Hello there, as the title states I’m about to turn 20, in about 9 days, and I’m shitting myself. Hitting that number makes me incredibly nervous and has made me panic/freeze when it comes to my future. Entering my 20s puts an enormous amount of pressure on me and I’m seriously worried about how to live my day to day life without waisting it and living it like it doesn’t mean much, or without making the most of it (which I feel obliged to).

What’s an advice you’d give your 20yo self?

One person long time ago said you need to love yourself and accept yourself first. I didn't know what that meant and never took it seriously. I still keep watching motivational videos even there it mentions mang time. Just believe in yourself and have faith. But this kind of phrases never really sparked my brain.. I just simply watch videos or read few quotes here and there but never seem to implement in my life.

Maybe I'm just young that's why I'm being so harsh on myself or am I just been too negative self talks. I can't tell. The only thing I'm noticing about myself is I tend to ignore my life and the precious time for growth at this current stage of life. I'm in my mid 20s but I'm wasting my potential just overthinking and not enough experience & taking actions. I'm not living to my true potential. I'm letting bad experience, overthinking and things like anxiety & fear control me. I have no idea how to forgive myself and actually start loving myself than start to work on weak points. Learning new things. My mind feels very fixated

So I was supposed to complete and submit the first draft of this paper; the deadline was 5 hours ago. I did write a draft and added the references and stuff, but the final result doesn't seem good enough to me. I'm worried I've made some mistakes but I'm not able to focus and read through the draft. I don't wanna submit something so mediocre. I've been trying to read through but it's one of those days when everything seems bleak and pointless.

I know it will seem extremely poor on my part to not respect the deadline but I just can't get myself to do it. I've been procrastinating so hard that I read a book from start to finish and practiced for hours on Duolingo, and none of these are important at all. I don't know why I'm being like this. It's like some heavy rock has been placed on the top of my head and I'm bring crushed and paralysed by it and I'm kinda ashamed that I'm lagging behind that even breathing freely feels guilty to me.

Can anybody please give me some idea how do I tackle this situation for now? I'm totally considering calling in sick on Monday and then I'll submit by Tuesday morning, but then again, I'm not confident I'll be able to get the work done by then. I really wish I could go back in time and make myself work but then I haven't made any progress since Thursday. I'm gonna make a terrible impression on my guide either way. What do I do?

And yeah, I'll be seeing the uni counselor sometime this week, or whenever I get the appointment. Until then, I'll have to push myself somehow. Please help. How do I find this intrinsic motivation in me? How do I keep pushing myself forward without getting burnt out?

I'm in my mid20s but I feel like my mindset is still stuck in teenage years. The way I dress and carry myself. Close relative families compare me to other people my age or younger. They keep saying you're not there in life where you're supposed to be based on your age. You're not performing on your age level. I feel like total shit when I'm hearing this constant judgement words. I know some people don't have the intention of bringing me down but maybe giving me heads up like get you're shit together before it's too late.

My main problem is that I'm not reaching out to others for help and advice. I wish I can find clarity to my problems and gain some sort of confidence to overcome those problems but I'm just overthinking which leads to bunch of negative feelings. My thoughts turn me into a weak person because I start to believe that I'm just true failure and I don't have the potential and hunger to succeed. I'm failing day by day. I feel like such a bad person for hurting my soul like I'm not even living a true life with my potential.

I need help because I feel like I’m slowly killings myself but I just can’t find the energy to change. I’m mid thirties, got a few kids who mean the world to me, and I’ve had two open heart surgery valve replacements over the past 15 years. Congenital disease and a replacement of the replacement valve.

I know I need to lose weight (270lbs, 6ft 2) and I know of I don’t I’m putting unnecessary strain on my heart. But I just can’t seem to find the will to want to change. Every night I tell myself that I will do better tomorrow, I will exercise, I will eat right etc. but by morning thoughts of being healthy are sidelined by thoughts of food and feeling exhausted.

My kids are young (both under 3) and I work a stressful job, which no doubt contributes, but I’ve never felt this… apathetic about my health and fitness before. How can I change?

Hi,

Long text ahead,

I'm a 28m and in december I finished my studies in mechanical engineering ( now I'm working as a engineer for machines that goes on hydroelectric dams ) I like my job and I'm still learning everyday.

Before that, I was in the army as an infantry man. For 3 years full time and then 3 years as reservist because I came back to school.

In my free time I train a lot for ultramarathons in the mountains, I play the piano and I see friends sometimes.

All my choices I did in my life was about to get better as a person, to learn something that I feel I was missing. When I was younger I wanted to go in the army because I wanted to be as strong willed and resilient as the people there.

Then I wanted to study engineering to improve my understanding of the world and to learn how all things works. I was always extremely curious and always liked sciences.

With the ultramarathons I wanted to see how people are able to achieve that and how they think when their body is broken. I wanted to see how far I could go too.

And now I'm thinking about all that and I just don't know what could be my next big move, what could be important enough now. It seems really like nothing make sense and I feel lost. I'm in this routine of work,train,sleep. Everyday feels the same, sure I'm working on a big and interesting project at my job but this is for a business , not me.

Also by being single at almost 30 I feel like I'm missing something. (I had relationships in the past)

Almost every evening I sit on the floor, thinking about how my life seems to be already set. I'm loosing motivation everyday. Also, like I said, everything seems futile now, unimportant and life seems to not have a meaning and I find it absurd . I will maybe die in 60 years and I'm just thinking like this is not far. I find it difficult to explain how I feel.

Thanks for reading my existential crisis.

I’m not saying like being alpha male dominance or anything just like generally how to be a strong men. I’m 27 now but I feel like I just haven’t really been feeling comfortable being myself. I feel like I’m still in the resistance mode. So many people tell me just open up and be yourself. Become strong. I’m guessing they mean become strong mentally and emotionally. Things like speaking up. Have courage and do whatever you want instead of living in worries.

i have been struggling trying to stay motivated in my life due to my living situation. i currently live in a small camper with no running water or gas, but i have a roof under my head and a car. i live 30 minutes away from the closest town and it's quite small, doesn't even have a walmart. however i live on private land with many acres available to me to go explore as i please. i have an amazing partner and family and have and manage to have a home cooked meal every night. even with all that i can be thankful for, my cons overshadow my pros in my eyes. i am jealous of all my friends that have basic utilities easily accessible to them, and im turning resentful and sad because of it. i am losing motivation to be happy and am seeking for advice on how i can find joy with what i have.

I have 2 questions When i was a kid I wanted to grow up as fast as possible so that everyone one will respect me, when i was in my teens i wanted to earn money and get a gf, now in mid 20s i wish i was a kid living under my parents roof and not worry about life. All my life i felt like i didn’t enjoy that phase when i had. I don’t know what people mean when they say live life now, cause without worrying about future and without past decisions i made I cant make any present decisions. What do you think about this? Also i constantly feel i didnt enjoy/ travel/ be irresponsible(not exactly)/ in my teens People 25 above, what do you regret not doing? And what should i focus on?

Ever feel like you're not quite where you want to be? It's a common sentiment among those striving for greatness – happily discontent can be a resourceful place to be.

It’s not unusual for a person to think they’re doing worse than they actually are: we’re hardwired towards the negative. Some of us are pessimistic, others have limiting beliefs lurking: I’m not good enough, I’m not worthy – progress is just luck, setbacks re-enforce limiting beliefs.

Consider the indicators of those who make it:

· You learn from setbacks. Rather than dwelling on just the mistakes, you arrive at a balanced view and modify – rather than abandon - your plans to learn and continue growing. You identify any patterns behind repeating the same errors. People have a strong tendency to repeat their behaviours. Responses from the past may have server well then, but perhaps not now. You can choose to respond differently – and achieve different outcomes.

· You’re clear on your purpose and priorities. Knowing what you want is the second key step to getting it (knowing who and what you are is the first.) Knowing what you want differentiates you from those who aimlessly floating through life. Once you know what you want, prioritisation becomes easier.

· You understanding the difference between important and urgent. We all have 168 hours each week and the choice on how to use them. You focus on what is important. You align your actions with your chosen goals. You have the habit of asking yourself what is the most important thing you could be doing right now. You avoid deluding yourself with merely being busy.

· You have made some progress already. Consistent progress is a great sign. Even when your goals feel far in the distance, regular progress – driven by consistent effort and learning – will get you there. As well as planning what more needs to be done, reflect on how far you have already come.

· You’re not alone. There are many people are alone in the world. If you’re not alone, you’re doing better than many others. Engaging with people who share your values and aspirations provides encouragement and perspective.

· You’re committed. You know who you are and what you’re about. Your goals are clear. They create meaning for you, value for others and legacy for the future. Great things happen when your purpose, actions, and your environment align.

· You consider other’s opinions. You learn what is resourceful to you and discard what isn’t. You live your life, not theirs.

· You are grateful. You regularly reflect on what has gone well and – crucially – on why it has gone well. You have skills and strengths you don’t even realise.

· You’re authentic. You know your values and beliefs. You make your decisions and take your actions consistent with these. Grounded in your values and beliefs, you make decisions that reflect your true self. Your authenticity shines through in your actions, fostering trust and credibility.

When you have aligned your values, beliefs, purpose, actions, and environment you will doing better than most. This is true, even if the results have yet to reveal themselves.

Desire + Strategy + Persistence = Authentic Results

I used to see myself as someone highly motivated and ambitious. But i am not sure why i lost motivation. I just graduated from university and in my mid 20s. I think it is a mixture of different circumstances:

1. maybe due to the fact that despite my hardwork in university (trying to get the top grades and best internships), i couldn’t get a job. I feel like hard work doesn’t pay off
2. maybe it is due to me realising that as life goes on, i might end up being just average. I used to be very idealistic, believing i can achieve great things
3. lately i have been experience grief of a loved one.

I am not sure if anyone has any advice to these 3 problems

I found myself buried under a lots of tasks and responsibilities in daily life now. I'm sure many of you can relate to the point.

So, I'm turning to this community for some guidance you guys. Have you been practicing any strategies for carving out time for exercise, relaxation, or hobbies? And how do you ensure you're eating healthily and sleeping well.

Any advice or personal anecdotes would be greatly appreciated l🫶.

Let's help each other prioritize self-care, even when life gets overwhelmingly busy. Thanks in advance for your input!

I feel like I'm heavily replying or hoping okay somebody gonna come and change my life instantly or maybe this is just phase of struggle and hardships. Maybe my situation will get better over time. Maybe I just need to believe in God more. I'm having this silly thoughts that I'm depending to avoid putting in the actual effort into changing life.

Usually people get stronger wiser overtime by their life experience meanwhile I'm holding all the bad things that happened and than allowing it to affect me. A small car accident makes me not wanna drive. Some advisor in college said don't purse this program than I'm allowing their opinion dedicat my life. It feels like I'm reacting everything based on my emotions like this just feels completely wrong. Bad experiences and future worries should toughen a person but I'm feeling defeated

23/M here, will be leaving for UK in 3 weeks time. This will be my first time going abroad alone and I am really nervous about literally everything from boarding the flight to reaching my accommodation and feeling homesick.

Is there something I can do in these last 3 weeks to build up my confidence and feel motivated?

I know nothing will change unless I change or take actions. But I tend to keep avoiding because I guess I'm having the imposter syndrome feeling or maybe I just don't have actual idea how to solve.

I tend to procrastinate and avoid my goals like I don't know how to solve. A big problem I'm currently facing is college education. I'm currently in community college but I don't know which path to take for a rewarding career and finical stability. The part that brings me down is I have created a lot of boundaries that seem realistic like not good at math and science than not being super tech savvy. Suck at socializing skills. I don't want to work in the trade but I just have a basic vision like working desk job or something remote work. I keep reading bunch of posts on Reddit and googling & YouTube but nothing seems to click my mind. I'm going in the rabbit hole of overthinking trying to find the perfect desire path but it's not working. Sighs, because of wasting so much now I feel internal pressure of figuring out and picking classes for a new semester. All of my peers and younger cousins have graduated and some are soon. They are making good income and finding opportunities to excel in their careers or jobs.

Just a week ago I was focused, happy and thriving to do better. Then a sudden wave of uncertainty of the future hit me. I got scared as if I was going thru financial crisis myself. I am an medical undergrad student.

For the past few days, I have not been attending the uni lectures and studying in my room with this heaviness in the head. I have been cancelling plans with friends, having one meal a day.

I used to study because that’s something I loved doing. I did it without any pressure and it felt good.

Now when I sit down to study, I am doing it because I have to. My parents are not getting any younger and for me to be able to take care of them I have to earn but the profession I chose I am not gonna start earning anytime soon.

I don’t think I burnt out. It’s just what do I look forward to?

Balance of any sort is a dynamic process! There is MOTION to it. It is not stillness.

There are often two camps promoted out there.

There is team "You got to create balance in your life."

Then there is the other side, "There is NO balance!"

Does anyone else get cross-eyed? It's a bit of a confusing mess because, like most one-liners, they fail to paint a complete picture.

Here is how I view this concept in a way that I hope you find useful.

First, we have to acknowledge the spectrum to which life exists. The polarity of it is real and is not going anywhere.

Easy ------ Hard

Grind ------ Lazy

Distracted ------- Focused

Honest ------- Liar

You see how there is a distance between each end of those qualities. That is the spectrum on which life exists. The polarity is the opposite end of said spectrum.

What I think trips many people up is the perspective of balance. It's as though they hear that and need to land on the middle point of that spectrum.

So that IT is balanced on a point.

Like a seesaw.

It doesn't work like that though. Life is in motion and trying to be static in life (the balance point) means you fall off said seesaw.

Instead, we're better served to acknowledge the spectrum and FLOW of life.

Then, we can learn the skill of FLOWING on those various spectrums. Change how much grind we need on a moment-to-moment basis to meet the moment-to-moment needs.

The next moment might be when we need to relax and be "lazy" for a day.

Neither end is "bad." It is what it is in that moment of need.

A surfer doesn't ride a wave with static effort. They FLOW with the waves of the ocean.

We must FLOW with the wave of life.

That is how we balance.

What spectrum can you bring awareness to so that you can surf life?

Human brain is amazing. When I was biking back from gym today, it suddenly reminded me of days almost a couple a decades ago when I used to bike to my badminton training institute as a kid.

Back in 2004, I was 10 years old and living in a small coastal town in India. Like many other lower middle class families then, my family could barely afford my education and getting trained in sport was a thing exclusive for the rich. But, my dad knew I love badminton and wanted me to be good at that. He found a colleague at work who trains kids for badminton in his free time. He negotiated a lower fee for me and I joined the training. The kids around me were from affluent families and had expensive badminton gear and clothing. While I felt excluded initially, I ignored it as I was immersed in playing the game in the beautiful indoor sports hall. Until then, I was playing out in the open on roads and the shuttecock used to sway in directions unthinkable - if you have ever played a game in the open air, you know how much of a pain it is. Every morning at 5 AM, I used to bike to the institute, run in the morning to warm up and get a couple of hours of training and get back to school. Schools back in India were quite intensive and I could return to home only by 9 PM or sometimes even later. But, I never missed my training in the morning.

Six months into the training, the institute was conducting a regional tournament. I had all the energy and enthusiasm but I was clearly lacking the technique needed to compete against the best kids. But, I still took a chance and convinced my dad to allow me to participate in the tournament. I have put in lot of effort over the next one week.

Finally, the day arrived. It was basically 32 kids competing in the tournament, there were two initial group levels for elimination and there were quarters, semis and a final to determine the final winner. Whoever made it to the semis or finals would get some prize.

In the first round, I was loaded with energy and beat the first competent with a smashing lead and entered the second round. The second round was quite challenging, but I played hard and won against a kid who's senior to me. I entered the quarter finals! I was curious who would be the competent and post lunch I figured out that its one of those kids who's considered a badminton wizard for his age, he is just 9 years old.

The game began, I went all in and even had a lead at the beginning but it was draining me. While, I was using my energy, the kid had better gear, superior technique and not to mention his grandfather was a popular sports coach in the regional college and trained him ever since he was little - basically I was no match and ended up running from corner to corner on my side of the court to handle his moves and at the end couldn't even pick up smaller drops and eventually lost by a good margin.

He entered the semi finals and his team was celebrating and I was about to leave to home in disappointment. His coach came to me and appreciated that I have great energy and I could have a bright future in the sport. While it was nice of him, I felt humiliated to have lost to a kid younger than me. There is an overwhelming sadness and I couldn't control my tears while biking back home. While losing a small regional tournament with just under 6 months of training wasn't a big deal (looking back it even sounds silly to have cried over it), the 10 year old me couldn't just handle that defeat.

I went home and my dad saw my face and he could see the cheeks and swollen eyes. It's clear to him that I was crying and he could guess what happened. He didn't say anything and patted my back. I didn't eat anything that evening, I was just exhaused from the training and the mental pressure for the last few days - I just went to bed and slept like a baby.

Next day morning, I woke up early and went back biking to the insitute by 5 AM and started running and training. I wasn't motivated or felt challenged, it just became part of my life and the tornament, the kids I won over and the kid I lost to, the crying, nothing was in my mind. I was stoic and doing it as if its my duty, the outcome was just history and didn't just matter anymore.

I continued training for the rest of that year without missing a day but had to quit the following year because I had to focus more on studies. I didn't become an athelete and barring from playing badminton as a hobby with friends or colleagues, I never participated in serious competitions after that, I was just focussed on my academics. But, one thing it taught me in life was staying the course no matter what happens in life, we just need to keep going..

Financial difficulties early on in life made me financially disciplined. Being with a wrong girl during teenage made me realize who I really want in life. Getting rejected from that dream job made me humble. Gaining weight because of an injury and a tough phase in life made me realize the value of nutrition and being fit.

When I think of it, if I have to describe a key personality trait in me - its perserverance. Whether its rejection in personal or professional life, whether its a financial or health related challenge - I stay the course unflinched and unwavered. Nothing pushed me down and I kept moving forward and life always turned out to be beautiful. I am just 30 and quite ambitious. I hope I could keep being humble and keep doing my own thing irrespective of what happens for the rest of my life and I share this word with people who are younger and close to me irl and perhaps this helps someone online too. Have a good one :)

I'm looking for inspiration, being 35 years old and coming out of a 15 year period of my life I lost struggling with mental health issues and having to start again from the bottom I want to hear stories of people who were successful in their 40's/50's after being poor, struggling with issues and having an average life before that and being at rock bottom, but through hard work and the right mindset they got a huge amount of success.

Hi all - I feel like time is slipping away and I'm sick of floating from one thing to the next with no real direction and no vision for how I want my life to be.

What are some of the best resources (videos, courses, books) youve found that has helped you set a compelling vision for your life?

If you have any other resources you can recommend for following through on that vision consistently then that would also be appreciated!

Thanks

Lately, every single day has been a negative experience. Everything about me is always negative. My thoughts, my mindset, my mood. If you look at my profile, you’ll see bunch of negative and depressing posts made by me. In fact, I feel like I use this app just to vent about how miserable I am. I feel like I let people’s opinions about me and my depression get to me. But even when I’m at my worst and all I want to do is sh myself, there’s a voice giving me hope. It’s small but I could still hear it sometimes. I really want to improve and rise up against the people that make fun of me. I want to be more better than my mother who told me that I was useless to her.

But it’s like I don’t have the motivation or energy to move forward. That’s how my life is. One step forward, two steps back. I’ll try not to sh myself once in a while and I’d be doing good but once I feel like shit, I just want to tear my arms off. Same with dieting and exercising. Same with improving my self esteem and self worth. It’s frustrating because I know damn well I have potential. I just can’t seem to actually move forward. It’s like I’m in a car. I know that putting my foot in the pedal could make me go but I don’t know how to switch off the parking brakes.

Edit: if you want to see this as a video with hand-drawn graphics instead, search First Hundred on YouTube

I have a problem with my phone. It started during COVID when we weren’t allowed outside. Over the years, all the energy and motivation to do things have been sapped away by simply going on my phone. 

It felt like I was living life at 60%, even though the solution was simply to “stop using my phone”, no matter how good my progress was, I would always come back to it.

Years and years of experimentation in attempting to lessen my phone usage. 

So far, I’ve tried:

Adjusting my screentime

Greyscale

No notifications

Locking it away in a timed boxDeleting and reinstalling apps

Airplane Mode

Third party apps

Willpower and Discipline

Not carrying my phone with me

Phones are not allowed in different rooms

Scheduled time I don’t use my phone

Moving into a cabin in the woods

Not touching my phone until 12pm

Crack and Kale phone

Dumb Phone

Touching grass

Social Media detox

Apps that delay opening

Accountability partners

Not using a phone in the first place

This is a post about what works for me.

The first thing we should do is find your starting point.

I want you to go to your phone and find your average screen time + amount of pickups in a day.

Now, this is important because it gives you a better look into how you might be using your phone. 

We’re going to break this into 4 categories. (the numbers are not scientific, just an estimate)

• Pickups - Low is less than 50 pickups / High is 50+
• Screentime - Low is 4 hours or less / High is 4+ hours

Low Pickups + Low Screen Time - you check your phone for quick communication or just don’t use your phone that much

Low Pickups + High Screen Time - spent much longer on each session but don’t pick up the phone as often

High Pickups + Low Screen Time - you get notifications and messages often and are constantly watching for them

This was my main problem. I would cycle the exact same 4-5 apps like 30 times a day, even if it was just a minute or two. 

And lastly High Pickups + High Screen Time - you probably just spend a lot of time on your phone, no way to sugarcoat it.

Don’t beat yourself up for your current numbers, there’s no judgment here we just need to become aware of them.

The next thing we will look at is baseline fixes.

I’m going to give you a list of changes you could make depending on how many hours you use your phone and the level of discipline needed to make the changes.

0-2 Hours - Minimal phone usage, not many active changes are needed to your phone usage.

• Setting up screen time limits 
• Turning off all app notifications other than important ones
• Airplane mode when working
• Charging your phone in a different area from where you work
• Changing your home screen every couple of weeks (to avoid habit)

3-4 Hours - Slowly creeping up there, starting to create boundaries to your phone.

• Physical boundaries (phone not accessible easily)
• Time Boundaries (not used during certain times)
• Content boundaries (unfollowing people on your most used apps)
• Tidying up your apps and doc
• Optimizing Focus Modes and using them regularly

5-6 Hours - Average screen time, need to work on your awareness of the usage. 

• Greyscale the Phone / White point / Animations
• Third-Party Apps Blockers
• Speed bump before opening an app (wait a couple of seconds)
• Use your phone on only one charge a day
• Randomly store your phone in uncommon places

7-8 Hours - Taking up half your day, need to start to break some habits you are falling into. 

• Delete all the apps you don’t immediately think “hell yes” to
• Log out of your accounts after every use
• Dedicated accountability group or partner
• Anytime you want to use an app, just wait two minutes
• Use your computer for your updates

8-10 Hours - Living for your phone, not the other way around, very large commitment to change.

• Crack vs Kale Phone
• Dumb Phone (flip phone or just phone with nothing on it)
• Changing passwords on all accounts and giving them to someone else
• Assign apps to certain actions before opening (walk before social media)
• Exchange your phone for physical alternatives (physical alarm for example)

10+ Hours - The highest and will take a long time but you’ll start to get your life back.

• Complete dopamine detox
• Embracing boredom
• Create vs consume mindset
• Replace the screen time with something else
• Talk to a professional

Now the fixes in the front could help you and the fixes in the back could help you, it doesn’t matter.

It’s also to evaluate whether or not you have the discipline to implement these changes in the first place, because I once went completely cold turkey on YouTube for a month and the moment I got it back, I tripled my previous screen time.

What worked for me was starting with lower fixes and then slowly adding more and more as my screen time got lower and lower. Just experiment with it all and double down on what works. Then just keep it consistent once you have it.

At this point, it’s kind of like we’re in a boat and we have a leak. All of the solutions I’ve given you so far are like a roll of duct tape used to patch up the leak. Good for now, but without a permanent solution, the boat is going to eventually sink.

So, let’s get to the main solution.

Confront the reasons of why you’re on your phone so much in the first place.

In the past, I’ve had emotions I didn’t want to feel at the moment, so numbing myself for hours as I rotted away in bed had helped.

So, now I want you to go to your screen time app on Android / iOS and just spend some time going through the past couple of days seeing your phone schedule.

What time did you use certain apps, any patterns or triggers throughout the day, and did you follow through on the right intentions when you did pick up your phone?

For me, my most used apps are Instagram, YouTube, and Spotify.

I noticed that I would pick up my phone in between larger tasks and more than half of my daily pickups were while at the gym.

When I picked up my phone in the morning and at night they were intentional, but typically in the middle of the day, I found myself mindlessly scrolling more often. 

Taking a look at the data, I would start to draw out patterns in my emotions, why I did the things I did, and how it’s affected my daily life.

Outside of the following reasons: Communication, apps to live my life, reminders, emergencies, productivity, and taking photos.

These were the main reasons I picked up my phone but ended up regretting it afterwards: 

Anticipation - I feel the need to pick up my phone. There was something I’m sure that I needed to check, but I don’t know what it is. Perhaps after I check, I’ll feel better. 

Boredom - I haven’t been alone with my thoughts in months, there’s nothing to do so this is the path of absolute least resistance to feeling something. 

Habit - I just feel compelled to pick up my phone. I don’t know why I do it, it’s like my brain and body are just instinctively reaching for my phone without any purpose or intention. 

Escapism - There are negative emotions that I am running away from, the phone numbs me out so I can delay feeling these things for just a couple more hours. 

I can’t promise a guide that is a one-size-fits-all, but if you look at your own data, and critically ask yourself these questions, you’ll come away with better insights than anything I could give you. 

• How do I feel before and after a phone session? What emotions prompt me to pick up my phone and eventually make me put the phone down?
• Are there any consistent phone routines that I get into? For example, immediately checking your phone after going to the washroom?
• If I had a screen time of 1 hour every single day, what would I do with my time instead?
• Am I avoiding certain things or feelings? Does going on my phone help me get through what I want to feel instead?
• What percentage of your phone usage is intentional vs unintentional? Why do you think that is?

We should now have your starting screen time, duct tape solutions, and a list of reasons you scroll even when your better half tells you not to.

Now we can finally set some goals as to what type of relationship you want with your phone.

The first thing is to manage your goals by intention, not by screentime.

This can be done by answering two questions.

How do you wish to show up in the world? - Do you want to always be on your phone while talking with friends? What about frantically checking every notification that comes your way? 

What does an ideal phone schedule look like daily? - When and how do you use your phone in every moment of every day, the more detailed you can be, the better. 

For me, I want to be present with my loved ones. I want to check notifications only a couple of times a day during downtime and my phone is something that I am fully in control over.

This is what an ideal day looks like in regards to phone usage. 

• Wake up with my phone stuffed away in my closet or somewhere hard to reach
• Get to work immediately in another room
• Bring my phone to the gym where I listen to a podcast and check notifications
• Use the phone freely while I eat my meals (if alone)
• Check notifications / answer texts one or two more times before dinner
• Hangout with friends/family with no need to check my phone for the rest of the day

I realize that this isn’t possible for everyone, but you could use the duct tape strategies above to make as many adjustments to your own life as possible. 

You might think of this as overkill, but we’re talking about saving a cumulative number of years off of your life, the clarity of what you want makes things easier in the long term.

The reason I don’t like measuring by screen time is that it’s too rigid for life. 

At the end of the day, I could look at my screen time and despite it being higher than expected, see what my intentions were throughout the day and still be happy with myself. 

Okay, now get rid of the duct tape, we can finally get to some more permanent solutions. 

As I mentioned above, every single one of us is unique in how we use our phones, I can only talk about 3 methods that apply to most in general. 

The first one is to make it a part of your identity. (James Clear)

“I am someone who is in control of their phone.”

From this, you begin to think about the actions that someone who fits this identity will and won’t do. 

Does someone who is in control of their phone pick it up first thing in the morning? What about using it to avoid awkward situations? What about scrolling it mindlessly when you have work to do? Probably not to all of these.

I used to think it was quirky to brag about how much I used my phone like it wasn’t a big deal. It was like a badge of honour being chronically online and telling people about it. 

Until I realized. 

I have dreams. I have people I care about. I have a life that I want to live. And there was absolutely no reason being on my phone that much was helpful to any of those goals.

So, I adopted a new identity. 

If you leave this idea at the front of your mind and work to reinforce it through small daily actions, the identity will begin to shape itself into your life for better or for worse.

The second method is to become mindful.

Some duct tape solutions to this would be putting a rubber band around your phone to remind yourself before you pick it up. Or using specific apps to limit your usage before opening an app.

But I’m sure you’ve heard the advice to get into meditation, and I’m encouraging you to get into it as well.

There are hundreds of apps, videos, and books telling you how to meditate, so I’ll leave you with my own experience. 

I had emotions I was running away from. For the first time in years, meditating for 20 minutes every day forced me to sit with those negative feelings with nowhere to hide. I’ve come to realize that the thousands of hours I’ve wasted on my phone never helped me in the first place. 

As Dostoevsky put it, my worst sin was that I destroyed and betrayed myself for nothing. 

This is not a quick and easy fix, but I can easily say one of the top 3 things I’ve done for my overall health. 

The last method is to get a life.

Yes, I’ve made you read all of this just for me to tell you to touch grass.

For me, when I travel or am hanging out with friends, time just seems to slip away from me. It is at these moments that I don’t need to check my phone. I even forget about it sometimes.

It’s difficult to always implement, but this is what I find works for me.

Take 1 day out of the week to spend all of the day outside. 

Find hobbies or daily events you could do that require you to focus on something.

Make friends that challenge you outside of your comfort zone.

If you were 90 years old and on your deathbed thinking about the past, would you think that a good life was stuck inside scrolling away? I sure hope not.

These are the main methods, paired with the duct tape solutions, and the introspective questions should be enough to help you build an intentional relationship with your phone. 

The last thing I’ll say is to be nice to yourself in the process of reducing your phone usage.

Imagine if you were a warrior with a single sword and you had to fight an entire army.

The army represents billions of dollars, the smartest people on earth, and unlimited resources trying to make you addicted to your phone.

To make sure that you stay on the platform. To increase a percentage point on you clicking a post. Everything to ensure that you stay for a little bit longer. Because your attention is what’s most important to these companies. 

Now the tactics, methods, and techniques that you use to try and reduce your phone usage is an upgrade to yourself. 

It’s a battle against this army every single day, some days you’ll win and some days you’ll lose. When you begin to give up, their army gets bigger, but the more you fight, the weaker the army gets. 

You may never beat them, but you can become so strong yourself that you win the battle every single day. And for that, you need to be proud of yourself for taking that first step here today. 

With that we’ve reached the end, I can hope that all the lessons I’ve mentioned above will help you tackle your phone usage.