Thanks in advance

yeah guys

I mean, I don't want to become a jerk but people cross my boundaries all the time. I constantly hold my anger in and feel like I am ready to explode. I was raised to please and respect the people around me and never was taught that it was ok to be myself. I fear saying something stupid and being made fun of or even worse, getting into a heated verbal altercation which leads to a fight and i don't want to get arrested.

The more I tend to realize and self reflect the worse it feels internally but I can’t seem to help myself and I just don’t know why. I don’t know if I hate myself or do I just not want to do the work or am I just confused and the feeling mentally paralyzed. Like it’s insane that I’m wasting an entire day doing nothing but living life in constant state of worries and overthinking.

I’m getting day by day older and behind. I’m not doing the things that I should be. I don’t understand for how long am I going to sit and slow anxiety, fear and past failures hold me down. What the heck am I even waiting for. I literally don’t understand myself

I’m not even 20 and I’ve had enough loss for an entire lifetime. I’ve lost so many friends which is fine it happens but family loss is harder. We had to go no contact with my moms family because of how toxic they are and recently we were kicked out of my dad’s family because we talk about my mom being sick instead of just ignoring it. I’ve lost all of my relatives and my heart feels crushed. I’m scared I’m gonna lose my best friend cause he’s gonna be going to college next year and I’m not. We’re already starting to talk less and I’m just so done with feeling like I’m crushed and all alone. How do I stop caring about losing people?

One week can truly change many things. Taking a look at my life, one could say its lonely and sad. But, i dont give a fuck. I spend the last week at my grand grand parents house without a phone, without cigarettes, without TV. Just me, them and Raymond Chandler's " The big sleep". Words cant describe how peacful i feel at the moment.

I'm currently in my mid20s but I just feel like I've never taken the time and effort to ever work on myself and my life. It almost feels like I'm living my life for someone else and I concerned myself dead in a way. Because the thing is growing up I had lot of life responsibilities and didn't get to the things a typical child does. I wouldn't say I didn't enjoy my youth but I did have tons of cool moments but finically growing up was tough. Grew up as a shy insecure low confidence person and this phase has continuously transit to adulthood. I would say in my teenage years I knew what I wanted out of life and also had some sort of awareness but idk what went wrong that I just lost that fire within me.

I don't understand why the hell have I become so soft and nice. Allowing people just to win and I'm here not even fighting for my rights. I'm not even a go getter. Today society isn't meant for the nice and naive people. There's too many things happening around us and it's really important to do something before you get shoved in the ground by someone. I think part of this reason I've been feeling this is way is I didn't graduate high school. And I'm currently enrolled in community college which makes it more embarrassing like my cousins and peers have gone through the university and now working remote jobs and some working corporate earning a bank. Their life is settled in terms of finically.