Hey, I’m 22f and I feel Im on a bad way. Whole my life I’ve had an ED that’s ruining me. I was diagnosed with anorexia and then, the recovery wasn’t so … worth it, I just developed big binging disorder. I can’t get over it, because it seems like fighting something nonsense, what people don’t actually see as an addiction, even though it is extremely hard for me to not binge everyday. It takes all my power to not do that. But this fight is like invisible for everyone, it’s a joke, even though it’s ruining my life. I isolated myself completely, don’t talk to anyone at all, don’t wanna live at all, because I’m worthless. So my stupid mind thought that If I can’t get over binging, If I can’t be clean from binging, what If I just replace with something else? Like alcohol or pills. Because with these, I thought, maybe it is easier - you just cut off all alcohol and you’re clean. You just cut off pills and you’re clean. But with binging, I never know If I’m clean. Was this meal like a binge? Was this day a success, can I say yeah, I’m clean? Never. Please I know this is stupid, I am stupid… I just thought about replacing binging with another thing, and then, cut off that thing, because that would be “easier”. Since people see someone sober as a warrior who won.(at least I see them like that) but if someone stops binging, it seems easy, it doesn’t even seems he had to fight, and that is what keeps from being clean. Like “nobody would tell you are struggling so hard today to not binge”

I hope I made it at least a bit clean, like, what I mean, because… I don’t know what to do. I just don’t know. I don’t want to live. But I don’t want to die either.

Please don’t tell me I’m stupid, I know that. I just don’t know what to do anymore, I hate my life, ED has totally ruined it and If I add something more, not sure if my stupid way of thinking is actually right.

I don't even know why I still want to take them. Even though the drugs feel good initially, I crash after a few hours. I have all these negative thoughts. I just love the feeling of not dealing with reality for a little bit. But again, to compromise, I have negative ideas after. I shouldn't want these drugs. But they feel so good.

As the title says.

My girlfriend’s (20f) dad (50’s m) suddenly passed away in early March while driving his friend to a doctor’s appointment. My girlfriend has told me that he had a heavy drinking problem and would drink the cheapest vodka available every day.

A few days ago my girlfriend’s family received the death certificate in the mail. My girlfriend texted me frantically and told me that the cause of death was caused by a cocaine overdose. Understandably, my girlfriend is devastated and angry. A couple hours before she was saying how much she misses her dad and how she wants his memoriam to go smoothly, but now she’s saying that she hates him, how selfish he is, and how her family is thinking about cancelling the memoriam.

According to her, her dad was a very selfish man. He lost is job years ago and that started the alcohol addiction. Her family didn’t know that he was using cocaine. It caused her family to go through financial and emotional struggles.

I know addiction is a family disease, as my father was once an addict and is an alcoholic, but how can I comfort my girlfriend without saying the typical “he was a sick man”, “addiction brings out the worst in people”, etc. She gets upset at me and says that she doesn’t care that he was an addict, he was selfish and stupid.

I apologize in advance if this is choppy. I’m really bad at putting my thoughts into words, and I think you guys in advance.

Venting more than anything…. I’ve had addictions my whole life. It’s been so aggravating and I wish I knew how it all started and why. The main one was Percocets. Started with the 5mg, in my late 20’s a few a day then I topped off with perc 30’s about 180-220mg a day for a few days until I ran out then would get on subs until my guy got his 30’s again. Did this for 10years from 30-40yrs old I eventually got tired of it and the money spent and started on stopping by taking suboxone. I then got addicted to suboxone, or better yet got addicted to not going through withdrawls of stopping suboxone and the energy they gave me, which I need to stop these now. Now the worst of the addictions, not dangerous but very expensive, the last 4 years I have became heavily addicted to Rare coins. Mainly the bidding phase on super nice uncirculated rare ones on EBay or other sites. I spend most of what I get paid on jobs I do being self employed on this habit and leave little for other stuff It is insanely more difficult for me to stop this than it was the percocets. Is this technically a gambling addiction maybe?

Looking for a good rehab for women with Children in Florida. Prefably a dual diagnosis treatment. Any advice or suggestions appreciated.

I notice not a lot of posts are made for crack addicts or by crack addicts, one thing i realized that would be nice to have other peoples view on is music to listen to on crack

Since i found no help i had to find out myself and it wasnt easy

Already i am not a big fan of a lot of music types im quite picky, so finding some songs and sounds that relax or buzzes you on rocks was hard for me

Rap like usual makes you feel quite neutral and thats why its very popular these days, you can listen to it while sad happy, excited tired, and on crack, but it becomes quite annoying sometimes, theres not 1 type of sound that you can listen to continuously on crack, first its overwhelming and secondly it doesnt sound the same as sober

These are the examples of songs that i listened to on different times of my high that were good and not irritable ( when you smoke loads everything around gets overwhelming, sounds, movements, voices, screens ) the sense of overwhelm makes you want to relax and escape, but unlike sober or on any other drugs like weed or shrooms its impossible to find a neutral or stable momment during crack high, so i listen to different types all during the high which lasts around 20 minutes ( without counting the down feeling of the high that starts and lasts longer, around 40 minutes after your first hit the down washes away and you feel kinda sober ) at this instant i notice i can listen to more dynamic styles like ( quiet riot , rhcp, the kinks supertramp ) which is extremely overwhelming on crack

I notice when i just take a puff the second i blow it out i feel like Bad to the bone

But the second it gets to one minute in the song i get irritated and i cant listen to that song or those genres more than a minute on the very start of my high

This is a genre of song : solitude is bliss That i notice i automatically go to after becoming bored of the « bad to the bone » genre ( excuse my metaphors im quite high and lack in fancy vocabulary)

Then a couple of minutes after my hit, i need silence or literally just white noise, it lasts about 10 minutes depending on my state of mind

The rest of the high is completely up to circumstances i can listen to pastel ghost, mister kitty, rap, orchestra, rockabilly any type of shit i enjoy sober

But in the end music on crack is quite hard to do, it all depends on you in the end, but for a while i tried finding one genre that didnt irritate me on it and its just impossible, its better to just listen to white noise when feeling overwhelmed on crack

So since middle school, I’ve (22, f) taken Benadryl or sleep aids to help me sleep. It’s been on and off usage. However, since my mom died 4 months ago, my usage has increased and this is the longest I’ve ever taken it. I get it from Walmart, it’s 25mg and I am up to taking 19, sometimes multiple times a day. I look forward to taking it bc i like how it makes me feel. Will this continued usage have significant health consequences? Will it damage my liver or kidneys? Thanks for reading.

It's been fourteen years since my last drink or any street drug use. Two years ago my doctor prescribed me Adderall for stress eating issues, knowing full well I was sober. I didn't even think to ask what Adderall was. Fast forward to today, I have a problem. I'm taking sixty, thirty mg. tablets, a full months prescribed amount in less than two weeks. Then I'm walking around tired and sad until my next script. I don't need any advice on how to quit, I know the answer is the program. The reason I'm posting this is because I needed to tell someone. Even anonymously. I feel like such an idiot. They have their hooks in me for sure. I'm so sad. Thanks for letting me ramble.

I lost the love of my life to a fentenyl overdose one month ago today. We were a family, we have a daughter together. And we have been through hell and back because of his addiction.

The last year of his life I finally walked away from everything and tried to find happiness away from him for my daughter and I. But instead of losing us being his rock bottom, his addiction got worse and worse until it finally killed him.

I want to know why losing your family is not enough to make you stop using drugs. Why were we not enough for him?

I’ve been heavily addicted to benzos (clonazepam) for past 2.5 years. My tolerance grew to insane levels and was up to like 8mg- 10mg a day at my worst. I’m a female, mid 30s 140Ib for context here. I went into treatment this fall and that helped lots. Out of treatment I can’t seem to go more than 3m sober though. It’s so frustrating the urges to use haven’t disappeared at all. Today was. A shitty day after days of obsessive using thoughts and dreams and I just caved in despite my better judgement.

I went through a phase of getting my shit through dark web but kicked that sketchy habit so now I’m going to my doctors. It was so fucking easy to get like 20 tabs of klonopin and I totally manipulated the system. I have full health benefits through my new job so it didn’t even cost me anything. How fucked is that?

It sucks. I just started a rly good new job, great money, great prospects and I can’t fuck this up. I think some of the stress with that tipped me over the edge along with some of my challenges I manage with bi polar disorder. Just a bad mix of feelings at an intense time and lack of managing them appropriately.

I feel like I can’t tell anyone in my life except my therapist about this because I’ve let down so many ppl. So this is something I have to shoulder alone and admit months down the road when dust has settled. Fuck.

I worry I’m a bad person and something is wrong with me to the core. Why am I making such a terrible decision fully knowing the consequences of it?

I’ve been feeling great everyday when I smoke weed from my WEED pen (not tobacco/cigs). And I remember how horrible I felt living life always suicidle for about 2 years but hiding it, I had one attempt at my life 7 no one knows about it but me, I broke my ankle and blamed it on my morning jog. Since I have started doing weed though it always goes away, I don’t overthink I’m just grounded like my skin is cement almost and I’m not worried I’m just sorta happy. Anyway I know that’s a bad alternative, I just don’t think it’s worth it to stop if the other option is possibly death. Anyway thanks for any consideration to this post.

Hope you are doing great!

Yall I'm disappointed in my actions. Today is supposed to be a special day but in my mind I blew up my birthday and my mind thinks that people should treat me decent because of the day but people don't owe me anything.

I was hurt by right after I woke up today. Some things just added up more and more against my favor. I still have things adding up but let me cut to the chase.

I felt like shit and was hurt so I went out of my way to doing shit I shouldn't be doing. I don't feel guilty about doing it because in my mind I know that I can just stop but the issue is I won't if it is in front of me or if someone else around me wants it. I found a pipe the other day and someone near me wanted it immediately so I threw away my sobriety and indulge then but also when it was out I went and got it.

I can put it anyway when being hurt I just don't. I can be better than this but I don't really care to and that's the issue. I can't entirely say that actually, I do want to stop but I don't want to handle life with out a way to quietly self harm.

So toxic.

TDLR: I return to drugs because I was affected by my feelings. Help me stop the destructive behavior and thought patterns.

So I’ve been taking 70-150mg of real oxy everyday for the past 4-5 years. It’s ruined my life. It’s ruined my friendships. I’ve burned all of my bridges and I had to stop. I didn’t want to substitute it for something else that I could be addicted to that would lead me right back. I tried with subs. I knew that when I stopped, it would be painful but I didn’t care anymore so I went cold turkey. I believe in the universe still and the exact day that I quit an ex called to remind me that I had 7grms of shrooms that I’d left at his house and he would bring them to me. Just at the right moment. Beautiful dried Penis envy. I made tea the first day with enough to take me on a minor trip. I immediately felt like taking a shower and I played good music and I cried so hard and cleaned so much. I looked in the mirror after at the mess that I caused and whispered “I love you” “I’m going to get you back”. I rolled all day and laughed at some parts. Day 2 was a little harder to get up. But I got up to make tea. A little less than the day before. Again I wanted to shower once it hit and I had enough energy to eat and drink water which is all I really needed. Yes my body is sore but I’ve only just remembered while typing this because the shrooms have been distracting my mind and taking me on mental loops. If I need to end it early I’ll take a Xanax or something but I can’t go back to living like that. That’s not love. There is no good end to it and trust me oxy feels so good to me. As someone who never received love and hugs as a child, oxy hugs me and keeps me warm in my delusional bubble of optimism. I never had a bad high , it just caused bad shit. Shit that hopefully I can still recover from. Thanks for letting me share.

I can’t function like a normal person. I feel as if I could have been anyone yet I still can’t. I’m so sick and tired all the time

The basic drug test a hospital took said it was just pot but it didn’t seem to cover everything. Could pot do this or what else could it be? Mental or pills?

My husband has not been acting like himself for over a month. He is clean since he was 19 from pot,drinking, and pillls etc. He was never aggressive or violent but has increasingly been acting aggressive and unlike himself. He needed to talk for hours on the phone repeating him self. He started saying he was depressed not feeling good he was going to go to a therapist. He told me that morning he felt suicidal. He was also being weird and his my car keys and wouldn’t tell me until I deserved it. Then subsequent phone calls seemed ok. I still felt uneasy about that and previous calls and incidents with him. He called me from the driveway angry not talking like himself then he came up to our sons room where we were I locked the door because he just seemed so off and aggressive. He started banging on the door need to talk. I said no I don’t want to fight with you Patrick. He began to break the door knob open. Our son 10 was scared and said you fn psycho when he broke the door. I was scared too. I started telling him I felt unsafe we need to go. He started yelling and being aggressive I have never hit you why are you afraid. I told him you aren’t being yourself I don’t feel safe we need to leave. Son kept getting upset I told him I would go outside and speak with him he put me outside and I tried to get in as son was screaming. I finally got back into the room and our son ran for his cell phone to dial 911 and he grabbed him in a bear hug and held his mouth shut. He said he would shoot his head off if we left and eventually stormed off into the room with guns. We got in car left and pulled over to call 911to check on him he wouldn’t go and eventually 302’d him as instructed. I did what I felt right at the moment because I never seen him like that in over 12 years and was truly scared he was about to take his own life and I was really scared. He texted me in between police checking on him I said just go with the cops you need help you’re not being yourself. He is mad I sent for him to get hospitalized.

Wasn’t speaking for few days and now he is saying he wants to make things work took 100k out of bank.turned off all cards etc. Has this huge plan to integrate back to the house.

He was 13 years sober. He told me in the past he never wanted to consider smoking even though it is so wildly accepted now. His family are all addicts and he has that mentality as and easily get fixated on things. I was just stunned when I finally told him I found out from the hospital about everything how he lied about his suicidal feelings and other false things he said in report. He told me he doesn’t care about smoking now when he explicitly always told me he would never want to do that again. He was very weird dictation of how he talked fast etc. I had him try to call his parents and sister to tell them he’s smoking he denied at first then called dad was rude. His sister answered and did say it was all odd talked a little with her on speaker and she seemed to side a bit with me and knew he was off.

I met with him in safe place for this talk. He was saying he doesn’t want to divorce he will pay all the bills and give me an allowance with one approved card. He thinks about me every second of everyday. He felt like he was losing me and worried. I wanted to try to get him help and move past this. As I have never experienced him like that 10+. years. But he doesn’t seem to want to get help. He is acting erratic still and not making sense. Could pot have caused him to act like this? Or what other drugs could it be.

We are debt free and house over 500k paid off. He just didn’t make sense anything he was saying that he is getting an apartment for a year and slowly integrate back into house after we all do therapies. He said a lot of odd things that didn’t make sense. He said I had him on a spending budget not true we haven’t done that for 4+ years while trying to get debt free. He said many like weird false things. He has most of his family saying I set him up to call the police etc. I had called his mom in between 911 calls and she told me he would never kill himself he loves himself too much don’t call anyone period she would go see him. I asked will she take him to hospital she said no. He needs therapy I told her I’ve never seen him like that he isn’t himself he needs help immediately then I proceeded with 302 when he texted he would get help then didn’t.

Could pot cause this erratic behavior or what other drugs could it or combination with psych problems? It’s just crazy I never seen him be controlling or aggressive like that ever.

I have been using for two years. It started off as something “I’d never touch”.

I literally spiraled downhill so quickly I didn’t even notice. That’s actually a bit of a lie, I think I saw it but didn’t want to face the truth. I’m in college to preface. I’ve honestly done tweaker shit off it and I gotta force myself to forget or I’ll have such bad anxiety.

It isn’t that sober up from alcohol drug anymore. It’s not that add on to alcohol anymore. It’s the 3 day no sleep bender, sober dark room, depressive, awful thing.

I don’t do other drugs except for the occasional Molly roll. I see my body deteriorating, friends lost, life opportunities gone, and horrible depressive thoughts. I forgot the worst part is it literally makes u an asshole and you don’t realize. And holy fuck I cannot remember the past half year.

Honestly this is a PSA to anyone starting to try it. Shits horrible it’ll rip your life away from you. I promise quit now so you aren’t days sleepless seeing stuff, horrible body aches, and finending. I know if I don’t quit I’ll die so I hope I can make a follow up post soon:) love y’all

A week ago I bought an 8-ball in a moment of insanity and desperation to feel anything other than how I was feeling at that time. I managed to tell my sponsor but I lied to her and told her I flushed it.

Today I had 21 days clean and sober. I did 2 UAs yesterday (one for my new job [very close to my dream job] and one for my sober living) and my brain told me to use now since I’ve got a few days before my next one so I did a few lines before a family birthday party.

About an hour later, a good friend I had confided in texted me and asked if I had made it through the week without using. I told her I did, while thinking to myself, “If only you asked me that this morning!” She went on and on about how proud she was of me. I’m not sure the self-pity and -disgust have ever kicked in this quickly.

So what did I do? More blow. Wtf.

So I get so angry when my bf becomes sober from his meth shit. I think times when he would threaten to have sex with one of the girls I knew that didn’t like me, he even went as far as texting her n giving her his phone number. I don’t even know if they talk or seen each other. With all that craps who know maybe they did see each other I don’t know. Everytime he hasn’t slept or smoke that he always text me and say now it’s my turn to show you bitch as if I ever did anything to him. Ughh I’m just so angry all the time.

I stopped drinking in 2017. I was using it to manage mental illness and it test helped me perform. Before that I would discipline the shit out of myself and never take a break. I had no choice to survive.

I pushed through my entire life until after grad school when I had to take care of the parents who molested me.

I had blocked our large parts of my life without knowing. I was in a relationship and working my dream job making music videos for pop stars.

When I began to be absued again I started to have flashbacks and PTSD symptoms. I couldn't work and had to get away from home and everyone who knew me. If I told anyone about being abused my family would kill me. They destroyed my reputation by telling people that I was transgender crazy and abusive.

Who would you believe a 60 year old mother or a young seemingly careless male?

My wife didn't understand depression and she saw me as weak for not getting over it.

I wonder now if I'll ever be ok. I'm in therapy and take antidepressants but it feels just like I'm using drugs again to feel ok.

I know I can't find fulfillment in other peoole and I'm so afraid to trust and care again. I worry that I'm no longer capable of loving myself. I no longer try.

Drugs took a lot away from me like my ability to feel balanced on my own but I've grown up in a minefield of abuse and non stop work. I barely know who I am.

Advice ?

I have smoked three bowls, and been hitting my dab pen all morning. I got pulled over by a cop for a brake light being out, but he smelled some weed in the car. I gave him a bullshit answer. He said “ You aren’t giving any visible signs of impairment“ and let me go with a warning about the break light.

I shouldn’t be proud of seeming so normal when I’m stoned. But I am. I’m a professional stoner and have been for 15 years. It’s all the other drugs I can’t touch. I’m good with that, especially bc I don’t drink at all.

My husband and I have been together for 10 years and have kids. He was 2 years sober in recovery when I met him. He was sober for 10 years but relapsed (alcohol) about 2.5 years ago. At first it wasn’t so bad. He claimed that he was just trying to build a healthy relationship with alcohol and was really young when he went into recovery. He was only buying a little beer at a time to monitor himself but about a year ago he started to get out of control. Drinking whatever is available and unable to control himself. He blacks out and becomes scary and completely unaware. He doesn’t remember what he does or says and the next day when I tell him he acts surprised and upset. He says I need to just abstain but by the next day he’s buying it again. He refuses to go into treatment and it has become too much for me. I go to therapy and meetings but it’s become clear to me that I can’t stay in this situation if he doesn’t stop. Last weekend was really rough. He drank all weekend, missed out on our kids bday, acted gross while drunk, was falling around, fell off the couch like dead weight in the middle of the night which scared the crap out of me. I had to help him up and he was arguing with me about m how he didn’t fall (which laying on the floor!). I was shook up this whole week and angry that he kept drinking daily after seemingly showing remorse. We havnt talked to each other much all week and then Thursday night he worked until late at night. When he came home the kids and I were already sleeping. I gave him a heads up that I have an important appointment/procedure the following morning so I need his help with the kids because I can’t take them with me there. He said okay but ended up getting drunk and staying up until like 2am. Then he started drunk dialing me from the other room and woke up our baby and it took me an hour to get the baby back to sleep. I was infuriated and came out into the living room letting him know how mad I am. He said “I’m sorry it was an accident I’m going to sleep now and you should too” I went off on him and called him selfish. I was ridden with anxiety about how I might need to cancel the appointment in the morning because of his addiction and how I wouldn’t be able to leave my small children with him while he’s hungover or unable to wake up. I told him that he’s ruining my life and as I was leaving the room I said “effing loser”. I don’t know why that came out. It’s such a horrible thing to say. I love my husband. I was so heated but right after I said it I was filled with regret. I went to bed shaking and he sent me a message saying “I heard you when you called me a loser”. The next day he was up looking beat up to be with the kids and I went to my appointment. Afterwards I contacted him to apologize. I told him I was sorry for calling him that and that he’s not a loser. He then refused to believe me and said I must really think he’s a loser and it sounded different from any of our other fights. He asked me to admit to him that I believe he’s a loser and said that my apology isn’t real. I realized I said something hurtful so i apologized again and decided to give him some time understandably. He now continues to say that I do think he’s a loser and that it made him feel awful because he already feels like a loser and hearing it from his wife was the worst place to hear it from. I apologized again. He started asking me why I said it and I told him it was built up anger and sadness. And disappointment. But it was still not okay. What do I do next? Am I hindering his recovery? Since I have all this anger I wonder if I should separate myself so that he hopefully would eventually recover.

I feel bad saying this but on some level he’s right. I did start viewing him in an unpleasant way the past year. I can’t help it it’s his addiction. It repulses me. I don’t like the way he treats me and our family and who he is now which is completely different from the person he was when sober. Some part of me is denying that I do feel negatively about him. Yet at the same time I think it was a horrible thing to say and I don’t want him to think he’s a loser. At this point he is definitely not accepting my apology which I think is understandable. He has also said many hurtful things without ever apologizing and he absolutely never validates his hurtful behaviors which makes me feel even more frustrated. Is this marriage doomed? Has anyone experienced things like this with their addicted spouse? My true desire is to be with him and have a loving relationship but with his addiction it feels impossible.

Seems like a weird statement, right? After all, the human brain is wired to develop and change constantly. Yet, the myth persists that "once an addict, always an addict".

Most people age out of their addictions. This is why rates of addiction are highest in younger people. I see posts here and on other forums all the time by people who are into their 30s and more responsible with their drug use.

Many people use drugs addictively for a period of time, and then just stop and move the fuck on with their lives and don't talk about it

I'd be one of those people, but I see these myths and broken systems and see how they contribute to the deaths of my best friends and feel compelled to speak up

Then I get downvoted for saying things like, the average length of an opioid addiction is 15 years.

See article below: most people simply grow out of addiction. Why is this widely denied?

https://drugfoundation.org.nz/articles/ageing-out-of-addiction

Yet, people perpetuate myths like "once an addict, always an addict," that are not only nonsense that isn't backed by the data, but are also extremely harmful

It's sad man

Never mess with Greek people especially in drugs.... You will end up . U can't even imagine

I understand this might not be possible for everyone but this wasn't rehab, this wasn't any other mind tricks. What I did was I would book a cheap Greyhound ticket across the country every day almost(luckily since it was Greyhound it didn't break the bank too much in total costed Abt $600 a month) and I would leave the drugs at home. It sucked absolutely sucked I would be convulsing, crying, all kinds of stuff but because I was in public and also I had no access to my drugs and was literally on the opposite side of the country from them I had no choice. I'd set a stopwatch on my phone and count down every minute literally. Also for sleeping I would often have to sleep in dingy motel rooms or sometimes even on the street but it was worth it. About a month of doing this I saw so much of the country from the rocky mountains, to the Grand canyon, to both of the oceans, to LA and NYC and at the end of it all I no longer desired heroine. I went to college got my degree in Journalism and 10 yrs later I was 19 then now I am almost 30, I live in the Netherlands now got a grad degree as well and get to travel the world for work now. At 19 I thought I was going to die and at 30 I am so glad I didn't. Now I'm not saying my method will work for everyone but the point is find something u like for me it was travelling use that as a push factor, and even if u have to count down every minute of the day u can get thru I believe in you.

I am a loser but not in the traditional sense. I am in recovery from two addictions which actually makes me a winner! But I did lose everything to get here.

I spent so many years either snorting white powder up my nose or playing slot and video poker machines until my eyes were blurry and I could barely walk. I lost hundreds of thousands of dollars, my self-esteem, relationships, jobs, and my soul. I did not have any friends and spent day after day chasing a dream that never came to fruition.

My thoughts were plagued with a bunch of "if only's". If only I won big, my problems would all go away, or if only I died maybe there would be some relief.

I did not have any goals and each day involved hours of trying to find money in which to buy drugs and or gamble. I worked but my heart was not involved. I had places to live or should I say places to sleep, and I did not care about any of it. I just wanted to use and play games.

The life of an addict is a sad one. It is fraught with anger, stress, frustration, anxiety, pain, and sadness. It is a terrible existence because through it all, you only care about doing it more and losing more. To make the emotional pain go away. At times this life was also terrifying. Hanging out with drug dealers, waking up and forgetting where I was, or not knowing if I was going to survive another day.

Everything about addiction is a losing proposition. No one wins and everyone suffers. There is no joy, no future, and really nothing to look forward to. Each day is the same. A hopeless existence with nothing but despair.

But once you have been a loser in every sense, something miraculous occurs. You nearly die, and realize you would rather live. You begin to wonder if maybe losing is not for you any longer. For one moment, you have a glimmer of hope. You don’t know where it comes from, but you feel different. You start to see sunshine again. It is fleeting but over time it happens more and more. And with enough days of wanting to live and fully embracing something different, you enter recovery.

For the first time in many years, I chose to do something different. And not just meetings or admitting I had a problem, I put my heart and soul into recovery. After all, I put my all into drugs and gambling, so why would I not do the same for recovery. The all or nothing mentality is a staple with addicts by the way.

I told everyone I was in recovery. I made amends to family and friends, and reconnected emotionally with my spouse. I gave up control of my finances, and prayed a lot. As each day passed, I slowly started to smile again. I felt alive again, like I had something to look forward to. I surrounded myself with the blanket of recovery, and no one was going to unravel me.

I made recovery the only priority in my life because the alternative was despair, sadness, and maybe even death.

As the years passed, dare I say recovery became easier. Hey, I know it is difficult to separate yourself from whatever it is that inspires you, but overtime it did get easier at least for me. One reason is due to me giving up control over the addiction and accepting the fact that I was indeed an addict.

I was no longer in denial and let go of the idea that I could “handle it.” In recovery I realized I was not able to “handle it” so I let it go.

The clean years continued and I actually started having goals again. I wanted to help people and share my experiences. So that’s what I did. Earned a master’s degree in counseling psychology, and ultimately a PhD in psychology. Now a PhD, that was hard!

I teach, write, and try to find opportunities to help others. Not just those in recovery but anyone that needs it. I particularly want to write about my experiences because I believe that is how we help each other.

So why am I loser? Because I had to lose everything to get where I am today. I appreciate the losses now and how I suffered because it has made me the hopeful, inspired person I am today. And I would not change one thing that happened.

My uncle was addicted to crack for close to twenty years. Finally got sober another twenty years ago. I am visiting family, and stayed over at his house last night, while he and his wife were away. They are set to get back today.

This morning, I found a used crack pipe in the drawer of my uncle’s guest bathroom. They are on their way back from the airport.

What do I do?