I've recently hit a major roadblock in my career, and it's taken quite a toll on my confidence. I was passed over for a promotion that I had spent years working towards, and it left me questioning my abilities and self-worth. Initially, it felt like a personal failure. But over the past few weeks, I've been trying to shift my mindset.

I decided to take actionable steps instead of dwelling on what went wrong. I reached out to my mentor to gain some insights and spent time reflecting on my strengths and achievements. This approach helped me to slowly rebuild my self-esteem, bit by bit. Now, I'm focused on improving my skills, setting new goals, and becoming more resilient in the face of challenges.

It's still a work in progress, but I'm proud of the growth and clarity I’ve gained through this experience. I’ve realized that setbacks don't define us; it's how we move forward that truly matters. Would love to hear how others here have handled similar situations.

If I give you a bowl of dirty water and ask you to purify it. Most would try to filter it, boil it, or take some kind of action to make it clean. But there’s actually another way. If we did nothing at all, the dirt would settle to the bottom of the bowl, and the water would clear up on its own.

your mind works the same way. The water represents your mind, and the dirt is your thoughts, whether they’re positive or negative. When you're learning new social skills or building confidence, it’s easy for your mind to become clouded with self-doubt, worries about what others think, or fears of rejection. These thoughts can stir up your confidence, making it hard to feel clear and calm in social situations.

when your confidence starts to fade or your thoughts become clouded, pay attention to whether you're overthinking or stirring up the “dirt.” In these moments, remind yourself: “The dirt is just dirt.” Don’t judge the thoughts or let them control you. Simply let go of the “thinking stick” that stirs them up and allow the thoughts to settle on their own. Soon, your mind will clear, and your confidence will return.

this is why starting your day with a calm, present mindset is so powerful. When you begin your day with clarity, it’s easier to notice when your thoughts start to cloud your confidence. You’ll be able to recognize when you’re overthinking and let it go, instead of letting it sabotage your ability to connect with others or take social risks.

by training yourself to keep your mind clear and balanced, you’ll build the confidence to engage in conversations, express yourself authentically, and handle any social situation with ease. The more you practice this, the more natural it will feel to trust yourself and your social abilities.

starting your day with a settled mind will help you stay grounded and confident, making it easier to connect with people and develop the social skills you need to thrive.

So I (22m) have been in a bit of a weird mental rut I suppose

So I’ve talked to a few girls this past year, sadly no relationships but I’ve been told nice things. One girl said I was very handsome, I met a different girls family and she said her mom thought I was very handsome and unique looking (but she said in a good way?), and the last girl I talked to said I was “so cute”

And I’ve never been told I was ugly except in high school with some comments and whatnot that didn’t outright say it but had the same effect. But I have changed a lot since then

And there’s a lot of days I look in the mirror and think to myself “damn maybe I DO look kinda good”. And then there’s other days I look in the mirror and all I see how red my face is almost all the time and how no matter what I do I can’t just get my skin to be clear and I don’t really get pimples tbh but my face is just kinda red, at least mostly just my cheeks

And I look and notice how my forehead looks too big or my head looks odd and I think to myself “maaan why tf do I look like this” and then I leave for the day or go back to work and just try not to care

And I really wonder what other people think of me, like one time I DID post in one of those “rate me” subs but took my post down rather quickly because I knew all it was gonna do was make me depressed cuz I’ve noticed people on Reddit can be harsh unless you’re EXTREMELY attractive so I saved my self esteem that hit lol. But still when people see me I wish I could read their minds in what they think of me

But still at the end of the day I stay confident, I don’t let it show to most people that I think of these things or that I’m ever insecure about anything. I always stay my same upbeat (semiii-outgoing self).

And I’ve even been building my confidence, trying to get more comfortable with going up to women and talking to them. So far I’ve just gone up and given a few compliments, baby steps lol

And even when I tell some of my friends about some girls I’m into, like one time I said to 2 of my girl friends in reference to a girl from work “omg she’s so pretty and I’d like to talk to her but lowkey I think she’s out of my league”

And they both gave me an odd look and said “u could definitely do better” and that made me wonder like do they really think I could? Am I underestimating myself or r they overestimating cuz they’re my good friends?

Idk some days I feel like “I’m him” but then others I question if I really am as good looking as I think I am sometimes (I by no means think I’m some amazing looking person but I feel like I’m decently attractive, maybe, idk lol)

I mean this in all seriousness and respect. I’m struggling with this as people find me super pretty at work and then proceed to panic of hit on me or hover. It’s been an issue and making me want to retreat in food to discourage it (I’m skinny but gained weight on purpose in the past to deflect passive aggression from women). No matter how kind or respectful I am other women often just isolate me and make it competitive when I’m just being myself. It sucks. My parents are telling me they hate seeing me give up on my appearance and dressing like a slob to deflect women’s ire but IDK what to do as it happens everywhere. Please and thank you).

If this ask comes across as conceited I promise I am not. A lot of women outright show and tell me that I distress them over the attention I get from men. Men also don’t help in making it better by acting like they’ve never seen a woman around me no matter how often they see me. Other women see that and even if they are taken and the women themselves married proceed to take it out on me. As much as I’ve tried to numb myself to it it honestly hurts and makes me afraid to own up my humanity and maybe dress nice once in a blue moon. I feel pathetic. Standing up to them and pretending they’re not doing it isn’t working nor has worked, it makes them worse actually. Being friendly with everyone isn’t working either and neither is downplaying my look or being a slob about my image, that actually makes them worse.

I’m a retired self proclaimed narcissist and I excel at a lot of things I do but I don’t know how to be humble without tearing myself up. Or like just disregarding anything I do. I think it’s imposter syndrome. I have grown up with too many compliments. I even dislike compliments now I hear it too much.

I got a 95 on a test most people got an F on today but like usual when I do good on a test I lie about my score. I said I got a 68. My friend who I told the truth told me I should stop lying so much, even white lies.

And i’m good at my sport but I don’t know how to say that without seeming boastful. Or saying i’m smart in terms of academics. I always say i’m just fast in comparison to people, not actually fast. Track and field. I say luck a lot too. “I got lucky.”

Just whatever to dismiss my accomplishments and apparently for some reason that’s not a good thing and I wanna know how to be confident/prideful without being arrogant.

6'0 Male, 35 y/o, current weight 248 lbs. So a little background, I have a beautiful wife and a beautiful 2 year old son who I love dearly. I've struggled with weight management my entire life. Highest weight ever was 400 in 2009, but then I went from 400 to 215 within that year. I've been obese my entire life, since I was 5. I'm a fluctuator, typically settling around 280. At best my BMI was about 29, so still on the higher side of overweight.

I'm currently on Wegovy and super motivated, because I have appointments made for next year to discuss getting an abdominoplasty and panniculectomy to remove the excess skin I've carried for the last 15 years since losing all that weight when I was 400 lbs.

One thing I've been experiencing is this weird emotion of being afraid to gain confidence. I have some mental health struggles with anxiety, OCD, and due to my weight issues I'm fairly insecure. I do feel that when I get under 230 or so, I start to look more attractive, and I feel it. I feel it now, even at 248, when compared to how I looked 50 lbs ago. But with the confidence, I have this fear that it's going to change my personality and make me lose control of myself in a weird way, which would in turn make my wife not love me in the same way anymore and make me lose my current living situation.

I have to admit, I do want to look and feel attractive. But my brain keeps asking me why do I want to feel that way? "You're married and you have a kid, why do you want to look attractive to other women?" Does that mean you're gearing up to be a cheater? Are you shallow? Are you going to turn into a total douchebag? Will your personality change for the worse?"

The truth is, I'm extra motivated at the moment because my wife is having bedroom issues lately because of medication she started taking in spring that makes it hard for things to come to a "finale" for her if you catch my drift. We've never had issues in that regard in the past, ever. We know how to make each other tick. At the same time, she also made some new single friends who have been telling her about all this "great seggs" they've been having, so truth be told that combination kinda hit my insecurity a bit and it made me want to be able to be sexier to her. She won't say it herself but I know being in good shape is something that would help. I never ONCE in my life felt confident naked or without a shirt on, even. I want to know what that's like. I should point out she's in very good shape, literally the ideal weight for her height and she's only ever been slightly overweight on her BMI, so I really feel like I owe it to her to match that.

I'm trying not to listen to the brain noise that's doubting my motives. I know that it's always a good thing in marriages to be working on bettering yourself and leveling up, and I've been doing that in many ways. Taking care of my health and being healthy for my wife is something I have complete control of.

But I'm wondering if anyone else ever had doubts or fears about acting differently once they lost a lot of weight?

for a long time, I thought being agreeable and easygoing was my ticket to being liked. I’d bend over backward to avoid conflict, swallow my opinions, and apologize even when I hadn’t done anything wrong. It was my shield, a habit that became almost instinctual—especially with my social anxiety. I convinced myself that as long as I was nice enough, nobody would judge me or reject me.

it was like I’d found a secret formula: agree, smile, avoid tension, stay safe.

but here’s what I’ve come to realize: this version of “nice” wasn’t about kindness—it was a mask I wore to hide from rejection. I wasn’t connecting with people; I was just surviving. Here’s what this “niceness” looked like for me:

• Saying “yes” even when my whole body wanted to say “no”
• Smiling in situations that made me feel small or uncomfortable
• Shrinking into the background, afraid to stand out
• Holding back thoughts, terrified they’d come out sounding “stupid”
• Apologizing for existing, even when no apology was needed

each time I chose “nice” over being real, I reinforced this idea that my true self didn’t deserve to be seen. I thought I was keeping the peace, but all I was doing was making myself smaller, more invisible. then, I asked myself, What would happen if I started being a little more real? at first, I took tiny steps—maybe you’ve tried this too. Instead of forcing a smile when I felt upset, I let my face relax, feeling the weight of my real emotions without covering them up. I started setting small boundaries, even when it felt awkward or uncomfortable. And saying “no” became this small act of self-respect, especially when I was drained or genuinely didn’t want to do something. I was scared people would see me as difficult or mean, but the truth was the opposite. I became a kinder, more genuine person because I wasn’t constantly exhausted from pretending.

here’s the challenge I’m giving myself (and maybe you’d like to try it too):

think of one moment this week when you chose “nice” over real. What would you have done or said differently if you weren’t afraid of the reaction? write it down, or share it here if you feel like it. I’m working to break this habit one choice at a time, and I’d love to hear your experiences too

I am a 33 years old unmarried, childless man and I am currently feeling lost in life. Therefore, and facing some embarrassment at first, I picked up the courage to seek professional support from a therapist for the first time in my life. Nonetheless, I've decided to post here in order to get additional advice from both men and women who are part of this community.

I think that my current feeling of being lost (or left behind) in life mainly stems from two circumstances: mild bullying which resulted in the inability to fully experience my teenage years if and when I compare them with the ones experienced by my peers and the loss of my father due to cancer when Covid-19 was ravaging in 2020. The first circumstance, in fact, turned me from a quite extroverted and carefree boy into an introverted, overthinking and resentful man while the second one wreaked havoc in my everyday life as I abruptly lost one of the most important people I was attached to in a phase in which everyone is supposed to settle down both personally and professionally. Cancer is basically like having to deal with a time bomb where you cannot see the timer and this puts you face to face with the precariousness of life.

Those events profoundly affected me, as I practically spent my teenage years most of the time alone focusing on my studies and these last years trying to settle down professionally facing great difficulties in both dealing with people (as I work in Sales & Distribution) and life itself. There are days in which I feel completely absorbed by what I am doing and therefore I manage to get things done as expected without having to deal with what my therapist calls "intrusive thoughts" and others in which I feel overwhelmed by a hurricane of negative thoughts and sensations about myself and the future ahead of me that make me cry silently on my pillow as soon as I get home at the end of the day.

I deeply regret the fact of not having been able to experience love in its blossoming, intense and raw nature during my teenage years, unlike my peers, the fact that those times and hangouts will never come back again thus leaving a deep scar inside my heart and lastly, the fact that I am very often going to be at unease in social settings when acquaintances/colleagues etc. discuss about their family, children and career prospects. At the same time I also drastically reduced the amount of time I spend on social media as people just seem to share the good things in their life, but I always try to take any opportunity to hang around my friends and family members, even if some of them are starting a family and this makes me feel at unease as I previously explained. Going out for dinner/ a movie/ a play at the theatre all by myself is too much for me to handle and, quite frankly, humiliating at the moment. Casually going out for some drinks or travelling instead, are more manageable activities but comes with some strain as well.

I'd like to become more optimistic and resilient in order not to find myself alone and hopeless as I reach maturity and retirement. What advice would you give me? Thank you for your help and please forgive me if I made some mistakes but I am not a native English speaker.

I feel as if I’m good at talking with women, but there comes a point where I want to ask for their number or to take them out for a drink, and then I freeze. I believe if I just said these things, it would probably work most of the time, as I feel they could be interested aswell. I guess it’s a confidence issue. I want to be more assertive and straight to the point. Can anyone relate ? Any tips would be amazing, thanks.

I was a very confident, academically successful person for the past two years. High school was tough for me, but I think I found my groove in college and things went okay. I didn't have any quality friends, but it didn't feel any bad.

Reeking of confidence, I made my life worst decision - I decided to move to a completely new country (US) and start a new life, thinking I could get paid more, experience more. As a guy, I didn't have any type of social-emotional support back home, my sister was kind of there for me. When I came here, I realized that I don't have a single person to talk to.

I was never good at talking, but I thought I overcame that in the past two years. My social anxiety was very much manageable. But it’s hard now. I got a part time job; it pays well but it hasn't made me confident. I understand confidence snowballs and I just need to take small steps, but I wish I had some help.

I am not good with verbal language. I got good at communicating after covid, but now it’s like I hit reset. Now I must do that all over again, in a completely different language (English). It gets worse when I am nervous, but back home I could be along with friend, and it helps. Here I have no friends, so I can't even practice.

To be clear, I was never socially competent. I never had any friends, all my life. But I was a confident son of bitch, I had good grades, and my future was looking good. Lots of people say they admired my determination. Now, I don't have that either. I try my absolute best academically, but it seems like I'm smart enough in this university full of really smart people.

I thought being a quick learner and smartness would get me a job. With the tech job market, I got too depressed to even apply for internships (I'm begging my sister to do that for me now). I can't even p**n because I feel so bad about myself, like I can't even make a conversation with a girl.

I try to keep myself distracted, with internet, some personal projects, I volunteer. Hoping to join a gym next month. I spend all my evenings trying to decompress. I'm a good person you know. I got bullied at high school, had no friends, nobody thought I'd go to college. When is life gonna get better? I've been dragging myself forward for so long that I can't keep doing this anymore. Maybe I don't deserve to be happy, but I don't deserve to suffer like this goddammit.

I cry a hundred times more now than I ever did in my life. I'm in a place in my life where without help/support, I'm gonna stay in this hole forever :/

I'm sorry but the description of this sub is just plain awful and does the exact opposite of what I understand about confidence. I've always struggled to attain and understand confidence. It has been the biggest question mark in my life, my biggest inner conflict, a science for itself. But one thing I noticed is for sure: CONFIDENCE IS NOT PRETENDING. Walking with a straight back, pretending to be confident, convey authority and confidence, thats just utterly ridiculous advice. It basically sugguests "be a leader/alpha" and we all know by now that this is outdated. Trying to be the leader in a forced manner, if that's not your goal, is the exact opposite of being confident and accepting yourself for who you are.

My personal take is that confidence is best attained when being authentic and true to yourself AND THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF PRETENDING. If you act this way you will never, ever, gain confidence. LISTEN TO YOUR FEELINGS, KNOW WHAT YOU WANT, DON'T FEEL ASHAMED, STICK TO YOUR CORE VALUES.

Confidence is being safe with who you are, safe with your flaws. If you have a weird walking style, walk weirdly but own it. If you get nervous around somebody, don't pretend you're not nervous, own it and be nervous. The funny side-effect of being content with your own flaws is that your flaws disappear.

Over and over, I'm really amused by how ridiculous advice there is out there. This is a 313K sub with a huge impact on people, huge responsibility and should not be spreading shitty anecdotal advice.

ngl, I’ve definitely had my share of nights just staring at the ceiling, heart racing, replaying every awkward thing I’ve ever said or didn’t say. Like, my brain will latch onto some random convo from years ago and just fixate on it, wondering if people still remember that one weird thing I said or if they think I’m just… odd. It’s honestly draining. I used to get stuck in that overthinking loop all the time, like, why can’t I just be confident like everyone else? I’d wonder if I was gonna be stuck in this cycle of doubt and regret forever

has anyone else been through this? what’s that one thought that keeps you up at night? I’d love to hear your thoughts!

i cant breathe when i feel invisible, a heavy feeling weighs on my chest, i feel like no one sees me and nobody cares for me

this is consistently happening from time to time for years already how do i fix this how do i stop this feeling i usually cry myself to sleep or sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night just to cry help me

28M here. I definitely struggle when it comes to confidence as a man. I sometimes feel like I’m behind in life sometimes and struggle with comparing myself to other men who are further along. So what helped you guys build confidence in yourselves?

I (M34) was obese my whole life until right now. Not just obese, unkempt, unhygienic and depressed. I felt like in every interaction, I was playing defense about my looks, starting at a deficit because seeing me was uncomfortable. But, I put in the work, I lost over 100lbs, I trimmed my beard, I shaved my head. I got to where, I think, my looks aren't a detriment. I think by any reasonable measure, I look quite good for a man in his mid thirties.

But I can't feel it. I'm still anxious. I feel like my presence bothers people. I stutter around people I think are cool or I want to know and I crumple like aluminum foil when someone makes eye contact with me. I don't even know where to start. Who can help?

So I’ve noticed that some people have that cool aura that u can look at them and see that they r cool. People want to be around them and befriend them but that person will never be me. Why? Any tips? I am 16f and I compare myself

Bit of a long story, but I am beyond exhausted with dealing with this at 36 years old. Since I was in middle school, I've been relentlessly mocked and bullied about how I look. I was chubby, then fat, then just ugly once I lost weight from marching band. I've never been hit on or approached when in public, only getting flirted with when online gaming where my voice is all I am. I tried Bumble, Tinder, etc. but never got any matches.

Thusly, I've only been in 2 relationships. The first was a highschool sweetheart situation (I was admittedly my most attractive when we met), which turned into a sexless marriage with very little physical affirmations. My second (and current) started online gaming. Early on, after meeting in person, I found out my partner had told his friends I definitely wasn't as attractive as he thought and 20 pounds too heavy (we were long distance and while I sent as many unflattering photos to help him see what he was getting into, I guess he thought I was still more attractive than I really am.

After dealing with the lasting insecurity from finding that, we finally got married and I thought I was starting to do my best to feel good in my skin. Cut to last week, when I find out that my husband's friends use me and my looks as a "dig" when insulting and shit talking him. He will bring their girlfriends up as a dig, but always lifts them up saying "she's too good for you" and even goes so far as to compliment his friends saying they're lucky to have a cool, and attractive girl.

My husband is no longer friends with the primary friend who called me ugly, but now I'm finding it hard to move on from it. It's been my whole life. I thought when we grew up things like this would stop happening. I know I am more than looks. I am highly educated, smart, funny, and fun, but none of that ever seems to add up to the weight placed on physical appearance in the world. How do I build my self confidence when all I've ever known is the feeling of being "less than"?

i used to feel this all the time… heart racing, palms sweaty, just that overwhelming urge to bail. The bathroom basically became my safe zone, and my phone? The ultimate distraction. Funny how scrolling gets so interesting when you’re dodging eye contact lol. And the worst part? watching life happen around me while I’m hiding out, like I’m missing it all. So, I gotta ask, what’s your go-to escape? And be real… how many times a day are you pulling one of these moves? 😅

I just feel like for the most part of having low confidence and insecurities because of lack of achievements and nothing to be really proud of which lowers self esteem. I mean I guess people who get fit or find a desired job or earn certain income maybe their confidence automatically increases and they actually want to become more better but if you're just working a regular job or just unhappy about current life situation you just end up feeling unmotivated and not so confident.

I feel like for me is that I'm working a job that I don't like and I wish to have a better position and better salary but I don't really know what to pursue and don't really have an idea how do I increase my opportunities so I'm living in this rut situation and all I end up doing is blaming myself for it. And sometimes progress takes time and you just feel like it's taking forever and get this doubts like nothing is gonna change

Today I wrote an email to an IT staff person because I felt he was passive aggressive towards me. I'm not sure how he will respond. I suspect he doesn't care, he doesn't think I'm smart, and he is only nice to me in front of others when it benefits him. I'm proud that I said what I feel.

Hello, my name is Brian. I am 37 M mid-Atlantic region of the United States.

Last week I got to have an approximately 45 phone conversation with a woman I am interested in. I have vaguely known her for years. But this was the first long and extended conversation we have ever had.

I thought it went great. I would have had a lot longer conversation if it was up to me. Unfortunately, she does not feel the same way about me and wanted to end the conversation. It is doubtful we will ever talk again :(

I get it. I certainly do not expect everyone to like me. I will even admit I am a bit of an acquired taste. That said it is getting old. I have certainly noticed a pattern going all the way back to college.

I am the first person to admit I am shy. I am the first person to admit I do not ask enough women out. But I do and I have been on plenty of dates, had plenty of conversations. It just seems that when I get my chances, be they phone calls, one on one conversations or even dates the person never seems to like me more after the conversation than before.

I was so interested in her. I could have heard her tell me anything. She probably talked for 2/3rds of the time, and I was really liking her. Realizing she does not feel the same about me is always a bit painful.

I just know that at some point in order for me to get into a relationship I am going to someday have to have a long and extended conversation with someone and have that person still like me after the conversation. Call it confidence call it whatever. I just wish I knew I was capably of having a conversation with someone and having her still like me after :)

If anyone has any thoughts or advice on this issue, I would love to hear anything. Have other people run into this wall as well? What have people done to get over this hump? Is it just a pure numbers game or am I missing something basic? Thank you all so much.

I'd like to hear someone say I'm cute and actually mean or tell me how they actually feel

tbh I used to fall into this pattern over and over... I'd stay quiet, nod along, and agree to things I didn’t want to. I thought it would make things easier, but it always left me feeling empty. Then, I'd lay in bed at night, replaying all the things I wished I'd said, the boundaries I wished I'd set, and the times I wish I’d stood up for myself. That mental replay became a loop of self-criticism that felt impossible to break. It drained my energy, my confidence, and sometimes even my sense of self. Looking back, I wonder what it really cost me.

has anyone else been through this? Wht would u say is your biggest regret from people-pleasing? or, if you could go back, what would you tell your younger self about it? I’d love to hear your thoughts!

As above. What did you do to regain your confidence after being cheated on? I am in my early 30s, female, and the betrayal completely shattered me. I want a family so I want to recover as quick as possible and find someone right for me. Pressure from social media doesn't help... 'you're 30 now, men go for women in 20s', 'your standards are too high considering you're 30+'. 'Date older men so it won't happen' - yeah... happened to me with an older one...

I'm so done. I'm fighting but there are hurdles all the time which prevent me to really believe things will work out for me :(

I'd say I am quite attractive, fit and active and trying to take care about my looks, clothes, my mind(going therapy, gym, meditating, new hobbies) I am trying to smile but inside I'm totally broken.

Today I went up to a girl at work I think is very pretty and I noticed she did something new with her hair

I went up to her and told her I noticed she did something different and that it looked very pretty on her

My heart was pounding in my chest and I stuttered a decent amount but I did it and didn’t chicken out!

This was my 3rd time ever complimenting a random girl in person that I’ve never really spoken to before

Growing up, I always thought confidence was something that came from big, bold actions—mastering a skill, speaking publicly, or leading a group. But recently, I’ve discovered it’s often found in the small, quiet moments we spend with ourselves. Walking in the park alone, enjoying a meal without constantly checking my phone, or even just sitting in silence at home. These moments have taught me to be comfortable with who I am on my own.

I used to think solitude was something to be feared, but now I see it as an opportunity. By embracing these moments, I've begun to build a stronger sense of self. It was a gradual shift, but I noticed that my conversations became more genuine and I started valuing my own opinions over what others might think. It's like finding freedom in the simple acts of just being.

If you’re on your own journey to boost confidence, try embracing those solitary moments. They might be the unexpected helping hand, allowing you to connect deeper with yourself and, in turn, with others.

In the journey of personal growth, one obstacle that often holds us back is our own limiting beliefs. These beliefs, formed in our childhood, can persist into adulthood, and hinder our progress towards success and fulfilment. But there is the good news: by recognising and overcoming your limiting beliefs, you can unlock our true potential and live the life you aspire to.

Limiting Beliefs are one of the most common issues I work with for two reasons. We all have them and my approach is Solution Focused: at its very core, it supports clients in developing their sense of agency which is ideal for moving on from issues rooted in the past to achieve sustainable improvements in their quality of life.

So what are Limiting Beliefs?

We all form a set of beliefs in our childhoods: generally, they are formed rationally and serve us well at the time. However, time moves on and things change. As we become adults, our childhood beliefs serve us less well – and the resultant behaviours may become incongruent with the situation we are in.

This leads to the conclusion that one of the things it means to grow up, is to develop out of our childhood beliefs and adopt a new set of beliefs – and resultant behaviours - that will serve us more resourcefully as adults. This progression follows a broad pattern of developing from dependence as children to independence as young adults to interdependence as mature adults. Our overall set of beliefs are developing all the time. However, most of us will carry some of our childhood beliefs with us in to adulthood. Most will be innocuous, but some of them may impede our performance as high functioning adults. Many adults benefit from contemplating this list, recognising any that are impacting on their quality of life and working on growing out of them.

Common Limiting Beliefs

A general list of limiting beliefs has been well established:

• I need everyone I Know to approve of me • I must avoid being disliked from any source • To be a valuable person I must succeed in everything I do • It is not OK for me to make mistakes. If I do, I am bad. • People should strive to ensure I am happy. Always! • People who do not make me happy should be punished • Things must work out the way I want them to work out • My emotions are illnesses that I’m powerless to control • I can feel happy in life without contributing back in some way • Everyone needs to rely on someone stronger than themselves • Events in my past are the root of my attitude & behaviour today • My future outcomes will be the same as my past outcomes • I shouldn’t have to feel sadness, discomfort and pain • Someone, somewhere, should take responsibility for me

Beyond these, we can have our own specific limiting beliefs which are often versions of I’m not good enough / I’m not worthy / I’m not smart enough / I’m unattractive / change is bad / conflict is bad / the world is a scary place / people are mean ect.

Simply reflecting on the above may point the way to a resolution. Working with a Solution Focused approach is particularly well suited to personal development in this area as – by its very nature – it opens up the pathways between the parts we know and recognise as ‘us’ and the deeper levels of our wisdom: ideal when are going through lots of changes on our lives.

It is more effective to work on these with a skilled helper however working through the following questions will provide you with some insight:

• What is the evidence for this belief – and against it? • Am I basing this belief in facts or feelings? • Is this belief really black and white – or is it more interesting than that? • Could I be misrepresenting the evidence? • What assumptions am I making? • Might others have different interpretations of the issue? • If so, what might they be? • Am I looking at all the evidence or just what supports my thoughts? • Could my thoughts be an exaggeration of what is true? • The more you think about the evidence and differing perspectives, is this belief really the truth? • Am I having this thought out of habit, or do the facts support it? • Did someone pass this thought or belief on to me – if so, are they a reliable source? • Does this belief serve you well in life? • Does this belief help or restrict you in your life? • Have you paid a price from holding this belief – if so, what? • Would there be a price from continuing to hold this belief – is so, what? • What do you think about this belief now?

This, analytical, approach can be illuminating. This insight gained can then be used with a range of hypno-therapeutic processes to accelerate one’s personal development.

I’m 28. I currently work in a job where I make low/ mid 6 figures. I paid off my truck in 2 years, invest a lot of my money, and have a decent down payment for my house. I consider myself a hard worker and was able to move up in the company I’m at in record time. I was 1 of 5 out of 25 people to pass an important test at work. I go to the gym 5 times a week and am in good shape. I’m outgoing, love learning, and am always trying to self reflect and improve on myself.

My job came with the sacrifice of moving away from my home city, and my relationship, where we gave long distance a try. I dedicated a bit too much to my career and it cost me that relationship, and I take responsibility for it. I thought she was the one, I imagined my life with her, but looking back at the relationship there were other issues and I now see that it might not have been the healthiest for either of us.

But I feel my relationship ending destroyed my confidence and self worth. All of my friends are either getting married or engaged, and I’m back at square one. I’m trying to heal, and I know that’s not linear, but I’ve really been struggling with it. I look back at all my accomplishments and I know I should be proud of them, but I just feel that maybe none of it was worth it.

Does anyone have any advice or tips on things I can do to gain my confidence back, or help me shift my mindset? I know there’s no quick fix, but just looking for little things I can do to help. It would really be appreciated.

For the longest time, I believed that confidence came from social validation and external approvals, which meant being alone felt like a weakness. A few months back, I started deliberately doing things by myself—going to the movies, eating out, and even traveling solo. At first, I felt awkward, questioning every move, but slowly it transformed into an empowering journey.

The real turning point came during a weekend hike. I remember reaching the summit, alone and drenched in sweat, but the feeling of accomplishment was unparalleled. It made me realize that confidence didn’t necessarily come from others acknowledging you; it came from recognizing your own capabilities and achievements.

Since then, I’ve found joy in experiences and challenges that are mine alone. This sense of self-reliance has trickled down to other aspects of my life. I’m still learning and far from perfect, but embracing solitude has made a significant difference. Anyone else find doing things alone reshaped their confidence?