Starting around middle school, I developed pretty high social anxiety because I was bullied and left out of many groups since basically forever. Unfortunately, my coping response was to shut down and become a very quiet person, thinking everything I was going to say would be judged or ignored. It really tore me apart because I am not introverted. I really value forming connections with people, going out and experiencing things with others, but I could not get myself to truly open up to many people, so they thought I was cold, distant, weird, etc. I know I lost and missed out on making many connections because of my lack of vulnerability. I also feel like I have been unlucky with people in the past just abandoning me suddenly for no clear reason, only making this issue worse.
For some baffling and unknown reason, during the second half of my junior year of undergrad (2 years ago), this social anxiety completely went away. I was just suddenly able to speak to anyone about anything without fearing what their reaction would be or what they would think of me. I felt so free, and it made me so happy to finally feel this way. I made many friends during my remaining time in undergrad, including this past summer. I was going into grad school in a brand new place the coming fall, and I was so excited to go there with this new found confidence.
Fast forward to today, at the end of my first year of grad school, I feel like my anxiety has creeped its way back in again. While not as bad as before, I am terrified of it getting worse or staying this way even. I am in a friend group here that most likely has the most active social life of the entire class, which is great on the surface for me. However, they have almost always made me feel like the black sheep in the group. I seriously feel like if I were not in a group chat with them, I would never know what is going on because I am barely informed of anything. One girl in this group has never really liked me I am sure, but that has only gotten worse, and I feel like the others have started to follow suite. Even though there are times where I feel like I am starting to get some kind of connection with at least a few of them, the next day is like ground zero, and I am back to being ignored, on the outside looking in.
Because of their actions, I have become increasingly reserved around them since I feel like there is no point in talking sometimes which only makes the problem worse. Additionally, since they have planted this seed of doubt in my mind again, I feel like it is affecting other relationships I have formed with others here. I have become more hyperaware of their tone and reactions toward me, leading me to question myself and become anxious. It is a viscous and terrible cycle that I only feel will get worse if I do not stop caring about what these people are doing to me, but it has really been hurting me. I thought I would get a fresh start, that this confidence would allow me to meet the right people, but the cycle has repeated itself again... gaining relationships only to lose them for no discernable reason, and it makes me sick to my stomach.
I know everyone will say to get out of this friend group, but I am looking for advice on how to transcend their regular apathy toward me, how to not let this ruin my confidence even further, and how to gain my confidence back.

I have noticed lately I am having a hard time fully cleaning my space. My room is disgusting along with my bathroom. I have become far too comfortable with living in clutter. I really want to clean, I have been wanting to for months but I find myself just staying in bed, going to work. I still maintain good hygiene. No one would ever think I live the way I do and I know it’s doing all sorts of stuff to my psyche. Growing up my mom would base a lot of my worth off how clean my room was and how much I cleaned the house. Sometimes I think it haunts me as an adult.

I just feel exhausted and overwhelmed. I own my own business and a lot of my energy goes to that but I feel like I deserve a clean space but I find myself being so lazy. How do I pull myself out of this?

Hey guys I'm a 17 year old boy with fucking no confidence and motivation is at an all time low. As it says I have no confidence and I feel like a child for this so I came here hoping some of you guys have advice I can use to try help. Literally anything would help cause it's getting unbearable

So when I take pictures of myself I actually get nausous at how ugly I am. Like some of my family also mention it alot, sometimes even describing me as offensive looking. And I can't disagree with them, I have to be true to my self. Especially with side view that's actually so horrifying it's insane and I'm only in my 20s. It's not like I had a choice in how I look. And it's not like something medically wrong with my face just massive black eyes and rubbish skin. But looking straight on I wouldn't be that unpleasant maybe a 2/3. What could help is probably a skincare plan, nose job to fix breathing and appearance and a CPAP (to help breathe at night) but I'm still working to afford those.

Although several times while on holiday I've had strangers tell me I'm beautiful which makes me think maybe I'm not that bad, especially because they gain nothing from saying that. However that was some time ago and even tho I'm in my 20s (M) I'm aging rapidly and getting uglier quicker 😂 thanks to all the sleepless nights. Anyways sorry just had to put this somewhere

I was just offered a great job at an amazing salary. I want to be confident and be a winner at this role.

I have been told that I take things to personally at my last few jobs.

What steps can I take to be confident and calm and not to take criticism personally?

I have been really struggling lately. I've had massive sprial confidence wise and my self worth is at an all time low.

I've had to always battle around the fact I'm not "worth much", I dont have any redeeming physical features or any thing like that to use to build myself up.

I'm feeling I'm now at the stage I'm just in denial when I try to self affirm. I just can't seem to feel good about myself knowing I'm a bit of a dud.

It all feels a but numb

I was bullied for like 5 years, and because of that my confidence died. I just started in a new school just to get bullied again. People still don’t understand that bullying is mental and physical abuse, they just think about it as kids/teens being mean.

For the past few years, I have relied only on dating apps in order to try and get dates. I am a very shy and reserved person and have not been able to ask anyone out in person in many years.

Unfortunately, it has been a while. And perhaps the less said about my recent dating life the better. So it goes without saying the dating apps are not working for me. I really wanted to stick with just using dating apps for a variety of reasons. Like my lack of a social life, my shyness, and the fact I am kind of unique and would prefer to just get that across on a dating app.

I won't list everything about me. But the two big hang ups are I still live with my parents. And I have a very low income. I am not complaining about either. In truth I am happy. But I seem unable to convince myself I could ask someone out in person, and she would accept both of these things about me.

I am kind of the opposite of a lot of people. My biggest fear in asking someone out is not rejection. But it is acceptance of a date. I am so worried no one will ever accept me for those two things. I admittedly dread having to explain all this to someone on like a first or second date. Or even like a fourth or fifth date if I chose not to revel this about myself right away.

I have always been honest about where I live and my income level and the simple life I am looking for on my dating apps. But in person I do not know how to be honest about all this.

I know it is probably a pretty small minority of women who would be ok with still dating me. And I just do not know how to have the confidence to ask women out when I know I would only appeal to a small minority.

If anyone has any ideas or suggestions for me to help improve my confidence so that I can ask someone out in person again I would love to hear it.

Thank you all so much.

Can anyone relate and just need to talk and be transparent?

I was looking for a therapist, social skills, public speaking orgs today and realized I’d just rather connect with someone else that’s struggling and feeling it rn too. I’m overwhelmed. There’s so much to research and read through and then it’s rare you find it on the first try.

Is anyone feeling it too and just wants to talk, pour out and encourage? It’d be nice to actually talk and voice chat. If this makes sense, I know I have it but I’m loosing it and trying to catch it before it (confidence, self-esteem, social skills) gets worse.

I'm at a loss. It's like I'm hitting some kind of low point. It's hard to put into words, but let me try to keep it short. Over the past six years, from college till now, I've only been on about 6 or 7 dates, and they never really went beyond just that – dates. With one these dates i had my first time with 27. I'm just worn out. Sure, I match with people on Tinder, Bumble, you name it, but the whole texting game drains me. I hardly ever bother to reply. So, I tried to switch things up: started asking out girls I actually know for coffee. But it always ends at just coffee. I know I'm not the smoothest when it comes to flirting; maybe I come off too friendly instead of romantic.

Just a couple of weeks ago, I asked a college friend for coffee, and we even went out partying with her friends, but then... silence. I thought she was into me, especially after some heavy flirting at a party a couple of months back. I know there's room for improvement, but how much do I have to change? Why does it feel like I have to overhaul myself just to show someone I'm interested?

And why did I have to fall for my best friend? Couldn't it have been someone random, someone I wouldn't risk hurting? I have enough other female friends and surround myself with other so why did it need to stuck with her?

I thought moving to the city would shake things up, but it's only made it worse. Forty hours a week at a job that feels so dull and lifeless; it's the epitome of boring. Yes, I'm involved in theatre, improv classes, and I pursue my hobbies, and I have great friends. I'm not saying I don't get matches, and I'm not the ugliest guy around, but I'm just so drained. I don't mean to sound like I'm boasting; there's not much to boast about. I'm just not feeling much joy these days. It's all just so monotonous and uninspiring. What am I missing? Why does it have to be this hard?

Context, me 35F unmarried, with partner 36M for 9 years and have a child together (3.5). There’s so much I can unpack here for context but my true issue right now is recovering from self esteem issues.

After a long road of postpartum and health issues, I’ve lost weight and was down to 85 lbs (I am 4’10). With postpartum anxiety I developed a skin picking issue that I’m still healing from. I’ve since been able to stop the acne and stop picking but I’m trying to heal the scars and gain weight. I’m up to 95lbs.

Most of the comments my partner has made about me not being attractive to him occurred when he was drunk and he’s now been sober 2 months. However comments have still happens about my bra side for example and when I’m hurt it’s “well how would you feel if I changed how I looked?” Yet I’m going to the gym, I quit a high stress job and work from home, I’ve been focusing on my health but I am a small person and I don’t think that will change. Being that I am this stature it feels lonesome and like I’m not even a woman and no one wants to hear you complain about being skinny right so who do I talk to?

My partner most recently has just decided to be on a completely different sleep schedule so aside from having all the bedtime routine to myself I just feel even more lonesome and unwanted. No initiation of even a cuddle so I hope I dont have to elaborate more than that. I have a partner who I think does try. He’s quit drinking as mentioned, also focusing on health but really silos himself in his “own

How can I do the same, and start to feel more confident and not have so much of my worth in the hands of someone who if I’m being honest with myself just isn’t attracted to me? As long as we’re choosing to stay together is there any hope for my own happiness and self worth to come back?

I feel like I am just a mom/sister/roommate at this point. I’ve tried talking, I tried ordered one of the like sexy subscription boxes for us it just is what it is I think.

I guess this is relevant but a couple of drunk nights he brings up an open relationship and this devastates me. To him it’s in the past and all these things are a mistake of words. To me it’s betrayal that has just continued with the lack of attention and true connection. When I say he tries, he does a lot as far as trying to cheer me on with my health journey, compliments me during the day, is willing to see a counselor and we have an appt coming up.

Is it just done?

i’m a 23f. i’ve always struggled with body image. it used to be my weight (even though i’ve always been skinny [5’5 never over 125lbs]) where i would guilt myself if i missed a day at the gym or “overate”. i’d see girls on social media with better bodies who were skinnier and more toned. while this has definitely improved i still struggle with either wanting to be smaller, or wanting to be more toned. i’ve grown a lot in the gym, and have muscles, abs, and have seen personal improvements but there’s days where i feel self conscious about my body.

over the past year or so my skin has been a massive insecurity for me. again, i see girls on instagram with “perfect skin” or even irl and if i have a breakout it completely wrecks my confidence. i have mild acne that seems to be hormonal. i’ll go a few weeks with pretty clear skin but when the breakout hits it sets me back and i feel like all of my confidence is gone. i won’t leave my apt without makeup to cover it up. i feel like everyone’s staring at my skin.

both of these combined leave me feeling pretty insecure sometimes and i’ve noticed it come out in my current relationship with my bf (m24). he assures me i am beautiful and he loves me and finds be very attractive in all aspects. i know he means this but i can’t help but compare myself to girls he knows or sees. i am constantly wondering if he thinks someone is more attractive than me or if he would prefer them physically. if i see he likes a girls post (not even a bikini trap or thirst trap) just a post of a girl from college or hs who looks done up in a dress i automatically am like omg what if he thinks she’s hotter.

i understand it’s completely normal to acknowledge someone else’s beauty whether you’re in a relationship or single, it’s in our nature. we have talked about this and he says he finds me the most attractive. he’s been honest and has told me he does think other ppl are attractive too. i know this is normal, like i said, but it does kinda eat me up inside. i also think part of this comes from my ex who would openly tell me how he didn’t know if he wanted to be with me bc he found himself more attracted to other girls and debated if it would be better dating them.

sorry for the long post, i just need some advice on how to fix my mindset. i feel awful letting it affect my relationship and i know it’s something i’ve been struggling with for a while now, even before my relationship (and yes, i am in therapy :) )

When I smoke or drink, I become very confident. After a few drinks, I can go to a movie or restaurant alone without caring what others think of me. But when I'm sober, I'm always worried about how I look and what others think. I don't drink or smoke often, only occasionally with planned events, and nobody knows about this side of me. How can I build confidence without relying on alcohol or smoking?

Reading the 'New personality self-portrait' by Oldham and Morris has changed the way I see myself and others. It helped me accept me just the way I am but also accept others just the way they are. My process is not complete yet, but hopefully I am getting there.

One of the things I learned is that self-confidence is one of my 3 strongest styles in my personality pattern. I always considered myself confident, but reading up on the psychology behind it has been absolutely liberating.

I honestly don't know if I am at the right place, but does anybody relate with what I am saying?

Recently, I noticed that my personality often clashes with low-confidence personality styles. Luckily, I do not feel resentful in these situations anymore. I understand now that it is perfectly natural for everybody to have different personality setups. But nevertheless, I am starting to feel drawn towards finding other self-confident people in my life.

If there's anybody here that relates to the question in the title: how have you found other confident people in your life? Unfortunately, it feels that low-confidence personality styles far outnumber the self-confident personality style, but maybe that's just the bubble I created for myself?

Hello, so I have this problem. I have man boobs and it drains my self esteem so much. It completely destroys my confidence in my appearance. They aren't really THAT visible in clothes but I still know they are there. I was told that I should just accept that they are a part of me and they will be there. My dad, grandpa, uncle, exc. They have them too. Even though my uncle did a really big amount of swimming, apparently no change. It's gotten to a point where I rejected an invite to a pool party because I just felt too embarrassed and awkward. I have no idea what to do. Is there any way for me to just completely accept them or to lose them without spending too much time exercising (I have to study a lot). Any help greatly appreciated 👍

Edit : Guys, there is nothing wrong with Testosterone. I could grow a beard no problem when I was 13 + I had hair everywhere so I don't think that is the case.

And no I am not overweight. I have 183cm and 80 kg (The average). And I eat less calories than I am supposed to often because I don't feel hungry and my sugar intake is low cuz I bake sugar-free stuff if I get a sweet tooth and only drink tea/water every day.

It may be gynecomastia idk. I don't really need to/want to lose weight. I just want to accept myself as I am... (And if it was gynecomastia then there would be barely any point in exercising. I am fine with having a slightly bigger stomach right now.)

Anyway thanks for responding yall! Appreciate it a lot 🙏

I am obviously using several dating apps. But I have not had much luck with them lately. I am looking to expand into other websites in order to meet potential dates.

Do people have any good suggestions? I am already on Reddit obviously. I am a little active on YouTube, but that seems like a really tough place to get a date lol. I have an empty Facebook page and a banned Instagram account. So those probably would not help either lol.

It is nothing personal against Twitter. But I am not into politics or news. And that website has too much of both so I am not really interested in using it.

What other suggestions do people have? I will admit to being a bit out of date in a lot of things so I would love some suggestions. Thank you.

I hate kind of admitting defeat. But after posting some and putting in a lot of reflection I realize I just do not have the courage or conviction to ask out women in person again. I have not been able to do that since I was in my 20s. I am 37 now.

I think I am just going to have to rely upon the internet and dating apps to get dates. I am just a very shy and reserved person. I just do not think I can have that kind of confidence again.

It feels weird sharing this in this room. But it feels good to get it off my chest.

Heyy :D so just like the title says, I have found myself projecting onto attractive people without meaning to. I would say that I'm average? My friends and family like to try to convince me otherwise by calling me cute, pretty, stuff like that (I'm a girl), I've had a few random girls compliment me, but I know where I stand LOL.

I've been trying to work on confidence and I think I'm getting better but I keep having this reoccurring problem...when I see someone who I know is several leagues above me in looks, I automatically assume they 1) wouldn't want anything to do with me 2) that I would have no right interacting with them, and I also just feel so embarrassed for just existing near them or thinking about them? I don't know how to stop doing this...I feel so small at the idea of having to be around attractive people because I can't seem to conceptualize that maybe they wouldn't be judging me the whole time, maybe they'd like me, maybe they just wouldn't care about what I look like? It's affecting the way I act and the way I perceive people and I desperately want it to stop. PLEASE give me advice.

I (37 M US) am not having much luck with any of the dating apps. It has been a long time since my last date lol. But I realize this does not make me all that unique so I will not worry too much about that.

My problem is I rely very heavily on dating apps because I am looking for something unique. I am not a high earner. I am looking for a very simple life. I would love to share my life with someone who is also looking for a very simple life.

I make sure to get this across on my dating apps as best as I can. But obviously I am not attracting too many people lol.

It really has been since my undergrad days (and maybe just a bit in grad school) since I asked women out in person. I am not afraid to get in trouble for doing it but I worry my chances of success when asking out in person are super low.

And even though I am not afraid of rejection. I am still a very shy and sensitive person. So, asking people out in person is very difficult for me. And I just have not been able to do it in a very long time.

I guess my question, is over whether it is worth me still trying to ask people out in person even though what I am looking for is very unique? I still live with my parents and probably will for the foreseeable future. Not impossible for me to move out but I would only do it with a girlfriend.

Thank you in advance.

So there's this girl I used to be pretty close friends with, we used to hang out in the same group of friends and that stuff. Last year she moved to a different country and we kept in touch for the first few weeks, then her replies started to get slower and slower and them they stopped. But then she'd try to start another conversation with "hey, how's it going?" every couple of months or something, and then we talk for a bit, and then same story, replies get slower and then they stop. And then, rinse and repeat. This has been going on since October/November. The other day she messaged me again and I genuinely don't know why she keeps doing this. She wants to make it seem like she cares about what I'm doing but I honestly don't really want her to approach me anymore because I'm getting tired of this and talking to her is far from being a pleasure. I'm not necessarily asking for a solution or anything, I'm just curious to see what you guys would do in this situation

Quick Background of My Social Life:

I'm 26. I used to have extreme social anxiety many years ago but I no longer have it. I have my own social circle, friends I can travel with, crash at, and share deep things with... and asking out women from my social circle and going out with them. So I'm mostly over the "anxiety" insecurity.

I go out once a week now specifically for social circle and socializing (weekend is for dating), and I'm losing any sort of excitement or want to go out anymore.

When I had anxiety, everything I'm doing now seemed so mysterious and out of reach. It was like this mystical thing only "others" could do. After years now, it feels so cheap and unimportant. I want more.

What Still Makes Me Excited About Socializing?

That feeling of want and sense of mystery towards socializing only comes to me now when I see people who are EXTREMELY good at creative positive emotions in others, instantly developing DEEP connections and comfort, and people with ride-or-die lifetime friendships with their own space still. Also, doing new activities with friends rather than the same ones every time.

So What Am I Aiming For During My Nights Out Once A Week?

When I'm out, I want to develop the ability to efficiently vibe and create positive emotions in people and develop DEEP connections to the extent of family, meaning I want to improve my emotional expressiveness, my vibing, and ability to connect fast on a deeper level and develop comfort.

If that means I see my social circle once a month instead and do improv or acting or some other training that helps with this (and maybe even make new friends specifically from that), then I'll do it.

Basically, I want to enter any event and by the end of it, someone is crying from joy and feeling a strong connection and bond and trusts me. I don't know if I'm being delusional but I want to develop this. I want it to be to the extent that if you dropped me anywhere in the world, I want to be capable of it at a high level.

Then, from there, I want to develop a few REALLY close friendships with independent friends with shit going on in their lives who won't smother me but would literally be willing to drop everything they're doing to have my back if I was in need of it. At any AGE. I would do the same of course.

What caused this want?

Even though I'm living a "social" life, I feel like I'm stunting my growth socially in a way because it's not due to how I am or my vibe (besides not being a negative vibe) but rather by proxy of some community or shared goal, or like mutual benefit that I'm getting results. It's very calculated friendships and even the "deepness" of it feels like a mutually beneficial transaction of sorts.

I'm starting to feel like my growth is limited at this point in my current social circle. I have some friends who help to push me to keep growing as a person outside of that, but beyond that, when I see my current friends, I feel like "is this it?".

We go to the same spots: Restaurant, Karaoke, Club, Sports, Park, House Party, Roaming the Streets, Someone's Place for Cards, Bowling/Laser Tag, Festival. I meet new people, add some to my social circle, hang out with the same group of friends once every week or two. Rinse, and repeat. Maybe a bit longer depending on schedules. I don't feel like the activities we do are new/valuable either anymore.

I can make new friends and grow my circle but it feels like an automated process that requires bare minimum value in terms of how I am but rather more in terms of what I can tangibly do/offer. As in, basic introductions are easy. I vibe with some, get their info, invite them. Some will come, some will vibe, circle grows. We sometimes have a deep talk in the car or at someone's place. Life goes on.

Maybe I'm expecting too much from being social but I want more.

Any advice from older or experienced folks on this who developed this ability over time?

I find that I don’t have anything to say, and I want to save the potential awkwardness for all parties involved (especially myself). The only people who I might talk to unprovoked are people I’ve known my whole life.

How did I get to know the people in my social circle? Through high school and high school sports. I haven’t made a lasting friendship since, and I’m 26 now.

My lack of social skills tend to really show up in dating. The only two women I’ve ever dated were people I met in a psych hospital (from one isolated visit). If a potential partner doesn’t have a litany of baggage, I feel like I have no right to talk to them. Because I’ll just bore them and waste their time.

The thing is…I’m a very normal person from an outside glance. I have a stable, well-paying job. I imagine I’m average looking. And I treat others how I want to be treated. I just feel very different from others due to being on the autism spectrum, and feel that I don’t meet the general social criteria for a long term relationship.

I think women want charisma and a “man that takes charge.” I’m a quiet introvert with crippling social anxiety. And I just feel that is a very unsexy quality in this intimidating world.

I’m in therapy currently with the goal of trying to raise the low self esteem that I have. I just hope it gets better one day. I’ve felt this way about myself for more than 10 years.

—————-

TLDR: I do not have conversations with people, especially women out of fear of embarrassment. I know the advice that people “are too worried about themselves to care.” But I truly think people have pity about my awkwardness. I just want to get better

Though I've come far with being able to not hate myself constantly without makeup/being ready, the biggest obstacle yet that I have not overcome is liking the features of my face even without good angles, preparation, etc. No makeup is part of it, but I also dont want hair to be such a major factor, because not only do you never know what will happen in the future, I also want to like the entirety of my face without, for example, bangs, hair framing pieces that cover parts of it, etc. Are there any perspectives I could try that can help to see my raw, natural features and not feel shame? I would like to eventually come to the level of peace and embrace that I can like how I look not only on my best, but on all my days, no matter what could change with my hair, clothing, etc.

So to give you a brief, I've never seen my father. He was working in another country when I was born and he passed away before he could visit me. My mom was everything to me. She took care of me on her own till I was six. Then she remarried and I was moved to another city. It was really hard for me to adjust to the new surroundings and situations. First thing, I lost all of the people I knew. Second, my mom started caring less about me. Third, my feelings were neglected by my step dad and others. (Eg: when we visited my folks back in my old town, I would want to stay there and not leave with my step dad and mom. But they would force me to go and I would cry all along and they would not care about my feelings. Things like this have happened thousands of times) {But still I don't blame my mom or step dad, maybe they had to do what they did}

So yeah I grew up like this. I never shared my problems to anyone even my friends until recently. I think my past is hindering me from being confident. When I start talking to a stranger, at the back of my head I'll start thinking like what if they ask about my dad, and if I tell them what if they ask other follow up questions etc.

It hinders me from being completely in the moment. I'm constantly afraid of talking to strangers. Almost all of my contacts are people who I was bound to be friends with. Like classmates, roommates, people who approached me and became friends etc. I never put effort to make friends because I'm scared deep inside.

Does anyone have any similar experience? How do you guys think I can overcome this? Any suggestions and comments are welcome. Thank you

Do people envy confident people? I’m not arrogant as I’m satisfied with many things in my life (looks, height, money, education,etc. But it seems like when people see my confidence they try to bring me down. It got to the point where I had to ask people why they always have something mean to say when I’m just being me, and to this they replied: “just trying to keep your ego in check”. So by this I’m assuming they are envious of how I’m too confident and they have to bring me down somehow?

I have always been told by my parents that I will never succeed in life and fail in everything I do. I know they weren't serious. I think it has stuck in my head. I failed in some of my test, some personal projects I did, Me and my brother was trying to start our buissnes it failed. Everything keeps failing. Now I can't do new things for the fear I will fail. I feel stuck doing the same things. I always had this feeling of nothing will work. I feel I have tressed it back to what my mom used to say. I don't know what to do. By not doing things I want to do I losing all my confidence. I used have so much of it. Now I just feel like a failure

This is an old story, a few years ago I broke up and that hurt. I decided I wont cry over it and would instead work on myself. Suddenly there was this boost of confidence in me. I woke up early, joined a gym, studied hard, had a confident posture. Moreover I worked myself a lot. Had a nice haircut and met a lot of people, made new friends. But in the back of my mind there was always this thing of ‘I will show that person what they lost’ mentality. Eventually it wore of when I moved on. That period I was hard on myself and I liked that. I wasnt slogging, wasnt blaming myself. It was like flowstate. Things started to work my way. This was right before covid and post that I havent felt the same way ever.

How can I bring back the same confidence?

I am confident that I have low self-esteem. I don’t feel good about myself in many aspects of my life (physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually). I am jealous, judgmental, and critical of others. I feel like I have something negative to think of of every person I see or hear about. Life feels so negative in so many ways.

I haven’t been the best person or version of myself. And it’s affected how I handle life. Perhaps that’s why I feel the way I do, the feeling of guilt because I haven’t been kind or considerate. I’ve been so harsh to others.

I feel like it’s just gotten worse as the years have gone on. I want to be able to see the positive in life. I want to see the bright side of situations. I feel like I’ve spent so much time trying to be so realistic and logical that I don’t know how to just enjoy life.

I feel like I’m full of such negative thoughts. Every single thought feels so negative and harsh.

If you have any tips or perspectives, please share. Thank you.

I've built my confidence in dating by meeting people in real life rather than online, and I did so by reprogramming myself to seek discomfort, because that's what makes you grow. Are you struggling with confidence, or did you always have it inside of you?

I have recently reached the point where I admire and respect myself, and have an unshakable belief that I am good enough and worthy of love, belonging, admiration, adoration, and all things good - and there is nothing I can ever do to change that. I wanted to share what helped me get here.

Actions

• Reading several Brené Brown books was a huge first step.
• Working on myself to develop things I can respect myself for.
• understanding on a really deep level where my low self esteem comes from, and addressing it.
• Doing difficult things that proved to myself that I am not lazy and can do anything if I set my mind to it.
• focusing on objective achievements that I can't "explain away" - I can look at the statistics and recognize that I am undeniably special.
• I recorded myself saying this emphatically and listened on repeat for a while: "You are smart, talented, self-aware, emotional, curious, ambitious, dedicated, honest, kind, and loving. You are all of those things, and still make mistakes. Making mistakes does not make those things untrue. Making mistakes does not make you any less worthy of love, any less deserving of being adored, any less deserving of admiration, or not good enough. You are worthy of love. You are worthy of admiration. You are good enough." This is obviously very specific to my struggle, but I think you get the idea.

Insights

• Think about character traits you have that you would respect and admire other people for. It helps if these things are at the very core of who you are as a person as opposed to behaviors you consciously adopt, because your self respect should be based on things that don't change (or are very unlikely to change, like valuing being a good person, etc.). Then imagine meeting you. Then feel the admiration swell and really experience it. Then realize that is you. Now respect and admire yourself!
  • For me, this was that I am an (almost) altruistic giver, and that is something I really respect. I also looked at my objective accomplishments, and realized that I am very smart, empathic, and would make a great husband. Even though I have never been in a relationship, and no one has ever complimented me on my big heart, if I would meet someone with a heart as big as mine, I would adore them, so I adore myself!
• Realize that if someone doesn't like or approve of you, it is either because they don't know you well enough, or they have different values than you. If they knew you like you knew yourself, and valued the things that you do, they would think you are awesome - because you ARE! No one sees the real you except you. Consequently, your opinion about yourself is the only one that matters (because no one will ever know you well enough to judge you - only you do, and you judge yourself favorably because of everything else in this post).

I still have a critic in my head who reminds me of all of my mistakes in my life, but now it's just an annoying friend in my head who I keep telling to shut up - what they say doesn't actually bother me, they just talk too much and I'm not interested in listening. It was a thinking habit that developed over a long time, so it is probably going to take a long time to undo, but every time the critic reminds me of a mistake, I forgive myself and accept myself and move on.