When it comes to attraction, neediness is perhaps the most repulsive trait anyone can have.

There’s something inherently unappealing about someone who doesn’t have their own identity, who derives their self-worth from the acceptance from others. It’s an indication that they might be an emotional burden—that they lack fundamental depth of character, or self-esteem.

It’s essentially the concept: “The more you want people to like you, the less they will.”

However, it’s safe to say that most of us have been needy at some point with another person—especially someone we like, who was likely being cold or evasive. In those situations, the pursuit of that person’s acceptance is completely unhealthy, but it’s almost like a drug.

I’ve been there myself. For some, it’s a difficult pattern to break. Maybe they are dealing childhood trauma, or a string of abusive or toxic relationships. Along the way, they’ve developed anxious attachment patterns with their personal relationships.

We all know that it’s not good to be needy. From a logical standpoint, that’s not difficult to comprehend. However, what is difficult to identify are the common reasons for neediness, so when we engage in needy behavior, we can take steps to reverse course.

I’ve thought a lot about neediness recently—both with my own past behaviors, and patterns I’ve observed with the men I’ve coached. I believe these characteristics below are the root causes of neediness, at a surface level.

If you take steps to address these, you will rarely be needy with others.

1. A scarcity mindset- this is the belief that your dating options are truly limited, that if you meet someone special, another opportunity may never come along.

For guys who have had limited dating success, this seems realistic. However, try to view things from a pure numbers perspective. There are roughly 7 billion people on the planet—half of which are women. If you maintain your physical appearance, keep up with your social skills, and generally have your shit together, there will be a significant number of attractive women who will want to date you. A scarcity mindset is undoubtedly the primary cause of neediness with women. If you begin to view your opportunities from a perspective of abundance, focusing purely on numbers, you will be less prone to neediness.

2. Discomfort being alone. You need to fall in love with your independence if you ever want to stop being needy with others. The ability to be alone is a superpower nowadays, especially with such a heavy emphasis on relationships and dating on social media. I repeat—it is OK to be single, to not be hooking up, to not be actively dating. The times that you are alone are the times where you develop the most, where you can focus on your purpose and life’s path.

No, don’t want to become a hermit and let your social skills atrophy. Social skills are like a muscle; if you don’t use them often, they become weak. However, you can be social and still be comfortable with being alone. Seeking a relationship out of fear of being alone is a tremendous mistake that both men and women make, and it often attracts the wrong type of people. Relationships—or women—are meant to enhance your life, not be the central focus. If you begin dating someone, make sure that you are doing it out of genuine desire and interest in them, and that their presence adds to your life. The worst decisions in dating and life in general come out of desperation.

Full article on topic: https://modating.substack.com/p/the-root-causes-of-neediness

Discussion on Pickup, Radical honesty, and Nice Guy Syndrome - Honest Masculinity Podcast

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=nMj-i-2jj-4

I had joined a men's group a few years ago. It's a big, well known one where I live. I've seen several positive comments about it in this sub. I had a slightly bad experience. I know a lot of people in other "chapters" of the same men's group. From what I've heard each chapter is different. I'd like to give it a second chance, especially where I'm at now in life. Some of the parts I liked were goal settings, accountability and being around men with a growth oriented mindset who were into self development. Things I didn't like were sometimes it felt people were squabbling about technicalities, like what should the punishment be for people who showed up late. Also I would have liked more of an explanation to some of the drills, like there was one where we walked around to each other just saying "f--- you".

Should I give it a second chance? Is it good to try it for 4 months and decide if it's worth continuing? Part of the problem is "men's group" can be a bit of a generic term and really hard to know what I'm getting into without trying/paying for it.

Hollywood and other forms of popular media (love songs, stories, etc.) has programmed men to believe that women are the ultimate prize.

In a typical love story, if a man goes on a journey that bends his will, the reward is the love of a beautiful woman. This journey often involves a form of self-sacrifice from the man, who is willing to endure hardship and pain to win her over.

This is a completely unrealistic dynamic in real life. If a guy thinks of a woman unattainable, and gets nervous to even be in her presence, how is she supposed to feel? Of course it’s going to make her feel unsafe around him.

How is he supposed to protect her, if he’s scared by her?

I see guys do this all the time. They forget that the women they’re dating are human beings, not goddesses. Yes—women want to feel desired, appreciated, like the man she’s with is dedicated to her. But she also wants to feel like his equal, that in some instances he is more skilled and can lead, she wants someone she can relax and simply be goofy and have fun with.

Seeing her as a flawed human and not an ideal is crucial if you want any type of future with her. It’s a creepy, skewed dynamic when a man feels like a woman is above him, or is flawless. This may sound over the top, but men make this mistake frequently.

Yes—it’s easier said than done. When a man finds a woman physically beautiful or attractive, we are susceptible to the halo effect where she seems like a fantasy rather than a human.

If you feel yourself slipping into this mindset, keep these things in mind:

1. You hold just as much value as she does. Yes, even if she’s physically attractive. You have things you can teach her. You have interesting experiences, knowledge and insights that she hasn’t been exposed to. Be yourself unapologetically, show that there is value in being in your world, and she’ll be better off just by knowing you. It’s not always easy, but you have to believe that you are just as much of a prize as she is.
2. It’s just as important that you like her. This is one of the most powerful shifts in mindset you can make in your dating life. Instead of trying to impress her on dates (again, she isn’t a prize to won), remember that your opinion of her is just as important as what she thinks of you. Get out of the ‘dating to impress’ way of thinking. Yes, you want to put your best foot forward, but having fun should be your objective in dating, not trying to win her over without consideration of your needs.
3. Remember that beauty is common. Again, easier said than done, but critical. She might be fine, but there are literally tens of millions of women out there who look just as good, or better. Pay more attention to her other traits other than her looks. Is she interesting? Does she treat others with respect? Does she have goals and ambitions? Is she funny? Take the focus off her looks. The more you can do that and not fetishize how she looks, the more you can focus on her whole personality.
4. She is a regular person in someone’s life. It’s easy to forget that beautiful women are daughters, sisters, employees, people who run errands and pay bills. We all have common shared experiences and personal relationships. Unless she is totally disconnected from reality, she has those experiences as well. Learn about her day to day life, you’ll discover she’s not a goddess who floats through the clouds— she experiences daily frustrations and insecurities like everyone else.
5. Remove yourself from porn and other mediums that fetishize looks. These type of influences are fantasy, which remove flaws and humanity from women. If you constantly consume these things, it will undoubtedly influence your view of women—which will be driven by looks and grounded in fantasy, not reality. Be careful with the media that you consume on a daily basis.

Full article on topic: https://modating.substack.com/p/how-to-not-put-women-on-a-pedestal

There will be a period where she pulls back. How hold frame and not get rattled.

When a guy starts dating a woman he likes, it’s usually a straight forward process from his point of view.

He wants to see her more often, he reaches out to her more to plan dates—she becomes his main focus.

However, I’ve seen this scenario happen often:

Guy meets girl. They have chemistry, they like each other. They go on dates, hook up. Guy is excited, he thinks he’s found “the one”. Suddenly, she goes cold. She takes longer to respond, her answers are shorter and less enthusiastic to talk to him.

He’s utterly confused. Why is she acting this way? Things were going so well!

Well, there’s not always one definitive answer to this, there could be other factors at play. One things is certain—there WILL be a period when you begin dating where she will pull back.

That’s why if you’re dating a woman and he is attracted to you and sees you as relationship material. There’s going to be a period where she pulls back, even if it’s brief.

This will likely be after the first several dates once the emotional high of meeting someone new wears off. If she’s highly attracted to you, she’ll be likely riding that emotional wave, and in the moment, she might be all in for you. But once it dies, down, the evaluative phase will begin.

She’s going to evaluate whether she wants to invest more time with you, if you spark emotions in her, if she feels comfortable and has fun around you, if you have potential to be a good provider, if others seem to desire you.

She’s also going to observe how you react. Although she isn’t overtly thinking this, it’s a form of test to see if you become needy, rattled by it. Women want to feel safe, and if you become unglued when she tests, it will be a huge turnoff for her.

Here are some ways you can stay course when she pulls back.

1. Mirror her energy and demonstrate you are unbothered. You don’t want to be rude or salty, but simply match that energy. If her texts are short, non expressive, non enthusiastic, do the same. If she takes hours to respond, do the same. You don’t want to make it blatant, but she also needs to experience what it will be like to potentially lose you. Guys usually do the opposite and over compensate. If her texts are short, he’ll respond with a block of text with a ton of exclamation points or emojis. Or if she takes longer to text, he’ll reach out far too much. Don’t make this mistake by trying to overcompensate.

2. Focus on your purpose. No matter how much you like a woman, she should not be the center of your world. Women want to be with a man who has shit going on in his life. You should be busy and not be sitting around wondering what she’s doing—that’s low value activity. Do not put your life on hold for a woman.

3. Don’t project your romantic fantasies onto her. Remember, even if you had good chemistry, you hooked up, and you like her, don’t assume you’re going to wind up in a relationship. Take things as they come. They more you pin your hopes on one woman before you’re in an actual relationship, the more you’ll overreact and act needy. Remember, she is still somewhat of a stranger to you.

4. Keep your dating options open. This can’t be reiterated enough. Until you are in an actual relationship with someone, do not stop dating other people or entertaining your options. I see so many guys get burned when the assume they’re going to wind up with a woman, and then she cuts things off. Until you have both established that you are going to be exclusive with one another, then you are well within your rights to keep dating other women—and it’s highly encouraged. This prevents neediness, and you might meet someone who is an even better match for you.

5. Know your value and believe that you’re a prize. You have to stick to the principal of never chasing someone who isn’t giving you the same energy back. After a point, if it becomes too much like pulling teeth, you have to release that trying to convince someone to like you never works. If you have a purpose that you’re dedicated to, if you have other dating options, and if you cultivate your self perception, you’ll realize that if she isn’t putting forth the effort as well, it’s not worth it, no matter how much chemistry to had before.

6. Sometimes it’s worth it to wait out the period where she pulls back, but if it’s apparent she simply isn’t that enthusiastic about you, then move on immediately.

Full article on topic: https://modating.substack.com/p/when-she-goes-cold

As a recovering Nice Guy, I try to read or listen to the audio version of Robert Glover’s No More Mr. Nice Guy at least a couple times a year. If you’re a former Nice Guy yourself, then you know that the inner Nice Guy never fully goes away. It’s a continual process.

One of my favorite chapters in the book covers the Nice Guy’s defining characteristics—hiding who he is so people will like him:

Teflon Men

“As much as Nice Guys try to look good and get people to like them, the above defenses keep people at arm’s length. Like most Nice Guy patterns, these unconscious behaviors actually accomplish the opposite of what the Nice Guy craves. While deserving love and connection, his behaviors serve as an invisible force field that keeps people from being able to be close to him”

“Nice Guys have a difficult time comprehending that in general”

“PEOPLE ARE NOT DRAWN TO PERFECTION IN OTHERS.”

“Teflon men work so hard to be smooth, nothing can stick to them. Unfortunately, this Teflon coating also makes it difficult for people to get closer.”

“IT’S ACTUALLY A PERSON’S ROUGH EDGES AND HUMAN IMPERFECTIONS THAT GIVE OTHERS SOMETHING TO CONNECT WITH.”

I see this a lot.

Interesting and accomplished men of character still have trouble in their dating lives with being open completely with who they are.

This is likely because at some point in their lives, it was reiterated to them at a fundamental level that they AREN’T GOOD ENOUGH AS THEY ARE. In order to stay safe and accepted, they’ve adopted behaviors to keep others from seeing their true selves, which they’ve come to believe is bad.

Gaining approval from women is a hallmark behavior of the Nice Guy. At some level, a woman’s disapproval associated with feeling unsafe.

As Dr. Glover points out, as boys growing up, we’re constantly seeking the approval of female authority figures—our mothers, teachers, etc.

This is what I’ve learned in my personal experience:

1. Don’t expect showing vulnerability to be comfortable. It’s an extremely uncomfortable act. Showing others parts of ourselves that may lead to embarrassment or rejection can be terrifying. It takes bravery and strength to be vulnerable, and accept the consequences.

2. In your dating life you have to be absolutely dedicated to the concept of emotional freedom. Meaning— you have to place having the freedom to be yourself completely above a woman’s approval. Men and women alike fall into this trap; they pretend to be someone they’re not in the early stages of dating, wind up in a relationship under false pretense, and are stuck in an emotional prison because they are pretending to be someone they’re not.

3. Stop putting the women you date on a pedestal. You have to adopt the mindset that you are just a valuable as she is. The truth is, you are.

4. Maintain your self perception and narrative. Your inner dialogue about yourself needs to be positive, rather than defaulting to negativity. For example, instead of “I’m so awkward around strangers” say instead “Yeah, I might be a little awkward around strangers, but so are a lot of people. I take time to get to know others. Once I do, they find out that I’m interesting and genuine.” Take a perceived “flaw” about yourself and always put a positive spin on it.

Full article: https://modating.substack.com/p/showing-strength-through-vulnerability

I am so sick of my life, I am 25 years, I live in Romania and I finished history college last summer to become an archaeologist but finding work is very difficult. I tried finding a job at different museums during my college years but I failed my entrance exams due to my studies. After I graduated I tried finding a normal job where I can work 8 hours from morning till noon but the jobs require me to work 10 hours or even night shifts. My parents let me stay with them for free which I am very grateful but I don't want to depend on them financially forever. All I ever want is to make something of my life and not waste it but I feel the universe is against me.

When you think of the characteristics of an attractive man, looks, status, money are the things that typically come to mind.

Although those are undoubtedly important, lust (or thirstiness for sex) isn’t really considered. However, man’s ability to control his lust (not his sexuality) is crucial in how he is perceived by women.

P*rn has become so omnipresent in our society, that it’s considered abnormal for men not to use it.

Instagram and Onlyf*ns are other examples of formats that encourage men to be lustful and place attractive women on a pedestal where their looks are idealized.

They are an object of fantasy, rather than human beings with emotions and flaws. Being in this lustful frame is a dangerous spot to be in—it was also kills your attractiveness.

This has been debated, but I believe woman are particularly attuned when guys are lusting after them.

This is important because being lustful is state of concealment and shame—it’s almost an adolescent state. Teenage boys are lustful, fully mature men of status don’t allow their desires to control them.

As much as anyone tries, studies have shown that a person’s internal state of mind will reveal itself in non verbal ways, such as posture, tension or movement of the eyes, etc.

Keep in mind, this is different from being sexual. Men should not repress their sexual nature and desire. This is a difficult concept to communicate. In my book, The Foundation: A Blueprint for Becoming an Authentically Attractive Man, a distinction is made between the two:

Sexual: is a state where your sexual energy is expressed in a way that attracts women and draws them into your personal orbit. They feel desired, yet safe, feminine, and comfortable, and want to open themselves emotionally.

Lustful/Thirsty: Is a needy, desperate state where sexual energy is conveyed in a way where the woman is simply a means to project your need to have sex, she is essentially a means to an end without humanity. Of course, this state makes women feel unsafe and uneasy, because they can feel a lack of control of a man’s emotions. In her view, that makes him a threat, regardless if he’s going to act on it or not.

This isn’t an argument to suppress yourself, and cut yourself off from any thoughts of desire for women. However, the difference between effectively expressed sexual energy is control. Lustfulness is a lack of control.

There isn’t an easy answer for ways to always stay out a lustful frame. As men, it WILL happen. Some ways to stay in control and channel your energy in an attractive way

• Treat all people the same. Don’t show extra favoritism or attention to woman just because she’s physically attractive. Engage with all people, be interested in their story. Having a generally social vibe with all people will help immensely with confidence when you actually do interact with attractive women.
• Stay away from p*rn, Onlyf*ns, or try to interact (DM) Instagram thirst trap models. All of these are low value interactions where women’s looks to put on a pedestal and the primary component of their value. Attractive guys who are in control can recognize a beautiful woman, but not get paralyzed by her beauty because he sees her as a normal person first, not a mythical goddess or celebrity. Remember, beauty is common.
• Don’t give mental space to every single moderately attractive woman you encounter. You have to have a high value frame where you don’t desire every single attractive woman you see. You have to be of the mindset that you have high standards, and it takes more than decent looks to make you take notice of someone.

All of these habits aren’t easy to implement in the beginning, but it’s a matter of re-wiring your behavior when you encounter them. When you see an attractive woman, pause. Remind yourself she is a person with a family, who likely does errands and chores, who has (gasp*) bodily functions.

Once you begin to deprogram yourself slowly, your overall energy vibe will be more appealing, and you’ll notice more people—not just women—will be drawn to you.

Full article on topic: https://modating.substack.com/p/being-thirsty-kills-your-attractiveness

Instant gratification is so tempting. That immediate satisfaction from things like sugary foods, video games, netflix, porn, drugs, feels fantastic. But let's face it, it often leads to regret and terrible long-term consequences.

You've probably heard that those who prioritize delayed gratification tend to be more successful, healthier, and happier overall. But how do they do it? And more importantly, how can you do it too?

Let's dive into a concept called hyperbolic discounting. Essentially, it's our tendency to favor smaller, immediate rewards over larger, delayed rewards. Sound familiar? It's like our brains are wired to go for the quick fix.

But here's the kicker: this preference made sense in the past when life was short and unpredictable. But times have changed, and clinging to instant gratification can seriously mess with our quality of life, health, and finances.

So why do we keep falling for it? Neuroimaging studies suggest that when we think about our future selves, our brains treat them like strangers. So naturally, we don't care about those strangers, and we prioritize making our present selves happy over the well-being of our future selves. Of course, that leads to terrible consequences.

But fear not! I've been there, and I've found a way out. It starts with shifting our mindset and emotions around instant versus delayed gratification.

Here are 4 simple steps to hack your future.

1. Visualize Your Future Self. Regularly picture yourself in the future—1 year, 5 years, 15 years down the line. What do you look like? How do you feel? By connecting with this future version of yourself, you'll realize that person is not a stranger but you. And the choices you make today shape who you become tomorrow.
2. Use Emotional Reframing. Create strong emotional labels for your choices of instant and delayed gratification. Instant gratification is dumb, ineffective, it takes away your control, strength, future, and your self-respect. Remind yourself of the consequences of each choice. Instant gratification may feel good now, but it's short-sighted. Delayed gratification is the opposite. It is smart, effective, gives your control, strength, an awesome future, and your own self-respect. It sets you up for long-term success and happiness. Read it out loud and repeat it frequently. Once you have clear emotional labels, it is way easier to default to delayed gratification.
3. Use Cognitive Reframing. Use rational arguments to reinforce the benefits of delayed gratification. Instant gratification is not about having something now or giving it away. It is about having something small instead of having something large. And who wants to have something small? :) Understand that investing in your future self pays off in the present too, boosting dopamine levels and overall well-being. Once you start making choices for your future, you will become more optimistic right now, because your future will be awesome!
4. Use Urge Surfing to Break Bad Habits. Automatic choices often stem from habits. Practice urge surfing—pause between stimulus and response to observe your desires without acting on them immediately. Don't fight them, say to yourself that you will have this instant gratification, but first , you'll just take 10 seconds and watch your cravings. Then turn it to 30 seconds and later on few minutes. Over time, this will weaken the urge for instant gratification. You will no longer see this as irresistible or even desirable. You'll remember that instant gratification is just dumb and ineffective.

Embracing delayed gratification isn't easy, so you might fail at first, but once you apply these steps you will be getting consistently better at this. Prioritizing your long-term goals over fleeting pleasures will deliver massive positive impacts. So go ahead, take control of your future, and watch your life transform for the better!

To learn more about this, including more details and examples for each actionable point, I highly recommend a video on this topic here.

And if you're hungry for more insights on managing your dopamine system, living your best life, check out the paradox of pleasure as well.

Thanks for reading, and here's to a future filled with purpose, success, and happiness!

Are you enamored with the actual person, or just the IDEA of them? You might just be projecting your romantic hopes and fantasies onto them.

• One of the most critical mistakes guys make in dating is that they put certain women on a pedestal. In their eyes, she’s no longer a human being with flaws, but a fantasy where she can do no wrong. This is not only unfair to the woman, but to the guy as well.

• This is real life, not Hollywood. Remember that she is a person too, not a gateway to a romantic life you’ve always dreamed of. Get to know her, know your worth as well. The more you put someone on a pedestal above you, the less attractive you are

Do you have a scarcity mindset? Are you simply worried you won’t find anyone else?

• Guys who don’t have options in the dating world tend to fixate on one woman. This scenario is somewhat related to #1. If a guy has been lonely for a while, or he hasn’t had much dating success in the past, and a woman shows kindness or affection towards him, he views her as his “one shot”.

• Don’t make this mistake. This is a needy mindset, which is illogical, given how many women there are in the world. Work on getting more dating experience, build your confidence, understand that the world is open if you put yourself out there

The old adage—are you confusing love and lust? Be wary of the halo effect with those we find attractive.

• When a woman is physically attractive, it’s often extremely difficult to not let that influence our decisions about her. I’ve been there myself—it’s tough. Men are visual. Physical attraction is what drives us to want to get to know her better.

• I still hear a lot of guys explain how when they saw a woman, they instantly knew “she was the one” or experienced love at first sight. Nope. What they experienced was a high level of physical attraction.

• Loving someone is more that thinking they’re good looking —it’s friendship, respecting and liking them inherently as a person, wanting to help and support them. Keep this in mind if you’re highly attracted to someone in the beginning, but still haven’t gotten to know them.

Are you craving validation due to loneliness? If we derive our self-worth from others, we often latch onto them

• If you don’t have a defined sense of self identity, you will base your identity around acceptance from others—particularly women. This need for validation and acceptance can feel like love, be cautious.

Are you drawn to them because they are distant or hot/cold?

• Drama does not equal passion. Women do not need to be volatile to be independent and strong. Hot and cold behavior doesn’t mean they are free-spirited. Don’t romanticize toxic/avoidant behavior. When someone makes us feel powerful negative and positive emotions, it can be intoxicating, but is still terrible for us regardless.

Full article on topic: https://modating.substack.com/p/do-you-fall-in-love-too-easily

Note: This is complex topic, and comes through experience-- a blog post won't have all the answers, but these are my observations.

I see a lot of guys struggle with feeling masculine, or developing a sense of their masculine frame.

There’s no simple answer to this, especially when every man’s definition of masculinity and how they feel masculine is different. Western society has essentially conditioned men to repress our inherent strength, to cave ourselves in to not make others uncomfortable or threatened by our internal power.

So, what’s to be done?

Here are some essential habits and mindsets to adopt if you feel you need to strengthen your masculine frame.

Become stronger physically, and push yourself. This may seem like basic advice, but going to the gym and lifting is life-changing At this point, the link between lifting/heavy resistance training and improved mental health can’t be denied

The mind-body connection can’t be understated. You have to maintain your body to properly maintain your mind.

2. Make your purpose and passions the center of your life. If you don’t know what your purpose is, then that’s something that can’t be answered in a blog post. It requires self-reflection. You likely know what it is already—it’s the one thing that you think about most throughout the day (no, not women). The thing that gives you an emotional high thinking about it. Just daydreaming isn’t enough though, you have to take action

3. Don’t let your actions be controlled by emotions. Humans are emotional creatures. It’s a foolish expectation that men should deny or suppress their emotions. You can still recognize, understand, and feel all your emotions, yet still not allow your actions to momentary reactions to emotions. The strongest, most dangerous men in the room are often the most grounded, while the weak, loud, and aggressive men are the weakest. Do your best to always stay grounded emotionally.

4. Have a defined sense of self. This stems from having a purpose. It’s what you stand for, how you expect to be treated, how you expect to treat others, what you’re willing to sacrifice for, what you’re not. Without a defined sense of self, you will look to others for fulfillment.

5. Embrace doing difficult things on a regular basis. Someone asked me what I thought the most important factor in developing self confidence is; and I told them it comes from doing hard things consistently that often make you very uncomfortable and coming out on the other end, and repeat.

6. Take any leadership role you can, doesn’t matter how small. Doesn’t matter if you organize your intramural team’s schedule, or your team’s weekly call at work, or coach a team, find some role in your life where others rely on you. Being a leader demonstrates competency, tests your comfort, and allows you to be in a protective role, all crucial for your masculine identity.

Full article on topic, additional recommendations for building frame: https://modating.substack.com/p/fundamentals-developing-masculine

Hey guys, I'm new to YouTube, but I shared my journey and how I went from skinny to muscular. I hope this helps anyone who is looking for it. Let me know what I can do better as well. I would love to hear feedback.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xuwVd0X6_hc&ab_channel=JaiMahan

This is a high level summary of my book I released earlier this year. It is a men’s dating advice and self improvement book, in the same vein as Models by Mark Manson.

Part 1 - Developing Inner Game: Independence, Charisma, Resilience and Growth

Independence

Independence is the essential element of a powerful, dynamic masculinity. This sense of independence is driven by purpose. Purpose is the one thing that defines you, which you feel incomplete without. Purpose doesn’t include advancing in your career or romantic relationships.

Another key component of independence is embracing the concept that you are on your own. Only you truly understand your desires and ambitions. Friends and family don’t always want what’s best for you; even if they do, they may have misguided thoughts about what YOU want.

Charisma

Charisma isn’t as much about how people feel about you, but rather how you make them feel about themselves. From the Charisma Myth by Olivia Fox Cabane, the elements of charisma are: Power, Presence, and Warmth.

Some general points on charisma:

• Your thoughts define you
• Learn to be an engaged, present listener
• Become a student of non-verbal communication and body language

Resilience and Growth

Gratitude is the cornerstone of resilience. Despite any problem you have, understand relative suffering, that there are those out there who are truly suffering.

The false threshold- the belief that life will be easy once you reach a certain milestone. This is a false belief. There will always be difficulty, and your development as person never ends.

Visualization and self-talk are crucial components of growth. Your mind has difficulty distinguishing reality from your inner dialogue and imagination. If your inner narrative is consistently negative, it WILL be your reality.

Part 2- Understanding Attraction

1. Keep it simple. There isn’t some mystery to being fundamentally attractive. 90% is maintaining your health, fitness, grooming, having decent social skills, and having your life together

2. Self limiting beliefs. Self limiting beliefs that hold men back:

• Leagues
• Alpha Male bullshit
• The One- there’s “one” person out there

3. High value characteristics:

• Having respectful, clearly defined boundaries
• Being able to handle rejection gracefully
• Being truly busy and not always available
• Being what you want to attract and more

4. The world is truly abundant in terms of dating opportunities. There are 7 billion people on the planet. Just purely by the numbers, even if .01 of the women on earth found you attractive, you still wouldn’t have the time or resources to date them all

Tips for cold approach:

• Be outcome dependent, think of it as an adventure

• Smile

• Don’t be timid with your voice

• Don’t drag the conversation along

Tips for online dating:

• Online dating is nothing more than a tool and fun social experiment, don’t get all in your feelings about it

• EVERYONE gets ghosted, flaked, used for attention, NOT just you

• Pictures are the most important element. Only use high-resolution photos, limit selfies. Be somewhat irreverent and polarizing in your profile

Exercises:

The final chapter is more than 10 exercises which out the concepts into practice.

Conclusion:

You have to undergo high levels of discomfort , work and sacrifice. Most modern men want things like a beautiful girlfriend but refuse to get outside of their comfort zone and put in the work.

Don’t forget to be patient with yourself and HAVE FUN. By simply getting out of your head a little, things will naturally fall into place. It’s incredibly important that we lift each other up as men and celebrate each other’s victories.

So I’m 23, I work in a warehouse/distribution center. I do maintenance on the conveyor system/lines to keep everything operational. I enjoy the work I do, Ive grown to like the hands on stuff, but I’m making $18.50. (I live in NC, minimum wage being $7.25) I am supposed to be getting a raise soon but it probably won’t be very significant. I’m not in school or anything of that sort I just go to work, come home, usually hop on a video game, sleep, then repeat. I’d like to find better jobs, paths, etc. and I don’t mind working at all, but I hate change and especially hate having to meet new people. I’m fairly introverted. I wouldn’t mind some sort of online work, or work from home job/career but I have no idea what to do or where to start. Trying to keep it short so I’ll leave it there

(Warning, this post may be a bit graphic)

I recently turned 22 and just realized the extent at which I'm fucking up my life. My bad habits are so extreme, they're often immobilizing. Just last night, I spent over $48 on a food binge that left me feeling disgusting. What's even worse is the money was provided by my mom so I could pay off some of my bills as I am a student. And normally, it's not even that bad. Usually, I never spend that much in one go, but when I smoke weed, I almost lose all self control. I smoked around 10ish, ordered the food, then spent 2 hours slowly eating all of it when I should've just gone to bed. Overall, I've spent thousands of dollars towards this behavior. Whether that be on weed or junk food. It's gotten so bad, that I'm over $2,000 in debt on my credit cards and most of it was for food.

But that's not all. When I smoke, everything gets thrown out the window. Sometimes I can power through and it's not that hard, but when I give into one thing, everything tends to go with it. My values, my morals, my ability to connect with others, everything. I PMO excessively, my diet and hygiene get worse, and I neglect my school work and relationships. Then I spend the next day trying to make up for it by rigourosly brushing my teeth, violently scrubbing my body in the shower, and excessively working out. Hell, before I smoked last night I acknowledged just how well I was doing as of lately. I went through a period of four days (I know, not a lot) where I was disciplined and productive. I was healthily working out and eating right, not PMOing, and actively limiting my spending. I also noted how much I'd rather be disciplined and thought about how better it felt to be engaging in good hobbies rather than bad habits. I even planned on devising a plan to start job hunting and tackle my financial debt for good, which I had found out hours before that it exceeded more than $4,000 than what I had originally thought (spread over medical bills, utilities, debt collection, and student loans). But when I smoke, everything changes. It becomes easier to ignore things like my health and financial situation and I'd rather just engage in destructive behaviors that leave me feeling empty when I'm sober.

What's even worse is I know why I am doing this. It's a learned behavior I picked up in childhood. Most of my family have some sort of food, alcohol, or drug addiction and use it means to escape their problems and self medicate as we have a notorius history of mental health issues (myself included). Despite this, I remember recognizing as a kid that these behaviors were bad and vowing to myself to never get caught up in this kind of lifestyle. But after experiencing abuse and severe neglect at a young age, I too became a victim of them. Overall, I've been struggling with these outlets since I was 11, but it wasn't until around the time I turned 17 when I began smoking and these behaviors began to exasperate. Ever since, my time, money, and energy as been split 50/50. One half, in an attempt at improving myself and the other, hitting rock bottom.

To top it off, I've seen the effect these habits have on my family from those that suffer from them. The obesity, health problems, debt accrued, everything. However, after a recent situation with my mom, I began to realize something. No matter how neglectful and traumatic my childhood was, my family would never wish for me to suffer and go down the same path as them. The thought alone made me cry as I never wished to get into these things in the first place.

I plan on getting back on the horse (as I have many times before) and trying again, but I can't help but feel I'm wasting my youth and formative years by destroying myself. I'm in therapy and that helps a bit, but I know ultimatley my lifestyle and attitude towards myself is dependent on me being concious about my choices. I've gone months, even a year where I'm not engaging in these behaviors and I feel great. Now I can't even last a few days to a week until I start them back up again. I just can't seem to break the cycle that was set out before me. Can I turn my life around before it's too late?

We can't buy more time but we can minimize how much time we waste. Do so all starts with examining what we do on a daily basis.

Here are some habits you probably didn't are wasting your precious time:

1. Living in clutterness
2. Pursuing meaningless relationships
3. Using your phone in the bathroom
4. Sleeping in
5. Refusing to take action
6. Mindless consumption

For more details on this list, read here.

Looking to improve my life

On paper, I should have a good life. Financially, Im well within the top 1 percent of humanity. Im in elite shape. No major health problems. 29 years old. However, for the past couple of months I ve felt insanely depressed and stagnated.

My issues:

Job/Business/Financial: While my current job pays north of 300k per year, I cant imagine working in corporate America for even another 5 years. I hate doing useless tasks and being a yes man to the person who is above me. I busted my ass on multiple failed side hustles the past 3 years (1 year and 1.5 years of work). The failures are taking a toll on me. I spend more time on the side hustles than actual work. Just not sure how many more failures I can take. I want out and want to run a business, but so far it hasnt worked.

The issue is I keep pushing my "saved up money" quitting number higher and higher. I had a negative net worth after graduating college. It took me forever just to save 100k and pay off loans. Then money started pouring in though higher income. My savings goals kept increasing. It was 300k, then 400k, then 500k, and so on. Every time I hit the goal, I move it up another 100k. The issue is while this job sucks, I can legitimately retire permanently in 5 years if I push through. Retirement at 35 would be awesome from a business perspective. But I am also trading current time to start a business and my youth for potential freedom later on. Retirement would allow me to focus solely on business ventures without having to worry about income. Unsure what to do on this one. Would rate this 5/10

My social life: It kind of sucks. Pre pandemic, I lived in a different area (urban area in different state surrounded by people my age) and had a moderately healthy social life. After, it tumbled and never recovered. It doesnt bother me 90% of the time, but sometimes I wish I had more friends in my area where I live. Some people to lean on other than my wife. My wife is 10 years older than me and most of her friends are older than her. The area we live is also older (40-60 seems avg age). But this area just seems to be lacking. It doesnt help that Im fully remote and now live in the suburbs. Im also a step dad that is younger than all the parents by at least 10 years, so I always feel like an odd man out on that one. I cannot currently go into an office for my work situation. And going into an office negatively effects my other business aspirations. I also believe that lack of friends may be having a negative impact on my relationship with my wife. Unsure where to make friends as an adult. I talk to about 5 "friends" regularly, but they are all scattered across the country (2 live in my state but are an hour plus drive), so we dont actually meet up in person anymore - Do I start going to social gyms? Focus on building network for my business Im working on? Do I return to coaching sports which would cause a hit to either my finances or business development? Return to an office sacrificing current salary and otherwise great setup? Any advice here would be helpful. Would rate this 2/10.

Family: Luckily, I have had much stronger family ties with siblings and parents since the pandemic. Most live within 45 minutes drive. Would rate this 6/10

Relationship: While I love my wife, we have issues. She is 15 years older. My wife make 2.5 million a year. The income disparity causes a lot of issues. Its odd because for my age, I make more than everyone i know. For her group of people and her age, Im basically poor. Her job also requires a lot of travel, which we fight over. Further, we also have fights over how involved her ex husband should be.

She is also way more social than me and has 100x more friends than myself. Again, this isnt a major issue most of the time, but I wonder if their is some resentment on her part that she "beats" me in these areas. She also has 3 kids from a previous marriage. Generally, I dont mind the situation, but it does sometimes cause resentment on my part Would rate this 4/10

Health: No known issues and on paper, healthier than 99 percent of population Would rate this 8/10

So there it is. Im looking to primarily improve in my business/financial/Job and social spaces. I think these would tangentially improve my relationship issues, which is why that one is not a focus for the time being. Anyone who has gone through similar things, please chime in. How would you suggest improving on these?