Welcome to r/SelfImprovement

Until we become aware of something, we'll unknowingly remain in bondage to our response to it.

When I first met my girlfriend, Rebekah, I often mistreated her. She was younger than me and had an outspoken, clingy innocence about her that I mistook for stupidity. She was homeschooled, didn't have a lot of real world experience and was, in my ignorant opinion, naive. But she was successful. Like, way more successful than I had ever been.

I had been in construction most of my life and was used to working long, laborious hours for little weekly reward. She worked a fraction of the hours I put in every week, was self-employed and made 5 times as much as me. I was jealous and baffled at the same time.

We've been together for over four years now and hindsight has wiped the fog off my reflections of arrogant past actions. My frustration and jealousy towards her lied not so much in the shadow of my personal achievements when compared to hers, but in the misunderstanding of how effortlessly she accomplished her achievements. I failed to see that she had found her path and was walking it.

Work wasn't work for her. Every morning she got up and lived in the moment of pursuing her passion. She knew who she was and gracefully fulfilled it. I didn't understand the origin of my resentment towards her for a long time and in my frustration I would belittle her. I did this because I was insecure. I didn't understand the difference between exhibiting an outward appearance of success and fulfilling your purpose. Character unconfidence was the culprit that caused me blindly wanting possession of what she had and emulating who she was.

She was self-aware, secure and confident and I was so blind to my own insecurities I found fault in her to balance my inadequacies.

Once I became aware of this I was able to understand myself, forgive myself and ask her for forgiveness. This is what self-awareness is all about. That awareness led to setting an intention to pursue a career that resonates with my talents.

Self-awareness is accomplished by understanding why we do the things we do and think the way we think. Without self-awareness we'll unknowingly remain in a cycle of self-harm and self-sabotage and anger that accompanies unfulfillment of purpose.

The unfortunate truth about my ordeal was that I first had to be mindless and unaware and suffer the consequences of recidivistic behaviors to learn what needed to be fixed. I was stuck in an unforgiving cycle of harmful responses to others until I became willing to take a deeper look at myself.

Mindfulness led me to understanding myself, which led to me forgiving myself, which resulted in self-acceptance. The more I become accepting of every aspect of my character, I'm finding myself becoming indifferent towards the opinions of others and my previous battle with negative self-image. This has been leading me to find fulfillment in helping others according to my life's experience and natural gifts.

That's not work, that's purpose.

Thinking of Quitting Call Center Job After 3 Months

Hey guys, so I was unemployed for 3 years and a half because my anxiety and agoraphobia was really bad. I started a Remote Call Center Job 3 months ago because someone at an agoraphobia support group said their company was hiring. After having a gap of 3 years I decided to go with it. Beforehand I had obtained my BA in Political Science and used to work as a Legal Assistant in Nonprofit Lawfirm.

Shortly after being hired I found out that the company was dysfunctional. They were short staffed. They often failed to provide their customers Medical Services they offered. I have struggles with Health Anxiety since I was 16 and I feel that talking to angry people who are sick is making me feel unwell and making me relapse into my old thinking patterns that I am going to contract an illness like Diabetes, Heart Disease, Cancer, Blindness, etc.

I am grateful that this job gave me the chance, but I find that being payed 14.00 to deal with clients they shafted is taking an emotional toll.

Should I quit this job without having anything else lined up? My agoraphobia only limits me to remote work. I've been thinking of signing up with Flex Jobs. Since a lot of the jobs on LinkedIn are not truly Remote. They say they're remote, but they're hybrid and restricted to locals.

TLDR: I used to get into my flow state and have interests but my depression stops all my enjoyment and interest in things. Any tips to get through this?

I used to be really sporty and varied in hobbies, that could allow me to go into my flow state. My core hobbies were running, going to the gym, reading philosophy and volunteering locally. I got so much enjoyment from it, these things were never a chore, and fuelled my social life as well.

Since then, a lot has happened and my mental health has been hugely impacted. My depression and anxiety just reduces my motivation so much, and whenever I do a hobbie, it’s because I should and it will improve my MH.

I’ve tried so much: running, gym, blogging, cooking, baking, painting, reading, flower arranging, sewing, embroidery, yoga… the list goes on and no matter what I do, I can’t get anything to stick. It always feels like a chore.

It’s clear the activity isn’t the problem, it’s me. I want to improve my wellbeing and sense of self but I don’t know how to be interested in anything. How can I help this? Does anyone have any tips? Please help!

You! Yes you...you are totally awesome. I know life's hard but that's just how it is. At the end of the day it's yours and you are the only person who can get yourself out of that rut. There will be setbacks of course. But hey...progress is not always linear. You have to take those turns and finally you'll get there. You are a survivor, okay? You are the best. You CAN do this. It's time to take back control, okay? Let's goo..!! Hugs to you all. I love ya.

People I just met, friends I've had for forever, and even past partners have all complimented me by saying I'm "pure." However, I regularly curse, welcome filthy conversation, and my humor can be pretty dark. I'm just confused as to what the compliment means? Are they just saying I'm a warm person?

For me, comparison has been a HUGE factor in my lack of happiness. So much so it has caused major issues in my family. I have anger spouts and I am a control freak. I am greedy with money and careers and take my self value in that.

I was raised by Asian parents and if you know anything about Asian culture, it’s all about comparison. There’s even a saying “if you don’t compare if you don’t know. If you compare, you’re scared shitless”. Not direct translation but close enough. It’s all about well that kid got into Ivy League school or that dudes son is working at Wall Street or that girl is a successful surgeon, etc.

I compare where I am in my career with others around my age and I’m not where I’m at. I compare myself with others on finances and I’m not where I’m at. And this fucking drains my happiness.

But how do I change that? I need to be motivated and see others as a way to help me see where I can improve on but at the same time it’s gone so far and it’s hurting me.

Picked up a habit of smoking around the age of 23 after being completely sober my entire life. Smoked nearly every day for 2 1/2 years occasionally taking breaks for a couple of days or when I was on vacation. Recently kicked the habit after proposing to my beautiful girlfriend of 9 years. She hated the fact that I smoked and weed didn’t feel the same anymore. Smoking weed became a chore and all it did was make me anxious and fidgety. After taking a good look in the mirror I dropped weed cold turkey and the first couple of days were hellish. Now after 4 months I just want to say I feel absolutely amazing. First thing I noticed was my mental clarity and memory were better than they’d been for a minute. Brain fog is completely gone and I find myself enjoying the smaller things in life again. I will say that weed definitely helped me find peace in a really dark time in my life but after so much abuse I’d desensitized myself from reality. To anyone thinking of quitting or taking a T-break, I highly encourage it to ground and assess the way you use Marijuana and if it’s really benefiting you.

I'm going to driving school because a good bricklayer has to be on time to lay those bricks.

Seriously, does anyone here know anything useful?

I'm European, not American.

From 2015 - 2023 (15 to 23 years old respectively), i made A LOT of mistakes, from doing and saying silly/stupid shit to not accomplishing as much as should have, to “wasting” my time in college, to say impulsive things to my friends (like i think i’m gay, i think I’m depressed, i think i have some disability, i think etc), last year was one of the worst years of my life where i made a lot of bad and impulsive decisions, and some of those affected my friends and people that i care about.

This year on the other hand has been a really good and productive year, where I matured a lot, but those past mistakes still haunt me, it’s like i was being mind controlled throughout my life and only now broke loose and i keep thinking “why did i said that ?”, “why didn’t I do something about it ?”, “why were you so useless ?”

I try to talk myself out of those ideas, that growing up and learning from ones mistakes are a part of life of that despite all of that my friends still like me, but the feeling never leaves, it stays dormant at the back of my mind and will appear when I’m feeling the most exhausting, I really wish with all my might that i could have erased those past 6 years and had started it all over again.

I have this weird twitch where if a trigger thought pops into my head I will tense up or judder. I practice mindfulness and am good at ignoring the meaning behind thoughts. But I still get this weird sudden twitch when a thought does get through. Like a jump-scare kind of… Imagine you were waiting for a balloon to pop and trying to stay deadly still when it pops. That’s how I feel a lot of the time… even though the thoughts themselves don’t bother my mood.

Here’s an example. If I were sat in the barbers and I didn’t have much to keep my mind occupied, I might think something like “If the person singing on the radio says “cat” then I will twitch. I do have ocd but I’ve found ways to manage it. But this is something that feels so stupid and can’t seem to shake it off(no pun intended).

Anyone else deal/dealt with anything like this? Any tips or practices I can try would be very welcome and appreciated!

What I found out till this point in life is that you need to define the problem EXACTLY in order to solve it. Most of the people's problems, in my opinion, are related to not knowing exactly what they're dealing with.

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Type how to be confident on Google - 556.000.000 results
Get on Youtube - thousands of videos...

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There is hunger, there is a need for people to BE and FEEL confident. I get that.

To go deeper, in each and every one of us there is the need for security.

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How do you become more confident?

and I answer: In what area of life would you like to become more confident?

That's the 🔑 - in which specific area of your life would you like to be more confident?

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If we treat being confident as something very abstract, not tangible and not being able to measure it, then it is hard, if not impossible to be/become confident.

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Interestingly enough, the answer we might find also on Google - in the search bar we get:

how to be confident in yourself
how to be confident in an interview
how to be confident while speaking
how to be confident in school
how to be confident in public

etc.

What I want to emphasize is that you need to pick an area of your life where you want to work on, to get more confidence. You can't be confident just like that, you cannot feel confident without something... You need to know what you want exactly and then get to work.

For example, how to be confident while speaking - you cannot become a good speaker overnight, reading books and watching youtube videos. You need a plan: learn pronunciation, get to Toastmasters' Class, talk to stranger on the street, start a small niched Youtube channel, try to get invited into speaking gigs and finally become a paid speaker.

Does it make sense? You are becoming confident in speaking when you do the work... in this case... speaking and speaking a lot. Think of it like going to the gym.

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The examples are endless.

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It's the same with girls, with writing, with sports, with cooking, with business. The more you do something, the more you push yourself, the better you get at it and THE MORE CONFIDENT YOU BECOME.

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Now, reading through Reddit, I noticed this pattern: I don't feel confident due to X problem, Y physical appearance, you name it. Therefore, I don't feel confident AT ALL, - or, to put it another way, I am not good at all because of a small setback in my life*!*

DEAD WRONG!

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Let me tell you a quick story. I was a friend's house one day, chatting and goofing around, when his flatmate entered the room. We were talking about anxiety. The guy who entered the room quickly got into the conversation. We were debating and talking, when my friend said to that guy: It is like you when you don't want to go by bus because everyone is looking at you. His answer was: Yea I know man, I am still struggling with that.

At that precise moment, I was thinking: WHAT THE F? HOW THE F CAN YOU GET ANXIOUS BY RIDING THE BUS TO WORK? DO PEOPLE LIKE THAT EVEN EXIST?

Yes, they do exist.

What I realized then was that I was taking myself for granted: being an extrovert, I never felt anxious when I was going by bus. I never questioned that. Though, for some could be an awful struggle.

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What I want to point out is that, at the moment you are reading this, there are parts in your life where you have confidence - but you don't notice them because you take them for granted.

There are things in life where we are confident enough. There are answers right in front of us, but we do not see them - it is because we are much sensitive to what we don't have, rather than what we have...

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The biggest issue is that we often fall into the trap of black and white thinking (fellow perfectionists, you know what I am talking about). We think that if we aren't confident in speaking in public, then we are NOT CONFIDENT at ALL throughout our ALL DIMENSIONS of our LIVES!!!!

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When you feel down, I want you to think about this. Life is like a pizza, made of different slices and different flavors. The slices are: mental health, physical health, relationships, family, friend, free time, environment, job, hobbies. You might not be confident in one area or two, but you have definitely done something in other areas that you are proud of.

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It doesn't matter if it's 10 pushups, talking to a new girl or dieting for 4 days - it is your own win and that's what matters most!

This is why they say to define your own terms of success.

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Beware of black and white mentality! Things are not as awful as we make them seem.

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thank yo for your time! all the best!

Ok so... idk how to start. I wanna die lmao(not funny, I'm nervous).

All my life I've been a failure. From being an overprotected child, to isolation and rejection in highschool, to a lack of personality due to that, to bad grades, mental health issues, drug abuse, unemployement, derealization, being a burden to my family. But I still tried stuff. I used to be a pretty creative person in my own things and despite the adversities, I decided to leave my old habits. After years of overthinking I decided that, maybe I could actually be valid, valuable, have a job, make myself a little better, try and live, follow my weird dreams.

And I was just telling that to my theraphist, when I had my first emergency seizure.

There is no doubt. I have a congenital and innoperable giant deformity in my brain, that could bleed and kill me at any given moment. And I just got deeper in my hole. Again. As always

• Dealing with the news
• Falling deeper in my depression
• Unable to take meds for my mental conditions
• Dealing with the withdrawls
• Increased anxiety episodes that are gonna kill me due to the high blood pressure they cause
• Knowing I could become a disabled burden for a family that doesn't respects me
• Asking myself why do I wanna even try if I'm gonna die soon

Chances are low, doctors say. But they are gonna increase each year. I know maybe would say "Oh just live your life the best you can". I DON'T HAVE A LIFE! No money, goals, self-esteem, social skills, no family to rely on, no hobbies or passions, no anything. I'm lucky I found the only person I could call a real friend, but she is just like me and sometimes I wish we could just try and be better but... It's just been to much

I'm tired. Extremely tired. I've failed at any goal, objective or idea. I've always seen myself trying to change just to end in the starting line again. I see people wanting something and doing everything they can to get it. While I can't even stand up and go wash my teeth cuz I'm just too exhausted. Why would I wanna try again? What's the point? I'm just gonna die. And even if I achieved it, this thing would give me a stroke just after it. Cuz again, I always go back to the starting line.

Why me? What the hell did I did? Do you even know how rare this is? It doesn't even have a PROPPER NAME! They just call it a brain deformity, and even the ones with names affect 1/100,000 people. There is no empathy, no place to look for info, noone to relate too. Just me, against myself. Again.

I just wanna be normal again. How do I become normal again, feel that I can have a future? I just can't see any working future. This things is gonna kill me before I do anything. Or take away everything I could get

Ok so... idk how to start. I wanna die lmao(not funny, I'm nervous).

All my life I've been a failure. From being an overprotected child, to isolation and rejection in highschool, to a lack of personality due to that, to bad grades, mental health issues, drug abuse, unemployement, derealization, being a burden to my family. But I still tried stuff. I used to be a pretty creative person in my own things and despite the adversities, I decided to leave my old habits. After years of overthinking I decided that, maybe I could actually be valid, valuable, have a job, make myself a little better, try and live, follow my weird dreams.

And I was just telling that to my theraphist, when I had my first emergency seizure.

There is no doubt. I have a congenital and innoperable giant deformity in my brain, that could bleed and kill me at any given moment. And I just got deeper in my hole. Again. As always

• Dealing with the news
• Falling deeper in my depression
• Unable to take meds for my mental conditions
• Dealing with the withdrawls
• Increased anxiety episodes that are gonna kill me due to the high blood pressure they cause
• Knowing I could become a disabled burden for a family that doesn't respects me
• Asking myself why do I wanna even try if I'm gonna die soon

Chances are low, doctors say. But they are gonna increase each year. I know maybe would say "Oh just live your life the best you can". I DON'T HAVE A LIFE! No money, goals, self-esteem, social skills, no family to rely on, no hobbies or passions, no anything. I'm lucky I found the only person I could call a real friend, but she is just like me and sometimes I wish we could just try and be better but... It's just been to much

I'm tired. Extremely tired. I've failed at any goal, objective or idea. I've always seen myself trying to change just to end in the starting line again. I see people wanting something and doing everything they can to get it. While I can't even stand up and go wash my teeth cuz I'm just too exhausted. Why would I wanna try again? What's the point? I'm just gonna die. And even if I achieved it, this thing would give me a stroke just after it. Cuz again, I always go back to the starting line.

Why me? What the hell did I did? Do you even know how rare this is? It doesn't even have a PROPPER NAME! They just call it a brain deformity, and even the ones with names affect 1/100,000 people. There is no empathy, no place to look for info, noone to relate too. Just me, against myself. Again.

I just wanna be normal again. How do I become normal again, feel that I can have a future? I just can't see any working future. This things is gonna kill me before I do anything. Or take away everything I could get

Looking for some advice as I am wanting to basically rebuild my life and really dial it back and nose dive into some personal growth and development. I want to do this in private so I will be off of socials like Facebook, Instagram. I also would rather keep my plans private because I have a history of blurting out my plans to people and then either I let myself down or someone sabotaged me. So this time I want to do as they say, move in silence. I’m wondering what would be the best response when someone asks me what I’ve been up to or what I’m working on?

So Im 22M and although I wouldn’t say I’m depressed, I feel as if I’m slowly going to end up there. I work a retail job in the UK whilst living with my parents and have been since I left college at 18. All my friends had left for uni and over the years I’ve basically lost all my friends and I’ve been starting to realise that I don’t really have any hobbies either. I just wake up and go to work or if I have the day off I just stay in bed pretty much all day or play ps5. There’s the odd times I might go gym with this one friend I still have or go chill at his house. I keep seeing on Instagram of all the people I’ve met over the years but not managed to keep a solid relationship with, improve their lives and do lots of fun things whilst I just sit in my bed all day.

I’m trying to improve, I’ve been looking at university courses to try to get a better career but basically I think what I am asking is where can I start to maybe make new friends, create some new hobbies and just enjoy my life and create good memories

It might just be paranoia, but whenever I talk to people, I usually feel like they're patronizing me. I feel this way especially when I'm talking to people my age. I think it's mostly because I look younger than I am, act timid and awkward, and come off as stupid because I take too long to formulate responses and because I have trouble keeping up with the thread of the conversation in discussions with multiple people. How do I get people to take me seriously?

I don’t even know how to put into words how bad my life is. I’ve never had a girlfriend, was an idiot it school, don’t have my license, don’t have a job, don’t have a car, don’t have a savings/checking account, not super attractive, not very tall…and many more things. I’m fucking 25 years old I mean how sad is that? There’s absolutely no way out of this hole and you guys reading this know that. The best advice in the world can’t even fix it. I haven’t even been outside since 2019…it’s been that long. I have no idea what steps to take and even if I did I would never follow through on them. I’m typing this in bed and the one wish I have right now is that I go to sleep and never wake up. I don’t have any passions or any motivation to try and push on. I live one of the most loser lives on the planet. If my younger self saw this man he’d laugh at or just feel bad for him…I’m truly fucked.

This might sound like a vent, but uh it's more of how to more than a vent. I'm 20 and I feel socially dumb.

I was going down to get my delivery from Uber Eats when my neighbour auntie (we live in an apartment) told the motor wasn't working so I told the common current / power might be down. but she tested the common current by switching on lights and it worked. I told "I'll take care".

I informed my dad about this and he blasted at me for pulling all the responsibility of the motor on to my family.

he asked me what prompted me to say that, and I said I genuienly don't know.

1. I lack presence of mind.
2. I'll be walking down the road and I won't be able to grasp things.
3. I forgot things I did on a day to day basis. Like today morning I'll do something and I won't remember what or when I did it (stuff like remembering to poop, triple checking if I kept an item in my bag immediately).
4. it's tough for me to talk in general to people. I can read and talk to myself well, but sometimes I stutter with words, cause I'd be blank.
5. I mostly hum a tune in my mind or outloud (midly so that it's not irittsting to others). Tap my feet and use my teeth to make rhythms all the time, even during a conversation.
6. I'll put my key on the table, go to the bathroom and forgot to take the key and go, I'll remember once I go far.
7. I recently kept my calculator somewhere and I cant remember where I keept it.
8. I'm also the type of guy to forget where I kept my headphones or pen in my bag after keeping it in one zip after 5 to 10 minutes.

IDK what to do with me, am I dumb?? I'm good with PCs, I make music and I can study provided I concentrate on studies. I wanna have a good life and not disappoint my dad. but I keep flipping up. I don't know how to talk smart and stuff like that. what can I do??

It's difficult to classify this feeling. As far as I can tell, it's not perfectionism. I don't have this compulsive need to be good at the things I do.

Likewise, I don't think this is a fear of failure. I'm not worried about doing things poorly reflecting badly on me, or fearfully avoiding new experiences.

Instead, I just don't feel like I'm having much fun being bad at things. The destination feels important in my mind when acquiring new skills. It's a bit of a chicken and egg situation, because I don't stick with things long enough to improve, and I don't trust myself to start or continue these things because I believe I will give up.

I'm not having fun. And I don't have the discipline to get to when I might start having fun. I can understand in the grand scheme of things why I might do something, but in the moment I don't justify putting in the work.

I don't have a good name to put on this. Perfectionism or fear of failure seem to not encompass my experience. Any ideas?

looking for ways to physically improve myself. school starts for me on august 22 and i'd appreciate any tips on glowing up for this school year. makeup, hair, nails, skin, clothes, diet, hygiene.

more specifically with makeup, i'd also appreciate if anyone would be willing to guide me on what style of makeup suits my features!

thank you 🎀💕

I am a 26m who hasn’t had any achievements or improvements since I was a teen. I can find many reasons for why this is such as: my parents homeschooling me and giving up at 16, my parents moving the family to a small rural town where I left behind a lot of friends, connections, hobbies, charter school etc. Around this same time my brother whom I have done everything with left to go live in California. He is very successful and basically achieved most of the things that I wanted to. I have struggled since this age with depression and never getting anything done. Now, I am 26 and the last 2 years have been an awful realization. I used to have a good sales job and live in my own apartment with several jobs. Now I lost all of that, I am $10k in debt, living with my parents for the last 2 years, no friends, and I have been struggling to find work since I left my last job around 30 days ago. Turning 25-26 it has hit me extremely hard and I can’t help but feel I will be so old before I even get to a level most of my peers or people I know were when they were 22. I go on Facebook and see all the people I last went to a charter school with when I was 14 and EVERY person has a career, hobbies, and a beautiful family. I look at my life and I’m at the same level as a 17 year old who can’t even get a minimum wage job. Even if I start school at the beginning of the year, I will be in my 30s before I even BEGIN to look for a career. I look at this and am devastated at how I’ll never be able to catch up with my peers and I don’t think any aging woman will ever want to be with someone who is so far away from their goals and life experience. I no longer have any hope to have a family. Even my childhood friend who is younger than me is a respected adult compared to me, I have to get advice from him because most people around me are an actual experienced adult. Finally, I have noticed my whole life how nobody respects me or really thinks I am an interesting person. My extended family has only ever asked about my older siblings and showed interest. Even my lifelong friends care more about asking my younger brother to play games or do something because no one really wants me around or has a likeness to me. I’m 26 and have never experienced anyone being proud or looking up to an achievement or something that I did. How do I stop from being in this endless loop and feel better about my future?

Today was lovely. I went to work and saw my family. That is pretty much all I did. I kept it simple for myself and enjoyed myself. Work was nice and we talked a lot since we don't have to worry about customers currently. It's just my bosses and I which can feel strange but we have nice discussions while I try to find whatever task I can do at the time. I wish I could currently get more hours in but I am working on a resume for when I start traveling. I talked to my cousins a lot and saw my great grandma and one of my other aunt's. I had two struggles today. One was I had some potato chips. I had more than I intended and was just getting them for the store to try (I also definitely overestimated how many I ate though). I was very unhappy that I even had that many not really even realizing thinking the smaller bag would stop me. I was proud of myself in the effort that I threw them away when I was at home. I got the willpower to chuck them in the garbage because that is what they are. Every once in a while is okay but they were mediocre at best and why pile up useless calories. I was proud of that feat. I also had a mild panic attack and I think I got a lot of my grief out. I thought I had lost the rings my aunt gave me. I searched and I searched everywhere until I found one of my hidden pockets in my new backpack. I broke down and weeped. I think that was a big exhale of my grief in a sense. It was like my physical release. If those rings were gone, then I feel like I lost a part of her. She loved when I wore them and handpicked one of them for me. I felt lost and could only think about how that was the last thing I had of her. The relief when I found them was like Atlas feeling the world being off his shoulders. I feel better now as a whole too. I feel like my pain can be manageable as I look toward the future. I decided right after to have some fun and pickle. I had some beautiful cherry peppers I kept putting off so why the heck not. It was nice and relaxing compared to the hectic mess before. I'll keep a sharp eye on the rings from now on. My token of love from her to wear forever. Besides that I ate food to clear the fridge:

Breakfast:

Overnight oats - 385 calories (~19 g protein)

Lunch:

50 g nachos - ~100 calories (~5 g protein)

.2 lb burger with a slice of American cheese and a tablespoon of ketchup - ~320 calories (~22 g protein)

1.25 servings of chips - 200 calories

Dinner:

1 cup chocolate milk - 140 calories (13 g protein)

Reuben sandwich with homemade pastrami - ~720 calories (~50 g protein)

122 g broccoli + ½ serving of avocado oil - ~100 calories (~3 g protein)

Weekly soda (⅔ honestly have no idea where the rest of it is) - ~120 calories

SBIST was just seeing two of my cousins. Getting to talk to them and stuff we are having fun and being passionate about is awesome. I talked about life with one cousin and my future and my current mental state with one. The other cousin we all talked together about the gym and Magic: The Gathering. It was just such a relieving thing to do with everybody and honestly just felt so peaceful. I got to see two people I rarely see and now we have plans to play a game of Commander soon which I really hope we go through with. It has always been something I wanted to try and I think I could have a blast with it. Games that have politics like Commander are just so much fun. It's why I wish I could get games of Monopoly going in person. Maybe one day when I have my own pod.

Tomorrow should be a fun day. I want to stop at the farmer's market to see if I can find some vegetables for dinner or some kind of pepper to eat. Maybe pick up some pieces of fruit to snack on. I honestly am very excited but will try to spend very little so I'll be careful in that department. I will probably then head to the gym and then see my cousin again. It's been nice to see him while he is back in my state. Thank you my conjurers of the vegetable stands. May the harvests stay plentiful and the greens stay sharp and perhaps even verde.

My 10 year old is obsessed with Philosophy (wants to be a university professor) and I recently saw an ad for the app Imprint. He currently uses Coursera and Khan Academy for online learning. Is this app any good? He reads at a university level and reads about 1 book every 2 days. He loves ancient history and philosophy. He reads adult books and has breezed through most of the popular classics. He’s currently reading 1984 and a collection of Tolstoy short stories. He’s always got one fiction and one non-fiction on the go. Nietzsche is next on his non fiction list. He just finished the collected works of David Hume.

I've been thinking about this for a while now. I feel like I'm trying to understand where my problems lie and how I can help myself. Always growing up trying to essentially mold myself in others images always trying to reach their expectations and hobbies through changing even my behaviours.

Whenever I find a new friend group, I always feel like yes I'm searching for people to connect with but almost have this really close bond where they're like life long friends. Or at least when it comes to hobbies, I find myself essentially researching them even if I never cared for then just to at least have one conversation.

Just like anyone, time and exposure to social skills builds relationships with people but even that because of my incredibly shy, socially anxious personality with introverted tendencies, it's much harder to bond with people. Going outside to places and hanging out is a challenge too. Also because even though I'm an atheist, I did grow up religious and Islam has certain rules which affected how I go about interacting with people and many other aspects of life.

Speaking of religion, I feel like I haven't even delved into why I left it. It was more of questioning myself on reddit forums and then leaving as a result. I don't still believe or defend any of its practices or beliefs but I still feel weird because I lived the majority of my life with it. And trying to get into philosophy is a challenge. I don't even know if I can debate with people as I barely have any experience or understanding on fallacies and whatnot.

Anything regarding going out and eating somewhere, my sudden instinct of not consuming pork still resides with me. To be honest, I am not financially independent nor do I live in my own place so I feel like an alien with my family. And also culturally speaking, I've never visited anywhere abroad, barely speak my home language, never cared for my culture, and other things too.

And speaking of hobbies, I remember when I was a kid I was way more confident and content with what I was interested in. I didn't care if I never watched a particular TV series, movie, or played a certain game or read a infamous book regardless of how others around me felt about it. But even then a bit of me wanted to know.

As well as never experiencing things or never understanding basic things. Like any house chores or cooking and never having a job. And I need to at least consider learning to drive. I still feel like I'm a kid or just really dumb. And would affect me going out places.

Finally, where I'm at right now. I know wasting time is subjective but I feel like watching videos or browsing Reddit and question what I just consume without really asking if I enjoy it or wondering why I didn't do anything productive with my time. Instead I could've gotten back into drawing consistently or consuming new media or other hobbies. I always talked about the future and how I would have my dream life with all the technology, money space with everything I need and travel anywhere, speak loads of languages, eat or drink what I want, wear anything I want, and just be free.

Sorry if this sounds like a vent but I'm genuinely asking a question first and foremost.

I will be 27 by the end of next month. I've been working in a hospital cafe for the last 5 years. It's the first and only job I've had. I only make $16.85 per hour. I still live with my parents. I have my driver's license, but I don't have a car. I graduated high school in 2015 with a 3.9 GPA and received two scholarships to University. I studied Biology in University for 3 years before dropping out due to my mental health and having no direction. I ended up getting an Associate of Arts degree from my local community college in 2019. Shortly thereafter is when I got this job working in this cafe.

Growing up, I used to have really bad Social Anxiety. I remember I used to get very nervous and anxious around other people and social situations. I always thought people were judging me and thinking negatively about me. I always felt very self-conscious and like I was under a spotlight. Social Anxiety had a big impact on my social and quality of life. It was difficult for me to develop and maintain friendships. It even got to the point where I was afraid to leave my house.

I also dealt with bullying throughout school. The bullying I endured was both verbal and physical.

I'm also a closeted homosexual. I've known I was gay from a very early age. I have homophobic family members whom I still live with. I'm still not out because of this.

There was a bit of dysfunction with my home life. I always felt like my father was very critical, judgmental, narcissistic, short-tempered, etc. My Dad is also very closed-minded and old school. I think my father always suspected that I'm gay and is partly the reason of his treatment towards me.

I decided that I will take a break from school and focus on my mental health, try to find some direction, and obtain some real world experience.

At the age of 22, I challenged myself to get a job working in customer service to get more comfortable interacting with people. I saved up some money for driving lessons and got my driver's license also at the age of 22. I started attending therapy to take care of my mental health. I felt like my life was headed in the right direction and I was very proud of myself. I was essentially trying to catch up on things I should've been doing when I was a teenager.

Unfortunately back in 2020, at the age of 23, I went through some emotional trauma that put me into a pretty significant depression. Ever since then I've lost interest in things I used to enjoy, I became emotionally numb, and I developed psychosomatic symptoms like chronic muscle tension, brain fog, sexual dysfunction, etc. I feel like that trauma changed a part of me. I felt like I was making progress with my life, then I hit a brick wall.

I've spent the last 4 years going to Doctors, trying different treatments, getting numerous tests done, to rule out any physical issues pretty much to no avail. Tests come back normal. Doctors couldn't find anything wrong. They've pretty much told me my symptoms are tied to my mental health, but I didn't want to believe it. However, I now realize it makes sense since this began from a mental health episode. I just never dealt with anything like this before.

I went to a Psychiatrist who put me on 5 different oral antidepressants that didn't help.

There's other treatments I want to try, but I am going to wait until next year when I have better insurance.

During this period I racked up some credit card debt. $4,000 total between two cards. Within the last month, I decided I am going to give up Instacart, Doordash, and Uber. Fortunately at my job, they gave us our hours back so I am now working 40 hours a week. I decided no more doctor appointments until I have better insurance. My mom is charging me $300.00 towards rent. She agreed to go half on the utility bill with me and I am paying $75.00 towards that. I've been catching the bus to work and home which has only been $4.00 a day for 5 days. I currently have my debt down to $3,441.

I was seeing a Trauma Therapist for the last 3 months. She's been encouraging me to make some lifestyle changes. She told me that I need to move out of my parent's house as soon as I am able to because it's an environment where I've been hurt. She also encouraged me to reach out to some LGBTQ support groups in my area. She also told me that I need to give up watching porn and masturbating. She told me I need to start exercising and improving my diet. She told me that I need to get out of the house as much as possible and find things to do outside of home and socialize with other people.

I am currently back in school at my local community college trying to pursue a career in nursing. I am taking my pre-reqs to get into their nursing program. My next class starts this Tuesday. I will only have one more class to take after this one.

Sorry for the rant, but I wanted to get this off my chest. However, I also wanted some advice on how I am doing with my life?

I grew up in a relatively isolated small island community after moving here when I was little. People here have been generally very bigoted and xenophobic, and I've not been able to relate to many here. I would say however that I'm good at making friends and adjusting myself to people, and generally well liked by most. There are many positives to that, but the side effects are that I can feel like I'm a different person that changes based on the people around me. I rarely feel like I'm being authentic to myself in social settings. I feel like if I'm being more true to myself I would repel others, due to the limited amount of people here I risk being isolated if I don't keep up my act. I don't know what I think is better being alone or being social in a setting of people I more often dislike. A very visual representation of this could be how I've dressed at one point, I figured people thought branded clothes were the thing, and I bought a lot of that to fit in and the feeling of approval. Eventually, I bought had bought 4 pairs of Jordans shoes because they seemed to impress the most and I chased that rush of approval every time, I bought all the pairs used to justify it to myself, but now I also felt uncomfortable that I felt like I just look like a spoiled brat. That is a very visual representation of what I feel and what I've done to fit others' expectations.

Everything I thought I wanted career wise I literally can’t have (mental disorder). How can I change my mindset to make this a positive thing.

Rejection is redirection?

There’s good in it but I can’t figure out what

There are a lot of people, with not so nice things to say.... hidden behind computer screens these days. I have often tried to participate here, and I have often logged out to stay away from the pain.

Your fat. Your ugly. Your stupid. I don't like you.

Yet, I feel an intense draw to this community, so I keep coming back... and I keep getting hurt.

Yes, I am sensitive, but that is not going to change. It's just my nature.

My ability to be insensitive... Is non existent.

However, I am slowly learning that the reddit critics, don't matter.

Thanks Theodore Roosevelt!!!!!!!

“It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself in a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat.”

—Theodore Roosevelt Speech at the Sorbonne, Paris, April 23, 1910

Whether I'm lying or not, I'm going to be working with people higher up than me for the rest of my life. How can I become more persuasive and create better points in becoming a stronger voice in the room?

I want to be more confident and less submissive. Inside sometimes I feel shaky when I have confrontations.

At the moment at work when I am confident and address people I am sometimes ignored or people will happily and confidently argue with me, and even though I supervise a team, I have people try tell me what to do.

I went to the dentist the other day and was treated like dirt, whereas the next customer was spoken to very politely. I notice this happens sometimes, I also find I am almost invisible to others in shops or on the street.

Some people talk to me as if I need caring for, even those ten years younger.

I've been told I appear young and submissive, in language, voice and appearance.

Advice please?