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I'm tired of banal conversations :(

I always feel like I’m more of a passive person in a friendship, like I’d do what the other person suggests even if I might not want to because then I feel like I can spend more time with them etc. But it’s so easy for others to say no if I suggest something, even if I really want to do it. I feel like I always adjust to the vibe, like even if I’m not really feeling it, and the other person is relatively happy and high energy, I’ll try to match that, because they get me to be a bit more uplifted (and because I don’t want to be a bummer) but what to do when the other person is low energy or quiet, how to uplift them? I don’t know if I’m able to communicate properly here, so let me know about that.

Dunno if this is the right sub for this (literally just came across it) but I recently downloaded fb messenger in an attempt to reconnect with old friends. Haven’t used Facebook in many years as I’m sure is the same for a lot of you.

The trouble is, I just went down a rabbit hole of reading conversations with people I’ve lost touch with. Some of these messages are a log of years and years and years and fucking hell..

I was not prepared for rehashing these old wounds/memories. I feel weird, guilty, rejected out of sorts all at the same time. I’m doing this anyway as I’m currently going through a bit of insomnia due to long work hours. So this definitely hasn’t helped 😅 Anyone else do this? And any tips for how to shake this weird feeling would be greatly appreciated, if any - haha thanks

I'm known, but I'm not iconic or "popular". i can easily walk up to someone and talk to them, but that doesn't mean I'm entertaining or not awkward. ive always taken things too seriously, I'm very hyper aware (so I'm always in my head), and I'm somewhat soft spoken. i wish I could be charismatic.

i have a friend who may seem quiet at first. but whenever we're together and I bump into an acquaintance of mine, she speaks to them as if she's known them for ages.

i have a choirmate. the both of us are witty. during chorus class though, I make a wisecrack but only the people around me react to it. whenever she makes one, it's like everyone hears it and laughs. i crave that. I've been in that choir for 4 years and even named it, but with the way I am, you'd never expect it.

there's a girl that, wherever she goes, she seems to command the crowd. everyone listens to her stories and laughs at her jokes.

i wish I could be like them. my guidance counselor says it's because I carry myself like "a 30-something year old woman". i don't want that. i want to be cool; no offence to 30 year olds. I'm tired of feeling like "the weird girl".

Alr so obviously, no one knows me here so its kind of a hearsay statement to say that i feel like im a pretty funny guy, theres nothing backing that up..but ill ask you to trust me on this one.

I have felt like this before so im not really asking for advice mostly just here to vent and see if people can relate to this feeling of knowing or atleast thinking youre funny, but then being super unfunny for a while, like its been 3 days and i am noticing that im not finding witty or funny things to say.

Does anyone know if this feeling has a name? or why it happens, would like for anyones opinions really.

thanks for reading!

So lately, I’ve been shooting out some messages to people on here (mostly from the friend making subs/r4r). I just really need some online friends to talk to. I’ve been hitting a spot of loneliness and depression from my job, where I regularly work 12-14h. In person, I’d say I’m fairly social. I can hold conversations, I’m open to any topic, I even carry conversations sometimes.

But on here, I will think I’m having a great conversation with someone, sharing interests, equally asking questions and answering questions. But then suddenly I get ghosted. I mean surely I’m doing something wrong. I can’t stick any friends on here longer than maybe an hour or 2. Not even long enough to know what they’re like or for them to know what I’m like.

Idk, this is my vent. It’s super frustrating and I am not sure what I’m doing wrong or how to fix it.

I am posting here after what feels like a failed attempt at putting myself out there. Is it supposed to be this awkward? This uncomfortable? People who know of my struggle generally tell me to try, to stop letting my insecurities win, to approach people with initiatives,and so i did yesterday, i figured wherever the night ended up is better than staying home feeling lonely on halloween night But i feel like its deeper than that And my loneliness stuck with me wherever i went, I could not get out of my own head and stop being stiff and kinda fake to save my own life, as if my brain freezes and shuts down Im really trying to put myself out there and experience things as a step at least, but how do i make my experiences better in the future???and not let bad ones push me to isolate myself even further. Yesterday what happened is i went clubbing with a girl i know, were not really close and neither of us is really a clubber, and we didn’t really vibe together or in the place, her roommate was with a group of other people and they felt close and like they were having fun but i just couldn’t click with anyone and really let loose! And i decided to go very lastt second in an attempt to be spontaneous but it came back to bite me in the ass cuz i was so sober. And the other girl doesn’t drink alot and doesn’t smoke so i felt discouraged. Maybe it was a big jump for me and i should be taking baby steps in socializing instead of going clubbing with a group of people i only know superficially, but how do i do that and what does it look like? I feel really uncertain about the future..i hate lonliness, but have no friends, non that care anyway, and i just want a real friendship, it feels like the more i chase it the further it gets. All in all i want to be better instead of beating myself up and dooming myslef

Sequence:
I asked friend to join hangout

Wait for him to say yes

then I ask host if friend can join

host says no because already too many people

I already asked friend to join

What should I do?

I know this sounds messed up but its true.

In my mind I think about it like this: If I wouldn't get upset/cry about in this situation, then why should they. Due to some past stuff, Ive basically turned off my emotional emotions and dont get bothered by much anymore (whether its physical pain or mental. Ill just bottle it up and not do anything until i cant take it anymore).

Lets say someone falls and cuts their knee and starts to cry. I just dont know how to react to that. Ill say something awkward like "it'll be okay. It's not that bad. Or you can walk that off".

Im trying to do better at understanding that other people are not me. They feel different than me. But its really hard to do that anyway.

Does anyone else feel like this? Or am I just crazy.

I posted on another sub a few days ago that I was scared my Halloween party might flop... well it did. Around 50 people were invited, 30 got into the group and only 7 actually confirmed their presence (4 of those being me and my friend group).

How do I cancel it without feeling like a biger loser than I already do? I thought about making something up, but that would probably be even more pathetic...

For college I live in a dormitory and am for the most part actively involved in events like gamenights or parties. Yesterday my sister visited town and came with me to a Halloween party with a bunch of my dorm mates. We had a great time but the thing is that I live here for 1 year and have been struggling to really be included in this group and my sister meets them one time and everyone just loves her. People who normally don't really talk with me went out of their way to do stuff with her. After one night she has been invited to hang outs I'm not even included in. She is friends with people I've been trying to befriend for months. I've always know that she is so much better at this. She has this magnetic personality, just knows what to say, when to laugh and has an amazing sense of humour. All things I struggle immensely with. People just come up to her and tell her stuff about themselves. I love hanging out with her but it's always such a hit to my self confidence when I introduce her to my friends. We look very similar (twins but not identical) and the difference in how people treat us is just so glaring. I really try to work on myself but I'm just so awkward and never know how to act. Even though I love my sister and enjoy spending time with her so much I dread to introduce her to my friends because they always tend to prefer her even if we've been friends for years. What should I do? How can I deal with this?

Anyone else the “spare” friend?

I’ve had a recurring theme throughout my life, even from childhood I’m the “spare” friend:

The friend no one thinks twice about cancelling plans with.

The friend, where, if I did not reach out to maintain contact, I would never hear from them again. (Happened in multiple occasions)

The friend that people often forget to invite to group outings

The friend that is purposefully left out. (Again happened on multiple occasions)

I have ADHD with rejection sensitive dysphoria, but I can’t help feeling like there’s something wrong with me. What have I done to be so unimportant to people who I have put effort into building what I thought were meaningful relationships with.

I’ve checked with 3rd parties and they say I definitely don’t give off needy/desperate vibes.

WTF am I doing wrong?

Every time I find myself in a conversation I feel naked (or like I’m trying to hold up my clothes from falling down rather) because I have to think with effort about what I should say. Sometimes nothing comes to mind and I just go “oh” or “ok” and it gets awkward. It astonishes me how people are able to just go back and forth in speaking to each other, knowing the correct thing to respond with (let alone something witty) to a given remark whereas I feel laden with so many questions that I just zone out and say something lame. How do I learn how to converse with people?

I’m 20 years old, dealing with depression and possibly some trauma from my past. I work as a developer, so I have limited social interaction. Recently, I've been feeling more lonely, and deep down, I long for close connections and someone to care for, which has become painful for me.

I’m quite shy and often appear unapproachable, especially in social settings. But once I ‘warm up,’ I can become chatty, though I struggle to initiate conversations. People who know me describe me as kind, helpful, and sweet, so I don’t think I’m terrible company. I’m more of a listener than a talker.

Right now, I have no real-life friends and only one online friend who checks in occasionally. I live with my father's family, but I don’t feel close to them either. At home, I mostly stay in my room and only talk to them when necessary. Trust has been hard for me, as I’ve had it broken in the past.

In school, I had some ‘friends,’ but after graduation, those connections faded. Looking back, I feel they only stayed around because of what I could offer. My mother rarely let me visit friends or have them over, and she often controlled my friendships, leading to resentment. Eventually, I withdrew and only gave her superficial answers. Ironically, I learn best through conversation, so going quiet wasn’t easy.

Online, I have a few connections, but most people reach out only when they need something. One friend I used to game with rarely messages me now, except to ask for favors, which feels like my worth is tied to being ‘useful.’

Am I really such bad company? I know I’m introverted and often enjoy solitude, but I love one-on-one conversations when I have the energy – they help with the loneliness. I feel a bit lost even with online friends; when I meet them in real life, I struggle with what to say or do to keep things going.

This might sound odd, but I also feel a strong urge to be ‘useful’ to someone, almost like a ‘servant,’ but not in a sexual way (I’ve never been in a relationship). In the past, I found comfort in helping people in online games, like Minecraft. I just wanted to support them and be valuable in some way. It helped with my loneliness, but I know it’s not healthy, so I try to suppress it.

I do some sports like archery, but I often feel down while doing it. The social interactions help a bit, but overall, it leaves me feeling even worse and questioning if I should continue.

Any advice on how to connect with people or start feeling less alone would be really appreciated.

Good morning! I am a woman 27f who is trying to renew friendships with old friends who are also women. One was a close friend from high school, the other is actually a new friend I am trying to maintain contact with.

Obviously this is through texting as I just recently reached out to them. One is via text the other is through Facebook messenger. I feel like I am more involved in the texting process than they are though, but they are probably busy what with it being Halloween and all. However, they both seem interested and excited about being friends again. What advice would you have for someone in my situation? Thank you :)

As the title say I (F26) like someone I work with (m25) and I don’t know how to talk to him, I feel like I come across as mean cause I can’t even say hi to him. I’m a really awkward person and when it comes to someone I like im just 10 times worse, im just wondering how do I open my social skills and go talk to him.

I've heard this twice last night.. so maybe it's not a good question to ask and i just don't know where to proceed after that.

I've seen two acquaintances on separate situations in a halloween party last night. I just wanted to catch up so i asked what they've been doing lately.

When i asked them, i got the response "i don't really wanna talk about that".

I do get that, cos sometimes i just wanna have fun too and not think/worry about work and stuff.. take my mind off of things. I know nothing about you though? especially if it's been years since we last interacted.

I usually get stumped and don't know what to talk about after. What do we even talk about if i have no clue what's they're in to? How do you pivot back from this and what do you even talk about?

I've made it a point to be a better listener, but it seems I've made such a point of this that I've forgotten how to listen In general. When people speak to me I remind myself to look them in the eye but not too much, respond affirmatively, not to interrupt them, and to try and recapture what they've said after they've said it. But while I'm focusing on all these little details I totally forget what the person has said lol

I find myself wanting to just move at my own pace and do things on my own time, but like all the time. This means I’m not waiting on anybody if they have any problems. I get annoyed sometimes if people are too slow or have too many problems that they hold me back from plans. I’m just not a very patient person, and I’m very much aware of that. I also don’t really care to help others when they have a problem, and I don’t do favors for them because I don’t really ask for any favors myself. I’m so used to not needing anybody that I’ve become hyper-independent, and I struggle to empathize when the people around me can’t be as efficient as me. I don’t do anything to hurt anybody, but I’m uncomfortable sitting with these feelings.

i don’t exactly know how to describe my relationship with my parents. im a 17yo girl, turning 18 in january (legal age in my country).

i kind of want to start doing things like going out and partying, going to concerts more and im extremely shy trying to ask them to let me.

im not afraid to ask my mom, but she is never okay with anything, and i swear- anything i ask her permission to do. she has a crystal clear image of me and she cant accept that i want to change and start having more fun.

when it comes to my dad, he usually lets me but i have a hard time talking to him because he had been violent in the past (im not an only child) and i’m very cautious. he let me go to concerts before, but i still am pretty shy about asking him permission.

i feel like i give up way too easily when i want to do something. but im tired of going to mom to ask something and her not agreeing on anything.

i probably wont be able to gather up the coursge and tell my parents that i want to organize a party for my 18th birthday either. its something ive never done before (i wanna spend a night with some of my friends in a chalet in the mountains, its a common thing ppl do for special occasions and holidays). they probably wont agree and ill just straight up be frustrated. and i am now because i dont have the guts to ask. im scared of what they ll think of me.

so, what can i do not to give up so easily when i want something? how can i not give a damn about what they think of me? how can i make my parents understand that im growing up and they need to leave me alone?

im sorry if its so messy and badly written but everything just came to me now. thank u for reading!

Some background info before I say anything else:
- So this year, classes have been mixed and I am trying to get closer to certrain people I barely had anything going on with or absolutely nothing. Furthermore, I've "known" these people since 5th grade, or since we've been attending the same school to be precise.

- Additionally, 3 of those people attend another school but visit the people at my school every break we have.

- The people at my school that await them every break actbasically like a hardened bubble meaning that I am not really included in hangovers nor that I am a crucial person, so basically it is like a formed "society" where I am not part of it.

- Those people that know me since 5th grade have a set image of me where I am not really talkative, not really funny and I am basically like a follower sometimes since I have no really deep relationship with any of these guys.

So my goal is to get closer to these people but I have my doubts since we all are at the age of 16/17 meaning that if I were to really give it my shot, it'd probably be to late since those people have all known each other for much longer, as far as even being childhood friends. However, I once did hangout with a 2 of those people and while afterwards it did felt great, I have a feeling that I only got a slightly bit closer to them due to them just having known each other for much longer. My other main issue is my passive behaviour where I basically just listen during conversations which doesn't contribute to my goals. This characteristic of mine usually happens due to me not being really funny because I am not good at making people laugh or just making them smile with words and most times I can't bring myself to laugh when people tell me something supposedly funny because I mostly just do not find it funny. I did get invited a few times tho but this only happened when I called some people, asked them something and then casually asked me if I wanna come over but I had to decline every time due to them hanging out at our local McDonald's at like 11pm for example which motivates me but it's been like 2 weeks since the last time I've been asked and I had a small argument with those people that I called and asked me to come. Since then I feel like our relationship distanced a bit

That being said, I hope I explained this situation well enough for you guys to be able to advise me.

Thanks for reading and have a great time :)

I don't have friends and can't make any, I could go through my entire life story but it doesn't matter since at the end of the day no one dislikes me (well except maybe one person but 50/50 chance thats in my head), I'm not mean, have made people laugh on the rare occasions I've spoken, my classmates despite not acknowledging me much are nice the few times they do, they remember my name atleast.

Yet I can't make any friends despite the fact when I have gotten the chance to talk to others they seem like they're interested in me then it doesn't go anywhere and they never talk to me again (i.e forced too because it was a duo group or none of their friends are there but once they're back no one talks to me)

I probably seem a bit awkward, bad anxiety but it's a lot less bad now and I think I come across "normal" enough now.

My sister has bad anxiety as well and just started school as a freshman in high school and shes %100 fine in making friends, even made friends with upperclassman, while I'm a senior and still haven't made any.

I just don't understand it though? My main issue I feel is I'm overlooked, people do not choicefully interact with me but, don't seem opposed to doing so when they must. So I truly just don't understand why I can't make friends. I feel like I don't understand other people that well but I don't get how I can get a better understanding of others if I can't find an in to actually befriending them or talking to others more than once a month.

Sooo most of my friends bailed for Halloweekend but I have a costume and still want to go out. Isn’t weird to go alone to the bars or clubs and just hit the downtown scene? I was SO excited!

TIA for your answers! Happy Halloween l! 👻🎃

Realistically. What would be your life like if You manage to eliminate ALL of your distractions ?

Please read this- I’ve been struggling for what feels like a long time and have no one else to talk to this about.

I used to thrive off social situations, could make friends easily and would talk to them for hours. I could even make people laugh(which seems so far away now).

Nowadays, I have become extremely quiet and it makes me sad. I’ve lost the feeling of connection I used to have with people and even my “friends” don’t feel any different from acquaintances. I’ve jumped from friendship to friendship to try to find the feeling of connection again but with all of them I struggle to keep conversations going for more than a minute and am super awkward, making me dread interactions with people as I’m terrified of them seeing me as boring. I am not naturally that introverted, though, and I would kill to be able to laugh with and be completely relaxed around people.

The only person I can be myself around is my sibling, but she is rude to me everyday, and if I ever want to share problems with her she tells me to shut up and that she doesn't care, but I talk to her anyway because she is the only one who I’m not awkward around and I don’t want to be driven insane from loneliness. There is no one else who I would share my problems to. It would be good to be able to connect with someone who treats me nicer, but right now, it feels quite literally impossible for me to feel any closer to anyone than an acquaintance(I have these friends who I've known for over a year and am still awkward with them), and I have no friends left from the days I used to be more confident. I really don’t know how to change it.

Does anyone have any advice?

I struggle to win arguments, especially with superiors and bosses at work. Whenever I argue my superiors reframe the argument and always spin it back on me and can't dominate the conversation and I'm always answering to them instead of them answering to me. They never answer my questions. How do I challenge that reframe and spin their spin back on them and maintain that control of the argument?

30f - I am often asked to repeat myself but I’m not intentionally talking soft or mumbling, so I feel like my voice is not projecting. I’ve also noticed in more social settings - I can’t talk over louder chatter or music - I feel like my voice feels really hoarse and scratchy just to be able to communicate in this setting - anyone else? It’s hard keeping people engaged or conversation going in both personal life and career - anyone have advice on how to improve?

tl;dr: what is the best way to temporarily make yourself care and be cordial in a social interaction when you don't have much mental energy?

Background: I've switched jobs from a very stressful 9 to 5 job to a part time job, and in doing so I don't get around other people who aren't my family much. I also am starting to distance myself from my last friendship (and only friendship) which had turned out really toxic. Maybe despite/because of these things I am feeling way better mentally and have had way fewer depressive episodes. I have time for home improvement, hobbies, and exercise with my dog now.

Problem is, I have no real drive to try and have small talk with people anymore. Especially since I'm a chronic social drifter (church and job hopper) and I know people don't really want to get to know me or be known on a deeper level. It seems at times that all they want is to put on a good show, gossip, and gather intel and that's about it. And I just don't have the energy for that any more. I'm tired of having to keep an ongoing list of conversation starters, looking friendly and inviting all the time, texting first, regularly reaching out, yadda yadda. It's been exhausting trying to connect with others for 15 years that way. I'd rather be doing anything else.

My mother invited someone to our neighborhood at 8am on my day off and is really kind of ticked that I don't really want to visit with them and start a whole "getting to know you" interaction. I don't want people to hate me, feel rejected or uncomfortable but I just...don't care. I'm ambivalent to their existence anymore. It feels like the metaphorical equivalent of walking a mile just to put a dollar in a vending machine, get nothing and then walk home again.

I think I dont know how to communicate with people.

Is anyone else alone this Halloween? If so how are you coping and how do you feel? Do you have friends celebrating out without you?

Edit: Now we’re not so alone. We have something in common. Happy Halloween