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I feel lost. Like I lack any personality anymore. I don't really know when I started losing my self but I suspect it was right after middle school when my closest friend went over to a different school. He seemed to be the only one I could talk to about basically anything and not feel judgment. I think I shut off my personality when highschool started because, well, it was a shitty one. No one seemed to really like me and I attributed that to my personality. I tried to develop a new one by looking to my friends as role models, but that just jumbled my thoughts up even more. I never felt like i fit in and now i dont even know who I am. I just feel empty and i wish i had someone close to talk to who would just listen. I just wish i could be myself again.

It seems to me that ink is not enough. It is not enough to express emotions.

But then again, maybe I have been or am over saturated with emotions ink can't hold.

Could it be that I am not using the right words or the right language? I got so many feelings to express, sometimes I can't stop writing, and it feels like all the ink in the world wouldn't be enough.

There are so many things, experiences, moments I would like to share with someone. I don't find any pleasure doing things on my own anymore.

I'm so mad at myself for not knowing how to get my life together. I spent so time stuck not knowing what to do.

SUre, I do have a disability that grounded me for most of my life. On top of that I was discouraged from bettering myself, my parent's simply didn't care to see me succeed. At 18 I ran off and married, I was naive and stupid. But I thought I would have chance at a normal life and instead jumped from the frying pan to the fire. I didn't know how to deal with his abuse, and his threats of death if I left so I stayed. Way longer than should have.

When I finally divorced, years of dealing with my seizures and his abuse left me unable to work and no where to go. So I am living with my parents again. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind helping them. But that's all my life is. I still have no prospects and life seems overwhelming to get my life together at this point. I feel hopeless and helpless.

I can't do simple things people take for granted, driving a car. Working any job they want. Simply being independent.

Living with family at my age sucks. I hate it. I have a very independent personality, but life threw a few lemons at me and I simply don't know how to make lemon aid.

I hate it here. I'm miserable. I'm well beyond my years to start making my own life work. I'm afraid to run into people I used to know. I'm ashamed my life hasn't worked the way I wanted to.

I am very different than my family, I believe a different that what I was raised to believe, my ideas and feelings are different. I feel like such an alien. I have to hold back from being my true self because I don't want to offend them, but I also want to be able to express myself without judgement. I just want to be me for once in my life.

I keep thinking about how different my life would if I didn't have this damned disability. How independent I would be, what type of career and house I would have etc...

But one of the best things in my life is a terrific friend I made a few years ago. He's a dear, sweet man and he's trying to help. He's done so much for me and I think he thinks the best of me and he's just been wonderful. It's helping some to know that some one expects the best out of me instead of people that expect nothing from me.

I hope I live up to his expectations, but part of me wants to tell him that I know I'm a loser, that he is wasting his time, money and words on someone who has no potential. But the other part of me wonders if he's right. That I do have something worth working toward. That I do actually have potential and a right to be happy.

Aww shucks, I think I like him even more now.

Despite whatever the Fuck I do to avoid this... I did it the second time... It's a old turn key entry car.. Called the locksmith goes out another $50 for nothing.. And the locksmith takes 15min doesn't speak English very good.. And I cant type on my phone... I'm mad at myself so much.. I would kill myself.. I'm fucking useless...

Warning: many capital letters due to anger. Avert your eyes, in fact don't even read this. I just need to get it out.

IM NEVER BRINGING ANYONE INTO THIS WORLD IF I CAN HELP IT. THAT MEANS THAT I HAVE NO UTILITY OR PURPOSE OR VALUE OR WORTH AT ALL. I CONSTANTLY MAKE THE WRONG CHOICE AND I CANT SEEM TO DEVIATE FROM THIS COURSE. IM DAMNED LUCKY I WAS BORN IN THE TIME PERIOD THAT I WAS CAUSE ID BE LONG DEAD OTHERWISE. ALTHOUGH STICKING AROUND ON EARTH ONLY FILLS MY HEAD WITH MORE KNIFE-SHARP SELF-CRITICISMS AND PESSIMISTIC OBSERVATIONS THAT LEAD TO ME FEELING DEPRESSED AND WISHING THAT I WERE DEAD. I CANT DESTROY THE VOICE IN MY HEAD SO ILL SETTLE FOR DESTROYING EVERYONE AROUND ME. I WOULD IF I COULD. IM A HORRIBLE INDIVIDUAL AND IVE BEEN ON THIS PATH SINCE I WAS BORN. NOTHING COULD EVER MAKE A DIFFERENCE. IN SOME WAYS ITS BETTER TO NOT HAVE KIDS, EVEN THOUGH I WOULD FORSAKE THE REDEMPTION THAT KIDS WOULD BRING, AT LEAST LESS PEOPLE WILL HAVE THEIR LIVES RUINED WHEN I KILL MYSELF. IN A FUCKED UP WAY IM GLAD THAT I CANT SEEM TO MAKE THE RIGHT FRIENDS, CAUSE AT LEAST THE WILL THAT FLOWS THROUGH MY EVERY ACTION AND THOUGHT, THE WILL THAT IN NO WAY BELONGS TO ME, IS CONSISTENT. IM DAMAGED GOODS TO THE POINT THAT IM JUST STRAIGHT-UP BADS. EVERY DAY I FEEL ANGRIER, AND IT WILL SPILL OVER EVENTUALLY, UNTIL I SNAP AND RUIN MY LIFE IN SEARCH OF THIS RELEASE THAT’S CONSTANTLY OUT OF REACH. I USED TO WISH I HAD NO FAMILY OR FRIENDS, BECAUSE THOSE TWO THINGS ARE REALLY THE ONLY BARRIERS BETWEEN ME AND A FULL-ON STREAK OF HEDONISTIC CRAVING AND IMPULSE-DRIVEN BEHAVIOR, WHICH WOULD NO DOUBT RESULT IN MY BECOMING HOMELESS AND AN UNWASHED DERELICT, LIKE THE LOOK YOU SEE IN THE EYES OF SOME, THE BEETLE-BLACK CRAWLY LOOK THAT SAYS ‘I WOULD HAPPILY KILL YOU TODAY FOR A HAMBURGER ALSO TODAY.’ WITHOUT ATTACHMENTS TO LOVED ONES I WOULD BE FREE TO SEVER THE TETHER THAT BINDS ME TO THIS HIDEOUS BLURRY LIFE IN WHICH I FEEL AN ENDLESS LEVEL OF HATRED FOR MYSELF AND INDEED FOR CONSCIOUSNESS ITSELF. I WOULD BE ABLE TO GET ARRESTED, TRIED, AND SENTENCED TO LIFE IN PRISON FOR MURDER WITHOUT BRINGING SHAME ON MY FAMILY AND MY CLOSE ASSOCIATES. SUICIDE SOUNDS MUCH BETTER THAN LIFE IN PRISON BUT IT SEEMS AN AWFUL WASTE TO KILL MYSELF WITHOUT FIRST KILLING SOMEONE ELSE. THIS DERELICT FUTURE LOOMS OVER ME AS A SPECTER OF DEATH DOES OVER A DWINDLING HOSPICE-BOUND BODY. IM SORRY I WAS BORN WITH THE BRAIN I HAVE, I DEARLY WISH I WAS DIFFERENT. I WOULD WISH A LOT OF THINGS. BUT WISHES ARE FISHES AND THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT WE ALL ARE. FISHES IN THIS FISHBOWL, WISHES IN THIS WISHBOWL, WHATS THE DAMN DIFFERENCE. EVEN IF HUMANS MAKE IT TO MARS IT WILL BE THE ULTIMATE WIN FOR THE MOST HEINOUS CRUELTIES THAT LIE DEEPLY EMBEDDED IN MANKIND’S HEARTS AND MINDS. IF WE MAKE IT TO MARS IT WILL BE ON THE BACK OF ATROCITY AND IT WILL SEEM AS THOUGH THE ENDS HAVE JUSTIFIED THE MEANS. MORALITY, JUSTICE, AND ORDER ARE THREE OF THE TALLEST TALES EVER SPUN. THEY EXIST LIKE COLORFUL DANGLING STARS OVER A BABY’S CRIB, EXISTENT ONLY AS THE FIRST COURSE IN A NEVERENDING BUFFET OF LIES AND INDOCTRINATION. A BABY GROWS UP AND IF ITS UNLUCKY WILL FIGURE OUT THESE FABRICATIONS AND LEARN TO SEE THROUGH THESE ILLUSIONS AND PEER AT THE TERRIBLE, BEAUTFUL TRUTH THAT IS ETERNAL DARKNESS AND PAIN SPREADING EVERYWHERE. THIS IS WHY I WONT BE A PARTICIPANT IN MAKING A BABY. WHAT A CRUEL THING TO DO, SENTENCING THEM TO LIFE TO SECURE YOUR OWN REDEMPTION IN THE EYES OF THE GODS. MY OBJECTION ISNT SO MUCH A UNIVERSAL STANCE AS IT IS A PARTICULAR GESTURE OF GOOD WILL TOWARDS MY UNBORN OFFSPRING, WHOSE VOICES I CAN HEAR ANYWAY, THROUGH THE VEIL OF SPACETIME, IN THE CRUNCHING OF LEAVES UNDERFOOT, OR IN THE SAILING OF THE WIND THROUGH THE TREES. I CANT SPEAK THIS LANGUAGE BUT I CAN TRANSLATE IT, THESE VOICES TELL ME QUITE SIMPLY, PLEASE DON’T FORCE ME TO BE HERE. WHAT GREATER GIFT CAN YOU GIVE YOUR CHILD THAN THE SUMPTUOUS DIVINITY OF NONEXISTENCE.

My dog is getting old and it's at the worst time. I fell deep into depression during the holidays because of personal problems. And now this...

I've been off. Losing track of my stuff, not focusing. In fact, last night, I got into a car accident. I was dwelling too much and forgot about a stop sign. Luckily no one got hurt, but if I wasn't feeling depressed, none of that would've happened.

I just feel completely drained. Too much crying. My heart hurts too much. My wife has been my support but I just feel hopeless. I have 2 other dogs, but this one was my first dog. I look at her as my daughter because my wife and me agreed to not have kids for personal reasons.

I'm not looking for any sympathy but please, put my dog in your prayers.

This sounds really lame, but I had a situation where I had to make a tricky decision regarding my morals, and I'm really proud of myself for sticking with them. I don't have many people to express this to, so I just wanted to share this with someone, even if strangers. Thank you.

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Since I was like 12 (I'm 25 now) I've had this escalating desire to disappear, but not in the literal sense. It's like I constantly want to erase "me" - deconstruct my identity I guess. Here are some examples, all of which have "increased" over time:

• I remove/erase/destroy pretty much all personal records, except necessary ones like identification. I remember when I started high school I threw away all of my trophies, letters of recognition, drawings, etc..

• I never take any pictures or videos of myself, and not because I think I'm ugly or anything like that (I'm not good-looking, but neither me nor other people really give a shit).

• I had social media in middle school but during high school I slowly faded out of it. Since then I haven't touched social media, or at least in the sense of having a public profile directly associated with my "true" identity (reddit is great! :)

• I delete contacts from my phone when I think I won't talk to them for the next few months.

• I keep my emotional distance from everybody I encounter. My actions and sentiments are genuine, no doubt, but I just never get attached to anybody. If for some reason I start to, I get a bit paranoid and try to "stop caring" about them.

This is a really weird subconscious motive that, over the years, I've become more and more aware of. I really want to find a proper place where I can ask questions about this, e.g. a subreddit. Finding others who either have personally felt the same way, or who can offer some useful insight on this matter, would be helpful, but it's a luxury I can easily bear to live without.

And just for the record, I'm not suicidal, I'm not sad, and my introspection on this matter isn't due to some recent series of (unfortunate) events.

So, I'm in a gap year right now (trying to build up a youtube channel) for fun but also to help propel me into my future career after I go into film school next year. now my channel is growing ever so slowly but I am kind of fed up. I have seen channels just as good as mine Grow much much faster and I cant figure out why. Everyone who has stumbled upon my vids tells me my content is quite good.

Now these days my view counts havent been tooooo bad but, my recent video has no views and its been up for around 4 hours. This is very unusual for me and, I know its dumb but, its kinda struck a nerve with me. I'm just fed up tbh. I will always make vids because it is fun but, at the same time I have put so much effort into this damn thing and its really disappointing at times.

Advice? Thoughts? Want me to elaborate? I just needed to get this off my chest somewhere on the internet so ye. A conversation would be great :)

a couple of months back in december i was partnered with a boy for a drama prac and ended up with a raging crush on him. call him john. he was funny; he made me smile, and he knew exactly what to say to make me feel better at my lowest points.

in february, we became a bit closer. on the nineteenth i attended a party where i got wasted and attempted suicide. one week later, a friend who had gone to that party ended up in hospital after throwing himself off a cliff. a day after he attempted was john's birthday. i'd bought him a gift, a sentimental, inside joke that made him laugh when he opened it. i told him about the friend, and we were sure he was going to be okay. long story short, he wasn't. exactly a week after his attempt, our friend died in hospital from his injuries. there was a week at school where lessons weren't compulsory, and i spent most of this week with john rather than with my friends. this was a mistake, as i learnt, and my friends began to resent me for using this awful time to bond with my crush. that wasn't the case. john knew what i needed. john could cheer me up and hold me when i cried. i felt safe with him.

in this time, i began bonding with john's friend, robert. robert was amazing. i'd always been afraid of him; he's quite an intimidating man, but i found his soft spot quickly and we got closer. eventually, my friends pushed me away so much that i ended up spending my lunch breaks with john, robert and their friends. this was when i opened up to them about my mental health issues, and robert told me to give him my number so he could phone me later, which i did. what i got wasn't what i expected. i expected him to give me a pep talk about suicide and how it's wrong, but instead he spoke to me about his own issues with psychosis and his suppressed sides. he hasn't been diagnosed yet, but the best way i can explain it is an extreme form of rapid cycling bipolar disorder. he told me his woes and cried on the phone to me until two in the morning, then we both went to sleep. he came into school the next day wasted.

we organised to go to the cinema on that friday. just the three of us. robert brought a bottle of some alcoholic concoction and he and john drank a lot of it. i avoided the drink just because of my previous experience with drunkenness, and we began our four mile walk to the cinema.

we had to walk over a pebble beach to get there. john was 'drunk', and he had his arm around me. that was fine. the ground wasn't flat; it was difficult to walk across. he started kissing my cheek. that was fine. he was just an affectionate drunk. we walked across the bridge and he turned me around, holding my shoulders, and told me to kiss him.

my mind went blank. i stuttered something like "no. you're drunk." but he kissed me anyway. i didn't mind; it was a little victory. i just kissed a boy i'd been crushing on for five months. that was great. robert hadn't noticed that any of this had gone down, for he had run ahead to get into an abandoned sand playground. we walked together, but john's hand appeared to wander. when robert wasn't looking, john's hand would be ghosting around my ass and that made me a little uncomfortable. i'd move his hand, and he'd leave off until repeating the action twenty minutes later. i remember robert noticing at one point, but he was smashed off his face and can't recall anything from that night.

in the cinema, john and i started making out. a lot. he was feeling me up, fingering me through my jeans, the lot. i was scared and uncomfortable and i just let it happen. i let him do all of it. he had my hand and he guided it to his dick, and i had to feel him rubbing himself with my hand. i was completely dissociating the entire time. it doesn't seem traumatic, but i was petrified for a lot of reasons. i was okay with the kissing, that was fine. but i'm not someone who's comfortable with being manhandled in a cinema full of people by someone they considered one of their best friends. john wasn't drunk by this point. i knew that, and he knew that. his 'drunken' acts previously were put on, and i wasn't quite sure why.

i left later on in the night, and phoned my friend crying. i didn't tell her what happened. i told her he was handsy, but didn't give any further explanation. i excused my crying by saying i'd had a bit too much to drink and that i was emotional. i was perfectly sober. it was raining, and when my dad picked me up he was none the wiser to the tears on my face. i went home, showered, and tried to forget all of it.

in school the next monday, i tried my best to pretend that nothing ever happened with john. i acted normal with him. robert couldn't remember anything from that night. but my friendliness was negated by the fact that every time i saw john i flinched. for a week, i cried in the shower every single night and i didn't even know why. the weird thing was that the words 'sexual assault' never crossed my mind. i couldn't fathom the idea that i was a victim; i'd wanted it, hadn't i? i didn't stop him, i was just a bit uncomfortable. but that didn't explain why i couldn't think back on the occurrence without having a full-blown panic attack. the next week, robert approached me and asked about the kiss. he knew about it; john had told a couple of people who had then spread it on. i said it was fine, that i was fine, that it was just a drunken mistake. then, that night, i phoned him and told him the truth. he said he was going to sort john out, that everything was okay, that he would stop john from ever coming near me if that was what i wanted. i just wanted everything to go back to normal. later i found out that that night, robert tried to hang himself. i had tried to call him at midnight and he didn't pick up; later i found out that it was because he was lying half-dead in a puddle of his own piss. nonetheless, he came into school, spoke to me, and he spoke to john about what happened.

things went a little tits up. john messaged me after school that day and told me that he was going to kill himself to kill the monster in him. he said that he was sorry. he said that he just needed a few days to 'say goodbye'. i was speechless. i was angry. i phoned robert, who had received the same text. i couldn't believe that john was threatening suicide when he knew about the friend aforementioned, when he had held me during the funeral, when he had watched me break down repeatedly about how i wished it was me instead of him, and he was throwing it around because he wanted forgiveness.

but in all fairness, when the anger subsided, in came fear. i didn't want john to die. i phoned him, and he seemed genuine. i wanted everything to go back to normal and i told him that. he promised he wouldn't kill himself. he apologised again and again and again and i forgave him in fear. pretended we were fine. told him that all was forgotten.

i still call robert to this day crying. i still can't put into words how i feel. robert is on suicide watch now; he's getting himself fixed up. everything is going back to normal but i /still/ can't look at john, or even think about looking at john, without a rising panic building in my chest. thank you for your time.

I like to think I’m quite a good actor. Sure in school I studied drama and participated in plays, but when I look back I think I was only ever okay. Not great, but also not terrible. Back then I didn’t connect to my characters, so my portrayal was only a little better than average. We didn’t have the luxury of casting with such a small theatre group. It wasn’t the acting I was good at; there was another kind of acting I was doing. In fact we all act every day, we act a character that we connect to innately. We wear masks to conceal ourselves because it’s uncomfortable when those true selves are revealed.

Lately I’ve been finding myself in moments of revelation, I’ve felt my true self uncovered and I instantly feel apart from all those around me. I’m concerned they’ll see through to the real me. So I put my mask back on and continue to act. It’s raw and confronting, our inner selves. There are only so many emotions that are acceptable to the public eye. When these moments occur it’s like time stops and everything goes quiet. You feel a shiver shudder through your body. It’s like the colour has drained from all around you. I feel the chill of disappointment, of not living up to who I’m supposed to be. My façade is starting to seem thin and the cold is creeping through. I need to light a fire within myself but I lost my spark and now I'm not sure if even had one to begin with.

A stranger walks past, I exhale. The mask is back on and the moment is gone.

She's a long time friend I didn't speak to for years because of my own personal issues. She's married now and says she loves me too. We live far apart and couldn't afford to be together even if that's what she really wants.

I'm pretty sure this weekend I'm going to tell her I can't handle this and be done with it all. Fuck me my fucked up head and this whole bullshit

this may be long. i just need to get this out cuz its draining to hold this in. if anyone else is going through something lets talk..judgement free

since March 1st ive been out of my house about 10 times and have been dealing with a bad bout of depression and anxiety. For years ive joked with myself that if i actually was to go to a doctor i would be diagnosed with depression but im a black female..we dont get depressed...we deal.

Either way what triggered my current state was #1 i was losing the person i was dealing(thats a whole other story) with and #2 (the big one) the anniversary of my fathers 1 death was coming up.

Death has alway been hard for me to deal with and im pretty sure its whats started my battle with depression in the 1st place. A week b4 my 12th birthday my nana passed and i didnt deal with it. most of the week i was trying to console other people and when i did cry i went and hid..hell no1 tried to find me and talk so yea. i cried when i saw her body at the funeral home because holy shit she was really gone. Next time i cried was her funeral but what i remember was an aunt telling me to stop crying. Needless to say from then on ive kept my feeling to myself because well who wanted to really hear and/or deal? I became everyone else's person to talk to while going through life with no1 i felt i could lean on.

Fast forward to last year.

In February a aunt died and that hurt but it didnt directly effect me. In March i had a trip i was looking forward 2. So i get there relax and my mother calls saying that they're just trying to make my father comfortable. I broke all the way down. I didnt grow up with the man didnt know him but to say i didnt feel a complete loss is an understatement. i was never going to have that relationship(whether i wanted it or not) and i felt bad for the girl i was and for others in my situation(daddy abandonment issues). i spent the weekend with that looming over my head so i drank and enjoyed myself to the best of my ability. On the way home i got the info that he was gone and once again broke down(i was at a rest stop so i commandeered the bathroom for a lil).

When i got home i went on about life like nothing had just happened. I mentioned feeling some type of way about what happened to a friend and he just looked at me like why you mad. Bottled emotions once again. In June an uncle passed and that was my threshold of things. I was calling out of work leaving work just not giving a shit. I ended up quitting in July.

I started driving uber for money and was cool for a while because hey now im my own boss and i can do what i gotta. By october i started feeling a little blah and sat down for a little to evaluate some things and realized i never really dealt with my father death and it was starting to effect me but didnt know where to start. so i swept it under the rug again.

Since then ive been off and on ok. Ive had some really good days then some really bad days but march shit just hot the fan! i literally woke up March 1 and couldnt do shit. Ive cried damn near every day and have just felt worthless. I live with my mother( who is retired) and not once has she asked me if im ok. Instead shes asked about my damn car. so this is what 7 weeks and not one hey you good whats up etc. This has been our relationship since i could remember so i guess i should be used to it by now huh? Still hurts because honestly shes more concerned about my younger brother(always has been smh)

Ive had abandonment issues( father left when i was 4...told my nana that though my mother loved my brother more than me...nana moved away to be closer to older sister...when people cant get what they want from me i get discarded) so ive been a mess. Just wish that someone i put my effort into did the same for me. i feel so all alone.

ok ive run out of words for now

What is written below was written two years ago when I tried to find Mods for the Subreddit and still sort of cared. I do feel that it is still important for everyone to be true and real about themselves still. However I have come to the conclusion that I am not very well suited to own a subreddit that I no longer care about and am in no way helping at all?

So if anyone would lake to take over the sub pretty much, just send the word. Please follow the guidelines below on applying. I would very much like to give my sub to someone who isn't just going to do nothing with it like I did and would like to give it to someone who will actually care to write when someone actually posts here.

Even though this sub is sort of dead, which is entirely my fault. I feel that one of the reasons among others like not being an active part of the community and not really being able to relate or give advise to people that wanted it, I feel I am not really suited to take charge of this Subreddit alone. If you are interested please apply by filling out the form below and send your application to me!

How long have you been a part of the subreddit? How old are you? How often do you visit the subreddit? Have you ever been a moderator of another subreddit? If so, which ones? Do you feel like you are capable of helping manage the subreddit? Reasons? Not a requirement but do you know CSS. I'm hoping to have at least one CSS mod. Thank you again to those of you that put something into this subreddit and again I do apologize.

So is it just me or does anyone else feel a dull, aching pain in their chest when they listen to positive/motivational things? When someone smiles and are genuinely happy, it sort of borderline gives me heartburn.

I'm posting this here because I don't want to spew this on my friends, I don't want to tell it to my brother or parents or even a stranger in a bar. Actually, I want to scream, shout, cry, get in touch with myself like I was weeks ago. It's ok if you comment here or not stranger. This is something I am facing because I ignored myself for way too long.

The only time I actually opened up to someone was during my last relationship, where we both felt so comfortable to cry in front of each other, let the day's struggles come out. It was like an epiphany. I had been honest with myself for a while, completely changed my life. I went from being a fat shy kid with no friends, to being ripped and working as a model, talking to everyone just because I had found myself, I was honest to myself.

And then a couple of months ago I moved for an internship. Mentally the job was taxing, not because it was hard, no, because it was too easy and repetitive so I quit. Good decision for my mental health, way to go Schon_gut. But then I started slacking off, stopped being productive, started making excuses and didn't want to hang out with people or talk to them. I was aware it was happening but brushed it aside as having off days. Just right now I hit my breaking point. It's not a mental low, but the emotions are intense and I can't avoid it any longer.

As I'm typing this sentence right now the tears start rolling over my face again. I haven't felt this sense of relief in a while, but it still feels distant, as if I'm not letting everything through. The pain in my throat is a clear sign of that. I lost my focus, my drive and the inner me is just shouting to stop messing about. It's telling me that this isn't the real me. But I don't know why this happened, or how it came so far. With a high degree of certainty I do know, but I can't seem to tap into it.

Either way, it seems that this topic has kickstarted in me what I had long lost and I'm going to continue with it right now as it seems to be really going well. Don't forget, it's ok to cry and share your emotions, especially as a "grown ass" man.

I'm sorry if this thread is in the wrong subreddit or is using this subreddit wrongly. Mods, feel free to delete it if deemed necessary.

I can't shake the feeling I'm trying to break out of something. I feel trapped in a really small room of brick. Like my life needs to change now, or I will be this, me, for the rest of my life. This might sound hopeful, but I feel like I'm suffocating and I won't be strong enough to break out. And most of me is sick of trying to.

I don't communicate very well, no one understands when I try to explain myself because I don't have the words to explain it. Not sufficiently anyway. I try to find different people, different experiences, even though it's really hard to do being shitty at communicating. If I know enough people, I could amass enough knowledge to fix me. I haven't found anything to get me on the right track.

I've had depression since I can remember. in and out of therapy, nothing seems to work. I'm on medication now, and all it does is take away the apathy, so suddenly I feel the emotional burden I've been carrying for my whole life, and never dealt with. it's crushing.

This will either end with me getting better, or I'm going to kill myself before that happens. I'm so sick of explaining myself, holding myself back from screaming, sometimes I think I'd rather do something violent and crazy to get a point across. Then everyone would understand how I am.

and that sounds ridiculous, right? "I can't feel my feelings, so I'm gonna hurt people". I'd be like "dude, shut up" if it wasn't me. and I do that to myself anyway. I'm banging my head into a brick wall trying to cause some change. I've been having trouble getting out of bed. I'm a college student, so that's really detrimental to my success, and then I get behind and angry with myself, and hopeless that I can get on track again. I did really good on all my midterms, but don't feel good about it. I still feel like a failure because the week after I couldn't get out of bed I was so burnt out. ' I used to be able to take a bath, or take a long walk to feel better. now my body just aches, nothing quells my emotions. they're always in my chest, I feel on the verge of panic attack every time I breathe.

I think, what is causing this, how can I go about fixing it. But finding the source of a problem is really difficult, and once you do how can you even begin to confront it, or deal with it. How can someone feel their feelings? If I felt them in the moment, I think it would bring out others, and I'm scared what might happen. I don't want my friends to not like me, or be scared of me, or think I want to hurt them. I don't want to hurt anyone. I threw a pencil in a girls eye in 1st grade. I've never wanted to hurt anyone again. I felt like a monster. I could have blinded her. I'm worried I could do worse.

I'm worried my life isn't going anywhere. I feel stagnated. This is the bottom, and somehow in the past shitty 19 years, I have already peaked. I can't help to compare myself to other people. Why is it so hard for me to get. why is there so much internal resistance to my feelings, to my desires, my hopes, and dreams? I hate myself for not being what I idolize in other people. I wouldn't be happy with those attributes anyway. There would always be something that would make me better.

I don't know why I'm here. I don't truly believe advice will help. I chose to go through hell when I started this journey to be someone who is expressive and who can show love and happiness to the people around them. That's why I need to figure things out.

its funny how when I finally get the chance to open up, I can't do it.

like I'm trying to open up right now. its hard. id like to take a can opener to my skull and see if that works.

last night I cried for the first time in what felt like months. it wasn't even a proper cry. more like fifteen seconds of strangled sobs and my face crinkled up like a fucked up tomato that no one would pick at the store. i have wanted, needed to cry for months. i never can. i realized that my depression is so deeply rooted that for me, my 'crying' consists of me doing absolutely nothing with my time and sitting around feeling my thoughts and feelings straining to get through the wall of just blah.

i feel like i need to write more. i seem intent on destroying my body and my mind. i can feel the opposite of this life, like a bad storm on the horizon of another planet. i made a friend in the past 12 months which is a goddamn miracle considering the fact that my internal toxicity-of-soul levels are finally pushing through to the physical surface. the lie is my ambrosia, i pulsate within mistruth and deception.

i haven't been able to unpack my bags. i have a weighted blanket that i have snuggled with more than another human being, which aint uncommon, so yeah, im like that guy that makes a social faux pas when no ones around and it still annoys the internet. im that guy that you cant trust. im like that guy that you avoid.

i found a book of poetry that my sister wrote and gave to me, she was hoping that her beautiful way with language and eyewitness account of my absolutely botched and butchered teenage years would help her understand why i wanted to destroy everything. i stowed it away somewhere and i never read it until five days ago. some of the pages were wet and the book, already a diy concoction originating from a high school poetry elective, had sunk into terrible condition under my care. makes sense considering me.

these poems beat me up and took my money. i could feel her mind cracking through the aging, bloody ink as she surveyed me, a horrid little shitstain whose true talent was performative helplessness.

i haven't been home in years. i chained myself to a museum exhibit and dragged around a fabrication, a straight-up distortion of my story, like a mutt. i believed i wasn't at fault. i believed they were at fault. i learned to fear people like me who are ruthlessly talented at lying yet have no inclination of doing pretty much anything.

idk. its 3:30 now. i told myself i was going to get up tomorrow morning and be productive. i told myself things would change when i left california. i told myself that i knew i had been lost, but that i would look for me. i would look as hard as i could. i would put up lost me signs on telephone poles.

i would do anything to feel like i was seen and liked and heard and understood but i also want something to smack me around and make me realize something else, that no one probably cares.

Why open up and try to spread your feelings when apparently it doesn't matter to anybody else and it doesn't make sense to anybody but you yourself?

Hi. I feel like I have been completely abandoned. It has been 3 months since I have left from my native place in order to work for a company in a foreign place. I feel awkward and completely foreign here. I tried making friends but I ended up as a person on a leash and i don't like that so I try to keep out and away from these people ... I had a gang of the most greatest friends in my native place ... But i think it's all a lie because i feel that they don't want to communicate with me. They never text back when I text them nor text at all and never they never pick up my calls, even on their day off.... I am trying reiki and other arts of meditation and prayers during my free time but I end up having breakdowns.... At work i keep making mistakes and feel demotivated because I am trying so hard to survive and work my first job in this particular field .... Now i don't like to work in that department..... I can't leave due to the 2 year contract and financial issues.... I don't know what to do... I am scared and alone.

For as long as I can remember, i have been struggling to feel things. For some reason people can;t accept that I can't feel like they do. Honestly this irritates me, because what's so wrong with no feeling?Why do I have to cry at my grandmother's funeral? Why is that mandatory? And since I don't people think I'm the emotionless piece of shit, I do have emotions I just don't express them the way most people do. I'm just tired of people treating me like an asshole because I just can't feel the same way they do.

I have one guy who I know in this area, and he obviously only wants to hang out with the "cool" guys. We're both in our late 20's but he is still concerned with "cool" factor. Yet I'm sitting here trying to be real and myself. That leaves me by myself, alone. No one to talk to. I don't know how to make friends either and I'm afraid to because they always stop hanging out with me. I've tried being "cool". I've tried buying friendships, by buying them food and stuff when we go out.

I feel like I'm at a point where I should accept not having friends. But I just have this void in my soul. I want friends but no friends want me. I know I'm awkward but I'm like, the nicest guy ever. I'm a giver. I like to see people happy. No one even wants my generosity. Add all of this to my depression, back pain, financial struggles, and I'm just tired of treading water every day, going nowhere but here. I completely understand loneliness.

I'm just so fucking tired of it all. Tired of working a minimum wage job. Tired of the fogginess the meds cause. Tired of always being strapped for cash. Tired of hiding behind cutting and drinking. Tired of my life.

I feel nothing regularly. I just want it all to stop. I want there to be a guilt free opt out of life choice. This isn't something I signed up for and it's fucking shit.

I can't help anyone I love, I just have to be there and know how fucking useless I am. I can't help myself.

I went from being unemployed and on benefits, living with family at 27, to moving out with my partner and working full time. I felt so good about it at the time, but right now I just feel like life is a succession of wanting, getting, then realising it's not enough. It's never enough.

I'm sorry. I realise I sound like a 17 year old. I've just been bottling this stuff up because I can't talk to my partner about this, she's going through enough, and because I'm embarrassed that at my age I'm still so childish.

I've never maintained an extended intimate relationship with anybody, and it's always made me feel alienated from the people surrounding me. Ever since I was a young, extremely-ADD kid, I've always felt different from everybody. Growing up, I had absolutely no emotional support of any kind. I never felt that I was important enough for anybody to have to listen to my feelings. Talking about my feelings never made me feel comfortable.

Fast forward to today, I'm immersed in an ever-increasingly intimate friendship in which I feel confident and comfortable sharing mostly anything; this has resulted in only one person in this world knowing 95% of my personal beliefs, opinions, and thoughts of those around me. It doesn't feel like enough, however. I've always struggled with jealousy resulting from comparing my life to the lives of those around me; this has resulted in belittling myself, always telling myself I'm not good enough.

I'm trying to get closer to those who care about me, however I'm very afraid of losing people in my life. It's almost as if I have a magical ability for pushing away those who are closest to me. How can I continue to get closer to my almost-SO without doing/saying too much?

Hello all! Like i said i cant cry, i push myself hard to cry but only few tears and thats it, i really want to cry like im having a breakdown but i just cant idk why. Ive been under lots of stress and some personal problems and i want to let them go but i just cant?! I open some sad music, i think about sad things etc but only few tears nothing more. Please help