When I started getting intentional about my screen time a year ago, I thought I had it figured out. The holy grail: delete Instagram, log out of TikTok, uninstall a bunch of apps, and voilà—freedom from the dopamine doom-scroll.

I was ready to ascend into productivity nirvana.

And for a while, it felt like it worked. But then something funny happened: the time I thought I was reclaiming didn’t feel any more valuable.

Instead of scrolling Instagram, I was refreshing my email like a soulless corporate drone. Instead of Twitter, it was digging through my camera roll fiending for hits of nostalgia.

Cutting distractions didn’t solve the problem. It just made my brain get creative with how to waste time.

This is exactly why most New Year’s resolutions fail. People set big goals like “exercise more” or “read every day,” but they don’t build the habits or systems needed to support them.

The same applies to reducing screen time.

Yes, the apps are addictive. Yes, they’re engineered specifically to exploit our psychological hardwiring.

But blaming the apps is like blaming a donut for making you fat. Sure, they’re part of the problem, but the root runs deeper.

At its core, your over-dependence on tech is a habit problem. And habits don’t magically disappear when you delete an app or shove your phone in a drawer.

They re-emerge—often in subtler ways you don’t even notice.

Here’s the hard truth: it’s not just the tech. It’s you.

And if you want to fix your relationship with screens, the answer isn’t in your phone settings or an app blocker. It starts with your calendar.

Time, like money, needs a budget. You have to give your time a job. Decide in advance where it should go. Time isn’t just a resource. It’s the raw material for everything you’ll ever create.

This is where Parkinson’s Law comes in: “Work expands to fill the time available for its completion.”

But this doesn’t just apply to work. It applies to everything. When our days are unstructured, the time we spend scrolling expands to fill the empty gaps.

This is the reason a quick check of Instagram can so easily turn into 1.5 hours of mindless doom scrolling if you aren’t careful.

This is also why real trick to reducing screen time isn’t just freeing up time—it’s intentionally redirecting it to one or two meaningful pursuits.

I personally live and die by the Rocks and Pebbles framework: Start with the big rocks—your most important priorities. Then, add the pebbles—secondary tasks. Finally, pour in the sand—the small, inconsequential stuff. If you reverse the order—sand first, then pebbles, then rocks—you’ll never fit everything in.

Most people live their lives with sand pouring in constantly. Social media notifications, news headlines, TikTok, Instagram—all digital sand. The result? No room for the rocks.

The antidote is deceptively simple: schedule your life. Not in a psychotic “every minute must be optimized” kind of way (nobody needs a calendar invite for “crying in the shower”), but enough to ensure your rocks and pebbles are locked in first.

And once those are in place, something interesting happens: the sand shrinks.

For me, the rocks are health, business, and relationships.

• Health & Wellness: My workouts are scheduled like meetings with myself. Exercise gets blocked out every morning or on weekends.
• Business: Deep work sessions dominate my mornings. These are uninterrupted hours I dedicate to creating content, tackling big projects, and making progress on long-term goals.
• Relationships: Calls, meetups, and time with people I care about are non-negotiable. I don’t leave relationships to chance—they’re built into the structure of my week.

Next come the pebbles—the activities that bring joy and balance but aren’t mission critical.

• Weekly pickleball matches or golf lessons
• Spanish lessons
• Watching sports
• Other hobbies and leisure that recharge me

Only then do I leave room for the sand. Scrolling Reddit, catching up on emails, even zoning out for a bit—it all happens. But it’s intentional.

Sometimes I’ll even block time for that so that I know that my scroll time is timebound.

And because I’ve already taken care of my rocks and pebbles, I can do it guilt-free.

Some people might look at my calendar and think it looks extreme. Color-coded, time-blocked, packed.

But it’s not busywork. It’s purpose. And when you live with that kind of intention, something magical happens.

You start to feel a sense of accomplishment, even on days when you don’t cross off everything on your to-do list.

Why? Because your priorities are clear, and you’re acting in alignment with them.

More importantly, the relationship with your screens starts to shift. You’re not fighting them anymore. You’re working with them, using your calendar as a tool to design the life you actually want to live.

So here's my challenge to you...

As we head into 2025, take a hard look at your time. Start by setting a goal—not just to reduce your screen time, but to reinvest it in something meaningful.

Decide where that time is going to go and block it off in your calendar. Track it so that you can actively see the time transfer and the impact it’s having on your life.

Pick one rock to focus on this week. Maybe it’s your health, your relationships, or a project you’ve been meaning to tackle. Block out the time for it, no matter how small. Then, add in one pebble—a hobby or activity that brings you joy.

And leave a little space for the sand. You’re not aiming for perfection, just progress.

Give it a week. See how it feels. If nothing else, you’ll have a pretty calendar.

The jar is yours to fill. Make it count—or don’t. Just don’t blame the sand when your rocks don’t fit.

p.s. -- this is an excerpt from my weekly column about how to build healthier, more intentional tech habits. Would love to hear your feedback on other posts.

I’d like to share an app I built called InspireEachDay. It’s something I created to help people take a small moment for themselves and feel more connected to their emotions. Here’s what you get:

• Personalized Quotes: Select a mood, and the app provides a daily quote specifically related to the mood you’ve chosen;
• Rate Quotes: Reflect on whether a quote resonated with you, helping you identify which moods you tend to find quotes most helpful or impactful;
• Favorite Quotes: You can save quotes that you relate to the most, to your favorites;
• No Ads.

For those looking for more, a subscription unlocks additional features for a reasonable price:

• Quote Archive: Access all the quotes you’ve received and revisit your saved favorites anytime.
• See Favorites Again: With a subscription, you can receive your favorite quotes again, giving you the chance to come across them naturally again. Otherwise, every quote appears only once.
• Mood Analytics: Gain insights with tools like a mood calendar, progress bars, and charts to track how you’ve been feeling over time.

My hope is that it helps anyone looking for a little motivation in their daily lives. I’d love to hear your thoughts and feedback. Thanks for taking the time to read this!

Feel free to check it out here: https://apps.apple.com/app/inspireeachday/id6739549216

Lesson 7: Growth Begins at the Edge of Your Comfort Zone

“As I was wrapping up my fourth and final year of undergrad, I came across an opportunity to learn French at a Québecois university. Although I was never too interested in the French language, the chance to live for five weeks in Québec intrigued me.

French was a mandatory course from grades 4-9 in Ontario, but after all those years, I still couldn’t speak the language. My fondest memory from French class was eating dry Oreo cookie shells as my teacher in elementary school always had a full bag of them.

In grade 10, I took French as an elective, thinking maybe if I stuck with it a little longer, it would grow on me. Spoiler alert: it didn’t. I found the subject boring, and honestly, I couldn’t see the necessity of learning a third language. Consequently, I decided to discontinue my French studies after that year, and it remained a thing of the past for many years to come.”

—

Fast forward six to eight years, I not only learned French in the Explore program at Trois-Rivières and Jonquière (two Quebec cities), but also fell in love with the language. It pushed me far beyond my comfort zone, and I even landed a summer job in Baie-Saint-Paul, Quebec helping other students learn French!

Two years later, I was offered a position as a bilingual French-English biology teacher at a high school in Paris. Although I had to cancel that contract due to COVID, it was still incredible to know that my level of French opened the door to such an opportunity!

To continue reading about the benefits and importance of expanding your comfort zone, grab your copy of “30 Lessons I Learned Before 30” on your local Amazon! 📖

(All book sale profits are going to schools in Mozambique and Malawi.)

Relationship skills really matter; given this, it’s hard to believe how little they are taught.

Most kids learn to relate to others through observation and practice. Sure, you were told to play nicely, share, and treat others well, but you get almost nothing else. Worse, this minimal advice doesn’t work that well when you are a child. You can avoid bullying while being nice, but it usually involves being atypically advanced socially.

Our point is that most people learn to relate to others alone. Despite this, most people turn out reasonably well. Still, almost everyone reaches adulthood with one or more glaring errors, and many of these are crippling. There is a good chance you have only one flaw from the list below, but it is worth reading through all the others to find and fix it.

The quickest way to fix these childhood weaknesses is to go through common mistakes and ask yourself if this flaw applies to you. It is very easy to assume none do. If you are overconfident or bad at accepting faults, ask someone honest to do this with you. It may be hard to hear, but fixing these issues is worth it.

Mistake 1: Not asking enough questions. Many people never ask any at all.

My partner and I live in two different countries for part of the year, which means we commonly meet friends or family after several months apart. Most of our friends are intelligent and sociable. Most of them have plenty of friends, yet many of the people we know will ask no questions about what we’ve done during this time apart.

Failing to ask questions can have a significant impact. It makes individuals seem disinterested and means conversations often revolve around them. While many have developed strengths to compensate, these strengths would be amplified — not diminished — if they also engaged by asking questions.

Also, you’d better be gorgeous if you want to date long-term without asking questions.

Mistake 2: Breaking the core rules of relationships.

While the first mistake is the most common, this one matters the most.

There are two contenders to be the most important rule:

The first is the universally known “Treat others as you’d have them treat you.”

While some dating guides may suggest otherwise, the idea that being kind is detrimental is incorrect. You want to attract a partner and friends who will treat you well — and believe us, they do, too.

Negative perceptions of nice behavior often stem from encountering those who are kind but flawed, which leads to the two being conflated. It’s not kindness itself that’s problematic, but traits like being dull, repetitive, lacking strong opinions, avoiding controversy, being obsequious, never disagreeing, or appearing needy by seeking excessive approval or attention.

Many grow up making jokes at the expense of others. Many men especially feel they have to do this and even that their friends like this. Banter is good, right? It can be, but only if you don’t screw it up. Many people’s banter is simply insulting, and as a result, most people would be much more popular if they were kinder to their friends. It only takes one lost friend to counterbalance any advantage banter has.

Commonly, people are cruel by accident. They simply don’t notice that something they say is mean, and needless to say, if you can fix this, you will be a lot more popular.

The second rule is to make yourself and others feel as good as possible. You must sacrifice for relationships, but they should rarely make you miserable. If you do many things you don’t want to do for someone, it is well worth checking that this is correct.

Both of these rules have some exceptions, but these exceptions are rare. Whenever you break one of them, it is worth seeing if you screwed up.

Mistake 3: Lack of effort. The most common way to lose a friend is not conflict but laziness. If you never contact someone or invite them to things, you rely on their effort. Often, this means you’ll slowly drift apart.

We suggest you prepare for frequently occurring conversations in advance. Preparing for a conversation may seem forced. Most people, though, are comfortable practicing what to say for a job interview, sales pitch, business presentation, or speech; if you observe people who are well prepared for these, you should notice that they seem less forced. The same is true of planned conversations.

When you prepare a conversation, your goal should never be to follow an exact script. More like an interview, you should have answers to common questions such as, “What do you do?” you should have questions to ask and know what purposes you are working toward. It’s also good to have a supply of high-quality stories and jokes, especially those that link well to common or important conversations or the questions you plan to use.

As you’d expect, it is best to prepare for frequently occurring conversations, such as introductions, or significant ones, such as dating, especially online dating, where similar scenarios recur constantly.

Mistake 4: Poor listening. Listening is not just an absence of speech; active listening is a skill everyone should learn. To be above average, you don’t need much; just prompt people to continue, focus on what they say, and ensure that you speak proportionally to the number of people in a conversation. Speaking way too much is one of the most common flaws.

Mistake 5: Lack of humor. It is common to hear that humor is the most desirable trait. I rate it lower, but whatever your view, humor matters. Still, countless people are never intentionally funny.

Those who are good at telling jokes don’t get away entirely. Humor is often initially learned as a defense mechanism or to cover up other social flaws. If you are great at making others laugh, it may be worth asking yourself if those other flaws are still present.

Mistake 6: Never studying relationships

Many people spend thousands of hours studying for their careers, but almost none study relationships. If you value something, study it.

Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People is, in my view, the best personal development book of all time. Although the advice sometimes seems obvious, very few people follow all his suggestions.

Mistake 7: Lack of Communication

People do not read minds. Unless you have specifically told someone how you feel or how something affects them, it is best to assume they don’t know. Assuming that they do will lead to severe problems. Even people with the best empathy skills will sometimes make mistakes.

Many people avoid meaningful conversations and confrontations. Unless someone realizes when they do something that upsets you, they will likely keep doing it. In most cases, you will need to tell them. Failure to do this is one of the main ways long-term relationships end. If you let resentment build up to the point you explode at someone or feel you need to cut them out, that is on you (at least after reading this).

While you will often naturally align with your partner, there will be areas where you should correct your assumptions. Discussion can bring significant positive change and deepen your understanding of each other. Trying to avoid disagreement entirely is a big mistake!

While openly discussing minor issues may not always be necessary, it unlocks pathways for growth. Considerable differences eventually demand attention, often surfacing amidst heated arguments or when damage has already occurred.

Other important relationship mistakes

Some other common mistakes:

• Smelling bad or doing something glaring that causes people to avoid you.
• Being negative: negativity is often draining. There is a big difference between asking someone to change something and complaining.
• Lacking empathy. Do you do anything that would annoy you?
• Simply avoiding people by staying in all the time or declining invites.
• Forcing through topics that your audience has shown bore them.
• Assuming the worst of others.

Once done with the basics, the next step is to work on how interesting you are. No one will ever tell you to be more interesting, as it is insulting. Regardless, the world’s most interesting person worked hard on this skill to get there. Learning to be more interesting implies nothing about your starting point.

Learning to tell stories well is the best starting point. Some people can make a trip to the grocery store gripping, and others can make a trip around the world deathly dull. When telling stories conversationally, the core skills are learning which interesting details to impart and, ideally, sharing your emotional reactions. After all, relationships come down to how you make people feel!

How to Form New Relationships

Keeping existing friends is more valuable than finding new ones, but both genuinely matter. Making friends is much easier if you first fix the mistakes we’ve listed above.

If you socialize a lot outside work and are still struggling to make friends, the solution almost always involves returning to the basics we outlined earlier. In addition, consider what motivates you and how you appear to others. While obvious, asking people you connect with to do follow-up activities can matter. Sometimes, the missing step is not asking to meet again. If all this fails and you can afford a coach, consider it.

Life often rewards those who use the simplest effective method, and forging friendships is no exception — especially if you find social situations challenging. It’s easier to befriend people when you do something you would choose to do anyway and with people like yourself. It is difficult, for example, for an older person to form a friendship with someone much younger without a natural setting, such as working together.

If you travel alone, hostels are a great way to make friends. The website and app Meetup are also great. Additionally, Toastmasters International is great for building confidence and is another good way to meet others.

Making friends and finding a partner are similar; everything we’ve discussed still applies. The feared friend zone is overhyped. It typically happens when someone does not find you attractive, you never share your interest, or they are already interested in someone else. Worry only if this occurs repeatedly.

If you like someone, let them know! Few men get asked out, so it is especially effective to ask them. Many are also terrible at picking up on signals that may seem obvious. Being direct can be embarrassing, but it is often the best way.

Few people think well of learning how to date (from methods other than real-life experience). Ignore this view; studying dating is especially valuable.

Dating resources vary in quality; those extensively discussing manners, what to wear, and manipulative techniques should generally be skipped.

Online dating is well set up to teach you a range of skills. The early stages of online dating are very similar each time. You can quickly discover what potential partners dislike or find attractive by varying photos and conversation strategies. Lessons learned here can extend well beyond dating.

Free dating sites are generally cheaper and better, mainly because few people use paid ones. Initially, your goal should be to attract as many people as possible, as this allows you to practice. Eventually, you are better served by a profile that broadly attracts people you are interested even if it deters others.

Marketing and self-knowledge are the main areas of expertise needed to build a profile. As a result, marketing or sales resources can help as much as dating guides. For example, Seth Godin’s Purple Cow is especially relevant. The core idea is that a purple cow stands out. Many people get rapidly bored when dating online, and standing out in some way is critical. Note that if everyone copies an idea, it ceases to be remarkable.

When dating, aim to paint a picture of yourself in an attractive but honest light that, as mentioned, makes you stand out. Use professional or high-quality photos that have ideally been selected by a friend or family member of the same sex and sexual orientation as the person you want to attract. Your photos should ideally express aspects of your personality. People will assume you like what your pictures show. You can even show traits such as bravery, kindness, or humor with well-selected photos.

What you write matters despite the widespread belief that it doesn’t. Writing nothing, something with an error, something truly inane, or being negative all reduce the quantity and quality of prospects. You can also stand out positively through writing, but photos and being error-free matter more.

The next stage of online dating involves sending messages. People often stop talking or pause much longer after a response that didn’t hit the mark. While highly erratic, this feedback is some of the best you can get on your social skills without a coach.

If possible, transition swiftly to a call. Calls are low-risk, as the app should support them without giving away personal details. Don’t be afraid to end calls once you lose interest. Being fast rarely makes a rejection worse, but it does save both people time.

When aiming to meet romantic partners in real life, the essential beginner tip is to check for a wedding ring. Ideally, identify a meeting place where people you would like to meet are likely to frequent. We’d advise against going somewhere you don’t want to be to meet people. Almost anywhere can work: museums, bookstores, coffee shops, dance classes, bars, or nightclubs, for example, but if you hate it, it will typically show. You can be strategic if you live in the right place; a nearby bar just after the end of a musical is likely an excellent place to meet women, and the same is true after most sporting events for men.

People will increasingly try to set you up with dates as you become more successful. Also, travel is worth a mention. Being unusual is attractive, and people are often more open to strangers when traveling themselves. Travel usually comes with the complications of a long-distance relationship.

The resource that helped me the most was David DeAngelo’s Interviews with Dating Gurus. While his other material is less good, his interview series with several dating experts should, at the very least, identify another expert who offers valuable advice. Unlike most of our recommendations, this is not universally applicable as it is aimed at heterosexual men. It’s also the most expensive guide we recommend in this book. A more widely applicable and less costly guide is the excellent How to Not Die Alone by Logan Ury.

Thanks for reading. My book, Optimizing Life, can be read for free here

Topics covered: Prioritization and Planning

“Work smarter, not harder” is meaningless without practical help; this article attempts to provide that help. Working smarter requires thought. If done well, you should reclaim significantly more time than you spend thinking. People who work hard but seem slow or unproductive often do not spend enough time planning.

Planning

When you plan at work, you are looking to save money by:

• Ensure tasks are done by whoever is best suited. This could involve assigning tasks to whoever can do them cheapest, least busy, or best at them.
• Cancelling or minimizing tasks and meetings that don’t matter.
• Optimizing processes: for example, by removing unnecessary steps. Generally, in commonly repeated tasks.
• Stopping delays, for example, by clearing blocks, such as a staff member who can’t work on a task because they don’t need an item. Alternatively, someone who will be overloaded and can’t work.

If the obvious path is not always correct, it makes sense to plan your actions.

Planning is mainly about asking yourself questions. The most crucial question is: should I do this task? To answer this, consider if it should be:

• It is your top priority (if not, you may not need to consider it until it is).
• Given to someone else.

Knowing when to give tasks to others is one of the most valuable skills. A skill that, when done well, should make you rich and save you lots of time. Generally, you should only work on tasks where the costs of organizing someone else outweigh the benefits. If a task is not rapid, one you excel at, one you enjoy, or one where you cannot locate a cost-effective alternative, it should be outsourced.

Next, consider, “What matters?” or “Why am I doing this task?”

For example, are you doing this task to please your boss, to earn money, or for fun? Note that there can be several reasons. If you can’t devise a good reason to do a task, you can discard it. Doing this can also help shave off pointless requirements.

When you know what matters, you can maximize that element. For many factory tasks, the goals are speed, safety, and minimizing waste. Pick one of those elements and ask yourself how to achieve it best. Some ideas will be unrealistic and fanciful, but several will likely be easily achievable.

When making a video game, you could design with a focus on a skill players use to play it. What does the most social game possible look like? What about the game requiring the most dexterity? If you do this, you will often see why many existing ideas are successful. Fortnight(dexterity), Starcraft(multitasking), Among Us(social deduction), Sonic the Hedgehog(reactions), Chess(intelligence), and World of Warcraft (coordination with others) are examples of this. Other examples could maximize emotions such as fear, sadness, or awe.

Many people are terrible at working on large projects. If you have a sizeable project, there are several things you should consider. Even more so with large projects, you should ensure they are worth doing well or at all and who should do each part.

Can you split it up to make it easier to manage? Be careful when doing this, especially when many people will work on it, as it is easy for them to be unaware of the context.

Some other examples of things to consider include:

• Is everything in place to do all the steps in this task?
• How long will it take?
• What is the first step?
• Is the task commonly repeated? If so, how can I make it more efficient?
• What risks are there?
• What does failure or success look like?
• How quickly the project can be completed?
• What can be done concurrently?
• Do you have underutilized resources?

Another part of planning is prioritization.

Prioritization

Most people loosely prioritize or at least do what their boss is pressing for the most. There are several benefits of explicit prioritization:

• It is a good way to determine which projects should be greenlit, minimized, or canceled.
• If you have a boss, you can occasionally show them your list. If they don’t agree to it, it will be quickly fixed. If they do agree and a lower-priority task remains uncompleted, you can easily explain why.
• It is a great way to determine when to hire. If you have vital tasks that you or your boss never get to, this strongly indicates that hiring is overdue. This evidence is one of the best ways to highlight the need for hiring.
• It can highlight when you may act against your best interests. Many people receive a new task and start working on it regardless of its importance. Overspending can provide a more blatant example. If you are a compulsive spender, it is much easier to stop yourself if you consciously decide what you value beforehand.
• It allows you to communicate and minimize upsetting others. If you know a project is unlikely to be completed, you can tell the person who asked you to do it and visually explain why. Be careful how you do this; some will not take it well. It is, however, almost always better to communicate than to ignore someone. This can also drive hiring.

To efficiently prioritize:

1. List items
2. Quickly mark any you will definitely do or will definitely not do. There is no need to prioritize these.
3. Prioritize those that remain. To do this, see the next section.

The main things you will want to prioritize are time and money. Usually, you should also separate work and personal time. You should also prioritize what you study next.

Prioritizing who to spend time on may seem mean, though prioritizing merely makes the choice conscious. In addition, you could decide who you message or do something nice for daily, weekly, monthly, etc.

Thanks for reading. My book, Optimizing Life, can be read for free here

To help out this community I am giving away free lifetime versions of the habit tracking app Disciplined.

Disciplined won the award for Best App of 2024 and has helped hundreds of thousands of people all around the world.

You can get the prime for free if you go to settings, tap app version three times and then enter the code "JOY" in the field.

A big help would be if you search for the app using "habit tracker" keyword, scroll down until you find "Disciplined" and then install it. I am testing if this kind of thing would help the app rank higher for that.

AppStore: https://apps.apple.com/search?term=habit+tracker
Google Play: https://play.google.com/store/search?q=habit%20tracker&c=apps

Without delving too much into specifics, fear and self-doubt are driving me to quit things. For instance, I want to build a career and excel in field "A," but I lack confidence in my ability to succeed. I feel that if I pursue something easier, I might have a better chance of succeeding. At the same time, I can't bring myself to quit field "A" because I fear I'll regret it later. However, if I don't quit, I worry that I’ll be wasting time that could have been spent pursuing an easier path to build a career. I’m terrified of failure.

Hey there, I just hit 90 days sober from fentanyl and have been at somewhat of a crossroads. Oddly enough you would think by this point things would be easier but I still often go through a phase of three or more days where I feel like I did in the absolute beginning of withdrawal.

I have been looking for a group similar to NA or AA that does not use a Judeo-Christian religious lens in regards to treatment. I am native American and genuinely feel uncomfortable in these situations because I feel as though using addiction support groups to try and get people to be more religious is honestly very ethically ambiguous.

At the end of the day it is just a branch of missionary work and it makes me feel unwelcome because of the brutalities both Catholics and Christians have inflicted upon my people.

Do you guys know any support groups that do not utilize a religious lens in regards to treatment? I at one point found one that is based on Buddhist and Hindu philosophy, but it was mainly based off of a book called refuge recovery. Anytime I would join the meetings it looked more like a book club than an addiction support group.

Are there any groups that do not use any form of religiosity in order to treat addiction? Can you guys point me in the right direction? Nothing to disrespect anyone's faith, totally respect what you believe, just feel uncomfortable doing a religious support group due to like generational trauma, need something to help :)

Edit: I used voice to text for this, so the wording/grammar might be a little bit off. I hope it's legible.

Lesson 6: Experiences > Material Things

“As a young girl, I loved collecting things. I had a collection for everything I obsessed over, whether it was jewellery, dolls, lead pencils, stickers, purses, lip balm, coins or even a plethora of SpongeBob paraphernalia. Moderation certainly wasn’t on my mind back then. At one point, I proudly proclaimed to my friends that I had gathered a staggering 110 items featuring SpongeBob characters.

So, where are all these treasures now? With the exception of my coin collection, which still rests on my shelf, everything else has vanished over time. Some were lost when we moved homes, others were given away, and many found their eternal resting place in the trash bin. While having a collection can be an enjoyable and meaningful experience, the initial joy of any purchase tends to diminish over time.

Think about some of your past purchases and consider whether they still bring you as much joy as when you first bought them. Probably not. Personally, for 90% of my possessions, I doubt I would even notice their absence if they were to go missing. This made me realize that material things don’t make me as happy as I once believed.

So, what brings me more happiness?”

—

The answer is experiences and personal growth. I think this is why I'm drawn to minimalism. I have very few material possessions I truly care about, but my experiences of travelling, learning, and doing new activities with people I love are the moments I cherish.

The catalyst for this mindset shift was my high school Europe band trip through four countries. To read on, grab your copy of “30 Lessons I Learned Before 30” on your local Amazon! 📖

(All book sale profits are going to schools in Mozambique and Malawi.)

Im 25 and reached all my life goals. I have my dream job and get paid well. I bought my dream home. I have built my dream gaming room.

I have been saving money since i was about 5 and have saved and worked hard all my life, with school and work.

Now im not sure what to do. I work from home with my job. But i have bad anxiety when leaving the house. Im honestly not sure what to do now. My goal was always to get my dream house and job which i have done at a young age

Every day now feels the same. again i love my job. but i feel like im a npc at this point and im not sure what my purpose in life is.

I feel like i need a next big goal, not something small. Once i put my mind to something i do everything until i reach that goal.

Whatever scares is or what that you have been putting off because of anxiety or that fear is where lies your growth. If you overcome that life gets so much better. Not only will you feel good but confidence and self belief will increase. But my question is how do you take actions. How do you accept the fact that you're simply scared to face your fears. I'm tired of living in this rut for countless of years. When I rewind my life, I just realized I have so much regrets and feeling extremely overwhelmed that I've lost so much of my life and valuable time doing nothing but allowing fear to win.

Im tired of putting titles in my head like oh I'm not good enough, I'm just not strong, I don't think I can do it. I lack th skills and confidence.

Lesson 5: Finding Happiness in Moderation

“Just one more slice of pizza. Just one more hour of work. Just one more…just one more…

There was a time when I believed that the more I had of something I loved, the happier I would become. Yet, indulging in that extra slice of pizza can turn into nausea, and pushing that extra hour of work can lead to exhaustion. The marginal returns of pursuing more of a seemingly good or enjoyable thing can take an unexpected negative turn.

A surplus of money can lead to the stress of managing it. An excessive workload can lead to burnout. Too much fun can leave us feeling numb and yearning for something more thrilling. Too much exercise can take a toll on our bodies. Astonishingly, even something as vital as water, when consumed in excess, can have deadly consequences in the form of water toxicity.

To live a happy and peaceful life requires balance as a cornerstone. Mastering the art of moderation allows us to steer clear of life’s extremes and maintain a sense of self-control. Whether it’s money, food, exercise, fun, it all should be managed in a way that optimizes the benefits without damaging our physical and mental health.

Living a life of moderation is a big challenge today because much of our world is saturated with excess. The ads we see in virtually every direction we look entice us into the endless chase of wealth, status, fun, and material possessions. In our relentless pursuit for more, we often overlook the joys of the present moment. Most disheartening of all is often when we finally reach the pinnacle of our desires, we are only met with an unexpected sense of emptiness.”

—

Learning to live a life of moderation means I'm better able to enjoy the simple things in life, like taking a hike in nature, playing a game of Scrabble, or indulging in a good book. I'm no longer waiting to reach my next goalpost to allow myself to be happy.

Happiness is wanting what you already have while also growing and progressing in meaningful ways. That balance between being content with the present moment and striving for improvement (avoiding either extremes of complacency and perfectionism) is, to me, what moderation is all about.

To read more, grab a copy of “30 Lessons I Learned Before 30” on your local Amazon! 📖

5 Year Single after a 9 Year relationship: Why I don’t regret it and why being single is the best to find yourself

It’s been 5 years since I separated from my ex-husband, and when people find out that I’m still single after all this time, their reactions range from confusion to outright shock. "You're attractive, why are you still alone?" is one of the most common questions I get. It often makes me pause and reflect, especially considering my past relationship.

I was 18 when we got together, and I spent nine years with him. Emotionally, mentally, and sometimes physically, that relationship took a toll on me. The control, the emotional manipulation, the constant feeling of not being enough – it drained me to the point where I lost all belief in myself. Leaving was the best decision I’ve ever made, but it wasn’t easy, and it took a long time to get there.

What I’ve learned, though, is that it’s not about rushing into another relationship just because society expects you to. I spent the first few years post-divorce wondering if I should “finally find someone,” but eventually I realized: True healing comes from within. And sometimes, that means being alone to rediscover who you truly are.

It was a long process of accepting myself again, learning to love myself, and building trust – not just in others, but in myself. I’ve learned that I don’t have to be “complete” to be loved; I am already enough, just as I am. That realization is incredibly freeing, even though it was difficult to accept at first. Being single has allowed me to understand more clearly what I want in a future relationship – and just as importantly, what I don’t want.

I’m not actively looking for a new relationship. I trust that the right person, someone who truly understands me and resonates with me on a deeper level, will eventually come into my life – and that will be the moment I’m ready. Until then, I’ll continue working on myself, pursuing my passions, and living my life fully.

I’ve let go of the pressure to fit into the “normal” mold – there’s no set age when you’re supposed to find “the one.” We have to learn to love ourselves and understand that relationships aren’t the only path to fulfillment. True love means loving not just others, but also ourselves.

I hope this post offers a bit of hope and clarity to someone who’s going through a tough relationship or is in a similar situation to mine. Sometimes the best decision you can make is not to search for love, but to focus on healing and loving yourself first.

The Origin Story

Inspired by Rob Dyrdek's "Rhythm of Existence" philosophy, this system has been expanded into a comprehensive life management tool featuring habit tracking, journaling, life statistics, and more. While I support entrepreneurs creating premium productivity apps, I believe self-improvement should never have financial barriers. That’s why this system is open source and free—no paywalls, premium features, or gatekeeping. Anyone can use it to start optimizing their life, ensuring accessibility for all.

How to Get Started

Two ways to access the system:

HuggingFace Version (Recommended)
- Visit Severian/Potential-Made-Simple
- Create a free HuggingFace account if needed.
- Duplicate the space to create your private version.
- Pro tip: Save it as a PWA for offline mobile use.

Google Sheets Version*
- Ideal for spreadsheet users or those avoiding new accounts.
- Access it https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1O2R0TCp0t27VZJuvkrz_gMJAl-nkwqeVyL3i6pN7aCo/edit?usp=sharing
- Save a copy and start tracking.

Features Beyond ROE

- Habit tracking
- Daily journaling with prompts
- Life statistics and visualizations
- Task management
- Meal tracking
- Progress metrics
- Historical data analysis
- And more!

Supporting the Project (Optional)

This system is free and always will be. If you find value in it, you can support my work at https://www.ko-fi.com/severian42. Contributions are entirely optional and don’t unlock extra features—they’re simply a way to say thanks.

Even if you’re moving forward slowly, you’re still making progress. Don’t compare yourself to others, just focus on your own path. Every small step brings you closer to where you want to be, and that’s what matters. Keep going,you’re closer than you think!

I’m so tired at this point like fed up watching positive videos on self-improvement and reading articles trying to find the why to my problems and clarity. I know deep down that it’s all on me. My future, happiness, health and success all depends on me. I guess life simple motto is if you don’t do anything to change your situation don’t expect magic miracles to happen. But at the same time, there are so many people have been lucky in a way. They were able to land dream job or perfect relationship. Some have taken shortcuts and became successful meanwhile others did the right thing yet life didn’t reward them. And you ask yourself what am I supposed to do.

Discover how to unlock more Flow State in your life using the PERMA model and your Signature Strengths. Learn how to boost well-being, performance, and happiness by mastering the Flow State.

Have you ever been so absorbed in an activity that you lost track of time, you had complete mental focus, and felt deeply satisfied afterward? If so, you were likely experiencing peak performance. Flow State is one of the most powerful states for wellbeing and productivity.

Ready to dive in?

In this article, we’ll explore Flow State from the perspective of the Positive Psychology’s cornerstone: the PERMA model (Positive emotions, positive Engagement, positive Relationships, positive Meaning, and positive Accomplishments), a framework for flourishing developed by positive psychology pioneer Martin Seligman. Specifically, we'll focus on Positive Engagement—the "E" in PERMA—and how aligning your life with your Signature Strengths can increase Flow State and boost your overall wellbeing.

So, What Is Flow State?

Flow State is that sweet spot where challenge meets skill. It’s an optimal state of intense focus, sharp concentration, and effortless action. When you’re in Flow State, nothing else matters, and the activity itself becomes deeply rewarding. Athletes, artists, and high-performers often describe this state as being “in the zone.”

Flow State is not just a fleeting moment of happiness—it’s a gateway to peak performance and fulfilment. By experiencing more Flow State in your daily life, you can improve your mental wellbeing, create meaningful accomplishments, and even leave a lasting legacy.

Positive Engagement and the PERMA Model

In the PERMA model, Positive Engagement refers to the experiences that fully absorb us—activities that immerse us in the present moment and align with our natural strengths. Flow State is the essence of this kind of engagement, and it can be found in work, relationships, leisure, and other meaningful activities.

Signature Strengths

These are the core qualities that define us at our best—traits we naturally excel in and enjoy using. They are deeply ingrained in who we are, energising us when we apply them, whether they are rooted in wisdom, courage, humanity, justice, temperance, or transcendence. When we tap into the strengths arising from these virtues more frequently in our daily lives, we not only perform better but also experience greater fulfilment and engagement. By aligning our work and personal lives with these strengths, we can more easily access Flow State, leading to higher wellbeing and a deeper sense of purpose.

Flow State and Positive Engagement

Flow State can happen spontaneously, but it can also be cultivated by creating the right conditions. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi (pronounced cheeks-sent-my-high), a leading researcher in the field, pioneered the study of Flow State. According to his research, there are nine dimensions of Flow State which break down to the creation, the experience, and the benefits of the Flow State experience.

The creation of Flow State

• Challenge-skill balance. For Flow State experiences to occur, there must be a balance between the challenges posed by the task and available automatic skills. Tasks must not be so difficult that we become anxious or so easy that we become bored – the ‘Goldilocks zone.’ In highly challenging situations where we have a low level of skills, anxiety may occur because the activities are experienced as uncontrollable. Boredom occurs in situations where there is a low level of challenge and skill.

• Clear goals and immediate feedback. In Flow State experiences, tasks are carried out to achieve well-defined goals, using well-developed automatic skills, and immediate feedback is available allowing you to adjust your approach in real time, keeping you engaged. With sports and video games it is easy: feedback is built in. Where feedback may not be intrinsic to the activity e.g. a longer project, breaking the project down in to a series of single session tasks can emulate immediate feedback. For longer term initiatives use planning and control tools such as a basic Gantt chart which you can get for free: I use ‘GanttProject’ which can support a wide range of project activities.

The Flow State Experience

• Total concentration. When we are in Flow State, your attention is completely absorbed in the task at hand. You’re fully focused, and distractions fade into the background. • Absorption during Flow State, we become so deeply and effortlessly absorbed in what we are doing that we see ourselves as one with our actions; we experience our actions as automatic, and we no longer think of the worries and frustrations of everyday life. • Time Perception. Time can seem to fly by or slow down. Hours might pass in what feels like minutes, or complex tasks may feel as though they’re unfolding in slow motion.

The benefits of Flow State

• Loss of self-consciousness. During Flow State experiences, our self-awareness disappears. Paradoxically, the sense of self emerges as strengthened after the task is completed. With a loss of self-consciousness, we stop being aware of ourselves as separate from the tasks in which we are involved. The dancer becomes the dance. The sailor becomes one with the boat. The car becomes an extension of the driver. One of the paradoxes of Flow State is that even though you lose awareness of yourself during the activity, the experience strengthens your sense of self afterward. When you finish a Flow State task, you might reflect and think, "Wow, I really did that! I’m capable of more than I thought." This boost in confidence fuels your ability to take on more challenges and creates a cycle of personal growth.

Autotelic Experiences

Activities that lead to Flow State experiences are intrinsically rewarding, or autotelic, and this is strengthened by each Flow State experience. Autotelic comes from the Greek words for self (auto) goal (telos). Autotelic experiences are those that arise from activities which are not done primarily for some anticipated future benefit, but mainly because the activity is intrinsically and immediately rewarding in itself. Although these tasks may initially be done for other reasons, as the skills required to do them become automatic and proficiency increases, the tasks are done as an end in themselves. Writers often say that they write not for financial or occupational advance but because it is so enjoyable. Sailors may spend a lot of money and time getting their boats into good condition not because they want to win sailing competitions or maintain contact with other sailors, but because, for them, nothing compares with the Flow State experience of competitive sailing.

Is there a ‘Flow State personality’?

Although most people experience Flow State, there is considerable variability in the frequency with which people report these experiences. Csíkszentmihályi coined the term autotelic personality to refer to attributes that facilitate the experience of Flow State. He identified seven personal attributes central to the autotelic personality. They are: • Curiosity • Persistence • Low self-centredness • Intrinsic motivation • Enjoyment of challenges and transformation of threats into challenges • Transformation of boredom and tedium into stimulating experiences, and • A high capacity for concentration and attentional control.

Research on the autotelic personality shows that people with this type of personality have more intense and frequent Flow State experiences, and that this in turn leads to greater wellbeing. How autotelic are you?

How to experience more Flow State

• Identify and use your Signature Strengths. Flow State happens more frequently when you’re using your natural strengths. Start by identifying your Signature Strengths—you can use a tool like the VIA Character Strengths Survey Learn Your character strengths . Once you know your strengths, look for ways to apply them in your daily tasks or projects. • Set Clear, Challenging Goals. Flow State thrives when we’re working toward a well-defined objective. This focus keeps you engaged and reduces the mental clutter that can pull you out of the moment. If the goal feels vague or too easy, it’s harder to lock into Flow State. At the start of each day, define one or two specific and challenging (but achievable) goals. They should push you slightly beyond your comfort zone, but not to the point of stress or anxiety. • Create Focused Time Blocks and Eliminate Distractions. Deep concentration is a prerequisite for Flow State, but our modern environment is full of distractions—social media, email, and even multitasking can keep us from fully immersing in a task. Schedule uninterrupted time blocks of 60-90 minutes, during which you eliminate as many distractions as possible. Silence your phone, close unnecessary tabs, and fully commit to the task at hand. The key is deep, single-tasking. As a beneficial by-product you may notice your effectiveness increase: this is the ‘non-urgent but important’ domain of the Eisenhower Matrix. • Match Your Skill Level to the Challenge. Flow State happens when the task is in the "Goldilocks Zone"—not too easy, but not too difficult either. You need to feel like your skills are being stretched, but not to the point of frustration. Assess your current skill level for any given task and adjust the challenge accordingly. If a task feels too easy, raise the stakes by setting a time limit or adding a layer of complexity. If it feels too hard, break it down into smaller steps to ease the pressure while still moving forward. • Engage in Activities that provide immediate feedback. This keeps you aware of your progress and adjusts your actions in real time. This helps maintain Flow State by giving a sense of momentum and control over the task. Seek activities where feedback is built. Alternatively, find ways to create your own feedback loop.

Final Thoughts: Unlock Your Potential Through Flow

Flow isn’t just about peak performance—it’s a key to personal fulfilment. By identifying and using your Signature Strengths, setting clear, challenging goals, and removing distractions, you can experience more Flow moments in your life. The more frequently you engage in Flow, the more you’ll enhance your well-being and strengthen your sense of self.

So, what's one strength you can leverage today to experience Flow? Let me know in the comments! If this article helped you, feel free to share it with someone who could benefit from discovering more Flow in their life.

Lesson 4: You Should Feel at Peace in Your Own Company (From my book "30 Lessons I Learned Before 30")

“In the past, I couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow when I saw people dining alone or going to the movies solo. My younger, more immature self believed that these were the signs of having no friends. I actually felt bad for those people (silly me), and I deemed myself fortunate to always have friends to do activities with. If I wanted to go to the mall or get a bubble tea, I’d make sure to call up a companion to go with me.

Although I never liked big parties or large gatherings, I loved hanging out with friends one-on-one or in small groups. I eagerly accepted invitations for meals, movies, and other activities, actively filling up my schedule with a wide range of events. At that time, I believed that having a full social calendar was the ultimate way to live life. I loved being constantly surrounded by people (which may sound like a nightmare for some) and having things to do. Moments of alone time were rare—except for when I indulged in a book or handicrafts—and I preferred it that way.

As time went on, it dawned on me that I had been using strings of activities and events to avoid spending time alone. Whenever I had a moment of solitude, I would instinctively reach for my phone to call or chat with a friend. If none were available, I’d scroll for hours on social media to feel a sense of connectedness, or seek out events nearby to meet new acquaintances.

It wasn’t until my early 20s that I began to embrace and enjoy my own company. Moving abroad made it blatantly clear that I’m the person I spend the most time with.”

—

This led me to a whole new adventure of exploring parts of the world on my own, visiting the places I wanted to visit, and doing the activities I wanted to do. I ate in countless restaurants by myself, attended events and shows solo, and crossed many borders without knowing a single person on the other side. One of my most iconic solo trips was to Hobbiton, in New Zealand, which fulfilled one of my childhood dreams.

No matter where you go, there you will be. So it's important to be good friends with yourself first. Life is much more enjoyable once you start to feel at peace in your own company.

I learned this sentiment from Viktor Frankl's "Man's Search for Meaning," and it's changed the way I live my life. I highly recommend that book (more than I would recommend my own book lol).

A bit more of Chapter 4 from my own book that I wanted to share:

"In one of my favourite books, Man’s Search for Meaning, Viktor Frankl wrote, “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” Despite enduring three years in four concentration camps, Frankl focused on what he could control—his mind and attitude—and refused to let external circumstances break him down.

I remember walking through Dachau, the first and longest operating concentration camp in Germany, during my high school Europe trip. This site witnessed the deaths of over 40,000 prisoners between 1933 and 1945, revealing the horrendous depths of evil acts that humans are capable of inflicting on one another.

Not long after this trip, I read Man’s Search for Meaning and gained insight into the profound strength of the human psyche when one consciously directs their focus toward what lies within their control. Although, needless to say, I’ve never been in any situation as dire as what I’ve read about or seen, this notion of focusing on what’s in my control has proven to be valuable when facing any challenge or obstacle.

[...]

In the grand scheme of things, an individual’s happiness largely depends on their self-perception and their perspectives of the world. And our understanding of reality is limited to our five senses. Much remains unknown, and some aspects are beyond our comprehension. The ability to interpret life’s events in a manner that brings you inner peace is a remarkable superpower. By focusing on what you can control—your attitude, words, and actions—you hold the power to transform your world."

• 30 Lessons I Learned Before 30

(Hope this brought some encouragement to you!)