So my dad and I are actually getting along pretty well in the new place. I'll admit, this is a pretty high end place, and my dad is paying almost as much for a 1 bed/1 bath apartment here as he did that 3 bed/2 bath beach house. Even sleeping on the couch, I just love how peaceful it is here.

There's just one problem though...

I'm not on the lease. And my dad keeps saying if they find out about me, HE could get kicked out. Uh yeah dad, they'd kick me out too! Obviously I don't want that, but I've been obsessively trying to find a way out of this. And it's obvious he's really nervous. I don't wanna mess this up for him.

So after staying up for two days straight thinking about this (dad said he'd let me get some last minute Christmas trees tomorrow since it seems some of the dispensaries are open) I realized the only way out of this is to just... extract myself from the situation completely. And my dad agreed.

The plan right now is to find the cheapest hotel I can find close enough to my psych office on the 3rd (when I get paid) and... ok, I don't know if I'll be able to get the job I want just yet, but I gotta start working, like anywhere, and make sure my earned income plus SSDI is enough for a studio.

This can't be impossible, right? Like when my therapist tells me to check my credit score she's not telling me "oh, that's too low", but trying to find a way to fix it? I'm not used to people wanting to help me over logistical obstacles like that because it seemed like they NEEDED to be ashamed of myself for some reason. Like how I was supposed to feel about my brain.

Anyway. Christmas Eve party tomorrow at mom's side, I'll admit I'm excited. While my older sister isn't coming (I still can't believe the reason she gave) and my older cousin's kinda blowing me off, I'm hoping my younger sister or one of my younger cousins will be able to help me out with this one.

Hi everyone! How was your day?

Hi everyone! How was your day?

Hi everyone! How was your day?

I am just extremely protective of my mental health.

But then again, so is C. I figured that was why she wasn't talking to me, but I didn't understand why she had stopped posting on Instagram. She still has me blocked on FB. Hopefully we get to the point where I can ask if we can change that because not hearing from her has had me all kinds of nervous. Add that to everything going on with the move... yeah, it's a lot.

Anyway. After WEEKS of radio silence from C, I finally heard back from her, and this was the theme of the message. She had gone silent on me because the way I reacted to her suggestions was apparently "completely out of character" for me? She said she actually had heard of the program and didn't want to suggest it because she was afraid I would just shut her down like I do everything else?

Now, I mentioned it before to my family so I think I did to her too. My care coordinator T told me our landlords would have to write us a fake eviction notice in order to get it to work. My sister was mostly hung up on how it wasn't enough when I can just get "emergency section 8" (THAT'S. NOT. A. THING) but my dad agreed with me that he didn't want to get The Irish People involved. Of course now that we're out of here and he can just say I'm not on the lease, it's a different story, and much easier.

I want to talk to T about this and how much insanity it caused and what we have to do to get it to work. She is very easy to talk to and even more so over text (I'm not used to this with therapy people!) Because now I have C all nervous that I'll get help and screw it up, so of course that means I'M nervous that I'll make her nervous, and that I have to get a job and fix my credit and do a bunch of other stuff in order to have a shot at this. I'm so afraid I won't be able to do it.

I know now that C has just seen me intentionally self sabotage so many times when I'm given the opportunity to do them on my own, so I wonder if it's more that than her thinking I can't do it. Because given what I've dealt with from my family, that's my default assumption every time. We weren't supposed to have emotional needs, at least not on the level I did. Only my mom could have those, and that was too much for everyone. I'm.slowly learning to talk about my feelings less with them to avoid backlash and it's just really awkward now. And I think C is doing the same with me.

Ugh, everything sucks sometimes.but at least things are better than they were a week ago. So far I'm enjoying the new place, though I can't leave until Sunday when my dad gets back from New Jersey... he's down there having dinner with lil sis and BIL and his parents tomorrow and seeing the two new kitties (I hope they bring them up with them!) So I'm using this opportunity by myself to reflect and just... figure out what I can do to get myself out of this limbo situation. It's gonna be rough, but all I can say is even though I can't leave this place for the next 48 hours, I no longer feel trapped the way I did at the old place. Strange how things are sometimes.

Hi everyone! How was your day?

Hi everyone! How was your day?

So first off, if you live in Massachusetts and ever find yourself in a situation like mine, check out the [RAFT](https://www.mass.gov/how-to/apply-for-raft-emergency-help-for-housing-costs) program. I would imagine most states have some sort of equivalent but this seems to be the only one of its type that's offered on an emergency basis in Mass. (My little sister thinks emergency Section 8 is a thing? Not sure where she got that one.)

Anyway, here's the thing: My care coordinator at my psych office said that now that we have moved out (I don't know the full story, but I guess my dad gave the key back to the landlord and everything was cool) that I might be able to rely on my dad to explain the situation. While I tried to present the situation to them before, I mentioned it would have been awkward involving the old landlords, but according to my little sister this wasn't gonna help because apparently I need someone to do the work FOR me.

But all I need at this point is for my dad to tell the truth: we started renting a 3 bedroom house when I was working and could pay most of it, but I am now out of work, we ended up having to move out way quicker than we expected, and while his family was able to secure him a place, it's only a one bedroom and far away from the world I know.

Yeah, they suck. Screw you, Aunt D. There I said it. Anyway...

So my income right now is enough to rent one of the lowest priced studio apartments in the area I grew up in.... which just so happens to be in my sister's building. The building my mom lived in with her first husband might be less, I'm not sure, but there were a few others and all I could think was wow, it's a good thing they're all in the area I know so well! Nice area, too. Or at least I think it is. I'll admit, I'm biased.

Now, I think we all know that.the expectation to afford rent is that it should be no more than one third of your income. So in order to pull this off, I need to a) go back to work (which needs to happen anyway) and b) make ~$3400 a month IN ADDITION to my SSDI as it is now. And enough years have gone by that I'm eligible to do the work program that allows you to keep the full amount for the first nine months. I think I have a chance.

But it scares me that it's too good to be true. Everything else I was signing was for the department of mental health to get my records, and I worried I'd end up in supportive housing or something. Of course now I wonder if the difference between then and now is that those doctors are talking to ME and not my mom, and would not claim the ridiculous shit she did. Is this how I figure that out?

And how do I explain this to my sisters, whose lives revolved around this to the point neither of them had a relationship with my mom of their own? To her credit, lil sis did well enough at the end to finally have that from my mom since her first two kids hadn't done shit. Older sis's life revolves around her NOT qualifying for disability because she simply can't say "mayyybe it's trauma related" to explain her numerous physical ailments no doctor can explain. So it's not lost on me that neither have them have been able to see without that concept.

Hi everyone! How was your day?

One thing I'm real tired of explaining is why I didn't feel comfortable leaving my dad to pay rent in a house owned by a family whose kids I had known for years and my dad had never met them.

There's a reason he didn't know these people, or anyone I went to school with. My dad can barely remember anything from my childhood or raising us in my hometown, because he was drunk the whole time.

Here's the thing people don't realize is once you get to a certain age, the roles essentially get reversed when your parents are alcoholics/addicts and/or have mental health issues. My little sister and I had to work together a lot growing up. And we knew we only had each other in this as we both began to realize older sister was out of our family life by this point.

But after our mom died, everything just got weird. I tried to fit in with my dad's side once I moved closer to where they did... it didn't work. It was so strange, meeting people who assumed because I had family and friends in the area, that I had always lived there... I was barely familiar with the place even while I was living there.

Hi everyone! How was your day?

Hi everyone! How was your day?

Hi everyone! How was your day?

Hi everyone! How was your day?

Hi everyone! How was your day?

Hi everyone! How was your day?

Hi everyone! How was your day?

Hi everyone! How was your day?

Hi everyone! How was your day?

Hi everyone! How was your day?

Hi everyone! How was your day?

Hi everyone! How was your day?

Hi everyone! How was your day?

Other than our large size and physical resemblance, I really don't have very much in common with my dad. But I've noticed this is the one difference we have that seems to cause us the most problems.

My dad avoids doing things because even though both of us imagine every "what if" possibility that can go wrong, he lets THAT make the decision for him if it's worth doing or not. He fears failure, because he has always been a success at everything he's tried.

Me on the other hand? I know there are worse things in the world than not being good at something, and most of that stuff is out of my control anyway. I actually enjoy high risk situations and do way better in chaos. Maybe that makes me messed up, but the thing is, it's all I've ever known.

Still, if there's any risk in something, my dad will tell me not to do it. Start my own business? You'll make no money so don't do it. Rent a hotel room once we have to move out? It's too expensive, stay at the homeless shelter instead cause it's free! (Really?) Rent a storage unit? Again, too expensive, and you can't manage your money, just get rid of all your stuff, it's not like you need it!

But the thing I don't understand is why I feel like I NEED to have his permission to do these things?

So anyway, once again, I'm about to be homeless. While it is brand new, my dad now has a one bedroom apartment. Technically the lease started on the first, but I still haven't seen it yet. He's gonna move in there full time on Saturday and I'll be staying here for the rest of the week, then staying with him for Christmas/NYE, THEN it's hotel/couch hopping until I find a job that will give me a high enough income so that I can sign a lease.

This is something my dad and my younger sister have consistently implied I'll fail at and because of this, there's no use in trying. It's always how I can't do it now, so that means in their mind that I'll never be able to. Otherwise, wouldn't I do it on my own?

They don't remember one key part though... I did it before ten years ago.

Hi everyone! How was your day?

Hi everyone! How was your day?

Hi everyone! How was your day?

Hi everyone! How was your day?

Hi, what are you working on in December?

Hi you guys, how did you do on your goals last month? Goals post: https://www.reddit.com/r/TheMixedNuts/s/znyM53bVKH