Trigger warning details of the assault in body text

I am struggling with processing a past (6 months or so ago) traumatic experience. It didn't affect me as drastically at the time and keeps coming up now as intrusive thoughts, anxiety, irritability, deep depression, and even sexual arousal. I've found myself unable to think of anything but this experience pretty often.

I was seeing a guy as a friend with benefits for a few years. He was 49, me 26 when we started seeing each other. We had a positive sex life, a really tumultuous "friend" life. I was always the person he could turn to for advice, favors, anything in the friend realm and he rarely reciprocated. He was very shy, gentle, and attentive in bed and I really liked sex with him. The men my age are so porn brain damaged that they want to choke and go rough and all this and he was very "normal", gentle, sensual. He doesn't have great social skills but I found his awkwardness, shy artsy guy thing endearing and felt safe with him. He was such a gentleman for quite a long time and he wanted badly for us to be in a relationship and monogamous, but I didn't want that so we started a friends-with-benefits thing.

One night about 6 months ago he slept over at my place. The next morning I was feeling kind of down and stressed about the work day and was not in the mood for sex. We'd had sex during the night before so I was just in underwear and a bra. I was on my back, he got on top and started trying to get things going. I said no. My protesting was weak, I'll admit, because I was sleepy and because I was trying to keep it light and playful, but I said no multiple times and pushed his hands away multiple times. He then moved my underwear to the side, entered me, and started having sex with me. I went into complete freeze mode. I was truly just dumbfounded and in shock so I froze, wide-eyed staring up at him. I could hear my roommate walking in the hallway outside our door. We weren't making a sound and I remember just thinking, "Am I being raped right now? Is he raping me right now while Name is walking in the hallway right outside my door? He is raping me right now. I am being raped."

That went on for a couple minutes or however long. Then I remember I could see his pupils weren't dilating and I remember feeling a weird sense of guilt that he wasn't turned on/enjoying this because his pupils would always dilate when he's turned on/enjoying things. So i started rubbing my clit. His pupils dilated very large, then I turned over and stopped him and said I really didn't want to and started quietly crying, tears quietly streaming down my face. We sort of stayed like that for a minute then he apologized and said he just couldn't help himself. I don't remember what happened after that. I think we went back to sleep for a bit. But I know time passed, then we woke up, and I for some unknown reason initiated sex when we started getting up. I think it was partially because it was the order of things in our time together. Sex, then he goes. I was bent over on my chair by my desk facing a mirror and I remember he was staring at himself in the eyes in the mirror the entire time. It was somehow just as repellent as his earlier actions. We said goodbye for the day not long after and we ended on a (what he later quoted as) "nice note".

I still for the life of me don't know why I initiated. I knew I didn't want to and that I wasn't in the mood. I later told him I was crying because of what he did and he said he thought it was for other reasons... but it still never crossed his mind to even check in on me emotionally?? To console me? Nothing. I have trauma in my past, was sexually abused as a child, and had a couple of other instances of being taken advantage of by men when I was younger. But I don't understand why I let this man get away with this and was so people-pleasing and accommodating through the entire assault. I ended up texting him later that day saying what he did to me was rape. He said that I thought we ended on a "nice note" thing, that he didn't know that was why I was crying, etc. Never fully denied or acknowledged. But he had apologized earlier directly after he'd done it and said "he just couldn't help himself".

We haven't seen each other in person since. We've talked on the phone a handful of times and I've continued to be a helpful friend to him giving him advice and help, letting him stay at my place while I and my roommates were out of town over the holidays and he paid me for the room (I needed the money). I somehow got amnesia to that fucking day and what he did. What the fuck is wrong with me?

The memories have started returning from that day and I've started feeling really angry. I have intrusive thoughts, deep extreme self-loathing, suicidality, and rage towards him for violating my body and treating me so horribly, like I'm less than human. And towards myself for allowing it and then somehow forgetting about it all and doing favors and nice things for him. And I've also had the absolute opposite side of that coin and in quiet moments gotten off to the thought of him doing that. That he was so turned on that he couldn't stop himself from entering me. And then I feel even worse after that.

There's no one I can talk to about any of this. And I know this man is back out there and back on the apps swiping for dates (he and I met on the apps). I've debated making one of those accounts with a photo of him and a warning that he's a rapist. I also found out a friend of a friend of a friend dated him, that she was 26 when they met and dated, and that she had a restraining order against him for stalking by the end of their relationship. They dated for 3 years. She and I talked about her side of the story and what all happened. I'd heard a VERYYY different story from him about his last relationship.I don't know what to do about all this. I have no interest in seeing or talking to other men. I feel afraid of them and like I can't trust them. And I also don't know how to stop the intrusive thoughts. And I also don't know if I should do something about him, and if so what I should do. He clearly has a habit of at least twice anti-social/negative actions towards intimate partners. Anytime I tried to get information about his past dating life he was so cagey, I learned nothing. He honestly gave major loner vibes, kind of reminded me of the Creepy Thin Man in Charlie's Angels. Kind of a Crispin Glovery, very skinny, artsy musician man so I wouldn't be very surprised if he hadn't had many dating experiences in his past.

I still live pretty near him. I know he's just living his life and I don't have any desire to ruin his life. But at the same time it feels irresponsible to not look out for other women. And regardless I'm struggling with the thoughts and clearly need therapy or something for it. It's hard to know whether he's a selfish idiot, or a genuinely dangerous, scary person. I'm not sure what to do about any of this. It all makes me so sad.

Title is pretty self-explanatory. I was abused for several years by a housemate. I won't go into many details of the acts, but some things were deeply disgusting, his breath smelled, and when he cooked us food for the house it grossed me out sometimes when there was no reason for it.

I've gotten away from him, disclosed the abuse and assault, and am in therapy trying to clean up my mind, but in the aftermath I deal with daily nausea, intense food and smell aversions, and a hair-trigger gag reflex.

Does anyone else have experience with this or how to reduce these symptoms? I manage to eat and brush my teeth but it would be cool if these things weren't such a struggle. Thank you.

i don’t really know where to start. my whole life i’ve been fighting in survival mode all the time. my childhood was fucked up. we moved a lot, no stability. we stayed in bad and unsafe places a lot. a lot of countries we went to i was the only young, pretty, blond haired blue eyed girl. my family settled in a nice area for my siblings high school years. nobody cares about the kids here. no one ever looked out for me. i was pretty and smart so everyone thought i had it all. i fell into drugs like all the teens around here and started hanging out with older men. i would go off for weeks no one would care about my sxhooling or whereabouts. i had no real friends. i’ve overdosed on purpose accident and been drugged at least 15 times. i don’t know how i’m still alive. i’ve been raped so many times by so many men i can’t count. gang raped. filmed and exposed and treated like a fuck toy and drugged for months on end when i was 16-17. the things i’ve seen and been through are truly horrific and i can never truly tell anyone what happened to me. i hardly even remember it. i don’t know where to go from here i’m 18 i’m supposed to grow up. i don’t think i can go to college. i can hardly hold down a job i hate working. no one really likes me. i’m young and beautiful but i’m a unimportant person. i’ve never made a difference or done anything good. no one really cares about me. my body and mind is ruined and i don’t think there is any recovery for me. i think i should’ve died a long time ago. my whole life since i was a very little kid i never thought i would live long. i never made any plans for my future or has any ideas of what i wanted to be when i grew up. i am not meant for anything. i think i was supposed to live just for my childhood. my teen years were barely survivable. i’m almost an adult and there’s nothing going for me.

TW: Possible SA / Sexual harassment between two teens

I’ve just been losing sleep over this and so I have posted this in some other places desperate for opinions so please help me if you can.

So when both the person i am with and I were 16 (about half a year ago) something happened in class that I can recognize was something bad but I’m not sure what it classifies as or if it even is anything.

We had begun talking about sexual things and i’m not sure how this happened but since we sat next to each other in class, they began touching my legs in class by my private area (they never directly touched me “there” btw) and put their hands on my neck and like sort of choked me, not in a mean way just sexually I guess. (The touching and choking wouldn’t happen simultaneously though.) I don’t really know what lead to this behavior, I have asked recently if they remembered what did but they only said they remember us joking about teasing each other sexually. But I don’t remember agreeing to them touching me in this way in class.

This happened on multiple days and I was always really scared the teacher would see and we would get in trouble, I also felt so uncomfortable whenever they did this. I specifically remember the day the teacher saw, I told them to stop because the teacher might see but they didn’t stop. Apart from that I’m not exactly sure if i explicitly said and clarified that I felt uncomfortable with them doing that. I think I might’ve moved their hands further away from my private area since they were close to my private area. I remember I was really uncomfortable and that I didn’t want them to do that especially since we were around other people. I felt humiliated whenever they touched me like that in class because I knew people probably saw. That day the teacher pulled us aside after class and told us to stop with the touching and I felt so humiliated and disgusted with myself.

It was during a busy time in my life and my partner started crying after so I never really got to make sense of it myself as I was more concerned about them and the other stuff going on in my life. Since it made me feel dirty and gross I have tried not to think about it but now about half a year later I have started thinking about it and trying to make sense of what actually happened. They’ve said sorry and acknowledged it, (both the day of and some other times) and they’ve said they don’t know why they didn’t stop (which I guess means they knew I wanted them to stop/heard me when I said to stop because the teacher might see) and that they’d never do it again. I am pretty sure they would never do it again too and they haven’t done it again (I’m still with them). I don’t know what to make of this situation and I was hoping maybe someone on here could help.

So my friends have fears about reporting sexual assault, and other crimes, to the police and the military (for good reason). I've told them a couple of tips that I've learned over the years, but I'd like to let others know too. I created an infographic to help others when reporting, but I wanted to get your thoughts on it before sharing it further. Thanks!

https://preview.redd.it/xmp5ii6ykq3a1.png?width=800&format=png&auto=webp&s=2ca0018552cbfa730f1583ac469db454e888b6a5

I’m 29 y/o now but 18-19 years ago I was sexually abused by a “new kid” in my class, 1 year older than me. Back then I thought he was my friend who wanted to play games and talk like other kids our age, but it changed after he told me dead serious to keep a secret and started being more touchy with me, I was 8-9 and didn’t knew what he did, I wanted to tell my parents, but a bit later that year, my mother died from health problems and I was in shock, and I think the abuse continued some months after that until he saw me being sad all the time and told me he was “done with me” and didn’t even talk to me after that.

Because of the sudden death of my mother and the abuse I didn’t wanted to tell my father, I was scared it would hurt him even more. So I repressed the memory.

But through the years I have only told 2-3 people about it, and the most recent of them (a healthcare professional) told me it was “what kids do sometimes”

Ever since that time I felt disgusted by the thought of sexual contact with others, am I justified by saying it was wrong on so many levels what my classmate did or was it normal as the healthcare professional said?

Thank you in advance if you read to the end, I needed to get this out of the mind and hear what is right and wrong with the story.

For reference I'm 35(m).

When I was young, maybe around 4, my babysitter (a teenage male) molested me. I don't really have any memories of this, but I do see flashes here and there.

Flash forward to age 30. I'm separated from my soon to be ex-wife but we're still living together. I'm seeing someone else by this point. I'm new here so not sure how much detail I can go into, but suffice it to say that my ex -wife raped me one night. I asked her to move out that week and went to stay with my new GF (call her Sally). I thought I had told Sally what happened, but perhaps I wasn't clear or she misunderstood because I don't think she's really aware. Sally is a wonderful woman and I'm lucky to have her. But now I'm all fucked up and I don't think she has any idea. Let me explain.

Sally and I have always had a very active sex life. Immediately following the rape, I think this made it easy for me to block out. I eventually came to seriously struggle with sex addiction for comfort, validation, and escape. I wasn't like this before, but my libido became uncontrollable.

And then recently I contracted a UTI. I'm completely recovered, but there was like a 2 week period where I was unable to have sex, which forced me to sort of sober up from this sex addiction. I've been sober for nearly 2 months now and I'm absolutely determined not to engage in sex that is unhealthy for me physically as well as mentally.

And during this sobriety period I've thought more about the rape than I have since it happened. I'm starting to realize the impact that it had on me, my current relationship, and the way that I view sex.

Now that you know some pieces of my story, I have so many questions:

-At the time of the sexual assault I wasn't physically, but I was manipulated and concerned for my safety. Does this count as rape or is there another name for it?

-Is it normal to develop a sex addiction after a rape? How have you dealt with this?

-Most importantly, how do I tell my wife about this? How can I tell her that I was raped at the beginning of our relationship and never told her (for all intents and purposes)? Do I mention that I tried to tell her at the time that it happened? What do I do if she reacts negatively?

Hello I'm Maxx I'm 20 and since I was 15 I was groomed by someone much older than me I need to know what age (above 18 only) is acceptable for me a 20 year old to date I don't want to accidentally groom someone I don't really understand which age range I'm supposed to be looking for is 18 to young ext. I need specific ages so that I can feel comfortable trying to form romantic relationships I'm really scared I'm going to do what was done to me if I don't have a set number or appropriate ages (over 18 ofc)

Hello everyone. I have been a lurker for a while, never posted anything here. Made an account to post here. For a long time I figured that I was "healed" for the most part. I guess because I felt numb to my situation, I figured I had moved on from it. But lately, it has really been getting to me and I think it's time I fully approach it head on.

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When I was 5 years old I was kidnapped and molested for 3 days by my mother's at the time husband. He touched me and had me touch him as well. He tried to get me to perform oral on him as well but I guess he didn't feel so urged as to force it I guess. He was charged shortly after and I haven't really heard anything more of him even now, 19 years later. I felt unaffected for a long time. In reality, the whole situation really fucked with me in the head. I tend to be attracted to much older men, even as a child. I had other signs of a victim of child sexual abuse, but that's more than I care to discuss at the moment. I went to therapy as a child until my therapist retired after 2 years of seeing me. I guess I was deemed as being okay at the time.

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My issues started to really arise in high school. I have been with my boyfriend since we were 15 years old, now 24. When we started to become sexually active, we were both open to it. Things were going good. But one day he stuck his hand in my pants and I did not want it. I told him no multiple times but he kept saying he "needed to" and he "couldn't help himself". He kept groping me until I began to cry. He stopped, apologized. And I guess for a couple of years neither of us really addressed it. Then one day I had brought it up to him. I had told him that he had sexually assaulted me that day. And I guess that realization hit him. I had decided that at that point that I would continue to be with him as he had never done that again, or anything like it. He has been wonderful to me since, And my logic all this time has been that we were both kids and he has only become a better person.

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I have been able to continue being with him since. I live with a friend of ours that we have had since childhood. Well, to put a long story short, this friend ended up touching me inappropriately while he thought I was asleep about a year ago. I had frozen in the act and when he found out I had been awake the whole time, instead of stopping, he became more aggressive about it and began groping me. I told my boyfriend about it and he told me he would be comfortable with whatever choice I made. I guess I am afraid of change, or maybe because I figured that forgiving my boyfriend ended up okay that I should forgive my friend as well.

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Now it seems that everyone has moved on. Even I thought I did for a while. But now I feel lost and disgusted with myself. Things replay in my head and hurt me now. I had always thought that I would be strong enough to cut people off when they hurt me but the closest people in my life have hurt me in such a bad way. And I feel so hopeless. I am planning on moving out of here, and getting therapy. I am not asking for any advice, I just figure this is a start to getting my thoughts in order. I don't know if I should end things with my boyfriend. We have been together for 8 years and I really do love him. I just don't know if I can actually heal from this trauma while still being with him, and it really does break my heart to think that that may be the case. Anyway, thank you all for reading if you made it the whole way through. I hope we all are able to find closure.

graphic

my ex (boyfriend at the time) knew I wasn’t interested in sex as he had asked about it and I said I wasn’t. when I was at his house he asked 3 times and I kept saying I didn’t want to due to certain reasons that I told him (wasn’t ready, not on the pill etc) and at one point he started dry humping me and I remember thinking I should just say yes and get it over and done with so I asked him about condoms. I didn’t want to take my shirt off and I told him that but he pulled it up anyway. I was very dry and he wasn’t happy about it, he took the condom off without asking me. he kept asking me to do things I didn’t want to do and kept saying “please, please can you” so I did. he did ask once if I was okay and I said yes.

was this rape? it’s been 3 years ago but I’m still struggling with whether it was rape or not. I did consent. he can’t read my mind.

I'm in the Navy. Two women here got sexually assaulted. I’m scared every day but these cameras are the only things that make me feel even remotely safe. I'm using these cameras as a way to protect myself if I get sexually assaulted by another sailor (1/4 of women in the service get sexually assaulted). The recordings can be used against the perpetrators and the commands that safeguard them
You can get cameras in everything FYI. There are sunglasses, keychains, baseball caps, necklaces, belts, buttons, key fobs, and clips. But the watch and the pen were easiest to wear in uniform.
In the last year, two sexual assault incidents happened in my command. In March a guy drugged and then assaulted a female sailor and she wasn’t going to tell anyone, but he went out and told all his friends in the command "his side of the story" saying that he was falsely accusing him because she didn’t like the sex. The story spread to the entire base and so the command told her that she is an alcoholic slut and should forgive and forget because it would be awkward for everyone going forward. He was basically covering himself and he got to tell everyone his story on his terms and she was berated and told to shut up so everyone else wouldn’t be inconvenienced.

The other assault happened on the carrier. Here a woman was telling her superior that he needed to get everyone out there to actually help her. He took offense to that, slammed her against the bulkhead, beat her up, then got some of his friends together later and they all sexually assaulted her. And what did the command do when she went forward about what happened? Nothing. Actually worse than nothing, They said this “is a boys club, you knew that when you signed on” and that she was “too aggressive and so that’s what happens when you act like a b*tch.” Basically telling any woman that when you stand up for yourself, when you aren’t super nice, you deserved to be assaulted.

Oh, and in both cases, the men stayed in the command. The girls, they’re gone, to another command or out of the service because, you know, they are the trouble makers. I have to work with these abusers. I’m trapped. I can’t move. I can’t quit this job. I signed the 4-year contract. I am stuck here with these guys and this command and I have to just wait it out. It’s like a prison in here! I fear the command system and the people in it. It’s like you’re a mouse and every day you go to work with a bunch of mouse traps. Will today be the day they get me? It almost feels inevitable now. I’m shaky all the time and am paranoid thinking of everything they’ve done and what they will do to me or the next chick. I’ve been like this for over 8 months.

Military commands often have a conflict of interest when it comes to investigating sexual assault and punishing the offender. No amount of SAPR training is going to change this conflict of interest. There is this misogynistic environment where women are thought of as whores and sluts whenever they come forward and are told that they are the problem and need to just stay silent. They’d rather hush everything up so that they don’t have to deal with anything. The ones in charge like the man/men and so the command supports them and they thrive while these women, in the most devastating and vulnerable situations, suffer and are tossed to the side. And when that happens, the other women see that and just give up. There is no justice here. We really need a separate HR. "I honestly feel if it was in a civilian court, I would have gotten justice. All of it was so disheartening," she said. Why does the military not have that? Why is the organization with these conflicts of interest in charge of sexual assault cases? This has been a problem for decades! Why hasn’t it been solved?”

So now, I wear the cameras. I’m getting a record for if it happens to me. So it’s not my word against a guy, especially if he has a higher rank. If I do get assaulted, hopefully, I can get it on the cameras, but if not, I’ve already got footage of leadership and just the general toxic climate of this place. I can go after the command. I’d probably get out first though. You can sue not only the perpetrator but the command. And if nothing happens to me, well I can give the footage of the command to the next woman who gets attacked here. It’s going to happen. There’s no stopping that. Recording is the only option, it’s the only way I will be believed and have proof in court, and maybe if servicewomen start carrying them and showing what’s happening, maybe things will change.

It’s like if you got brutally attacked by a neighbor’s dog and the dog’s owner was the police, the judge, and the jury. The owner is not going to allow you to press charges against their dog. And everyone in your neighborhood mocks you because “He’s such a good dog, he’d never do that.” or “You were clearly asking for it” and somehow deserve it. So now you wear a camera that you can easily turn on. To prove that it happened and to press charges against the dog but also for the owner if the owner prevents you from making a report or threatens you. The more evidence you have, the more likely you are to come forward against the attacker and the system.

My advice for anyone in the military is to get a wearable camera. Make sure you know how to start recording without looking at it. Record your assault if possible how people in your command talk to and about women and sexual assault when not in a SAPR training. If you are coming forward, in or out of the military, get a battle buddy. When you go into a warzone or even off base, they tell you to have someone with you. Do that here too. You are going to fight. Get someone you trust on your side. If you’re still in, get an attorney and go to the local police if you’re in the U.S. The attorney will make sure you are heard and the local police don’t have the conflicts of interest the commands do. If you don't want to come forward now, remember you can always get out of the military and sue. If you know someone coming forward, consider offering them your recordings. This may be the thing that allows them to prosecute. There are bad people everywhere and in every job profession, but the system needs to be changed. This is unacceptable.

I was wondering, does anyone have any experience with EMDR therapy? What was it like? How did it work? Did the therapist talk to you during the process? Most importantly, did it help?

Augusts are always the hardest for me. It’s gotten better, but this is my fifth august and I’m sick of it. I want to move on. I want to never think about this again.

I'm so sick of people judging me I wish I never told anyone about being sexually assaulted just because I'm a man everyone thinks I could have fought my assailants everyone thinks I wanted to be raped by 8 men wrong is their any free online therapist I can talk to in at the end of my rope

**Unless your paid study would cover at least a month's rent for someone DO NOT CONTACT THE MODS to ask to post and doing so will earn you a permaban.

I've decided against allowing researchers to post surveys or studies. Here's the thing, a lot of these students, or researchers are not trauma-informed and offering a 10$ amazon gift is insulting. I've even had people ask to post their studies but offered nothing in exchange for people's innermost traumas. Furthermore, ***NOT ONCE*** have I come across someone offering counselling post-session.

What about paid studies? No**. Our community has been farmed for years for information, with no tangible benefits to the people being studied. Don't DM any member of this community without their invitation.

**IF YOU ARE A MEMBER OF THIS COMMUNITY PLS DM IF SOMEONE CONTACTS YOU FOR A STUDY**

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TLDR; My friend is spending time with someone he KNOWS assaulted me - how do I communicate why that's messed without forcing an ultimatum on who he spends time with?

The Background:

I (22F) used to date a guy named "Pete" (22M) for nearly two years (we broke up about 1.5yr ago). Through this relationship, I met a friend of Pete's named "John" (21M) who I have continued to be friends with for almost three years now. All three of us attended the same University.

My relationship with Pete itself was generally good, but things didn't end up working up because of issues involving his parents/family. However, sparing the details because A) it's obviously difficult to talk about and B) it's not relevant this specific question, in January of this year Pete sexually assaulted me. I didn't report the incident to anyone due to other cases at my school being handled poorly and I didn't think it would help anything.

With that said, John has always been a good friend and a good laugh, and we've never really had any issues with one another. Since the breakup, Pete and John have drifted apart for their own reasons and haven't had a good relationship for about a year now. In the mean time, John and I have gotten close and I consider him one of my closest friends.

About two month ago, John and I went out with some friends for dinner and drinks, and at one point when we were alone, John asked to kiss me and I said of course and it was a really sweet moment. Later that night (and albeit after a few drinks) John asked me if I had talked to Pete recently, and when I bitterly replied no, John pressed and I ended up telling him about the assault. He seemed really surprised, but immediately was empathetic and said he was so sorry, etc. We haven't talked about the kiss or the conversation at all since that night.

The Issue:

Since then, all three of us have graduated and moved to different states. John and I are only three hours apart, and we've frequently talked about visiting one another. However, this past week when we were chatting on the phone, John casually brought up he was going on a spontaneous trip to a common vacation spot. I was excited for him and asked what hotel he was staying at, as I have visited that location many times before with family. It was then that John mentioned he was planning to stay and hang out with Pete.

Literally the first word out of my mouth was "Gross." He just said "Yeah" and quickly changed the topic. While we usually talk or text everyday, he's now been with Pete for three days and hasn't reached out at all or replied to my texts except for a generic, "Yeah" or "Haha" type message.

So, I'm wondering, how do I tell John that I think it's really messed up that he's spending time with Pete after I shared something really private and traumatic with him? I feel if the roles were reversed, I wouldn't even talk to Pete, let alone spend a week in his home hanging out like best friends. I really like John and this is the only issue I've ever really had with him, but it honestly just feels like such a betrayal and a sharp contrast to the concern he showed me that night when I told him.

My emotional side wants to call him an a** and go off, but my logical side knows that's not going to help anything. So far I haven't done much but reciprocate the low effort texting. I don't want to force an ultimatum or try to control who he spends time with, but I don't think I can continue to be close or share personal things with him if he continues to disregard my experience or feelings.

Any thoughts are greatly appreciated, and sorry for such a long post!

Hi there! Im a 14y Female. So Funny story i thought i accepted and made peace with this event but..it seems I didn’t since this happened so many years ago! This whole story has been sorted out and its just a matter of healing. Id also like to mention to please not mention my mothers relationship with my “stepdad” ew i hate calling him that term. This story is strictly about my trauma. Thanks

So ill give some backstory, my parents are great friends although they divorced when i was too young to remember. They’ve both been in my life and are phenomenal parents! I lived with my mother at this time and my father would visit every single weekend no matter the consequence. Unless he had drill of course (military) safe to say both very involved parents! (Love them both) this story happens when i was in either 3th or 4th grade.

My mother had started dating this man, ill call him...SF idk. At first there were no issues a wonderful man. He was funny and nice and always brought me little gifts. Then fast forawrd some time, everything changed. I don’t actually remember when it started but all i remember was how scared I was thought this part of my childhood. My mother and him would have very big fights although he never ever physically hurt her. Cops called once or twice and many many things broken out of rage. My mother has had countless phones broken by SF and broken many of her things. I even remember a chair being thrown. Lots of yelling, gaslighting, manipulating, and narcissism from SF. At the time my mother and I were living in a nice little one bedroom until he moved in. I state this because I had nowhere to go or hide throughout this experience. He had to leave a lot because of his job but I don't quite remember the day, week, or even month he moved in. Eventually something changed. He had taken a liking to me, although I never even had the thought of this until now.

Jumping straight into the situation..be warned! One day I started realizing things. He would touch and massage himself from under desks and places as such. He didn't really try and hide it from me either. In fact one time he slapped it right on top of the edge of the desk. I assume my mother never realized this was happening because I don't remember her bringing it up until I told her. Anyways, he would touch himself but never stop when I came near him or walked up to him. He continued and I would sometimes glance down if I was near or talking to him and I was very confused. I never asked I just thought it was weird and didn't choose to think about it. One day, Probably when my mom was out running an errand he went up to me. "I need to tell you something," "I like you" I was confused. "no, I mean I really like you" and "your such a pretty girl" He had meant it in a romantic way. My error *in a creepy, sadistic, pedophilic way* But regardless I remember just nodding and I walked away. I was very very confused as to why a grown man would say this to a child but I ignored it. Never mentioned it to anyone at the time. Fast forward many many occurrences like the first one I mentioned. This is where my trauma comes from.

My mom had to leave for a night shift and asked if I was alright staying home alone with him. I said of course as I hadn't really had any issues with him before. My phone was broken so at the time he asked if I wanted his jailbroken phone to use and play with when my mom wasn't home. I was a little kid so I was super excited of course. So the night time comes and he woke me up at who knows what time after my mom left. he asked if I wanted the jailbroken phone and was I hesitant because I was just woken up from my sleep. He went into his bed (the room was split in half, My Half and my mom and his half) and had a giant iPad watching some cooking videos or something like that. Then he called me over to look at something cool he was watching. He had his whole...(Im not super familiar with reddit so Im not sure what's allowed in what thread :)* So ill just call it his stick. He was touching and massaging his stick and I froze I didn't say anything or do anything I just uncomfortably watched his screen. Then he put the iPad down and shifted closer to me and said "its big right?" "Do you wanna touch it?" as he was just stroking himself. I Yelled No as loud as I could and ran into bed crying. I was so scared and shocked. He said sorry and told me not to tell my mom, and that we should just forget about it. I did just that. I acted as If nothing ever happened. Im not sure if he continued the desk thing after that but My mental state was damaged. Along with their abusive relationship and everything else I had to carry though headstrong.

The reason I didn't tell my mom at first was because of how traumatic it was to mention it but I also didn't want to start any issues. My mom went thought a lot as a child/teen and she just isn't a very open soapy person. *she cares very much but she expresses it a little differently an at the time it was a little harder me* One day her and I were in the car and I Told her..kinda. I swear I told her everything but apparently according to recent days I didn't explain the whole story and if I had it would've changed a lot of things. Anyways I guess he told her I had accidentally walked in on him touching himself and he tried to play it off as if he was doing something else and it was a big misunderstanding. Ever since that day I was uncomfortable around men who wouldn't dare lay a finger on me. The men who I once saw as protectors were no longer. *Ive healed now and am comfortable! But for a little while I was very uncomfortable around various men, even ones who like I said wouldn't dare hurt me*

The reason I bring this up here is because of some recent events. Today They have a nice big home and I have the cutest little sister and brother. I protect them my with life and I practically think of them as my own lmao. I love them very much and I would do anything for them! The abuse still continues today and it bings me much stress to think about how sad my mom is and how I can't be there for my siblings sometimes. *I live with my dad now!* My relationship with my mom got so much stronger and although I don't get to see them in person often, we call almost everyday* One day when I was over for the holidays my mother asked me why I was so uncomfortable around SF. I kinda mumbled and told her she already knew but she kept pushing and eventually I told her. It was super hard but she was very very distraught that she didn't know this sooner because she wouldn't be In the situation she's in now. A lot happened and we went to a hotel and she flew me home that night. Today I still visit but when SF is on work trips and its just my mama, siblings, and Myself! SF and I aren't on any bad blood. Of course I still resent him for how he treats my mom and what he did to me but were on even terms. There is a level of respect but nothing more. Although I'd do anything to see my mom more often she doesn't want me around him so Im comfortable. Also when I was younger my dad was trying to help me though it and I consider him very wise and knowledgable haha. He taught me how to be at peace and accept what happened and also how as much as I want it to me, I cannot control my mothers relationships with SF or anyone else. I do get very sad to think my siblings will have to endure the same pain as I did but I make it my duty to protect them and be there for them at all costs. My dad and I were in the car yesterday and brought up this topic, only to realize it was extremely hard to talk about and I told my dad I wasn't ready yet. I thank him for that because of how I take on the situation today! Thats a brief story of my trauma! But also to anyone out there..is this SA? I understand it is trauma but I never thought I could classify it as since I was never touched. Anyways Thankyou for reading my long story! You may comment whatever you'd like and ask as many questions as you'd like! If you would like to talk about it online please ask me first!

edit* Also for context *My Mom and Dad have an amazing relationship with me* To outsiders this may seem like a crazy situation but its all under control now and its just learning to come to peace with it! My mother hasn't forgiven SF and never will. Once again please do not criticize SF and Mothers relationship as its sorted out and that's a whole other story :) Thanks. I also wanted to say that although I haven’t forgiven him i know for a fact he wouldn’t do it again to me or my siblings, he loves his kids and i hope they never experience what i did! So the kids are not in any danger 

I'm 48 and haven't been in love or a relationship since I was raped at 26 by five men which destroyed my life I went on a self destructive path that only by the grace of God I made it through fast forward 22 years because of my rape I have become gay and finally fell in love I thought my boyfriend had a dick fetish he got off on watching other men fuck me I even went so far as to let him set the situation up a couple times which I went along with hesitantly and then he said let's have a party and he slipped me GHB and let 10 members of the party have sex with me in my own home in my own bed while he watched and videotaped it all to which he shows all my friends his friends I've had it he betrayed my trust and turn me against everything that I thought I believed in he knew that I was raped before and he didn't care he let it happen watched it enjoyed it and even videoed it so I know you heard about me being on this site so this is for you go f*** yourself

First time I was raped I was 26 I owed a 350$ drug debt then my wife wanted a divorce so I left the state I came back to visit my kids and the drug dealer found me in a motel room same motel he stayed in him and four of his cronies raped me over a two day period after that I punish myself I thought it was my fault I vowed over to go in debt again so I started prostituting that went on for a couple years then I got therapy now I'm 48 I just came out to the world and my boyfriend slipped me GHB and let 10 people have sex with me in my own home I didn't know that he put it out as a sex party I don't remember anything he videotaped the whole thing on his phone and he shows it to all our friends I'm mortified he says it was consensual but I know better I would never sleep with 10 guys his fetish is to watch me get banged by other men to which I've done a couple of occasions just for him but he didn't ask he just took it and I'm pretty much stuck between a rock and a hard place

I (22M) am fighting with myself if I was assaulted/taken advantage of or if I cheated (I am meeting with a therapist tomorrow & have reached out to a sexual assault service to try to understand this).

I am trying to understand this situation and the only thing I can find myself doing is searching for what others think, and I think therapy tomorrow will help with that.

To keep this as brief as possible I will try to only focus on the important details. I have been seeing my (now ex) girlfriend (20F) for about half a year. She is amazing and all I want, and I am more interested in her every day. The details of this story I have pieced together through going over it hundreds of times to myself and others, a lot of these details I didn’t recall at the start.

Last week there was a last day of classes at my uni. I’m on co-op right now but my friends asked me to join them to celebrate. So I took the day off and did.

Fast forward after lots of drinking and celebrating, we are back at my friend’s apartment, late at night. One of the people here is someone I used to have a fling with, she wasn’t with us before I did most of my drinking, but I think she followed me to the club to join (didn’t realize this until after).

We get some food and I have a couple more drinks with my food cause I feel fine. Everyone chats for a while longer and we’re all pretty drunk and tired at this point so we decide to go to bed, and I need to leave for home for work. When we’re leaving, she asks me to take her home. I tell her no, I’m seeing someone and we can each go home. She presses to take her home, I stand my ground and tell her I’ll just order her an Uber. Once she gives me her address and I order it, she kisses me. Someone comes out of a nearby apartment and I retract, immediately walking to the exit as she follows besides me.

Once we get to the exit, she makes further moves on me, more aggressive at this point. After a few seconds she touches me and goes “you can’t fuck me here.” That stuck in my head cause I remember replying “I’m not trying to do that, we need to go home.” The Uber pulls up and she goes in, tells me come in, and in my stupid state of drunkenness I follow. While we’re in there, I realize that I need to order an Uber to get me home, I tell her that I can’t be going to her house and she replies “my parents are home, we can’t even go, in it’s okay.” So I sit back tired and just wanting my bed and I remember hearing her say that we could be together some day while she touches my hand. I retracted after a couple seconds and told her “we didn’t work out before, I can’t be with you now.”

She continued on with something about that it doesn’t have to be now, I don’t recall all of it, but we drove back to her place and when I remember to order the Uber home she tells me to wait in her house for the Uber. I remember mentioning about her parents, but she says that we’ll be quite then I can go. It was cold so I follow to the front entrance and she tells me that we need to go upstairs so we don’t wake them up. So I do. As I type this out I realize every mistake along the way, but at the time I didn’t even see this obvious signals.

We get in her room, she doesn’t have a chair so I sit on her bed, I remember bits of this but I don’t recall all of it cause I was in and out of it. But I remember her making advances and taking off my pants, I remember sexual stuff occurring and then I remember suddenly thinking about the Uber, and checking my phone to see it was close. I remember rolling over and getting up to go, turning back and saying that I had to go, went downstairs & ultimately out to the Uber.

I wanted to call my gf immediately, but it was 3am and the cabby kept talking to me. I got home and crashed.

The next morning I remembered bits of what happened and I was traumatized. I couldn’t believe that I cheated, I have strong feelings about cheating, I have been cheated on before and I have spoke out against cheaters.

After confessing to her the moment I could see her (the same story I just couldn’t muster the strength to tell her I think there was full penetration, then a few hours later I did when she wanted to have sex), ultimately being told to leave (I feel so horrible for the pain I saw in her eyes), I reached out to my friends and family. A couple people raised the idea of consent. It hadn’t even had occurred to me beforehand, but I was so drunk that I wasn’t even fully coherent when it happened. I remember several times saying no leading up to it. But I see the string of missed red flags that let me get into that situation. It didn’t even occur to me until the other day that she had had only 1 drink that I was aware of (when we ran into her much earlier in the night).

I know that I was taken advantage of while drunk, that much I’m sure, but I’m struggling with calling this assault or the R word. However, after calling a sexual assault hotline and reaching out for counselling, they told that it becomes non-consensual/assault the moment you say no. To complicate this even further, I remember participating at points. I don’t think I was fully aware of what was going on, but I recall thrusting and moments of enjoying it, and the thought disgusts me.

I’m curious if I am lying to myself to make this easier to accept and avoid responsibility or if I was truly taken advantage of? I feel horrible for the pain I caused my gf (Now ex), but I knew I needed to tell her. Each time I told the story though, I had trouble admitting to some of the details (like that I think she fully had intercourse with me, because it was so hard to say, but I eventually did).

TL DR; I am struggling with this a lot, I can’t get it off my mind. I don’t want to be the guy who cries assault to cover up cheating, but I genuinely (and I mean genuinely in my heart), feel like I was taken advantage of.

Additionally, I’m curious if anyone has any tips to make the best of my therapy session tomorrow? Any who may have been through something similar.

For anyone who is religious: I am going for confession Friday, how did you deal with this with your priest?

And for victims of sexual assault: did you go through this questioning process with yourself? I called an assault hotline and will be meeting with a resource soon, and I’m curious if that helped or you did anything to help get past this?

Thank you for reading.

I was raped in the fall and I know I should have gone and done all the medical stuff immediately but I didn't.

I was at the doctors today for an unrelated matter and it reminded me of how nice my doctor is and I feel like I should/can tell her. I feel really weird about it because it was 8 months ago. Logically I know that this is a substantial thing that happened to me and I can't just be a robot and get over it, but I feel like I should have by know.. Has anyone else waited this long? What do I say/like how do I tell my doctor?

I also dont know how to navigate the reception secretary. They demand to know why, and frankly I don't feel like blurting out "I was raped and figured it was time to come here and deal with it" so the whole bloody waiting room can hear. When They ask what do I say?

I was raped at 26 yo by my drug dealer and four of his cronies isuffered many years over that and now my boyfriend slipped me ghb at one of our house partys and let 10 of the party goers have sex with me and he recorded it on his phone and shows it to our friends this is crazy he has sick fantasies of him watching me have sex he's gone crazy

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[also posted in r/PTSD]

I was assaulted and raped by someone I thought was my friend - and the rape happened when I was in a hysterical state of grief for a passing grandparent. Having to deal with family passing away, betrayal and abuse, and being raped was extremely traumatic. I blocked out the rape for years.

I started getting severe flashbacks and panic attacks when I saw the rapist in public social spaces (same age, mutual friends, and I had moved back to the same - small - town), and this is when I realised that he had raped me.

As I volunteer a lot in my local community, and I used to be very sociable and friendly, went out a lot, lots of hobbies and interests etc. and I didn't want to go to the police (as I thought it was pointless/would just re-traumatise me), I figured I could get community support if not legal justice. So I went to a community leader who had previously promised to keep me safe, who I trusted, to say what had happened and expected them to respond accordingly (I thought it was a universal reaction to be disgusted and horrified by rape, and violence against women).

The community leader instead betrayed me, and put me in danger by outing me to the rapist as speaking out, and then (on social media) attacked my volunteer work, and still to this day defames my work and assassinates my character, and is attempting to take legal action to make me sign something to say I am lying about being raped, and about her betraying and attacking me, and she has also bullied some of my peers for associating with me.

I went to Rape Crisis for support but they suddenly stopped seeing me, and they said I needed to see a doctor for mental health help.

I called the doctor but they only offered a man on the phone, and I did not feel comfortable speaking on the phone with a man about being raped.

I went to the police and they knew the rapist as their friend, so they decided not to do anything, and told me to empathise with him (asked me how could he have known not to rape someone who is hysterically grieving / crying, asked what I was wearing, was I drinking...)

A friend offered to pay a lawyer to send a Cease and Desist letter to stop the community leader from defaming my volunteer work. But the lawyer didn't post it properly, and refuses to refund us. So it is like it didn't happen / a complete waste of time and money.

I have lost several jobs as every time I tell someone that this community leader is victimising me / harassing and bullying people, they ignore me, dismiss me, gas light me etc.

I went to another community leader, and they said that they knew the man who raped me was a rapist, but his parents are powerful, so they are not going to do anything.

The first community leader tried to get a friend of mine to meet with them, I suggested they only do so with the supervision and protection of a professional mediator as I feared it was just an attempt to bully my friend. The friend just asked them to leave me alone. The professional mediation didn't work.

I received a Cease and Desist letter asking me to sign something to say I am lying about being raped and about the community leader betraying me, bullying and harassing me and my friends. The letter lists other community leaders and groups who I confided in privately about what was happening - they all leaked my private messages / words to the community leader who is bullying me.

It is absolute insanity.

First the actual assault, then being re-traumatised by:

Community leader

Police

Doctor

Another community leader

Colleagues

Friends

Rape Crisis

Lawyer

So many people say they can keep me safe, or they can help me, or support me. I go through the traumatic events, reliving them to tell them, and then they betray me, or don't believe me, or abandon or ignore me, or gaslight or attack me.

The other day I was volunteering to help at a friend's shop, I posted something small on the volunteer group's social media. And immediately multiple people who are friends with the first community leader showed up, tried to park outside, and took videos and photos of me...I am being stalked/harassed/intimidated...while volunteering to help paint a bookshop ffs?!? And this was just after I found out a friend I confided in is now working with the first community leader - as if I never said anything to them?!

I have gone from someone with many friends who goes out a lot with lots of hobbies and interests to someone who never goes out - or if I do, I drive very far to another town to feel safer. I have lost so many friends, and also work, I don't feel safe walking anywhere, and am starting to even feel uncomfortable in my own home.

I am being bullied and victimised from my home, from my community, and it seems like they will never stop.

I have paid for a private therapist to help me with my PTSD, and that is going well, but how am I supposed to recover when these people are hunting me? I am re-traumatised constantly.

What do I do?

I don't think I can handle the fact I'm a 48 yo man I was raped when I was 26 over a drug debt by my dealer and 4 of his cronies I lived reckless for years prostituting my body to me because I hated me I was finally free from that my best friend talked to me like a human I just came out of the closest completely and professed my love for my best friend he begged me to go to this party with him my gut told me not to but I trusted him they slipped me ghb and all 10 of the partiers raped me he said I did it voluntarily and I just found out I have gonarea my friend hates me and is threatening me so I've decided to end it all I will not go through another rape telling my story the nightmares and just the down right betrayal if the only person I trusted in the world

Hi Reddit, we are a team of non-profit researchers, designers, and software developers who created Ourwave.org, an anonymous place for survivors of all forms of sexual assault, abuse, and trauma to share their stories and find healing. We have posted here before but wanted to share an update on the growth of our community. Healing is possible. https://www.ourwave.org/impact

Is it sexual assault to hold down somebody’s head/mouth on your penis using your legs to the point they throw up?

I warned him I didn’t feel well before we started. (I was drunk.) I did try to pull away while it was happening and give him a handjob instead, and he did let me go each time I pulled away, but after a while he would wrap his legs back around me and pull me down again. I didn’t resist as much as I could have.

We were both super drunk and I don’t think he quite realised that I was uncomfortable and about to be sick.

I didn’t want to do any of it, but he asked me so I consented because I have a hard time saying no to people. I just want to please them and make them happy. I’m so ashamed of myself. I just kept wishing it was over the entire time. He lied and told everyone I was sober and that I pinned him to the ground and forced it. (I promise you I did no such thing and I was very far from sober.)

The whole school knows now and his friends think I’m a predator.

Please give me your honest opinion, I won't be hurt! I just want to gain clarity on the situation.

I went to a frat party and I was pretty sauced, but when I'm super drunk I've been told I can hold myself together rlly well. Someone started dancing behind me and I immediately started making out with him which is NOT something I would normally do.

I kind of browned out for this part but I guess he tried to take me to a place he used to live but there were issues so he told me he'd take me to his boat. I said yes which is a terrible decision why would you let a stranger drive you out to sea but as I said I was rlly sauced. So on the road I started throwing up a lot and passing out and I got scared because he was driving for way longer than I expected. Before I passed out one time, I remember replaying that scene from Jennifer's Body in my head (spoiler alert so sorry) thinking "I'm so drunk rn if I got stabbed would I even care xD"

Thankfully he brought me to an actual boat and not to the middle of the woods bless up. I don't rlly remember what my thought process was but I know I didn't want to have sex anymore but I felt obligated to since he drove me out. Plus he kept getting upset at me for throwing up in his car so I was scared he'd get angry if I backed out, so I just went through with it.

Why I think it might not be rape OR me gaslighting myself I can't tell:

It honestly didn't even occur to me that that was a bad situation until the next day when I told my roommate about it and she pointed out that he was either driving drunk or taking a super drunk girl an hour away when he was completely sober. So maybe I'm just overthinking it because she had a problem with it?

In hindsight, I was still hypersexual at the time from being sexually assaulted by my best friend a few months prior so maybe it was consensual and I felt shitty after because I was just feeling the aftermath of the previous assault you know?

He called me a few months later asking to meet up, so I told him I didn't like how I was rlly drunk and he was completely sober (he said he was sober earlier in the call) but he said he didn't get that impression because I was coherent (but also I was stumbling and throwing up and passing out so idk). So it honestly might've been a misunderstanding.

I feel like I have an inferiority complex or something that makes me exaggerate my illnesses and struggles to get attention sometimes. Although I've kind of grown out of that impulse, maybe that contributed to me building this up.