I just really don't. I'm a 21 year old female and I've tried for years to give myself stupid reasons to stay alive. "It gets better" wasn't cutting it anymore so I was telling myself stuff like "I want to see season 2 of this show I love. I need to see if my theories were correct, I can't die yet", "I'm so looking forward to the next spider verse movie I can't go yet", "Oh I can't die till the broncos make the playoffs" or "I have to see the broncos win another Superbowl! I could achieve immortality with that wait"

Just these last months have just been hard. My eating disorder has come back aggressively, and I know subconsciously it's my suicide, the suicide I can control. I want to die I don't eat. I want to live I eat.

I feel my friends couldn't give a shit about me. My cat ran away and not one friend could be bothered to talk to me to help me through it. I went through a death last year. Same thing not one friend cared. I'm always the back up friend. I'm the friend people only give a shit about when everyone is busy.

I took a year off of college to get a job but I can't get any job and I've applied for over 20 jobs. I keep seeing articles talking about how no one wants to hire Gen z so now I'm panicking no one will hire me ever.

So I'm sick of being sick, I feel like none of my friends could care less if I died, I feel like a deadbeat failure that I can't get a job and an idiot because I was at best a C student in school. I know people go through worse so I feel like a bigger POS I feel this way.

I have a really hard time talking about these things in real life because I either want to avoid this topic like the plague or joke about it like it doesn't bother me. I kinda did it a little in this post with the "immortality" comment. I feel like it makes it harder for people to understand I need help because I can't say it. I can only say it to a bunch of strangers I know I'll never meet.

Lost another friend, i blame my stupid emotions. I shouldn’t have even been upset to begin with but something in me just felt off for the last 48 hours. It’s hitting me that I’m completely alone. I hate it, i hate having abandonment issues. Normal people can be fine alone but I’m not normal I guess. I hope I die in a crash tomorrow on my way to work

I am hopeless and exhausted by waiting to get any better. I feel like I don't wanna get better anymore and there's no reason to get better. It's been 6 years since I was diagnosed with chronic depression. And things have come to an extent from where I could not feel myself if I am not in depression. There's this contradictory thought that depression makes me alive though it hurts so much but it is what it is. Lately I have been feeling a lot of mixed emotions while I was reflecting upon my life. I feel like I am weird,psychopath,sociopath,deranged and what not. Also I have OCD and my therapist have been giving me meds to treat my OCD but the thing is I only feel happy nowadays when I am obsessed with something and when the obsession is gone I am back to the same old me. So I don't wanna get better anymore and also I don't know what to do. I need a direction please.

I don’t know how to put this into words but here’s what I’m dealing with:

Severe Misophonia, chronic back pain(unknown cause, dozen of unsuccessful treatments over the course of about 7 years), severe social anxiety- literally zero friends whatsoever, religious disagreement with family, frequent headaches, depression, (thankfully mild most of the time, except every week or so when I get lonely and it smacks me in the face and tells me I have nothing of value to offer to anyone and no future) and no life skills/degree or employment of any kind.

I have also never had sex/kissed/held hands/been on a date in my life. I can literally only think of one time a girl my age even hugged me. It was about 7 years ago (when my life was just starting to fall apart) and she only hugged me because she was a very friendly/affectionate kind of person and we happen to be in the same group at Mormon youth conference thing (she hugged everyone goodbye). We barely ever spoke to each other and I don’t even remember her name.

I have plenty to be thankful for too, or at least I should be, but somehow that just makes me feel like I’m even more useless for not being able to get my life together. Anyway the positives are:

Parents (still married and in a good relationship) are supportive with my struggles, other than the religion thing. They’re VERY Mormon/LDS and cannot accept that I don’t believe anymore. (I stopped at around 16).

I managed to get my driver’s license and GED after dropping out of school in 10th grade.(due to the back pain and misophonia)

Good financial situation. Of course I’m completely dependent on my parents(which makes me feel worthless sometimes) while we’re not exactly rich, we’re probably middle to maybe upper middle class, by the standards here in the US.

Depression is also not quite as bad as it was at 16-17, in large part due to therapy.

The thing is, all my problems compound on each other. Want to get a job? Well I can’t because my back is going to demand I lay down after 30 minutes of sitting, standing or walking. But why try when it’s going to send my anxiety through the roof? And what is someone triggers my misophonia, so I just sitting there, suffering with extreme rage, while my body pumps me full of all the hormones it thinks I need to be prepared for my imminent death?

So what if I work from home then? How many jobs are there that let me work as few and as erratic hours as I need to manage the pain, while also minimizing social interaction? Oh and all I have for my resume is a GED and zero previous employment.

How do I make friends when I have nowhere to go? No school, college, church or workplace. Not to mention I live in the dead center of the mormoniest part of Utah. I’m instantly going to be an outsider, as an agnostic-ish person. I’m not even anti-Mormon or looking to get into arguments or anything. People aren’t mean about it, but there’s always that slight distance between us.(which my social anxiety insists will ruin everything)

What about friends online? I have had some people I played online games with in the past, and had some I would call friends. But they didn’t last. Like all of my other friendships, they were shallow, I think because I suck at taking interest in other people, and we drifted apart.

That’s only half the problem though, because my mom dislikes online game relationships . I’m not forbidden from playing games with people online, and she has actual agreed that it could be good for me to interact with people like that. The thing is, I have no privacy. Most of the day, it’s just me and my mom in the house, where she could overhear anything I say, or walk in at any moment. It’s not like I plan on doing anything she would disapprove of, but my anxiety doesn’t care. Even now, if she walks into the room while I’m just watching a harmless youtube video my heart rate spikes. So anytime I try to play online games with people there’s this stress that my mom is listening to and judging everything I say. Not to mention it’s just awkward to have your mom there while you’re trying to hang out with your friends.

The religion thing is at a stable but mutually unsatisfying stalemate. It makes interacting with my siblings awkward, and I usually avoid my extended family as best I can. My parents occasionally preach to me a little and everyday I have to read a page of the Book of Mormon and come to family prayer. I put up with it because they made it clear that those are the rules in this house and I figured it’s the least I can do considering how much they’ve worked to try to help me, not to mention raising me.

The thing is, I sometimes hate it here. I hate living in this beautiful house with loving parents, free food, free WiFi and minimal responsibilities. I want to do something. I don’t know what because I’m not good at anything and every time I leave I am rewarded with physical and emotional suffering. I’m so socially defunct that I can’t hold a conversation with anyone, not that I get many opportunities to. But even being very inverted I get really lonely when I learn something cool and have no one to share it with, or when I need advice and have no one who can relate to me or when I realize that on my current trajectory, I’ll never fall in love, let alone get married and start a family.

I’m not sure why I’m posting this, I guess it’s easier to be honest if I’m anonymous. I’ve thought about doing something like this before but I was paranoid that someone I know will find it and know it was me. I am still paranoid, but once I actually wrote this out I decided to just post it anyway. I don’t know if I want pity or advice, or just some actual meaningful human interaction, but every year that passes it gets harder to ignore the fact that I have no idea what I am going to do with my life. It feels like there's nothing I can do.

I have noticed that when I am especially depressed, I feel physical pain in my chest and stomach. Almost like there is a crushing weight being applied to that area, it is suffocating.

Do any of u experience a similar feeling?

I (m) have a white spot on my face that makes me look bad I have alot of pimples on my face im thin as hell I don't have that much friends most friends I have are only there for me to help them most people I see with their gf/bf I feel very lonely I sometimes is not able to communicate properly everytime I come to college it feels depressing I still miss my ex I am getting alot of work I am having anxiety,stress, depression you name it I still love the ones I have infinitely, it gets very lonely I can't keep up all this with all the work it's very depressing I just wanna get this all out so I feel good I fucking hate myself im just like a nerd I want this depression to end so badly it started all the way from the lockdown times and I have recovered but not that much any suggestions that might help me (thanks for reading)

Yesterday I went to have dinner with two of my friends who are much older than me, around 30, and they are both software developers. Super smart and successful, I really look up to them. But everytime I hang out with them it dawns on me just how dumb I am. I can never add to conversations or challenge their thoughts. I don't say anything constructive or creative or even interesting because I can't. English isn't even their first language and they have a better vocabulary than me and are able to explain their thoughts better. I'm always at a loss for words. At college I feel the same way. I'm constantly feeling like the dumbest person in the room. It's hard for me to understand material and do well in my classes. I tried reading but I can't even understand half the books I read. I'm not good at anything. I have no talents, I have no skills, I'm just useless. If anyone has any advice on how to become smart it would be greatly appreciated.

Listen, I have been having terrible thoughts for some time and I am afraid of what comes after death and I wanted to ask you if there is any reasonable evidence for the existence of God?

i kinda have been having bad urges all day but im trying to stay strong cause me and my bf are trying to stay clean together. any suggestions ??

Tonight I tried to hang myself off of my closet door. I used leggings since i didn’t have anything else to use. My head and neck ache now. I had to stop because I didn’t want my parents to come in. And my kitten already was in the room.

Even things like their rooms/apartments, general overall life situation, their success, looks (as in, they're able to look exactly like they want to look like. They don't have to constantly defend their choice of clothes)

I know social media is fake but even the real part that influences show (e.g. social media vs. Reality) is making me jealous. Idk if jealous is the right word, it's rather me feeling miserable if I'm thinking of myself.

I still don't have my life together. I've been struggling with mainly depression, ptsd and bpd for my whole teenage years, I've been struggling for almost 10 years straight.. and it's so hard to get back on track.

And then i see people who experienced similar things and them being successful and able to take care of themselves.. it just makes me feel really bad about myself. I wish. I still live at home which I really don't like. My family loves me and I love them but I feel so suffocated sometimes, by them and everything.

I see others succeeding while I'm kind of drowning in the crowd. Whenever I think that life can actually be good, I drop and go right back to sh and feeling miserable. I don't want to be like that.. but I don't know what to do. It feels like no matter what I do, in the end it doesn't matter, since I'll always fall back.

"Dont think so negative, obviously it doesn't work then", I know that. Why would I not know that. It's easier for someone who hasn't been struggling with mental illness, especially for almost half their life.. sigh. I don't wanna stress negativity but it's just really bothering me currently. :/

I especially compare myself to my cousin. He hasn't had these issues. He's only 17 and he is much more responsible, he does his chores, he studies, he's very smart and he has the same interests my grandma for example has. They never say it but I cant help feeling like people prefer him. I feel like im just way too much work and effort for people and I don't want to be remembered as that. I feel like I ruin everyone that lives with me, gets close with me or tries to help me. This makes me want to disappear so bad. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel depressed again and I thought it was finally gone. Guess I was wrong.

Awhile ago I took some old adhd medicine that I used to be on. I took like 8 pills and at the time I told myself it was to get High. Even tho the particular pills had never given me any sense of what you think of when someone says they’re high. Part of it was also because I had stopped percs a month ago and was craving anything shaped like a pill. Idk either way my heart rate sky rocketed and I had to put my head under cold water in the bath cus I heard somewhere cold water slows down your heart rate. I was thinking about that today and began to wonder could it have been a subconscious attempt to kill myself. Because at the time I was crazy fucking miserable. I was cutting constantly, some of the scars are still pretty obvious even today. I hate looking at them. Anyway, maybe it was me subconsciously trying to kill myself? Idk I’m not a psychologist and know nothing about that field. If anyone knows if this is even possible or if I’m just stupid let me know.

Don’t want any sympathy comments, just curious if this is possible.

Hi Reddit!

This is my first-ever post, and I think I'm in need of a little advice.

Over some time during my teenage years & currently, I've had this extreme desire to relive my childhood, more specifically my tween years (11-13). I'm currently 17 going onto 18 in October and I don't know how to shake this feeling and "mature". I'm not afraid of getting old, but I've always felt like I've been stuck in this loop of wanting to be a child again. A lot of people tell me it's nostalgia but I think it's something a bit deeper than that and I wanna know if others feel this way too. Recently, I've been consuming the same media I was obsessed with as a kid (specifically Eddsworld lol) and I got extremely happy! Because it made me feel the same feelings I had as a kid and I was on a high of reliving the same emotions of fangirling and such. But very quickly I just began to non-stop cry, and I think I couldn't come to terms that I will never experience being in my childhood home again, on my android watching certain web-series, just being a lil nerd lol. I hope this doesn't sound corny, but this emptiness has been bottling up inside me for years now and I don't know how to make myself feel "full". I only get temporary happiness when I revisit old media I loved, but then once it's "over" and there's nothing left for me to watch, read, or anybody to interact with the same interests I get extremely depressed and snap back into "reality". I'm not gonna continue more because you prob get the jist of it, but let me know if others feel this way! I don't regret any choices, actions, or anything about my past. I just wish I could be there again to experience it again and again. I am a full time 24/7 yearner so maybe I am just yearning LOL

(Super sorry if this is long!)

I don't know, I don't know who I am anymore. I'm embarrassed to see myself in the mirror, i feel disgusted and embarrassed of myself. I don't know who I am. I don't recognize myself and I don't recognize anyone, I've been thinking about the possibilities of killing myself, although I think they are few because of the fact that I can't find a way to do it without it hurting, even so that doesn't take away the fact that I want to disappear from here, I would like to close my eyes and not think or feel anything else just disappear. I feel very sorry and shame of me but I feel even more sorry for my family, I'm sorry that they have me as a daughter and sister because they don't deserve this. I know that I am sick and ill but I do not understand when it was that everything changed so much and that everything became rotting in my head, I am filled with the despair of knowing that there is probably nothing or anyone who can help me and it generates so much anxiety to know that i am alone in this. I really don't know who I am I don't know who my head is because sometimes I feel like I'm several people, I don't know if I'm what I think, what I feel, or what I do. What do I do? I don't see a way out of these problems, I really don't see anything anymore.

So I’ve been dealing with depression for a long time now and I wanted to share something in case it helps.

I realized that a big reason behind my failures, my not getting over my ex, my traumas, my existential crisis and lack of control over my life and my addiction to some things have been because I am dead-ass stuck in the jail of a very low dopamine brain.

I’m stuck in nothing feeling exciting, in being chased by either a feeling of void or this feeling of deprivation and existential anxiety. I’m stuck in the eternal cycle of bed rotting, going on binges, feeling lazy, just wanting to sleep, etc

But sometimes after hours of sulking and bed rotting something snaps in me and I wanted to tell it whoever wants to hear it.

If this all feels bad it’s because it’s not you. You are not your depression. You are not your lack of dopamine and your repeated failures. You are not your hopelessness from everyday and your inability to even get out of bed.

I’ve developed some sense of self-compassion and self-love and realize that you are none of these things. I realize I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve the dejected mood nor the negative beliefs. If these feel wrong, if you hate your job or school or if you are done with it all then it’s because.. well that’s just not you. Trust your gut. You are not that. Your true self is your higher self. Your authentic self is all the great things you set out for a long time ago. It’s that feeling of love, serenity and peace you felt as a kid (if you did) or the feeling of awe and inspiration in life.

Just because I am stuck in the problem of lack of dopamine and in what feels like hell and a mental prison doesn’t mean I am all this. You might say that I couldn’t know what I am and this is just coping but I double down on that. Alright fine I am not my thoughts or mental states but what am I then? If nothing matters then at least I should choose for myself what mental states I identify with and which thoughts are me and which aren’t. And I refuse to just be the prisoner to my brain, the puppet doll for reality to push around, the traumatized person that can’t forget his ex no matter what, the feeling of existential dread and hopelessness. I am done being a fucking victim to mental illnesses, to people or to reality.

ifor the past three years ive been going through depression some months ago my family found out about they teased me about it calling me names related to suicide but i was over it now but it dosent stop these fucking things dont stop me and my gf broke up and i found out she lied to me about almost everything in our last days she told me she didnt have her phone so we cant talk until i get my phone back and ik she was lying after breaking up shes more than active on social media posting following others anf now i fucking dont know what to do idk how my life could get any fucking better now i gave everything i had away to all those fucking people and they always did this to me im 16 and still no one fucking cares whoever is reading this please never love or care for somebody for than yourself please

Probably nothing surprising here, but I really just need to have my thoughts out. If I end up killing myself soon, it may give some insight so it’s not just the “no one could have predicted this” BS. Everything is a mess. People keep asking me for updates on aspects of my life and I just have to lie and say things are fine. But they’re not. I have no fucking clue what’s going on. I’m behind on everything but I don’t have the energy to fix it. I’m just so tired all the time. I get enough sleep, but I’m still so exhausted constantly. I don’t have the energy to do the daily tasks most people seem to be capable of. I’ve gone to doctors and they say I’m healthy. But if I’m healthy, then why do I have to lie on the bakery floor partway through my shifts otherwise I’ll pass out? Thoughts of killing myself are happening more intensely now. Where as before I would just passively think about suicide, it’s now at the forefront of my mind and I’m this close to just doing it. I’m with my family stuck in a gas station parking lot for the night in the middle of nowhere right now. And I really want to just walk off into the desert. I don’t want anyone to find me. I don’t want them to have a funeral for me. I don’t want them looking at me and crying thinking what they could have done better like they did at my cousins funeral a few months ago. I just want to be gone. Like I never existed. Since I can’t seem to do anything right. I used to be a straight A student, and now I’m failing all my classes because I can’t function like a normal human. My friends see me as the person they can turn to when they need help. The person who remembers birthdays. The person who will make them a home cooked meal. The person who will help them with homework. But they forget my birthday. They offer support, but never any actual support. I ask for help, and they forget… my partner is such a kind person but I just don’t love them anymore. And the thought of breaking their heart just makes my anxiety over life so much worse. There’s so much more but it’s probably nothing new here. I don’t know. I’m just sick of life like this. I think about the best case scenario and I just realize that life doesn’t have any meaning. There isn’t any point to continue existing. I just need to find a way to exit in a way where people won’t find or mourn me.

I tried a lot but no matter what I do i always fail. No matter how much I love someone they never reciprocate with the same feelings for me. No matter how much I try I always under perform. My life is full of disappointments. Why is it that whenever I really want something it ends up as a dream that was never fulfilled. All I want is to die, die a death where no body gets to know that it was a sucide. Every time I travel all i think about is driving is the tree or something like that. It's hard when u are right but wrong at the same time. I am going to end my life tonight, I am going to jump from this building and if my calculations are right I might be able to enjoy couple of secs of free fall. When I die and met god, I shall ask him why, why did u make me so u lovable and why a failure? Meet u on the other side Good bye to this beautiful yet so cruel world.

To all the people out there suffering from depression and anxiety, go seek help. Don't turn out like me. I couldn't even get a peacefull death.

Can't seem to put in words the way I feel. life doesn't matter anymore. I don't ever want to have a relationship ever again. I don't really have much will to live to be honest. Pray for me please

I have always denoncouned any labels to myself. Personally I find it limiting Yet sometimes calling something for what it is doesn’t help identity it.

Recently watched the Bridgerton queen series with my partner And this triggered me to acknowledging that I go through episodes of such lows and such highs.

As a young boy, I was such an over thinker. Alone most of my life, found comfort in myself and lived a lot in my own head. Fast forward to being in my twenty’s To combat that way of life, I simply didn’t think about what I was doing. I just did it, with no thought of reprocussion. This lead me into a dark path

Over the last 3 years I have found ways to get out of that way of life. I mediate, write, gym, pray.

Yet living more open to feelings and what courses through me can sometimes undermine me.

There’s always this underlying sense of…emptiness and sadness.

I know if I think too much now that really, it hurts me.

How do others go about this?

To live and enjoy, to consciously embrace and reflect yet engage in life in a matter of “doing”? To avoid this dread that lingers me.

I want to give up.

I'm 15. For a third of my life I've been battling with depression. For all that time, my mother verbally abused me about my mental health. The first time I was admitted to the pysch ward, she didn't visit me the entire time. I didn't get any diagnosises or medication due to her wishes. The second time, last time, I was put onto a treatment order to basically force my mum into giving me treatment. We went to this mental health tribunal and she said that made her realise that I had issues.

I'm discharged now. My mum's acting weirdly nice, saying that we both hurt each other (me telling people she was abusive and having mental breakdowns) and that we should move on. I'm taking medication, which she supervises. But I'm so done. I don't have the strength to keep on going, to keep on fighting. I think the last straw was my discharge, where I literally locked myself in the bathroom and screamed that I didn't want to go home. But they made me.

I just wanna stop taking meds, stop going to therapy, and wait out my chance to kill myself. But for the first time ever, I felt pleasure and genuinely smiled. But I'm done. I'm sorry, but I'm done. I'm so so done.

I guess this is goodbye.

My life felt it was going well all the sudden banks overdrawn my account by $200, then a place screws up my order ( last of my money) then my computer screen cracks. Now its looking like months until ill have the time or money. My anxiety and depression is back big time. I just want to feel valued where I become a priority. My brothers tablet hasnt been fixed in 6 months. My sister gets hers fixed in 2 weeks. People fill my life with many things even though it over welms me . I hide the fact that im not okay. I dont feel like they will hear me out . I hate that everythings going wrong for me

This is gonna be a long post and it’s probably not gonna be well written so bear with me. Reddit is the only non biased place I can vent and seek advice at the same time.

I am an angry person. I hate everyone and everything. I have no idea why.

My childhood was good I guess. I feel like my parents did a good job raising me. I wasn’t spoiled but I did have more opportunities than my peers. I am an only child. So I can’t think of any childhood trauma that would cause my anger issues. The only thing that maybe would have anything to do with it is when I was in high school I was the kid everyone picked on but tbh it didn’t really bother me because I didn’t like anyone anyways lol

I didn’t start noticing how much of a hostile person I am until I reached adulthood. At 19 I bought my first home, had a good job, good friend group, etc. I did develop an alcohol problem but got it under control after my DUI when I was 24. I still drink occasionally but only when I’m home. There is no correlation between my anger and alcohol. Just wanted to add that for context on my life. I have the smallest fuse. If someone looks at me the wrong way I’m ready to kill them. I can’t count on my fingers and toes the amount of times I’ve plotted someone’s death in my head.

I’m now 29 and it’s like the anger is full force. I’m happily engaged to the love of my life and he is literally the best person in the world. He’s very patient and understanding and non judge mental. What’s crazy is I’ve felt like I’ve gotten more angry in the last 3 years we’ve been together. But it has nothing to do with him or anything he’s done. He has a great career as do I so financials aren’t an issue. I used to be an extrovert now I can’t stand to leave the house. I can’t stand to be around people because people are fucking stupid. If someone says something stupid it will send me into a rage. If someone is loud/obnoxious I imagine hurting them. I love the thought of beating the shit out of someone who messes with me.

Here’s where it turns into depression. I will get so mad about something so minute and after I blackout from shear anger I beat myself up because once I calm down I’m embarrassed for myself at how mad I get. I do have a history of suicidal thoughts and 1 attempt (during my alcohol abuse). Generally when I do get angry it doesn’t turn physical. I don’t put my hands on people. It pretty much gets compartmentalized.

My biggest problem is I don’t have any non religious connections that I can properly seek help from.

I got extremely angry tonight. I had one of the most violent outbursts I’ve had in a while. It started with my DoorDash order. It was wrong. I got pissed. Then I was playing a video game. Game lagged out and I lost all my progress. Rage quit. Decided to go take a shower because I figured that would make me feel better. Went to wash my hair and I was out of conditioner. I then threw all the bottles out of the shower. My fiancé has a little mirror in the shower and I almost punched it when I saw my reflection.

I’m to the point where I hate myself. I can’t lose weight because of my hormones I’m on from a hysterectomy in 2019. I’m not an obese person just slightly overweight. My sleep is being affected because of my anger turns depression. I’m too afraid to take sleeping meds because I already don’t hear my alarm clock in the mornings. I’m constantly stressed or mad about something. Those suicidal thoughts are coming back and it scares tf out of me.

Now I’m mad I can’t fix me.

Wish I was intelligent to continue college. I wish I had the talent or charisma to pursue Hollywood. I wish I was lucky in life to have two parents actually be married and not stick around because they had to and see my only dad get sick to cancer and die in front of me.

I wish I was in my first relationship and had someone who loves me.

I wish I didn't join the god damn army, especially in combat arms just because I didn't know what else to do with my life.

My dads side has the anxiety and depression, and my moms side has the schizophrenia, bipolar, and bpd genes. Im the worst of my siblings, been hospitalized twice and over 5 attempts, the Benadryl attempt probably increased my chances by 50%. I just hope it ends before i get older

I'm too sensitive to it. I make a small joke like putting on those eclipse glasses and looking at my friend and saying "I can't see you, you must not be very bright". At the time I thought it was really funny, but I told somebody else that joke today and they didn't laugh. I asked my friend if she had thought it was funny and she said she did now, but that it had hurt her feelings a little in the moment. Learning that made me feel terrible.

The other day I told my boss he looked weird in his shirt. I meant to say seeing him in a certain casual shirt was weird cause I'm so used to seeing him dressed as a boss. I felt bad and had to track him down later to apologize and he said he had actually thought it was funny and that he felt bad that I felt the need to apologize. Which made me feel worse like I'd made a situation that wasn't awkward into one that was.

But the big giant thing is I just ended things with someone I really, really care about and deeply love. This man is really just the best. We were friends first. He's kind, he's loyal, he's funny, he's so generous, and I wanted our relationship to work but I just wasn't feeling it for whatever reason. I ended things as quickly as I realized, and he is taking it really hard. He's a beautiful soul and I never would want to hurt him and now I doubt he'll ever want to be my friend again.

I just feel like I keep hurting peoples feelings, or if I didn't, I think myself into circles until I convince myself that I did. Or sometimes I REALLY hurt people. I killed a fly the other day and cried about it, because what right did I have to take it's life? But other people don't get so affected in this way. It's exhausting, I don't want to hurt anyone. Honestly. It genuinely makes me wish I was never born. I would so much rather be broken up with than be the person doing the breaking up, because at least in that instance I'm not carrying all this guilt.

I was thinking of ending my life today and what I would write on the note. "I don't want to hurt anyone anymore." But how silly would that be? Because by taking my life, I would be hurting people who love me. And I know there are a few who do, I have a pretty good support system. I just am so tired. I'm so tired of being hurt and of hurting and I have been through a lot in my life and I just don't really want to do it anymore, honestly. But there's no out, I just have to go through it all. I don't mean to sound whiney but god I just really don't want to go through it all.

I am trying to look at my life as something to cherish. I remember my 7th grade teacher used to congratulate us on our birthdays instead of saying happy birthday, and we all thought it was weird, but sometime near the end of the school year, when someone finally questioned her, she told us "not everyone makes it to 13. Lots of people don't. You've made it this far, so congratulations!" And I try to remember that. I'm 26 now (I probably sound a lot younger, sorry you had to read all my whining) and I can picture myself living a whole life, but on top of all the hurt and guilt I feel, there's a lot of anxiety about the state of the world and I don't even know what the future can look like. So is this life even something to cherish? Lately I feel like it's all something to fear, or something of a burden, and I am getting tired of carrying it.

so i don't really think i'm depressed. it's just like sadness bruh.

i understand that this isn't like doctors diagnosis or anything, this is reddit for goodness sakes. i just wanna hear like public opinion

so couple things: a. i lost passion in things i used to love (reason being i'm not good enough) b. too lazy/no motivation or drive to even try to get good at the things i say i'm not good enough at

1. i hate my friends all of a sudden. (Not all of a sudden it's been a gradual climb. it's just like all their little quirks just set me off. i can't handle their entire personality)

i have been friends with them for a while so maybe i just grew out of them? 2. i kinda am disliking my family. not my family, just my siblings. (i'm the youngest and all my siblings are highly accomplished so i have a big gap to fill in. i feel like i have no personality and only my older siblings exist. i just hate how i'm constantly compared to my siblings and have nothing that they can compare to. I DONT HATE MY SIBLINGS. i hate that i get compared to them) maybe all normal siblings hate each other? also maybe it's an inferiority complex thing idk. 3. i really just hate myself for being all these things. (I feel like i have no true reason to hate any of my friends or siblings. they all are great people but for some reason i can't handle them. I just don't understand why i hate them so violently. it just makes me feel like a disgusting shitty horrible person.) is this depression or just like me being an unreasonably bad dude?

How much helium in my car could kill me I’m scared to go the psych ward but I don’t want to be on this earth anymore. I’m tired, I barely see friends, my chronic pain after attempted hangings just gets worse. Why the fuck was I born

In February I overdosed and it was the worst experience of my life, but now i have a perfect life, a good family, i dont know what is wrong with me i just want to take all those pills again. I have access to therapy, medication, ive had so many doctors, i dont know whats wrong with me, because im perfect. i just want to be gone for a while then ill come back

Life just fucking sucks right now. And I need help, advice, comfort, anything honestly.

To start, my mom was recently diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer. That alone is rough to deal with. And shortly after that the love of my life left me. And shortly after that, my own aunt let me go from my job because they were downsizing. So now I’m dealing with the possibility of losing my mom, the worst heartbreak I can imagine, and unemployment. And after all this hit me I got a 6 figure job offer and thought maybe this is all apart of God’s plan and I’m about to receive a huge blessing. The job offer fell thru and now im unemployed and running out of money. So that’s what’s been going on in my life recently.

I was with my ex when I found out my mom had cancer and she looked into my soul and told me “you will never have to worry about being alone ever again” and I bawled my eyes out in her arms. She left 2 weeks later. We had the most intimate, deep, and loving connection I thought anyone could have. We were best friends. I fully planned on marrying this girl. I had a ring picked out and everything. We also had promise rings if that adds any value tho this whole thing. I was living with my parents when we started dating, she lived an hour away. I drove 2 hours a day in bad big city traffic in a car that gets like 15 miles to the gallon for idek how many months. So I moved out of my parents house to be closer to her, that’s how serious I was. Pretty much all of my money went to her, whether that be random gifts, food, gas and other things. I know she didn’t ask for all that but I’m just saying that to let you know how serious I was. When we broke up she said she started having doubts early in the relationship, but she still led me on and drew me closer and closer. She would plan our future and promised so many things to me. I had trust issues from past relationships and other things in life and just as I was getting over those, she left me and told me that she knew it probably wasn’t going to work. I don’t think I will ever be able to trust someone again if I’m being honest. There’s more things I could say about her and more things I found out but I don’t want to waste any more of your time.

Life is just beating the living fuck out of me right now and I’m tired of it. I fight the urge to kill myself everyday. Idk if I will or not. I’m just waiting to see if I’m gonna get more shit thrown at me or if something good will happen to me for once.

If you read all of this thank you. I hope this wasn’t a bore or a waste of your time.

Edit: Another thing to add, the only reason I haven’t killed myself is because I’m scared to face God’s judgement. And I’m still scared so I probably won’t kill myself for that reason. Plus, I have some hope that I will be happy and at peace one day and I bet that’s gonna feel good so I’m not gonna give up and quit.