/r/depression

Photograph via snooOG

Peer support for anyone struggling with a depressive disorder

Community Basics

We offer a peer-support space for anyone dealing with a depressive disorder in themselves or someone close to them.

Please stay on topic. Depression is both important and difficult to talk about so focus is essential. Posts here need to be support requests specifically related to depression, and comments need to be supportive of the OP.

If you want to talk about thoughts or risk of suicide, please post at /r/SuicideWatch. If you've lost someone to suicide, /r/SuicideBereavement is the best community to get support.

It might seem that we have a lot of rules, but we've found they're all necessary to maintain as much emotional and physical safety as possible. Most people are surprised by at least some of our policies so please read all of them carefully before jumping in.

Please click "report" to let us know of any inappropriate content you see here - we'd like to know and handle it as soon as we can.

If your post or comment is not appearing, it may have been removed for a rule violation or it may be stuck in the filter. Please message us and we'll look into it.

We are not a crisis service. We can't guarantee an immediate response, and there are times when this subreddit is relatively quiet. This does not mean no one cares. If you need to talk to someone at once, you may want to take a look at the hotlines list from /r/SuicideWatch

/r/depression

1,029,089 Subscribers

1

Am I a narcissist?

I’ve been aware of my selfish nature and lack of empathy for others. It grows every year. I absolutely do not believe I am “God’s gift,” quit the contrary actually. I avoid others because I know it’s just problematic for me therefore, for them too. I’m married of 4 years and we have 3 kids. But.. I don’t think I know what love is supposed to be… I’m not sure I’ve ever loved anyone actually. The thought of people close to me passing or moving on has never affected me. If I do “know” what love is, then I don’t, nor have I ever, loved anybody else more than I love myself. Which, makes me question… how rare is that. Am I a narcissist. Am I evil

0 Comments
2024/06/20
03:12 UTC

1

I just want to forget everything

I hate this fucking panic attack shit. I just want to forget everything that happened but I can’t. Every night and every day I’m reminded by my thoughts and I hate it. I try to fall asleep early so I dont have to think about it and do anything irrational but then I just end up crying on my bed trying to fall asleep. I don’t tell anyone about what’s going on with me because I don’t want them to worry about me and my parents only seem to make things worse. I have a brother but I can’t even say that I know him. All my memories of him are either going to his games or him punching me. I never was able to connect with him since he was 7 years older than me. I just wanted to know what It was like to have a brother you can talk to and have fun with. I don’t even know if I’m supposed to be alive. I don’t tell any of my friends about my thoughts because I don’t want them to worry or for them to tell anyone else so every night I just end up alone with my thoughts trying to get through but I honestly don’t know how many more I can. Sorry for making this long

0 Comments
2024/06/20
03:09 UTC

1

I wish I was enough, I wonder if I'll be happy someday..

I've never felt so alone and miserable in my life, I moved to another country by myself to make my life better but the people I love are far away, I have no one to talk to when I feel lost, I have no friends here and I think my boyfriend is no longer interested in me like before, I wish I wouldn't cry too much, I don't feel as strong as I should be..

0 Comments
2024/06/20
03:06 UTC

1

PPD is making me want to end it all.

I feel like I have double PPD going on right now. I already have clinical depression. I had two babies back to back. First in April 2022 and I had PPD with that one and then I got pregnant again 15 months PP and fast forward to this year, had my second April 2024. I never fully healed from PPD with my first and now I’m dealing with it even more.

I just dread it. I’m so drained. In every aspect. Me and their father aren’t doing well. He laughs at me when I cry, leaves me to do everything with the kids, lies and won’t stop talking to girls behind my back, tells me PPD is an excuse. I just hate it. I’m so over life.

My second is 8 weeks old and my oldest is 2. They’re the only things keeping me alive right now but some days I have thoughts of how I could just end it all. I’m just… checked out.

Thanks for listening. I’m trying…

0 Comments
2024/06/20
03:04 UTC

1

Why is everything so shit now? (Vent)

2024 has been a shit year. Sure, good things happened like TADC but, I’m just ready to crack. It seems like once I get happy again, shit goes wrong. I’m fucking ready to crack. I just wanna cut my wrists sometimes.

I just want a small break from the madness. I’m fucking tired of pretending everything’s alright when it’s not.

Everyday, I find another reason to crack. I just don’t get it.

I should just grow up already. I’m tired of just taking everyone’s bullshit.

0 Comments
2024/06/20
03:01 UTC

2

A comment from my dental hygienist made me spiral today

I’m in my mid-30s and have struggled with acne since I was a kid. I still have acne but mostly I have scars and hyperpigmentation. I usually wear makeup to hide the scarring and acne but today I only left my house to go to the dentist, so I didn’t put any makeup on.

The hygienist met me for the first time and immediately said “wow you look tired.” Then she commented 3-4 times on my dark circles and acne spots and then pulled up on the computer some turmeric supplements that I should take. And afterwards when she was x-raying my teeth she said "i used to have a lot of dark spots too" and pointing at my hyperpigmentation. This made me feel very ugly, bad, unworthy, and small, and I haven't been able to stop crying since. She is right that my acne/scars are disgusting and so obvious, but sometimes I just don’t have energy to put a full face of make-up on.

Besides my skin, I’m also overweight. I am working on eating better and exercise, but my depression sometimes gets the best of me. I’ve also had a bit more energy recently because I just started wellbutrin a few weeks ago, but this experience made me feel totally full of despair.

I’m not really sure what I’m looking for here. I am just tired of being in this world as such an ugly and unattractive person. It’s so overwhelming.

2 Comments
2024/06/20
02:56 UTC

1

Workplace Arguement

For context, my task at that moment was to take blocks and cut them with one of the saws at the factory I work at. I find some blocks and one of them, despite being the exact same size as several others, was labeled differently. I ask, it gets set aside, and he tells me to do the job as normal. I load the table, then leave the saw for a bit to get my water bottle and use the bathroom, and when I come back, I ask to confirm what he said. He yells at me and yet got into this huge arguement over it. Also my boss is my dad.

Was it wrong of me to ask the question for confirmation, even when I knew the answer? Like, I don't feel like I was wrong, but I am an incompetent worthless dumbass, so who knows.

0 Comments
2024/06/20
02:43 UTC

1

Done

I feel like I'm dead. Every day I'm half asleep cause I go to bed way too late, I've been sluggish in school (getting by though) and I find myself being like very distant from my friends. I have no desire to explain to them all the stuff that's gone on with me. Even tho they do offer sometimes which I do appreciate it's just embarrassing how this low was pretty much kicked off by a heartbreak lol. I just idk I just wish time would stop. I wish things didn't stress me out the way they do, and I wish I would do something about my situation rather than wallow. I don't know what to do with myself. I am so checked out

I stopped taking care of myself and I everyday I look like I just crawled out of a dungeon, I look disgusting and unkempt. I despise the way I look and I hate doing anything, I'm literally developing agoraphobia because I hate my face and my body so much

I feel hopeless, part of the reason I let myself fall so far behind in school was cuz I was tryng to not kms lmfao like I just stopped cuz I'm likek theres no point if I'm j gonna lay down on the track in a week lol and idk I'm just a loser. I feel like an unsuccessful loser. I look at ppl my age living the high life and I just wish it was me, I wish I was a pretty popular girl. And like, I've fantasized I'll be so different in uni. I won't be a loser, I won't be alone all the time but I know things are gonna be the same. These are the ppl I will go into uni with, nothing will change. It's whatever though I'm just going to focus on school. I'm just so fkn jealous of normal people. Ppl who don't have to rehearse everthing they're gonna say in their head, ppl who don't front to try and seem less alien like

0 Comments
2024/06/20
02:39 UTC

1

I think I might have depression, but I’m not sure

As of recently I’ve felt very dissatisfied with the current state of my life. I feel like a loser and a leech. I don’t really have any friends, at least ones that I can consider close friends. I feel like no matter how much I try to lose weight my appearance always looks like shit. I also feel like a loser and a burden on my parents. I hate being like this. My life feels way too mundane. I want to be happy but right now I can’t be. I think what really bothers me most, like I stated earlier, was my lack of close friendships. I don’t even want a girlfriend right now, I just want someone that cares about me as much as I care about them, and I don’t have that.

0 Comments
2024/06/20
02:39 UTC

1

Help

Please I need someone please someone who had the capacity to talk I’m begging you I have no one by my side my parents have ignored my cries since I was 9 years old and none of my friends know not even my therapist knows how bad it is I just need someone I don’t want to keep saving myself please

0 Comments
2024/06/20
02:38 UTC

3

I just want to be normal

I hate knowing that I’m different from everyone and not knowing why. I’m silent 99% of the time I’m around people and it always makes it awkward even in groups. I was playing games with friends last night and I went completely non-verbal which so guess ruined the vibe or something cuz someone pointed out I hadn’t talked in a while and then everyone went pretty much silent for a while until I couldn’t take it anymore and just left. I’m so embarrassed and wish I could talk like a normal fucking person

2 Comments
2024/06/20
02:34 UTC

4

Empathy.exe has malfunctioned.

Whenever I try to be sad, I get told, "oh what have you even experienced in life to be sad".

I can see the well-intention. But c'mon, that won't make me happy just let me be sad in peace.

Why do they get angry that I am sad, I can see that they are putting in effort, and I am sorry that their efforts won't bear any fruit. Don't be angry at me because I am sad.

They tell me you want to stay like this, yeah, I accept it, I want to stay like this. I just need some rest for a while, is that so wrong.

Goodmorning by the way 🙂‍↕️.

2 Comments
2024/06/20
02:31 UTC

3

i don’t know what any of this was for

a little over a year ago everything in my life was technically going poorly. recent breakup with very long term partner, bad living situation, poor job, bad health habits, etc.

but i was… kind of happier than i’ve ever been? i had these two best friends and it felt like for the first time in my life i truly had a family, they loved me for who i was, i was accepted. i didn’t know what life would bring being single for the first time in my adult life, but could see myself becoming more like the person i wanted to be and felt excited by the prospects. we were going out all the time, building lives together.

it’s really bad if that was the best point in my life i guess, because it was still a huge mess full of sadness. but there was at least a purpose to it.

i should be happier now. i put so many things together that i was trying to make happen, i feel like i saw myself become the person i wanted to be, i have leisure time. but the dynamics have changed with those friends in so many ways and i don’t see them much anymore. so i feel like i just go home empty. i don’t know what all of that hope was for. i can’t have kids and i know im going to see them go on to make families and slowly become smaller and smaller in everyone’s lives. i’m here now, where i thought i was trying to be, and i feel so alone and don’t see the point in any of it and just want to go back to when everything was a mess but it was a mess with people who loved me. what do people do when they reach this point?

1 Comment
2024/06/20
02:29 UTC

2

I'm fed up

I don't want any more, I've had enough of not being lucky in anything, of having all my medical conditions, of being criticised for what I do or don't do, I would just like one day to end this cycle of sadness by just going to sleep one day and not waking up the next morning...

1 Comment
2024/06/20
02:21 UTC

2

I’m not sure

I feel so bad. It’s so saddening to have heard my friend’s experiences.

It pains me. I know they are in a much better state now, but it still pains me that those things has happened to them. None of those were what they deserved at all.

I know that every experience made us the person we are today, but if that was the price, I rather pray that they never had to deal with those things, even if they’d have became someone horrible or awfully different. I don’t care.

And oh, I feel so much sorrow. I feel terrible to have them be caring about my issues.

I wish I never admitted to those things I have trouble with concerned with them. I just want to be a good friend to them. I regret my desire for them to know me anymore in the aspect of my struggles.

I love them very much, I hate the past for them, and I hate for them to care about me so much.

I want to distance myself. But I don’t know if that’s the right choice either.

I want to make my loved ones happy,

1 Comment
2024/06/20
02:16 UTC

1

I (24M) don’t care if I die.

I’m not suicidal and would never even attempt to kill myself. I have a good life, family, a good financial situation, etc. however I could die tomorrow and really wouldn’t care. For instance, a year ago I donated a kidney to my father. Since I only have one kidney for the rest of my life the doctors really recommend eating healthy and taking care of my myself. I really haven’t been eating/drinking very healthy since then and I did blood work today to make sure my kidney is functioning well, but I got to thinking I really don’t care how my blood work comes back because I don’t really care if I die. If my other kidney gives out down the road and I don’t make it, that’s gods plan and I don’t really care. Is this normal?

0 Comments
2024/06/20
02:04 UTC

1

Every night i hope i wake up dead

Every night i hope i die in my sleep. 32 years old, no close friends, exhausting job, never had any romantic relationship. I night i just hope i get a brain aneurysm and just die in my sleep. Im too scared to actively take my life but I’ve been very close multiple times. I really just want it to end

1 Comment
2024/06/20
02:00 UTC

1

My biggest fear in life is to become an “npc” but I’ve become the ultimate npc, so I think suicide’s the move.

For a long time I’ve (27m) been scared of becoming some some who is defined be mediocrity and being boring. Of becoming a npc that’s stuck in a dull loop. Someone incapable of doing anything worth respect or admiration and no real skills or creations to offer to the world. I’m not good at anything. I never played sports growing up my body is also weak. Depressive episodes have made it even weaker than it should for someone at my age. With that atrophy came the recent news that I will likely not be able to run anymore do to incredible knee pain and osteonecrosis in my femur. I’m out of shape and weak. And even the two skills that I thought I had no one cares about or pays any attention to. I find myself every day off I have just going to Chick Fil A or going to the car wash, doing mundane tasks that don’t amount to anything just to somewhat convince myself that I’ve accomplished something. I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I thought I did but they’re paths that have been nothing but dead ends with nothing to show for. And now with no other options, I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I don’t nt know what I want to go to school for or anything. It’s terrifies me. I’m constantly scared of taking chances and gambles because the times that I do it doesn’t just end in failure, it is momental failures that have an impact on my life. I’m not built for any greatness or to have a meaningful impact. And with that I don’t see the point of being a part of this world when I have nothing of value to contribute.

1 Comment
2024/06/20
01:58 UTC

1

18m im planning on running away

Yeah I have my mind made up I made my choice about it I know what could happen I just cant stand it yk you can ask about it I just am looking for someone who can help me too or someone whos already taking the bus or you can just get to know me

3 Comments
2024/06/20
01:50 UTC

5

If I weren't a religious person, I would kill myself right now. I just want to be disapper as if I never existed.

All I have faith in God and religion, there are no other purpose, meaning or any pleasure to live for me. I'm in my late 20s but nothing going on in my life. I am in absolute loneliness, I have no close friends, girlfriend or family. Working in a well paid job I hate. All I do all day is going to work and coming home doing absolutely nothing like a robot.

It's too hard to describe how I feel. I feel constant shame without any clear reason and don't know why. I feel like I did something terrible for no reason.

0 Comments
2024/06/20
01:49 UTC

1

24yr old male

Hey Reddit,

I’m not an active user nor have I posted before. I’ve had Reddit downloaded so that when a google search takes me to Reddit it opens the app.

Today I’m here to humbly ask for help in the form of advice and support in the form of my first Reddit post. I’m not really sure where else to go, so I figured, “what the heck?”

The past year has been rough on me. Eight months ago, I was randomly assaulted after leaving a bar. I was knocked unconscious and when I came to, I was driving. I had fled the scene from the attacker by car.

I immediately realized I was driving while intoxicated. I pulled over off the shoulder on the side of the road. Then I blacked out again.

The next thing I knew a cop was knocking a flashlight on the glass. I guess I had thrown up outside the window and it was dripping down my car. The cop told me that she was responding to a 911 call of an assault outside the bar, and after one look she could tell I was the victim of the assault.

She didn’t ask me to take the breathalyzer because my cheekbone was caved in. Instead she called an ambulance and I was rushed to the hospital to detox from the alcohol. They also took my blood.

Two weeks later I think I had surgery? It may have been a month or six weeks later, I’m not really sure. But the next day my vision was cross eyed, badly. That lasted a few days.

I’ve finally finished the program to get my license back “early,” after going through the requested counseling, taking classes, and paying all the money I had left. I’ve been sober and employed.

In the spirit of change, I decided to get surgery for an injury I had been putting off for the last seven years. The doctor told me I would be back at work in 6 weeks following the cast. I explained that I worked with teens with autism, and that some of these teenagers are aggressive. She said no matter, I would be good to go back to work.

It has been two months since I’ve been out of work. My wrist has not healed that quick. I don’t know what I was thinking to trust her. After talking to the occupational therapist, he said it would heal in 4-6 months with a return to full health after a year. Now I’m worried I need to find another job because I am running out of savings quick and I have no income coming in. And unfortunately Without my license I cannot get a job. I should have it reinstated in under a month.

I did have a job with a small local business I invested in that I was easily able to walk to. However, one night my partner was asking me about my license, which I had explained before. I told him I didn’t want to talk about it. He kept pushing.

He said, “you really need to stop drinking and driving,” which offended me because it’s not something I would normally do, nor did I intend to do it that night. I explained this and told him “that really took the wind out of my sails.”

I then walked away and sat down. A few minutes later he walked towards me and said “are you over there?” I responded “yes,” thinking he would be human and try to minimize the situation or apologize. Nope! He told me quite explicitly to “GO the FUCK home!!”

I asked him “what did I do?” and he said “I’ve been through worse,” and “I can see why that happened to you,” as if I deserved it. I felt betrayed. I haven’t gone back since.

Now I’m stuck at home with no license, no job, and no friends. I wake up in the morning and I scroll on TikTok like it’s my full time occupation. I’ve deleted it many times but I keep going back to it. Everything feels intolerable. I’m not sure how to get help or if anyone can help me.

I haven’t had a good experience with counseling. The other day I called a counseling center for help. The lady on the phone asked me what I needed help with in therapy and I mentioned the assault and a coworker who exposed himself to me. The lady on the phone laughed. I told her she was unprofessional and decided to look elsewhere for help.

About 10 months ago when I was applying for a job I asked an old coworker for a letter of recommendation. He told me he would do it if I went over to his house and hung out. No problem, that sounded like a good time—at first.

When I got there, he wasn’t wearing any pants. I should have taken this as a red flag, as this was the first time we had hung out and he knew I was coming over. Also, he had recently adopted a kid from the place we both worked at, and that kids door was open and you could see into his room.

It was mistake to overlook my coworkers lax behavior. While I was looking at the world map on his wall he pulled his genitals out. I told him I was leaving. On my way out the door he did it a second time. When I got in my car I received a text from him saying he would no longer be writing the letter of recommendation, and it went his fault that his junk just “happened” to fall out of the hole in his boxers.

The last counselor I had was through better help. I can’t afford better help anymore. I couldn’t afford it when I started, but they advertised a free week and I thought that meant they wouldn’t charge me $280 right away. I was wrong. This person recommended I continue counseling because of my recent traumas.

So, I’m still looking but it’s not fun being laughed at by the therapists secretary.

On the flip side, my parents are of no use to talk to. They seem completely oblivious to how dead I feel inside, even when I tell them I’m having a hard time. They even check up on me. No one does.

My dad does drive me to my occupational therapy appointments, and he has driven me to other appointments and court. I don’t know what I would have done otherwise. I’ve made sure to thank him every time. I made sure to get him a Father’s Day present even though he told me not to. But most of the time when he picks me up we just sit in silence.

I feel like a loser and a failure. I hardly see anyone and it’s difficult to see anyone as my friend since it doesn’t seem like anyone thinks about me enough to check up on me. I used to try and check in with my friends but it’s gotten to the point where I don’t want to be the one putting all the effort in to stay connected.

I feel alone and like I’m in a rut. I feel like the guy who assaulted me got what he wanted with no consequences, since no one ever found him. The police stopped looking after a week. I feel like no one cares that I’m struggling, and that people only care about other people in the way that makes them feel good, for years I’ve tried to be the person other people rely on only to find out I never found anyone I could rely on. I feel like a broken person with no options.

I suffer from anxiety, depression, intrusive thoughts, TikTok addiction, loneliness, worthlessness, cynicism, hopelessness, laziness. I get stuck in bed. Making food for myself feels like an impossible chore, and I’m running out of food. I’ve been starving myself because it’s too difficult to make food.

If you’ve made it this far I assume you’re going to say “it gets better!” Or, “keep going!” or congratulate me for continuing to seek help after everything I’ve been going through. I’m trying to be grateful, I just have no motivation. I feel like I’m rotting and I want to stop. I know the solution is to get off my damn phone and do the work, I just don’t want to. I would rather starve and scroll on my phone than make dinner. I need help and I’m losing hope that there is any real help out there. I feel alone. I feel lost. The only thing keeping me going is mindlessly scrolling on my phone. It’s embarrassing and pathetic, and my intrusive thoughts fight hard to make me feel worse or to make me think that

I don’t even know why I’m writing this. I don’t even believe any of you can help me. And even if I want your support it’s not real. Only I can make my life better. By breaking the cycle. And I’m trying. I just don’t think I’ll ever see the world the same. Help.

0 Comments
2024/06/20
01:49 UTC

1

I've hit bedrock

I've been going through the nastiest depression episode of my life. I could barely finish the college term but I managed to come back "home" to my mother's house. After a three week episode of "cooling off" (bed-rotting) I realized this isn't going anywhere. This is an anguish I simply can't sleep off.

I'm inherently a beaming, positive person. I'll be ok if I can just "Start on my classes" if I can just "pass the exam" if I can just "relax at home during the break". I keep looking forward to what's next as "the" thing that will finally save me, chasing a high that is never actually there.

As of today, I managed to bark my way out of inheritance after a mean yelling session with my mom. I called her a stupid whore, which she is, but I meant to keep it bottled up so she can keep sending me money through collage and I can keep pretending to be her lovely daughter, alas.

I've never pitied myself. I've never asked for salvation. As I said, there is an unmovable force of life in me, that is just unashamedly begging for the next milestone, obnoxiously believing everything will change and I'll finally be alright.

People say "I've never seen you make a mistake" about me. Which couldn't be farther from the truth. When I make a mistake, I just don't complain, I don't whine. Not because I'm a stoic chad, but because I know I'm not worth enough to complain.

I wanted to write this because I'm getting back on my antidepressant tomorrow, as I can't afford a therapist or a psychiatrist visit, I've decided this is my last resort. Sertraline 50 mg for the inital two days, then 100.

Thank you if you've read this far. I want to hear if your experience is similar to mine.

0 Comments
2024/06/20
01:44 UTC

2

A broken heart

I’ve been having such a rough time. I’m an 18 year old girl and I just graduated high school. I got a boyfriend in March who took me to my senior prom in April and I was so happy. I danced the night away with him and I felt the happiest I’ve felt ever and he stayed the night at my house and we had some “fun” and fell asleep in each other’s arms. Felt like I was actually living. He broke up with me like a month ago because he “lost interest in me” and now I feel worse than ever. He made me so happy and I liked him a lot just to find out that I don’t know how much of it was real. I keep having dreams about him and things going back to the way they were that night. He was in college and had to move back to the city for the summer and I didn’t know that when I dropped him off the night before he left and we cried and hugged and kissed would be the last time. I’m kicking myself for not doing more when I had the time and wondering why he lost interest. I’m doing everything in my power to not text him that I miss him so much. It’s the first time I felt loved and I got attached to that feeling. I’m trying to get over it but my heart is still shattered in a million pieces. I’m trying my best to pick up the pieces and glue them back together but I don’t know how because deep down I still love him and miss him so much. How have you guys gotten over a heartbreak and moved on? I need help.

1 Comment
2024/06/20
01:39 UTC

1

I've gotten to the point where even thinking about ending my life makes me numb

Ever since I was around nine I have wanted to end my life because I was severely bullied and even now as a teenager I still do but now I'm completely numb even thinking about it. What should I do?

0 Comments
2024/06/20
01:28 UTC

3

I’m tired of everything

I’m tired of my mental illnesses I can’t work enough because of my debilitating anxiety I do work I hate as my side hustle which barely brings anything and embarrasses me to the world I’m tired of struggling to survive my real part time job is ok just tiring labory and pays only 12$ an hour which I get paid 280$ every two weeks I’m just disgusted at myself for the things I’m doing desperately to make money to survive

0 Comments
2024/06/20
01:27 UTC

1

If life is a race..

..then death is the finish line.

So there are only losers in life.

Only winners in death.

1 Comment
2024/06/20
01:27 UTC

1

26M and have just reached my breaking point after a decade of mistakes. So much regret, I can’t cope anymore

I’m 26M and have just reached my breaking point after a decade of mistakes. Alcoholic sex addict with ADHD and now anxiety, depression, OCD.

I had all this problem solving talent and I’m pretty good looking with excellent communication skills. Really thought I could be a star in the corporate world.

Drank a lot in high school and finally started blacking out very easily in college. This led me to perform poorly in my classes and struggle with relationships and girls.

Was able to still get a decent job and moved to New York with plenty of friends, I got seasonally depressed and impulsively left the job quickly after a promotion. Instantly regretted leaving and spiraled ended up spending 10s of thousands of dollars at strip clubs putting me in bad credit card debt.

I had to move back to my childhood home where I was even more miserable and continued working this new job I hated. Still drinking, blacking out, and frequenting the clubs staying in debt.

Was finally going to get back to NYC after 8 months at home with a sublet and had it all planned out but then I impulsively popped a lesion on the shaft of my dick I got from a sexual encounter which likely spread a contagious chicken pox like infection called molloscum all over my body.

I’m so depressed and anxious about this infection I can’t work and properly manage this infection. I’m going to lose my job and am just constantly ruminating on my past choices which led me here. I had so many chances to live the life I wanted but now it’s so far away and I don’t have the mental energy to get to where I want to be.

I had it all, I shouldn’t have left NYC and my great job. I shouldn’t have gotten molloscum and I definitely shouldn’t have popped it knowing what I did at that moment. I fucked it all up and I’m very unsure of how I get back from here, I don’t know if I can do it. My only option is to work through it and get back but I don’t think I can.

All I can think about is the regret and bad choices throughout my life, I don’t know if I can get through this and just want to escape my problems. I can’t imagine myself powering through and just want to die but it’ll make my family and friends so sad.

I don’t see the light and it’s going to be so dark until I do. Feel like I don’t have any options

0 Comments
2024/06/20
01:20 UTC

1

I just need to vent.

Last year for most of the year I felt great I had a fairly well paying job with prospects and for seemingly no reason I couldn't bring myself to go anymore without having an anxiety attack and haven't been able to keep a job since then I know that being alone all day in the dark is terrible for me but I can't bring myself to do anything else.

1 Comment
2024/06/20
01:15 UTC

1

I feel like I'm unable to have dreams/happy moments anymore

Been depressed for a very long time, honestly it feels like it all started over a decade ago and never became completely ok. But at first I at least thought it would eventually get better.

Now I just can't think that anymore. A few months ago I felt like I was finally getting somewhere. I got suitable meds, I found some new interests/sources of motivation, and I even found a therapist. But then something awful happened that just broke it all again, and now I feel like I'm drowning. This thing would make anyone depressed, even the happiest people, but for me there's also this undercurrent of thinking how it will never get better, how it will always be like this, how every small ray of hope or a step forwards would be crushed by something external anyway so why bother. I am just so exhausted, I can't fight anymore.

0 Comments
2024/06/20
01:14 UTC

1

Unsure of my self image/how people actually perceive me

Hello,

I have been trying to improve myself and I have come to kind of a roadblock. I have no idea how people perceive me anymore and sometimes it drives me crazy. I know there’s that mantra of “don’t care about others’ opinions” or “live for yourself” but I can’t just not care about people’s opinions about me when it comes to forming social connections. I have been told by my guy friends that I am an attractive guy and that I shouldn’t be so hard on myself, and I believed this for sometime, but I am coming to realize they were lying to me or sugarcoating. I know they had good intentions, hopefully, but it’s really messing me up right now because I thought that if I wanted to date then I would just keep what I’m doing now physical wise and then just improve socially. But now I have to do both. The reason why I know they are lying is because how women actually treat me. One of my friends told me that she was scared of me throughout high school, and she still sometimes doesn’t want to hang out with me because of that. Now I am an average build average height Indian guy, not scary at all in a threatening way. I’ve tried to talk to other girls (not in a flirty way, just like casually talk) and they are either very avoidant or rude. I don’t think I say anything creepy, just the normal small talk. I understand that the less attractive you are the worse you are treated by people, so this could mean that I am uglier than I thought. This is not limited to women as well, I am occasionally bullied by guys in college or even by some of my family. Even within my friend group I am kind of a filler friend or B tier friend. I think I am a pretty respectful person so I don’t see why I would be treated bad for normal reasons. I also don’t know where to go in terms of attractiveness, i workout regularly, eat healthy for the most part, have a sense of style (or have been told so, don’t know if that’s a lie), stay clean, and smell good. I’m working on my social skills, but I can make conversation with strangers pretty easily and be funny sometimes. It’s just very discouraging, I use to feel that I was a 6-7/10 (altho by today’s standards that is average) but I think I’m lower than that now. Should I just give up on dating and ignore everyone’s

TLDR; Friends lied, I’m kinda ugly cuz ppl treat me worse than I treat them. Idk what to do

0 Comments
2024/06/20
00:56 UTC

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