37m if that matters anyone care to talk ?

Hi all. I'm 22F. My birthday is on December 13th, and I've never felt more suicidal. I am losing my front tooth on the 9th to genetic dental decay, and I already have no self confidence. I feel so, so low. Ive been doing nothing but smoking weed and drinking. Nothing helps. I honestly think on my birthday I'm gonna go out with my benzos and alcohol. I don't see a reason to keep going. A fucking virgin, can't drive, no teeth and childhood arthritis from genetics. I tried for so long to see the positives in life but honestly where are they now? My mom doesn't care, dad's a narcissist asshat... Yeah... Thank y'all for letting me vent some.

Just wish it would happen already...

And no I don't want to seek help I don't want your sympathy I don't even know why I'm saying this and ruining your day I'm just so done absolutely so so done there's nothing I like about myself absolutely nothing. I'm a better and more intelligent person than I used to be ,still there's nothing I like about me. Absolutely nothing. My doctor won't give me alprozalam anymore and told me to go back to my psychiatrist and get help, no I don't want to spend money on that it's the most useless thing and it has been proven. All I want is to take 40 0.5mg Alprozalams and go to sleep right now and I don't want wake up.

Would it hurt more to be hit head on by the train or would it be worse to to be cut in half by the trains wheels?

"It’s becoming too much now. I have no one to talk to, and living in a country where asking for help makes you seem like you're mentally ill, I just need someone to vent to."

23M here, posting again because i have nobody to talk to

I have settled on sodium nitrate as my suicide method since it has over an 80% success rate and relatively little to no pain or discomfort. I am unemployed with a bachelor degree, i am completely broke and cannot afford to pay for rent from january onwards and have wanted to kill myself since about 12 years old. becoming homeless will be the breaking point as i could not get help for my mental illness while i had a home. its the final push i needed all of these years. i am fairly happy with what ive achieved in my life but no matter what i will always have this mental illness dragging me down, so i guess this is goodbye

A while ago, I went through a really tough time. I ended up on the train tracks, waiting for the train to come in 2 mins and the station police noticed what I was doing. They rushed to stop me and threw me back up on the platform. I was taken to the hospital and stayed there for a while, but even after I left, I still don’t feel okay. I feel like I’ve messed up, and it’s hard to shake this feeling.

I’m struggling because of a fight with my best friend. We’re not talking anymore, and I can’t see a way to fix things. I miss them so much. Everything around me reminds me of them. They were always there for me, helping me through relationship struggles and supporting me when I was hurting. But now, because of one fight, we’re no longer friends, and it’s really painful. They have PDA, so reaching out to them wouldn’t be possible because it might seem like a demand to talk and that would trigger them.

Every day, this feeling just gets harder to handle, I cry everyday thinking of the friendship I ruined, I don't feel like I deserve anyones friendship, I feel like I would hurt them like I did with the person I considered my bestfriend, so I ended up cutting all my friends out of my life, I blocked basically everyone. Because I don't want the same pain I got from the lost of my bestfriend.

I plan to go to a bridge near me on the highway and to jump off it. I just want this feeling to end.

I'm sorry, I just wanted someone to hear me. I don't really use reddit.

i regret my past so much that i can't change in any way and my incredibly stupid decisions and because of that, i now have a pigment/burn mark on my right hand that will never go away, and believe me, i tried to ignore that for over a year but now i can't anymore, it looks so fucking ugly and out place that every single person asks what the fuck is this, now i am just jealous of people having a normal skin. i even tried getting a laser surgery on my hand done, but it didn't fucking do anything. every time i look at it, that always reminds of the accident where i got it. i can't live with this reminder of my own stupidity any longer. i would cut my flesh off to never ever see it again because nothing else helps. i hate this so much.

What's the point of staying? I know I am a burden to most people I talk to. And for my best friend, i messed it all up with her. Why even try? I might just go do it after I post this. I've come to terms with death.

All my life people have ostracized me and bullied me. I've been abused, emotionally neglected and violated throughout my childhood. Other girls won't hang out with me and guys tend to think I'm disgusting. My parents were to busy at work and I was being abused by my primary caregiver. Men working for my dad were touching my privates and I thought it was nothing wrong.

I'm neurotypical and I have not been diagnosed until recently. People have been calling me a weirdo and I was misunderstood, and I never knew what's wrong with me until recently. I wish I knew what to tell them when I never even understood it myself.

I'm going through a lot right now. My father died. We have been facing lawsuits. My psychotic relative is threatening and harrassing us. I'm facing betrayals left and right. My work performance is dropping and I'm being asked to leave. I can't eat and sleep. My life has been one unfortunate event after the other and I have reached my limit a long time ago.

People have been telling me that it will get better, but I'm just spiralling down. I lay down on the bed and pretend that I'm dead, and that calms me down. I'm giving up the fight and I feel like I'm in my last days. I'm tired.

Can anyone talk to me i wanna end it

Edit: sorry in advance for the run on sentences.

My last suicide attempt was when I was a kid but I’ve always been suicidal. Last time I made a plan was about a year and a half ago. I was majorly considering it a few weeks ago but I just moved across the country into a new apartment and don’t have much stuff so couldn’t figure out how to do it bc I’m not prescribed benzos anymore so I just got really drunk and took some of my nightmare beta blockers and called a suicide hotline before I took a load of everything I had (not much really Idk if it would’ve even worked) because someone who I thought was my best friend ditched me that night when I reached out to them about feeling suicidal (first time k had reached out to them about this despite feeling it a few times throughout our friendship. I went over to their house multiple times at odd hours to stop and support them when they’ve been suicidal). They (ex friend) were being really aggressive and trying to start an argument I didn’t even quite understand what they were saying or what was going on. I think they relapsed (stimulants/potentially meth?). When I was a kid/in college I was a bit reliant on benzos but never had to go to rehab or anything. So our struggles in that area are a little different. Idk that’s not even relevant.

I started dating someone like a few days after that night and it felt like I was brand new and finally felt purpose and creative and excited to be alive for the first time in years. I stupidly opened up to them about that night (without putting pressure on them I would never ever want someone to think they are liable for keeping me alive) and they broke up with me tonight. I think it scared them away but I thought it was safe because they shared a time they attempted suicide and how they’ve experienced suicidal thoughts/ideation. So idk. Just the other day they were acting like they were in love with me. I’ve been keeping my guard up but this caught me and my depression so off guard (I found a therapist and am supposed to go next week so I don’t have much support). I’m 26F and I don’t ever have sex without condoms, much less have sex until I’m actually in a committed relationship or at least a month or two in. But I was feeling reckless because of how depressed I was and figured I might not stay alive much longer anyways but then I started feeling purpose and love etc. and we had unprotected sex so now I feel guilty and like an absolute idiot whore for that (grew up in a strict/abusive religious household). I also stupidly shared with them how I walked into traffic about a month ago but I only did because of what they shared and I really thought it was safe. I never tell people that shit that soon into dating and now I’m even more embarrassed and ashamed. I never even like sex but it was different with them and now I just feel like a slut. I hadn’t felt that happy in I don’t know how long and now it’s just gone. I’m positive I scared them away and now I’m kicking myself for it. But they opened up to me first so I’m just so confused…

Thinking about getting a gun this week. At least just to have it. I’ll try my best to sit on it a little longer. It feels really good to get this all off my chest. Thanks anyone who reads this.

Been getting more and more violent with my attempts/SH. Nxt yr may well be the last, i guess i'll see. Maybe i'll make a lot of money from work; maybe i'll be useless and then poor. I don't know either way, something bad is going to happen to make me choose to live or die.

A while back, a tried to make a post about my experience just trying to piece my life together. It was a veritable wall of text, and didn't make it to public viewing. I felt like it was my only way of meaningfully wording my chronology, and when it was blocked I felt devastated without direction. I disappeared from reddit entirely for a while.

That reason was a suicide attempt by hanging. In my attempt, I made too much noise and my mother intervened. I was strung up for less than a minute, thanks to the kicking of a swivel chair.

I do not recommend this AT ALL. The tightness of the braided utility rope I had is barely different from any other rope in it's effectiveness. Your brain goes in to panic mode withing the first few seconds of realizing something is wrong. I kicked to free myself, but it just scratched and cut deeper. I tried to scream but my lungs felt empty. The fear, the struggle, all of it would've led to a numbness from bloodflow restriction had my mom not came home and heard what i can only describe as "gacking" or gasp-choking.

She saved my life and got me the help I needed. It is at this point I feel I owe her for allowing me to actually remember this horrifying experience. While I still have that desire to just disappear from existence sometimes, I can safely say I'll never try that method again.

To the users who reached out with concern, I'm sorry I didn't respond. I have been in no mood or condition to contact anyone for days, but yes I am still alive, even if regretably at times.

To the user Star Thief, Telling me to shave my head would've been pretty funny if my hairstyle wasn't already a long undercut.

See y'all in the wild blue yonder.

~Babsy

I’ve never wanted to commit more than right now , I’m actually going to do it . I need someone but I’ve got no one , I’m half way through writing notes , I’m going to do it at midnight . I can’t …….

I'm a 19 year old. Closeted queer, outside the gender binary, bi. I belong to a regular Indian family. They're Hindu but I'm somewhere on the atheist-agnostic spectrum. I can't afford therapy or mental health consultations but I'm certain some stuff is up in my head.

I'm in college right now. Not a good one at all. I couldn't get into the good central universities here and couldn't afford to abroad (I got into some really good UK universities). It hurts every day, even though the subjects I study are the ones I wanted to, and still do. I'm not being challenged academically and am concerned I'm not receiving good education. My mental health has led to a significant deterioration of my physical health as well. Of course, I don't have any motivation for college. My sleep schedule is fucked. I can't fall asleep for hours and am regularly going to sleep at anywhere from 2 to 6 am. But the kicker is that once I do fall asleep, I can't wake up. I've woken up in the evening or with barely a couple of hours of sleep. I'm not close to being the best student I can be and always had to potential to be.

Like I mentioned, I'm queer and closeted. I don't look into the mirror because the pain in my perception of my own body almost manifests in physical weight on my chest. I am out to a couple of people in my life but there's nothing else. I live at a place where I don't have any acquaintances in my immediate vicinity. However, I still can't be the way I am, both because of financial constraints and societal ones.

I am from a middle class family. I don't do well in rich-people situations.

I'm not alone in my queerness, but I am alone in my experience here. For all it's worth, I am alone in all my experiences. I am in a city where I don't have anyone (assuming I do have people to call my own even outside this place). I don't speak the language. To be honest, I don't want to meet new people. You know how some people have short-lasting social batteries. Well, I would argue my social battery is non-existent. I don't want to meet new people. I want to salvage what I had, or what I thought I had.

I am so alone.

I don't have anything to back this claim, but I do think there's a certain amount of affection - physical, emotional - that people require for a basic level of quality of life. I would think that everyone craves and scientifically requires positive social interaction in the form of such affection. Regardless of whether that is true or not, I do crave it. And, you do crave more of what you have never had. I was a weird kid once. Heavily bullied from elementary to middle school. I made friends but basically lost them all after leaving the few schools I have attended. Even the people I am still in touch with aren't as dependent upon me for their social gratification as I am upon them. I love that for them but it only makes me isolate myself further. I don't know how common this is, but I truly have never really hugged a friend or really any well-wisher. Simple things like hugs, holding hands or even just nice words seem so outlandish. Of course, one component of that is Indian society, I get that. But I am 19; fucking hell. It's a failure on my part that I have never been able to build a social circle strong enough for these simple acts of affection to be commonplace in my interactions, or warranted when I do feel their need.

It's been years since I have cried. I'm not able to. I look weak and afraid in my loneliness. But, I want to cry. But I won't cry until I know I have the emotional protection of someone who genuinely cares and is willing to take the burden of my thoughts. I love doing that for others and believe that I have been that support for people before. If I have failed at being that support for the people I have ever loved, they know I'm regretful for it and am willing to be what they need.

I am extremely dysphoric.

One reason is, of course, me being trans. I have a lot of dysphoria because of my hair, voice and expression. But, also, I just dislike my body. I feel fat when I know I'm not that fat. I have reduced my diet a little bit. I have one heavy meal a day usually. Don't try to tell me that that's unhealthy because I do eat quite a lot and only I know what I look like. My face - it's not a face someone can love.

I feel like an impostor in online queer communities. One reason is just the nature of my gender expression. I don't look the way I know I am inside. Another reason is that I genuinely can't relate to the experiences of out and proud queer people who are either older adults or rich kids.

I experience existential dread and my philosophical musings often revolve around the nature of my existence as an individual and as a part of this race of creatures. While it does contribute to my suicidal ideation, my overall suicidal nature is also fuelled by a multitude of reasons that includes the things mentioned in this post.

COVID was tough for everyone. I lost my father. I'm not going to pretend like we were very close, but losing a constant like that halfway through high school is rough. His death left me more alone than ever. I don't feel like I have an obligation towards my family except for one person. My sibling is innocent. She lost our father at a much younger age than I did. She has gone through health conditions I wouldn't wish on anyone. I am someone she needs. My future income is key for her higher education one day. I never consented to being born, neither did she. We both were subjected to a cruel world for our parents to have a sense of purpose propelled by a need for social and familial approval. I can't leave my sibling.

No matter how much I suffer within myself. I know I won't kill myself, which makes everything worse. I won't kill myself because my sister deserved to have at least a semblance of normalcy in her life which requires the prevention of an unnatural death of her sibling. I don't have the security in my life that I would if I had the freedom to end it. I am pushed to the edge every day.

I take local edibles weekly. I had never assumed I would end up being the kind of person who would take cannabis to escape life, but here we are. I'm not proud of it, but I need it.

I love music, political theory, philosophy and so many other things. But, everything has stopped. I don't have the motivation to do anything. I almost have 100% attendance at my college because it is the only thing that forces me out of bed. This weekend is the first time in my life where I didn't brush for three days straight. I didn't have it in me to be able to. I didn't have college.

I wish I had someone around. I wish I had someone to hold on to. I wish I could be that for someone actively. I wish I experienced some direct affection.

My pain, whether valid or absurd, manifests in weird ways. One of them is sexually. I have been extremely libidinous and my fantasies have certainly elevated beyond a point of normalcy. I want to be hit, handled violently. That will make me feel something. I want a potent cocktail of violent love and gentle affection.

What's crazy? I have never dated. It's genuinely not something that would bother me if I had an active social life otherwise. But, I don't. I am a virgin, and the same thing goes for it, too. I wouldn't think of that as a problem if my affection needs had been fulfilled in other ways. But, I am starved of love. And the thing making it worse for myself is me. My loneliness makes itself more and more apparent, my motivation dies further and further. If I talk about these things, I'll just end up losing whatever I already have. Who wants to hear this?

I have an active plan for suicide. I have a few suicide notes. One is with an.... old friend. I am an adult. I have access to a rope and there is a fan in my room. I can get sleeping pills. If nothing else, I have a sharp blade. If I finally reach my breaking point, I fear my sibling will cease to be a factor in my decision to die.

im f16 and im a pansexual or something else it doesn’t matter this isnt going very organized i dont know how to live i feel like i dont deserve to for being gay and im going to hell for this one soul trait . im so tired everyday i wake up wishing i didnt im not the daughter my mother wanted and ik know damn well my dad would disown me for being gay my whole life is ruined by this one thing i cannot control and i am so tired i dont wanna wake up again and i am debating overdosing on some pills i have and maybe this is a cry for help or some last resort to decide if i should do it or not i just want answers and i dont know if anyone’s opinion is going to help but this is my last resort im sorry if i don’t respond Is my existence a crime?

I’ve been living with mental health problems as long as I can remember, I just had times where they were bad and where they were manageable.

I kinda promised myself that I would leave when my parents are gone, and that I wouldn’t form any romantic relationship, cause I don’t want anyone to hurt for my choices. And this promise put me in the manageable state for quite a while, knowing I have a way out eventually (working hard to ignore the fact that I would have to wait 30-40 years).

But it’s getting way too hard. It feels like everything is closing in on me. Everyday is exhausting, even if I find one good thing about the day something else always ruins it. I’m physically dragging myself through hours and days.

Outside factors don’t help either. My contamination OCD is making my family uncomfortable. My father won’t even look at me cause he’s mad about the way I talked to him. My mother just wants to get over the uncomfortable atmosphere and wants me to apologize whenever there is a conflict, whether it’s my fault or not. Honestly I’ve been having conflicts more frequently in a futile attempt to acknowledge my feelings. Why did I did that. Why did I think it would make me feel better, that maybe my feelings do matter, when all it does is to bring problems. Why do I have to make people upset or uncomfortable all the time. I ruin relationships when I talk or express my feelings. People drift away cause I don’t open up when I shut my mouth.

And these things are hindering me from my studies. I managed to get into a good uni but now I’m not in my head. I can’t keep anything in my brain and the finals are in less than two weeks. I have to study, it’s the only way I would be able to do my job cause I major in nursing. I’m already worthless, I can’t afford to be useless too. If I’m gonna stay alive another day at least I have to be useful, to be something.

It feels like everything is closing in on me, everything is slipping through my fingers. I should have succeeded in my attempt all those years ago yet I’m still here. Don’t tell me to go to the hospital, it will be on my record and it will keep me from doing my job after graduation. Plus I did have medical help when I was in high school, pills and therapy didn’t work.

Sorry for the long rambling but I can’t take it anymore. I want out, I just have to get out, it not the places or people it’s me. There’s something wrong with me and I don’t know anymore

?

The only thing that gives me any helpful or significant amount of relief anymore is thinking about killing myself. I want to be alone in the woods, surrounded by tall trees and birds singing while i'm laying in the dirt bleeding out slowly. I think about this everyday. I think about it when i wake up, when i'm in the middle of talking to my family and smiling, when i'm out, when i'm waiting to fall asleep. I've seen enough. I don't want to get better anymore, i just want to fucking die. This is torture

Is it normal to be suicidal somedays and not other days? I'm just confused and curious.

I'll probably do it then. I deserve it. I ruined my life, I ruined the life of so many others. I've done enough research to know my method is 99.9% full-proof if I can stay alone. Anyone got advice or got any methods they want to share?

first don't get me wrong I have great friends and somewhat great family and im fully grateful for everything they done but I'm just to tired of life i barely feel happy and when i do i still have thoughts of ways i can kill myself to be honest the reason i haven't done it is because you know the pain that comes with it and leaving people i truly care about in this world and also because i feel selfish if i go through with it because i tell myself there's people who go through worse you know so i shouldn't say i relate because that just selfish of me but its like this im just tired im really tired of always trying my very best to be good kid but danm having strict African parents isnt for the weak and I'm obviously weak and i hate my mindset im scared of it and ye people can tell you that you can change but i've drained i wont say i had horrible life but i will say i never ask to be in this world and when you think about it that way i guess im just lucky but this doesnt feel lucky. from being born to age 9 i had very bipolar mom that made me believe in God in many ways so ye now i dont believe in God for personal reasons and during that we were homeless, sleeping in our car, shelters, roommates and all didnt end well but she decided she didnt want me anymore so she tried to starve me because she thought i stole something and god told her that was only way to get me to give it back and when that didnt work she tried putting me in juvie so many times (p.s i never stole what she accused me of ) and gave me to system because she felt that was best way and because of that i met my dad for first real time when i was 9 which i don't know is already a lot? but even after my dad got custody over me he also had life before me so he made this family i barely even new but he did supposedly take care of me the mother hated me the sister was like little sister i never had at time but the brother s/a the both of us which was to age 9-14 and the boy was around same age as i was and that ruined my mindset because now when instead of fearing sexual activities like that happening again i lowkey hope deep down it will because i feel that fuck me up so bad that i truly dont understand that it was really that bad and when i think about it i tell myself it was my fault im just a freak because from child I've know im very hyper sexual which is even worse and disgust me very much but anyways i got out of that and when i did i starting actually living with my dad where i started harming myself because everything but i dont know maybe im bipolar or maybe my dad is but he's never truly made me happy to be myself he always telling me for smallest things that how i act is going to get me nowhere in life like for instance this was recent and not that bad there been worse but basically i went to his room because he callled me and he ask me to get him some water because he was holding my sister and i was like ok but then i was playing around with my sister and he ended up giving my little sister to my step mom to hold her and so as joke i said laughing to make it less serious so are u going to get water now and he got all mad talking about who do i think i am? do i think im he one of my little friends and how because of that he made he can make me 10 times walking to his room and back to kitchen holding his water its just little stuff like that there's more but ye im just done trying to tell myself im just crazy and he's right because i tell people these situations and they feel like my dad is crazy but i guess i'll just keep convincing myself that im wrong and insane tell i've had enough. if you read this far thx for being interested but i'm not worth it

I'm a failure, I don't understand why people would even see my potential when I clearly suck at all the things I'm doing. I'm an academic failure with barely understanding basic curriculum. I have no common sense which made me repeat the same mistakes over and over again. And I suck at doing both of my hobbies like in art where I takes me weeks or more to finish something that looks like it's done by a preteen and my writing is just incoherent garbage that's obviously a ripoff of what already exist.

I'm nothing but a Mentally Ill and useless manchild who's brain is literally made out of shit. I don't get why people would still have hope in me.

EDIT: I'm sorry this is so long. I realize this may not be the best place to be saying so much. I just needed to vent.

It feels like my life is falling apart around me.

My girlfriend left me. I loved her so deeply. I know it wasn't a perfect relationship but my love for her never dwindled. I miss everything about her. The hairs on her arms, the funny little faces she would make, her voice... I miss the little routine of a life we had. It was simple. It was nice. She was detaching for months before the breakup, so she's completely moved on. She's already seeing someone else, a guy she made friends with around a year ago. I made my attempts to get her back, but it was already too late by the time broke things off. Most of those attempts only pushed her further away. I crossed a lot of boundaries in doing so. Eventually I even called her mom out of desperation. At this point we were trying to be friends and I told her that I was just looking forward and moving on. Clearly, I couldn't keep up with that mentality. She was offended that I did that- she explicitly told me not to contact her mom. All her mom did was confirm the reality to me. So she fully cut contact with me on Halloween. I'm just glad that in all of those attempts I made, I at least got her to open up to me about everything. When I told her I was trying to move on, she genuinely opened up because she saw I wasn't chasing anymore and was more comfortable. She did want me in her life still. I'm also glad I got the privilege to take her to the restaurant we always wanted to go to and that nobody else took that opportunity away.

Anyways that was more exposition than anything. I ended up leaving the city we went to together for university and went back home. This would cost me a lot. I had to drop out of my classes so now I have to repay the entirety of my financial aid for the semester. I do not have that money and am now thousands of dollars in debt. I'm also leaving in a small 1x1 with my mom and brother. We share the same bed. The place is tiny. My mom was one of the main reasons I left. She can be batshit crazy at times. Just yesterday she was hitting my little brother and screaming at him because he pooped the bed. She was losing her mind. I was scared. So I went out and walked. That moment honestly caused me to spiral further than I already was. My family life is unstable.

My friendships are ruined. My closest friends all distanced themselves from me. They were disgusted with how I handled the breakup. The crossing of boundaries and the chasing- they saw it as a lack of respect and dignity. They don't really care anymore for the state of mind that I was in. I know I made mistakes and I know it wasn't right. I don't really know what else to say about it. I just feel like a monster. They make me seem irredeemable. And my two closest friends especially are bothered with me. They had to hear me vent about everything constantly. I guess it got overwhelming at some point. All the advice they gave me I went entirely against. The one that I'm closest to, she literally said she doesn't feel as close anymore. She celebrated her birthday without me yesterday. This little group of people i was really hoping I could rely on for some company here now that I'm back home. But I guess I've wasted that. I feel isolated and alone.

I honestly haven't been okay for a long time. My mom nearly went homeless, there was an ongoing custody case over my little brother, I had to be a fucking mediator for my mom and her several new partners, and we had to give away our dogs. So when I got dumped, my mental just plummeted. And honestly, I think my poor mental state is what caused me shift in attitude in the relationship. The increase in arguments, the lack of initiative and prioritization, I just wasn't okay. I get it though. I get it. It's not like I'm trying to use any of this as justification. Whenever I try to explain myself and my state, I feel wrong. My friends would just tell me that I can't be using those things as an excuse. That my mental state when she left me wasn't an excuse. I'm not trying to make it an excuse. I just want to feel understood and heard. But my bestfriend told me herself that she just can't open herself up to try to understand or listen to me emotionally like that anymore. Apparently there's other things that caused her to distance. Apparently me yelling and other things. I have a bit of a character, it's never serious. Just me messing around. Wish she would've just told me about these things. I'm so tired of people not voicing themselves. You just let all the little things bottle up and act like it's fine and then eventually it explodes and everything goes to shit. Same thing happened with my ex. She told me she gave me "signs". I'm not a magician.

And so, here I am. I left the entire life I had formed behind. My school, my apartment, and her, even though she's the one that left me technically. My friends are all distant, and I'm trying to mend things. I miss my dogs. My family situation is terrible and my mom is constantly fluctuating from fine to angry and wild. Living conditions aren't the best. I'm broke and in debt and unemployed. I don't know what to do anymore.

I've considered taking my own life. I'm really scared, but I'm losing the will to live. I've lost everything that brought me comfort. I'm mainly relying on my online friends at this point to help me. But sometimes I just want a hug and to just be listened to even if I'm crying. I'm so tired. My anxiety has driven most of my actions and poor decisions.

I've been trying my best to grow as a person, and I really felt like I was. I made progress. I practiced mindfulness. I grounded myself in reality. I practiced positive affirmations and I told myself that what I'm feeling is okay. I did everything I could do for myself in this isolation. But I feel depressed. And sometimes the anxiety just beats me down. And a lot of the time, I'm hoping to eventually feel good enough to be friends with my ex again. It's tough. There are days where I feel so much better than usual. God the amount of emails I've written up that are dedicated to her. Emails to just make things right. Not even romantically. Just as friends. There are days where I can accept the reality more than others. I wish I could just talk to her.

After my mom's episode yesterday I just lost it internally. I wish I could help my brother. Not that I haven't been considering suicide before this. When my bestfriend told me she just didn't care about me as much anymore and everything went to shit, I also wanted to kill myself.

I searched up "bridges near me" yesterday. I'm tired. I got desperate and contacted some people yesterday. Two people are willing to spend time with me today. And that's nice. An old childhood friend and a coworker. But now I just feel like rotting away in my bed. I don't even know if I want to go out. And that's so stupid because I also know I don't want to be alone. Maybe in my heart I just don't want to be a burden. I don't know. Maybe it's cause, despite how sweet they're being, those aren't the people I want? I want my friends back. I want my partner back.

God. It's selfish. To want the attention but then not take it when it's handed to you.

I'm scared to die but I want to die and I'm worried that if I get worse mentally that it'll settle in as what I choose to do.

But I'm not depressed or anything, I dunno what's happening

I genuinely just want to disappear forever. I hate playing life's game. Everyone in my life has been horrible to me at some point and I don't feel like I'll ever be able to trust anyone at this point. I tried to kill myself in March of 2022 by overdosing on benadryl but I got too scared so I ended up in the hospital. Sometimes I really wish I would have just let it kill me. I'm also glad it didn't, because my mom and dad would have had to find my dead body. But now that I live alone, it would be so much easier. There are a lot of reasons why I hate being alive. Even family members comment on how depressed and miserable I am all the time when I see them. I might as well just fucking do it. I could lock myself in my apartment and starve myself. Or try overdosing again. Maybe I'll hang myself, that one would be hard to get out of. I just don't see the point anymore.

I see no other option, fell behind academics. Was doing good the first semester then crashed when it's about to finish. I know i need help but i couldn't my parents doesn't believe it's real. Everyone thought im irresponsible but i'm just struggling

I cant take it anymore, i was showing signs but no one dared to even check on me. I know it's out of their responsibility and everyone has shit going on their lives. But, would it hurt to check on me? To atleast try and reach me? Why couldn't you mom? Why??

Ps. Messy, grammatical error

Edit: i appreciate the people who reached out, i will not be replying. I dont want anyone to be a reason for me to stay. Thank you

I'll try again tomorrow night I'll cut and try to aim for every vein I have I haven't tried that yet I have to stick to this no matter how much it hurts I deserve this I don't deserve any more chances