I wish I could incinerate every single one of you clueless idiots who told me to reach out. Even after I gave up on treatment because it never fucking worked you all just hammered that I needed to seek it out.

So I did. Found the only mental health clinic I could afford. Was assigned a counselor.

I told her I was suicidal, that life wasn’t worth living, all my problems I couldn’t fix, and she gave me a cup of water and told me to go outside more. That’s it.

I hope every single one of you pieces of garbage burn alive. I was right that treatment is dead.

I am so tired of feeling like an utter failure. I can’t seem to get a head with anything, let alone catch a break and breath. My thoughts have worsened to a point that I am waiting to hear sent over the edge. The thought of not being here brings such a piece that I haven’t felt in years. Like what is the point of life if all I do is suffer and have to fight to exist.

1. 3 attent pills (adhd medication)
2. Half a bottle of valerian, around 25 pills
3. Ferrifol - Hydroxide polymaltose complex 100mg, Folic acid 0.40 mg (Iron deficiency medication) around 30 pills

Will this kill me? How long will it take and what side effects would I have to endure before it happens?

Does anyone has experience maybe?.. Is there another easy metod?

I did extremely well considering what I came from, but I'm 35, I'm tired. Without a permanent place to stay since 16. I wouldn't manage to start over in one more another country, I have done that so many times before.

I do not want to commit marital fraud mostly because of lifelong extremely bad experiences with people who I depended on - I genuinely worry that surviving legally tied to a person would end up being far worse than dying. So this is it, either they approve my investor permit or I am ending it.

I got definitely the farthest ever in this country, and my life has been mostly pretty good as far as I could control it. So even if things fail now, I am happy.

I can’t take it anymore. My mental health is horrible. I can’t seem to stop having crying spells. Not sure how much longer I can take this.

The amount of pain I have just from living in my body is insane. The amount of things I can’t do that I want to is high. I want to cry just seeing cis women exist. I’m a fucking abomination that shouldn’t exist. My life will always suck because no matter what, I’m always trans and never passing. If I can’t stealth, then there’s no point in life.

I have a brain growth that makes it so I can't eat/drink and swallow. I also have epilepsy. I take 1750mg of keppra x2 a day now. I also use medical cannabis(oil) in combination cause the keppra doesn't stop all seizures. I don't have enough money to afford the medical marijuana, therefore I suffer seizures all day. I'm just gonna quit my keppra cold turkey. I am about to be homeless, I cant work or get SSDI. My anniversary is today, but my wife has just been telling n me how much she doesn't want to be married to me. The shelters are full and I will be sleeping on the streets probably soon. I cant make the rest of my rent, no church or government program will help me. They are gonna repo my car I cant even drive and they took all my stuff from storage and auctioned it. I'm just so tired and done. I get treated like an addict because people claim my seizures are withdrawals, which I've never done drugs in my life. They don't understand when I don't have the oil is like not taking my keppra, I'm not addicted I don't even get high. My life has been full of nothing but trauma from birth. Nothing but abuse and molestation my whole childhood, I question why I've ever gone on this far as it is. There is a really fast moving train tracks through my town. It would.be fast and a 10 minute walk to my house. To top it all off my wallet was stolen and can't get a new ID for weeks and can't even vote either which pales in comparison to everything else.

I'm 26(f) and I can't remember a time in my life I really enjoyed.
It's not like I had a completely horrible life, there sure are people out there who had or have it way harder than me. I have a lot of childhood trauma and a very (emotionally) complicated relationship with my direct family.
But besides that, I have my friends with whom I'm really close and I love them like my family.
They are honestly one of the only things that keep me going these days.

I've been in therapy for over a year now, took me only like 10 years to finally get there.
But I don't feel like it's helping. If anything it feels more like everything is getting worse.
Sure, there are moments I feel better now, but never.. good. Not really at least.
I can enjoy life. But only moments of it. I enjoy being with my friends, spending time with them - but as soon as I'm alone it feels like everything just crumbles.
I don't like my life. I never have and I don't see the point in it.
But at the same time I do want to live. Just not.. this life, I guess.
Or maybe I just don't know how to live my life.
I remember that I always longed to be home. Though, I don't know where "home" is. The only places that ever made me feel like remotely being home were fictional stories.
But that's all they are, they are fictional, so, that will never be an option as much as it hurts to accept that.

I just.. I don't know how to handle things.
I don't feel like I'm "dangerously suicidal", like, I don't fear I will wake up one night crushed down by depression and end things out of impulse. I've almost been there, so I feel confidently saying I'm not there right now.
But at the same time, I do think about ending things quite often, well.. probably daily.
Because there is just no point for me.
Even if I do manage to get rid of my depression and my trauma.. what's there to live for?
I don't see it. I don't get it.
It feels like I'm just living because everybody expects me to live. Because I have to think of all the other people I would affect if I'd end things.
But what about me? Why do I have to live this life I hate so much, why do I have to suffer through every day... just because of others?
One thing my therapist told me is to think about myself first. To take care of myself.
Well, I'm not sure any care in the world will make things better.
I know in theory that things should be better once I hopefully get rid of my depression and trauma.
But that's not a given. And it could take years.
Fucking years.
I just... I don't know..
I feel so lost and out of place. Like I don't belong here.
And it is so frustrating to feel like you shouldn't be here, that you shouldn't be living your own life.

I just thought about making a deadline for 30.
I'm almost 27 now, so that would be 3 years time to see if things get better. And if they don't..
Well.. I don't know.
I'm not sure if I could even go through with it. But I don't know how much longer I can keep going either.
It just.. hurts.

Well, at least it made me put down my thoughts on here.
I don't really know what I expect from this. But I guess part of me just wanted to share.
I'm open for any advice. As I said, I'm already in therapy, but we're kind of running in circles.
I'm so tired of living. It's so exhausting to keep going despite not wanting any of this.
And it just doesn't feel right that the only things bringing me some joy are a fictional universe and the occasional meet ups with friends.

I'm currently 29. I'm struggling with college. Years ago I was discharged from the military for depression and a cardiac issue. I have student loan and credit card debt. They say it gets better but it's bullshit.

I want to finally go through with it. I am not scared for myself, but for my family. I’m the glue that holds it together. They will also be so incredibly sad. They’re the only thing holding me back. I’m not allowed to be selfish.

I have tried meds, nothing at this point can help my depression. They just make it worse. I’ve suffered from severe depression most of my life. I had an affair a few years ago that has made things worse. I think about that person everyday. It drives me insane because they won’t go away, I know that it’s karma. I will never escape. Talking about it just makes it worse. I can’t reach out to them, it would cause too many problems for me, so it wouldn’t be worth it. I was only ever happy with them, honestly. I’m stuck in a never ending relationship that I don’t want to be in. Stay together for the kids…

I’m also in so much physical pain. I have a chronic connective tissue disorder that has made my life hell since I was in 2nd grade. I was diagnosed recently, despite having classic symptoms my whole life. No matter how hard I try, how many surgeries they do, they always fail. My muscles spasm and my knees are unstable. I can barely even walk and I’m only in my 30s. Everything hurts all the time. Pain meds don’t help. I’m scared of the future and for my career, as it’s all I have. I don’t want anymore surgery. I recently had a knee replacement and it was so hard. I have to have another one next year. My other knee is getting so bad. I just want amputations at this point. I was also told recently that I’m going to need bilateral hip replacements in the next few years.

My anniversary is tomorrow. 20-years. It’s also my child’s birthday, so it won’t be until next month at the earliest. I’m so ready.

I try to make friends maybe it's not for me

being hated everywhere then I try reddit and it's the same posts all removed when it's not they whatever

i want to plant a dynamite on my dick or maybe tie something heavy throw it on the ocean stupid idiot closed minded people stupid world we live people should learn how at least to be respect to others, it's so basic.

I'm a senior in high school and I am taking 9 classes to boost my GPA in hopes of getting into the right college. I was on a roll at the start of the year, but since October I started to slack behind and dug myself deeper and deeper into missing assignments to the point where I don't even want to look at my grades. I'm currently failing like 4 classes and I got withdrawn from one of my classes for being inactive (keep in mind half of them are AP and half are dual enrolled). Most of the teachers for my classes don't accept late work, and I feel like I've screwed up my life. I've been lying to my parents about my grades for over a month now and I can't find the courage to face them to discuss this because 2 of the most important things that they value from me are honesty and good grades. I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel for college admissions, and my parents know that I worked so hard the past 4 years to get into the college that I dream for. I have a 4.4 but I'm certain that even when I get accepted into college they will rescind my admission due to my grades from this semester. I don't want to live a life shaped with disappointment and failure, and I've been leaning towards taking the easy way out before they discover my grades and lies (which will be in the next week tops)

So first of all excuse my bad English language I'm from an African country my father poured all his efforts( savings, work) to educate me at one of the best schools also he loved bragging that i study in English language unlike the other local schools, but i didn't appreciate his effort and also barely passed the igcse exams because i didn't want to retake the exams i chose a major (business) which i thought it wouldn't destroy my future. However, I hated my university days then after graduating i realized that didn't know what to do with my university degree now two years post graduation and never used this useless degree. The thing which makes me mad and hate myself is that my family always saw me as someone who had the potential and now i'm 23 years old i was always the bad son, brother, friend, uneducated working as a driver killing myself would be a relief for me and my family i'm the oldest, my parents aren't young, they expect me to be someone, after a long time i realized all bad decisions were made by me (not caring about anything) , working as a driver after all the efforts made by my family would degrade my father's reputation because now there's no difference between me and the uneducated one. Also cannot deal with people or relatives because of my job even my parents i don't think they deserve me i'm just a piece of shit who didn't appreciate his parents effort, never took life seriously and deserves to die. Being dead is better than not being able to provide for your family. A little reminder i never made them proud I thought about different ways to end my life

1. jumping from a balcony (failed)

2)killing my family then myself 3) selling my kidney give them the money it would support them financially for a year or two then go to war so i will eventually die and no one will find my body. Even if someone had the chances that was provided to me in a poor country he would at least provided for his family but i'm just a failure who never had dreams and this is the result. Never been suicidal but death is better than being a failure and seeing your family suffer because of your shitty actions, decisions and never achieving anything in life. Life isn't for everyone. My parents don't deserve to have a bad reputation or a shitty life because of me I will commit suicide so my parents and siblings can say their oldest son/brother is dead not a failure

I’m done, period. I can’t keep doing this anymore, I am so close to just leaving this godforsaken world. Really, no one would care anyways. I can think of only one person who might, yet she lives on the other side of the world to me.

I just wanna fucking die.

I lost everything because of a loud event

I changed some details for privacy. Not an English native, sorry if there's any mistake. LONNNNNNNNG post, lots of useless detail but talking a bit about my life. TLDR : I had a normal life but debilitating tinnitus and hyperacusis destroyed me after one loud event with ear protection. Tips to avoid tinnitus at the end.

The title says it all. I pretty much lost everything. It all started about June of 2024. I had a tough year, lot of work, lot of pressure. I'm a very calm person. Never anxious before the event I'm going to talk about. Loved calm, silence, nature.

But during my studies, I met a girl which I had a short affair with. She was very kind and we had a lots of great conversation. She was really into partying, raves and stuff. I was not. I did not like much clubs and stuff like that. Being in a bar or at home was better for me. I did not like loud music either. I always protected my hearing, it was a bit more sensitive than my friends hearing it seems. Anyways. She was talking a lot about one festival and I thought it might be too much for me as I was not into these kind of events. But the thing is I was working really hard, maybe a bit too much and at some point I just felt that I needed to enjoy life more especially when I was young. So I decided to give it a go.

I don't remember how it came across the conversation but we ended up discussing me going to a festival with her. It was quite underground and I was not very well informed. She just told me that a lot of alcohol and drugs were going to be involved but that nobody were forced to consume. That was fine with me. I was not into drugs and not heavy into alcohol.

So I passed my finals. We continued to talked a bit, at the time, we were not anymore in a kind of FWB anymore. We were just friends. As more time passed by, I became hesitant to go to this festival as it seemed a bit extreme for me. Then I just figured out I could go and if it was really that extreme, I would quit or stay in my camping tent until it ends. Like no big deal. My fear was not living enough you know, so I just wanted at least to try. Again, no big deal. I just finished my intership and had a one month vacation so at worst I would lose 2 or 3 days of vacation if it wasn't great, you know ?

The day of the festival, we joined at some place to make the road together. It was a long trip. 8h30 roadtrip. The roadtrip went fine. Please, note that the festival was in another country. It will matter for after. Then we arrived, it was in the middle of nowhere. Like, really nowhere. The closest house would be like 1 or 2 km away.

So we arrived, we waited a very long time to enter on the camping site because the organization was messy (think 3 hours just to get into the camping site after arriving at the parking).

Music was already there and a bit loud, I felt it. Nobody felt troubled, only me. But it was particularly loud. It was loud techno. I found it weird as I was more expecting random, commercial songs or whatever types but not extreme techno and loud bass.

Then we met with others persons of our group that departed from the same city. They arrived after us. We just set up our part of the camp and went to eat. At 10 pm, the event really started and my life started to change for the worst.

There was a big mounted scene, I don't know how to call it in English but a big, enormous tent with all the musical, sound setup in it. I don't think the acoustics were great but it was not in my power to change that. The techno was played very loudly. Quite rapidly, I just lost my friends/acquaintances as we were a lot and they directly went to alcohol games. As someone who has never been to a festival and I did not drink much, I was a bit lost.

There was a lot of music, lot of humidity, it was very warm and too loud for me so I decided to exit. Of course, I was wearing earplugs. But it felt too loud. I asked the security guard if I could exit but he refused as he said I needed a discharge from the organization. I was not aware of this and I felt a bit shocked, like who was to refuse my exit if I needed to go away a bit? I was not drunk or under influence of drugs. I thought I would suck it up to prevent having a fight or making drama. I was far away from home, had nowhere to go and it was a full night.

So I decided to just go back to my tent. The sound was still piercing. Think loud bass, loud volume and hard techno. Just check this on Spotify. It does not seem harmful at low volume. But it's mental torture when it's > 100 dB. At one point, around 1 or 2 am, I checked my phone. Saw what time it was. And was very, very uncomfortable with the sound. I could not go away any further, the campsite was kind of close and I was already far from the party tent.I started to feel a lot of pain in both ears and felt very sensitive to sounds. I was in a real pain man. But what could I do? The security guy did let me go out and even if I went out, I had nowhere to go. It was 5° C at night and in the middle of nowhere.

So I waited. I just waited till the morning. At 6 am, the music stopped. I did not sleep at all. I asked a random guy who I thought was on the organization team to make a discharge for me to go. He did after a lot of hassle and I finally quit around 11 am. On the road, I felt muffled hearing and a bit of hearing loss. I thought it was a bit tough but that it would pass. I googled " acoustic trauma " however as I never experienced this before. I had no tinnitus at the time. The road back home was okay though I was very sensitive to sound and had trouble hearing some words. But it was very slight so I did not know if I was just tired or it was hearing loss. This is why I kept repeating some words when back home, random words in my home to see if there was any loss.

I could not tell if there was any loss but it lacked clarity you know? I figured it would pass on its own and was not too worried. But as days passed by, I developed aural fullness which was very weird. The muffled hearing stayed and the aural fullness increased as the days passed.

Then I went to an audiology practice to get tested. She tested me and said my hearing was quite normal though I had a slight hearing loss but I could not tell if it was due to this festival/rave. It was on the 7th day. I made custom earplugs also and as she filled my ears with the special product, I only heard silence. Well, silence AND a noise. A slight EEEEE. Like tinnitus. But very mild. I told her and she answered it could be tinnitus. I made no big deal of this. I exited and went back home. I did not hear tinnitus.

Then on the 8th day, I spent the afternoon with my girlfriend. At one point, I was lying on the bed and everything was silent. All I could hear in the distance was the streetcar crunching on the tracks. Then I heard it again. EEEEE. Softly. It made me uncomfortable so I quit but I just told my GF I was tired and would go back home. Then again at home, I did not notice it really.

On the 9th day or so, I just woke up with two sirens in my head. Screaming tinnitus. And that was the beginning of my spiraling. I went to the doctor who offered me steroids. I took them but to no avail. After 10 days on steroids, I developed hyperacusis. A condition who makes you feel everything louder. Not better, it's not a superpower. Slamming a door would be very painful, the microwave was, flushing toilets was painful, everything become too loud. I could not stand digital audio. I could not go back to university and to my internships.

Once I said that, I pretty much stated everything. I saw a lot of ENT but to no avail. They did another audiogram which, this time, showed hearing loss and this is why the tinnitus was here to stay. The first two weeks were awful with steroids mood swing. I was becoming more and more insomniac. I panicked. Tinnitus and hyperacusis were changing myself. I was more irritable, not sleeping, not eating. I was hitting the gym before but because of the music, could not return. I lost all of muscles and around 15 kgs.

At the end of the second month, I slowly started to understand it was going here to stay. I was afraid but I think I could " habituate " as they say.

Now we are around 4 months later. I did not habituate, I did not have a complete night since the event. I went to a psych ward because I could not sleep. Once, I stayed awake for 3 days straight and I was becoming mad. Then, I was put on sleeping pills. The thing is, the more you take it, the less it's effective. So, after some time, the efficacy started to go down. Right now, since 4 months I have only slept 2 or 3 hours at night.

I can't focus on anything because of the tinnitus itself and the lack of sleep. I had everything and I lost everything. I went back to my parents house. I lost my job. I lost my college cursus. I lost silence. I pretty much lost everything over only ONE night WITH earing protection. None of my friends had protection. They stood next to the speakears (which I did not do as I lost them early in the night and was not really into loud music) and had NOTHING. They are fine to this day. I'm happy for them but it's really unfair.

It was my first concert/festival ever. About this festival, we had a FB group where all the informations were gathered. I posted there for awareness and to explain my situation. Reactions were pretty bad and insensitive. Suggesting I just had to protect myself (I did), that I should not go in front of the speakers (I never went in front), suggesting taking breaks (the music never stopped for 8 hours straight) or that I should just quit (the security team did not allow anybody to quit this night).

So here I am. Everything lost. I just attempted suicide again three days ago. I was not successful as my mom knew something weird was going on and just find me before I was done for good. I know tinnitus is for life. I did not deserve it. I know that life is unfair, I've gone through my fair share of bad stuff. As everyone else on this planet. But being robbed from silence, sleep and social interaction would make anyone wanting to off theirselves.

I have always been happy before this. Never ever had suicidal ideation. Never. And here I am. I still don't realize what my life has become. I don't want to try any harder as it has already been 4 months and I lost everything over the loss of silence and lack of sleep. I went from being able to sleep 9-10h, sometimes more to 1h sleep without any sleeping pills. I tried everything.

So I guess this is my farewell letter. It was long. A lot of useless details but just telling how it went for me. I have a loving family but they are becoming less and less understanding as they can't do anything to alleviate my suffering and are in pain of seeing me like this. I have never thought I would say that sometimes life is not worth living but I don't know how I can bounce back from this. Hyperacusis is still there but better. It's liveable right now. But months of tinnitus and induced lack of sleep are pushing me to the edge. Really.

The past week has been pretty hard. I came to the conclusion that I can't push any harder and just want to leave this life. I'm only surviving. I used to ride motorcycles, I can't now. I used to listen to music, it feels distorted now. I used to like silence, it has been 4 m of straight EEEE in my ears.

I don't know if I will off myself tonight but I plan too. My twin sister just went back to her city where she studies. I was nice to see her. We did not always have a great relationship but I think she understands my suffering.

The only thing holding me back is failure and being paralyzed or something. I know this is a risk. I'm not a stranger to this. I don't encourage anyone to suicide. Actually, I never thought I would end up thinking of suicide everyday, every hour for the past 4 months. I was someone NORMAL with a NORMAL life. With a girlfriend. With projects. With a will to live. Now I feel destroyed and dead inside.

I don't know why I write this. If I off myself, nobody here will know nor remember. My family will be in pain and maybe they won't understand too. But as I end this post, I want to give a bit of awareness.

I won't go much into tinnitus and how it feels as it's impossible, really impossible to know how it feels until you have it. I had temporary tinnitus before when going to clubs and it always disappeared the next morning. So it was basically a non issue. The only thing I want to really hightlight is our ears did NOT evolve to handle the current sounds level of our modern society.

I will generalize a bit here but you will get my point. Everyone has a Bose QC 35 or some Airpods. Everyone listen to loud music in the car. Everyone go clubbing, more or less. Or concerts. Or festival.

There's different types of people.

• Those who will get damaged but only as the form of hearing loss when older

• Those who will get damaged with tinnitus

• Those will get damaged with hyperacusis or pain hyperacusis (noxacusis, maybe one of the worst condition on this planet)

So, that's 3 types of people. Everyone is damaged. Just not in the same form. For me, it was only one festival (my first ever) that destroyed me. It's not frequent. But it's, sadly, possible. The thing is, most people will think I exaggerate. But everyone can get tinnitus. Except nobody knows really about it.

So, here are a few tips :

• Limiting the volume is great but not sufficient. 80 dB with Airpods is NOT the same as a 80 dB with speakers. Both are harmful of course. But 80 dB 5 cms away from you eardrum and cochlea VS 50 cm or 1m is absolutely not the same. Check OSHA guidelines (they are still too permissive)

• Speakers over headphones. Headphones over earphones.

• Make breaks. And even if you DO, don't listen to more than 2-3 hours a day. Even that can me damaging in the long term. Maybe you will just have hearing loss. Maybe you will have tinnitus. Nobody knows.

• Always protect yourself. ALWAYS. Don't be afraid of looking dumb or whatever. Other people don't care about your health, only you. Better be safe than sorry. And I would better look dumb with earplugs than having tinnitus. Actually, I had earplugs and still got tinnitus. Concert ? Don't go to the front rows, stay in the back. Mowing the lawn ? Protect. Long ride in car ? Don't put the volume up too much. Take breaks.

• Protection is not always enough. If it's not, go away at all cost. I still regret to this day to not have created an argument with the security guy.

• Everyone is different. But it's hard to know if you have shitty genetics like me. Until one event that will break the camel back. So, take care.

• Go a bit on r/tinnitus and r/hyperacusis if you think I'm exaggerating. It's a club you never want to join.

• What's having tinnitus ? Constant noise. No more silence. Difficulty to sleep because it's all you hear at night. Anxiety. Depression. Social isolation as you don't want it to worsen (noises can spike it a lot). Trouble hearing other peoples.

• Temporary tinnitus is temporary until... it isn't. I never went to often to clubs, in fact I only went a few times and I was protected. But I still ended up with temporary tinnitus. It means that permanent damage have been done even if it's gone by the next morning. Hearing damage is CUMULATIVE. But you never know the day it will be too much.

• There's two types of hyperacusis. Loudness : everything sounds too loud (you don't want it) ; pain hyperacusis = noxacusis : sounds are actually painful. Like lava in the ear or knife. Stabbing ache.

• Earphones are dangerous because people use them are level they believe to be safe and they are not. Typically, using them to cover the ambient sound while in public transportation will still hurt in the long term. Please believe me on this one. I know it can seems silly as everyone is listening to music everyday and it seems so normal but our ears are not made to handle that. Even 50% volume can be dangerous in the long run. If it's too loud around you, PLEASE don't turn up the volume to cover it. There's a day when you are going to regret it.

• There's NO awareness about tinnitus. Nobody know about it. Please, if you read this post and have 1 hour or 2 to kill, just search for tinnitus on the reddit search bar and read the experience of T sufferers. It's not something you want.

To all of those who might think it's not the end of the world. It might not be the end of your world. But it has ended mine as I could not focus, could not sleep and could not continue anything.

So yeah, it's pretty much the end of this post. I wish it can help people. I also would like to say that a lot of things in life are not permanent. So if you consider suicide over something temporary, please don't do it, better times will come. For me, it has been 4 months of sleep deprivation, tinnitus and hyperacusis and I just don't see the end. Because you don't actually heal of tinnitus and hyperacusis. Ears broken forever. I had a good career in sight and it all stopped. I lost friends over this.

Again, I don't know if I will off myself tonight. Maybe posting this will delay a bit as it's a bit relieving to write. I don't want to worry people. I know that Reddit can actually do nothing for me in this situation. I just wanted to share my story and, most importantly, help people not getting this disease. You can have it for a lot of reasons but some of them are preventable. Most tinnitus are noise-induced. Tinnitus is really of part of our modern society with noise. I made a lot of posts in others subs and in some, some people just keep telling they exposed themselves for 10, 15 years and they were still fine. OK. It's not the case of everyone and it does not mean you will continue to be fine. The second largest cause of tinnitus is : aging. Losing frequencies as you age/presbyacusis.

Thanks for reading.

I’m in a really bad cycle of anxiety and stress. I get anxious about everything. These days, we’re surrounded by technology and it’s the thing that gives me most stress. I always think negative and think that every little thing that happens in my phone or my loved ones phones means they’re snooping on my phone, using it without my permission or I’ve been hacked or somebody I care about is hiding stuff from me.

I can’t. For example, today I looked at my calculating history and I saw theee calculations I remember that I did because my bf got a call and then he closed his phone and then he opened it around an hour later and he only had YouTube notflications in his screen and when he opened it I saw WhatsApp notifications though I remember it all happened around five and five minutes and it was so weird because I constantly used in my calculations the number eleven and I don’t know why. It happened two weeks ago and is making me think something is wrong with me that I don’t remember why it was. It’s driving me crazy. I don’t know what to think. I just can’t with this stress anymore. The thing is, everyday I get stressed about another thing and it’s a never ending cycle. I never get to feel joy. I’m hurting people around me by always venting to them. I’m just so tired of myself. It’ll all just be easier if I could just shut my thoughts once and for all. I have very bad obsessive thoughts..

I really want to die, without any explanation I want to end my life. That's the sad thing, i can't take my own life because I'm afraid that my mama will be left all alone and no one will help or take care of her

I've spent weeks figuring out what elements and chemicals I need to make toxic gas and how much of everything I need. I've done the math and figured out a likely solve for the volume/concentration problem. I have little doubt that if I try to kill myself this way it'll work. I'm waiting to get paid tomorrow to be able to place the order. I don't know. I give up. Even if I can get through this bout of SI now, how am I supposed to live knowing death is an Amazon order away? I think I'm a lost cause. I'm just so done

I am the parasite. I will never be a good person. The only person I think about is myself yet I never take care of my body. Mom’s boyfriend said every worst thing, my dad does not know, and I have to pretend I do not care. Do not ask questions. Tell me to do it and I will do it

I’ve been studying nursing for the past year and it’s been the most difficult thing. The toll it’s taken on me mentally, physically and emotionally is more than I thought it would be. I really tried but it’s so horrible, it really is a thankless job and I commend anyone with the resilience to do it. I quit a couple of days ago and it was really impulsive. I was under a lot of stress and having a breakdown and I just couldn’t anymore. I told my parents today and my mom cried so hard repeatedly saying, “why my baby? So much money we’ve spent on you. Why?” That broke me so much because she’s right, this isn’t the first time I’ve done this. I was studying IT and the same thing happened, fell into a deep depression, stopped socialising, stopped eating and lost so much weight, started smoking and drinking and we’ll eventually left that. Same thing happened here. I can’t keep doing this to them. I know they’re not the richest people. How could I be so stupid. I can’t believe I did this to them again. And cried so much. My dad didn’t say a word to me. My sister is giving me the cold shoulder. My mind is logical but I’m so sensitive that I don’t make sound decisions about anything in my mind. What have I done? I can’t face them, I’ve been in my room all day. Grabbed all my medication and I’ve just been staring at it. My mind telling me it’s okay and it’ll pass but the pain I’m feeling and have been for years is clouding me.

Since yesterday, I have very very strong urge to stand in front of a speeding bus/truck. Just can’t take it anymore. It’s like every cell of my body wants it to be over and wishes for eternal peaceful sleep. Sick of this time bomb anxiety regarding work stuff I can’t get myself to do (due to adhd). Just sick. Trying to go to the gym, to quieten the urge. It’s exhausting to keep myself alive day after day. Those of you who are doing it here, kudos to you. I haven’t even said good byes yet, to people who care. It’s so hard to see a speeding bus on the road in front of the house and control myself. Thanks for reading.

I look around me. I found people, people changing. People that I don't talk to anymore advancing in all aspects. 'Soon it'll be your turn, believe me, things are gonna get better' I've been like this for years now, is it going to be my turn sometime soon?

I just give a fuck about everything that I'm leading my life to a non-sense spiral. Fr, there's happening a lot of weird shit.

I want to leave this fucked up place but I can't leave my mom with an alcoholic asshole. And I think that's the only thing I don't give a fuck about.

I don't feel like living anymore. Life is a disgusting message now and I'm suicidal.

I'm really feeling like death is the only way out of this hellhole. Everything is going to shit. In real life and on Reddit. I can't stop fucking it all up, I can't deal with this anymore, it's like everywhere I go bad things always happen, I'm just a curse, why am I still even alive, that car should've just hit me back in Chicago. I wouldn't be in everybody's way, and I would be truly free from all this shit, maybe if I wasn't poor or older I would've been liked or appreciated more, maybe if I wasn't autistic things would've been better, maybe I had just been a fucking miscarriage then nobody would've ever had to even know I existed. I should have been doxxed and kidnapped and murdered already. I should've just been abandoned and left to die.

My will to live is just gone. I'm going thru the motions, but i dont have the energy anymore to put in the work. I have support all around me, all i have to do is reach out. I don't know how. Driving this morning all i could think of was how nice it would be to wrap my car around a tree. To be done with this. This nothing. I haven't enjoyed anything in awhile. All my hobbies, i dont have drive for. My drugs are all gone. I dont know whats next for me. But i know i dont want this to continue.

my parents are going away and I'll be alone, I have a dog and I don't want to leave her starving, I live in a condominium, maybe I'll leave the door open for her to get out

Idk if you can tell, but I’m in the “got fucked with” part of that cycle

i am struggling and i have been for a while but this week has been hell i have had two episodes of dissociation where i ended up with self harm lacerations to the point of having ten stitches put in on Thursday due to a dissociative episode and now another twenty-three stitches from last nights episode and what upsets me and scares me and is making my life feel not worth living is i am worried it will happen again and i don't know whats worse the fact they keep happening or the fact the lacerations keep getting deeper and more numerous every time as with Wednesdays nights episode there were two medium sized and not too deep but there was two this time they were deeper and there was four or five only four needed stitches but when i went to my local urgent care as i was told to or else that it happened to be the same nurse who stitched me up on thursday and he said it it happens again i can't go there and that i need to go to my local hospital but i know they won't/can't do anything to help me so i am at a loss i have friends i have my brother but if i say how i feel they freak out and tell me to go to the hospital but they don't understand that the hospital can't/won't do anything because according to the hospital anything thing that is wrong with me is caused by cptsd i have just gotten to a point where i don't know how long i can keep going keep saying I'm ok when i am not all i think about is how to kill myself how much of a certain medication is deadly? how long will it take kill me? do i write a suicide letter or not how do i make sure my cat gets picked up so he doesn't suffer? will my brother truly understand? do i write a separate letter for my son (he's in foster care due to my sick and twisted mother) but he wants to meet me when he turns 18 in a couple of years what am i supposed to write i want him to know it's not anyone's fault but my own as the only reason i have been holding on is for my son so he can meet me but at the same point according to my new psychiatrist i might not make it as the next three to fives years will be absolutely hell apparently worse then i have it now i will be changing back to my old one but he is on holidays and the earliest appointment i could get was the 9th of December which i know is only a month but when you feel the way i do it feels like an eternity away i just feel like there's no hope no better days to come no happiness in my future only more of this hell not to mention the awful thoughts going through my mind and the voices telling me to just do it i won't be missed i am a waste of space what to do when there's no where to turn or anyone to talk to and even if there is the voices tell you to watch your back as everyone is out to get you i also hear weird noises like rhythmic thumping and buzzing noises and all i see is weird blood splatter patterns and flickering lights and things and people glitch in and out of existence like I'm in the matrix i want to cry but can't as i was brought up to believe it's a sign of weakness and if i do they will know i am down and i think if they know they will just kick me more and more till i finally give in as i feel like they watch my every move listen to my conversations i feel like they would read my journal if they could that's why i write everything in code and using three different books that way i know they won't be able to read my writings i think i have hit braking point any advice would be helpful