I have been going through a really tough time, I was going through a divorce for 3 months and right when the divorce stuff was concluded in Court I was fired from my job for asking for a raise after being financially tight because of the divorce, I would really like it to just have someone to talk to.

One year ago today was the shittest moment of my life, following the hardest year of my life so far, & somehow, i am still here, & just making myself feel all the gratefulness today & would love to have a conversation with someone else feeling the same? In the mood for a deep, honest & positive chat, sharing our stories etc or maybe your struggling & want to share & hear how it doesn't have to be the end? Hmu, lets voice chat! Lets share our stories!

am a caring empathetic guy. With a good emotional intelligence and decent logical abilities to understand your issues. I am flexible about my work timings, so can adapt to your schedule . I'd prefer voice calls but initially text is okay . Also open to developing friendships in the process but only if we have common interests and similar hobbies etc or we like each other's company.

I'm from India. Open to people from all countries .

I can advice you about relationships , career and even investments . Since I have good knowledge of stock market and various asset classes like bonds, mutual funds etc. Can also teach you some programming basics. I'm good at software stuff. I love Linux.

I don't block or ghost anyone . If we have things to talk about or you can keep the conversation going, then I'm sure our connection wouldn't fizzle out.

When you're "very" angry at something, whether it is your life, the people, or something with yourself, and if you feel an uncontrollable urge to harm youself or your environment as a result of that, just walk to a cemetery. But, make sure this cemetery is in a desolate place so the society can not reach to you. You'll be only with yourself here, dont forget. After getting in, find yourself any place which aligns with your desires. Then sit down (or just walk around tirelessly, it's up to you.), take a look to those old thombstones, or to the bright moon which is the only light source, or to the wild trees which reaches up to the sky, and then, just "release" your mind. You can choose to be with your emotions (crying.), or with your thoughts (is there any different life form in those dots in the sky?), or with both. Spend your hours there, feeling and contemplating. When it's too late, and you have to go back, you'll notice that you don't even remember the reason what brought you here..

I'm not giving any orders..

I just wanted to express myself, and how you interpret these is entirely up to yourself...

Been going through some rough things. Some reoccurring problems and of course some new ones. They're very heavy and I just need someone to listen. Then maybe give advice.

My arm is really hurting today and as much as I could just take some Tylenol and it would help, sometimes the pain at least allows me to feel something.

Remember the day when you could trust a doctor? Now, you don’t even know if they’re trying to kill you. My level of concern is pretty high.

Was hoping to be eating dinner with someone by now, but something is wrong here. I don’t fit in with whatever this is. How do you manage to find your people?

Hey everyone, sorry for a very demanding title. I just moved to Melbourne 5 days ago and feel extremely anxious and insecure. Normally I’m a positive person, but these days I’m only crying and being anxious. I used to live in the UK, had a stable job, but came overseas to start a PhD. Now I’m thinking that I’m too dumb for the PhD, that my boyfriend will struggle to find a job and we will be homeless. All together not a great feeling and I don’t know what to do with this.

i wish i just looked good. i’m not hung up over what i can change like my body/hygiene and i try to keep those up. i’m hung up over what i can’t change. i wish i was taller or my face looked different or my teeth didn’t look like that or that my proportions were different. i’m just constantly hearing about how unattractive my features are in media/society and it hurts. everywhere i go i feel reminded about how fucking disgusting and ugly i am. i just look in the mirror and feel like absolute shit because of how i look. i hate looking at pictures because i know i look stupid. the worst part is that i genuinely try to improve my appearance but there are just certain features that i have that are either unchangeable or need some sort of cosmetic surgery to fix.

i don’t blame anyone for not being attracted to me because of my looks. i know i’m not what women want in a man looks wise, nowhere near tall dark and handsome. but i’m human and i want to feel as though people are attracted to me. i want to feel people like how i look. i simply CANNOT fathom anyone feeling legitimate physical attraction towards me (i understand there’s more that goes into attraction like personality etc. but for the purpose of this i’ve excluded it). i really feel there’s no one on this planet who’s ever found me attractive. it feels like a universal experience- most everyone finds someone who likes them, they get in a relationship or even get married. i feel so abnormal because i havent experienced that and don’t think i will.

it just wrecks my confidence, looking ugly no matter what, and even though i try to walk with confidence there’s an understanding internally that i just don’t look good. i believe and observe that a large majority of people i see are better looking than me. i feel that even looking “normal” or “average” means you look better than me. that’s all i want. but unfortunately there’s this host of unchangeable things i have that make that hard to achieve. i know many people say personality is what matters and i try very hard to be a nice, agreeable, respectful person. but i just feel that no amount of me working to improve internally can change what i look like. this sounds stupid but whenever i see an ad for a romantic movie i feel sad because i know that the guy is going to be super attractive and as such super not like me. it’s another reminder that no one desires someone that looks like me.

I could be your new best friend 😀
Hello, I am looking for a best friend for long-term connection, so let me here convince you why you should choose me as your new friend:
* I am chatty and have good vibes and energy.
* I love to talk about all kinds of topics and can always find things to talk about.
* I always reply to my messages and never get bored with my friends and always send good morning messages.
* I will always be here for you to tell me about your day or vent if you have something that bothers you.
* I am always respectful and never disrespect others or step into their discomfort zones.
* I am nerdy and if you are nerdy that's a plus then, if not it is ok we can talk about any other stuff.
* I know I don't get many replies, so I try harder post a lot, and usually get genuine friends, so if you like what you heard so far, let's be friends 😀.

(PLEASE don't try to figure out my sexuality in the comments. I don't want to freak out any further. I just want to get this out of my system because it feels like a soap opera)

Ok so two years ago my female friend (1) started dating a girl (2). They broke up pretty quickly, but remained friends, and then (2) and I became really close. Thing is, after a certain point I felt as if she was attracted to me, and now I also feel weirdly attached to her. Like, I love it when she touches me, for example when she hugs me, when she leans on me, holds my hand, touches my knee or boops my nose (lol), and the way she makes me feel about myself. She's actually really empowered me.

Now. I'm a straight girl (I think. I've discussed it with mental health professionals and even took the online "am I gay" quiz 🧍‍♀️), but I've never felt this way about anyone before. And I can't talk to my friend (1) about it because that's literally her ex, the one that I've helped her get over before. I'm super confused. Especially because I have OCD and one of my intrusive thoughts used to be that I would turn gay. I got over that years ago with professional help. But now the thoughts are different and I'm scared.

Anyways. Around the time they broke up a guy started hitting on me. He was nice but I was not attracted to him at all. Fast forward two years later he texts (2) and they go on a date and it goes pretty well. I'm very upset and I don't know why. My therapist says that I'm afraid I'm losing my best friend, which makes a lot of sense. But this feels incredibly foreign to me. It does feel like a loss, but I'm also deeply saddened, as if you dug a hole in my chest. Could be because my own love life is not in a good place (a guy is currently ghosting me), or because I'm incredibly stressed lately. But yeah. I'm just so confused. I got a bit drunk earlier (I can't drink more cos I'm on antidepressants) and asked her if anything would change if they started dating. She reassured me that things wouldn't change, and then said she loves me. I responded with the same, and then started crying. What is wrong with me. I don't want to confuse her either, because she did nothing wrong. That's why I don't really talk to her about how I feel. And also because I do not know how I feel. My psychiatrist says that I tend to confuse my friendly affectionate feelings with romantic ones. help me pls 😭 I don't want to hurt anyone but I also don't want to hurt myself any more

Hey I am Jay I know it's been hard for everyone this year this month's but there are people after u who cares for you so I am here buddy if anyone wanna talk let's chat I am free this week

Hello!

If this post is less than a week old then please feel free to DM/Chat with anything you want to talk about.

Hope you have a good day!

I want to chat with someone about some stuff because its personal and possibly a bit revealing. also maybe chat about normal things

trigger warning: possible mentions of watching drowning videos (please mods don't be mad, it's my story okay)

The posts on this subreddit seem to trickle in slowly so there's a good chance you're reading this a few days in the future. If it's less than 1 week old my dm is still open! I will try to respond right away unless I'm sleeping or at work. See you in there ->

I’m a medical university student, and every three years we have a huge exam with 150 questions covering everything we’ve learned. You get two attempts, and need to score at least 64% to pass. I failed the exam twice, and on my last try, I missed passing by 2%. Because of this, my mom transferred me to a more prestigious university this year, though I really didn’t want to. Some of my courses were transferred, but now I have a microbiology exam with a written test, oral questions, and practical tasks. Most of my classmates had their exam transferred from last year, but I wasn’t allowed to transfer mine since I came from a different university. They told me to try improving my old grade, and if I fail, they’ll transfer it. The exam is in 5 days, and I have 40 topics to cover with three open-ended questions each. With my ADHD and antidepressants, I don’t know how to prepare for this. I’m overwhelmed and anxious. Any advice on how to handle this?

My time at uni is coming to a close soon, and as we look towards the new year, I've been trying to reflect on what I've done and trying to figure out where I'll be headed.

It's taken me a while to settle in. It feels like as soon as I start getting comfortable somewhere, I gotta figure out how to move again. It's not that I want to stay here; I just feel paralysed and unable to even dream about my future.

What if I don't find a job? Will I ever feel like an adult? Will I ever have the autonomy to live life the way I want to? How do I even know what I want?

I know this is something that bothers lots of people my age. But I just worry that I'll waste my 20s away and never get anywhere.

Add to that the stress of finals and what feels like impending unemployment, and I just feel unable to handle everything.

just looking for someone i can vent to about my loneliness

Hey! I'm looking for genuine friends who enjoy chatting. If you're cool with daily good mornings chats, silly memes, and me saying funny things to make you laugh, we might hit it off!

I don't really click with serious, dry, or self-centered people; they stress me out. I prefer connecting with folks who, like me, are a bit silly and caring, especially if they have some ADHD quirkiness.

I'm up for talking about anything—anime, games, cooking, history, politics, tech, true crime, life stories—you name it. You can also vent to me whenever you want. As an artist and programmer, I love discussing art and tech.

If you're interested and okay with European time zone, let's chat! 😄

I was at work the other day and people kept saying happy thanksgiving and I had to smile and say it back. I have a dysfunctional family so I thought it was funny, but also kind of sad that I have to fake act like I’m happy or that I know what it’s like to have an actual thanksgiving. Anyway! Anyone similar who wants to vent or just want company for tonight? Tell me whatever is on your mind or something good that happened to you today. I’d love to know. Going to bed soon!

It's just sickening to be alone. I called a few 'friends' and didn't reply. They only reply/contact when they need something or are nosy to ask about something.

My boss whom I'm close in a way with, told me he would bring a pie since just the two of us were working. Yeah he said later he lied and I should feel glad that I have such a good looking guy like him around. Then this other guy I habe been texting ignored me too since I haven't sexted with him.

I don't have a family, only relative passed away. I don't know where to find a genuine person to receive some kindness.

Hi! I’m 16 and I live in Sweden, I’ve always been a good student and have mostly enjoyed attending school. Ever since the summer last year I’ve had a constant headache and have thus basically not attended school, and when i have it’s been with a personal help when there. I’m getting help from the organization BUP which helps young people and children to deal with difficult situations, like mine or other situations like ADHD. I’ve never been very good at socializing and the few friends I have in my friend group is drifting apart. I basically don’t feel much these days and shows some signs depression. I’m not sure what I’m gonna do anymore and am trying everything I can think of, even though this is probably one of the most difficult things I’ve done this month. I would probably self diagnose me with social anxiety. I wouldn’t say that I want to die… but I can’t say that I feel like my life is worth living at this moment. I definitely don’t have suicidal thoughts, but I just don’t feel happiness, anger or anything else for that matter. It’s mostly just irritation and sadness

looking for some tips on how to not be delusional and emotional about anything that happens at work (also a vent about my ego)

I’m starting to realize maybe I’m delusional because most people at work seem to be able to not take things said there personally. They are able to joke around and have small talk even about their lives and yet they don’t seem to develop undue crushes on others and let themselves get emotional about others positively or negatively.

I start liking some guys or at least think they are trying to get in my skirt or that they like me to some degree if they are friendly to me especially if they ask me any personal questions. Not always but it happens often and I’m starting to realize these guys usually don’t try to get my number or hang out outside work and in many cases they even have girlfriends. So I need to adjust my understanding of reality and stop assuming guys like me and stop liking guys who are just being friendly at work for the sake of social lubrication. I’m very socially isolated for many years and basically inept, I want to blame potential Asperger’s but maybe it’s just an excuse I use to feel better.

I get very emotional about guys at work and some don’t even try to ask about my life. They just say hi in passing because they’re in another department.

even when guys do compliment me or “flirt”, I have to realize it doesn’t mean they want to date me or even like me in any real way because most of them don’t ask for my number or try to chat outside work.

even the flirtiest or friendliest men towards me at work have been/are taken and never tried to contact me outside work like asking for my social media. Yet I spent years or months obsessing in my head about everything they do or say to me and whether they like me.

I want to be done with being delusional. Maybe i need to try a new method for current t and future jobs: just realizing work is work, not personal at all, and don’t think guys actually want anything from me just because they’re friendly or make comments about me that seem personal. It doesn’t mean they are being serious. They’re just trying to build rapport with coworkers.

Now for the vent:

I feel like I must be full of myself even though I struggle with self consciousness and insecurities about my looks and worth as a woman… I think a part of me must be very full of myself because why else would I easily assume guys who are just nice want me? I tell myself I’m so boring why would any guy like me and that i dress down and am not that pretty or hot etc. but deep down there must be some other part that thinks I’m actually way more interesting and attractive than I am in reality. Because I think guys are thinking about me whether in a good or bad way.

Thank you for reading some or all of the above post and I am just looking for some random tips on how to stop being delusional, how to lower my ego healthily and not assume guys want me in any way just because they’re remotely friendly to me, and how to never get emotional about basic social interactions at work ever again.

Happy thanksgiving to everyone and happy holidays!

Hello, I am silly, giggle, chill, witty, talkative, kind, funny, nerdy, curious, consistent, respectful, caring, supportive, creative, available, opening-minded, easy-going person.

Looking for silly, giggle, chill, witty, talkative, kind, funny, nerdy, curious, consistent, respectful, caring, supportive, creative, available, opening-minded, easy-going person.

For chats, talks, calls, laugh, joke, friendly roast, vent, rant, hug, cry, and spam with memes and cat vids, for long-term.

Things have just been really hard lately. I had so many things fall apart around me all at once and I'm feeling pretty bad about it right now. Im newly single, lost my job, loosing my home, and lost my form of transportation. Im so scared about having to start everything over again and I could really just use a kind voice right now to help me feel a little less stuck.

Usually, ill distract myself from it to the best of my abilities. But on some nights, it's literally suffocating to know that someone, somewhere out there, is living a normal life complete with friends and relationships and normality. The older I get, the more smothered I feel.

Here I am, stuck in isolation and despair and my little woe is me pity party, basically my whole existence. God, I'm so pathetic sometimes. Just to have someone who cares about them? To be loved and cherished and understood? It's a dream to ever have that. What's even the point? My life intrinsically has no value.

hi guys! im pretty new to reddit and im just looking to talk to some new people on here! im a freshman in HS and just sorta bored on thanksgiving eve. please message me and tell me about yourself! id love to know what you do for a living, your hobbies, what you like to do ect. feel free to hmu! thanks!

Maybe someone is free to call and just chat. Discord or snap. I just don’t wanna be alone.

Hi everyone! Me and my partner have very different expectations around family. I am used to seeing/talking with them at least once a week, and he probably goes 1-2 months for his. We have had a lot of issues lately surrounding boundaries with family. What we have currently agreed on is 2 days a week that are just us, and having a discussion before having a person over into the house. There have been some misunderstandings on my end of exactly what the boundary is (are 5 minute bathroom breaks okay, or if the other party is not home to be bothered is it okay) but I am starting to feel small and trapped. I understand why they want privacy, but it is starting to feel like it is not even my home anymore. They are frequently mad at me because I went over to my sisters, or I called my family, or he came to a family event (that I said he could opt out of) as well as other things (cat fur everywhere, forgetting things, expressing concern/monitoring my activity levels and diet ect) that really have left me feeling unwanted and that we are simply incompatible. There have been times where my family has absolutely been too much or crossed boundaries, but I am starting to feel trapped. We start couples therapy today, and I am hoping it can help us.

Does anyone have any couples therapy success stories that they would be comfortable sharing?

1. When we take a look at the streets, we see dozens of people every day. They just pass by, neither they nor we are aware of our existences. They just pass by, because they all have a purpose in their minds, they are all there just because of a certain purpose. Because all of their attention goes to this, they dont show much affection to their environment. Thats why they all just pass by, because the only thing that concerns them is their purpose. A purposeless person will almost always show more interest to his/her environment, because he/she will constantly "search for something, for a 'different' thing." Again, because, he/she doesn't live "for" something, they basically "just live." Hence, in time, they will develop a deep understanding about the nature of things. They will "visit places" that no one or only a few has ever "visited", and they will leave no stone unturned. I mean, they will begin to "see things that others cannot see." Nope, they don't have halucinations, they're just awakened... And, unfortunately, because only a minority can reach to this deep, that's one of the main sources of the sorrow of the lots of unkown, unseen, unheard and undiscovered bright spirits...
2. Then why lack of purpose is still a complaint, why do people still sorrowly say "my life doesn't have a purpose"? Because, since our childhood, we are all taught to have dreams, hopes, desires, passions and purposes. We were all taught to accomplish things, get suceeded, be productive, be accepted in society, and make our family, our relatives proud. But i never understood why every distinct soul is "obligated to" have certain dreams, hopes, desires, passions and purposes, and the others... Since "every" life is basically about "killing some time" till death, i find this quite dystopic. The thing makes it more and more dystopic is that, if you strongly oppose it, you dont have any chance (i mean, it's impossible or almost impossible.) to go to the woods and live in there for the rest of your life...
3. What i think real freedom is: i can kill any person anywhere and anytime, but anyone can kill me anywhere and anytime too. They say: "you don't have to love me, but you 'have to' show respect." Nope, no any soul "has to" do anything. I get scared when i think of the intensity of the surpressed screams in every person i interact with. None of them has the right to shout anytime freely (how many of us shouted "very deeply" in our lives?), in order to do this freely they must be in somewhere desolate like woods, because they live in a society. If they can't sleep at night, for example, and this is because of their overwhelming thoughts, they cannot let that burden go out instantly. They might want to scream loudly, but if they do, they will be labeled as "insane." Thus, they will get worse and feel the urge to scream even more deeply. But again, they are constantly surrounded by people; they are expected to not to make any "abnormal" sounds that bothers others. To maintain order, perhaps these are essential, but where is the freedom of the individual? The only attainable real freedom comes in woods; away from everyone, everything and everwhere...
4. I just wrote above that we pass by people that we don't even know, and i want to make additions to that. We dont even know their names, because thats the system of this planet. A person can feel and be "completely alone" in his/her room, despite being surrounded by lots of apartments which all of them hosts lots of people. Why? Because, there isn't a global system that prevents a person to be "completely alone." I mean, as im writing these right now, i don't expect my door to ring and thereafter be friends with some governmental strangers who are applied, whose job is to visit random people just to make sure someone's not "completely alone." If a person is in a situation like this, its heartbreaking to see that they often blame themselves for being "awkward", or something similar. Because, if there is a "fault" (i don't believe that there is a "fault", or something similar.), it is "never" in the individual; it "always" lies outside. We are all creations of our experiences, and since they're unchoseable, i cannot believe in free will. And thus, i cannot believe in any personal guilt...
5. Why does school exists, and more specificly, why does teachers exist also? We can learn everything by ourselves, and, for me, it's humiliating to being forced to listen to teachers to learn something. What about school? They may say: "it teaches critical thinking." But if we criticize school, we are not allowed to get rid of it. If we hate school, we are nevertheless "obligated" to go to there. Then, i can say that i dont have any power in my life. Im not living my life, im living certain people's life; i can't live my own life where school doesn't exists, because this is forbidden by the system. Since im not living my life, i cant be charged with any criticism, fault or crime...
6. If a person will be happy, he/she should never receive any instructions about how to be happy (they dont even "have to" be happy, they can just get used to melancholy, or simply just go on their own way...). But if we take a look to internet, and of course, to other sources, we see tons of instructions. All of them roughly tells the same things: "be positive", "don't think too much", "smile", "appreciate yourself" etc. No any individual can be ordered, no any individual can be told what he/she needs to do. There is too much distinct people, and considering this, these instructions are too inadequate. But for ordinal majority, they often succeed; because that's the "ordinal" majority, meaning that these instructions are told to them, they're about them. But, what about us?
7. Only hopeful people commit suicide - Cioran. When we get to a "high" place, and look at that void, the thing that prevents us from jumping down there is an odd pessimism; if we knew that it was the solution, we would have done it too earlier... (but yes, sometimes, we don't care about "solving" anything. A person can kill himself/herself without an intend to solve things, maybe they just want to take a break from existence...)
8. They say "confidence", but i can never understand that. Isnt a person who is confident is the last person who is open to change, diversity, alternatives and difference? To improve ourselves, first of all, we need to hate the status-quo. I mean, if we want to be a different, and perhaps, "better" person, we need to refuse ourselves as who we are right now. I dont say that we "have to" contain a sense of self hate to feel an urge to improve ourselves, i say that if a "ignorant" person becomes confident, he/she will be unchangeable because they will never find guilt in being this way. They will never question their own actions They will always defend themselves, even if its clearly proven that they are wrong. Because, according to them, they're always right and true. I certainly dont have "any" self respect, or "any" self acceptance. And this doesnt automatically mean i don't like myself, i hate myself, i dont want to exist, or i want to be free from this body...
9. By living, we are not choosing life; instead, we are not choosing death. An alive person is a person who didn't chose death; not a person who chose life. There are souls that not even the god can save who doesn't have any alternative, including suicide, but to simply live...
10. People with advanced degrees aren't as smart as they think are...
11. Normal life, normal person = normative live, normative person... ("normal" means "norm"al...)
12. Who do we, or, at least, i need? The people who "really" understands the meanings in this type of quotation marks, and three dots...

I wrote these, because i love. I analyze my emotions from a distance, instead of feeling them. Because, i learned that this is the only way to survive...

These writings are not an insult to anyone's feelings. I just wanted to express myself. I just wrote. If it bothers you, forgive me.

I trust in no authority, and that's why im writing to you, instead of "psychology professionals."

I cant perceive reality, i dont believe that i'm really existent. There is a fog in my vision (and, mind also.), and i hear sounds like im underwater. Sometimes, i feel like i have schyzophrenia. The brain which is writing these right now needs to be acknowledged as a "shyzophrenic" brain, even if it isn't, because i have almost everything that is associated with this situation. Perhaps, i only don't see halucinations and thats the only difference. Im definitely in touch with reality, but it doesn't feel like the "real reality." I dream "too much", i feel like living in a different dimension. I just reject this reality, i dont want to participate, and thus, in my inner world, i create my own reality. I dont believe someone can pull out me from there, especially only from that screen...

I dont dream about cars, houses, or money. I dream about a reality where cars, houses, and money doesnt exist...

Even in the video games, when we reach to a certain level, we dont upgrade our old equipments. Instead, we buy new ones that are unlocked. Thus, i dont want to improve this world. Instead, i want a new world...

Dont you feel lost, dont you feel completely alone, in that streets, where everyone walks like "reverse L" ? (i mean, their body posture.) Yeah, im talking about phones. Even the 5 year old spends his/her whole day with that drug, and i never accepted this...

We should imagine someone who says "they tortured me" as happy, yes, happy. Because he/she can tell what happened to him/her, i mean he/she can put it into words. But, I didnt experience anything that can be explained.

I read and write "too much" (but, since last month, im too detached from my writings. I mean, today im not writing "too much" like in the past. Because, from this point, no any word can truly explain my inner world, they're all invalid.), i think and question "too much", i listen to music "too much", i dream "too much", and i endure myself "too much"... (still, the thing i don't love is not myself but the world around me. I want to shake this reality off from me, not to get rid of myself...)

I feel like a "federation"; there is multiple personalities inside my head. There is definitely no any centralized leadership, if there is any leadership...

When i say that "everyone" is completely unimportant , they say that im too heartbreaking, or a pessimist who can't see beautiful things around because of his/her dark, radical eye patch. But, being worthy and important are different things... A diamond is always worthy. Yet, always unimportant during times of "food" shortage...

When im in deep sleep, i feel too soothened and thus relaxed. But, this feeling doesn't come from sleeping, it comes from a break from the reality. The thing that makes me feel better is not sleeping itself, but not being in this reality for a while. So, the thing that makes us, at least me happy is definitely not non-existence and it cannot be, because there's "absolutely nothing" here. The thing that makes us, atleast me unhappy is, returning back to existence every morning.

I dont like social media, i hate everyone using them. Thats not a generalization, but i don't think i can express what i saw, what i found in them. If i hate every kind of social media, and don't use any of them, then why im here? That's because of a deep agony; it's impossible for me to ask for help, but the fact that im here because of a hope of getting help, this makes me feel unreal.

I hate my peers; all of them reminds of unconscious robots. All of them are the same, like they're a product of a factory, because they cant think independently, and thus, differently. Because, they're always surrounded by people and being surrounded by people always "suspends our brain." They don't have their own thoughts, feelings, words, or actions; all of these come from outside, i mean from the internet culture, peer (herd.) influence, social media, or simply, media. They really care about how they fit in society (why do we "need to" fit in?), and how society views them. Yet, society is the biggest disease...

There's no one in my life, and cannot be. Im constantly surrounded by "them" (it's really a long story to explain who "they" are.), there's no way out. I feel fear, i dont want to die. I want another reality, and i believe that there is a "better" planet in somewhere in universte, that is what fuels my hope in suicide. They're listening to my keyboard's sounds when i write these from the other side of my door... These writings come from a cave, an unapproachable cave.

Perhaps, i didn't wrote about my experiences. Because, i always refuse to open my mouth. No one will understand, no one will relate to my inner world. Because i think "very and very" differently, i am the human form of the thing that occurs in our minds when we hear of the word "difference." Years have been, and learned very well to silence myself. It feels unreal that i express myself, because this is not something i do. Because, i don't want to be known. Because, i learned very well what happens when i be "known." (but yes, im here just to be "known", because i don't have any other choice.)

I wish someone asked me to tell everything, because its very hard for me to write without a direct question for this. Self sufficiency and secrecy is everything for me, and thus, it's really hard for me to write even a single letter here.

I dont write too much here. I'm always mute in my life (there are numerous days that i spent without saying even a single word, there are numerous days which a deep and pervasive silence was the only thing i spoke with.). I'll never strive to prove anything i wrote. I dont want to deal with expressing my inner world, because its inexpressible. We should imagine a person who says "they tortured me" happy, yes, happy. Because he/she is able to explain what happened to him/her, what he/she went through.

I desire another humanity, another reality, i dont accept this one. But, its definitely unchangeable. I just want to go far away, i just want to silently escape.

I dont know if i was ever "really" loved. Maybe in my infancy, they did, but who remembers?

I dont want to be loved. Instead, i want others, and more especially, a child or children, to desire me, my love...

Every soul has ever imagined to kill some people. But, only a few took action. I mean, im not advocating for being a killer, but is it healthy that we dont have the right to kill anyone, even when we're "very" overwhelmed by our surroundings? We all die without taking someone else's life, we never learn what "killing" means. There are lots of people that gets deppressed when they just step on an ant accidentally. We cannot even kill ants, but everyone carries a surpressed desire to kill someone deep down (this desire comes from our depths, because it's constantly and always surpressed by societal expectations.), and this is horrifying...

I just need someone to talk to, deeply talk to, only from here.

I have a diary, it consists of roughly 300.000 words (roughly 700 pages.). Im too reluctant to share it with anyone, because i trust no one. Even if i do, no one will read such a long, complex and comprehensive writing, which comes from a "no one." To be taken really seriously, person has no choice but to show his/her dark sides also, and even, has to kill. I know how prone people are to idolize people like ted bundy, and dismiss, despise others for being "naive" because they think that these people cant do anything "bad" to anyone. In short, in their thought, they're basically "harmless, poor animals." Yet, i cant imagine anything that makes me more uneasy than seeing a constanly smiling, funny and playful person to deeply cry, and more than that, get extremely furious and irreversibly harm his/her environment...

I just listen to music, every day. It makes me feel better, i find refuge in them. But i hate human sound, so i dont listen to any songs, because all of them reminds me of humans. And, i dont want to remember any of them.

This post can be considered as my first interaction with outside world since 3-4 long years.

I'll jump from balcony, ending my life, on December, 26th, on the anniversary of the dissolution of USSR. Why this date? Because, i have an attachment. This is not intellectual (it cannot be.), but deeply emotional... (i easily and quickly attach to "odd" things like this, because i don't have any attachment in my life and i never had. Everything "understands" me, except people.)

These are nothing, of course...

Hi all, my name's Shawn and I never thought id be using reddit again for something like this. I thought I was beyond that. But I don't have anywhere else to turn. I met someone in January 2020. I fell for her, as hard as someone can fall for someone. I loved her more than anything and I still do even now. Our relationship although not always exciting was very happy, atleast from my perspective. It was going fine until covid hit and the pandemic put everyone and their mother into lock down. She and I ended up separated for basically the entire month of March. We saw each other once during the first week and that was it. We wouldn't see each other again until last week actually. Anyway, our relationship became basically online only and from my perspective she became more and more detached. Come April I decided to talk to her about it. The lack of contact, how hard it was for me. I mentioned to her that I thought her demeanor towards me was changing. I expected her to reassure me that things were okay and to talk about it. She did not, instead she somehow flipped it around on me. Told me it wasn't fair to say that to her because I "know how busy she is all the time every day at home" I told her it wasn't my intention to hurt her feelings and that I just wanted to make sure I was doing things right and that we were okay. She responded with "it upsets me that you'd say that" "I can't believe you'd say that" Those would be the last words between us for nearly 4 years. It sent me into a spiral. Losing her. For whatever reason, out of all the girlfriends I've had. Shes the only one I could never shake. And I don't know why. It sent me on a path of destruction the rest of that year which ended in October with me getting raped and sexually assaulted.

Flash forward two weeks ago. Me and my ex of what is now 4 and a half years exchanged messages for the first time since April 2020. Things escalated somewhat fast. She seemed to still have genuine feelings. We talked about things from back then.
And as the days and the week went on it became more serious and in depth. She started making remarks about me really needing to fight to keep her this time and to not just let her go so easily, she'd talk about a potential future together. And when we hung out it seemed to go really well. Until a couple nights ago. The topic came up of how I could prove to her that I'm not gonna leave this time. So I said "well how can I prove it" She was responded with "well you could either marry me or have a kid with me" Okay challenge accepted, so I asked her if she really wanted that with me. She responded with a laughing emoji and said "idk about that" Mind you I've been single for 4 years just working on myself. I was in a pretty good place until she came back.

And now flashforward to today. She told me last night that we are friends. Nothing more. No sex No flirting No nothing And MAYBE just MAYBE there could be something in the future.

So that's my story. Am I right to feel hurt by all of this? Or should I just not be hurt at all and forget about it.