Upset stomach, issues with food, reactions to foods and stomach pains ect?

When I look at photos of myself or look at my reflection it feels the same as looking at a photo of someone else or their reflection. I know it's me but it doesnt feel right, it just feels like I'm looking at someone else

Is this normal? I've experienced this for too long now it never goes away

I've been slowly recovering for the past 2 months of a 3year DPDR period. It used to be really bad, like being stuck in a fight or flight mode 24/7, not being able to sleep for days because I felt so outside of reality that I thought I was damned in hell and couldn't go back. I used to DEVOUR books about symbolism trying to make sense of my experience. I mostly just thought that I died in a mushroom trip and nothing is real anymore.

I calmed down tho, I know I'm not dead even if sometimes it feels like it but I can kinda see through the "dpdr wall". I don't obsess over reality so much anymore. I mostly just have this silent anxiety and feeling off and kinda dipped in water but that's about it. My thoughts are mostly back to normal. I don't panic so much anymore. It's still annoying and I know it's not normal but compared to what I've been through it feels like a blessing.

What's more I started having these brief flashes where the veil falls off suddenly and I'm normal again. First one I had was 3weeks ago and it lasted like half a second but they started getting more frequent, longer and stronger. Yesterday I felt completly normal, yes COMPLETELY NORMAL for like 5minutes. And it's always sudden. Just poof and I remember who I am, what normal is and so on. I knew it all along but the mind just kinda has this weird thing over it. I woke up actually happy and hopeful today. Well anxiety kicked in soon after and this 'feeling off' came back but wow I'm actually stunned that it's like a switch that can come off. I'm still 24/7 stuck but these cracks I had are making me feel really good. I actully can't believe that it was just anxiety and dpdr all along and that it goes aways eventually.

I didn't think this day would come, I really didn't. I begged God to let me know that I would suffer for a trillion years if only after that it would come off. I didn't even know what it was. Sure, everyne tells you it's just anxiety and so on but you don't actually feel that way until it starts to come off. I'm not there yet but I know I will be. :DDD

Hope this post finds you well and on your way to recovery as well. If not I hope that it shines some light that recovery is possible.

I’m really addicted to sugar and I think it makes my dpdr worse. It’s been a slow realisation.

I blame YOU dpdr.

I've struggled with lack of skin sensation and feeling like my body is weightless. Sometimes I'll get a tingle up my body and I can feel more for a little bit. I don't how to make sense of any of this at all.

I got this horrifying problem from taking literally a hit of weed. On it, I felt like I forgot I existed and felt like I was going insane. It was so terrifying I thought of ending my own life. I almost tried to drown myself. It lasted the entirety of the next day. It was so bad I had to leave my college class. I thought this would pass. Well, the high passed but this was just the beginning of my dpdr. I felt like my entire sense of self was altered. I felt like I was trapped inside of my body. I wanted to scream publically. I would look at the world like I was living in a simulation or a different planet. I would question whether I was even conscious or if I was a robot. I felt like I would never be the same again. I couldn't even sleep because I was staring at my room and myself like a crazy person. My vision was entirely altered thinking things were too big or small. I would look at people and not even listen to them because I was too busy thinking they were a robot. Time was altered. I thought I lost my memories. It. Was. Bad. Even my friend who used to be in the psych ward for a number of years told me that the people there with dpdr were inconsolable and it was very sad to watch.

After this, I knew I need help and so I sought it out. I knew I couldn't just sit around because knowing me it would not pass on its own. I normally never go to the doctor for mental health issues but this was utterly terrifying to go through. I went to a therapist who referred me to NOCD...a god send. It was full of people who had similar experiences to me. I got on prozac and I started taking trazadone for sleep. Being on that weed and having all of these realizations traumatized me. I started exposure therapy and realized that the reason all of these things frighten me is because I want to feel both purposeful and safe. I started finding things in my life that would make me feel this way. I also took every stressor out of my life and embraced the positives. The exposures were horrible at first but after some time the triggers start to fade. My NOCD therapist has me sit under flourescent lights, look at pictures of space, watch videos of space, look at myself in the mirror, etc. She gets me to embrace the fear. I've been listening to a podcast called "Anxiety doesn't own me" that talks a lot about dpdr. I do a ritual of taking a bath at night and listening to it. Highly recommend. I've been doing a lot of meditation and getting into spirituality which might sound odd...but it makes me feel safe which is one of the roots to my problem. Whenever the thoughts come up about existing I just tell myself "Well what are you gonna do about it? You can't do anything." I talked to my dad a little while ago about my problem and he said "The only thing you can do is enjoy life and stop worrying, because you won't get to have this again." My advice is to just retrain your brain. Make your brain embrace these horrifying things, accept it. Find the root of your problems and explore new things that can make you happy. Oh and don't drink for now because it will only make this worse. It's hard at first, but once you figure out why you're scared of it....you get a better handle of things. Although I still have this issue, I have made so much progress. I don't feel crazy anymore, I just acknowledge my problem and move along. It will go away. Don't be too hard on yourself. You just have to believe that it will pass. And well, not smoke weed haha.

So this is really getting to me now and yes, i know i need to see a doctor but i cannot right now i have tried can anyone please read over my “symptoms” lol im really scared

So to start i tried weed about 3 months ago smoked everyday for about a week then quit, right after i quit i noticed i was just weird i would be fine the whole day then it would feel like i just got “born’d” again like id be having a conversation and all the sudden id get hit with this wave like where i feel kind of high you know?

tingly legs kinda thing and brain fog and i would be like woah what is going on

After about a month the symptoms got less and less to the point where there manigable so i thought let me try some edibles

Now i accidentally ate WAY to many and def greened out a little bit nothing too crazy was fine the next day etc its now been 3 weeks since i consumed cannabis and since then i’ve noticed some REALLY weird stuff and i dont know if this is type 2 diabetes that i just randomly spawned or all this could somehow be related to my anxiety and greening out and having a panic attack.

Like i said its been 3 weeks and now im seeing loads of eye floaters like everyday all day never had them before now there pretty much constant although in the last 10 days they have started to become slightly less noticeable like there almost going away?

After everytime i eat now 10mins after i eat i get hit with like this wave almost like everytime i eat i feel like a body buzz and kind of high?

I also sometimes feel like my chest is very heavy and my head is just slightly disconnected from my body almost like i’m a drone just hovering over my body.

These are pretty much all my symptoms and i’m not sure if this is dissociating or what like i read other peoples post and i have some symptoms but not most like i don’t feel “unreal” or like im “looking through a glass window” or anything like that i just feel like im getting high randomly throughout the day

Title.

Just want some solace to know I'm not alone.

I feel like I am losing my mind. It's bad enough in natural lighting but this is another level of hell. I've always hated this lighting, even before I developed DPDR it rubbed me the wrong way. If it's in public it's somewhat bearable but there needs to be a balancing factor, I'm mostly talking specifically about the dim house lighting. The white kind is bad enough, but I am this close to having panic attacks if it's yellow because it's the worst version of DPDR I know. It's like there's only emptiness outside this small room and the room itself is not real and I'm not real and it's too small (I am starting to suspect that I'm developing some type of claustrophobia due to being in this state so often, plus having AIWS makes it a lot easier to be very scared).

I had a small break from the yellow because one of my light bulbs was white, today I had to switch it back to yellow and the more I stay in here the more I want to literally scream. This is the reason why I cannot stand nighttime, it makes it all so much worse because this yellow, this fluorescence can never replace natural light. At least when there's natural light I know there's something out there, even if I feel completely disconnected from it. In this lighting with only darkness otherwise it's like floating in an endless abyss and being stuck in a room that feels like a small cube in a false reality uncanny valley that can end at any second and I won't exist anymore.

At least in regular, natural light DPDR I can still say I am somewhat in awareness that there is a world around me, on a logical level. Yellow light is an alternate reality I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy.

I will be a first time teacher this upcoming August but I struggle with intense DPDR. Generally, I feel disconnected and just like I’m going through the motions and I’m not sure how I’m gonna be able to teach and interact and worst of all be in the bright lights of the classroom all day , if I’m barely holding it together internally . I rely heavily on sunglasses when I go out as a seems to help me visually, but I cannot wear sunglasses in the classroom so I am really at a loss on what to do . I want to be able to give my all this school year to my students but I’m really not sure how I’m gonna be able to do that but my symptoms with D but I’m really not sure how I’m gonna be able to do that but my symptoms with DPDR are daily and can come at any random time.

i’ve had DPDR for 2 years now, and recently it’s gotten a lot worse, it used to not affect me anymore but recently it’s constant panic attacks, constantly feeling on edge, always feeling like nobody is real, existential crisis, all that jazz. but one thing is that i feel so disconnected from the people i love like my family and my boyfriend. yesterday i was wirh my whole family but i felt like an outsider looking in, like i didn’t have any connection to them. the worst is my boyfriend though. i feel like being with him triggers panic attacks but being away from him hurts. and i feel so disconnected from him like i don’t know him and like we have no spark and i dont know what to do. i don’t wanna break up but being around him is so genuinely stressful like he freaks me out so bad even when we’re just cuddling and i don’t know what to do. i want it to go away so bad. i think it might be because he was always there when i had a panic attack and would comfort and hug me so maybe i just associate him with it? i dont know i’m hiding in the bathroom texting this and i don’t wanna see him and i feel so horrible

I don’t think about it it does not bother me that much just annoying and I don’t think I have high anxiety…

I had hope. I knew I was going to get better. You could hear it in my voice. I still felt love for life and for my friends / family.

I’m in such a bad place right now and I don’t know why. I’m 10x worse than a year ago because I’ve lost all hope. Nothing has brought me any relief. I’m battered by the thoughts in my head 24/7. I feel unfixable. My brain has blocked itself off from even believing or having hope; I had both those things a year ago. I guess now that it’s been nearly 2 years of this, that hope is gone. My brain cannot believe anything I read, hear or do. The reptile part of my brain is in charge and the rational part is offline completely. My emotional reward system and emotions are fully gone too. I’m at a loss, I don’t know what to do. You can’t heal if you can’t feel. And you can’t heal if you feel no hope, or your mind won’t accept any sort of new information or believe anything. My brain doesn’t take in anything, or believe anything. No matter how much I try to accept, the brain won’t.

i was recently diagnosed with adhd and dpdr and i'm slightly stressed because unless it's "cleared" what's going to happen with the dpdr i can't start treatment for the adhd (until i start my classes at least). I personally feel that the depersonalization and derealization will never end and I honestly feel quite stressed. Has anyone overcome dpdr and if so how??

I'm tired of my head feeling empty. If I feel like I'm having thoughts it's because I'm actively forcing myself to have something there. Otherwise, there is no monologue. No thinking. No recollections to whatever I may be experiencing. Nothing. Silence.

And it gets worse sometimes. I'll do something that is making me anxious and my head feels heavy and now I don't even have access to me and recalling anything becomes nearly impossible.

The best words I have for it is depersonalization and that's why I'm here and only through rare occasions that I have stuff going on in my head do I know what it is like to feel like a fluid person. This feels like it has been going on so long I need to be reminded that this state of being has me outside myself.

I don't know how long this has been happening. It could simply be something that came about in the last 2 years, started as a response to being molested when I was 11 and everyone pretended it never happened, going through the wrong puberty, or this has just always been me.

I have such a loose idea of who I am. Other people will often explain me to me. I am so tired of this and just would like it to stop. I probably need to just do more therapy and develop better coping mechanisms or whatever but how???? Please how??? Everything is always just being mindful and shit but I hardly feel like I have a mind most the time. It is maddening.

I can feel like there are so many thoughts happening that I have no access to. Just writing all this has me wanting to cry.

:(

Im 22 (male), 6 months into this...trigger was extreme stress and anxiety and then I got some sort of neuralgia.

That shit get me in a dpdr... I know "it can always get worse" but for me thats quote for Losers.

F*CKING LIFE GUYS.

P.S. if anyone have similar problem text me...thanks.

I used to be outgoing, funny, excitable, dynamic, interesting, loving, warm, generous. Now I’m none of those things, I feel like I’ve turned into a stone statue. I feel nothing. I am nothing.

I had a strong sense of self, and awareness that was consistent through my whole life. I had complex thoughts, plans and expectations for myself. I had goals, ambitions and self awareness. I had hobbies and enjoyed hiking, going to the beach, making travel plans.

I don’t know who or what I am anymore. I have none of those attributes. I don’t identify with that person anymore, my name doesn’t feel like mine, my age, where I’m from, what I do for work, what my hobbies are, where I’m going in life. It’s all erased. My mind is nothing but music 24/7 and thinking about this 24/7. I’ve lost the things that made me, me. Who am I now? a cold, anxious, obsessive, scared, numb, trapped person. I relate to none of those qualities of who I was anymore.

I can’t get out of my head. I feel trapped. I swear I have like the worst case of this, one that has me imprisoned. I see so many people say they’ve gone months without thinking of it, how?!! It’s literally made me a different person, a person who has no agency or control over their life. A person who doesn’t even recognize their reflection. A person who is afraid of their own thoughts and reality.

I can’t believe I live in this nightmare. It’s like one i can’t wait up from. Nothing has helped, I’m losing my mind. This is not anxiety, this is pure brain meltdown. My sense of self is gone. My sense of reality is gone. Not thinking about DPDR isn’t going to change that I’m emotionally numb to my core and I can’t even cry, scream, yell, get angry. I’m bottled up with no way out. In 2 years I haven’t felt myself for one second. I know very clearly how my life used to be, feel, experience. Everyone else is living their lives, they’re alive and they know who they are. This is the most cruel and inhumane thing that can happen to someone, and there’s no end in sight. My brain won’t even believe recovery stories. It negates everything I try to take in. How can I learn or grow when my mind is cut off, I can’t think rationally, I don’t believe or trust anything.

I can’t believe this is my life. I was the happiest I’d ever been before this. This is a prison, hell, a nightmare. Nothing makes sense to me anymore, not even the world around me. I don’t know what to do.

Hey, 23M here who has dpdr ( depression as well but i guess they come in a pack ).

Has anyone experienced life skipping ? i don't know how to explain it but i basically begin thinking for a bit and right after i dissociate and as soon as an external event occur whether its a work collegue calling my name / a customer replying to me ( i work in customer service )or other, i snap back without remembering what i was thinking about or what happened during that zoning out period and it sucks having to explain myself as people don't get it :/ ( and i suck at explaining myself or what i'm feeling so it might be partly my fault )

Tldr; im acoustic so when it the sensory gets too much -> brain tries to protect itself by dissociating -> dpdr -> may be episodes or chronic. I went from chronic down to episodes only

People who got out of this. They will feel too good to write here. I also never did but i want to give back to this community one last time.

Sleep, food, health overall matters and environmental circumstances = stress on the mind. DPDR is MENTAL!

solution: Grounding techniques

• Active meditation or silent meditation
• Rain/water sounds from YouTube to listen or other ambient music
• Guided body meditation
• Showering
• Walking outside

Do I still get episodes? Yes Is it chronic? No

Chronic DPDR feels like depression or apathy. Feel nothing etc.

Episodes may be triggered by war footage, tiredness (especially at night), overload or other intense things that affect you, mentally. IRL or ONLINE.

This is all I learned and I’m sharing with all of you.

Questions may be asked in the comments and guidance for DMs.

Stay safe. Good luck and peace.

I’m really in a bad place. I didn’t think the numbness and detachment could get this bad. My brain is unable to think, I’m numb to my core, everything feels fake and far away. I don’t have any anxiety at all, this is shutdown - it’s past fight or flight, my body thinks it can’t escape so it’s playing dead.

I’m at a loss of what to do. I don’t feel like I can meditate or be mindful because I can’t even feel my own body, my senses are all cut off, my ability to think is diminished & I have a blank mind. There are no anxious thoughts running through my head.

I didn’t know it could get this bad, I feel like I’m out of my body completely. I can’t get out of bed, I don’t want to eat, go to the gym, socialize, work even, I don’t want to do anything, because I’m so incredibly numb. I have no emotional reaction to anything - it’s like I’m dead.

I’ve been in this for 2 years and I’m at a loss of what to do. My situation has continued to just get worse, not better. I really can’t live like this; my life is pathetic. Sleeping until noon. Not even wanting to be out in the sun because of how fake it all feels. I can’t even comprehend that I’m alive, that’s how far away I feel from reality and myself.

Please help. Does anyone have DPDR but with no anxiety and you’re just completely numb? No emotions, no fight or flight, no physical sensations, and all you feel is dread for being conscious.

Hi guys I’m 17 and I’ve been going through dpdr for the past 5 months and I can say I’m doing better I’ll tell you how

1. Vitamins are a good help I take omega 3 magnesium glyicnate and vitamin d (I think these help me stop over thinking and kinda relax my nervous system)
2. A positive attitude trust me this one can be hard and don’t get me wrong every time I’m doing good I always have think it won’t last
3. Give your brain a rest it’s okay to have good and bad days trust me I’ve had bad days some more than good but it won’t last forever I promise you that
4. Getting out, the more your out the better you will feel and stop being worried about stuff
5. Please please take a big note on this it is not the dpdr or the symptoms that are doing this, stop worrying about getting dpdr to go and focus on the main problem olem for me it’s childhood trauma please heal your trauma let your body be the safe space the more you work on this the symptoms will go

6 . Yoga and exercises for relaxation in the body this will help you loads and I mean loads 7. Set a goal dont think about dpdr or anything just set this as it is what you want to plan in life as you was perfectly fine please take a bit take to this please 8. Green tea and herbs to drink omg when I tell you this puts my mind to ease it does it relaxes me and gets rid of my anxiety not permanently but defiantly when my mind can be anxious 9. Please be patient when recovering this will take time no longer and no shorter times different for everyone 10. Find a comfort show book or hobbies 11. Please look into Jordan hardgrave on his TikTok or YouTube this is which has gotten me where I am 12. Get offline get off redit and delete it stop researching you wont find the cure overnight if you do this, this is a step 13. Forget about it this is so hard and I’m struggling cause I think about this everyday please try too Best luck on getting recovered I have no doubt you guys won’t!!!! You got this 14. sleep and food or so important too get a good night sleep and eat proper foods this one’s so important

Hello, I am 20 years old. I have had dpdr for over 8 years. I am currently using concerta 54mg, wellbutrin 150mg, paxera 30mg, risperdal 0.5mg. It was written on the internet that lamictal would be good, I started with 50mg and went up to 100, but I could not see any effect. My memory is bad, I can't focus. What can I do about this? What other medications can I try?

I believe a lot of people who claim to be able to treat dpdr with psychological treatment, CBT other treatments to do with changing how you think only work for cases without an underlying mechanism. Anxiety is more often than not a symptom of something else and is also an umbrella term. For a lot of people, dpdr may be caused by an underlying illness that be that autoimmune, neurological, infections, post viral illness or many other systemic disorders. I believe CHRONIC dpdr sufferers often may have one of these hence ‘changing the way you think about dpdr’ is highly unlikely to change one’s experience unless underlying issues are treated which may be very complicated. Be it treating with medication for underlying illness (which may have many mental health comorbities) or psychiatric medication. For less severe episodic cases ‘act as normal’ treatment, which is pedalled by so many so called ‘therapists’ etc may have some benefit. But these people are simplifying a complex disorder which is a spectrum and has many causes. I believe strong chronic dpdr symptoms is definitely caused systemic underlying issues. Thus making recovery extremely difficult nevermind being diagnosed in the first place.

TL;DR - Mental illness is fucking complicated involving a multitude of factors including: personal biology, social, psychological factors etc. the treatment is so much more complex than some ‘therapists’ think.

I know how it is - we kinda live with this condition but my life is far from normal. I can't work, I can't connect with friends, I'm depressed and have been inside most of the time because going outside is too overwhelming.

I'm alone and don't have kids or a family so I wonder how on earth many of you do it!

Those people with a job, a family... a "normal" life - how do you do it?! How can you put aside the terror and insanity of this state and... manage going through everything that needs to be done?

Idk if it's just me but before I fell in this hole I was a very organised person. I was on top of everything, my anxiety had nothing to do with practical things because I was really in control. Now my place is a mess, I can barely get out of bed, etc. I should add that I'm also going through a deep depression so that adds a lot to it but I also wonder - who in here doesn't have a depression as well? Because to me they're linked and I can't imagine not being depressed while having DPDR.

I'm just trying to kill time asking these things, hopefully making me feel less alone since this hole is unlike anything I've ever been through before.... and I've been through a lot but this is a whole level of f'ed up ;/

Has Anyone any tips? My dpdr gets Worse daily and i Need some tips? I lay in bed all day, i barely do anything these days, i get Worse when i eat and not eat and when i talk to people, anyone simular symptoms or any tips?

I know that I’m real, I know the world is real. I have no connection to any of it. The world used to be immersive, vivid, I could feel it around me, I was a part of it. Each city I would go to, would have its own feeling. I responded to my environment, I sensed it. It made sense, it felt real. Now it’s like I’m in a hologram and the world is no longer what it used to be. I’m detached from it all. My inner emotions are so far removed, I can’t feel a thing. I don’t respond to physical touch, I don’t get the feels for music, I don’t smell my favorite cologne and get that rush of feeling, I don’t feel love for friends and family. I look in the mirror and I don’t even feel human. Nothing makes sense, my reflection, the world, space, time, my own body. I can’t understand any of it, or connect with any of it. No wonder I’m anxious, when I really think about how much DPDR has altered my life; and how it’s made me feel like I’m not connected to anyone or the world around me, that’s why I’m so anxious. Living this way is severely traumatizing, scary and numb. I can’t articulate it to anyone who hasn’t experienced, it’s impossible. I know memories are tied to your emotional arousal, so when you’re numb - you can’t understand your life or anything you used to know / feel.

How do I reconnect with my body, surroundings and emotions when my brain has put up this wall? There’s such separation between me and reality, I’m scared of what reality would feel like. And it’s not a thinking problem, the world physically doesn’t feel like I’m in it, like I’m a real participant of life. I hear people talking about their life plans, and none of it makes sense to me; why do we do all this to just die? Why do we do all this to just suffer? Life is full of pain and suffering - doing anything feels futile and like a waste, when you can’t feel anything. The inability to feel has made me realize how pointless everything is, unless you are able to give it meaning. Without meaning or emotion - life is meaningless, and has no inherent meaning. That’s all been taken from me; my memories, my sense of self, my sense of reality, my emotions, my thoughts, I can’t cognitively understand anything either. This is just pure hell, and I think one of the worst mental things someone can go through. You no longer trust your own reality, your own mind, your own safety. My mind has gotten itself into a trap and it can’t get out.

My blood test all came normal besides vitamin d so I've been prescribed 20,000iu per week for 10 weeks, I've taken my 5th dose yesterday and still feel the same. I thought my brain fog and dissociation/depersonalisation was probably related to vitamin d but seems like it's not.

I am still EXTREMELY sleepy throughout the day and experience dissociation. I feel like I'm half asleep but I can still do everything but with very low energy. I slept at 11:30pm last night and woke up at 8:30am so thats supposed to make me feel refreshed but no, I am absolutely drained.

What could be causing the tiredness? Ask me any more questions if I missed anything I should've mentioned.

That’s my problem - I never believed I would get out of this from day one. I’ve been held hostage for 2 years and I’ve lost all hope. I can’t foresee a future where I feel real and normal again, where I don’t think about this, where I’m just me & living life. I don’t see how that’s possible after how much I’ve suffered. I loved life, even through all the trauma and anxiety, I still wanted to be here.

I have no sensory input (smell, touch, taste) and my body is completely numb. I don’t feel anything internally, even my own heartbeat. My body doesn’t feel like it’s mine and I don’t even feel like I’m in it. I have no goals, ambitions, plans, ability to think of a future. I had my whole life ahead of me and then this happened, I’ve never been so hopeless and wanting to end it in my life. This has brought me to my lowest point. The music in my head 24/7, the constant stress of living like this, the emotional pain and inability to function. I feel like I’m destroyed and there’s no part of me that believes I will ever get better, I don’t know how. I’ve been trying to so hard to listen to recovery stories, and focus on other things. So many people say you just forget you have it and go on with life, I can’t understand that. It’s my every waking moment, it’s in my dreams, it invades every part of me. It has become me. I don’t know how I could go on with life when I can’t feel anything, when I have no sensory experience of the world, when I’m detached from my own body. I don’t even have any physical anxiety, and DPDR is what causes my mental anxiety. I don’t feel safe in the world because of how detached I am. I cannot connect with myself, or anyone around me. I’m cut off from it all. And sleep doesn’t even give me a break, because my dreams are insane vivid and I get them every night.

I never thought my life could end up like this. I didn’t even know DPDR was a thing until it happened to me. Ever since that panic attack, my life has never been the same. I woke up that next morning and this hell began. I know people need me, and want me here. But I don’t see how I can continue on like this; I’ve never been so numb and exhausted in my entire life. I see no point to anything. I’ve lost my memory, my emotions and myself into a dark abyss of nothing. My mind doesn’t believe there’s anything that will help, or get me out of this. I think back on how I used to experience life; with such vividness, with such emotion, with such a carefree attitude. I felt such passion for my career, I connected and loved my friends, family and dog. I knew even in hard times, the sun would always come out again. I knew I had purpose and value to bring to life. I wanted to get out of bed each day. I miss loving music. I miss loving to travel. I miss enjoying food. I miss having dreams and goals. I miss feeling that summer sunshine and warmth. I miss those feelings you get for someone you like. I miss looking forward to life - I feel nothing for any of that anymore.

For the last 2 years, I’ve lost all of that. Every single thing. I don’t know how I’m even still here. I have no concept of time, I’m stuck in the same moment since this began. I have no concept of the world and what reality is; I can’t comprehend seasons, time, traveling, humans - all of it makes no sense. I want to live a life of value and purpose - and this has taken all that from me. I’m trapped. I feel like I can’t breathe, I’m drowning.