Ever since it happened in June, I just wonder if he’s done this to other girls, or if I’m the only one… I just feel so isolated and broken and like something is wrong with me, like I must have deserved this. And to top it off.. he contacted me a week ago asking to hang out saying he knew I wanted some “ treatment “ like what does that even mean? I just felt sick… I need to cry again because the feelings are becoming overwhelming again. I hate this. Why me

Was this sexual assault?

I am wondering if anyone can help me determine if this was sexual assault.

I went home with a guy after the bar not too long ago, I was quite drunk and he was a bit drunk but definitely less than me. We started hooking up in his room and once the sex started I started crying pretty heavily but he never stopped having sex with me or asked me if I was ok. In retrospect I think I was crying because I was scared that if I told him to stop he wouldn’t listen and just keep having sex (I think this is PTSD from previous assaults). I never explicitly said the words no but I think from my crying I thought he would stop and ask if I was ok. I also know that he saw me crying because he mentioned it to a friend after saying I was crying because the sex was so good. It’s a bit of a grey area this situation and would appreciate any advice or insight.

When I was younger I was taken advantage of repeatedly by my step dad unfortunately for me this led to me mistaking feeling safe with older men as me being attracted to older men. Well 6 years ago I was adopted and I thought I had developed a crush on my dad. I forgot until last night session with my therapist after the session I called my boyfriend and told him about how embarrassing that was to remember. Some how my mom and dad heard and I explained to them what was happening they said they understood and that they didn't think of me any differently. But now I'm embarrassed and I feel like I'm the only girl in the world who had that issue.

I was molested as a child from 0 to 4 and a half years old by an evil old man. Before my 5th birthday he died of esophageal cancer and I was relieved he couldn't hurt me anymore but what has happened had happened and even his death couldn't undo the trauma he created, only he can't create anymore abuse or pain. Everyone liked and trusted him but he was wicked and evil behind closed doors? He was married with kids so I wonder if I was the only one or if he did this to them too? Did he abuse other little girls? How could such as well liked man so something so evil?

I was raped by a guy the first day I had met him I was drunk and I can't remember a lot of that night but the parts I remember were the bad parts when I sobered up I stayed in the same bed as him and acted like nothing happend and I kissed him , I had never been raped before I remember thinking in that moment "am I being raped right now" as it was happening but I think I was blacked out a lot of that night because I can't remember a lot of things. I reported it a week later because I was in denial I didn't want to believe something like that had just happend to me I felt disgusting I would always be washing my body because how disgusting I felt. He got arrested and told his ex about it and she messaged me threatening me and calling me a liar saying "why did you stay with him the next day if he raped you?" And it hurt me becuase I asked myself the same thing and why I stayed with him the next day and acted like nothing happend after he raped me while I was drunk , his friends would say I lied my own family weren't supportive at all I had to get swabs done for dna and i had bruises all over my legs and I had to go through it all on my own the only people there for me were the police to be honest.

Its been a month since it happend and he's on bail while they investigate everything I keep worrying he will get away with it and he's done this to other girls aswell.

whoever's read all of this thank you i know it's so long but I had to vent somewhere my heart goes out to everyone who's been raped or sexually assaulted just know ur not alone 💗

When i was 12 my dad began to act differently towards, he would do other things that I just assumed were normal like rub my chest and butt. At the time it didn’t even register to me that something was wrong. One night he came into my room and woke me up and raped me. Recently I have been thinking about it and don’t really know how to feel about it.

I just need to get this off my chest because it’s hard to carry it alone. And would like some advice too.

After randomly coming across him on social media, I’ve been deeply affected. I haven’t seen him in many many years, so it was shocking to see him again. He looked happy and cheerful—pictures of him traveling and spending time with his family. It made me angry. He took so much from me. Since this incident, I’ve felt sad, overwhelmed with racing thoughts, and have been struggling to sleep. I even got sick.. Idk if thats connected to that incident.

I m really struggling these days. And I don't feel like I can tell ppl around me about it. And generally there are so much confusion and struggles with everything that this had made for me and my life, my sexuality and gender identity (I m a trans woman).

Anyways.. I just needed to get all that off my chest.

I was raped several times growing up by the same person and it was really my first introduction into sex at all… I didn’t even know what sex was until it happened. Now I find myself being hypersexual in theory (heavy flirting, sexting, thinking about sex) until it comes to the actual act of sex and then I get nervous and find it hard to enjoy it at all.. after I do have sex with someone I always get super attached and super insecure about what they thought of my body and whether or not they think less of me because I had sex with them and it makes me spiral really bad. I’m going through that right now with someone I haven’t been talking to for very long so I guess I’m just looking for some advice on how to get past that

So for context this was over three years ago, and me and a friend were hanging out in an abandoned restaurant just chilling in a seating booth that someone had removed the table and put the two booth sofas together to make a bed type thing. This friend had sat down in this booth and she asked me to lay down on her so my body was between her legs with my head resting on her boobs. I did as I knew she was going through stuff at that moment. Well awhile into me laying like that on her I fell asleep and about half an hour later woke up slowly to the feeling of tugging and massaging down there on me which at first I didn’t realise what was happening but after I fully came to I realised she was groping me and feeling around there and I was hard too so it was very obvious. I quickly jumped off her when I realised what was going on and that was the end of it. I asked her what she was doing and she said she was being curious. After that we parted ways for the day and that evening she messaged me saying that my bulge turned her on and asked me to come over to hers to fuck but as she’d done that and I was 15 at the time and she was 16 I refused as I wasn’t sure what had happened. Me and this friend are no longer friends by the way, I realised she beats her dogs and wasn’t a nice person.

(Possible trigger warning)

So I got raped around December by my ex. Then when I was trying to recover from that and I thought going to my best friends would help so I did but they ended up raping me too and I got pregnant then I miscarried. My best friend of 10 years. And I’m only 17.

I’m just so overwhelmed by all what happened. My mother knows what happened but even after we booked for a therapist I still can’t get one. And it’s been all the way until now and I’m still waiting on that list.

It’s hard to just go on with my life I’ve had bad thoughts about just ending it all but I always told myself it would get better but it’s not getting better.

I feel like I’m just in a deep hole that I can’t get out of it’s the worse feeling I feel it everyday just all those events looming over me. It’s a constant reminder of what happened and it’s caused me to be very closed off more then I already was.

My main outlet to being social was VR chat and Xbox but I can’t keep doing that. It’s been so rough for me and I feel like I need to reach out and actually get something to at least help me. Like somebody to talk too even cause I can’t get a therapist.

I don’t have the money to do that really either. I’ve been working 17 an hour on midnight shifts with snow removal. I’m hoping to get somebody soon but my chances are low.

Since the worst of it, but lately, it's always on my mind. The flashbacks have been so frequent and intense. I'm trying to get support, but it's hard. My family does not know how to handle something like this and has proven that, which I understand. I have friends, but it is way too heavy to lay on them. I need therapy again, but it is taking forever. Also, I was diagnosed with PTSD years ago, but as I learn more recently, C-PTSD is more accurate to my experience, I think. Ugh, I wish it wasn't such a process sometimes.

A trigger earlier this year has honestly kinda sent me spiraling, and it's been hard accepting that all the hard work I did to keep myself together unraveled so rapidly.

I may regret this but if anyone would like to chat, I'm open to it (saw the rule about needing to invite PMs) I don't feel like I can talk to anyone irl about this, it's so isolating.

Bit of context, I had a tough childhood I never had any support from my parents. There was always screaming rows in the house, throwing things, domestic violence. e.t.c we struggled with poverty also. I got badly bullied for years and have been treated badly by friends. When I was a child I was raped by a someone I trusted, and this happened again when I was 12 by my then boyfriend who was also physically and mentally absusive. When I was 16 I had this 20yr old try the same thing with me luckily he didn’t go that far and only did a few things to me. Fast forward to 18 (current age) I was assaulted by an older man a few months ago and after a few times he raped me for a good hour or so and ever since I’ve tried to block him, I’ve told him to leave me alone and he won’t stop adding me on social media, to make matters worse he knows roughly where I live and he knows exactly where I work. This is gone so far that it’s affected my personal life. I don’t feel human anymore, I feel like I’m living in the afterlife most days and I’ve started to behave in a narsasistic manner (this is what friends and family have mentioned). As a child I was always told how kind and hardworking I was to strangers and ppl I loved but the last couple of years had been a gradual hole. I don’t feel empathy anymore, I always have to take control and be right in situations, I am always talking about how stupid ppl are and how amazing I am when in fact I hate myself. I have mood swings and substance problems, I’m always looking to party. I have attachment problems to my bsf and this is severely affecting my friendship with her as she explained that I make her feel like a ghost, invisible and she hardly recognises me, we have been best friends for years and she’s my favourite person, we got into an argument the other night and I don’t think she’ll speak to me again and it’s all because I can’t open up to her. This had gotten dramatically worse since he’s done this to me and I feel physically sick at the thought. I relive it everyday and I always snap at my bsf and feel angry when I’m not even angry at her, I’m angry at myself. I don’t recognise myself anymore and feel ashamed at everything I do. I am struggling with him trying to get me to go back and do what he wants as he’s constantly adding me and messaging me on every social he can and taunting me knowing full well what he’s done. He’s manipulative and he knows I struggle with alcohol and in the past cocaine (to add I’ve been clean for a year and half) but he is bribing me to go back for that. I think I’ve formed some attachment to him because I desperately don’t want him near me but it’s like I do and I want to go back and relive it all. I’ve been drinking nearly everyday to cope and I’ve barely gone into work, I don’t know what to do as nobody knows the ins and outs of what I went through. If anyone has got any advice it would be greatly appreciated thank you

I need opinions on this matter, do you think it’s healthy to search, read and think about rape after being sexually assaulted? Like it developed into a kink/fetish despite being an extremely traumatic experience for me, I have been reading some non-consensual fanfictions of my favorite character, filtering all the stories with the rape tag and most of them just makes me horny but in those stories where they actually stop mid-raping I feel so bad.

I find more comfort reading about brute assault rather than stories where the victim gets saved/comforted after the trauma, I don’t know why and I feel like something is utterly wrong with me. I have fantasies about being raped but each time someone kisses me or tries to initiate anything I just freeze and feel uncomfortable, It makes me sick.

I’m a 15f from Beijing and I moved to the US for boarding school It’s kinda a culture shock and just last night we were all at a party but I had never drank before or anything like that and I had some drinks and I guess I have a rly low tolerance because I knew u wasn’t thinking straight and I could barely walk and some tall guy who I think was in my class took me to one of the rooms in the house and at first I thought he was trying to help me because I could barely function but then he pushed me on the bed and started taking off my clothes and touching me where I didn’t wanna be touched and I could barely move and I felt rly weak and then I think I blacked out cause I don’t remember anything else but when I woke up I was completely naked and my throat was sore please help idk what to do or who to tell and I don’t even know what the guys face looked like

I’m a female, with a very very good reputation in school. theres this boy, lets call him “ garlic “.. garlic, has raped, assaulted and threatened me. i reported this to the school and they claimed to take care of it. he was suspended for a month, and i see him every day.

today i found out i was suspended for 2 months for handling a wax pen on school property. 2 months, more than garlic. how is that fair? the school thinks its okay to have a rapist on school but not a high honor roll student, no negative record and a very high reputation.

oh and garlic, horrible grades and multiple suspensions, horrible past and compulsive lies. the school was notified that he still threatened me, he called cps on me and told police that my father is a threat to me. but of course, he was not punished. i still see him every single day with a constant reminder of what he did.

my mom and i are really close. i feel like i can come to her w most things, but one thing i've never been open w her about is sex/guys in general. for all she knows, i maybe haven't even had my first kiss haha. we just don't talk about it. about a month ago i had a weird situation with a guy friend. my friends and i had been day drinking all day halloween weekend and then went out that night. by the time everyone got back to one of my friends houses to keep hanging me and i think most people were pretty much blacked out. my friend and i decided to sleep over bc we were kinda far from our hotel and the friends who lived there offered. one of my guy friends said i could sleep in his bed and since he and i are pretty close, i didn't think anything of it. this friend has kissed me a couple times in the past but i've always jokingly pushed him away and told him i don't see him like that. so once i'm in bed, he starts kinda spooning and kissing me. i don't know why it didn't stop it. i know the blame ultimately lies on him, but i so wish that i had just gotten up right then and avoided this whole thing. i think i was just SO drunk that i wasn't thinking of where it could lead and scared for the awkwardness/ him being hurt if i said something. and idk, there might have been a small part that enjoyed the innocent cuddling thinking it was just gonna be that. it's such a blur, but at some point without asking me he took off my clothes. i know at this point i was like "wait fuck fuck fuck" and tried to inch away so he wasn't too close to me. i remember him trying to like finger me (sorry tmi), finally telling him i was tired and i wanted to go to bed, and him arguing a little. on top of that, i'm literally in love w his best friend (which he knows) and i remember my main thought being "i'm scared ****** is going to find out about this and not like me". and that's all i remember, but like i said i was SO drunk. the next morning i woke up feeling used and gross but just wanting to push it away and never think about it again. and i did. fast forward a week & a half later, i am wiping after going to the bathroom and there is this pinkish spotting that i've never seen before. weird. being the hypochondriac i am, i google it and find a super common cause that looked identical to what i had is implantation bleeding, which you get in super early pregnancy. i flip out but once again tell myself i'm crazy and that i would've felt if we'd had sex bc i usually get sore and i haven't had sex since june. so another two weeks go by and i'm on a trip with my mom and i realize my period is like 5 days late. all the sudden i couldn't contain the anxiety id been ignoring and i decide i need to take a test. i tried like 5 diff excuses to get out of my mom and my hotel room alone and she keeps coming up w objections for leaving or saying she'll come w me. so i finally just break down and tell her everything. i was literally sobbing and trembling from how scared and uncomfortable i was of the situation and having to jump straight into the deep end from refusing to tell her whether i think a guy is cute to "oh btw, gotta go get a pregnancy test!". to say her reaction devastated me is an understatement. the first thing she told me was “you need to fucking pull it together and stop having these crazy nights where you get way too drunk do drugs and god knows act like a whore” (context: i am 22, i JUST graduated with great grades from a great university, and i go out like a normal girl my age and was w a small group of friends that were my friend group 4 years of college) then when i told her i was sorry and thought i was safe w a guy that i thought was a good friend she said "you know i am a mother of a boy too and i see both sides. it's so incredibly hard for them these days when they're drinking w a girl and something happens and as soon as the girl decides she regrets it she can cry rape and ruin his life". that one fucking GOT ME. are you kidding me?!?! if any woman in my life told me a story like that, i would want to literally kill the guy, not sympathize how hard it is for them these days. to give her some credit she is terrible in stressful situations and usually overreacts like crazy and i'm sure she was really scared hearing something like that from her daughter. and she has grown up around really conservative people/old school kinda philosophy stuff. and she apologized. but still. we went down and bought a test and it was negative and we haven't spoken about it since. but basically i need advice on how i car approach this w her best to make her understand she hurt my feelings and understand my pov more bc she is one of the closest people in my life. sorry that was so long and i've literally never posted on reddit before Imfao but this situation was too personal to get advice from anyone besides my best friend who i told so. if you read this all and took the time to reply i genuinely appreciate so much

Hi,

I'm making this post on a burner account cuz the person I'm going to talk about also uses reddit and I'd rather not want them to know I'm talking about this fact since they know about it...

So, here's the deal... I'm right now a 20 year old trans male, have already went through most of my transition (everything but my lower half is changed). I have this friend (I'll call them ABC) that I am very close with, to the point we became friends with benefits.

So, one day about half a year ago I came over to ABC's house for a sleepover. Everything went ok untill we got intimate with one another. We're used to being intimate, we've done it before, but this time was different.

She (ABC is a trans woman, not transitioned yet) and I talk about boundaries sometimes, and I have STRICTLY told her that I am NOT comfortable with having sex without a condom, I only do it WITH, not without. She is well aware of this...

Continuing on, when we got intimate we started off just playing around a bit, experimenting some more and stuff. Then whils't I'm laying down (and my memory is quite blury from there on but I remember the most important parts) she out of nowhere starts trusting in me WITHOUT A CONDOM... Basically crossing the only boundary I had set...

I swear I can recall me saying 'stop' several times, which she denies, but i still hear her saying whilst trusting after I continuously said 'Stop' over and over: 'but it feels so good', and continues trusting... And from there I cannot recall anything anymore, it's just a big blur...

Now onto 2 weeks after the incident, my mind couldnt stop thinking of what happened that day and yeh, I go to my parents for advice and they said it is sexual assault, since I stated clear boundaries and she crossed them without my consent...

Now comes the deal to why I'm debating whether it's rape or not:

So, I went to my other close friend, who also thought ABC was quite someone to deal with (she often had/has narcissistic remarks, often trying to one-up others and sitting on her high horse) and I basically claimed ABC was a rapist to said other friend (he also said yea from what he heard from me)

Now were like a couple days after I told said friend, ABC knows that I called her a rapist cuz I talked to her about me thinking she assaulted me, which she ofcourse denies. She claims I never said stop to her, even with me being 99% sure I did say stop several times with her 'but it feels so good' remark right after, and claims her to now be the victim cuz I 'falsely' accused her of being a rapist, she got mad at me and called me an asshole for it, and was mad for several days to weeks after (now (like in now now), she still tends to refer to that moment)...

I get her reaction to being called a rapist, but my excuse to jumping to conclusions that fast was due to the fact that this isn't my first time getting sexually assaulted, my ex always wanted sex from me and forced it out of me... She knew about this situation and that it was a panic response, but she keeps ignoring that fact and keeps on the idea that it's just me being the one to blame.

Now I really want help to know whether I have been raped by her or not, cuz Today randomly during my morning shower I came to the realisation that I might actually have been raped... Tho it's so unclear due to her saying I didn't say stop and yea, I'm just really confused please help...

Any opinion or advice is highly appriciated.

So, I had a crush on an older coworker and wanted to hook up with him. First encounter was fine but during the 2nd encounter. He was trying to put it in my butt. I was fine til he really starts going in for it. Im saying "nonononono" while using my hand to press up against him like, stop/backup. He holds that hand. He leans down to kiss me and thrusts a couple of times until i got louder saying "no" and "stop" every time. I started crying and saying "it hurts". Panic attack ensues.

After a while, I let him walk me to my car because it was past 12am at this point.

He said he's never meant to hurt me and that he is sorry for hurting me. I told him i said "no" and "stop" . He nodded his head and said he's sorry. He gave me some hugs. A kiss goodbye. Opened my car door for me. I saw him waiting on the opposite side to see me drive off.

It's been about 4 weeks. I confronted him week 2 at work because I noticed he's been wandering around our department at work. More often than usual. We work on the same floor but opposite sides.

He denies what happened was rape. He said "sorry you feel that way" and "i miss you...but I'll give you your space"

Our department/my colleagues don't interact with his side. But he's trying to mingle around with people that sit near or around me. I know people are going to tell me to find another job or to report it.

I can't afford to find another job at the moment due to the experience I need in this specific field of work. It's been a struggle finding this one that I started a few months ago. Reporting it will most likely go nowhere and I worry about him retaliating.

I'm hoping to stick it out for a year before finding another place to work. Idk if I'm even looking for advice. I just feel frustrated about the situation and how he doesn't see what he did was wrong.

i don’t know if this is the right subreddit for this, but i don’t know where to go. my partner and i have been very close friends since our freshman year of high school. before we were super close however, they'd always be walking around with this girl who always had a super tight grip on them (literally. she was always grabbing their arm or back or something and they never looked comfortable with it at all). the summer from freshman to sophomore year they told me that this girl had sexually assaulted them more than once in the past, but they have trouble being able to push people away and set boundaries. i was (and believe i still am) the only person that they've ever told about this, and have been there for them to talk about anything ever since. throughout our friendship they started to push the girl away, and not interact anymore (which i was very proud of them for), and eventually they confronted her via test when asked why she wasn't being spoken to anymore. she apologized and blamed it on "some personal things" she had going on which i frankly think was bs, but regardless, my partner accepted despite continuing with the lack of interaction between the two of them.

now we are seniors, and we're together. my partner has a class with this girl, who i guess assumed that they were "chill" again? but because of this they've been talking more and stuff and they say that they're "fine" now. and see, i'm very happy for them for being able to overcome their trauma, and be bigger than it, but i don't understand. this girl had proven time and time again that she is not a good person (she's not super popular already due to multiple instances of racism and altogether weirdness with multiple people), and they can just forgive her just like that? and my partner is the sweetest person i know, and i know that they want to "make things right" and please everyone, but i care for them so much, and i'm terrified that they'll get taken advantage of again. i hate this girl, and i love my partner, and i'm scared for them. i don't know how to handle my feelings.

summary: my partner forgave someone that sexually assaulted them, now they speak regularly and i'm scared they're going to get hurt again.

Can anyone share advice on how to proceed now that I realize videos and still images of my being raped and abused as a child and ttleen (by my pedophile dad, grandpa and dozens of other men they pimped me out to) as a child and teen are likely online. It chills me to the core that I have no idea what is out there that has my image and my being brutalized. I need next steps on how to find out (and whether I should) and how to cope with what I find out. Has anyone been in my shoes?

This will be so long winded. I’m in Ohio. I was married for 11 years. I dated whom I thought was someone better. I was wrong. Took well over 20,000 dollars from me. Would demand money from me(he would blow his check then mine in a matter of days). Was a huge clean freak. To make a long story short lots and lots of fights. I would normally just cry. I tried to get him out, he would demand money I didn’t have. So I was stuck. One day, made it home before my daughter and I. He found collapsed boxes in her room. He flipped out. Slamming her hand in the cupboard getting a trash bag. I seen red. Yelled for her to go to her room. 2 hour fight. My daughter got scared and called the law. I paid for him to stay in a hotel. Once he left, I told the cop everything. Cps helped and put us in a hotel for 4 days while he “left”. Or so I thought. I own my home out right. He mentally tortured me for 30 days. Rapped me for 2 weeks straight. Would sneak in my back door while my kids slept upstairs. Said if I made noise or fought him he’d kill me. Led me to believe I would go to jail for fraud(my oldest qualifies for Medicaid because my jobs health coverage is awful). Then I snapped, he ran. Not before he wrote his own confession letter as a commitment to stop when I knew he wouldn’t. He socially isolated me. Strangled me. It’s all online. I don’t even know where I’m going with this he was eventually caught in June and sentenced in October to 27-31 years. 16 counts of rape. A count of strangulation and extortion. I feel like my name is tainted. I go to the gym, work and home. Spend time with my kids and that’s it. When will I be normal? It’s been 9 months. I’m in therapy. Take meds.

Hi im not sure if this falls into whats allowed on this sub cuz my bird was the one raped but i just want advice on what to do if she comes to me about it or if theres anything i can do to help her feel better in this situation cuz i dont wanna do something wrong and make what shes going through worse

Obviously TW: child SA, vent

I don’t remember how old I was when it happened, but I wasn’t even ten at the time. I got raped by a man I don’t know in a country I don’t know, never saw the man again, never been to the country again, and it was horrible. But I felt some physical pleasure during it and I feel so gross and guilty.

I’m 13 now getting married in three years, living with it, but it really sucks that I can’t even tell anyone, since I’m in a religious family that defines a woman’s worth by her virginity. And even tho I like to believe I’m still a virgin, they wouldn’t, and they’re most likely to kill me if my future husband tells them I’m ‘not a virgin’ than not. And it really sucks that I can’t at least find my rapist and sue him to at least feel a little better, but even if I did manage to do that, I feel bad because I don’t know if it’s rape and I have the right to do that or if I just had sex and actually isn’t a virgin.

I would really appreciate any kind of help or reply, please be nice, thank you.

Hi guys!! So when i was little i spent a lot of time at one of my uncle and his wife’s house. To the point where i would spend my bdays with them instead of with my mother. This particular uncle has always been borderline weird, proudly saying he’s having sex with way too young prostitutes (while married) to several family members for example. Anyway, weirdly enough, even tho i spent a lot of my childhood at his place i have very little memory of him, i remember his wife a lot better. All i remember is i had a very weird feeling about him as a child. When i was little i had dreams in which i would stab him to death (i was like 6-8). Now a couple of months ago i had a nightmare in which he was raping me when i was little. The other day, my mother came back from his wife’s bday party, asking me with a worried voice if he had ever been inappropriate to me, and saying i shouldn’t have spent so much time with him as a kid. (she has no idea about how i felt about him as a child or my dreams). Now i was abused as child (including by a family member (that isn’t him)) so idk if my brain’s just confused and mixing things up, or if i should dig deeper… Does your brain make up things like that?? Anyway, i’d love to have other people’s thoughts on this so thank you so much for taking of your time to help me out. May God bless y’all!!!🫶

I (F19) started speaking with a man (M21) from my local community college. He was very charismatic and kind and drove me around and took me out for Halloween to the city and overall a great guy. We both agreed that neither of us want a relationship but are happy to hang out and flirt as friends. He seemed to want to be sexual and I have only had one body. He has 5. (6, now.) Yesterday, he came to my house for the first time and we got a little into it and I allowed it to happen. We had sex, and after he asked if I wanted to go again and I said no, I was feeling ashamed and regretful for allowing that to happen. He said ok and we went downstairs and continued just hanging out. I went to the bathroom to clean up and got a little emotional because I don't really believe in sex outside of relationships, so I was feeling guilty. Later in the night, he offered to massage my back and had me lay on my stomach. I did so, and as he rubbed my lower back he was also massaging my back side which isn't a problem to me. He then just takes my pants off randomly and has sex with me without asking. I was so caught off guard by this I didn't even say anything or make any noise while he was doing it. I just laid there and let it happen until he was done and felt so out of touch for the rest of the night. I feel so pathetic for freezing up but I really didn't know what to do. Later, he tried AGAIN and was rubbing it on me thru his pants and tried to force me into my room and was blocking my way out but I forced my way past him and said I am not playing these games. He didn't follow me downstairs, so I went up to check and he was laying on my bed, presumably waiting for me to be in there with him. I just went back down and waited. I feel so wrong about this, but I don't want to be making dumb accusations and overreacting. Can someone confirm or deny my feelings?

(Mention of suicidal thoughts)

I feel like nobody cares about me as much as he does. Since people found out about me ‘being raped’ I feel like nobody could give a shit, they say it’s a ‘minor’ safeguarding concern. When I cry they ask me why I’m crying, that I should be focusing on mock exams and that this isn’t significant. And they see that I’m ‘perfectly fine’ and none of this has affected me in any way. All of these people who ‘support’ me look at me with that blank face with no smile or anything when I make eye contact with them and these adults talk and see me like I’m nothing. That I’m just some student. I don’t fit in with anyone, I feel abnormal from my friends and that in some way or another everyone hates me. Even if their tone is slightly off. When I spoke to my counsellor about how I’ve always felt different from people, that my behaviour isn’t ‘normal’ and that I wanted to see a psychiatrist as a form of closure she just said that everyone says this and believes they’re mentally ill because of TikTok and whatever social media. I felt so invalidated by that. I didn’t say I was ill but feeling this way for my entire life is hard for me. In my eyes he cared for me more than anyone else and I still speak to him by text. I know that he did basically rape me multiple times but it’s still hard to believe and I know I shouldn’t be talking to him. I still like him. I feel like nobody understands except him. I don’t want to see him but i still want his comfort. Sometimes I feel like I should overdose or do something ‘bad’ just so people know that I’m not okay.

Married only a year when it happened he was angry we had been arguing and I couldn’t believe he would force himself inside me I layed there and cried. He didn’t care. This happened about three times since we got married. We are also in our early 60’s. I try to heal with counseling and marriage classes but I have flash backs and I don’t feel the same now towards him.

Hi all who are reading this, I (female) am a survivor of COCSA and because of the nature of my experience (with the perpetrator also being female), I have found it difficult to find stories like mine. I have pretty recently begun to address what happened to me and I am still struggling with a lot of shame, numbness, and negative self-talk, so I guess I am looking for some way to validate my experience.

I will also be using "K" for the perpetrator throughout the story.

It began when I was 15 years old and entering my first year of high school. I had already known "K" for a year, and she was from a different city so when her living arrangements fell through, I said that I would see if "K" could live with me and my family next year. Unfortunately, this arrangement ended up working and she moved in September. At this point in my life, I was deeply insecure and genuinely believed that I was not a complete person and did not deserve to take up space in the world, which in retrospect, is something "K" probably knew.

Whenever we talked or spent time together when my parents weren't around, "K" would dramatically shiver in disgust and tell me that my physical presence disgusted her, like my hands which she referred to as "monster hands". We almost always hung out in her bedroom, and she would sit on her bed, and say I was only allowed to sit in the far corner of her room on the floor (in a small ball) because she found my presence so revolting. She claimed that her disgust with my physical body was because of her OCD, which I don't think she was ever formally diagnosed with. During the time she lived with me, "K" also intensively gaslit me, controlled and degraded me while using me as an emotional outlet for her problems. Somehow, I still feel like she was the only person who ever understood me.

Eventually, she said she was going to "work on herself" and she started allowing me onto her bed. She instructed me to sit completely still and not move, or look at her while she slapped her hand down on my very upper thigh and just left it there. Weird instances like this happened multiple times before the sexual abuse began.

A lot of it is a bit hazy, but on two separate occasions, she wedged me between her bedside table and her body and tried to put her hand in my below-the-belt region. When I moved her hand away, her face would fall and she would look sad and disappointed. After those two instances, she moved to very sexual and inappropriate comments about my body, like telling me after a biology class (when we learned about the male and female reproductive organs) that the lesson reminded her of me and she thought of me all class. I would also occasionally come into my bedroom to find her in my bed. On a couple of occasions, she followed me up to my room and watched me change/undress in what I can only describe as a very creepy and scary way. Aside from these kinds of comments/instances (which made me very uncomfortable and "icky"), the bad stuff did not start until I was 17.

In the first of these instances, she came into my room and molested me. When I "came back into my body" and realized what she was doing, I rolled away to get her hand out from between my legs. After I moved, she again, looked very disappointed and like I had insulted her by moving away. After this instance, there was definitely some awkwardness between us, which was quite uncomfortable since I drove us to school every morning and we lived in the same house.

Around a week or two later, what I consider the "big" event happened. It is quite hazy still, but I clearly remember waking up after and being in a lot of pain. I will spare the graphic details, but even though I was quite confused and disoriented, I knew even then on some level what happened. I tried to figure out that morning how to drive myself to the hospital afterwards to get a r*pe kit, but I couldn't figure out how since I had to drive her to school and I didn't know if it would work since there would be no semen. I still really struggle with grasping what happened that night and I feel a lot of shame surrounding my experience. I am aware that a lot of people have it a lot worse than me and I wish I did drive to the hospital that morning.

If you've gotten this far, thank you for reading! I struggle the most with what happened because we were the same age, which makes me sometimes think that I was just too naive and I should have known better. It is also tough because, during all 3 years, she always referred to me as her sister, and was always very insistent on calling me that (not her best friend), which adds another level of "weirdness" to the experience. I don't know if my experience is considered incest, but it gives my story a strange kind of incestuous tone.

If anyone has any insight into my story, I would appreciate it. If not, I hope reading has helped someone feel seen or less alone in their experience.

If anyone has any advice/what has helped you in coping, I would be very grateful :)

background: i had a very disturbing dream where i thought it was with a different boy, mild abuse. i had dreams that he was telling me that he reminded me that we put hands on each others genitals and went on top of each other. when this was going on, i was feeling a lot of orgasm feelings that has happened before when i think of sa thoughts. i also noticed that i was touching myself in my sleep, trying to make the feeling go away.

i was raped when i was 5 by a boy who was 7. i was severely disabled and he had severe issues. this dream made me think it happened with the other boy. but after the dream, my therapist and i connected that it probs has to do with the boy when i was 5. whether it’s true or not, i don’t know. but the fact that something like this could’ve happened on top of what already happened terrifies me. my mind plays games on me when i sleep. but this was a whole other ball game that’s been on my mind here and there…like did more happen when i was 5? what more could’ve he possible done to me? it makes me sick to my stomach to think about it…