I'm exhausted this constant feeling of emptiness like there is no hope for my future mind. I don't do anything all day and somehow I'm tired, drained completely of my energy. That feeling of life. Nothing ever feeling right. But still pushing for the ones that I like. I don't feel worthy of anything good in my life I'm truly worthless. I'm a piece that doesn't need to be here. Pretending is getting really tiring I feel like an imposter to myself. I don't even know who I am or why I'm here. I don't know why anybody bothers to try and show me love. I just don't think I deserve it. Therfore I don't think I can learn to accept that feeling.

preface: i write a lot of poetry when i’m half conscious and don’t edit anything whatsoever. just thought i would try to have more confidence in posting publicly

tw // minor graphic imagery

—

our veins have intertwined in a grisly pattern

that is entangled for eternity

as we lay within each others’ embrace.

and in this warmth,

we awaken to mornings

where sunlight is cast upon our raveled limbs.

are we a beautiful portrait of love and unity,

or are we broken blood and bone scattered

like rose petals around the altar?

if we are so blessed to have met one

another, why do we part in the end?

perhaps there was no action more

paramount in our lingering time together.

like the scent of incense that has long since been devoid of smoke,

our hands are still warm and bloody

as our hearts beat sweetly against our fingers.

i think i like this love far too much.

i’m not sure if i could

(ever let go).

Is there anyone who got married to the person who cheated on you and now happily married? I am married almost 3 years, he very caring loving husband and after marriage he never cheated. But the thing bothering me is he cheated on my while we were in a relationship 5years ago, I am trying to forget but I can't stop myself from crying. I read all the chat and saw inappropriate pictures with that girl. Those things still hurting me. I don't know what should I do to forget everything. He is now very career focused and very serious about our future. For the last 3years he tried his best to make me feel special and forgive his past but I couldn't.

rant-question thing

i think i’ve noticed that i like the idea of dating people who are a bit older than me because they seem like they would be able to take a weight off of my shoulders? not that people my age seem like a burden, but i think i have a hard time feeling like i’m being supported. one of my love languages is acts of services, and i think that people who are older than me tend to be better with that. i do not want to be babied. i just want to know what it’s like to be with someone who feels like they have just made the world so much lighter and make me forget how my chronic feeling of feeling like i have to always be on high alert? to be fair i’m a fair bit young, so maybe that’s also a problem lmao

I have huge exams coming up soon and I am not able to study with my depression. They require me to study 8-10 hours daily and I can barely study 1 hour. If I fail in exams noone considers my depression and just blames on me.

I don't have any external help or support like therapists or counsellors. And I am a broke student so I can't afford online therapy too.

I have been obsessed with genshin impact lately and it is impacting my mental health and social life but I can't stop myself from playing and I don't know what to do I am losing multiple friends

Hi, before i start, i would like to apologize for my english

I 23male two years ago around april, i broke up with my ex due to a feel in lack of compatibility and other reasons. We had a 2 years long relationship which initially felt really great and we had everything in common, at some point i was the one who started being negligent with the relationship, kinda stopped doing sacrifices, even felt annoyed by her, especially after she kept canceling stuff on the last hundred meters. She did that throughout the relationship, and had a couple of fights over it. Last year i wanted to reconnect with her via text, likely due to a feel of familiarity, guilt and stress i was experiencing during that time due to work. She denied, i got mad, tried to convince her that i wasnt at fault, etc. I guess my mental health at that time took the better of me, retried again due to the same reasons to the point she blocked me on fb messenger, our main way of texting. In the last 3 months after a dreams about her, i started looking back on my actions and realized everything i did wrong and feel a need to apologize even if it means no reconnecting. Should i do it or try to swallow these emotions and live on with my life.

Once again sorry for my english.

Hey guys.

I've had OCD since I was a kid. I've been depressed, spending most of the time in my room for a long time.

I've had a couple opportunities to ask girls out but I'm almost always broke. There is another aspect about that which is my insecurities and low self-esteem. Even when I had the chance to go on dates I didn't. My insecurity prevents me from doing so. I think since I'm so depressed and my life is a mess, I kinda avoid bonding romantically/sexually.

It's been really hard. My friends date, have girlfriends, wife's, and I'm always the alone guy. Most times when I go out with them I have to force myself to go, because honestly I haven't been in the mood. They're great friends though.

My limerent objects are women that clearly don't like me, some of them I've seen one time in my life. I see their Insta and fantasize about interacting with them.

A part of me is also really resentful towards some women. I know that I'm wrong, but it's just the way I feel. Like "that LO always goes to the tall tattooed guys. Little whore. Only likes scumbags". I know that I'm wrong, my rational knows it, but sometimes I do get these feelings. I just wanna make it clear that I have absolutely no bad intentions towards any women, it's just my insecurities speaking. It's almost a red pill/incel mentality.

There is a combo stacked against me. My OCD, limerence, depression, anxiety, all of these things makes me really sad. Luckily I don't do drugs (except for one or two beers once in a while and unfortunately, nicotine.

I know I can get better, I just can't right now. I'm on Luvox (150 mg) but I haven't been able to speak to a psychologist in over a year.

I'm a musician and what really helps me is playing musical instruments and studying music. I also love watching movies and tv shows.

To all of you struggling, I wish you all the best! We've got this.Thank you for reading.

lost my speech when I was 4.5 years old for few months, startey have tics like shaking stuffs in his hands, walking around in circles, overthinking, overlap of ideas, talking with myself while thinking, and suffer back then from cognitive decline, as well as some decline in vision. I was given multiple diagnosis, including autism and ADHD. Currently I am 31 years old. I still have most of these issues.and I also have major issues with understanding people emotions. And human nature.

I have been practicing mindfulness/ breathing exercises for the past few months to manage my extreme sadness and it works wonders for me. However, i would like to mention that pharmaceuticals, therapy, or medication do work, but lets not talk about that right now. Instead, Lets talk about the impact of time on one's mental health. My question is, is it possible for a mental health issue to fade away without medication? I don't want to assume anything, but then again, I want to learn more.

I (22m) am suffering. I haven't had the energy to keep going for quite a long while now. The amount of shame I feel for merely existing hurts my chest in a way no panic attack has. For the past few weeks I find myself crying so hard in bed that my heart will palpitate and heat up until it freezes and i cant breathe. When I fall asleep I only get a few hours of shut eye until I wake up from a stressful nightmare with even worse chest pains. I can feel my heart try to escape my rib cage.

I have nightmares every single night now. I never actually had nightmares in the past when I was a teenager or kid. First nightmare started when I was 18 when I moved out.

I have 0 energy all the time. Waking up is genuinely the worst part of everyday. Physically the most demanding part of the day. Haven't been able to keep a job because of this mess. It's ruining my life.

I cannot keep living this way I need a fix please. Anything. Any advice. Please

Hello, I (15f) often get super stressed about and almost obsessed with specific mental illnesses and become convinved that I have them? Usually OCD and DID but sometimes others. I know some of this is caused by just the algorithm pushing that content towards me but idk. I just can’t find anything online about hypochondria specifically for mental illnesses and disorders and I was wondering if this is like. actually a thing?? I’m autistic, and i’ve struggled with depression, sucidal thoughts and severe anxiety in the past. I see a psychologist currently and I just don’t know how to bring it up to her? I’ve been seeing her for over a year now and never mentioned it which is stressing me out because idk is it wrong to not tell ur therapist stuff 😭😭 I’m just so lost

If so, what made you finally decide to seek medical intervention and what exactly happens when you check her checked in?

I’m going to start off by saying that I don’t have any diagnosis of any mental illnesses. I have my suspicions of course but it’s really hard to decipher what it is that I may potentially have. Anyway, every single task (big and small) seems hard/ tiring to me (just thinking abt those certain tasks makes me tired). For example, im 17 still in high school and every assignment I get, I dread doing. As soon as I see the assignment i instantly get tired, no matter how easy they seem. Recently I have found myself slipping when it comes to school assignments and I find myself procrastinating them, even if I know how important they are. Another thing that has been hard for me is practicing regular hygiene. I do pretty good at brushing my teeth in the morning (I get too tired to brush them at night tho). I suck at showering daily, i don’t think their was ever a point in my life were I took a shower everyday. Sometimes I go multiple days without showering and no matter how hard I try to shower every 2 days I always end up slipping. Something as simple as showering is very hard for me and idk why. I try to remind my self how important it is to have good hygiene and how I should shower after school but most of the time I delay showering until nighttime and by then I’m way too tired to take one. This is like a routine every day, I get home from school ,and on the days where I don’t work, I try to remind myself about how I should shower but instead I go on my phone for way to long and by the end I end up being too tired to do anything and end up falling asleep (without doing important task, school assignments, etc). Before I fall asleep I set up a plan to get up extra early to shower but that never end up happening. Another ask that is really hard is folding my laundry and putting it up. I don’t have a set day to wash my clothes so when my laundry basket is too full and some clothes end up on the floor, I decide to wash it and once it’s done and dried I set it on my bed and don’t do it. My laundry sits there for days and sometimes up to 2 weeks and I just can’t get myself to put it up. No matter how much I tell myself to just do it and get it over with, I still end up being too tired to do it. I can feel myself slipping and it’s becoming so much harder to do anything. Everything is too much work for me and it often causes problems. my grades are slipping, and my hygiene is too and now I'm at a point where i don't know what to do and i don't know what the cause for my situation is.

i always do this to myself for some reason and i have no idea why. i was invited to a handful of parties tonight and i just decided not to go. i feel like shit about it. i get invited out plenty often, but for some reason i nearly always just end up saying i can't make it and stay home then end up feeling super lonely. i don't think i'm that introverted, it's moreso that i just have such a fucking hard time getting myself to actually leave the apartment. it isn't anxiety either as i don't feel scared beforehand, and when i end up going(at least in small groups, i legit almost NEVER go to parties that i get invited to) i do just fine socially. i have no problem being funny and people like me. there's just this massive part of me that goes "nah" and that's that, then i stay home and feel like a total loser. i can't be the only one who's self-destructive in this manner??? i don't get it.

So this is just me. I've worked my ass off on my Halloween costume...it's how I deal with thing or check out whichever I need to do. So I spent two years and way too much time and money on this year's. My friend and I are doing our thing 11/1 because 31st is on Thursday and our work schedules. We'll I had to do running today so I decided to use it as a test of my costume(what works what needs tweeked(I didn't thinkni lost any weight but I did have to take a bit off my belt go me)) anyway it was very warm to me and parts did make me a little sweaty so I decided to walk the dress let it hang all loose and flowy over night. I just got it out of the dryer. Giant navy blue spluge that wasn't there before and every where my sweat had touched is now bright pink. It started as a light navy blue dye that faded to a weird navy/lilac color (I liked it). So now I have it on heavy duty presoak cycle and I'm going to hang it to dry and hope that the color evens out. I think this is for my own state of mind cuz I don't know whether to be passed at myself the universe or call myself an idiot for not wearing it about and washing it before. I've been slice and dice free for 4 years now and this last month has really tested that. Sorry and thanks to anybody who reads my venting.

I just moved halfway across the country from my family after living halfway across the world with my friends. I’m in a place where I don’t know anyone. At all.

I was super excited for Halloween, because it would mean I could maybe meet neighbors or just say hey. I’m a very gift giving person. I love helping other people and always put other people before myself. It’s just who I am.

I had gotten candy and was super excited to have people knock on my door and say trick or treat, like I was so excited. It’s the end of the night and nobody came by. So I’ve just stayed home again in my room doing nothing. Just playing video games.

Didn’t get invited to any Halloween parties…not going out on my own…I don’t know anyone and was looking forward to having some human interaction. It sucks being all alone.

I have completely lost myself due a series of traumatic events on top of my neurodivergence. I have no nutrition or health, no money, no hygiene, and no brain even; I feel like a litteral zombie but I can’t but watch my body decompose while doing drugs to cop

hi i previously posted this in the family community but i realised maybe its better in this community? im not sure if i have depression

im 16, my bros 14 my parents are so strict towards me but not to my bro, but ive always been an obedient kid.

myrelationship with my parents soured, and i drifted away from them. this broke my heart, because i believe im a family person, i really cherish my loved ones, and i have tried to mend my relationship with them, to be understanding and listen to them, but they just kept giving me more reasons to hate them.

imvery convinced my parents are biased to my younger brother. ive tried being as respectful and obedient as possible, but my parents just don't reciprocate, so i start treating thrm how they treat me, is that so wrong? and yet my dad says i have a problem and that im so disrespectful.

anyway now i have a horrible relationship with my parents. my dad got extremely mad and started yelling at me and said things like "you better grow up faster i dont want to see you in this house anymore" "youre forever going to be in a downward spiral" "youre so disrespectful/arrogant" "you dont like your room? i can always give it to someone else" "go be someone elses daughter".i get immensely sad when he says stuff like this and i start crying bc obv i would be hurt, and he'll br like "stop acting so pitiful, no ones falling for it". sometimes i really wonder if im just victimising myself? i feel likr nothing will ever improve bc everytime my dad gets angry he will shout and shout and not let me explain myself. ive always had to apologise to them, but never once have they apologised to me. im not sure if this is narcissim, but i think i deserve an apology? i just want to talk it out with them, but ik ill never get a chance to. every time i try to speak up and explaib my dad will just interrupt, make me feel scared to tell the truth. he could always take away my phone, whoch is my only connection to my frienfs and my escape. i really hate that my relationshup with my parents has become like this bc i srsly care about them, but now i wonder if i should still care anymore. i really feel so done and im so tired of all this. everyday i wake up and i wonder why im still alive, i really feel so tired. ive considered running away from home but i know its really unrealistic. ive seriously considered suicide but i just cant imagine the pain. i still want to live, i still want to live a good life, have a good relationship with my parents. i just want a sincere apology from them and a fresh start.

and everyday i see my parents so happy with my brother and i think its because they always give hime wtv he wants, so hes happy and he acts nice to them. i feel like my parents used me to learn how to be parents and when they realised what they did was wrong bc i became rebellious, they became super chill to my brother so he wouldnt become like me. ofc he wouldnt become like me, he didnt grow up with so many restrictions. my parents keep threatening to take away my phone bc im "always on it" and i "learnt bad stuff" according to them, but my phone is the only thing keeping me happy nowadays since i can still talk to my friends. i feel so sad all the time and i just want my life to go back to how it was a year ago. i just want to die peacefully in my sleep without pain.

ive cried so many times just typing this post. if anyone has read so far, pls give me some advice, i cant do this anymore

Hi reddit,

I'm looking for help. I'm struggling alot in college, like i have a hard time getting up to go to class and be motivated to get my school work done/study. I take Zoloft and it helps alot with my ability to interact with people and feeling less anxious. But its not helping with being motivated and trying to be successful in college. I spend alot of time sleeping in and being on my phone mindlessly scrolling through tiktok. Is there any advice people could have for me? I want to live a better life. Should I look into a different type of meds for my depression/anxiety? Thank you!

I think I just read someone's suicide note posted here on another sub. I reached out to the person but there's been no response yet and I realize how ill-equipped I am to help in such situations. I'm looking for advice on what to do, if there's anything at all I can do. I'm new to Reddit and still figuring out my way around.

I'm honestly really tired and I doubt I'll be able to keep up with this. It's been a long ride, from 11 until now 17, poor mental health had been what I've always struggled with. I masked it pretty well during my younger years but not so much now as I feel like it's starting to eat away at me as much as i hate that happening.

Through out my early teen years, my experience at school has been awful ever since I moved here to the UK from Spain. I have never been bullied the way I was here. I have never felt more rejected, but of course, I put up with it, let people walk over me, caused a "friendship fall out" (these friends where horrible but I had an anxious attachment to them regardless) and ended up being alone for the remainder of the 2 years I had left in secondary school. Wasn't fun but I did get to learn a lot about myself and other people (from a distance).

I feel like the long periods (ongoing) of isolation is doing something to me and to put it short, it's pushing me towards where I don't wanna be. I wish I could say I had people supporting me but I don't. No friends since I started college, no relatives to help, my dad doesn't understand mental health or any sensitive topic of sort and my mom is a whole different story.

She's a qualified nurse now and very little by little I've tried talking to her (since she almost forces me to). But everytime we talk, it's always about how she was able to achieve the things she did and I should be able to do so to. That I should be more "confident" and smile so that I don't seem so off putting to people with my gloomy expression. She gets mad when I make things difficult to understand. Thats not my intention but shes made it difficult for me to express myself so I blame her.

Anytime I've suggested to go for therapy or counselling, she ignores it and says "oh, so you'd rather open up your a stranger than talk to your own mother?" And more along those lines. She's also told me about how fucked up the healthcare system is (at least here in England??) According to her and what's she's experienced working with children. She said that she doesn't want "them" to use me as experiment, pumping drugs into em and keeping me in a mental hospital. One thing that broke me today in particular was that she told me to say some affirmations, first one being "I'm not depressed". I just could bring myself to say that cause why else would I be feeling this way??. Like okay, I guess saying that me feeling "sad" is the evil spirits working on me is one thing, but asking me to say this "affirmation" really put me off talking to her.

The few times I get to express myself always have to be the most difficult when all she does is talk about empowerment! And being successful! And "fuck everyone"! It's so draining. She's always deviating from the actual problem. I can understand but at the same time, I thought she'd know what would be best for me in this moment. Clearly, I feel she only worries about the impact my decision will make on her.

I hate everything. I tried. I'm always willing to listen for advice online but it just doesn't come easy when you're living under your parents.I've been speculating that I won't live past 20,so like after college I'll basically kms because after school, it's life you've gotta deal with. I'm not ready for my parents nagging to go from "why didn't you get grade 9s?" To "why haven't you got a job yet? What happened to wanting to become a _____?"

22F, I used to work, I recently quit to focus on my masters and shift my field. Ever since, I had to rely on my parents for my expenses. I made a major mistake with my savings, With my salary, I invested quite a bit, sent a chunk of liquid savings to my father and used the rest of the paycheck for my expenses. So right now, I do not have liquid savings, and pulling out of my investments seems like a bad idea.

my parents are comfortable, we are not struggling (touchwood) but i had to spend quite a bit for admissions, like applications, writing entrance exams etc. I needed to ask my father for help with all of that. Everytime I use his card to buy anything, my get a bad anxiety attack, leading to me puke.

i dont spend any money for my happiness, ordering out feels like a sin so i eat whatever is at home on most days, I have not purchased any non fundamental or acted on my materialistic needs (buying new clothes or makeup) I am vv frugal and I behave like how I was in college.

I miss the comfort and freedom of living out of my paycheck. I also had to move cities and I live away from my friends, adding to my misery.

I end up not sleeping properly thinking about how much of a burden I am, and I have lost appetite. I feel extremely suicidal and unworthy. Noone necessarily makes me feel this way, its just having to watch my oarents head to work everyday while I sit at home and do nothing to contribute kills me from inside.

I am looking for jobs and hopefully I land one but in the long run how do I fix this? When I do masters, I will be reliant on them mostly.

I live in Estonia. Our nextdoor neighbour is Russia. We have been attacked and occupied by them in the past. We are also under constant hybrid-war attacks. When Russia attacked Ukraine it became very clear in our region that rus hasn't changed and that Estonia or any other small bordering country can be attacked.

At the start of the war it drove me insane. I was so stressed the heck out that my doctor had to double one of the meds, so I could function. Like literally I could not function. I had to constantly check news on my phone or computer at school or at work or at home or when I was running. The short version: my ADHD and mental health became unbearable.

At one point I made a excel sheet that listed all the news I found and started categorizing them and sorting them to feel some sense of control. In a way it worked. One of my co-workers invited me to join a national womens defence organization (Women's voluntary defence organization). At first I was like hell no, I don't need more obligations that I have to control and double-triple check and I already have too many responsibilities. To my surprise, after about a week it helped me get ADHD under check, kinda, sorta. It did. It's not perfect. But it's something and to this day, I'm functioning :)

This is offtopic I think but maybe it's not because I did it to mellow down and get some control back, so today I made a post that kinda talked about what we did at the womans defence organization (the Estonian name of the organization is much cooler, it's Naiskodukaitse that translates to the same meaning but it's shorter and feels more in control).

How do you manage?

I made a post going over everything but it was over the character limit and got removed. As a quick timeline

Bullied and picked on a lot physichally and mentally growing up

Parents split up when I'm 15 and I'm so stressed I develop a grey streak in my hair overnight due to trauma

1st girlfriend left on our 1yr anniversary because she was talking to another dude with a better body and a car

2nd girlfriend once again no bullshit ghosted me the week of our 1 year anniversary and did not show up to the trip I had booked for us so I went alone to Scotland for 3 days

Mum starts going to the hospital more for various conditions

Things don't work out with my 3rd girlfriend and that ended in pure confusion, she was just gone.

Mum gets worse And worse And worse

Dad talks to me less And less and less

I spent 9 months solid of 2022 entirely alone, I mean entirely. My dad visited me for 1 hour, other than that it's just me talking to myself calling myself names wondering if my mum is alive or dead as I've no way of knowing while she's in the hospital,(did many drugs in this time to try to cope with everything)

Mum beats cancer but still has a shrinking pancreas, swollen spleen, kidney failure, liver failure, fluid in the lungs/stomach, low white blood cell count etc etc etc. Basically she's doomed to die of something eventually and I have to be constantly prepared for that

My dog who I've had since I was 9 is also getting old and is on the way out

I've grown distant from my friends

I don't have siblings

I feel so alone all of the time and I can't talk to anyone about how I feel. It's just watching my mum in pain all day every day and smoking weed all night to try not to think about the events of the day, I haven't had a hug in 5 yrs. That was my last relationship. All this to say God damn I want to die. There is no comfort. It doesn't end. I feel so insufficient and helpless. And even writing this now does nothing. No one can help or will help. It's all down to me, forever.

If a tree falls and no one hears it does it make a noise?

If a man screams and everyone hears him it doesn't matter if they can or not. He's just a bloke.

okay so story time, i am 20 and have always felt out of place anywhere i go and with whoever i hangout with. in school (all years) i hung out with different groups to see when i fit in but i never really found it. No matter what i did to fit in it just never worked. after covid i got better at school and when we were able to go back in person i kind of distanced myself from everyone to focus on school. Even when i hung out with my (then) friends at lunch i still felt out place. My parents never really understood the need for socializing(my mother was busy raising her cousins when she was a teen) but she says she still had time for friends and stuff sort of. for me when ever i wanted to hang out or go do something i have to give a list of criteria before hand(who what when where why and how) and even sometimes STILL got told no. also my mother think im a no good person when im usually quite nice and kind to everyone even when im slightly tussled with them. to the point when i hung out with a “friend”after a year my mother said “why are they talking to you? why do they wanna hang out with you?” like wow that made me feel terrible and question just about everything EVEN MORE. anyway i have no car bc when everyone else was getting their license my mother said I wants mature enough(I get told I act quite older than I am) so still no car bc they won’t teach me and im not okay with depending a lot of money in classes as i only make abt 1800$/month and pay 800$ rent to barely be at my mothers and abt 400$? on food bc im never there and i can’t use her kitchen to make food before hand and stuff. so now i work and get off work and then sit in the break room if my old job bc i’ve explained to them how i basically can’t have my phone at my mothers bc “im not doing anything on it” when she does nothing but house stuff and listen to celebs talk abt random stuff. i make music and draw (tattoo design and graphic design)and stuff and am in fact “doing” something non my phone at least slightly better than brain rotting ok . but yeah i have no friends bc despite my best efforts no college wanted me so all my “friends” are doing their own thing and i feel left behind. Im really into fashion and stuff so i really care abt how I look (also anxiety and whatnot) so seeing everyone have their own style and mentally having mine but not having anything that makes me me(parents control money and hate when i buy anything)(i spend abt 15$/day on food bc im never there) alas, how on earth do i break this cycle? im looking for better jobs but nowhere hires for enough money here (1bd+1br is abt 2200$) i forgot to mention earlier that even just the place i live in doesn’t make me happy everyone here love the sunshine and mountains and stuff and i love colder weather and rain. Ultimately i just feel really unlucky about all and it troubles me so. Any tips are appreciated and welcome. :/

This is my first post on this subreddit, so sorry if it’s a bit off-style.

I’m 20 years old, dealing with depression and possibly some trauma from my past. I work as a developer, so I have limited social interaction. Recently, I've been feeling more lonely, and deep down, I long for close connections and someone to care for, which has become painful for me.

I’m quite shy and often appear unapproachable, especially in social settings. But once I ‘warm up,’ I can become chatty, though I struggle to initiate conversations. People who know me describe me as kind, helpful, and sweet, so I don’t think I’m terrible company. I’m more of a listener than a talker.

Right now, I have no real-life friends and only one online friend who checks in occasionally. I live with my father's family, but I don’t feel close to them either. At home, I mostly stay in my room and only talk to them when necessary. Trust has been hard for me, as I’ve had it broken in the past.

In school, I had some ‘friends,’ but after graduation, those connections faded. Looking back, I feel they only stayed around because of what I could offer. My mother rarely let me visit friends or have them over, and she often controlled my friendships, leading to resentment. Eventually, I withdrew and only gave her superficial answers. Ironically, I learn best through conversation, so going quiet wasn’t easy.

Online, I have a few connections, but most people reach out only when they need something. One friend I used to game with rarely messages me now, except to ask for favors, which feels like my worth is tied to being ‘useful.’

Am I really such bad company? I know I’m introverted and often enjoy solitude, but I love one-on-one conversations when I have the energy – they help with the loneliness. I feel a bit lost even with online friends; when I meet them in real life, I struggle with what to say or do to keep things going.

This might sound odd, but I also feel a strong urge to be ‘useful’ to someone, almost like a ‘servant,’ but not in a sexual way (I’ve never been in a relationship). In the past, I found comfort in helping people in online games, like Minecraft. I just wanted to support them and be valuable in some way. It helped with my loneliness, but I know it’s not healthy, so I try to suppress it.

I do some sports like archery, but I often feel down while doing it. The social interactions help a bit, but overall, it leaves me feeling even worse and questioning if I should continue.

Any advice on how to connect with people or start feeling less alone would be really appreciated.

I’m insane. I text my boyfriend constantly in whatever the hell kind of state I’m in. I’m not even really sure what’s happening in those moments. I don’t even realize it until after and just am filled with utter regret once I come back to semi reality. I just panic and fuck everything up. I think I’m actually having a mental break. Like I finally was shown how I really am, the mask I wear is a piece of shit and I hate her. Won’t let anyone in, has to be right about everything, never listens and always takes offence to everything. Constantly triggered by nothing. It’s like this awful wall I’ve created to not trust anyone, and it doesn’t go away ..not until recently. My boyfriend, the first person I trust with my entire life, he showed me who I was, and it’s not the person I want to be. It’s not the person I am. I hurt him, so much, but because I don’t listen and take everything as an attack instead of hearing him out, I fucked it all up. He hates me, he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. I beg him to stay because he’s genuinely the only human being who will ever get through to me. I need him. He was the only person willing to help me through all of it and I shut him down entirely and made him feel worthless essentially. So now, now he doesn’t want help me anymore because he doesn’t give a fuck about me now. I keep fucking everything up. I should’ve listened because I’m spiralling and need him more than ever now. I’m having suicidal thoughts and I know if he leaves me, it’ll only get worse because I don’t have anyone else, no one like him. My parents aren’t there for me, I’m basically a recluse. I don’t really talk to anyone. He hates me, but he’s my best friend. I adore him and love him and it took me too long to be vulnerable and give in and trust, that he doesn’t want me anymore. And I just keep fucking it up more, because somehow, someway, I always end up like this on his most stressful days. He says it’s because I don’t give a fuck about him, but I do, a lot. I just get into these zones where it’s like I can’t stop myself. It doesn’t even feel like it’s me anymore. It just feels like I’m gone and it’s just sheer panic over I don’t even know. Like I really don’t. I feel crazy. And lately I’ve been trying really hard to overcome it and just breathe, but the depression is getting worse and I feel like I’m going to lose him entirely now. I feel like I already have lost him. He keeps leaving me and I keep telling him to stay and he does, but he feels like an idiot and now I’m afraid tonight was the last straw. He’s going to come home and actually leave me for good. Somebody, please help me. I don’t know how to come back from this.

I (M30) strongly feel that social media and dating @pps has ruined dating and relationship altogether. I met people who started dating before the rise of social media and dating apps, and from what I hear, it was much easier.

I feel it’s easy to distracted on social media with pseudo relationship advice or motivational advice. We are always comparing ourselves with people better than us and even the people we date.

Dating @pps makes it feel like we are shopping for people on amazon. We are less interested just having a chat and talking to people and more interested in just swiping to meet someone and if we don’t like something very small, we find it reason to cut them off.

I mean don’t get me wrong, we should definitely look out for red flags, but I feel like sometimes people are looking at the wrong things as red flags. Like does it really matter if someone doesn’t want to order extra $3 for cheese or a bit socially awkward?

I mean not to mention how may times people get duped by men who are married or in a relationship. Not to mention people are just emotionally available all the time.

I don’t know, maybe I am just venting because I am not the top one percent of men who gets all the swipes.

All throughout my teens years up until now (I just turned 21) I have regularly experienced weeks to months of extreme self-confidence, happiness, and motivation, and extroverted behavior. During these “highs”, I am constantly doing some sort of self care and almost have sort of superiority complex. I look forward to these spurts of motivation because I constantly stay busy and feel amazing. However, these periods of extreme positive emotion are often followed by a few weeks up to a couple months of extreme sadness, impulsivity, and feelings of anxiety/stress. During these low points, I constantly feel beat down and my self-esteem plummets. I become hypercritical about my capabilities, intelligence, and especially my physical appearance. Each time I fall into one of these lows, the quicker suicidal ideations pop into my head. While idk if I’d ever do it, my brain plays out the scenarios I have planned over the years. To the point that I casually catch myself fantasizing about it at night. Along with these thoughts, comes the horrible dreams I experience. I have a lot of dreams where my teeth fall out or they are loose so I pull them out myself and there have been many dreams of my family members dying, being killed, or trying to kill me. Not to mention, the impulsivity that I experience has caused me to drink alone until I’ve blacked out on several occasions, the first time was when I was 16. I have gone so long without making any friends that I feel like I don’t have the skills to make any anymore which in turn leaves me feeling isolated. I really have no outlets that allow me to be happy and these low points often spark conflict in my relationship. Because my emotions constantly and quickly turn back around, I never know if these thoughts are just me being dramatic and attention seeking or if it is kind of something everyone experiences from time to time. I have a very privileged life and I shouldn’t have feelings like this. I guess this post is really just a rant because I feel like I don’t have anyone I can really tell this stuff to.