This might be a suicide note, but I’m not sure.

I think I really fucked up and I can’t fix anything. I’ve wasted so much time and I hate everything about myself. Every little fucking thing I hate. Everything I hate it hate hate hate. I am always in so much emotional pain, I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I am quite literally useless. I can’t do this I seriously cannot. How do people even do this?

I am a full time university student who enjoys writing and reading. I am not anything special to look at, and I haven’t done much that I am proud of. I think I have a few mental health issues, I used to be a really good student, and I think that overall, I am a decent person. I am also quite broke, and I have a few nice friends, but not the kind that you can share things with in complete ease.

I don’t think I’ve ever been first for anything in my life; I don’t think I’ve ever been loved more than I have loved someone else and I am so tired. I feel so gross and that there is no possibility that I will ever be put first; I am nobody’s friend, nobody’s person, nobody’s anything. I feel like I am rotting from the inside and living is so hard and painful. I haven’t even been hugged in so long. I don’t want to be bothered because I don’t know what to believe anymore; everyone loves conditionally when I always love unconditionally and it hurts so bad.

To sum a few things up, I don’t believe that a lot of people feel love for someone else; at least the kind that is unconditional. And if it does exist, I think it’s rare. I have thus far aways loved people unconditionally. They could turn into a three headed snake overnight and I would love them, etc. But in my life, and amongst my people, I am undoubtedly the only one. There is not a single person in my life who cares about me as much as I care about them. I am always singled out. People always seem to have one person that they can always turn to: whether brothers, parent/child, best friends, lovers. I don’t believe this kind of love is necessarily unconditional though, so I’m not envious of it. But even so, I don’t think I would ever know; I’ve never been loved equally or more.

If you are at all familiar with BPD, (borderline personality disorder) you will probably be familiar with what an FP is, (favourite person) and what an FP means to someone who is borderline. Well, though I am not BPD, the closest thing I can compare my feelings towards the people who have been substantial to me, is like having a FP. I have had 3 FP in my life thus far, and it was always to the point where I would literally die for them because of how strong my love for them was. Only issue was, my feelings (I don’t think) have never been reciprocated. I have never been loved like I love.

I have recently come to the realization that I am utterly and completely alone in a world that I am already struggling in, and that none of it will get better. I am so tired of loving people and I am so tired of being so insufferable. I live for something I will never get: a love that will match mine. This is driving me to the brink of insanity. My grades have become terrible, my mental health is declining rapidly, I’ve lost so much weight, I think I even hallucinate occasionally, (I was supposed to be getting evaluated for that) I am always asleep and I can’t even show up to work or school.

This is so pathetic and I really want to die but without anyone even knowing. I don’t even want anyone to regard my death. I think all the happiness I’ve ever felt was based on “validation” that was false! I don’t think anyone’s ever told me the truth before about how they really feel about me. Everyone who’s ever claimed to love me was lying, or regards me in a WAYYY lesser light than I have ever regarded them. Is this even possible? I am so fucked. I don’t believe anyone, I don’t trust anyone, I hate how my life turned out.

I also cannot find a reason to be loved, which further makes things worse. I have a lot of scars, (both surgical and other) I am not special or talented, and I’m sad most of the time.

I’ll never be seen by anyone and I can’t even explain what “seen” means. I did this to myself I think, and I may have even made it worse by completely isolating for the past year or so. I’ve never given myself (aside from my FP) a chance to even know people either; that’s all because of insecurities though, and it always comes back to that. I am so lost—I don’t think I’ll ever live a normal life. And I think I’ll regret that too. I haven’t been happy ever. I actually don’t want to be happy again because that allows for a possibility that I’ll be even sadder again/that everything has potential to be taken away from me.

I don’t want to be happy again, I don’t ever want to feel secure, even though I am craving that, and even though it might save me. I don’t want to be happy again. I don’t want more fake reasons to keep living. And all that stuff about “living for myself” and “being my own person,” yes, that would be really nice (albeit a little sad¿ maybe) but I will never get there anyway cause even that is too hard for me.

I have always loved/centered my life around the people I love (my FP, specifically.) And every single time, I am told I mean a lot to them, and every single time, it’s like it’s taken back again after they find someone new. It feels a lot like a sick sense of emotional abandonment. Of course, I know that people don’t owe me love/commitment of any kind. All I’m saying is that I am sick by how hurt I am because of it. I don’t want to be this way—I am so disgusted with myself. I should not feel this way. But I can’t help it, and I doubt that I’ll ever change. I cannot keep living like this though, so I want to end it.

This is going to be so hard and messy to clean up, so I’d rather just honour myself by allowing myself to die as the mess that I am.

Thank you to everyone who has read this.

I feel like I was born with the wrong things. I am guilty and only death can punish me.

My mother was adopted and she was forced into marriage to give birth to me. My father abandoned us after that. I don't even know his name and his face.I haven't seen him. I don't have any immediate family members in this world except my mother.

I was so naive at first, why did I say that? Because I am even asking for the love of my only immediate family member. She vented all her dissatisfaction with him and life on me. When she was unhappy, she would hit and scold me,grandpa didn't like me either and often beat and scolded me,but only grandma is very friendly to me most of the time.

I'm such an idiot. I hurt my mother so deeply but I still want her love.It was so difficult for her to give birth to and raise me, but I am still so ungrateful.I'm just a burden to her, she can live better without me.It was me who dragged her down.

When I was bullied at school, I didn’t dare to tell my family. My family would only make me reflect on my own problems. I was so envious when I saw other students having their parents supporting them.

I don't dare to be assertive in interpersonal relationships. I feel like I'm so cheap and I'm born to be inferior. They will only play with me if I get good result them.

I don't dare to vent when I'm angry, I can only hold it in. I cut myself when I couldn't hold it in anymore. I felt much better.

Why don't I die? No one else will care about me if I live.

In my heart, I even wished that someone could heal me. I do not deserve it.I'm sorry to everyone, including you who read this post. Why do I post it here to spread negative energy to you?

About a year ago i was studying to get my drivers licence. I'm not a bright person so I studied hard. But I still had school so most of my days were just studying. After I failed the first time I started to feel such a huge pressure to not fail. I became so stressed with the idea to not fail, so I failed again

(I wanna add that during this time I did not know I had OCD which caused me to feel more stress than the average person, I just thought this was normal)

School was hard and this exam was hard and I started seeing this and started having delusion. I had a psychotic episode due to stress caused by OCD. I got my diagnosis and some meds that helped a little. I was severely depressed and thought my life wasn't worth living couse I'm a failure.

Back to now, I'm better now and I'm studying for the driving exam again. Every time I try to study I feel the same way I did back then. I need to get this licence couse I got a job waiting for me during the summer break and I need to get the licence to get to my new school. My life revolves around me needing to not fail, couse if I do I cannot get an education. I am scared of having a psychotic episode again couse I know that I will kill myself if I do. I would rather die than to experience that again.

I'm trying to study but the stress brings back memories and flashbacks of me crying for my life couse I thought someone was going to kill me. I cannot do it, but I need to. My parents know about the issue but it's not like they can actually know how it feels. I am so alone in this and everyone judges me for not having my licence yet. Every day I hear "when are you getting your licnece, yk u have to do it".

Like it's fucking easy. If I fail my education and future jobs is on the line. I don't want to kill myself but if I fail what other option do I have? Live as a failure and never have a good job?

So, I (f 24) used to suspect that I had some sort of mood disorder as soon as i had hit my teenage years. I would get and still get irritated easily, feeling rejected easily, impulsivity and recklessness especially during my late teens. I wonder because I am someone who notices that i have a smaller amount of patience then some of my family members is there something wrong with me? I used to suffer from anxiety and recieved therapy for it but now i just act so hot and cold one minute fine the next minute behaving impulsively. I used to get a feeling of mania when I was in my mid-teens like I would be speaking really fast and my jaw would be chattering and i'd be kind of shivering when there was no external factors to do so. Thinking before speaking and a deep depressive state followed by feeling okay and hanging out with friends and feeling a lot better. idk should i go check what's wrong with me or is this a bit of a non-issue?

Everytime I get upset (especially when a family member gets mad at me) I get this crazy urge that I can physically feel in my heart to hurt myself in any way and to commit suicide… sometimes it’s not even anything major, like my mom could yell at me for a split second and the next second she is completely normal and friendly bur I still wanna rip my hair out and just end it all.

for content I’m diagnosed with bpd, generalized anxiety and depression but please someone tell me how to resist those urges because I have given into them multiple times.

i’m starting therapy back up again because i moved cities and can no longer go to my old one. i’m getting sicker by the minute, and i want to be honest and transparent with my new therapist, but i don’t want to get sent to the psych ward. i think about suicide all the time and i know how i would do it (i know not to admit i have a plan.) i think about hurting or killing myself or other people around me. i constantly think about how appealing being dead sounds, but i only stay because my family would be sad, i want to go so bad. i don’t know how to explain this to my therapist without risking getting sectioned but i need help. i know myself enough (and through years of therapy) that i’m not going to actually do anything, but i’m afraid the therapist won’t believe me

I am a 17 year old female.

From when I was born I suffered from a disease called perthes disease (Blood supply to the head of the thigh bone is disrupted which causes the bone to deteriorate. This can cause pain, limping and limited movement of the hip joint), it was difficult since I was affected in both hips and with this; I also had a mother who suffered from many mental illnesses but I'll narrow it down.. narcissm.

I have blocked a lot of it out to be honest, I was raped by my mother's boyfriends (she had more than one at a time.) at age 3 and I still remember some of it, this caused me to think it was okay to sexually touch others at age 5 (other kids my age) and I was always put down as a violent, misbehaving child and nobody ever helped me because I was called 'Spoilt.' And or 'Had some behaviour issues.'

I remember being so petrified and uncomfortable with bathrooms that I refused to use them and would often pee myself instead, I was terrified of the shower since my mother sprayed chemicals in my eyes as punishment and then force my eyes open while blasting the shower in my eyes - My dad told me that I used to scream and cry, anything I could, to get away when the shower came on.

She also did little things like call me names and she once ate all the topping off a pizza and laughed in my face when I cried.

She also emotionally neglected me and physically neglected me, as in she left me in soiled nappies for DAYS in the cot until my ass was red raw of rashes and my dad had to bathe me while I screamed in pain.

My mental development has been stumped and decreased and I couldn't continue my gcses and had been suicidal since age 10 and was a violent porn addict since age 9 and lasted till I was 14. I am narcissistic in some ways, emotionally unavailable and have 0 - little empathy.

I was really violent, constantly fighting and hurting people to get my own way,

The violence I had endured growing up from that age really fucked me up, being kicked, hit and burnt for being, "Annoying." Or doing something that was 'Naughty' instead of being taught it was wrong normally.

My dad took full custody of me when I was 4.

My step-mum is a step up but it almost feels like she hates me because I'm not her daughter, and I admit, I've taken out a lot of anger deep down on her but she had also neglected me emotionally, to the point I had tried to end my life 4 times in the span of 3 years.

I feel like nobody will ever truly love me as who I am and I constantly put on a face where I'm normal and happy.

• My friends left me because I was "A bitch." and a "Pick me." I brought them stuff all the time and never once tried to put them down for male attention. I may do things I regret and do which is not great but when your own friends tell you that because you moved away it really does hurt you. And they also said that I should kill myself and that they wish my birth mum finished me off.

Now for the consequences of all this and what I suffer with,

Schizophrenia (I see peoples faces warp into the same stretched out face with big eye sockets and little eyes ive been seeing since i was little, or gore in my mind when I'm talking to someone (mostly male) that makes me terrified.)

Ptsd (Can't sleep, panic attacks, poor anger management, flashbacks.)

Depression (Suicide, self hate)

(Doctor prescribed me pills but I didn't take them)

Developed a skin picking disorder (My skin is scabbed up and scared because I peel my skin with my nails when I'm stressed.)

When I get angry I lash out at myself, this can be in forms of ripping hair out, punching myself, biting myself, scratching myself.

Extreme intrusive thoughts. (Killing humans, children, elderly, being raped.)

Having 0 sex drive and not being able to feel any pleasure during sex.

When I'm scared, (Usually if someone touches me during an argument) I will go into a fight or flight response and it usually ends up not great.

Was terrified of my grandad and had visons of him raping me and me enjoying it, I usually threw up afterwards and I got aggressive towards him, aka I was violent.

This is most I can think of right now, this is my story and I want to tell you, what ever you're going through right now, you will be able to overcome it. Don't let it consume you. You are letting them win.

going to try to keep short bc to explain all would be my entire life start until now so I will briefly cover my current situation. to start im 23 ab to be 24 & basically the past few have jus slowly gotten worse due to mental issues I’ve always had & later on getting on drugs. I’m off medicine once again, quit the job I had just got due to that & also I still have not gone to any kind of school or college so I jus don’t know what to do.(I also am living w my parents for free basically & it’s killing me I’ve been debating on jus leaving & being homeless.. /: ) the worst part & please don’t judge for this but after losing the job I have been using one of the more bad drugs very heavily & it’s killing me.. I’ve used it on & off for a while but I could always control it but this last time I lost my job I’ve just been completely giving up in life so I jus don’t care.. & it’s making my mental state obviously worse & has slowly started to affect my teeth not much but a start. so please, I’m not asking for anyone to tell me exactly what I need to do & how to fix my life or to save me I jus need genuine advice or what y’all think I could do to start etc.. & please don’t criticize too much bc trust me anything you can say I already tell myself worse.

(21m) Unfortunately i can't go to therapy because of financial problems since every penny is going to my college expanses.also sorry for my bad English in advance. It's not my first language

I'm facing some problems getting used to the new environment of college even though it's my second year in this uni still stuck with the first years so i put this points related to my life that could be linked to adhd.

So to begin with whenever i study I don't maintain a posture for a long time.usually i put my legs on the chair while studying and then keep one leg on the chair and start changing between left and right. i only do that at home or when studying alone.

Have extreme brain fog while studying maths or physics and maybe start eating my pen or doing stupid activities but I feel completely immersed when studying computer science because i enjoy coding

Always flickering my pen even in exams( got a lot of comments about that)

I drink usually half a litre of a water daily because i forget to drink (i rarely drink coffe or soda which lead me to wonder how is my body still functioning)

Sometimes i forget what i am supposed to do while i am midway going to to that thing

Always start projects but never finishe them (making a website and taking care of it despite it having high traffic/ starting a YouTube channel despite having 2 ou 5 first videos have more than 3k views / reading half a book in one setting than forget it about completly )

I don't how to describe this but i think don't feel saddened for someone else maybe i feel empathetic towards but it just can't trigger sadness if someone lost a precious a member of their family or see someone crying and don't feel saddened i just feel empty even in the death of my grandmother but if something like harsh or injustice towards me i could easily start crying on the spot

And finally despite searching for everything that can help me study in the productivity space i just can't bring myself to study despite my family doing everything for me and my future depands on it but i just keep procrastinating even when i know whole heartedly that i have to bring my self to study still no consistent results

going to try to keep short bc to explain all would be my entire life start until now so I will briefly cover my current situation. to start im 23 ab to be 24 & basically the past few have jus slowly gotten worse due to mental issues I’ve always had & later on getting on drugs. I’m off medicine once again, quit the job I had just got due to that & also I still have not gone to any kind of school or college so I jus don’t know what to do.(I also am living w my parents for free basically & it’s killing me I’ve been debating on jus leaving & being homeless.. /: ) the worst part & please don’t judge for this but after losing the job I have been using one of the more bad drugs very heavily & it’s killing me.. I’ve used it on & off for a while but I could always control it but this last time I lost my job I’ve just been completely giving up in life so I jus don’t care.. & it’s making my mental state obviously worse & has slowly started to affect my teeth not much but a start. so please, I’m not asking for anyone to tell me exactly what I need to do & how to fix my life or to save me I jus need genuine advice or what y’all think I could do to start etc.. & please don’t criticize too much bc trust me anything you can say I already tell myself worse.

I’m depressed all the time and I think about cutting and suicide everyday but somewhere in like the back of my mind there’s a voice telling me that it’s fake I don’t really feel that way dose anyone else feel this way dose this mean my feelings aren’t real

Hey guys,

I need your help, I'm really not feeling mentally well right now.

This morning at 1 o'clock, a video was recommended to me on YouTube where a YouTuber told stories about murderers, etc. I watched/listened to one of their videos and now I think I have trauma or am disturbed. I don't want to go into detail about what they said. But I could hardly sleep, I've been shaking constantly, and I have a constant bad feeling in my stomach, and somehow my emotions are gone. I don't feel anything in the sense that I used to be excited when my mother and father came home from work, but now I feel nothing. Or in the mornings, I used to play with my cat and have fun, I used to kiss her, but now there are just no emotions. Why? I'm afraid it won't change. I've also tried to distract myself by gaming, watching streams, but nothing has been enjoyable since yesterday after 1 o'clock, because I watched that damn video. Can you help me, is this normal?

I feel therapy no longer helps me...

Hello everyone.

Last therapy appointment I had I felt so strange... I always love going to therapy but this time I felt so different I actually didn't wanted to go last minute but I went regardless. The thing is that I feel everything is so repetitive... I go there she asks me the same stuff I tell her the same cause nothing in my life has changed... My day to day life is just being depressed and always imagine worst case scenarios in my brain, my anxiety is always at it's peak, I'm usually getting brain blocks and forgetting everything it's like I'm in autopilot all of the time because I never seem to remember stuff properly. The only diagnost my psychologist has given me is depression and anxiety. She also has told me that I'm getting better but I just feel the same... I know it's not worst than before because I have somehow learned how to manage my emotions but everything it's the same... My daily/weekly/monthly issues are my family, studies and my job. I literally have 0 time for myself is quite hard for me to spare some time for myself without job/studies/sleep getting affected in the process. The issue with my psychologist is that whenever I go to therapy she always asks me about my family, my job, and my studies but not about me... I feel she's not paying me attention. I've been noticing this lately. I commented this to one of my best friends and she answered that it's because those are my problems, like that's what affects and I get it... But those things are helpless like what should I do... Shouldn't the focus be me? Why she only tells me things that I already know? Why does she ask about my family/university/job as if it's some gossip? What does she writes in her notebook that never tells me? The only diagnose I have is the one she gave me 3 years ago and these days she only tells me that i'm better... When actually I'm just so tired and feel the same just less intense... Sometimes I may want to quit but I believe that quitting is for losers. I really hope that some day I get to actually enjoy my life in a healthy, calming way... And I don't wanna die until I feel peace in my heart and mind. Also I don't wanna die without accomplishing my goals that I have in this process. I don't want to make everything I have done in vain. I still wanna life, just not the way I am living right now. I can't do anything to change this, it is what it is. This is so frustrating...

Hey every body, i'm a male and is 22ich years old, i'm currently in college and quite frankly... Not doing so well. I personally have a record with bullies, since in general, i have been bullied almost all the time in school and and other places, but what really had an effect on me was when i was in high school. couple of years ago when i was at high school, i wasn't a coward in all sense, or at least that what i thought any way, on that period i was bullied on levels never acquired before, the bully (and his fellows of course) bullied me in all ways possible, but what had a real effect on me was him saying things about my face and specifically my nose, man those days where hell on earth for sure! Just imagine the worst bullying situation ever, mine was still worst, there were times when he was making fun of my look and hitting me with things and i (the coward son of a #$&@) begging him to stop, every day in school he gather hiw fellow friends and start mocking me in every way possible. That period was a real strange phase of my life, i even got bullied by younger kids, younger than me with 3 years or even more and i simply got paralyzed. All that isn't the problem anymore, the real problem is college, i mean dude can you even imagine the pain i'm going through right now. The main problem is that i became a complete coward that i can't even control it anymore, it is impossible to be normal anymore, i don't even communicate with people anymore (except my family of course). i am guessing you already know something have happened to me in this specific period right. Yep, i got shauted at by a master graduate i believe, not even a doctor or professor! Just infront the whole class and i got paralyzed like a little kid and walked away, from that time (which is about a year ago) and haven't went to classes, i study from home and trying my best to escape any classes that i can, even if it would effect my grades. I'm an engineering student, my overal percent were 83 last semester and now is 80, i believe you understand how i'm doing in my study! The question is as follows: Am i ever going to be ok? Is it possible to not be afraid anymore, i truly want anyone to tell me the truth!

okay so i’ve been on lexapro then prozac for depression and anxiety, then i went to the psych ward for trying to off myself and they put me on lamitcal. the thing is none of them have worked for me and that’s why ive had to switch them. ive upped my dosage with lamitcal and i dont feel a difference. now idek if there’s anything wrong w me and that im just making it all up and i dont rlly need meds. i started to think i had BPD but now im not too sure and i dont want to self diagnosed. i just want to know what’s wrong w me so i can fix it. i’m also in therapy and have been for 4 years. nothing is helping it’s progressively getting worse

I don't know how else to say this, if life was a slot machine I hit the fucking jackpot. As much as it's unfair and blah blah blah, I'm a white, upper middle class, male, going into a university program that I can get out of with zero debt. I didn't have to work hard ever, I had a fantastic fucking childhood, got to travel, meet tons of people the whole deal. I'm socially adept, I don't have any health issues, I get in shape easily, I make friends fast. I'm fairly introverted so COVID wasn't much of a struggle, just played video games with my friends. I have always found school easy and my teachers like me so even if I mess up or do poorly I never have to deal with major consequences. My parents love me unconditionally. I have Canadian and US passports and if needed could most likely get EU citizenship as well. I'm extremely good at a few skills, with again, no effort. There's literally nothing that could be better. Other than an amount of money over 2.5 million (enough to retire). I could go on for hours but you get the point.

I don't want to brag or say that you can't be happy without life handed to you on a silver platter but I need to illustrate how I got life handed to me on a platinum platter with the butler still attached. The question I ask is:
"If my life is so great and I don't enjoy most of my time, why continue?"

Hello, i(22) and my husband (21) were experimenting with THC a year or so ago and i experienced THC psychosis. After this occurred i was diagnosed with PTSD and this was considered a 'near death experience'. I have a lot of trauma from my childhood and this experience correlates with that, I am going to therapy and haven't smoked marijuana or done anything with it since. A few days ago I went to the hospital for some unrelated problems and the doctor gave me some anti-nausea medicine and something else( unfortunately I can't remember what they were for at the time I was panicking and not paying attention) but when the doctor put the medicine into my IV I broke out into a panic attack, instantly triggering my ptsd. I tried to explain that I couldn't feel my lips, I was overwhelmed with the wave of fear, I felt like I was going to pass out, I was dizzy. This experience was similar to what I experienced during my THC-Psychosis episode the major difference would be that I wasn't hallucinating or blacking out. Now that I'm no longer in the hospital and I'm laying in bed at home I can't stop thinking about these experiences and how truly terrifying they are and the impending doom I felt, as well as how incredibly depressed I've been since experiencing this sensation once again. My question would have to be, has anyone who experienced THC-psychosis also experienced a similar situation? If so how have you over come this and handled this? Does the smell of marijuana trigger your anxiety? If so, what do you do to cope with this? TIA!! #mentalhealth #ptsd #THC #marijuana #thcpsychosis

I've been struggling with my mental health most of my life. I'm at a point where there is way too much to type. I struggle to feel anything for the most part so it's hard to recognize symptoms at all. Even as of writing this, I've barely eaten in the past 32 hours due to not recognizing what hunger feels like. (Just made a post over on r/eatingdisorders actually) It doesn't seem like it ever gets better and I'm sick of the toxic positivity response of "it'll get better. Just keep trying" as if I have anything else to do? I'm not suicidal and fear death so I'm stuck suffering instead of getting better. I want to get better and I've tried a ton of different things to better myself at this point. I know it's hard to get a diagnosis so I'm going to avoid talking about symptoms and just talk about what I've tried instead in case someone has some other options. It all feels like coping tbh and I'm not sure it's really addressing what the actual issue is so I'm pretty fed up of just trying "random bs coping methods" that don't help me feel any better. I've tried:

journaling (I lack insight so it feels pointless)

breathing (my anxiety and breathing issues make this very difficult to achieve, and I feel like I'm doing it wrong, but it's not in my immediate control :/)

Mindfulness (I even went to a partial hospitalization program at a point and was monitored while I tried it, it honestly just made me feel more in my head and made me panic more???)

Meditation (similarly to mindfulness, I tend to panic from going into my head. I was thinking guided meditation may help but I can't afford due to being disabled...)

Focusing on my senses (doing the "name 5 things you hear/see/smell etc. hasn't helped in grounding myself. Only makes me feel like I'm distracting myself from the problem and it comes back harder once I stop)

Therapy (on and off therapy for 20 years out of my 27 of being alive. Hasn't helped at all. I haven't gotten any insight nor any help and it feels like the sessions just sorta go in no direction.

Medication/drugs/alcohol (I haven't had any effect from any type of psyche medicine or substances (psychedelics/weed/alcohol) Like I LITTERALLY don't feel/act any different. The last time I felt different from a substance was due to taking risperidone in highschool. (Doctor told me I had autism due to being nonverbal, but my mom controlled every appointment when I was a minor and I didn't really get a chance to talk...) I had bad side affects that were PHYSICAL (weight gain, narcolepsy?) and the doctor wouldn't take me off. I had to literally stop taking it abruptly without weening myself off it. I only stopped without weening because my mom would watch me take it after learning I stopped taking it, and wouldn't let me stop. So I ended up taking it one day then skipping 5, taking it for a week straight then not for a month, etc...

It was hell to say the least. I feel like everything just got worse after I was officially taken off the risperidone and I honestly haven't felt like a human being since then. But I also can't go back on it due to the side effects... and I'm also terrified of psyche meds now so... yay....

I've ended up looking into derealization/depersonalization a lot due to how off this all feels... Why can't I find help... So many others can... What's different about me... It makes me feel like I don't exist due to the lack of help I've received...

My emotions/feelings are just shot. I can pick up on other people's emotions/feelings just fine. I grew up with parents who didnt validate me/love me but I'm not sure if that contributed to it or not. I was diagnosed with PTSD while doing the partial program for it to be taken off my diagnosis list a month later. I'm sick of feeling like a test subject. I wanna know what's wrong so I can adress it... therapy is way too fucking slow. I feel like I have to do this all on my own and don't even know where to look anymore... I have so many mental health resources but it's all so overwhelming... I've taken steps back from it and tried to relax so much but I feel like at this point there is just a complete disconnect from my brain to my body. I feel nothing while typing this all but I know I should be having a panic attack for opening up line this... nothing makes any sense anymore.I'm always in my head and time just passes me by. I look up mental health on Google like a hypochondriac would at this point just to try to learn things to possibly help myself. I refuse to believe I can't find help/a diagnosis. This has been wearing me down to my bones and I'm fed the fuck up. Someone please help me... I don't wanna feel like this forever...

For context I’ve had anxiety all my life, and have suffered from depression since I was a child.

Years ago I got a diagnosis for autism and even the report said GAD as well, but throughout all the years none of the tips and tricks have helped me, and with my current situation I’m spiralling every single day.

I don’t want to get to into, but I’m in severe debt, my roommate is leaving with two weeks notice (goodbye rent money), and will be living paycheque to paycheque having to go to the food bank.

I’ve never been in this bad a scenario before, but usually I’ve been able to calm myself down after a horrible event, expect this is like a never ending nightmare and I’m reaching my breaking point. It’s compounded by the fact I don’t get sleep, as it takes a long time and I wake up multiple times a night with a severe pit in my stomach.

I’m trying breathing techniques as much as possible, but the hardest part for me is those intrusive thoughts, and just how much weight they have. It’s such a powerful effect where even just thinking about what I’m dreading coming up for a second sends a jolt through my body.

I don’t want to die early and I’m tired of it controlling my life, I’ve tried therapy and it made me worse, but over 10 years ago I swore I’d beat it alone and never do medication. What I’m doing isn’t enough and I need some sort of buffer and breather, and have made an appointment with my doctor for anxiety medication.

My question is, should I ask him for SSRIs or SNRIs? I’ve heard there’s some bad ones and some that are safer/more effective, but admittedly don’t know a lot other than not to take benzos.

Any input or suggestions before my appointment in three weeks would be appreciated. I want to not live a life with chronic anxiety/brain fog, and would like to be more calm.

I am a Junior in Highschool and I currently have 3 very low Fs because of missing assignments. Keep in mind these classes are AP level). Some of the classes I chose not to do my work in because I’m exhausted and tired of school and some is because I was out of week for a week and a half because I was at a competition. But I’m still behind 4 weeks later. I told my partner that I was failing and it was because of missing assignments. I told them my teachers would only give 1/2 credit because of how later the assignments are and my partner told me to talk to my teachers and ask for the full credit regardless. I told them that it was my fault that I didn’t manage my time properly and these are my consequences. If that means I failed the semester (which is currently happening) then I will retake the semester next year and I’m okay with that happening. “I dug my grace now I’ll lay in it” kind of statement. They are saying I’m letting myself self destruct because there is a solution for my issues, but I disagree. I do have a history of chronic depression and other disorders and often experience periods of time of low motivation and such. But I thought this was a reasonable thought process. Is this considered self destruction? The only reason I can see this being self destruction is because I’ve been overwhelmed with work and research papers and presentations for my AP exam and ACT. But isn’t it still my fault for not managing my time better? Should I try to get the full credit back once I do the assignments I have 25+ in total for all the classes.

This has been happening since last summer, and I don’t really know how to put into words what I’m experiencing. Usually I’m in class, and I will space out for a second and then suddenly get a burst of anxiety. When I say "burst,” I mean that it feels like I’m being hit by a truck. Other times I gradually get more and more anxious, which isn’t as bad as the burst of anxiety. It feels so intense that it makes me feel lightheaded. I feel cold and hot at the same time, and my hands shake really badly. When I first got it, I didn’t know what was happening, and I was completely frozen in my seat for the entire class, trying not to freak out. I thought I was having a stroke or a seizure. Everything around me felt hazy, and the only thing I could focus on was trying not to make it obvious that I was panicking. It still happens, but sometimes I can calm myself down or I just leave the classroom (I had to do seat time because I skipped so much school and my grades are horrible). I was at an assembly once and it started happening. It was getting really bad and all of the sudden I felt like I couldn’t feel my hands. It scared me so much that I got up and left. It gets especially bad when I know I can’t leave without getting in trouble. I make myself more anxious by thinking about acting insane in front of my class. I was taking a math exam today, and I knew I couldn’t leave if I started freaking out. I kept getting this feeling like I couldn’t swallow, which made me scared that I couldn’t breathe. I got through it, but it was really difficult. The severity has gone down since it first started, but it has been more frequent. I have even been getting them at home when I have to eat dinner with my family (It is way less intense though). I was seeing a therapist in 2023, and I told her about it. She totally blew me off, and we never talked about it. I haven’t scheduled an appointment with her all year because it feels like she doesn’t take me seriously. I also talked to my school counselor, and she recommended an app for panic attacks, but I feel like there is actually something seriously medically wrong with me. I use all the methods for calming down, and nothing stops it. I don’t know who else to go to. I don’t know why this suddenly started happening to me. I don’t think I can handle it if this is permanent. I'm scared that I'm going to lose it and go completely insane one day. It feels like my life is falling apart.

(sorry if this is too long to read. I don’t know how to summarize)

Hi Reddit,

I've been reflecting on the widespread legalization and commercialization of cannabis, both for medical and recreational purposes, and I can't help but feel uneasy about its broader implications on mental health and societal norms. Here are some expanded thoughts based on my experiences and concerns, and I'm eager to hear your perspectives as well.

1. Personal Experience: I smoked cannabis regularly for 15 years, with a couple of breaks during that time, including two stints of eight months each. However, five months ago, I decided to quit permanently. There was a distinct spiritual pull that guided me to stop, a sense that continuing to use was not in line with my personal growth. The difference in mental clarity since quitting has been remarkable. I used to feel perpetually foggy and detached—like I was just going through the motions of life rather than fully living it. Now, that haze has lifted, and I feel reconnected with my emotions and more engaged with the world around me.
2. Mental Health Concerns: It appears to me that the rise of the cannabis industry might be contributing to an uptick in mental health issues. Research suggests links between frequent cannabis use and a range of mental health problems, including anxiety, depression, schizophrenia, paranoia, and psychosis. It raises the question: Are we trading short-term relief for long-term mental health challenges?
3. Exacerbation of Preexisting Conditions: Cannabis is often celebrated for its therapeutic potential, but what about its impact on existing mental health issues? From my observations and readings, it seems that while some find relief, others experience a worsening of symptoms like anxiety and depression. This contradiction is troubling and suggests that cannabis might not be the benign substance it's often made out to be.
4. Induced Hostility and Anger: Contrary to the relaxed, easy-going stoner image, there's an aggressive edge that can emerge with cannabis use. This aggression could be an emotional response that becomes exaggerated under the influence of cannabis, leading to increased incidents of hostility and anger. It's a side of the drug that isn't often discussed and warrants further exploration and understanding.
5. Identity and Perception: There's also a concerning trend related to how cannabis influences self-perception and identity. I've noticed discussions suggesting that some individuals begin questioning their gender identity under the influence of cannabis, potentially due to its effects on the mind and how users perceive themselves. This could be a complex interplay of psychological and neurological factors influenced by cannabis.
6. Emotional and Spiritual Effects: Beyond the tangible effects, there's something to be said about the spiritual and emotional toll of regular cannabis use. The concept of 'zombification'—a state where individuals seem less alive, less empathetic, and more disconnected—is something I've witnessed. Does cannabis usage drain not just mental and physical energy but also impact the spiritual essence of individuals?
7. Societal Impact: Finally, I question the societal implications of the push for cannabis legalization. Is it truly about advancing freedom and wellness, or are there hidden agendas at play? The potential societal cost—increased mental health issues, altered emotional states, and a shift in societal norms—might be far greater than any perceived benefits.

I'm genuinely interested in a broad discussion on these topics. Are these concerns grounded, or is there evidence that counters these observations? What has been your experience?

hey everyone. i am a high school student enrolled in a college painting course taught at my high school. our assignment is to make a narrative painting (a painting that tells a story or a story can be inferred from the painting) and i want to do a leftover suicide scene. (hand hanging out of a bathtub, razor on the floor, pink water dripping down the side of the tub). i was wondering if anyone would think it would be too far? as someone who has had suicidal thoughts and feelings in the past, my goal is to create a statement piece against suicide, but i’m afraid it could be taken the wrong way. i feel as though i should have creative freedom on what i paint, but i’m scared there will be repercussions i am not aware of.

my painting is pretty much halfway done, it just doesn’t have the graphic parts in it yet. i’m afraid to go through with such a jarring scene.

let me know your opinions.

So I have a huge fear/sadness of death and change. Not a unique experience I’m sure, but I just wonder if anyone else experiencing this has any strategies.

How I’ve come to posting today:

Cleaning the house with music on, listening to The Police when I start to think how they must be in their 70s now or close to it. Then I start thinking how they might die soon. And that once they were young and living it up, then I think about the 80s and how sad it is that the era is over. Then I think about how much my parents have changed and how I thought time would not affect me but obviously it catches up with us all. I feel I can be often sad that things are over, or have changed or are no longer.

I wouldn’t say it affects my life to the point of being unable to function but I live with the constant existential dread.

I’m often triggered into this thought process by music, especially music from the past I’ve known all my life. (The best music of course)

I struggle with this idea like many others but I keep thinking that I will have wasted my whole life in fear of the inevitable and when I get to that point I’ll be upset I lived so fearfully and anxious

20 days ago I attempted suicide by gunshot. I used a 124 grain red tip hollow point under my chin. The bullet ricocheted off my chin and came through the front of my jaw. After shooting myself I waited 5 hours to get help thinking I wouldn’t make it. I spent a total of 8 days in the hospital after a 7 hour surgery. Mentally; I’m doing better more now than ever.. EXCEPT.. I struggle with how insane the full scope of the events went. I don’t understand how I could have survived. More days then not, I catch myself questioning if I’m still living in the “real world” like I was before?

The brain stays active for minutes after death. Some cells can remain “active” for hours after. Although it’s not proven that there is consciousness during this time, there isn’t anything showing it’s not possible.

What coping mechanism or skills can I start working on to curve this thought pattern?

Any help would be greatly appreciated :)

I want to preface by saying this happened years ago, I am in a much better place mentally than I was when this happened. It’s something i still think heavily about though and I feel like hearing other people’s opinions could help me let it go. I still struggle with suicidal ideations at times, but I want to say it does get better and if you’re struggling as well don’t give up.

Me and my parents had a falling out when I moved away to college. I was living life out from their control/ shadow and started exploring my sexuality and gender. They are extremely conservative and very much disliked this. They retaliated by cutting me off emotionally and financially. I did okay on my own for awhile but at 18 I struggled working full time at minimum wage while trying to put myself thru college. I eventually flunked out, got hooked on drugs, getting myself sucked into sex work to make ends meet. This life style was not sustainable and lead to me making an attempt on my life by ODing. My friend found me and took me to the hospital where I recovered, then went thru a few months of in and out patient therapy. I ended up going to jail not long after and my parents reached out to me and made me a deal. Seeing how bad I was struggling they said I could move back in as long as I lived my life how they wanted me to. Basically strictly southern, Christian, and republican. Not saying there’s anything wrong with that but it is not who I am. For a lack of a better choice I agreed. I lived with them for about a year before I got back on my feet again. I moved in with a friend and was able to rediscover myself. At this point I still struggled with my mental health quite a bit, having strong ideations just about weekly. Not long after I moved out for my 22nd birthday my dad decided he was going to buy me a pistol. For the past three years I have struggled to come to terms with why he would do it. Just over a year since I was in the hospital where I almost died from taking my own life. The person who is supposed to protect me, supposed to keep me safe, put a gun into my hands. Someone who was struggling almost daily with suicidal ideations, a freaking loaded gun, on my birthday of all days, while we were at a restaurant. I’ve shot guns with him a lot growing up, but never wanted one, never asked for one or was even legally allowed to own one since I was in a mental hospital. He is a big end of the world fanatic, so I keep thinking to myself he just wanted me to be safe. I just can’t make myself believe he could be so ignorant about giving it to me. He is a very smart man, I hope maybe he was delusional thinking I could never do it. Deep down though I feel like the truth is that he was telling me that if I was going to kill myself then do it for real not half assed. He told me before he wished I was dead, so that reasoning isn’t so unbelievable to me. I just haven’t been able to come to terms with it, I keep bouncing back and forth between thinking he wanted me to be safe and he wanted me to unalive myself. If anyone could help me find clarity I would appreciate it, thank you.

TLRD: My dad bought be a pistol a year after I got out of a mental hospital for a suicide attempt. I can’t figure out why he would do it and it’s been eating at me for three years please help.

whenever I go out I'm always unconscious of people's thoughts, I don't like crowded places. I am constantly attacked by my anxiety and depression. every night I always cried and thought about too getting suicide to end my problem and me. i want to have self-confidence. how about you, did you feel this too?

I'm 20, I have been given numerous diagnoses of MDD, GAD, ADHD, Autism, BPD, Bipolar (initially type 1 and then type 2, but my family and other professionals still think type 1), I've had at least 4, probably 8 psychotic episodes, with prolonged states of delusions, mania, and panic. I have been told I have Schizoaffective by 2 facilities, and a facility along with a transitional living, both from another state, have both said I have PTSD and listed so in my medical records. With inpatients and residentials included, I've been in institutions around 19 times since I was 18. That's NOT including outpatient programs such as PHPs, IOPs, therapy, psychologists, and different organizations. I've also been in 4 different states away from home for treatment. My mental health care experiences and treatment has often felt like tag or that I'm the hot potato, being thrown and shooed around. I've made a list of medications, it has 27 that I've tried since I was almost 18; It doesn't include medicines I may have forgotten let alone unconsciously forgotten whilst having them given to me while in institutions. I firmly believe, even still in my reminiscence, that I have medical trauma; due to neglect, minimizing, dismissal, and the ignoring and stigmatizing of me. I even found out recently, despite all the doctors who were supposed to help and educate me, that some of the psych meds I've taken while on birth control, that I still could've ended up pregnant. Not to mention, I also have hormone issues (still) due to some of the meds. My memory is horrible, I barely remember things from the past couple of years, let alone my teenage years, (and OF COURSE NOT) my childhood, or even from within the recent month or EVEN week. I've wanted to die since I was 10 or 11, with such obsessions and thoughts monopolizing my growing up. I'm an adult as well as childhood survivor of domestic violence and abuse, been bullied, and been an ugly outcast of society and of the world since childhood. My childhood, my whole adolescence, and even in adulthood, there's been too much pain. Having SI, body dysmorphia, self harm since childhood, the crippling anxiety, self-deprecation, feeling like (and seemingly becoming) a menace, everywhere I go-- the pain of not being able to do things functionally, feeling like I was generally more functional when I was 8 (despite family issues) than most of my teenage and even adult years... like, why should I be here? It's my life, my body, my choice, my brain as well as my soul and even my body has rotten here for too long, the atrophying of depression-- chronic fatigue where there's too many times where I sleep 12 - 24 hrs for sometimes weeks, being unable to care for myself let alone objects nor living things. It's difficult to concentrate, to maintain any presence let alone awareness, I already feel like a ghost, empty, a shell which is a sack of a body trapping me. My primary emotion(s) I carry for myself is shame and guilt, which is truthfully hate and anger that's developed over years for myself and general existence. I have no care in myself. It hurts to try; you mention insanity, I've lived it, from speaking up and out, suffering in silence, surrender, to literally losing control- it's been hopeless for me. I've known of euthanasia for a while, and euthanasia has been my dream for a long time. I think it would not only "save" my pathetic existence, but I would be free, and most importantly, able to carry out my dream of making the world a better place, as I wouldn't be taking up resources, I would save time, and as someone who not only feels horrid but has become so and a waste, it's how I would not only get to conserve my existence, but also the world’s.

Any happiness I've had in my life has been either through trauma bonds, through addiction, or falsified trust.

I'm 22F had midline diastema( noticeable gap between two front teeth) My best friend 23F had two missing teeth and she got herself a dental bridge treatment done from a dentist nearby. When I told her that i also want my gap to be corrected, She told me that the dentist is good and recommended me that dentist. She used to have pain in teeth but she said it was manageable though she herself used to visit the dentist often for the pain.

After six months when she has had her dental bridge placed I was considering to get the treatment done.

When i visited the dentist , he told me about three options for correcting gap: braces, filing and cap (crowns).

I didn't want braces as the gap was not major and I had no problem with other teeth. Also the dentist told me that if I go for filing it would break if I eat something.

And for caps he told me that it would last for 15 years. I agreed for caps as I thought that it is a good option and my other teeth would not get impacted.

My dentist never told me about the amount of teeth that would be sacrificed in order to get the caps,that the tooth needs to be shaved, also he did told me that the teeth might develop infection in future and may need root canal or extraction.

I thought of it as a regular easy procedure as no x ray was taken. I was unaware about the risks and got the treatment done. I felt so bad for my teeth when they were shaved/ trimmed so much.

When I was in the mid of the treatment my best friend called me and told me not to get the treatment done from him as he is not good and she is now considering another dentist. I felt angry but I didn't say anything much to her and just said that it's too late now.

I also developed suspicion on the i Dentist when he could not provided me much help for the pain.It still used to hurt so I thought of visiting another dentist.

When I visited another dentist I got to know the risks of the treatment. I regretted my decision so bad. I discussed with my friend and she told me that she also has pain from her and even her x ray was not taken to rule out the other trouble causing possibilities.

I was very angry at the dentist and my friend agreed with me that the dentist is unethical and is doing this for money as he had extracted her two teeth aswell for the bridge stating that they are weak.

After 3 months of pain and several visits to the dentist I got frustrated and I wrote a negative Google review for the dentist stating that he is scamming people for money and ruining their teeth. The dentist called me and threatened me that he will file a complaint against me if I don't get the review deleted.

I told my friend all this, she agreed with me that the review is correct but still I took it off. My friend used to say that she is my side and Will support me. But after four five days she made me a call stating that she is going to the same dentist in order to get cleaning done.

I could sense that she wanted good relations with him, I also feel that if she was aware of the pain and consequences of the treatment she should have informed me earlier. Instead she encouraged me to get the treatment done.

After this incident she has stopped calling me and texting me even after knowing that i have been struggling emotionally , I also don't call her. I feel that she recommended me to be the patient of the same dentist for her self interest.

I was already very anxious about my teeth after the treatment and after all this incident my anxiety has significantly increased. I have lost trust in our friendship. I feel so emotionally drained having been deceived by my friend who instead of giving me the right advise dragged me into the same problem.

The loss which I have incurred now can't be compensated, my beautiful teeth are ruined by the dentist. Also I Blame my friend equally for this, Now I have this feeling that she did all of this on purpose.

Please share your opinions what do u feel about her doing this for her own self interest and how should I take this friendship in future?

Sometimes I feel like I don't want to live, that life is just too overwhelming and I can barely breathe. I'm on antidepressants and have tried therapy. I don't want to burden my friends and I could never tell my mom because it would break her heart.