I have been not talking to and slowly working on completely cutting out an ex-friend from my life. Only recently one of my friends had a birthday party and I said I wouldn't be there because this person was there, I made the decision that I couldn't endure a full night with this person there in a small gathering of friends. This feeling of anxiety was strong enough for me to basically disappoint my other friend.

As will be made clear, myself and ex friend are part of the same friend group. And I've had to isolate myself to not see him. He is the kind of person that would send angry messages at three o clock in the morning, and always had dramatic things going on with him for over ten years. He's an addict and at a certain point I decided I did not want to see this person again, ever. I didn't want to be responsible if something happened to him, and I didn't enjoy his company anymore even when he was in good form. I won't go on to explain all the intricacies except to say I think he was manipulative and enjoyed having someone thinking about his drama all the time.

Anyway, another friend in the groups father has passed away. I didn't know the father very well, and I would like to be there under different circumstances to support my friend, but you know again, it would be this small gathering of us in a pub or something, and this guy will be there, either A: being very unpleasant or B: trying to use this as an opportunity to resume things as they were.

My Mother takes calls from her sister who treats her like shit, for hours on the phone, and it's all just about her sisters life. At a point I saw myself falling into the same situation and have decided no matter how hard I don't want that.

I can't go to the pub with this guy there, I can't go to the funeral and abruptly leave, I just feel miserable about it.

I imagine some of the others will judge me over it, but not sure what else I can do. It's not about paying my respects to the deceased it's about being there to support a friend who lost a parent. But I don't think I can do that with the narcissist friend in the same room.

Saying "I can't make it down, I'll give you a call next time I'm in town" just feels hollow though.

Any thoughts on this problem? Anyone have the same experience?

I don't know how to draw a line under this without leaving a whole friend group.

Hello, I'm a girl, and I just need some advice…insight or whatever on this. I'm a sexual assault victim, and since then I've always had fantasies about doing the same acts to someone, like having power, taking control, and deciding if it ends or not, and I'm genuinely horrified and disgusted with myself for this because I never want anyone to experience it, but these thoughts won't go away, and I'm just lost. Is this a trauma response? Is this normal, or do I need to tell my therapist about this?

For context, I’m 18(F) and I am working at a job that cuts hours constantly and I make 10 an hour too. My schedule only allows for me to work Fridays and Saturdays (I’ll explain later) . Im supposed to be getting 12 hours a week but I mostly get 5-6 hours a week. Maybe 8 on a good week. I need a car though because senior year is coming up and I want to do an internship. Plus all my other friends are driving now. I have 5000 saved up and my parents will match whatever I save but I don’t want to spend all my savings on a car because I’ve been saving since 14. But good news I just got a job opportunity that I’ll be starting soon to work M 5-9, W 5-9, F 5-9, SAT open availability that pays me 15 an hour!!!!

Okay now into what’s making me feel overwhelmed more important because jobs is only part of it. i go to a rigorous school in which honors and ap classes and dual classes are required. I have 3 ap class (pretty easy), 2 dual classes (also pretty easy), 1 study hall, and 2 honor classes (kinda challenging). Only the 2 honor classes are actually classes I have to study hard for

Then I recently just started an sat prep class that’s on Sundays from 5-8 every week AND there’s 12 assignments I have to do that’s due Saturdays and I have to receive the assignments to find my mistakes to receive credit. This class ends at the end of April.

Then, I used to talk to my grandma on Fridays but her phone broke(she doesn’t get notifications when I text) and my life has been getting more busy. I try to call but realistically I can only remember every week and a half. I just called today and she is sad that we don’t come see her.

I also go to church on Sundays from 8a-11a. Since my schedule has become more hectic (as of Jan this year) I’ve become a reck. I used to go to the gym 2 times a week but I don’t have time for that anymore. I also am Christian and feel so guilty that I’m half doing my relationship with God regarding praying and reading my Bible. Im also in a lot of clubs (about 5) but I’ve kinda abandoning them because of how busy I am. I am president of one club and we meet every other Thursdays. I just feel like I’m juggling so much and every day I’m crashing. Sundays used to be my self care days because I really pride myself on looking good because it boost my confidence and mood but since I’ve started all this stuff I really haven’t had time.

Other info to know is that I have PMDD which makes me an emotional train reck for the week before my period and I typically get 6 hours of sleep a night. I ride the bus which comes at 6:20 in the morning. I also haven’t been eating and drinking water as consistently as I should which I know is bad.

Please give advice. I already know the cliche stuff but I need actual advice because I feel like I’m drowning. If you read all this thank you so much for listening I appreciate you

Hello. As the title says I'm gonna vent about probably meaningless things so if you dont wanna read a man bitch about useless problems dont read further

So. Every time I try to draw something or anything I enjoy and I do draw something. It sucks and I then hate it and me. It gets to a point where I punch myself. My paper. I stab it and I sob for maybe 10 minutes. I don't feel enough but I feel so lazy everyone Calls me lazy. I feel fat and then when I tell myself I'm gonna workout I just. Don't. I feel like I'm ugly and everyday I enter school I feel dumber. And dumber.

I don't know why i feel this way. But I want it to stop.

Hi everyone, I am a first-year uni student and I am struggling with my mental health. I have frequent anxiety/panic attacks where I get super stressed out and worried about my future and if I am going to down the right career path or not. I am also living around 3 hours away from my family which I thought I would enjoy, but it is just making everything harder. I just feel like I am disappointing everyone who cares about me whenever I have these emotions. I don't feel like myself and I just don't know what to do. any advice would be greatly appreciated

I’m really starting to hate God Himself. Everything in my life is miserable, and none of it was my choice. I didn’t choose to be born. I didn’t choose to be in a poor family full of problems. I didn’t choose to be raised by people who don’t know how to raise a child, which left me broken like this.

I don’t want to be in a relationship, and I made that choice because I see how people get destroyed by them—just like how my family turned out. I even hate the idea of sex. I hate myself even more every time I masturbate. But in the end, I got attached to someone in an unhealthy way. And I’m not talking about a girlfriend or anything like that—just someone close to me. I kept causing problems because of my awful personality, and now nothing is the same anymore.

The worst part is that this attachment controlled everything I did, and now I’m stuck with the same pain that people in failed relationships feel—even though I never wanted any of this in the first place. Life is just unfair. I used to be used to being alone without any problems. But now, I’m constantly miserable, and the only person I got attached to doesn’t even want to deal with me anymore. I keep trying to fix things, but nothing works.

Honestly, I don’t even deserve this person. They treated me better than anyone in my life ever did. But now, I spend all my time feeling depressed, angry, or crying. I can’t focus on anything else.

On top of that, I’m poor and live in a country with high unemployment. My family is terrible, my house is always messy, and I can’t do anything about it. I do believe there is a God, but I hate Him. Because nothing ever gets fixed from the core. Who’s going to give me better parents? Who’s going to give me the love I was supposed to get from them? Who’s going to make up for all the things that can’t be replaced? Who’s going to bring back the last person who truly cared about me—someone I pushed away?

I’m really tired. Even therapy here sucks. I tried it, and I’ve heard that all therapists here are the same. And anyway, I’m broke—I still haven’t recovered the money I wasted on therapy a month ago.

All my habits are awful, and I can’t stop them. Masturbation, smoking, laziness—everything in my life is broken.

I smoked weed daily for about 4 years. It made me feel good, it made me motivated, it made me enjoy things, it made me so happy at times, it made me be able to deal with everything going on in my life. And then one day I started getting extremely sick from smoking weed and I believe I developed CHS which means I had to stop smoking weed and can never smoke weed again.

I stopped about a year ago and I don't feel like a person anymore. I don't enjoy anything anymore. I don't have hobbies. I don't go out anymore. I sit on my computer all day because it's the only thing that can give me some kind of dopamine. I don't feel happy anymore. I feel like a shell of a human being. I don't really consider myself human. Well like obviously I'm a human being but not like everyone else.

It was so hard on me to have to quit because I knew I'd be like this and it hurts more that I could have it all back if my body wasn't fucked.

Why do I feel like this? Why is my brain only able to function normally when high on weed? Is there anything I can do to be a normal human being again?

Adding this because I've seen some people mention connections, I strongly believe I have autism and adhd. I've also been extremely depressed for the majority of my life and I'm diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

I’m not OK. I’m tired, really fucking tired. I don’t think I’m making it to 35 this year.

I don’t really know what to expect from this post . It’s really just a written acknowledgement, even to strangers, that I think about putting a gun in my mouth and pulling the trigger daily. I think that my 9mm isn’t enough and should probably get something bigger for this POU . The current state of the world hasn’t helped. It’s not like anyone on here can help, I need to help myself and I just can’t. That’s really it. I’m not going to post a huge sad story. I just needed someone, even complete strangers to know what I’m feeling. There is no one else.

The younger kids on this subreddit, please talk to someone before it’s too late. I can promise you it won’t get better the longer you wait. Try and figure life out as early as you can. Stay away from Porn and drugs. Trust me. They don’t really help either and probably make it worse.

s the best for him and it may seem that way for now but i genuinely think and have tried to talk him out it. Me too I want to move out really badly but I’ve been very strong. I’ve shown him support multiple times and tried to explain him that even though he thinks no body loves or supports him, I do and my mother too even though it doesn’t seem this way right now. I try to prove him the opposite. I don’t know what to do anymore but at the same time I’m worrying so much as if I myself am the parent in this household (which consists of two more younger children). I myself have lots of mental issues and try to keep myself in order and having these issues on top isn’t helping me at all. And I can’t concentrate at school or work either. I try so hard to take care of everyone and including my mother. I’m so lost and so many emotions and feelings are shutting slowly down because this isn’t the first time these sort of situations happen, except this time, he’s for real gonna probably move out…

A few recent things, im using this to determine if im corrrct or not to feel wronged in these particular cases. Sanity check if u will

Paying a sum repairing a jacked you agrerd to get an estiimateded anf keep until i was out of hospital. Deciding to pay the repairs anyway then rrfusing to hand back unless reimbursed.

Askning a favor., not reading the reply then answerinh with adivice and a remindrr of what wad explainrd in the reply (Saying something about A then suggesting i rember about A like i had forgoten).

Claiming every worldly beliongings for a debt nrver talked about rrfusing any info on the status of debt. Aftrt throwing out lf appt i rent wo contract.

Im sorry if this is convoluted but im recemtly homeless and all of my belongings are in an appartment i rented without a contract. Besidrs months of leegal process i cant grt any belomgings in that apt Ilandlord claimd my stuff on a debt they refuse to give any info on, not even how big the debt is. I cant get my best and warmedt jacket unless i pay for repairs that were made withouth my knowledge, and im homeless in northern winter.

Am i insane to be upset by this? Genine question.

Hi everyone!! I have been dealing with bipolar 2, anxiety and derealisation for a while now, around 3-4 year and have been doing CBT therapy for around a year and a half. Unfortunately, I haven’t been sensing much improvement and if anything my depressive episodes just get worse, and my anxiety is so bad I can’t sleep. I was wondering if anyone had advice on what helped for them in dealing with mental health issues, should I try and switch therapists? Or should I try and see a psychiatrist and get medication. I have no clue what to do and am tired of living like this, I feel like I’m wasting my life. If anyone could drop some advice I would really appreciate it, I hate feeling so alone with this. Thank you!

So I have been thinking for a while… I don’t recognise or love my face idk why I’m trying to fix that when a picture that includes me I don’t feel like looking at… I don’t feel I’m pretty enough…I kinda feel weird seeing my face in photos it makes me puke… it’s like I don’t realise this is my face…when I imagine myself in scenarios and in outfits I don’t imagine my face there even if I try to imagine my face I feel like shit idk why My own face makes me feel disgusted

Hello, I've just been thinking a lot recently about what the future would be like for me because of my struggles and idk how ill manage with my own house and bills and handling medication, Im autsitic btw. obviously I'm only 16 right now so I still live with my parents but when the time comes and I leave home, I've just been thinking about it a lot, and I sometimes experience involuntary regression which is most likely caused by my autism so I wondered about would I need a carer when im older just for cirtain support and stuff but just stressing about it, any advice much appriciated, there are lots of other things I do struggle with, I dont leave the house on my own either just wanting some advice

So I’m a 23 year old male and was diagnosed with ADHD and OCD last year. I had been prescribed with Elvanse and also Sertraline due to my depression.

Recently I have been feeling a lot better although I do still have bad days which I think is something I’m always going to have to accept. I just dropped down from 100mg Sertraline to 50mg and want to eventually stop the drug completely due to the side effects.

I haven’t been dating for about 6 months as I wanted to focus on my mental health. I’m now at a point where I have the urge to try again and find a meaningful relationship however I do have my doubts. I’m worried I will fall back into my depression again and if I’m in a situation where I’ve started seeing someone. But on the other hand I don’t want to just keep holding off when there are plenty of opportunities I’m passing by at the moment because I don’t think it’s wise to pursue them while still on anti depressants.

I know when I eventually do start dating again I will still have my doubts so there’s no point me waiting for some sort of perfect state of mind but I don’t want to make the same mistakes as last time. Any advice would be much appreciated.

Long story short, one day a weird thought appeared in my head, which was “how do languages work?”. I know it sounds simple to answer but with me something just changed, I started obsessing over this topic and it came stuck in my head for the past week now. What made this worse was the fact that every time I spoke or thought something in my head I would start stressing because I felt like I didn’t understand the mechanism behind English. For instance, what do the words “do,how, it and more mean?”, “how are they applied and work in different scenarios?”. It sounds stupid (Ik) you’re probably thinking “how do you lose hold over a language you’ve known since childhood?”, and the truth is, I don’t understand myself. I intuitively know how basic English operates, but every time I do anything related to English, these thoughts keep coming back and it even starts making me stressed out. Leading to rapid heart beats and migraines and a lot of anxiety in general. Sometimes I feel like the problem goes away and then sometimes it comes back in an endless cycle of stress and unstressed. How do I overcome this?

this is hard to talk about, but i’ve been dealing with physical and verbal abuse from my dad’s side of the family, struggling with eating, and self-harm. the first two times, i tried self-strangulation. the third was an attempt to bleed out. fourth was same as first two, strangulation. I'm too scared to do anything more, but I'm not scared to actually end it. how ironic? i haven’t sh’ed in a while, but it feels like if i don’t, then what was the point of everything? my parents are too strict to tell, and they wouldn’t take me to a therapist anyway, so there’s no point in asking. i don’t know anymore. i keep feeling like i have to starve myself and count calories, then i binge and feel guilty.

I don’t even know how could I possibly elaborate on this question. The more you follow the news, the more you probably know what I’m talking about.

Struggling with Perfectionism, OCD, Faith, and Life - Need Advice

Lately, my perfectionism and OCD have been overwhelming. I tried meds, but they didn't help.

I was getting closer to God, but now I feel like a failure because of my doubts. I overthink everything-worrying about things that don't matter, the past, other people's opinions, and things I can't control.

My life feels like a mess. I struggle with depression, anxiety, and motivation. I can't keep a job, I barely take care of myself, and my apartment is a disaster. I keep restarting-deleting social media, making new accounts, resetting my phone-hoping for a fresh start, but it never helps. My finances are bad, and I feel guilty for the money I owe people.

I also feel stuck worrying about relationships, my past mistakes, and what I should be doing. Any time something goes wrong, I just give up. Lately, I've been wanting to drink all the time. I pray, but I feel lost and don't know what to do anymore.

Has anyone else been through something like this? Any advice on how to move forward-especially from a faith-based or mental health perspective?

25m here, I swear, being sick and dumb at the same time is a different kind of hell. Like, imagine feeling like an NPC in real life—no critical thinking, no creativity, no talents—just existing, barely processing anything. And on top of that, your body is falling apart too.

I’m talking about constant breathlessness, exhaustion, health problems I don’t even fully understand, and a brain that feels like it’s running on fumes. And no, I can’t just “fix” it with some magical lifestyle change, because the mental fog makes it impossible to even start anything meaningful.

People say, “Just learn a skill, just study, just work out, just eat right.” Like bro, my brain doesn’t even process information the way normal people do. I read something, and it’s gone the next second. I try to start something new, and it feels like I hit a wall before I even begin. And let’s not even talk about motivation—that word doesn’t exist in my dictionary.

Meanwhile, time is flying. Everyone else is moving forward—building careers, making connections, stacking accomplishments—and I’m just here, stuck in the same mental and physical decay, watching life pass by like a spectator. It’s frustrating as hell.

No one really understands what it’s like to be both physically weak and mentally lost. Like, if you’re just sick but smart, you can still find a way. If you’re dumb but healthy, you can still grind. But when both are against you? It’s like life set you up to fail from the start.

And the worst part? There’s no real fix. No roadmap. No guaranteed way out. Just vibes and suffering.

Okay so, im a 15 year old girl and i have a history of seeing things (people, shadows, figures, shapes) that arent there and constantly hear loud and clear voices that arent actually there (mostly people ive known that have passed away or voices i dont recognize). Ive spoken to a therapist about it and she assures me that everything is fine but i think shes lying to me. I have a constant feeling that im being watched, be that in real life or on my devices. Every night for the past 2 or 3 years at exactly 23:13 and 00:01 i have to recite the same thing and snap my fingers twice so they sound the exact same to feel like im not being watched:

At 23:13: Dont see, dont hear, dont see my silhouette continuously, dont see whats around me continuously, everything around me continuously, dont see dont hear everything thats in my phone or on my phone, dont see dont hear whats on my laptop whats in my laptop, dont see dont hear whats in my headphones whats coming out of my headphones (this continues for any device i use and yes i mean any device, even down to my old Nintendo DS), for the next 24 hours continuously as of right now for 23:13 o clock.

At 00:01: Dont see, dont hear, dont see my silhouette continuously, dont see whats around me continuously, everything around me continuously, dont see dont hear everything thats in my phone or on my phone, dont see dont hear whats on my laptop whats in my laptop, dont see dont hear whats in my headphones whats coming out of my headphones, etc. For the next 24 hours continuously as of right now for 00:01 o clock.

If i ever fall asleep before doing this i wake up in a panic the next morning and cant go through the day normally without being scared that im being watched. Ive torn apart my room on several occasions convinced that there is either someone hiding or a camera or something of the sort. Every time i enter my room i check every corner to see if someone is there (yes every single time), before i go to bed i have to check every drawer, under every surface in every nook to make sure no one is there. Every mirror needs to be turned away and every single one of my plushies needs to face the wall before i can falls asleep and i have to cover every part of my body with a blanket or hoodie so i feel safe enough to sleep.

I also constantly think that everyone around me is judging me and on bad days i think everyone is out to kill me, when i can i spend every minute in my room with the door locked and the blinds down, im sometimes even scared to leave my room because i think someone is standing in front of the door waiting for me, trying to kill me.

I have told my therapist all of this, yes ALL of it and she assures me that nothing is wrong. She tells me that she believes my mind is trying to comfort me?? How is any of this comforting? I am in constant fear that im being watched and going to be killed, i cant go about my everyday life without being scared that im being watched in some way and how is she going to tell me that seeing things and hearing voices is comforting?? I think shes lying to me but why would she do that? So can someone please tell me, do other people do this, is this in any way normal?? Is my therapist lying to me or am i convincing myself that she is?

Background: I've always been on the heavier side based on how I look. In my highschool years I used to spend 2-4 hours a day working out and barely eating that was off and on through out all of highschool until graduation. I rarely ate more than 500 cal a day. But I also had a problem where id give up on everything and binge, that therefore made me throw up (I didn't exactly try to throw up but I didn't exactly try to stop it from happening) it kinda cooled out for a bit once I got into this really amazing relationship and stuff and whatever. I'm 20 now and the thoughts about my weight and how much I eat have never stopped I still constantly know how many calories I am consuming and constantly thinking about ways to make myself skinnier. For a few months I was able to combat those thoughts but it has come back full force recently and I can't stop throwing up after every time I eat and I'll have binges which sucks horriblely because why do I do that if I wanna lose weight but overall this just sucks and I've started managing my calories and making sure I don't go over 500 a day or I'll just skip eating. Now I'm not sure if I do have an eating disorder because I've never been diagnosed and I've never talked to anyone about this but it really sucks and it's kinda spooky. Sorry this was a little long...

I’ve always been under stress since I can remember but it wasn’t stress I couldn’t deal with. However since last year I’ve been feeling a huge amount of build up. I was diagnosed with OCD right after I got out of a bad relationship. It was a very manipulative and mentally abusive relationship. I think he assaulted me, and I’m having a hard time believing it. I remember when it first happened I came on here on another board and everyone pretty much unanimously agreed. I loved him so I could not accept that. And I went back multiple times afterwards. So I feel that I diminished his actions. There was cheating involved. And as of recently I’ve been breaking down the relationship apart in order to process. It happened in a weird way but I was reading a book where there is two male Interest and a female Interest. A why not both situation. I immediately did not want to continue reading and I couldn’t figure out why until I remembered the relationship again. He would ask me for threesomes when we broke up because he said this was my way of proving my worth to him. That if I could please him over another women then I was “worthy.” I don’t think I proceeded all of this until recently. Because it’s so hard to understand why I loved this person who did everything to show me how much he hated me. And I’m also struggling with missing him because it wasn’t always bad. There was good, he had money so he would take me out a lot. But it always came with a price. There’s more things stressing me out and giving me anxiety but I feel like this one is the one that is affecting me the most. And I’m scared to process it because then I feel like I’m broken. During all this I had one friend I really trusted that I could tell everything to. I feel like I used her too much for venting that she ghosted me. We were friends since we were in elementary school so losing her was hard. She stopped responding to me and didn’t give me a reason. She just ghosted me. I apologized in one of my messages but still she did not respond. And she had every right to do that, I’m not blaming her. Everyone has their limits but she was my only friend. So I haven’t been able to speak to anyone in detail of what happened.

I do have a therapist and have changed a couple times but I haven’t found one that truly understands and can give me a path where I can heal. And truly build coping mechanisms.

Hey everybody. I used to be one of those people who thought I didn't need Therapy for anything, until 2 days ago. I realized I had a big flaw that needed to be taken care of and I believe Therapy would be helpful to get rid of said flaw.

Any advice on how to even find a good therapist? Do I need to find a therapist who specializes in something? I'm completely new to this and would appreciate any advice, thanks

Edit: if you need specifics, dm me and I’ll talk to you about it

I’m a 22 year old girl. I don’t understand. I’ve done years of therapy and probably tried over 100 different medications, I’ve done everything I was told to do. But I still feel so terrible, I am super low functioning, and I just hate myself and my life. Nothing brings me joy anymore, not even hobbies or music. I stare at a wall for hours on end, I shouldn’t be so insanely medicated and still suffer this much. I’m running out of family members to turn to, resources to utilize, treatments to try, and most importantly…I’m running out of fight.

TL;DR I am 19M, and every relationship I’ve had with a woman was either purely sex or a toxic relationship. I fall in love with women who are much older than me especially if they have many mother characteristics. I tend to chase partners who don’t value me either. More context below

I am seeing many women, but most my age I talk to are immature and I feel like I use them as an ego boost, or a good time. However there is someone I am seeing who is 27/F (I’m 19/M) who is very nurturing. Very kind. And i literally fall head over heels for this woman.

To give some context I was emotionally neglected by my mother growing up, we never got close and it was always fights. I always wanted to be the opposite of my mother and I hated her for a long time and till this day I don’t even like interacting with her.

When it comes to nurturing women, it’s like I get so clingy. I have the urge to tell this girl I’m seeing that I have mommy issues so she keeps nurturing me but idk how to go about it. I don’t want her to do my clothes or pay for shit for me. I do that by myself.

I want to be the man in the relationship, but when the day is over and I’m stressed, I want that energy of a mother who will hold me close but I can be intimate with. Am I going at this the right way?

So lately I’ve been unraveling mentally and struggling with alcohol and cocaine abuse . Decided I needed to be put on heavy medications so Monday I’m checking into an mhmr clinic for treatment. Any medications for bpd?

I'm the worst person ever. I'm not diagnosed with anything but I've thought for a very long time that I'm hypersexual and now I'm ruining everything. I've been feeling horny and I have a dom but he's busy/asleep 24/7 and I can't talk to him until almost 2:30 every morning so I stay up super late, which I think is why I've been feeling so shit lately. I told him I was horny but he said he's not in the mood. I apologized and we can only text and call so in text I went hug to go a long with my apology, but then he accuyme of only wanting him for sex and that's the last fucking thing I want! But recently I have been feeling purely like a sex object. I'm think I'm fat and useless and my only purpose is to be a breathing flashlight so at least I can make someone happy. I'm pouring tears and I hate it because I'm supposed to go out to dinner with my bf in a half hour and I feel like complete shit, but I can't cancel. If you read all of this, I'm sorry for burdening you with my own shit. I just feel like I'm only good for one thing. Sex.

If anyone needs to vent about anything feel free to message me I'll listen to whatever you have to say and try to understand have a great day and keep your head held high

I moved to this city after outgrowing my hometown. A few difficult things happened before I left, like a work incident resulting in a 3.5 year courtcase.

When I first got to the new city everything was exciting, I had confidence and was feeling good.

Over time, whether it was the newness of the city fading or the weight of the courtcase, perhaps a combination... but I've become reclusive, cagey, depressed and anxious.

I've not worked for a long as it complicates the case. The case is nearly over but I have this feeling like I don't know where I belong. It's deeply saddening and I don't know what will help.

This one may be a long one, so be warned.

As the title suggests, I hate my parents, to an almost unbearable extent. I'm only recently an adult (18 m), and I've been holding in all these feelings for a long time. The more I look back in my life, the more i just utterly despise their decisions. I view them as parental failures, who stunted my growth and happiness because of their own emotional coldness or untreated mental health issues.

I despise my mother in particular, with her having so many issues that affected my childhood, one's I've only really noticed within the last four years. After that, she ceased to be my hero, my source of comfort and love. To this day, she is controlling, hoarding, unstable, overly emotional, paranoid, and obsessive about my perception of her despite never taking my input about it. She cannot take criticism and rarely admits when she is wrong.

Whenever i started to question what she said or thought during my early teenage years would set her off into a manipulative, emotional mess. She cannot stand me growing up, and in my view still sees me as the younger child who could not go one day without her. It infuriates me, and i cannot handle it. Whenever i displayed any mental health troubles of my own, she acts annoyed and dismissive. As of now, we do not have a proper relationship, despite living in the same house. We maybe speak a couple sentences a day, and I lose no sleep over it. The only reason trying to be pleasant is so my spring break trip isn't ruined by her.

My father is better, but I still blame him for so many things. He is the complete opposite of my mother, to a fault. He is emotionally absent, and while at least receptive to any troubles, rarely comforts me, or validates my feelings. He was, for a while, the only person I would even slightly divulge about my issues with mom, but he almost never took my side in anything. He sits there and does nothing, and even though he never says it, I know he doesn't want to help me. He just wants the constant arguments between me and my mother to go away. Its completely about himself.

They both found a pseudo-diary i created in mid 2021, and thought the best idea would be to confront, shame, invalidate, and pressure me into destroying it. If there was any trust between us then, it was shattered. They have both sat on their asses wondering why I don't tell them about my day, or my mental health struggles, or my grades, or anything really. It was only recently that I confronted them about this, and my mother called me "vicious" for it, before bursting into tears when I decided it would be too taxing for me to divulge my reasons for not liking her (i had tried to tell her many, many times.)

Eventually, they both apologized after a few days, and gave me back a copy of the diary. But i will not forgive them. They do not deserve it in my eyes. I have no reason to outside of whatever societal obligation you are supposed to have towards your parents. Frankly, I don't know if i want to forgive them for anything. I have a strong desire to punish them for their parental choices, from their emotional issues to their school choices to how they handled any mental or developmental problems I had. I have near zero sympathy for them.

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