Does anyone else just feel like they're constantly drained, lethargic, no energy for anything? Like any kind of task you have to has to be completely forced, and you feel almost like you're slow, heavy, pulled down, etc.? No matter how much I sleep, eat, or anything, I nearly always feel like this. The only time I get any burst of energy is sometimes after I've had some kind of exciting social interaction with a group of people, I get extremely hyperactive, or if I have caffeine sometimes it'll really make me go jittery and all over the place, but sometimes it does nothing. This shit is really holding me back from accomplishing anything in life.

CW: Verbal Abuse

I decided a few weeks ago to leave my FP due to them being abusive to me (both of us college-aged enby). A bit of backstory I started therapy around 2 years ago following a severe mental break that put me in the hospital and I met said FP shortly afterwards. We're both mentally ill and simply just needed someone to talk to but our friendship quickly grew beyond the human necessity of just needing to socialize as we had similar personalities and genuinely enjoyed each other's company. This year we developed a relationship that we both intended to take seriously. Due to all my previous relationships being absolute hell due to my untreated mental illness, I was extremely careful with my every word and action. Promising myself that I will not let my illness get the better of me since by then I reached a point where I had much more control over my emotional state, and also the fact I genuinely loved them and wanted them to be happy.

Unfortunately they showed me their true colors very quickly after this relationship began. It started rather mild with them using my insecurities to make me feel bad or swearing at me whenever they were upset at me, it later escalated to them mocking my past or calling me names, sometimes slurs, to get a rise out of me. Despite the mistreatment I stuck true to my word. I never let my insecurities get to me, I didn't let myself believe what BPD wanted me to like thinking they would cheat on me or that they secretly hate me. Perhaps I stuck true to my word too well but I do not regret my choice to do that despite how much they emotionally harmed me. The only time I lost my temper with them was towards the end of the relationship where they mocked one of my friends that I had at that point just found out passed away. I took a couple days to text a response, only writing whenever I was in a good mental state so I wouldn't come off too confrontational. All I wanted was for them to know their reaction in that situation really broke my heart and that I wanted them to seek help so they could be better for me and themselves. Their immediate response was to cuss at me and tell me that I am not allowed to talk about things. "Take your sadness somewhere else because I won't be sad with you". That's what triggered me to swear at them for the first and only time, as well as saying something along the lines of how they were completely incapable of being an emotionally supportive human being. I apologized to them very quickly afterwards when I calmed down a little bit and realized how fucked up I was being in telling them that.

I left them not too long after and completely cut contact. To this day I question whether or not I made the right decision but as I become more logical in my decision making I lean towards knowing that I deserve far better treatment then what they gave me. That whole situation made me realize that the chokehold this illness once had on my life has greatly loosened. Before I would probably think my world is crashing down again but this time around I'm surviving. Reasonably upset, heartbroken but surviving.

I would go on about this but I'm sure I rambled on long enough so I'll leave it off at this. Seek professional help and take care of yourself no matter how hard it can be to live with this. I share my story because I look at it as an example of how I handle hard situations now as opposed to a few years ago where I was often the abusive one letting my mental illness get the better of me. People can and do get better.

I need to get diagnosed but I have no motivation to do so, and there is just enough hoops that I can justify that lack of motivation.

I haven't been able to sleep cause my mind essentially went through

Tomorrow is going to be horrible so I'll plan an elaborate [so-and-so] in my mind, I'm finally ready > God those thoughts are horrible, stop it head a little bit of hitting self > Wow this is cringe > Wow she is wonderful > What the fuck is wrong with me?

This entire thing is so god damn cringy, I just wanted to sleep but I have no control over my thoughts.

I am tired. I am 15M, not diagnosed. I have 0 support, I never could find it in myself or other people. I dont have anyone I could really talk to, noone really is there for me. Is there anything else that can make feel nothing or a bit stable? I am tired of my mood and views changing in mere seconds. From “youre so good, everything is okay, you look good, you have people” to the complete extreme opposite. Every. Day. I can’t get therapy, Id rather die than let my parents know. Plus it costs too much. What do I do I am so tired. I try to sleep healthily, eat clean +- diet, work out and I am active yet nothing blocks it. It’s been almost 2 years of this nonstop and my mind is collapsing. I got almost hooked on alcohol, and still want it. But it’s not the way? Rigjt?

I just moved to be closer to my son,he lives with my ex husband. I'm currently staying in my ex inlaws rv with my 2 cats. I left a apartment and my fp, he lives an hour and half away. I found a job but was hurt by a patient with dementia (I'm a cna) and I had to go get checked out but is mostly bruises and I took few days off work with a doctors note. I'm now trying to find a different job because the current one lacks enough workers and most just gets put on another person to do more work. I'm super stressed and I'm freaking out my ptsd and bpd has definitely made working hard. Now I'm worried how to make my bills, mostly car payment and insurance. Also my favorite person who was my bf at one time now won't answer my phone calls and I know he's going through stuff with his grandmother's health, but all I can think is that he found someone else to be with and is just done with me.. this is a rant.. thanks for listening.. oh and did I mention I'm living across the street from my ex-husband and the women he cheated on me with 4 years ago when I was pregnant.. yea it's stressful but I haven't seen her in like 3 years and plan to keep it that way!! Anyways here's my cash app if anyone want to donate lol $Luckyclover2249

Hi! So I would like to share something positive with you today!

I 28F was diagnosed with BPD (and ASD) at 25. I had been in therapy since I was 18 for "depression, intense emotions and insecurities" and later I went to specialized BPD treatment. Nothing quite seemed to work, so this year I finally decided to try SSRI antidepressants. And O boy do I wish I started sooner..

I've been on these meds for almost 3 months now. And for the first time in my life I feel "normal" for the majority of the time! My reactions have become way less severe. I don't want to yeet myself anymore. I can still get sad and cry about things, but not "the world is ending" level intense. I do still have the insecuties, but it has become manageable and doesn't overtake my life anymore! And sometimes.. get this.. I even feel happy!? Ofcourse it's not always perfect, but in general just so much better.

This is crazy. I wish I started this so much sooner. I used to be scared of "permanent" medication. Not wanting to be dependent on it, wanting to do it all by myself or being scared to become senseless. But man, if you ever doubt trying these meds for those reasons? Please do try them. I wish someone told me that years ago.

If they don't work; you can stop. If they do work; your life can change.

Okay that was it. Much love and I wish you all the best <3!

(P.S. I am not a doctor. Antidepressants have different effects on different people. Please make informed choices regarding them. Ask your doctor and do good research online bedore trying them.)

I met my sons (31) new serious gf last week. He is also my FP. It’s been him and me against the world for over 15 years. He dosen’t know I have BPD, my daughter does as she has her own mental health issues.

Thing is, she is loud and judgmental and I feel quite dominant. She lost her mother when she was younger and seems to turn the conversation into quite emotional topics. I try to avoid this after 40 years of therapy. However, she is absolutely the complete opposite of what my son has had in the past. Please, don’t shoot me down when I say this. I know my son is an adult and can make his own choices. I try to support him as much as I can. He is also in therapy after losing his dad and an extremely difficult relationship with him.

So, this happened. Normally, I am the first to hear anything from my son, but I heard from his gf a piece of news and I felt rage inside. Yes, I know I felt abandoned but I immediately split on my son and he asked about our lunch date and I was very cold with very neutral responses, like “I’ve only met her a few times etc”.

He didn’t contact me for quite a few days and I felt like perhaps I could lose him so I sent him a sweet message this morning for his gf, hoping she has a safe flight and I will see her Next Year. I feel a horrible person to have been so manipulative because he will choose her over me. I feel so lonely and lost.

I’ve recently been prescribed lexapro to treat anxiety/ocd. I was warned that this may cause an increase in manic episodes.

I’m paranoid as I’m only 2 day in and can’t sleep. At night. Should I be worried?

Has anyone experienced this while on lexapro? Should I take it up with my psychiatrist?

When I’m in pain, or when i’m sad, as long as it has nothing to do with him he’s the most caring and supportive partner I could ask for. He can make me smile when I’m about to cry, he can raise me from the dead a giggling mess all aglow with love. He’s the only person to make me feel like someone could love me as much as I love them.

But the instant the hurt I feel is because of something he did, he can’t handle it. Its my fault for being hurt, its my fault I don’t understand him well enough, its my fault he’s angry because I wasn’t clear enough. And then when I pull away because I’m hurting worse now, its my fault for not trusting him. Its my fault for not being willing to open up to him.

Then when he sees that I’m aching and closing off, he panics again. He asks me if our relationship is going to be hurt by whatever started the argument (still my fault btw), he asks if I’m angry with him, or if I’m annoyed. If I get quiet, or cry, or need space, or do anything he doesn’t like then I’m punishing him.

I’m never angry with him. I’m never annoyed. I’ve never punished him for anything. I’ve done everything I can so far to love and support and be there for him, and I just feel so broken down at this point. Things were going so well. Today earlier we talked and I told him something he did hurt me. That I understood why he did it and wasnt angry, but I was hurt nonetheless. It went so well that later I thought I could open up when I realized why I was struggling to fully relax and feel cozy with him still. I was just still recovering. I should not have done that.

The hardest thing in the world for me is to be vulnerable about harm someone has done to me. Nothing is more frightening. To me, telling someone that they hurt me is an expression of deep, and incredible love. It requires an immense amount of trust, especially if the other person means a lot to me. Its me taking my broken heart, the most scarred and fragile part of me, and asking for help healing the bruises and wounds.

He thought I was rubbing his nose in it.

Does anyone else have issues with getting in these moods where you randomly feel like you NEED to get pierced or tatted?

I don't have any piercings other than ears and am a blank canvas. The only way I can get around this is to shave a line through my brow lol

I've even gone as far as to pierce my own septum before because of this.

When we first started talking she told me she felt ways about me she had never felt, I was always skeptical until she did tangible things that made me realize she truly did love me. And off the bat she told me about her traumas and the disorders she had. I not knowing as much as I do now, jumped into this relationship. Things moved really fast and we spent every day together, she would post me on everything, tell me I was this person that she felt made her want to be a better person. And in the time we were together I noticed change, but she stopped going to therapy. She had anorexia and she gained 20 lbs in the 4 months we had talked. Something she had not done for the past 7 years. She had an ex that she was with for 6 years prior to me and she said she never felt herself progressing with this ex, so she left. And she was single for some time and in that time she did things w other men. She had withheld this info from me when I would ask about her past, and she would lie about things, but eventually she would tell the truth after some time. I was always calm and understanding, because she had been through extremely traumatic things as a child dealing with grooming and “grape”. So I always gave her grace when she would wait to tell me these things. Over time she would split on me and tell me super mean things and threaten to leave. I was always understanding because I had done my research on this particular disorder. But there were times where I couldn’t continue to give her the space she needed all the time. Some arguments were so dumb, I felt the need to fix them in that moment. I had an anxious attachment so it made things worse. I was never aggressive or mean to her or called her any mean things, but I would try and lightly hold her arm to get her to stay with me and talk. She would turn around and tell me I was just like her abusers and that I should never lay my hands on a woman, I never grabbed her aggressively and I never hit her or threatened her. Over time it got worse and she would split constantly, I became accustomed to it but still felt the pain. In the end I ended up finding out the man that had groomed her would still reach out to her, she had lied about it not being that person because I had seen it in a screenshot she sent me. And I had gone to her house to ask her about it and confirm if she really was still in contact. She lied and lied and eventually admitted to it. She had already flipped and was making things worse than they had to be. Eventually it led to her threatening to call the police. Even though I never touched her, yelled at her, threatened her, throughout this entire sequence. I, feeling the way I did wanted to see what she was texting him so I tried to grab her phone and that led to her yelling for her dad. He came outside and I ended up telling her dad about what was going on, this guy had no idea these things had happened to his daughter when she was small. Only her mom and sister knew about it, and they also knew this guy would still reach out to her, and they did nothing. The dad knew nothing. The dad was the one that paid for her therapy when she was graped, he was the one that paid for her meds and visits to a psychiatrist. But he was not aware of what happened to her when she was a child. I’ve read a lot about these people putting you on a pedestal and then dumping you out of nowhere. But I found out through the only other guy she talked to before me that wasn’t her ex, that she never treated this guy the way she treated me. She would tell me she never liked this guy, that she could never see him romantically, that she never wanted to be his gf. And this guy confirmed all these things. Basically saying that it was one sided, she would ghost him, would tell him she didn’t want to be his gf, wouldn’t post him anywhere, basically she didn’t care for him. But with me I got a whole different girl. I got the most loving person I had ever met. So that confirmed to me that her love was real, at least that’s what I think. Since that night her and I have not spoken to each other, and I’m blocked on everything. I just want to know if this person will come back, and if I did the right thing by telling her dad about this man reaching out to his daughter still after all these years. How do you all feel like she would feel

I’m currently in college and it’s apparent to me that I have no plan for the future. I don’t know what I want to do, I don’t know what I enjoy, and I’m unsure where I want to go from here after graduating. I have next to none meaningful relationships in my life. Everyone has either abandoned me, or I’ve pushed them away and out of my life for good. I’ve tried over and over to make relationships, but the same things keep happening and deep down I know it’s my fault. I don’t even really want to keep going for myself. I genuinely hate and despise myself as a person, as I have no redeemable qualities and am generally just a pretty subpar person. I find it incredibly difficult to find any real happiness, pleasure, or satisfaction out of anything in my life, and the feel times I feel okay are ever fleeting. I’ve tried therapy, I’ve tried medication, I’ve tried going out of my comfort zone. But no matter what I feel so empty and without purpose, friends, and a reason to keep going. I find myself thinking about death often now, almost 24/7 and funnily enough it’s one of the few things that feels comforting to me anymore.

So I guess tldr: How have any of you found a meaning to your lives, is there anything that keeps you going still?

i have had my psychiatrist for almost 2 years. he diagnosed me with everything i have and is fine with me having bpd, he manages my meds. i need help trying to find a new psychiatrist and one that is fine with someone having bpd. does anyone have any recommendations on how to find someone who is fine with me having bpd / won't judge me for having it ? ive heard many horror stories of psychiatrists not taking patients with bpd seriously or just overall dismissing them and i don't want to experience that.

So my partner 27(W) had bpd. Just recently she went through a very traumatic experience with a loss of someone close to her. Me (24) have my own mental health struggles (I don’t burden her with them as I know and can see the challenges she faces day to day, well try too).

Moving on with the story. We had my nephews birthday planned the day she found out and to set up my mums Christmas tree with her. My partner she didn’t say anything so I thought she was fine to still go (as she really enjoys being around my family). I was sadly mistaken. Unfortunately she told me she had split on me the she cheated the next day with her old favourite person (well this is what I thought). She had told me I was her favourite person but we agreed she needed to love me not just the bpd so we could have a healthy relationship. suffer from depression, anxiety and adhd hence why we needed to make sure we were trying to build a healthy relationship as well as we could). I honestly thought we were really happy and from the research I had done I thought I was doing the right things to help her in the relationship. Anyway. She slept with him and now apparently he’s still her FP. She says she’s split on me but yet can still stand to be around me and I thought a big thing
With splitting is you can’t be near them and turns to “hate” not love. It’s nothing like that. She says she doesn’t want to leave me and she still loves me. I told her I understand that I didn’t realise she needed some time to herself and I’m sorry and I can understand how this happened. Her FP is a very toxic man but she can’t see that’s it’s an unhealthy attachment style. She says she needs to go through it again to realise and she will come back. I know I can’t save her by any means but I love her so much and I would walk through firer to help her. Because people with bpd deserve love too and I believe that whole heartedly. She knows it’s unhealthy but I just want the best for her.

Please help with advice

BPD is also nurtured when you grow up with strong emotions in an environment that doesn’t validate them. This can go hand in hand with trauma aswell.

But yeah, I realized that recently. I kinda always knew that, but I’ve never actually put it into words.

’m in therapy right now and my therapist does a really good job at pointing out when I invalidate my own feelings. I do it crazy often to a point where I don’t notice when I do it. My therapist told me to keep track of my emotions, which I forget to do but I know would help. But on top of that anyone else have ways they recognize and validate their own emotions? Hope this makes sense.

I never realized how much my feelings being invalidated growing up genuinely shaped me into how I behave now. It’s actually really interesting learning how things that occurred when I was a child/growing up affect me now. It’s like connecting the dots lol

When I was growing up, my grandma (who raised me) always told me that when it comes to relationships, one partner always loves more than the other. Looking back now that I am well into my thirties, I am realizing this bit of advice has had a rather negative impact on me. I am always wondering things like do i love so and so more? am i pushing them away? do they love me more and I am not giving them what they deserve? Anyway, this has messed with me for a long time.

I got triggered seeing my fp who is my best friend hanging out with one of his other friends in her bed. I just don't get how people have sexual experiences with each other and then everything is forgotten about it. like I know this can't be what the general population is doing you can't just make out and suck my titties and finger me and it not mean anything I'm drinking just to avoid a complete breakdown cause I work in the morning and need sleep and I'm trying not to think about it but their faces is all I see when I close my eyes

I've been with this guy 2 years now, I love and hate him to death and we are terrible for each other. we've broken up a thousand times now, our longest run was 4 months (but really we were enemies with benefits for most of it) every time I block him I unblock and come back to him. how do I sit in the pain and deal with it.

(Lmk if this isn't the place I should post this if anyone thinks this isn't the right spot. Ive just been thinking about this so fucking much and I wanted to kinda rant about it in a space where I'm guessing people will get what I'm talking about-)

Okay so. Sometimes I'll have these little freakouts where I wonder what the hell is wrong with me and I go into little deep dives online to try and figure out if I'm just nuts or something. Recently started researching BPD and symptoms of it and I'm just wondering if this would be enough for me to maybe go get checked out? Idk. (Also I have ADHD and I know there are some overlapping symptoms so I thought I should mention that)

Okay so here are the symptoms I thought really lined up with me

Fear of abandonment- I constantly worry that no one likes me. I can almost never believe anyone likes me, even my closest friends/relatives. I feel like I'm constantly being annoying to them, or that people are fucking with me by being my friend. It's hard for me to trust people's intent with being around me. If I'm dating someone I'm terrified they'll leave me at any moment. A "can you call" text will make me instantly spiral and I'll be SURE in my head that I'm going to get left until I'm proven otherwise. I'm always paranoid that people are talking shit about me behind my back, (this is most strong with my coworkers I genuinely can't tell if they hate me or if I'm just paranoid), or that people are only pretending to like me.

Unstable relationships- when I fall for someone I fall hard. Whether it's a friend or someone I'm romantically involved with. When I get a new friend sometimes there ALL I can think about. I center my attention around them, there my favorite person, I NEED to be there favorite person. They're perfect and can do absolutely no wrong. But I also get bored of those people quickly. I think sometimes my opinions of people flip like a light switch it's crazy. One moment I hate someone's fucking guts but then I'll have the briefiest conversation with them and they'll be great in my eyes again.

Unclear or shifting self image- I can go from loving myself and feeling literally on top of the world, to feeling like the most worthless sack of shit from one day to the next. Sometimes I'm awesome, sometimes I'm the worst person on this planet.

Impulvie/risk taking behaviors- idk how many of these even count so I'll just list them .I went into a tattoo shop to get 1 get what you get tattoo. Left with 2 new tattoos AND a new piercing (all of my piercings and tattoos have been impulsive) .Curently smoking and vaping (idk if this counts) .I drive like an ass hole .Currently on probation from getting caught smoking weed in my high schools parking lot I'm a very very impulsive person. If I have my mind set on doing something it has to be done THAT DAY. Not tomorrow or the next, THAT DAY. Also with risk, I often feel like I'm immune to getting caught. That I could never get caught doing something bad, and something bad could never happen to me.

Self harm suicide behavior- I won't go into detail but I'm currently struggling with this, have been for years.

Mood swings- I can go from feeling happy and content, to freaking out and having an episode in literal minutes. I feel like my mood swings the most when I'm alone.

Explosive anger- I feel like this has been more of an issue over the past few years. I don't think I'm a super super angry person maybe? But idk when I'm mad I'm pissed. And it'll be over stupid shit. My friend cancels our plans? I'll get SO fucking mad. I'll be so angry that I feel like nothing is ever going to fix it, I'm so angry that I'm going to feel like this forever and I'm never going to forget this, and I want to be a mean petty asshole. But my mood will switch if I get distracted (not always super easily). Another thing o get really mad at (this is really immature of me I'm embarrassed to admit this) is when I don't get my way with something or I'm forced to do something I don't want to do. Once again, I'm so angry nothing can fix it until something goes my way.

Chronic feelings of emptiness- sometimes I'll feel like a shell of someone. I feel like nothing, I feel like there IS nothing. I feel like nothing is ever going to fulfill me the way I want no matter what I try. And I feel like everything I've done to try and make myself happy is fucking stupid and pointless.

Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality- I think I've been dealing with this feeling for a couple years now? It hasn't been as bad recently but I've definitely had plenty of times where I've felt dissociated. I don't want to go into too much detail about it it'll just freak me out I hate it.

So those r just the main ones I've researched a little amount but I've connected other little symptoms to my day to day. The more and more I look things up about it the more I kinda think I have it? But idk, would love to know anyone's thoughts on this.

Soo my childhood was abusive but their is a small part the I miss and constantly wish I was back wtf is wrong with me I would even be ok if the abuse was back idk how to explain it

A lot of posts on here that have to do with hallucinating are all about hearing voices, but i’ve never seen anyone talk about hearing things in general. i always hearing message notifications sounds, ringing/ringtones or anything signaling a text/call. This usually happens everyday but more so when im stressed about fp or just in gen. Does anyone else hear things other than voices?

I took a gap year and started learning how to drive and do some self-help skills, it’s all a work in progress but i still have tons of downtime where i just talk on the phone, play games, or listen to music. I feel like the downtime might be helping my health but I’m not sure. The guilt is eating me alive and I feel like I’m wasting my life away. I want to get a job and school next fall.

Its the same cycle over and over. I get two-three months into a new job and after my good high is over with.. I crash. And I'm crashing hard right now. I'm so exhausted mentally. I'm spiraling into another major depressive episode and I can't stop it. I think I'll call out of work tomorrow but I really just wanna quit. I wanna just lay in bed and never leave it ever again. I wanna just rot away and never eat again. Please just let me die. Let me die god. Have a car hit me and kill me or something so it'd do my job for me because even trying to kill myself is too much effort anymore.

I'm so exhausted.

I'm a 24F undergrad, studying in a really...really demanding pharmacy college.

I've been delayed for graduation several times and that has led me to tag along with people four years younger than me. Ever since my original batchmates graduated, I've always felt so alone and isolated in the college like having friends was just another far-fetched possibility next to me graduating before I hit 30. But, anyway, I was able to find a group of friends anyway and most of them again have just turned twenty.

I know I've been terrible really, there's a horrible saying in our college that the rigorous demands in our academics in this specific college has the ability to bring out the absolute worst in people (i.e people have become overly competitive with one another, public shaming has become quite common since our college has a freedom wall so if someone is unable to pull their weight in group works or org work, they get crucified for it, mental health problems have become a silent pandemic too), so, yeah.

I've been recently diagnosed with BPD and I've been so unintentionally angry at everything and everyone for so long, that my friends have started to get affected. Following a traumatic incident in a lab class when my professor had publicly shamed me during a conference because his pretty little pet filed a complaint against me saying I wasn't pulling my weight in a laboratory capstone project (context: my uncle had been suffering from a heart ailment and I stood as his primary caregiver until he died not even halfway into the semester and I've informed the professors about this as being the primary reason for my absences), I feel like I've changed into an overly-sensitive, bitter and angry person in general.

And I know I've wrongfully used my friends as emotional punching bags. Scummy thing to do, I know, but I never asked for this. I never asked to be angry, and I never meant for all of this to happen. I wasn't like this before and even I am horrified at what I've become.

Anyway, this caused a serious meltdown in our group of friends just mere days before finals season (which is set to end next week), I've already talked to them individually and they all said that they'd wait for me to get things sorted out but will still welcome me when I'm finally better. I don't know how long I should give them space since clearly they're asking for it, I've tested the waters and during classes, we're not exactly ignoring one another, we're even joking around with each other and one of my friends even hugged me when I told her that I heard her and I'm taking measures to correct what needs to be corrected before I eventually rejoin them. They've expressed, through chat, that they still love me and told me to take care of myself while I take the time to recuperate.

But as someone with BPD, I'm still struggling with splitting episodes and while they've mentioned time and time again that they're not isolating me, one of my friends said that in his opinion, it might be better to approach them after finals season once everyone has properly rested from weeks of mental exhaustion. But I just feel like they're pushing me away, or are utterly repulsed by me (I could be splitting right now, I don't know, I'm seriously losing all hope for myself and for the people I love.).

And I know I've wrongfully used my friends as emotional punching bags. Scummy thing to do, I know, but I never asked for this. I never asked to be angry, and I never meant for all of this to happen. I wasn't like this before and even I am horrified at what I've become.

I’m under 18, which I know this subreddit tends to shame people who have bpd and are under age 18 but I really just need support. I feel insane and it feels like every community related to this disorder is 18+ so is there any way for me to meet people who think similarly to me in a place where I can be accepted?

I don't know if this is undiagnosed bpd of mine or clearly I have no self-aware that I'm annoying but I feel like I'm annoying and have constantly been with my fp (my bf). We're in a long distance and sometimes if he's away/busy/or asleep, I sent out reels to him. I message him first, saying good morning everytime I wake up, goodnight when I head back to sleep. But as time goes on, I noticed a pattern that he's slowly not responding to my texts. I thought he's busy still but my mind wonders that he may have muted me temporarily. I often seen him being active on Messenger but has not seen my messages yet and this makes me worry or worse — having a breakdown.

Am I being too much with him? I just wanna talk with him and it seems to me he's not reciprocating to me :(

I’m sorry if you can relate to this post. But growing up, I’ve realized why I have so many emotional and deep rooted issues. My family. This will be very long.

I know it’s not 100% their fault. But they have a big chunk of it. My idea of what love is developed by learning what love isn’t. That is a harsh reality.

I was born into a family of narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths. I always wondered why I was treated differently. Both my immediate and extended family. My extended family couldn’t have cared less about me. I wasn’t a pretty child and I was pretty quiet and sweet, which really made me unlovable to them. And I guess I reminded them a lot of my dad, which they hated….for valid reasons.

Unfortunately, since I’m like this, I was used, especially by my mom and siblings, for emotional support. But they couldn’t be there for me emotionally. Heck, there was both emotional neglect and abuse. And I was called weak for showing emotions. Emotions didn’t matter unless it was theres. Our family was built on superficial and materialistic love, hate, no trust, and unsafe spaces. A lot of childish adults.

So yes, I grew up feeling unworthy, unlovable, ugly, too emotional, and just felt like something was fundamentally wrong with me. I was so naive and just was desperate for someone to love me, so I overly trusted people hoping they would accept and love me. People always took advantage of me without caring. Anyone who showed interest, I latched onto, which scared a lot of people away. I became emotionally dependent on others really fast. I obsessed over love interests and didn’t feel whole unless I had someone, which was mostly never. I was really toxic and emotionally manipulative. I was so neurotic. And I would become enraged when feelings weren’t reciprocated. And even attempt to take my own life, multiple times. This is how I got my bpd diagnosis at 21 years old, a bit more than 6 years ago.

Before you think something is inherently wrong about you, look at your surroundings. It’s not you. It’s your environment. The very people who were supposed to protect and love you were the very people who let you down the most. Who made you feel like the world is unsafe. And now you have to suffer and be in agony. Now you have to fix what you didn’t break. Now you have to try to pick up all the millions of shattered pieces of your heart and somehow put them back together.

But the good news is, this doesn’t have to be forever. You have more power than you think. You have the power to create a life worthwhile. The magic is, our brains are plastic, meaning we can unlearn and learn things. But you have to be honest with yourself. You have to accept that your past happened, but know that it doesn’t define you. It wasn’t your fault. You have to accept you are toxic now and could possibly be abusive. You can develop a more secure attachment style. You can love yourself and others healthily. You can grow out of being toxic. You can trust others again. You can know when it’s time to step away from people who aren’t good for you. You can enforce boundaries. You can be happy.

Now, I’m not saying I’m fully healed. But I can say I love myself, I think I’m absolutely beautiful, I am confident, I am emotionally independent, I have boundaries, I’m not a people pleaser anymore, I can recognize toxic people, and I have so much respect for myself. This is coming from a person who was diagnosed with BPD, Major Depressive Disorder, social anxiety, generalized anxiety, CPTSD, and agoraphobia. I was on 6 different meds. I’ve been to the hospital 7 times since I turned 18 (last time was 2020). I engaged in SH a lot. I hated myself so much. I still have a lot of work to do, but the progress I’m making is unbelievable. Considering where I came from and the pain I had/have, you can do it too. I am no longer on meds (except a low dose anxiety med when needed. I replaced them all with herbal supplements and vitamins). I don’t SH. My SI went away. I’ve lost all emotional attachment to my family, which saved my life. I’m not saying you have to take that drastic step. But consider enforcing strict boundaries.

If you made it this far, thank you for reading. I hope you find peace soon.

everyday since i started my classes again i feel so drained and tired to the point as soon as i come home i can’t get out of bed for the rest of the day till i pass out. i haven’t been able to play on my pc or anything like that since im just so exhausted. is it a bpd thing? i feel like i shouldn’t be this tired over being in class for 2 hours a day.

Hey guys I am seeking advice from anyone with Bpd who has a partner with adhd. My partner has adhd. He’s the one who made me consult the psychiatrist who diagnosed me as having bpd. I know that he loves me very much. Currently we are living together. Any advices that I can take to keep ourselves happy? Both of us are on medication and I am doing CBT btw. Please give me suggestions

okay here is what i’m going to type out and i’m going to be very honest here since this is anonymous “sometimes i feel like the world is against me. people i can’t trust are here. and sometimes when i make mistakes i don’t actually care who i hurt. but also i feel like is this true about me? or do i want this to be me? i’ve read online about borderline and i was recommended psychiatry and meds/ and a DBT therapist but i never did. because what if i’m just faking all of this and i’m actually normal but i don’t want to be. what if i’m lying to myself. i feel better during the day when i am by myself. i think i’m vulnerable and i let people walk all over me and i don’t care cause it makes them happy. later on i actually think about it. i lie about so many things so i can get my way and i don’t feel bad. i lie about intense life events that never actually happened and i don’t feel bad. because i want people to stay in my life. i don’t want anyone to leave. i try to be like other people because i don’t think i know who i am and what i like. and when i think about things that actually i was never hurt about but have been told that i have the right to be hurt about, i feel bad for myself and how pathetic i can be for letting other people hurt me and my heart just feels heavy like i’m about to cry. sometimes i feel a lot of guilt and that makes me want to die cause i feel bad like i’m about to lose a lot of people or just one particular person i depend on and then i convince myself i shouldn’t feel that way and it’s okay i hurt them and i shouldn’t care and move on cause this is who i am. i’m very conflicted with myself. am i typing this because i think it’s easier to think that i struggle with mental health and so i should make it more obvious/victimize myself/justify myself or are all these thoughts and feelings real. dont actually know if i felt anything typing this except for curiosity i guess”

another thing

“i sleep with a lot of people impulsively. it’s risky behaviour especially when it comes to unprotected sex, i also feel like one of the only things i like to do is have sex and be performative about it. a lot of men and women love it and i love the teasing and validation. i don’t necessarily enjoy that much from it except that i can be like a porn star and please another person. when i was in the 6th grade, i started taking dirty videos of myself and masturbating to it. this is a weird thing to share but i don’t understand much about myself and i was hoping maybe yall can help”