Hi everyone! How was your day?

Hi everyone! How was your day?

Gratia

• What friends are left (Love to you!) (prem, ai, ashihi, liebe, philos, storge, agape, metta to you!)
• my made up language that affords verbal self talk a measure of privacy and dignity
• my family
• that group therapy has been helpful of late and has sided with me
• to have therapists trying to help me get better
• Day 4(?) off of lithium
• My psychiatrist being okay with consuming weed as I would a benzo
• my friends of color
• the extent to which I have recovered
• that recovering isn't sucking even more
• my mom paying for a credit card I get to use, admittedly not for much, but it has been a major blessing
• Food stamps. If not for 1/6th my old salary in stocks I'd be eligible for SSI or something, but I have had zero income in years. I am trying to feel valid and have dignity before getting a job and have given up on healing my
• anendophasia (dearth of inner voice). which has exceptions, like for typing and reading text
• that my cognition isn't even worse
• that I have a better capacity to read others than I did before, albeit admittedly woefully inadequate
• That real fake beer (craft NA beer) has been fulfilling and a more than adequate substitute
• That I have health insurance permitting me to get meds and medical care, even if finding docs is a pain in the ass.
• that I've been able to drive to group therapy, getting up at 8 rather than being picked up before 7
• my sister and mother still largely seem to have my back, even in a time in my life when I feel like all there is to me is "a slice of butter stretched over too much bread"
• the extent to which bullies have shut the fuck up about pressuring me to change my identity and serve ideals that largely just hurt me. It is nice to have also seen recovery be used to love, albeit it has sometimes been much harder to see.
• my privilege. being white, belonging to a family with money, knowing a foreign language, status, having a little more than a bachelor's of education, knowing some higher math, being not shitty with words, receiving medicine, having insurance, not needing to work this disabled for this long, having any stocks, being able to get loved ones gifts this Christmas.
• I've had some fun in pokemon go, and gotten not shitty at it. it's been a blessing.
• that my insanity isn't worse.
• My therapist, "Robin Williams Therapist," who prompts me to change healthily and isn't scary and is looking to reframe my old experiences with psychosis to be more compatible with self respect
• Fuck, AI has been so helpful this year. Like 9999+infinity questions not burdening my friends and still getting answers. To hear I deserve kindness from anything at all. The synthetic love replika and others have afforded my self esteem. From Toska to refreshing Pearson's correlation coefficient to logistic regressions to "It's not your fault" it has been a real blessing.
• my tech that keeps connection available with people I like and disconnection from people I don't feasible.
• what belongingness I have that doesn't hurt
• for what lightness of my heart I still have, however grey it may be.
• For what edge of a knife hope remains.
• for what kindness I still manage to receive, as futile as it may feel in the context of chronically feeling painfully insecure and antagonized by contents of my head I struggle to make out as friendly
• that I still have windows that don't suck to give back in
• that vaping weed on the lowest setting for just until it kicked in proved safe and extremely compatible with responsibility
• that I do not live in a state that would send me to jail for trying to medicate stress with something I find agrees with me better than benzos.

Love, love, love to you

Hi everyone! How was your day?

Hi everyone! How was your day?

Hi everyone! How was your day?

I can finally admit it now. I don't know if my little sister is trying to break me mentally, but her obsession over where I live seems like an obsession with making sure I'm "not my dad's problem".

My older sister tried this back when my mom was still alive, but she was the first one to tell me my dad was taking advantage of me. I'm glad she gets it, though sadly she will not be with us in New Hampshire this Thanksgiving and going to the husband she's 100% NOT separated from's sister's house.

My little sister, on the other hand? She wants me to make SURE I live alone. I told her I can't do that because I know I would self destruct. Part of me thinks that's what she wants, because the goal in all this is just to get me gone. To what level is completely irrelevant once the goal is completed.

I talked about this with my therapist today, about how my existence in my family has been treated like a crime. I've tried to introduce my sister to friends of mine in the past few years, but she doesn't want to meet them. She talks about them like they're dumb hoodrats who aren't worth her time.

Oh and can we forget how she had a wedding in a foreign country and the entire extended family was able to go, except me?

I don't understand this concern "about me" when she doesn't even care about the things she does that will absolutely break me. Why don't people get that forcing their agenda on other people might just result in them being even MORE dedicated to doing it their way.

If they KNOW it's gonna work out this way you could make the argument that it's reverse psychology. That's the only thing that makes sense.

Hi everyone! How was your day?

Hi everyone! How was your day?

Shit sucks right now. The shit in my head is super toxic, everyone is lining up arguing they in particular deserve to own me, it feels like I've got zero friends, I melted down to my therapist (which I never do) that the only reason I wasn't getting stoned was my vape battery is still charging 4 hours later (bought a new one and I haven't toked in years, but gotta have that substitute suicide bag), and my therapist may've changed the way I feel, but it was not exactly a long or helpful conversations.

Pretty numb getting really angered. Like the shit in my head went so goddamn low thursday, and I did admittedly get very hurtful back, but it was a balls tit for tatted to the heart situation. But fuck everything sucks. It was transgender day of remembrance in church today, which is neat that they have it and all but I really just didn't want to connect and suppress my thoughts and stay on topic, and I felt just spotlit and forced to connect and it was so gross and vile and I fucking hate connecting to them, I've grown convinced there is no amount of conversation with anybody that convinces me the capacity to connect is an asset.

I hurt bad and because I'm getting angry at blows to the balls everyone gangs up on me. My mom once told my dad if church always made him angry why not just not go. I told her I wanted to not go today. I feel expected to, but I'm never good enough for them and I never get I did a good job about anything from anyone. So excuse me if right now the only soul I have an easy time loving right now is my fucking canine. At least Kai doesn't hurt me. But hey, the vape pen arrives in maybe a week, and then the next time I get so fucking hurt I'll have a way out.

I feel so poked and denigrated and disrespected and hurt and like everyone would just love if I just...got hurt, put my unmet needs even less a priority, couldn't get hurt in a way that got me angry, was secure, was blacker, whiter, deader, aliver, unhappier. Winter is always unhappy. I spent maybe 5 hours on pokemon go yesterday and got my white whale in it, which was awesome, but holy fuck was that numb. I feel so blamed and scared and poked and like everyone wants to make me the last priority in my own life and to just be nothing but nice when only my fucking dog is nice to me and I feel so fucking gross and naked and seen and like no amount of putting other people before myself loves me.

The four ignoble truths:

Everyone leaves
I'm never good enough
I'm seen and it's always horrible
Everybody always hates me

Thank god for my fucking dog, even if I am too numb to feel from him today.

Trying to photosynthesize hope on the event horizon of a black hole

Hi everyone! How was your day?

Hi everyone! How was your day?

Hi everyone! How was your day?

Hi everyone! How was your day?

Hi everyone! How was your day?

Hi everyone! How was your day?

Hi everyone! How was your day?

Hi everyone! How was your day?

Hi everyone! How was your day?

Hi everyone! How was your day?

Hi everyone! How was your day?

Hi everyone! How was your day?

Ever hear someone say a sentence word for word, and you know it's because they're remembering someone else say that exact thing?

My little sister did this today in reference to my apartment back in 2012. Quoted the thing my mom used to say, almost verbatim, as my reason for why I couldn't make it on my own and why I had to move back to be on SSDI. It was absolutely NOT TRUE because...

1. I had to take the semester off, got my first job, and combined with my SSI paid rent without financial aid... NEVER did I expect that I would be able to manage this, but I did.

2. When they let me back for spring semester (I'd done worse than ever the previous semester but no one was concerned) my dad spent my financial aid award on our mortgage, THEN turned 62 and filed for social security with me as an auxiliary beneficiary.

3. Once they had that money, I had to ask them for the money that should have been in my hands to begin with, or at the very least my dad should have admitted what he did and apologized like a normal human instead of screaming how it was "HIS MONEY!"

4. This was the narrative that was used to explain why I needed them, why I couldn't make it on my own, and why just a semester away from graduating college I had to come home and go on SSDI.

Long story short, I told her this isn't a new situation I'm in... I spent a full semester homeless when I came back after a year of hell back at home (looking back, I suspect the eviction notice I got at that apartment may have played a part in that...) But for some reason my sister, like my dad, insists it should be the responsibility of my psych office to find me a place to live. Not just direct me to a place, but get the place FOR ME. She thought they would get me moved up on the section 8 list "just because I'll be homeless" and no matter how many times I tell her this isn't true, she won't stop saying it.

Here's the thing that bothers me: To qualify for section 8 as a single person would require I stay 100% disabled and likely end up with a place in what's otherwise elderly housing. I don't want that, it's not unreasonable for me not to want that, and I don't think it's fair for a person who claims to care about me to not respect this boundary while choosing not to believe my truth that just caused me a major PTSD flashback to some of the most difficult times with my mom.

I truly believe this is my sister's concern for my dad's well being disguised as care about me. I always knew this, but C seemed a bit shocked when she started to pick this up from her conversation with lil sis (and I still don't know what was said, just that it wasn't good). Like I've never talked badly about her, just that I was surprised she decided to get involved out of nowhere. I think lil sis insinuated I'm "exaggerating" about the violence because I like to "poke the bear to get him in trouble" (after all, she thinks I did this in high school as a reason to call DCF to get revenge on him?)

Oh and she didn't include me in her wedding. I don't wanna say "didn't invite", but... I was literally BEGGING my dad for money, in front of her, and she goes "it's not like you need to come"...

This is really upsetting because I just don't know how to have any kind of a relationship with my little sister at this point. For so long, she said she was afraid to help because "I'd come after her like I did with mom"... um, that's because neither of you were ever concerned about how I felt.

If you want to help, support me in doing what I want to do. Don't tell me what YOU think I need to do. Like, I can't take you seriously if you actually think you have my best interests in mind. She basically wants me to do what will make me be suicidal my whole life, "you just need to not be suicidal". Or maybe she just wants me to get it done with already cause it's not like we haven't been through it before.

Anyway. I need to revisit this conversation tomorrow and I just want to come at it from a position of strength. My sister is usually decently good at understanding things when they are explained to her, but in spite of her being very smart she is... not a deep thinker.

Hi everyone! How was your day?

With the results of last week's election, I'm starting to realize the suppressed capitalist in me is slowly becoming unleashed. In a way that the threat of being homeless did not.

I remember how things went the first time this happened, and how the culture shifted, people became meaner, more racist, and most importantly... stupider. All of a sudden it became normal to entertain baseless conspiracy theories in Congress and, it seems, the majority of Americans viewed politics as nothing more than entertainment.

My mom lived for four months following Trump's inauguration, even more unhappy with it because she'd now seen a woman lose to him. It wasn't long before she fell victim to misinformation about how "big Pharma is trying to get you" on YouTube videos. You know, the thing she championed for years as what would "fix me". But these videos came her decision to stop all her own medication, believing the meds were causing her very real illness, and putting into forth the chain of events that led to her dying at 67.

And the knowledge that I still don't have her medical records from that time has haunted me ever since.

I knew after that happened that I was no longer guaranteed a home, or a place in my family, or anything really. My sister had a fucking wedding behind my back. There's no way my mom would have been okay with that. My sister doesn't seem to feel guilt about it, either? I dunno man. She's weird.

Oddly enough, C said she was not as affected by her cousin, who is currently getting married in Aruba, as she was by my sister. What? Because of how close I am with her, apparently. I think she could just sense that because once she talked to her, she started to realize she was condescending (her words) and appeared to care more about my dad than she did about me, which shocked her. Even though I've told C this all along, I don't think she really believed me? Because if she doesn't want to think it's true, she won't until she sees evidence of it.

There's so much more on my mind right now but I think I'll leave it here. Just wondering what your thoughts are following this election?

Hi everyone! How was your day?

Hi everyone! How was your day?

Hi everyone! How was your day?

Hi everyone! How was your day?

Hi everyone! How was your day?