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Trigger warning for sexual torture, incest, child trafficking, and genital mutilation.

I rarely see my therapist. As a teen my dad would continuously tell me that I don't need a therapist and that I can just get over my depression and ptsd. And as a result I struggle with seeing my therapist because I feel like I don't need it. But my PTSD towards my CSA has been really messing with me so I decided to see my therapist. I slightly talked about my trauma to her around a year ago vut didn't say much. This appointment I went into specific stories that I get constant flashbacks to.

I told her about the story where >!I was 7 and my aunt trafficked me to a man who almost killed me and afterwards my aunt beated and physically tortured me for being "too loud".!<

!And I mentioned the other story where when I was around 5 or 6 my aunt took a small lighter and burned my vaginal opening with it. And then another memory when I was 4-6 and my aunt would assist my grandfather in raping me and would even rape me herself. She would take random objects she found in the home and would rape me with them until I bled. And she would laugh at me and mock me as I would cry, scream, and thrash in pain.!< Those are newer memories that I started re-remembering and had been too much for me. And I think it was a lot for her too because she covered her mouth and was close to crying over me just casually talking about it like it wasn't that bad and unlike the other memory I didn't cry while talking about it. I don't know why I struggle so badly with not crying when talking about my trauma.

Anyways the last one I REALLY struggle with because even though they affect me really badly I keep denying it happened. >!Especially that I don't have any physical marks from it left other than a couple lacerations/complete clefts around where my hymen should be (the burn marks aren't even there anymore).!< But she supports me and told me she believes me and that memory repression is a thing. Which definitely made me feel a lot better. I never talked about these memories with anyone because I fear that I wouldn't be believed especially with how horrific and violent it is. Especially with the genital mutilation part I feel really alone on that (especially with my specific case because it's less talked about than what you hear about going on in other countries). But that appointment made me feel a lot better and even helped me calm myself before work.

My parents divorced when I was 3 years old, shortly after my brother was born. My dad had us on weekends from that period until I was 12, and during some of our school days off as well. My mom was young when she had me (only 17) and my dad was almost 30. It was planned, mostly by him. Mom got pregnant with my brother about 5 months after I was born. She wanted to terminate but he would not let her. So after the birth they got divorced because he wanted more kids, so I was told at the time. She told me as an adult that it was actually because he was into weird sexual things that she would not participate in... And so my story begins.

20 years ago I was in 5th grade. We went through sexual education at that age where we learned about SA and abuse. Until that day I never had a word to describe those things, as they were not taught to me as a child. My father has been doing those things to me my entire life at that point. I hated every day with him, but I was taught that you trust your family and obey your parents.

But once I learned that I could stop it, I did. That very day in 5th grade I told my school counselor with the help of some friends and I never had to see him again. He took a plea deal in court and plead guilty. I only made one short statement and never had to go to court. I had therapy for 5 sessions after that and then my mom stopped taking me. No one in my family ever brought it up again. I struggled for years and only in the last 5 years got to a healthy place mentally. I forgave him (for my own sanity) and I put it behind me.

My father was released from prison one week before my 18th birthday. His mother, who defended him and called me a liar, let him move in with them. They had other young children living with them also. I convinced myself that he had repented and was better and I put it behind me.

Until 2 years ago when I got a phone call from the police asking me if I would participate in another trial against him for doing it again to a cousin that I don't even know. And I said no. I had always regretted that I never got a chance to tell people the full story of what happened to me. And I had convinced myself that I would always do anything I ever could to help someone else in my same situation. But the moment that I got that call everything changed, I was terrified and I wanted nothing to do with it.

But again, one week before my birthday, I received a subpoena in the mail to participate in the trial. I didn't want to help and so they court ordered me so that I would have to. I went to their office and spoke to the attorney and gave my full statement. I spoke to the defense attorney as well and gave another. I told them things about what had happened that I have never told a single person in my entire life. And now I have to go to court and sit in a room and see him and say it all over again.

I feel so ashamed for the fact that they are having to force me. I feel so ashamed that I was not willing to step up and do good for a helpless child that is in the same position I was. And I'm ashamed of the fact that I feel hateful towards all of these people for putting me in this position. At this point the only thing keeping me going is knowing that if he gets stuck with it this time people from prison for life.

And I can't help but wonder if I'm a bad person. Looking back to myself as that 12 year old child, I think I would have died if I knew that someone could help me and chose not to. It's hard to convince myself that choosing to protect myself it's not the same as choosing to protect him. I just feel so lost.

Today I was getting a professional massage and everything was feeling amazing! Until he asked me (f) to roll over on my back (facing up). Suddenly I was overcome with panic. He covered my eyes with a hot towel, and I focused on breathing so he couldn’t tell. But it definitely triggered all kinds of flashbacks from youth. I think the edible certainly enhanced the entire experience because it was extremely overwhelming. I walked away with very confusing feelings.

I'm constantly having memories and flashbacks of my abuses. It's making me feel so awful and depressed. I hate remembering what they did to me. It's feels like my own mind is torturing me by having me constantly remember what happened, making me relive it over and over again. It won't stop. The body memories are the worst, where I can actually feel it happening, feel them on me, touching me, hurting me, calling me names, telling me I deserve it. When will it stop? I hate this so much. It just won't stop. I hate myself so much. I hate seeing myself. I hate being in my body. I just want it to stop. I can't take it anymore. I already lived through it, and now I have to continuously relive it. I can't get a break. Even when I sleep, I don't get a break because all I do is have nightmares of it. I can't escape it. I feel like I'll never be able to escape my abusers and I'll never be able to move on from what happened to me. I'm forever broken. They used me and ruined me and now I won't ever be normal again.

Trigger warning for online abuse/trauma/grooming and sexual activities with children.

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Sorry I dont know what to write or even what to say and really don't want to waste this valuable service's time.

I'm a 30 year old man and have been speaking about some childhood experiences with my therapist and they have suggested a degree of sexual trauma, I dont know, I guess I wanted to make sense of whether what I experienced is 'sexual trauma' or 'sexual abuse' or if i'm overracting and tying connections where there might not be any or maybe just to let it out into the light...

The short story is I have been exposed to sexual stuff and porn and online sexual content from a very young age. I remember being as yougnas a 6-7 and talking about sexual things with my friends who were roughly the same as age as me or a year or so older. I even remember us 'measuring' each other, going swimming and feeling each other's genitals and stuff aruond this. I also remember watching porn online and going on random chats chatting to much older men as early as 7. By 10-11 I was exposing myself on online videochats to older men and this honestly has carried on for my entire childhood and my adult life too. I have also seen probably all sorts of pornography from the most tame to the most graphic (though never anything illegal or involving children). However, I was not forced to do any of this, I do not belive I was groomed, blackmailed or threatened or anything like that. It has always been from me, even though I knew this was wrong and it always felt wrong, I never stopped and if anything always sought it out. I guess it always felt like I was a secret pervert my entire life. I know children can't consent and what kind of adult would see this child online and ask for pics or even compliment them. But even so it never felt like I was being convined or forced to do anything I didnt want to do, and it never felt personal.

I have a wonderful family and my parents have always had conversations about 'online safety' and what's appropriate and what isnt, stimulated me to speak to them about anything that was wrong, etc, but I imagine back in the day the internet was quite new and I had much more access than I should have although they tried to set limits and control this the best way they could, I could always circumvent it and find a way to go do these innapropriate things online without them knowing.

When I was around 11, I didnt have many friends at school and was very close friends with this girl from my class, who was also kind of a loner nerdy kid. We spoke a lot online and then in my 11 year old brain, I though I'd create a fake msn account and introduce her to this fake account as if this was my friend. I basically catfished her into thinking I had a cool friend who was in a band and stuff. Then at the time this girl developed a crush on this 'fake persona' and sometimes there were some conversations that took a sexual nature. I also think at the time we might have shared some pornographic images (from the internet, not of ourselves - thinks like hentai). However nothing actually happened between us, we never sent photos to each other, we never had any sort of sexual relation or incidents in real life. But I guess I was coercive and was probably an abuser then, or felt like it, I honestly don't know.

From this fake relationship, her mother rightfully got concerned and involved the police and as I had introduced her to this 'friend' I was called by the police to make a statement, etc. This was really scary as an 11 year old, immigrant, in a catholic family. My parents found out though never knew (and still don't know) of the extent of it (with me catfishing her). I remember crying daily and thinking I was going to go jail or deported, my parents getting lawyers involved, the atmosphere at home being awful and all of it was terrifying. I knew I was fundamentally fucked up and this was all my fault, because I was never forced to it or coerced or anything, I've just been drawn to this.... At the end of it, the police just wanted to make sure there were no paedophiles or online predators involved and closed the case as children stupid online. The girl ended up starting to cut and would threaten me and send me messages saying she would kill herself if I dindt speak to her, I ended up getting suspended for cursing at her once in school, and I think the whole thing was extremely toxic from both ends, though we were both kids, I honestly dont know what to make of it. I distanced myself from that girl, she moved schools a year later and we never spoke again.

Fast forward to a year after, I guess I had always been attracted to men but I guess I started to explore this more irl?. Stupidly, one day after school was talking about 'sexual things' with a boy from my class after school whilst waiting for our parents to pick us up. One thing lead to another and we both ended up masturbating next to each other in the school grounds and ''hidden''. We were both caught and expelled. This was once again really traumatizing and my parents were very disapointed and I felt very punished and awful, and like this hidden awful fucked up little pervert self had been found out again. They made me look for which school I would move to next and I ended up moving schools. In a way I made this concious decision to never let them down again, and be this exemplary child. I never spoke to anyone from my old school again and started a completely new persona. I worked really hard to be that perfect child, got excellent grades, top of my class, made close friendships, decided I wanted to go to university, went to medical school, etc, and we never talked about those things ever again.

However, in the background I was still engaging in these really risky behaviours through all of my childhood, going on online chats and videochats and exposing myself to much older men, and feeling terrible shame and guilt afterwards, but in a way that I could not stop it. There must be thousands of nudes of me in the darkweb from all ages. Though there wasn't a particular individual or person that 'groomed me' per se or even anyone I developed a 'personal relationship with' it was all very random, and very much led by me and my own actions I guess. I guess I've always been almost addicted to it and have continued to do it (I have never exposed myself or interacted with a minor and am very careful with ensuring this), but the shame that comes from exposing myself and seeking this out has been fragmenting me this whole time. I ended up living this double life where I am a very successful adult, who portrays himself as very caring and am in a amazing relationship with a man who I genuinely love (and my parents don't because he's a man.. but thats a whole separate issue). But also feel completely addicted to this online shit and use it almost to regulate my emotions. I do these things when i'm sad or upset or conflicted, never when im actually aroused or horny, and then I feel really awful about it.

This has then bled into other aspects of my life. I dont know if it's this or not but I've multiple episodes of depression and overwhelming anxiety for most of my life. My self esteem is really low, I hate myself, I feel like a complete fraud and just a fake persona. I have no idea who I truly am and in a way am really scared that my actual self is this fucked up pervert selfish asshole. I have so much guilt and am constantly trying to please everyone. I have pretty poor emotional regulation, self control and binge eat to the point of numbness often, I hate my body and have struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember, I deal very badly with any form of failure yet always set myself up for failure, I struggle with real life intimacy with partners (and I've honestly only slept with 4 diferent people my whole life, but sex feels like a performance, something I must do in a relationship, something I actualy rarely truly want).

I guess I just wanted to get it all out there, I don't even know if it is sexual abuse, or trauma or assault or whatever. I tried speaking to an online sexual assault helpline and they told me because it was all willingly they couldnt help me, which I guess makes sense. But I dont know, I dont know what I'm after and sorry to waste your time if you've read this far, I just feel really rough now, I think its from having spoken about it briefly in therapy, but I thought, in the most ironic 'very me' fashion, would come and see what online strangers had to say about it. thanks

Discovering that my whole life was a calculated lie. My mum a child bride at 17 swiped up by a dangerous 20 year old predator when she was 16. Used while he saw her behind his age-appropriate girlfriend's back. My mum was a late developer and slim so he was obviously attracted to her pubescent body.

She got pregnant with me. Shot gun wedding. I always thought that, although he was emotionally and physically violent with me, he did the "right thing" and at least married her.

But they birthed a sex toy. I'm just discovering this at 49.

I was a beautiful little girl with big blue eyes and blonde hair. I loved engaging with people and seeing their faces light up in my presence. But I was told I talked too much. Closed down. Spirit crushed. Humiliated, shamed, the butt of all the "we were only joking" crap.

He blew his cover trying it on with me when I was in my late thirties. Twice. I sunk into PTSD. I knew he had always been attracted to me sexually after that. But with no memories of the abuse at the time, I persuaded myself he was so cruel and violent with me to distance himself from what ever was going on in his pants.

4 weeks ago, a therapist called out my adopted narrative. And afterwards, it all clicked into place. It was like I'd been living in an optical illusion all my life and I now saw the real picture. It explained EVERYTHING. Totally. All their behaviour to keep it secret. Keeping me away from the GP when I had the latest of many urine infections.

Me, my mum and my sister were all victimised. Incest runs in the paternal line and neglect in the maternal one. Plus she grew up with an alcoholic and a mother with MH issues who killed herself when I was one years old.

I was 6 ISH for definite when they gave me to my grandad without my sister. And my dad was at it too. I have dream like fragments where I'm watching creepy beginnings from elsewhere in the room. Then blanks. It was so severe I have massive swathes of amnesia. Identity issues, social isolation, substance abuse and few connections to the world.

I have come a long way since estrangement over his adult stuff. I assumed he was into teens. It's so shocking, horrifying, ghoulish, depraved and disgusting I can't quite believe though I know it is true 100%.

I am a normal, lovely person. Compassionate, empathetic, kind and friendly. All the opposite of the messages I had growing up. I have zero shame. I was bred this way as literally nothing but a body for them to use.

Trigger warnings: discussion of CSA, incest, and self harm

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I'm trying to figure out whether this is a legitimate concern or if I'm making something out of nothing. As background, I've had bad mental health my whole life, I've been cutting since high school, I've always struggled with intense self loathing, suicidal ideation etc. I've been diagnosed with GAD, depression, OCD by various doctors but other doctors have told me that I don't meet the criteria for those diagnoses, so it's always been a mystery to me why I struggle so much, and I've always blamed myself (i.e. I'm just lazy, I just want to be victim etc.). Last year, a situation with my mom prompted me to read adult children of emotionally immature parents, and from there I did more reading/watching videos/talking to my therapist and I've been able to look at my life in a new way and realize that my stuff is related to trauma. I was molested when I was 4 by a 12yo neighbour, but I never thought that it was that big of a deal, at least not in a way that would affect me now, because it was only once, he was also a kid, and I don't feel really upset when I think about it, it more feels like something that happened to someone else. There's also a lot of guilt tied up in the whole thing because I've always wished that what happened was worse so it could be an explanation for why I am the way I am, without a reason it's hard not to feel like I'm like this because I'm just a bad person. In the last year I kind of came to the conclusion that that experience combined with ill equipped parents is what led to my symptoms.

Okay now on the purpose of this post! I have sometimes wondered (and more often in the last year since processing all this stuff) whether my dad was sexually off in my childhood. I've had recurring dreams about having sex with him since I was a teenager, but this in itself I feel like isn't anything because this is a common dream trope (according to google) and doesn't necessarily mean anything. But I also have a vivid memory of being little and cuddling with him in my underwear, and I remember him putting his fingers under the waistband, and I remember feeling weird about it. Since I've been an adult, he's said things about his sex life that have made me really uncomfortable, like why are you sharing that with me. I sometimes feel really intense disgust and hatred towards him, like an intensity that kind of comes out of nowhere and then it will go away. Also, I've always been fascinated and excited by stories about incest and csa, but I feel like this could be because of what happened with my neighbour. And lastly I realized recently that my favourite porn actor looks a lot like my dad. Sorry all of this is so fucked up. Does any of this sound like anything? I'm worried that I'm making things up so I'll feel more justified in struggling with my mental health if that makes sense?

tw ahead for incest, cocsa, etc.

i have been wanting to tell people irl, but it feels like there’s this barrier that’s stopping me from doing it. i think i’m ready to tell my therapist but i’m so scared of any negative response or of someone not believing me.

the thing is, i feel like what happened to me sounds crazy. i mostly remember being approached by my brother and his friend (older neighbor boy) and them being excited about this “game” they wanted me to play. the game was where i was a “sex slave”, and they were my “masters/owners”. i had to do everything they said and be a good ‘slave’ for them. they told me that when i was bad, i’d be chained up in the basement and whipped. i knew this was a game, though, so i knew they wouldn’t actually do this to me (but i had nightmares of it and to this day get scared when i do something wrong).

i don’t recall if they’ve done anything sexual to me. i’m sure they could have. being a “slave” and playing the “game” made me go to a weird mental place that i now recognize (as an adult) as a sort of subspace. i’m so ashamed of this. is it even possible for a child so young to go into a mindspace like that?? i let go of myself and let them just tell me what to do. it is a mindset that sometimes just comes over me, uncontrollably, and i feel so lost without a “master” to tell me what to do. it disgusts me. i feel broken and messed up.

the thing is, this heavily affected me, plus my dad telling me that if they hadn’t adopted me i’d probably be a sex slave (because im afab). it’s part of my identity, at this point. but i have never been able to explain this to people because it SOUNDS crazy!!! i have never met anyone who had a similar story. and i feel so dreadfully alone in it. i feel like what happened to me is so weird and insane that it can’t have been real. that i must be making it all up. but i don’t want this!!! i’m so confused. i don’t tell anyone because it sounds so unbelievable. and i barely even believe it myself.

A quick summary is that I was repeatedly molested and r*ped by multiple people at a young teen. I reported them to the local sheriff's office a few years later. They assigned my case to a deputy, who pretended to be doing things and eventually ghosted me. It was a very traumatic and humiliating experience. I had given them so many names of witnesses and this could have been a slam dunk for the department. I packed away all of my thoughts and feelings for years and years and when I finally decided to revisit it this year, It's been almost two decades.

But there isn't a statute of limitations. I am out of state and actually currently out of country. I first got the reports and anything else I could and realized how very little had been done on the case. I asked for it to be revisited and I approached the FBI on one of the matters because I was taken to another state for part of this. The sheriff's office repeatedly indicated through their speech that they just didn't want to do any of this. I kept pressing them and they went to the prosecuting attorney. The prosecuting attorney apparently told them that they shouldn't bother doing anything until I literally show up in the state to give a statement.

When I asked more about this, the sheriff's Captain that I was talking to indicated that it was easier to tell if somebody was lying, if you have them in person and then quickly followed up to say he didn't think I was lying. I followed up with the prosecuting attorney's office and spoke to a detective who was pretty inappropriate and kept bringing up the age of the case.

I got a hold of someone at the state prosecuting attorney's office and they got me to a victim's advocate who was like "none of this sounds right." But then she took several weeks to get back to me and told me that the detective said that they were following some protocol and I was like where exactly is that protocol because it's not in the law. She also tried to tell me that I was not guaranteed victims rights which is in the state constitution and the law because my case was reported after the fact. There's nothing in the law about that. Like this is all made up nonsense. They just don't want to help me.

I'm feeling incredibly low and very alone. It looks like the only choice I have is to spend a bunch of money to come back into my home state for like 2 hours because they don't want to take a statement over the phone. I thought I could handle this better now but I feel like I've just opened up a bunch of old wounds and all of the nightmares are coming back. My self-esteem is completely shot and I feel like I'm just calling around trying to convince people that I mattered then and I matter now. None of them believe me. They seem to all believe that these things happened to me, But they don't want to do what they're supposed to do.

Thank you to the people here who gave me courage to talk to my sister. I’ve never felt so validated by people than reading all the posts here. Wouldn’t have done it without the push.

She responded perfectly and I hope the same goes for all the people here debating whether to share or not. I believe in you.

hey everyone, yesterday i was finally able to talk about what happened to my therapist. i've told her many months ago that i'm a survivor of incestual csa but i wasn't able to talk about the details and such. lately i've felt like im ready, mostly thanks to this sub, reading your stories have given me strength. so i wanted to thank you all. stay safe and have the day you wish to have!

I told the situation, location amd month but nothing else. He was a cop. I did not want to pursue charges so I refused to tell more info

I'm looking for some support because I've been feeling very lonely lately especially since no one knows my story. I think connecting with people who have been through similar things would help me, and I'd like to be able to offer each other support.

Hello all I know I have not posted in awhile, been dealing with a lot of issues, went back to counseling after 5 months away. I went back and talked about how I end up not talking to people about how I have been feeling with the abuse, recovery, I talked about how I am still thinking that I need to take pills, drugs, alcohol or emotional eat just so I don’t let the emotions overcome my life and let the abyss swallow me up. I feel like I struggle daily and most times I listen to music every day. It helps me be able to live each and every day. I ask my counselor how I go on with living even after everything that I have been through. I struggle to let all these emotions and feelings not overtake my life. I don’t do well because I feel like one half of my brain is concentrated when I am at work and the other is just working through the emotions and feelings. I don’t have any answers and the depression and anxiety takes over my life. I wish that I could just let all of this go and be a somewhat normal person. I don’t know what normal consists of when I went through hell for over 20 some years. I feel like I can’t talk to family or friends because they all know whom he is because he’s my freaking father if you can call him that, I just call him the sperm donor or the biological father. I guess the other hard thing is that my mom is still with the man whom did this, I was brainwashed and I believe she is as brainwashed as I am (no excuse for her). I feel like I am trying to go through life and handle life experiences, just getting through one single day. You know something I always ask my counselor is how am I supposed to go on after everything I have been through. So as I always say in my counseling I press on.

Without getting into the details of everything…I was groomed/abused online for about a year at age 15-16. No one ever knew it was happening. I have opened up to some friends, my therapist, etc. But would it ever be worth it to disclose to my parents? (Specifically my mom) Part of me really wants to. But I don’t want to break her heart or make her feel guilty and there’s still a piece of me that is worried about the judgement. Basically - is it worth it? Should I do it? I’m not ready to at this point, but maybe someday?

so as the title says… i am seeing a gynecologist next week :( ive never been before & this isn’t a routine check up. i won’t go into details bcuz this prob isn’t the right sub for that lol but i’m very nervous and i wanted to know what to expect & how anyone else copes with going to the gyno. i knew i would need to go eventually but i was hoping it would be many years later. i just don’t feel emotionally ready for any stranger to be down there. i’m also terrified they won’t even be able to examine me because i suffer from vaginismus.

basically, what can i do to make this the least triggering & easiest experience that it can be? i have so many emotions about this situation, some from my abuse, others because i hate going to the doctor & im also scared this could be something really serious.

i have a lot of mixed feelings about what has happened... when i was 15, my brother (35 at the time) had relations with me during a period of a few months. recently he has gone to prison for this but i feel guilt... i feel like i was too willing to engage to be an actual abuse victim/survivor. he gave me attention and praise that i never got to experience prior to that so i feel like i have no right to complain or have different feelings about it than i did. on the other hand, he knew I had been groomed for a long time by grown men (since maybe 9/10) and I wasn't the first underage victim + he has been violent with other women before. i keep wavering between my emotions honestly and it is so stressful.

i am an adult now and could never fathom why he would want such things from someone that young who was so fragile. it makes me sick. i just don't know how to feel anymore or what to do with these emotions.

I'm looking for new songs. Taylor Swift has several that resonate with me, and The Tortured Poets Department is allowing me to tap into rage in a healthy way.

Specific songs: Not on this new album, but her song "Seven" which alludes to abuse of her childhood friend by the friend's father. "Would've Could've Should've" from her album Midnights very clearly very refers to grooming... "if i was a child did it matter, if you got to wash your hands?" is a lyric in that that hits home for me. The experience she refers to is about when she was 19, but it can very easily translate to CSA.

On her new album, "Who's afraid of little old me?" is pure rage and I've been able to emotionally release while scream-singing it. It reminds me of when the tables had turned, and my former abusers were afraid of "little old me" because I had the power to out them.

The line "you deserve prison but you won't get time... you are what you did" from The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived. Those are a few of my personal favorites. But I'd like to hear yours! If you don't mind sharing the song name, artist, and specific lyrics that you relate to as a CSA survivor.

Tw: porn, mentions of porn, discussion of children being exposed to porn, mentions of sex

Hi I just remembered recently that my uncle/grandfather used to leave out their pornagraphic magazines where I could easily find them when I was around like 9/10/11 (I have a hard time remembering my exact age because my mother pulled me out of the school system around that time). This eventually escalated into my grandfather basically allowing me to read them. He didn't give me explict permission but I'm pretty sure he saw or knew I was taking/looking at them, and I remember him being in the room one time I was looking through a magazine that had hard-core pornography/ depictions of sex ( this was I think my first exposure to sex as well). I know that exposing a child to porn is considered abuse, but I I'm still wondering if my case would fall under that given how I sought the material out at times and am pretty sure he didn't have any sexual intentions towards me.

i had been a victim of csa/incest from around age 5-6 to halfway through high school, ever since then i had hated my hair because he would pull it to the point of agonizing pain, when i was a kid i would never comb it because it would send me immediately into a panic, when i got older i decided i would just cut my hair short and keep it that way forever, but i realized i do love my long hair and i dont want to have that terrible part of my life take it away from me, ive had long hair for 3 years now and its been a journey, but ive gotten to the point where i can comb my hair now with ease, there are still times where it is still difficult but its not as frequent anymore, im so happy that ive gotten to the point where i am now! : )

Over my life there has been a few events that, at the time, didn’t feel like huge deals. But now over time, I’ve begun to process them, and I feel that they are influencing factors in so much in my life.

1. When I was a young child, my father would often take my clothes off me and lock me outside, completely naked, if I was bad behaved. This was used to threaten me to behave too
2. When I was a child, my older sister’s friends got naked during a slumber party and began dancing over me, naked, and tried to make me touch them sexually
3. When I was an older teen, I was on a bus with my mates and another guy (who I didn’t know) randomly began groping my crotch, without my consent. And I didn’t say anything, I froze, because I didn’t want to cause a scene

Lately I’ve begun to feel like these events have played a part in so much of my life. I’ve suffered with anxiety and SEVERE body dysmorphic disorder for as long as I can remember. I am totally uncomfortable with the idea of ever doing anything sexually or intimately with anyone. The idea of that has always terrified me, despite being a young physically healthy man. A lot of these feelings, in my eyes, could’ve possibly originated from the events I mentioned.

But I’m struggling too, because I know what happened to me isn’t even remotely as severe as what other people have been through. I feel like a fraud, or an attention-seeker, trying to use it to explain my feelings, because maybe it’s just not that deep. But I just really feel like there’s a link there. I keep thinking about it… but I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’ll never overcome this. But maybe hearing other opinions could help. Thank you <3

I've got a weird question that I haven't been able to find any real answer to, for understandable reasons I suppose.

Whenever I've been intimate in adulthood, I laugh. It's not joyous laughter though, it's a nervous/uncomfortable laugh that I can't hold back. I let my partner think it's joyous, and I'm not doing anything I didn't consent to, but it still happens. I use humor in daily life as a way to cope or to try and keep up my human act, so I'm not sure if it's bleeding over into intimacy as well? Along with the laughter, I make dumb jokes or whatever, like in daily life. It's like I can't take it serious, but it's a reflex. Maybe armor, in a way.

I'm not sure if it is related to abuse, or if it's just a weird me-thing, so I wanted to see if anyone else had any similar experience or insight. It's hard to find an answer because any reading I find online is about joyous laughter.

Thanks!

It was on a separate account and I deleted my comment because I couldn’t stand to see the number of downvotes keep going up. It was on a post that was talking about that stupid question about women who would rather run into a bear while alone in the woods than a random man. There was a man in the comments being kind of rude and saying he didn’t get it and asking for a woman to clarify why they felt that way. I answered, saying that I had been abused by several men as a child when I “trusted” men and gave them the benefit of the doubt, and explained that my brain sees the distinct line between when I trusted men and when I decided not to any more, because I was never assaulted again after I decided to believe every man had the worst in mind for me. And that’s why I would rather be mauled to death by a bear than be at the mercy of a man ever again. I got over ten downvotes for that, for answering the question honestly. I mean who sees that story and is like, “no you’re wrong and bad and you need to know it.” I know it’s not a healthy mindset for me to have but that’s just how my brain is after the years of trauma I suffered at the hands of men and that’s the mindset that has kept me safe. I feel like they were proving my point by downvoting me, I gave them the benefit of the doubt and shared my story in the poor assumption that they would be able to scrape up a crumb of empathy for an abused child. Now I just feel so angry and rejected and I don’t know what to do. It was in a queer sub too, idk why I thought they would be more “open minded” about listening to women.

Hello. I normally do not post in these communities but I am in a very tough situation.

My sister, who is a psychologist, is giving my abuser therapy sessions. She does not know what he did and I don't think I will tell her anytime soon because it will disrupt all my family dynamics in a moment where things are starting to go well. I also think that he is the type of person who will eventually stop going to therapy. This may be a temporary situation but I really can't be sure.

She knows I know him only because I saw a message by mistake and recognized the name. I asked if it was who I though it was and she said yes. She does videocalls with him from inside the house and it makes me actually sick to my stomach to think that he is here, in my space.

I don't know what I should do.

tw: cocsa, incest

i have my story up if any of you want to see what this is about since i don't want to talk about it again. i would appreciate it if you did. i was hurt by my older brother. i was hurt by my cousins. despite this happening almost a decade ago, it affects me to this day. i see them every single day and everytime I do the feeling in my stomach gets worse. i hate myself for being a coward. i hate my younger self for not having a backbone and being such a pussy that let herself get pushed around. i let myself get hurt by people younger than me. i let myself get abused for being a coward. i hate that i could never escape because THEY WERE ALWAYS THERE. I hate that the only time i could feel safe was when i played hide and seek and i had found a spot for myself, but that would last long because they would have found me. if i wasn't such a people pleasing insecure nine year old little girl that didn't care about being ostracized from her family for being a snitch, i would have protected my self, my little brother, and the people that were abused by my brother. even though realistically that wouldn't have happened and i would have been bullied by my cousins/ aunt/uncle and beat by my parents. I hate myself for not standing up and being afraid to do so this day and i wish that i could kill my younger self for being so dumb. i can't speak to anybody about this because no one will believe me and excuse their actions. i am so dumb. i hate myself. i hate that i blame myself even though i know that it really wasn't my fault for what happened. i hate myself for letting myself get hurt and be put in uncomfortable situations because of how weak i am. i hate that i let myself be scared by people who were just as week as i am. i hate how i was such a pussy that the words no could ever come out of my mouth. i hate that i let myself get touched. i hate that i let my self get touched on my sleep. i hate how instead of saying no all i would do is move away as much as i could. i hate th was naive. i hate my older brother's younger self. i wish i could kill my younger self for being so stupid and naive. i wish it was only me and my mom and nobody else. i wish i had no family.

edit: (i just felt like i needed to include this) one of the worst that this served nothing for me at all this happened because i felt pressured. i didnt encourage it because i never wanted it. i never implied it because i never even thought of it. i never coerced anyone into it because i didnt think of it nor i wanted it. i wanted to get it over with and be done. i never wanted it and secretly hoped it would stop as soon as possible. this all happened because i couldn't say no. this should’ve never happened to me.

I feel so lost right now, I made a post here about my nightmares before which haven't got any better. My abuse keeps resurfacing in my head and I feel my head spinning and spinning about my self image and body image any time I'm alone.

I feel almost like dirty seconds, I feel as though both my body and mind have been ruined. I feel I don't deserve my boyfriend, that I'm going to be too much for him because I'm too much for even myself right now.

I don't know how to make this feeling go away.

The only thoughts I’ve been having are that I deserved it That even though I was a child it was my fault and I should have told someone or done something or that the rapes were some sort of sick karma for all the badness and evil that was in my heart.

Even though it was never said, my dad made me feel no one would ever love me if they knew what he used to do to me and a part of me still feels that’s true. I don’t mind being on my own I just feel so sad all the time. I saw someone’s post about caring for your inner child and it feels like mine was murdered the moment he put his hands on me.

I was his little woman, now I just feel broken and crushed up

At times I struggle with age regression, and that young part of me is often in great pain and need, without much explanation.

What do you do to comfort or satiate that part, when it is so loud?

Wondering if anyone still has active relationships with siblings and/or parents, when parent was your abuser. Did you tell them? How did that go? How are you now? How are relationships now?

—- for context, skip if desired —- My father was my abuser. I disclosed this about 10 years ago mid-thirties to my siblings, and separately my mom. Mom was quiet and said she did the best she could (parents split when I was in uni). Siblings said oh that’s too bad.

Shortly after I told my father I remembered, and we spoke about it a few times for a couple years. Until then I had a relationship with him, usually holidays, with little else. Most of that was driven by me, as has been the case for most of my life with siblings and parents. I was eldest, and definitely a caretaker, other parent, and peacekeeper in the home. In those conversations I was hesitant and still careful to not upset him, and protecting myself from how bad it was.

Last few years I stopped reaching out to dad when flashbacks started. I’ve only written to say I’ll contact him when ready. The more I uncover and the more therapy I do, the less likely it seems I could ever have a relationship with him in any way.

During this period, my siblings have disappeared too. So did mom, though she’s mostly been absent anyway. Siblings have been too I guess if I wasn’t initiating.

Siblings still see dad, despite what I’ve shared last few years. I’ve been working through huge grief as I peel the layers back, seeing things for what they really are versus the rose coloured glasses I kept putting on. I’m devastated that as I speak up and stop keeping this huge secret that I’ve basically been ousted from the family (which is highly disjointed already anyway). Moreover, that siblings have had kids since they’ve known and have dad around them, but kicked me out.

The ironic thing is that I worked hard to protect and support them all as well as I could for years as kids and adults. I was super stable and did well in life, until last few years when trauma bubbled out and kicked my ass. I’m doing well putting my life back together. But it’s awful that in the process of healing I’ve lost these people and I’m apparently the bad egg now.

I have wonderful chosen family in my life, though most live far from me. I miss family holidays, and the good times we did have. Inviting myself elsewhere doesn’t always pan out. I miss a sense of belonging somewhere. I’m hurt and angry that my nuclear family doesn’t seem to care about me at all. The pain is real, ya’ll.

hi this is my 1st post but i’ve been reading in this thread for awhile to help me navigate things.

basically i was being raped when i was 5/6 yrs old and had to grow up with my abuser all my life + now i have a laundry list of mental diagnoses + just recovered actual memories of the abuse last year.

this week i am having excruciating flashbacks multiple times a day. it’s like im reliving the abuse over and over for the first time and sometimes they get worse and more detailed. i cannot function. i don’t have a job due to my disabilities but lately i can’t even do household + personal tasks. i’m just waking up having a flashback, trying to recover, and doing it all over again in the evening. the flashbacks are causing me a lot of muscle pain on top of my chronic pain i already have, and i take delta 8 for it which is the only thing that helps with it all. but i can’t get out of this cycle + im trying so so hard to stay encouraged. any advice or kind words?