When I was 4 I was hit by a drunk driver and pulled up into the wheel well. I died on scene and was resuscitated on site. I was in the hospital for 6 weeks. My father had to be removed from the hospital because he was screaming that I should have died. Negligence on their part of how I was hit in the first place.

When I got home from the hospital, I was In a full body cast and I was abused for being to much work. I was yelled at, belittled, made to feel like I'm less. I remember constantly crying and feeling scared and alone.

This continued and the abuse continued. My father mentally and physically abused my sister and I and murdered our pets. He would reel me in and make me feel like he loved me, and then he would turn on me.

My mother was a narcissistic nightmare who was always in chaos with something or someone. Often family members. Who would again treat me badly because I was their son.

Fast forward to 7 years ago. I moved across Canada to go to engineering school with my GF and two sons....and my father was diagnosed with cancer. My awful family moved to the place I lived, with my dying father, so he would die there.

He was absolutely terrified of death. He knew he was going to hell for what he did to us. I wrote him a letter forgiving him but he still was freaking out and had to be put to sleep, so he could die.

As my father was dying, my sister stole all of his tools, equipment and vehicles and sold them all. My sister also prevented us from going to the hospital to get closure when he died, by diverting the call from my mother to Her. She she could make sure he died alone. She stole my mother's possessions and did the same thing. Made it so I couldn't be there to say goodbye. Or what ever I had to say.

During this time, my ex was trying to turn my kids against me, she tried everything from threats of killing herself, to telling my kids I hate them. My kids didn't believe a word of it, and knew she was wrong. So she left.

Now I am dealing with abandoned kids, dying father and I quit engineering school to take care of my kids.

Shortly after my mother died of cancer, she died as cold hearted as she lived.

Then covid hit. Now the government is taking away all of my coping mechanisms: swimming with my kids, sports, etc.

Then during covid, I lost 5 more family members, leaving me and my son's. No closure, no nothing.

I am trying to parent, I am trying to survive, I don't have a clue who I am as a person and I'm lost. I do have a successful career but because of my trauma, I feel it's always in jeopardy.

How do I separate my trauma from my identity? How do I find myself? How do I teach my son's to overcome this when I can't?

I can not get close to people at all and it is just about ruined my life. I can not trust people. I can not get over the feeling of being threatened. I can not even trust myself or what I would say because I have this permanent feeling of anger and injustice, can not relax, and interpret everything as an attack against me. I would like to calm down and be around people but every attempt ends in frustration, and not just mine. I have nearly given up the thought of being close to anyone because I do not know that I will ever be secure enough to do so, but I would at least like to be able to stand people's presence and have them stand mine. I have been alone for so long I do not remember the basics of being social if I have ever learned them in the first place. I do not know how to earn the patience of other people so I can work on that

My boyfriend dumped me last night after being together for 8 months because he says he has things he needs to work on, on his own. I know he has PTSD and some other demons. When we first started dating I looked up various things I can do to help him. I didn’t tell him about all of the different articles and forums that I read. I didn’t pressure him to talk about anything. I simple wanted to be prepared if he wanted to talk about it. He has shared some with me over the months that we have been together. I have tried my best to be understanding and supportive. I know that there are things that I will never understand or be able to help him with. How can I be there for him while not being able to be there? I really love him. How do I process this? Does anyone have any experience with loving someone with demons that you can’t help them fight?

I grew up in a very hostile and complicated household. I'm still here, really. But i never had one singular extremely horrifiyng event happen to me, aside from, maybe, a few intense physical fights between family members which, although they happened in front of me, they didn't often actually involve me. It was scary nonetheless. Either way, in the hands of family members i would suffer much more mentally than physically, really. Nothing that bad ever happened to me. And yet, i often get the comment that i might have PTSD, because, according to people i know that are knowledgeable in PTSD, i exhibit symptoms. I am always tense and scared when i am at home, but going out often makes me anxious. Receiving affection and touch leaves me uncomfortable and nauseous. There are many things from my past i can't seem to remember. When i think about certain parts of my childhood, i feel out of breath and nauseous. Hearing the sound of doors unlocking/opening, hearing footsteps, hearing a knock at my door all puts me in a fight or flight state, and i always recognize who it is that's doing each of these things, without needing to look. I'll often spend the majority of my free time in maladaptive daydreaming (in fact, i could easily spend all day doing just that). I can't handle hearing loud noises (specially people screaming) because it makes me panic and puts me in fight or flight mode, regardless if it is directed at me or not. When under intense pressure or stress, i'll often dissociate and "autopilot" my way through life. These are some aspects that friends have pointed out, but i always deny the possibility of having PTSD. Again, nothing that bad ever happened to me, so i can't help but think that's not really it. It's hard for me to even refer to my family as "abusive" or call myself "traumatized", but the times i have vented about my life, those are always the terms used by others to refer to the situation. Today, at the breakfast table, my mother started talking about a story from my brother's childhood. As she spoke i remember having random thoughts and memory flashes that put me immediately into panic. Only now, over an hour later, i am beginning to calm down, but the detail of those thoughts i had seem to have vanished from my mind. I don't know if i'm just spiralling but i am finally starting to consider maybe i do have PTSD. I don't know. It feels weird to even say that... i can't help but feel guilt for thinking about it.

so since 5 years there are constant fights in my family bcs of money reasons and economic crices.
plus my father drinks so fight became shouting
i have study room at the neighbours house at upstaries wich i rented.
But my family fights alot so now whenever i even hears people talking just a bit loudly my ear sense just get activates as its a fight and i starts feeling anxiety until i confirs it not
Also from some months my head startds hurting from sounds of phone reels i don't let anyone in my family use the phone at high voulme or any other sound which continously comes.
I am having boards this year so i think it happens bcz of stress but still

and escape from all this made me a maldaptive daydreamer i guess

I was bullied pretty badly in high school and faced racism. Anything from being addressed as the n word to being picked up and slammed to the ground while a friend of the main bully recorded me.

I’ve gotten a black eye from him even and nearly went blind. He faced no consequences as he was a master manipulator and people like him for being the high school "Jock”.

He always said sorry then repeated the behaviour and laughed with his buddies about it. He even made fun of my heritage (where my parents are from in Africa).

I get an apology about two years after high school and it (in my opinion) looked like an apology for himself. Sure, he said he’s sorry (he’s said it so many times it doesn’t hold value) and was more focused on saying in his apology "I understand you probably hate my guts".

I accepted the apology because my dad told me to.

Since then, I’ve been through addiction & other not-so-proud stuff I’m not interested in sharing here. I decided to message him after all these years (been about 10 now) and it was a friendly message. Leaning towards me calling him a lovely person and how I understand if he still feels bad for what he did to me and said I understand the message could go unseen but I just wanted to share.

He, yet again, said he feels bad about how he treated me and said I look like I’m doing well and he’s happy specifically for that.

I just asked him why he called me the n word all the time and would beat me up over it. I asked if he found racism funny at the time. He denied absolutely everything he did. I then sent him screenshots of how he use to speak to me and he said "Man, I don’t remember saying that, clearly I did though, there’s no denying that photo. I honestly don’t remember using that word with you or others. No one deserves that". He also mentioned in the convo how I'm "letting him take up way to much head space over this".

For the sake of convenience of this post I’ll make it short. We went back and forth over it and he accused me of spreading rumours about him over the last two years that he r***d his ex and said how I can’t deny that as he has these messages pinned to my IP address.

I blocked him and unblocked him after an hour saying how crazy that sounds and specifically said the last time we spoke was in 2018/19 when he messaged me out of the blue. I then tell him if he has all that info, what does he plan on doing with it? And said intimidation and what he claims to be true do constitute grounds for legal action and said we can take this to court.

He says "James, for the hundredth time, I’m done with these conversations. Chao for now".

I said "for the record, I hope those things are not true Chris, I just can’t connect the dots on why you think it’s me who did that. Chao".

After a few days, I blocked him for good.

I’ve been suffering with PSTD for years now since I witnessed my mum die when I was little, which then continued to spiral from other events during my childhood. Growing up, I had three pets who witnessed everything with me. I’m in my late teens now, and I’m still taking care of two out of the three pets (one passed away early this year). I sort of see each one of the three pets she owned as remnants of her left behind, and that parts of her are instilled in my pets. Thinking about that really helps to ease my symptoms, and because I never had a mum to take care of me, I sort of see one of my cat as a mother figure. She’s really attached to me, and constantly sits around me, particularly when she knows I’m having more frequent night terrors, flashbacks or just feeling generally upset. Even now, she’s asleep on my lap! I passed a comment to my grandma about this, who said it was strange I would ever think that. I just see it as a coping mechanism. Is it really that weird?

TW ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP

I was in a very abusive relationship for 6 years. I would be pinned down and screamed at for hours, locked in rooms, isolated, I could go one forever. This relationship ended 10 years ago.

When I am stressed I have nightmares/bad dreams and the entire dream I’m being yelled and screamed at. I wake up crying and I’m left feeling like I did the day it happened. It’s such a horrible feeling. I can rationalize that it didn’t happen but the feeling I’m left with feels so real and will stick with me all day.

I’m going through a stressful time in my life right now and for weeks, every time I fall asleep I have these dreams. I’m so tired and sad and I just want it to stop. I haven’t been this bad in a very long time and I don’t know what to do.

I talk with my boyfriend about it but he is away working and I don’t think he really understands how bad I’m feeling right now. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so tried. I’m exhausted. I can hardly function but I am a mom of 4 and I have so much to do. I’ve fallen behind on all my house chores, it’s affecting me in all aspects of my life. I don’t have family or a support system to lean on.

Does anyone have advice on how I can cope better or make the dreams stop? I’m trying to distress my life as much as I can but there’s only so much I can do right now. I’m trying to be patient and wait things out but I’m feeling very defeated.

Any advice is welcome

Thank you ❤️

I have a bit of history with stressful political activities, some of which are illegal ofc so that's why I won't go into details. More recently, I remember a couple of protests that turned unpeaceful in which police started raining teargas on us, like dozens of cans, I vividly remember it raining from the night sky, and then there was a lot of crowd movement that we eventually managed, then we were charged by police and had to run, and they would harass us for about 30 minutes by following us into narrower and narrower streets, I thought they would never stop, and find us eventually. I can't remember the details, how many people were there, how close we were to getting arrested, I simply remember that I thought that I would get beaten up, or arrested, and that, in a way or another, I would spend the night at the station, and that I would be all alone. And I think that these events affected me heavily.

I don't handle stress very well and I might be exaggerating the consequences but this is how I perceived it would go. This happened a few months ago, and I've noticed that (from more serious events) I need a few months to process stressful things that happened to me, and I think I recently processed these.

There was also an event that stressed me so much that I couldn't sleep the night before, and the night after, I think about it every day or two, I've talked about it to people that participated in it but they never felt the same. Since then, I have become paranoid about what I say about it and to whom, and I'm too afraid to disclose here what I think could happen to me.

Recently, I'm very easily startled by sound/light/movement, I am in a state of near-constant alert, I am emotionally numb, I have trouble sleeping, I often make nightmares about being chased down (though this happened a lot too before these specific events), I dissociate a lot and visualize scenarios (that are getting increasingly realistic) where I am chased down, being in a somewhat crowded environnement makes me wanna scream and run everywhere and throw up. And the sight of a police team or car is enough to make me go into a state in which I am super-aware of everything that is happening around me, and I am extremely stressed and my heart is beating super fast, as if in a few seconds I would be surrounded and there would be teargas everywhere again.

I was quite reluctant to writing this for obvious legal reasons but I can't think of anything else. I cannot get in touch with political activism in any away anymore. I am so numb to everything that is happening around me that all I want to do is to get into stressful political actions again, I don't know what to do.

Hi everyone : )

I got bullied very badly by a group of students in a university. They were from the same country. Several faculty were from the same country as well, and they turned a blind eye, with some of them even participating.

They bullied me because they were afraid I would complain about something one of them did. I didn't realize this for several months, because it hadn't occurred to me, given that as a student, you want to keep your head down and focus on your work.

I was a quiet person and they said negative things about me. I didn't try to find out what was said, but it couldn't have had any basis in reality. The core students doing it were doing it maliciously, but they dragged some unsuspecting people into this business who didn't know better than to indulge rumor-mongering. It's so strange how people are taught in school to verify with evidence and consider all sides of the story, but they don't apply it in real life.

It happened all the time, inside and outside of class. They would whisper and laugh while I spoke, tell others to heckle me during my presentations, laugh in my face in public spaces, or change direction dramatically if I walked past. The campus was very small so I couldn't avoid them. They also said negative things about me to the faculty, I later found this out. It negatively impacted my ability to access the resources I needed. One faculty member - in whose class the complainable incident had happened, but to whom I had always been polite and never mentioned it - started making it a point to put me down publicly.

There was even more than this behaviour, but you get the general idea. I'm working on something related to the program and I've been getting a lot of flashbacks lately. It's like a punch to the chest. I'm haunted by the fact that I didn't speak up for myself so everyone probably assumed that the negative things being said were true. I actually didn't because I thought it would create a bigger mess. When I'd gone to the welfare team for help, they told me "bullies have mental health too", and tried to blame my stress as the cause rather than the symptom. It was the easy way out for them. That's because they can't do anything to stop it. It was mind-blowing to realize that you can be the person who gets punished for having a bad experience if you talk about it.

I think what I'm looking for is closure. The public humiliation was painful. Not being able to speak about it and set the narrative straight was too. I'm struggling to heal because I never resolved the situation. It also hurts me a lot that the people who did all of this are happy and successful and will probably never realize what they did was wrong or experience any sort of consequences for how much pain they caused me. It's very difficult for me to make peace with this.

warning for sexual violence and mentions of alcohol/eating disorders/self-harm

For context, I'm a 19 year old trans guy, and I have been struggling with sexual trauma for a few years. But I have never been "fully assaulted" if that makes sense.

I've been sexually harassed many times to varying degrees, and the first time I can remember it happening is when I was around 8 or 9, when multiple boys who were slightly older called me a slut and a prostitute and tried to pressure me into taking my clothes off. I've been solicited for sex by adults since I was maybe 15 or 16 (often by other queer people, mostly cisgender gay men) and was briefly facing online stalking and harassment from a guy I later found out was a rapist who specifically targets trans boys. I've been constantly fetishized and sexually harassed for my transness, like people (often adults) demanding to know what genitals I have or how I masturbate, or people pressuring me into sex acts. I've also been victim to multiple attempts of people trying to groom me, and I've been shown porn without my consent a few times when I was underage, and have seen people expose themselves without my consent. This past summer I went on a date with a girl who was caressing my thighs and groping my muscles a lot, even though we had previously had a long conversation about how I don't like to be touched, especially in a sexual way, and the whole date just made me feel so disgusting that I still wish I didn't have to exist in a physical body. There are so many different things that have all added up to my sexual trauma, and I think I might be forgeting to mention some things I've experienced.

A few months ago though, something happened which I would consider to be the "most severe" or at least for me the most traumatizing event. I don't want to get into a lot of detail, but it involved indecent exposure and me being made to watch group sex acts without my consent. This happened in a more quiet area near a Pride Fest, in an area where there were also kids. Right after it happened, I wanted to walk back to my hotel room, but I completely broke down and collapsed on the ground in front of a museum, and I sat there crying for an hour and more. Eventually two women came up to me who helped me walk back to my friends, and from there my friends were able to make sure I was safe. Before this happened, I had just started to try to start processing all my past sexual trauma and try to find a way to live despite the constant anger, disgust, fear and worthlesness I feel.

Since this happened, I have just started to feel worse and worse. I'm having constant flashbacks that are so bad that I have had panic attacks where I thought I was going to die. I'm spiralling back into my eating disorder, some days I don't eat anything at all. I can't stop drinking alcohol, which is also something I have struggled with in the past because of queer party culture and excessive substance use being glorified in the community. Some days the first thing I do after getting out of bed is drink as much rum or brandy as I can before I start to feel sick, because its the only thing that i feel even remotely helps. (But I'm currently around 6 days sober.) My self-harm problems have gotten a lot worse. I'm scared to go outside, because I'm scared I will be harassed or violated. I live in constant fear of being assaulted or facing other forms of sexual violence, and it's all I can think about. I'm losing all of the joy from my life, I can no longer enjoy anything that used to make me happy, like makeup or fashion or just spending time with my friends. I'm so scared of being violated or harrased that most days I don't know how I will keep living, because I feel like it's inevitable that I will keep being harassed or assaulted. I keep having nightmares.

I used to be hypersexual, kind of as a way to be in denial that I have any sexual trauma at all, and also because I felt like the only way I have worth is if other people are allowed to fetishize me or use me for sex. I thought I deserved to just feel horrible all the time and force myself to act sexual and do things I didn't actually want to do or feel comfortable doing. But now I can't even think about sex without feeling like I'm gonna have a panic attack.

In the gay community there's this attitude that sexual harassment and assault and abuse is just something that happens, that if you're a queer guy, you should just expect it because so many men (especially white cis gay men) feel entitled to other people's bodies and don't care about consent, age or how sober someone is. I'm terrified things like this will keep happening to me. And so many people act like it's normal, and I'm starting to think that maybe I'm just overreacting or being too sensitive.

I often feel like what I've gone through isn't "bad enough" or that I'm weak for being this traumatised because I've never been r*ped.

I guess I'm just looking to see if anyone else has experienced something similar or feels like their trauma isn't "bad enough". I obviously don't wish my trauma was worse, but I just feel like I'm being too hyperbolic or sensitive when I say I've experienced sexual violence, and I feel like I'm not allowed to call myself sexually traumatised, since most of the time people assume that means I've been r*ped.

I used to be a very affectionate person in relationships, i loved touch, i loved being close to someone. And i did all those things with my ex. The relationship with my ex was very emotionally abusing but i wasnt physically abused. We broke up in april this year (we were together for a year) and ever since then i havent even flirted with anyone, let alone cuddled or more. Last month i met this girl and we hit it off instantly, and since then we hung out 4-5 times. I wouldnt consider our hangouts as dates but we never clarified so i dont know. The interest is kinda there but at the same time im terrified. When she rested her hand on my knee or my thigh it caused me to feel such an intese emotion. I just wanted it off of me. I couldnt focus on the conversation because all i could think about was that hand. Afterwards i felt anxious and had a very heavy feeling in my chest.I dont understand why this is happening. I have never felt like this before in my life. I did talk to her and set my boundaries so it wont happen again. Has anyone else been through something like this?

I’ve been struggling with feelings of pain and injustice due to past hurts and the damage done to me by others. It’s difficult to let go of the hurt when people close to me have caused harm, whether it’s through betrayal, dishonesty, or mistreatment. I often wonder if karma or some form of divine justice will eventually catch up with those who have wronged me, or if they will simply go unpunished for their actions.

I’ve been trying to understand how the concept of justice works when it comes to those who harm others. In particular, I wonder if it’s right to hope for some kind of retribution or consequences for those who have caused harm, or if I should focus instead on forgiveness, healing, and moving forward. Is it natural to want justice, or should I just release the need for it and let things unfold as they will?

I’m also curious if there are any spiritual practices, mantras, meditations, or rituals that can help guide me toward inner peace or help bring about karmic balance. Specifically, are there ways to feel more at peace with the injustices I’ve faced, and help restore balance in my life?

At the heart of my question is the struggle between wanting justice for the wrongs I’ve faced and trying to cultivate a sense of peace within myself, free from anger or resentment. What do others think about this? Should I focus more on forgiveness and moving forward, or is it okay to hope for karmic retribution for those who have hurt me?

I’d really appreciate any insights or advice based on your own experiences, spiritual practices, or philosophical perspectives. Thank you.

I’m still living with my parents and whenever my dad even raises his voice or starts shouting my legs just start trembling, I start sweating, feeling sick and beyond terrified I feel a dread the only times I’ve felt it was because of him and mind you this is when I’m listening to it from upstairs not the target of it and I always thought I just had social anxiety as a kid and I’m starting to thinking maybe it’s hyperarousal with how I’m prone to outbursts of anger something

21 F and neurodivergent. I’m terrified of going to the doctors. Avoided as much as possible growing up but had to go frequently due to mental health problems and also physical health issues. I’m terrified of being touched at all. After a few years of not seeing my PCP I finally made the switch at 20. I started going recently and each appointment I feel with so much dread. I’m scared of new people. I literally think about it almost every single day, counting down the days. I’ll wake up at 3am and have a panic attack over it like now. I feel mortified but I refuse to even get my height and weight checked. Even THAT just somehow makes me panic. I also had an eating disorder when I was younger and severe body dysmorphia from abuse. Anything and everything absolutely terrifies me. I’m absolutely TERRIFIED of needles and just cannot do it. I have prescription medication to help calm me down but I have no idea how to approach this to my doctor. She is nice so far and this is like my 3rd time meeting her. She is aware I have PTSD. I struggle with communication and have had to print out a typed out paper to try to explain for me because I’m too afraid to verbally say it. If I have to verbalize this I don’t know how I would even begin. She once mentioned something about willing to work with me on the needle phobia but she doesn’t know about a lot of my other phobias and triggers like being touched.. I’m so grateful she wants to work on the needles and promised me she would be patient and understanding, and I know she’s telling the truth. but I have so much constant anxiety all of the time. I feel like I just have so many problems and I keep being paranoid and worried my doctor will be mad at me and drop me as a patient, or might just be constantly disappointed that I’m so reluctant to nearly everything. Every single time I’ve seen her (like 3 times) I’ve been busting into tears just from being there. Doctor offices just trigger so much fear for me.

Does anyone have any advice? I feel like I’m such an extreme and being in this spot scares me. I genuinely feel pathetic. My appointment is almost one month out from today. Should I send her a message before my appointment? How do I even begin to describe such deep rooted fear and trauma?

Wondering if something I’ve been experiencing has anything to do with the PTSD, or if others experience this as well.

I recently went through a forest fire evacuation. We had to evacuate town one night after new fires broke out on 3 sides of town and started spreading. I was displaced for 3 months without toiletries, my wallet, a charger, or a place to sleep. A lot was lost and I haven’t been the same since. My therapist keeps saying PTSD.

Every night, around 11:30-12:30ish, o get hit with this horrible, empty, numb but painful feeling. I don’t know if I’m doing a good job of describing it. But without fail, it always comes on, and if I’m asleep, I’ll wake up and get hit with it. Sometimes I’ll get really twitchy (but that could just be too much nicotine) or stomach crampy if I get really upset or tense laying there.

Has anybody else experienced this?

I have pretty severe PTSD from a very terrifying past sexual trauma and it’s the main roadblock in my current relationship. Whenever I get triggered I shut down, and even long after the trigger “should have” passed, I find my body rigid and in fight or flight mode.

This frustrates and confuses my boyfriend, who constantly asks me “what’s wrong”. He doesn’t seem to grasp that nothing specific is wrong, not something he can jump to fix, I’m just triggered and my body and self is still stuck in that mode, and usually for the remainder of the day I’ll be significantly more reactive and in a worse mood.

He pushes me to explain what’s wrong, why I’m acting or feeling like that, and it’s like my mind goes blank. I don’t feel like I have a good enough answer for him. Trying to explain that I’m just stuck in a state of heightened stress just sounds like a poor excuse or explanation when I try to articulate it.

I find myself trying to just stay quiet when something is scaring or triggering me, but then he picks up on my reserved mood, and pushes me to explain what’s wrong. He gets really frustrated when I just say “nothing”. I understand that communication is key but it feels as though if I were to keep trying to explain it just wouldn’t end up being satisfactory.

I’m not sure what the point of this post was TBH, I just really needed to get this out somewhere I know I’d be more or less understood. My own inability to control my PTSD and communicate effectively is causing me the most relationship stress.

If anyone has any experience with getting better at communicating about their disorder and trauma, or any advice, please feel free to share

There is too much trauma. It's too hard. I need to restart. I need my life back. My life has been stolen for the past two years and although I can't really avoid something from controlling it into the foreseeable future I want to take back what I can. I am in pain. I am in literal pain. I drank and smoke too much and it hurts, I only did it cause I didn't have money for weed. I threw my vape out and tipped the rest of the alcohol out. I am fucking tired of my life. I am tired. I am sore. I am pushed. I need a break. I need to make my own break. I hate myself and I hate life and I need drugs and don't hug me cause I'll fucking punch you in the face because I'm fucking angry. Uhhh. Ahh. Fuck. I will quit masturbation, alcohol, and nicotine. I will calm down. I will hurt anyone trying to hurt me. I don't know how to figure it out, but I will, I will figure it out. I will get past this. I'm just ranting with little internal editor. Fuck. I hate life. I go through so much pain. Please Lord fuck give me financial safety and drugs. I fucking need it. I will prosper. I will not kill myself tomorrow by slitting my wrist. I will fight.

i wasn’t too badly injured but i do not feel like the same person. cannot close my eyes to go to sleep without having the crash replay in my head 30 times and seeing flashes of blood and gore. being in a car now is hard. i feel like a shell of a person but i have to keep it together for the one who was injured badly

My abuser sent me this. I don't know how to take it, it's been about a decade since. For reason I have changed a name and a couple words, R is my older brother.

Hey, it's me. You blocked me and I didn't know how to reach you. Look I can never be forgiven for what I did. But I wasn't right in the mind, I'll explain in a bit. I don't expect any forgiveness or anything nor am I excusing anything I did, but please let me explain how it happened. Trust me I've never forgotten either, I've remembered both what happened to me and you. I have been actively punishing myself because I believe that I don't deserve happiness. I have avoided having any type of relationships and starting a family because I truly believe I don't deserve it. I've been doing my best to help other and trying to be as kind as I can. I'm sure none of that matters to you as it really doesn't affect you, but please know I have been trying to be a better person to others rather than myself. I have even attempted suicide although I couldn't commit to it. Again I don't expect forgiveness or anything, I'm not going to excuse myself either, I did what I did and I cannot change that. But please hear my experience as it might give reason to it, again not an excuse.

It started when I was 4 or 5, a family member of ours (nobody immediate, think cousin or something) showed me porn for the first time, and made me masturbate with them. This happened multiple time. Around age 6, R started to sa me. I didn't know if it was right or wrong, I saw what happened in the pornos and saw they felt good and thought it was a good thing too. This happened for many years. Before it stopped, I remember I was at your house, it was night time, and I was going to go into the kitchen to get water, but I saw the TV on. I saw you and your dad on the couch and he was watching porn on the TV with you next to him, I don't remember the ages but you weren't a baby but still small.

The last time R did anything was when your parents were going to the store with you and your sister, and asked if I wanted to stay or go. I said stay. This was the last time with R. From there I was about 8 or 9 or something, I missed the feeling that occurred when R used to do what he did. It wasn't until we were at my house with our cousins, it was 4 or 5 of us and you were trying to kiss everyone on the lips, I am now starting to think this is due to what you were forced to watch as a kid on TV, as you were probably just doing what you saw.

That's when it started, I didn't know if it was something wrong or right, I just thought it was suppose to be a secret, since that's what I thought with R. I wish I would have never done that, I wish I would have stopped before anything happened, I cannot change the past unfortunately, no matter how much I wish I could. As I got older I start to understand it wasn't right to do that, again I'm sorry I took too long to realize. I should have apologize sooner, I didn't know how I could though, I knew you hated me, I knew I fucked up, I knew I hated myself, because I hated what R did to me too, but I realized all that too late. I could have apologized sooner, but I didn't know how to, I still don't, and I doubt I can do anything to change your opinion of me, and I understand that too because that's how I feel about R. I don't think I'll ever be able to live without the memories of the events that happened to me since i was 4. I have tried to forget them, all of them, but I cannot as I'm sure you can't either.

Look there is nothing I can do to take back anything from the past, I will continue to live with both the shame and guilt I have, I will continue to punish myself by not allowing myself to be happy. Trust me nobody hates me more than I hate myself. I understand if you still want to hurt me, hell I want to hurt R, but I won't because it won't help me in anyway, I have been trying to live despite it happening, i don't forgive him nor will i forget it, but i will do my best to continue living and helping people whenever i can because of it. I'm sorry I put you through that, you didn't deserve it, I wish I could have broke the cycle, but I couldn't. I hope you did. I hope you can continue living your life and become who you want to be. I hope you can start a family and be proud of them. I'm sorry for all the harm I have caused you, I wished I could understand what I was doing when I was younger and prevent myself from doing so. If you still feel you need to do what you said in your message I understand. This will be too much to ask for but if you could, just let me know before hand, if im going, I'd like to ask R why he did what he did to me. If not I understand. Again I cannot apologize enough, you deserved better. I'm sorry, I will forever be sorry.

To start with, I was diagnosed with cPTSD years ago. Within the last year I’ve started to see random things from my past, but in my present reality. For example: Walking down my child’s school hallway amongst tan lockers there would be one out of place blue locker with my old locker number on it. Another time an entire solid wall turned into full panes of glass overlooking a courtyard I once knew from childhood. Walking in the park but instead of only the normal lampposts there would be one lamppost from the town I grew up in, in a random spot. I feel like my current reality has been meshing/colliding with past memories. I should mention that I do sometimes hear/smell/feel things that aren’t actually there either. Does this all still fall under the flashback category for cPTSD? And why would the hallucinations start more recently rather than a closer timeframe to the traumatic events. Kinda feel like I’m slowly losing it. I can still reason with myself and recognize they are not supposed to be there, but it still stresses me out.

I really don’t know how to express this, it’s affecting me a lot but at the same time I think I do deserve it. I got a friend request on Discord in June of this year and I was curious so I accepted it. To be honest I thought it was going to be a ghost friend (those ones you talk to once and then they disappear) but we really got along and became really good friends. In one of our calls he told me he was 15 and turning 16 but I didn’t pay much attention to him because I was not focused on spending my time in a relationship, I have to go to college and I have to be cencetrated on that. The thing is he started being really affectionate with me, at that time I was 18 years and 6 months old. I never took him seriously because I knew it was wrong but one day I fell into his game and started flirting too, I don’t blame him for starting it, he’s a teenager who is discovering himself but I’m not supposed to be that for him, I’m 2 years older. I’ve also been through his age and I know how dumb you can be. And even knowing all this I screwed up, I told my psychologist and she told me that luckily it didn’t go that far, in her words it sounded like a child’s play because it was basically descriptions of displays of affection, but to me it’s something that will follow me for years. After that, I told him that I was not going to do that again, I felt terribly disgusted by my actions. Somehow at that moment I forgot that it was him, I forgot that he was just a teenager and I’m already 18, technically I’m an adult and I should have acted like one and stopped everything before it happened, not after. This wasn’t what I wanted. We kept talking but now he was really insisting on being something with me, I started to feel very uncomfortable especially after what I did, I asked my psychologist for help, I didn’t know what to do, and she told me to take some space and stop talking to him. So that's what I did, I told him that we should stop talking for a while, because I knew the feelings he had for me, and we stopped texting, but that only lasted a month because he talked to me again and I couldn't just leave it there because I felt guilty. I think it's my fault that I made him seek me out again. At least he understood the point of not flirting anymore and just being normal friends. Which on the one hand I was grateful for, but on the inside I wish I could never talk to him again, I still feel guilty, so every time he texted me I felt obligated to reply and I don't want this anymore, I can't handle this, he's a good person, but I feel so disgusted with myself every time I talk to him. "I think I can do this, these are the consequences of my actions" I told myself, but yesterday he accidentally said that he didn't turn 16 BUT 15. This was really my breaking point, meaning that on that occasion he was 14, I literally threw up. I’ve been thinking about this all day and I came to the conclusion that I can’t with this anymore, I tried to end it all but it didn’t work. I was so desperate but a friend whom I really thank very much for existing show up and I finally told someone other than my psychologist about this. This friend calmed me down and told me that writing this here right now could help me to find some solutions. I don’t think it’s good for me to keep talking with him (the teenager) but at the same time I think it’s an obligation because we’re supposed to be on good terms and he knows my social media and I don’t want to be on bad terms with him because he could show my mistake and I wouldn’t be able to be live with that, even if it’s not as bad as other cases, this just makes me want to restart everything.

Additional info:

I don't know if the fact that I can't imagine someone I met on Discord as a real person comes from last year, when I sold myself as a Discord kitten. I blocked my mind from thinking about who was behind the monitor for my own good. Of course this is not an excuse but I was curious if this happens to other people even if they haven't been specifically in my situation.

I think i want to tell about my truama in here, In high school freshman, I went through significant trauma. My friends all collectively ignored me, and I struggled academically. Even my two roommates avoided me, leaving me feeling isolated. At one point, I couldn’t take it anymore and decided to confide in my homeroom teacher, sharing everything I was going through. After that, the experience left me with serious trauma.

On the way home, both my mom and dad were furious that I had opened up about my problems. They were worried that it might end up on my school record or that other teachers would find out. They yelled at me and even hurled insults I can’t bring myself to repeat. They said the teacher would now ignore and look down on me, even calling me a “stupid bitch” while they shouted at me. I don’t remember every detail of that day, but I remember crying and apologizing, saying I’d never do it again. They then turned the car around and drove me back to that awful high school, telling me everything was my fault. I was so shaken, and that night I couldn’t sleep, only praying that somehow I’d be able to go home.

My second trauma was when I attempted suicide. On the drive to the hospital, they yelled at me again, warning me not to call any suicide hotline because they didn’t want the school to find out. My mom even said she couldn’t understand why her daughter was like this and threatened that she might kill herself, too. She then screamed about how our entire family (including my sister, dad, and me) had tried to take our lives. I don’t remember much from that night either, just the lingering trauma it left behind. My hands trembling while i writing this.

Despite all this, I still love my parents, but I fear what would happen if they were to change. I fear it is normal to parents did that to daughter. But i think i deserve that. and it is my huge truama and when im writing this, i feeling deep pain about me. I fear that i am overreacting, and think normal thing as truama. And thank you for reading my story, have a good day.

my sleep apnea sometimes makes me wake up at like 2AM with 0 oxygen in my lungs, and i immediatelly GULP down oxygen and SCREAM and GULP down oxygen and SCREAM and look around like “wtfuck just happened???????”

today i was playing guilty gear strive (a videogame) and i was May and i did an overdrive pointblank against Slayer and the moment i saw him teleport out of the way of my overdrive sending me whiffing the other way, i suddenly had an INSANE ptsd flashback to my sleep apnea and started SCREAMING and GULPing down air and SCREAMING and GULPING down air and we had to call 911 becuz i couldnt fucking stop screaming and gulping down air for like 4-5 hours!!!!! at the end of it my throat was raw, i was vomiting, i was light headed, and the E.M.T.s were like “we cant find anything wrong with u”

can anyone help me

it legit feels like if i stop filling my lungs 100% full with oxygen every 3 seconds (if i stop achieving the sensation of a fully full lung every 3 seconds) my lungs are going to collapse & i will asphyxiate. so im going GULP tinyexhale GULP tinyexhale GULP…… and stopping doing that is absolutely terrifying everytime i think of Slayer from guilty gear strive teleporting thru my overdrive, i get a flashback & i have to GULP down air.

I was sexually abused as a child for years, on and off, starting when I was around 8 or 9. He coerced, groomed, and manipulated me into doing sexual things and made me feel guilty, convincing me that I had control over the situation, which led to shame. When he moved away, it stopped, but after we moved near him again, it started up again. I hated it but felt helpless. He often left me feeling confused, betrayed, and angry. He made me doubt myself, feel worthless, and destroyed my self-esteem. It was harder to speak out because he was someone I considered family. Over time, I started to numb myself and dissociate, especially during the abuse. I ended up in the hospital (but never spoke up). My mom asked if he had done anything to me, and then told me if I was having sex, she'd punish me, the same thing he had told me. It happened a few more times, then stopped when we moved. I was depressed and ashamed, wanting to hide. Life didn't get better; it got worse. I was severely bullied and felt alone and isolated. I went through everything on my own. The way I felt still sticks with me. I started therapy five years later after asking (my parents didn't put me in therapy, I had to do it myself). Event lly, I spoke about the abuse, and it got re ted, but now I wish I could have spoken up sooner. It wasn't easy, and shame was my biggest emotion. I was ashamed to tell anyone about what happened, the bullying, and how much I hated myself. I'm trying not to let it weigh me down, but I'm just lost.

I’m on medication only for (Wellbutrin) adhd and I’m autistic I have nighttime depression and it’s really hard to get to sleep because when I try I think about it and I want to harm myself but I haven’t in years and then I end up looking up shit related and I’m scared to talk to my therapist about it because I can’t afford to get put in a hospital because I work always and I know I can’t unless court ordered or whatever shit it stresses me out just thinking about it and I spiral and I have been for about and hour and I’m just not sure what I can do and I out all this on my poor sweet boyfriend and he says it’s okay but I feel horrible for being this way :(

Hey guys,

So, when's the last time you actually took notes after therapy? l've been thinking about this because, honestly, l never do. l usually have my therapy sessions after work, but by the time l'm off work, i'm completely wiped out. The idea of writing anything down feels impossible, and l always forget a buncha the stuff we discussed.

I feel like I'm not getting as much out of my sessions as l could be tbh

Do you guys take notes during or after therapy? How much do you guys do it and do you have a shortcut to notes?

Would appreciate any advice.

Hi folks. I'm not sure how to best articulate this, but it's been going around and around in my head and I'm exhausted trying to understand myself.

Long and short of it: I have diagnosed C-PTSD from a really rough childhood (physical, psychological, sexual abuse) but have grown up in a fairly stable liberal Western democracy. I have never seen war, famine, indiscriminate death. I have heard about such things from family (e.g., veterans, Great Depression survivors, etc.); I have read about such things extensively in my work as a researcher.

What always strikes me is how familiar such accounts feel. I read Svetlana Alexeivich's /The Unwomanly Face of War/ (about female Red Army soldiers during WWII), I read about soldiers crawling through mud and blood and vomit to defuse mines, about partisans being tortured in Gestapo basements and I feel... familiarity. I read the anonymous journal published as /A Woman in Berlin/, about the bone-crushing ache of hunger and assault after the fall of Berlin, and I feel familiarity. I read about the experiences of soldiers after war, old or current, and I recognize the habits, the patterns, the triggers. And not just recognize them, I feel like I know them intimately -- a strong sense of "yes, I know what that's like."

But biographically, I don't. Not in any first person way. So it always frustrates me, even embarrasses me, when I have this sense of recognition. It feels like stealing valor. Self-indulgent. Of course you can't know what that's like, I think. Of course you only have the illusion of familiarity. But it's there. Deep in my body. I walk around with a grief and a trauma in my body and brain that I've only ever seen mirrored in these sorts of accounts. And I just can't make sense of it. No amount of rationalizing or explaining makes it go away. I feel more like a soldier, a partisan, a survivor of abject horror more than like anyone around me; and I hate that I feel that. It seems strikingly disrespectful to people who have actually lived through such horrors.

The more I try to make sense of it -- something as far-fetched as past life memories? -- the more foolish it seems. But I just cannot shake it. My current theory is that it's just trauma recognizing trauma, and the language and narrative of war accounts is particularly similar to the kind of chaotic, hopeless uncertainty of my own traumatic circumstances. I once had a professor ridicule me for saying that post-trauma symptoms were interfering with my ability to perform music in front of an audience. "People survived concentration and labor camps and could still play their instruments," he said. But I'm one of those people, I wanted to respond. Of course, I'm not. And I don't mean in any way to make light of appropriate the suffering of others. But years later, this feeling remains, and I'm still trying to make sense of it.

So the title is confusing but I 22f have PTSD from the army while having covid in 2020 (whole thing). My husband 23m and I got married at 19/18 before I shipped out. When I came home I was an absolute mess with severe untreated PTSD. Fast forward some years we’re doing significantly better and my ptsd is largely managed. However, we’re really come to realize we struggle with romance, specifically him. He and I believe it’s from fear of being too open because I had gotten so bad he’d accepted likely losing me. Now that we’re in a safe time, I dont think his unconscious knows how to let that fear go and feel comfortable being romantic and light hearted like that.

Does anyone have any advice or tips for similar issues? Just lacking ideas rn

Recently, I've been feeling like i am more than willing to completly stop doing what makes me happy for the sake of being alive and avoiding more pain. Someone tells me to stop writing my story? I'll do it. Someone tells me to stop enjoying a game i like? I'll do it. Someone tells me to give them my money as compensation for "offending" them? I'll do it.

I don't think i care anymore about being happy. I'll do anything to avoid a confrontation, I just want to stay alive. Is this bad?