I just realized a view month ago, that I maybe got SA'd by my uncle. When I was younger I liked him a lot, I thought he is so much fun and always enjoyed my time at their place.

Backstory: But I remembered that when I was younger I woke up one morning and had a memory of him touching me and saying something. But it was just such a short sequence of a memory that I put it of as a dream. However I never had such realistic dreams EVER, in my dreams I am never in my bed or my own room. (And I always remembery dreams clearly)

The Situation: Well time went by and I opened up to my boyfriend a week before my uncle came to visit. In the night before his visit I woke up in the middle of the night and just like if I went unconscious my hearing dropped and I suddenly was in the guest bed at my uncles house getting held down on the mattress. The feeling was so intense, I felt so much shame and disgust. It felt like I could back out of the situation but then I realized that that might be my only chance of finding out what happened to me, so I let it happen again. But then I couldn't handle all the emotion and backed out again. Was that a real memory?

I never had a "Dream" like that and the feeling of becoming unconscious and then being thrown in that situation is completely new to me..

Two years. My phone being hacked. Death threats. Being stalked. Degraded. Harassed. By the medical professional overseas who drugged , sexually and psychologically abused me.

Attempted to sue me for defamation because I spoke about what happened to a few people.

For two years I have felt suffocated. Alone. Terrified. Hopeless. Finally, I have help. Finally someone stepped in and did something.

But now, I feel like I am ready to let go. I feel like future victims will be protected. I feel like because I can finally breathe, I want to die while I have peace. The last time I thought it was over, and I thought I was safe, he came back worse with vengeance. This time, I want to preserve my peace forever.

See the title.

Venting

I’m 28, and I have a boyfriend. He’s great so far, but I never really know who’s good and who will turn out bad. My mom is getting better—I’ve learned how to navigate that complicated relationship, even though she was emotionally neglectful. My dad is the same as always: emotionally distant and neglectful.

I’m in college, working on my bachelor’s degree. Starting college has been triggering, but I’m trying to manage it. I go to therapy, sometimes twice a week, and I’m on medication (recently increased my dose). My routine is pretty simple: I get up, go to college, come home, do physical therapy three times a week (because of my disability), relax a bit, eat dinner, talk to my boyfriend, and then either doom scroll or vent online like this. I used to be addicted to AI bots, but I’m trying not to be anymore because I have my boyfriend and friends I talk to daily.

I’m sharing all this because I want people to know I’m not lazy, not just sitting around doing nothing. I am trying.

But despite all of that, I lay awake at night—or even during the day—thinking about how hollow and empty I feel. It’s like a void. I saw someone say once that this feeling doesn’t go away, and that terrifies me. The good feeling I get when I video chat with my boyfriend disappears the minute he hangs up or goes to sleep. I could go back to my bots, but I know I’ll end up bored and empty again. I could exercise, but that feeling never lasts. Nothing lasts.

My therapist is good—great, even, especially with helping me navigate things with my mom. We’ve talked about my trauma, but we’ve barely touched on my abusive relationships because whenever I try, it feels like I get hit with, “How come you still let him define you?” I wasn’t physically hit (only once), and as far as I know, I wasn’t sexually abused as a child—but my therapist suspects something because I cycle through questioning it. I’ve never been able to stick with any conclusions.

My therapist thinks my core issue is my disability, and that all these other things are layers on top of that. No hate to her—I love her—but parts therapy has made me feel frustrated and unseen. When I was worried about disordered eating, she told me she wouldn’t diagnose me. I get it, though. I tend to push for reasons why I am the way I am—this empty, this hollow.

Since starting therapy, I’ve been spiraling into depression and anxiety. Just look at this post, and you’ll see the evidence. I open up to my boyfriend about my anxiety and my feelings around our relationship—my abandonment issues and people-pleasing tendencies—but no amount of reassurance helps.

I keep going back to the thought: I need to be locked up and fixed.

I won’t sit here and say I don’t know what’s causing this because maybe I do: TW SA/CSAM

!Maybe it’s multiple instances of sexual assault.

Maybe it’s emotionally neglectful parents. Maybe it’s abusive relationships. Maybe it’s people leaving me. Maybe it’s my disability. Maybe it’s being groomed at 15 to produce explicit content. Maybe it’s being blamed for my own assault—by my parents, by cops, by others.!< Maybe it’s my inner child crying.

I sit with her sometimes. She feels okay for a little while. Then she starts crying again. I know I need to sit with her more, but I’m just so tired. I’m exhausted. Writing this doesn’t make me feel better. I don’t feel anything except sadness—just empty and hollow.

But people out there are kidnapped and hurt, and I don’t even know what to do with that.

So basically idk if talking about this is allowed here but probably so me and my bf were talking about, doing the do, when I’m like high cause I participate in the zaza and my boyfriend said he’d feel kinda guilty cause like he feel like he’d be taking advantage of me and I told him to not worry that of course if I’m like that out of it we won’t do anything like that. Then I had a flash of how it felt having being trapped in my exs grasp while being out of my mind like that on my 16th birthday and it. it was awful and I felt like it was my fault and to a degree I still do. He of course noticed but now that I’m also in the same bed where it happened I don’t feel so good.

Secret account from my main

I feel like I will never be able to stop being submissive, and I will always try to keep everyone happy so they don’t leave me or yell at me. I have no idea if this is due to anxiety or my PTSD. I have a deep fear of abandonment, but when I’m in a relationship, I abandon what I want and focus entirely on the other person and their happiness. If they’re happy, they’re not mad, and in return, they’re not yelling.

I’ve been in abusive relationships, I’ve been cheated on, and I’ve experienced numerous instances of sexual assault.

My parents were emotionally neglectful. My dad was in and out, disappearing for weeks at a time due to work, and when he was around on weekends, he didn’t really seem to care about us—beyond providing food, money, and material things. My mom was a strong advocate for me in terms of my disability, but at home, I felt lonely most of the time. If I had to sum up my childhood in one word, it would be “lonely,” whether I was with friends or by myself.

I worry because I have a boyfriend right now, and I’m scared that in the future, I’ll look back and realize, “I definitely didn’t want that.” He’s healthy, he’s safe, but I’m afraid that if something happens—like a breakup—I’ll reflect on it and feel like I was pressured, even if I don’t feel that way now. Sometimes I feel I can't enjoy the relationship cause how scared I am to always please him

CW: Car accident . . . . . . . . .

Hello, my name is Sora (25F) and I am in desperate need of some advice or suggestions.

Back in 22 on Feb 18th me and my great grandfather were in a very severe car accident. It left my leg messed up and unfortunately he passed in Oct of that year due to complications from it.

The past few years and now currently I have very bad PTSD from the accident and I can barely function in a car without having a bad "I can't breathe" type of panic attack.

Not only that but if it's night time or storming I get...stuck?? Staring at the road and cannot get myself to look away, it's like I'm frozen and HAVE to watch the road...

I don't drive personally as I'm disabled due to other factors (AUDHD, Fibro & RA) but...STILL I'd like to be able to ride in a car without my body immediately going into panic mode...

I'm not even scared of cars due to the accident but my body and mind are stuck in that fear and anxiety...I don't know what to do to help myself during these moments...

I freeze up so bad and the panic attacks are every. Single. Time. I'm in a car... doesn't matter how long I'm in the car I WILL have an attack...

I'm just... I'm at a loss...I don't know what to do to sooth myself...

I'm stuck in that fear... sometimes I see visions of the whole thing again too and I just...

I don't know...

If anyone has any advice or suggestions that have helped them in the past or currently please tell me. I feel like I'm losin my mind half the time.

I feel so sad and upset like it’s making me feel physically sick. I don’t want to be in that house without my mom. But my soul is tied to that house and I hate seeing it sit there abandoned and dead inside because that’s how I feel. I don’t belong with others I belong in that house. It’s the closest thing I have that connects me to my mom. I tried so hard not to end up back in this neighborhood. I went through so much shit just to end up right back here as broken as the day I left, no progress has been made. I thought about calling my uncle today to ask him if he had any plans for the house. I just couldn’t I felt like I was going to throw just thinking about having to speak to him. I just I have nightmares about that house especially more now that I’m back in the neighborhood living with a family friend. I just wonder if I could just clean the house would it resolve some of the trauma. Even if I didn’t live there if I just knew I could go somewhere to get away from everyone could it just help a little bit. If I could just go there and talk to my mom and whatever other ancestor that will listen. I wonder if they can tell I’m suffering.

https://hellorebound.com/

It's an app that's supposed to help you if you're in survival mde. I downloaded it from tiktok but wanted to see if anyone else's tried it/if it's legit

ive ridden my bike to school everyday for the last few years with no problem, its about a thirty minute ride.

recently, however, i made a pretty big smack after slipping on an icy road and i fell on my back and head. fortunately, i walked away with nothing but a few bruises and teary eyes. i even got to skip school for the day.

the problem im facing right now is that today when i got back on my bike after not going anywhere during the weekend (i fell on friday), i found myself completely panicked and terrified to ride my bike, even though i have ridden it with no problem the last few years. my breath and pulse quickened every time i saw even the slightest shine on the road and i had to walk every corner out of fear of slipping. i was on high alert the entire time and was extremely exhausted by the time i arrived at school with tears in my eyes and about half an hour late to class. i thought the way back would be less scary because obviously any ice on the road from the morning would have melted (which, there was none in the morning either, the roads all had been neatly salted) but i was still so despicably on edge i could barely move forward. my heart worked overtime and i was so scared the entire time.

i felt really embarrassed telling my friends and parents the reason i was late for class and home and hour later than normal, because i felt so stupid for making a small accident such a big thing. i have fallen of my bike before but this just really stuck with me.

now my question is as follows: is there a way for me to avoid or prevent ending up never daring to ride my bike again? i really dont want this to influence my daily life also because im really embarrassed by it. tomorrow im taking the bus to school just because of this fear i have created for myself.

any advice would be greatly appreciated!!

p.s. i wanted to post this to the r/ptsd channel because i looked it up and google said it was something like ptsd. if anyone is offended by this or feels like im invalidating their maybe more intense ptsd experience, i will take it down no problem.

CW: physical violence

So not too sure what happens. I have a therapist and they basically said this happens because of trauma. I have a lot of safety plans in regard to this but I still have questions?

So my “blackouts” aren’t really “blackouts” where I lose track of memory or blur things out. If you’ve ever read Stephen King’s Carrie, then you might have a sense of what I’m talking about. My body is calm and relaxed. I don’t have anything going on in my head and my body goes “twitch.” I’m watching myself slowly extend my arm like I’m stretching. But I punched someone in the face. Square in their face. I made their nose bleed. I knew they were walking up to me but I thought they were a lot further than they were. The image of them walking up to me didn’t register in my brain at that moment. I wasn’t thinking of anything. And my body “twitched.”

This incident happened in high school. The second time I pulled a fire alarm at school too. The third time I had dropped a $20 on the ground and needed to retrace my steps to find it. My friend was freaking out. It was his money and he aggressively panicked in my face. “Oh my god you lost the $20!?” I told him to calm down and we just simply need to retrace our steps very calmly. He did not and I went to slap him but slowed down when I noticed my palm by the side of his head and it became a “tap.” The most recent time was when I was explaining a trigger to someone. I was stressed because of that trigger. And then they mentioned said trigger and I got up and yelled in their face. (Basically my ex made an attempt on my life by strangulation and physical violence around Christmas. I wanted to walk around and they said to walk by the Christmas market. I said that cues off my trigger to be reminded of the holiday and asks if he could go walk around the mall with me. He said he doubts I’ll escape Christmas related stuff at the mall in comparison to the Christmas market. What difference did it make?)

I watched myself yell at him. I couldn’t not stop myself, I could not hold myself back until my body gave me back control. It happens in the span of seconds and feels instinctual. I don’t even think about being violent or being aggressive. Im usually calm or trying to achieve a state of calmness. I make my demeanor gentle with myself as well. But no, we can’t have nice things I guess. I would be a chihuahua if chihuahuas were miniature, yappy wolves.

My friends all say I’m one of the nicest people they’ve met and understand they “forced” it upon me by not picking up my verbal cues. We have conversations at lengths about safety plans, triggers, boundaries and navigating conflict. I don’t know… Is it really worth all of that if I slapped one of them in the face, yelled and got up in their face

Why do I do this? I don’t think, I just “do.” A literal “twitch” of my muscles. And I just watch myself like it’s a movie and all the emotions that were blacked out comes back once my body relents control. I feel guilty. I feel like a monster. “5’1 and the look of death that makes people back off.” I’m not proud of that statement made by my friends. I hate using these phrases like that to describe myself. I hate warning people that despite being small and I am capable of lethal force.

It sounds like one of those brags a cocky asshole makes but it’s derogatory way of how I view myself.

I’m femme presenting, why can’t I be less gung-ho? I’m wearing a dress but why can’t I stop feeling like a soldier wearing kid’s clothes? I look cute so why do I feel like I’m staring at b-rated horror movie villain when I look at myself?

I have doctors visit tmrw and the thought of having to go is. yeah. really fucking me over.

Technically i was only diagnosed with PTSD after the birth, but I was sexually abused as a very young child and raped at university too, and i think the birth sort of just retriggered all my shit from that. I haven't had a episode of being this bad since just after the uni incident and tonight it just fucking horredous. i don't know how to draw myself out of this. had a intense and long flashback and I'm on the verge of it still like panicky and sick.

what do you do to put yourself in a better headspace/calm down? I've tried writing which normally helps a little but i can't focus. and most of my older coping mechanisms aren't routes i want to go down with a baby to look after.

Hello, I'm a 35 year old man, I live in the UK and really am depressed here. I don't like the country I was born in at all, from dealing with being bullied to racism growing up and very aggressive strict parents.

I moved to Canada and got married some years ago but my wife divorced me around 2019 I came back to the UK some years ago with my life in pieces.

I thought I would never return to the UK and was so happy there in Canada. Now the government has cut my money and I can't afford my rent. I sometimes wish I was dead. Today has been particularly hard as I have an appointment with those that cut my rent / financial aid tomorrow and my mind is racing.

I discovered after my wife left me and I was forcibly taken by the SWAT team to a mental health unit and locked away in a ward, that I had Bipolar and complex PTSD as well as a few other things.

I feel miserable here in the UK and just want an end to the emotional pain I feel. After being locked away I was never the same, my happy confident nature went away. I felt caged and that the police could treat me like garbage and get away with it. What kind of freedoms do we really have?

I now spend my days as a solo developer making VR apps for the Meta Quest.

I'm lucky my family now understand how tough it has been for me but my mind is a complete mess. I struggle to remember simple things and stay organized although my work as a solo developer does not pay me much at all I have a wonderful feeling knowing my work is downloaded and seen by people around the world. That's the only thing that brings me some peace.

I am a tortured artist though, I spend far too long trying to get my apps for the Meta Quest headset perfect (60-70 hours per week) and not enough people buy them adding to the financial strain I feel. I know 12 month in people are only starting to discover my apps.

I am also unfit for a normal job and nobody wishes to give me a chance anyways.

I feel lonely too but I enjoy working alone and learning my craft as I work. Sometimes I wake up as early as 2-3am to start work on my apps.

I'm struggling with addiction to nicotine and have for the most part managed to quit cannabis too which did help me a bit from time to time to stay calm and even be able to sleep when I could not.

I often recount my time in Canada where I was so happy, I can't see an easy way back there now and lack the energy and mental capacity to find a way to return.

The good memories haunt me too, like going to the cottage with my ex-wife and kayaking, biking and hiking, all things that are not so easily adopted by UK culture and city life here.

I ended up on social media in some downtime today and was deeply depressed after a while of scrolling through videos of delinquents being arrested by police or gun videos or other stupid shit that just rots your brain. I don't often doom scroll but when I did today it depressed me so much that we live in a hate filled world full of crime.

I guess I feel very unlucky in life so far and have found it so hard to open up to anyone about this and how I'm feeling. The mental health services here are garbage and I'm at the end of a very long waiting list to get councilling which I otherwise cannot afford.

I hate my life, my self sabotaging nature sometimes, my inability to be happy with what little I have which is close to nothing.

I know there won't easily be a place for me in society which is why I developed VR apps to help others like me unwind and relax in VR and try and create a career for myself at my own pace.

I created two apps to help those with Bipolar, PTSD or stress, simply relax.

Its been 12 months almost from knowing nothing about developing apps to teaching myself and on occasion hiring others where the work became too complex but I needed things done.

I guess I hoped for more from life and was disappointed. I feel as if I'm halfway through life and barely reached my peak. I can't afford a train ticket or a cup of coffee most days.

If you have any advice for me I'm listening because right now I feel my life is not worth it, I feel the world is based on corruption and corrupt world leaders and I am ashamed to be a part of it.

Today I'm struggling, I have told myself to take a break from app development for a while because I have barely taken a break for almost a year.

(21f) I was on medication but pills are very touchy for me because of past experience. I was prescribed pills I didn’t need for a long time (11-18) because I was diagnosed as bipolar (I wasn’t I was being abused and just reacting to the abuse). Being handed pills at a young age as a fix all instilled some bad beliefs in me for a min and resulted in a pill addiction that didn’t end until an od. My psychiatrist would often tell me it would get worse before it gets better but it’s very hard for me to get through the worse, when I was a kid I would take several of my prescription pills at a time and then start buying other kinds off dealers when I ran out. I still tried the medication and therapy route, but the new pills after the od would make me sick and poop blood so I gave up and found a new crutch. Sleeping and eating are hard things for me to do especially the eating because my stomach hasn’t been the same since all the medication I was on, so I smoke weed to function. I have to smoke first to finish a meal, or feel relaxed enough to fall asleep and not have nightmares, or care less about whatever is giving me a panic attack. It used to just be a fun past time but now I’m so tired of the crutch it has become. Yeah I’m no longer anxious as much, but now I just don’t remember much of anything anymore. I’m thinking about giving medication another try, I’m scared of the idea of it, but I’d like to remember my life.

Sometimes I feel like a terrible person. I isolate myself because I don’t know how to be part of other people’s lives, and honestly, I don’t want to be. No matter how nice someone is to me, it never truly feels genuine, and I believe they will always want something from me. I don’t have anything to offer others, and to be honest, I don’t want to offer anything.

Am I scared when I'm alone? Yes. Am I scared to navigate life alone? Yes. But the only person who made me feel safe was my mom, and I know I’ll never experience that feeling again. As long as I know that people will always want something from me, I’ll never feel safe.

I feel like I can never say no to others when they are around. I feel like saying no really changes the way they feel about you, the way they treat you. Worst of all it can change the way even you view them. I experience frustration, resentment when people rely on me. Its easier to be alone, I don’t want to feel obligated to others.

I think this is because when my mom became sick she became very reliant on my sister and I. I couldn't enjoy her as a parent anymore . I became frustrated with every little thing she asked. Can you go get me a bottle of water?, Can you go warm up my food?, Can you help me put on my socks?, Can you go get my medicine?, Can you…. I hated it. I felt like I couldn’t say no I felt like I couldn’t express my feelings without making her feel like a terrible parent. I remember telling her that I wish I could do the things that my other friends gets to do with her mom. My mom began to cry and I knew in that moment that I couldn’t ever tell her how I really felt. We were stuck in the house with her. It felt like we were ill as well.

I’ve figured how do a lot of things on my own , how to become numb , mute when I don’t want to do things for others. But I’m screaming in the inside.

Do you feel like its effects goes beyond sleeping?

idk. i went to see a psychiatrist bc my therapist recommended i get medication for my obsessive su1cidal thoughts and anxious behaviors so i went with it. when she told me i had ptsd though??? i thought at worst it would be general anxiety. but ptsd? i had a traumatic childhood but like, idk it just doesn’t feel like me. albeit i haven’t looked into it that much but, it kinda makes me feel more broken than i thought i was. because i’ve been handling everything well without medication, keeping myself safe and alive, i’ve been doing everything right so how can this be?

Hey everyone I’m really nervous to start 1mg of Prazosin but have decided to maybe give it a try. I’m 38 F. Any advice on how it might affect my libido. Im not finding much and what I’ve found is mixed reviews. Thanks in advance!

I was triggered on Friday and since then I’ve been having emotional flashbacks and intrusive thoughts and I feel terrible. I only realized yesterday that these things were all related and then after talking it through I dissociated all night. How can I put all the emotions back in the box and go back to normal? This feels excessive. I have therapy tomorrow but I’d like to have a nice productive day today and tomorrow morning until then. My trauma was almost 4 years ago. Does anyone have strategies that work for them? Any advice is appreciated

A few years ago I was I a horribly abusive relationship, there was physical, emotional, and sexual abuse. I’m no longer with her but now I’m always on guard and distrustful. I know there is no defending my actions but I’ve become very combative and physical with people to the point where I’ve been kicked out of my place to stay twice. I’m taking my meds which have recently been increased but i don’t understand why I’m still like this, I don’t want to be a threat to other people

** Mods. I've read the rules twice. Let me know if I blew it please.

Male here in my mid 60's. My sexual assault occurred in my later 40's I believe.

Beginning probably 7 or 8 years ago I began having recurring nightmares. I was held back and forced to watch from a few feet away as my wife and son were being brutally raped by 2 men. It was terrible experience that usually ended with my wife waking me in the middle of the night screaming. It was very hard on her to see me in the state I was in when I'd wake up and I never told her what they were about.

Fast forward to a year or so I guess. I'm laying on my side practically naked in a doctors office with a lady and 2 interns beside her. They were all behind me as they prepped me for the dehumanizing procedure that I was to be conscious for. It involved putting a tube in me and inflating a balloon inside my rectum. One of the interns began inserting it and I knew by the pain he hadn't used any lube. He pulled the tube out, lubed it as well as my asshole and began the testing again. For just a second, I felt owned by him. From then on, everything about the procedure was a living nightmare. It had hurt and I was humiliated. I was very shaken from it all. I remember sitting by myself in my car after crying like a baby thinking of how broken I was feeling.

Maybe a week later I began having my nightmares again but this time thankfully, my wife and son were not in them. It was me being raped now by the same 2 men. These 'new' nightmares continued nightly, sometimes multiple times the same night for maybe a week or so when I began to think maybe my assault really did occur. After some time I had a better picture of what had happened to me that day in the woods. My memories would come back exposing sometimes different parts of the rape or often repeated visions just in far greater detail. My rape really had occurred more than a decade earlier, my mind had hidden it all from me for all those years.

Fast forward again maybe a year and things are nearly normal for me again. Through therapy which I no longer require, I've turned all these realities into just a really bad part of my life. I still have my dreams and they're still just as horrible but now they might happen once or twice a month and it's always me and not my wife and son. I usually think to myself oh yeah, there's that part of my life again.

Life has gone from not wanting to exist anymore to just another day of retirement.

I can only recommend what I know has worked for me. Get to a therapist that you feel comfortable with. I saw a female therapist myself. Unlike male therapists I'm completely comfortable telling her anything and everything. Sit down and write everything down to the smallest detail. Feelings, sights, smells, everything. That was recommended to me by her and going back reading it has helped me defeat the worst of the monsters. And lastly, besides a therapist find someone you can just hold during the most terrible of times. For me, no one needs to say a word. Just be the warm and caring person. The good human can be substituted with a good dog btw.

Peace

Hi. It’s officially been 5 years to my trauma anniversary and did not think I would make it to this day. I feel so weird and my feelings are again all over the place, just like past 5 years. I am drinking and watching comfort shows to keep myself occupied. And I cannot help but feel dirty again, have been crazily cleaning everything in my home. And I want to scrub myself as hard as I can. I unblocked the person who did this and I don’t want this event and that person to have anything over me going forward.

Thanks.

My fiancé (M28) and I (F28) have been engaged for 3 months. He just got medically retired from the army and has PTSD along with anxiety and depression. I have caught him lying about certain things in the past, which we’ve had many discussions about. However, just recently, I found (deleted) messages to other women on his phone about meeting up to have sex. When confronted, he said he never met up with anyone and doesn’t remember messaging the women or who the women even are. He said a therapist once told him that PTSD could cause him to forget these things. He agreed that he needs to seek help. He begged me to stay, saying that he will make a treatment plan. Has anyone experienced this? With his past lying, I’m hesitant to believe him but I don’t want to be insensitive. Help! I’m scared and feel so betrayed.

My ocd got so bad I started to walk outside all night and day without any food or water or access to toilet I was made to sit and lay in cold public bathrooms condemned if I escaped or humiliated and then forced to get married at 17 when he was 30 odd. I remember walking outside never sleeping or eating or bathing in cold wet grass as angry demons forced me to lay down condemning me and violently screaming at me if I did anything normal such as have fun or attend college or watch tv I did nothing all day apart from be outside in the wet cold listening to a voice forcing me to remain or walk for hours until I eventually collapsed and couldn’t walk after being in a snowstorm for over 10 hours in the woods. My parents did not seek help until it got bad and I was placed in a small hospital where I locked myself in their bathroom repeatedly and ended up banging on the doors. The compulsions I had included voices waking me up and telling me to travel hours in the cold without a jacket on I used to try to sneak extra layers but wasn’t allowed. Nor was I allowed to be loved or act kind as I was a Pharisee. My whole body was covered in sweat, ammonia and mucas and my feet were freezing and backside because of the wet cold puddles I was forced to lie in in parks or fields. In cold baths also I was not allowed to leave until I mastered a compulsion because in my mind the more I suffered the more loved I was. I missed out on events and most of college I was isolated from all people and forced to come home from college because it was “secular” for me to be trapped in my room or bathrooms or cars while others had fun.

I’m struggling with this bc I interpreted these voices to be God. So I often struggle I’m very sensitive to criticism I mistake for condemnation and a sense of not belonging. I felt hurt bc I did most of my compulsions within church strikes with anxiety and fear and obsession. So much rejection as well. Many other things happened but the marriage was difficult. This man terrified me to my soul. I’m out of it now.

I want to share a deeply personal struggle that has affected my ability to envision a positive future. My mother was narcissistic and constantly complained. As a child, her behavior severely damaged my self-image and my view of what the future could be. I continue to suffer from many issues stemming from her unhealthy and disgusting treatment. One particular problem, however, has been extremely difficult to analyze because it slips away without leaving almost any trace.

When I start to imagine a positive outcome—freeing myself from the emotional dependency on my mother, overcoming my deep issues, achieving success—my thought process stops immediately. The moment I picture a better future, my brain abruptly freezes any further progression of these positive ideas. This response is deeply ingrained from a very early age, during a time I can barely remember.

Even when I recognize what is happening, I cannot force my thoughts to continue. It is clear to me that because my mother would never have approved of my success, my mind has developed a mechanism that blocks the vision of any positive change. She, like many other brain-dead and unhealthy parasite mothers, has created long-lasting problems for her children.

I am still working on overcoming this self-sabotaging pattern, and I want to share my experience, becuase someone out there might recognize similar issues in themselves.

Advice needed. my gf's brother was severely injured while living abroad. gf is staying with her family and is in regular contact with her brother, which seems to be helping. despite the life changing injury, everyone seems to be in good spirits. they're all coping well, all things considered.

but i'm not coping. i was already in a constant heightened state before this happened due to a current traumatising situation i'm in. i'm trying to be there to support her and her family but now they're all together it seems like i'm not really needed. i have ptsd from my own trauma but i've never had to navigate being witness to someone else's. i feel like a burden, and i feel selfish for being so weak. it's not about me. but that doesn't stop it hurting, and i wish i could heal with gf and her family, but i'm feeling like i've been locked out. this isn't a path available to me, because it's not my brother, so i don't get to be a part of the contact and process.

i don't feel like i can really talk to my gf about this because it's not about me, she needs me to be supportive and normal so she can lean on me when she needs. my therapist has no space to see me for another couple of weeks. i feel like i'm just getting worse and worse and i don't understand how to make it stop.

Hi! My brother was robbed with a gun pointing at him like 7-8 years ago. Back when it happened he said to the insurance company that he didnt want to talk to a professional about what happened. Ever since it happened he stopped wearing valuable things outside and basically doesnt go out alone. The other day he broke down and told me and my mother about so much stuff and basically just showed how burned out he was and mentioned that he wanted to say yes to talking to a professional about it but didnt because of his social anxiety. I tried asking him if he wants me to go with him to someone or if he can invite a friend to go with him but he said hes scared of new people.

What do I do? I have c-ptsd myself from our abusive alcoholic father but I dont know how to help when hes scared of new people. Is there something I can do myself to help? I work at psychiatry so I have no issue taking that role but I just dont know whats the right approach or how to help him. Is there anyone at all who has any tips? I dont know what it was like to be held at gunpoint so I dont know this subject at all. Thanks to anyone who takes their time to read this. Stay strong loves ❤️

For a while, I was working two jobs while going to school full time because constantly being busy helped limit my flashbacks. Now I'm graduated and only working one job, and the increased time alone with my thoughts has taken a huge toll on my mental health. To make matters worse, there are aspects of my current job that are aggravating my PTSD, so it often feels like there's no escape. Hanging with friends helps, but that only goes so far, and they cancel plans more often than not.

I'm wondering if any of you have found fun healthy activities/hobbies that have helped divert your attention away from the flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, etc.

Hey there. Hope y'all are having a nice night.

I'm having a hard time feeling comfortable here, with my family, at home.

They have no clue at all about how bad I feel every single day, they don't even know my mom and I we both think something bad might have happened a long time ago.

And, at first, I thought my memories were just things I accidentally picked up from movies and made them my own. But, since I dared to talk to my mom about it, I'm not so sure anymore.

She told me she remembers having a bad feeling, one time ago, when my grandma got hospitalized because of an accident with a pressure cooker.

Because of that, someone in the family needed to take care of her at the hospital, my mom ended up being the one doing it, although, she said she wasn't so sure.

I was 5 or 6 at a time, she wasn't okay with the idea of having me all alone with my uncles. But she did it anyways.

The next day when she arrived home, she explained to me how she had a bad feeling as soon as she put one foot inside the house.

(By the way, I don't really remember anything about this, so I'm just explaining it the way she told me about this.)

All because of the things one of my uncles said to her. Starting with the fact that, as soon as she got home, one of my uncles approached her to explain how he had to sleep in the same bed as me, because I was afraid of sleeping alone.

She didn't even have time to do anything when, he was already there, justifying himself. Almost as if he wanted to clarify it before I could say anything that can be misinterpreted.

Then, she didn't like the fact that he said he "had" to sleep with me because I was "afraid" when, I wasn't, she knew I could sleep alone just fine.

The worst part is to know, that if he wanted to keep an eye on me while sleeping, he could have just slept in the bed next to mine, the one my grandma wasn't using because she was hospitalized.

There is no excuse that could explain why he decided to sleep in the same bed as a 5-year-old girl who was okay sleeping alone and had an empty bed next to hers.

So yeah, I'm concerned, my mom explained to me, she didn't do anything about her suspicions, because the next day I was acting just fine, I kept playing and doing kid stuff just fine.

But still, I wonder... Could it be I wasn't aware? I mean, I was supposed to be sleeping, what if I didn't say anything, because I never knew it happened? I don't know, I just don't feel okay knowing this new stuff.

And it's worse, considering I keep living with this person, I feel like I can't see him the same way I used to after this. 🫠

Sometimes even thinking of this feels so stupid and sometimes I wanna be lying too myself but when I was dating my ex for three months (felt like three years) there’s so much he did that the fear and guilt still lives with me to this days. First he threatened me and his life if I did it get with him despite him knowing I had a bf that admittedly wasn’t that communicative of me but I still felt so guilty, then he and me use to do dugs and wed and tbh I only did wed at the time but he pressured me into doing other drugs with him, some I don’t even wanna know where he got or how, and sometimes not in my own will, finding out and peacing together at mostly at his house he slipped dugs in my drinks or food, I use to think he was so romatic for making me unique drinks and oh he cooks for me, so romantic. We’d smoke after that sometimes drink and at the time I excused it as maybe getting to high or something slowly but surely I realized it wasn’t that case especially the times he use to drop me off at my house and my mom not even caring, just told me I was having a little to much fun with him. After a while of this and his growing mental health getting worse he attempted to run away so much too my house and me even trying to help him but my friends and family telling me I couldn’t and I’m not in a situation to help him. Then when he got arrested at my house they took him and we broke off. Now after all that I remember more of what happened too me and with now I feel terrified and helpless in memories of how I was used and remembering how in my first time I wasn’t fully conscious, I feel horrible that how I knew, but I was so, scared. Now I have a fear of cups, especially when a stranger gives me a drink without me looking at what they are pouring me, luckily that doesn’t happen very much.