TW: SA, intrusive thoughts

I thought that I was just anxious about the day ahead. I thought that it was admin, or school culture, or my lame coworkers. I figured crippling gut issues and pulling your hair out were a normal part of being my a teacher. Throwing up every morning before class is just nerves right? Spending 6 hours on the couch zoned out plucking every crinkly hair from my head was just normal zoning out stuff after a stressful day.

My childhood is basically one big burnt out film movie. Some parts are clear, others are just black. I can’t remember my birthdays. I don’t remember my sister being born, or getting my first pets. I hardly remember high school graduation. My father was a product of a psychopath and unfortunately didn’t fall far from that tree. It had a profound effect on me and I can’t even think about myself as a child without weeping. I don’t know what happened to me. I just have bits and pieces that don’t make sense.

Fast forward to now, I’m 27 and teaching high school myself. I wake up running to the bathroom to projectile vomit and shiver on the bathroom floor. I sweat and sit in the icy shower. I push myself through my morning routine and get out the door. Maybe one more upchuck into the class trash can before first period. Generally, I enjoy my work, teaching kids art, managing a large studio, and having the undisputed best job on campus, making art with kids all day.

But my body hates it. My body is screaming to get out. My therapist suggested that these may be emotional flashbacks or ‘amygdala hijacking’s’ , rather than panic attacks which I thought they were. They only happen before school. This has been going on for three years straight. It’s affecting other parts of my life in new ways too. I will sometimes have intrusive thought of my students when I’m masturbating right as I’m about to orgasm. It’s really disturbing and starts the negative cycle of self loathing and questioning my morality. I find myself constantly picking my skin, pulling out my hair, and self soothing in other destructive ways.

Does anyone else have this experience, as a CPTSD survivor working with children or in school settings? What did your body do to try and get your attention?

CW: brief mentions of porn, SA, and otherwise abuse

I feel so messed up for this and I don’t know why I do it, but I’m watching a new documentary right now about a woman who was horribly assaulted and I just.. I don’t know? I’ve realized I read a lot of books about women who were physically and sexually abused (my trauma) as well as tv shows and documentaries. Admittedly I’ve even sought out CNC videos (not to get off to, just.. to watch?) Anyone else do things like that?? or know WHY on earth I do this?!? I just feel so drawn to it all.. somehow it’s oddly comforting, and at the same time massively triggering for me. It’s upsetting and often makes me physically sick over it but I can’t stop going back to things depicting similar traumas to mine. Why?? Is it bad for me to do this??

What meds do you take? Any side effects?

So basically I used to be “friends” with this rich girl who had nothing but evil intentions for me, manipulated me into meeting a man 10 years older than me who ended up taking advantage of my naïvety. He was very abusive, exploitive and disrespectful asf. From my understanding this man preys on young vulnerable immigrant girls stalks where their dad works and gets them laid off, then sleeps with their daughters. I just can’t believe someone got away doing something so heinous and disgusting. My “friend” was basically dating that guy who abused me. She would constantly make comments like “I be shting on btches” “btches have to be careful with me” or “btches be dumb” or “i be violating btvhes” “ I be ending btches” “btches wish they were me” and that she gets guys and how girls wish they were her. She calls her male partners “assets” where she sets girls up with her boyfriends (assets like she mentioned earlier) and then those guys steal financial resources from the girls family. She would FaceTime me all day long and make up all these weird stories about her life. How “Palestinians are oppressed” or “Muslims are oppressed” I’m not even Muslim, I’m Hindu. She would call me a “Palestinian” because of my social class. This girls boyfriend literally rped me, and she didn’t give a shit, she continued FaceTiming me telling me bullsht stories about her boyfriends. I was suffering with pain, humiliation and guilt and she didn’t give two craps. Her comments made me feel super uncomfortable. And she did in fact did all the things she mentioned to me. And she did all this to me because I gave her an unintentional back massage when I was 15 and she was 18. She yelled at me and told me to back off, I got very teary eyed and apologized, but she didn’t accept it. And she set me up with one of her “assets”. She’s very egocentric like todays rappers are. I feel violated, humiliated and just insecure. I’m just suffering in constant bitterness everyday. I’ve never been called such words i’m the sweetest person in the world and the fact people make me seem like I’m that, is disgusting. Like i’ll never be able to feel myself or be confident badss ever again. I just don’t know what to do.

I have had far too many things thrown at me in my life. Including the death of my mom, trying to attack people due to displacement of emotional hurt, and more complex things I don't feel like explaining. I have anxiety, depression, and a panic disorder. This would, of course, put me at a higher risk of having it. Don't even get me started on all of the clear symptoms. Anyways, I tried talking to my dad about possibly getting checked and his almost immediate response was "why would you need to get checked?" This was a few months ago and it has stopped me from even suggesting the idea of me having it, but deep down I have a feeling that these traumatic experiences are really damaging me. The battle is over but the war is ongoing y'know? I do have a counselor and I was thinking of discussing it with her, but I'm not sure she can do the assessment.

Hi, I’m taking this to reddit in search of someone who might be a little more technologically apt than me. I recently decided that I want to take my abuser to court, I can’t live with the fact that he gets to have a life and live happy with every one in his life not having a single clue what he did while I have to sit here with PTSD and suffer every day after what he did to me. The only issue is most of the incriminating evidence of sexual assault and statutory rape which I had evidence of on my phone has since been deleted and I’m not sure what to do. Is there any way to recover photos and messages once they’re no longer in the recently deleted album? I have stuff from snapchat too that I’ve deleted if I can recover that that would work as well. Just anything I can do to get justice for myself would help. Thank you 🫶

So, I am a full grown adult woman who has been in the workforce for 10 years, and at pretty much every job there’s been one or two people that really get under my skin. For context, both of my parents were extremely emotionally volatile growing up. My dad would go from being fine one minute to snapping, shouting, slamming things, and occasional physical violence. My mom similarly would go from pleasant one minute to completely cold, saying incredibly pointed character attacks. All throughout school, I was pretty relentlessly bullied and shunned by groups of students who would either pretend to be my friends just to set me up for some random humiliating “prank,” or just outright say horrible things to me, trip me, throw my backpack in the dumpster etc.

I’ve done lots of therapy, distanced myself from my parents, and now have lots of wonderful friends, however I still feel like in confrontational work environments, I go right back to being that vulnerable little kid who absolutely crumbles. It can be something as simple as someone taking on a stern or confrontational tone of voice, to feeling ganged up on when someone brings their boss to a meeting where they disagree with me, I just immediately shut down and it takes all my mental energy to keep from crying.

I try to remind myself that it’s not personal, it’s just work, and that people from different cultures or backgrounds have different communication norms, but I just can’t help but feel completely overwhelmed in the moment. I worry that at some point, it is going to interfere with my career advancement if I struggle with having tough conversations. Has anyone else had a similar experience and has any tips on how to overcome it? I don’t want to be 40 years old and still crying in the bathroom because someone was mean to me at work.

I’m not sure if this is a CPTSD thing or a me thing, so I wanted to ask if anyone else can relate. Even when the symptoms are under control, I’ve always felt things more deeply than others around me. I grew up in a completely heartless family, immediate and extended, with the exception of my grandmother who felt deeply too (and who was crushed by abuse). I had to learn early how to hide my emotions while also being able to quickly read the emotions of others no matter how well they hid them, purely for survival. I’m not sure if this is why I feel so deeply or if it just means that I’m aware of it in ways someone else might not be. Or maybe I’m just overthinking. But is it common for us to feel things so deeply, even when we’re not triggered? As in, we feel love and joy more deeply, as well as the pain and fear we’re too familiar with?

I completed 6 weeks in a partial hospitalization program before stepping down to the intensive outpatient program I’m in now. Both programs are almost entirely group therapy, and I only get to meet 1-1 with the therapist about once a week. I’ve been able to learn a couple new skills in group, but I don’t feel like I’ve tackled any of the root issues. I’m nearing discharge and still in a really bad place mentally, despite participating as fully in the program as I could. The therapist of the program agrees that I have a LOT that needs to be worked through in individual therapy. We even chatted about the ideal situation being essentially a few hours of individual outpatient therapy a day for several weeks, but as far as I know that’s not really something that ever happens, right? She expressed concern about me going back to work in my current state and brought up that residential treatment may be an option, but we’re worried I won’t get enough 1-1 time there either. Does anyone have any thoughts, ideas, or experiences they can share?

I have trauma relating to my son's birth. Don't wanna get into the specifics but since his birth I've been watching Call the Midwives obsessively (even watching it in the hospital). It's not foe the means of therapy but almost more to cry. Has anyone else done that?

I (24F) was talking to my boyfriend (25M) last night about wanting to change my lifestyle. He is in the best shape of his life and I hear from just about everyone and their mother say that your 20s are crucial when it comes to investing in your health.

Before my trauma (19), I was in peak condition. I went to the gym 5 days a week, didn't drink regularly or smoke, ate clean, and drank tons of water. This all came to a halt after my trauma.

Fast forward to now, I've gained about 50-60 lbs from alcohol abuse. I don't exercise (I've grown to hate it) and find myself always reaching for foods high in sodium and sugar (a lot of wine, juice, ramen noodles, you get the idea).

I want to go back to my old-self, but have no desire to change any of my unhealthy habits. Maybe because it's every aspect of my life that needs to be changed so it's overwhelming? But even thinking about changing one thing today is intimidating.

How do you push yourself to practice healthy habits and self-care?

every untypical movement of my husband reminds me of this awful day. Everytime I close my eyes I see him lying on the floor. Every minute I am anxious that it could happen again. Anyone out there with the same struggle? Or any advice?

I’ve been reflecting a lot since I got diagnosed and noticed that the ptsd might be from more events than I thought. I had a lot of memories relating to old events pop up, like from over a decade ago. It is pretty much just memories of severe bullying. I remembered this person used to demand my password and read through my messages and judge me for them. If I tried to grab my phone or iPod whatever it was at the time she wouldn’t let me. She would dare me to give lap dances to whoever we had sleepovers with. I was a kid so I didn’t really get what I was doing. She would tap a knife against my forehead. She would tell me everyone hated me and my whole family. I know there is more and I’m not really ready for the trauma to come back to me.

I forgot I even had that trauma bc the trauma I got diagnosed because of was like over the past five years.

Is this normal when you’re newly diagnosed? Will it stop?

Small things seem to really trigger my emotions. I am one year out from my trauma. I am wondering is anyone else is experiencing the same. As an example, I was hiking the other day, something I’ve just started to feel the strength to do again. About 2 miles in, a very large deer, probably the biggest I’ve seen, ran across the path directly in front of me. The sudden surprise of it jumping out in front of me really upset me. The initial shock was a flood of emotions and adrenaline then after that, I proceeded to cry, and I couldn’t understand why. I immediately turned around and started to head back to my car without finishing the walk. It pretty much ruined the rest of the day for me. This happens with other things too. I can’t seem to handle small upsets like I used to. Any feedback is appreciated

As I've explored my cptsd diagnosis I'm beginning to attribute many of my physical health complications with my ptsd.

Just yesterday I was diagnosed with diverticulitis as a 34 year old female who stays fairly active with a not terrible diet.

I also have GERD, psoriasis, hypermobility, and migraines.

Anyone else attribute these things to their ptsd? What other aliments do you attribute to your diagnosis? Is there a correlation?

I suffer from brief psychosis when I’m off my meds. I recently had a break and beat up someone who loves me very much because I was hallucinating. Now that I’m back on my meds every time I think about what I did makes me sob uncontrollably and gives me tremendous anxiety. I can’t believe I did it. Is this possible to have ptsd from something I caused?

This isn’t asking for anything really, just a complete brain panic dump. In the last 4 weeks I have been lucky if I make it to work 2 days in the week. I have panic attacks in my sleep at the thought of work, and I toss and turn every night as I try to convince myself it will be manageable the next day. My supervisor has a scheduled call with me at 10am and I just don’t even know what to say, other than I am quite sure I will start crying. I’m a teacher, part of my PTSD comes from that, but I’ve got the spicy kind too from childhood so it’s layers. I am leaving the classroom at the end of the school year, and that’s only 4 weeks, but i honestly don’t know how to make it. I have to pay rent. But I am simply paralyzed. I just. Needed to put it somewhere because I am flailing.

I don't know what to do when I wake up from nightmares. I had a panic attack in the dream itself last night because of my abuser being there and when I woke up I felt like throwing up and my chest was tight and painful. I was too scared to go back to sleep. I really don't know what to do about that. I take Prazosin every night but maybe the dosage isn't high enough anymore. I feel helpless.

I was sexually assaulted two times. Once by a family friend. And once by my grandfather, my dads father. I was hospitalized twice because of this, and the manifestation of my PTSD symptoms. I thought my parents cared, it really felt like they did. They were taking all the steps they should take for me, but recently it feels like maybe I was idolizing the bare minimum. I went through my mothers messages and saw her contacting the family of the first guy who assaulted me. They also went and visited my grandfather, and when I got upset with them for that my mom said “You were being raped at the time, I believe you THINK he did something, but I think any little touch could have just set you off.” They dont believe me. At least not fully. I was talking to my girlfriend about a bunch of stuff my parents did, not just those two instances but a lot more. And she was getting angry, not at me but at them. More and more angry as I went on with what I assumed was normal, I just kinda wanted to rant to her about my parents keeping in contact with my abusers behind my back, but what I learned from that like 6 hour conversation is that they never really cared. They cared about themselves, and how they felt and looked to outsiders, but they dont care about me. They love me, but they dont even really like me. I just feel so hurt, but I know there’s nothing I can say that will get through to them. Nothing I haven’t already said before. Im moving out this summer, and moving in with my older brother. I hope I’m happier there, and feel more safe.

im a student and in need of money so i tutor 7th graders to get by. however, my will to live is completely gone and i am so broken to the point where i don’t want to live anymore. i constantly just feel like i am forced to stay alive and if it weren’t for my pets, i would have nothing to live for. i have been cancelling on work a lot lately but i can’t keep this up and i need to start attending my shifts but i constantly am just wishing i was dead to the point where it takes over all of my daily tasks. i can barely stand seeing my friends or anyone else i consider important in my life because having relationships of any kind have brought me so much pain in the past that i wish i could just disappear. i can’t get close to anyone even if i care about them and they seem to care about me. i have no interest in school and graduating university because i don’t see a future for myself at all.

I think it is real

TW details of some memories

I have been posting here a lot lately. Mentally, I am doing well. Apart from the last two days, where everything feels like the dam has been breeched.

Yesterday I had a moment of realisation. I don’t know kw where it came from. I was sitting in the back of the car watching my daughter play and was so thankful for her. Then this massive wave of sensations just hit me. My new memories seem real. They seem like my other ones now. The body sensations are so strong and new, I have never had this before even with the things I have always remembered.

I feel like I held onto the other memories so tightly that nothing else could come in. That was my abuse and that alone. Lately I have been overcome with SO MANY memories of how scared and uncomfortable I was around him for years. And then I remembered feeling him in my mouth. I remember seeing the skin in my face. And the image of him standing beside me. And another image of him behind me. And feelings of pressure and pain. These memories seem real now, as I feel like when daydreaming or dreaming I can tell that I created them but these ones seem like memories.

I think I can say that I was raped. It is such a big word. But I feel it in my soul now to be true. The body memories - the mouth sensations and “dripping” down there. It is too disgusting to type out.

It would explain physical symptoms from the time too - sudden incontinence for years, the constipation, the extreme vaginismus that lasted until I was about 21. It only went away because I wanted to have my baby. (She was conceived with a donor and fertility treatment) And one of the big mysteries - if I was never touched or experienced orgasm by his hand, how did I know to associate the feeling with him as a tiny child?

I think I was raped. It still doesn’t seem real, but I think I am closer to accepting it as a truth. Am I allowed to do that? If I don’t remember explicitly?

This feels like a weird victory

so for some context i had a variety of traumatic experiences growing up: almost drowning, got thrown out of a moving car, house caught on fire, flipped a car, etc. and i had never really been able to describe the feelings i had surrounding these events till recently in therapy. i had only ever though ptsd was for ppl who experienced war, famine, illness, etc. so i never categorized what i was experiencing as it. however, my therapist has helped me sort thru some of the symptoms and thinks i do have it. doesn’t change much but at least it puts me on a good path to hopefully find better coping mechanisms. (anyone else always die in their dreams? is that a part of it?)

Just recently I decided I couldn’t talk and be around my dad anymore. We had a big blowup in 2019 and I forgave him and told him I could handle seeing him four times a year. I thought I can handle that.

But fast forward to this past year, and we are back to 2019 where he is overriding my decisions as a parent, talking and criticizing and judging me behind my back, blaming me for everything that he can manage to, acting like he loves me but in reality cutting me down and treating me like shit, trying to manipulate me. And when I stand up for myself he just acts like no one else in the world would take personal offense to the shit that he says and does.

So it was with great thought that I decided not to speak to him anymore. I had decided this in the last couple of weeks because my daughter’s birthday was this past weekend. And I had to know whether I would get together with him or not. And I decided not to.

To me forgiveness is not judging him, and I don’t judge him as good or bad, I’m just putting my own happiness above his. I can forgive but not forget. I am Buddhist and we have a saying “kittens don’t have to put their heads in the mouths of vipers” so I don’t feel any compunction that I have to… It’s just confusing to know what to do with these sociopathic narcissist where normal rules of behavior don’t apply to them.

Since I didn’t contact him for my daughter’s birthday, now the problem is that in his narcissistic fantasy land, he thinks he can reach out to my daughter and have some kind of relationship with her. = Still going around me as an authority in my own life.

So what do I do? If I tell him I’m not talking to him then it just opens up the door to talking to him! So I guess I don’t talk to him to tell him I’m not talking to him? Because it just opens up a conversation of how terrible I am and how much like my mother I am and whatever other bullshit he feels is perfectly acceptable to say to me.

And I guess I don’t let my daughter see any cards from him? Or receive any packages from him? He’s done this before too. He’s just trying to buy her like he tries to buy everybody (he is successful at buying my brother). There’s always a little gap that he tries to stick himself in to stay in my life.

Happy to hear about similar experiences. What worked and didn’t work, etc TIA

I feel like no one believes me with what's happening or my trauma, family thinks I just have depression, I'm under medication but just anti depressants and something to help me sleep (it barely does)

And it's frustrating to feel and think that people around me thinks that this is just a "phase" or "depression episode". God I'm actually really suffering for a long time thanks to PTSD, I regret speaking out now and I wish I just stayed suffering in silence. What do I even do? How am I going to function if I even choose to live?

I was blocking a lot of shit out before and it’s all coming back at once. I’m trying to get into therapy but I’ve personally found talk therapy to not be very helpful (but I’m still very open to trying again) To keep things as vague as I can we’re talking about being t**ched, ht, pnch*d and possibly emotionally bsed as a child. I was always told I was a dramatic kid so as an adult I’m struggling to draw the line at where I was just being dramatic or actually dealing with something. Sorry for venting I just wanted to let it out. I just don’t know what to do and I keep remembering more as time goes by and it’s messing me up. Again I’m working to find a therapist but have had many negative experiences with that.

I’m in a bad place. Life events have triggered complete withdrawal. Need to blunt the intensity. And also get out of severe depression.

amitriptyline 50mg + lamictal 25mg + wellbutrin 75mg

Started amitriptyline a month ago. Lamictal a few days ago, will slowy increase to 75mg. Wellbutrin I haven’t started yet.

Ive been having really bad PTSD related nightmares recently (have not gotten a restful night sleep in like 3 weeks) and i was venting about it to my therapist about it today and I realized that im just so ridiculously angry. Im so unbelievably pissed that i had to go through that, and i thought it was normal. Im not sure maybe im experiencing some sort of healing or its a stage of grief but im just so tired of being angry. Anger feels like a warm blanket i never want to crawl out of... but at the same time I can't just keep being angry. Not sure why im writing this... i just needed to say it to people who get it.

(43F) I've been dating this guy (42M) for two months now. I have been friends with him since we were kids and actually we were pretty close at times. Especially in high school and college, there's a lot of history there! Though it’s never been sexual until recently. We had fallen out of touch and during this time he experienced some horrible events that caused both mental and physical trauma. When we started talking and became friends again I finally got the full story of what happened. Among other things the guy definitely said he had PTSD. He knows I have had my own problems with mental health and I wouldn't judge. And I soon saw that he had changed in a few distinctive ways that were definitely from PTSD. Loud noises bothered him and made him jumpy, mood swings where he was everywhere from sad and hopeless to happy and generous. I didn't see other stuff till we started getting romantically involved.

With our history I know him pretty well and how he can be. That does give me an advantage on dealing with his attitudes and moody behavior. The problem is I don't have any experience with PTSD in a partner. I'm not sure of the best way to act or what to say sometimes. I don't want to make it worse! I use the stuff I would on BPD and Anxiety, stuff that helps me.

I would appreciate any advice! Seriously, like tips for anything involving relationships and PTSD. For instance, handling the mood swings, how not to trigger symptoms, what to say to be comforting, any physical or sexual advice? Books to read on the subject. Im open to whatever feedback you think may be useful (Example: I learned that standing behind him and hugging him is not a great idea, especially when its a surprise)

Thanks for your time!

I've been suffering now for some time for extreme anxiety / bodily reactions, lack of sleep, time and time again. If something triggers me at evening, no matter what I do, I start to feel pressure in head, chest pain, cannot sleep and hands and legs cold, the chest pain continues and usually takes like 2 days and 2 nights of not much sleeping and then to recover like 1-3 weeks until I can start get back to sports as body just feels weak and chest feelings and bad circulation.

Sleeping has been like 8 months bad like 0-4 hours a night. But when I get better, like when I am 2 weeks healthy, I am so happy, can train hard at gym, go for 2 hours walks, and full of happiness and even may start to sleep not just 7-8 hours at night but also few hours daytime after sports, and it feels great.

And again, one small trigger and again I go to start and it's so hard to lose it time and time again without seeing how I can get over this.

this current streak of very challenging times got worse some 8 months ago when I had for me traumatic time with my GF. She has had her personal issues with jealousy and trust for long time and could turn almost everything into something horrible, and accuse me of bad things and cutting contact for days or week or more, and telling her imagination of things what "I have done".

I didn't sleep much for 2 weeks, was in constant panic not knowing how to make her hear me, and since that moment I haven't had much stability. I started to get sick at home, crazy reactions like blood from ass, swollen lips and I had to move out as any visit to my apartment made this happen.

But it's not been much better anywhere else and I've just had to accept now that until I get more stability and sleep and health my body reacts to slightest things strongly. But it is so hard when things repeat again and again. She has now been in another city with her family more 1.5 months and we talk and chat but while things are good, just to hear her voice being sometimes upset, i start to get nervous and anxiety. I am somehow scared of her, as I never know what could happen, time and time again it happened that I was happy and tell her something and suddenly it's crazy drama and I get sick, and now just the slightest change in her voice makes my body react even if my mind knows all is OK!

This hit me kinda hard, because I go in for a therapy that is regularly given to people with severe trauma... and I'm told I'm ineligible because I'm too bad off currently. They're worried it'll just trigger me further. That made it really set in for me how bad things have gotten.

I did get my doctor switched and I'm gonna be trying other forms of therapy, which I am grateful for, but I was basically strung along thinking I was gonna do this therapy for 2 months and made a bunch of empty promises, and my trauma is medical, so that actively fed into it and I feel like I'm in a worse place than ever, and I'm starting back from square one with even less trust in any of this.

It's so hard to keep going along with this after basically being deceived for 2 months and my mental health getting even worse, and trying to give that trust again, as well as fearing that no one will be prepared to deal with me. I feel unfixable and that makes it hard to try. I initially didn't even think it was that bad, but it has been my normal for many months now so maybe I'm desensitized to it a bit. I want to believe that I just got ahold of a bad doctor but I don't want to give myself anymore reason to distrust so I've kinda just been blaming myself.

Has anyone had anything like this happen before? I feel like I've never heard of a situation like this before, which concerns me more. Any advice or encouragement is much appreciated.