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Particularly those who experience mostly depression. I suffer from severe depression which I somehow function through and hold a small business together. But it feels horrible still and I spend more than 50% of my time that way. I manage to socialise briefly a couple of times a month, hold my small business together with great difficulty but I have no chance of seeing friends enough to have true connections, or experience joy or financial growth with how bad it is as it takes everything I have just to survive like this. I have had lots of therapy, I walk 3 miles a day and exercise once or twice a week on top of that. My diet is pretty good other than sugar being a coping mechanism in depression.

I'm wondering if I need to talk to a psychiatrist about a change of my treatment plan or if this is as good as it gets?!

Anytime I think I’m better, I immediately am humbled and brought back to this sad, depressing reality. No guys want me, I sleep with anything that walks and it still doesn’t work, I’m also nuts. I just wish I woke up different. Today really is hitting me

I just gave birth back in December and since coming home I experienced a manic episode. Lots of spending, impulsive decisions, insane tasks all while taking care of a newborn. I felt fine and on top of the world. Last night it all came crashing down and I can’t stop crying and regretting everything I did the past month and a half. I know it’s not postpartum depression because I’ve always had these highs and lows but now with three kids I hate myself even more for having these thoughts. I’m on meds. Sometimes I just rather be manic and do the damage than be depressed and contemplate life.

I am getting kinda antsy and want to channel this sudden burst energy in the most efficient way possible but it’s been very difficult. Any tips on sustaining attention when at work and school when you feel a manic episode coming? My mind just keeps racing and I can’t sit still and I just feel like dominating. Thanks.

In September, I got transported to the emergency room because of my acute manic episode. It was awful. It's so overstimulating with people coming in and out, it's impossible to sleep because the beds are uncomfy, and you have no idea what is going on in the outside world because there are no windows and you're latched onto a hospital bed. Not being able to see or connect to the outside world was what exacerbated my paranoia. Absolutely horrifying experience. I didn't know I have bipolar at this point in time either so everything was so confusing to me

I was recently diagnosed with bipolar, I still don’t know how to recognise hypomania, but I was wondering if some episodes of very intense rage with irritability and crying out of frustration followed by me calming down and getting “more normal” but includes me being very energetic and not in a bad way, is this part of hypomania or what. also, it happens for a lot of days, i am very prone to irritability and anger and then im “fine”

and what are your experiences?

ps: sorry for my english

I am 25 and I have bipolar. I have been on meds since 2022 and haven’t had any manic, psychotic or depressive episodes since. I met my bf last year and we have been talking about having children in a couple years, after we have found an apartment and moved in. Do you think this is unrealistic? We are not in a hurry and I understand you can’t get pregnant when you would want to, it’s more complicated than that. All responses are appreciated.

When I, 25f, was in college I told myself I didn't want kids or to settle down because I liked studying, wanted to go to med school, just being a workaholic and exploring but then I got pregnant by my now fiancée at 22. Normally I love my family and find happiness in my life as is, but when I'm manic I try to push everyone away and get frustrated with my life, kids and fiancée. I become hypersexual but completely turned off by my fiancée, and just want to run away and leave all my responsibilities. I haven't had an episode since last summer but after reading a really good book that I related to the main character's life she built, a part of me saw the life I told myself I always wanted. I feel angry with my life currently, even though the reasonable side of me knows I have a good life, and am catching myself with many of the feelings I get when I enter a manic episode. Is this normal? How do I calm myself down from these racing thoughts? Right now they're just thoughts but I don't want to do anything reckless and tomorrow is going to be day 4 of feeling this way.

stable or hypomanic? Stable or hypomanic? Why can't I have both? The only time I'm ever able to feel good about myself, the only time I've ever been able to feel genuinely happy is when I get to feel that high. But the past five years have been the worst of both worlds. I fluctuate between suicidal and nothing. If I could just live in that bliss for the rest of my life, maybe my life would have some sort of meaning, but as it is I'm less than normal. I've tasted what it's like to be Real, but will never have enough to get me through a year.

I want to live dammit. I want to be someone who measures up. I can't do it as this. I can't even come close. I feel like I exist to be tortured. I wish I could return the favor to god. I resent my family for creating me, and can't die soon enough

For context, I am a 24 female who has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, anxiety, depression, and BPD, i'm on medication currently. I have a boyfriend, but we're long distance and honestly, I guess that's a part of the problem. I just feel like I have no reason to live right now. I sleep or stay in bed until two or three in the afternoon and then get up for work. Go to work. Come back home. Go to bed at one or 2 AM and then just repeat the cycle all over again. This has been happening for the last month. It's like I want to get up and I want to go to the gym and I want to hang out with my dog or go out, but I don't really have friends or any type of support I live with my parents, but they don't really talk to me and my sister just isn't really involved in my life. I just don't really know what to do with myself anymore. I want to get better but every single day it just keeps getting worse. I just feel like l'm spiraling out of control and I don't really know what to do to stop it. I just want to be able to live in normal life. I honestly wish I was dead, making myself food or even even just getting up is such a hassle at this point. I honestly feel like l'm literally just here to work and pay bills. I have literally nothing else going for me right now and it sucks I guess.

i’m gonna do my best to keep it short but, i was wondering if i could get more outside opinions on what’s going on. i’ve been diagnosed bipolar since i turned 18 (they would have sooner but she said it’s difficult to actually diagnose someone with bipolar or borderline) and i’ve only been in one relationship. the rest of the guys i’ve pursued only want sex and i’m not really sure what i’m doing wrong. this may be the wrong subreddit but i have a feeling it has to do with my mental illness. i get attached really quickly especially sex and i try to hide how codependent and clingy i am on the inside and give them space but idk. maybe i’m doing something to come off as crazy to them and it’s scaring them off bc they seem interested in more at first then boom they don’t want a relationship.

TLDR; is bipolar ruining my chances at a relationship more than just sex or is it just me

Just came out of the worst depressive episode of my life which forced me to really lock in to creating long term structure for my bipolar. Found a therapist I’ll hold on to, am religious about taking my meds on time, still trying to figure out creating a better system with my psychiatrist. But one thing that I think would be helpful to add is some kind of support group.

My friend who has OCD has a chat of other girlies in her life that struggle with the condition. And I have an amazing support group when it comes to friends and family, but it’s only my aunt who has bipolar.

Was wondering if there’s someway to form a chat or places online to find that.

I saw there’s some where you can pop in but I think it would be nice to have something where you’re actually developing a relationship and creating community.

Thoughts?

I thought I’d finally gotten to a place where I could drink in moderation, but the other night, I became my worst fear. I became verbally abusive toward my friends and was threatening them with violence, which I’m not proud of at all. I’ve resolved to stop drinking but I just feel hopeless. I’ve been in therapy for a while and work really hard to be where I am today, but anytime I have a bad manic episode or start drinking, I become this horrible person.

Sometimes I wonder if that’s who I am deep down. I’ve ruined relationships with my behavior, and my friends said that they don’t feel safe around me anymore. I feel so ashamed since that’s how I felt growing up in a deeply abusive household, and I feel like I’ve become my abuser.

Prior to what happened recently, I was in a very toxic relationship where I can’t discern where my blame ends and his begins. One time, he was physically aggressive, but other than that, we were constantly fighting. I couldn’t tell if I was abusing him or if it was a reaction to his abuse, and he blamed me for everything that happened in that relationship, claiming that his behavior was just a reaction to mine. I don’t know. I take responsibility for what happened regardless. He would do things that made me uncomfortable (like keeping in contact with his abusive ex), refuse to change or make fun of me when I asked him to, and then I would flip out and tell him to kill himself. I blew through all my money and behaved deranged. I was convinced that some psyop was out to get me and pushed away all the people who truly cared about me. It’s horrible, and it’s especially horrible knowing that I’ve become this person I’m not proud of.

For context, I’m in college. I feel like I should do better than I am, especially at my age, but I just feel like I’ve made no progress and revert to that same ugly being whenever I have an episode. Feel free to be honest and tell me I’m a bad person, I just don’t know where to go from here.

I am probably a bit hypomanic when I say this but I want to become a jack of all trades. I am in trade school to be an industrial maintenance tech/ stationary engineer. Ive come to realize I love manufacturing and I think this is my creative medium of choice. I want to learn how to weld, wood carve, leatherwork, blacksmith, forge, machine, etc. Just hand manufacturing processes. The problem right now is I am broke and I know once I get a full time job I wont have a lot of time to learn most of these skills if I want to make a living. I want to get a lot of different certifications for a variety of things to learn them and add them to my skillset.

I feel like this type of thing really fits living with this illness and I feel like learning all of these things will really make me into the best person I can be. Its a huge idea but I feel like its a great life goal.

Has anyone else gotten multiple degrees/ certs or just have a large skillset that can shed advice on how you go about having time, money, and balancing your life around your variety of skills?

Sometimes I just want to cry,scream but I can’t, I don’t feel any emotions anymore I just feel numb I just want to feel again I’m scared this might affect my relationship in the future when I want to be with someone.

Today I was at work and I’m currently experiencing confusion and I feel a bit lost I don’t know why this is happening all of a sudden doesn’t anyone experience this?

I've been a philosophy student for a long time, and one of the questions I have not really developed any kind answer for is this. Although it is often not the best to talk in terms of essences and static being, but it is even more confusing to think that myself and my disease is always becoming. As someone with bipolar disorder, it's difficult to tell when I am myself and when I am not. I have dabbled in the thought that bipolarity is me, and every manic and depression episode I have is in my hand. I also see the merits of saying that there is a metaphorical demon that sits on top of me that wishes to, with my own hands, annihilate me and all that is good in my life. I can never tell what is what, this disease leaves me in a state of unclarity.

What are your thoughts?

I was speaking with my wife earlier today about potentially telling my dad about my diagnosis. I explained that if I were him, I wouldn’t want to be left in the dark if my daughter killed herself or if she were hospitalized.

This upset my wife. She said she didn’t like how casually I talked about killing myself, how she doesn’t feel secure in our future when I keep talking like this, and how I’m actively putting plans into place for when I kill myself and how this isn’t a normal thing to do.

I explained to her that my depression is scary and often comes with suicidal ideation. I essentially explained to her that I wouldn’t want my dad left in the dark if I killed myself or I was hospitalized.

Am I in the wrong? Is this not something a parent would want to know?

I feel so alone right now, even though I know I’m the one causing it. I had a major setback in my career last week (something that’s been building for weeks), and I completely lost it. Since then, I’ve been spiraling, and my poor husband has reached his limit. We’ve barely been talking, and when he does try to talk to me, I snap at him.

I want love and support, but for some reason, I can’t seem to accept it from anyone. I’ve shut my parents out completely. My sister has reached out several times in the past few days, and I haven’t responded, I feel emotionally disconnected. I’ve fallen into a deep depression, isolating myself from everyone even though I know that’s only making things worse.

On top of that, I’ve taken out my pain on my husband for simply living his normal life. Why do I do this? Am I jealous that he seems okay while I feel like everything is falling apart? That’s not a good reason to lash out, but the words just spill out of me before I can stop them. I say things I don’t mean, things that hurt, and I hate myself for it.

I don’t feel like I deserve anyone checking in on me, but at the same time, I know I can’t pull myself out of this alone.

P.S. I hope you can appreciate my lighthearted title for this post. A touch of humor is all I have right now.

21f recently diagnosed and I did not get the “yay happy fun times” mania. I’m petrified of being manic again. To the point where everyday I just freeze thinking about how I need to go to bed early so I get enough sleep so I don’t become manic. I get so much anxiety regarding sleep, my body feels like it’s filled with acid when laying in bed. I’m taking meds and working with a therapist but I would love to hear what helped you guys with this anxiety. Especially any advice for not worrying about sleep all the time.

I've been relying on my Samsung watch to track my sleep for me for a long time and now it's not working right. I keep trying different things to fix it. I'm wondering how y'all track your sleep? All I can think to do is keep a journal next to the bed, but that would only show when I laid down, not when I actually fell asleep. When I wake up, I can't remember when I went to sleep or when I woke up in the night. 😔 anyone use a watch that doesn't suck?

Hey there, hope you are doing ok! 🫶

Long story short, i've been put on antidepressants recently because of… well, depression and destructive/impulsive behaviours. My mom is bipolar (diagnosed) and I've been exhibiting symptoms too that my therapist is evaluating right now. In the beggining of my treatment with ssri I had this very hyper week that was super scary, but then crashed into a horrible depressive state with weird random agressive energy outburst. I know better than looking for medical advice in a peer support community, no… I want to ask my psych about this but feel kinda afraid of bringing the topic up. I feel like maybe I'm overreacting, also, which doesn't help. Thanks for your time.

Hi, I’ve been taking mood stabilizers and antipsychotics for four months now, and I’ve reached a fairly stable point. The issue I’m facing is that I’ve come to realize I built my life around hypomania, and I lack proper coping and socializing tools. Basically, when I was feeling down, I would just do the bare minimum and wait for the hypomanic phase to kick in (I have 15-30 day cycles). My therapist says this is common, but it’s been really hard to live this way. My life has been centered on overachieving and doing tons of things in short bursts, but with the medication, I just can’t keep up anymore. I’ve started to hate my life, but I just can’t make any major changes right now. anyone else with this experience? does it get better?

I've been in a depressive episode for 2/3 weeks now. I just got dumped by my girlfriend I had we had an on and off relation for almost 3 years now and now she dumpes me. She completely broke contact. I think she did it coz I started my medicine 2 days ago. I feel really lost and don't know who I am anymore she was really the only friend I had and she supported me in my hard times but now she's done with me I have nobody I don't even have myself because who am I? I need help but I don't know how to tell people I just don't know I really don't know. Help me please

I've been in a depressive episode for a while now but I realize that it's mostly because I'm so fucking lonely. All I do is go to work and come home and lay in bed. On weekends I lay in bed and just fucking rot. I've started feeling better bc that's the nature of the disease but what's the point if I've got nobody to share a smile with or have a conversation.

My friends ignore me. People I'm trying to make friends with ignore me. I barely talk to my family. The only person I talk to at work is my boss. I don't hang out with anybody and when I go out to the grocery store or something I don't talk to anybody either. And I'm not even a social person! I like being alone. So what gives??

I feel like nobody would care if I just ended it all. Sometimes I post about how I'm feeling online to just crickets. Right now will probably be one of those times. It's almost hilarious.

I'm just so tired. And sad. And angry. Fuck.

hello i think i'm in a manic episode and this is the first one i've had where i have a sliver of self awareness due to being on meds and having a support system. is it normal to feel so restless it feels like you need to crawl out of your skin or something? if so what do you do to calm yourself down?? i don't know i'm sorry if this is incohesive (i have bipolar 1 if that accounts for anything)

Bipolar 1 20 y/o female here When I’m manic well it’s not good to be manic obviously! but unfortunately I’m manic often (I’m on a high dose of medication but still in mania ) feel I can live with the mania I’m a little more energetic and productive , I say and think things that are a little grandiose and out there but it goes under the radar and it’s not enough to be hospitalized but on the other… hand Psychosis holy shit it’s scary as fuck I was in psychosis last week and I was convinced everyone was watching me.

i am currently in the process of cleaing my room and packing all that stuff up

i have like a month of time but i am so stressed

i asked all of my freinds but none have time, which i understand but i am still a little bumbed

but the good thing in all this is that i move in a outpaitent asited living facility and i hope this gives me more security

i hope i can do all this in a month

I got diagnosed a little over 6 months ago at age 32. I had mania following being prescribed an SSRI for what I thought was depression. Obviously not. Hindsight is 20/20 and as I've been reflecting on my diagnosis I see a lot of patterns and moments in my past that I can now understand so much better knowing I have bipolar.

I have a fair bit of childhood trauma and chalked all my struggles up to that. (a lot of my childhood trauma stemmed from my mom's undiagnosed bipolar 🤦)

I always wanted a stable life and to be a stable, consistent person. I succeeded in a lot of ways, to maintain stability on the surface. I also maintained a pretty healthy lifestyle with particularly good sleep hygiene which I think did help keep episodes at a minimum.

I guess how I'm feeling now is like when kids get glasses for the first time and they're like "holy shit that's what a cloud looks like?!? you can see leaves on trees?!? why didn't anyone mention that??"

You can't know what actual stability and mental quiet feels like if you've never felt it. I thought that what I had was stability, when what I was actually doing was holding soooo tight onto everything in my life. Controlled=/= stable. At that point my mom had been diagnosed and I think I felt like, if I just kept tight control over my life and my emotions everything would be fine and I wouldn't be bipolar.

Now that I'm on meds for a while and feel them working I'm like "holy shit, that's what using grounding breaths feels like? that's what processing a feeling and then moving on with my day feels like? that's what conflict can feel like? I can go thru my day without feeling like a mousetrap about to go off.

I just didn't know what it felt like. It makes me sad that I didn't figure it out sooner. My past self deserved this stability. My loved ones deserved this stability. I do a pretty good job holding space for the sadness and also being so so grateful to have the answer and solution I needed all along.

I literally feel like the version of myself I'd been working so fucking desperately hard to be. I was here all along and capable, I just needed the meds to get here.

I'm grateful for a space to share these feelings, I hope it resonates with some of you

hello all,

new to the thread, but i’ve been diagnosed for just under 9 years. it’s been a rocky journey.

i’ve been with my partner for just as long. we actually met and got together while i was in a manic episode— one i didn’t realize i was in until a long while afterwards.

that being said, he’s been aware of my diagnosis and vaguely supportive the whole time, but damn near 10 years later, he still doesn’t know or care much to know about it.

i often find myself “over explaining” myself and my symptoms to him, just trying to feel understood and seen, and i fear it comes off as me “throwing excuses” at him for my behaviors, whatever it may be. most of my damaging behavior comes from manic episodes where i make horrible decisions and act like a completely different person. im so terrified he doesn’t believe me and my guilt and shame and remorse. i’m terrified he thinks im using my diagnosis as an excuse to “do whatever i want.”

i just recently (like, 1 month ago) got put on meds. i had been unmedicated for a long long time. there’s been a lot of turbulence in my life and our relationship as a whole because of my mental health. i’m desperate to fix it on my end. but i still feel like im not being met halfway, if he refuses to even do a little light reading on the topic from someone that isn’t me, since i feel like he doesn’t believe what i say anyways…