..get done with a phone call where someone was really rude for no reason and have to fight the urge to call back and rip into them?

I have GAD which manifests in being on the goddanm knife edge all the time. I'm decent at keeping myself in control. But I'm just so fucking strung. It's hard for me to talk to people and not sound aggressive. My constant anger leaks out. I can't relax. I can't do anything. I just want to beat someone 24/7 just knock their teeth out blood splatter. It affects my abilities to function. It gets me into too many fights. Gets me into bad situations. I turn people into my enemies really fast.

TLDR AT THE END!
Growing up, I lived in a very dysfunctional household. My dad was an angry, angry man, and my mum resorted to alch*h*l. This taught me enough in itself that my emotions were to be demonized. Anytime I expressed an emotion, it would circle back to "anger" and "why are you angry?" which became tiring. It just made me even more angry, if I'm honest. It gave me little patience, and since expressing how I felt ended badly, I closed up. With that combined with my slow realisation that my parents were very bad people, and treating me like this wasn't okay, it shortened my tolerance. I soon became a very short tempered, high fuse person. People described my anger to "explode" like volcanoes. This hurt me deeply, but since I didn't know how to safely manage my emotions, even sadness turned into anger. I resorted to "If I'm angry, people will take my seriously. I need to yell to get my voice heard." This dynamic just sprouted into a stronger version of itself, and I began taking it out on things because I didn't know how to safely outwardly display my anger. I felt like telling somebody "I feel angry for xyz" wouldn't work, so I had to show them when I was angry, because that's the only way I was taken seriously as a child. Objects would be thrown, broken, smashed, I would cry for hours on end, fuelling my anger even worse. Half way through these "outbursts" I would feel an absolute wave of guilt and fear wash over me. I was wasting my time. I was wasting hours, days, maybe even weeks if added to a total, reacting like this. But I couldn't stop. Infact, that thought made me angry. Angry at the people who raised me this way. The only way for me to "calm down" was for me to eventually just stop myself. That being said, no outside event could stop me. Ever. Not even my own thoughts of "just chillout dude".

For a little more context, my parents would rarely take responsibility. They apologised yes, but often didn't mean it, and just repeated their behaviour. I grew up in the middle class. My mum made barely any money, but living with my dad as a teen, he made significantly more because he was a joiner who was self employed. He made enough money to buy gifts, or replace something pretty quickly. Of course, he didn't like spending money, he wasn't LOADED, but if he needed to buy a gift for someone, he would and could. This lead to stuff being bought for me as an "apology" for whatever awful thing he did. He also replaced stuff I broke, phone screens, keyboards ect. This absolutely did not help me take accountability. I thought this behaviour was normal. My patience grew thin, since I often didn't have to wait longer than 2ish weeks for something to be fixed, replaced or given. Due to my dad's popularity in his industry, he could get a LOT of what he wanted, just though connections. If we wanted or needed something that may have been harder to reach, he would "pull some strings" and it would usually go in our favour (our being me and my little brother). It would stretch beside wanting too, for example applying for college. When i applied to a college that may be harder to get into, my dad told me "leave it to me." and within a few days I got emails from the school. Turns out he knew somebody who worked pretty high up at the school. This sort of weird demand definitely made my patience worse. I think about it often. I always felt guilty after breaking something (I only ever broke my own belongings) and ended up thinking that I broke things because I was spoiled. I'd imagine those tv characters who would throw a fit when something didn't go their way, and they would get it replaced almost immediately. It made me feel so gross about myself. Was I a spoiled brat?? This question hurt. A small part of me would tell myself that spoiled brats are given all they want, never taught "no" or patience, but that wasn't my case. I never expected stuff to be replaced, bought or gifted to me. It just happened, and as a hurting child I accepted. This is what i told myself

TLDR: grew up in what is bordering an ab*sive home, never taught patience, healthy expression etc. My family members always angry & aggressive, specifically my dad. Taught me anger was the only way to be heard and taken seriously. Bought gifts as apologies, thought that behaviour was normal. Replaced my own belongings when I broke them in anger. Skewed my patience skills and how to take accountability. Filled with guilt afterwards, every single time. Is this behaviour my fault or is it somebody elses fault for raising me this way?

I'm growing older. And I am trying to work on myself, with the absolutely awful UK therapy system (The NHS is severely underfunded, therapy included.) but I seem to be getting nowhere. Reddit probably isn't the best place to look, but any closure is enough for me. I am growing tired and exhausted both physically, emotionally and mentally over these "tantrums", as my parents called them. So, I ask, given this much context so far, Am i spoiled? Will strangers view me as a brat? Do you view me as a "trust fund baby" and stuff along those lines? Or was i given the wrong end of the stick? Was i doomed the day i was born being born into this family? Is it my fault??

I am a calm person, very rarely do I feel angry or violent. If I ever get angry i do that by feeling qngry towards myself trather than others, sometimes I go mad on others if cases are extreme or I get badly offended or attacked. So what... i bid fairly well through most of my days, no issues whatsoever. But I always have these thoughts that sometimes keep me awake. It is scary yet funny yet good yet bad all at once if you know what it means. I GET THE FEELING LIKE I WANT TO GO ON A RAMPAGE. I want to exterminate the filth on this planet.l, the virus consuming all that is good and beautiful, The reason for poverty, glutony, death, plague, war, fake education, misleading news, injustice... But the equation is too imbalanced, I calm myself down, even if I am to start a rampage, my efforts wont be enough and some innocent good people are going to get in the way and might end up hurt too which doesnt make me any better than any of them who damage others... I have been feeling this way since quite a while now and many events that happened to me, traumatic ones, which left me lost and bewildered in the ocean of probability and chance that things might just flick south right around the corner of our near future. I feel like the sands of time will drain down endlessly, but equally I feel the glass will break and I will break out into my psychopathic bloodlust not too far from soon yet not earlier than this lifetime, or that is what I try to achieve the least. Do you think it is mandatory that I get intp therapy?

I have no idea where to start, and I have no idea how to repair the damages done.

The other night my GF had a Halloween party. I had gotten pretty drunk and kind of acted like an asshole. Later in the night I guess I had gotten out of bed and had tried to go take a piss. Confused and clearly drunk / asleep I fell over and hit my head. As she tried to help me out, I guess I had pushed her away and then grabbed her by the throat. I did not hurt her other than that fact that I physically went to do so. But it’s the fact that I grabbed her and pushed her in the first place. I can only write off the excuse of me being confused, in a dark space, most likely still asleep ( I’ve been known to sleep walk ) drunk, and thought that someone was attacking me.

The next day she obviously brought it to my attention. She’s mad, she’s scared. And I don’t blame her. I’ve been known to get into physical altercations with other men. But I have never laid a hand on a female in my life.

I am disappointed in myself, I am confused still on what happened. And I have no idea how to go about fixing this issue. I’ve decided to step back from drinking for a bit, I am already in therapy, but I still am in disbelief that I would ever do such a thing to someone I love to begin with.

Any advice will be appreciated. Thank you.

Was with some friends to a club tonight (I don't go unless it's people I enjoy hanging around, or if it's just girls who appreciate the protection as I'm a relatively fit and stocky guy, like tonight). I only tolerate clubs on the best days, it's always about the people I'm going with rather than the club itself.

So me and my friends were tired and about to leave, but then these random guys came at us and one of them grabbed me by the shoulders with that stupid drunk "brooooo" shit laughing and shaking me about. I was in no mood and removed their hand from my shoulder respectfully but forcefully.

Well, drunk testosterone along with a shitty upbringing kicks in, and these guys get aggressive real fucking quick telling me to come outside for a fight and starts shoving me and grabbing the wrist of the hand I put out to stop them getting in my face. For reference, I'm relatively short but stocky, and these guys were tall but thin. After about a minute one of them calms down and extents his hand for a dap as peace offering. I take it just to get it over with but I'm fucking pissed.

Fucking really? Starting a fight because I won't join in with them? Fucking uncivilised dogs. Part of me wishes I took them up on it to teach them some manners and is mad I didn't. It just feels so disrespectful, considering race and height (I feel like the emasculation of East Asians is rife in Western society). How do I get over it? I know getting into fights isn't constructive and would probably end fatally at some point. (London, so people running around with knives is a non-ignorable possibility.)

Dangle women and booze in a dark environment for anonymity and people think they're big shots.

I've had bad anger issues for 5 years(ish). Even the slightest inconvenience can put me in a really bad mood. Sometimes the moods escalate and I become quite violent to myself and others, I feel like my whole world is ending. I have a good life, great partner and seriously have nothing to complain about. I recognise my wrong doings after and feel totally embarrassed by the way I've acted but I can't find a way to "switch it off". It's affecting my day to day life now and my relationship😭

Every day is the same shit and I have no enjoyment of life. I'm 19 and getting kicked out soon and can't find an affordable place to live. Work is breaking my balls, college is fucking breaking my balls. Nobody cares about me. I have a single friend that I never get to hang out with because of my schedule. I just got out of a horrible relationship with a bitch and can't see women the same anymore, so my sex and dating life is done for. Everything is a mess, where as soon as I fix one thing, two more things in my life get broken. Seriously, I haven't smiled or felt happy in a very, very long time. I'm unfathomably pissed off 24/7, and not a minute goes by without thinking about how much I want to violently end my life. I talk to my mom about it, all I get is the same respones. "You're a grown man, figure it out. Go see a doctor (since when can I fucking afford health care). It's you're fault because you're not drinking enough water. Oh you're fine, welcome to being an adult." Seriously, I'm going to fucking blow soon and it will NOT be pretty. I am constantly a single upsetting thought away from exploding and not giving a shit about anything in my path. I will seriously do something very very stupid and a psych ward is probably the place for me at this point. I need someone to stab a fucking syringe into my neck and induce a coma and surgically remove the incomprehensibly fucked up parts of my brain that shouldn't have ever existed. Fuck my fucking stupid fucking life.

Whats the solution? What can i do about it? Im tired of repeating the same actions and nothing working, tired of posting on reddit or searching for knowledge on the internet about all these issues. I want to do something.

Its like I dictate my entire life to finding a "gf" or relationship, im 23 and 3 years in college with no gf or any girl ever interested in me and this makes me think that im boring or uninteresting or unimportant or invisible.

Im jealous of other guys who get looked at by others or get paid attention to

What do they have that i dont?

I know im desperate, perhaps trying to filla void or use people as a vehicle for self esteem and self worth.

So im not blaming the girls, why would they want a guy who just wants a relationship and doesnt care about who they are? The problem is because im so focused on their approval, validation, attention recognition of me that i never tried to get to know them even though i have no idea how. I dont know what "effort" is good enough for them to care, i never try to get to know them and they dont get to know me,

always trying to "keep them happy" "be funny" "be a clown for their entertainment" lowering my value to raise theirs. I think all of this is not genuine its just me trying to "get a goal"

Im just tired of all this, tired of knowing my problems and not knowing what to do about them. Or make changes or take actions.

Its like im always in flight or fight mode, where i let others reactions dictate my worth, always putting up a performance for others so they like me or think im good enough.

I dont know how to make friends or when i try its always one sided, always me chasing, always me "starting conversations" even though im not good at them but im trying to get better

I want to have friends where im not always chasing, not always starting conversations or trying to keep them "from leaving" and i think im so desperate because afraid of rejection or abandonment and loneliness

Im trying to be a better version of myself, i have quit porn for good, trying to get control of addictions like fapping, tv shows, food, internet, social media, approval addictions

Going to the gym and im trying to get better at soccer, i just want to be better, improve myself, im tired of being at the rock bottom

Do other girls who keep hair on their pussy get the rudest reactions sometimes from guys? I never received this when I shaved and I'm just really upset by how rude it can be sometimes. If I tell them I don't shave anymore they sometimes take it somewhat personally like I'm an ugly human for wanting to be comfortable. Mostly just getting this off my chest.

Hey... My question might seem (and it is but I don't care) but I need help about a very specific problem. So, I'm a teenager, my relationship with my family is... tense right now, and a lot of things get me mad. However, I have absolutely no way to vent or I'll get yelled at so I'm hitting myself, it's almost soundless and I really feel like I'm hitting something (that helps). So, my question is what part of my body should I avoid hitting and what have less risks of severe injury?

I have many sucky things that I don’t want to think about and I’m still mad at. I don’t I wanna be mad about these things anymore. But I still am.

When I get angry, I cry. It’s not an option for me. I’m not sad, or hurt, I’m just seething mad, and the tears overflow. I HATE it when this happens, because I’m not just some whimpering cry baby that’s looking for sympathy or something, and that’s how I feel like I’m viewed when I start mad crying. I literally can’t help it though, and I don’t want anyone to even see me crying, it just happens. So when something happens, like at work or something, and I get really angry, the only way I can keep myself from crying is to just not say anything at all to anyone. I just go back to work, avoiding looking at anyone or saying anything, focus on keeping my breathing even and not letting the tears fall. Because the tears are there, just waiting. And I know I look like I’m walking around with an attitude giving everyone the cold shoulder, but the reality is that it’s taking every ounce of my self control not to burst into tears, and as long as I don’t speak to anyone I can keep from crying. The thing is though, it won’t go away until I actually have a moment to go somewhere alone and cry. So I’m just stuck like that, on the verge of tears, hands shaking, avoiding everyone. If I stay like this for very long, I’ll get a really bad headache.

Does anyone else experience this? Am I emotionally unstable or something? How can I overcome the tears in the face of anger, and not have to completely shut down to keep from crying for no reason?

I wasnt always like this.

I was once in an extremely emotionally abusive relationship in which my partner was always angry and vengeful and took it out on me. I grew up with a mother who was constantly angry. I always swore I would never be this way.

After going to college, I became addicted to drugs and alcohol. I graduated, got a good job, but my social ability gradually declined over the years. I slowly lost my ability to properly communicate with people. After the death of many loved ones, and the bad relationship, I really changed. I became a person that screamed and raged, punched walls, and just always crashed out. I eventually got out of that relationship but afterwards, I seemed to burn almost every single bridge I’ve ever made. I am angry, it feels like I am angry at the world. I hate the self sabotaging and damaging person I have become. Ive never hit another person, but I have hit myself to the point of extreme bruising and sprained my wrist punching surfaces. I do yell at those around me and say extremely hurtful things in a rage state. When I try to apologize, it is never accepted, and rightfully so. I understand that there are things people wont forgive. I hate the person I have become, and I dont want to hurt others as I was hurt in my childhood and my past relationship. I have ruined so many good things for myself because of this anger. I feel embarrassed, isolated, and like I can never come back from any of it. I feel like i will be bitter and alone for the rest of my days.

What sort of help should I seek? Is there medication anyone is on? Does it get better? Do I even deserve for things to get better?

I don't know if it's a trauma response or what, but when i get too angry i just lose all self control and I've gotten physical with many people because of it, even pulling / swinging weapons on people i shouldn't have..

I don't know what to do. I feel helpless. And scared. I don't want to lose my boyfriend but I'm on my way unless i can manage my anger.

Any advice? :(

I’ve started commuting with a friend to class, and realised that I get very irritated by everything they do for no good reason (literally just their arm touching mine on the bus makes me scream insults in my head at them). It took me back to high school when i walked to school with another friend and felt the exact same way. I actually like the person i commute with (I don’t feel the same way on the commute back). But in the mornings I get so angry over the most unimportant things, and I don’t know how to deal with it & don’t want to push them away. I usually get enough sleep & always eat before I leave, which is what usually puts me in a bad mood, but I just can’t figure out why i’m like this. Any advice/comments would be great :)

I’ve had this problem for as long as I known. I was throwing meltdown as a kid whenever things got hard to managed. My mom used to drink alcohol and would become violent (not toward me) and it confused me at the time. But I could tell she was angry with herself. My father left our family when I was 11 years old and it only made the meltdowns worse and I started to self-harm. I forgave my parents a long time ago and can understand how difficult ending generational trauma is. Now I’m 24 years old and am still in the same boat. I find myself hitting my head when I can’t handle this stress or anger. I don’t want to hurt myself anymore and I don’t want a specialist to think I’m suicidal. It just feels like I’ve been through so much and I have, but I want things to get better. I just get mixed up with the ‘how’ I can move past this. I’m extremely hard on myself and am a very emotional/empathetic person. It’s hard sometimes seeing myself after self harming because I feel so pathetic. I notice my mind will absorb the negative energy around me and it actually feels like I’m going through it. It’s frustrating because I know in my mind I cannot control others things outside of me or how people feel. I’m just tired of feeling so alone in this and realizing people have had this same way of coping helps. I try so hard with my coping skills, positive affirmation, or what I’m thankful for that I learned in therapy which I do attend. But in the heat of moment it feels impossible. It’s so hard unlearning this unhealthy way of coping and thinking. My mind is trying to logically process this feeling and what I’ve already done to myself. There’s just no logic behind it, it’s just pure emotion and my inability to manage these overwhelming feelings. Sorry for the rant, I feel so lost and it’s hard to not be more ashamed or disappointed in myself when my head still hurts from hitting it. Please if anyone has felt this way, let me know how you manage this or getting through it.

I have a decent history of trauma and it's always been me against the world. I never felt safe or had someone to have my back. And at this point it's whatever, tough luck. I'll live and die by myself. But any type of relationship or interaction, the smallest dumbest things trigger me and I get irrationally mad. However I rarely let it out and most of the time I sit with all this crap brewing inside of me for days and weeks. I've never forgiven or forgotten any transgressions and I know it's stupid and I'm grown, I don't depend on these people and they can talk shit all they want I'm not in real danger. But there's this part buried deep inside that goes "don't trust these mfs, they're out to get you, they'd sell you for one piece of chewing gum". And it's okay, somehow I deal with that. However, a bit over 3 months ago I found out that the guy I've been seeing for years had sex with my former best friend during a "break" when we weren't talking for a month. It is killing me. Even if he got wiped off the face of the planet right now, it'd still be killing me for years probably. I just don't know what to do with these emotions. I feel so small, insignificant, worthless, disgusting and imagine them having a laugh over the whole situation. Then comes the anger. I'd peel my skin off. I don't know what kind of help I need and I don't know what kind of punishment would make me feel better. I've been arguing with him for months over this and no matter what I say it doesn't help. I'm furious all the fucking time. I never feel better. I feel like I'm drowning in anger and resentment and no one can see or understand and even if they did no one would give a shit. I'm probably gonna get some illness thanks to all the unprocessed crap I've been going through.

Just to be at least honest-

There are painful things that I am probably supposed to do to eventually prevent some future suffering and I am thinking right now "I won't do them."

So it will most likely mean that if it is true that catharsis theory is wrong, and freaking out makes things worse, I will make my life worse because I am going to scream a lot to release anger (screaming into my pillow, or into the forest). Medication that calms down reduces my executive function, fortunatelly no one is subscribing me neuroleptics right now (had to take them as a teenager, but not because of psychosis but because of anger issues/ scteaming shout8ng).

So I guess all options suck and I will destroy my life even though I plan to only scream in "safe plac3s" like my bed/ into my pillow and the forest .

I dont want to lose my resentment but I want to be able to not do stupid things .

I hate mindset change.
I just want to change my behaviour.

I’m sick of it.

I've started keeping a list of all the things I've destroyed in a fit of rage and it's not really looking good

I've tried all I can think of but I just can't help getting angry, especially when I'm gaming. How do I deal with destructive anger and maybe even unlearn getting angry at everything

For reference, here's the list so far

PS5 Controllers : 3

Nintend Switch Pro Controllers : 3

Nintendo/Xbox knock-off controllers : 7

Display monitors : 4

Fans : 2

Keyboards : 4

Mice : 3

Chairs : 1

Pairs of earbuds : 2

Drawing pads : 1

I returned home from work in high spirit today, but the moment I entered the flat and talked to my fiance it all went south. She adressed a small mistake I made in a constructive and calm way, but instead of just accepting the mistake I tried to talk my way out of it. In the end I acted passive aggressive and disrespectful. I realy turned an evening that could have been just nice into an multi hour argument because I acted irrationale. I realy want to stop this behaviour where I first make up excuses and than get pissed when I get called Out.

I don’t necessarily know what to do anymore. I want to preface first that i have OCD, ADHD, and major self imagine issues. I am normally and have always been a very happy, outgoing and energetic person but i am also very mentally unstable. So the issue is, since i am usually very fun to be around, the second i show my vulnerability and have an anxiety attack, people drop me. I understand that i am difficult to deal with but it really upsets me that my friends who deal with similar issues like me, are the ones who drop me because you’d think they’d be the ones who would understand me on a deeper level. I am not always like this, it’s not common but it’s also not uncommon for me to have a breakdown due to my own anxiety or OCD related issues that i have no control over. But it seems that me constantly apologizing and telling someone i don’t want to ruin their night, this just happens occasionally is never enough. I feel like i try so hard to get people to understand me and nobody cares to listen. My friend of 2 years, just dropped me because i had an anxiety attack when i was with her. Out of those 2 years, i never once was mean or acted like that before and her response to that was “well you did” even though the entire night she was seeking validation through me about her anxious and overthinking thoughts. But the second i show a different form of anxiety it’s unacceptable.

I don’t think im built for close relationships. I have a lot of friends, but i can’t keep around best friends. I don’t like who i am and i wish i could just run away forever. I push people away due to my anger, and i don’t know how to not be so angry when im upset. Nobody wants to be around me when im depressed but i cannot keep masking and pretending to be happy when im not. It just makes me more angry. I’ve been to therapy and it seems to just make me even more angry. And me hiding my emotions and being avoidant also upsets people. I hate being insufferable and i wish i could just stop talking and hide my feelings.

I’m feeling conflicted about how to support my partner while protecting my own well-being. He was raised by a dad with anger issues, which has impacted how he handles his own anger. When he's upset, he struggles to communicate and sometimes escalates quickly - he's thrown and broken things and even driven recklessly. While these have only happened a few times in our two years together, they make me nervous.

I want to help him because I know he feels shame around his anger. Sometimes he admits it's an issue and shows openness, but other times he’s defensive, saying I’m overreacting. It seemed like he was more receptive at the beginning of our relationship, but now he insists he’s already “worked on it” and forbids me from offering suggestions. I understand that bringing it up adds to his shame, and I don’t want to amplify it, but my own fear often does that without me meaning to.

I want to feel safe in this relationship and support him, but I also know there are limits to what I can handle. What are your thoughts based on your experiences: Can someone truly improve if they avoid taking full accountability? Has anyone else been in a similar situation or have advice on ways to approach this? How can I balance my support for him with protecting my own peace?

I will answer as many questions as possible if you will be patient with me. If this post is not allowed, please let me know. I have some mental health challenges but function at a high level. I am extremely motivated when it comes to getting things done, working hard and loving my family. However, I get so angry and upset so fast. I hate this about me. My daughter had an incident with her high school marching band Friday night, well the “leaders” and the whole group was mad. There was the insinuation of body shaming the group she is in by the leaders and all hell broke loose.

I wasn’t there but she called me immediately and tried to tell me what had happened. Without even thinking, I started blowing up any and all contacts I had with the group and got zero response. Of course, this makes me even more angry. I was working my second job and left and went home because she was released to come home.

Later that evening one of the leaders called me and we talked through a few things but my spirit is just still so shaken. I often feel like I am unseen and I often speak up for those who don’t have a voice because I know how it feels

I don’t know what to do to keep myself from acting out like this and do not want to hurt anyone or any relationships when I get like this yet I always feel like I lose respect from others.

How do you cope with being blind sided and yes I am aware that life is just like this…

I decided to learn how to manage my anger better. Surprisingly, it was not avoiding anger and removing it completely out of my life, that allowed me to manage it. It was being ok with it, sitting and listening to this difficult emotion. It was: as mentioned in the sidebar, JOURNALING, about it, specifically, analyzing it, looking into patterns, my own personal triggers, in order to understand that my Anger is actually unique, and so is yours. This means that even though certain techniques for dealing are the same and the emotional responses seem to be the same, the combination of the phases behind my anger cycle will be different to yours. Why? Because we grew up differently, we all have our own stories, our own childhood sensitivity. Even when you grew up with siblings or a twin, you won’t cope exactly the same. And one of the most surprising things I discovered was you want to befriend your Anger. If you have ever been to therapy, you may have heard that Anger is actually a secondary emotion, and the underlying emotions are what we are going to explore, if you manage to embrace and be ok with your anger, by feeling it, and consciously choosing the healthy coping mechanism. You want to accept it, and have it become your ally, by telling you things about yourself like your own boundaries, your childhood wounds or trauma, your personal sensitivities or even lack of self care. I’ve put together a free series all about Anger, in hope to provide good info, actual analysis work, and real time techniques, everything on how I’ve done it. It took me at least 6-8 months to stop reacting/coping in my unhealthy ways: mine was yelling, screaming, and emotional outbursts. Sending good luck to anyone who may be struggling with anger. You will get to the other side, if you put in the work.

I have PTSD and BPD. I'm also Neodivergent. I get angry thoughts in my head how my exfriends cut me off, how they are doing better, how I was bullied in college, my D.V and SA, other trauma. It makes me relive and have angry thoughts as if I am saying it right in front of them. I have been through a lot on my own, and I have hurt others. I feel I don't have the right to be angry at anyone. Which makes me sad. It's like the rational part of me and the emotional part are always constantly fighting. Alot of times I can imagine maybe this is some sort of sick karma. And I don't deserve happiness.

Essentially, everyday to a point where I can’t even remember when it began, I’ve consistently felt pissed off at literally everything. Anything can make me mad and then the anger stays me builds and it only feels worse. Every hour, every minute, every second, I feel so fucking mad that I can’t even breathe comfortably where I have to keep manually breathing or else it feels like I’m suffocating. The anger just stays and makes it so hard to focus on anything else and it gets to points where I want nothing else but to scream and yell at the top of my lungs at anyone I see in a desperate attempt to relieve myself in any way possible but the thing is that no matter what I think of or what I try, the anger never leaves. Even writing this now in some desperate attempt to feel better, I can’t stop feeling like I’m not breathing and all I know for sure is that this won’t solve a damn thing. I just can’t breathe right and it only makes me more pissed off because if I try and just calm down and take deep breaths, I lose focus on my breathing and stop breathing and it keeps building and I get more mad and then I think about how I can’t fix it and that makes me more mad and it won’t stop this damned cycle

The other day I was in a group chat with my friend and he sent a video of this ugly and cringy girl that people don’t like and say that I remind him of her and it made me upset so I left the group chat and then he called me a snowflake and gay and called me a goblin girl and I was like crying and I got really angry and started cursing him out and telling him to shut the fuck up and I probably overreacted and I’m probably being too sensitive but like I was already insecure of how I look so what he sent made me feel so much worse. I feel embarrassed now cuz I got really really mad at him and I cursed him out a lot and he’s probably gonna tell everyone.