Posted this post earlier this morning with no luck. So I'd figure I'd post it again.

My sister in laws life was taken in a collision. I'm wondering more ways to support my husband's brother, when we've always had a toxic relationship.

A little context.

My husband got a early morning phone call from his brother yesterday.

His ex wife was on her way to Washington DC for a girls trip. She had a layover in Kansas, and was sadly a victim in the collision. I never had the chance to get to know her. The only thing that I know about her is, she was a flight attendant for her career, and so is my brother in law. I would like to know more ways to be more supportive to him (my brother in law) despite us never having the chance to get along.

My husband and I did take temporarily custody of his brother's 1 year old son yesterday. Under his brother's request. But I feel like that's just doing the bare minimum.

The title says it all. Based on the fact that there is a sub name for it, I’m going to take the answer as yes, but I still want to ask. Has anyone had latent/delayed grief? My Dad died in July. I thought I was dealing with it, but based on how I feel now, I feel like I was putting it off. I was pregnant when my Dad died. I had my babies (twins), adjusted to that, then the holidays happened. I had cried and mourned him. But lately, I have felt a soul crushing pain and emptiness. Knowing my kids won’t get to see my babies grow up kills me. What did you do that helped?

Since losing my dad just over a month ago (still such a strange thing to say) I’ve obviously become much more sensitive to the topic of death and keep seeing/hearing about it everywhere. I know that the world hasn’t changed just my perception, but wow people talk about death constantly. It’s everywhere online, in the news, in conversations so casually but now all I can think about is the deceased’s loved ones and how their entire world shifted, but for the rest of the world it’s just a quick side note.

For example, I was in a work meeting yesterday and someone was talking about their experience when a client passed away and it almost made me cry. She wasn’t being emotional at all, only talking about the next business steps needed which I understand but I also just felt so weird about it. Does this sensitivity ever go away or am I just crazy?

I found out my son’s father passed away on the evening of November 29th 2024. Two police detectives came to meet with me and they told me he was found deceased, frozen to death in the Salisbury river.

He got drunk and either fell in the river or jumped in the river. I needed him in my life. We spoke 24/7 whenever we got the chance..he made me laugh until I thought I’d die. Which is huge, as I am severely mentally ill and the only support system I have is my mom who has stage 4 lung cancer and lives about an hour away.

My son is 2 years old. His dad was only in his life for about a month, August 2024, as he did some time in prison. We never got a chance to get him on our son’s birth certificate, so I am not receiving any survivor benefits. As a matter of fact, my son and I are homeless living in a shelter because I lost the home we had been living in due to lack of childcare/lack of work/etc.

Things were supposed to get better. I was gonna finally have some help, be able to have his dad around to watch him so I could return to work and things were gonna look up.

I’m crushed man. I don’t know how to cope with this at all. I’ve thought heavily of ending my life on many occasions, almost everyday. I can’t bring myself to do that and leave my son with no parents. I am having the hardest time picking up the pieces. I’m autistic and I don’t have many people to talk to, call for help if needed, or anything like that. I feel like my life has been orchestrated to just see how much pain a human being can take.

The photo above was taken November 20th 2024, the last day my son’s father was alive. We made plans that night to meet up in the morning at 8am- he did not have a phone, as he had just gotten out of prison that day. He also didn’t have anywhere to stay that night, as he couldn’t stay at the shelter as he was too late getting out of prison to get an intake for the day. He never showed. I didn’t know what to do, so I waited and waited. I feel like I’ll be waiting forever. I find myself having these horrifying panic attacks throughout my day and I am unable to control my episodes of crying. I do not know how I will be able to function however I am trying.

a year ago this month, i found out the only person i had made friends with in college was found dead in their apartment multiple days after a seizure. Grief is even worse when you can't connect with other grievers because you weren't really apart of their family life, and friends are few and far between the older I grow. He was only 28. So beautiful inside snd out. So kind. better person than I will ever be. I miss him so dearly. When he went a light in this world left with him. To you, Forrest. i still miss you. I still remember.

My mom died of stage iv cancer and I was her caregiver. We spent countless days, weeks, months, years etc in and out of the hospital it was a nightmare for both of us. I have some health problems myself and experienced some pretty serious scares with my health in the past. Long story short, I hate going to the hospital. It's not based on a irrational fear but on experience. I have to go to the doctors soon to get a new refill prescription and there's no getting out of it. I'm terrified of going. I don't want to be reminded of the hell I've been through these years. The place fills me with dread and the thought of going terrifies me and has for a long time. And I remember my mother's anguish and pain in these places. I haven't gone in almost two years due to my fear and also my own hectic schedule. And I'm scared about my own health although a big part of me doesn't give a da*n what happens to me anymore. I guess I'm venting and asking advice. I know I'll get emotional going and I'm not looking forward to having to tap into that emotional pain and fear. Any advice? Am I the only one who feels this way about hospitals?

Hi everyone,

I met Z when I was 19 through work and liked each other but nothing happened because of work together. We stayed good friends and in 2020 reconnected and started dating, it didn’t work out for a few reasons I won’t mention (nothing major, communication differences) But we ended on good terms and would occasionally hook up over the years if both of us were single. There was always love there and we both thought extremely highly of each other from having that friendship as the starting point and having grown up together.

On the 1st of January he died in a freak accident. I had to be signed off work and I went and stayed with my parents for a week.

My current boyfriend of a year didn’t know about Z, I had never told him our history as it was years ago. The first conversation I had with my current boyfriend actually turned into an argument and he accused me of still having feelings for Z as I was “so upset” about his death. He has also since been jealous of Z, and got upset and compared himself.

Ever since then, I don’t feel supported by him at all. I have to hide my grief around him as he finds it uncomfortable supporting me grieving someone I had a long history with. Because I’m so emotional my reactions have been extreme, I am quite angry and fly off the handle quickly to my boyfriend. I am in therapy (I’ve had therapy for years, on and off) I know it’s just the grief and know my headspace will get better soon.

My boyfriend has made me feel like a bad person for being so emotional and reactive. He has recently told me “you’re hard to love”.

I’m just confused as to what to do? My headspace is terrible at the moment and I don’t want to make any rushed decisions. But I can’t help but feel my boyfriend is being completely unsupportive and not giving me any grace or patience during this difficult time.

Has anyone been through a similar situation where your current partner supports you grieving an ex? And how did they handle it?

41F here, just from the south where we never grow out of calling our parents mama and daddy.

After mama died, my daddy stepped into the role of both parents for my brother and myself. Put his own grief aside at times to make sure we were ok. He is the strongest, kindest, most amazing daddy anyone could have. After years of health problems, he had several good years where he has been comfortable and happy. He even got remarried to a wonderful lady who I am proud to call my stepmom.

Late last year, right before Thanksgiving, he had some severe pain/nausea show up basically overnight. After multiple tests, a long hospital stay, and several road blocks to diagnosis, he's been diagnosed with very aggressive late stage liver cancer. We have been given a time frame of a few months tops, he is now at home under hospice care. I want him around, I want to pursue treatment. But I know he's tired, cancer treatment is so harsh and most likely will be unsuccessful.

I am heartbroken, scared, angry, and somehow numb at the same time. I am not ready for this. How do I prepare for grief with a heart that just started feeling normal again since the loss of my mama?

I'm sorry I've never posted here. I don't know if I've done it correctly...I lost my dad just before Christmas to a very rare aggressive liver sarcoma. My mum and he had been married 52 years. My mum had many health issues like diabetes, high blood pressure and we just found out from blood work that her kidney function was extremely low. The last 3 weeks she's been in hospital and caught a chest infection but they couldn't clear the fluid from her lungs and they couldn't treat her kidney disease because she was too unwell. I lost her today. I don't know how to deal with the grief of losing both my parents in such a short time. I'm 51(f) and I have no siblings or life partner I just have my 2 beautiful daughters (one 32, one 15) we are all heartbroken. My mum was my rock, I went to her for all of life's problems and advice. How do I process this loss and how can I cope with losing one of my 3 best friends? (My girls are my other 2).

This is the first time I've used Reddit to post something like this.

Today I received a message from someone I didn't know who was trying to contact me through FB. After a couple of messages we spoke on the phone, and it turned out to be the (non-blood) grandchild of my biological father, telling me that he passed away suddenly last week.

My dad was in his 60s and it was sudden/unexpected. They are currently unsure how/why and are awaiting the coroner's report/death certificate.

My parents separated when I was around 5. I'm now 40. My dad never really kept in touch for long after he left, so me and and my brothers grew up without him in our lives. We're not a very close family, my mum is very closed off so it was never really talked about. But all of my life I wondered where he was and why he never came back. I do remember my mum had a new relationship pretty soon after my dad was off the scene - there may even have been some overlap.

When I was in my early twenties I was applying for a job which required both parents addresses/last known addresses, so I asked my mum what she knew. She was able to tell me the road that his parents lived on many years back. I wrote him a letter on a whim. Drive down in my lunch break, and wandered up and down the street not really sure what the hell I was doing. Until a neighbour spotted me looking like a lost lamb. I told them who I was looking for, and they told me that the family (my dad's parents) lived at that hous, and took me right to it. I put the letter through the door and drove home.

A few days later I had an email from my dad. An excited, surprised, emotional email. It went from 0 to 100 very quickly, where I, as the still young abandoned child had questions. He tried to answer as best he could buy email. He wanted to meet, to talk. When I read he'd been in the same town all those years I got angry. Said some harsh things. He could have handled it better. Contact never really went much further.

Fast forward about 10 years and I experienced death for the first time. It wasn't someone I knew that long but it affected me so much so, I wanted to contact my dad to see if he was still around (all those years I was terrified he was dead). He was. He was delighted to hear from me and we met up.

I still see him now walking towards me on the train station concourse with his suit jacket on. We were both nervous but happy. We spent hours talking. Not just about the last, but about music, my job, all sorts of things.

He'd told me that my mum was already in a relationship with someone else. He was pushed out. My nan never lived him and was constantly trying to split them up (I believe it). He struggled visiting and seeing someone else father us. I can't recall everything he said, but it made me realise that it's never as simple as you think it is. They were young. He wanted to play in bands. That's all I know or remember being told really.

After we met we kept in touch, we wanted to build a relationship. He had a family (he'd married an older woman who already had kids of her own), but I didn't begrudge him that. We talked of me meeting them.

Contact was sporadic. Not helped by the pandemic. I took forever to reply to his messages but my life got so busy and I changed careers and moved areas a couple of times. I also was finding it hard to know where to begin with building trust and a relationship with him. He did try, but I took forever to reply. Then a couple of years ago contact began again, I talked about introducing him to my partner, and showing him the campervan we had built. He was keen, then my last message in 2022 was read but he never replied. I didn't try contacting him again.

I've thought about him on and off since then, but I don't know why I never tried again. I really don't.

Then today I was told he's dead. He died last week. It hit me immediately and I haven't been able to stop crying since.

I've only had one family member die, and that was my nan who was in her 80s (the same one he said didn't like him) and it was sort of expected after she deteriorated after breaking her hip in a fall.

This feels different. It hurts so bad. Is it guilt? Is it the unanswered questions I will never know the answers to? I wish I could see him again, and tell him that yes I was rubbish at staying in contact but it was complicated and life wasn't very settled for me then. I am much more grounded and mature now, and I wish he could see that. I wish I could tell him that in spite of how hurt I was throughout life without a father figure, I forgive him and I only want good things for him. That I love him, because he is my dad. Part of me. I look like him too.

I just feel so so sad and hurt.

I'm not sure if anyone will ever read this.

I wish I had been warned how hard it would be. Yes I'm further out now I can see some light but sometimes I slip back again a little and have to try that bit harder to make it back up.

I don’t know if this is the right subreddit, but I am honestly just in need of a community space oriented around this.

It’s been five days since my father collapsed in his home due to a cardiac arrest. His brother who lives with him thought he was choking and attempted to intervene but realized he was not indeed choking. His girlfriend (who, like him, is an addict- alcohol and cigarettes daily, stimulants, benzos, oxys occasionally as far as I know) tried to do cpr…on his right side.

Apparently he was down for 5? minutes and it took 5 shocks to get him stable enough to get to the hospital where a stent was placed due to a 100% occlusion of left ventricle and myocardial infarction.

Day 1 he wasn’t responding to pain, and they found all the previously mentioned substances in his toxicology report. He was transported to one of the worst hospitals and I was not notified of his status until my uncle told me (withholding details).

Ct scan, heart monitoring, and labs have all been normal but they haven’t done any mri or eeg. When they lowered the dose of fentanyl he is on for sedation, he opens his eyes spontaneously but does not follow any directions or commands. He does not seem there but at the same time he does and it’s killing me. He is also running a fever from an infection, which was told to be from pneumonia.

The hospital was a nightmare between not knowing he had his contacts in for four days straight, refusing to use any thermodynamic therapy, day shift not informing night shift of his status, and questioning me when I asked to speak an ADN, I have never seen such a poor quality of care.

Not to mention,when I got there on day 3 after flying from California, I went from 5pm- 1am without seeing a single doctor or member of his care team. At 1 the icu/ccu resident comes in and answers the questions I had with “I don’t know, I’m sorry I’ve only been here for three weeks.” She was the only resident or on call doctor and she was in charge of dozens of beds of the most critically ill patients. I am shocked by that.

Fast forward to today where he is getting the proper care to begin his process of lab work and testing/imaging again. The doctors are basically telling me they don’t see him meeting the markers of where they expected him to be by now and I am devastated to say the least.

My father and I have always had a complicated situation and one thing he did was that he knew he did bad things, and unlike my mom who can never make mistakes, he feels so much remorse. That remorse sends him into a self destructive cycle.

He grew up so very religious and was kicked out at 17 for wearing cargo shorts, and his parents were never loving or sweet in anyway.

As a father he fucked up so bad between emotionally, physically, and financially abusing my mother, sister, and 1, which led to my mother using me as a scapegoat.

Time after time my father chose himself and his needs over mine. He stayed on and off with the said girlfriend for years, all while witnessing who she is and how she spoke to me- for example: her telling me I “needed to be put down like a dog.”

At the same time my father is a kind person who loves to chat about my boy problems and encourage me to buy myself a new pair of shoes. He hasn’t financially supported me in a decade (I’m 25), but I know when I have something annoying I could always complain to him. Or make a joke with him about something silly I did and he would laugh.

He chose having her over his own life. And I am so angry.

I found out from my aunt that he told her how much of a shit father he was and how he could never tell us and see us talk about our disappointment. It is heartbreaking because that is all I wanted- for him to know that I know that he knows he fucked yo and to say it to me. To open that door.

And now it feels like it’s too late and I’m so angry and hurt. I recently started a PhD program and moved from New York to California and settled into a cute place in the red woods. All I wanted him was to see the Pacific Ocean because he had never been to the west coast. And he was so excited about where I lived. I kept saying come visit please.

Obviously he never did and it’s been months. My aunt tells me last night that since I moved there he has been telling her nonstop about how all he wants to do is take a walk with me in my backyard but can’t face himself because he doesn’t deserve my love because of everything he put me through in my life.

When I found out he was in the ccu I dropped everything and flew on the first flight back and stayed with him in the hospital overnight.

I witnessed so much negligence and promised him I would get him to a better place. I wound up getting a transfer request approved which apparently is more difficult and rare than I thought.

In the new hospital I finally heard the whole story. After letting her back into his life, they went on a bender that weekend it happened.

I am betrayed, hurt, and so full of hate and anger but I love him nonetheless. And the doctors are not hopeful. They are running an eeg as I type and I don’t know what to do when I get the results.

So now I look into his eyes, and even as he can’t hold eye contact, I tell him that I love him and forgive him and I’m still so angry but that will heal. I told him that wherever he is I hope hw can forgive himself and see choose to accept the love we have for him despite running from it his whole life.

I told him that he deserved better, that he never got to be a child, never got to feel deserving of love. How he spiraled into self destruction because he could not make a choice to seek out help to be better, do better.

So now I await the results, and I am broken beyond belief. I’m 25 and have taken care of myself for a decade but damn will I miss his stupid sayings and weird quirks.

I want to be hopeful but I don’t feel like I can be.

How do I go on with my life? What do I do to grieve? Where do I even start?

Luckily I have amazing friends and a great therapist. And my sister and I have become so much closer because of this.

I think I am broken in a way that I can’t even imagine.

It will be Ten years this coming November since she left... I miss her more than ever. Lately I have been listening to "Now We are Free" from Gladiator a lot... It reminds me of the lines at the ending scene "You are home, go to them.." I am a single mom to a teen son, these last ten years have had many challenges in them. Not a day has gone by I didn't wish she was still here. I honor her everyday in small little ways; I remain as strong as I can be everyday for my son but deep down in my heart I long for the day I can be reunited with my mother again and never be separated again.

dear dad, it's been almost 4 years. I'll be 16 this year, sometimes I blame you for dying because if you wouldn't have been so stubborn maybe you would still be here. you've missed so many major events in my life, I wish you were still here to walk me down the isle one day. I get jealous of my sister because you walked her down the isle on the most important day of her life but you'll never walk me down the isle on mine. at the age of 12 you passed away right in front of my eyes, I watched as you took your very last breath in that hospital bed. I wish I wasn't there. sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if you were still here. at the age of 12 I was told to be strong for my family, so I was. I didn't grieve and I paid for it, I fell into a deep depression and couldn't get out of bed for a really long time, I now have generalized anxiety disorder and social anxiety, I have chronic migraines that are debilitating. I wish you were here. I miss you dad.

I’m not very good at this stuff so I apologize if it’s not done well.

Lost my both my parents, my aunt and both grandmothers I had left within two years. From 2022 to 2024 my mom died first i just turned 21. It was the most traumatic out of them all she struggled with addiction my whole life just like my dad did. I’d say we were pretty poor we kind of had to share a room to sleep in staying with my grandparents. The night before she was fine ya know I told her goodnight love you. I went to sleep got abruptly woken up by my dad at 4 am screaming she was slumped over in the bed and blue my mind went to a place it’s never been to before. We tried to save her the paramedics got a pulse but it was to late we had to pull the plug on her at the hospital. My little brother saw the whole thing I was to traumatized to even be able to comfort him at the time. I went down a pretty dark road of addiction thinking I was helping myself cope with the grief it just made it 10x worse.

One year later my aunt who was the only mother figure I had left passed away unexpectedly due to a stroke. She was all I had left to be there for me as a motherly figure she tried to help me cope and be there for me.

My grandmother who helped raise me as a kid we were pretty close. She had be getting abused by step grandfather she had ended up in the hospital due to injuries. I lived about and two hours away and didn’t know anything about it at the time. But she was released from the hospital and nobody went to pick her up. She had some mental health issues and when she was released she hadn’t taken her medication. It kind of kept her sane and in the right mind well she wandered off and ended up getting hit by a truck in traffic. She ended up passing away days later that hurt me a lot.

Last year in 2024 my dad ended up getting really bad sick. he’s had pretty bad health since his motorcycle wreck in 2007. they had to amputate his leg and do alot of surgeries to save him. He wasn’t able to be very present as a father most of my life and struggled with addiction. He was suicidal a few times from the pain and being bed ridden most of the time. I’ve had to help take care of him see him deal with struggles most of my life it was sad to see. He ended up in the hospital due to an infection in his heart I thought it was gonna be one of his normal hospital trips from hurting. He never made it back out of the hospital though. He ended up have a blood clot go to his brain and since there was nobody else to make decisions I had to make the heart breaking decision to pull the plug on him because he was just gonna end up being a vegetable in a bed pretty much. He told me that’s one thing he never wants if something was to happen to him so I had to make that decision. I literally sat in my car for like three days losing my mind crying and just felt like my world had ended. My poor little brother had to see me like that I felt so bad. I tried my best to comfort him and be there for him at the same time dealing with my own grief. Now I have my 15yr old brother I take care of and he’s everything to me he’s all I got he’s my whole world. I just want the best for him and he’s doing so good in life despite all the trauma I’m really proud of him.

Our only grandmother we had left passed away a few months ago in her sleep her health was really bad after having covid. We were really close she gave us a home and took care of us. Now I’m just left trying to grasp and deal with the grief of losing all of them within the span of two years it feels like all too much at once. I struggle so bad with my mental health while trying to take care of us at the same time. I work my full time job and try to keep a roof over our heads and nobody understands. I don’t really have much mental health support I feel like I need help professionally. the flashbacks of my mom never go away. I just feel broken and empty inside while I try to do good and be a good person at the same time. I feel so lost I’m only 24 this stuff is supposed to happen over a lifetime.

Sorry if my grammar or punctuation is bad did this on my lunch break I just wanted to get this off my chest.

Glad I found this sub. I'm struggling. I'm 43. My mom is 67. She is disabled and can't move around by herself safely. She has dementia. And soon she is having neurosurgery. I know this is a bit long but I try to tie it all together in the end.

My mom and I have a very complicated relationship. She was an alcoholic. (Other than the drinking the related toxic habits never left.) She knew I was being abused by an older sibling (though I didn't tell her who, she definitely knew and there was a ton of signs) and by omission of action allowed it to continue. That being said, I love my mom. When all that was happening she was going through divorce from my dad... (He was a drug addict, alcoholic, and abusive towards her.) She was thrown from having to be a stay at home mom of 13 years to working 3 jobs. I guess my point of this post is that grief is so freaking complicated.

When my dad passed in 2009 the grief was a bit delayed I think somewhat due to the above factors. On a 1-10 scale of relationship closeness I was only a 1 with my father but when grief eventually hit it was full force. Since Dad passed, I have gone to Al-Anon (for family and friends etc of alcoholics), done 6 years of therapy, and worked on my part of repairing what I can of the relationship with my mom. I still have a lot of anger but I can understand that she was in a shitty situation. Doesn't justify her willful obliviousness but I digress. Honestly, with the condition she is now, fostering my anger only hurts me because she doesn't remember much anymore.

I'm sorry to be all over the place. I guess I'm here to say that I am so confused and sad knowing my mom is nearing the end of her life. Confronting her about why she allowed the abuse would only hurt me by retraumatizing me and not help heal anything between us.

To complicate matters, my 3 brothers live in the same neighborhood as her. My 2 younger brothers are amazing and I am close with them. They work so hard to help my mom with her needs and they are exhausted but never complain. I live in another state but drive down once or twice a month to stay and help. My older brother is my abuser and doesn't do anything to help my mom even though he is half a block away. Unfortunately he has the passcode to my mom's lock (we all do) and he comes and goes without knocking or letting anyone know. It seems he comes by mainly for appearances sake and to soothe his guilt because he does nothing useful to help her.

I have to move soon and am going to move back to the same state so I can be closer to help with mom but I have made a boundary for my healing that I cannot live anywhere close enough that my older brother can in any way be a part of my life. All of this makes it really hard to help my younger brothers (who are desperate for help) to understand why I won't come live with my mom and help more. They aren't pressuring me or anything, they just bring it up a lot that I could stay with her to help. I feel so much guilt and grief knowing my mom is going to not be here much longer and I just simply cannot be with her and consequently can't help with her care as much as my brothers could use the help. On the 1-10 closeness scale, with my mom, after years of self-work I would say I am a 5 or 6 so I know the grief and guilt will likely be magnified even worse than with my father who I barely knew.

This is all so complicated and painful. I don't want the abuse from my brother to come out while my mom is alive because it would be traumatic for everyone. I love my mom. I'm so confused. Grief sucks.

To start this off: I'm 20F, and my brother is 19. When he was 15, he was a healthy, active kid who loved mountain biking and football. One day, he complained of a headache, and by the next morning, he woke up completely unresponsive, just wailing. It turned out he had meningitis, which led to a spinal stroke, leaving him fully paralyzed and dependent on a breathing tube. Fast forward to now, and for the past four years, I’ve been helping care for him. He’s fought through so much – several close calls with death, including sepsis, and yet he somehow keeps defying the odds. He’s always been so stubborn.

But recently, things have started to take a turn. His body is starting to shut down. He’s been having more complications, like not eating as much and having bowel issues. After everything, we've had many talks about dying, and he’s told me he's ready to go. He even joked that he’s leaving me his PS5, so me and my other brother can fist fight over it – those were his exact words. Even though I’ve been preparing for his death for years and I'm ready for him to stop being in pain, it still doesn’t make it any easier. I guess after so many years of him being so close to death, I’ve become a bit numb to it. But now, as I realize it’s actually happening, I’m overwhelmed with sadness, anger, and every other emotion you can think of. It feels like I’m back in that moment when the doctors told us he wouldn’t recover from the stroke four years ago.

I’m not really sure why I’m writing this – maybe just to get my feelings out. But I do have a question…How do you cope with anticipatory grief, and once the person you loved passes away, what comes next in the healing process? How did you begin to heal from that loss?

She was very sick for so long and I am just now realizing I had a lot of anticipatory grief. I'm wondering if that's what's making the process a bit more bearable for me? The first couple days were hard and things still are but not near as bad as I thought I would be. Maybe I'm still in shock? I almost feel like the months leading up were way worse. After it happened, I felt like I came out of a fog

This tweet feels like the warmth of a fading sunset. Knowing the unknown and making peace with it.

Hi,

I don't usually post anything personal, I have actually tried not being on Reddit as much but I am too scared to use grief chat lines and I have been suffering from a very complicated messy death. I cannot grieve normally and it is killing me every day since.

Recently my (25m) ex-boyfriend (30m) passed away in a motorcycle accident. I did not find out for two entire days.

We had been trying to work things out for several months but still were seeing each other most weekends. Prior to this we had been together for four years meeting at the height of the pandemic.

Four days before his death we finally broke up, and while hard I knew it was coming. We agreed to be friends, I hugged him goodbye, we agreed to stay friends and then I prepared to move on with my life.

The last thing we did the night before was play together on Steam, he was tipsy and tired and after four hours I suggested he get some rest and sleep.

Not too long after this he went out riding and died.

Two days passed and I received a message on Steam from his brother's profile, which was very odd. The message simply asked if I knew about my boyfriend but he ended it by asking "was I safe?" - right away I looked up local news and there was a short news video, and I saw the body bag and the police tape. And then the yellow decal of his mangled Kawasaki bike.

Within minutes his brother called and everything unravelled from there and the grief began. I'm not a public person usually and would not usually post something like this on my reddit account but I spent 4 years with him and that will go down as the worst night of my life.

Unfortunately, my partner was not out of the closet fully to his parents. His mother was ashamed of his sexuality and called him confused while his father is an abusive fundamentalist Christian a deeply disturbed man with severe mental illness. Even his close friends and colleagues had no idea. Only his brother really knew.

I was allowed to partake in a day of grief with the family and laying of flowers at the site. I was told by the family to not speak of the memories I shared with their son or to let then know we were in a relationship together, his mother said that my boyfriend had been confused and was straight and wanted children (there was no basis for this).

The brother attempted to stand up for me but in the end she won, her grief took precedent and I agreed to pretend we were just "good friends". I asked to view the body with the family, I was invited initially but then the offer revoked which hurt badly.

For four years I had known his mothers' side of the family and had been to countless holidays and events but overnight I was just another random person who they regret knew their son.

Then more bad news followed.

In the days that came after I was contacted by two other men who my boyfriend had been seeing without my knowledge nor protection.

One he met in another state who he had since broke things off with after 5 months of long distance, a man who he had told all the personal failings of our relationship (even things he did not communicate to me) which were relayed back to me from this man without my asking. He would continue to goad me and speak of all the intimate moments he had with my ex despite the fact I was also still seeing him or sharing him. I blocked him quickly before I could spiral.

The other man he had only known for 3 weeks but this person had become wildly attached to him, to the point I felt embarrassed how much deeper in grief they seemed to be. To the point they had considered ending their own life.

I was angry after finding this out, that for the 5 months we agreed to improve our relationship he had been seeing other men and still was intimate with me without telling me of his other catch ups. He had lied and was not honest with me.

I then had the mortifying experience of a post death STD test to ensure he had not spread anything as we agreed to be monogamous. It came back clear luckily but the experience left me empty.

I reached the anger of the grief stage quickly and intensely, I was angry he betrayed and lied to me and that he was dead so I couldn't confront him for it. Insanely selfish but it was how I felt in that moment.

I then tried to see a positive from the situation, I reached out to the man he had been seeing locally and found out he was alone with seemingly no support or accepting parents. I offered to attend the funeral with him and meet with him to discuss our shared love for my ex, this act of kindness soon turned out to be a mistake.

We attended the funeral and it did not represent who my boyfriend was, funerals rarely do represent the dead but this one was superficial and hollow. The music aside from one track was not his favourite, his talented hand drawings he kept hidden were not included in the presentation when I requested they should be seen. The only words of his memory that held any merit were those of his friends and brother.

I gave so many photos of us together and how he interacted happily with my own family, even the nice photos I took of him without me in them were not used in the montage. In the end my inclusion minimal, 2 photos of him during covid masked up that I hadn't even thought about when taking. This was another gut punch.

I sat through the funeral motionless and silently crying, his lover could not stop crying loudly and had to be comforted by my friends with tissues which was embarrassing to see, my family and friends had no idea why I chose to bring him. All I wanted was to do the right thing and yet this still was a bad choice on my part.

It felt like a rock was sitting in my stomach seeing as this person next to me only knew him for three weeks in a relationship (which was not serious by his account) and he was tearfully weeping but I was only angry and sat hiding in the back row trying not to tear up.

The funeral and speakers talked about angels and heaven, that my ex boyfriend was with the lord as his abusive father would put it. I wanted to be sick, my ex would not have wanted this and he didn't believe in organised religion but here I was sat listening to "Spirit in the Sky".

It was not until they took him to the hearse and when the coffin was placed inside I broke down briefly. But still I had to hide myself, I brought friends and family who were disgusted on my behalf, disgusted that the mother wanted me distanced and back in the closet but still I hid myself and faced the wall and hid my tears. I could not leave fast enough.

I even tried to include a generic post on the funeral Web page but it was taken down by the family. There was no formal way to express my personal grief at the loss of my ex.

In the end I was just an afterthought, and I will never get to grieve what we had together and nobody understands the complicated pain I have been experiencing. Part of me hopes my ex partner would have been by my side or that I felt his presence but I have yet to experience anything close to that, in fact I experience the opposite.

In the days since his passing I have not had a restful sleep, every night my ex comes to me in my dreams and berates me and tells me how I failed him. I understand this is the brain and my self-critical thoughts but it feels more than that like these are visions and I am not religious at all.

Every night the same, he comes and sits at the foot of my bed and he is angry with me and he says I am failing or that I should not have come to his funeral. Or even the most hurtful moments where he says he never loved me in the first place.

I cannot take any more nights like these, I have tried talking to him aloud or even prayed for him to leave me alone but my brain is still manifesting him. To the point now I am scared of falling asleep and having to take pills just to cope.

I cannot work, I cannot eat and I cannot sleep properly. People around me are trying to understand but how can they, this is my grief and only I can deal with it.

I bought him a gift for his birthday and he used it to make me something for Christmas, the day we broke up he gave it to me but I can't even look at the object or photos of us.

While the end was messy he still was an amazing, talented person and I felt lucky to have known him. But I regret the time wasted in our relationship, the petty fights or arguments we might have had. I would give him and I never meeting if it brought him back tomorrow.

Now I truly feel that nobody is in my corner, I feel guilt and the most crushing pressure. Not only can I not grieve effectively but I feel like I'm not allowed to grieve him. My family is deeply angry at the other side for ignoring what our connection, they also view my ex negatively post death due to his infidelity The other side are in deep grieving and are ambivalent to me as a person, to them those 4 years are a smudge.

Four years of some of the best memories of my life and I just want to forget them, I just want this to all be over or for me to go in and out of a coma to forget. It all just feels like a bad dream I cannot wake up from.

He was very conflicted and had a very rough upbringing, he hated big crowds and he had violent night terrors. He was also the kind of person that would help everyone but his self to his own detriment, I wasn't the perfect boyfriend but I tried my best to show him why he needed help. Now I feel it only made things worse and that's why he comes to me.

His other relationship, his brother and family all have positive connections with him since his death almost a month ago. Why don't I have that too? Why does he hate me?

I don't expect anybody to be able to answer any of this on here, I don't need anyone to do that either. I just feel lost in a very messy fucked up situation, one where I feel I will never get over this death.

I thought the funeral would give some closure but if anything it just made me more upset, and ultimately I'm missing a lot of context/background info and that's by design as some of those details will give this away unfortunately.

I'm sorry by how long and rambling this is, I know eventually things move on and that it doesn't get easier just passable but it does help typing out the feelings. Even if I have spent the last 2 hours retyping and deleting, almost not wanting to put this through at all.

Would anyone here maybe be in the same position with a very fresh breakup and subsequent death, how did you process it?

I don't know if it's appropriate to include a TLDR on a grief support post but basically I can't grieve my closeted cheating ex whose ghost visits me and hates me despite trying not to be hated. How do I process?

Also I posted this on my main so sorry for people stalking my profile if they see anything weird.

Honestly I need some words of comfort for these past two months have been literal hell on earth

First my 14 year old sister dies unexpectedly in December and then yesterday we had to put our 2 year old dog down unexpectedly

Meanwhile my car broke down, someone spiked my drink on my birthday which in turn made me lose my dream job oh and I’m also planning my wedding which now I have no motivation to do or anything at this point So How am I supposed to stay positive during all this ?

I lost my mom almost 6 weeks ago. I’m terribly depressed. Everything feels wrong and bad. I don’t see the point in living anymore. She was my person. She was all I had. No one I know is alone like I am. Everyone has a spouse/kids/parents/siblings. Even if they lost one person close to them they would still have more immediate family to help them. Not that it would hurt any less, but no one I know in person understands what it’s like to be completely alone. To come home to silence every night. To have no one to call when something happens. Everyone keeps saying how lucky I am to have a family to support me (meaning my aunts, uncles, and cousins) but they are my extended family. They won’t come over in the middle of the night to hold me while i sob. They won’t make me some scrambled eggs because I haven’t eaten in 2 days. They have their own families to worry about. They love me, but I am not their priority. The closest thing I have to immediate family is my grandparents. My Grandpa is 87, my Grandma is 77. They just lost their daughter (my mom). They are struggling badly. I can’t lean on them the way I need someone to lean on.

Yesterday I found out my cat I’ve had for 17 years has lymphoma. I needed to call my mom but I couldn’t. I didn’t know who to call. I wanted to call my Grandma, but she was recently diagnosed with absence seizures triggered by stress (terribly exacerbated by my mom’s passing) so I didn’t want to upset her and possibly cause a seizure. My Grandpa doesn’t care much for animals so probably wouldn’t be very comforting. I called my aunt because she has cats and would be the most empathetic. She sat on the phone with me for about 15 minutes and let me cry and told me how sorry she was. But that was all. I appreciate her. I do. But when my dog passed in July, my mom was here for the whole process. She came over and cried with me. She went with me to the vet. She was here because she was my person. I’ve never felt so alone in my life. I don’t think I can handle this feeling much longer. It feels like I’m losing everything. Like my life is completely pointless.

I don’t want to “unalive” myself. I couldn’t do that to my grandparents. They need me right now. And my cat will need me a lot in the coming months. But after they are gone… i don’t know that I really care to exist in this cold empty world alone anymore. Idk. Maybe things will get better. My therapist keeps saying just give it time. But it’s been almost 6 weeks and things have only gotten worse. I just miss my mom so much.

My mom battled cancer for the past 3 years and she finally rested last Sunday. Before she passed, she gave me clear instructions on what she wanted me to do. These instructions involved not telling X people about her cancer till she died, not inviting X people to her funeral. She was a very forgiving person but she despised some people, that’s why she told me all that.

I contacted some people I knew that were going to try and crash the funeral, to avoid any fights during it. I was very polite and most of people understood and respected her wishes. This person my mom barely had contact anymore invited my mom’s ex-husband (thankfully he didn’t come), and when I complained about it very politely, she cursed me and started talking shit about me personally on the day of her funeral. Yesterday I told someone from my father’s family (which she also didn’t trust), and this person started telling me I have issues and they had the right to know. People knew my mom as the sweetest person, so all of these requests are making people think I’m being an asshole and I keep receiving hate.

I know I should just ignore it but I still can’t believe the audacity of these people, I was her only family and all I did was respect what she wanted. I’m already dealing with grief, now I have to be pissed about people offending me during it. I’m trying to be the nicest possible, very polite and respectful as my mom taught me, but these people are starting to get the worst of me.

It's been three years and still can't see the photos. Can't recall even good memories and happy days. My brain freezes and ears start to ring. I want to get better, get out of this, and live my normal life again but nothing makes me feel better. My therapist told me I should not push myself too hard to get better but it's too painful to be here. It's really scary to live with something terrible deep in the closet.

I still can’t believe that she’s gone. I never thought this would happen so soon. I still feel like a child in some ways, I’m not ready to live without my parents. I haven’t slept in two weeks. I don’t know how to help my sister, but I want to be brave for her. She’s so young and she needs her parents too. My brother was the only person who understood me and he’s gone too! I don’t think I can handle this anymore. I don’t know what to do 😭. I’m so angry at everything and I don’t know how to stop. I need help somehow…

my mum passed away on 7 november 2024 at age 53. she went for a nap after work as usual and that was it. we initially thought she had a heart attack. but she was sent for tests and an autopsy and they found absolutely nothing wrong with her.

we were told by the autopsy people that they took a few biopsies from her to get tested but we will probably be waiting 12-18 months to hear back because of the extensive backlog. i know people who had never heard from them.

she was the healthiest in our family. her job had her walking 8-10km a day, she had a very balanced diet, never smoked but did enjoy a bourbon at night. she had asthma and bursitis in both her hips, but she pretty much had these under control with meds etc.

i just want to know what happened - did she just pass in her sleep, was she jolted awake and realised she was dying, was she dealing with something we didn’t know about? i am 24, i just want my mummy back.

has anyone else on this sub been in a similar position? how do you learn to cope with this?

I absolutely feel so much better after my mother’s death and much less fearful. She had an aneurysm and came home on hospice after 4 weeks. She was not lucid much in the hospital but within an hour of being set up in the living room in her hospital bed that queen came back. She laughed sh ate sh kne everyone. We had a few really awesome days and some very difficult ones as well.
Hospice had handed each person in my family a booklet with pretty detailed descriptions of the dying process. I wish they had been more insistent that we each read it carefully. Basically what happened is she was in a “rally” at the end before she became comatose. Rallys are common and the sad thing that I did not know as I fell asleep in the next room com my mama was my husband when I said”Hony, she is going to live! I was wrong birth hospice support was monumental in what I consider to be a respectful exit surrounded by loved ones.

She was cremated and I am very happy to know more about the process. She continued teaching me even after death. I found out that people with batteries , pacemakers , etc have to have all of this metal removed prior to cremation in case of explosion of these devices. My mama didn’t have any but I have a lot of it up and down my spine from shoulder blade to left butt cheek where my ipg to my spinal cord stimulator is buried.

Being cut up to retrieve these pieces flows kind of wig me out but it is what it is and I’m hopeful that I don’t allow myself to go down some sort of bunny hole thinking about it.

Has anyone else had a similar situation.