Hi,

I lost my father to lung cancer with several metastasis in brain, liver and lung two months ago. He was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer in march and had 3 cycles of chemotherapy, a brain surgery and radiation therapy. I was there for him every day. I've never seen him cry or shake with fear before the diagnosis. I am now not only struggling with his loss - i start to get some kind of flashbacks how he suffered everyday. Every evening I remember his last evening with the severe, untreatable shortness of breath, severe anxiety and pain. The way he looked me in the eye while i hold his hand. The incredible helplessness. Or I remember him lying in the hospital, fearful and trembling, the day before his brain operation. Or I remember how he suddenly can no longer taste his and my favorite spice, cinnamon, and finds it disgusting, how he loses all zest for life, day after day.

Thinking about it, maybe I should try to see my psychiatrist as soon as possible and not wait another 3 weeks, it's getting worse and worse..

Is anybody experiencing something similiar? Is this normal?

I feel like I'm on auto pilot and I have no control. My birth mother was diagnosed in mid June. She didn't want any testing or treatment and entered into hospice. Doctors estimated 6 months. My step mother used to be a nurse and said given how far spread it was she thought it would be less than 3 months. Eventually she said based on how things were looking she didn't think she'd make it to August. She passed end of July, 6 weeks after finding out.

I'm still in shock at how fast she deteriorated in her final week. The first few days went by so fast having to clear her room out at the nursing home, having to notify family and friends, and all of the other tasks when someone passes. 2 days after she passed we had her final viewing before she was cremated. I got her ashes back yesterday. Due to circumstances we aren't aloud to hold a public service through the funeral home and have to make arrangements privately without the funeral home's assistance.

While the initial shock I feel has worn off the residual sadness and pain is still there. I catch myself wanting to go up and check to see how she is but her room now has someone else in it. I can no longer call her and hear her voice. I feel that the feelings will come out again in full force once we do have a private family service. I'm able to "function" how I normally do but I feel as though I'm a ticking time bomb waiting to explode into an emotional mess again at any time. I feel numb, lost. shocked. I should state I do see a therapist regularly but they cancelled my appointment I had scheduled a few days after she passed where I would have gotten to talk through this. I now have to wait a few weeks.

I'm still in such disbelief over how fast time went and now she's gone. I know people say time heals all wounds, and I know I will be ok and get through this. Time is the ultimate magician.

I lost my stepdad back in February to stage 4 colon cancer and haven’t had the strength to drive his car even though it was left to me. He’s been my step dad since I was 2 and I finally put his cars title in my name this month, 5 months later. His car still smells like him which part of me is happy for and part of me really struggles with. Anyone I talk to doesn’t get this and just tells me to deep clean the seats. Does anyone else relate to this? If so did you deep clean the car to get rid of their scent? Or did you just wait for it to naturally fade? Im worried that If I clean the car out I’ll regret it.

I lost my mom in April. She was 63.

If you would have told me 5 years ago if I thought I’d lose my mom at 28 I wouldn’t have believed you.

She died of cancer. I took care of her for two weeks doing at home hospice and I’m glad I was able to do that for her. It feels like I was able to care for her the way she cared for me when I was small.

I deal with the waves of grief but I also feel a ton of guilt. We had a complicated relationship and I know logically it was perfectly ok to have boundaries but emotionally I just feel a ton of guilt now that she’s gone.

I just hope she knows, wherever she is, that I love her.

I don’t have anyone to talk to about it, so thanks in advance for reading.

Hi everyone, I just found this page and am so grateful and so sorry to see so many people who get it. I lost my ex boyfriend about a year and a half ago to brain cancer. We had been broken up for about a year when he passed, and I had no idea he was sick again. It was and still is devastating. We were together for 3 years, lived together for most of them, and I took care of him during a good portion of his cancer treatment. It was also during the height of COVID. We broke up for many reasons, but he has always stayed with me. His passing broke me, and it has been so complicated to sift through. Therapy has been a major help, but more than anything I just wish I knew someone who could relate, but it's such a specific situation, there's no one who understands. I just feel so alone in it all the time. It never goes away. Thank you everyone here for sharing your stories, it does help me feel a little less alone <3

My dad went into the hospital 4/23 with generalized weakness which required blood transfusions. Turns out, it was metastasized cancer in his abdomen. He passed away this morning. It all happened so very fast. Mom and I are both breast cancer survivors. One year for me, several for Mom

I lost my dad 2.5 years ago. He had brain cancer and was sick for 2 years I was 16 when I lost him, and I don't think I actually allowed myself to grieve him. I kept going to school etc. I'd have been fine but the news was online where my classmates (whom I didn't like) found it and my mother told my teachers. My homeroom teacher reacted by trauma dumping multiple times and other teachers treated me in ways that made me uncomfortable. I was sent to therapy but the first therapist insisted she knew what I felt and "proved" it by trauma dumping again. I still feel lost very often and cry about it frequently (when I remember that he'll never see what I achieve). He was so close with me and I feel like I'll never be understood by anyone completely after more therapists and a family grief themed camp (I did like that one). I don't think I'll ever be over it, bc every time I let myself think about it I get the feeling I should have done something. Somehow I knew he'd die the day he first went to the ER (he had fallen down and didn't remember it).

This month a year ago, my partner was diagnosed with Stage 4 NSCLC. We spent that night crying and talking about our gameplan, tried our best to feel optimistic as there are several advances in cancer treatments available. He was actually responding well to treatments. Unfortunately in July, he caught Covid19, and this turned everything downhill. And after a month, he succumbed to complications of pneumonia. I was present in all his hospitalization, treatments, and homecare. I held myself really well. People telling me how strong I was and an inspiration. I shrugged it off because I felt normal, holding on to the gameplan... to overcome cancer. How I changed dramatically when he left. All that strength, optimism, and will to live was gone. When grief catches up to me while I struggle to be functional at work and at home, I am always angry about little things or feeling resentful of anyone around me who are barely showing zest for life. How dare them be lazy or depend on others. When I see happy people, especially couples or families, I don't feel envy but just pray that God takes me in my sleep. What keeps me moving is the thought that while I am still breathing, I will just do what needs to be done. I don't care if it is something worth smiling about. Example, just this Christmas, I cooked for the family because we will have Christmas dinner. But I just looked at it as," well, we have to eat, so I'll cook since no one will." But come night time, before I sleep, when I ask myself, what would make me happy, or what would be my ultimate goal... it is to be reunited with my partner and hope that God grants me this gift.

I lost my mother 1 month ago after 6 months treating pancreatic cancer. I’m so furious and empty. I want to be alone and I don’t even have the energy to read or watch tv. I have 2 young kids and a full time job and just feel so completely and utterly alone. I know it comes in waves, but today is a low point. (Side note why is there no flair for parent loss? Seems like an important tag to miss).

I live in a different state than my parents, so as far as I knew, everything was totally normal with my dad until he had a series of strokes a few weeks ago on a Friday. At the time, they didn’t know for sure they were strokes and he refused to go to the ER until Monday. He was in bed all weekend, which is completely unlike him. I get a call from my mom saying dad is ok and doctors are saying it’s miraculous how well he is doing, but he had a series of strokes. I was shocked and upset but said to myself thank goodness he is OK, he will get on a higher dose of blood thinners, do some rehab, and he will recover fully. This could be so much worse. I was planning to come out for his birthday in a couple weeks, so family said just stick with that plan because he’ll probably be doing some rehab for the next week or so. Well, it got worse.

I get a video call from my mom a few days later, and I immediately knew something was wrong. Turns out, while doing an ultrasound looking for additional blood clots, they discovered masses on his pancreas, liver, and lungs. Oncologist said it looks like stage 4 pancreatic cancer. I was in complete and utter shock. I already knew the prognosis for pancan- essentially a death sentence. I immediately headed out there the next morning. I did research all night on treatment options and such. While driving out there, I get a call that dad had a neurological “episode,” that they could never quite figure out what it was. Essentially he was brushing his teeth and all of a sudden his face went all contorted and he fell into my brother’s arms. They had to scream for nurses to come help. After that he became much weaker and began having double vision pretty much 24/7. But still, doctors all seemed hopeful in that this is all stuff from the stroke, not the cancer. He will recover from this and then we can focus on cancer treatment. One of the docs even said with treatment they think he could have a good year or two left. And he said “good time, not shitty time.” I broke down sobbing with happiness. I had read online 3-6 months, maybe a year, so this was incredible news. I spent an extended weekend with him and things seemed stable, so I head home to work a short week and come back the next weekend. My mom texted me saying he got approved to move to the rehab facility, so I went to bed feeling so happy and positive.

The next day I get a call. Dad had another episode, this one being much more serious. We rush out there immediately and things are clearly very bad at this point. Dad is mostly unconscious and when we are able to wake him he says very little- mostly yes or no answers, I love you, short sentences, etc. His liver enzymes are elevated, he has pneumonia, and his cognitive ability is extremely diminished. Doctors seemed perplexed. We felt we were getting a lot of conflicting information from different doctors, so I finally decided to get very frank with them. My dad always said under no uncertain terms, he did not want to be a vegetable and quality of life was VERY important to him. He would have been horrified to see himself in this state. I asked the docs is this the cancer or the strokes? What are the chances of him making any significant recovery from this? Slowly doctors seemed to come to the conclusion that it was the cancer causing all of this and he will likely not become stable enough for treatment. He had already been in terrible back and neck pain during his stay, and I found out later he had been dealing with this pain for quite a while in silence. He has always had chronic back pain so he probably thought he was just getting older and it was getting worse. He also had been a lot more fatigued than usual. Once again, nothing too crazy for a 66 year old man nearing retirement. He’d also lost a significant amount of weight, but he has struggled with his weight for a long time, so he was proud of this, and I had assumed it was purposeful. Hindsight is 20/20, but it is haunting me that he was showing these signs and we didn’t realize what it was.

We held out hope for another day or two but weren’t seeing improvement and after pushing for answers, doctors were finally being more realistic with us about the situation. He would not regain anything that he would view as quality of life at this point and would not be well enough to get treatment. And even if he did, treatment would be very rough on his body and pancreatic cancer is very painful. That day he started to wince when doctors pressed on his abdomen and would moan when the nurses turned him. That’s when I knew it was time to just make him comfortable and let him go. That is what he would have wanted. We all said our last goodbyes before they started him on the morphine drip and transferred him to inpatient hospice. He never came to consciousness again after that, and passed less than 24 hours later. We watched him in stages of agonal breathing for hours and then gasping for his last few breaths, which was beyond horrifying. And believe it or not, this is the condensed version of the story. I cannot believe what my family went through over the course of 14 days. It never crossed my mind that he wouldn’t make it to his birthday which was in 2 1/2 weeks, or Halloween, or thanksgiving. I thought we would have one last holiday season with him, and that brought me comfort. But we didn’t even get that. I’m so so so angry. Angry that every little piece of hope I tried to hold onto was ripped away. Angry that he never got to enjoy retirement or the new car he had JUST finally received after ordering it 8 months ago. I’m angry that he worked his ass off his whole life, was a good person, a loyal husband, a devoted father, and incredibly generous, but none of that mattered in the end. Life is not fair. I know this is so long and maybe no one will read it. But I just needed to get it out.

I’m so sorry for anyone else who is going through this. But I’m also jealous of people who got more time than I did. I know it’s a mixed bag watching a loved one deteriorate from cancer. I’m sure we were spared from a lot of horrible things. But I can’t help but feel cheated out of at LEAST a month of being able to talk with him, hug him, spend time together, reminisce, watch movies, listen to music, and make his final days the best we could. Instead I couldn’t even have a conversation with him after the first brief visit. How do I get past this anger? The world looks so bleak right now.

Lost my wife about a month ago to ovarian cancer. We fought it for over 2-1/2 years, through the debulking surgery, the ostomy reversal surgery, the initial chemo, and three drug trials. I laid her body to rest about three weeks ago. I am exhausted and I miss her so badly. She truly was my better half, and i start my days talking with her, praying, and hoping her spirit moved on, and she is no longer in pain. I dont know how to get through the rest of my life without her, and if I will see her again when I pass away.

Hi, so I'm new. I also saw this in the affiliates from r/GriefSupport

I...I have to deal with a fucking lot. Cancer is just the shittiest thing a person can be dealt, and two of the best people in the my life. My mother and my grandmother.

My grandmother, she died...well she'll have been dead for four years after the 18th of this month. She and rather unexpectedly developed breast cancer that metastasized to her bones. Which resulted in her breaking her shoulder one fine day in May just by pulling up her recliner.

One thing led to another and she was in a hospital for a good chunk of the month and lasted as long as she did. My mom and I were heartbroken, but we strove to move on.

Through COVID and varying tribulations. We made it work, it was just us. We lived on for my Grandma's sake and I even took the initiative to try and make job hunting a little easier. I did so and started as of January this year. We even celebrated her 65th birthday by going to Outback and splitting a bloomin' onion amongst other things with the meal. It was a good night.

But towards the end of the February. We get the worst thing we expect. She also had cancer, and was rather ironic. Considering the Summer prior we invested in her having day surgery for getting a hysterectomy. She came home towards the end of March, and died in the night.

Two of the best female role models in my life, and they died by way of cancer with nothing to do but accept it.

Fuck You Cancer.

Fuck. You

I am speechless. I often find myself that way during this. I’m 24 yo and my aunt is 54 yo. She has myeloid sarcoma— in the beginning, she was diagnosed just as a rare sarcoma and was receiving the wrong chemo treatment. She was sent up to a center treatment center in NY a few months later, and is now home on hospice care. They figured out once she got to the cancer center that it was Myeloid Sarcoma, and by then she tried chemo for that and they had to stop because it was too much on her body from the previous wrong kind.

She was on clinical trial drugs for awhile, I thought that would be it. Or I put all my hope into that, I should say.

It didn’t work, and here we are. I saw her for the first time since she’d been hospitalized (back last year) last week. Where she had been, she was allowed 4 visitors on a list and it had to be her sisters and my grandma (her mother). I am happy to see her now, but extremely depressed under the circumstances. I wept myself to sleep the first night I saw her again— she is at the stage where she’s talking very softly and it’s hard. Her mouth is extremely dry all the time and is having mild trouble swallowing. The home health nurses are keeping us well informed on what that means… which makes me more depressed.

I had an apartment about 30 mins away with my fiancé, and decided I had to move into my Grandparents house to take care of my Aunt with them and my Mom/ other aunt. Not even to mention, my grandpa has Stage IV Lung cancer. He fell while taking food out to the chickens and we found it on the ct scan. He’s much better than my aunt somehow, but he just started coughing up blood everyday. He refuses treatment, so I know he is still dying but he is in better shape than my aunt somehow.

I sleep with a baby monitor right under my ear like a new mother every night to hear if she calls out or knocks something off her table we have for her. I put a wireless doorbell up as well for her to ring it like a nurse bell. I had to get up a couple of times the other night, but she slept through last night.

I feel like I’m not doing enough. I feel like there’s also nothing I can do. What can I do?

It’s all horrible. I don’t care that I don’t have my apt anymore I want to be here. Im just having a hard time coming downstairs everyday and seeing my aunt… like this. It’s painful to watch her. She is in so much pain, and is heartbroken for all of us. She is the kindest most heartwarming person you’ll ever meet. It’s a disservice to the world this is happening to her. She never had a partner or kids, she just took care of her parents. It’s my job now, and I’m ready for the task. Or, I am now but wasn’t a couple of days ago. It’s been a huge huge adjustment since she got home on hospice, but I’m like worried I have a false sense of security. I have some days I cry inconsolably and some days like today that I’m “ok?”.

I guess what I am asking for here is how do you keep being strong? I struggle with keeping this up. I fold. Everybody is so sad about this, and I keep feeling like I have to be strong. I don’t know. I’m a mess. Am I doing ok?

A year ago I joined Reddit and immediately joined the subreddit for breast cancer. The first post I commented on was from someone who had been just diagnosed. Our journeys were starting off within a day of each other and we decided to keep each other updated on what was happening and be “cancer buddies” so to speak.

Over the last year we became very close, sharing the good days, the bad days, all of those indignities that cancer and the treatment for it causes, as well as all of the victories we had along the way. We also shared lots of TikTok’s with dark humor along the way.

We had talked about meeting up this summer in one of our cities to go see a baseball game together. We were looking forward to meeting in person and finally being able to give each other a real hug instead of sending virtual hugs.

Sadly, my friend got sick a couple of weeks ago and her body wasn’t strong enough to fight off the infection and she passed away.

She was a fantastic human being; smart, kind, funny and a fiercely loyal friend. I wish everyone could have known her. She was in my life for just under a year, but she has profoundly left her mark in my heart and I’m going to miss her friendship terribly.

I miss my boyfriend so much. I miss him laying next to me in bed. I miss the cuddles, hugs, and kisses. I miss the deep conversations. I miss the way he was able to calm me unlike anyone else. I miss feeling like I could be my complete and total self around him. I miss letting my guard down. I miss taking care of him. I miss silly arguments. I miss holding his hand. I miss my soulmate. I fucking hate cancer. He was only 19. God fucking dammit all.

February 1st was the 6th anniversary of my Dad, and it's tough because I have two friends who have their anniversaries for beating cancer this month. I want to support them, but when I hear them talk about it I get sad and want to leave. Last night, I was hanging out with one of my friends, and we went to the grocery store. I didn't realize until we got to the bakery that they were getting a cake for their anniversary, and I kind of shut down. They didn't notice but I still feel bad that I have so much trouble being happy when they want to celebrate.

I'm a 43M and fucking cancer has taken so much from me. My childhood, my right testicle, my little sister and now my amazing wife. But fuck this it'll never get my soul or my love. So fuck you cancer I will always win you're my bitch! Sorry about the language... just needed to vent, thanks.

Gift link: More and More, I Talk to the Dead

I just want to send her a meme that made me think of her.

Some people have said, “you can still do that,” but it hurts even more knowing that it would be floating in the digital void, never to be opened, seen, laughed at over a glass of wine later.

We’re just starting out here, but this is intended to be a supportive community for folks grieving loved ones lost to cancer. Feel free to vent, share a story, ask for help, or share resources.

Lots of love to you all as we navigate this journey together.