It’s coming up on two years since losing my mom and it’s hitting me so hard. I know I was upset last year but I can’t really remember if it was to this extent. I’ve been so emotional these last few weeks, and can’t even keep myself together when I think about it. We didn’t have the best relationship and she wasn’t always the best person but I feel like that’s made losing her more difficult because I wish things had been better. Today I’m just having one of those days were the only thing I can think is “oh my god she’s actually gone” and its been several months since I’ve felt like this.

My partner and best friend passed away a week a go today.

I woke up at 3:30 because he was moving around quite a bit, getting up and down from the bed. I noticed he was breathing pretty heavy and asked if he was okay. He said he was fine and it was probably just pneumonia creeping up. I offered to take him to the hospital and he said that we would go to urgent care later. I leave it alone for a little while, about 20 minutes later I urge him again that we should go the ER because he is still breathing rather heavy. He again disagrees, we go back and forth for about 1.5 hours and he finally agrees that we should go the hospital. I get up and put some clothes on. He starts to complain that he is getting lightheaded and faint, I start panicking and call the ambulance.

Ambulance shows up about 15 minutes later, they walk in and ask a couple questions and then load him up. They sit in the driveway about 10 minutes and then head to the hospital. We get to the hospital and they immediately rush him to the back and I get pushed to the waiting room.

A nurse comes out about 15 minutes later and ask if he has any history of heart and lung issues, not that I know of he doesn’t. Another 25 minutes go by and she waves me into the back, but takes me to a private room where the doctor is. My stomach drops, I know what this means. The doctor says that he had an irregular heartbeat and they tried to shock it to get it back to normal but was unable to get the heart restarted and after 30 minutes of CPR he had passed away.

My entire world just crashed, I broke down immediately. The guilt ran through every inch of my body. Why in the world would I just sit there and listen to my partner struggle to breathe and ask his permission to get him help? He never once complained about any chest pain. Why not just immediately call the ambulance? How in that entire 1.5 hours did I not look up what the symptoms are. I don’t even remember us sitting there that long but I guess we did. How did I not notice the symptoms leading up to that day, the exhaustion and headache, sore throat? I figured it was just a cold during the winter.

I’ve started back counseling but I don’t know how I’ll ever forgive myself for this nor do I think I deserve to. He should have still been here, we had so much time to figure it out and get him help, but I did nothing. I asked the doctor if it would have mattered if I got him that earlier and he said it wouldn’t have, but I feel like he was just sparing my feelings. I am destroyed, I took him away from everybody. I know I didn’t kill him, but I didn’t save him either.

I haven’t explained anything on my sister death in my other posts about her. But one thing that eats me alive is I could’ve saved her. The day it happened, hours before she died. She asked to go to the hospital because she felt like something was wrong..but I didn’t believe her. I didn’t believe her because she used to cry wolf all the time to get out of things. She gave up on asking and went to bed..later that day my oldest sister went to check on her but it was too late. I got the call when I was at the gym.

It kills me…what if I just believed her ? I could’ve taken her in. I could’ve saved her.

Every day I live with that guilt.

Today..feb 2nd is her birthday. My sisters birthday. This is our first time celebrating it without her and I don’t know what to do. I wanna scream, cry, crash out. But i can’t. I physically can’t. After a while of grief I’m just numb. She would’ve been 21:))

I miss you so much sissy. Happy birthday !

My mom died 12 years ago on February 4th (leukemia). I (24F) have always had a hard time finding a way to commemorate her on this day. I no longer live in the same town as her gravesite. I’m looking for ideas of ways to celebrate and feel close to her on this day, even while being far away from her grave and my family. Right now it feels important for me to do something to honor her and feel closer to her on this day.

Dad,

It’s been a long time since you left, but it still feels like yesterday. I miss your voice, your face, and the way you made everything feel okay. There’s an emptiness that never truly goes away, no matter how much time passes.

Yesterday, I had a dream where you told me to sleep, and I said, "Okay, Dad." Then you said goodbye and never came back. I woke up feeling shattered, like I lost you all over again. Maybe it was just a dream, but it felt so real. And now, I can’t help but wonder—was that your way of telling me to let go? To move forward? But how can I, when I still miss you so much?

Life has been tough without you. I feel older now, like the years are catching up to me faster than I expected. Some days, I wonder if I’m even making you proud. I try to hold onto our memories, to the things you taught me, but sometimes, it feels like they’re slipping away. I don’t want to forget you. I don’t want the world to move on like you were never here.

If you can hear me somehow, just know that I still love you. I still miss you. And no matter how much time passes, you’ll always be my dad.

Posted this in another sub too but wanna post it here too in case no one responds to that one

My brother is 4 and last year in November our dog was put to sleep and passed away at 9 years old due to an undetected illness, this was his first proper experience with death so at first we didn't actually tell him, we waited a few days until he noticed her absence and asked about it, when he did we explained to him that she had gotten sick and went to heaven to be with the girls (the girls are our older twin sisters who were stillborn in 2003) and he pretty much just accepted this, occasionally spoke about her, asked to see pictures and sometimes asks to see and hold her urn which is kept in my room.

Within the past few weeks though he seems to have formed an obsession with talking about death, things like:

• I was on facetime with my best friend, at one point in the call he had my phone and was talking to her, he randomly went "Bebe, did you know that people do die????" To which me and my best friend kinda just laughed at it because it was so unexpected but then we agreed with him that people do in fact die sometimes.

• Him bringing up the dog again, he'd ask to see pictures and then he'd start saying "Tia was sick, Tia did die" but with this one when we agree that she did die he gets kind of defensive? Like he'll claim she DIDN'T die and that she's just sick.

• if we go past a cemetery he'll point it out and say that the people in there died, usually then also saying that they were all sick and that's why they died.

• my hamster also died last year in September but with that he didn't really bring him up until AFTER the dog had died and he formed this thing for talking about death, he doesn't talk about the hamster as much as the dog but he still occasionally mentions that "Kevin was sick, Kevin did die"

So like... Is it normal for him to be talking about death so much? because he never really brought it up until the dog died

Bapu

It's difficult. With all the responsibilities. It's 11 months since you left and I am still mourning. What could have I done more to lengthen your life. Every day is a battle. Please come in my dreams. I want to see you, talk to you, hear from you. Guide me please. Missing you very much. Doing things as you would have done. And I wish you get your eternal peace. I wish you no pain. I wish you peaceful light.

I’m struggling with bitterness and resentment. For context : My dad died on my 30th birthday this past April. He was only 47, he battled colon cancer for almost 7 years. The end was brutal and I was his caregiver, along with my grandparents. I have 3 kids under 6. It was such a difficult time, caring for him and my kids and trying to hold myself together as both a mother and daughter. And watching my grandparents struggle to accept their son dying.

My husband was not very supportive to me during this time, in my opinion. He struggles with words and had never experienced anything like it, so I imagine he just didn’t know what to say or do. He did manage the kids when I needed to be there for my dad, but beyond that just not much else. I felt I was facing it alone and that really broke my heart. He loved my dad too, but he just didn’t know how to show up as things declined. Maybe it sounds like I expected too much, or you could say “should’ve told him how to help me” but honestly, I was so overwhelmed and struggling I couldn’t even catch enough breath to do that. The night of my dads funeral, I was so exhausted from planning and executing the celebration of life, and I put the children to bed while he stayed up and got drunk with friends and I could hear them laughing. Things like that just made me feel more isolated.

His mom had a stroke this week and they found she has terminal cancer - there are tumors in her brain, lungs and bone. It was so sudden and shocking, we’re all devastated. I’ve been holding down the fort at home while he flew out of state to be with her. I’m really struggling to be emotionally present for him because I feel this bitterness. I check in on him and talk to him all day, I sent heartfelt messages to his mother, posted pictures of her in solidarity for prayers while she fights this tough and unfair battle. But something in me feels angry and preventing me from showing up in the fullest capacity ❤️‍🩹

I’m not sure how to work through those feelings and I’m afraid of this bitterness growing as time goes on…. Thanks for reading this rant

He was alone

My (32) husband (41) of 7 years died two weeks ago today and I struggle every single day with the guilt and regret of that night. He was having trouble breathing, no real chest pain but clearly heaving breathing. I asked to take him to the hospital and he said he was fine, another 20 minutes go by and I insist that we head to the ER because he doesn’t sound good.

He starts looking really bad and says “maybe we should call an ambulance”. I have never had to call an ambulance before, I called 911 and the ambulance shows up in 15 minutes. They walk in and ask a couple questions and then get him loaded up.

This is the part where I will hate myself for the rest of my life. I walked back inside and grabbed the keys and then walked out to the car. The ambulance was still there and the guy got out and said they are heading to _____ hospital. I never got in the ambulance, I have no idea why. To be honest I didn’t know if I could even ride, I didn’t ask and they didn’t offer. I have played this back in my head every single hour of every single day since he died. WHY DID I NOT GET IN THE AMBULANCE?!?

I wait a couple of minutes and then go to the hospital, I couldn’t have arrived more than 5-10 minutes after the ambulance. I walk up to the check in and tell them I’m there to see “his name”. They told me I couldn’t go back right now because they are getting him set up. I say okay and go sit down, 20 minutes go by and a nurse walks out and starts asking me a bunch of questions about if he had heart or lung issues, if he had any family with heart or lung issues, also asking basic questions like I was checking him in. 20 more minutes go by and the nurse comes back out and ask me to follow her to a small private room, I know at this point it has to be bad. The doctor walks over and tells me that they tried to defibrillate and give him some kind of medicine and then attempted CPR for 30 minutes and was unsuccessful, he had passed away.

He died alone, his partner that he cared for deeply and would do absolutely anything for failed to be there when it mattered the most. I feel absolutely gutted, I truly didn’t realize how bad the situation was. I feel like if I was in the ambulance they would have let me go into his room when we arrived at the ER instead of me having to deal with the check in.

From the timeline it looks like he would have been at the hospital about 20 minutes before he went into cardiac arrest and died. He was having a heart attack.

I hate myself every single day for not getting in the ambulance, I hate to think about how terrified he was to be there alone. I hate wondering about how we never got to say our goodbyes and tell him how much I really appreciated and loved him and how he has been my best friend and the love of my life for the past 7 years. I hate thinking that he probably thought I abandoned him, he never saw me show up at the hospital or get in the ambulance. I wonder what his last thoughts were before he died, “Where is my partner?”. This is the single biggest regret in my life and I hate myself every single time I think about it.

This weekend makes 1 year since my dad has passed. My mom wanted to do a “ceremony” where we write a note to him and tape it to a balloon and release the balloon. I hate the idea of releasing balloons (I know how bad it is for the environment.) Does anyone have any other ideas/suggestions?

And I'm glad. Living misreably is the best way to honor those I can't live without. Being happy feels like a crime.

Hello, I‘m not sure if this is the right place to post, but I‘ve been experiencing anticipatory grief for my mom who is here and still fairly healthy and it’s hard. Let me rewind a little bit, yesterday I was having lunch with her and she brought up how she wants to get matching tattoos with my sister and I to have as a connection forever. Something just clicked in my head and it hit me that one day my mom won’t be here anymore. I knew the idea of losing her would be hard for me, but I just ignored thinking about it but now I’m feeling all these emotions and I can’t ignore it anymore.

My mom is fairly healthy. She has Lupus and I know that will eventually end her, but with meds she has been ok health wise. Still I‘m realistic and I know there will be day I won’t have her in my life anymore and that’s a day I dread a lot. Plus, what also terrifies me also is if when loved ones are gone if we don’t get to see them again. I’m hopeful we do, but the unknown is too much. My mom is my best friend. We have always been super close and we have a lot in common. We have nicknames and inside jokes. She’s a great human overall.

I don’t know how to handle these feelings and I need to get them out somewhere and I need to find some way to cope with them. I think once I’m married I’m gonna go see a counselor. Thank you for letting me get this out.

My late bf and I loved The Weeknd. Years before he accidentally overdosed, he told me he really resonated with some of his lyrics. Like The Weeknd, he was also from an Ethiopian background. “Die For You” was always our song. In old texts he said we’ll slow dance to it one day. The Weeknd just dropped a new album - he’s one of my favorite artists, yet I can’t get myself to listen it. I can’t believe he’s not alive to hear it. I skip all the old songs. I can’t avoid so many because of the radio and sometimes I just ignore it but other times I break down. It played other day in the grocery store and I lost it. I want to enjoy the music again and wish it wasn’t so heavy. Especially his older songs that talk about substance abuse. I miss him so much.

Allowing loss to be unaffected. Grief can be many things right,,, what happens when you begin being haunted by remembering the stuff you shut out.

I gave birth to my son at 22 weeks. He was stillborn. My partner has a daughter from a previous relationship. He's doing his best to support me, tries to be understanding but I feel like he'll never be able to fully understand the pain I'm going through right now. I really want to be a mother. I want to have my own baby to take care of. I don't want to just be a stepmom. He'll say things like "you're a great stepmom, look at how you treat my daughter". I don't know how to interact with anyone right now, I just want to be left alone. I don't want to parent her while trying to grieve. I love her so much but it’s not the same… I don't know what to do. I feel hopeless, I was finally going to have my own family, since I don’t have parents. I'm scared I'll start resenting my partner because he gets to be a parent. I already feel upset at him for teaching my stepdaughter the word for mum in my language, because now even if I have more children, they won’t be the first to call me that and I know it’s silly; it’s just a word. I'm just so scared I'll never make it out of this, I just keep pushing everyone away and it feels better that way than to try to talk to anyone. We’re going to have lots of people visiting soon and I don’t want to talk to anyone, would I be crazy if I booked a hotel for those days or locked myself up in the bedroom?

I lost my dad 5 months ago, he left suddenly, so it was a hard blow for everyone in the family. I spend the last 4 months just crying, didn't go out or nothing (only to go to the cemetery), i just lay in my bed crying every day.

This month I felt like i was ready to go out with my friends, but it was terrible. The hangout itself wasn't bad but I just felt the difference between their life's and mine.

Hearing all the things they did in the last few months while i couldn't get into the conversation because well... No one wants to hear about how awful your life has been, it justs kills the mood lol.

I felt out of place, they were talking about new music or new games coming and i couldn't be part of the conversation because I don't have the energy to look or even care about those types of things, it almost felt funny hearing how one friend fought with his girlfriend or something, i thought "it must be nice having that ordinary of a problem".

I also really felt envious of them, how their life just goes on, how they entered college and what plans they have coming, thinking if in another dimension (lol) I'm still with my dad, going to college as well and experience all the good things they did this year.

It really was a hard time, i struggled a lot with finding good friends that im comfortable with, so that experience also brought bad memories of feeling left out, so i just made up an excuse to go and cried all night lol. (Also it was in a friends house and it was so gut wrenching hearing her talk to her dad and say "daddy")

I dont know when im gonna be able to hangout with frienda and actually enjoy it, but for now im gonna make all the excuses possibles to deny future hangouts in big groups.

An anonymous one

I lost someone who was special to me a few months ago suddenly. He was a special friend. We are more like lovers but didn’t define the relationship. We haven’t met each other’s family and friends. It was just us who knows about us, in our own little world for 9 months. Honestly, I only found out about his passing when I saw someone’s post about it on Facebook. I had decided to stalk his profile because I assumed he was ignoring me after not responding to my messages for a few days. Turns out, he really did “ghost” me.

I went to his funeral but couldn’t bring myself to go inside. Everything felt like a blur, and I didn’t want my last memory of him to be of him lying there lifeless. I didn’t know how to process my emotions or how to cope with the situation. On top of that, I didn’t know anyone from his side. I can’t shake the guilt I feel about this part. Is he going to be mad at me for this?

I feel so lost and empty going through this grief. I even asked if it is even valid to grieve him like I just lost a partner/husband. A part of me died when he died. Everyday is a struggle. Every time I wake up, first thought that comes to my mind “damn, he really died.” No more texts, and calls from him. I’ve been crying everyday ever since. I’ve talked to some friends about this, they couldn’t understand why I was feeling this way when he wasn’t even my boyfriend.

I’ve read about “disenfranchised grief” where grief that is not acknowledged, socially supported, not accepted or publicly mourned

Is there anyone who is going through the same? How did you cope up?

Looking for advice... I (26F) lost my beautiful mother (56F) last May. I miss her every single day. I wear her ring, I visit her grave weekly...I'm forever grieving. Like most of us in our grief journey, I've had some incredible friends show up for me and others who have fallen short. I have been having difficulty feeling connected to one friend in particular. Three weeks after my mom passed, she was texting me about her friend drama as if nothing ever happened. Two months after my mom passed when I tried to explain I needed time and space, she just replied with "I'm worried because I don't want to lose our friendship." Three months after she passed, she kept pressuring me to hangout so we could "catch up" when I know she didn't want to hear about how I sat at my mother's grave every single week weeping, but rather talk about how her mom is helping her plan her wedding (Something I will never have myself because, well, my mom is gone forever). You guys get the picture. My grief has felt dismissed each time I tried to discuss it, and my frustration has gradually turned into indifference. For the past two months, she now texts me every single week with the same conversational questions (How are you? How's work? How's your boyfriend?) on an endless loop. I mean, nothing at work or in my relationship changes that dramatically in 7 days! It feels superficial and almost clinical. I simply don't have the time or energy to entertain her. I can't do this loop forever. I know I need to say something, explain to her what I'm feeling and thinking. I'm just struggling to find the words. If anyone can please help guide me...

I sent an orchid to my sister-in-law who is in the hospital with terminal lung cancer. My brother, her husband, texted me that her body is shutting down, and that it’s only a matter of time. She’s heavily sedated, so even if the flower arrives before she dies, she won’t see it. It will probably be thrown away.

I lost my baby dog to cancer two years ago next week. I have always been a huge dog lover and always had a dog in my life. This pain and the amount of grief I experienced with his death have permanently scarred me, though. It’s so bad that I have noticed I can’t even bring myself to love another dog.

The sharp sting got easier but the void and hole in my heart are ever present. Not even sure why I am sharing this, other than I never expected myself to feel so shut down to loving another dog again. I am afraid of losing another dog. He was my baby.

My dad James D Land Was murdered 3 days ago by Jason Lee Strain. He was Shot in the back while getting a pop from a vending machine (I can assure you it was a mountain dew). The problem I guess in my mind being no one around here knows who Jason Strain is Or why he would kill my dad. The woman my dad was with has been missing for 3 days. Jason strain is from a whole different state and got caught very quickly. I guess I need closure of some kind in a small town that's hard to come by. There's lots I wish I said to my dad. He was a good man and all he ever did was brag to people about me and my siblings his body was covered with tattoos of our names all of his social media profiles filled with pictures of us. And yet I hadn't talked to him in at least a month. I guess I need advice on how to manage the feelings I'm having.

When you're the nurse in the family, you become a "professional " before they let you sit at the adults table at Thanksgiving. When you're the nurse in the family, people who changed your diapers look to you for reassurance and advice in the hardest moments of their lives. When you're the nurse in the family, you carry a thousand little burdens for your family. That the news they shared is so much worse than they know. That your loved one has less time than they want. You decide how much of the truth to give them. "She is comfortable, she's not in pain." "He passed quickly and didn't suffer." "Things will be fine." You decide when to tell them the truth. "It's time for hoapice." "He's not going to make it to Christmas." "It's time to come home."

When you're the nurse in the family, you have a backstage pass to the hard stuff. To the death beds. When you're the nurse in the family you will forever treasure and grieve a thousand little moments that mean the world to you, and that you will never tell a soul. The way he worried about leaving behind his wife. The way you held her hand when she couldn't breathe. The look in their eyes when you asked if they were ready to go.

Watching someone die is like watching someone give birth. It is painful intimate, and incredibly special. But unlike a birth, when it is over the patient needs no more care. It is the attendant who needs to collapse in exhaustion. Who needs to be cared for. Not just to be told that you're thankful, because you could not have done what they did. (You could have, but they were happy to carry that burden for you.) Let them sleep, care for them. Recognize that they held it together and stayed strong for as long as they needed to. And now they might need to fall apart.

Hi everyone, my dad passed two years ago and I’ve slowly been processing everything. I‘e processed a lot, and life has been okay lately.

Now, any time something new and exciting happens in my life, I have a period of grief a couple weeks after this. It took me a while to notice, but I just moved places and love it!! However, I got home from work excited to be in my new space, only to break down sobbing. I saw a cribbage board ad and it reminded me of him. I'd sell everything I own to be sitting here playing cribbage with my dad, us smack talking each other the whole time. I never knew that would be our last game. I wish I would have let him win, he was not the sharp person he normally was once he got sick. I could finally beat him though. Bittersweet, but mainly bitter.

This is just my life now after losing someone. I've found its the passing of time that has been hardest for me in grief. My life changing is just a reminder that he is gone. Yes most things in life change, and that can be a great thing! But this doesn't change. Ever. It is unfortunately, my only constant.

I've found myself subconsciously avoiding big changes (especially good ones) to avoid this “passage of time” and the weird juxtaposition of these concepts. What do you guys do to cope with this? Does it get easier? Anyone relate?

I just really need people to know how good my Dad was.

He cared about others every single day of his life. Looking back, I wish he had cared for himself more. He was trying. I need to remember that now that so many days make me feel like throwing up my hands. I miss him so much. We were incredibly close. I find myself - as I have for years now - shaking my food before I eat it just like he did. How insane is it that eating makes me want to cry?! But even that simple act makes me think of him. He served in his church for many years. He always tried to care for people who felt left out.

A few months before he died, I was given the incredible honor of being named to my local Chamber of Commerce 40 Under 40 group. I was going to be out of town for the reception, so I asked Dad to drive up and receive my award. He forgot about it because he had agreed to pick someone up from the airport. I was mad at him for a bit, but I couldn't stay mad at him. He just wanted to help others. But - as we all know - there are always more hurts than we can possibly fix. I think he just wanted to help everyone he met and sometimes he just lost track of it all. Our world is so messed up. I just can't deal with it sometimes. I used to call Dad when I needed to talk.

He was a world-class engineer, too. He graduated from Purdue and worked at Boeing, then what became Honeywell Aerospace. His project was mentioned by David Cote to the quarterly report on Wall Street when he led a project that took him to the Paris Air Show.

He was a great runner in high school and even ran cross country his first semester at Purdue. He ran a marathon in under 4 hours. Later in life, he struggled with weight. His diabetes ended up taking his life. But he was riding his bike and exercising. He was trying.

I share my Dad's first name as my middle name. I have many similarities with him. I want to remember him, but all the similarities also just hurt so much.

I just really miss him. I wish you all could have met him. He'd have been your friend. We all need those these days. I just can't really fathom the rest of my life without him. Not sure what to do.

My faith is core to my life. I make mistakes like anyone. I'm not perfect. I feel like the writer of so many Psalms asking why things have to be so bad. Why do bad people succeed and good people die young and go poor? I don't know. I'd like to find a way to write or help others who are grieving. I work at a non-profit and find a great deal of reward through my work. It all just feels so small now, though.

I just really miss my Dad.