I (17f) don’t want this to come off as insensitive at all (not a strong start with the flair 😭), but I just need help. Lemme start off with the facts. My dad has cheated on my mom countless times from the day they got married 22 years ago. They’ve fought every single day of their marriage and when my dad is abroad every month they continue to fight over the phone. They are the most incompatible people I’ve ever seen, an alcoholic who was barely involved in his kids lives and a woman who spent every second of her life raising us. Everytime he’s back home my mum goes from the happy energetic woman she is to constantly being depressed and angry. She knows he would never leave us without money even if they got divorced, hes done everything to make sure we live comfortably. So I just don’t understand why they’re together. She tells me that it’s like she’s never had a partner, like she’s always been alone and she’s been okay alone. Like he deceived her and the moment they got married he was a completely different person. I don’t want her to be alone of course I don’t I want the best for her but being with him can’t possibly be the answer? She tells me it’s like the marriage ended a long time ago like she’s completely detached herself from it but she always says this and next thing I know they’re having breakfast together (the 1 hour they spend not screaming at each other). I want her to be happy and I know she’d be happiest without him. Ever since we moved away and she would go months without seeing him she’s constantly happy and feels like her own person, then the moment he lands here it’s like she completely switches up. I mean I love my father he’s done so much for us but everytime he’s home the world just flips around. I think of last month as my 11 year old brother was crying in my arms after he found photos of my dad cheating (me and my older brother have always known but we protected it from him) and I feel disgusted knowing the kind of pain he brings. Or when we had to stay in a hotel because he was so drunk he started beating my older brother. I seriously just am so sick of my mum in such pain the moment he steps foot home and I want it to be over. I know she’s afraid she kept telling me that how can she restart at 55 or leave a whole life behind but there’s nothing to be left behind now. Back when we lived in our home country before we moved here 5 years ago she was always depressed because of him it’s like we came here and she’s so much happier cuz he’s away half the time. I just don’t know what to tell her that’ll convince her this needs to be over because I know I can’t say smth like this to my dad he’ll immeditaly blow up at me we just don’t have that kind of relationship the only thing he knows about me is my birthday. I think this turned out to just be a long rant but I really do need advice I want my younger brother to grow up shielded from more of this pain, I want my mother to finally be happy and I just want to have her back. I don’t know if this is just me being selfish but everytime he comes home I miss her cuz she’s constantly out of the house avoiding him. This whole post is really messy I know I’m just so done. She always laughs with me at the idea that she loses weight and leaves my dad and finds a real partner but says that’s just a dream that’ll never happen. NO!!! PLEASE. Idk do I seem really stupid here can I actually say anything that’ll convince her.

Those who wanted to try but walked away because you weren’t valued or wanted - how did you do it and how do you feel now?

You can look at my post history. I don’t feel valued or wanted in my husband’s life. Everything I do seems like the wrong thing. He doesn’t see me as a good person or someone who adds to his life. He’s turned to other people. I don’t want to be here anymore and I am sick of my brain and heart going to the “maybe one day he will see me” or “maybe he doesn’t realize that I’m here” mentality.

I’m the one who initiated change and a separation, so I’m the one who left the house. Although we’ve had many conversations about how I felt lonely, unseen, and like I was losing myself due to codependency, his perspective is the complete opposite.

He sees me as narcissistic because I made his problems about me. I couldn’t provide unlimited support and love, but he doesn’t understand that it was a two-way street.

It’s so hard for me to recon with the idea that he doesn’t understand the sacrifice and guilt I’ve held, but that’s also a reminder as to why it was important to leave.

Accepting this is challenging. Did you face something similar? How did you move through it?

I'll make this as short as possible. My divorce finalized on December 22nd of this last year. We mediated everything and part of the parenting plan was that my ex-wife got to claim our kids on the taxes each year. I was the only spouse working for the past 10 years and it is a low six-figure job.

Fast forward to yesterday when I went to file my taxes. I didn't know that your filing status is determined by what you are on the very last day of 2024. Since I can't claim my children, and I was legally divorced for 9 days, I have to file as SINGLE.

I withheld taxes all year at my job because I was going to claim my children as I do every year. When I got to the end of the filing process, I was told that I owe $13,000 to the IRS. All because I was single on the last day of the year, barely over a week after the divorce finalized.

How can this possibly be right?! Has anyone else been in this situation before, and is there any way I can explain my situation to the IRS to get some kind of relief?

I am financially spent from the divorce already as it is, and now this gets dropped on my lap. I'm absolutely devastated and I don't know what to do.

I labeled this as a rant primarily because I’m not convinced I have the courage to leave. This ended up being a lot longer than I meant, so the point of this is the second-to-last paragraph if you want to skip ahead.

I (mid-30sM) have been married to my wife (mid-30sF) for almost 10 years, together for even longer. We have a 3 yo daughter, and just bought a house in the past year. Both of our parents live in the area as we’re both from here. I work full-time in the medical field and she is a SAHM (which I acknowledge is essentially a full-time and a half job that you never get to leave and am eternally grateful that she does for our family).

Our marriage was never perfect, but we were pretty happy for a while. We had a rough patch right after we got married where I wasn’t sure about things, but we worked through it.

She’s supported me (morally and domestically, not so much financially) through my graduate schooling, and through some rapid job changes in the beginning of my career for which I am grateful for.

My wife has always struggled with low self-esteem and depression. She has profound dyslexia and no real career goals, which has lead to a lot of problems with feelings of low self-worth. But she has categorically refused therapy, medication, or really any sort of intervention. She has always been very emotionally volatile and explosive, which has been very difficult for me to manage with during confrontations. After our daughter was born she went through severe postpartum depression and these issues became exponentially more intense. She often lashes out when she gets frustrated or overwhelmed, and her go to statement are of the sentiment of that no one cares about her, that she has to do everything, and that she has no support despite the fact that myself, and both of our parents have been running ourselves ragged trying to do just that.

It feels like every other day she’s breaking down saying how exhausted she is and how she just to rest, and how she regrets becoming a mother and I’m at a loss because I’m just as exhausted and sleep deprived (3 year sleep regression). I try to take our daughter out of the house on my days off so she can have rest days and I’m trying to do more and more around the house but it just never feels like enough.

When she gets flustered or frustrated, she usually demands “advice“ from me (meaning some magic solution) and when I don’t have the answer, she tells me I am no help. And when I do have an answer, it’s never the right answer. when we talk about parenting, she has on more than one occasion, accuse me of being a bad father, especially when it comes to talking about things like consequences when I suggest things like timeouts.

We came close to divorcing when the fighting became intense a couple years ago, and we tried marriage counseling. The therapist wasn’t a good fit, but rather than trying a different therapist my wife decided that it was just all a waste of time and has been opposed to the idea of it ever since.

Ever since, we’ll go through periods of time where things will be calm and amicable, but then we’ll go through a week of fighting the. It will get swept under the rug; rinse and repeat.

As far as intimacy, there is virtually none. We have sex maybe once every 5 or 6 months. She’s never been much for touch (which is unfortunately my love language) but now she’s so touched out from our daughter she can’t stand for me to touch her the majority of the time (which I know isn’t her fault). I’m so touched starved.

I acknowledge I’m not the easiest person to live with. I struggle with anxiety and depression. I get flustered. But I’m going to therapy. I’m on antidepressants. I see my primary care physician. When I fight, I try to be too analytical, and when that doesn’t work I get sarcastic and then I start getting really venomous. I don’t like this part of me.

More recently we’ve started fighting in front of our daughter, which is what really made me realize how bad things were.

I don’t hate my wife. I love her as the mother of my daughter, as a member of my family, and as someone who has given me many great years. But as a romantic partner and someone I want to spend the rest of my life with, I just don’t see it anymore… at this point, I am just tired of being exhausted and miserable, I am worried about what being exposed to this sort of turmoil could do to our daughter.

If we do split, I’ve already made up my mind that I want her to have the house and the nicer car, which I will continue to make payments on as my means of spousal/child support. I’m even willing to pay more than I’m legally obligated to because I know that I can and I want to ensure that my daughter continues to have a stable, healthy home.

I was initially afraid that my time with my daughter would be limited, but thankfully, after consulting a divorce attorney, I found that my home state emphasizes equal time between parents.

My biggest worry, and I guess the main point of this rant is that my biggest fear is my wife. I like to believe that she would be able to handle separation/divorce, but I am scared that either her mental health would deteriorate, or she would become malicious during the process and intentionally try to arm me and or my relationship with my daughter. I’m just not sure what I can do to protect myself and my relationship with my daughter, because I frankly cannot imagine my life without her in it.

Thank you for reading. I know I may have sounded unduly harsh towards my wife in this post, and I really didn’t mean to. Part of the ranting I suppose. Despite her frustration and her struggles, she is a very good mother and has done wonderful with her daughter.

My wife and I got married in Las Vegas, lived together for 11 years in Massachusetts, separated, and now she has lived in Georgia for the last 8 years, and I live in California. I am looking to do a DIY divorce (hopefully) and wonder where I should start.

...and go.

Hey everyone,
I’m struggling to make sense of where I am right now and could really use some perspective. Here’s my story:

In 2024, my partner and I finalized a mutual, amicable divorce after 16 years together. We didn’t have kids, and we parted as friends. I wanted to preserve the good memories we shared, so to cope, I threw myself into work, thinking staying busy would help me move forward. At the time, it felt like a victory—no drama, no mess.

Fast-forward to 2025, and I’m completely burned out. I ignored the signs of exhaustion, convincing myself that quitting my job would be “too much change.” Now, I’m mentally drained—my personality feels different. I’m quick to anger, cry randomly, and stress over the smallest things. I realize now I never gave myself time to mourn the end of my marriage.

Financially, I’m secure: I could sustain myself for 2+ years without work, have no debt, and no home tying me down. Yet, fear keeps me paralyzed. My mind spins worst-case scenarios: “What if I quit and can’t find another job?” “Will people see me as a failure?” Even though I’m a migrant in the UK with nothing (and no one, aside from distant family) holding me here, loneliness grows daily.

Therapy terrifies me. I’m scared to confront the darkest parts of my past, worried it’ll make things worse. My family is supportive but exhausted by my indecisiveness. Work has become unbearable—12-hour days, constant stress—yet I cling to it out of fear.

I feel stuck:

• Should I quit my job and take time to heal, even though fear screams “NO”?
• How do I push past the stigma of therapy?
• How do I rebuild myself when even small decisions feel impossible?

Has anyone navigated burnout or a life reset after a major loss? How did you quiet the “what-ifs”? Any advice on taking the first step when fear feels suffocating?

My ex wife is attempting to sue me for alimony. She always worked through our marriage on and off and I was in the same boat but I did make double of her income. Can she actually win? Plus the child support I would have to give her as well I would be broke. She has a really great paying job now. And almost makes as much as me.

My ex left about 1 year ago, following his very sudden mental health crisis/affair/abandonment/asshole behavior, etc. It was awful. My parents and brother were extremely supportive In all ways they could be. The divorce process has been challenging due to his mental health issues, losing his job, coming back to reconcile once, getting together with the affair partner, it’s been a lot. Despite all of it and all my anger, I am committed to not making this ugly for the sake of our children . I’m sure I’ve left money on the table as a result and our attempts at settling this outside of court have been hard. I’ve been working my butt off, picking up a second job, focusing on my kids needs, trying to take care of myself in ways I havent before, generally just trying to heal from this hellish year. My family has grown tired and perceive my actions as allowing my ex to get away with too much. Any time I express my frustrations with the divorce process I get an “I told you so” response or worse, their anger towards me for handling things differently than they think I should. I know they can’t possibly understand my position fully as none of them have gone through an anything like this but I can’t help but feel baffled that they can’t see how hurtful their responses are. I decided I’ll stop sharing updates with them until the divorce is done to try and stop the bleed but I am just depressed this is where our relationship is now. I live in a different state with three young kids and I have friends but am effectively doing this alone. I don’t want to have a pity party here and I know I can only control myself and my actions but good lord, I really didn’t expect this from them and I’m sad. Anyone else have this kind of experience with family?

A Marriage of Disillusionment

Two years ago, I married a man I thought I could build a future with. I was 23, and he was 26. In the beginning, we were happy, but not entirely comfortable—we lived with his parents, which made things difficult. His father, in particular, was unbearable, constantly criticizing me for not cleaning the house enough or not taking care of his son the way he expected.

Before we got married, my husband had assured me that he had a degree and that we would both continue our studies in Canada. That dream was a major reason why I agreed to marry him. However, as time passed, I realized that he didn’t have the financial means to make that plan a reality. Eventually, I took matters into my own hands, applied as the principal applicant for immigration to Canada, and successfully received a nomination. Now, I am the one bringing him along.

Recently, he promised to pay $15,000 for my studies, but I don’t trust him. I fear that if I remove him from the Express Entry application, he might react negatively, yet I also feel like I’m wasting my time with him. Unlike me, he has no real ambition—he wakes up at 2 PM, spends his day playing video games, eats out frequently, and sleeps at 3 AM. His life revolves around gaming and restaurants.

To be fair, he treats me well, but when it comes to finances, he is unreliable. He refuses to spend on anything expensive or important but never hesitates to pay for food and dining out. Now, I find myself wondering: do I really need him? I have the funds, the opportunities, and the ability to build a life on my own. Maybe it’s time to move forward—alone. What should i do ?

Got married less than a year ago. My husband and i discussed that i would stay at home and take care of kids while he provides for us. In the first few months of marriage i realised he is a miser and is very difficult with money. I use to earn decently before marriage but did not save anything honestly. 3 months back i started working part time and he is been after me to leave that job. Today he created a big issue out of it and i eventually put in a 2 month notice. I will be put of job after 2 months and he doesn’t provide if he does not see it as fit as need. So all my needs will depend upon his decision. I asked him if he could give me an allowance and he said he will assess it later. I love him but they way we talked to each other today made me realise how toxic it is and how painful it is for me to depend on him understanding that he will not fulfil them, if he doesn’t deem them fit. I don’t know what to do, should I separate Tldr: 33female

For those of you who are divorced, when you initially decided that you wanted to leave your spouse, before you told them, were you still doing things with them? Like outings, dinner, etc?

Wife is divorcing me but she earns twice what I do. Can she take half my pension? I don’t want a divorce, have tried to reconcile but she is adamant. She earns about £80k and me half that. But I know for a fact my pension is way larger than hers (approx 200k) Could she still take half?

EDIT: I’m in England. Age 35 and most of the pension was earned before we were together. We’ve been together 7 years, married 18 months.

Background: We have a big house we have contributed to equally. Nice cars about the same value that we both pay for separately. We have a joint account that we have both payed the same amount into and have always split things down the middle.

What is the likely scenario?

me and STBXW are in the process of getting divorced for the last 7 months, at the beginning I didn’t wanted to get divorced and I begged her to please try to fix our marriage but she putted a wall and was convinced that getting divorced was the right decision on her mind, months later I moved to another state and cut all communication with her and days ago she tell this to a friend. She had confessed how much regret she's been dealing with. Mistakes she's made, had wished she could've changed things. Especially her relationship with you. I asked her nonstop what she was trying to tell me, what was on her mind. And each time. She had told me that she felt conflicted. She misses what the two of you were, the warmth, comfort, the fact that she felt at home with you. Especially when she was telling me how much she wanted to hear your voice actually broke my heart

She said she wanted to call me and try to talk what I wanted to get the divorce more easy and every time I sounded angry she would told me if we can please “be okay”. Man fuck that her regrets doesn’t undo the pain she put me through

After you get divorce and you start dating and that start to comment about u and ur child in a positive way but I feel like I would be so triggered cause that other person in not parent of the child so why do they have the need to comment on it even if it’s positive.

I'm 32M and have been married for 3 years. My wife and I met through an Indian marriage website. She's well learned and is a baking professional. For the first 2 years, of our marriage we had frequent serious fights (once every 3-4 weeks) which would take me at least a week to bounce back to normalcy. I never started any fights and rather would always try to understand the reason behind her anger/displeasure and would eventually understand that it was never something that I did but because she interpreted my statements in a certain way that she got angry. At the end of those fights, I never found anything that I could change/improve on my side at the end of those fights which left me confused and disappointed. However, in those moments, I stayed positive thinking that these were teething issues and with time things would improve as we would get to know each other better. But right after our 2nd anniversary, we had another major fight and I told her finally that I would not try to solve any of our issues going forward and rather she needs to come and tell me 1) what is she annoyed by and 2) what do I need to do about it. If the latter is missing, I would totally ignore it.

This helped in stopping the fights, however, I felt terrible as I did not imagine my marriage to be this way where I am not available to support my partner. Just when our fights stopped and we had 2-3 months of calm, my parents visited us for 3 weeks and while I knew that she did not like them much, I found out how much hatred she had for them after they left. My parents also felt it and now it has been almost a year that my parents and my wife have not spoken to each other, while we used to talk to both our parents each weekend. I feel I am having to juggle so many different parts of my life while I am not even sure if I am attached to all of them. What kept me going until now was firstly my work, which I submerged myself into so that I could use my energy there and not overthink about my wife's behavior, however, I feel so depressed that I can not even focus on my work properly. I have been offered a much larger role which would have been my dream until 2 years ago but now I feel I don't have the energy to take it.

I still don't think she's a bad person but just that we are very different in our natures and while until recently I thought that there's light at the end of the tunnel and that I would fall in love with her at some point, I don't feel so anymore. So, home does not feel like home and work is anyway not giving the motivation that I used to either, and this is making me depressed. I feel I am complicating the situation too much while there is a more straight forward way to look at this. Can someone please help me de-mystify this?

My mums been married to my step dad for 19 years. We (myself and brother) have never got on with my step dad. He’s lazy, he lives off my mums money (doesn’t work), he drinks heavily and he’s extremely passive aggressive. There’s been multiple events that should have led to separation when we were young but my mum always felt like she could ‘fix him’.

More recently there was a particularly bad aggressive outburst that led me to tell my mum I wouldn’t be visiting their house again. This has caused a multitude of problems and arguments between then and ultimately my mum said that if we weren’t made welcome in their house she would leave him. He’s adamant he’s done nothing wrong and won’t agree to working on his issues. Now we are in the stage of talking about divorce, money and the dog. I feel sad and guilty that my decision ultimately led to this happening and now my mum will be alone and lose her dog to him. She will likely also give him a lot of money as she feels sorry for him and has been funding him the whole marriage.

How do I shake this feeling of guilt? Should I have just sucked it up and put up with it. I just feel so sad for her. How can I help her?

Hi all - can anyone weigh in on the consideration of home equity during a divorce? Unfortunately, my wife and I have decided to split. She can't afford to buy me out, but wants to keep our home, which we own together. She says she'll give up her claim of my retirement, and it will even out. But that doesn't seem fair to me. We've been married nearly 30 years and yes - I've been the primary breadwinner for most of our marriage. She's had part and full-time jobs off and on. Right now she's part-time but her salary is maybe a third of mine? Meanwhile, I've worked the same job for 20 of those years. Thanks a bunch for your insight.

STBX and I are likely signing our separation papers this week, and I want to tell our kiddo (4) that mom and mom will soon be living in different houses, with kiddo moving between them.

Kiddo will understand the concept, as we started our parenting schedule months ago to ease him into it.

BUT. My STBX is psychologically abusive, and I feel uneasy having this talk with her present because I can't feel safe or vulnerable around her (or finish a sentence without being 'corrected' midway). I really want to propose we talk to him separately, but that presents its own issues around 'who goes first?' and 'what are you going to tell him that I shouldn't hear?'

Thoughts?

Idk how divorce actually works and I’m so scared to file. I can’t stand in a courtroom in front of the judge and my husband and be questioned. Can we just sign papers in separate rooms or does everyone have to stand in front of a judge??

I have no clue but I want to get out!!

Hi everyone.

I’m not really sure what, or how much, to say here, so I’m just going to talk.

My wife and I were together for 5 years, married for 1.5 years of that. During all of this, I gave everything for her. I worked ridiculous hours to support us so that she could focus on school. It was really really difficult at times, but all I wanted was to give her everything she needed to have a fulfilling life. A couple times throughout our relationship, she had these “slip ups” where she’d tell exes or other guys that she’s in an open relationship, in an attempt to get them to sleep with her I’m assuming. I always caught it before it got that far thankfully, but things finally came to a head a few weeks ago.

She’s been really into this online community for a game she plays for the last like 6-7 months. As she got more into it, she would be in very long voice chats with them, like 6-8 hours sometimes. I started to get really uncomfortable with how she talked to them sometimes, in addition to the fact that she told them basically everything about her life, but always made a concerted effort to not mention she’s married. We fought about this several times and she made me feel crazy for being suspect of her, but my gut was telling me something was wrong.

I decided to check her laptop (that I bought for her, being the only income in the household), and I find that she has just that very day professed her love for one of the men in this online community. I was heartbroken and of course this resulted in a fight. She tried to blame it on me in more ways than one, but I could tell that no matter what, our love was dead.

Yesterday I had to go run errands. (She has no car and also can’t drive so all of those responsibilities fall to me as well) While I’m out, I get some notifications on my phone that she’s disabled the location sharing thing we have. I immediately knew what this meant, but I had to go home to be sure.

She left, took everything she could, including our cats, and blocked me on every form of communication. I spent the rest of yesterday in shock, trying to scramble to make sure she couldn’t take anything else. Changing locks, unlinking bank accounts, requesting new cards. She cancelled our phone plan so I had to get a new plan and a new number. All of my 2FA stuff is going to be beyond difficult to get access to now. Sorry, I’m getting off topic.

I don’t know what to do now. None of her friends have heard from her either. It seems like she is just burning every bridge. I don’t know who picked her up because with everything she took, she would need help and a car to transport it. I’m guessing I should get in touch with an attorney but I don’t really know where to start. I’m just trying to get through the day right now.

Thanks for anyone who reads this and listens.

Hey guys. I will be newly divorced soon. I do not know what to do or how to go about life. I love this women but I ruined our relationship with my anger. I got help too little too late and now have to accept the consequences of my actions. I hate myself and don't want to be around anymore but we have a 1 year old who is my everything and the only thing keeping me going. I don't know how I let things get this bad and how I never saw any of her cries for help before it was too late. I guess I'm just kinda ranting because y'all probably understand how I feel. I never wanted this to happen but here I am.

I haven’t posted here in a long time, but I (32F) find myself needing to put my thoughts somewhere. My 34M STBX left a week after our 8-year wedding anniversary back in July. It wasn’t an affair, there was no abuse—just two people with incompatible attachment styles that kept clashing. Him, avoidant. Me, anxious.

Looking back, I can see now that he stopped being in love with me long before he left. Our trial separation started in April with a therapist, but by May, we had already stopped therapy. And at some point before that, we had stopped loving each other altogether. I realized this yesterday while sorting through old texts from June—there was such a stark absence of “I love you” and even basic kindness.

He’s now seeing someone else. It started as a FWB situation in October and has since turned into something more. And it kills me. I had my own FWB in November with an ex, but it was fleeting—we were clear about not catching feelings, so it fizzled out. But hearing that my STBX has moved on? That he’s actually with someone? I was floored. I still am.

And then it hit me: if you truly love someone, you want them to be happy. But I don’t. I resent his happiness. And if I’m being honest with myself, I haven’t wanted him to be happy in a long time. The way he spoke to me before he left? He didn’t want me to be happy either. That’s not love. That’s just two people who became incapable of giving each other what we needed.

His stance is that we couldn’t make each other happy. I still believe we could have, if we had both done the work. But that’s not what happened. Now we’re on separate paths, and as much as it pains me, I know I have to let go.

So I’m challenging myself to stay single for a year. I don’t want to jump into something new just to distract myself—I want to heal. He’s seeking validation and worth in someone else, but I want to find it in myself. I could easily jump into dating again. I’ve had at least 20 guys ask me out in person and over text. My Hinge is overflowing with likes. I have matches and messages on Raya. But none of that will fix the part of me that still aches when I think of him moving on. The part that still struggles with resentment.

Somewhere, in another timeline, maybe we got it right. I hate that it wasn’t this one.

It's only been a week, and I am happier than I've been in years. I am so grateful for this 2nd chance at happiness and joy! You know that feeling when you're done, you simply have no fight in you only a sense of calm? I am smiling, I am laughing, I am breathing, I am Safe!!! I was worried that all my give and all his take would have hardened my heart, would make me cold but it hasn't. I have so much more love and care to give. I've given him everything (expect our kids) all assets, savings, everything. I have my car, personal belongings and dishes lol and I couldn't care less!!! I initially wanted to fight for my half, but when he looked me in the eyes and told me there is no savings, that he owed me nothing. I was so releived he took another stab at me because it meant I had no reason to ever go back. I felt so much joy letting go of every fight. I still do.

I (30F) am looking to get a divorce but I don't know where to start. We've been married for 3 years. We don't have any kids or own any property together, but we do have a lot of debt that needs to be divided.

While on paper, this seems like a simple divorce, there's some factors that come into play that I'm hoping to get some advice on how best to proceed.

A little backstory: My husband is a complex person. He is incredibly charming and charismatic. When he's in high spirits, everything feels bright and fun and easy. When he's in a bad mood, however... everything is always someone else's fault. He'll explode on anyone and everyone close to his vicinity, and unfortunately that's often me. He just can't figure out a way to control his anger. He's not physically abusive, but it can be emotionally draining to be around him when he's in that state. He had a rough childhood so I excused a lot of his behavior. He's gone to therapy and that did help for awhile, but then he decided he was "cured" and stopped going. I later realized he hadn't exactly gotten "better", he just now avoids any and all possible triggers by never going out or doing anything. I've found that his main trigger is being inconvenienced. He hates crowded places, waiting in line, being asked to do something he doesn't want to do, doing things he doesn't personally enjoy, etc. This is going to sound terrible but every time I've asked him to come out with me to do something I enjoy, he will ruin my experience by making it clear to everyone that he hates being there, and causing a fight with me afterwards. For a long time I tried to cater to him by just staying home with him to avoid any potential issues in our relationship. Over the years though, I realized that to keep him happy, I was making myself miserable. My depression was at an all time high, I no longer had any friends, etc.

Recently, I tried to remedy this by making friends that share my interests and going out with them to do things I enjoy doing as to not bother my husband. It didn't help. He didn't like this. He felt I was now avoiding my duties at home by going out "all the time". We've gotten into a lot of heated arguments over this. It seems like it's not just that he doesn't want to go out and do things with me, it's that he doesn't want ME to go out and do things with anyone. I feel isolated without friends, but I'm also in a constant state of anxiousness at his reactions to things. While I still care about great deal for him, I'm tired of feeling like I have to walk on eggshells to keep him happy. I just don't think I have the patience he needs in a partner to help him work through his issues.

Here's where I need advice:

• I live in a state where you must be separated for 1 year before you can get a divorce. To the people who live in states with the same or similar law, did you hire a lawyer first before you discussed separation/divorce?
• Since we don't have kids or assets, my main concern is the division of our debt. Does this require a lawyer, or can we do it through a mediator? If he doesn't pay his portion of our debt, does it default back to me? He makes more money than I do so I know I won't be able to afford paying bills if it's all on me. I really don't want to screw myself by filing for bankruptcy.
• After the year of separation, how does he get served the divorce papers if I don't know where his new address is? What happens if he refuses to sign the papers?

I'm trying to figure out the best way to handle things to keep everything as simple and uncomplicated as possible. In the short time we were in couple's therapy, he once admitted that it doesn't matter who it is in front of him, if he's angry at them, he can't see past his anger and goal to "break/hurt them as much as possible". That has haunted me since the day I heard it and is probably why it's taken me so long to finally decide to get a divorce because of how anxious and emotionally draining it will probably turn into. But it can't be much different than how already anxious and emotionally drained I feel on a daily basis so here I am.

Any and all advice is welcome and most appreciated!

I’m lying in bed in my house alone thinking of my kids. She has them most of the time for now because we don’t have anything set in writing yet, but everything hurts. It hurts to see the empty bedrooms, the toys scattered across the floor of the play room. His favorite lovie that he goes to bed with at night while he sucks his thumb.

Two empty cribs, my heart breaks every minute of every day. I miss them. I miss the laughs, the cuddles, random hugs after playing with toys. My son loves to watch football and I miss Saturdays and sundays. My daughter is just starting to smile but doesn’t even recognize me, or my voice. I’m looked at like a total stranger.

We’re going to therapy to see if things can be mended but in the meantime, I live in silence. I eat at the dining room table in darkness. I don’t want to feel and I don’t want to hurt anymore. How did you guys get through it? Where is the light? When do I feel the emptiness become whole again?

I’m sorry for ranting, I’m just in a lot of pain and nowhere to get it out. I just cry in silence and sleep with my son’s stuffed animal to make it a little better.

my spouse and i (bother US citizens) got married in California, and then moved to vietnam together, but due to irreconcilable differences, we're both agreeing to get a divorce. we don't want to share or split anything or get any of each other's money. completely amicable and nothing to dispute. and we have no kids.

what's the easiest and cheapest way to get the divorce done from here in vietnam? can i do it all myself without a lawyer? we don't plan on going back to california any time soon, and we would like to get this legal stuff over with as painlessly as possible.

I’m just curious. Tell me all the good and bad. You can also be at the start of the process and talk about it.

If you don’t wanna share the bad? Tell me the good!

Or tell me the bad only!

What have you learned through this whole process?

Are you dating? Not dating?

What part of you has changed?

Let’s tell some stories!

I’ve been married for almost seven years, and I don’t know if this is the “seven-year itch” or if I’m just finally seeing things clearly—but I feel like I’m drifting away from my husband. I don’t have anyone else on the side or anything like that. I’ve just started paying attention to how he treats me, and I don’t think I’m happy anymore.

He works and goes to school for us, and I stay home with our child. I do have a remote job, but it’s contract-based, so it doesn’t bring in much. I used to be the breadwinner for most of our marriage, but now that I’m home, he constantly complains—about the kitchen not being clean, the house being messy, or his clothes not being put away.

We have a one-year-old who takes up most of my time, plus three dogs that shed constantly. Our home is big, which is great, but keeping up with everything alone is overwhelming. No matter how hard I try, it feels like nothing I do is ever good enough for him.

I make sure he has time to play his games after work. I cook for him most nights unless he tells me he wants takeout. He never has to handle our child alone or change diapers. And yet, he barely engages with me. He’s either too busy or too exhausted from work. I get that—I’ve worked long shifts before—but he expects me to be intimate with him without putting any effort into our relationship. There’s no romance, no emotional connection.

This really hit me over Christmas. I know gifts aren’t everything, but for the seventh year in a row, he didn’t get me anything. Meanwhile, I went all out for him—I got him car fenders he wanted, expensive halo lights, and did everything I could to make the holiday special because I know he had a rough childhood. But getting nothing in return, not even a small token of appreciation, broke me.

I brought it up on Christmas, which I realize might not have been the best time since the holidays are hard for him. But when I pointed out how he was treating me, we got into a fight. I was so overwhelmed that I threw some plastic bowls in frustration. And then… he put me in a headlock. So hard that my face was swollen. I couldn’t let anyone see me like that until after New Year’s.

That’s when I realized—he could actually kill me one day. And ever since then, I’ve been timid around him.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be here anymore, but I feel trapped. We have a child. I have little to no income. If I leave, he could take her. The debt he’s put us in would destroy me financially—I’d have to file for bankruptcy along with a divorce.

I also feel so isolated. We used to go out, spend time with friends, and have fun. But he’s slowly cut everyone off. We lost our car due to financial mistakes on his part, so I have no way to leave the house. I have to fight just to go anywhere. I Uber to my daughter’s doctor visits because I have no other option.

He didn’t used to be like this. Or maybe he was, and I was just too blinded by love to see it. But now, it feels like no matter what I do, it’s wrong. When he looks at me, it’s like all the love has drained from his face—like coming home to me is the worst part of his day. And I never wanted that.

I don’t know what to do. I just needed to get this out.