Dear all

I THINK this will look like self promotion. I hope not. Its not the aim. Also. I think if you follow the link I'll share it might be triggering - so instead I'd like to share my story, and explain why.

In 2020 I lost my wife to breast cancer. Three years later I lost our daughter to lymphoma. The grief after losing my six year old babe was so horrific I slumped into one of the most horrific seven months of my life. It's well documented on my Instagram. After a failed sucide attempt last Christmas I've found myself living with this overwhelming trauma that - sometimes I can keep a grip of. Other times - well - I can't. A lot is survivors guilt. A lot is grief. But. The route of most of it can be summed up in a 3 letter word. I'm just sad. All the time.

Writing about my memories, mixed with somehow trying to forge myself some type of future as I seek help from others, and myself, I somehow ended up writing about it. This isn't some prequel to becoming an author. I have zero skill or interest in that. However, I found it utterly wild just how much writing it all down helped me. And. Through a series of insane factors I found it seemed to help others. I'd write, now, if no one was reading. But. Somehow I've created something that has helped me through all this.

I have zero answers. Zero. But if anyone wants to come over and to https://www.instagram.com/stu_clarke_?igsh=MWh6cWdyZHNyeHhxeg== and share their story and follow me - I'd love that.

As someone who didn't want to share their story or pictures or anything (and the insane way that Kate Beckinsale and Stanley Tucci somehow ended up following and rooting for me) it's really helped me discover an outlet to progress through the trauma and stress that has built around me - some of which is my own doing.

Thank you Stuart

I recently lost my grandma this Sunday . Me & my boyfriend been together for 2 1/2 years he has a 5 year old son . We have him part time 4 days out of the week . His babymother & my self have a good relationship but I had texted her letting her know that my grandma had passed we couldn’t get my step son yesterday after school , she had texted us last night asking if we can pick him up every morning this week to take him to school. To me it’s disrespectful & her not caring about me grieving. Is it wrong for me to text her & let her know that ? She has a older sister that’s home with a car she just doesn’t want to ask her .

I went out to dinner tonight with your cousin that was born 3 days after you left us. I love that little girl but she is such a huge reminder of what we lost that I struggle to be with her. Especially when your brother loves her so much. She reminds him of you as well. He talks about how much he misses you all the time. We all do.

Nights like tonight the pain is so raw that it causes physical pain.

I know the holidays can be so hard when we are grieving. This year has been weird. I did way too much retail therapy and actually maxed out my credit cards on Christmas. I put up the tree but usually my whole house is rediculously "Santa". I just didn't feel it this year.

Losing grandparents because we don’t like their behavior. What should be done?

My friend had her baby very premature and she passed away at 2 weeks old. Watching her go through this has brought back a ton of memories.

She's so much stronger than I thought possible. She is clinging to her faith and that is making her feel hope and love. I felt only lost and angry, especially angry with God. I wish I would have had the strength to cling to faith instead of anger.

The past year and half has been really hard. After losing you I lost part of me. Since you left I have lost many other people. Family, friends, pets... You name it. I don't think I cried once for any other death since yours (unless it reminded me of you). The song Paralyzed says it perfectly:

"I'm paralyzed Where are my feelings? I no longer feel things I know I should I'm paralyzed Where is the real me? I'm lost and it kills me, inside"

This week I lost a friend. One of the greatest men I know. Someone who was always there for me, always made me feel special and loved. I cried. I am still crying. I don't believe it hit as hard as it would before you left but it is hitting harder than anything else has.

Am I turning back into myself? Am I healing?

I've been thinking a lot about your name. You're mom used my middle name for you and it meant so much to me. So much more than I could ever express to her. Here you were...this perfect little angel and you were carrying a part of me.

I haven't lost it in a few months and things have been really building up inside me. I feel like I'm constantly walking some crazy thin line between insanity and "normal". I think I need to go visit your resting place but it's so hard to even drive down the road the cemetery is on.

It's been a year and a half. A year and a half!! There has not been a day that goes by that I don't see your face in my mind.

The last few weeks have been really hard. So hard, in fact, that I couldn't even bring myself to talk about or write about my feelings.

In the store with your brother we saw a cute baby girl. He looked at her and got very sad. He asked me to "get him a baby" because " my baby sister went to Heabin and I'm sad." I told him I was sad too and we all miss you every day.

Since then getting out of bed has been hard again. I just want to sleep all day. I am trying but I miss you so much.

What do you do when you can't get certain images out of your head? How can I continue to move on when I can't get the images of your last moments, what it must have been like for you, out of my head? You must have been so scared, I can't stop seeing you in my mind fighting to breathe. I know I'm just torturing myself and I'm trying not to think about it but tonight.....tonight is bad and I miss you so much.

Things are bad again. I'm struggling to get out of bed, struggling to stay awake during the day. I am having a hard time enjoying anything, even playing with your brother. Eating seems like a chore that I don't want to bother with and cooking is almost impossible. My house is a disaster and I can't seem to go to work. I just feel like giving up and sleeping forever. I know this will pass but I hate being like this. I hate feeling useless and "lazy". I hate that my kids are doing more to take care of me than I am for them. I just hate everything associated with you leaving us. I miss you.

Today I am missing your smile and giggles even more than usual. I don't have enough pictures. I didn't get enough videos, I didn't get enough TIME!

Alvey is your sweet cousin. She was born 3 days after you passed away. Her mom tried so hard to be there for your mom but your mommy was so hurt she didn't want to be anywhere near the new baby. I, also had a hard time with her.... I still do. I loved having her over and your brother LOVED her. But it still hurts when I look at her and that crushing weight of your absence hits.

I love you

I played with your cousin today. She was born 3 days after you left us. I am getting better at being around little girls, although, I cried on the way home.

I also prayed a few days ago. I feel like I can let go of my anger (mostly) that you were taken from us.

Ryker told me today that "Maizie is in Heaven" then said "moms miss Maizie." I told him we all did and asked if he missed you. In a sad voice he said, "yeah, Ryker's miss Maizie."

Sometimes I can be ok for long periods of time. Then I have a day that I am slapped in the face with your absence. Today is that day. The sun is shining, your brother is sleeping in my bed and I can't help think about all the fun things we should be doing.

I have a lot of plans for this spring and summer. You should be here for them. Playing in the sand, filling the baby pool, eating strawberries fresh from the garden. These are all things you will never get to experience and that makes me both sad and angry.

I love you Punkin.

Your mom made it through the anniversary of your death. I am so grateful she but I was really worried.

This year has been strange. Sometimes it feels like it has been only a day since I got the call with your mommy screaming on the other end. Sometimes it feels like a lifetime ago. Every day I feel the weight of your absence.

Coming g up on a year and I'm finding it harder to breathe. I don't know how I'm supposed to get through the next couple of weeks without breaking down.

Baby girl you are so incredibly missed.

It's been almost a year. I've started watching more videos of you. I don't always feel sad at first. I thought I was gaining acceptance. Then, it crashes around down around me and I realize that, for a moment, your passing didn't feel real. That for a brief moment I just didn't process the pain.

I can't believe it's been almost a year. I cry less but still cry. I think about you every day without fail. Every single day. Some days are much easier than others but there is never a time that I don't miss you sweet angel.

I took your brother to a meeting at church tonight. I took him to the gym and he played with a couple of little girls. I talked about you with their mom and I was able to get through the whole conversation without crying.

I hate that you are gone. I miss you so much but it was different today. Today I could speak with love and not just sadness.

I knew it was there.... sitting folded on the folding table. Every once in awhile I would catch a glance at the pink of the pants and quickly turn away or bury it under my clothes. Today, as I grabbed husband's clothes to bring upstairs I also grabbed the outfit.

It's been sitting there for almost 11 months. I've managed to clean around it for 11 months and today I picked it up.

I put it back in the drawer that holds the suit your brother wore to your funeral.

Life is hard without you here.

We were playing in the shop and Ryker asked me to get the bouncer out. I pulled it out and put him in it. When he asked to be pulled out he turned and said, "it's Maizie's seat not Ryker's seat."

I LOVE that he remembers you but it crushes me that he misses you too. We all do baby girl.