Let's look back at some memorable moments and interesting insights from last year.

Your top 1 posts:

• "Happy Cakeday, r/LostALovedOne! Today you're 11" by u/AutoModerator

Let's look back at some memorable moments and interesting insights from last year.

Your top 1 posts:

• "Happy Cakeday, r/LostALovedOne! Today you're 10" by u/AutoModerator

Let's look back at some memorable moments and interesting insights from last year.

Your top 10 posts:

• "My wife lost her battle with cancer today." by u/-Graveborn
• "I lost Callie on 4-17-18. This picture of my curled up picture in my bathroom mirror really sums up how I’m feeling." by u/sad_throwaway3497
• "Help" by u/LightningMcSCREAM597
• "I walked in on my brother dead" by u/kade_gannon
• "my mom died this morning" by u/Lexiconical928
• "My nephew was murdered" by u/rubster19
• "Went shopping at Walmart for Easter stuff, ended up crying in the Walmart parking lot for 45 minutes" by u/toDoug
• "Sorry, little sad tonight (for no exact reason)" by u/bwbizz
• "My Brother" by u/N3rdScool
• "When I first saw my boyfriend I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I didn’t get the rest of my life, but I got the rest of his. I have sempiternal love for you Zac." by u/Welfare__Mom

I recently lost my mom due to an aneurism and I'm only 12 years old. I dont know how to handle it because I seem to be the only one of my 3 brothers who seem to care. I just wanted to see if there were any suggestions on how to cope with the loss.

I knew the guy since I was born

We always played together growing up, and now he's gone...

His parents never loved him and he didn't love them back. He always lived on the streets.

Guess his past caught up with him, killed in cold blood while he was cycling to work. Police arrested someone but I know who might have given the order.

I'll start digging and see what I can find

He deserved better...

I felt numb at first but now I feel horribly sad. I just wish I could have one last talk with her and give her a hug.

I woke up to my dad talking on the phone this morning, so i went to talk to my mom. She told me my aunt had died this morning at 6 am.

In December she had had neumonia, and she has been in and out of the hospital since, so i didn't really think that she could die. She had just gone back to the hospital this past week because of a fever and my dad had been spending the days with her. And she just died.

I learnt that she had lung cancer from all the smoking, and that's why she was so weak and caught illnesses early. I'm sad that she had to suffer and be in pain, but i'm glad i got to see her this year, and that she got to spend time with her grandchildren.

And i'm not too sad. She's my first family member to die, but since she lived abroad i never knew her very well. But i can't help but cry when i realise i will never see her smile again, never have her kiss me, she will never be proud of my french, and be happy for me. Worst thing is we can't have a funeral for her because of the coronavirus, and despite being in the same town, i haven't seen her since january.

One day i said goodbye and it was just the last time i ever saw her. i'm glad she's not in pain anymore.

This time has been pretty hard since my brother found my mom...

It doesn't help when your walking around Walmart and there are so many things for Grandma's. I found a short for my 2 year old that read ' Don't make me call my Grandma", then I was walking in the front hoping to avoid more of the same and I found two shirts that had something to do with grandchildren and grandma, I can't remember exactly.

Once may hits it's only going to get worse...

Mother's day and her birthday are within the same week..

People kept starring at me while I was in my car.. not sure if it was because of my amazing blood splatter steering wheel cover, me with my hair pretty much looking like Doc Brown, or that I was hysterical I my car...

I really don't care..

I haven't been very festive today but I'm trying for my daughters

This morning I walked in on my brother who had killed himself last night and the coroner had to come to the house because of COVID and take his body away, my family doesn’t know how to do the funeral because of this virus and everything. I’ve never lost a close member before, pls let me know how to cope

Feel free to ignore. It gets to me more nights than others.

I just wish you were here. I miss you mom. I’m sorry I didn’t say that enough. I took it all for granted. I should have told you how much I loved and appreciated you and I never did. And you deserved it. You deserved to know how beautiful you were, inside and out. How amazingly well you raised us girls. We weren’t an easy bunch. Hell, not by a long shot. And you stuck with it. You were so sick you could barely stand up and still pushed for me to get dad McDonald’s breakfast for Father’s Day. Because you knew how something so damn stupid would make him happy. And it would only make him happy because you weren’t capable of making him breakfast yourself. I realize now how hard that was on you; to realize you knew you couldn’t do something that simple.

And I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I never paid enough attention that I never learned how to make your sausage gravy, or your meatballs, or your meatloaf, or your tuna. I’m sorry that I never understood why you spent hours refurbishing old crappy antique tables or chairs. Or why you spent hours sewing little designs in things. If it’s any consolation, I carry the little scrap of fabric that you sewed my name on in my wallet. And it breaks my heart every time I look at it.

I’m sorry that I never took the time to properly mourn you. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to, it was because I couldn’t. I was there when you breathed your last breathe. Literally watched you die. And I can’t accept it. In my mind, it never really happened. It was all just a bad dream. I know in my heart it happened, because you are universally absent. I can’t feel you here anymore. And I need you, now more than ever.

I don’t know how to deal with the shit I’m dealing with. And I’m sure you wouldn’t either. I’m sure if you were still here, I’d be doing the same shit as before, taking everything for granted. And I’m so sorry for that. I would give anything just to tell you I love you again in person. I’m sorry I fucked that up so bad. You were laying in a hospital bed dying and I couldn’t even tell you that I loved you because I was so scared. And dad never left your fucking side. Not once. He was awake until the moment you took your last breathe. Right next to your side. And I wasn’t. I was sitting in a chair trying to fall asleep so I could pretend it was a bad dream. Please tell me it was a bad dream. I miss you so fucking much

My grandma passed away just under 7 months ago, i ask for advice off my friends/family but they just give me the same advice, she died from double lung cancer, she never smoked, in fact she hated smoking, she wasn't a heavy drinker and she worked hard all her life.

I've now come to terms we had no control over the way she passed, it's just life... She retired and 4 years later BOOM cancer.. I always thought she would beat it so was a massive shock when I last saw her before she passed, choking on fluid in her lungs, gasping for air trying to tell me she was proud of me, I know she's proud of me now, I just can't seem to cry?

I try to cry and I just can't do it, I'm trying to cry now because it's her birthday and I can't do it, she loved birthdays no matter who's birthday it was, used to make us sing the song atleast 5+ times so every one had a chance at blowing the candles out.

I have a history of drug use but always managed to cry when I was an active addict, but now I just can't do it, I start to tear up and then that's it, I push it to one side like I did with my drug problem, I just really need some advice right now cause I'm dying inside with this lockdown, I've only asked on here because I've got the best advice I've needed from here which is also sad.

I really just need to cry and I cant, it's ripping me up inside, I feel like I'm close to the edge and I don't know what to do, people just say 'she was so proud of you' well little do they know I've lost my job which paid 45k a year, so what is there to be proud of now? Nothing, I really need help my weekly appointments for my counselling have stopped due to the lockdown, but tbf they didn't help me at all.

My closest family is 150 miles away, but that's my dad's mum, she suffers with dementia so she's in no place to give me advice, I only ask on here because I get the best advice, I think I need a shoulder to cry on but I have no one. I'm at breaking point I can't make myself cry anymore

They say my grandma only has about a few days left..I guess I'm a bit relieved because the nursing home she was in didn't seem like the best..anyway got the phone call today so I rushed to Cleveland to see her before I went to work.just "in case" anyways I'm happy I went.anyways just wanted to throw this out there..I don't think it will hit me too she's actually gone. Don't know what will happen do to the coronavirus..just happy she can go be with my papa and dad..I told her it's okay. We had fun! Love you grandma and your stubborn Irish attitude !! Say hi to papa and dad !

On March 6th 2020 I lost the love of my life. We went through a period of hard times and separated, myself to my parents home and him to his grandparents. We still talked about our love for each other, and how we wanted to get things back to the way they were. He made me the happiest I've been, so in love and head over heels. During the period we weren't living together I would talk to other guys but never felt a thing. That was when I knew, he was the one I loved, the only one that made me feel that great.

I was at work when I got the phone call, the one I always dreaded. The love of my life and the father of our son had passed away. It hurt so bad, words couldn't begin to explain the feeling of the loss. I couldn't believe it. I kept asking his mother if it's real, tell me it's a sick prank. It was real, it's still real even though I'm struggling to accept the fact I'll never see my sunshine and smiles again.

I have never been faithful with religion. I am however open and have beliefs that there is a higher power and spiritual world. I've tried praying in the past, reading scriptures relating it to life. I never had such luck with experiencing the "Holy Ghost".

Now that he's gone, I feel like I'm searching and hoping to get a sign from him, or feel his presence letting me know he's okay and he loves me, needing me to be strong for our son. I sit most times throughout the day wondering what happened to him. Did he feel it? Was it peaceful? Can he see me? Does he understand the pain I'm experiencing right now?

I'm genuinely worried that this won't ever heal, I feel broken, lost, and scared. I would love opinions and knowledge of your beliefs of what happens when a person dies. Is it possible to get a sign or reassurance from that of a loved that has passed? As I mentioned above religion has never been my thing. Could this be a sign for me to put faith and love in God? Basically asking would I get the reassurance from God that he is okay. I'm just so lost and it's a hard subject for me to talk to with family and the maybe one friend I have.

We met 16 years ago in the worst time of our lives. My girl was 26 and I was 36, and we started talking on a corner while waiting for the signal. We spent all afternoon together, but reality came back into our world; We were both low bottom dope addicts who had rapidly ended up in that part of LosAngeles called Skid Row, we know it as the Bottoms. We parted, figuring wed never see each other again but two days later we discovered we were in the same wicked world. Over the next 6 years we would come and go in each others lives. The experiences harrowing and with lethal consequences every day yet we survived and always found each other. I was a prison/street gang member selling drugs, robbing banks, and sometimes eating out of trash cans. She was an ex model/actress(no shortage in LA), who couldnt take her career further and the drugs destroyed that. Its her business how she survived, but I helped as much as I could. Im a stand up guy. I tried to look out for this woman whom Ive loved so deeply from the day I met her. Whats crazy is she loved me too! Me! But Id always go back to prison. That story is told by others in better places, whats unique for us is we got out. We quit! Just like that. I was going away for 20-30 years and I got her and we cleaned up our addictions in a clinic before I got arrested. I told her in my only phone call to her to "get a good guy", and "I love you baby!" and blah, blah, blah. That was 2010. I was released on appeal in 2015, off parole in 2018, and Id looked EVERYWHERE for her but she did it! She got out! She was free! I love her but, at least she got away. I became a drug counselor, got my BS in Psychology/Addiction Specialist. But I thought about her every couple days. . . In 2018 I saw her. She no longer lived in LA, but 2 counties away. She came back to LA one time to get her own certificate from the same college I had gone to. I was there to get a copy of transcripts. 10 minutes. only 10minutes for us to be in the same huge city together and sure as taxes WE FOUND EACH OTHER!! We started seeing each other. Every 3 weeks Id take the train to her county, get us a motel, and wed be a couple again. I had one of the ENRON stock fraud crooks as my cellie in federal prison who taught me the basics of stock trading. Ive learned more. I was making good, legit money, living good. My girl had health problems. So do I. We both had and then beat a cancer; shes been in a coma twice from car accidents; but we were together! I wanted to make enough money to buy her a house when we got married. February 24,2020 I officially proposed and she accepted! We did a pagan ceremony for us; exchanged vows, etc., etc. And we drank some cocktails and walked out to get dinner. Her people were gonna be hard to tell we were getting married but so the fuck what? right? its LOVE! We been through 6 prison terms, years on the streets, seen our friends and loved ones die and We Were Gonna Do This Thing!! we walkin and a street guy asked us for money. I said no, cuz sometimes I do forget where I came from. Georgiana gave the guy $2, but he said,"Heres a joint of some medical(marijuana). Im not begging now. You gonna like this." This part is quik. We lit it and she felt sick after 2 or 3 puffs. I diddnt notice anything. We went back to our room and my baby looked scared, and she said she diddnt feel right, but I remember she looked so scared and sad too. Ive revived a hundred addict od's, but this was different. . .The ambulance was there in about 6 minutes, and they did CPR for another 5 before they took her to hospital. . .she was dead when they got there they told me. She never revived. I dont know if there was something in the pot. I dont know if I could have got the paramedics there quicker. The cops said what happened was messed up, cuz we werent druggies anymore. . .this doesnt happen to you right when its starting to get good!! Her mother calls me every couple days to check on me. Her father calls me to tell me when she was cremated, memorial, etc. Her brothers who thank me for rescuing their sister call me. All my friends call and check on me. I dont want to be alive any more. I wont kill myself; but Im not taking care of myself. I dream of my Georgie every night and I wake up and remember her scared and sad and reaching to hold me as she died. . . Im covered in tattoos, prison, gang, etc. But Im crying for hours every day. I shake. I howl like a wounded wolf, and every now and again I forget what happened for a few minutes. . .Ive got money now. Ive started using drugs again but that is temporary cuz of this virus thing. I wanted to put this story onto Reddit because maybe in some electronic way we can be together for just a little bit longer. Times had been hard through most of both our lives, but when EVERYTHING was just going GREAT. . .Deadpool said,". . .and now back to our regular program. . ."

I lost my brother on March 12th, 2020.

He has been battling addiction and his mental health for as long as I can remember. He has been homeless for the past 10 years almost... he was only 33 years old.

After not hearing from him in almost a year me and my sister went to the last city we knew he was in and spent the weekend trying to find him... It was an 8 hour drive but he was worth the effort.

We found him on the second day we looked for him, early in the morning. We cleaned him up (he hadn't showered in weeks. Fed him, got him clothes, caught up... it was amazing.

The motive for the trip was for my brothers sobriety so I was pushing detox the whole time. Eventually he agreed! Me and my sister drove him to a detox much closer to our city and he only stayed for 4 days before leaving. That was the last we heard from him back in October 2019.

My mom called me on Saturday morning to tell me the news that he had died on the Thursday. He was in a crack house full of people, he had stopped breathing and someone called 911. The first responders managed to get him breathing again, rushed him to the hospital where he later died that evening.

Because of this whole carona virus thing we have to wait to have a funeral. I feel so isolated right now I just want to see everyone I know and take my mind off things. He was an amazing brother and even through fighting his demons he was always there to help anyone who needed it. That is how he will be remembered and I am so thankful for that.

I needed to write this somewhere so here it is. Thanks for taking the time to read.

I lost the live of my life a month ago Monday to complete organ failure. I'm working from home, watching his Netflix saved watch list and going on the cruise we planned months ago.

I want to cry but don't, want to go outside but can't, want to call people but I'm tired of the same conversations.

I DON'T CARE ANY MORE.

My good friend Matt was married 7 years, together with his wife for a total of 20 years. They met senior year in highschool. He was a bit of a loner, and she was quite popular. He was a flunky, she was a 4.0 honor student. They dated out of school for 3 years before moving in together. After 2 years of living together, they had a baby boy, named Adam. Times were tough, in 2008, when the economy took a dump, both Matt and Samantha lost their mediocre jobs. Matt took any job possible to make ends meet, Samantha went back to school to become a registered nurse. They got married once finances got better. Maybe they shouldn't have, but....Love was strong. They had their fights and falling outs, but stayed loyal to each other through the bad times. There was plenty of good times, raising Adam, going on vacations, good times with friends and family. 4 years ago they bought a house, a dream home they thought they could never afford, but somehow did thanks to help from family, ones that were living, and a decent inheritance from Matt's parents. Throughout those 4 years they got a little too comfortable with spending and doing what they wanted. There was always money from somewhere, whether it was credit, or savings, it was there. I am not sure. Last year things got tight. No more savings accounts to pull from, maxed credit cards. Mortgage payments started to be missed because other things had priority for some reason. Matt asked me for money a couple times, and paid some back. Due to some serious budgeting, and sacraficing things slowly got better financially. What Matt didn't see was the mundane life they had fallen into. No excitement, no fun, no date nights. Matt and Samantha both slipped into depression. It was just a daily grind of working, sleeping and trying to raise Adam. The fighting grew stronger and more often, mostly over money. At one point Samantha told Adam she was done, he was no longer there for her. They had grown apart. After a long fighting weekend, Adam was ready to end it all. He contemplated suicide. He couldn't live with himself anymore. Fortunately, Samantha was there for him. She still loved and cared for him. They talked, went to marriage and financial counseling. For a few months, it seemed better from the outside. Adam was doing better in school, and was slated to become a highschool football star his junior year. They enjoyed the Friday night games, and celebrating wins with other parents. Samantha started to make new friends last year, and now started to spend alot more time with them. Matt got to know most of them also, so there was no problem, he thought. Samantha started to go out of town some weekends to concerts, and girls weekends alot more. Matt had suspicions, but never questioned anything. It was weird how she never had to pay for anything. In June of last year, Samantha had plans to go for a week to Nashville with Amy, her best friend of only 2 years. Amy was paying for everything, that was alarming to Matt, but still didn't question it. Amy was born into money, and supposedly had over 50 million in trust funds, that she drew interest payments from to support her lavish lifestyle. Matt knew Amy was real. No real reason for questions.
Samantha and Amy left for Nashville on a Thursday, to return the Wednesday after. That Wednesday night for some reason Samantha and Matt got into a huge fight over money again. They barely said goodbye to each other Thursday morning. Matt felt really bad and texted me about it. I told him not to worry, just text or call her later when they settle in. There was no answer Thursday night. They spoke on Friday, apologized to each other, but Matt said it didn't feel right. He still had that depressed sick to his stomach feeling. That Saturday afternoon Matt's phone rang with a weird number at 12:30, not knowing who it was he ignored it. He thought maybe it was Adam calling for a ride home from football practice, but he usually wasn't done until 2pm. The same number called back 10 minutes later. Matt answered. It was a hospital in Nashville. Samantha was in serious condition. Something with her heart. They told him get there ASAP. He picked up Adam from practice after packing 2 bags, and drove 7 hours to Nashville. He kept in touch with the hospital, and didn't get to talk to her because she was in an induced coma. When they finally arrived, it was too late. The floor nurse informed Matt and Adam that Samantha was declared deceased about 15 minutes before they got there. Matt doesn't remember much after that moment. He hasn't spoken about how Adam reacted. Matt hasn't spoken much about it. He knows that he was taken into psychiatric care that day for his condition at that moment because he mentioned suicide to one of the nurses. A family member drove down to pick up Adam, Matt was released on Monday. Samantha had aquired a heart condition a few years ago, and was never really treated for it. Matt never really knew about it because she had numerous other minor health problems, and truthfully, Matt was too busy trying to juggle the family and work responsibilities. He never really listened to her talk. That was an ongoing relationship issue with them. Samantha and Matt strangely enough arrived home the same day. Matt kind of held it together to make funeral arrangements, and be there for Adam. Matt transferred Samantha's life insurance payment over to Adam when he graduated high school. That paid for college. Adam was smart and invested the remaining amount to insure an early retirement. Matt and Adam grew apart due to Matt's ongoing mental issues, and for months Matt had basically dropped off the map for a few years. I knew he regreted most of his life decisions. What if was there for Samantha more, what if he had listened to her more, what if they never fought before she left? Too many what ifs, and should have beens haunted him. Just last week I got a Facebook message from Matt's sister, saying that Matt took his own life. He was found in a secluded cabin that he was renting. They think it was a drug overdose. I have spoken to Adam, and he is not good. There was no funeral for Matt. because he always said he didn't want one. His ashes were scatted in the ocean at the same coordinates of Samantha's, off the coast of their favorite vacation beach, the same beach that they were married on. If you take anything from this, please be there for your loved ones. You never know what they are going through. Whether it be a physical or mental health issue. Listen to each other, be there for one another. Thank you for reading this.

My grandfather has been sick for a while, he passed away yesterday morning, I was lucky enough to talk to him the night before. I have not cried or been noticeably upset once. I barely think about it. Is this normal? Am I a sociopath? Has anyone else gone through this?

It's been 4 years since I lost my dad. We were incredibly INCREDIBLY close. He was my best friend. So when he passed away i was 16. It was traumatizing for me. I spiraled and ended up forgetting things about him. His smile, his laugh, his voice. His smell, memories of him and I going in father daughter dates. And that's devastating to me, absolutely devastating. I want to remember everything again but as hard as I try, I lose it. What can help me? Because with the pictures I have, even looking at them doesn't seem to help as much. I'm desperate.

I woke and you weren't there. I thought to myself you must be off getting a snack. Then I remembered. And I lost you again.

Yesterday afternoon, we lost our sweet baby. She was only 10 months old, but she made the biggest impact on our life. It was the most unexpected thing, and I had to see it with my own eyes. I couldn’t stop screaming and crying. She was closest to me and my dad and my boyfriend, and we all had to see her laying there. It was so painful and I cannot stop replaying everything in my head. I feel empty and like nothing matters anymore. Everything I look at has a memory attached to her. I just want to hold her and rub her ears one more time. Play chase with her. Take her outside with her fishing pole that she loved to chase when it was cast out. She loved being outside, but she also loved being around us all. She was always following one of us around the house. We buried her pretty quickly yesterday because it was too painful. We couldn’t think about anything except for gathering her favorite toys (including q-tips) and wrapping them up with her in her blanket. At the time, it felt right. But now all I can think about is wanting to have a piece of her with me. I will be moving out of my parents house soon, but I don’t want to think about leaving her behind. I know it sounds stupid, but I feel so horrible for her being outside in the cold and rain. I feel like we just shoved her in a cold hole. She deserves so much more. She had an entire life to live. I had so many plans of things to do with her. Now, I feel like we should have had her cremated. That way my dad can have his own urn and my boyfriend and I can have one to take with us wherever our lives may take us. We can spread some outside where she loved to be. I don’t know what to do. She is already buried. Would it be wrong to dig her out and take her to be cremated? I don’t want to disturb her but I don’t want to feel like all she has is a cold, cheap grave. I don’t want to leave her when I have to go. If you’ve read this far, thank you. I would appreciate any thoughts or opinions you might have to give. If you still have your own pets, please hug them because that’s all I wish I could do right now.

So this is my very post ever because I have been listening to these things on Youtube forever but am just now drunk and sad enough to tell my story. Or my sister's story really. I guess it is mine though it doesn't feel like it because even after almost 5 years it doesn't even seem fully real to me. My sister was a great girl who never believed in herself enough. I was never really sure why, but it is what it is. Or was. She married her middle school through high school sweetheart a year after she graduated. Dropped out of college for him and moved across the country because he was in the military. I'd say it was a fairy tale marriage but he had literally cheated on her with every friend she had ever had since day one. I'd say I don't know why she didn't love herself enough but my dad was an alcoholic and my mom stayed even though he was awful to her. My sister had a boyfriend who as 18 when she was 12 exactly because of that. I didn't follow suit exactly but did end up with a man who abused the shit out of me and got me pregnant at 19. (I wizened up quickly and got the fuck out luckily) My sister left her first husband after her second child was born (I think he was 3 when she finally left because her husband had cheated once again but now with the recognized town whore). I can't remember exact details but she had 2 kids with the first husband then ended up marrying the town whore's husband because... well I don't know. Probably depression. He sucked as a human being though he was definitively better than the first husband as he didn't cheat. He was absolutely into psychologically abusing her and she ended up divorcing him shortly after her third child was born. She met the man who would eventually kill her in the midst of her second divorce. They were together for less than a year when he murdered her. We all knew something was up. We all knew he was hurting her but she couldn't be convinced to leave. One night she, him, his teenage son, and his son's girlfriend were on the way to take the girlfriend to work. My sister got a call from a guy friend (just friends for sure) who was supposed to be helping my mom fix her car, and the jealous boyfriend started accusing my sister of cheating. He was driving my sister's car at the time. My sister demanded he pull over so she could drive. He did, but as she was moving around to the driver's side, he shoved her into oncoming traffic. She was hit and killed instantly. We lived in a tiny town and the investigation was botched hard. They never even considered anything but the story the boyfriend gave (which never made sense as he said she got depressed and walked into traffic then he immediately went back to her house before calling the police and brought her 13 year old daughter to the crime scene to see her dead mom in the road al the while telling her that her mom was hurt but ok.) They sent the investigating officer to the Texas border for border control stuff the VERY next day so he didn't even ever really get the chance to investigate. They never even looked in my sister's car because they just believed the story that she walked into traffic. Had they, they would have seen several empty bottles of whisky that the boyfriend had consumed. They allowed him to drive my dead sister's car home. We only know the whole story because the teenage (he was really an adult. 19 at the time.) son told us the story at a later date, but also told us he would deny it to the police. He loves his dad despite the abuse he also receives. I don't expect anyone to believe this story. It is mostly about me getting it off my chest. I miss you Jen. I will miss you forever despite how many times as a kid I wished you would die. That was just little sister stuff. I miss you so much. You were a great big sister. I wish I had said it more. Or ever. I understand there is no justice for you. I am still not sure how to cope with it, but I am trying.

2/22/2020

Our happily ever after

never got to be,

ever lost.

​

Borrowed time

and lost moments,

desperate...

​

Darkness approaches

and I must continue alone,

yet you are still with me.

I posted this in a different sub, but then found this one and thought it might be good here too.

My Grandmother, Nana, to those that love her died, on Tuesday. It's not really something I want to talk about out loud and I didn't feel like journaling, so, here I am, on Reddit, for the first time I might add. She had been in the hospital for a couple of weeks due to illness, then a stroke, then open heart surgery, then infection. She had a feeding tube in her nose for about a week, I don't know, time has gotten strange and it doesn't matter. She also had to get put on a trach. Things started to look up. Then I got the text. The "Hey girls, Nana isn't doing well and you need to come spend time with her while you can" text. I run a restaurant, the universe really did me a favor and let this happen on my days off. So, Phillip and I went to the hospital to see my Nana for the last time. I work like crazy and had been sick so I hadn't been to see her in a week. This is something I now regret. She looked much much worse since the last time I had seen her. Her kidneys were failing and everything was kinda just shutting down. I held her hand. She would have these...spasms? where she would yank her hand away and, with my dad's reassurance, reached out to grab her hand again. I stood there with her for awhile holding her hand. She would pull her hand away and I would wait a moment and gently take it back. I could see the comfort that gave her. It was like during those spasms she was gone from reality and when I took her hand it brought her back a little bit. She had her eyes closed most of the time. Every now and then she would open them. I think she knew it was me. I was talking to her, telling her everything was going to be alright, and I think she understood me. She had started falling to her side so we had the nurses come in to adjust her and I have never seen the look of pain like that on anyone. ever. It haunts me. I was holding her hand when her doctor finally arrived. Oh. This is probably a good time for some back story. I got "the text" Monday night while I was closing the store. Tuesday before I got there my dad gave an update saying they were going to move her to palliative care/hospice at 3:00 PM. We got to the hospital around 1:30 and about half of the family was there. The rest trickled in and we took turns holding her hand and talking to her and about her and how much we loved and appreciated her. It wasn't until maybe 5:00 that the doctor finally got there. Apparently it was her heart surgeon. Every time that man touched her she recoiled in pain. I was holding her hand during this, not once did that doctor tell her he was going to check here or there or do whatever he was doing and it scared her every time he touched her. I just kept telling her it was okay, it was the doctor. I found out later she had never even met the man. I don't know why, but I don't like that. These moments will also haunt me, but at least I was there for her, to tell her everything was okay, if she could comprehend me. The chaplin came. He stood around awkwardly, staying close in case he was needed. He did at one point lead a prayer I believe, but my dad is pastor and he prays every time we get together, and he's good at it, it is what he does. They came in and checked a few things, what those things are I'm not sure of. Then they went and talked with Pappy and the kids, my Dad and Aunt and Uncle; on this day they were kids again. My dad explained to the rest of us what was going to go on. They were going to disconnect her from all the machines and give her drugs to calm her and help manage the pain and then, basically, we wait for her to die. It could be minutes, it could be hours, it could be days. I couldn't tell you how long it took, but I think it fell in the minute range. We all stood there, staring, watching the blankets, are the moving up and down? It was almost like time seized to exist. That, in my family's universe, the Earth stopped and was silent, aside from the one nurse that came in two, maybe three times to dose her with medicines; so it had to be some time. I can't help but feel it was like they put her down like my pet Chihuahua. It happened and no one really knew. We all kinda of felt it, but I could also feel the doubt. I heard a Cousin ask and my Aunt replied "not yet" and then I think it happened. There was no relief until death. There was no moment of peace. There was pain and then there was nothing. And then that was it. A couple people held her lifeless hand. Most of us told her we loved her from afar and we all left. While we were leaving one of the nurses came in and said they were about to clean her up and disconnect her so we could spend time with her, but we all just, went home. It felt strange. But she wasn't there anymore. That body was no longer hers. Joanne Baker no longer exists in this plain of existence. Maybe not at all. I like to think that her energy lives on. I won't get into beliefs here. This is just the story of how I watched my Nana die. It was a very strange event. One that will no doubt haunt me for years to come. I wonder if she knew we were all there. If she was cognitive enough to put everything together. That her entire family was there with her, all at once. Or was it just a myriad of faces coming in and out of the haze that was her mind. Was she dreaming? Or was her body and mind so tired that she was just asleep, in darkness, and then there were faces? I wonder if she felt the relief. I don't feel like I saw it. Did she feel the pain stop? Did she feel everything stop? Does it feel like when your heart ,metaphorically, drops down to your knees? One big woosh and it is over? I don't know. All I know is there is now a hole in my heart and in my family. She worked so hard to keep us together and most of us were to stubborn and selfish to see the bigger picture. She got us all together there at the end, for the better part of a night and then when she left, so did we. Separately. My heart aches, and I don't feel like that word is big enough, breaks, for my Dad. He lost his mother. The woman that raised him, that kept him safe and taught him how to be person. My heart breaks for my Aunt and my Uncle. And my heart shatters for my Pappy. They were together for about 30 years and had the kind of love that most dream of. That woman was his life. I will never forget the heart break in his sobs when the time came. This will also haunt me. There is one thing and one thing only that will make me cry in the movies, and that is seeing someone lose the one they loved the most. I can't take it. I can't imagine losing Phillip. It was never something that I wanted to see in person. It was never something I ever wanted to see on anyone I knew, let alone love. The thing about death is that it doesn't just affect you. A death like this is like the black goo from Fern Gully that slowly envelopes everything it touches. Unfortunately, "everything it touches" are some of the people that I love most. Hm. I think that might be it, I had more typed but it got off topic. I'm not quite sure what made me think of putting this here instead of my journal, but here it is. Please be kind. The internet is a crazy place where this might help someone or start a conversation, or there might be something in this that pisses someone off so they come for me in the comments, just don't. If you have even read this far. I'd be interested to know how many people did. Well Internet, this is yours now. I appreciate you being a mass abyss for people to dump their feelings into. Later.

This morning was tough. I dreamt about waking up next to you, only to find you were still sleeping. We we're in a hotel room and it was dawn, the stun had just started peaking over the horizon. The smell of the air was that of winter giving way to spring as I went to brush the hair covering some of your face.

Sadly as I went to do this my eyes opened and I saw I was alone in my bedroom, you we're not there but the smell of the air was the same. It took a moment to realize that you didn't wake up before me and hip to the bathroom... You just weren't there anymore, you never will be again.

All I have now as those memories, a few pictures, text messages and voicemails. I just wish I could wake up next to you again. It's so true we don't know what we have until it's lost.

Love you Janet. Wish you were still here.

I'm in shock and I'm completely lost