Struggling again today 😔. Does anyone else feel like there is never time to process anything? Like, it's always someone else's time, never mine. Lots of people very close to me have had very difficult years. My husband unexpectedly lost his wonderful Dad in May, and his Mum has just got a dementia diagnosis so we are worried about her. My sister just had a break up of a long term relationship, and is now moving across the country to be near me which is lovely but very overwhelming for her and she has a lot of stress and anxiety related to it. One good friend is in the midst of an awful divorce, another is imminently going to divorce. I'm hearing about these things all the time and trying to be supportive but I'm struggling so much myself, like most of the time I feel like I'm barely getting through the day but because my issues are largely historical I feel like I can't talk about them. Not that I dealt with them at the time either! The house is a constant mess, I'm just about able to function but the dissociation and depression and anxiety are a daily issue. My youngest has extremely challenging behaviour at present, likely related to his medical trauma, so we have been trying to work on that and it's been really hard. We've lost all the people that are a support with the kids so it's just us trying to deal with never a break and we're both shattered. On top of that I have been trying to deal with trauma and grief from the last 6 years with my Mum dying, my Dad's narcissistic abuse, my son being in hospital for 7 months as a baby, my FIL's death and two of my grandparents, and lockdown which I had ptsd from, and having unearthed childhood abuse which I wasn't aware of and needing to reparent my inner child. And it's just way too much alongside parenting and working part time. This has been my 30s and I'm so tired of it to be honest 😔.

I can’t go back to visit my husband’s parents or childhood friends now (he is American, we are both gay, I am trans).

People even in my country have starting saying shit like ‘now we can crush the wokes’ and I know that’s code for me.

Violence against trans people keeps increasing, and I’m scared my husband is going to get pulled back into the US for national service. I have recurring flashbacks and intrusive thoughts about the gore and violence I’ve seen being enacted around the world.

I can’t imagine a future where I don’t constantly feel in danger. I’m so so so tired of just barely surviving all my life. I want to live and feel joy and peace and hope.

I feel scared to go to sleep, but I feel scared every time I wake up.

I’ve recently noticed that when I’m with my boyfriend (ldr) I tend to to feel safe, which is probably normal for a healthy relationship, but when I notice that I’m feeling really safe I feel the need to tear up or cry. And it’s not like I didn’t feel that safe as a child (although that might be just me not knowing what actually feeling completely safe is) and I’m just wondering if anyone else has something similar?

Hi,

I've been offered the chance to moderate a podcast program for "exxers" across religious groups/ movements/ cults/ conspiracy groups. 

Theme:

To help us become agents of change in our new and past societies through sharing our first-hand, practical information on, for example;

• how to influence friends/ families to accept our views
• handle rejection
• overcome religious trauma
• create change movements

 Topic information will be sourced from reliable and original places like neuroscience; bios of well-known & less-well known experts in these domains; subreddit discussions (e.g. r/ entrepreneur & -experts); and Alinsky's citizen handbook with rules on how to change the world.

I'm new to this, so I would love your feedback on how I can improve this plan.
Also, if you'd like to be part of this, either DM me and/ or join .

Thanks!

i’m a highly sensitive person that was abused and traumatised

i thought i was autistic since i most clearly showed so many symptoms of autism but turns out i am an hsp.

being a hsp daughter of a covert narcissistic mother couldn’t be far from hell.

i was a playground of the narcissist and there was nothing the narcissist loved more.

i developed maladaptive dreaming disorder at the age of 4 as a form of dissociation.

by the time i was 12years old i was so traumatised to the point that i just had trouble concentrating in classes or anything and i dissociated from reality on a regular basis.

when i was 18, i was already in college and struggled so much with getting through college since i lacked discipline and consistency in studying and i couldn’t even seat for an hour on my desk to study. by then my bipolarity has already kicked in. i was showing so many traits of my mothers bipolarity in me.

i moved out at 21 but had to move back in due to my financial situation.

now im finally ready to move out again and i will be doing that at the end of this month.

i’ll finally heal and take care of my mental health so that i dont have burnouts and overstimulation and fall into depressions.

Everyone around me says it's bad, like it's taboo. I think I will be alone forever and I might be fine with that because that's all I've ever known. But does it mean that I will never be happy or will I ever be able to find peace and happiness even though I have no one with me?

I’ve been struggling with feelings of pain and injustice due to past hurts and the damage done to me by others. It’s difficult to let go of the hurt when people close to me have caused harm, whether it’s through betrayal, dishonesty, or mistreatment. I often wonder if karma or some form of divine justice will eventually catch up with those who have wronged me, or if they will simply go unpunished for their actions.

I’ve been trying to understand how the concept of justice works when it comes to those who harm others. In particular, I wonder if it’s right to hope for some kind of retribution or consequences for those who have caused harm, or if I should focus instead on forgiveness, healing, and moving forward. Is it natural to want justice, or should I just release the need for it and let things unfold as they will?

I’m also curious if there are any spiritual practices, mantras, meditations, or rituals that can help guide me toward inner peace or help bring about karmic balance. Specifically, are there ways to feel more at peace with the injustices I’ve faced, and help restore balance in my life?

At the heart of my question is the struggle between wanting justice for the wrongs I’ve faced and trying to cultivate a sense of peace within myself, free from anger or resentment. What do others think about this? Should I focus more on forgiveness and moving forward, or is it okay to hope for karmic retribution for those who have hurt me?

I’d really appreciate any insights or advice based on your own experiences, spiritual practices, or philosophical perspectives. Thank you.

Are there any specific symptoms you experience that you think are linked/know are Linked to CPTSD?

Your trauma will destroy your partner in unimaginable ways and then there will be two trauma patients and then you both will apart. This is a pain that can be ranked among top 3 kind of emotional pains in the world. Do yourself a favor. Keep away from relationships untill decent healing.

No amount of LOVE can heal trauma. Love will only make things worst and open new doorways for more trauma. Only professional healing and it takes full life commitment.

Something that I know is abnormal for the average family is to have a family member sleep on the couch long-term out of choice when they have a very nice bed and bedroom to sleep in. My mother (45) has been sleeping on the couch for at least 3 years now out of choice rather than necessity. Please note that my mother is not only mentally ill but also physically ill. She has several chronic illnesses but is capable of walking, going upstairs, etc. This has also evolved into taking over the living room as a personal bedroom space, ie. changing, keeping many bedroom items in the living room, controlling tv, etc. I always assumed the reason was because of her physical ailments but after talking to my best friend and girlfriend who experienced childhood trauma from their parents, specifically mothers, their mothers also did this for decades before their deaths.

My friend’s theory involved the mother needing a sense of control but not having that control they necessarily want so something like controlling a living room, a place of family gathering, is the closest they can get to controlling other people beyond verbal and emotional abuse. My friend and girlfriend also questioned if it’s on an evolutionary level of claiming territory where there are fundamental resources close by like the kitchen and there is a need to claim that territory as head of the household hold and ultimately having a controlling aspect on others in the household.

I was wondering if anyone else had or are currently having this issue with one of their parents. Please note that all three of our mothers have significantly impacted our cptsd and all three of our mothers suffer/ed from some sort of mental illness so that’s another level of complexity that I can’t just ignore.

This is just something I was wanting to know was a coincidence or a common trend amongst traumatizing parents.

I read a lot of different posts on here where people experience intrusive thoughts about self-harm, but I wonder if anyone also experiences my specific flavor of intrusive thought.

When I'm finished with a stressful task (having to do a job interview, having to talk to property management or some other authority in my life) the thing that pops into my head after the fact has always been "kill me".

It's not that I want to hurt myself or others, quite the opposite, it's like a plea to be put out of my misery.

The best theory I have is that after years of having my parents threaten to kill me, I snapped at some point and called their bluff, telling them to just kill me already then. Now it's stuck, replaying in my head over and over again over the last 30 years.

It's like the cringe feeling dialed up to 100 where I feel so disgusted with myself or overwhelmed with the situation that it pops into my head involuntarily.

Disclaimer: No, I'm not in need of immediate help or in any danger, I'm just thinking about things and wishing I could get to the bottom of why that specific phrase pops into my head, but not other people's. Also, I don't actually want anyone to kill me, so to all of the cannibals and serial killers out there, move along.... move along... nothing to see here.

My dad passed away recently. I know he loved me and have many good memories but they're mixed with abuse and fear I had growing up. He was abusive and it wasn’t unconditional love. Him, mom and sister abused me in many ways. I'm closeted trans guy. It's hard to process this.

3 years ago dad started touching my genitals as a ''joke'' when I was 15-16. We would hit eachother on backside as a joke but he did inappropriate thing when drunk and after some time he started touching my genitals. He touched when we were in elevator with mom. Once I pushed his hand when we were alone in room and he did again. He scratched my legs after that. I told mom on phone that he touched me between legs and she didn't believe. She said he wasn't like that dads who beat kids. Mom and dad kept making fun of me. Almost year later mom also SA-ed me.

They brought up what I said about dad again after 2 years. I said what mom did which she denied and said it couldn't be abuse to me because I thought I was a boy. She said I needed psychologist for having such thoughts. Them and older sister were mad and gaslighting me.

He cried that time, called me stupid and said family loves me the most. He said if I was boy then I needed girl and I nodded as a joke. They went to work and when they got home mom said there are some men texting kids online. Mom told me I made him worry and that 51 year old man’s heart almost stopped beating in car.

Like a year ago I ran away with police because mom called me on phone threatening to arrest theoretical LGBTQ+ Satanists p*dos for making me that way because I changed Facebook name to boy name and said she would take me to psychologist. Police were disgusting. Before parents and grandpa got there mom told me on phone that sister and her programmer friends found everything and every awful comments. That was about my second facebook account where I was in groupchat of trans men 2 of whom sent me lawyer’s number. By awful comments she meant comments under my vent about family in ftm subreddit. Parents lied that it was because they couldn’t control me online. We got home. Sister verbally abused me. She told me I couldn't chose a name cause I had different names on different accounts. I did that because I expected her stalking. It was disgusting. they kept bringing up that day and verbally abusing me nonstop.

I had called lawyer maybe weeks before that because I wanted advice. Lawyer was unhelpful and unserious.

Dad cried after I got home from police maybe regretted but I got blamed again for everything. They acted LGBT* organizations wanted me to put mom in jail and ruin their family. Actually I only signed warning so she wouldn't take me to psychologist. I remembered later dad also did something inappropriate when I was 7 and 8.

I saw dreams and coincidences before and after he passed away that make me believe in afterlife. I hope he is in better place but I wish things were different and they supported me. Mom and sister are still the same. the day he passed away mom told me dad was worried about me closing off because of screamy music and that I made him worry that day I called police.

When me, mom, sister and aunt were looking at photos in my dad’s phone few days ago and they kept asking me to grow out my hair. Sister said that she was saying again how beautiful I was.

Then they saw photo of me with bangs at 13-14 and sister made fun of me again. That was time I wanted bangs like boy but didn’t get and it was first time I felt I looked like boy a bit. They didn’t even let me have that.Then they saw photo of me with very long hair.

I left living room. Mom and sister definitely knew I was uncomfortable. Mom told me about sister she says she will punch me but that's in loving way.

Another day they were talking about kindergarten experiences and mom said I only walked 5 days and I was punched maybe twice. Then sister’s boyfriend asked if it was opposite and i said no. Sister said I was claiming and repeating I had trauma and that she got stabbed in eye by kid in kindergarten. Actually last time I brought that up was 3 years ago and didn’t since that since they didn’t take it seriously. I left kitchen.

I’m not good with kids and my parents raised me to be dysfunctional and dead inside. Although I’m doing better now, whenever I do see my niece, I still struggle to be kind and empathetic to her.

She’s a very hyperactive kid and is a child of divorce, so she tends to do whatever she can to make sure the attention is always on her. I understand why she does the things she does, and that she’s a child, but I am super noise sensitive and get overstimulated easily.

She screams non-stop if you do not give her attention. She regularly takes stuff from my house and tried to take my Nintendo Switch last time, and then threw a tantrum and cried to her mom that I wouldn’t let her have it. I have worked so hard to have the things I have, and it stresses me out seeing her grab whatever she likes and take it.

She harasses my cat, chases her, screams at her, etc. She calls her mom “loser” and is an iPad kid so the language she uses is not very nice sometimes and is based off the TikToks she watches. She litters in public. When she is disciplined by adults she either cries or doubles down and continues the behavior.

Her mom is exhausted and tends to just let her do whatever she wants. She’ll yell out a half-hearted “stop doing that!” but the kid doesn’t listen.

I’m hiding in my room today because they came over and I need a breather. She wants my attention and to play with her, but the few times I have, she tends to just tell me what to do and then won’t let me leave when I need a break.

I feel guilty, because I’m sure this kid is confused, wondering why her parents are divorced, why their family is dysfunctional too. She’s just a kid. But I’m not the most mentally stable and I don’t have the patience or kindness to extend to someone else right now. It’s made me even more sure of the fact that I don’t want children.

Wondering how everyone else is, when it comes to their kids or nieces and nephews. I don’t want her to grow up and remember me as cold and indifferent, but I don’t know how to get along with her. I tend to get along with kids that are calmer and like books, and enjoy having dialogue with them. But with my own niece it’s so hard.

Hi everyone.

The last few months have been completely nerve breaking. I am a victim of narcissistic family abuse, as many of us are.

I gave up my university studies (at least temporarily) in favour of working more hours at work, and I had a good, solid plan of moving in with my friend (whom I know online) to a town far away from my abusers. Somewhere they would never find me. Unfortunately everything from here onward came crashing down.

As it turned out, the room he promised me wasn't actually available, as his parents stubbornly refused to offer any help. They were aware of my situation to some degree, but refused to let me stay in their house, even temporarily. I then made plans to live in my car in the area and lean on my friend for support while I got on my feet, and we would both get full time jobs to split rent on a shitty place around his town. I had an internal transfer lined up in my shitty retail job. As things unfolded, it became apparent to me that my best friend, whom I have known for ~3 years, albeit online but to a greater depth than any other friend I have ever had was also hard coping with his own problems, but refused to try to help himself. Nothing I offered, listening or talking or getting him help was being taken. These issues were affecting me, as I was his only effective support too, and it was draining. I made the very difficult decision to cut contact with him after discussing this, as I have worked too fucking long and hard on myself to let anyone around me bring me down. This is a decision I still struggle with in terms of regret. I think it was healthy but I haven't felt this much grief or anguish since my brother's death years ago.

Naturally the plan of moving to his town and living in my car fell through. This happened merely a month or so before my (planned) big escape. I quickly scrambled trying to find another option, because I could not and cannot stay in this household. I have been victim to all kinds of abuse in some regard, name it and I've experienced it. I ended up asking another friend who I know far less but who had a spare room available if I could move in. Planned it all out, got my job transfer re-aligned and paperwork sorted. Last week this friend said a really shitty remark about how I "don't have it that bad, kids are dying in wars bro". I confronted him and told him that shit was hurtful, and he barely scrapped together an apology and basically said it was on me for feeling that way. I decided I couldn't live with him either.

I immediately told my manager about the news that I wouldn't be able to move/transfer, and he more or less gave me a little talk about how my "safety is the biggest priority", but then followed it up with needing us to have a meeting with the area manager, as this whole "yo-yoing" as he called it could really effect the stability of the business. Note that I am a casual employee and I barely get 20 hours a week, with plenty of other staff ready to take shifts.

So in the meanwhile, I am without work while we get the paperwork re-transferred back to my home store, and I am spending a lot of time at home. I have no true friends to lean on. No one to vent to. My less deep friends online are either upset with my constant attention seeking, or don't really respond, don't ask how I'm doing, don't give advice or an ear to lend. I am more lonely than I have been in a long time. I have only my beautiful cats that I will have to abandon some day - I can't afford to keep them. They are the only tether keeping me grounded, and give me joy and hope for a better future. My plan is to work as much as I can, save enough to get an AirBnB in a new city, find a (less) shitty retail job, get into a flatshare and finish my degree so I can try to afford a rental to myself.

I am in such despair. It seems impossible to tolerate everything happening around me, especially without any support. I have the consistent urge to throw my phone into the wall, and sometimes a call of the deep to just ram my car into a wall. But I have some warped, twisted, in built mechanism that tells me I can't give up. If theres one silver lining to my abuse, its that I've never been allowed to quit.

Thanks for reading

Mine would either pretend that I don't exist or sit near me with an annoyed face. Or angrily interrogate me.

When I was a kid my mom would sometimes beat me or scream like a banshee for dumbest reasons. If I was crying it would make her rage and she would either slap me or walk away with an angry face and ignore me for hours or days while also making loud noises, slamming doors and throwing things at me (a very mature way to treat your child). If I was just sad or had wet eyes (I learned to suppress crying) in public it would make my mom rage much worse. She would slap me when no one could see and angrily whisper things like "do you even understand how bad you make me look". So I learned to never be upset or cry to protect myself from her random rages.

During her most "caring" moments of comforting me she would roll her eyes, sigh and cut me off. "Everything is going to be fine! so stop sulking and be normal". My emotions have always been uncomfortable for her.

It downed on me today that I was never allowed to show any kind of "negative" emotions and this might be the reason behind emotional numbness

I was admitted to the hospital yesterday after being brought to the ER in an ambulance because of a doctor's mistake that caused an intestinal blockage.

I still don't know if I'll need additional tests, but yesterday it seemed to be going better after they treated the blockage.

Well last night (I was sleeping so I woke up to it this morning) my father sent me a text that reads:

"Eat less crap and do sport"

That's it. No goodnight, no asking how I'm doing. It's always my fault in his world. I feel like a brick hit me in the stomach. I know he's not a good dad, but why do I keep expecting and hoping something different?

I’m a black woman from Louisiana who was adopted at birth by a white, Christian couple. I suffered emotional and physical abuse for as long as I can remember. Despite this, I’ve felt guilty cutting my parents off. Therefore, I drove the 3 hours home with my husband to share a meal for my dad’s birthday. When we sat down to eat, I made a comment about not liking my steak too rare — to which my father replied “well sorry it isn’t Church’s Chicken!!” I froze, but shook it off thinking I read into it.

My mom then laughed and joined in saying, “the watermelon was on sale today too!! Should’ve known you’d prefer that.” When my husband and I gasped and said how racist that was, my father responded with: “this is Trump’s America again. Get used to it.”

…I think that might be the last time I go “home.” I only recently realized how abusive my childhood was (what master manipulators) so cutting them off felt so dramatic, but I’m not so sure anymore.

I'll start from the beginning as I remember it. I was left at a boarding school at about seven years old because my parents had to leave the country. I don't blame them; it was for the best. I was very young, so of course, I peed the bed. The people at the boarding school started putting peppers in my vagina so I felt the pain when I peed. Eventually, my aunt took me in.

I was abused physically and was punished for very normal things kids did at the time. One time, she was complaining about her husband. For some reason, I thought it was funny so I told him. One of my relatives slapped me really hard twice. This is the first example of the abuse I faced that came to mind. I had many male relatives who would take their anger out on me for my childish behaviors. But still, I had an attachment to my aunt.

Fast forward, I left the country to live with my parents at 12. Neither one of my parents was ever there for me. They had jobs, and I was basically home alone. I'm pretty sure I've spent every Christmas and Thanksgiving in America by myself.

Eventually, I started using social media excessively and started watching porn at a very young age. Now, I'm very addicted to porn and social media.

My mom was very neglectful and emotionally abusive. Whenever I would do something wrong, she would refuse to talk to me. This happened multiple times over the last 7 years. The longest one being a year and the shortest one being a couple of months. When this happens, eventually, she would blame my dad for my behavior and pick fights with him and once called the cops on him, and sometimes he ended up not talking to him too. Then my dad would also stop speaking to me until I would eventually apologize for whatever it was that I did.

I went on my first diet when I was 12. My mom convinced me that I was fat, so we walked to the grocery store together to buy things. When there, the cashier told me I was beautiful just the way I am, and my mom told me not to listen to her.

I was bullied a lot in middle school because I was never taught proper hygiene, and my classmates thought I stunk. Also, in middle school, once a high schooler gave me her lipstick, and I put it on and felt pretty. When I got home, my mom was so mad and kept yelling at me, I ended up locking myself in the bathroom. She kept pounding on the door, and now I'm 18 years old, I still don't know how to do my makeup mostly because I was afraid to learn and because I didn't feel pretty enough.

One time, I was crying because I missed my aunt back home, and my mom kept screaming at me and saying that she sacrificed a lot for me. Sometimes, when my mom and I would get into a fight, she would record me being upset, take pictures of any written apologies, or call her friends to badmouth me. And I would still be forced to apologize.

In high school, I tried to get involved in sports, but my parents would either forget to pick me up or say I didn't tell them, and eventually, I quit. I played that sport for 3 years, but I don't think they can name it. I would go to school in the morning, crying all the time because I was so lonely in that house, and I would have dreams of committing suicide and walls closing in on me. I didn't have friends in high school that genuinely liked me until senior year. I had a friend who genuinely thought I was so stupid and treated me like crap. She would laugh at me when I got answers wrong in class and once got mad at me when I was upset with her.

At my first job, I made the mistake of thinking my coworkers were my friends. I vented to them a lot about my family. But one of them literally started treating me like crap the minute I started standing up for myself, starbagort my chance of getting a new high paying job and I eventually quit my job.

I'm 18 years old now, and a lot of my childhood consumes me. I spend most of my day fantasizing about taking revenge on the people who have wronged me or just disassociating from the world in general. I really want to have my own family that understands me and loves me for who I am, but I don't know who I am and I can't even make friends with others. I've been in and out of therapy since sophomore year of high school, but I still feel I'm not getting any better. I keep self-sabotaging in college. It's hard for me to have motivation for anything because I have no passions for anything. I also sometimes feel like my therapist  doesn't understand me  because of our cutrually differences but it's been 4 months at this point so I'm afraid to switch. Any advice for my life and how to get better.

Who else is in the “should be dead or in jail, and or totally deranged” club and still kicking?? When you come from certain circumstances and families, it’s as if you’re set up to fail, to harm yourself/others, to be a POS.

But We’re out here surviving. I’m a 23M that lives alone, it’s not easy. One thing I’ve realized is that I’m kinda ignorant/uneducated on life stuff, job stuff, just general experience really. I try not to get upset about it or beat myself up, and realize that I’m lucky to be here. That I can use what I’ve been through to sympathize with others, and try and be a decent human.

When I get stressed or overwhelmed I shut down, it's hard to keep my eyes open and I self punish, shut myself out of the would, deny myself anything, and then have an anxiety attack while repeatedly going over everything in my head.

Of course it's doesn't fix anything, but when I'm having these moments I can't help but to think "everyone leaves anyways" and think about how plausible it is to just do suicide.

Sometimes these episodes last for hours.

I'm in one of those episodes rn. And everyone close just feels so far away. Idk what to do.

My abuser sent me this. I don't know how to take it, it's been about a decade since. For reason I have changed a name and a couple words, R is my older brother.

Hey, it's me. You blocked me and I didn't know how to reach you. Look I can never be forgiven for what I did. But I wasn't right in the mind, I'll explain in a bit. I don't expect any forgiveness or anything nor am I excusing anything I did, but please let me explain how it happened. Trust me I've never forgotten either, I've remembered both what happened to me and you. I have been actively punishing myself because I believe that I don't deserve happiness. I have avoided having any type of relationships and starting a family because I truly believe I don't deserve it. I've been doing my best to help other and trying to be as kind as I can. I'm sure none of that matters to you as it really doesn't affect you, but please know I have been trying to be a better person to others rather than myself. I have even attempted suicide although I couldn't commit to it. Again I don't expect forgiveness or anything, I'm not going to excuse myself either, I did what I did and I cannot change that. But please hear my experience as it might give reason to it, again not an excuse.

It started when I was 4 or 5, a family member of ours (nobody immediate, think cousin or something) showed me porn for the first time, and made me masturbate with them. This happened multiple time. Around age 6, R started to sa me. I didn't know if it was right or wrong, I saw what happened in the pornos and saw they felt good and thought it was a good thing too. This happened for many years. Before it stopped, I remember I was at your house, it was night time, and I was going to go into the kitchen to get water, but I saw the TV on. I saw you and your dad on the couch and he was watching porn on the TV with you next to him, I don't remember the ages but you weren't a baby but still small.

The last time R did anything was when your parents were going to the store with you and your sister, and asked if I wanted to stay or go. I said stay. This was the last time with R. From there I was about 8 or 9 or something, I missed the feeling that occurred when R used to do what he did. It wasn't until we were at my house with our cousins, it was 4 or 5 of us and you were trying to kiss everyone on the lips, I am now starting to think this is due to what you were forced to watch as a kid on TV, as you were probably just doing what you saw.

That's when it started, I didn't know if it was something wrong or right, I just thought it was suppose to be a secret, since that's what I thought with R. I wish I would have never done that, I wish I would have stopped before anything happened, I cannot change the past unfortunately, no matter how much I wish I could. As I got older I start to understand it wasn't right to do that, again I'm sorry I took too long to realize. I should have apologize sooner, I didn't know how I could though, I knew you hated me, I knew I fucked up, I knew I hated myself, because I hated what R did to me too, but I realized all that too late. I could have apologized sooner, but I didn't know how to, I still don't, and I doubt I can do anything to change your opinion of me, and I understand that too because that's how I feel about R. I don't think I'll ever be able to live without the memories of the events that happened to me since i was 4. I have tried to forget them, all of them, but I cannot as I'm sure you can't either.

Look there is nothing I can do to take back anything from the past, I will continue to live with both the shame and guilt I have, I will continue to punish myself by not allowing myself to be happy. Trust me nobody hates me more than I hate myself. I understand if you still want to hurt me, hell I want to hurt R, but I won't because it won't help me in anyway, I have been trying to live despite it happening, i don't forgive him nor will i forget it, but i will do my best to continue living and helping people whenever i can because of it. I'm sorry I put you through that, you didn't deserve it, I wish I could have broke the cycle, but I couldn't. I hope you did. I hope you can continue living your life and become who you want to be. I hope you can start a family and be proud of them. I'm sorry for all the harm I have caused you, I wished I could understand what I was doing when I was younger and prevent myself from doing so. If you still feel you need to do what you said in your message I understand. This will be too much to ask for but if you could, just let me know before hand, if im going, I'd like to ask R why he did what he did to me. If not I understand. Again I cannot apologize enough, you deserved better. I'm sorry, I will forever be sorry.

Does anyone else have a hard time being in public alone? Every time I’m by myself doing things I usually enjoy, I feel a sudden urge to rush myself and find a safe space. I don’t feel like I’m actually there at all either.

I find myself being more aware of my surroundings and becoming afraid and getting in my own head. Especially if I’m anywhere alone at night. I end up looking behind me SOOO much, but when I’m with someone, I am hardly ever scared, and end up enjoying my time more. It’s like I don’t know how to function by myself and it’s so uncomfortable.

How do you cope with triggers that you dont know you have? Context: I have seen several therapists that told me to just develop some hobbies or exercise or something stuff like that. As much as that helps my mental health it doesn't really help with my triggers. Personally I have this thing with "leave me alone." When I say it and somebody doesn't leave me alone I immediately go into flight or fight and there's not much I can do to save myself from that and somebody usually gets hurt, and it's usually the other person by me. I don't know how to make it stop. Usually it's just somebody I love trying to make sure that I'm okay. I know that those words should be respected, but I really just want to know how I can get a better grip on handling those situations. Is there anything that you guys do to help yourselves with triggers? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I can only speak for myself, but my existence is hellish to the extreme, and there isn't a single reason that can justify me continuing to hold on to a "life", that can otherwise barely be defined as such.

Although, it's not as if most anyone here, or elsewhere, are ever willing to acknowledge that. Instead they either gaslight me with a cliched barrage of "solutions", or they dismiss me for being a weakling who isn't trying hard enough, and that's otherwise giving into "defeatism". Most people are so hellbent on treating everything like it's fixable, even in all those times/examples where it's revealed as the complete and utter garbage that it is. When it comes down to it, they're only saying this ridiculous crap in an attempt to shore up their own ideological biases, and thus they really don't give a shit whether what you, or I, are going through is actually fixable or not. In my case, the situation I'm in is no different than anyone else who's found themselves stuck in an irreparably dire predicament, whether that's being stuck on a sinking submarine, or being stranded at the top of a frigid mountain. Scream, cry, run around like your hair's on fire, or draw up some delusional plans about how best to escape the inescapable. The water will still rush into your lungs all the same. The hypothermia will still blacken your extremities before sending you into an eternal sleep. At least in those examples, the end comes swiftly. With this, it's like a slow motion execution.

When all's said and done, I've been like this for way too fucking long. Nobody will ever understand, accept, or love me for who I am. I'm just a husk wishing I could crumble to dust. I've been isolated for 15+ fucking years. How in the HELL am I ever going to be able to meet others who wouldn't be deeply put off by that? Not even severe drug addicts are at this much of a disadvantage, socially speaking. I really can't stress enough how much I wish I had been an abortion.

I have struggled with eye contact, mostly in the last year. I don't fully know why, but I have an idea. I feel like my anxiety from trauma makes me scared of staring people in the eyes because it can come off as challenging, I do have a history of looking at my abusers and recieving a "HEY!! WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME FOR???"

My shame makes me not want to look at people because I feel like they hate me and are creeped out by me, even when they really aren't.

I grew up so traumatized and crippled socially that I just got used to being alone. I don't think of myself as arrogant but I have a strong dislike of people.

In particular, I find that even if others seem "soft hearted," I don't take to them and can experience strong feelings of rejection (toward them), and also disgust and fear. This is context specific, not something that always happens. Although when I follow my own advice, and I distance myself from those people but keep it "nice," I find people "boring."

I grew up in a toxic family where one of the types of abuse that I was exposed to was sexual abuse. I was lifelong rejected, shamed, and people joined in on humiliating me further, many times in direct favor of the people who molested me. It wasn't just one person, and the family overall was full of creeps. There was something of a high tolerance for that type of thing. This is why I'm closed off and proud of it. Because I was put in such a painful situation of experiencing what's seen as "the worst possible type of abuse" but then revictimized as a rule by the rest of society.

It's a failure to understand the issue. People think they're outside those dynamics, but I see them as uncaring and sometimes willfully ignorant. I think it's bizarre how people root for taking revenge on this type of person, but they would never dream of casting doubt on anyone they know, or giving a lot of victims the benefit of the doubt. It's like they don't see how they could be entangled or which societal standards contribute. They fail to understand "rape culture," to put it in those terms.

I don't want to blindly be dismissive, but I hate toxic positivity, especially when a lot of people have their own issues or are self serving in their desire to be liked.

Another fear that I deal with is to end up surrounded by "enablers" or people who don't take accountability in a passive way. One example... Many years ago, I worked in a daycare center, but I could only put up with it for a day. It was a small business and the owner was a person who gave off an aura of being deeply caring or nice, but for reasons unknown to me, she was enabling another disturbed woman in charge of actually engaging with the kids, running the day to day alongside the children. Those kids were being traumatized. I pretty much was bullied out. The woman who was the actual carer was petty, trying to make me feel insignificant, just ridiculous, kind of a run of the mill narcissist.

There was a little girl who was part of the class who was obviously being neglected and spent the whole day with her head down, not looking at anyone, and the rest of the class acted like she didn't exist. There was this invisible barrier and people kept a certain distance from her. The woman in charge was the type of person to want to pick on me, and was just one of those people who seems to immediately be in contact with your deep seated insecurities. My gut told me that she probably encouraged the class to ostracize the little girl. If I was in charge, meaning in the place of the owner, I would do whatever it took to get that woman fired. She would be my job. Why put those kids at risk? I can't wrap my head around the behavior of the owner, a forty year old acting like a little girl around another middle aged lady.

To be more realistic, the owner might have had her hands tied, but it's hard to make sense of it from the outside. I didn't want to be in a toxic environment so I left, and in my own way failed the little girl and the rest of the kids. But I just don't understand ascribing to that sense of morality, that you have to "keep the peace."

If I get the feeling that this is the type of "nice" that I have in front of me when I meet people, it's super triggering, and can make me spiral. Depending on how much I might want them to like me, it can be really upsetting. It's like this type of behavior triggers fears of abandonment or just makes me feel deeply upset.

I know that I have to set my own boundaries and look for people who are healthy or trying to be, but when do my issues just work to keep me isolated? The people I grew up around never changed so I don't give people many chances and work with a "take them as they are" policy. I'm worried I'll end up alone because going along with things and keeping your head down is so engrained in my culture of origin.

For about a week-ish now I’ve had the same traumatic memory in like a loop playing in my head. Almost on repeat. It’s really difficult to focus during the day or sleep at night. I have an upcoming therapy appointment already but am looking for advice on how to get any relief from that. Truly it’s mainly so I can sleep. Side note I’m an addict in recovery so I’m super limited (by choice) on anything I can take to help me sleep. I am used to the occasional flashback, nightmare, activated response, etc. I am not used to it being the same specific memory nor used to it being on repeat like this. Any and all suggestions welcome and appreciated.

What is this? How and why does it happen?

Sometimes, if I'm talking about something (especially my trauma) and I start experiencing emotions or start crying, I will lose my train of thought very suddenly and be quite numb/dissociated for a few seconds and then suddenly feel completely fine. I will be able to talk again normally but without any emotions.

It's not that I've consciously turned them off (in fact, I often wish I could feel these emotions) and it doesn't even feel like they're still there but more hidden. It feels like they're completely gone.

I know this is obviously some kind of defense mechanism but why does it happen and how?

I am a 24M and am currently struggling in figuring how to prevent myself from being extremely defensive when my partner comes to me regarding her issues. I dont feel malicious intent and I have never once thought to myself "oh im going to save this for when shes mad at me", however, through many of our disputes over the time we've been together she has mentioned that I do this during our arguments. I found it hard to admit but after her explaining it to me, I found that I actually am doing it and I feel absolutely terrible. I feel like this is something that I developed early on however I really want to overcome it and be more open to hearing my partners as well as anyone else's issues that involve me without becoming overbearingly defensive. I am open to accepting any advice and giving any more details you may need to get a clearer understanding.

I'm curious, if anybody wants to share just a little about when they realized something was wrong, and maybe how long you've known to essentially try to find what it was or working on things?

For me, it was 2024, a year long slow burn with new baby, and a mental breakdown. What I found with my counselor is diagnosis of CPTSD. For a while I thought maybe I'm Bi-polar, maybe I'm secretly a narcissit and was panicking my empathy wasn't real and I was my father, split personality, or bpd. My counselor said CPTSD from what you've said, how you react, explained why. And I've been scouring information and its left me going "Suhmah Bish" those are things I've been doing since forever really. Looking at memories, and three key things. Possible inheritance of predisposition to depression, from born to age 5 or 6 debilitating ear infections, generational grief from a car accident 18 months before I was born. Just in the beginning the deck was stacked against. But I'm just now at 34 figuring everything out, taking those first steps. Though I feel like I'm doing it jumping into the deep end without knowing how to swim.