Art. I did it all the time when I was younger. I got really good at it too. I now realize it was a HUGE coping mechanism. After getting into a happier life that doesn’t require a distraction all the time and denial I have found myself not desiring to continue as much. I will of course do it from time to time. Especially if I get into the mood for it because I will if I want to but it’s always semi private now or super rare as a post. Anytime it’s online now it’s a reply to someone else (those are fun in a good way). What was your hard to let go hobby that was a cope or what was your weird realization into healing?

But did anyone else after suffering with overinvolved/overexcited parents for years on end WANT them to emotionally neglect you?

Like if you just woke up one day and they just suddenly didn't give 2 fucks about you it would be an improvement?

Hello, I have CPTSD due to a repeated severe illness that I had to be treated for as a child. Basically I had cancer (leukemia) twice, once when I was four and then again when I was eight. Anyway, going through chemotherapy at such a young age kind of messed me up both physically and emotionally. I was sick for my entire childhood, in and out of hospital, etc. Then as a teen, I was in and out of mental health facilities. Things have been pretty difficult. But the thing is I've never met anyone who has gone through anything even remotely similar. So I guess that's why I'm making this post. Does anyone else have CPTSD, or something similar, after going through medical hell as a kid? What has that been like for you? How are you doing now?

I really can't take it anymore, what I'm going through is too much to live with, there are no ways to cope helping anymore. I did not choose this hell, so why do I have to endure it and live with it? Euthanasia is a human right for every human being, and preventing it is a clear violation of human rights.

one thing I really hate about cptsd is getting irritated by quite literally the smallest things sometimes. just bc I’m a little bit on edge I’d be irritated over the tiniest thing to the point where i have mini rage episodes and/or begin to become unhappy over my entire existence. i feel insecure about these moments as if i should be better - it’s so frustrating and mentally taxing as a result sometimes. i wish i didn’t have to deal with this sometimes. 😭

DAE relate?

It just popped up on Spotify and I scrolled down to the artist info and it talked about how her songs tackled child abuse and that song in particular is about her complicated relationship with her mother.

🤯🤯🤯🤯

I've belted that song a hundred times and never listened to the words very much, and this hit like a lightning bolt. If anybody is feeling up to it, when you listen to that song in the mind of a little kid with an abusive mom, it sounds exactly like my experiences of getting the silent treatment all my life. I've tried explaining to my husband that it wasn't a relief to have her leave me alone, and how that feeling in that moment does feel like the world is literally ending and you would do anything in the whole world to make it stop. And that's in the song.

TL; DR:
Like when you cannot produce a thought on some complex topic you don't know about, I was unable to read people's behaviors and my basic desires even at very simple level.

I was unable to read myself. I was just logically reasoning what I should do, then I was doing it. Like, I chose my major and my work by doing that.
I know I don't have SPD, AvPD or BPD. I was checked out and got a very detailed assesment.

It's coming from long lasting traumas.

Does anyone experience this before?

Long Version :

I always thought I have low emotional intelligence, but I realize that I was unable to even produce a second thought on why people behave in some way. The basic though chains you know, cause and effect. There were none on my mind.

I was always direct and open to other people by thinking it's because "I'm honest".

However, the cause that I was unable to analyze basic interactions. If it's purely about a technical problem, I was so efficient and intelligent.
But, let's say a person hint on something (like a girl liking me, or a friend implying something, a complex behavioral discussion) I was so clueless.
I was even got mad silently like "why people are so sneaky and discretive?"

Well, they weren't !

I was unable to think. I was keeping my mouth shut on my entire childhood because my grandparents were so abusive, only way to walk away is just silencing myself for a couple of hours daily. For my entire childhood and teenage years.
Grandma was a pure narcissist.

Besides, the family I love -mother,sister,older brother- telling the overly exaggerated sad version of the stories. (stories like traumatic events)

My family told every story in a black & white aspect. Like the others were evil and they were angels.

I think I was aware of those stories was bullshit mostly but couldn't reason, and also they were still quite traumatic in the original versions.

So my family were right to feel traumatic but they were exceedingly exaggerate stories to make them pure victim.

They were also so insistent, like every day they were talking about quite pessimistic and traumatic events that happened in the past. I wasn't even question them.

Then, one day their lies make me so sick and I got mad. I was angrily question everything and I realize many things I believe without questioning was a comical lies.
I missed so many events, so many clues that happened to me in workplace and by friends.

I realized I ditched very good people and act silent on the wrong things done by other people to me.

Because I wasn't aware and unable to reason.

I didn't expect to be triggered at a folk/indie music concert, but apparently all things are possible.

I'm typing this as I cry in my room, trying to recover from the moment, but it feels impossible. I don't even know why. I know what triggered it -- a mosh pit -- but I don't know why the mosh pit itself was so upsetting to me. Maybe from all the times the old men touched me when I didn't want them to, and I felt out of control? Maybe just the chaos and noise and oversensoryness of it all.

My partner likes to edge us to the front of the concert venue, which is... Fine. I have bad joints and my back and feet hurt, but I can tolerate it for a few hours. What I can't tolerate is a mosh pit forming behind me seemingly out of nowhere. I didn't expect it with this genre of music, but the crowd got rowdy and started pitching around. This was probably just a baby mosh pit too, nothing super crazy, but because it was my first and I didn't expect it, it caught me completely off guard and I panicked.

I got swept up in it with no sense of where I was, and I tried to fight against being pushed, which probably made it worse. I tried to reach for my partner behind me but couldn't hang onto him for more than a second before getting shoved again. It was so disorienting. Thankfully, it didn't last long, but I knew afterward my night had been ruined. All I wanted was to run outside, gulp down some fresh air, and cry. But I just kept sitting there staring at the stage, fighting back tears, trying to breathe deeply so I wouldn't have an actual panic attack.

My partner really loves this artist and bought the tickets. The mosh pit started during the third or fourth song, with over an hour left in the concert. So I shut up and tried to enjoy it the way I had been before the mosh pit swept me up. But I couldn't. And when my partner tried to talk to me, I couldn't get any words out. He asked if I was fine and I nodded, even though I obviously wasn't. I hate that I do that. I panic and just take the path of least resistance instead of stating what I need or feel. It's exactly like those situations where I was touched when I didn't want to be. I either fawned or sat as still and silently as possible, waiting for it to be over.

Just relapsed The pain is still there in my head When will it stop

Four months ago, I (17f) impulsively hit my brother (12m) once because I was annoyed, not that I believe this makes it okay. And once last year I almost hit him but stopped myself. I'm always kind to him other than this and it isn't a frequent thing. I know abuse can be unintentional and I've always known it's wrong to hit/physically hurt people. My mum agreed to talk to him for me because he'd likely feel more comfortable talking to her than me. She asked him If he's ever been scared of me, he stated no multiple times. He's always talked to our parents about anything that's upset him and the other day when I apologised to him he even told our mother then because he was so happy I spoke to him because I'm so quiet around both him and literally anyone I've ever been around. We've made it clear to him that the focus is on how he feels and has felt, he can speak honestly and that I'll be completely okay no matter what he says. I've been afraid in the past that he'd lie to avoid hurting my feelings or conflict so when asked again with this goal in mind, he said again and again that he wasn't affected by what I've done and he isn't afraid of me. He has absolutely no reason to lie.

Is how the other person been affected what determines whether or not something is abuse? This is what I've always thought but I googled the definition of an abuser: "a person who treats another person or animal with cruelty or violence", based on what I've written, am I an abuser? Obviously I'm not going to repeat my actions regardless of any label put on me or not and I'll never try and defend myself or stop trying to be a good person, but I can't rest knowing anyone could see me as a terrible person. I'm really sorry for my repeated posts but I accidentally left out information that I had completely forgotten until yesterday that could completely change people's views about myself/my posts.

Change Change is inevitable Part of the human experience part of the experience of all things Rocks wear down Seasons change We die

All the books says you’re like a broken piece of pottery Carefully mended together in gold I never really thought I would change I was so persistent and determined then But something changed Not only after what happened to me But everything that happens after it I think it took some part of me I loved so much It’s hard to let go What’s on the other side of letting go? Maybe getting to be happy? A certain kind of grief comes with letting go and with that maybe letting go of things we loved Maybe they change Who am I outside of the trauma It’s really hard to know when that’s all there has been. Is it ok to change? I held onto that version of myself for so long I felt like I had to do her justice. I kept trying to save her There is no saving her I can’t reach back in time to save her Maybe I can give her the life she deserves Maybe she deserves to be happy and loved Maybe it’s ok to accept that some part of me got broken along the way. Maybe it’s ok to know she isn’t ever going to come back.

But for the new her she can rest her head on soft pillows She can rest in her warm bed She can sleep safe in her home She can feel loved Maybe, That would be ok too

For me, zuko from avatar(ik thats dumb haha)

Recently I got into an argument with a friend of mine. I’ve been kind of avoiding this person because I find we just don’t get along, but we still talk sometimes.

They have a pattern of either sending me things online that they know I will disagree with, or they randomly make fun of things they know I like. They like a lot of things I don’t like, but I keep my opinions to myself because who am I to disturb happiness?

So the other day, they message me out of the blue and start making fun of a musician they know I enjoy. anger and frustration came over me and I responded by being super condescending about how little they know about music in general (i studied music and art history, they studied math).

They haven’t spoken to me since except to say that they feel hurt by my response. They feel I talked down to them, which honestly I did. I wasn’t nice. They weren’t nice either, but I played a part.

Half of me feels like I need to apologize for my part, the other half feels like I’m back in old shoes, allowing someone else to gaslight me and twist the situation and me not wanting them to get away with it this time. But I know I was mean, on purpose.

It’s a really weird feeling and I’m sort of spiraling about it. I feel paralyzed and I don’t know how to move forward because when I start to type out an apology, my brain quickly will switch gears and say “no”.

I hate this disorder. This stain. I feel like no matter how hard i try i’ll never get better and no matter how i try and explain the ways in which my trauma still affect me today it’s like everyone expects these problems to eventually disappear. Like once i get my shit together then i’ll be what they want. then they won’t have a problem respecting my boundaries because i’ll have deserved it. then they’ll accept me. then i’ll be worth listening to. then i’ll be lovable. but what about me now. am i not worth the same. or am i only good enough and worth respect once i change. legitimately struggling with active SI for the first time in a year and a half because i was reminded that unless other people understand my trauma and the way it affects me to a T, they shouldn’t be expected to respect me or my boundaries apparently

Today was my sister’s birthday. We’re a decade apart, and I still live at home because I’m the “failure” of the family who can’t get their life together. My sis turned sweet 16.. which was really difficult for me to watch. I’ve been triggered all day. My parents have done a complete 180 since raising me, and she gets the glory, while I got all the neglect. To be fair, she doesn’t get the emotional support she needs either… I give that to her!!! She does however get absolutely everything she wants. If she doesn’t, she’ll throw a fit and receive NO punishment. I couldn’t have even dreamt of going without punishment if I acted even a fraction of how she does.

I struggled as she was treated to a $500 shopping spree, nails, lobster dinner (lobster that was bought just for her), and a hotel suite rented for her & friends in a couple days.

When I turned 16, I got a chocolate jello cake with whipped cream (both things I didn’t like and didn’t ask for)….. and I can’t even remember what else because we were supposedly broke. It was a really disappointing birthday for me. I would NEVER have been treated to a lobster dinner (unless it was shared) or a shopping spree… It’s just not fair. My mom would always tell me to get a job if I wanted clothes, even if they were old and rough and my socks had holes. She would throw my clothes out and make me wait until she got paid, and then I would receive one new outfit, maybe 2 if I was lucky. My sister does absolutely nothing to get spoiled with name brand clothing. I’m getting triggered again. All I want to say is that I’m really angry for my younger self…. She didn’t deserve that.

I feel bad because my mother is trying to change her attitude towards us, I can see it…. But it’s still doesn’t change the past and I’m not over it yet. Mom is too tired to parent to her full potential… so she just gives my sister whatever, and that in turn damages my mental state more….

I’ve been trying to get relationship advice from a friend, and it’s been both funny and pathetic...

At every point in my story and the decisions I’ve made, I keep backtracking; why I did this, why I did that.

Each decision seems to lead me further and further into the past, into all the hell in my life. I’m starting to realize I don’t think I’ve ever truly lived my life; it’s all been one reaction after another.

I’m so lost. This might be the first time things are starting to make sense, and I feel like I have so many choices. I don’t even know what to do. I just want to curl up and take a nap. Like, WTF? I’m only now really seeing myself.

My brain keeps focusing on other people. Distractions as well from completing real tasks. And how I'm not good enough after CPTSD has wrecked my brain. Before I used to have full confidence, and be able to sit down to do a task. I think im finally getting better at standing my ground, and being here for myself again. But how do I go back? I just wish I could.

I am a partner to someone who has cPTSD. I am looking to discuss my situation with them as I want to be a good partner and to connect with people here who are in the same situation as me. Please let me know in the comments

Someone I care about seems to be going through a difficult emotional flashback, and I probably pushed them away by not knowing how to best support them through it. Just want to learn from this and know how to do better.

Found out a friend was wanting to meet up with a teen girl. ( we are mid 20s, and he’s always been abusive) There was undeniable evidence so I confronted him about it today. He did every thing he could to deny but I pressed on. This bastard, in anger, lost control and lunged at me. And guess what? No hesitation, I stood ground and whooped his ass. I’m proud of myself that I was able to hold my own. I did boxing but it was years back and yet it all kicked in as soon as he started swinging. Far from being traumatic, I am proud, of myself, I am empowered. 👍🏽

Don’t know where else to write this,

But my whole life is a predicament.

I can’t look pretty, because then people will notice me, make eye contact, and probably approach me or talk to me.

I can’t feel ugly, because I feel like an actual disease, have low self-esteem. But atleast people get the memo not to talk to me, because I’ll look pissed/dead.

I don’t know what to do both options are so unbearable.

Getting to know myself, and my preferences and my dislikes and my "weaknesses" and my STRENGTHS and learning to give and receive grace have contributed greatly to my increased overall comfort and productivity.

Is this a part of ptsd? Sometimes I hear people whispering in my ear. Or talking in another room in my house. The other day, I heard someone talking in one ear (not the other) as plain as day. Just about mundane everyday things. And other times i hear really threatening vulgar things. I have a lot of flashbacks, where i relive trauma, but this is different. I know it’s not real; I don’t feel like I’m psychotic. But it freaks me out. Does this happen to anyone else?

I know good and well by now that I was fucked as a child and these people rub it in my face. There was a multi year stretch where it seemed like every meme sub on Reddit would get invaded by porn-brained pieces of shit making jokes about raping or otherwise sexually degrading “twinks” or “femboys” (I know those aren’t the exact same thing but people are dumb) and it’s died down slightly here, but it’s leaked out everywhere. I see it all the time wherever I go.

And maybe this is just because of the circles I tend to be in, but somehow I see it the most from people who are allegedly progressive and beyond gender norms and think that it gives them license to be humiliating and degrading and emasculating to any man or boy who presents in an even remotely feminine way - not even in terms of clothes, just like facial structure and body type.

I used to like being naturally androgynous looking. It made me feel rebellious. Now everything about me is disgusting. I gained weight and fell into drugs and my body fell apart and every time I see someone make a degrading joke (sexual otherwise) I feel like I get a little flash of whatever it is that happened to me when I was a little kid that I can’t remember. I’m sure they all would have loved to get in on the action themselves, though maybe they’d have preferred to wait a few years and rape me around the time I was 16 or so, since that’s when I was the most feminine looking. Now I’m too disgusting to even be desirable as a victim. And it’s all okay, right? Because I’m not really a man, so I deserve what I get.

Edit: I’m talking about these terms as they’ve mutated after leaving the gay community and become devoured by the internet as a whole, if you’re online you know what I’m talking about, I don’t want to get hung up on technicalities, that’s not the point

Just because you are related to someone, doesn't mean you have to put up with their abuse of you. Choose to be around those who appreciate you, related or not. This is what I've learned after too many years, but better late than never. Anyone else out here choosing peace of mind and no anxiety over famiky of origin obligations this year? Its my first year doing so. I have some mixed feelings, but overall am good with my decision. Happy Holidays!

I remembered trauma when I was four. I was the one who had to face HORRIBLE fucking things nobody should ever face. I was the one that got it done to me. I was emotionally and psychologically and physically tortured when I was four multiple times. Nobody noticed, nobody was there for me. Everyone treats me like i grew a third fucking eyeball now that they know too. Nobody gives me a hug, THEY HAVE THE NERVE TO ASK WHY IM UNHAPPY. Oh why? Hmm let me think, thinking back to when I was an innocent child and got broken to pieces, was nearly killed, dehumanized, tormented, and broken. They have the nerve to ask me to be tough and continue like nothing. Its a miracle i haven’t killed myself. It’s a miracle I function. They won’t talk about it, won’t ask me questions, won’t bring it up. They just ignore it, that is their privilege. I can’t ignore it, im reminded of it in my nightmares, im reminded of it when i wake up, in flashbacks, in random triggers. Nobody will give me a hug, i have to beg to be loved. The way they look at me changed. So much pity, so much awkwardness. I don’t think I will ever be able to have a normal life. They broke me, they broke me. They broke me. The terror broke me.

When I was younger I was very sensitive to peoples emotions and moods. I was always the one to listen and be the mini-therapist to my parents. A lot of things used to emotionally move me and I took everything for face value, not realising I was likely being lied to at times to so they could leech of my empathy.

Now I'm very cold and closed off. People say I'm a bitch for having harsh views and not "caring enough" about other people. And in a way, they're arent wrong. I feel more for a wounded dog than a wounded human being. Most people irritate me and I cant tolerate them. Its as if I've slowly locked that part of myself away, or even killed it. Its hard to show empathy after years of it being manipulated and fed off by narcissists.

It sometimes makes me sad because as a child I was a gentle soul, caring and compassionate. Now I just feel kinda dead inside.

heavy TWs here: talk of kids engaging in sexual behavior, brief mention of possible repressed S/A, vague mention of children performing sexual acts on animals. if this is too heavy i apologize profusely. . . . . . . Hi. Writing this post because these sort of thoughts have been plaguing me lately and I really need somebody else's opinion. I'm a teen- I won't say my exact age, of course, but I assume the fact that I'm a minor would be important for something like this.

Around the age of 8, I started to get very sexual in general. While unfortunately I did have unrestricted internet access, I definitely had not delved into any sort of inappropriate topics, so I'm very unsure as to where these thoughts and behaviors may have come from. Conversations with other kids often revolved around inappropriate topics, usually brought up by me, and I, rather disturbingly, remember having a conversation with a friend about videos she had watched. All of my play, which bad once been entirely innocent, revolved around sex in some way. It'd always turn into the main characters having sex and the woman getting pregnant. Constantly. I was obsessed with the idea of being pregnant and would often be afraid that I somehow had gotten pregnant. I didn't know exactly how it worked, so I would get afraid that just staring at a boy would make me pregnant. If I had stomach pains I'd be scared I was going into labor.

Later on, I started to learn about these topics online which messed me up a bit. I read stories involving very horrible topics, involving kids and animals. While I was only about 9, I still feel disturbed at how much I looked at. I eventually started replicating behaviors I read about on my pets at home which haunts me to this day. I would never hurt and animal like that and I don't understand why I did it. If I did that, does it mean I'm some sort of sicko? Am I going to hurt animals or even kids in the future? Accidentally?

As far as I know, I haven't been abused. I had a dream once about something like that occurring and it did affect me quite a bit, but I don't think that'd be an indicator? I know repressed memories exist but I don't know.

I just want to know if I'm some sort of horrible messed up person. Thanks and have a good night.

Basically, title.

I'm utterly shattered. She and I both suffer with CPTSD, we'd been together for 6 years (separated 1.5 years ago but remained in regular contact and emotionally close). After her last attempt we spent months together in my room, holding each other, watching Patrick Teahan videos and helping her to develop hope for life again. In recent months though I had been trying to create some emotional distance so we to move our relationship to being just friends, but...

How do you deal with the guilt? How do you forgive yourself for not being there when it counted? How do you deal with the idea that your withdrawal might have been that last straw?

I strongly believe nobody should have to deal with this illness alone, yet I left her alone to deal with it and I don't know how I can ever forgive myself. If anyone has been here before, please, for the love of anything, I'd love some help at the moment.