I used an extension on YouTube to block comments because occasionally a funny video about a little kid shows up and the comments sections are always the same.

Child: Exists

Commenters: Spoiled little shit. He said yeah instead of yes ma'am. Awful child. Insert anecdote of how when I was a kid kids were raised right and if we committed a trivial offense our parents would hang us from a tree and hit us back and forth a pinata, that's how the good old days were

Yeah/yes ma'am is just an example and not the point of the thread, but people will find some excuse for why every child in every random video is a spoiled brat unless the video is so short and the child is so obviously flawless that they can't find anything to harp on. I was a good kid and almost perfectly behaved by 6, so I remember having tantrums sometimes as a toddler. Everyone does. But on YouTube if a three year old is even briefly misbehaved, they're a spoiled little shit for... behaving like every other toddler in human history.

It's not just social media. In-person friends and family do the same. From what I can gather, most people think authoritarian parenting is the best and that home should become a boot camp once you're 1-2 years old with the parents punishing their kids for ever mild imperfection every second of every day?

Hard not to be a misanthrope when people honestly aren't worth liking. Most people seem to think that giving an ounce more love or affection than is strictly necessary, or not taking every opportunity necessary to punish your child like you're a shark chasing after blood, means that you're spoiling your kid. Bullying? Builds character. Signing up your kid for every extracurricular in the world regardless of their desire to do that? Fuck off snowflake, what's good for me for is good for everyone. W-what? Kids get participation trophies every rare once in a while?!?!?!?????!!!!!!! Ruined forever! A child onstantly being treated like shit by everyone is no big deal but don't you fucking DARE go easy on them a single time or they'll be psychologically broken forever!

Not sure what else I should expect from a cold and callous species that struggles intensely with critical thinking, though. People are tiresome.

It's a sensation I get sometimes that rarely has anything to do with how I feel about the person (and who they are) in general, it just happens to be there at unfortunate times. But certain things that people do and the way they behave can 'ick' me out occasionally and create a sense of aversion for me. Not things like they picked their nose and didn't wash their hands; more like they were too loud, or got really excited over something, or the way they laughed was weird.

I have a family member that laughs a certain way/makes a very...interesting sound, lets call it a wild bird call, because that's honestly what it sounds like lol...like being at the aviary exhibit 😂...when they're super happy about something, but for some reason, out of all the silliness that transpires between us and the ridiculous noises we make on a daily basis, it's something that instantly makes me furious, annoyed, and grossed out. It's like a would you shut tf up type of visceral reaction I have. And that would be super mean to say out loud, so I shut my fucking mouth and don't say anything!

It's really irrational to be honest, but they're feelings I let pass because I know how fluctuating my emotions about things are. I don't let them determine how I feel about myself for feeling them, or how I ultimately feel about people I care about. I do feel like I have a bit of a blank stare sometimes when someone does something totally foreign and I have to take a minute to process it lmao.

I feel a bit narcissistic for looking down on people/seeing them this way, but also like a fraud for having to mask those feelings + pretend they're not there. It's kind of a mindfuck to like people, but also not be able to stand them + need to have to interact with them from a distance.

Also kids crying. Like what. Prime mental/sensory confusion for me. I obv want to comfort them, but I don't really feel much when I see kids cry, and worst case scenario, it can be very irritable for me to deal with. I feel like I shut down emotionally to deal with tears sometimes. But I still can feel a very, very deep, emotional, genuine empathy for a child who is upset or hurt.

I literally don't know if anyone else has dealt with this, but I still wanted to put it out there. It feels like something that should be talked about more often, but isn't. I don't feel like anybody around me would understand this.

This is not to validate those who have delusions such as thinking that they are fictional characters or are above other human beings, but to validate that even when others do things to try to draw attention to situations and other people Mass dislike them in Bully them and try to kick them while they're down, this does not make them right.

Individuals who do this would fall for political extremist propaganda before the internet was a thing and on top of that when things like this happen you have to keep in mind that a lot of people fell for Jim Jones's disgusting trick.

I want to encourage people to still be open to having discussions And to work on being brave even when others attacking us hurts.

I also want people to know that in a situation more personal to me and a part of why I made the post that other people were talking about with not validating certain people, as hard as it is to not feel certain ways about those who are not perceiving the world right and are attacking you because they are broken or because they are not in their right minds, you have to be strong and you have to do whatever you can (legally and morally) to work towards preserving yourself and to get out of any bad situation like that. Truth be told it does hurt me for people that were close to me to become so wrapped up in their issues and not being able to talk with them like I used to in fact it's been really hard on me, because I know that certain mental illnesses take people away from you but you have to be strong and know that you have to keep moving onwards even if they don't move on with you.

I believe in giving people a fair chance to speak and I even believe those who struggle with these types of issues should be able to speak but within proper moderation where they don't have the room to attack people but rather just State their points and get it across without directly interacting with people with volatility.

It's hard for me to feel comfortable and confident with what I try to do but after seeing support from others and telling me to fight the good fight as well as to try to find a way to understand me without fully understanding what I mean, this reminds me of why it's important to keep going even if those people were to turn around and give up because humans are fallible.

Correlation is not causation and when people say that they make observations about someone and that they must be right it's important to realize that there are many places in the world that don't welcome people who have a same-sex attraction or think in certain ways and being someone who is queer and neurodivergent I can tell you that it is possible to be an accurate minority.

We unfortunately live in a culture where people don't like to challenge the status quo unless it pertains to something they want or tickles their biases. This is not me indicating any kind of a persecution complex in fact I want to say that instead of feeling persecuted I know that this is the right path.

Do not be ashamed in your recovery from trauma and trying to figure your things out as well as trying to share things with the world even if some people find it offensive because it's important to grow and learn from those experiences; with that being said, I do want everyone to make sure that their mental health is being prioritized because a lot of individuals who are unhinged will Target and attack.

In regards to if you've ever made a mistake and you've done something especially voluntarily it's important to do what you can to apologize, but if that isn't enough for the individual you have to accept that that is their choice and move on with your life and protect yourself after that.

Hi new here and when I have a bad episode this is what happens... I feel really overwhelmed, start to cry and go lay down somewhere to soothe and then my body says nope you're not moving until you feel safe. Like I get stiff..clench up and literally can't move. Anyone else?

My groomer voted for Trump.

He was clearly conservative around our friends growing up but said more liberal things when we were alone. Obviously he did it to make me like him. But god I really don’t know anything about this person after all. 7 years knowing him starting from when I was 11.

He’s free to go even after reporting him to the police. His friends still introduce their little sisters to him even after knowing what he did to me, and they’ve even introduced him to a new girl the same age as me (unsure of their relationship, think they’re just “friends”) - he was commenting on her profile page at 3am in the morning.

I feel like fucking shit.

Hi, I have always wondered if maybe I have been experiencing CPTSD. I went through several traumas as a kid, and it seems the worst of it comes from my dad. (Parents are divorced, and he has been in and out of my life for 25 years)

Ever since I was little, my mental health declines when I speak to him. And as I've gotten older, I am believing that my emotional distress manifests as physical problems.

He is elderly now, and we had been conversing every day for the past two months as he has had cancer and in and out of hospitals, I was trying to be there for him.

Around the same time, I started experiencing itching and burning under both arms along with swollen lymph nodes there that came and went. My dentist also found fullness in my neck and urged me to get checked out. So I did. Bloodwork was absolutely perfect and since I stopped talking to my dad days ago, I can tell it is all getting better. I had dealt with that for two months. I have TERRIBLE healthy anxiety.

Do you think I did the right thing by getting checked out? I was told lymph nodes can swell for no reason, but I think I might know the reason. I am absolutely mortified that my doctor saw me that way; my blood pressure and heart rate were elevated. I'm just now getting appetite back. I also struggled to speak yesterday to the nurse about my bloodwork and couldn't get the words out. Felt like an idiot. Lol.

I just feel like I wasted my doctors time and I really like him. I was thinking of just being honest and telling him that I sometimes do this. I'd just never had lymph nodes swell before or the intense itching. It's so weird. I'd love to apologize to him, I know he's a dr but still it's embarrassing.

It's so crazy that bodies can react this way. I do this every time I'm around my dad.

I don’t know if this is allowed, but I’m giving it a shot. This is going to be my trauma dump thread. Anybody that wants to dump some trauma go ahead and comment, and feel free to come back anytime you need to dump more. I will be using this post every time I feel the need to dump my trauma somewhere publicly

I recently started therapy a few months ago. I’ve only had I think around 4 sessions but each session we’ve been unpacking a lot. Last session however was one of the hardest ones I ever had and I told my therapist i wasn’t sure how to handle talking about it and I needed support and she didn’t really help me with it. It ended up being me unpacking a very hard thing for myself that I’ve never told anyone and when I asked if I did the right thing by doing that she didn’t say it wasn’t my fault so I felt extreme guilt. Because of that I’ve been in a daze this week and dissociating a lot and not sleeping well. I wanted at one point to call over a partner I’ve had who was abusive because the guilt I had made me felt like I deserved it. I hate the feelings and memories therapy is bringing up to me and my thing is if I’ve blocked out a memory isn’t it better sometimes? I feel like I’m spiraling

and i think i am finally accepting that it won't ever happen, which is maybe good, but it's also bad because i have no idea how to proceed in my life now.

without the promise that maybe someday i could be different, it all feels pointless. my survival has always been contingent on a promise i made to myself when i was little to change for the better as i got older and finally become someone worthy of love and support, someone people truly adore and want to be around, but that never happened. i am still the same unloved and unwanted thing i was when i was a child. there's nothing special in me, and nothing is going to change to become better, either. it's just me. it's always been me.

my therapist says i need to accept myself and learn self-compassion and self-love from this, but i don't think i deserve it. i never did and i can't logically understand why i would deserve it now, when i am at my worst, if i am being honest. i don't know how to extend that to myself when i am objectively awful to be around and interact with. i can't reward myself for bad behavior.

no. i don't want to accept myself. i hate myself. i hate that i have to be me. i hate that there's nothing else.

i... am just shouting into the void before i go to bed, like idk if my whining makes any sense rn, i'm just feeling that classic late night anguish from existing as a traumatized person, y'know

so today I finished my journal, and that means that I have to pick out of my empty journals, which one I want to start writing in next… which is very stressful and overwhelming for me. I have three journals that I haven’t written in yet. Somehow I still feel like I need to have more before I can use another one… and I like all three of them so much I can’t decide which one I want to use next and if I do use it, I feel like I need to get a replacement of it just in case..

This is a common theme in my life with not just journals, but anything that I enjoy … especially art supplies and anything that is not “reusable” in the sense that once it runs out it, it’s gone.. does anyone else have this kind of “coping strategy” i guess you could call it

I don’t wanna say I’m straight up a hoarder because I don’t keep an excess of a bunch of different stuff I don’t want or need , but I tend to feel like I need to have multiple of something before I can feel comfortable using it, and I really struggle throwing away useless things if they have any amount of sentimental value to me.. for example, I’ve kept every receipt from every time I’ve gone out somewhere with my boyfriend during our relationship.. every single one . I was just curious if anyone else’s trauma shows itself like this at all.

So I have this friend... let's call him Robert. Robert has been my friend for over 5 years. I helped him to beat his alcohol addiction as well as many other things that were holding him back in his life. But today he made me out to be the villain for getting angry when he did something that clearly looked like he was trying to chug an entire bottle of prescription medication.

He claimed he was just "taking his meds" and that he did it that way because his hands were supposedly dirty (which makes zero sense to me honestly considering he hadn't DONE anything to MAKE his hands dirty) and that I shouldn't be angry about the fact it clearly looked like he tried to kill himself.

He says I'm the bad person because I shouldn't expect him to apologize for it. And that I should just "let it go"

For the first 2 hours of the argument, he kept trying to deny having even done it in the first place, and accused me of being crazy and "making shit up" but I know what I saw him do. I'm not blind, I'm not nor have I ever been under the influence of any substance that would make me hallucinate in any way. I clearly saw him do what looked like chug a bottle of pills like it was a beer or something.

He eventually acknowledge that it could have LOOKED like he tried to kill himself, but still refused to actually apologize for it. and instead turned it on to me, like somehow I should be the one apologizing to HIM for getting upset about it. Apparently he seems to think that as his friend of 5 years or so now, that I shouldn't get upset if I see him do something that looks like he tried to kill himself, knowing full well he has a history of suicidal ideation, and one actual attempt under his wing.

After about 6 hours of arguing spanning the course of 3 days, I finally had enough of being gaslit, and made out to be the bad guy in all of this, and I finally ended the friendship. But it hurts, ya know? I genuinely cared about this guy. I wanted to see him succeed, and do good in his life. I did everything I could to encourage him to make good decisions in his life, and acted as a kind of mother figure to him, helping to guide him through some of the mental struggles he has had over the years. I was invested in him. and it just seems like such a waste, but... in the same turn, I don't think I should be subjected to such mental abuse either.

Any opinions or comments are welcome here. I am honestly trying to find some way I can salvage the friendship, but part of me thinks that if I do, I'll just keep ending up in similar situations with him, as this isn't the first time he has done something like this. This just happens to be the most severe case so far. These situations just keep getting worse and worse. and I honestly don't know what to do here.

I have CPTSD because my mother used to do similar things to me, and his behavior has been really triggering for me. The whole, doing horrible things then accuse me of being crazy when I point it out, or getting angry with me for expecting an apology for them having traumatized me. I can't help but feel like I've been friends with a narcissist for 5 years, and am only now beginning to realize it. And it makes me feel stupid, because I feel like I should have known he was one, after everything I went through with my mother.

I’m 19M. I am in my 2nd semester of college. My mental health right now has significantly gotten worse. For about a week now, I’ve been worried about being a pedophile.

This started about a year ago, when I was a junior in high school, I’d see some peers from my school who were younger than me, and I’d look at their asses, and I was aroused. Of course I’d stop myself and say to myself: “dude they’re like 16, that’s weird”. Now I live in a state where 16 is age of consent, but still felt weird to me.

Recently I’ve think my mind has gotten worse. And I think that it gotten younger and younger. I would see a girl, and I’d be like oh she’s cute, but then I’d be like “oh shit” she’s a kid, but then I’d still look just to make sure. Not to mention, i have been single for years. I always go in my own head to look for excuses or reasons why I’m this way. For instance, I‘d say something like, “well because she’s a girl and I have horrible time getting women” or “she reminded of someone Ik” or she wore something very revealing, so I can’t blame myself”.

It sucks because me coming up with excuses only harms my brain and mental more, and it’s like now I feel like I’m just a pedophile in denial. I don’t fantasize over children. I usually think of people in my age group sexually. But my mind is in a fucked state right now, that I can’t even think of anything sexually.

I tried everything in the past, and recently. The whole groinal test, tried thinking about sexual situations about kids, and of course I feel disgusted, but to me it seems like I might be a pedophile, because it’s like every time I see a girl, I have to look at them to see if they’re young or not. Not because I’m attracted to them, but because I just don’t know if it’s attraction or just my mind being an asshole. I hate having this because it is mentally exhausting, having to worry about: “did I stare at that child”, or “did I think that child was cute, even if it was just an impulsive thought”, or do people think I’m a weirdo”.

Then sometimes my mind tries to fix itself, but then it makes things worse. Like if I’d see a girl, I’d say,oh she’s cute”, but then I’d realize she’s young, so I’d say, “maybe if she was older”. Not as in I’d wait for her to turn 18 to date, but as a way to like say oh she’s young was my age right now, I’d date her. Which would make the situation in my head worse, but make me feel even more of a weirdo.

Of course I post this to try and get some reassurance, and ultimately idk if will help. I want others honest true opinions, but I do want some sort of hope, because I don’t believe I’m a pedophile, but with my mind and the signs, I obviously think otherwise. I know some people can suffer with pocd for years and then get it treated, and I want that too.

I’ve never had a traumatic experience relating to this, maybe a girl kissed me on the lips when I was trying to sleep, when I was a kid, but we were the same age. Again me doing shit, like go back into my past to see if I have had any trauma. I want therapy real bad, but some sites charge up to the teeth just to talk to a pro, and I always grew up with the whole you’ll get over it mentality, so idk if I’ll get help. This also affects my life just in a natural sense. For instance, girls my age that I do have a crush on, I always think to myself:” maybe I have a crush on them because they look young”.

These are things I don’t do: I don’t fantasize over children. I don’t have any active crushes on kids, most of the crushes I have are on adults my age. I don’t stare at kids at infatuation.

Thank you for reading, if you did read. I want a way forward, I don’t think it’s pedophilia, but at this point, I have no idea, and it’s ruining me mentally.

What would be some differences between someone with CPTSD and someone with BPD? I ask because I feel like my ex-girlfriend has BPD, she feels like she does as well, so does are mutual friend but her therapist told her she thinks it’s CPTSD. We’re not arguing with the therapist and she’s accepting the diagnosis but just out of curiosity, I wanted to post here. I’ve spent a lot of time reading through threads in this community and I’m amazed at the similarities from other’s experiences and mine.

I’ve always been afraid of online communities. Maybe it’s just how culture is nowadays but the internet feels so cruel most of the time. It’s not hard to find two people going at each other on something or another. But the amount of kindness I’ve seen here, the amount of love ya’ll show each other, and the amount of bravery ya’ll have to share your stories and struggles and vents, it’s really beautiful, ya’ll.

I feel a little less lonely with ya’ll here. And I see the effort this sub puts into loving people. I’m very thankful for that. This sub really has made this a safe place for us. And I don’t get that that often. I know it’s not the same as trusting someone you meet in real life. But just having a space for discussions where it isn’t always fights and arguments and blatant disrespect of others is so wonderful. Ya’ll are good people. All of ya’ll. Love you.

Because of c-ptsd, I struggle really really hard to be honest with people, open up, and speak spontaneously. I learned that being silent was the safest option, and to think rather than voice any opinions, always. But this makes me a very boring person to be friends with. I just can’t speak first and it’s so frustrating. I feel like all I can do is agree with the person I’m talking to and validate them (I think it’s called fawning?). I feel like I don’t have my own personality, like I’m empty inside and can only mirror other people to try to deflect more trauma. And I hate it, I’m sure it pushes more people away and makes me seem cold and unintelligent when really I just physically can’t talk. Is there any hope to change?

Obviously the rise of fascism should be upsetting for any decent person, but when you have a history of abuse, and parents who through their neglect enabled the abuse, and to this day continue to enable the abuser, it feels so fucking personal. I see the parallels between the world and my own life/family and it hurts.

I’m so tired of the bad guys winning. I’m so tired of supposedly good people with power standing by and doing fucking nothing or enabling it. I’m so tired of me and all the other victims being so fucking powerless to stop it. (If we organized we could become very powerful but that’s difficult to do and so we remain powerless.)

I know the bad guys winning is not a new thing but, at least in “the West”, it seems to be getting worse than it has been since WWII.

Listening to the news these days feels like being raped. I fucking hate it so goddamn much.

I can’t sleep without waking up to a bang noise and getting extremely alerted I hate this

Recently my grandmother has passed and life is just extremely stressful in general. I often have a lot of trouble moving from one spot to another and getting up to do things. For example, I have a specific spot on the couch that I sit in everyday. Once I'm there it's hard to get up and have the motivation to do anything. All I want to do is consume media like YouTube and video games. I want to do other things but my body seems to physically fight me to not do anything productive. When I do get up to try and do some chores or just move around it's like that spot just beckons to me. It's awful. It's like a pull and I try to fight back as hard as I can. I feel like I am wasting my life away. Unfortunately, most of my childhood was spent doing the exact thing I'm struggling with now. I would literally sit on the couch or lay in my bed. I hate myself for struggling with this and I feel so broken. I don't know what to do to stop this awful habit. I believe I also have some agoraphobia or something of the sort. I'm anxious to go outside or feel no point in it even though I desperately want to. Once I get out I am ok and I enjoy myself. IM JUST SO TIRED. I really feel so broken and alone.

I barely get enough sleep. My ptsd makes me more tired and anxious throughout the day. I'm so sick of having to go to work everyday when I feel like shit. I'm exhausted and traumatized. And there's nothing I can do. I can't live in my fucking car because I'm still making car payments.

What’s the point of people having a social media account if you’re gonna follow someone but not interact or reply to messages? I’m so sick of the self absorbing people that you knew or follow you but don’t interact or reply to messages? And I’m happy & full of life. I have no reason to hate on anyone or complain about my own self. It’s just simple shit and people act like they don’t see messages or aren’t posting their own dumbs shit of content that’s not theirs. Should I just delete these dumb idiots? Everyone is so weird on social media.

Has anyone managed to permanently coke out of fight or flight?

I’m noticing my constant state more than Bruno st the money due to stress but it’s made me wonder if there’s a massive shift one day and you suddenly feel different and calm I guess.

I haven’t seen my little sister since she was 5 she just turned 9 this year. I stopped seeing her a few months after my mom overdosed and left her to fend for herself and lost custody of her to my violent stepdad. I saw her a few times at my stepdads house but I couldn’t do it again it was too painful, every time I saw that man I would remember all the times he threatened to shoot us growing up and all the times he beat the shit out of my mom in front of us. In my childhood no one stuck around to save me from the both of them, I wanted to be that one person for my sister and I couldn’t. She would tell me how I was her favorite person and she wished I was her mom so she could come live with me instead of them. That broke me, especially when I decided I couldn’t see my mom and stepdad anymore for my own mental health and wellbeing. I carry that guilt with me everyday and probably will for my whole life

I'm a gay guy from Toronto, I've realized that I was abused and manipulated by a covert Narcissist. He destroyed my mental health, my emotions, I have no more friends, I barely talk to my family and I haven't heard from him for two months now.

I emptied my life to fill his, I gave everything to the point that I was left with a negative balance with myself.

Nobody believes me, everyone says I'm crazy, that it's impossible that this amazing guy could be the same demon I'm describing. But yes, I know what I experienced, I know what I'm going through.

Thanks to him and the intense stress I experienced, my physical health has begun to deteriorate, I gained weight, I suffer from chronic pain, my hair is falling out, I suffer from insomnia, I can't get enough sleep.

I thought I was in a toxic relationship. But I didn't necessarily see that toxicity as abuse or manipulation. I began to suspect that something was wrong, not just because of how I felt or because of his abuse or manipulation, but rather, because I knew he was lying, I knew he was promiscuous and that was what made me spend long nights overthinking.

I felt frustrated by the fact that I was always available waiting for him. He became my priority. However, for him, I meant nothing. I spent days and weeks waiting for him, begging for crumbs of affection, and, if possible, some sex.

He always had me confused. I never knew what to expect, I couldn't make plans because I felt like I had to wait for a text from him to know if we would see each other or not. Many times that text didn't come, I spent entire Fridays and Saturdays at home, available, waiting for the one who was never going to come. On Monday he would show up as if nothing had happened, very relaxed from all the sex and parties of the weekend.

We had sex when and how he wanted. I even got to the point of doubting whether he liked me or if he really enjoys sex with me. I can boast about my sexual performance, however, I always felt insecure and insufficient with him. I saw myself as his last option when he was horny and that hurt me.

He wanted me trapped, available, nervous, anxious. He had me so caged that he invented the idea of sending WhatsApp video notes every night, just for the purpose of maintaining control, knowing where and with whom I was. I was full of fear and always wanting to behave well, I didn't leave the house, waiting every night for that video note. He would make WhatsApp calls out of the blue and without warning, at any time and just when I left work, and the calls would end when I got home. He started to see my messages and respond hours or days later with stupid excuses.

If there was one thing I was sure of, it was that he was lying. And there came a point where he was playing with my intelligence. I never said anything, but I knew that most of his excuses, specifically for not getting together and having sex, were lies and that he had plans with another guy or was going to a party or to one of the spas downtown.

I talk a lot about sex because I'm always very horny, he is too. That's how we met, the first few weeks we had so much sex that my brain became addicted to his ass. Months later, and because of the traumatic bond, I tried two encounters without him knowing and my dick never got hard, it was just him.

My brain didn't accept that lack of sex and that's why I was constantly overthinking. Thanks to overthinking every night, I confirmed my suspicions, he wasn't serious, he lacked honesty, he lied compulsively, he never gave a shit about me. I discovered that he was hurting me, that he was not good for me and my brain brought me many moments in which his face looked different, Machiavellian, just when he saw me drugged, tired from not sleeping or from overthinking. Those attitudes of greatness and domination when he came back after a week missing, as if nothing had happened, he saw me devastated and I imagine he thought: "poor thing, look how I have it, how well everything is working for me."

I discovered that he was a boy who had lost control with the PNP and that he had problems with work attendance, tardiness, economic problems, compulsive shopping and bad management, and that he lived off of appearances in front of others. He made me feel guilty even for the tickets the police gave him for speeding on the way to work, after leaving someone's house super late after a whole night of sex and PNP.

Exactly on two occasions I confronted him, but not demanding anything, not accusing him, rather I told him: "bro, you can count on me, I will always be there for you, the two of us together can leave the PNP, if you jump I jump." Besides, I was already exploring options to make extra money, thinking about him and for him. But no, in his head there was no room for the possibility of imperfection, of vulnerability. He could not accept the fact that I knew that his life was a tragedy.

You could see his fury at feeling discovered, unmasked. He looked for a way to change the subject or redirect the blame towards me, I was the addict, the out of control, I was the one who had problems with credit cards, I was the only bad guy in the movie. He always projected his flaws, his imperfections, all the bad things he had on him, he brought them on me, to the point that yes, it worked for him, I lost my job, I destroyed my economy, I became more addicted, I lost my self-esteem, my motivation, my goals, and to top it off, to make me feel more miserable, the following days of me confronting him, he punished me, he made me feel that I did not deserve him, you could see his disappointment, he could not believe that I would doubt his perfection, that he was not amazing, Jesus in person.

One day, without saying anything, he stopped texting me, and slowly, silently and as if nothing happened, he disappeared. As if I did not exist, as if nothing that we lived and what I felt for him had any value. I spent almost two weeks depressed in my bed, without eating, without bathing and with agony, despair, confusion, a feeling of loss, helplessness, constant waiting. I needed answers, I had begun to doubt my sanity and after hundreds of messages, after so much begging, He appeared, like a Monday afternoon as usual, as if nothing had happened.

He parked, greeted me, after enjoying my suffering and almost 3 hours of my complaints, he defended himself from my accusations, he maintained his position that I was the one with the problem and that he did everything in his power to help me, he practically wanted to say that he was my savior. He stood up to leave, and said: "Now as friends, right?"

He always told me that I would never find him, I discovered that everything he had told me was false, including where he lived or where he worked. What he didn't count on was that, despite how emotional I am, how empathetic and how much I like to care for and help others, I am also a boy with a violent past, I have a criminal record and I like revenge. I worked for many years doing intelligence and trafficking information for criminal organizations. He know I said it and I hope he reads this: "I'm going to expose you" and since no one believes me, I will seek my revenge on my own. I don't want any more therapy, I know how I'm going to heal myself from this Narcissist.

Since I realized he was a liar, I started investigating him. I know where he lives, I know where he works, I know his social networks and his supposed friends. I know a girl, friend who is his most faithful flying monkey. I know who his new victim is and I know what my next steps are. Now I just feel so bad for that Narcissist. Living the miserable life of a Narcissist is worse than anything that can happen to us in life.

It is very likely that some of you here know him. Maybe we were meeting the same guy. He is an impeccable guy, decent, well-mannered, super calm, attentive, he listens to you, advises you, spends time with you and is wonderful in sex. But, be careful, after a few weeks of love bombing you will start to live the worst nightmare of your life.

Asian guy, Filipino, relatively attractive, Gay Bottom. Red Toyota Camry, Markham and Scarborough area, Nurse, North York General Hospital. His name is like in the TV series "Kevin Can F**k Himself", although the name is spelled differently.

I hope the Narcissist has a plan B ready to execute. If the evidence I gave to North York General Hospital, plus the evidence the Ontario College of Nurses has, plus the confirmations from the Toronto Public Health offices, I believe the Narcissist (not because he is a Narcissist, I did not mention that word in any of the files and that is not why he is being investigated) is running out of days of abuse in Toronto.

Papi, I told you: "YOU MESSED WITH THE WRONG PERSON."

Because you had no empathy for me. Because you don't give a shit about me. Because you knew that I loved you and even if you wanted to destroy me. now, I DON'T GIVE FUCK ABOUT YOU PAPI.

OK, so this is more of a discussion/question. I have Cptsd, and all the dignosis and whatnot, but I often get paranoid that since I was reading depressing fanfic early maybe I just pavloved it into existance. Like chicken or the egg style. Like Ive always been a sucker for the abused kid gets out/ becomes a badass/found family style writing and fandoms. Harry Potter, Percy Jackson, X-men, supernatural, Sherlock. And even before my middle school years I was really into that sort of narritive in books as well. (hyperliterate autistic kid Ive consumed ALOT of media). But the thing is I like many other Cptsd bros have huge memory gaps. I can remember all these plots and stories even now, but I cant tell you shit about what was going on from ages like 7-16.

So what I mean to say is, does anyone worry about wether you made it all up sometimes when you look back at old bookmarks ?

Is this just because I have no been able to afford professional help?

I know I have a long way to go, but there is a lot that I have been able to work on and do better. It just feels like the feelings part is just getting so much worse with age. Part of me wonders if it is because I am actually trying to "feel" these days. Maybe I am just noticing it more. But I find my window of tolerance getting smaller over time.

What do you experience?

I’m just looking for advice on how to get out of what I am in right now. I feel like the older I get, the worse things are going for me, especially ever since I became aware of my trauma from neglectful childhood about 5 years ago after another failed relationship.

I’ve been celibate for these 5 years and have been living a very isolated life. All my energy is spent still performing at work - often leading to burnout situations - and trying to look normal on the outside. When I don’t have to be “on” I’m basically exhausted and can barely keep up with keeping my place clean. Weekends are spent doing groceries/cleaning and then laying on my couch. These days when im WFH I’m at my desk for work and then laying on the couch the rest of the time. I see friends here and there but not frequently and I have no family nearby so I’m pretty alone.

I also eating all the time and gaining weight and have no energy to exercise. I hate where things are going and it’s never been this bad before. Idk if it’s being older (45) but I feel like everything is so much harder.

Does anyone have any advice on how I get myself out of this?

PS: I stopped therapy a few months ago but might try to go back if I can find someone better. But ultimately I’m not sure if therapy is what’s missing.

I can’t remember much about my life except the existential dread that built my personality and hatred of the world. It is funny tho bc the phrases I do remember are awfully violent and the flashes in my memory that concur are just as dreary. but I look back at everything and the first thing I wonder is what do I get out of everything I have gone through but it seems the answer is always just more EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE and i wish my parents would’ve just taken me out of the world like they promised.

I have resentment in my heart . I am full of bitterness and animosity. I feel like I am doomed to go to hell after I die

I was abused and bullied when I was young

I have a mental disability and I am getting tested for a developmental disability next Wednesday . It is assume I might have fetal alcohol syndrome

Because I have a short attention span , I am easily distracted. I can't think for myself . I cannot problem solve , I hold grudges . I can't think abstract. I can't think critically or logically or rational .b

I cannot pay attention.

Does anyone have good techniques for getting out of disassociating/hypoarousal?

im 31m. Had a rough Childhood. Mother died, father did not want me, grew up with grandparents. Which my grandma who internally blamed me for the death of her daughter. Just lots and lot of abuse all sorts.

i can barely socialize. i can't hold a job my nervous system is so fucked that i chrash when i have to be under people for more than 2 hours. i go to therapy, take it very seriously, do EMDR but no matter how much i go no contact with those who hurt me, no matter how much therapy i get, i can barely go outside and do things.

Im very lonely. i have noone other than my cats. i often feel like i am 6yo. i talk to my stuffed animals and i am drawn to tight spaces. the amount of times people get laughed at because they lay in a well stuffed dog cage, and the amount of times i am the one not laughing cause thats exactly what i want too is just... wow.

tight spaces make me feel safe. I love go surround myself with old toys from back then. but i dont let myself. i feel so stupid. I feel like a fool. all i allow myself to do is get myself a new stuffie here and there.

im terryfied of women. i had 1 gf so far who i wanted to marry. She abused me the whole time so im really not trying to repeat the cycle. i just feel lonely. i could cry. i feel so stupid . all i wish for is a forever home.

my ex gf who had BPD said im weird cause i opened up. While i took care of her little one. i always kept her safe. At the end she told me she hopes i find someone who can deal "with this". I never did it in front of her. i just tried to open up.

Im sorry idk where this is going.