I recently had a mental health evaluation because my treatment plan was not working and my mental health was getting worse. I poured my heart out to the doctor and when I told him about my mom's funeral you could see the look of shock on his face when I told him that the funeral was open casket and way she took her life was by a gun shot to the head. He paused for a moment and told me that to prevent the PTSD I now live with day to day I should have been heavily drugged the day of the funeral. He told me that I was misdiagnosed and at the forefront of my mental health issues is my PTSD which is what is causing me disruptions in my day to day life. These are the days I cant help but be mad at my mom for doing what she did. She had ruined my life is so many ways, in ways I am sure she could have never imagined, in ways that I could have never imagined.

I wonder if wherever she is she regrets what she did. I wonder if she would take it all back or do it all over again. I've been wondering a lot these days.