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My dad passed in February. I just found the time to travel across the country to my hometown and take care of the last piece of property he had. I got it almost cleaned out, the big stuff sold off, the little stuff trashed and donated, and got a ladder out to reach a box stored wayyyy up by the ceiling.

It was heavy. And full of SO. MUCH. PORN. Like, the dude was apparently single handedly keeping the Girls Gone Wild enterprise afloat for a while there. All on VHS too.

I just had to laugh and try to see it as a moment of levity in a shit situation.

Did you find anything weird while dealing with your loved ones belongings?

Sorry for this being off topic, would appreciate if it still gets posted.

On Saturday night, I've met someone who quite recently lost their loved one. We've talked for sometime and somehow split up, didn't exchange contacts. Didn't had the opportunity to say that I'm here for them if they ever feel lonely. One of the few things I know is that they use Reddit. So, I'm leaving this here if they recognize themselves and feel the need to talk to someone.

Sending love

Just wanted to honor a friend that I lost over the weekend to suicide.

He was a cool dude who was generally liked by the small school I knew him from. I can only assume he had a horrible situation at home, supported by the fact that his grandfather helped fund the attack on the capital on Jan 6.

The last day I saw him he was reading the communist manifesto, he always disliked capitalism and argued with our history teacher about that kinda stuff.

He had lost his pencil for the fourth time in a row and I joked about him constantly loosing it, to which I gave him another and insisted he keeps it, but he insisted on just borrowing it (hurts in retrospect).

He was funny and very opinionated but always commented on me being a "better version of him in every way" in engineering class which came naturally to me, but I always just passed it off.

I will say we don't know if it was suicide 100% but the principals and teachers refer to it as a death without any other explanation, and with the minimal but still in retrospect evident warning signs I don't see any other way it could have happened.

They had therapists at the school today and it was interesting that I didn't see a single guy other that his best friend go to them while almost every girl I'm the school went to see them. Though the reason I didn't was part because I'm scared of therapy (I don't feel the need as I am generally quite happy and have a strong desire to wake up each day) but also because half my teachers explained a whole new concept and did a bunch of work in class which is awful for the people who sought help, for context the school is like three to four hundred so everyone was effected.

I'll probably never know why, but I'm just fucked up right now and this is way to ease that a bit.

I just ask because I personally haven’t? I got the shock bit but I never had anger denial or bargaining? Idk it just doesn’t seem true to my experience? Did the stages actually happen for anyone?

A year ago, we visited our younger daughter’s new campus, it was overnight trip. I grabbed his work travel bag because it was perfect size. That night at the hotel, I found condoms in the bag. It was the beginning of our sad ending. After that, it was just the series of nightmares. Older daughter left home without telling us, his father died, his work did not go well, his mother got sick. Two and half months later, he took his life. During the last couple of months supported him publicly, but I was so angry and sad because of his betrayal (he admitted it), our private life was a mess. I blamed him so much. I know no point thinking about what ifs. But if I did not grab the bag that day, things would’ve been different? I could fully support his difficult time? On the other hand, I think like he had already cheated on me anyway, our marriage wasn’t perfect anymore, I just didn’t know. Stupid social media showed our campus visit photos today. Good reminder… thank you. So, for me, the next couple months will be filled with “what ifs”. Please wish me luck so I can survive.

It’s just been a day of crying. Maybe it’s because me and the baby are sick I don’t know but the waves keep coming now of ‘no this really isn’t a dream, he’s gone, you won’t see him again’

I can’t believe he’s never going to walk through the door, I’ll never see our son get so excited when he walked in or even heard his voice. I’ll never get to see him excited over our son meeting milestones. He was due to start a course for a better job in February, we’ll never see how that turned out. I’ll never see what happened with us, if he did have the intentions of getting clean from the coke.

I need to start moving stuff. I’ve got his Christmas presents and Father’s Day presents on the table in the living room. Everything says ‘happy 1st fathers day’ ‘happy first Christmas as a daddy’ because there was meant to be so much more. I need to move his aftershave and toothbrush etc in the bathroom, it’s just like being body slammed every time I see them. The leftover beers from Christmas on the kitchen side, I need to sort his clothes because he’s not coming back. There is no chance of him coming back, he’s ashes and his parents are trying to wipe all records of him existing because ‘suicide is a sin’. What the actual fuck is that about.

I’ve got all this full blown rage inside me because this wasn’t meant to happen and I don’t know where to direct it. When I lost my mum I directed it at her illness. If it was a car accident etc I could blame the car. Yes I get he must of been sick to do this but we didn’t know until he was dead, I don’t want to be angry at him. I love him so fucking much it hurts. I’m angry at him for the stuff I’ve found out but I don’t know where to direct this fucking anger that he’s dead. 29, whole life ahead of him.

Our son is the image of him, I always used to say they were twins that I copied and pasted him into a baby but he’s growing rapidly and it’s all I see now. There’s a filter on TikTok that turns brown eyes blue and I tried it on the baby and wow, if he had blue eyes they’d be identical. Everyone that sees him commenrs on how tall he is, that’s cause his dad was 6’5 and should still be here. He had so many plans for as he gets older, I’ll do what I can of them but they were best friends it breaks my heart. He’s 1 in exactly a week, he should still be here.

I’m fucking heartbroken

My therapist is worried that I am still blaming myself. It will be two months this month my mom took her life. How do you move on from the guilt when you know you are the one that caused them to spiral to do this? She told my brother she did it because she couldn’t find a good job and couldn’t support herself anymore. She interviewed a few days before and I told her it was not worth it to pursue because they didn’t offer health insurance. We were arguing all weekend the roles became reversed I had to start mothering my own mother because she couldn’t support herself. It started to affect my marriage. I didn’t want to be an enabler. I just wanted her to become more independent. I didn’t know she literally couldn’t do it. I didn’t know she was depressed, but you must be to take your own life right? She was the happiest person, truly. No signs of depression. No history of a mental health disorder. How do I stop blaming myself? If I could go back I would support her no questions asked. I’m so mad at myself that I caused her this much stress that she would take her own life. How do I stop blaming myself

10 days since my dad hanged himself. it feels like i've barely been able to find 10 minutes in any given day where the thought of him being gone isn't plaguing me. it took 8 days to start dreaming again, but even in my dreams his death is looming over me the entire time.

it feels really selfish to think about, but since my dad passed i'm officially an orphan? i guess? i'm 20 years old. when i turn 21 later this year i'll be the same age my dad was when i was born. my mom's been absent since i was a kid, and even before she totally dipped out it was mostly my dad acting as the main parent of my life. now... he's gone.

20 feels like way too young to not have my parents around. i know many people experience it way sooner, but it just feels shattering to me right now. i still feel like a kid, despite the fact that i live on my own. i feel like there's so much i had left to learn from my dad before i was ready to live without calling him to ask questions about tax refunds or what the "heat" section of my utility bill meant.

i know that there were probably so, so many things that went into my dad's decision to end his life. i know logically that it isn't my fault, i can't blame myself... but now, i can't help but think -- my mom left me, and my dad committed suicide. is there something wrong with me? was i just such a horrible child that my parents couldn't take it anymore and i drove them away? if i wasn't born would my dad have been happier in life?

just... another awful thing hanging over me. i keep feeling things and thinking things that i never would have expected. i miss my dad. i'm not ready to be grown

I’m not sad but I’m not not sad if that makes any sense. I feel indifferent.

Someone sent me a photo of his headstone, and I immediately felt guilty for not being able to visit myself. I felt some relief knowing people are visiting him. And I felt happy seeing his resting site, although it hit me like a wave and the tears were almost immediate.

I still can’t believe he’s gone. I don’t know. I feel like a robot most days, just going through the motions. It’s like a bar of soap in your great grandparents house the soap just won’t end. You can chip away at it, soak it but it’s still there. You close the bathroom door, but eventually you have to go back in to use that bar of soap. That’s how I feel. Does that make sense to anyone?

Its been a month already and still Ive been denial and cannot accept what happened. God know how tired I am dealing this pain. This is not the life that I'm expecting. This is too much.

I've been dealing hardship in life but this is TOO MUCH. I am so angry, empty and lonely. This is too much pain.

1 month of mental breakdown I cannot endure for more.

I've been trying therapy and it never works. I feel worst.

IM SO TIRED.

sometimes, i feel like the grief/gravity of the situation make me weird. my best friend passed away 3.5 months ago. i used to share lots of memories of her the first few months after her passing. it helped me bc i needed to talk and i loved sharing stories with her. i mainly shared happy memories we had together- but now, it's a few months later, and i feel weird for talking about her....i don't know why. i don't think any of my friends/family have made me feel this way, but i just feel this way... it's weird. i don't want to be known as the person obsessing over their dead best friend. that's not what i'm trying to do. just some days, i don't know how else to honor her life other than talking about our times together.

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some days, i also go through my day, noticing things i hadn't before. i feel much more appreciative for life. despite the struggle, i think life is beautiful and worth living. i just feel heartbroken in some of the happier moments because i feel sad that she did not see this too, she did not experience or view life as an experience worth staying for.

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anyway, despite it all, very few people understand the pain. many overlook it/feel uncomfortable by the topic. i'm grateful for the people who listen and hear me and make me feel seen. love to you all tonight.

NSFW tag for trigger warning: mention of method and gore

Today I did one of the more difficult things I have been putting off, I removed his phone line from the phone plan and handed in his phone. My husband took his life (GSWTH) in January while I was home. He texted me to say he was so sorry he couldn’t do this any more. I thought he was talking about our marriage. Seconds later I heard the sound. His phone was still lit up with that text as it laid in a pool of his blood. When I got his phone back 7 weeks later from the police it was still coated in dried blood. In a way I’m glad that that reminder of what happened that night is gone, but at the same time I feel like I’m losing a piece of him. He was glued to his phone 24/7. I sent myself all the pictures he had on his phone and took screenshots of his search history looking up firearms up to 24 days before he completed. In a sense the pictures help give me some sort of closure, that this was his plan and what he clearly wanted to do.

I used to be on this thread daily when it first happened. Wanting to feel understood- because our grief is so peculiar and unique. We are united, no matter where we are in the world, our ages, or background- we are united by one thing - someone we love decided to leave this world on their own terms. At first it was so complicated, so many questions to be answered but 6 months later, as life goes on- people move on and some even forget- now everything can be seen so simply…they left on their own terms…

They chose because of various reasons not to go on- and I had to accept the fact that they had the freedom to make that choice but I also have a choice.

I have the choice to decide that tragically losing my husband will not be the definition of who I am, my children will live beautiful lives and our story, although containing a few dark chapters, will have colour again and be an amazing book full of lessons, wisdom, grief and growth.

My anger has settled, so has my guilt, I’m finally able to look deep into his eyes when I see his photo, I can laugh at our funny moments and the kids and I can share memories openly, and with sincere love and admiration for the man he was.

To anyone that still feels the freshness of the pain- know that it will get better and don’t feel guilty when it finally does…

We all deserve to live again.

So angry at everything had a huge anxiety attack last night , I ended up screaming super loud outside multiple times and I’m sure my whole neighborhood heard me… I feel angry that everyone has left me alone and that no one talks to me or checks up on me anymore or comes to see me , I feel so angry at the world that my dad is gone and there is nothing I can do . This morning was really rough as well couldn’t bring myself to finish doing the dishes a huge wave of anxiety and anger hit me. I’m so tired of feeling like this it’s exhausting

I found my husband hung: I’ve gone from completely wanting to die. Crying my eyes out, numb, I have some fun within the 3 months this has happened. I got a 2 week break feeling ok.

But I’m wondering if grief can cause clinical depression. That’s my fear. I’m trying to work through my emotions. I let myself cry to death, I feel the emotions. I just don’t want to be absolutely depressed to the point I join my husband.

A Prayer for Those Who Have Lost Loved Ones to Suicide

May we be free to grieve in our own ways.
May we take all the time we need to heal the wounds nobody can see.
May we give ourselves the compassion we wish our loved ones could have felt.
May we open our hearts even though it hurts, and recognize that it hurts because it mattered, and that our hearts are big enough to hold it all.
May we allow ourselves the space to process such great pain.
May we learn patience and forgiveness and accept that so many questions will not have answers.
May we never close our own lives to the support we know we need.
May the support systems we build teach us courage and faith, and to honor our loved ones’ lives and everything they were to us.
May the pain we carry grow lighter as we grow stronger.
May we find purpose in the darkness we’ve crawled through, and be brave enough to make meaning out of what we can’t change.
May we choose expression over silence, and solidarity over solitude.
May we create something beautiful out of what happened, whatever kind of beauty we’re drawn to, and may everything we do in love, be done for them.
In their name, may we learn to love all over again, and again, and again.
"May the radiance and beauty of their lives never be defined by their death." (unknown)
As we remember their light, may we feel that same light flowing through our veins.
No matter how long it’s been, may we feel their presence so completely, it’s almost as if they’ve never left.

Jennifer Healey

https://healingbrave.com/blogs/all/prayer-lost-loved-ones-to-suicide

I wrote this down in my journal and it has helped me immensely. I hope you all can find comfort in these beautiful words as well. Stay strong everyone! God loves you

I lost my dad in July. I have learned to celebrate his life instead of being suffocated with grief. His name was Mauricio Alberto Echeverri and we watched movies all the time together. I remember one of the funniest/most unexpected moments came at the end of the movie Daddy's Home, where John Cena appeared outta nowhere. I remember the entire cinema howling with laughter, and me sitting beside my dad laughing really hard. Another time we completely lost our shit was the ending to the movie Bruno. That was legendary

Please feel free to share ANYTHING about your loved one, any personal or funny quirks, special memories, anything! No matter how small. I love you all and may god bless you

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My girlfriend hung herself on the 6th and being taken off life support today the 13th, it was suggested to me that is is a great place to release. I don't know how, all I feel is pain.

made myself carrot and orange juice this morning, but ended up throwing up 2 hrs later.

didn’t eat anything besides drinking a few sips of water and ignored messages since ytd too

I've never been this depressed. It feels like all my happiness flew away and replaced it with sadness. I'm full of anger.

This grief is killing my soul. I don't want this anymore.

And now I go on. She was in an urn. Her beauty, warmth, all we shared, all we planned, the mother she was, the partner she was is gone, her smell, her voice, all that she brought me to carry me through a shit time in my life and all that I gave her to try to get through a shit time in her life. Yes, I feel like I could have saved her, the night before I told her I was there for her for whatever she needed, I asked her not to leave that morning, told her it was a mistake. I waited for her until I couldn't any longer, watched for her car on the drive back. I ignored her text, the last one she sent while probably standing there deciding what to do. When my phone rang I felt relieved that she was calling me, only to hear her son's voice telling me she ended up killing herself today. We reaffirmed with each other that we had to live for our children. I never considered that I'd have to tell her she had to live for me, but I wasn't enough. I'm so sick. I'm 53, she was a step in rebuilding my life, and now I'm back to nothing. My whole life I feel like it's been a process of picking myself up after getting knocked down, and I'm so tired of doing it. She realized that it never stops. One day it will all be over and we can be happy. I know it. No, there's always going to be something. Yeah, there will always be something.

Just been thinking about relationships in general and was curious. Thank you in advance for sharing !

Sorry long text coming in-

Hi all, I lost my sibling several months ago. My brother and I were really close and basically talked everyday despite living far apart. I feel like it was an honor to be my brother’s emotional support person because he would tell me everything, and he was struggling for a while before he took his own life. I know it’s not my fault the things that happened to him, but we had an argument and I had not talked to my brother for like a month and a half because I was upset with him. In the week that he passed away, we had made up but I failed to help him when he was most vulnerable because my mental health was suffering that week and honestly I felt disturbed by what happened to him and was trying to think of how to best help him while he was staying over at someone else’s house. My brother was a domestic abuse victim and he stepped out of his apartment to get away and his gf decided to end her life in the hr he stepped out. Suicide is not caused by one thing but a multitude of reasons and that obviously drove my bro to the edge, especially since there was some build up of negative emotions that I wasn’t there to help him in the 1 1/2 months I wasn’t talking to him. This is also due to the fact that I was the only person in my bros life he confided in.

I know I had the privilege of knowing everything that happened to him and he also left a note saying the nicest things to a few people (including me) before he passed away. I know manye unfortunately don’t get closure with knowing the reasons “why” However, I still have a lot of unresolved feelings like feeling super anxious about the future because I don’t have a great relationship with my parents, I don’t have any extended family like Aunts and am on the aromantic spectrum. I feel like I have explored some new hobbies that helped, but I feel dread thinking about the future and that there won’t likely be a person that’s gonna be in the majority of my life like my bro. This is kinda selfish of me to say, but I feel like I’ll never have a strong as relationship with anyone like my bro, especially since friendships come and go, and society as a whole prioritizes romantic relationships.

I know there are some great parents who unfortunately lost their children in this sub <\3. However, im also struggling with resentment towards my parents because my bro and I never had a good relationship where we could go for them for help without getting yelled at or being taken seriously. Also feeling resentment towards the world because although I’ve been lucky to have good experiences, a lot of people were terrible to my brother, and he felt and wrote that in his note that he “no longer felt welcomed in this world :( “I know grief fundamentally changes people, but I’ve really been struggling with resentment and anger, especially since I never really considered myself to be a bitter person.

I had previously tried therapy for something else and found success with it. However, my previous therapist retired and the new one and I didn’t vibe and made things worse for me by saying things like “you gotta move on it’s in the past” after just two sessions with her.

TDLR: lost my brother, and feeling lost in life and hopes for the future since people give us meaning. Struggling with counterproductive feelings towards my family and the world. Need advice to get through these emotions.

My mom didn’t even write a note to say goodbye and I’m racking my brain of why she didn’t if she didn’t think we loved her enough just why she wouldn’t say goodbye she wrote in her journal a few weeks ago that she wished for a repaired relationship with her daughter and I feel so guilty and horrible because I didn’t know she thought our relationship was broken and I feel so guilty for being mean to her I’m so sorry I made you feel that way mommy

My friend passed away almost 10 months ago and I still can't really comprehend it. I can definitely understand what happened but I feel like the denial never really goes away. Or it hasn't for me. We met online but hanged out irl on multiple occasions and I really considered him like a brother to me. I just remember thinking to myself how fulfilling and healthy our friendship was. His presence just brought me so much comfort and security. Even though I only knew him for three years, he really did improve my life for the better. Now without him I just feel like I'm adrift. Like a part of me died with him. Anyone feel this way too?

I have created a support group for Siblings affected by suicide.

I am a sister who lost her brother 7 years ago.

My way of keeping his memory alive, is by continuing to try and help others.

Whether it's understanding grief, or just being apart of a community of people who know what you have been through.

Its a safe place, for open communication.

My plan is to take this group to schools in my country and spread awareness.

The link is here - https://www.reddit.com/r/siblingsofsuicide/s/4wnDYct5BA

My motto is, you do not walk alone. Walk with us.

You are safe, loved and appreciated with me.

Last October my (f23) brother (m14) took his life. I don’t live at home but I frequently use to visit and call my brother. I’d speak with him at least once or twice a week, I just got the random thought in my head as I sit here and eat my dinner to call my brother. And almost as soon as I thought that the realisation that I can’t came. We would sometimes end up on the phone for hours talking about his life or my life. We would talk about memes we found funny and send eachother funny photos just so we could hear the others reaction on the phone. He was not just my brother but he was my best friend and knowing I’ll never have another conversation with my best friend is really hard to think about.

Today is the 2nd anniversary of my mothers suicide.

I do miss her. the time before that had been challeniging for us too, I wish she had it just a bit easier in her life. I hope it will gwt a bit easier for me too and I might find ack into life at least a bit.
right now I have nobody else to ahre this with except you.
widhing the best for all of you

The more I think about it the more it hurts , it’s been a little over a month now and I think about it every single damn day . I miss my dad so much and I don’t know why he would do this to me , why he would take his life on my own birthday , why he left me this way . I just want things to go back to normal , but I’m hurting so much.

Has anyone found out things about their person that they weren’t aware of before they passed?

I spoke with my late boyfriend’s mom today and found out some information about my boyfriend that wasn’t necessarily “bad” but it was surprising and it made me realize he hadn’t told me complete truths about some things in our relationship.

Now. They were VERY small, minor things and absolutely nothing that I would have ever broken up with him over or anything like that but it definitely made me question his honesty in our relationship for the first time ever. And of course now he’s not here for me to talk to about it & it’s been putting me in a weird headspace all day.

I don’t want these stupid little things to taint the relationship that I had with him or wonder what else he did or didn’t tell the whole truth on in the time we were together.

Up until today I had nothing to question except for his suicide. Our relationship was great & I never once thought he’d left details out about anything. But now I’m so surprised that I’m feeling “lied” to and “betrayed” by him & I don’t know what to do because he’s not here to explain. I’m left to my thoughts & conclusions but I really don’t want this to tarnish the memory of my relationship with him. Because my memories are so so good. I’d really hate for this to mind fuck me forever.

But I can’t shake the dishonesty out of my mind & thought I’d come here to see if anyone else had experienced something similar & was able to work past it? Thank you!