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i feel like a hostage in my own life, like when he died he took a part or all of me and took it to a place he couldn’t come back from. i’m just being drug behind the wheels of life, too scared to just let go but too traumatized and hopeless to see a point in trying, or to even be able to try. i’m not a person anymore, he took that from me. he took my family away, he took my brother away from me. he took my life away. nothing can ever be the same. it’s been three years and it isn’t any better, i just feel haunted, like he’s there in every room, his dead face staring at me like it’s all my fault. i’ll never forgive myself for all the ways i feel like i failed him, like i killed him. it feels like nobody in my life understands how scared i am of the nightmare i’m stuck inside of and all i do is let everyone down with how miserable and cynical and hopeless i am. i’m truly terrified it will never feel different than this and that i’m just wasting time eeking out a little extra time in a truly rotten life i’ll only grow to further regret. i don’t think i can fix it and if i can’t fix it i don’t know how to live with it

Comment below what your “symbol” is that you see and automatically think of your loved one 💖

I am an only son (27M). I used to have a happy family. Then, my parents got in a fight and got divorced when I was 7, my dad got a stroke when I was 17 and got a new family. He's now living a bit far from my place. Things have started getting better recently and my mom just left me here when I turned 27 for 2 months.

Alone, abandoned in this world.

I found her body unexpectexly because we love each other so much. She called me and smiled at me just 12 hours before. She had a great BF who really cared for her. Her health got worse but not that serious 2 months ago, probably gradually giving her depression after multiple failed treatments. She thought she would be a burden to people who cared for her. What a joke!?!

And this is how you treat the people you care for and caring for you? The moment I see your miserable face tied in that rope, the hopeless effort to lift you up so that it would not choke you, the hopeless CPR for 50 mins straight just to make you look like you were really breathing. That moment I looked up the stair and unexpectedly see you hung up there, will haunt me forever.

Mom, why do you leave me here alone? Dont you want to see me again every weekend? Did you hate me that much? I feel like all the time together, you just doesnt love me like you say? I do not believe it. YOU LOVE ME ALOT MOM. Why you do that to your beloved son?

I really hope that my pathetic life could end soon so that I can meet vou and ask why? I am so pissed,mom.

I absolutely HATE that I cannot invite my sister to events anymore. My husband and I are currently building a house, more so my husband. He’s been working on it by himself (on and off) for almost two months now and we’re at the point where we want to write positive messages on the studs before they get covered up. So we’ve invited friends and family to come visit. The ONE other person I want to share this moment with isn’t here anymore. She knew all the trauma we’ve faced in the last 3 years of living with my in laws. She knew how hard things have been for me and how much of an accomplishment this is for us. Not being able to share any of this with her just hurts. There’s always something missing in my life now. Surely, I’m not alone.

She was kind of judgmental. Not in a bad way really. She would always make fun of me for my plate of various foods being the same color, or would laugh at the games I would play, or would comment on outfits I wore- I don’t really believe in an afterlife, but, a part of me never feels alone since her death. I wonder if she can view me and is laughing to herself or telling me things that I can’t hear. A part of it is comforting to me. Sometimes I’ll play music she would have liked, or imagine she’s watching me while I game pretending she is there. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t do something “because she could be watching and I don’t wanna out myself like that” lol

Suicide bereavement can be so fucking weird. I miss her, man.

I keep having dreams about her. My mom took her life in September of 2024 and I’ve had about 5 dreams (that I can remember) that she didn’t actually die. It ranges from “that person who died wasn’t me, that was a mix up and I’m actually still alive” to me catching her before she kills herself and saving her. I take her in and house her and make sure she gets back on medication and goes to therapy. All the things I wish I could have done. I wake up feeling confused followed by immense sadness that those dreams were not true. Reality hits me again and I realize she’s actually gone and she’ll never come back. Waking up with the memories of these dreams has been torture. I wish they would stop.

In our quest for answers we decided to ask for the police report. It was very difficult to read, but we did learn one additional detail about that night. The girl my brother was seeing insisted he was completely fine. No arguments, etc. The police report mentions he was involved someone else and was confronted about it by her, likely that same night. We aren't blaming either girl, but we just knew there was more to it. He was loyal to a fault. Sadly the girl he was seeing also was seeing other dudes. I just wish he would have stopped and talked to someone.

i come from a long line of attempts and successes.

before i was even born my legacy was already written as the granddaughter of the man that shot his girlfriend and killed himself. he left 10 orphans between both families.

my aunt and uncles drank and drugged themselves to death. one uncle almost cut his arm off as a teenager (deliberately) and shot himself in the head (survived both), the other three boys drank themselves to death until they passively died in other ways from addiction, and my singular aunt died from a drug induced heart attack.

when my dad was living what did he do? he found someone that reminded him exactly of the chaos of home: my mom. she attempted suicide (my whole life) and surely started that cycle long before i was ever a sparkle in my dad's eye. he had to cut her down from a tree one day. one night she drove into an underpass. i can still remember the way the dried blood looked on her face that morning, and the way she smelled as my toddler body crawled on top of her, not realizing what happened the night before.

my first memory of my mother was a failed attempt at 5 years old; it was massively bloody and gory. i feel like it's all i've ever known on so many levels, but it ends with me. the thoughts are there, the feelings are there. it has plagued my family and destroyed everyone's lives on both sides, but i will never follow suit.

it ends with me.

I lost my Alex August of 2023. I was the one who found him, with the help of the cops. He had posted a note on the door to call them and not enter because we planned the day together but instead he took his life. He was 26. We were best friends for 10 years, then when I returned to Colorado we began the best relationship of our lives. My soulmate. I still think about him everyday. I still send him messages when I need to, which is weekly at this point as opposed to daily. But I just turned 27 and the first thing I thought of was the fact that I’m older than him now. I still think about that day. I think about how I slept in, thinking “oh hey, I’m gonna catch more Zzz’s and do up my makeup and look so good for him so we can have fun all day”. I even put my colored contacts in so he could see them. Then I showed up to his place, and his dog was outside which if he was home she wouldn’t have been. My heart dropped. I knew something was wrong. And then the rest is history.. the only thing I can be thankful for is that his mom has finally accepted me and I can talk to her whenever I need to, whether about my life or reminiscing. I miss Alex so fucking much. I posted on this sub a couple days after it happened, so I felt the need to post again giving these feelings I’m having.

I’m about to enter rehab for my alcohol addiction. It was there when him and I were together, I mean that was one of the things we did together. Drink until oblivion. But I finally recognized I’m killing myself by keeping this addiction and all I can think about is him and how proud he would be. We talked about getting sober together, but he wasn’t able to. So I have to for him. I have to live for him. And be so proud that this incredible human loved me with his whole heart and I love him.

I’m going to miss you every day for the rest of my life. You took a piece of my heart with you when you left. I understand why you made your choice, but I would give anything to have you here with us. I wish you could be here to see how much everyone in your life loves and adores you.

The best brother, son, husband and friend. A light in this cruel and dark world. I’ll love you forever. Give dad a kiss for me.

Until we meet again,

Little sister

Lost my best friend about 7 months ago. He used to drive to this nature preserve where he would go off trail to this secret spot in the woods to be alone. These two small streams converged in that spot and he would bring a lawn chair and a cigar with him and he would just sit there.

When everything started to fall apart for him at the end, that’s where he chose to do it. He was always obsessed with sunsets and sunrises. Whenever we were in front of one he would ask me or our other friend to take a picture of him by himself, silhouetted, facing away from the camera looking out at the sun. Never really thought anything of it.

The day that he killed himself. He drove out to this spot in the early hours of the morning, but this time carrying a rifle bag instead of a camp chair. He arrived at his spot likely just as the sun was rising, put a shotgun up to his face, and pulled the trigger.

He dealt with depression on and off most of his life, but more recently was dealing with a really rough heartbreak. Very soon after he died I came to find out he had been very dishonest with me and many other loved ones about a number of very important things that affected our lives very very negatively in a financial way.

Being completely heart broken at the loss of a best friend has been horrible, but on top of that trying to make sense of the lies that were told to us and understanding his true intentions are the things that keep me up every night. The fact that he never apologized. The fact that he knew I would find all this out after he was gone and didn’t leave me a note just to explain why.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s okay to be furious at the dead. To curse their name in anger… but also miss them and love them so much. I think I’ve experienced every emotion and I’m still trying to process it all. I’m still in shock. It has stripped my passion from life in many ways.

I explained in a previous post on here what happened but is it normal to feel nothing? It’s been a week today since my non biological dad killed himself and i beg god to let me cry again because the first two days i was in shambles but now I feel absolutely nothing besides occasional anger. And i get so angry at little things. I just want to cry. I can feel the sting in my chest that wants to cry but it quickly fades and I feel nothing again. I miss him. I thought i saw him today and i remembered he died.

I saved him from quite a few previous attempts before he finally did it… Has anyone else had a simular experience?

The guilt that I didn’t/wasn’t able to save him that final time is overwhelming. I very often have nightmares that I’m searching for him in the woods with a flashlight again. That’s my most common nightmare. I experienced this in real life a few days before he died. I was checking the branches because he had grabbed a rope and I couldn’t find him. It turns out he was actually parked on the train tracks in our train town… Which I saved him from afterward and talked him off of.

Before that he tried to light himself on fire. He called me and we talked for like an hour.

just missing her. doesn’t feel like the weight has been lifted. i think i am okay and then burst into tears in the middle of class. i miss my mama every second of every day

On Christmas day I almost lost a patient. A stranger to me, I fought compassionately and exhaustively for his survival. With a team of nurses following my lead, this man is alive today. I became the nurse I idolised as a student running that code blue emergency with such grace. The pinnacle of my career.

So tell me? Why do I struggle to fight as hard for my own survival?

That day I fought alongside him. I was struggling to find strength in myself for this battle with depression. He was struggling to maintain strength for his physical life. I gave everything in my power as a nurse and a human being to save the life of this man. All the while slowly feeling like I was giving up on my own. I was incredibly proud of myself and yet felt so empty, alone. I recieved praise for my efforts and felt torn. Two years prior on Christmas eve was the last time I saw and spoke with my sister. It was weighing so heavy on me this year. It was all consuming that feeling of loss. I was purely exhausted.

I learnt afterwards that this man had suicidal ideation prior to the life changing surgery he had a week prior. He was struggling with finding purpose knowing the quality of his life was about to change in a potentially devastating way.

On new years eve I visited him on the ward. I was welcomed so lovingly by him and his family. I never felt so appreciated than in that moment. A week later, the anniversary of my sister's suicide, I received a card from him and his wife that said "Not all lifesavers work at the beach or wear capes. We are forever linked. Words will never express the gratitude and thanks. You have given me a second chance at life that I will not waste. Thank you."

I saved this man, but I couldn't save her. I saved this man, but can I save myself? Speaking with him I saw this effervescence for living, I even told him so. The turn around I observed was inspiring. The determination to live, not just survive. A near death experience and a week. Is that what it takes for a new lease on life? I so don't want to put mine at risk just to appreciate and value it. However I observe in myself destructive behaviours that push people away. All I feel is alone in a crowd of people with the best of intentions. All that is wanted for me by those that care about me is to be happy. However I have been so severely traumatised, happiness is difficult to achieve. So I then feel like a disappointment.

Why is it easier to care for others than it is for yourself? Why can I see exordinary value in the life of others but devalue myself?

As this man said. "We are forever linked". I take inspiration from his fight to survive and his will to live. There is always a chance. A better possibility.

Calling all health professionals, first responders, who struggle with their mental health. Can you relate?

On Christmas Day of 2024 my father murdered his girlfriend and then shot himself. The whole family was shocked and it gutted everyone. He had been suffering from PTSD for years and ever since he retired from law enforcement we all noticed a shift in his demeanor. He became more of a recluse and was really difficult to get a hold of. After years of trying to get a text or call back from him I kind of stopped trying as much and was just letting him be. We had a great relationship and would always talk for hours when I managed to get a hold of him, but he wouldn’t answer my calls 9/10 times. I feel so terrible and feel like a bad son for not trying hard enough. I knew my dad was struggling, but over time I kind of just gave up. There’s so many what ifs going through my head and I feel like my world is crashing in on me. My heart feels like it’s been iced over and I’m dead inside. My future kids will be missing a grandfather. It’s sad to say, but I was not totally shocked when I found out about his suicide just from how he’s been for a while. The murder is what baffles me the most. It just seemed so out of character for him and our whole family is confused about it. He was an outstanding police officer who received many awards and did many great things for his community. He always talked so passionately about the work he was doing when he was in the human trafficking unit. He went above and beyond in his police work to help people. How could he throw all that away and take someone’s life in cold blood? It’s such a painful thought to deal with. I’m sorry that this is a rambled mess but I just wanted to put this out there.

I’ll keep this brief but even when I’ve had an ok day. I keep having vivid dreams about grief like having to explain to people in my dream what the grief feels like. I cry in my dream and I wake up sobbing in real life. It’s adding a whole extra challenge because I’m not even getting relief when I sleep these days. I’m nearly a year out. Has anyone else had this or managed to find a way to alleviate it?

Its been 28 days since my boyfriend ended his own life. In the beginning it was a wave of sadness, it was difficult to accept it till around 20 days...but now it's all pain, anger and confusion. Pain of knowing he isn't here anymore, and that I would never feel loved again the way he loved me. I will go around searching for the love, care and comfort, he gave me..I am now at a place where I search for him in everyone who comforts me, yet I am disappointed everytime because no one could ever make me feel at ease like he did, no one could make me feel better than what I'm feeling right now. Confusion as to why he did it, why he never let me know what he felt, why he never told me that he feels like ending his life. I am questioning my own ability to live, understand and comfort my loved ones...I am thinking as to wasn't my love and care enough for him to feel like he can rely on me for whatever that is happening...wasn't a good partner? Was I too egoistic? Was I only thinking about myself and my own pain and struggles? Was I not paying attention to his cry for help..? I am angry at myself for not seeing all the clues he gave me, the passive suicidal dialogues...his favourite songs all are cry for help..it's all songs that comfort us in situations of pain...all the times i fought with him thinking of my own emotions only...the last fight we had ended up with him apologising and crying, asking me to stay with him...I did stay..but he decided not to. How am I supposed to live well while all this is going through my head. Everyone is saying I'm young and that I have to focus on my life, but how do I do that...what do all these people know..I am in so much pain yet I have to put on an act, and try to live forward. Too much to bear, I miss him every moment. I miss the way he would call when I'm upset, or is sad...everynight I long for his call. Calling me to ask me if I'm ok...I text his dead phone everyday...send him voice notes... expecting what?..Idk why I'm doing all these crazy things...is it Just me..or do everyone do this when they lost their person?..

Hey guys, it's been a tough few days. It's been a year and a half ish since my sisters suicide. We were incredibly close. Survived an abusive home growing up together. We supported each other in times that no one else understood.

I just... Have been having such a hard time finding true joy. It still feels like I'm coping with life instead of experiencing it. And it's felt like that since her death.

Does it get better? Should I get on anti-depressants? I would love to hear from people who are somewhat on the other side of this.

Peace and love to everyone here thank you 🙏🏻

things have been falling apart recently, due to how terribly i was in the first couple months after my closest friend took her life.

yesterday, i was forced to fire one of my student employees because of an administrative mistake i made back in october, about two months after my best friend died. i shouldn’t have even been working at the time. everyone knew that, and no one picked up any of the slack from that time. something fell through the cracks, and because of it, hr forced us to terminate someone. it’s my fault for forgetting to do something back then, but at the same time, it would have been nice if someone else could have helped me around that time. even after i pleaded the case to hr (and a whole fucking committee) and wrote a statement about how i was dealing with the sudden and traumatic loss of someone close to me, they still didn’t give a shit. they still forced us to fire her. i just feel so, so bad. everything at work is falling apart, and i cannot find the strength to work anymore. i can barely find the strength to get out of bed, let alone do my dumb ass job i don’t care about.

also in the aftermath, looking for comfort, i let someone back into my life that i absolutely should not have. she and i went back to how things were almost immediately, despite a hard conversation last april where we both had to set boundaries and take space from one another. but we’re right back to the same cycle. the exact same fucking cycle, and we are back at the gaslighting phase this week. i’m just so mad at myself for letting her back in and going right back to the old ways she would harm me. but unfortunately there are once again other factors that mean she and i have to be in each others lives for at least a while longer.

i’m just so sick and tired and done. i want to talk to my best friend about the ways my life fell apart since she killed herself. but also, she’d be so mad at me. she’d be curt and mean to me once again for going to her with my problems, so actually, maybe it’s best that i just can’t.

i just want to be better. i want to continue with my life. i just don’t see how i can right now in my current state. i already decided to take two weeks off at the end of february (just so happens presidents’ day will be 6 months since she died, so even though i didn’t plan it that way, it’ll be fitting that my two weeks off will begin then).

i’m just so fucking tired.

My younger brother killed himself last February. The last time I saw him, he asked me to be his best man and help him plan the wedding. He killed himself a couple weeks later while trying to breakup with his fiance.

Fast forward to today, and I’m trying to plan my own wedding and the planning process is fucking with me quite a bit. I get so sad and angry while looking at venues, deciding on food, planning logistics. I finally told my fiance all of this last night. I want to get married, but why should I get to enjoy something he wanted to enjoy? Why did I have to try to steer him away from his fiance? He was in an incredibly toxic relationship and I wasn’t the only one trying to do this, but I could have been so much more supportive.

I just want him to be by my side throughout the entire wedding process, but I’m so angry with him, which turns to sadness.

I feel so bad for my fiance because she doesn’t deserve any of this either. She deserves the best day ever. Idk what to do.

I have felt all sorts of emotions and imagined all possible scenarios leading up to this, but right now I just feel disconnected and kind of empty. Kind of like I’m on my way to my own funeral and have accepted it??? Will probably have a breakdown later though.

How did you get through the funeral? And did it change anything for you emotionally/mentally?

When I was 8 my mom took us to McDonald's, my dad was home. He had cancer. When we came home he was trying to cut his wrists with a kitchen knife. I never saw him again. He went to the hospital and died. He was my person I've never recovered that was in 1980

Although we were together for close to 15 yrs, it just wasn't working anymore. He needed help. I needed help. I reached out, he didn't. He left me with 4 children. My heart hurts everyday. For them.. for him..for me. I never would of thought he was to leave this way. It's a pain I've never felt. An ache that doesn't go away. My children are sad. No therapy, counseling or groups help them. How do I make it better?

In 1999 my sister hung herself, I found her ..I've been thinking her.. I can't remember our life before it. She was 31 I'm 3 years younger, I can't remember our childhood, why?

No, she isn't. She's dead.

I understand people's need to say this to themselves, I truly do; I myself have tried to think it, believe it over the two weeks I've spent without her in the world, without her in our home. I desperately want to be able to trust this and believe this, but I can't: she is not experiencing peace, nor relief, because she no longer exists. She can't feel anything. All she knew was pain and fear, and then she died.

Do I pray that she experienced some level of lift, as she left life? Yes, I do, and I'm not the praying sort. I pray that, as the helium stole the oxygen from her body and she began to drift towards unconsciousness, she felt it lift - the weight of it all, the emotional agony, the feeling that she had no choices left to her. I fucking pray that in her last moments of being able to form thoughts, she felt that relief.

But I don't know. I will never know. I know that the last words she heard from me were - thank god - 'I love you'. I know that she left the world knowing that she was loved by at least one person. Is that a comfort? Is anything a comfort right now?

I hope I manage to not scream at those people who try to tell me "at least she's at peace now". I hope I manage to not take away that modicum of comfort they're able to glean from this.

Yesterday, I visited the funeral of an old friend of mine who sadly took his own life in what we speculate as a result of his breakup with his ex. He was cremated. I just noticed it looks like they often cremate suicide cases, and I can't stop wondering why. Do you guys have any idea? I've been thinking about this ever since yesterday and I don't wanna ask the grieving family as well as it would feel disrespectful.

That’s all. I still miss him. He was a good dad.

For context I’m not looking for advice, nor am I ready to move on. My experience is extremely recent, as of a month today. This was someone I’ve spent the last three years with everyday. Someone that I genuinely believed I would probably be spending my life with. I’m 26, she was twenty five. Love with communication and expression both physically and mentally are something I’m made of- and I also crave it. My whole life I’ve considered being with someone who has lost a partner and I can imagine it being very challenging for both people. But I didn’t ever ever ever think I would be that person suffering from a loss. I’m very concerned for my future and relationships involved in it. I’m really curious how other people who might relate to my situation have survived their partners suicide and even found love afterwards and how their death and the grief following it effects you today, how it effects your relationship, and how your partner handles it.

Hugs going out to all of you suffering through suicide bereavement. You’re not alone.

Every heartbreaking post I've read on here, the love one they've lost seems to have been suffering for years before it got too much. My love was only unwell for weeks prior to taking his life. I can't get my head round this being real. He tried all the right things, he went to his GP, was already on meds, saw a counsellor, realised that wasn't cutting it and was starting with a psychologist. Then on his last morning he cancelled the appointment and ended his life. I don't understand how this can happen so fast. Why didn't he speak to me, he just ignored me and I felt so rejected that I got annoyed. We had never argued once. At his funeral the other day, the last person to see him alive told me he said our relationship was 'strained'. I have so much guilt. It wasn't strained, I just needed his support in this pregnancy and he refused to see me and shut me out. We had a good chat the last time I saw him and he told me I wouldn't be doing things alone. That was the last time I saw him and now he's dead and I want to be too.