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Hardest one yet ❤️‍🩹

Does anyone have any songs that get them through? Music is how I get through things and honestly, give me the sadder the better. Lost my baby brother a year past march but it could have been yesterday with how I feel. So please give me your songs to her through

Today marks one months since my younger brother commited.

Right now, I'm really struggling with anxiety over my parents. I know it's not my job to take care of them, but I do my best to support them. I have such a visceral fear that my mom is going to kill herself; she's at home alone all day, my dad works, and I live in another city. She has a history of depression and is struggling a lot with the loss of my brother. I don't know if she actually would, but I'm having such bad anxiety about it, and I have panic attacks when I don't hear from her throughout the day. I'm worried my dad isn't processing things and will end up getting really drunk and commiting, but I'm less worried about him since he keeps himself busy.

Has anyone else dealt with this?

I’m spending the day with mutual friends of ours (he was my fiancé) but it’s still hard. I don’t really have much more to say.

I’m not completely losing it after 3 weeks of my best friend attempting and succeeding. I have had days where I cry myself to sleep on the phone with my gf just telling her how I don’t understand and how I feel like I could’ve done more, but then I have days I’m wearing her old hat I got from her room and I’ve been fine but today has been hard I’m trying not to tear up. Like I think I’m pass the denial kinda, but I’ve accepted it’s happened but it’s still like, she is just to busy to text me and that’s why I havnt heard from her. I’m still going to see her for thanksgiving. But I know that’s not real. But I just feel so much guilt. Apparently she had attempted before and she was using hard drugs and I didn’t know.. I was her closest friend. I was supposed to go see her a couple times these last couple months but it was hard and she was planning to see me that Monday.. but obviously she wasn’t going to cause she did it the Friday before. I just wish she would’ve came to me…

I was at the pool today, I try to go four days a week. Its my happy place and the only place I feel I experience progress as I am mentally too unwell to work and return to my degree at the moment after what happened, which is another upsetting loss for me.

I was just finishing up my lengths when a teacher who was prepping for lifeguard class after the public swim was holding one of those swim/lifeguard manikins which is just a torso and head under water, so it would sink, then the lifeguards could practice 'saving' if from under the water. The more he tried to do it from out of the pool, the more he almost lost it because it kept floating away. So he solved this issue by tying a rope around the manikins neck so it wouldn't float away....and I just instantly saw a flash of what my Mother's body looked like when I saw her at the funeral director, and what I imagine she would have looked like when she was found after hanging herself. I didn't even have to think it, my eyes accidently saw it all and my brain just came up with it all immediately. I just about held myself together until I got home, but just now I've had a massive meltdown and panic attack. I just feel so weak and stupid. I know logically why he did that to the manikin, it was a normal thing to do, but I just wish I didn't see it, and it just served as a huge reminder of what I'm always living with and trying to live alongside.

I just feel so upset and mad at myself. I'm so frustrated because I feel like I just can't cope with the outside world. Things I wouldn't have bat an eyelid at over a year ago, are now enough to have me experiencing visions, hyperventilating and crying. I have a great therapist who I'll tell about this, but at the moment I just feel so incapable. I just want to get back to my life and feel fulfilled again, and experience some normalcy but I feel so shackled to what has happened in every way. And little examples like this which should be innocent activities people have the right to do in public completely derail me and I hate it so much. 😞

i got a text friday november 8 from my mom, 2 days before my 27th birthday, that my brother tried to kill himself and he was rushed to the icu. i was in a different city at the time and wasn't quite sure what was happening. I was at school during a break. When me and my other brother finally got to the hospital on the next flight, we walked into the room and i saw him there laying on the bed, with wires and tubes sticking out of him. I didn't know at the time but , when my mom sent me a picture of him, and looking back on it now i think i knew his spirit was gone and it was just his body that they managed to bring back. The doctor said that when they got to his body, his heart was fully stopped and they're not sure for how long, but it damaged all of his brain activity in those few minutes he was in cardiac arrest. They managed to revive him and get his heart to start beating again, but the damage had already been done. My brother was a very complicated guy, for the past 8 years he lived in a different city than my family, and lived in vans or on friends couches. me and my parents always tried to reach out to him, and in the whole time i'd know him, it's sad to say but we never had any deep talks about his feelings and how he felt, which i will regret for life. He never had a permanent address once he moved out from our house to a different city. He seemed to always be trying to run away from something. He struggled with alcohol and drugs. But on the good notes, he was an extremely kind, whacky, musically talented, loving soul and never had a bad word to say about anyone. he was really good with kids, and he always helped people too. He loved making people laugh, and he was always a joy to be around. he was always running and jumping off of something, he had the most energy i've ever seen in a person, it was so amazing to see. I'll never know anyone quite like him. his chinese zodiac was a monkey and it couldn't have been more accurate. It's only been 5 days since it happened. but the amount of love i've received from friends and family has been amazing. and hearing stories of all his crazy adventures has been lovely too, although i wish i could've heard them straight from him. any day now his organs will start to fail and he will be gone for good, im really worried about how my parents and brother will deal with it as we werent the closest , but this will make me want to be as close as possible to them now.my other brother has schizophrenia and has also struggled with suicidal ideation in the past, so i am wanting to be very supportive of him through all this, as he lost his younger brother, and i lost my older one. He was 32 years old. just 5 years older than me, and his birthday was on october 20th. just wanted to put this somewhere and see if anyone had advice or had something similar happen to them. thanks .

My dad took his life three months ago.

My story is similar to many of yours—those of us who’ve lost loved ones to suicide. My dad, like so many others, put our family in life-threatening situations before pulling the trigger.

For example, the way he treated his nieces and nephews is the way he was supposed to treat me. He always gave those who didn’t value him the world, while I, his own child, was left to feel invisible. I won’t lie—it hurt to see him help everyone except his own flesh and blood.

The saying “blood is family, family is blood” feels like a cruel joke. After my dad’s passing, my extended family treated us as if we weren’t even related. We stood by him through his worst moments, through his infidelity, through the fights, but when it came time for us to need support, we were pushed aside.

When my dad would cheat on our family, his nephews would cover for him. When he’d lash out at us, his cousins would stand by him. This is the same man who once treated me like a princess, until the death of his parent. After that, it felt like I came home to a stranger.

What’s been most traumatizing, though, is that his family is trying to hide the fact that he took his own life. How can we prevent future suicides if we can’t even acknowledge the truth? His death was the result of a mindset that prioritized reputation and tradition over the well-being of both him and our family.

Everything reminds me of him, and I don’t understand why I keep crying for a man who gave me PTSD, anxiety, and deep insecurities.

I’m starting to realize that you don’t just “get over” a death. You learn to live with it. This chapter of my life has to be the one where I transform—where I become a better version of myself, despite the pain.

My best friend died on New Year’s Day, around 6:30 am, in 2023. She tried to call me and talk to me before she did it and I didn’t pick up, in fact I was rude to her because she was bothering me. The guilt of that has never ever left me. I am sobbing right now (like I often do) because I just wish I could’ve at least hugged her or said goodbye. These days, I don’t sleep at night until the sun comes up, basically. I don’t have many friendships and absolutely no romantic relationships. I feel like I’m living as a shell of myself, with a scraggly outline of her following my presence each day. I don’t want this new year to begin. The rest of my years are going to be fucking hell. And knowing her dark sense of humor, I can see why she chose to do this on new years, but the irony fucking hurts so bad . I have dreams involving her sometimes but it doesn’t feel like her. She’s really gone, the one and only best friend I ever cared to have (I always kept very few friends and she was always a constant, I would even tell people when she was alive that she was the only friend I ever really needed). I feel so empty, so lost. Time leaves me with more questions than answers and leaves me feeling more bewildered and abandoned than comforted.

hello, i lost my dad in september, im really struggling with getting settled in therapy but trying my best to stay with it, ive been leaving my house a bit more and have been thinking about going to a support group near me, i dont have to sign up or anything and its only twice a month, i really feel like i can only process his death when i talk about it with someone else, it sounds bad but i think having others around me opening up and getting emotional over their loved ones would help my numbness go away and i could be vulnerable as well, i think i can hold it together pretty well with my therapist because its just us two but i dont want to hold it together i want to let it out, im pretty young and i would be going alone which i also think would be nice, i get embarrassed about crying in front of people i know, it would be nice to have nobody know who i was there and to be able to cry, im only worried that i will get anxious, would i be able to leave anytime? i feel like that might be rude but feeling trapped makes me super anxious

It will almost be a year yet since I tragically lost my sibling, I’m still struggling to find meaning or even do things to honor them(like watching a movie they liked, getting a tattoo in memory of them, listening to music they liked, donating to a place they volunteered at etc). I barely have the energy to do my day-to-day tasks and even looking at pictures of them is too heartbreaking. I’m in therapy but I still struggle to even talk about them with other family members, it’s too hard. I wish I could honor them in some way, but I’m too sad.

I was recently raped a few days ago, and it reminded me of how my boyfriend that commit suicide two years ago once said a really fucking mean comment about rape. And I am mad at him all over again. Yes, he was one of the sweetest men ever... but I sometimes randomly feel hurt about his shitty comment about rape

In January, it was the man I was dating. This past week, a dear friend from childhood. One won’t see forty, the other won’t see 50.

I’m still grieving from January but I had improved quite a bit (if doing the bare minimum is an improvement. I don’t think of it every day, I don’t cry every day, I have moments that are fun.

My friend had a history of bipolar disorder, but I only knew about his manic phases. I had no clue he was depressed and it sounds like no one else did either. He made a last Facebook post about trump and then shot himself after the election. Do people take their own lives in manic episodes? He was political, but not extreme, and I don’t think for one second that could have been the reason.

We met when I was in 6th grade and we were fast friends ever since.

He was a veteran, as was my other guy. Thank you to all the veterans out there and if you need help, I profoundly hope you are getting it.

My friend killed himself last week. Today was his funeral. He was the nicest guy. Woke up every day at 5:15 to work out at the gym or run outside, had so many hobbies.. hunting fishing, loved his adult basketball league, he had a really beautiful and kind wife, a daughter, a successful career as an engineer.. group of close knit friends from high school snd college.. organized yearly golf trips with his pals.. and on top of all that he has an incredible family (I’ve known them my whole life) everyone living in the same county, supportive siblings and parents he visited multiple times a week because he moved up the street from them.

Out of the blue he just wrote everyone notes and took his life. How. Why. If I could even find a shred of something in his life.. anything that was a challenge or a disappointment or ANYTHING my brain would be able to grasp at that and see he was struggling ..but man. I’ve got nothing. Someone so well rounded with such a blessed life and his family was truly truly shocked. How does this happen? The fact that this person chose this makes me feel like anyone in my life could because he was THAT stable / happy/ and plugged in (from the outside looking in) idk what I’m looking for here but my brain cannot move on with my normal life. No one has anything to say other than “we will never understand”

Distress, sad, mad, anger, self blame, abandoned, lonely, isolated, disappointed, hopeless, worthless, lose meaning, black, lost, stressful, nightmare, exhausted, devastated, fearful, ashamed, anxiety, heartbreak, failure, terrified, overwhelmed, emptiness and depressed.

I feel all this feeling in the same day almost every day then I ask myself is I ever gonna feel like the same??? 🫣

Our loved one they will feel terrified if they know we experienced all this feelings, I’m just trying make a point .

TLDR; how to navigate presenting myself as able to work while needing some accommodation for my post-trauma state.

Lost my husband Feb. 2024. I told my boss it was suicide, not sure if anyone else knows or assumes, but it was unexpected and they might have an idea.

At first they were telling me to take all the time I needed, etc. I had been part time and they switched me to salary so I could get benefits for me and my family. This was very supportive, obviously. I didn't know how much I was going to be able to work so I said I'd work up to 30 hours/week. I have not yet exceeded 25. Last month my manager kind of harshly said I wasn't working as much as I was getting paid (it was even fewer hours last month, I was sick and some other things). I think it was harsh, we communicated via messaging. So we agreed 25 hours/week with my salary adjusted to that was reasonable, and I think it is. I do get all my bills paid on time, so I'm not panicky about it, but I want to do better than just paying the bills.

I am looking at side hustles and updating my resume. Here are my concerns:

1. I have been with this employer for a decade and I am afraid to make changes by looking elsewhere. On the other hand, I do want to make changes. That's a core issue of every day decisions - I don't want memories in my face all the time, but I want the comfort of familiarity. Have you changed jobs after your trauma? Was it better, worse, both?

2. If I do go back on the job market (which I hope would be my choice, I would not want it to be my employer's choice), I would be working with people who don't know about my loss. I'd be afraid of having a bad day, of needing time for my therapy appointments, of coworkers making innocent comments or jokes that are devastating to me. Do I tell them?

3. I feel like it's hard to go above and beyond at work, to learn new skills, focus on professional improvement, but it's kind of expected of us. I want them to believe I can handle working, but also to know I'm still shaken. I don't know how to navigate this.

Most of the posts I see are people saying things like "Yeah it changes you forever, you never heal"

I can respect that, much like a major physical injury, the potential exists for permanent damage. A car accident can cause significant loss of ability for life, for example

I also imagine that a subreddit for suicide bereavement would attract a sample of people who are still going through it, so it could be that too

Just wondering if anyone here has healed and feels better or back to "themselves"

Its been almost two months since my beautiful partner left us. I still cant believe whatever is going on. Everything feels like a nightmare. It was my birthday two days ago and i was just missing him even when i was around my family after 2 years. There is nothing that makes me truly happy. I am always struggling to survive every minute. I dont know when it starts to get better and how long i can survive this heartbreak

Oh, God. We weren't together for long, but our love was so intense. I remember our bond over baseball, music, adventure, and so much more. I remember you walking me home for the first time ever, and our karaoke night that brought down the house. We were up and down, baby. I was so angry at the way things ended. I never wanted you to know, so I ran away, again.

I thought I was setting you free. You were my first love. You were everything. You had no idea what I would have given for you, if only you'd let me.

Now, you're gone. I know it's not my fault, but I'll never forget what you told me. I know, unfortunately, I did matter to you - much more than I'm willing to stomach. I didn't get the chance to really know your family and friends. I found out from the sidelines that you passed.

In my shame, I was your last love. I could never, ever, ever forget you. I'll love you no matter how much it hurts me. I never thought I would be on the other side of this. I thought someone would make a post about me like this someday. This stinks. I'll become a Nats fan in your honor or maybe I'll stay loyal to the Astros just to stick it to you.

Goodbye, my love. You will forever mean the world to me. I really mean that.

Nearly 3 years ago I lost my best friend, the years since have seen the pain lessen from searing, screaming rage to a quiet, slightly throbbing ache. But some moments bring the strength of feeling back in various different ways, some painful & some joyous - I just woke up from a good dream:

TW - Brief mention of recreational drugs

We withstand a tornado. Hiding in alcoves, protecting a group of little girls who have lost their mothers with my arms outstretched, crouching in front of them reaching behind me to soothe their fears. I go and find L in the aftermath - she has fallen asleep!

I softly and sweetly stroke her forearm gently to wake her up, she suggested earlier we pick up some ecstasy (we were both party girls when we met, but settled down and left that life behind gradually over next couple of yrs of our friendship) for after, but I have plenty to share. We embrace and our arms wrap around each other. She smells like turmeric and warm skin. My right hand clasps the back of her neck and my left rests on the middle of her back. We share a chaste friendly kiss on the lips and she gives a loud giggle. Big smiles.

Woke up crying ❤️‍🔥 but happy. Glad I got to know her, and everything she taught me & helped me to see and feel. Changed forever, but not all in a bad way.

hi so i don’t really know why im posting here but i just really wanna let it out my mother was an amazing woman. everyone she met always said she had so much life in her and she was so funny and amazing. she struggled with mental health her entire life, her ex husband killed himself and in the same month her grandma and her dad (my grandpa) died. she was always so wild but something changed in her after that, it was like she wasn’t ever the same and she was always faking something. it really came out of nowhere too, she’d just gotten a new job, we had a house (i was 12 at the time) and everything was great. i went to my dads for the weekend and then boom, he told me she’d hung herself. i don’t think i ever really processed it. she left me a note, saying she loved me and telling me to do better and how she regrets it. i feel like it’s never going to get easier, i just forget her more. i don’t remember what she looked like in person, her voice , recipes, anything . it’s all just fading away. sometimes it gets easier, but then i crash and something happens and all i do is think about her and miss her. today in the lost and found at my job , there was a necklace that said “i love you to the moon and back mom” and i spiraled. all i can do is think about her. is this even something i can ever get over? i keep going from anger to sadness to acceptance and then back to anger and sadness again, like a cycle. i think i blame myself, for never really asking how she was. i saw her crying and her fighting with boyfriends and i never really asked her. i didn’t think she’d ever leave me. it’s been 9 years and it does not get easier. i feel like a piece of me is empty and the more i miss her the more i forget her and the more i cling to this idea of her that i don’t even think was really her. i don’t know if any of this makes sense. i miss my mommy. i want her back. i wish she kept going.

My partner took his life on the 27th of October 2023.

Today, I received a text from the attending officer in my partners suicide, who prepared the police evidence and report for the coroner.

The coroner has since reached out to him and said they want more information and would like me to make a statement. I don’t have to make one and that he will call me tomorrow to discuss this. I am definitely going to give a statement, for many personal reasons.

I know the text is legitimate, so there is no cause for concern there and he had also advised he had called my mother, prior to texting me. She is still at work so I will speak to her shortly, too. This also isn’t strange but to explain, the post would get too long and derail.

Oddly enough, I actually reached out to the coroner around a month ago so this could either be in response to that or they may have intended to reach out anyway.

I am wondering if anyone has given a statement for the coroner before? If so, what were your experiences? Were you asked questions to prompt and guide you and what those questions were or was it unstructured?

Appreciate any responses & sorry for everyone’s loss.

My partner of 7 years was very close with my family. So their death not only hurt me, but really hurt my parents and siblings too.

My younger sister has always been the extroverted life of the party. She's a very kind and sensitive person. Losing basically an immediate family member in such a sudden awful way really fucked with her. She's in therapy and has support. But as you all know....this shit still affects you, regardless of how good your support system is.

Her best friend just told her that he's "tired of making excuses for why she's not as fun anymore", and basically told her she should be "over it" by now. It's barely been 5 months! Go fuck yourself, dude! He's never lost anyone in his life, and could never understand.
My sister isn't even being a sad lump like I've been - she supports her friends and treats people well and just hosted a big halloween party. She's just sad in her own room sometimes, like a normal person. I can't believe how selfish and unempathetic her friend is being right now.

I'm just fuming about this rn and needed to vent. Sometimes people are really disappointing.

I have a very good friend that I called when waiting for police after my partner hanged himself in our home in late August. She was the only one I called - the victims advocate later called others on my behalf. Aside from a couple "how are you?with a smiley face' texts that I responded to in length, I only got a couple "liked a photo" from her as a response. The last time I heard from her was over 2mths ago. Fortunately, I have other close friends who have been incredible but I just feel really disappointed in this one friend. Anyone had a similar experience? Thanks.

Hey friends my Dads anniversary is coming up very soon and I've been struggling with a lot of triggering memory's. 2Pac is getting me through. I wrote this poem about these feelings:) peace ✌️

The elusive dream, just like the elusive thought The vigilante with a death wish So much substance he won't even feel it Die a hero or live to write the sequel

A gloved reminder of grieving through a mice plague Stench of rotting regrets lays on the dry lawn And debt collectors come and pay their respects

A young adult fam member, caught up in their feels, came at me with verbal swings. I know this person has issues and plenty of room for healing but friends.

This kid PM'ed me to say it was my fault my father died and I'm selfish for having boundaries. I. Lost. My. Shit. I screamed, I cried I yelled. I'm not proud but that kid carved out my heart and soul with a serrated blade.

Logically, I know, better than most, that this kid needs healing, likely inpatient. Potential diagnoses would be oppositional defiance disorder (if that's still a thing?), borderline personality disorder, and for sure many more. This young adult was hurting and deliberately choosing painful language so that hurt would be reflected back at me. Logic tells me those weren't meant and even if they were, they were not true.

But I've been a wreck ever since. Jumpy. Skittish. Anxious. Moody. I can't think straight. Why do people have to lash out like this? I can't think of any time ever that I have intentionally set out to cause pain, to make someone suffer. I just I can't really think straight. And I never imagined a relative would try to wound me like this out of spite and malice. So I thought, I should warn you all that people are like this. And ask for hugs bc .. 😭😭😭😭😭😭

Two years ago, maybe three, a person at my church killed themselves. For various reasons, I know far too much about the details of when and how, but absolutely nothing of why. I still grieve for them frequently, and when I see their family, I think about how they should be there too. But I barely knew them; we existed in the same social circles, sure, but I can think of maybe once we actually interacted. They were a loved and loving person who lived out their faith. I hadn't seen them for a couple of years before they died, because I was briefly at another church, but it still hurts. Still - I didn't really know them. Why do I get so sad about someone I never really knew, only loved as part of my community? I can't talk to anyone else at church about them, because they all knew them better than I did. Reading this sub helps, but I do feel like an intruder. Please tell me if my presence is unwelcome.

There are so many things I could have tried doing to help while you were still here. I keep thinking about those things as if the more I think about them, it might somehow be possible to do them.

But there isn't anything to be done now. Nothing I can do will change you being gone, so nothing feels worth doing.

I wonder if you thought about that, that you giving up would mean that all of us would feel like giving up.

I don't blame you. I understand it was unbearably difficult to be living.

Maybe we could have figured it out though, as a team.

I'm not sure what to do now. I don't want to do anything now.

Yesterday I went to a concert for the first time since everything happened.

It was a concert I was waiting for months, I bought the tickets before you decided to leave.

The music was good but I couldn't stop thinking about you the whole night, imagining how it would be if you were there with me that night, how you would be by my side like you always were.

I tried to function normally and tried to connect with the people around me, but I really just wanted to connect with you.

On the way home I heard a song that reminds me so much of what it was like to be with you, you were with me listening to it in the car not too long ago. I couldn't stop crying all the way home, I miss you so much my love .

My best friend just passed a few days ago. Obviously I'm going through the usual grieving of losing a friend but I'm also carrying the fact that this is the third person I've lost this way. I lost a family member, a friend, and now my best friend all in the span of a few years. I'm so angry, sad, and confused. I feel like losing someone once this way is awful enough and life changing but I'm not sure how I'm going to handle going through this a third time. I came out of my last two pretty broken and changed. I hate that most of my young adult life has been spent grieving. I just started recovering this year in therapy and feeling less anxious that I'll lose someone else. I feel like this is going to cause me to relapse again and start anxiously checking in and thinking people are dead constantly. I feel like I failed to see the signs and I should have known because I've been through it before and I feel responsibility like this is a lesson I haven't learned well enough. I know I have no choice but I hate that I have to weather another storm like this