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I don't know when grief gets easier,and idk how much longer i can take. My best friend killed himself on april 1st 2024 (what an ironic date huh). Youd think it gets easier with time, thats what i thought, but here i am, months after, and everytime i drink i think if him. Every single day I think of him. He loved deadpool, the entire time i watched the new deadpool moviei thought if him, everytime i hear about anything he cared about i think of him. I miss him so fucking much its unbelievable. How do people get over this grief. The only thing keeping me here is that i know i cant cause this pain on my family, they dont deserve it, and i would never bring this upon them after finding out how hard it is. But its so hard. Im trying l, but i dont know how strong i am.

hi all, a little over a year ago i made a post asking for you all to tell me about your lost loved one, and id like to open the door up for that again as well. i was reading through the comments on my old post, crying, missing my friend again and wanting to scream into the void about how it fucked up and took the wrong one. i still talk about her any chance i get, was even showing pictures of us and her daughter today to a new coworker. it’ll be 3 years without her in april. i miss you trisha, not a day goes by where i don’t think about you. please tell me all about your loved one you are missing, the good parts, and the bad parts. let it all out, sending love to you all.

It would’ve been your 22nd birthday yesterday. It’s been three months since you’re gone but I just feel like the days are going by too quickly. You were just here.

Nothing will fix the pain I feel, the loss, the emptiness. But I just miss you. Wish you were here to celebrate you. It’s your first birthday in heaven, and I wish you were here with us. It’s all happened too soon, and you’re supposed to be here. It’s just not fair and I can’t stop crying. I know you wouldn’t want us to be sad, but it just feels wrong without you. I’ll always miss you. I think about you everyday. Love you forever sis 💔

I lost my 1 year older brother (24) two years ago. We were close. I found him. I was numb for months after he died. Then I just attempted to pick up my life again. I did, but it's incredibly hard. I cannot deal with stress at all anymore. I think I suffer from addiction. I cry sometimes, but I'm not sure if I cry about him. Mayby I cry about the mess that's called my life now. At a young age, I learned to repress strong feelings. I self harmed as a teen to deal with this. Now I do that again. I feel like an adult with the emotional coping mechanisms of a 12 year old. I was oke untill he died. Now I realise I only know repression as a coping. I feel like I have to deal with myself before I can truly, authentically feel the pain of my brother's death.

Somehow, maybe this stage is harder than the hard drinking, screaming, avoiding reality stage. It hit me when I finished work. I really wanted to give my brother a call and tell him I jumped my car without his help. Then fully realized why I don't have his help. Or my closest friend.

You promised you would call me if the world got too heavy for you. But the call I got at 1am was not from you, Mom.

I know that you went through a lot in your lifetime and I know we as a family have dealt with more than the usual amount of trauma. I am sorry that you lost your son at the age of 12 after relentlessly battling Bernard Souliers Syndrome with him for most his life. I am sorry you had to hold him on your lap while he took his last breath. I am sorry that your oldest daughter was diagnosed with Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis 17 years later and that your past traumas were triggered by spending a lot of time with her in hospital.

I am sorry you had to grow up without a dad who was taken from you as a teenager. I am sorry that your dad cheated on your mom numerous times. I am sorry your mom and your cousin got diagnosed with breast cancer. I am sorry your mom passed away due to a heart attack after being in remission for a year. I am sorry that your marriage of 27 years fell apart due to both of you not being able to get over the loss of your son. I am sorry you had a terrible car accident 6 years ago that nearly cost you your life and left you with unrepairable damage and discomfort. I am sorry both your daughters went through divorces at the same time during COVID.

I am sorry you married a sad narcissist that abused you verbally and financially. I am sorry that he made you choose between him and your children, who were your life. I am sorry you felt like you had no way out. I am sorry that you had to sit in court while witnessing your son in the stands with shackles around his feet and that you had to arrange for this son to be involuntary admitted to rehab a couple of months later. I am sorry that your puppy was bitten to death and that your dream Jeep overheated and blew a gasket straight after. I am sorry that you had to receive a phone call at 2am to tell you that your son had escaped the facility and that you had to drive around looking for him in the middle of the night. I am sorry that you felt so incredibly alone when you made that final permanent decision. I am sorry that I missed the signs.

I wish you had just called me instead...

I lost my mom on 15 December 2024. Suicide by hanging. We were incredibly close and we had such open communication. I feel betrayed and broken. How do you pick yourself up to live a life your own mother did not feel was worth living?

Writing the lyrics helped me process some stuff in a meaningful way. Maybe some of yall can relate to some of this. If people like this, I have one other song I could share.

https://youtu.be/BlOJyjmbPbs?si=BNGJbJAcbIFT5qwa

I've heard you tell me that so many times before and I never got tired of reminding you. You were never a burden. I supported you because I loved you and I wanted the best for you. I stayed by your side because you were an amazing person. No one thought the world would be better off without you. In fact, you've made our lives so much better when you were here.

Now that you're gone, we're all going through secondary losses. I lost my only best friend, my confidant, my love, and the only person who ever truly understands me. I have no one to send niche content to. No one to rant to about bad days. No one to scold me when I mess up. No one to hold me as tightly as you did. No one to make me feel as loved as you made me. The only upside I can see is that I don't have to make you feel this way myself by dying first.

I miss it all. I miss you so much. I miss everything about you. I just wish I can hear those two words because I feel like you never truly believed it.

An "I know" is all I need.

My family and I lost my brother 6 years ago. I find family events such as Christmas and Boxing Day incredibly difficult, as all my cousins with their siblings are there and is a trigger, even after 6 years. I want to attend Christmas with family. However, Boxing Day involves the whole family which can be overwhelming. Does anyone have similar experiences, where they miss family events, how did it go down with the family and were you happy/disappointed you didn’t go?

I am looking for advice and help. My nephew (19) committed suicide 3 months ago. He is my sisters only child. She found him at home. Since then my sister has become more and more depressed, understandably. Her behaviour is becoming odd. She has started to become very angry, paranoid, falling out with family, during her anger moments she is disassociating with herself and not remembering what has happened. She is making threats to her own life if we don’t do certain things she wants us to do, she is believing she is having dreams that her son is angry with me and our Mum and she is now becoming paranoid we are an issue and have some sort of involvement. Her eyes go black when she gets angry, it’s like she’s not there anymore. I’m concerned about her mental health. She is refusing professional help, won’t take any medication to help her. Currently his death is being investigated by the police who currently have his mobile phone and are looking for evidence and the coroner has not finished investigating his death. She has a boyfriend who is very manipulative and a bully and he was not kind to my nephew. I know this because me and my nephew were close and he would talk to me about how my sisters boyfriend treated him. I am unsure if this behaviour she is showing is normal behaviour during grief or if she is having some sort of psychotic reaction to her son’s death. We as a family are trying to do all we can to help and support her but she is pushing us away and damaging my own mental health. I am suffering from PTSD, see a therapist and am on certain medication to help. I have two young daughters who are affected by my nephews death and there’s only a certain amount I can do to help my sister as I have my own children I need to support and look after. Please any advice would be appreciated. Thank you

I just broke up with my boyfriend over this innate fear that I might be too irreversibly broken because of my friends passing. He doesn’t deserve this. It feels like there’s a weight in my chest and I’m drowning some days.

I dont want to turn out like her but it’s so scary because the more I miss her the more I understand. I feel so bad for Jeremy. He didn’t deserve the emotional rollercoaster that is my existence. I promised him we’ll talk on Thursday night about everything. He needs a break. We all need a break.

I have to learn how to cope better but it’s so hard. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. I don’t know what to do.

We didn’t even meet up irl haha. We never got the chance to.

Are you feeling intense emotions? I’m 10 months without my mommy and I noticed my emotions fluctuate like crazy.

I can’t think or talk about her without my eyes welling up with tears and a lump in my throat. I thought it was getting easier ? I’m back at square one.

My friend had bad qualities. He was an alcoholic and drove drunk all the time, he spent all of his and his ex wife’s money and drove her away, and he lied to everyone and took advantage of people. Over the past year since he’s been gone I’ve learned a lot about substance abuse and I can see how broken he was. It just makes grieving so complicated because sometimes I think of him with “rose colored glasses” and that he was so amazing and I only remember the good things. He had such good personality traits when they weren’t clouded by his substance abuse, and I grieve that part of him and my heart breaks for him.

But then sometimes I remember the reality that I didn’t really like him sometimes when he was alive. I don’t know what advice I’m asking for, just wondering if anyone else struggles with this type of grief as well? It’s like my brain can’t decide to hate him or love him.

My partner and I were not on speaking terms and I was in the kitchen washing dishes and it felt like I was in a distant memory being at my partners funeral. I wrote it down in a notebook and forgot about it besides sharing this horrible thought with close friends and family of my partners and I. My partner killed himself November 19th this year. I looked in the notebook looking for any letters or notes he may have wrote down. I was horrified when I read my premonition I wrote down. October 17th A month and two days before he completed. I feel like I could have saved him. My therapist said it was just pattern recognition of predicting his erratic behavior and drug abuse.. and several threats of suicide and reckless behavior.. a potential outcome to his behavior.. it's just surreal to read it after his death..

So much has happened since you left

So many painful things have happened, but so many joyful things have happened too. I've come further than I ever could have imagined. Despite the fact that I'm still without you.

I'm lying in bed and it's late now, I should be asleep, but there has been so much to do. My stomach is aching, a chocolate bar for dinner probably wasn't sufficient, I miss how you used to tell me to eat properly. How you used to make me send you pictures of every meal that I had, to make sure that I was eating enough. To make sure I was trying in my recovery.

I would eat now. I should do. My mind is telling me that I'm not worth it, because I don't matter. If you were here now, I know you would silence those voices immediately, you would say "How dare you not look after yourself, do you know how important you are to me?" No one has every been that stern with me since, the message that "I have to look after myself in order to help other people" has never been convincing enough to help me help myself. You did it differently. You firmly showed me that my self-negligence had a direct negative impact on someone else, on you. That was enough to motivate me.

The primary reason I think I am here is to help people. And so the thought of harming someone, the idea, is antithetical to my right to exist. In my warped view of reality and self. But I know you would tell me that I matter regardless, I matter if I just do my learning and don't necessarily do some life saving task in that day.

I wish you were here to tell me these things. I wish you hadn't killed yourself. I wish you hadn't left. I don't know how to build a life. I don't know how to strengthen my foundations , in order to build a stable life. When I feel like any foundation I lay is like worm wood.

I will have something to eat now. I hope we meet in our dreams tonight. I miss you so much. I love you.

It's been eight months since you left. Someone told me they have a crush on me. It's a warm, intelligent, good-looking person. Normally, I would pursue this relationship, but I know very well that my grief is still too deep. The void in my heart you left is still too great. There's no space for someone new. I feel broken. I want to love and be loved, but I can't. Your death made me emotionally unavailable and terrified of attachment. I'm too scared to lose another person to actually get close to anyone. I'm working on myself, but it takes so much time and energy, it's just draining.

I know you didn't mean to do all that to me. I believe you loved me at least as much as I loved you. But sometimes I can't help but feel cheated on. Your decision to end your own life caused me more pain than anything else I've ever been through. Partners are meant to support each other, not hurt each other in such profound ways. But I'm not furious with you anymore. I learnt to find solace in the fact that you don't suffer anymore. I just wish you found peace in something else than death.

Christmas is coming and, to my surprise, I happen to think a lot about your family. I know how much they suffer, and although they decided not to be in contact with me, I still wish them peace.

You are loved and missed my dear.

It’s been 168 days since she decided to leave us. I was angry for the first half and now my heart is broken. I don’t know how I’m supposed to carry on. I don’t feel it’s fair that she checked out and I still have to be here. I’m so hurt and I miss her every day. I don’t think I’ll ever be the same.

You know, that family member who tells you to get over yourself, or stop crying, or whatever else there is to expect.

I’m hoping this post will help create a dialogue not only for me, but for people who lost loved ones in 2024, to mentally prepare.

We’re days away. I know US already had Thanksgiving this year, but for the rest of us, this is probably one of the toughest times ahead.

Any suggestions, coping mechanisms and responses and greatly appreciated, including your own personal anecdotes.

It's been 6 months since my mom found my dad on the floor. While I have been able to grief and cope, my mom has been a shell of her former self.

She barely eats, only 100 lbs anymore. She doesn't move, she barely speaks, She doesn't do anything.

Al she says is that she's always nervous, anxious and can't eat. She's admitted that she has dark thoughts at times.

We're making sure someone from the family visits every day, but it isn't helping.

She was administered to a psych ward for a few weeks after I had a breakdown due to fatigue and couldn't take care of her anymore. That didnt help anything.

She's seeing a psychiatrist, who seems to put her on a different medication every few weeks. Therapy isn't helping anything, as she likes to remind me.

They say that time heals all wounds, but in this case, time only seems to make her wounds worse.

If anyone can recognize my words, or has any advice. Please, i'm desperate and afraid to lose my mom aswell.

I see some people coming into the comments placing blame on the OP and it is infuriating.

“Why didn’t you do this?” “Why didn’t you do that?”

As if we are not already struggling with guilt and asked ourselves the same questions a thousand times before posting looking for support.

So I’m here to remind all of us - it’s not our fault.

You may not be at a point in your grief where you can accept that the blame shouldn’t be on you - but I’m saying it because one day you will hopefully come to that realization.

There was something in their mind that disconnected themselves from reality and they couldn’t think rationally. That’s not on you.

Just like cancer - sometimes you can take all the right steps, get the best treatment, and still not be enough. You can love someone with all your heart, but not be able to cure it.

In the real world - love does not fix all wounds.

One day, we may live in a reality where cancer is cured and we can fix a broken mind - but it wasn’t in time for our lost loved one - and that is not our fault.

We are all in danger of spiraling down the “what if” road, but that is not productive or helpful.

Please try to be easy on yourself. Try not place blame on yourself or others. You did what you could. You tried your best. It sucks that they’re gone, but it’s not your fault.

My father took his own life two weeks ago. He hung himself in the backyard. Earlier that day, we believe he hallucinated and saw something and fired his gun at the wall. It looked tactical due to the grouping. He could’ve easily used the gun on himself but put it away after, locked the dogs up in the kennel, and then hung himself. He was a marine who served in desert storm and just retired from law enforcement. Months prior, he didn’t tell anyone he stopped his medication for bipolar disorder. And I know that’s part of the main cause for whatever he may have seen before choosing to end his life.

His brain tumors may also have been back. He was just diagnosed with a heart disease and had upcoming appointments for two different kinds of cancers. I knew he struggled physically and mentally but never knew it was this bad. I’m angry at how the law enforcement “mental health” care system and how horrible it is. I experienced how detrimental it was when I was under his insurance. Veterans and law enforcement should be getting better mental health care. It’s insane to me that they don’t.

We already had the private viewing and funeral a week ago. It was the most amazing send off for him. It helped more with closure.

I was never angry once towards my father choosing to end his life. If anything, I felt his pain immensely. I was hospitalized twice in my life and it definitely has triggered me in many ways. Not sure if I’m using the right words, but I accept his death. But it’s still so hard. And at times it doesn’t feel real.

This is my life now. This is part of my story, my journey. But it’s hard to believe it’s real. I wish I could’ve told my dad how much I loved him one last time. But I had no idea he would actually do that. I can’t stop picturing him the day he died. He took a long way out and I can’t stand it. I wonder if he was having any regrets as he was dying. I remember when I went to see him he was on the ground covered with an American flag. I just laid next to him and pet his hair. When the coroner showed up I walked away but I glimpsed back and saw that my dad was purple. I feel like I’m in this nightmare and I’m waiting to wake up.

I don’t know how it gets better or how long it takes. I just got married a month ago too and it’s hard to look forward to any kind of future. I feel like I’m still doing things in life but it’s empty and I feel like a fraud. I wish I could do anything to have my dad back.

I apologize if this post is all over the place. I just don’t know how to explain it. I have a therapist already but I don’t know if it will help.

We just found out yesterday. I could tell something was wrong. I’m sure everyone did. My little sister completed suicide not long ago and this triggered some heavy emotions. I’ve been vomiting and I’m practically in freeze mode. It’s so painful and I didn’t even know her well. We would talk almost daily but these last few weeks when I’d try to say hello she looked like she was completely in her head and out of it. I wish I knew how bad she was hurting. The PTSD from my little sister came back full swing and I am struggling to be a person right now. I throw up everything I eat and drink and I just want to lay in bed. Thanks for listening to me vent about this. Xoxo

On the 29th of November my brother killed himself. I'm going to try to give a bit of a backstory here. I myself am (F)23 years old and I have (had?) 2 half-brothers. So we share the same mom, my dad (they're still together) has been their stepdad for around 27 years. The one this story is about (name:K) was 33 years old and the other (name: F) is 38 something... A small sumup of his life: he was a kid with a lot of problems. My parents evicted him from our home when he was 15, for the safety of our family. After that he went down the wrong path and met the wrong people. But since a few years, like 10? he's been back in our lives and he had been doing really good. Righting all his wrongs, apologizing etc... But after such a difficult life, also being in jail for I don't know how long, he was in serious debt. He had a job as a crane technician, the only one with a certain kind of degree in my country & a few surrounding countries. So he had a good income and in like 1.5years he would be out of debt probably... In previous relationships he has had some kids; a girl that is now 14, and a boy who is now 7. Since 5 years he has been in a relationship with a lovely woman, they married last year and we knew they were going to be together forever. Together they also have a boy and a girl (twins) who are now 2.5 years old. A little backstory about the girl (14): my brother had her at 19 with an awful woman (then 18), because of their toxic relationship the baby was taken from them and placed in foster care. Luckily me and my mom got to see her, my brother and the woman didn't for another few years. So she's also had a rough childhood resulting in her being rebellious and doing things no 14 year old should do... Her foster mother couldn't handle her anymore so they were looking into the girl staying at my brother and his wife's house more often or even permanently. Things were going okay in our eyes until tragedy struck.

The 28th in the evening my brother and his wife had had a fight, we don't know for sure what about. All I know is that after the fight, he took a bath and then disappeared into his work van. The wife had been calling out for him and knocking on the van but no response. She had called my parents for advice, but this not being the first time something like this happened, they told her not to worry and they would come to visit in the morning. Normally he would've come inside overnight but this time he hadn't. Also one time before when they had a fight, my brother had come to sleep over at my parents house, he didn't do that this time. So in the morning, my sister-in-law goes to check on the van and notices it's still locked. She calls my parents who immediately came and she also called the police. Eventually my parents arrived and some guy from my brothers work with a spare key was opening the van. The police had already taped off the van, so they knew something was wrong. Nobody saw my brother except the guy from his work, he kept my s-i-l from going over to look. He hung himself with some kind of tension strap.

When my dad called me.. it was the worst phone call in my life. I was crying, shouting, hyperventilating. I immediately took the train home where my parents and s-i-l where crying in my living room.
So there's the story of how that happened... I don't know where I want to go with this but how the fuck so we live without him? Especially knowing he killed himself... we have so many questions.
The thing is, my brother was kind of stubborn and had always had troubles with putting things n perspective, separating bad from good, etc. He had also been drinking that night (4 strong beers), which normally he could handle alchohol pretty well but we have to admit he had a liiiiittle problem. (which they also fought about sometimes) My parents think it was an accident. That he was being his dumb, impulsive self and was trying to hurt himself or to feel something? He hung a cord around his neck so they think he was letting himself fall, fainted because of the cord cutting off his arteries and then being unconscious, no blood going to his brain, dead. Which is probably how it happened but I mean... the fact he was there with the cord around his neck says enough imo..... I really don't want to think of it this way but, he went to take a peaceful bath, then locked himself in his van, then supposedly searched on google how to make a tie from a cord or rope ( I don't know I didn't see it) and then hung himself. It might have been impulsive but I guess this is what he wanted. We just still can't grasp it, his wife and 3 kids (the wife has a kid of her own that lives with them permanently) in the house next to him and it still wasn't enough to stay. My mom's heart is too broken to really think deeply about it but my dad is mad at him, which I completely understand. But my heart fucking breaks for him. I keep imagining how sad and lost and alone he must have felt in his last moments, that he really thought there was no way out, and therefore I can't really blame him. He just wanted rest. I guess we'll never know.

I think everyone in my family feels some kind of guilt. Which is stupid because no one could've seen this coming. He was not depressed or suicidal at all. Just a bad talker about his feelings. I have this stupid guilt in me because he posted something on Facebook the evening of the 28th. That he was selling all of his lego (he used it to make huge, functional cranes). I was so confused as to why he would want to sell his biggest hobby? He had put a text like 'everything for sale, no time, no point, too much money wasted', which I found so weird and for a good 5 minutes I hesitated sending him a message and asking why. But I didn't. Also we have a family groupchat, and my other brothers gf had sent a pic of F wearing a tie at around 11 pm. Super random but this is not something you see everyday and I made a joke about it. Normally K would also joke about it but he said nothing. I now see that he hadn't even seen my response to the pic. I also thought that was weird and still I didn't text him to ask what's up. Maybe I'm naive to be thinking this but I'd like to think that if I had sent a message, and he saw it, maybe something would've clicked in his head and he would come to his senses. I don't know... My parents probably feel guilty they didn't go to check the evening of the 28th when they already knew something was wrong... If I would've known then I would've called him like crazy, especially after my suspicions. But yeah, If I would've known...

Makes me sad to think about the future. Him not being there for all of our important moments. His kids growing up without a father, not seeing our parents get old, not seeing me get married, my future kids never meeting their crazy uncle... it's truly devastating what happened. He was such a good and kind soul. But also naive and he got messed around with way too much. He had a big mouth but a tiny heart.

My s-i-l is into spiritual stuff and is going to see a medium in January, her own brother has went there and supposedly had some really good results. I don't know if I believe in those things but I hope so?? I hope she (and we) get some answers.

Sorry for the long read, I have to get this shit out of my system.

I miss him so much

Our best guess is that he had PTSD.

A month before his….mistake at work for lack of better word- I had brought up a situation from his job from a few years ago. A scary one. We had friends over and we had been discussing how crappy the boss was. I didn’t think anything of it, but he pulled me aside later that night and told me to never bring it up again.

A month later he panicked at his job, causing the situation that made him decide to take his life.

I think I caused the spiral. I think if I’d never brought up the work situation from years ago, he wouldn’t have been anxious/panicked on his last work trip.

I didn’t know he had PTSD (presumably) I just thought we were shit talking they’re old boss. But if I could have just shut the fuck up, whatever “it” was couldn’t remained dormant. He would’ve gone on that last work trip and been a hero, per his usual.

I dreamed of my ex-girlfriend's suicide. Years ago, I broke up with an ex whom I’ve never fully been able to get over, and I used to think about her often. This was somewhat normal because we were together between the ages of 18 and 20, and we had a love so pure and deep that neither of us could feel for anyone or anything else. After her, I’ve never had a healthy relationship because I couldn’t move past her or our time together, and this has periodically affected me deeply.

One night, in the early hours of the morning, I woke up with an anxiety attack, practically jumping out of bed. I had dreamt of my ex-girlfriend. The vibe of the dream was overwhelmingly dark, and I was trying to stop her from doing something, but nothing I did worked. When I woke up, I asked myself, “When will I ever get over this girl?” After calming down, I went back to sleep.

A few days later, a friend of my ex-girlfriend reached out to tell me that she had taken her own life a few days earlier and that her funeral was happening that day. I experienced the biggest shock of my life. I met up with her friends before the funeral to learn the details, and they told me the following: That night, she deliberately overdosed on tranquilizers, fell into a coma, and her heart stopped in the early hours of the morning.

When I learned the exact night she had taken the pills and fell into a coma, I realized it was the same night I had dreamed of her. Even more unsettling, the time her heart stopped was almost exactly the same time I had woken up from my dream with anxiety.

This incident left me in a state of shock, caused temporary stuttering, and threw me into a deep depression. I am still trying to cope with it, and I can’t find any logical explanation for what happened.

She left this world before I could tell her how much I loved and missed her. This was her second suicide attempt—maybe if I had been there for her in time, I could have made a difference. If there’s anything you want to say to someone, please don’t wait too long—call them.

She always says she's very afraid of what she'll do to herself. She don't know where to hide.

She doesn't deserve this. She didn't deserve this.

I need her.

My grandma ended her life very suddenly in June of this year. I was 2 days out from going to visit her for the first time in 5 years. She knew. She even bought my plane ticket home. I’ve spent the last 6 months just really confused and numb. I don’t really remember much from June-September. I think I was really angry without realizing it and I was hurting my partner with how I was acting, causing things to end in October. I’m still reeling from it. With the holidays around the corner it’s all hitting me really hard. I don’t want to celebrate Christmas, I don’t want to see anyone, I don’t want to do anything. I’d give anything to go back to last December when things were normal. I’m not really sure where I’m going with this post, maybe I just need to word vomit. I just really miss her. I keep telling myself that maybe if I had called her then things would be different, but I think I know deep down that’s not true. I know she was hurting and had been for a very long time. No one talks about how lonely it gets when you’re old. Call your grandparents if you still have them, I’m sure they would love to hear from you very much.

fuck man i miss him much. i've been back in that state of numbness for the last month but i'm feeling it again today. drinking his favorite alcohol and watched me and his favorite show to celebrate. wish he was there with me instead of just his ashes

that's all there really is to say.

He didn’t have depression. He wasn’t bipolar. He wasn’t schizophrenic. He had never suffered a TBI. He wasn’t an alcoholic. He didn’t do drugs. He didn’t have cancer or any sort of painful/life threatening disease.

He had never suffered childhood trauma. He had never experience sexual abuse. His finances were good. He was athletic, educated. He had good friends. We were high school sweethearts. Two healthy kids. A house with an HOA. Hobbies.

I’m tired of having to reconcile it all in my brain. That he threw everything away for one terrible experience at work. Despite his boss saying he was going to be fine. Despite everyone saying he’d be fine.

Nothing will ever hurt my feelings more than living with the fact that he didn’t talk to me. I thought we told each other everything