for context, I’m 26 and lost my partner 2 years ago. this weekend I’ve found myself completely overwhelmed and achingly sad and just need to vent:

• the world is a shitshow and I don’t have my person here to comfort me. I’m mad at him for abandoning me and painfully a little bit happy he doesn’t have to experience this world anymore

• I feel such jealousy and resentment towards other couples and I HATE feeling that. I am so so jealous and I am so sad and sick of being romantically alone. I am fortunate to have a wonderful circle of friends and caring family, but I still feel so alone without a partner. Any tips for processing that jealousy??

• dating SUCKS and even the slightest rejection can send me into a spiral about missing my amazing partner. I’ve worked on my self esteem a lot but trying to date and having jt not work out can be so demoralizing. a medium told me she sees me meeting someone, maybe through work, in the spring and I am delusionally holding on to that

I can boil it all down to: this sucks! I do my gratitude practices and that helps frame things but my body still feels the shittiness. Being on my period doesn’t help either lol. Thanks for listening 🩷

This may not be entirely appropriate for this sub, but I don't need a bunch of tweens and twentysomethings complaining about me "trauma-dumping": So it's been 3 1/2 years since my wife passed and I've begun trying to dip my toe back into the dating pool as of around 6 months ago. Now, I realize that I've been out of the dating scene for a fairly significant amount of time as I was with my wife for 13 years and married for 11 of them and the dating scene has changed since then, but in the half a year that I've tried to start dating again, I've found less than nothing that makes me inspired to keep trying and I'm finding myself sinking into the mindset of being a romantic nihilist. To clear up any confusion, what I mean by that is that I've begun to question if real romance still exists or if it even means anything. On one hand, I've always looked at life through the lens of seeing both the light and dark sides of things, so it feels almost normal to me. On the other hand, I've never really been a nihilist about anything before and don't exactly know how to navigate that side. But what I find most disturbing when weighing this mindset is not whether or not I should go into this mindset, but whether or not I care. Thoughts?

... and then I cried because I didn't cry.

This is so hard

I feel like I'm the only one who feels like this and its the worst.... My SO of 8 years just passed very unexpectedly 2 weeks ago. He was my best friend , my world. I was with him holding his hand when he passed.Everyone else in my family has passed in the last 3 years and besides my 13 year old he is my only family. Since he's been gone though I just feel like I'm on autopilot, going through the motions and just existing. I go to work everyday, put the fake smile on, come back home and sit here with my daughter until bed every night. I miss him more than life but it's like I don't believe he's actually gone or something, I don't know, bc at work everyone just looks at me like i have no heart and in all reality its just beyond broken. I feel guilty and like a horrible person for even being able to get out of bed and being able to function... sorry for a long post.... feel like I'm just losing it

It is eight months since I lost my partner of 18 years. He was my soulmate. We always talked about being each other soulmate, and that maybe we were in a previous life if there was a previous life. They were just things that we knew about each other And felt we knew each other for eternity. With that said, I am on my third dream of him telling me that he’s breaking away from me. In my dreams, it is represented as him breaking up with me and moving on with his life. I know I can’t be the only one who has these dreams. But when I wake up, I am so emotionally upset because they feel so real. They’re in full color. I could almost touch him. I can smell him. I could see all details of his face in his eyes. Some people are telling me that it’s just stress. Part of me wants to believe that he’s coming to me and telling me he needs to let go and he needs to move forward and whatever life is after this one. Maybe we will meet again in another life or in heaven? I don’t know I’m trying to rationalize this. But ever since this last dream which was so intense I found a calming feeling. I still cry every day, but the intensity is not as bad. I almost feel like he gave me a release to let me know he’s OK and that he needs to move forward And that I need to move forward also. Has anyone else had these dreams and feel the same way?

After spending a week with my kids in Disney World followed by a week of work that was very frustrating I decided to do something just for me.

A friend invited me to afternoon tea, which was more champagne than tea, followed by a visit to another drinking establishment. I got home at 1030, was pretty tipsy. While I’m feeling rough today it was so good to be out with other moms and just enjoy ourselves.

Did you do anything for you this weekend?

i’m trying so hard to manage my contempt and disgust for the increasing lack of sensitivity and respect people have about the worst moments of others’ lives. news of other peoples tragedies seem to just bring out in droves the weirdest and sickest of individuals. they make light of, mock, and joke about it. they are nosy and conspiratorial. they are judgmental and accusatory. they are callous and thoughtless and unintentional in their words. or they feign empathy by saying things that basically translate to “wow i’m glad that’s not me!” ignorance isn’t acceptable to me beyond a certain point. i spend so much fucking time trying to regulate my emotions and be patient with people who don’t care and don’t care about not caring. at what point do people collectively acknowledge and start to really respect and honor the grief instead of us having to suffocate in the loneliness of it? are we going to realize one day that this is a death cult? that the people who wish death and pain on others and revel in the aftermath until they can dispose of it are people we can’t even avoid? its almost laughable to me sometimes to worry about my grief and healing and mental health while the building i’m in is on fire and people die needlessly around us. being a widow has only further shown me that we are nowhere close to true liberation. the most human things about us and our consciousness and our experiences are suffocated by the relentless pushing and repression. a lot of things about grief making the once just glaring things now feel like they scream and spit in my face. i miss my husband.

I feel absolutely lonely I miss my husband and want someone to share life with. To talk to kiss hug cook watch tv have sex everything my husband provided for me. Now I’m so fucken alone and don’t want to do this. Even worst todays dating life absolutely sucks

lately i’ve just been feeling so alone without him. he was my best friend. i don’t have any friends to text or hang out with and that’s always been the case for me, but now that i don’t have him im feeling that void even more. my family and i are on bad terms but i sunk deeper into addiction after he passed. they also didn’t know him well and did not support my relationship with him and honestly just were not there for me like i needed them to be after he passed and the 2 1/2 weeks that he was in the icu and hospice dying. the first year after he passed i was super close with him mom and his sister. his mom and i grieve very differently and lately she’s been saying things that have bothered me and made me not feel like i can go to her when i want to talk about him. his sister and i had such a great relationship i really felt like she was my older sister but the last several months she doesn’t text me and when i text her she just likes the message or something like that. i just feel so alone and like everyone just wants me to get on with my life without him, but i can’t. i went through his death and the events leading up to it all alone and now i feel like im grieving all alone too

It’s officially 1 month since my husband passed. I do not have “friends” he was my best friend, so everyone is mostly surface level people in my life. I’ve tried reaching out to some of them and nothing. I left messages saying I’m having a rough time. But I haven’t heard anything back. One said they would call last night but didn’t so I’m still feeling pretty rough and I just need to get it out so, im going to post it here.

I’m a wreck today and I haven’t slept well since before he died. I eat what I can and I’m trying to still be present for our daughter and get her through her grief. Last night I cooked a meal that I use to make for all of us. Only now I don’t make all of the side dishes or use the ingredients that he loved. And since I only cook for my daughter and I, I only had to use one pan. I realized how those meals, I made mostly for him to enjoy because my daughter and I are simple eaters. I loved cooking for him, and I loved seeing him get excited about what I was making. He would call me and we would talk on his way home and I would be cooking, I always had it done when he walked in the door and he would say it smelled good and then I would make a plate and he would say “aw baby, thank you, you’re awesome.” So last night, there wasn’t any of that. I made what my daughter and I would eat and the emptiness in my chest was bigger than the meal I made. It just broke me. I couldn’t eat. And my daughter was missing him and she was going through the same realization of how horrible it is that he’s not here and how nothing feels normal.

I just need someone to talk to about it. So I’m posting it here. It’s a horrible day today and I just needed encouragement to keep going. That this will happen and what I’m feeling and what we are going through is a part of the process. But I can’t reach anyone so will you guys help me and tell me it’s ok to be feeling this much pain over cooking a meal and the void in our life. We miss him so much and I miss him being my person. The one I went to to help me, give me advice. The only one who could help me carry pain like this was him, and knowing the pain is there because I lost him. It’s just horrible and I feel so broken.

Today is day five since her passing. The support is overwhelming….and sometimes overwhelming at the same time .

Took a great drive with my 20 year old son. He mourns differently than me, and we just talked about it…and our future plans. That conversation made me feel great.

My 22 year old daughter turned into Momma Bear. Organizing, checking in..,she is amazing. She is doing the planning and honoring for her upcoming wake.

I wake up sad, but the PTSD (sudden death which include CPR by myself) is slowly subsiding and being replaced with memories. This is a good thing.

Tomorrow I start the changing bank accounts and switching the retirement accounts. We are so fortunate to be in the financial position we are.

Counseling starts Tuesday, and I joined a grief walk club and will walk on Wednesday. I just want to be with people that have the same experience.

Not sure if I will go back to work, or an early retirement and do what I want and volunteer. I am going to try work for a few months to see how I feel.

Thank you for listening. Yes, I am in a bleak place, but I can say I do see a very small light. I know this light will flash and dim from time to time. I will do new things in life, things that interested me more than my dear wife.

Last year, I tried to go to more social events, got reinvolved in old hobbies, volunteered as much as my current caregiver situation would allow.

My grieving amped up again around the holidays and continued into January when things slowed down. January 7th was an anniversary of sorts.

This past week has been horrible.

Idk if it's because I am trying to go through his things, the dream I had about him, his relative reaching out to ask a question, more idle time. Missing him so much and wondering what I am going to do.

Had a dream of him last night and can’t stop crying.

Hello, it's me I got off the wrong stop and now with no cell or money I am calling from the Bell Paid Phone with the loaned coin from the security

Hello, can you hear me? I'm at Scarborough Town Centre stop, the place we used to go once we were younger and free.

I thought we were just one stop apart and you were just behind me.

But there seems to be such a difference between us And a million miles

Hello from the other side I must've called a thousand times To tell you I'm here waiting for you to appear But each time when I call, I never seem to be able to finish and tell you where I am exactly

Hello from the outside I told you not to hang up until you heard me out I kept changing the plan and places to meet I was never able to found the right place to meet You didn’t hang up on me any more but said you’d passed my stop and had no plan to come back again. I begged and begged but there was only silence I didn’t realize that I was only talking to myself

Until I woke up.

Hello, how are you? It's so typical for us to not talk much over phone I hope that you're well

Is it true that you felt better and you loved us as you said at the last moment?

So hello from the other side I must've called a thousand times To tell you I am still here waiting for you to appear But when I call, we always run out of time

Hello from the outside At least I can say that I've tried To keep you on the phone as long as I can But it don't matter, it clearly doesn't matter to you anymore

Piano recital was fine yesterday. Pinewood derby was fine. We had a first second and third in their classes for speed. We had a’second and third for design. 2nd place for speed got 3rd place for design (F7). 3rd place for speed got second place for design (F10). 1st place for speed just won that (M10). F7 cried. She got 2nd last year. M10 was mad he didn’t do better in the open group. F10 was disappointed but did her best to not show it.

Then we came home with my wife’s best friend’s son to stay the night. They rode bikes outside until dark, played video games, made their own pizza, watched a movie, got vanilla ice cream with chocolate or caramel syrup. Then the best friend’s son puked and mom had to come get him.

I was able to have a peaceful night at home, going to bed by 9ish, no kids in bed with me and Jojo the Destroyer, F4 Boston Terrier, stayed with F7 until late. I slept well, if short.

I always feel bad when M7 comes over and stays. I can tell I make him nervous. My personality is way more aggressive and angry than he is used to. His mom is all zen and quiet and calm and never raises her voice etc. I terrify him and genuinely feel bad about it. Still he asks to sleep over or for my kids to come over every weekend. I think he’s lonely out on his farm without any other kids around.

It was a good day. We will church and come home. I will spend all day laundering clothes. I may hit some golf balls. I may drink a couple beers. Might grill something but I’m leaning towards smoking some meat and having mashed and gravy and smoked country style ribs but not bbq flavored. More like roast flavor. Maybe some carrots and a salad. Basically do a nice busy but uncomplicated day.

I hope you can fill the void with things you find easy, pleasurable and fulfilling. I believe contentment is a learned trait. I am not content and hope I learn how to be content some day.

Everyone is welcome to post here, but please try to keep it positive. We all have plenty of negative in our lives.

I’m at the airport waiting for my parents who’s coming for a visit.. The airport is giving me so much anxiety. I’m from a different country than my husband,so he was always sending me to and off the plane.. I’m on my own now, and all these familiar sights and smells just kick me in the guts. I can see him waiting for me in arrivals, always with a smile on his face and love in his eyes..then he would give me the biggest big hug that I adore so much, and I was home safe.

I think I shouldn’t be sad, I am honoured to have been his wife, but this is just really hard..

Everything’s so sad…

drunken post Is there a service just to have someone to come over and just hold you until you fall asleep? Missing an affectionate touch in the worst way. 6th month widow.

I just wanna say that this group has been so wonderful and while it’s hard, reading about other people‘s experiences does help me feel less alone. It’s almost 10 months since he’s been gone and while I did feel immense guilt in the beginning, I don’t feel guilt anymore. But I do have a fear of moving on, not the right word I just don’t know how to word it right now. I fear I will forget him. And I would rather be in pain and remember him than get better and forget him. I’m assuming I’m not the only one that has experienced this, so how have people dealt with this? How do you get over the fear of continuing without your person.

In grief, in loneliness, in utter despair.

On days like these I wish I was drowning for real instead of everywhere else.

Went through my Facebook and deleted everyone who I haven't seen since the funeral. Fuck everyone and everything.

If you hear my voice, you know I will go to you no matter how painful it will be.

If I Lose You.

Been a few weeks since I last posted. To catch everyone up-My wife of 19 years (we were together almost 22) was killed by a DUI driver who ran a stop sign at over 100mph. We have 4 kids together.

It was really hard the first few weeks, but has gotten exponentially harder over the past 4 or so. I've lost about 20% of my body weight. I'm trying to eat, but nothing really tastes good nor do I really have any desire to eat.

I get up and get the kids to school, get the kids fed and get the chores done. I am taking care of the legal stuff as well as trying to get the life insurance/accident insurance stuff going. I've started the process of suing the driver of the other vehicle, but I doubt there is anything I can get from him that will be more than my underinsured motorist policy will give. I'm going to several faith based groups a week as well as church on Sundays.

All that to say is I'm trying to get myself going and trying to get some reason to really go. I still don't feel that reason. I wish I could just die. I hate that I don't have that option. I understand I need to stay for the kids and I need to raise them till they are old enough (adults) before I can even consider doing anything, but I don't want to wait. I want to just give up.

I have friends telling me that I should hope to find love again (f off). Apparently my soulmate is easily replaceable. I have people telling me "She would want this" (insert random thought there). Again F off. How the F would you know what she would want more than me?? Its really driving me crazy these days.

I feel like I'm being hit over and over again. Its bad enough she's dead, its terrible she was murdered. Over the past 8weeks the kids have all been sick multiple times-including a few ER visits for RSV/Flu B. MY brand new car broke down-SO many other things that are big inconveniences are hitting me all at once. In my day, before she died, I would have laughed them off as just life-now its just a cruel joke.

My therapist says I'm only 2 months in and I can expect this to be very hard for the next 6 months to a year. She also says I can snap out of it tomorrow or I can sit in it for decades.

I feel like I'm in a car sinking in a lake. I'm trying to break the window, but I can't. I just want to sit in the chair and let the water drown me, but I'm fighting to escape-not as much for me as my kids.

Im just so over this all. I don't want to hate the fact that I'm alive. I dont want to wish for death. I dont want to leave my kids, but I NEED to be with her.

So I lost my husband to suicide last year. I was nervous to tiptoe back in dating but I wanted to see if I was ready and how I’d feel (guilt, shame, grief, etc.)

Went on a couple casual dates and had a lot of fun. They felt great, and I didn’t feel guilt or any shame. I had disclosed my widow status to these guys beforehand, too.

Then I got what I believe was a straight up SIGN from my LH. I was in the kitchen of a guy I’d been seeing for a while. He was cooking and I was washing dishes. While I was air drying my hands, my wedding ring (which I wear on my right hand now) FLEW OFF, hitting the ground. The center stone popped out, too.

To me, it wasn’t necessarily about the specific guy I was in the kitchen with. To me, it was my husband saying “Go ahead and live your life”. He let me go. It shook me up, but also brought relief.

Has anyone had any weird signs like this?

It isnt complicated. It was always just the two of us. Just enough $$ to actually require an estate - but nothing major and nobody contesting. I even hired an attorney.

But for a year I just shoved every piece of paper into a box. Started working on it again, and I'm back to sobbing non-stop. I just have to upload tge last of the documents and it will be done.

But then, shes completely gone. Even legally. I dont know how to face this.

That’s really it…. I am temporarily dislocated from my place and his picture in frame is on the night stand in this temporary place I am staying. It is more noticeable than it was in my place, and his smile makes me cry…. So many adversities I had to deal with since he had left and I am still dealing with. I may have never had time to face the grief heads on because I have been in a survival mode. He said I had nothing to worry about because I was at home. And, now, he is gone!

Today, Feb 1, is the 8 year anniversary of being a widow. Tomorrow, Feb 2, would have been our 23rd anniversary. 15 years was not enough time, I miss him terribly, still to this day.

As hope for some of you more recent members to this tragic little club, I will say it does get easier to deal with. It does hurt less as time goes on. Learning to do things alone is a task, and all the "firsts" will be difficult, but it does get easier to deal with. But NEVER NEVER NEVER lose your memories or tolerate people who tell you to stop mentioning them, or that you need to stop being sad, or that moving on will make you all better. Don't listen to people that try to bad mouth your lost partner because they think you'll hurt less if you are mad. Don't listen to everyone telling you find someone new, you'll know if and when it is time for that, and that person will not try to compete with the memory of someone lost. YOU know what is best for you, it's ok to grieve.

Focus on the good times you had. They are the best memories to have. To share a personal story for myself, my husband was absolutely the funniest person I've ever met. I swear my face hurt from laughing most of the time! He was such a jokester and prank puller. Even when we got on each other's nerves, he'd find a way to joke around. Laughter was like an apology for us. He was super smart, so creative, and notoriously late to everything. But he was my best friend and my lover. I miss him, but I am beyond thankful that I got to know him for his brief time on this planet.

Hold onto your memories, fellow redditors. They are the most valuable thing you have!

I wrote a few times here, long story short, my wife committed suicide with my baby girl, assumed to be due to postpartum depression. Her death was the worst tragic event on both families. While mourning, we had to take care of inheritance as she was from a wealthy family and had quite an amount of assets. Legally, I either had rights for all of her assets, or about 50~60% of the total assets if I choose to share. But as most of her assets were from her family, I thought it belonged to her parents. I only insisted on keeping the furniture and life insurance money. I hired a lawyer to straighten out the formalities and have no legal or tax problems in the future, especially as they insisted on taking everything, and I was overwhelmed with the situation.

Apparently this ticked the in-laws and they were very upset with the situation. I texted my father-in-law to check up on them over the Lunar new year holidays. Only to get a text back claiming that I didn't trust them enough, and blamed that I acted like I didn't have any responsibility of the situation. They claim that I am acting like I don't care, I don't seem to mind the situation. And say that I am not taking responsibility, as if I was the cause of her suicide. And they are very upset and angry against me.

I did my best to take care of her and the baby, I still don't know what I could have done more. Even when I look back, I dedicated myself to raise the child, and did whatever I could for my wife. I truly don't know what I could have done more.

I tried very hard and quickly right after the incident to not fall to the darkness of depression because I have experience and knowledge of how deep that hole can be. I have been in that hole of depression and I know it has a vicious cycle where I try to get out, which may be an action of digging deeper. Hence I try to focus on work and keep a routine schedule, meeting up with friends and try to keep the time going.

I understand that they lost their beloved daughter it is a bigger tragedy than what I am having. I understand that it could be natural to blame it on me. It would be somewhat easier for them that way. I think it is my burden to bear as a responsibility as the husband of my wife. I assumed this was possible, but having that anger pointed at me is more painful than I anticipated.

I am saddened by my loss, but I cannot fathom how the sorrow my in-laws must be in. I always pray for my wife and daughter, but always follow with the prayer for the peace of my in-laws. I don't feel betrayed by them. I don't blame them. I don't blame my wife for leaving me without saying anything to me. I don't blame her for taking my daughter. I believe I may find peace as time passes, but I don't know if my in-laws will ever find peace. I don't know what I could do to help them. I am afraid my actions or my existence, or even falling in love with her and getting married in the first place was the cause they claim I am responsible of. I don't know. I don't know what I should do now.

I have a habit of writing down to gather and organize my thoughts. This helps me in a way. But I am still confused and clueless for now.. Sorry for venting here. It's just very complicated and talking about this with my family makes them very aggressive towards the in-laws.

I am 33F and just lost my husband a week ago. I am wondering where other young widows found virtual or ideally in person support groups (I live in the Dallas area). I have done some searching and feel like I’m coming up empty but know what I need right now is other people who have gone through this.

Hey everyone, I’m feeling a bit lost and needed to vent. I’m 34 and new to dating apps, and it feels like a huge step for me. My wife and I were high school sweethearts, and I’m a widow now. I promised her before she passed that I would eventually start dating again. It’s been two years since she died, and I’m slowly getting myself out there. I don’t even know if I’m truly ready to date yet, but I’m just starting to try.

It’s hard being a 34-year-old widow because most people on these apps can’t really relate to me. When I open up about my past, I tend to get really attached to the person I’m talking to. It’s a lot to share, but it feels like a genuine connection. What really hurts, though, is when I get ghosted after being vulnerable. I’m not looking for anyone to fix my pain, but being left hanging after opening up like that is tough.

I’m just not sure if modern dating is for me. It feels like it’s all about swiping through people and not really about building something real. I’m learning the ropes, but it feels pretty discouraging when things like this happen.

Anyone else feel like this? I could really use some perspective.

Thanks for listening.

Here it is. Pinewood derby day and all three of my kids want to win. They want to destroy the competition which includes their brothers and sisters. And F7’s best friend M7. And any of the other sumbitches that show up! Full disclosure: I have had nothing to do with this rampant dose of psychotic competitiveness. I have even downplayed it. It’s still there. And I need to get my ass out of been and polish the inside of the wheels with graphite for them.

I may not encourage my kids wanting to be crazy competitive, but I will do everything I can to help them win.

Be competitive. Be fair. Don’t overdo it.

Love y’all but I gotta go.

Everyone is welcome to post. Please try to keep it positive. We all have too much negative in our lives.

So, I've been married to my husband since 2008 and we had four kids together. I was planning my husband's service when his brothers wanted me to give them the opportunity to help plan his service. So I did, I had a three hour service planned, but I was having a hard time making it to the service on time due to my son's difficulties getting out the door on time (because he is a teen for one, and had a hard time composing himself to leave for his dad service) but also because we live 45 minutes away, and my only vehicle has been broken down for a while because my late husband didn't manage to repair the engine like he said he would. So when my n dad fell through with my ride, I was left SCRAMBLING to find a ride, and the people who once claimed to be "family and good friends" weren't there for me when I needed them. So I was an hour late to my husband's service, which wasn't a big deal, since we had two hours left. Or so I thought..I finally got to the funeral parlor and his "family" had either just left or SAW ME AND OUR KIDS and ran off. I am devastated and I feel taken advantage of by these "people" and not to mention that they raised 3k for my husband's service, but instead of HELPING ME financially because of my husband leaving me broke, they decided to keep the money for themselves.

I want to write ALL of these fuckers off, but they're also keeping my husband's ashes and not giving the urn to me. What do you guys think about this fiasco with these clowns?

My love, my heart, my only one,
Though I have left, our love’s not done.
The stars still shine, the moon still glows,
And in the wind, my whisper flows.

I see you now, so lost, so torn,
A soul that aches, a heart forlorn.
But wipe your tears, love, lift your face,
I am not bound by time or place.

I left this world, but not your side,
I walk with you, though I have died.
Each morning’s light, each evening’s hue,
I send with love, a sign for you.

The laughter shared, the vows we swore,
The quiet nights, the years and more,
They live in you, they breathe, they shine,
A love like ours outlives all time.

So hold my words, my final plea,
Live, my love, live well for me.
For when the time comes, don’t be afraid,
I’ll be right there, in light and shade.

And when you dream, please dream of this My love is endless, sealed with a kiss.