I am struggling to see the light in anything. A few weeks ago my 18yr old brother died after running a half marathon. We watched everything from him collapsing to being taken to ER and all the, what looked, violent CPR (I know it has to done that way but god was it traumatizing)… i keep replaying it in my head. Everything. every second. I’m really in a dark place and not sure how to get out. How can i manage this sadness and this anger? I’ve never been an angry person but I just constantly want to punch or throw something. I just feel so mad and sad at the same time. Then I relive the disbelief again. This isn’t my life ? Not my family, this can’t be real.

My beloved nan died a month ago from cancer. Her funeral was yesterday, I’ve cried so much it was so hard but was necessary to make it feel real. Now I don’t know what to do or feel. I feel so numb. I’ve never lost someone before and my nan was one of the closest people to me. I just wanted advice from people who have been through this. I keep getting the sinking feeling that she’s gone, like a punch to the chest 😓 Also how to deal with anger of how my nan passed because of the horrible disease.

It might be because I recently lost my sister (the closest person to me) or I just empathize more because I finally know how it actually feels like. Are you the same? Is this just a phase? I cry a lot in good/sad shows more, but I kinda want the feeling

(25f) I lost my mom in January, I can’t imagine spending the holidays with out her. How do you have Christmas with out your mom? She was the one who cooked our thanksgiving meal. I can’t imagine how my dad will handle it, this is usually my most favorite time of the year but I already wish it was over with. I hate that so much.

any suggestions on how to make it through is extremely welcomed.

So I am taking my daughter trick or treating today, she turned 2 in June. She is so excited and so happy to be going. I’m going to his parents house they are like my own parents and my ex sister in law is coming with us. It’s my brothers ex, who has a 17 year old daughter with, I love that we are all so close. We are meeting our mine and his best friend, my daughter’s godfather at his parents too. I just keep thinking that he should still be here, he would be so psyched for her! I just don’t know how I’m going to handle this at all. He would be walking up to the houses with her saying “trick or treat”, it’s just so hard to think about him and knowing that he’s not here with me making beautiful memories with me and our daughter. Anyone have any advice?

My dad passed away 2 weeks ago. I miss him so much. I love you papa.

I’m 30 years old, and I lost my younger brother (28) five months ago in the most traumatic way imaginable. He had been diagnosed with schizophrenia and possibly bipolar disorder, but unfortunately, that didn’t spare him from being jailed for five months for a mistake he made, even though he was mentally unwell. When he finally came home, we thought we could support him and help him heal, but that peace lasted only two months before things took a devastating turn.

One Saturday, he sent me a long, chaotic message that ended with him saying he was going to end it all, even urging me to do the same. I could tell he was going through an episode, but I had no idea what was coming. I rushed to where he said he’d be, only to discover he had set himself on fire in public. His bloody footprints were everywhere. The ambulance took him to the hospital, and on the way there, we got the call saying he wouldn’t make it due to the severe burns all over his body.

I couldn’t accept it. I screamed at the doctor on the phone, refusing to believe that my brother was dying. When we got to the hospital, I saw him lying there, barely breathing, covered in burns from head to toe. I’ll never forget that feeling – the helplessness, the disbelief, and the overwhelming grief. He was able to say he loved us one last time before passing away peacefully after a few hours.

In the days that followed, my family and I had to prepare him for burial. Because of our faith, we needed to wash his body, and even though it was painful beyond words, I decided to do it with my friend and cousin. Pouring water over his burned skin and saying goodbye in this way is something I’ll never fully come to terms with.

Since then, life has slowly returned to some kind of ‘normal,’ but I still see his face every night before I sleep. My heart breaks thinking about his suffering, and while I know he’s free from his illness now, I just miss him so much. I’m sharing this here because I know grief takes time, and sometimes it helps to know we’re not alone.

It's roughly 4:40 am now and I woke up from a dream that I thought was going to be pleasant. It started with me at a bar playing grunge music, dancing and it looked like the setting was in Boston.. It was exciting until I randomly appeared in front of my grandpa's corpse.. he suddenly opened his eyes, tearing up and my family forced me to hug his decomposed body.

My cousin brother passed away in a road accident two weeks ago. He was only 25 years old and the only cousin that I was close to. I feel numb most of the time when his memories come up. Couldn't see him for one last time. He was already cremated when I got the call regarding his news. It feels unreal. He had so many aspirations and so much life ahead of him. His mother/my aunt had passed two months ago after a long battle with an autoimmune disorder.
I had seen her in so much pain for so many years that I felt a sense of relief along with other emotions when she passed away. It was not the same when my cousin passed away. I keep thinking about the plans we made together, about the places he wanted to visit, the business idea he wanted to explore and so much more. I would have spent more time with him, called him often, took more pictures of us, done so much more if I knew he would pass away this early. I think I'm always going to miss him and wonder what could have been. Goodbye, brother.

my dad just died, he left my 2 brothers and my mom. i didn't get to properly say goodbye and im so young i don't wanna deal with this right now. i don't know if i can take care of my family im the oldest and i don't know what to do im lost. please

Last week today it was my dad's funeral. I'm wearing his watch today. I don't even care if it looks manly.

I just want to share how incredible this man was. I don’t often share stories about him, as it feels unnatural to interject in conversation, so I’m sharing about him here. He died in 2016, the first death in my life and my brother’s lives.

He was a selfless man. He owned a landscaping and construction business, often times mowing lawns and plowing snowed in driveways for the elderly and families with young children for free. He loved animals, and was extremely spiritual. The most blue collar spiritual guy I think I’ll ever meet. He came to every one of my sports games, was there for me for my first heart break, taught me how to drive, taught me how to be compassionate and empathetic. He begged to do solo college tours with me and we did exactly that. When I went to college, my mom said he sobbed for days and I was only an hour away (this makes me honestly giggle). Babies and animals were always so drawn towards him, and people often said how incredible he was. I truly believe he was an extraordinary, special individual.

Over 400 people came to his wake, from hours away to neighbors to old friends and acquaintances. He quite literally left a mark in this world. I still see people comment on his obituary online. It amazes me, this man was my FATHER. I was, and am, so blessed.

If you made it this far, thank you. Please give him a fist bump to the sky. His name is Eric. 🤍

This is the first festival since Mom passed. It is so difficult to think I cannot share the goodies, talk to her about festival related things. I am sure there will be many more firsts. How do you cope!!!!??

I just got the grand reveal of her true past, and who she is.

She risked giving me an incurable std to save herself having to be honest with me.

I was lied to about everything, I wasnt even super mad at first because I figured she was scared to be rejected... then I prodded and found out she cheated on someone and never told them, for 3 years...and that she hooked up with two strangers right before she met me and never got tested. She risked my future of finding a wife and building a family for entirely selfish reasons. I never wronged her, I specifically asked who she had been with, etc.

My world just fell apart, one week ago I was looking at her thinking we would get married and have a family.

what the fuck dude

The spot where she use to lie at is empty now. She was going potty on herself. She couldn’t walk anymore and dragged herself around. I have been nonstop busy with upgrading and bettering my life like never before. I have been medically transitioning and I’ve been experiencing things like never before, especially new things. I’m throwing myself into the deep end of every pool and successfully swimming or at the very least I’m somewhat floating. I am dealing with extreme adulthood themes I was never prepared for or taught but I’ve been doing deep intense self help work. I’m teaching myself things like financial literacy, I’m supporting my self financially through my transition. I’m working hard and nonstop. I’m dealing for the first time in my life romantic situations I’ve never wanted to immerse myself in because I was scared I would end up as a statistic, people all my life have work-flirted with me. I feel like a newborn thrusted out into the world. Opportunities are being given to me and thrown at me. I’m doing extreme social transitional work. I fought and demanded for respect since my transition began. I’m just not home as much, I’m dealing with a lot of transitional things and adulthood subjects. I feel extremely guilty surpassing her life . I feel guilty she passed away, I couldn’t help her. I wasn’t there for her. Watching her deteriorate infront of me fucking sucks. I’m sick of mourning and grieving things in my life. I tried to give her one last good memory before she went to sleep. No one tells you it suck’s. I never dealt with death this close, and I’m not some wreck but I do have this sort of survivors guilt. I’m in the age bracket where people and things are going to begin passing away, so I guess this helps me in someway to immerse myself in this theme. I don’t comprehend death as my peers do so it instead becomes this feeling of guilt for not doing enough for her, not being at home for her, for surpassing her life. I want to tell her I love her, even if she was just some dog to people. You know animals arent just some incapable creatures, they comprehend just as much as most of us do, or more. It sucks. I never thought about the day she would die, I wanted her to see me while my life is bettering.

I have lost my father just a few days ago and it feels like an absolute nightmare. I honestly don’t know how to cope, I am usually too sensitive and all my feelings are multiplied in intensity.

I am overwhelmed with guilt. Guilt that we was lonely, that I didn’t call him more often. Our last call was almost a month ago and I’ve had so many dreams with him in the past few days, but still didn’t think to call him. And I don’t know why. He was smoking and drinking quite a lot and knew this was coming at some point but it doesn’t make it easier.

I have also lost my mother when I was still a child. And can’t believe I will have no one at my wedding. I can never reference my parents, say that I’m going to visit them. Nothing. And the fact that I absolutely know that it’s not going to be ok. It’s not going to get easier. He was still kind and I know he loved me so much, but I’m not sure he knew how much I loved him.

I know that after losing someone you get used to the pain but the pain is still there. The pain of losing my mother 17 years ago still feels fresh a lot of times. And now I have this. They didn’t deserve this life and it kills me as well.

I honestly don’t know how to cope and I’m afraid I will be going mad or spiral into a serious depressive episode. I just feel like nothing matters at this point.

I was combing thru your family’s pictures to give everyone a contact card and stumbled on this.

This hurts too fucking much. I need love and cuddles but oh my god if it isn’t you what is the point.

first Halloween without my jayjay. Without my best friend. it all feels so sickening to living without her. She should be here. Sometimes I really hate her for dying but it never lasts for long, I miss her. She was everything in the family. I thought maybe over the last few months it'd be easier to get through the days, but holidays are coming up and she'll never join us. She won't walk through a door to join us. We don't get that. We don't get the peace of her coming home ever again. Why couldn't she just not hit the tree. Why was she distracted? The only real peace I get out of all of this is she's with her Dad again, but its unfair. She should be here. She should be going off to college not sitting in an urn above a fireplace. she should be home.

I recently lost my mom (3-4 months ago). My mom had a long battle with a serious illness but she was self-functioning and independent up to 2-weeks before dying. I flew back home (I lived in a different state, 3-hour flight) 2 weeks before her dying to take care of her while still working remotely. It was a traumatic experience that will probably stay with me for a long time. I hired 24/7 nursing care at home but she declined really fast and had some scheduling issues, so the day she died I took care of her from 7AM to 4AM next day when she died.

I took 4-weeks off work, which included 2 days while she was alive and then 4 additional weeks where I had to deal with a lot of admin stuff (funeral arrangements, moving out process and cleaning out her house, insurance, etc). It was grueling and I had about 1 week to rest in which I started therapy.

I work a very, very high-intensity job - what I mean is I typically work 15+ hours a day and my tasks are very mentally challenging involving a lot of team and client interaction, with my role being the manager and owning the above. I received the news when I got back that I was going to be starting from day 1 a new client engagement with me as the acting manager. Reading the engagement scope, I realized the work intensity needed for this and assessing my mental state, realized I needed to give a heads up to my supervisors. I spoke with the lead supervisor, clearly stating that I needed to continue my therapy and provide support to my extended family (i.e., constant contact with them). We reached an agreement where another manager was going to be joining the engagement with me, she acting as the client and team-facing manager and I more as providing guidance on content as this is my area of expertise. This lasted for about… 2 days. On day 2, I was again named as acting manager (due to additional client engagements that never materialized, with the other manager in my ‘light’ role) and this ended up being one of the worst engagements we’ve had (objectively). In practice, I had a team of just 1 another analyst and we both worked typically from 8AM-2AM, dealing with a very rude and belligerent senior client almost daily. Engagement lasted about 10-weeks at this pace, I never broke down with the team or client (always did when getting back home) and finally delivered the scope promised by other senior supervisors that engaged little with this. I obviously stopped my therapy and cease communication with my family in week 2.

The engagement ended and I scheduled another call with a supervisor stating how disappointed I was with how things were handled, how the project was exceedingly detrimental to my mental and emotional health, and that I had noticed a decrease in my overall confidence in performing at the job (regardless that the engagement was a success, the constant interactions with a terrible senior client ended up killing a lot of my self esteem even though it was never shown in front of them). No commitment was reached except a general ‘this can’t happen again’ and ‘will speak with lead supervisor to contact you’… which obviously never happened.

Luckily, I was able to stay away from engagements for a few weeks (~4 weeks) where I helped with other internal work. This somehow helps your hours, but you are still working 12-hours a day. During this time, I noticed that my lack of concentration, motivation, and an overall lack of confidence/self-esteem in my abilities continued (I say continue because I noticed this as well during client engagement). Additional to that, I’ve been releasing some pent-up emotions by crying a lot but never initiated therapy again.

2 weeks ago I received a notification that I was about to start in an ongoing client engagement that will last 12 more months. This engagement started at the same time as the last one, had a pause, and is restarting with me as the only new member joining the team. While the 2 engagements were ongoing, there was talk that these were of the worst engagements we’ve had to execute (in terms of dynamic and working hours, but for different reasons). So to summarize, after finishing one of the worst engagements we’ve had in my company, I was going to start this other engagement. As you can imagine, this was a shock to me - the new engagement, while adjacent to my expertise in a way, is a complete new area of content for me. I’ve been crying nonstop since they notified me and feel completely hopeless. I feel out-of-depth, uninterested and at the same time, with high anxiety to perform. I won’t go into much detail on why this is a terrible engagement, but it will involve a lot of interaction with very difficult personalities and long, long working hours, with the expectation to work certain weekends and during the holidays (yes, first Christmas without my mom).

I had a complete breakdown today, without being able to stop crying for 5 hours. My mind is a mess, I don’t know if I’m crying because of the project, anxiety, or grief as all those thoughts were running through my mind.

So I guess I have 2 questions: (1) Has someone experience something similar? I’m scared I’m using losing my mom as an excuse to run from this engagement (I consider myself a work horse in that I tackle whatever engagement I am assigned and succeed) but I don’t know how to control my emotions and also perform, without taking anything happening in the engagement to heart to protect my mental statr. (2) Currently I see 2 options: 1) raise the issue with HR and ask for an emergency unpaid leave for mental health reasons - doing this is viewed negatively by my supervisors. 2) Resign even though I don’t have another job to fall back on (yes I could live on my savings for a while but I’m typically very risk-averse).

As additional context, I spoke again with supervisors (not the lead supervisor) about the mental and emotional issues I’m having and that I’m thinking of requesting an emergency unpaid leave when they notified me about the new engagement - they mentioned this was going to be viewed negatively by lead supervisor as I already asked for leeway on previous engagement (even though this is understood by everyone as not being provided) and he was not going to react in a positive way (going as far as saying I’m going to be ostracized from engagements moving forward). I currently feel trapped, unsupported, and fear that they might be correct and what I’m asking is unreasonable (at the end, this is a job) but I’ve given so much of my time and health to making engagements successful that I at least thought they were going to be supportive during this time. When my supervisors told me that, I resolved on just sucking it up and do the engagement (similar to the previous one I did) but the 12-month deadline is killing me and I know this will just worsen my mental state.

My boyfriend passed earlier this month, it’s been really hard to accept and cope with. I’ve been begging for a sign that he could hear me, that he was listening and he was there. Of course I’m probably not going to see any sign just laying on my couch mindlessly scrolling my phone, playing the sims, and rewatching childhood shows for distraction, which is all I’ve been capable of doing this past month. But I’m still desperate for a sign, and I needed to run to the store earlier. So before walking out the door I asked him, like an annoying broken record, to please just give me some sort of sign.

When I was walking into the store, there was this guy walking my way, then he turned around and started walking in the same direction I was going. He looked back at me. Or at least we both walked to the back of the store but he kept going straight, I had to take a left. he was covered in tattoos, including face tattoos. For where I live, it’s really rare to see someone covered in tattoos like that, especially face tattoos. My boyfriend had face tattoos and I loved his because they were part of him.

After I went in the separate direction I headed to the produce section and as I was walking by, a product randomly fell over on its own. I grabbed the item I needed then headed to check out. My friend works at this store so I walked down all the check outs to see if she was working, didn’t see her and turned around to go back to self checkout. When I turned around and started heading back, I passed that same guy again.

I left the store thinking this must be a sign. I’m not religious, or even really spiritual, but I was going to choose to see it that way because I need it to be. But now 6 hours later and I’m laying here starting to feel like an idiot. Like I’m delusional for thinking something so small like produce falling over could be my loved one. Idk. I feel dumb. Was this a sign, or am I just delusional and crazy?

I lost my mom on Sunday and I'm so angry. I'm more angry at my family than anything else. There's a long backstory to that but I have to go to the funeral and I don't know how I'm going to deal with it. I've already snapped at them and every time they call I seem to just get more and more angry. My mom's husband is making everything about him and I'm having a hell of time dealing with that. I have been having anxiety/panic attacks every time I think about having to go to the funeral. I'm to the point where I don't even want to go. I just don't know how to deal with it all and what to do. Any advice?

I have mostly online friends. In this day and age, I expect it's pretty common. I've been gaming online with one person for about 3 years and we talk pretty much daily. (I am intentionally leaving a few details vague for privacy.) They were just diagnosed with something that has a 0% survival rate and not long left. I don't know what to do. I've never lost a friend before. We still keep up with gaming, and I have purchased a signed print from a voice actor I know they like hoping to cheer them up. I try to act like nothing is wrong when we voice chat but afterwards I just break down and I can't sleep without a melatonin pill. I was recently awake for 34 hours straight because I was crying on and off. I can't even afford to fly down and visit. We've never met in person. Am I doing the right things? Can I do more?

Long story short my grandmother who i was very close to died on my 21st birthday almost 2 years ago now. I have had a hard time coping especially when my birthday comes around.

Since i live in a swing state i see political ads everywhere counting down till Nov 5th and it's just giving me major anxiety this year. I used to look forward to my birthday but after my grandmother died i absolute dread the day and these political ads aren't helping.

I guess i'm just sharing this here to see if anyone else has been in a similar situation or have any ideas of how to cope?

Also depending on who wins i can imagine my moods either getting better or worse.

I’m 20f in college right now and in this year alone my father had attempted to take his own life twice in a very traumatic way. I’ve had so many complicated feelings regarding this matter such as guilt, fear, sadness, anger, shame, etc. I’ve also been conflicted on whether I can actually label my emotions as ‘grief’ as technically my father is still alive. Despite him surviving his attempts, I still feel that there is a drastic loss in my life. His depression has changed him completely. I don’t recognize who he has become. I still love him of course and have been doing my best to support him and my family while I’m away at school. I am just struggling to understand how to cope with this. I have ended my 2 year relationship 2 months after the most recent incident. Though I am certain it was the right decision for me to heal properly, I still am so unsure of what it is exactly that I am experiencing now. Is this a form of grief? How might it be different / similar and what can I expect?

Tonight I lost my Dad. Six years ago I lost my husband (massive heart attack). Last August I lost my mom and a couple hours ago I lost my dad. I have so many feelings yet am so numb at the same time. How on earth am I supposed to get thru all this?? I just don’t have the words right now but I have no where else to turn.

My dad died about 12 days ago and I am having a hard time realizing it. To make a long story short, he was in the hospital and we thought he would recover, unfortunately by the time I had arrived he slipped into a coma he would never wake from. So I didn’t get a proper goodbye. I was there when we all made the decision to take him off life support and until his final breath. But it still doesn’t feel real. I feel like this is an awful nightmare or that he just went on a trip and I’m waiting for him to come back. This sucks. How am I supposed to move on?

My mum died when I was 8 (I’m 19 now). I was practically a baby, man. Maybe memories are coming back because I’ve had a bit too much to drink, but fuck it still hurts so much. My childhood would be so much better. My dad would never have turned to alcohol. I would’ve had some emotional support during puberty. I would’ve had someone to talk to. I Just miss being 7, and talking to her, walking home from school, telling her how my day was. I remember telling her I loved her so much, that she loved me to the end of the universe and back. I hear people with good relationships with their mums, and I know that would’ve been me, if cancer didn’t take her. It isn’t fair. Why am I the only person I know (besides my brothers) without a mum? I’m probably gonna get cancer young too, and die young. I might even leave kids behind, motherless. I wanna be a mother when I’m older, so badly, but I don’t want my kids to go through that (shit I had a small panic attack after writing that). I cant tell my dad how I feel because he’d get too sad, same with my brothers. I just my mum back

I lost my dad Sept 9 2020. My dad has been my Home Screen image on my phone since then. My grandson was born last Friday. He is named after my daddio 🥺🥰 I think I’m ready, I want to change the photo to my grandson. I miss my daddy every single day. 4+ years. I talk to him every day, multiple times, in my head etc. I’ll tell him things like, you are missing out on so much, but then “we” realize how he wasn’t well enough to continue this earth. And I forgive him for having to leave. I still can’t talk about him in the past tense. And I can only say that he left. Or he went. He had to go.

He isn’t gone. That’s too real. I will see him again one day.

Do you all think it’s ok for me to let my favourite photo on my phone of my dad be replaced with my grandbaby? It doesn’t mean I’m forgetting my dad by replacing his photo… I just want to carry on? I will never forget my awesome dad…and my grandbaby is named after him for a reason. My dad couldn’t have been any more amazing to his family. We all love him and miss him every single day.

Not really looking for an answer. Just wanted to say it out loud. But any answers are welcomed just the same.

Hi, I think Grandma is going to be gone soon

My grandma is 87. She fell 2 weeks ago and hit her head and broke 4 ribs. She was sent home, where she lives with her son (he lives with her, hes a bum) who is supposed to take care of her but has let the house fall into ruin. She was peeing on herself, didn’t know who anyone was, thought her dead siblings were still alive. She didn’t eat or drink for two days, and finally I called APS to file a report, and called the police for a wellness check. They took her to the hospital and I’m so happy I called because everyone agrees she would probably have ….. if I didn’t get her back there. I saw her last Monday in the hospital when I was in town, and she kept rhyming words. She didn’t know who I was but I told her I loved her and she said she loved me too. I told her she’s my best friend and she goes “I am?” And I asked if I could be hers and she said sure. I fed her a little bit. I felt like tiny pieces of her were popping through. The uncle who lives at the house is suddenly cleaning it, but the city already knows about the mice, roaches, bed bugs, and neglect. My other uncle who is her POA has refused to do anything because putting his mother in a much needed home would mean his brother doesn’t have a place to live, and he won’t be inconvenienced to take him in. I hate them, I’m so disgusted by their existence.

She’s in a rehab home now, just moaning. I FaceTimed her a few minutes ago because I’m in another state, but seeing her in 2 days. I don’t know what to do. I’ve only ever known life with her in it. I lived with her in college when it seemed like neither parent had/made space for me. We went on trips together, we were in a hot air balloon 14 years ago on a trip to PA. I was holding the inside of the balloon for dear life, while she was leaning out like she was trying to see the bottom of the outside of the basket. We would talk all the time. I loved and love her, she said she was going to live long enough to see me get married.

I remember she said someone said something mean to her and I said “well I love you.” And she said “well I’ve always known THAT.” She never hid how much she loved me. Now she just keeps her eyes closed and moans, no eating, the only word sometimes being “mama.” I don’t know what to do. I’m too sad to cry half the time. The other half I am crying. I feel sick, and I think she’s going to get better. I’m in the medical field so I’m not naive, but she’s come back from stuff like this before. I don’t know what to do and just want someone to tell me something nice because all I want to do is throw up.

My mom passed earlier this year, everyday since whenever I remember her all I think is I should have messaged her back, I should have went over to see her more, I should have hugged her more, I should have allowed her to push my boundaries just so I could get to touch her warm body and see her smile at me. She hurt me yes but I was still her child, I was her whole world, she told everyone about me and how proud she was of me. I feel the need to help everyone but can't talk to anyone myself. I lost a mom but my dad lost his wife, my grandma lost her daughter. My nephew will never know their grandma anymore, he was her pride and joy, and yet he will never know how much she adored him. I feel like I need to be a rock for these people but I am so filled with guilt I can't talk to anyone. I'd do anything to go back in time, I'd even do anything just to go back to her viewing, to kiss her cold head and hold her one last time. The world feels so cruel