It was a night like any other.... THE HAUNTED GATORADE

a story by sociallysquackward written on shittyadviceanimals -part 1

It was a night like any other, and not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. I had a weird gerbil on my bed and he was licking his own butt. that's ok though, that's just what weird gerbils do sometimes. It was a friday night like any other, and not a creature was stirring, except for my tummy, rumbling from all the good pizza I had aten. Yummers! Yummers! Yummers!

That was some good pizza. And I also say to my self, mmmm how do I wash this down? I was getting over a cold and so I had some gatorade left over from when i had a real bad cold. It was cool blue flavor. Hold on folks ! I got diarhea. be back in 5 mins!!1

.... anyway I am back folks. Where was I ? Oh yes the gatorade. Yeah it was blue and it made my mouth blue too. But it was actually haunted gatorade it turns out. It was diet gatorade.

It was haunted blue gatorade, and diet, sugar free gatorade, and it haunted me. How was it haunted? It was haunted because I woke up and there was an orange lid on my forehead. I woke up and there was just this orange lid from the gatorade on my foreheard. I thought i drank you! I said to the gatorade.

But the gatorade said nothing back, and when i went back to the fridge, the gatorade was back in the fridge, fully loaded. I had only purchased a single blue gatorade. And I lived alone, only with me and my weird gerbil. So that was reason number two that it was haunted gatorade.

Are you afraid yet? Something so mundane is so haunted. Something where you used to drink it after ball practice, soccer and hockey and baseball and whatnot, something so mundane and normal for my middle class lifestyle is now haunted and terrorizing my home.

But that's not all, the gatorade did start talking to me. The gatorade started talking to me about how i was going to live a mediocre life in my mediocre world, and that all that i would ever be was just another guy, which made me a middle class american very upset. And then I put on the news and started doomscrolling through the news and hearing about all this nonsense about this and that and then they mentioned that gatorade was being recalled. So there was something wrong with my gatorade..

Not to break the fourth wall or anything, but when I had diarrhea earlier in the story, that was from the blue gatorade that i also did drank. It has an orange thing on my head, i looked in the mirror and saw i had an orange gatorade yamulke but then i was like wait a minute i am not jewish, i left the faith years ago. It turned out it was not a hat but in fact a gatorade cap.

The orange gatorade cap started controlling my mind. It may be the nanobots that billionaires put in the haunted gatorade. That's the only reasonable explanation for why this gatorade orange thing went on my head while i was a sleep. I am running a really high fever and having diarrhea and dying of dysentery and gout.

The haunted gatorade part 1 ---- END

Garfield did that. A cat with lungs full of marijuana smoke, and tobacco smoke. So much smoke. Body more smoke than empty space.

Garfield the cat had a penis but no balls. He had lost his need for banging and impregnating the nermal minxes of the world after John had him have his appointment to chop his balls off. All hope for banging and continuing on the football passes of the Garfield bloodline had gone but it was okay for Garfield had turned into something contented.

Smoking so much and letting his life cut itself short from the statistics of smoking so much, Garfield's eyes glossed over in a stoned haze. It's true that Garfield was originally set to be a pizza ranter and raver over lasagna, but for logistical reasons, maybe due to cats not having opposable thumbs, Garfield was selected instead to be linked up with lasagna, a similar but different casserole like dish though still with supposed origins in Italy.

Through my digressions, I was wanting to say that Garfield had become a cheechlike stoner, fat with contentment. Tipping the pizza guy a bit more than 20 percent to be a cool stoner cat, aware of possible karmic rewards through tipping. Reciprocity had room to exist there. If an employee gives a bulk discount on a product, Garfield wondered, should some of the difference be made up by tipping more on the iPad? This is perhaps how you build business relationships as a wheeler, dealer, or major consumer whore.

Garfield's hazy eyes were alright, on Lexapro Zoloft, this and that. The weekends could slap hard with good times, rock and roll. Hip hop with gorgeous beats, going shopping and relaxing. Perhaps an orange cats life could be all about this type of vibrations. If not this, then what?

The third thing, after the cigars and doobiez, was Garfield's star trek VHS tapes. That's how Garfield was occupied, stoned and relaxed, deeply. On a Saturday, it would be nice to have a pizza to accompany the science fiction stories, which were nice for their hopefulness. Refreshing hopefulness through star trek.