Earth, the great AR

To see where this is going

You needn’t look far

Automatic Rifle

How many rounds does it hold?

Is it enough to break the mold?

Of society.

The sickness that took hold.
It’s a desperate man’s hand.

One last stand

A card better left in the deck.
What the heck? What relief exists like bliss in the mind of a killer as he releases the rubber grip?

If only he could get a grip

on the hope that was swallowed up with his soul

The souls it feeds. As many as it needs. That cantilever system works in full action auto… how exciting

I created you and now you must listen.

Do you hear?

The earth is firing its rounds. No need for hell hounds.

The earth mounds it’s piss-soaked victims corpses for courses

What’s the caliber?

Look through the sights

There is no need to size when the bullet hits right between the eyes

every single time.

Without reason or rhyme.

The earth has no motive just like so many of your white washed fellow faces

Any races

whether plagued by insanity or paid with profanity the perpetrator of his wrath will ultimately be stricken down in his path by the greatest of all ARs

EARTH

ARTHE

RTHEA

THEAR

HEART

Sexualizing these thighs since the beginning of time.

A girl whose life was already set up for trauma.

Quiet in the dusk. Allowing men to rule her.

Vibrations of fear and lust between her.

Longing for love. Silence becomes her.

They expect all of her but only take parts of her.

Mourning the old her. Grieving the free her.

Soft and fluttery like feathers in her pillows. The same pillows filled with her tears.

Night time comes and nobody knows her secrets. Sworn to secrecy but dying to tell. Why won’t someone help her.

They never ask if she’s okay. They take what’s not theirs. She gives her all because she’s afraid to lose the only ones she has left.

Losing herself but gaining nothing.

Let's move to a little lost town on a lake,
We'll tend the bars, and we'll open the bakeries,
We'll build a landmark in the centre of town:
As an ode to the day we decided to found:
The coziest town on a lake in the forest.
The paddlewheel rolls round and round,
Just like the seasons pass throughout,
But our minds and hearts are set on our marks:
To keep our town from turning upside down,
In our cozy little town on a lake in the forest,
We moved when we found it had no one around,
And we kept its charm and dairy farm,
With just us few who only knew:
About the little lost town on a lake in the forest.

DEFINITELY SHITTY - Hypo manic for 3 days depressed tomorrow

These thoughts won’t stop so I let them in

I crave attention but I’m a hermit.

Visually unhinged replaying the same sad story in my head like a record from 2000s boy bands

I call him because I want him but I hate him and he hates me. It’s not fair because i actually feel nothing at all. Why does my brain hurt. Why am i crying. Crying for someone but I feel nothing for no one. In bed all day. I can’t tell you when I showered. I can’t tell you when I will. But I don’t stink because the sink is my friend. Tears fall. Hearts cold. Dreams of waking up in heaven. Hypo makes me feel like heaven. Depression feels like death.

Hypo manic for 3 days depressed tomorrow.

in the hollow of my chest, a socket waits for the plug of your approval

i am a doll, a marionette, with jerky movements and scripted words.

the lines that blur, the edges that fade the me that's lost, the me that's made.

i'll rewire my brain, whatever it takes: my thoughts, my feelings, my every desire.

when i stand in the mirror in front of the reflection of my emptiness

looking for a fleeting glimpse of who i am, without the weight of influence,

that will be okay, because in the museum of my mind, a single exhibit stands:

a relic of our love.

i handle it with care, with reverence and fear lest it shatter, lest it disappear.

don't leave me, don't leave me, don't leave, i'll be nothing at all. ♡

When I’m missing you

I close my eyes

and all I see is your face

but lately I don’t see anything clearly

I see hazy grey

flashing lights 

my friends draped over furniture 

pools of blood

and beer

I see panic 

and fear.

My breath becomes heavy

until I forget how to breathe

I cling to your face

the vision, the calm

Come back and take me

away from this storm.

kaleidoscope of colors

shifting and morphing

reflections in a dirty mirror

two broken things

two shattered minds

the world outside

a distant echo

a fading signal

a muffled scream

i don't want it

i don't wanna think

i don't care at all

i want to feel your weight

on top of me, inside me

your skin on mine

a fleeting comfort

your arms around me

each other's shadows

we find a moment

of fleeting peace

from the crushing burden

of existence

In the dark, in the dirt, in the grime

You're the only light, the only thing that makes me feel alive

You're the only thing that makes me feel like I'm still human

You're the only one who makes me feel like I'm not alone

A presence in the emptiness, a shadow that's my own

In the ocean of my tears, in the waves of my sorrow

You're the only thing that makes me care about tomorrow

You're the only thing that makes my nothingness feel like a something

You're the only thing that makes this abyss feel like a womb

A shadow in the spotlight, a phantom in the frame

A flower in the toxic waste, a bird in the acid rain

♡

I am a soft girl

wrapped in a hard shell

Cloaked in a silk.

my teeth drip

in anticipation .

of A taste of a living thing.

maybe If I

pretend a while,

those boys will fuck

this soft malaise, into a bloody pulp

until I can’t tell

which breaths those hurts caused.

Hurting you is hurting me.
Something that was to never be.
Thy name means pure.
Far from pure, you see?
Full of flaws and errors.
I am not the person who you seek.
For she’s lost but soon, in time she’ll peek.

I’m bitter and I don’t know what to do with my flavor

I let words spew from my mouth, all coated in lemon

Eyes green with limes

Searching for the envy covering my thoughts like zest

If I convet enough you, will I soon turn sweet?

If I devour you whole and let my tastebuds become yours, will your flavor be mine?

Tell me dear, do you too melt like burned candy?

I want you to become mine

I want all that you have

Does your blood too taste of honey?

So I guess that's it then,

Enjoy your cake or whatever the fuck you call it

I was a means to a petty end,

Enraged and that has turned me to a petty-holic.

Enjoy your fat ass of a husband,

I'm sure you'll identify with what you have inside,

Begging me everyday to compliment your body

"The wrinkles aren't that noticable right?"

Love isn't enough for some, it's barely enough for me

I wish I didn't mistake a woman wanting out of a marriage for that but anything

Twas' a scapegoat for a corkscrew Mormon

To fuck another person she could cry about to her next husband.

It's funny how they say "I'll be the prelude to what you really need,"

Yet I'm alone eating Cheetos and looking at you married before I even leave.

Something tells me behind most smiles in pictures

There's misery of abuse and people barely caring

If I see a woman smiling and a man barely grinning,

I know that marriage is all but confined and dying

Then I look at everyone else in this life,

Slowly dying trying not to act like all that's inside

Is vanity, money, means of looking good to somebody,

It's all a stupid picture you can post in this age to everybody.

And that is the truth of why I wasn't shared to anyone but you

A confined secret of a mistake I took and shouldn't of with you

Fuck all the morals, I've broken every law

As I look back on my corkscrew Mormon, I remember all her flaws

~

You'll make a good story in a bar someday

If I don't have a catheter in my penis maybe I'll find my way

Telling my stories about how I shouldn't be here today

Lust is a fools prize, fuck the game of love I play

When you feel everything so deeply, you’re often misunderstood.

They call you sensitive.

Tears cover my face as I feel.

Tears cover my face as I think.

Tears cover my face as I sleep.

Deep breaths because they’ll never get it.

Why should I care when they don’t.

Feeling so deeply yet feeling nothing at all.

My brain is mush. My words become twisted.

I long for truth. I long for love. I long for understanding of self and them. Why should I care when they don’t.

Sometimes I think about the things I've done,
And worry people will think about me differently because of them,
But then I remember that no one respected me before either,
And remember that doing what I'm doing is the right thing for everyone.

Sometimes I miss being around other people,
But then I remind myself what being around other people was like,
And I calm down and breathe easy knowing I'm alone,
And how now I get a better sleep all through the night.

Sometimes I think about the things people might say about me,
And how it effects others perceptions of me today,
But then I remember that's the way the world has always been,
And keeping alone from attention seeking gossip will always make it go away.

Sometimes I think about how other people are able to make lasting friendships that are sound,
And then I think back on what friendships like that were like for me,
And I realize I just can't keep up a fake appearance to keep nice people around,
Because I'd rather be in control of how I feel and act personally.

Sometimes I feel I'd rather live off the land in a forest hut all by my lonesome,
I may not survive long but at least I wouldn't feel like humanity around me is out of control,
It feels as though something has been set in motion that has just begun,
And if I keep around people they'll just keep up this behavior that ends up taking a toll.

Poem:

In the hush of dawn’s embrace,
She stood by the old oak tree,
The Hawk Tuah girl with fire in her gaze,
Whispering truths wild and free.

With a laugh that danced on the breeze,
And eyes sharp as a falcon’s cry,
She’d tell of the world’s raw edge,
Where dreams and grit intertwine.

“Sometimes you gotta spit on that thang,”
She’d say with a voice so clear,
For the spirit is fierce, and the road is long,
And the soul must know no fear.

Her words were like the rustling leaves,
In the quiet, they’d softly cling,
To those who dared to listen close,
To the wisdom that she’d bring.

Haiku:

Spit on the raw edge,
Hawk’s cry pierces through the dawn—
Brave hearts heed the call.

Your tears meant nothing I was blind

Just another poor soul caught in your lies

Please don’t try to justify your acts

Like “you did this, and you did that”

I never went as far as you

I wouldn’t dream of it

I wouldn’t play you like a flute 

And even if I did I don’t think I could do it as well as you

Your theatrics got me good

Better than any thespian ever could 

But I’ll be better now I’m fine

But time will remember your crime

And I won’t be there when you need a savior 

I am allowed to decide the things that are important to me;
And the things that are important to me are the speedruns of Super Mario Party.
That's right, It's me:
It's me watching the speedruns of Super Mario Party.
Who cares about your politics?
Who cares about your feelings?
Because someone just got a new world record Speedrunning Super Mario Party;
And that's what's important to me.
That's what's important to me,
That's what's important to me:
Not you. Not your problems. Not your community.
What's important to me is watching speedruns,
Speedruns of Super Mario Party.

Hence why the only partners I can attract are in wheelchairs or who have cancer.

It’s an ironic thing how on paper I don’t have many illnesses

But the negative Eeyore bullshit makes me intolerably foolish

No girl looks at me as a provider or a solution

I’m the one night stand the one you keep a secret or fuck with

A toy on the shelf and as I near the end of my 30s

The toy isn’t shiny, it barely spits out much substance

This is how it ends. I once thought I had a chance

Maybe could have a family. But then mine was split in half

Realized my dad abused each one of us in secret

So now the loves of my life are an echo, brokenly decrepit

For we are nothing but what we learn

I have no model to follow the ashes in my urn

Are a broken home and waiting my turn

Where I could be loved. Truly without words

But love isn’t love. It’s a transaction of what your worth.

​Pathetic pushers​  

Clutch possessions​  

No posing no pretend ​  

Just needful things ​  

From floor to floor​  

Use the elevator door​  

Roll with other whores​  

Provocative nasty shit​  

Amping up displays​  

Shunting fear away ​  

Left out for being fey​  

Or for whatever shit​  

Frivolous mirthiness​  ​  

Scared collectors birth  

Wield falling spoons​  

On gray days goon​  

Climaxing shivers bold​  

For whatever it's worth​  

All these things I mean​  

Nowhere to take them​  

Regale them, story them ​  

Better to trash in fill, like:​  ​  

Pitter patter falling lightly ​  

Raindrops, but even smaller​  

Dew drops crushing rocks​  

Inhabited by wet shock​  

Fuck with my reality ​  

Now me, I claim denizen​  

Paying rent on this tent​  

All of this here​  

All of me dear.​  

A man before me with a similar face fucked every which way or position it’s true

Even now as I write this a man somewhere who looks like me is dreading

Waking up another day because the love of his life is not with him

And there I wonder I know none of my plights are a plea

Something that should be commemorated or to believe

My suffering is in vain I know I deserve the cross I bear to bleed

I did this to my body. I will drop the blood until my father sees

I didn’t mean to think my pain is any more than my brothers before me.

I know if I was a tall like many I’d have more of a lie to tell

I look at my accomplishments and see a white mans shell

If I was anything but would I have thousands of wells

Where I can get water anytime I want. It’s a hopeless hell.

If you could live a unique life what story would you have to tell?

A revelation of how you finally found the truest tale felt

My walls whisper questions to me at night

Tonight I fear I’ve spoke too loud and laughed too free thinking of you

They grew quiet and asked when my eyes became so clear

They asked when I grew a smile this big

And a heart large enough to love

They whispered amongst themselves not giving me time to answer

They spoke of the fears and insecurities I’ve once held inside of me

Finally they asked me why I’ve finally allowed myself to live knowing I use to cry to them at night in fear of my death

And I told them what I knew

I told them of your smile and hair

Your voice

I have little room to worry of my death when you’re in front of me

Too much love to give you in the meantime

If the grim reaper so wishes to take me

I do wish to be bathed in your laughter once more before I go

Just enough to tide me over until I can hear it again

Because we will reunite

… damn this is the sappiest shit I ever made and it’s about my goddamn best friend, not even romantic

Also I have no fucking clue what the title means, I just typed a bunch of random letters and it autocorrected to that

If I asked you to hold me

would I slip through you fingers?

Collect at your feet

Baking on the asphalt

A vapor

Carried by your aspirations

For the clouds

Inevitably waiting

for a chance

to fall again

And like that
you get addicted
to nobody.
Nobody knowing you
and nothing so shocking for you
go ahead and run away for one week
take two
so much time in this world
to loosely use
cruising the cruise
changing the course
issa trus

but new fear to reappear
is you news
how you been
is you good
how’s it going
because all you gather
thru the whole year
is nothing to loose
as you’re downhere
in wholesale store of blues
just more hues
behind the shades of eyes as they close
and more ways to disguise
maybe you find out that the shadows
aren’t all just blacked out
blackest heists chasing hurts
they too get softer behind the cover
just like you do
say you’ve been fine, all is truely good
and you’ve been having a great time
To the core why shouldn’t you take care
for you to you, sincere, by you.
Till we all get there
why you always gotta be the bothersome news?

Is it because you hate boring shows
and actually murder ones you pause
too, bad weather you choose
to cruise the cruise.

Days, days and nights you set your illusions;
Sometimes make it nice
Breakthrough from under the ice

Breakthrough from under the ice
Shame of how naked this trust feels;
It’d burn all lies - the soul that never dies;
little prince coming back to his rose under the glass
and countless sunset sights.

You’ve burrowed your way into my mind

I said you were dangerous

because I saw a future I could call you mine

You let go and now I’m callous

You showed me your favorite spots

Your music and your inner thoughts

I shared with you all of my personality

My goals and my family

And now I’m left in this bed by myself

Worrying about my own health

Somewhere between heaven and hell

I can feel the limbo settling in well

-Blursday, a haiku about coffee-

"Have you had coffee...
that was so strong that for once,
you could still feel hope?"

It's a sad cage we live in
Tell me about your options
Women marry men hoping
They won't abuse or hit them.

So what are your actual options?
It's a riddle of what's given
A man who is good what's determined
After a year of marriage what will he turn into in?

Sometimes I wonder,
Are the ones who are just okay the better ones,
The ones who are great are they always great?
If someone is amazing do they turn into an amazing monster?

And then I think about it,
What woman loves a man the same after children
I know so many would say it just changes,
But so many empty nests translate into nothing.

The reality is you're playing with shitty odds
A table where a crap partner will wreck it all
For people change their desires
As fast as the Earth changes winds and it's fires

Pick your pick if you want the societal fulfillment
Of a white picket fence and passing abuse to your children
Or the 10% chance you'll find a decent husband
It's a hopeless cage we live in

why must I like an unsuspecting moth pulled toward the light of a deadly flame be unknowingly drawn to the one musical theater major tenor in my one academic class

destined to fail yet doomed to desire the light; a light that seems so innocent at a glance, as a boy in my seminar might appear to be normal

yet harbors a darkness in its lethal touch, its only warning being the undesired heat of its nearness a warning similar to that I perceived when the boy said he went to the mf jimmy awards

Hate getting drunk but it numbs the parts of me i don’t want to be. it’s tight grip around depression and anxiety so they don’t speak. the burn in my chest giving me courage i don’t need. the world finally within my reach but it slips through my grasp so here i go down another glass. god i hate getting drunk, wait are y’all drinking? pour me up a shot, and cheers to us the unlucky ones, the ones who drown their sorrows in white claws and rum, the ones who are the life of the party because a piece of their life is missing, the ones who drink to find peace and the ones who drink to put their demons to sleep.

so pour me a shot so i can throw my problems up and go back to hating getting drunk.

I never understood the quote “I’m not a violent dog, I don’t know why I bite”

I consider myself to be a very emotionally mature person

I can always empathize with the other side and I have a big heart

I’ve never gotten mad at someone I consider a friend

I don’t scream or yell

I’m very quiet

But as I grew up

So did my resentment towards my dad and brother

My brother is trying his best, but it never seems like enough to me

I would always yell and snap at him

Same goes with my father

He used to be my favourite person in the world

But as I grew up I awaited the time he was gone

I never quite knew why

I’m not entering a new chapter of my life

Resenting the things I’ve done

The things I’ve said

And the things they must think

I’m not a violent, and I still don’t know why I bite

Take some advice, take it from me:
Every city boy you take camping will want to chop down a tree.
"I brought an axe", "I have my hatchet with me",
They've seen it in movies and watched wide eyed on tv:
They won't be a man until they've chopped down a tree.

Do you know how expensive trees are?
You might say "priceless" because they grow naturally;
So expect a heavy fine if it's not really your property:
That city boy will cost you more than an arborist's court fee,
If he chops down that tree he'll cost you a life changing amount of money.

There's something about killing that feeds their ego,
No matter what type of wildlife it is, or if they're killing it properly,
It's such a strong pull on these boys's minds that they're dull:
If it involves killing something wild they straight crave that sense of superiority.

Take some advice, take it for free:
I never take a city boy camping if they prove they can't listen to me.
I doubt a city boy's willingness to thrive until he's proven capably:
That he's learned to only want to destroy wildlife if it effects his survival imminently.