I’m really struggling.

My child continues to exist. We put her to bed, she wakes up every morning, sometimes many hours before us.

Diaper changes, being picky about her food, throwing toys, making messes.

She makes demands like “No.” and “Ucky.”

I mean, are we supposed to let her out of the cage at some point? I just don’t know if I can trust her out of the cage without having a tranquilizer gun nearby.

I've been really depressed lately and have decided to end it all.

This month I took not enough sleeping pills. Last month I shot myself and missed. The month before that I tried a Rube Goldberg machine.

Anyway, I've failed to account for this on paper, and as a result, by budget has begun to slip. I haven't had to dip into any savings or anything yet, but my question is: how do I fit this in as a line item in my monthly budget? It's a different amount every month, and in totally random categories. One was medicine, one was sporting goods, and Rube Goldberg was, like, all over the place. Do I just create a new category? Really struggling with this, guys. Any help would be appreciated.

How else can I show my kids the importance of giving back to the community (not to mention getting those sweet sweet crackers and juice) if I don’t make them give blood?

What kind of burqa is fashionable these days?

My child won’t eat anything. I shoved something down his throat and I felt something down there. I think it might be blocking the food. He hasn’t eaten in 6 years what should I do?

I guess the lady I really wanted to shag be enough to marry has some kids or something. They are resisting calling me dad and don't get me started on all the unopened beers they bring me. What should I do?

Do I need to increase his ADHD meds?

Sick of Big Hanes gouging me. Also, does my daughter need one whole tampon for every period? That’s like 12/year!

I told him to just go walk it off, but he’s just lying on the sidewalk moaning like a little bitch.

How do I tell her that that’s a stupid idea? Plus we can’t pay for her college after supporting our son’s dream of being a professional gamer.

I'd love to offload the little shit onto the government. It'd save me a lot of money.

I’m bored. Plus next to her I’m the pretty one, so maybe I’ll finally get hit on.

I'm trying to come up with good dinner ideas.

I already bought the slip-n-slide and horse placentas.

Do chicken nuggets have iron? And what’s the fastest way to shave their heads?

As a dad, I’m just really grossed out. I totally forgot my little girl had a real vagina (shudder). My wife told me to pick up some pads on the way home, sooo embarrassing! Anyway, how can I make it clear that I don’t want to be involved in any of this gross female shit, without making my daughter feel bad? After all, it’s not her fault.

I have had it with all the snowflakes in this generation. Just because my kid is (allegedly) blind, should not mean society should cater to him by providing Braille textbooks and a special notetaker in class. I was hyperactive as a kid, and I did just fine in school. How do I convince the school that my kid just needs to work harder and not be so coddled?

How do I get him to realize that I’m actually doing him a favor by toughening him up?

Obviously it’s too late to unvaccinate him, but I am not giving another dime to Big Pharma. But I am at a loss as to how to deal with potential schizophrenia. My cousin’s hairdresser’s son has been going to a chiropractor, should I try that? Or just give him megadoses of vitamins?

Plus I think there’s part of a grilled cheese sandwich stuck in there. What should I do?

I told him never to go outside, what did he expect?