Honesty? Understanding? Things of that nature.

If you dress well for other people, how's that going and is it hard to keep up the motivation?

If you dress well for yourself, why do you value dressing well?

^(^("Well" just means you put some effort in and have various outfits you wear and don't wear the same shirt every day and you don't wear clothes with holes in them.))

Nah. It's not too late. While it is more difficult at this stage of life, change is not impossible. If you have breath in your lungs you have the capability to change your life for the better. I don't know who needs to hear this, but here it is.

I (35F) have a friend (41M). We'be been very close friends for 12 years. Moved cities and even while living afar we still talk on the phone for hours at least once a week. We vent, talk about work, life etc.

He just asked me for a favor, "can you bring me a pair of tennis shoes on your next trip abroad"? (I usually go abroad to visit family on Christmas), he lives a couple hours away from said family and really wants to buy a pair that's only available in the US.

The problem is, I have a 2 year old, have to pay two tickets and the airline that takes me there doesn't have baggage allowance more than one personal item for free. They charge $50+ for anything else. I bring only one personal item, which I use as my diaper bag. These shoes would take uo the space of a personal item alone.

I told him I would do it gladly if it didn't mean giving up my much needed diaper bag space (baby's food diapers, essentials)..... He seemed upset about it.

I am confused by his reaction. Would you reconsider the friendship?

I am wondering if this is a man to woman misunderstanding, or an age gap misunderstanding, or what but I felt it was reasonable to say no?

I kept trying to explain that traveling with a toddler alone is already a huge challenge and that I can only manage the one personal item. I even said "if you want to pay for the checked bag we can take it like that" and he seemed to get more upset.

I'm married with 3 kids 14 and under. I'm slightly overweight but have played soccer all of my life, so feel like I could get back into decent shape if I had a real reason to. Exploring the possibility of joining. Thiniking either the AF or Army but not completely sure... am I crazy?

EDIT: wife is fully aware and encouraging me to get all information possible so we can make the right decision for us.

We meet maybe once or twice a month, we’ve known each other for over 15 years. For 2 weeks we had been planning to go eat at Korean BBQ and the night before one of my friends calls me and tells me I should sit this one out because they want one of our other friends to come definitely…

Let’s call this other friend D. For weeks I’d been inviting him to hangout in a group and even in private just us he turned me down each time. Still I never excluded him even after all that’s happened between us.

For my friends to just exclude me like that I’m still hurt by that. I called everyone out on it one day how that was a shitty thing to do and I can’t help but see the parallels of my relationships in my friendships.

They made it up to me by taking me out to the bar-cade a month ago and it was legitimately a good night but still my mind is on that feeling I just can’t shake.

I just can’t trust anyone anymore i feel and I’m aware these feelings are being amplified by my breakup and being cheated on and a bunch of other stuff. I’ve been isolated for so long I legitimately have no one to talk to cause I don’t trust anyone.

I’m thinking about just cutting everyone out of my life now no one reaches out anyway when they know I’m going through a hard time I’m always the one that does just for some company but no one makes time. My friends just don’t feel like friends they showed me who they really were. No one fought for me or objected.

I’m possibly about to be separated,in my 40s and this seems like it was my “last chance” for kids. Although it’s never been a burning desire, I do like kids and would be an awesome Dad.

Feels like my life will be very depressing growing old without them and alone.

Looking for Stories of How You Moved Forward After a Breakup

For some context, I’m 23, almost 24, and my ex-girlfriend ended our two-year relationship a few months back. Like any couple, we had our ups and downs, but I genuinely believed she was “the one.” We’d talk openly about our future—marriage, kids, everything.

Now, I find myself still struggling deeply, thinking about her nearly every moment I’m awake. I’m hoping to hear from anyone who’s been in a similar place. What helped you push through? How did you finally come out on the other side? Any advice or stories would mean a lot.

Edit : Thanks for all the responses. I’m set to graduate this December and have been actively applying for jobs—I even have a few interviews lined up. Since all my close friends graduated before me and have already moved on to their jobs, I’m in my apartment solo for now. I’ve been hitting the gym regularly and golfing quite a bit, which has helped me stay active. My classes are going well, and my grades have been strong, but honestly, the pain and thoughts are there constantly.

For a while now I've dealt with low energy and have been trying to figure out what is wrong. I'm now essentially at a loss and my doctor isn't making any suggestions. Some of the things I've ruled out:

* sleeping between 7-8 hours a day; no sleep apnea per sleep study. usually about 1-2 hours of both deep and rem sleep

* exercising 6 days a week, a mix of zone 2 cardio and moderate intensity lifting

* eating healthy, cooking most meals, 30+ grams of fiber, plenty of protein and vegetables. rarely eat out and minimal processed foods

* from bloodwork - everything within blood sugar and lipid panel is normal as are vitamin d and other micronutrients that were tested

Does anyone have success stories of finding a root cause to their low energy fatigue? Curious what else I might be able to test or raise with my doctor.

So I (36F) am one of those women that is always single but gets along well with men on account of my love of riffing and having a few traditionally masculine interests. For various reasons, I've been in a lot of situations where I'm either alone with a married man or the only woman. [EDIT: what I really mean here is that I'm around married men without their wives present-- that's when this stuff is happening]

I may be hypersensitive to this, but I get a little panicky when a married man touches or treats me in a potentially non-platonic way. So I'm talking like one or often multiple of the following:

-brushing his arm or body against mine repeatedly when standing/sitting together
-leaning in really close to whisper in my ear because it is "loud"
-running a hand down my arm or back to end a hug
-staring a little too hard at me while I'm talking
-sending me out-of-the-blue texts or memes when we have no direct friendship

[EDIT: By "memes", I mean like Instagram reels when we have never talked before, not that he is replying with GIFs to an ongoing conversation]

Is stuff like that an actual concern-- like if I started matching energies with it, we would end up in an affair? Or do married men just sometimes need a little flirting to feel like they've still "got it"? (FYI I do have married male friends that would never do any of that.)

Is it possible there is something I am doing to invite this sort of behavior (like being too "riff-y", I guess)? Should I be a little colder to married men?

In general, I would just shrug this behavior off, but 1) it is making me distrusting of men's ability to be monogamous, and 2) in the case of my friends' husbands, I am VERY concerned it could somehow affect my friendships. My female friendships are basically the backbone of my life.

I have not mentioned any of this sort of potentially-harmless contact to my friends/the wives because I am not sure if I am overreacting and don't want to make things unnecessarily awkward.

I know all men are different, so it is hard to generalize, but I'd appreciate any insight from your personal experiences. Thanks!

EDIT: Thanks for all the replies, y'all. This blew up more than I expected, I am a little overwhelmed, hah. But this seems like a nice community, many thanks. I don't have anyone I feel comfortable talking about this to IRL right now, so I really appreciate it.

I am not where I thought I'd be at 30. Any common mistakes that I should avoid?

I’m in a really difficult place right now, and I could use some honest advice from people who’ve been in similar situations. Recently, I found out (in the most humiliating way) that my husband had private conversations with my sister about our relationship. This alone wasn’t shocking, but what hurt me was discovering that he shared explicit details about our sex life with her.

My husband is at the end of BCT-army right now so I didn’t want to interfere with his process. We touched lightly on it and he didn’t deny. He did deflect and try to minimize. He mentioned it happened right before he left for BCT which isn’t that long ago (8 weeks). He said it’s in the past and we are starting a new life. I told him his actions weren’t ok. He gaslighted me by using the time we had left to not end the call on bad terms, guilting me.

He will be done with the forge and probably calling me tomorrow or Friday and I’m not sure how to proceed. It doesn’t matter how you look at it, the damage is done. I had asked him during the call if he could cut all ties with her and he said no. He had also asked me to forgive her debt ($9,000 school tuition) and now I’m suspicious. I think to myself what would make this right and I can’t think of anything. Two relationships are ruined, including the relationship with my sister, she decided to yell at me drunk at a Halloween party that my husband doesn’t want me because I’m not feminine enough, that I don’t give him enough blow jobs, and that my pussy ain’t worth shit. I raised her, kept her safe, and have been her biggest cheerleader. He was talking to her in the past to help her cut alcohol. I regret having asked him to give her a talk.

I decided to not attend his graduation. I cancelled everything despite having to pay cancellation fees.

I sent him a letter saying this:

The lies and deceit are too much for me right now. I need to distance myself because my trust is shattered, and I'm deeply unhappy. I feel humiliated and betrayed. Moving forward feels nearly impossible, and I'm uncertain whether I can continue in this marriage. I also want to make it clear that I have no interest in controlling your interactions with my sister-if you choose to keep speaking to her, that's your decision. I truly wish both of you luck as you move forward in your own lives. *Amazon orders were cancelled so don't expect anymore deliveries. I also asked your aunt to give your laptop to your sister.

For those of you who have faced similar betrayals, how did you handle it? Did you decide to try to repair things, or was walking away the better choice? I’d really appreciate any insights or personal stories from others who’ve been in my shoes. I want to make the best decision for my well-being, but right now, I feel so conflicted and lost. Why would a 30yr old man talk to his 22yr old sister in law about his sex life. No good reason😣

I'm 40s dude, with a 50s friend that has a son that's in college. I love this guy and he's like my big bro, and I love his son like a nephew.

He has said, with sadness, that he is unable to connect to his son. He has difficulty controlling his emotions, and so does his son. He is getting so frustrated at his sons inability to control his own emotions, and I'm like duh, who do you think he picked this up from?

They had a strained relationship before when his son was younger. It was pretty bad, and they both went to therapy. The son said it was the worst moment of his life. I believe they had the worst therapists for the son at the time. Son has told me dad got a little better after therapy and that what I see now is the result of that.

His son is going through some personal problems, and I've convinced him to try therapy again, but this time for him and only him, not for his mom or dad. He has found one and is going to start soon.

I know why my friend can't connect with his son. He keeps comparing his son to himself "when I was his age I was like this" or "when I was his age I did that" and I tell him over and over again, your son is not you, and is not your wife. He's his own individual person and getting frustrated he's not like you is completely irrational.

I have told my friend he should give therapy another shot to try and learn how to connect with his son. He says it doesn't matter because his son won't listen to him, but when his son asks him something like "can you not do that" his dad is like "what everyone wants it get over it. It's because they love you" I told him you can't dismiss when he talks to you and expect him to want to talk to you. His response was that he never said or did that, to which I responded you did it right in front of me, and why would I lie about that? To which I could see on this face he knew I have no reason to lie about it, so he waves his hand and says "let's just not talk about this anymore", because he doesn't want to face and accept the consequences of his actions. I'm finding it is a lot of men that are like this (I know I used to have difficulty accepting responsibility instead of blaming others).

How do I get through to this guy? I want his relationship with his son to improve but I need to get him to admit, at least to himself, that he fucked up with his son. I told him it's not your kids job to feel comfortable going to you, it's your job to make your kid feel comfortable going to you, and he's like let's not talk About it

For the last couple of years I've relied on Banana Republic, but things I like come and go there so I need more options. Nothing fancy, black / other non-white v-neck t-shirts, jeans in colors other than standard blue denim, casual jackets, that sort of thing. My wife likes to go shopping at outlet malls, we a great one close by, but all the places like Calvin Klein / Guess / Lucky / whatever encrust everything with logos these days.

Seeing my ex who cheated on me, someone I allowed myself to be manipulated again and am roped into a semi serious situationship where we’re calling each other bf and gf. She doesn’t really make me happy outside of sex and even that isn’t that great. I’ve encountered so many new instances or remnants of her untrustworthy behavior but it teeters on the line of it being end worthy. I feel like I’ve become complacent and content with mediocrity/ wasting my life. I’m alone and not even fam reaches out to me. I feel pathetic. I’m not loyal to her and see other women on the side. It feels like a giant mess where I’m emotionally manipulated to stay. Idk why I stayed stuck on this girl for almost 3 years now when she’s been dating around plenty. She cries and pleads when I want to leave. My hope is something will be uncovered or I’ll have an epiphany to give me closure or at least indifference. Feeling like my evenings are wasted during the week when we see each other and we’ve both admitted to resenting each other. It’s definitely toxic.

Ok, this'll be a long read, so apologies in advance ...

I've just turned 35. Until the age of 28, I helped my mum care for my autistic sister. We would alternate shift patterns so someone was always there for her (we both work for the NHS, but I'm an agency support worker, so i have a flexible schedule). My dad wasn't reliable as he had his own inner demons to work on.

Once my sister had moved into supported accommodation (a move that was beneficial for both her and us), I spent a year and a half enjoying the freedom in my schedule that I had never had before, almost like living out my early 20s late.

Then in the new year, I decided it was time to get my shit together.

This was 2020.

So, instead, I worked in wards across the hospitals to help through the pandemic. As you can expect, this was also a time that I experienced burnout and my mental health took a dive throughout the years to come. Things felt hopeless and I couldn't see a future for myself.

Recently, though, things have happened in my life where I have seen things more positively. I've been in therapy since May, my friends have been making progress in their lives, and I even went on my first date in years.

These things have made me look inward at what kind of person I want to be and where I want to be for the first time. I've lived life believing that being there for others was the most important thing, more important than any degree of work on myself.

I've been financially irresponsible (I've just managed to pretty much clear credit card debt, but I have no savings), I still live at home (great relationship with my mother, but only now have I felt a true desire to branch out), and I still feel like I'm not sure who I am outside of my connections to others (son, brother, friend, employee).

So, any advice for a very late bloomer?

Hey folks, 32F here. I have a cousin, 33M, who was estranged from our family for a number of years but has since come back into our lives. Everything is great, we have a good relationship, but he's military so lives elsewhere. During his estrangement, a dark family secret came to light that the rest of us have been dealing with, but he is completely in the dark. As a person, I would want to know this information regardless of its devastating nature so I feel compelled to tell him. Having said that, I don't expect to see him for probably another year at the earliest (I was hoping to see him this Xmas but that won't be happening). Would you want to know this information and if so, is it wrong to tell it in a text? I feel like the longer he doesn't know the worse it would be (like 'how could you not tell me for so long?' type of thing), but I also don't want to drop a bomb while he has no support network as I'm not sure how it will affect him. Ultimately I'm wondering is it wrong to give him the news via text or is it worse to wait for the sake of it being face to face? Is it selfish to share this news when ultimately it's in the past anyway, but has fundamentally changed things for the rest of us?

I feel like I can't get the balance right. So I'm turning to y'all for guidance (cause my therapist ain't cutting it lol)

I'm 31. Was in a pretty long complicated relationship until late last year. Things ended last year in a very rocky way. One of the core things that I think led to other issues was my loneliness.

Early this year and closer to the spring time I was able to really delve into building And becoming social. I was really happy and was finally starting to get invites to things. Naturally, with that came woman. For a while, I was just seeing where things went as the year progressed. I somehow lost those budding friendships but found a new gf. Well, my GF is great. It sometimes feels as though I'm back in the same situation of having a non existentsocial circle, but having a partner.

I've always struggled to make friends or be social when I was in a relationship. I really don't want to keep making the same mistake.

Anyone else deal with this or have any advice?

Hi all,

Long story short- the title explains my question. I have worked my same job for going on 10 years. I run my own business and am very lucky to have been able to do the same job for so long to pretty high levels of success despite major mistakes along the way.

I’m about to turn 30. And while there are a lot of aspects of my job I really like still & I’ve certainly had success with it- I feel as if I’ve hit the ceiling. It’s a service based business that would require me to take on more clients that I don’t have the ability to handle.

I certainly don’t want to stop it immediately, but as I enter my 30s I’m looking at supporting a wife, kids, etc & I know I couldn’t do that on what I’m currently making.

My boyfriend is on week 3 of a 7-week intensive training for a new career. His hours are 8am-6pm, 6 days per week. He only gets one day off per week which he has to spend doing laundry, doing homework, etc. He's 2,000 miles away. It's intense.

My problem: I spent weeks working on a homemade care package for him. It took me many hours of actual work. I made him cards to open on different dates, got him gift cards for meals, and included various other self-care supplies. I sent it two weeks ago, but it has been confirmed lost in the mail. I'm heartbroken.

Anyway! I'm now having to travel for work and just having general *life* stuff happening (ie. my dog died a few weeks ago from a sudden illness-- my kids are not taking it well; I'm still finishing unpacking after a move, etc.).

I don't have the time to do another thoughtful labor-intensive care package. Any suggestions for what I can send him, how I can support him, make him feel loved/special, etc. now that I'm going to be very tight on time? What would you want?

Hello all, I am going to be 28 years old on few days and I am questioning my life and where I should be at this stage. I do feel that my 20s went so fast and by reaching 30 years old I should already know what I want to do. Reality is that I am not sure if I want to to stay where I live, I am not fan of my profession, thinking to start postgraduate education to strenght ly career but also doubting that.

What advice you would give ? I am rushing into life ?

I've realized as I'm approaching 40 that I don't think I've had any close, intimate relationships with male friends. I realize we have been socialized to not show emotion or be vulnerable with other men, but there have to be some guys out there that are ok with doing so.

Probably 95% of conversations with my male acquaintances and friends over the years involve surface level stuff, lots of weird posturing, trying to assert masculinity/dominance, talking about either the job or kids. That's kind of it.

Anyway, I guess I just yearn for more meaningful connections with my male friends. I actually want to be able to open up a bit and also be able to be that person for someone else. Does anyone have this kind of relationship with a male friend?

I am 34 and disabled. My back is VERY bad. I need surgery. I cannot carry much weight while standing because my lower back discs are basically destroyed. So I'm limited to workouts I can do while sitting or laying down.

A few months ago I was fortunate enough to make some gym friends after asking them if they could place 100p dumbbells on my chest so I can rep them out since I am unable to pick them up off the floor or even bring them up to my chest if they are on my knees and I'm seated on the bench. It was 2 guys, Steve and Sal. Now we workout together since we all bench the same weight and they seem to be very willing to help me, which I always show great appreciation for. Especially Steve. Example, I said a couple weeks ago, "Steve would you mind placing these weights on my chest?" to which he replies, "Of course bro! When Have I ever said no? I got you!". Sal also helps but likes to bust my chops about it. Still, he helps me.

Last week It was just Steve and an older(50 something) guy named Jose was benching with him. Steve asks me to join them and I accept. After my second set, I explain to Jose why I need help and let him know I am very grateful for his help since without their help, there is no way I could get those weights to my chest. Worked out with them maybe 2-3 more days. By this point, I've seen Jose acts like your typical Gym-douche. Loud, obnoxious, arrogant, Overestimates himself. Shortman syndrome. Whatever, I'm there to work-out so I don't dwell on it.

Today, Sal calls me up to tells me to join him by 3pm so I do. I get there and it's Jose and Sal, and I join them. When it comes to my set, Jose says he is not going to help load the weights on me, that I can wait for Steve if I want that. And Sal was being a punk about helping me too so I didn't press the issue at all and said "it's all good I'm going to go on the barbell bench-press for now".

Later in the day, we did all do the cable machines together. Jose keeps throwing little direct and indirect jabs at me. The last straw was when Sal says to Jose "Thanks for pushing me man, It's been a great workout!". Jose says says "No need to thank me man, Im glad we can all push eachother and workout together. I just appreciate that you're not there asking for help all the time to get the freaking weights up." I asked if that was about me and he confirmed it was.

I recently read a comment by someone that said something like, "Stop being afraid to be the asshole, don't be afraid to shake up the pecking-order". That resonated with me.

I told Jose, "I know you're not hating on me when all you do is little half-reps when we bench". "To which he responds, "Yeah but at least I get them up myself. You do them all the way because you get so much help having people bring them up to your chest from the floor so you can rep them out". To which I said, "I'm disabled and literally unable to do so, what's your excuse for shitty reps? besides you are not obligated to help me".

I forgot to mention his 30 something y/o son workouts with us too. He asks me what's the deal with my disability. I explain to him, basically, I have fucked up vertebrae and discs. I can't bear weight on my lower-spine without instant severely debilitating pain, so that's why I ask for help. But if no one wants to help, that is fine too. Jose says "Well then you shouldn't be lifting weights" to which I say, "I do what I can. And Idk why you are so focused on what IM doing. I have BEEN seeing you lift your little half-ass-reps and I don't say shit because it's none of my business. Maybe that is how you enjoy working out, I'm not knocking your methods, just don't come at me, when you lift improperly just to be able to keep up with the rest of us." He says, "Well you may be stronger, but who looks better?"

I am about 50 pounds over-weight, so I got small tits, but I would say I don't look bad. Here is a pic of me at a Halloween party this last Saturday for example. He does look decently fit because he doesn't have a lot of fat on him. But... objectively speaking, I look more muscular. In the heat of the moment I respond with, "Bro... there is no way you actually believe you look better... Im fat as shit yes, but you know damned well I'm far beyond where you currently are." At this point I realize how absolutely douchey the conversation just got and say "But honestly that shit is irrelevant. The point is, focus on yourself! I see you lifting horribly and I keep my fuckin mouth shut because it's none of my business".

At this point I can tell, he does NOT like me anymore... not sure he ever did. And good. Fuck him. The thing is, I really like working out with Steve and Sal and the other guys because I love that we push each other, and they help me out SO MUCH by bringing the weights to my chest. I know this guy is not going to let up. And he now seems to be a regular part of the group of about 5 guys not counting myself. I already hate the idea that I am a burden which is why I always express so much gratitude for the help I receive. But would understand if they ever told me, no more. What do I say or do? He doesn't believe I'm disabled just because I'm stronger. What should I say when he inevitably talks his shit?

Hey guys,

So I turn 30 Nov 9th. I can’t lie it’s more bitter than sweet and I’m at a very interesting cross roads in my life. I just (well 6 months now) got out of a really long relationship with the girl I thought I’d marry, and I’ve been traveling the world running from my problems while fighting to keep afloat my company that I probably sacrificed too much for. Probably having a quarter life crisis (to be optimistic lol).

What’s something you all would recommend to help me grow and make 30s better than I did my 20s? For better and worse I did not imagine I’d be where I am today if you asked me at 19.

I get it. This is going to sound like a woe is me, but I seriously have no one to talk to. So I'm talking into my phone and posting on Reddit.

I'm approaching 40 and my oldest of kids is about to graduate high school. She can't stop talking about graduating and moving in with her boyfriend. I've got two other kids that are shortly behind her.

I have dedicated the last 20 years of my life to work. To climbing the ranks so that I could be financially stable enough to give my kids, and my wife whatever they wanted. I Have been at all of the concerts, all of the sporting events, been there to pick them up from practice, and do everything that I can to support my wife. My family has become my everything.

In making my family my everything over the last 20 or so years, I have lost all of my friends. I also haven't taken care of myself. I'm 300 lb and get out of shape just walking upstairs to go to bed. My wife has a lot of medical issues and can't do much either.

I have poured my heart and soul into my family, and now that they're starting to graduate and talking about moving out, I don't know what my purpose in life is anymore. They say that when you become an empty nester that's when you can focus on the things that you enjoy, but the thing I enjoy most is my kids.

I have worked my ass off to provide a good home to raise my kids, and when they're no longer around I'm. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I know I'm one of the lucky ones that got to experience their kids growing up. That was fortunate enough to be able to provide for them. I know this is a petty ass rant, but I know nothing else then being a father. I don't know who I am without my kids, and I'm not mentally stable enough to ReDiscover myself. My world is crumbling down around me, and I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I'm not going to have any reason to keep working, or any reason to keep going. I know what's coming for me is a deep dark hole of depression, and I don't know how to avoid it. It's already starting to suck me in.

Thank you Reddit for being my sounding board. Time to soldier on.

I'm a young dude who dated someone briefly. We broke up after about a month when I couldn't commit fully, even though I was just taking things slow. Now, six months later, I still miss the affection she showed me.

She struggles with low self-esteem and sometimes lashes out. She’d joke about her own "red flags" like manipulation. After I went back to apologize, I felt over her for a bit, but we started talking again, and now I don’t think she wants me back, which hurts.

Friends tell me to move on, but no one seems to understand my side. Life feels mundane, work and school keep me busy, and family has its own issues. I feel lost and just want a way to reset. I am anxious about my career because I'm yet to get a win, I've been grinding hard for a while now. I do not know how to deal with it. I wish I could just not think about things and overanalyze, just feel what i do, and act on impulse. I have good friends, but I can't appreciate them these days. I can't find beauty in the little things like I used to. I want to feel love of all kinds, it's around me I'm sure, but I just can't see it.

I don’t have significantly older men in my life to talk to about this. Few older cousins I haven't spoken to in a while, a dead father, and irresponsible uncles. How do I deal with all this?

I'm 35 and single.

My parents are pretty much the only people I can confide in, except for one friend, but I wish I wasn't such a burden on him or on them actually...

Is therapy the only way to go? Internet strangers?

It's difficult for me to trust people with my feelings since some have turned them against me in the past...

24M just got broken up with after 3 years. I changed and tried so much for it that I feel like I become a diff person. In a good way I’d say. Before I was very much a fuck boy and said and did shit without really thinking. Then I met her and I knew I loved her from the start. I pursued and pursed her. During it I become feels weird saying but I really do think I become a kind of person that put myself in the back seat and cared about her more than myself, and even others.

I’ve always been brought up to care for others more than self. And now after all this, I’m starting to wonder how I am and who I want to be.

I’m sure you guys r thinking of you could be anything - be urself. I am asking how do u find urself. I feel Im struggling to juggle what my mom has always taught me (to be a kind person, even at the expense of urself, essentially compassion, I am Tibetan) and on the other hand, feeling like the world can just step over you when u are too kind.

Now I know u are going to say boundaries. I try but it just feels weird and a bit guilty doing it. I understand it takes repetition.

Sooo how do u find urself, be less caring what others think, and idk ig how to love/care for yourself? These I think r some questions im curious about. Pls feel free to give me any other advice for anything u think would help. I was very sad and now feeling a bit angry. I’m not much of an angry person, I can handle emotions well but I am starting not to recognize myself nor know who to look up to/become as a person like.

I’d love some outside perspective on what’s going on here.

Here’s the full story: Over the past few months, it felt like I was constantly “running into” my neighbor’s boyfriend whenever I stepped outside. Whether I was taking out the trash, heading to my car, or just getting some air, he’d somehow be there too, every single time. At first, I thought it was just coincidence, but it happened so often that it started to feel intentional.

Whenever we did bump into each other, he’d seem genuinely excited to talk—he’d smile, keep eye contact, and sometimes even volunteer personal information I didn’t ask for. For example, one day he told me out of the blue that he’s been working at a co-working space because his girlfriend thinks it’ll help him “focus more.” I hadn’t asked where he’d been, so the explanation felt strange, almost like he thought I’d been wondering about him.

But here’s where it gets really uncomfortable. Anytime his girlfriend is around, he acts like I don’t exist. He won’t make eye contact, avoids saying hi, and if we’re mid-conversation and he sees her approaching, he’ll suddenly pretend to be on a phone call or find an excuse to leave fast, as if he doesn’t want her to see us talking. It’s such a drastic shift that it’s impossible not to notice.

The worst part? I recently heard there’s a rumor going around that I’m “trying to get his attention” because I’m single. Apparently, people have noticed that we often run into each other, and now it looks like I’m the one going out of my way to talk to him, even though I never tried to start these encounters. I feel completely unfairly judged, especially since I was never interested in him—I was honestly just annoyed that he kept engaging me when he has a girlfriend.

Now I feel trapped. I don’t even feel comfortable leaving my apartment when they’re home because I don’t want it to look like I’m seeking him out. I’m trying to avoid any drama or misunderstandings, but it feels like I’m constantly being watched or misinterpreted, and it’s making me feel like a prisoner in my own space.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Why would he act like this, and how can I navigate this without feeling like I’m tiptoeing around my own building? Any advice would be so appreciated—I feel like this is really affecting my peace of mind. Thanks for reading.

Do you have any thoughts? Specifically looking for men who are older and got the vasectomy done 5+ years ago to answer the question. I’m trying to understand how i’ll long term feel about this decision, i just had a consultation.

edit: i’m specifically asking advice from men with no kids. although i appreciate the input from those who have kids, im looking for those without kids to share their experiences specifically as that is my situation and im looking for perspective.