How do some of you deal with your husband being incompetent. Time and time again I’ve asked him to pick up after himself. We’re now staying at my parents to take care of them as my mom just went through surgery and I still am finding his clothes lying around the house. We’re not even at our house, we’re at my parents’ house. I’ve spoken to him about it multiple times and have even tried the gentle spouse approach of, “Hey, I noticed you left some clothes on the ground. I put them in the hamper but could you please remember to put them there next time?” And nothing works. I even packed all the clothes and bags for us to come down here to care for them. And he makes comments like, “My xxx isn’t in the suitcase. Did you not pack them?” He also doesn’t pay any bills, except half the rent. Besides the rent I pay all our other bills, and I mean all of them. We both work full time, no kids. We make around the same amount of money and he’s constantly saying he’s “tight on money.” I will take any advice. Please don’t offer divorce advice. My mom just had kidney surgery and my dad tried to off himself so I’m having a rough month. I’d like to try and fix this together with him.

TLDR: Wife & I's needs may be incompatible due in large part to work

Hi reddit, I need to know if what either of us is asking is unreasonable or if we may be unable to really match each other's feelings and needs in the relationship.

My wife is a manager for a very successful restaurant in our city, and has many responsibilities that require her to work up to 70 hours per week, consisting of 12-15 hour days, 5 days per week. sometimes she leaves the house at 7am and not return until nearly 10pm. She is constantly physically and mentally exhausted, and very often battling illnesses while being immuno-compromised. She is aware that this is unsustainable and the restaurant owner is also doing their best to fix this by hiring more staff, which are surprisingly hard to find. In addition, she manages our rental properties (we are landlords) which takes significant mental load. It breaks my heart to see her so worn down and burnt out and I want to do my best to support her. Ive offered to manage the rentals for her but she refuses as she likes to have control and clarity over them.

I myself work as a lab technician doing shift work, working 4 12h days with 4 days off, about a standard 40h work week, half day shift and half overnights. I value my work/life balance highly and I love my job. I also enjoy my hobbies of gym, reading, video games, martial arts, cooking and the occasional gardening.

We both contribute 50/50 financially to expenses, but in order to support her as much as possible, I am doing roughly 90% of the housework and looking after our pets. I will cook every night so she at least has a dinner to come home to before she showers and goes to sleep. I have no problem with this arrangement but its still causing tension between us. Our affection is suffering and our sex life is zero. We have no time for dates and our few days off together are spent on 'errands': usually shopping. Her moodiness is apparent and I spend alot of time walking on eggshells as she has a tendency to snap at me when something minor goes wrong. Our time together is rarely enjoyable.

For context, I am a relaxed and agreeable guy who doesnt mind a bit of mess here and there as long as it gets tidied eventually. I value practical solutions to problems and direct communication. When things go wrong or stressful, I can stay very calm which some people admire but others will find lax or uncaring. My wife is more neurotic, organised and has higher expectations than me with regards to housework and 'tidyness'. If I leave a small mess in a kitchen or bathroom it will bother her alot, where as her messes dont bother me that much and I will clear it away without a second thought.

Over time, my standard of clean does not meet hers and she becomes resentful to the point where she feels she has to remind me of what im missing or neglecting. She also complains she rarely receives compliments, which is extra important to her as she has poor self-image. She claims she still has the majority of the mental load and MUST clean the house on her days off. I believe she should prioritise her own interests and health and not be so obsessive on how clean the house is, but a tidy environment is important for her mental health so I do my best to oblige.

I am not perfect and am genuinely trying my best to meet her needs. Ive also made it clear that I need kindness, affection and gratitude to feel wanted and desired, and actually be treated like a husband when we spend time together, and not reminded about how much I frustrate her.

Are either of us being unreasonable? Is there a compromise we can both find? All my friends and family are concerned about me and dont believe the marriage is worth it but I want to do my very best before making that decision.

Some other info:
We have been married just 2 years and together for 4 and this has been reoccurring
I am neurotypical and she has ADHD and depression
She has poor body image but I think she is gorgeous
I have suggested single and couples therapy but she is reluctant or hostile to that suggestion
We have no kids and never will
Changing jobs is not an option
Yes, we have communicated this to each other many times but our skills in reading each other are not good

My husband and I are in an interracial marriage and I’ve noticed when we come back to my hometown in the U.S men from my background get a kick out of negging me in front of my husband.

Just recently, we went to a restaurant/gaming event to meet with my family and the security guard at the door was purposely giving me a hard time about a seltzer that I tried to throw away. Before I could even throw the can away, he quickly grabbed it out of my hand and smelled what was in it. His first comment to me after he took the can was flirty, but when I didn’t meet his comment with a smile, the interaction quickly turned aggressive with him lecturing me and threatening to give me a fine.

This doesn’t usually happen when I’m by myself. Men from my background usually are a lot kinder if they’re giving me a compliment, but when my husband is present it’s almost like they’re trying to embarrass me, make me feel like I’m doing something wrong, or like I’m stupid.

Does this happen to anyone else?

Helllo, I want to get some advice on this situation. I’ve already formed my own opinions. However, a second opinion wouldn’t hurt just so I don’t think I’m crazy.

Whenever my husband, and I fight or have conflict he resorts to name-calling . Coming from an abusive household, I tolerated this for many years however tonight I just had enough. while we dated and dealt with conflict, I agree we both did not deal with it in the best way however, as I got older and we got married I realized that I don’t want to be nasty, and fight with my partner like this for the rest of my life I actually want to work things out and communicate during arguments. However, my husband does not have the same mindset. He thinks that I start all the arguments because I address my concerns and yes, I may be snarky and annoyed when I address them however, I respect him the entire time I do not belittle him or call him names. I may something like “are you f-ing serious right now” or whatever and he thinks im trying to attack him but many times im not im genuinely asking him whats his problem or why is he doing something and he gets triggered and the name calling starts. Im genuinely trying to communicate and understand why he may be doing it and de-escalate because if i know then i can understand better. He thinks im attacking him. Ive also told him all of this that i am never trying tl hurt him i would never attack him and he should know that based on my character. But he said he will keep doing it. There are times he said he would stop but he obviously doesn’t. I understand its a coping mechanism to immediately get ur guard up and cuss me out and try to hurt my feelings so he feels like he won or something. He’s even said he doesnt like talking to me this way but he has to, and if I come at him with respect he will be nice back. Im obviously going to be snarky when im upset but i make sure i dont swear and still remain respectful.

and, if we plan on spending the rest of our life with each other, we should be able to handle conflict in a healthy way. I feel like being snarky and showing some attitude is not a wrong way to feel mad or annoyed however, he thinks I have a tone, and therefore, I deserve to be called “a stupid f****** b****, among other things.

His philosophy is if someone comes at him with attitude he will come 10 times harder because he wants to make that person cry doesn’t matter who it is. I honestly want to believe that once we got married, he would change and just grow up and when we are not in conflict and just during every day relationship or relationship goes pretty well however I do understand that just because a person treats me fine when we’re OK does not justify him calling me names during an argument, and that does not mean he respects me.

At the moment we are living separately, but I just wanted to get some other opinions.

Everyone thinks it's wrong I yell at him on lives sometimes. Ok alot. He loves being bossed around.He tells dumb dad jokes and he forgets important stuff. He gets camera tickets for speeding all the frickin time. He can't load the dishwasher right.

HE does a lot for me I would be screwed if he left but at the same time he does it really sloppy. He forgets groceries in the car. He laughs and says yes sir Sargent sir when I boss him around or he goes somewhere.i think he is hiding stuff to make me. Look stupid. He said he is definitely not doing that.

He keeps going camping at his cabin and staying up there working remotely.i need help editing my content. He wants me to stop telling our business. He is private. I am open. He doesn't get it. Alot of my viewers are concerned about him. I did a video telling everyone we are great and tried to be lovey dovey with him. He just rolled his eyes the whole time.

I (32F) have been with my partner (49M) for six years. We are not married but I would appreciate this sub’s thoughts on my situation. I don’t enter into a committed partnership lightly, and although I likely will not legally marry, I want a lifetime partner, which is what I have considered this relationship to be.

I have had waves of doubt about my relationship for the last three years. I’ve just felt like it’s not where I am meant to be. Like a powerful, crushing gut feeling. I want so badly for this feeling to go away but it has always come back. (I am 100% sure there are no stray hearts and no cheating on either end. He has given me his phone password from the start, never flinches if I pick it up, and is just a highly loyal breed. True of heart.)

He has two grown children (18 and 22) from two previous marriages that live with us. We have all lived together for four years (I moved in with him and his kids when we had been together for two years). I love them and we have a great relationship. I think I am understood to be a supportive figure and family, but not a surrogate or step mother. I’ve been there with them through their teen years.

Our relationship has no red flags or toxic behaviors. We have our issues and spats and personality differences like any couple, and we have worked through a lot and understand each other well. It feels like such a good thing to throw away, and so much love to throw away, yet I feel like it’s unavoidable and I can’t continue feeling and living this way. Something is wrong enough that I can’t shake it despite reading books, communicating my needs, and working through some recurring relationship dynamics.

What I see as our key differences that are hard for me to get past:

• He’s a tinkerer, and I’m a thinker. I feel intellectually lonely sometimes.
• I want to contribute to the world and my community in a meaningful way. He wants to find as much enjoyment in life as he can and is not concerned about contribution in the way I am. I live in “The” world, and he lives in “his” world.
• We laugh at some of the same things, and he makes me laugh here and there, but by and large I think our sense of humor is pretty different. Might sound trivial but I want to laugh more with my life partner. Probably partly generational.

He is my person and I’m terrified of life without him. I would have to leave behind his kids (I can’t imagine maintaining those relationships if we broke up and wonder if they would hate me or even want to, and also wonder if I would be capable of it).

I’m just having such a hard time accepting this potential reality and don’t know what to do. There’s no piece of paper, but our lives are merged and kids (now technically adults) are involved. I’d love to hear your advice, and also want to know whether your assessment, thoughts, or advice would be different if we were legally married instead of in a committed partnership. TIA.

Wife and I have gone through some stuff the last couple of days. We had a boundary that we will not go to any bars or clubs. She's going back home to Texas and told me that she is going to bars and buying all of these revealing clothes. I feel upset about the changing of the boundary. Because I have denied many invites to the bar due to the respect of this boundary. I'm confused how to feel because I'm upset and she is saying that we have the right to change the boundaries. Which is true but I never agreed to it. I'm just confused on how to navigate this.

Tired of being the planner for everyone... 42f in a relationship (4yrs) with a 41m and 2 kids from previous to him. I love travel and adventure, although I haven't been able to as much as I would have liked as I ended up a single mom raising my kids without much financial help previous to our relationship. But.. I have been lucky to have been able to do some. Now my problem is I'm always the one to do all of the leg work, all of the planning and ideas come from me, even before my relationship when traveling with family it was mostly me.. And if I didn't, well the trips would not have been as great as they were. I traveled with family and found that I wasn't offered much help with the chores (and even one trip not offered any help to clean or cook or help with the kids) , just because I'm the mom on the trip doesn't mean I want to have to do it all and take care of everyone... I'm done.. One kid is now an adult... Now with my other half, I've noticed he likes to sit back and let others do the leg work for him on many areas in life while he surfs stupid nonsense on Facebook. I barely have time for that as I'm working full time, a mom, a cook, a housemaid, we have pets too...yes he helps with simple chores but anything slightly complex is always on me. We have a trip in 2025 coming up and I've tried to get him involved in the planning but he won't unless I bring it up in an annoyed tone...the others on the trip haven't been much help either. And now I hear so many bad reviews from this place and normally I'm super excited to travel but this time I'm sort of dreading it... Fearing that we may get deathly ill and the beach and pools will be disgusting and trashy... This upcoming trip was not our choice but initially I was excited anyway...(our first kid free adventure!) So wish us luck, I'm not going to plan too much extra with this trip. My other half has talked about a few places that he really wants to travel to and I'm all for joining him on a trip to where he wants to go but I'm putting my foot down, I will not be the one to plan it. If he doesn't put forth the effort to plan one in the future then I guess we won't go, and I'll just keep saving for the trip of my dreams, my choice if I'm putting in the work and time for it. He hasn't even surprised me with a date in the longest time, he thinks grabbing to go food is enough I guess....but that's a whole other story! I guess I'm at a stage in life especially where I am just tired of taking care of everything and everyone and it not being appreciated or noticed. Needed to vent. Thanks for listening.

Okay I (29F) am going get straight to the point

Is it just me or have you ever felt that your spouse is having emotionless sex with you on some occasions?

Like whenever we giggity it’s usually full of emotions. Yesterday man was drunk and annoyed Cz of work. We had a 2min foreplay and tbh idk we got into it? Honestly idk how but I felt it was emotionless. Like I could draw a line between emotion filled giggity and an emotionless one.

Is this normal? And what’s your experience on realising that some giggity is emotionless while some is filled with emotions. What would you do?

Do you feel frequent masturbating alone is healthy for a marriage?

Wife and I get home from work and like clockwork after dinner and even during dinner on the phone from 6-9pm then she goes to sleep. Any conversation we have I get zero eye contact, just starting at her phone looking at mindless crap or texting. I almost went off tonight. Just venting.

About a year ago, a guy at my husband’s job was into breeding Frenchies. He basically talked it up to my husband, and for months after that, my husband was after me to buy a dog and breed it out. I was 100% against it. Did NOT want a puppy, did not want MORE responsibility put on me, and do not like the idea of contributing to the overgrowth of dog population. He let it go for a while, but then the friend was going on a trip. He never sold any of the puppies from the recent litter, and he needed dog sitters, so my husband and I agreed to watch one for a week when they were in another state. The dog instantly loved me, and I really liked the dog, but I still had no intention of adopting it because for one, I thought they had decided to keep all of their dogs vs “not being able to sell them,” and I also said before that I didn’t want another dog right now because the responsibility of raising children and dogs is always on me. Well, would you know it? After we dog sat for that week the guy then offered to sell it to my husband for $1800 (he originally wanted like $5K… another reason I said NOPE). So my husband kept hounding me about it again. I finally said, “I already told you how I feel. I don’t want another dog, so you’re going to have to make that decision.” Do you think he listened to me? Of course not. He bought the fucking dog, and like I’ve predicted, I am the one who feeds it, walks it, grooms it, gets its shots, etc. Well, I don’t know if it’s a Frenchie thing but this dog throws up every fucking day, and no, I’m not exaggerating. He chews on toys or whatever else and he ends up gagging himself with it and throws up, so I’m constantly cleaning puke. He also had a very bad problem with marking because he pees on EVERYTHING. I have since corrected the issue as far as house training, he’s 100% house trained, and he hasn’t marked in months. I thought we were done. The worst thing he did was pee on my 6-month-old couch that is white and left a permanent, very noticeable stain. It’s OF COURSE the spot where I sit. 😡 Tonight, I was sitting down for the first time and I smelled… something after I unfolded a blanket to curl up in. I smelled the blanket and it was urine. So I got up and put my blanket in the laundry room so it’ll get washed next load. When I came back, I still smelled it, and then I leaned over and the couch smelled like piss again, and sure enough there’s a stain there now. I got so pissed. I paid $3,500 for these couches a year and a couple of months ago, and they’re ruined. When I got mad… I’m an asshole somehow. I got pissed because my feelings are always dismissed. I’m always the bad guy. If the dog was peeing on his side of the bed, I doubt he’d like it, but if the dog pees on my couch where I sit, I’m an asshole because I don’t like it. He’s calling me a “victim” which really pisses me off because it feels again like I’m invalidated and being dismissed, and IMO, being the victim would mean that I somehow had something to do with the brine on the couch and then turn around and complain that this is all happening to me, but that’s not the case. The dog pissed on my white couch. Why am I not allowed to be mad? The dog HE brought home that HE doesn’t take care of.

I’m so frustrated with him I could scream.

My husband (m28) and I (f23) have been married for 2 years. He’s incredibly funny and has a certain calmness that compliments my wild side. I love him. But when anything even slightly inconvenient to him comes up he turns into someone I don’t know. I am not perfect by any means but when my husband is angry I don’t know who I married. This weekend I think showed me that I don’t know him at all. We’ve been discussing when to have kids and he knows that is something I really want. I have a medical condition that will require us to do IVF so I wanted to start that in 2025. We were in a discussion and he said, “I don’t know if I can be a husband AND a father,”. I said “well, why do you think that? At the end of the day I can be happy with just you but you have been talking about this and you’ve been super supportive and excited. I feel like you led me on.” He immediately snapped. He started screaming at me which led to him saying he didn’t care about having a strong relationship with me or if we were married or not. I sobbed and begged him not to treat me that way and he tried to leave and take our dog. I begged him not to take my dog and he told me to move and shoved me. The situation deescalated and he told me he didn’t mean any of that and when he’s mad he talks recklessly. I told him if he loved me he would go to counseling or therapy and he refused and said it was a waste of time. I brought it up the next day and he said the same thing. Now if you had ever met my husband you would absolutely not believe me because he is truly the most amazing person in the world unless he is angry … and he gets angry at me every time I have an emotion that isn’t favorable to him. I also have stuck by him through so many things and when he is inconvenienced he is very quick to threaten to throw in the towel. But it’s so confusing because he literally would say how high if I asked him to jump. I know he loves me. I don’t get it. I don’t want to lose him or what we have over this anger issue. I have horrible anxiety and actually had a seizure due to a panic attack 1.5 years ago. He stayed by my side while I battled that mental illness and won. I want to support him and help make him a better man. Am I beating a dead horse? Can I fix this or are my hopes delusion? I love him more than anything in the entire world. I’m sorry this is all over the place. I hope someone understands it at least a bit and can offer me some advice.

Thank you.

How many times of divorce threats from your partner did you experience before things either improved or ended? There have been minor ones and very specific and angry ones, but all of them never end with anything, especially if I start to go along with it. I've begged for couples therapy but after 3 sessions my spouse quit, saying it was making them want to use weed more (they're trying to quit that, or have...idk).

My partner and their family are from India, and their parents live with us in the US (at least they did? it was always going to be short-ish term). Trying to keep it gender neutral to not bias anything.

After the most recent fight, they ranted to their parents (with our kid in the next room) about how done they were with me and how terrible I was. I've repeatedly asked for no divorce threats unless they mean it, and for the love of god keep the parents out of it. There was a similar incident last year and I was really pissed they did that. Their mom tried to intervene again this time when she heard us fighting, and got upset that I had to draw a boundary at not being comfortable with that and leaving the situation. She was very insistent on the "elders know best" sort of thing. Nobody really talked for a day or so. I'm socially anxious in certain situations and hate conflict, so at this point I feel unwelcome in my own home.

They've now booked a last minute flight back to India in a few days, with my spouse paying for it, which ended up being almost $4000 because, well, it's a last minute international flight... I'm super pissed that they did that without saying anything to me (it was even discussed in front of me) and I'm lost honestly - everyone is upset with me and I'm upset with them, and I don't know if this is salvageable. I realize a lot of context is missing, which I'd be happy to provide - I'm just trying to not make this a novel haha.

If you were single, what are some of the things that you would do/would've done before getting married if there are any? I know I'm going to meet my person soon, so I want to do things like travel (not saying I can't travel when I meet him, but I'd like to experience it as a singe person). Sorry if this doesn't make any sense, just want your opinions.

My fiancé and I have decided to wait until after we are married to move in together. I don't wish to go into great detail, but we both have our reasons for making this decision!

Recently I've been thinking about getting legally married and just sharing it with our close friends and family so that we can live together before the wedding. We see each other most of the week and basically already live together, just without my name on the lease. It is just getting annoying having to wedding plan together ONLY when we find the time and scheduling social events is difficult to do separately. I would like to come straight home to him after work and cook dinner together every night and not just on the weekends. Then, the nights that I sleep by myself are so lonely and I'm so cold without my heater next to me. (We live and hour away from each other)

Has anyone done this and have any advice for how it affected you?

WithOUT telling me that I should move in with him before getting married, please share opinions on making this decision

PS: I do not want to hear about the reason why I "shouldn't marry someone I haven't lived with", please. I have heard every warning. Please be respectful and don't scold me for my decision. Thank you!!

Husband and I are always so busy with kids and things after we both get home from work. Would love to get spicy before 11 pm, especially when we both get up at 6 am for work.

Just curious what time people find they’re most intimate with their partner?

I really don’t know what to do. My husband and I are coming on our 2 year anniversary. I love him with everything in me. But his sex drive is so low and claims that he’s tired of initiating sex. So what does any partner do, i show up. I started initiating sex more and I’m turned down every single time. It’s “oh I have work” “oh I’m tired” “read the room”. When I bring it up as a concern it turns into an argument. I literally don’t know how to approach this. We start counseling soon but I’m just at a loss of what to do. It hurts since I feel like he doesn’t find me attractive and obviously the feeling of rejection hurts too. Does anyone have any advice. He doesn’t want to schedule sex bc he wants it to be authentic but it just doesn’t happen authentically. It’s turning into a now I feel like he just doesn’t care. I caught him looking at porn and it’s just like what am I doing wrong…

I see this question pop up occasionally. Honestly, it’s whatever works for you and your spouse. Some couples might be satisfied with once a week, while others once a day.

Important thing is both communicate needs and desires, and try to fill each others love cups as much as possible!

Here is how personally sex is for me and my wife. Each cell represents the number of days we’ve had sex, over 5 days. The number far right is the total number of times for the given month.

While I understand the need to see how your partner lives before you marry them, I admire the value in waiting until marriage to live together

You don't necessarily need to live in the same house to know how they go about their life, especially if you see them very frequently

I would like to hear the reasoning behind making this decision, as I have debated going that route myself!

Why or why not? Any particular turn-ons on turn-offs?

I’ve tried to explain to my husband that sexual tension builds up by how a man and woman interact with each other up until that point. Flirting, being affectionate, etc throughout the day. I know he’s capable of it because he flirted with me ALL the time when we were dating, and sex was so much better.

Idk how else to explain to him that he can’t treat me like a roommate all day and then I’m supposed to all of a sudden be super turned on by the time we go to bed.

Edit: sorry, it says a break but we like categorically broke up for 4 months, it wasnt a break. We decided to get back together after calling it a break up. I just meant there was a several month break in our exclusivity and when we broke up, there wasnt intentions to put anything on hold

I only know this because Im a POS that snooped. Although, he stopped talking to me as much and I had suspicion. Idk what to do. It was a year ago and now I just feel regret about it all. I snooped a bit further and she scapegoated me to all her friends about the real reasons we broke up last year.

Anyways we got back together and then got married. Turns out she told A LOT of lies to get us back to where we are now. I feel deeply saddened and want out but feel bad because Im codependent.

Im feeling like I cant spend my life with her but almost feel compelled to try therapy

My husband recently had to change his diet due to health issues. So 1 year ago he went dairy and gluten free. He also doesn't eat onions or garlic now. I have been more than accomodating. I cook him dinner every night, sometimes I cook 2 different dinners as the kids like some of their regular food that he can't have. I buy fancy gluten free food, I look up recipes, I check for milk in all ingredient lists, I found special protein powder he could have, I learned to bake gluten free cookies and pies, for Christmas parties I call the restaurant ahead to find out what gluten and dairy free options will be available. It's a lot of work but he enjoys food and I want him to have options. I have many food allergies and intolerances as well so I understand being careful. I can't have mango, spinach, bread, sauces with xanthan gum or brown rice. Any of those and I'm in agony. I tripe check everything for him. Even at restaurants he's too embarassed to ask so I have to ask for him if there is butter on the veggies etc. to make sure he doesn't eat something that makes him sick later.

Tonight we were out shopping and he said he would grab us each a burrito bowl to eat for dinner. I started to remind him of all the things I cannot have and to ask for modified order if needed and he acted annoyed that I said it, and "I know". I met up with him after he had got the food and we were talking and eating in the car together between stores. Suddenly my stomach started hurting so badly, sharp stabbing pains. I put the food down in agony and looked at it. I asked him if the rice was brown as he knows Brown rice causes me immense stomach and GI pain ( I have sibo). He said no it was white. I took another small bite paying close attention and that's when I realized it was probably brown as it was a bit more firm than white usually is. I told him it was brown. I pushed the food away, not eating anymore. I asked him why he didn't ask at the take out place if it was white or brown as he watched them make it to order. He shrugged and said he "assumed" it was white because it looked like it from what he could see and the other burrito store across town always has white. I just can't believe he was so careless with my health. I had to stop shopping because my stomach pain is so bad. I am burping and farting excessively and have extreme stomach pain right now. I will probably vomit soon. I look 9 months pregnant because my stomach has bloated up so fast. I won't be able to sleep tonight from the pain. ......and his response is to just shrug and say he assumed it was white? And the stupid burrito bowl was $20 and I only ended up eating less than half of it before I had to throw it out.

I am upset with him but he thinks I'm making a big deal about it and it wasn't his fault. Funny enough when he eats something by mistake he lives in the bathroom for the night in-between lying on the couch moaning and moaning. But he just said to me "so I take it you won't be getting the kids ready for school at 7 am tomorrow?" in a very annoyed tone.....because he knows I'm in pain and won't get any sleep tonight so he will have to do it. Why would he say it like that? He is completely devoid of empathy or remorse. When I told him that he shrugged. "I said I was sorry". And walked off.

So now I'm lying here in agony feeling like my husband is a selfish dick who doesn't really care about me at all.

I am from a different country but married to an American man. While we have some cultural and belief differences, nothing too extreme, I’ve always loved him deeply. However, I’ve come to the painful and bitter realization that this love may not be mutual. My husband frequently mocks my body, and while some might dismiss it as childish, it genuinely hurts me. I’ve asked him repeatedly to stop, but he doesn’t.

Right now, I’m dealing with health issues, including prolonged periods that have lasted for two months, (I’m currently seeing a doctor). Every time I complain about something he has done to me; he will say that I am just being hormonal because of my period.

Every argument we have is blamed on my health, as if my feelings aren’t valid. A week ago, he went as far as suggesting that my health problems might stem from incest in my family. Hearing this from someone I love was devastating, and my family has noticed how poorly he treats me. I feel humiliated.

On Thanksgiving, he called my 15-month-old niece bipolar and said she needed braces—even though she only has four teeth! He said it in front of her parents and they were saddened by this comment. When I confronted him, he dismissed my concerns, claiming that this kind of behavior is just how Americans are and that my family and I are overly sensitive because of our upbringing. In my culture we are taught to, never make such cruel remarks about someone’s child or mock others for things they cannot change. I believe this is not about culture, ethnicity, or nationality—it’s about basic decency and respect.

He insists that his American friends would laugh if he made such jokes about their children, and he constantly defends his actions by saying he has a “dark sense of humor” that I simply don’t understand. But this isn’t humor to me—it’s hurtful, and I feel increasingly lost and disrespected in this relationship.

My wife and I have been married over 12 years. We have three kids. We have a great relationship but like many couples, we don't make enough time to spend together 1 on 1 (my wife also works nights three times a week, which doesn't help).

Sure, we watch TV/movies together a couple of times a week but within a couple of hours one of us is sleeping. We like to do puzzles at home too, but also, just staying home all the time starts to feel monotonous. We talk about how we should really go out, but something is always in the way.

This past weekend I said screw it, enough is enough. I found someone we know and trust to babysit, went onto Groupon, and took my wife ax throwing! It was such a blast. Even though we were only gone for two hours, it was so refreshing to go have some honest to God fun like we did when we were so much younger, and those two hours reminded us that even though we spend so much time dealing with life's challenges, we can still make each other laugh like rowdy teenagers.

So no more excuses, even if it's some local, kitchy, two hour activity, take your spouse on a date!

I (31M) have been with my now wife (29F) for about 9 years (married 6 months), 0 kids.

During this time we’ve had a few issues e.g. poor communication where if issues arose we would bottle up and not deal with them and running into the “roommate” phase once or twice.

Recently (12+ months ago) she had a weight loss surgery (for health reasons) and has lost a lot of weight since then.

She started a new job about 3-4 weeks ago and her new work colleagues have been giving her a lot of attention and compliments on her appearance (she is very self conscious). After this she said she would love it if I gave her more compliments and me being stupid didn’t say anything for 3 weeks, which leads up to now.

Recently she was being a bit distant from me and when I asked why she burst out into tears saying she thinks she is falling out of love with me, this broke my heart and when I asked her she said the last month or two.

I asked her if she wanted to give up or if we can make it work and she said February is all the time she will give it to try and make it work again because we’ve had issues in the past and I will say I try but inevitably fall back into old habits.

A day or two later I asked her if she was feeling this way for a while, why she only told me now and what provoked it, if there was someone else she is seeing or wants to see and she said no.

She has been very adamant over the last 9 years that if she wanted to cheat, she would just leave me which I totally believe, but the timing is funny and I can’t get that thought out of the back of my mind.

Since that day, we’ve been communicating more openly to try and get to the bottom of the issues and the jist of why she’s falling out of love with me are:

• I don’t show enough affection
• We don’t go on any dates
• I am always “meh” (when I asked about this, she meant I am indecisive e.g when asked if I would prefer A or B for dinner my goto is always “I don’t mind”)

All her points are perfectly valid and I was a bit taken back that I didn’t even notice them.

She has said she wants to try dating each other again, by this she means trying it fresh: no sleeping in the same bed, no I love you, no sex, not calling her my wife or my love, only things people on a normal date would do and we go through the process again to earn it back.

We have a holiday coming up in 2 days (cruise for 2 weeks), that I’m hoping will breathe some life into us and I want to keep trying when we get back so we don’t fall back into the old ways.

I genuinely believe she wants to make this work, we spoke last night in bed and she said she still loves me with all her heart but isn’t in-love with me which crushed me.

Since she told me I haven’t been able to sleep and I can barely eat.

My question is, has anyone been in a similar situation and has come back from it? Or am I going insane reading into something that isn’t going to happen?

We have a date tonight, I’m going to go buy her flowers and knock on our front door and ask if she wants to go on a date with me, we’re going to dinner, walk through a botanical garden and finally go on the local Ferris wheel that she wanted to go on when we walked past it previously (she knows we’re going out but not the specifics)

We’re both 20 We have a son together 4months. From the start I had problems with his family and he had a hard time prioritizing me. He eventually started to see that his family was in the wrong and took my side. I am grateful that he chooses me. however his mother enabled his lies and not being able to take accountability for seriously ANYTHING. Babe did you send an email to your boss? yes babe I did. (He didn’t) then when I get mad at him for lying he thinks that it’s not a big deal or I should give him time to break these “habits”. I just feel like you don’t need time to be an honest person . I just tell him being honest and taking accountability is a choice. So another big issue is that months before we got married he had a “friend” that is a girl we’ll call her Gretchen . So Gretchen asked my husband to make plans. And I was okay with it because I don’t see the problem. But then the plans were cancelled. I told him I wasn’t comfortable about this girl because she wants him to pick her up and I found out that they have never hung out before since middle school. We’re 20. So he was okay with that. Then I found out through their texts that they used to have a thing for each other less a year before. I brought it up to him and let him know he’s basically cheating. He didn’t see it as that and said that he just forgot to let me know. I told him you can’t just forget something like that. However he continue to play it off as something completely innocent. So I believed him. (I Know I’m dumb) he said he would change and he actually seemed like he was trying. Months later he had a drill weekend with the guard and he told me they had to practice swimming and blah blah blah. I thought this would be uniformed and organized considering it for their work. I found out later that they were on a personal boat and found pictures of them drinking and having a blast in civilian clothes. He told me didn’t think it would be a problem. He also lies about other small things in the military after we were married. I gave him an ultimatum and it’s that he has to use his underlying medical condition (will not mention what it is) to get medically discharged because I will no longer support his job in the guard. I’m not a jealous person but he made me feel this way. I was very trusting and let him do the things he wanted because it’s also how I want to live my life. He has A new job from my dad with the police. Considering my ex brother in law also works there and he cheated on my sister there. I still told him I’d give him a fresh start with that job and that I we ll give him the benefit of the doubt and let him attend events work occasions without any issues.

He recently admitted to me and explained everything to me . He admitted that he kept Gretchen in his life because he didn’t know if we’d work out or not yet and we were still fresh in the relationship. And admitted how wrong it was. He admitted that he didn’t always prioritize me but now wants to be a family and wants to make things better.

He’s a good dad.. he does everything around the house whenever he’s home. He doesn’t complain he just does things. He loves to cook for me. He loves to help me. He massages me. He lets me sleep in without even trying to wake me up. And these are the things that lead be to believe that he does love me. He has worked on other problems such as prioritizing me over his mother father and siblings. He is willing to leave the guard for me. But I still can’t figure out what the right decision may be. But maybe he just needs to work on being more honest? We got married a couple months before we were a year into our relationship. We are still fresh if you think about it. We got married to make things easy for our son. But I don’t know what to do anymore. I know this all happened so fast. But should I be less harsh because it happened so fast and he’s trying or should I just leave him.

My point is we’re married now. It seems like He’s trying to do everything to make it work. I have no idea what I should do.

Edit: My intent here was not to make my wife (or ex wife I guess) feel even worse if she ever stumbles across this post. Rather, if she does come across it for it to provide some constructive insight as to what happened.

I had no intention of making this post if I wasn’t going to include my own mistakes. I included the part about the drywall because a) it’s the right thing to do and not doing so would make this very one sided, and b) when I screw up, I learn from it.

Hey guys. When my wife and I got together, I never thought I would find myself posting here. My wife (31f) and I (32m) have been together for three years. Less than a year in, we got pregnant and had twins, and even sitting where I am today, that’s the one thing I wouldn’t change. The most positive takeaway from this experience is that I truly enjoy being a dad and I’m going to continue being an awesome dad no matter what happens between my wife and I. Shortly after the twins arrived, my wife was diagnosed with a rare form of blood cancer and twins notwithstanding, is an impossible reality for anyone to grapple with. Adding to all of this, we had zero help with the twins, no “village” so to speak, and I occasionally had to travel for work which didn’t help matters. Adding to all of this, we live in the middle of nowhere so she had felt very isolated since we got together. I always tried to check all of the kids/house/work/my wife has fucking cancer?! boxes but there’s no denying that in the midst of all of this I fell short in a lot of those categories. Having said that, I was always faithful. I was never abusive or hateful. I bought a nice 3rd row SUV that I could barely afford so that she’d have a reliable vehicle to drive around in that she was proud of. I’m the GM of a contracting firm and my boss even put her on payroll so she could work from home 100%. I really wanted our family to succeed since neither one of us came from money. I had worked hard to escape poverty and having a family to share my modest success with was THE American dream.

But over time she began to resent me for my work and told me she didn’t want to be a “housewife” and from her perspective I was “living my best life” even though the reality was the opposite. I didn’t want her to be a housewife any more than she did, and I was far from living my best life (besides, the whole “traditional” wife thing makes me want to vomit). Her independence was one of the things I loved about her. Following the diagnosis she became more distant from me and increasingly agitated, which was understandable. We had a lot of good days, but an increasing number of bad ones. Eventually she started going to raves, which I was 100% supportive of in the beginning. I’d watch the kids while she drove 2 hours to Atlanta to go to shows. This was, in my mind, a positive thing but it ended up becoming a fixation that further widened the rift that had grown between us - (raves + rave friends + molly) = happiness vs (me + tiny house + rural Georgia) = shitty reality. Her perception of me took a nosedive. We suddenly didn’t have anything in common anymore. I wasn’t on “her level.” Fights went from bad to catastrophic resulting in me leaving to avoid further escalation or her frantically packing up the kids and going to her friend’s house who she had met at a show. Her friend (27f I think? Not sure of the exact age) has no kids, lives in a nice house in a larger city, and likes to party, so the grass was definitely greener. Before things really took a turn, she knew she was going overboard with it, so she would try to head off me saying anything by telling me that I was controlling or didn’t want her to have friends, or that I was “against everything she stood for” even though I’d only ever been supportive. I genuinely believe that she convinced herself of this. She had lost a lot of weight recently due to the chemo and even though she was more confident, she wanted even less to do with me. She would ignore my advances for weeks, and then tell me I wasn’t paying enough attention to her sexually. There was no right answer here.

The chemo was working and the cancer was in remission. The twins were reliably sleeping through the night and another raise was imminent. Things were getting better, but we had to stick with it. By now I too had admittedly said some legitimately hurtful things to her when we fought. I was nearing my wit’s end. She would hang onto every mean thing I said while dismissing her own hurtful comments leading up to it. I fucked up one day when we were fighting and I punched not one, but two holes in the drywall after she told me that my presence at home made everyone miserable and the family was better off if I wasn’t there. She knows I would never lay a hand on her or the kids, nor is that behavior typical for me, but during every disagreement or fight that followed she would tell me how inherently violent I was and how all men suck. When I approached her about this she would respond saying “if I’m so terrible why don’t you just leave me.” I tried to reinforce the fact that we had kids and if nothing else they were worth fighting for, and she would just tell me “I don’t want child support. I promise I won’t ask you for child support” even though child support wasn’t the issue - I just didn’t want our kids to grow up in a broken home.

The day after a particularly nasty fight she tells me that she doesn’t want to fight anymore and that was the last time she’d do it. Okay, I’m game? So let’s not fight, but it takes two to make that happen. One day I get home from a meeting out of state and she’s very anxious and distant. She barely even acknowledged me as I walked through the door. She was acting very strange. Once we got the girls to bed, we were watching TV and she tells me that she doesn’t want me to take away her happiness. Um… okay? And that’s when she made the “on my level” comment. She refused to elaborate on that and we feign a somewhat normal conversation until she fell asleep. That comment really made me feel like shit, since even in the midst of the fighting and the animosity that we’d developed towards each other, I was still supportive of whatever she wanted to do. I couldn’t sleep, so I typed out a long-winded text telling her that I wanted all of this to stop and that I want my wife back. At the meeting my boss had brought up my performance at work, which hadn’t been great, and then coming home to hear that I was taking away my wife’s happiness again really sucked, so the tone of my text was admittedly hurtful even if what I was saying was true. I really regret that. She was looking for a “last straw” and I served it to her on a silver platter.

The next morning she reads the text. This obviously starts a big fight and I end up going to a hotel to avoid fighting all day. I felt really bad about this one, because in hindsight we hadn’t really “fought” the night before so the tone seemed really out of context. I should have just left it alone which would have perhaps bought me a few more weeks of “normalcy.” Or at the very least tried to sugarcoat it to come off as less of a dick. She then calls me and tells me that she and the kids are leaving. She had to leave “for her safety” and then cited the drywall incident as the reason for her concerns. I had never laid a finger on her or the kids and she knew that I wouldn’t no matter what she did, so this really sucked to hear.

I spent the next week trying to decide what would be the best approach to try to fix this, but it was already over and I didn’t know it yet. I ended up spending Thanksgiving Day with one of the few remaining friends that I have left, and just tried to make the best of it.

Today, she calls me and tells me that she just doesn’t love me anymore and that we need to do this amicably. It’s officially over. At this point there was no reason for me to continue fighting it since she’d already made up her mind. She said she wouldn’t keep the kids from me or say anything bad about me (thanks, I guess?). I had a doctor’s appointment this morning, and by the time I came home she had already come to get the dog. It’s then that it hit me that it was over. All of it. All of the happiness that we shared. The birth of our children. The obstacles that we’d overcome. It was like it meant nothing. Over the course of 4 months, I had watched our relationship deteriorate and every attempt I made to stop that from happening just made it worse. And I’m fairly certain she’s been seeing someone else, but until I can definitively prove it, I’m not going to dwell on that possibility. This all really sucked, because I really wanted things to work and I was willing to keep trying to work it out.

She’s an incredible woman with big ideas, and before life got in the way we were solid. She’s a great mother no matter her feelings for me, and I’ll die on that hill. As long as I know the kids are safe I have no problem sharing custody. I’ve forced myself into a state of acceptance otherwise I’ll just be depressed and dig myself into a hole that I can’t easily get out of. I’m hoping to have an appointment on the books to see a therapist next week which I maintain is the healthiest way forward.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading about my problems! It feels oddly therapeutic to put them out there in cyberspace. That being said, I sincerely hope I never have to post here again.

Take care everyone.