I’ve wanted to die since I was ¿12? I’ve always felt guilty for it. I’m now a grown adult still wanting to die and still feeling guilty for it.

Unrequited love is so hard to deal with. I’ve been dealing with it my whole life, and it’s starting to get to me. Every single person I fall in love with doesn’t feel the same way. As soon as I become vulnerable and let my guard down is when the other person pulls away and creates an emotional distance.

I’m in therapy trying to get to the bottom of this pattern I get myself into, but no matter what, I always end up falling for someone who was always just using me the whole time. I’m tired of being used and discarded so easily. This is getting so exhausting.

I'm the kind of person who usually keeps everything bottled up until it all becomes too much, and then I explode.

I hadn't felt like this in a long time, but the dark thoughts have come back, and right now I can't even stand the idea of eating. Being at home only makes it worse.

Things have gotten so bad lately that I've been seriously considering drastic measures again, just to make the pain stop.

Even though I really want to live and the thought of feeling this way again terrifies me, I've been thinking that taking at least a week away from home could help my mental health. But for that, I'd need to leave the state I live in—I’m from a state in Mexico and I was considering going to Mexico City for that break.

I feel like I have to do this. I don’t think I can handle another week like this without resorting to extreme actions. But going is beyond my reach. I don’t have a place to stay, and right now I can only afford bus tickets. That sense of helplessness is making things worse.

I haven't been able to rest for days, and therapy isn’t helping.

Sorry if this is hard to understand, but I really need help.

I came back home from school for a few days. I got diagnosed with depression 4 months ago. Took a year to get a diagnosed and treatment but hey, at least I got it. I knew i suffered mentally but would like to think i didn’t. I’ve always been a sad kid growing up. Basically raised my lil sister at the age of 10 and would get blamed for everything she did no matter how hard I tried. I’m 19 btw. I’m on medication for my depression, sertraline and it honestly made me feel better. I was not sad or empty anymore, i wasn’t anxious as much anymore nor was i worrying anymore. My suicidal thoughts were gone and it was nice. September I started CBT and apparently I have PTSD from childhood trauma. It took me a while to understand and I’m still trying to understand because I don’t think it’s PTSD. I think PTSD is for veterans if ppl who have been SA, so yeah. But to help out a bit, i moved from one country to another in North America. My parents are African so I chuck up things to culture. I cried a lot as a child. I felt like I was never able to do something correctly and I’ll pray to God to take me away. I remember once u wrote in this little notepad as my secret diary and I write about how I want to die and i don’t want to feel anymore, I think I was about 9, 10, or 11. One of my brothers found the note and gave it to my mother and she said “if the person wants to kill themselves then they should. It’s not my problem.” Another thing i remember was me and my mother arguing, I would say I was 12 and she turned and told me, “don’t make me start hating you.” This is something I always think about. I only became sadder which made me more empty, which made me feel nothing. I’m always the one making people laugh and I like that bc I don’t want anyone to feel what I’ve felt. I don’t talk to friends about my feelings bc I can’t. So back to therapy, we’re doing CPT (Cognitive Processing Therapy) and we’ve dived into my childhood and what I’ve been through. It’s all focused on my mother. I moved far for school bc I wanted to be away from home. I played extracurricular activities bc I get to stay at school longer. Anyways, back to me coming back for a few days. I had plans and I told my mother about one specific one, I was told “okay” cause I needed her car. Then day before she changes her mind knowing that I’ve already made all the plans. I even cancelled the tickets I booked to get there two-three weeks ago bc I was told I can use it. Idk why but the change of mind made me cry. I cried out of annoyance and from then on I just continued. For the first time in 4 months, I felt suicidal again. I’m sitting here crying and I don’t know why. My there told me I should feel my emotions bc I suppress them and I did the first two times I cried but I can’t now. I don’t want to feel it. I’d rather just fake happy. I just want to go back to school. I’m so tired. You don’t understand. I need to go to sleep. I apologize if this is all over the place.

My mom passed two years ago and I have been sad ever since. The only thing that kept me going was the fact that I married the most wonderful person a year and 6 months after.

I don’t cry as often as before, but I still feel like shit. It feels like a whole in my chest. I know I don’t deliver professionally as I used to, I am sleepy all the time and almost lost all sex drive.

Since I am autistic I am the best at wearing masks and faking it. I just wonder if it does really get better, or if this is my new normality. I am 35, so technically I still have time to enjoy life. But… I am not. My dad is also ill and has been at the hospital for a month and a half now.

Honestly, the only thing that has kept me alive is the fact that my dad still needs me and that I have the greatest husband. Without them, I don’t think I would be trying much anymore. So yes I am grateful for them… it is just that I feel sad on a physical level, if that makes sense. Everything feels heavy, waking up, planning the day, sitting at my desk. It is almost like my skin hurts.

Thanks for reading.

Does it really get better or is there a part of you that always still wants to end it all?

I just want someone to talk to. It has been a long day.

People always say I'm hard on myself. Also you set high standards for yourself I'm in therapy(waited four years to get it UK/NHS). I'm hard on myself because everyone is hard on me.

Had siblings yell at me & blame me for everything today. Say they don't love me & they purposely punish me. What kind of twisted person says that shit!

Being 31 m, with no job,career,skill,higher education, living at home is viewed as pathetic irl & in "family". Online I get blasted into oblivion! I hate having clinical depression, psychosis & generalized anxiety (been in mental health institutions for 6 years).

I try to improve, gym, therapy, walks, library and even trying to join a course & attend workshops etc yets it's never enough. I hardly have any energy & I'm always sick. Like why don't people get it, I'm trying sorry I'm not HE-man or superman, or whatever "man" is supposed to impose.

Halloween is around the corner and anyone that knows me knows I enjoy the holiday. I've always put so much work into family themed costumes and go the extra freaking mile with constructing a lot of it on my own with only a tiny bit of help, if any. Anyways, this year I jdgaf. Let both kids pick their own costume. Husband just bought something in a bag from spirit and here I am not wanting to do a damn thing. I don't care. I don't want to celebrate. I just don't.

However, if I were to give up on the holiday I know it'll be a major red flag to my parents. One that screams I'm not okay. And while I'm not, I also don't want anyone noticing. I know I have to force myself to get out there and figure out some type of costume. But I seriously can't find the strength to do so. After struggling through some homework (yes. I'm an old idiot who shouldn't even bother trying anymore but whatever I'm halfway in the semester) I decided I should take a shower and go to the store. But here I am holding back tears in a towel on my bed. No desire to leave the house after all. This is so damn hard.

Had Covid last year and it was bad, like self isolating in the basement for almost a month bad. Got it again last week and it was better: one absolutely shitty day, and I’m not sick anymore, but still not back energy/stamina wise. Except I’ve passed it on to my elderly mother who I live with. And now I’m dealing with the physical enervation, plus depression and guilt from getting her sick and feeling worthless, plus anger at whatever motherfucker got me sick who couldn’t just stay the fuck home if they were sick, and why do we limit sick days still?! I just want to go to sleep for a month and wake up when my mom is better and I don’t feel like a pathetic waste of space any more

I'm so tired of feeling this way.

whats running in my mind.

is depression real?

am so tired feeling like this please someone cure me am struggling everyday the pain does not stop but painkillers cant numb the pain am sick am ill my brain is rotting and cant stop it, I hate having this trauma I need help please god u need to help me why is this happening to me is it for my sins am sorry for my sins, forgive me please am trying my best am sorry for pain I caused to people through my life choices why is this happening please forgive ur humble sinner please help me me ur humble sinner,only you can save me no mortal can save me, am weak and I neeed ur help.

I hate my self I wish I could die but am weak and do I really mean it as don't want MY CHILDREN TO SUFFER how I suffered ,all I ask for a cuddle but even that to much am not worthy am just waste of space.

mum why oh why am not good enought for you why what did i do i was born and u let me go why was i not worthy of your love, all i want ur love but seems il never have it and i know when you die il cry for you but you cant even face the cold for me, god forbide u sacrafice for me guess giving me away was easier in long run yet am crying wanting you so much but just cant have mother love, guess i was born to suffer so be it.

I had a wonderful weekend with my bud, not even a shadow of worry. We watched some stuff, cuddled ourselves to sleep, enjoyed a chill afternoon chatting. I was so glad to discover I'm not yet dead inside.

But after sleeping in my own bed today I feel drained of any good feelings. This is how I imagine a cocaine hangover to feel like.

My body feels weak all the time, I have to push myself hard to do things because I only want to stand still and do nothing.
I can't really enjoy food as much anymore which was my one passion, and I can barely enjoy music which was my escapism tool.
I live in a small town which is about ~1:30h away from the urban centre where all my few friends live.(And they are busy with their own lives).
The only good thing in this depression ship is I don't have a sexdrive anymore (I can still enjoy when it's good, I just don't long for it). I barely even masturbate anymore.
I also stopped using weed years ago because it got me sad when smoking.

Eu tive um final de semana maravilhoso com meu miguxo, sem nem uma sobra de preocupação. Nós assistimos uns bagulhas, dormimos de conchinha, aproveitamos uma tarde tranquila conversando. Estava tão satisfeita de descobrir que ainda não morri por dentro.

Mas depois de dormir na minha cama hoje eu me sinto drenada de toda energia positiva. É assim que eu imagino a sensação de uma ressaca de cocaína.

Sinto meu corpo fraco o tempo todo e tenho que me empurrar duro pra fazer as coisas porquê tudo que eu quero é ficar parada e fazer nada.
Eu não consigo realmente aproveitar mais comida como antes, costumava ser minha paixão, eu mal consigo aproveitar música que era minha ferramenta de escapismo.
Eu moro ~1:30h de Sampa onde todos minhas poucas amizades moram. (E elus estão ocupades com as próprias vidas).
A única coisa boa nessa erda é que não tenho mais desejo xesual (ainda consigo aproveitar quando é bem feito, só não anseio por isso). Quase nem me masturbo mais.
Também parei com maconha faz anos porquê me deixava triste quando fumava.

The therapy session last Monday went well yet the aftereffects, are well, hitting me. I'm feeling extremely depressed &more anxious.

Too add, waiting on blood tests results. The results where supposed to be ready on Tuesday. When I phone I was told they'll be ready on Wednesday, phoned on the day to be told it'll be ready in the next day. Happened till Friday, only to be told that they're not ready... This situation has made me feel extremely depressed, stressed, anxious & feeling doomed.

Nothing ever goes right in my life. My life has been crap & seems to get worse. I'll have a little positive only to be hit with a major negative after.

Also been diagnosed with autism and feeling crap about it. Explains some stuff about me. Why I'm still at home & not advancing in life. Just feel so defective & broken. Feel like I'm going to die or health get worse.

I need some beautiful humans, depressed to the Max I'm depressed, confused and brsin fogged. My long term anxiety, depression, and somatization are killing me in the last 2-3 months. I'm in decline, I resigned from my job I isolated myself from freinds and families, not because I want to, but there is a power stronger than me that I can't resist now ... What's more, my medicine is out of stock since 2 weeks and so a further decline. Didn't leave home in 2 weeks, didn't pick phone calls from freinds and family members, always alone in my room. I'm dysfunctional, god granted me some intelligence and capabilities. I resigned but I'm still getting offers while I'm home not making an effort looking for another job. I get called, schedule interviews, abd skip them. I paid a substantial amount of money to pursue further education and I'm lagging behind already.

I feel I'm being forgotten gradually due to my own isolation. I find it more than difficult to get out and socialize. I'm sensing the danger, I need people to talk to, to socialize with eve if on social media, I need to speak at least from behind a screen to feel I'm still connected and alive I'm unsure if the sub allows but anyone feels like can helps, listen and chat just DM me on my ig H.Alshai5. The story is much more complicated, I have been sleeping for full days, not eating for days and not talking to anyone or doing anything other than scrolling though social media aimlessly. There is so much to say and express.....

So this is new 😂 tired of not having any desire to talk to people in real life so I’m trying this instead of counseling I gusss. Kinda lost and not sure where to start other then I’ve hated life for the past few years and question why I keep waking up so I just go to work and workout on repeat . Did I do this right? 😅

I don't know if it's because it's the same time of year that my ex and I broke up last year. But I'm starting to feel the same way as before. I thought I was past it or made a lot of progress. But I'm starting to look at their pages and I'm thinking about them just living and being happy.. finally realizing how beautiful they are and it hurts that they found that without me. I tried and they never felt love until we broke up and they started "experiencing" other people. They meant so much to me and and I don't feel like I meant anything compared to how I felt or how l'm feeling now. I just don't understand how things could be this way after planning our wedding, and picking baby names.. I can't seem to get over it.

Guess I'm going to start using this as a journal. Car broke down after work last night. I'm not sure if I can afford to fix it without being able to afford my necessities like food. Can't afford another car. It's October which is my favorite time of year, but I can't get happy. Hardly anything makes me feel happy. I can tell I'm getting into a darker spot in my depression. Thank you for reading.

Anyone here have a job you feel is not a contributing factor to your depression? You search one thing on these job board sites, and then that’s all it will suggest, so I’m just seeing the same stuff again and again. And all of it makes me just want to crumple and sink into the earth. I feel hopeless, and it does not help to know I’m not alone. It just makes me sadder to be reminded how common this feeling is. If you are lucky enough to have a job that sufficiently supports your life and doesn’t make you want to end it, then I’m curious to know what it is. If no one so lucky can be reached, then I guess I’ll just keep trudging aimlessly.

Where to start? Turned 30 this year, got divorced after 10 years of marriage with no kids, had to start from the beginning, both my college attempts where unsuccessful. I been to therapy multiple times but had to quit because it became too expensive. Had two attempts in my life. I have two jobs and can't make ends meet. I guess I'm just tired of fighting all the time. I want a mental break and not feel guilty. I have my hobbies but they don't make me happy like it used to. I don't have anywhere else to put my thoughts down which is why I'm making this post. Thank you for your time and reading this.

I energize myself by drinking redbull, I used to drink hot black coffee but had serious addiction and heath issues so I had to quit. Regardless, I eat alot of freid chicken, drink redbull, play loud music and dance around and also do some work that I have to do. I'm not only distracting myself by drinking energy drinks and eating fried chicken but I'm also weakening my heart by living an erratic life. I oversleep whenever I can, which can also damage the heart. By doing all this I'm able to distract myself from the suffering while also damaging my heart so I can die early due to a heart attack. I can tell it's working because sometimes I feel a strong pain in the upper left part of my chest. Keep living, but live so poorly (health wise) that your body gives up on you soon enough. Cheers yall!!!!

Too stupid & slow to learn anything. And buckle under pressure. **I'm going to drop out of my course again this will be the fourth time now. And every year it gets harder & harder. ** Just shows how weak & pathetic I am.

I'm 30(31 nov) no job,career & live at home, health professionals have been pathetic & no longer trust them. I signed up for gym & wont go this week or next.

Also getting EMDR therapy & the traumatic events are at the forefront. I've been on a waiting list to get therapy for four years(four years to damn late). Now I'm getting it & it's crushing me. On top of that my intelligence has diminished & my tolerance too.

Back here again broken & going nowhere. Feel like this might be the end for me.

It’s late, I’m sad, I’m bored, what’s new? Just figured I’d write my thoughts down and maybe someone can relate? Maybe I’m just dumb? I don’t know. (Apologize for the bad grammar and chicken scratch)

• Some Sad Loser

Do you suffer from lower back pain and depression?

Researchers at Johns Hopkins University are seeking individuals with chronic low back pain and co-occurring depression to participate in a research study looking at the effects of psilocybin, a psychoactive substance found in naturally occurring mushrooms. The study will investigate the psychological effects of psilocybin, including whether or not it can help with chronic low back pain and co-occurring depression.

Volunteers must be:

• Between the ages of 21 and 65
• Have low back pain and depression as an ongoing problem (at least 3 months)
• No recent history of alcoholism or drug abuse

Principle Investigator: David B. Yaden, Ph.D.
IRB00385932

https://hopkinspsychedelic.org/backpain

I hate my country. I hate its health system. I health patriotism, I hate injustice. I fucking hate capitalism. My youth is being wasted on worry. Working and worrying and working. Everything is about fucking money. I hate the selfishness of people. I hate religion, the idea of a good god, god does not exist and if it did, it does not give a fuck. Humans are a failure that care, that feel. The evolution is hurting us. We should have stayed apes. Move on and not care, not hurt, not work. Survival is a joke.

I have had depression on/off for 20 years (30f). Last year I had a bad spell in January when I realized I'm sad alot again and I started tracing my mood and Journaling good things in my week to look back on when I feel down. Fast forward to 4 months ago, I thought I saw an inappropriate text on my partners phone (31m; together 4.5 years, live together 3). He showed me the message and I must have imagine it, there was nothing like the text I thought I saw. All summer I felt like I was going crazy, he was being very secretive with his phone, he said he could be with someone who had to go through his phone, I felt like I was broken for not trusting him.

Fast forward to 2 weeks ago, I knew I didn't trust him and accepted the fact he would break up with me, except I found evidence of digital sexting cheating and my world imploded.

I just started a university degree this month, my grandma was diagnosed with cancer she's starting treatment this week, I have debt and a whole slew of normal life stresses going on in the background.

But this last 2 weeks, I have had multiple moments where I wish everyone I knew was dead or forgot who I was so I could just kill myself and no one you be mad at me or angry with me. This mindset really only comes over me for a few hours or maybe a day at a time. I haven't felt this inconsolable in probably 13yrs since I planned an attempt. To be clear I don't have a plan now, it's more like I wish someone would hit me with my car or I'd just drop dead somehow.

It's very scary and I feel like a different person, I don't feel anything like myself, I feel like a human shadow or something. I have been able to get myself back by showering or walking or cooking or something. It's like I float back inside myself from being somewhere foreign though I still knows what's happening to me, I don't black out or anything.

I worked as a paramedic and know stress can cause physical manifestations but this is something new and it's freaking me out. I have AHDH, generalized anxiety disorder and a history of chronic depression with a few actute episodes historically. This is something else, it's despair beyond anything else I've every experienced but it doesn't last consistently. When it's over I feel like the normal sad, depressed, overwhelmed mindset I've been getting deeper into for the last 6+ months.

I have tried researching forms of depression and mania, I don't feel like there's multiples versions or perso aliases, I never loose sense of me it just feel like there is two mental states that sometimes occur simultaneously. I have a psychologist and am going to couples counselling with my partner but I don't want to freak any of them out. I have called the local crisis hotline last night which helped me out of the worst one. I just don't know what to say and to whom that won't just lock me up somewhere.

Thank you for any suggestions 💜

Hi, I'm almost 20 years old. I never feel joy, just less stress and sadness - mostly by eating and watching porn. I can't really remember where it started, I do think that I never knew how I felt (e.g. looked inside) because of the condiotions I lived upon.  I had really not functioning parents, and a violent (to some degree of always feeling terror at home) dad. Socially, I never had real friends, maybe here or there but ended really bad. I remember times I got bully, and I didn't wanna tell my parents. I remember one time my mom tried to help (I don't know if I reported to her, maybe my brother who was in the same school as me) and I only felt worse. Everywhere I go, from army, to martial arts, to my work, I feel lonely.

From the age of 18, while being on therapy because my mom had cancer (and eventually died), I started drug treatment with Cipralex, up to 20 mg which didn't help, then I switched to Fluoxetine, then Effexor, up to about 187.5 mg, which caused me insomnia, then I started Vipax 37.5 along with Serenade, which also caused insomnia. It takes 4 months to get an appointment with the psychiatrist where I live, and I didn't like him that much either so I gave up getting next appointment (I asked him to treat/diagnose my ADHD and he said he don't work on two subject at a time, I might be wrong but that's what I remember, I have good reasons to believe I have ADHD - I'm slow, can't really concentrate, not organized and spend all my time on organazing and more). I am currently without medication for several months, and still have some degree of insomnia. I believe I always had Insomnia, just didn't notice. I feel really bad, for example last week I had some flu for about 3 days, I didn't sleep well during the week and now I feel sick again, pain in my ears and eyes ( That can be probably also due to my frequent use of the laptop). I remember I once went to my familly doctor about the same issue and it seemed that because I have some Psychiatric records - then he kinda said that everything I feel is because of my depression. Anyway, I'm currently looking for a job and it's really bothering me - who will accept me, will I be good, is the pay good, maybe I'm wrong, maybe it's worth looking for more, I don't want to lie that I want to go to work and search while working but it's a good idea, etc. I'm being treated by a clinical psychologist (Second therapist, I moved city) I don't like that much, but he's subsidized. I said to him that we should stop in about two weeks, but I am not sure. I also don't believe I could pay other psychologist that is not subsidized while I earn so little. I'm alone in the world, responsible for myself, I don't function enough (In my opinion). I do look functioning from the outside as I was able to work for a year and a half, I try to get a haircut, take a shower, try to eat well (I don't succeed) and more, but I can't really do all the tasks I have written to myself. I'm also overweight, and have Obstructive Sleep Apnea. Tried to use CPAP but got sleep deprived. I feel that I have so many problems, that I simply cannot even check and know what is true and what is not. And maybe I have OCD, ADHD, PTSD, and more and more. I feel like I was born into a world that doesn't suit me. I always feel so overwhelmed. I don't know if I ever heal.  I thought I'd post on Reddit because maybe the community and sharing will help. Thanks.

I've had trouble for 14 yrs. Ever since I stopped being an alcolic. Now I don't talk to ladies cuz I'm shy. Nd no liquid courage. Nd it's gotten to my self confidence. Nd went into depression nd suicidal thoughts. Any advice