I can't take it anymore. So much crap in my life rn, school, ex that won't stop harassing me(making me more stressed, anxious and depressed. Trauma based therapy is kicking my ass. I just want it all to end. 31 & still living at home, no job, no career no car and no life.

My gym(boxing gym) closed. My running club closed. I've got migraines for the past week. One of my bank accounts got closed with no warning and I had money in there & they won't let me have it.

Posted this in the other main sub but I guess it didn’t get posted. Marked as NSFW because of the content.

I’ve had depressive episodes multiple times over my life, but currently dealing with maybe the worst one to date at the moment. So I feel like I know where I’m at on the scale, relatively speaking, up to a certain point. While I don’t necessarily think I have SI, I haven’t really been able to find as much on this online in terms of personal stories and experiences, it’s mostly just webMD or psych publication speak. I don’t feel like, or really want to talk to people about this type of thing offline.

So I’m curious how you classify that for you? For some context, I’m about a week into my first ever round with zoloft, but havnt taken and antidepressant in a really long time, so I’m just trying to keep an eye on where I’m at, considering the side effects, especially early on really fuck you up sometimes. Thanks in advance for any responses. Mods if I’m breaking any rules let me know and I’ll make any edits needed. Thanks

Hi, everyone. Right now, I'm in a real dark place. I lost my job about a year ago due to no fault of my own, but a miscommunication about the call-in policy. Anyway, that's beside the point. I must mention that before I lost my job, I had been holding steady jobs ever since the birth of my first child, a daughter. I also have a son.

When I first lost my job, I was terrified. I'm also married to my wife. We didn’t know what to do, but for the first couple of months, we were able to borrow money from her family. We miraculously discovered months' worth of food stamps on our son’s and daughter's EBT cards that had accrued like rollover cell phone minutes back in the day. That is what kept us afloat, along with the borrowed money to pay for bills and rent.

What eventually ended up happening was that since both my wife and I were looking for jobs, and my wife happened to land a job first, we decided that my wife would be the main worker in the house. She had been a stay-at-home mom for 6-plus years, so I figured, well, why not? It’s okay, and plus, we desperately needed income.

I was surprised by how difficult it was to even get an interview. I honestly thought that I would find another job within a week. I've mostly worked factory jobs, so that’s what I was focused on doing, but when I wasn’t hearing anything back from employers, I started to get really desperate and applied to places like Taco Bell and the like.

Anyway, so my wife gets a full-time job, and I'm feeling a little weary of it because I’m not used to not bringing in an income. Then there’s the situation with the kids and how someone needs to be at home to watch them when they aren’t in school. The plan was for me to get a part-time job and be the main caretaker of the kids and the house, which I had no problem with because I figured, fuck, I've been busting my ass for 6-plus years working full-time jobs with overtime here and there. Why not just take a break, enjoy spending more time with the kids, and then find a part-time job?

Now here’s the embarrassing part, guys. I haven’t found a part-time job. I mean, I could, but I really haven’t put in the effort because I’m afraid that the only jobs I will get would be humiliating customer service jobs or fast food joints or working as a dishwasher somewhere.

I know that I’ve been super irresponsible, but I also know that my mental health is suffering at an alarming rate. I don’t go anywhere unless it’s with my kids to the store or park when I’m feeling up to it. When my kids are at school, I just sleep in. I barely even clean, and when I do muster up the energy to clean, all of a sudden, I see how trashy the house looks, and I just get even more fed up.

I started drinking again. Although, in the beginning, it was just once a week, after a couple of weeks, I needed to drink twice a week. It even got to the point that I would DoorDash beer while my wife was at work.

I feel useless. Heck, I don’t even want to talk to any of the friends that I used to have because I don’t want to have to bring up the fact that I still haven’t found a job, and it’s been over a year, and I haven’t been trying. The thing is, I have been trying, but I gave up way too quickly.

The whole thing is that my wife works 2 PM to 10 PM, and my kids get on the bus at 7:45 AM Monday through Friday and get dropped off at 2:30 PM. So the hours that I do have to work are like 8:30 AM to 2 PM, and it has been so difficult to find something in that time frame. But I know deep down that I just gave up instead of really trying to find something or even communicating with an employer about my availability to see if they would work with me.

What eats me up the most about my depression is how I let my kids see me mope around the house and lay in bed most of the day. If I can somehow do stuff around the house, I try to do that, but that doesn’t even last long, and I end up just laying back down, watching one of my shows, or scrolling YouTube like a dumb fuck of a father.

I’ve had some terrible thoughts about doing deeds that I don’t even want to mention here. I’m sure it’s obvious what it is. I avoid talking to my family because I don’t want them to know how pathetic I have been.

I mean, come on, one whole year, and I’ve got nothing to show for it. I actually had a plan for how I wanted to use this break, but nothing fucking happened, of course. I was supposed to start a YouTube channel, write a couple of books, make a course, etc.

I actually had a plan for how I wanted to use this break, but nothing happened. There were so many income-generating ideas for a personal business that I know I could’ve succeeded with, but I either didn’t follow through or sabotaged myself along the way.

I’m a decent singer and voice artist, yet I’ve done nothing with this time to put myself out there or create an income. It’s gotten to the point where I avoid my landlord because I don’t want her to know I still don’t have a job. I feel like a complete failure every time I go out in public, like I have nothing to show for myself.

There’s no excuse for why a 36-year-old man is living at home, supported by his wife, with no job. I know that, and it eats at me. I don’t know what to do—or maybe I actually do. I think a lot of my issues stem from being too prideful and beating myself up for not living up to society’s expectations of what I should have accomplished by this age.

My wife, on the other hand, loves her job. She’s a DSP and gets to work with people, and I’ve seen such a positive change in her attitude and enthusiasm. I’m genuinely happy for her, but it also reminds me how much I need to get my act together—and fast. Otherwise, I fear I’ll sink into a hole I can’t climb out of.

I just want to feel like myself again. I want to enjoy life, get out of the house, and meet people. I’m a social guy at heart, and I love conversations and connecting with new people. Not doing that for over a year now has been soul-crushing. I’ve never been this depressed in my life.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m complicating all of this. Maybe the choices I need to make are right in front of me, and I just don’t want to face them. Maybe the real issue is my pride—I want to be the main breadwinner again. Maybe I need to get comfortable with the idea of taking a part-time job and accept that I’ll only contribute a small amount financially for now.

I don’t know, but I need to figure this out—badly. Some months, I don’t even leave the house for an entire week. The only times I do are when I force myself to take the kids out to the store or the park because I know they need it.

Another part of all this that’s eating me up is having literally zero social life. I used to have two friends online that I would talk to, but the shame of my current situation made me feel like I needed to stop talking to them until I got my life together.

I just want to have a job, a social life, and projects outside of work that I can focus on to build the financial future I want for my family and myself.

Honestly, I barely take care of myself. I brush my teeth maybe twice a week—three times on a good week, but rarely in a row. I only shower about once a week, and that’s if I’m having a “good” week. My eating habits are a mess.

I just want to get back to feeling like my life is growing in all aspects. I know I can’t keep putting my kids through this. They deserve better. I want to regularly plan activities for us as a family, introduce them to hobbies or routines they might enjoy, and teach them things to help them hit important milestones for their age.

I know I can do this—I just feel stuck and hopeless. I’m sorry you had to read all of that.

To be honest, I’m really just trying to talk to others who’ve been in similar situations. That would help so much. Just knowing there are others out there who can relate would probably save me right now. I’m not kidding.

I’m sorry this is so long, but I just needed to get it all out. It feels like I’ve been holding everything in for so long, and it’s been eating away at me. I’m trying to hold on for my kids and my wife, but I feel like I’ve let them down. I don’t even recognize myself anymore. I used to be someone who had goals, who worked hard, and who found joy in life, but now I’m just… stuck.

I’m scared that if I don’t figure this out soon, I’ll spiral even further. My kids deserve a father who is present and engaged. My wife deserves a partner who can share the load and make her proud. I know it’s not just about finding a job; it’s about finding myself again and regaining my sense of purpose.

I think what hurts the most is that I know I’m capable of so much more. I’ve always been someone who loved to dream and create, but I’ve let fear and shame keep me from pursuing those dreams. I’ve let my pride stop me from taking steps forward because I didn’t want to settle or feel “less than.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I know I need help. I know I need to make changes. But I also know that I can’t do it alone. If anyone reading this has gone through something similar or has advice, I’d really appreciate it. I just want to feel like myself again and be the person my family can rely on.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. It means more to me than I can express.

Right now, as I write this, I sit in the kitchen, staring at all the dishes that still haven’t been washed from Thanksgiving. I might do them. I feel like I don’t even have any choices. Maybe that’s what I need help with this evening—realizing that I still do have choices.

I often wonder if I’m complicating all of this. Maybe the choices are right in front of me, and I just don’t want to make them. Maybe I want to be the main breadwinner again. Maybe I need to get comfortable with the idea of a part-time job and accept that I’ll only contribute a small amount financially.

I just want to feel like myself again and enjoy life. I want to get out of the house, meet people, and start living. I used to love conversations and meeting new people, and not doing that for over a year makes me feel awful to my core.

I don’t know if anyone can relate, but if you’ve been in a similar situation, I’d really appreciate hearing about it. It would help more than you know. Just knowing there are others out there who understand would probably save me right now.

Thank you for reading this.

I just found this community and thought I'd share my experience. I have a great life, but can't let myself enjoy it. I didn't realize I was depressed until I had a breakdown from being totally burnt out at work. I was afraid to tell my wife because I feared her reaction so it just kept building up or more like down, then I couldn't hold it in anymore so I told her and she may have saved my life by lining up mental health treatment for me which led to medication that helped for a while. That was over twenty years ago and since then I have looked at my life and made some observations of my experience with depression because it has always been there, I always thought that I was just different from family and friends. I’m an introvert so I hid from stressful experiences but I was coping pretty well. Went to college, married my best friend, had two kids and worked in a pressure job for 30 years. Always hated myself but I never knew why. Over time I realized I found no joy in my life, I saw that I was drawn to sadness, in songs and stories, Reddit is a great place for this. I guess some songs hit him like “Hate Me” by Blue October. Sadness seems to have permeated into the way I view life.
But here I am, loved, blessed in almost every way but still no joy. I’ve learned to live with it. I have fears for the future that can make me cry so I avoid them. I’ve never seriously considered deleting myself, because I would never do that to my wife. We are aging and things will continue to go downhill. I have no fear of death just the fear of losing her, if she dies we will have a double funeral. I don’t know if my experience is shared, I’ve come to accept this as a burden I must carry for life and I can survive the curse of depression, but I don’t think it ever goes away

Just wondering if anyone here is on Limitrogene for depression/anxiety but is not bipolar.

Early 30s, suffered from depression since I was 16. Lost a sibling earlier this year and the grief is crushing me. I feel like a lot of issues that I have tried to suppress for a while are also coming to the fore through this and I am starting to consider suicide. My therapist told me she can no longer help, weekly sessions are not enough, that I need to check in to an inpatient clinic, and I just feel like I have failed, hit rock bottom, etc. I could barely look her in the eyes during sessions, I can't talk about how I feel with my wife or parents, all I do is spend all my time trying to distract myself from these awful thoughts and feelings. I think I agree that an inpatient clinic would help (I am not sure how I can really go on like this) but I am worried I am still not mentally ready to accept how bad my situation is and therefore would waste my time and the clinic's. Does anyone have any experience of inpatient treatment or this sort of situation?

Past 10 years have been awful. Depression, anxiety & psychosis episodes.

Wednesday went shops with my father. Seen old high school mate & lover. She was pregnant & had a child with her. Then my old mate, he tried to go on like he didn't see me yet I did the same thing. Both looking good, nice they got their life together. Made me feel bitter.

31 tomorrow & I'm crying, haven't been in a relationship in years(I'm in a weird situationship I don't trust her tbf) & I'm trying to join a course for the better of my life, been on illness benefits because of current situation.

I don't know where or how to start.

I don't think I'm a good human. By any means. I believe that literally every life I have touched I have made worse. I attempt to pull myself out of the past and have a hope for change or the future. It never works though, I just cycle back I to it.

I also just talked to my biological father for arguably the first time as adults to ask why I wasn't important enough. His only response is that he himself isn't important.

This only helped to trigger the spiral that no matter what I change, what I do, I'll still end up ruining everyone's lives. I'll still end up making everyone feel unimportant.

Even as I try and mentally work my way through, I have the knife in hand. I've already been practicing how deep I need to cut and have been getting closer and closer since I started. I never thought that I'd be that person. I never thought suicide would even be a contemplation.

But now I'm 32, my daughter doesn't need new. Her mother hates me and I've destroyed every chance I've had at happiness. My soul belongs to her and I'll never be okay without her.

My life has become forfeit, as I type on my phone I watch the blood dripping from the end of my finger knowing maybe next time I'll get deep enough.

Studying is extremely difficult when depressed.

My brain isn't working. I'm panicking, course deadline on the 28th which is annoying because in September it finished on the 30th(30 days in November why did they cut it short ffs!).

Idk I'm panicking, which isn't helping me at all. I don't know what to do. I've asked for help, haven't received any & I don't know where to turn to. Making me more depressed, stressed & anxious as well.

I know with depression mental processing speed is slow, adapting is slower, so I'm not picking up information. Even so, it's depressing and creating a cycle which obviously doesn't help me.

I already have a negative image and views of myself and this doesn't help one bit. Society says I'm dumb, I know I'm not, yes I have a lot to improve upon it makes me feel like crap.

Hey everyone,

I’m really scared.

I’m in my 40s, and I’ve struggled with major depressive disorder, treatment-resistant, for nearly 30 years. Over the past year, things have only been getting worse. About a year ago, our landlord didn’t renew our lease, forcing us to move. My wife and I were already barely getting by, relying on my Social Security disability. I can’t work due to severe depression and chronic pain, but I keep trying to get back on my feet, only to end up back where I started—or worse.

Since the move, I’ve lost 40 pounds, going from a stable 236 lbs to under 200—the lowest I can remember in my adult life. I’m terrified because I have no appetite, and I’m watching myself shrink with every passing day. I’ve lost ~20% of my body weight in one year, and it’s a constant reminder of how badly I’m struggling. I can hide my emotions from people, but my appearance shows the toll. I feel like I’m losing control over my body, and I don’t know how to stop it.

I’m a musician, and music used to be a release, a way to express what I couldn’t put into words. But now, depression tells me, “What’s the point?” Even things I know could help feel out of reach when I’m in this state. The emptiness and hopelessness are overwhelming.

Recently, I decided to try a low-dose ketamine microdosing treatment. I’ve tried every antidepressant, and talk therapy helped at one point, but only with a therapist who really understood me. Unfortunately, he moved to private practice and no longer takes insurance. My new therapist doesn’t offer the same support—I just feel like I’m venting without real direction. And the nurse practitioner at my current clinic dismissed my long-standing medications without consideration.

The ketamine treatment has been a small glimmer of hope, but when my wife found out, things erupted. She’s in recovery, and her past experiences mean she sees ketamine as a “recreational drug,” not as a legitimate treatment. I didn’t tell her initially because I knew how she’d react, and because money is a huge issue. I’ve cut out anything non-essential from my budget to afford the treatment, but she still sees it as selfish.

I understand her concerns, but I’m desperate to try anything that might work. I feel like I’m running out of time. My weight loss is terrifying me, and every time I look in the mirror, I feel like I’m watching myself fade away. I just want her to see that this isn’t about money or “drugs”—it’s about me doing whatever it takes to survive. I feel like I’m drowning, and her support would mean everything to me.

I don’t have anyone else to turn to, and I think she doesn’t realize how much I rely on her, which I know isn’t healthy either. I’m scared, lost, and just trying to find some way out of this.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? How did you cope? Even if you just want to tell me that things can get better, I’d be so grateful. I really need to hear something hopeful right now.

Thank you to anyone who reads this and can offer some support.

I’m so lost in life and I have no place to call home.

I know this is a common feeling shared among many here in this subreddit, but this feeling has been so overwhelming for me these past few years and I feel like I’m not working towards any concrete goal in the future. I just want a simple thing- to have a good community of friends that makes a town/city a place to call home and good enough income to support myself with. I’ve worked really hard to earn a spot in a university abroad along with an education grant so I can study my bachelor’s in a new country. That was my dream when I was younger. But as I am getting older I feel like I have less concrete goals on what I want to work towards in my future. My desires of having people and a place to call home seems very abstract for now. I have made friends in uni but I don’t even know if we’d be present in each other’s lives after our degrees as I don’t know where we’ll end up- let alone be in the same country. Friendships I had before uni have fizzled out due to all of us going our own ways. And the country I’m a resident in (not the one where I’m studying abroad) doesn’t even feel like home anymore bc of a traumatic incident my ex inflicted on me before I left for uni which left deep emotional scars that won’t heal over quickly as I’m away for most times of the year. I also have a strained relationship and deep distrust with my parents who are the only people I return home to. The whole place feels so foreign to me now yet I haven’t established any roots elsewhere. Moreover, I have no community or other friends waiting for me whenever I return back home to my country. When I graduate I don’t know if it’s best to go back to the place I grew up in now as it feels so foreign to me because of past traumas or venture off to a new country I’ve never been to. And I also know that making lifelong friends feels a lot harder the more we get older. Which is so saddening because deep down that’s all I want. I want lifelong friends whom I can be present with regularly and be there for each other and give that deeper sense of fulfillment in life. Right now I feel like I’m floating and I’m scared. I don’t know what to do. I can’t even list concrete reasons as to why I should keep going. Nothing feels like home, whenever I come back I remember what my ex did to me and I feel powerless at how he managed to make the place I grew up in feel so foreign but I’d also feel so lost and scared if I laid down my roots elsewhere. I’m genuinely at a loss. Let alone I don’t even think I have any lifelong friends. What’s all of this even for ? What am I doing all of this for ? I worked so hard and yet I don’t feel any better. I just feel lonelier. There’s no place I can call home while I so desperately want one. That’s all I want. I want community, I want to feel safe, I want to feel loved and give love. I want to experience those simple joys in life with people I love by my side.

I know I’m not the first person to ever feel this way, and I surely won’t be the last. But if anyone has any advice or anything at all, please, I’m all ears. All of this adult stuff is scary, especially now that I feel like the foundation that built me up prior is crumbling down. I’m floating so helplessly. I’m so scared.

Hi! New here. I'm 46 and have lived with depression since the age of 12. I have never seen a therapist. In the last few years I feel like I am finally in a place that I could answer a therapists questions honestly but I am still scared that I won't be able to and it will all be a waste of time and money. I feel like what goes on in my head as far as self-loathing, ideation, insecurities, and lack of self confidence is so embarrassing and I cannot imagine telling a stranger these things. I can can barely share it with my husband of 20 yrs. Im afraid to drag it all out into the light. All I have ever shared with a medical professional is that I struggle with depression and anxiety and they just prescribe drugs without having to tell them anything else. I am very good at pretending to be ok otherwise but i am not. Everyday i wish i could just not exsist. Those meds are no longer working and I want to find a way to not hate every day with having to take an SSRI.

Things have gotten really bad over the last year and I have to do something but I'm so far down in the pit that I can't see my way out. I have gone as far as calling a psychiatrist because I want some neuropsychological testing so I know what I'm dealing with (my children have adhd and autism so i wonder about myself) but couldn't find anyone that could see me within 6 mos. I contacted one counseling company but never followed up.

My husband wants me better so I want to try but I just can't get over the humps.

Can anyone who has felt similar share a bit about their therapy journey? I need a push. Thank you for reading.

Ok here I’m going to be transparent, and I hope I don’t sound stupid. When I was younger, maybe 15, I was actively looking for reasons to live, or reasons not to commit suicide.

Back then, I was very into meditation. In one session I asked myself: if I left this planet, what is the thing I wish I did before I left? And the answer was: to get to know the world, to know other cultures, to feel other climates, to scuba dive to get to know the sea. It was an honest answer that came loud and clear to me.

I don’t know if it sounds stupid, but back then, that idea kept me going and got me through a deep depression.

Now, at 35, I have had a sister that survived breast cancer at 22, a mom that passes from a very ugly to witness liver disease, a dad that passed two weeks ago from a lung disease. I myself have arthritis, diagnosed at 30. And I feel fucking sad. I have visited so many hospitals, spent so much money on doctors, seen so many sad things.

I am getting the feelings again from when I was looking for reasons to stay here. Definitely not as bad as back then, but getting closer. Here is more a midlife crisis. I feel I am getting older and have not enjoyed many things because I have been worried for over 20 years. Yes I have traveled, specially for work, but almost all my happy experiences have been tinted with anxiety or worry on some form.

I do have amazing things going on as well, like the most loving husband. He is investing so much effort into the down payment for a house. I am able to help with the down payment now that I am no longer paying for nurses or hospital bills. But now I worry that our debt won’t let us see the world until I am way older.

I sound stupid and ungrateful, I know. I am grateful that we are able to afford a house, and I am able for him and my sister being a survivor. I have a job on this hard economy. My arthritis is controlled. AND I still feel live is so short, that I refuse to spend my whole life working my ass of everyday looking the same so that I can guarantee a decent living when I am old.

Looking at my parents, specially my dad that required so much help at his late years, makes me think I have to work so hard to live decently when I am 70 that I won’t have the time or energy or money during my youth to see the world as I promised to my 15 self. I honestly don’t mean to sound ungrateful. I am just fucking depressed.

Hello, everyone. This is the first time I’m posting on Reddit about my mental health situation because I don’t know where else to turn. Those who know me just tell me to go to work, saying that it will help me feel better, but I’m not feeling that way.

I have borderline personality disorder, bipolar II, chronic anxiety, and depression. Most of my days are spent at home and have been for almost a year. I worked one job, but I quit after two weeks. Then I had another job, and they let me go after two weeks, and I don’t even know why. This last one took my depression and suicidal thoughts to an extreme level, as I still don’t understand, even nearly two months later, what I did wrong.

I started looking for a job, but my mental health kept getting worse. However, in the society we live in, it’s unacceptable for someone to simply turn down a job just because they don’t feel right about it. I’m an adult, so I should just be happy, right?

The problem is, I’m not happy. I don’t want to get out of bed. Knowing that I’m supposed to start work on Tuesday has made my mental state worse ever since I found out a week ago. At first, I didn’t even want to tell anyone I’d been accepted because I wasn’t sure if I could go through with it. But I ended up sharing, and now everyone around me knows, so I can’t just not go.

Nobody understands why I feel this way or why, physically and emotionally, I simply don’t want to start this job. I’m not mentally okay, and everything about this job terrifies me. I genuinely don’t know what else to do. There’s only one day left, and all I do is cry because I just want to stay in my own space alone. I can’t bear the thought of being in a public-facing role again. The idea of new colleagues terrifies me, and other aspects of the job itself don’t appeal to me.

I don’t know what to do, so I decided to post here in the hope that someone who has been through something similar can help me. I know, on paper, I should be happy, but I feel even more miserable than before.

Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this.

So I work at a family company and this guy came complaining and requested a refund but he was so fine, he was kinda old but I want to text him and say that I find him attractive and to go out and I think he did find me too bc he kept looking at me but is it unprofessional? Yes. Do I still want to get at him?, yes. :))) what should I doooo ?

I’ve wanted to die since I was ¿12? I’ve always felt guilty for it. I’m now a grown adult still wanting to die and still feeling guilty for it.

I'm the kind of person who usually keeps everything bottled up until it all becomes too much, and then I explode.

I hadn't felt like this in a long time, but the dark thoughts have come back, and right now I can't even stand the idea of eating. Being at home only makes it worse.

Things have gotten so bad lately that I've been seriously considering drastic measures again, just to make the pain stop.

Even though I really want to live and the thought of feeling this way again terrifies me, I've been thinking that taking at least a week away from home could help my mental health. But for that, I'd need to leave the state I live in—I’m from a state in Mexico and I was considering going to Mexico City for that break.

I feel like I have to do this. I don’t think I can handle another week like this without resorting to extreme actions. But going is beyond my reach. I don’t have a place to stay, and right now I can only afford bus tickets. That sense of helplessness is making things worse.

I haven't been able to rest for days, and therapy isn’t helping.

Sorry if this is hard to understand, but I really need help.

I came back home from school for a few days. I got diagnosed with depression 4 months ago. Took a year to get a diagnosed and treatment but hey, at least I got it. I knew i suffered mentally but would like to think i didn’t. I’ve always been a sad kid growing up. Basically raised my lil sister at the age of 10 and would get blamed for everything she did no matter how hard I tried. I’m 19 btw. I’m on medication for my depression, sertraline and it honestly made me feel better. I was not sad or empty anymore, i wasn’t anxious as much anymore nor was i worrying anymore. My suicidal thoughts were gone and it was nice. September I started CBT and apparently I have PTSD from childhood trauma. It took me a while to understand and I’m still trying to understand because I don’t think it’s PTSD. I think PTSD is for veterans if ppl who have been SA, so yeah. But to help out a bit, i moved from one country to another in North America. My parents are African so I chuck up things to culture. I cried a lot as a child. I felt like I was never able to do something correctly and I’ll pray to God to take me away. I remember once u wrote in this little notepad as my secret diary and I write about how I want to die and i don’t want to feel anymore, I think I was about 9, 10, or 11. One of my brothers found the note and gave it to my mother and she said “if the person wants to kill themselves then they should. It’s not my problem.” Another thing i remember was me and my mother arguing, I would say I was 12 and she turned and told me, “don’t make me start hating you.” This is something I always think about. I only became sadder which made me more empty, which made me feel nothing. I’m always the one making people laugh and I like that bc I don’t want anyone to feel what I’ve felt. I don’t talk to friends about my feelings bc I can’t. So back to therapy, we’re doing CPT (Cognitive Processing Therapy) and we’ve dived into my childhood and what I’ve been through. It’s all focused on my mother. I moved far for school bc I wanted to be away from home. I played extracurricular activities bc I get to stay at school longer. Anyways, back to me coming back for a few days. I had plans and I told my mother about one specific one, I was told “okay” cause I needed her car. Then day before she changes her mind knowing that I’ve already made all the plans. I even cancelled the tickets I booked to get there two-three weeks ago bc I was told I can use it. Idk why but the change of mind made me cry. I cried out of annoyance and from then on I just continued. For the first time in 4 months, I felt suicidal again. I’m sitting here crying and I don’t know why. My there told me I should feel my emotions bc I suppress them and I did the first two times I cried but I can’t now. I don’t want to feel it. I’d rather just fake happy. I just want to go back to school. I’m so tired. You don’t understand. I need to go to sleep. I apologize if this is all over the place.

My mom passed two years ago and I have been sad ever since. The only thing that kept me going was the fact that I married the most wonderful person a year and 6 months after.

I don’t cry as often as before, but I still feel like shit. It feels like a whole in my chest. I know I don’t deliver professionally as I used to, I am sleepy all the time and almost lost all sex drive.

Since I am autistic I am the best at wearing masks and faking it. I just wonder if it does really get better, or if this is my new normality. I am 35, so technically I still have time to enjoy life. But… I am not. My dad is also ill and has been at the hospital for a month and a half now.

Honestly, the only thing that has kept me alive is the fact that my dad still needs me and that I have the greatest husband. Without them, I don’t think I would be trying much anymore. So yes I am grateful for them… it is just that I feel sad on a physical level, if that makes sense. Everything feels heavy, waking up, planning the day, sitting at my desk. It is almost like my skin hurts.

Thanks for reading.

Does it really get better or is there a part of you that always still wants to end it all?

I just want someone to talk to. It has been a long day.

People always say I'm hard on myself. Also you set high standards for yourself I'm in therapy(waited four years to get it UK/NHS). I'm hard on myself because everyone is hard on me.

Had siblings yell at me & blame me for everything today. Say they don't love me & they purposely punish me. What kind of twisted person says that shit!

Being 31 m, with no job,career,skill,higher education, living at home is viewed as pathetic irl & in "family". Online I get blasted into oblivion! I hate having clinical depression, psychosis & generalized anxiety (been in mental health institutions for 6 years).

I try to improve, gym, therapy, walks, library and even trying to join a course & attend workshops etc yets it's never enough. I hardly have any energy & I'm always sick. Like why don't people get it, I'm trying sorry I'm not HE-man or superman, or whatever "man" is supposed to impose.

Halloween is around the corner and anyone that knows me knows I enjoy the holiday. I've always put so much work into family themed costumes and go the extra freaking mile with constructing a lot of it on my own with only a tiny bit of help, if any. Anyways, this year I jdgaf. Let both kids pick their own costume. Husband just bought something in a bag from spirit and here I am not wanting to do a damn thing. I don't care. I don't want to celebrate. I just don't.

However, if I were to give up on the holiday I know it'll be a major red flag to my parents. One that screams I'm not okay. And while I'm not, I also don't want anyone noticing. I know I have to force myself to get out there and figure out some type of costume. But I seriously can't find the strength to do so. After struggling through some homework (yes. I'm an old idiot who shouldn't even bother trying anymore but whatever I'm halfway in the semester) I decided I should take a shower and go to the store. But here I am holding back tears in a towel on my bed. No desire to leave the house after all. This is so damn hard.

I'm so tired of feeling this way.

whats running in my mind.

is depression real?

am so tired feeling like this please someone cure me am struggling everyday the pain does not stop but painkillers cant numb the pain am sick am ill my brain is rotting and cant stop it, I hate having this trauma I need help please god u need to help me why is this happening to me is it for my sins am sorry for my sins, forgive me please am trying my best am sorry for pain I caused to people through my life choices why is this happening please forgive ur humble sinner please help me me ur humble sinner,only you can save me no mortal can save me, am weak and I neeed ur help.

I hate my self I wish I could die but am weak and do I really mean it as don't want MY CHILDREN TO SUFFER how I suffered ,all I ask for a cuddle but even that to much am not worthy am just waste of space.

mum why oh why am not good enought for you why what did i do i was born and u let me go why was i not worthy of your love, all i want ur love but seems il never have it and i know when you die il cry for you but you cant even face the cold for me, god forbide u sacrafice for me guess giving me away was easier in long run yet am crying wanting you so much but just cant have mother love, guess i was born to suffer so be it.