Just wanna share that I’m feeling really down at the moment. A potential date stepped on the brake suddenly when I thought the relationship between us was progressing well. I feel really defeated, I lost count of how many rejections I have been through for the past year and a half. Am I the issue here? I think I am. I’m the common denominator after all.

Came across Joni Mitchell’s Both Sides Now and this verse really resonates with me. “But now it’s just another show. You leave them laughing when you go. If you care don’t let them know. Don’t give yourself away. I’ve looked at love from both sides now. From give and take and still somehow. It’s love’s illusions I recall. I really don’t know love at all.”

I really don’t know love at all. Reflecting on the all rejections I have been through, I feel like I’m always the one giving more than the other. When I like someone, I might have gotten a little too excited. And this might make people feel pressured when our level of interest is not the same. It becomes burdensome for them. But at the same time, I truly want to be authentic and don’t wish to hide my feelings. Do I need to put on a show going forward? No matter how much I like them, I should not show that I care and definitely not give myself away. Dating in this era is extremely challenging as it’s so difficult to gauge people’s interest. How do you pace yourself at the beginning of a relationship? Does your intuition help you gauge what the situation is?

Because single men don't typically go to Home Depot or Lowe's unless we absolutely have to. They're a good place to find a married man, though, lol!

I (42f) separated from my now ex husband 2 years ago. One year ago I decided to try bumble. Imagine my surprise when I came across a guy i had a HUGE crush on approx 10 ago, right as I was starting to date my now ex husband. Let's call crush "bob". I met Bob because he was a client at my work, but he was engaged at the time. Ohhhh, I was so excited. Long story short, took my shot, ghosted. We texted for weeks, he called me on the regular. So that stung. Tried again a few weeks later, we exchanged texts , then ghosted again. My ex husband hates him, my ex brother in law is friends with Bob still, so I'm assuming Bob heard whatever vitriol ex husband and bro in law are spinning. This hatred has nothing to do with my crush, my ex husband hated most people.

Bob and I are still friends on social, he's recently started reacting to everything I post, which has made the rejection fresh again. He's so tall, hot, funny, tattooed, ornery....i just want to climb him and of course have deep meaningful conversations with him, and climb him again.

I've gone on other dates, had second and third dates, but blahhhhh.

Tell me to move on and delete the social media connection. Tell me he's just not into me. Tell me he hates me.

Ughhhhhhh, dating now is the worst.

I've been seeing a guy for 4.5 months, we agreed to take things slowly particularly as my marriage ended about 12 months before I met him and I have young children. Very early on I was very careful about how emotionally involved I was getting, I was very codependent on my ex husband and I'm really not wanting to start giving all of my self and my heart to someone again particularly if they're not feeling the same way. We didn't sleep together for 2 months and hes only stayed at my house (when my children weren't here) a few times in the last few weeks. I loved having him here, waking up together, relaxing and felt great about it. With our schedules we only have a few nights each week that I can see him without getting babysitters involved, so I thought after a couple of weeks of staying over a routine may start to happen where that was when we would see each other each week. However it didn't happen as he ended up taking up a regular social commitment on one of those nights and becoming unavailable and then since then he's also made other plans with friends on the otyer nights but still saw me for lunch/few hours. We havnt had a discussion about it but it's made me rethink how I'm viewing things, perhaps I'm getting ahead of myself in how I think we should be progressing. I know he's not dating others but I guess if he's not making it a priority to see me for more than a few hours a week he's probably not looking to build something serious? I guess I need to decide if I'm okay with that.

Hello! I'm curious about my chances of finding someone for a long-term relationship, on OLD or IRL. I'm a 47-year-old expat from Eastern Europe and live in the US East Coast with three kids over 10, and I have 50% custody (so my free time is limited). I can express myself relatively well, bu5 I'm not quite fluent like a native speaker. My experiences so far haven't been great (I'm not an Adonis, but I don't look bad either).

Just had a very short, semi aggressive initial OLD conversation. Him: Hi. How has your day been? Me: Good. Finishing up my lunch break. Looking forward to the last bit of warm weather this afternoon. Him: I bet those legs look great in the sun.🧐 (For context there are no pictures of my legs on my profile) Me: They do, but I’m not looking for a Tinder hookup Him: Me either, Are we on Tinder? Me: Nope. Just making my intentions clear. Him: (conversation is now blocked so I can’t give verbatim) So, you’re not into compliments. Me: Not ones with sexual implications within the first few minutes of meeting or in this case chatting online. He went on a bit of a rant about how my self esteem is low, I then said my assumptions are based on personal experiences. He ranted again and blocked. How would you have interpreted his leg statement?

My girlfriend of 9 weeks sent me this. She's F48 and I'm M51. I have a bunch of aspirations and future projects on the go and am always striving for more. But for us it's been tough with her exhibiting hot and cold behavior and things being a bit of a challenge at times, but positivity growing growing between us slowly but surely.

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat"

Theodore Roosevelt

I'm probably over thinking this as to why she sent it and hope it's for the positive but what do you think?

Hi guys. I'm just looking for some input.

My (42f) boyfriend (47m) of six months is, overall, wonderful -- attentive, caring, empathetic, and sweet. Reliable. Loving. We have fun. He's funny. He's extremely emotionally open -- maybe too much.

We're both single parents and don't have a lot of free time between us -- although arguably, we have more solo time together than other parents do. He's frankly acknowledged that if our weekends didn't line up, we probably wouldn't have made it. This feels sort of icky to me for reasons I can't fully articulate.

Other context: we've broken up twice -- although he came back immediately -- during those conversations he brought up a bunch of criticisms of me that he'd never expressed before. So now I have this underlying feeling that, even when he's expressing approval and love, he's not actually happy under the surface, and another knee-jerk breakup is looming.

One of the main problems that I see is that he's constantly bringing up issues -- even the littlest ones (examples below). I'm unbothered by small miscommunications, and I believe a successful relationship involves a whole lot of letting the little stuff go. He seems to feel an urgency and importance to discuss every single one, and insists that we need to talk through all of them. Small clarifying conversations would be fine, but these talks are at length. Hours. Hours that ramble into other stuff, hours we don't really have, hours I would rather be bonding with him or relaxing or having fun. And I admit I've gotten frustrated because he belabors a point repeatedly (both within an discussion/argument and across them). We're just spending so much of our limited time arguing or debating.

Sometimes it's not conversations -- he'll send me an email. Today's was 3.5 pages and 1500 words and I don't even know where to start. It just feels overwhelming.

Example 1: I offered to cancel plans on Tuesday night because he seemed stressed out that things on his side were running late. I see that as supportive -- he's often said (and even said later in the email) that he needs more solo time, and more than I do. But he said it was hurtful that I'd offer to cancel and negatively compared how I handled it to how he handled a night that I'd been sick.

Example 2: I just genuinely don't have a preferences on small things. Eclair or croissant? Either way. This weekend, he ordered a big eclair. He asked why I didn't finish my half, and I commented lightly that it was huge and more than I needed, and that ended up in this email: "it's frustrating to hear you wanted something else when I'd asked and you stood there mostly silently and waited for me to make a choice." I didn't want something else. I really didn't have an opinion. I wasn't attempting to criticize him. Like why are we turning this into something?

It just feels to me like every. little. thing. becomes a big thing that we need to have "a conversation" about, like anything I do or say is going to cause an issue, and even though these conversations end well about half the time, I've begun to dread them.

I don't know how to get out of this cycle. Thoughts?

Recently dipped my toe back into OLD and am getting plenty of matches. 90% say nothing unless i message first. On profiles that i have commented on their pictures instead of just swiping, only 1 has “replied”, the rest just match and then don’t say anything.

What’s annoying is people who only respond to questions and don’t ask anything in return. I matched with a local girl and have been leading the conversation all week. She responds with a line or 2 and always ends with “and you”?

Are these limited responses a sign of low interest, or/and just the overwhelming these girls feel from the hundreds of men chasing them? This girl is reference above has so much in common, is gorgeous and very local, but my interest is fading with the lack of reciprocation on chat.

Getting mixed feedback from friends about this so thought I would ask the internet. I (40 F) briefly dated a guy (42 M) late last year (like a month - no sex). It was an obvious connection. He had been separated a year and going through a bad divorce when we met. He said he was ready - I believed him. Then he hit a really bad patch in the divorce negotiations and he told me he just was not ready and as he wanted to keep dating but just was not in a good spot to get involved in something serious. It really hurt, but I believed him. I took some time off dating as was a rough year for me for other reasons but am back now. A friend saw him on a dating app. A couple friends said reach out to him and say hi others are like hell no he ended it with you and he should be the one to reach out. I know his divorce has been sorted. It has been a year and this guy is still on my mind. I feel like I should likely just let it go but have a tiny part of me should shoot my shot.

One of the women (44) I (49m) am seeing asked me to be exclusive with her recently. This was not exactly a surprise, but I wanted to get some opinions.

I enjoy her company and I like spending time with her. I don’t really have a lot of concerns about her personality and life outlook, she is well grounded and a good fit for me.

The thing is, I wasn’t immediately like “hell yes!” I mean I have some hang ups related to my marriage and feeling like I made some bad decisions (marrying my ex being one of them). I don’t know that I have commitment issues per se, but I’ve felt like when you know you know.

So is anything other than an enthusiastic yes a no? I have some mixed feelings for sure. A friend I talked to about asked me how I would feel if I said I wasn’t ready and she ended it. Well, I would be ok with that.

So do you just know when you know, like you don’t really want to see anyone else, or is it more a grey area for you?

Any advice. Trying to maintain a positive attitude and avoid depression and loneliness.

Okay…I’m a little over 40 and happened to run into an old schoolmate one evening. We wound up talking that night for about 3 hours. Since then, we’ve been on 4 great dates and I’ve spent two nights at his place - once after a date and once to hang out. We have not had sex, but once made out very passionately for like 2 hours after our 2nd date (the first kiss). Our kissing sessions are always ridiculously passionate…

Anywho, his contact hasn’t been consistent in the last week and a half. He mentioned that his nephew’s father died last week and he’s been taking turns with his siblings since his mother has dementia. The mother had dementia before we ran into each other. The last time we spoke, I was honest and said I wonder if there’s space for me in his life. He said things were really interesting in his life at this moment, but we should give us a month or two to date - that he really likes me and likes the way my mind works. That he really enjoys spending time with me.

I can’t help but feel like he’s pushing me away with his actions and that feeling is making me see that I have grown to like him more than I realized.

Am I tripping and falling too fast and he’s pulling away? If so, is that enough to make a man run for the hills? Or just fall back to slow things down? Should I just take him at his word and see how things pan out?

Guy from my past, a few years younger than me , wants to meet during his lunch break. First it was for lunch. Now it’s downgraded to coffee. Should I even go? For 30 min

Throwaway account.

I am 41M dating 41F, we've been in a relationship for just over 1 year. We've both been divorced for a few years.

Backstory: My marriage of 7 years (12 years total) ended due to my ex-wife's affair. Consequently, my prior LTRs in my 20's also ended in my partner cheating. So early on in dating, I am very upfront that a history of infidelity/cheating will be a dealbreaker. Over a year ago, my current girlfriend and I had this discussion on like the third or fourth date. I remember the discussion going really well. She said that she had never cheated. She actually shared with me that she caught her ex-husband cheating on her, took him back for the kids, but eventually the trust never healed, and that is one of the reasons why she eventually filed for divorce. She also shared that an ex-boyfriend that she was with post-divorce she also caught cheating, and promptly left him. This was enough for me to feel satisfied, and discussions about cheating never really came up again.

This past weekend we were having a few drinks and sharing photos of places we had travelled. She lived in Europe briefly to attend college in her mid-20s. She opened up her phone to show me some pictures of a girls trip to a city we were discussing. At the time of the girls trip, she had been in a long-distance relationship with her ex-husband (then boyfriend) for about 6-months. One of the pictures was of a group of her girlfriends at the time, and some random guys that they must have been partying with while on the trip. Nothing about this seemed out of place for someone in their mid-20s. I have similar photos and experiences from that time in my life.

Then she directly admitted, "So I sort-of cheated on my ex-husband when were first dating with one of these guys. It was a couple months before he came to visit me in Europe. We made out (kissing), but I stopped him before having sex."

I was definitely taken back by this comment and didn't know quite what to say, so I think I just said, "Ok." The next day, and since then, she has never brought it back up.

Now I'm conflicted on whether or not to have a convo about it.

On the positive side, I'm happy to see that she felt comfortable enough to share this information about her history with me. I don't think even her ex-husband ever knew about it. I also realize it occurred 12+ years ago when she was mid-20s, so how much should it really be a "dealbreaker" for me today? She seems to have been a faithful wife and girlfriend since then.

On the negative: I feel like I was misled from our conversation a year ago about cheating.

I'd like advice from DoF on how I should proceed with this conversation. What questions would you ask?

I’ve (48) been seeing a great guy(47) for the last 1.5 yrs on and off. We have some really special interests that overlap so it’s been something we both value despite a lot of very different lifestyles, most notably working out/health.

For myself i think i’m average in build, for my age probably above average. I like doing yardwork, or really anything with purpose, i just don’t like exercising for exercising purpose. I also do yoga sporadically.

He is really into fitness, and it’s a huge coping skill for him. He runs 4-7 miles a day and lifts weights in addition to having a very physical job. He does triathalons and 5ks.

He’s also a vegetarian, but he doesn’t cook, mostly using shakes for his meals. He’s muscular but very thin. Privately i think it’s not healthy to live on shakes but i keep my thoughts for the most part to myself, choosing instead to bring over healthy vegetarian meals in large portions so he’ll have left overs.

I have a health condition which means protein is one of the easiest things for me to digest. Without going into a ton of detail, things like beans and nuts don’t work for me. I eat meat.

He doesn’t comment on it much, but i can tell he doesn’t like it. i try to order fish when we go out, as to me it’s the lesser of the evils he’d see, but i’m not even sure he agrees.

We don’t talk about these things much, sometimes he refers to me not liking that he does all that, which is absolutely not true, i’ve gone to his races and always say things like “after you’re done with your routine let’s do xyz” to make sure he knows i’m happy to make space for his needs and i reassure him i support him doing what makes him happy, and i mean it.

So long story longer, i sometimes wonder if he would rather have someone who’s into the physical activity/lifestyle he is. He never says or does anything to make me feel that way, and I don’t feel that way about him, but i thought i’d ask others.

If you’re really into exercise, are you ok with it being a “you” thing or do you want a partner who’s running next to you or biking. Do you expect your partner to be extremely fit or do you see someone with a more average body type as attractive?

He doesn’t make me feel unattractive, quite the opposite but i still wonder sometimes.

I met an amazing man 5 months ago, he’s everything I want in a relationship except for sex. I’ve told him my love language is physical touch and not just a cuddle. I expressed to him I love massage and how even just one will get the intimacy flowing for me but he just doesn’t do it, I find I’m resenting him because I feel like he isn’t trying so to speak (would love a date organised) prior to me he was married for 20 years than with a women 8 years older than me, I get the feeling these women wore the pants and took control, he was raised in a very religious household but doesn’t follow himself anymore. Tonight I tried getting him to open up and he just clammed up How can I get him to understand my love language before the whole relationship flushes down the drain? Starting to feel like maybe we are too different

I just went on a date with a man and he was great! Accept he had bad breath:( I agreed to go out again, shall I tell him??

I've been feeling this way lately. I know I can be a complex human and at 42 y/o, I certainly carry baggage, traumas, and eccentricities like any other single middle aged human. I'm also honest, kind, hard working, loving, loyal, aware of my inadequacies and am always working on becoming a better version of myself. I have incredibly close friendships, but I just can't figure this dating thing out. It's just never quite right and it occurred to me that maybe it's just me? Is it supposed to be this hard? Not trying to have a pity party, just trying to be open to wth the glitch is here. 🤷🏽‍♀️

Was in a codependent / anxiously attached relationship for 18 months which has only recently gone no contact due to house stuff needing sorting.

At the run up to the end of the contact he was backing away emotionally whereas I was sort of thinking maybe if he’s willing to do the work perhaps we can see where it goes (see previous posts) and then when he rejected me I decided ok time to pull my big girl pants on and get on with my life. That’s what I’ve been doing since last week it’s been hard and painful but the right thing to do.

I owed him some money so I directly paid him what I owed via app today. No contact just that. And as predicted he messaged me saying thanks and asking if I’m ok. I just responded with a short I’m ok thanks. To which he responded with ‘oh that’s good, I couldn’t bear it if you were sad and lonely’ 🤷‍♀️

Whilst without context this probably sounds lovely but to me it feels like a way to reel me back in again. He was manipulative and a bit controlling and I’ve always felt like I’ve had to do things to make sure he wasn’t upset, which caused me to break.

Wondering how it sounds to anyone out there, and if you need more context just shout 🙏

I'm starting out in a new "thing" with a guy I met outside of OLD. We met as part of a group event, so he had my number from that, and indicated via text he'd like to see me later that week, and I agreed and he quickly suggested plans. Great. Wasn't sure if it was a date, but figured I'd give it a try.

During the meal, he hinted at wanting to see me again, and made some passing suggestions about how he could take me to a different restaurant we had been talking about. I was pretty noncommittal, but the next day, sent him a text saying I'd be up for another meal sometime, and asked when would be good. We committed to a place on my suggestion, and next meal was definitely a date, ending with a kiss. He indicated, in person, he would like to see me again, but I would need to communicate schedule and also that it was totally up to me (I guess this is extreme consent, making sure I wanted a date).

So...I texted him some dates that worked, we agreed on a day/place, and had a date. Date went great, and he again indicated on the date the desire to do something again, but no actual plans were made. So, after the date, I texted him availability, asking if he'd want to do something again, and he confirmed interest, but asked what I'd like to do.

If you've read this far, you get the idea: when I have seen him in person, he indicates interest and a desire to do things. But I'm the one initiating the "asking out" via text. Half of this is because I have not wanted to break out the calendar on a date, but maybe I should. Is this something some guys do: put the "idea" out there and let the woman confirm interest and initiate the plan conversation?

The other half of this is: most of our texting is me asking about coordinating plans. There's not a lot of anything else. He has left me on read a few times. It's just dry texting. I'm not anxious about it, but it's not something I'm used to. Is this something I should read into?

Maybe he's still trying to figure out my interest level, and so this is just basically early dating. Maybe I should be asking better questions to show interest and get to know him (suggestions welcome!).

TLDR: Am I doing this right? Is it normal for a guy to expect the woman to ask him out, specifically, and initiate the scheduling conversation? And should I care much that he is a dry texter if the date conversations are good?

FAQs https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverforty/wiki/index/

For the past 3 years I’ve (41 F) been dating, some hits, some misses, some heartbreak but ultimately just a weave of men coming in and out of my life and I’m frankly exhausted. I’m ready to be content…with just me. I’m sick of that lingering feeling of “well maybe I’ll go back and look on the apps…” meet someone for it to ultimately not turn into much.

I don’t even know what I want anymore. In the beginning it was a LTR, possibly live with someone, but once I almost got that I realized I DIDN’T want that.

It’s been a week since I’ve gotten a text from ANYONE and it feels weird, yet, I want to get used to this. Being alone and working on me.

Any advice or book recommendations as I navigate this is much appreciated. <3

I am just curious. I have never been married so I don't know. From what I gather, you really idealize your new partner. You really enjoy the experience of dating and you don't have much intention toward anything in particular. You are not ready for commitment. Anything else?

I (41m) recently had 2 different women tell me I was too fit to date after they saw me without my shirt on. Both essentially said the same thing that it made them insecure about their own bodies. Can this really be a thing?

For context I'm a 45m in a 25 year relationship, married 18 years to my 43F wife. In August a lot happened that led to us seriously discussing divorce. The consensus is we are going to do counseling which starts in a few weeks, but the invasive thoughts take hold and now I'm here hoping to learn the reality of life after marriage.

Core issues for us is a lack of common interests, codependent behavior, struggles with mental health, and some resentment after years of ignoring each other's needs/feelings. I believe most of these can be worked through in therapy, but the lack of common interests really is a big deal for me. I've spent the last 20 years not doing the things I love most while we just do whatever she wants to do. So in creeps the little devil on my shoulder, "you know there are women that like to hike and love to be on the lake or in a river, right?" "Oh there are so many out there that would be a better connection for you." "Even if you guys can compromise to do more things you like, she will always hate doing them!"

Anyone else experience these intrusive thoughts? More importantly, do you regret going through with the divorce now that you have been out for a while? I should add, aside from any financial impact the divorce might have had due to child support or maintenance payments, how has your experience away from the marriage been compared to what you were hoping for?

I do prefer to chat a bit before meeting but usually after about a week max, I’d rather set up a date to meet.

I liked his pic first and I did end up asking him if he’s free this weekend as we only have so many child free weekends and I don’t want to wait a few more weeks. I’m not in a rush but I don’t like wasting time either.

He has shown interest (suggests moving off app, sends me vids about his day, initiates messages and double texts, good response times overall) and seemed enthusiastic to meet and said he has nothing on his calendar this weekend except some things to do around the house. So then I said let me know what day is best for you but he hasn’t specified day or time yet.

But im also the one asking the more probing questions (he has asked about how my day is going and about my hobbies etc - mostly superficial stuff).

Another man, very similar thing except he liked me first in the app. However he very explicitly said that he’s being very cautious as his last relationship was toxic

Are men just more gun shy at this stage due to divorce, toxic relationships, being worn down in general?

Are men also more complacent as they’re just used to be single and set in their ways and don’t really care much about relationships?

Or should I chalk this up to lack of interest?

I’m trying to be more proactive but then it’s also hard to gauge their interest level

I just don’t want to create false intimacy texting and would prefer to get to know someone in person. Also you’ll know if you have any real connection sooner.r

Anyone care to share their opinions on dating sites (or even IRL places like book store) for those that aren't into games and just want a decent shot at building relationships with the opposite sex and see where they go. In today's age, security would matter as well, so if anyone has methods to avoid bots/scammers that would also be appreciated including those bots known to be created by the dating platforms themselves. I don't really use Facebook or social media much either. I find these apps a time waster. I am a college educated NPR loving democrat so that would obviously be great to find similar world viewpoints as well even if their is no romantic interest.

I'm just getting back into dating after a long hiatus. Met up with a guy for park dates twice, and at the end of the second one, he offered to take me to the botanical gardens next weekend. He said he would see if he could get me into the gardens on his membership pass and then reach back out to me. That was two days ago, and I haven't heard from him since. I also noticed that he's no longer showing up on my Hinge matches after our second meeting, so I think he unmatched me without saying anything. Our two meetings/dates were perfectly nice and he seemed interested in seeing me again, so what gives?

Just like the title says. I'm looking to see where people stand regarding it.

Thank you.

EDIT: I'm personally wondering how many do one at a time in this situation versus those who would take a Bachelor(ette) (think reality TV show) approach.