Does anybody still doubt their self worth. Do you feel like you have achieved nothing or very little. Look at yourself and say I should have done so much better. This was shit I thought I got passed in my lat 20's. I have been at my company for 16 years, became a professional strength athlete at the age of 32, travel the world to compete and be in different places got married and have a beautiful daughter ( I think she is lol) drive a nice truck (it's a GMC I love it, shut your mouths) and I have a house. But I still feel like I haven't done shit.

Not terrible!

So I was 90lbs heavier when I turned 40, hoping to make myself even better in my 50s! Aprils fast approaching…..

(The boot is from a toe surgery, from being old. Many bone spurs removed)

Beard is salt and pepper. Hair is still mostly pepper

Wonder what 44 will be like!!

Is being 40 the time to take risks and make big changes, because who knows how much time you'll have? Or is it the time be comfortable and get to retirement?

Sure. Let's call this humor. Not doing as well as I had hoped to be by this time. Length of relationship should directly impact length of recovery in my book. But it doesn't and I'm fooling myself. If hindsight is 20-20 then I was blind as a bat during those 10 weeks. Narcissistic tendencies and traits are sneaky bastards and he found the perfect target to prey upon. I was the perfect useful idiot. Now I'm more messed up than I have been ever. Hopefully the fact that I can see the things, and read between the lines will make me better equipped to handle and navigate this. Yes he's been blocked. But it doesn't scrub out the memories. Unfortunately I seem to have near perfect recall when it comes to him. I haven't yet figured out how to reach in and scoop out that part of my grey matter that holds our time together. It doesn't help that we both live in a very small town. Not very conducive to out of sight out of mind. Oh well. I just need to remember that I don't deserve to be treated like that. I make my own living, have hobbies and friends. He was someone who needed someone to depend on him financially so he could have the upper hand and control. I made mistakes as well, but holy hell my head is messed up from this. It's crazy what the mind can do to ones self. I can remember all of the reasons why he was wrong for me, what he did to me mentally and emotionally in just that short amount of time. But I still can ignore those things and part of me still wants the relationship. It's absolutely disgusting! So I brought in my quilt, I decorated my space and I'm going to settle in for the long winter (and beyond) alone and peacefully unencumbered. I can go back to the quiet, wary, punk rock widow that I was. At least no one will give me the silent treatment for 2 days because I didn't cook the right hash browns for breakfast. Oh and by the way, Tinder Guy? I faked it more times than I can count. I also wish you safe travels and fun adventures with all of the traffic citations and reckless drivings and operating under the influences that you deserve. As well as a perpetually leaky faucet in the kitchen, and a front door rug that curls up and trips you at least 3 days a week when your hands are full. But sure, " we had some laughs, didn't we" and let's "remain friends and go grab a burger and a beer once in a while" 🙄

Just another photo of my face at work 😜