I'm her second husband, I never asked her about her intimacy with her ex, mostly because the way he treated her and how the marriage ended, I don't want her remembering any of that, but I think it is important to do so in order to improve our sex life.

Whenever I ask about her desires or kinks, she says that she doesn't have any, I think it is hard that she doesn't have any.

I already told her some of mine, so I think she should feel safe about telling me hers.

Our sex life is good as it is, but some variation can always make things interesting.

Crossposting, sorry I'm F can't edit title!

Hi Reddit, I’m here for suggestions and options to my current situation. It’s kinda long so bare with me please!

For context, I’m in a medium distance relationship with my now boyfriend, we’re two states away, and I plan on moving to his area next year (I did so before we met, better career prospects for the long term). We’re both early 30s and met on a dating app in the summer when I was in his city and have maintained our connection and became exclusive until now. He’s a really sweet, funny, and considerate guy, we are aligned in the important ways and our personalities are complimentary in ways that can go the distance to me which is why I want to see if this is workable.

Were from the same country of origin, though he grew up there and came here for grad school while I was born and raised in the US. He’d been in a few relationships while I haven’t really and was in fact a virgin (in my early 30s lol yep!) when we got together. However I’m in tune with my body and can have a vaginal orgasm just squeezing my pelvic muscles, no hands. I understand we’re learning each other so I’m extending grace, and he is open to learning how I want to be pleased.

He’s a really great kisser and we’ll spend at least 30mins-hours making out without sex on the table like teens lol. He didn’t know I was a virgin until right before he was about to penetrate me so we’ve been spending our Thanksgiving break trying to get it right as I’m kinda tight.

So he’s maybe 5-5.5 ins which I know is avg, said doesn’t like condoms (non negotiable for me too bad lol), doesn’t stay hard for too long, and cums kinda quick (he hadn’t had sex in about 2 yrs before we got together).

While he loves kissing and can do that for a while, his idea of foreplay is sucking my titties for a few mins then trying to penetrate. I’ve told him I need a bit more warming up beforehand but it seems like he’s impatient and wants penetration as soon as he’s hard as he knows he won’t stay hard long with the condom on. His size is fine for blowjobs, I can deep throat him comfortably but I can barely feel him in penetration (partly because he has trouble entering as I’m not as wet). He’s been successful (penetration and orgasm for him) only in doggystyle like position with lube, which is how I lost my virginity lol but other positions not so much.

He’s very open to blowjobs of course lol but I have to assert that I want him to go down on me as that’s how most women cum (no issues with scent, I have my pineapples on deck and am really only open to this right after a shower). I coached him through what feels good to me (I’ve received oral before) and he was receptive but then he stopped and smiled at me when I was about to orgasm ugh lol like if your mouth is tired use your fingers but he thinks using his fingers will hurt me when I told him it’s more than fine.

I want us to have great sex, I’d been looking up ways to be a good sex partner beforehand and was prepared to move in sync during missionary, ride like Beyoncé in Partition on top, and throw my ass back in doggy (which I did lol) but the issues above are blockers. I was really wet the one time I was on top grinding him as foreplay but was not able to insert his penis still due to my tightness.

So my actual questions lol

• What can my boyfriend do to maintain his erection? He hasn’t watched porn in years nor does he masturbate frequently.
• What can my boyfriend do to delay his orgasm? I feel like he’s making up for lost time and wants to cum as many times as possible while we’re together since we’re still medium distance geographically
  • When he cums though he’s done, I’ve seen guys give oral after to make sure the woman cums but he’s been wanting to cuddle after while asking me if I’m having fun lol
  • I’m probably going to suggest oral after he cums because I haven’t cum with him once and it’s a bit frustrating esp knowing I can make myself come with no hands in minutes
• I’m going to relay the fact that I’d really like it for him to touch my clit and play with my pussy more before trying to penetrate me as it’ll make it easier since I’ll be more wet. Any other suggestions here for foreplay?
• Are there other positions to recommend so that I can feel all of him once we do get penetration right? He can really only get the tip in so far but this also goes back to the foreplay issue

Hi, wife said she is willing to be more adventurous sexually but would like to take it slowly. I am a guy so that is not computing with my brain 😂. It seems everything I want to try is levels ahead but she is shy when talking about sex so I don't know what she likes, only what I think she does. So my question for you is, are there any resources that give a step by step guide on sex by levels. Would like to start with basics and move up slowly.

To give an example, I brought a blindfold and she loved it. Would really like her to explore sexuality as I feel she has very negative thoughts about sex and I see it more like a fun thing we do.

Any advice is welcome. Thank you.

She used to love oral sex but has let her pubic hair get completely out of control and is uncomfortable having me eat her out with a full bush. She always wants to go right from making out to penetration because “it’s a jungle down there” but also never finds the motivation to trim. I do not care if she has pubic hair; my unspoken preference is shaved or at least curated but I miss eating her out.

My (M31) partner (F32) is interested in soft/gentle dom, bedroom only not lifestyle. I feel very comfy asking her what she likes and doesn't like to figure this out. But, I also thought this community may have advice or resources they'd recommend for learning how to be a better soft dom or tips/ideas?

I looked around in the subreddit and online and couldn't really find anything that helpful. Would appreciate any suggestions!

All right, sexy people, what have you been up to? Let’s hear all about the good, bad, funny, weird, fun, and amazing things that have happened!

I’ve been seeing a guy for a few months and we’re open about previous relationships and our sexual experience. We’re very kink positive and so far, I think the sex has been amazing.

Yesterday he mentioned a previous partner and off the cuff added that they had great sex. It’s not the first time he’s mentioned that the sex was ‘amazing’ or ‘great’ with someone he used to sleep with. It’s not said in an insensitive or out of context way, and it’s (up until now) not fazed me.

But after he said that yesterday, I asked if our sex was great. Probably shouldn’t have even asked the question but it was almost hypothetical and said in jest because I honestly thought ours was. He also asked me the day before if he was the best lover I’d had, again in jest, to which I showered him with praise. But when I asked him, he paused, and then said ‘I’m going to decline to answer that’. I wasn’t even asking or expecting to be the best he’d ever had, but just if he classed sex with me in the same way he describes a lot of his previous partners.

We’ve spoken about it since and he’s tried to explain what he means, but it pretty much got left with him giving me a hug and telling me we have ‘good sex’, but very explicitly NOT using ‘great’ or ‘amazing’. Then he caveated that by telling me I’m a much nicer person than said ex, as if to make me feel better. Like instead of saying, but I love it when you do xyz, he focuses on my… personality. I don’t think I could have felt less sexy in that moment.

Its just left me confused and deflated because I don’t know what else I can do for it to be ‘great’. I’m very open minded, attentive, we’re open about kinks and exploring or plan to explore everything. Every time we have sex I dress up in something he’s requested, I ride him, I love anal, we mix it up. I always make sure I’m shaved, freshly showered, fully exfoliated, moisturised, well groomed etc. We communicate a lot and discuss what we liked, didn’t like, what we want, and I always take note of this for next time.

I just don’t know what more I can do? I’m a sexual person but this has made me feel unsexy and mediocre in bed. And it’s flattened my sex drive. Knowing that when we have sex it’s far from blowing his mind is not exactly making me want to jump back into bed with him, it’ll be on my mind the whole time. I feel a bit of a fool doing all these things, dressing up, being confident whilst this entire time it pales in comparison to others. I feel sexiest when I feel that my partner desires me, and this has knocked my confidence a lot.

I feel like from an effort, intimacy, variety aspect, I can’t do anymore than I’m doing, which only leaves one or two things that could be ‘dampening’ the experience. It’s triggered a lot of body issues, and has me questioning parts of my body, am I tight enough, is there something about my boobs that turns him off a bit, or am I just not very good at sex and lack skills. It’s left me feeling as though I’m the ‘really nice’ girlfriend, and not someone who really turns him on or excites him.

I want to overcome this but it’s left me feeling very inadequate, especially as it’s not like I lie there like a silent star fish or only want to do one position! I worry that if he says at some point that the sex is amazing, I know I’ll struggle to believe it because it’ll be like he’s just trying to make me feel better.

TLRD - partner doesn’t think sex with me is as good as previous partners even though I’m doing everything I can think of. It’s knocked my confidence quite a bit, and I don’t know what more I can do to make it better sex, or how to move past his comments.

I (40M) have been with my partner (40F) for 20 years and as our lives have become more complicated and intimacy has gotten hard to find time and enery for, I’ve noticed I only feel really reconnected when she touches my twig and berries. It’s like the volume is turned down, muffled, with hugs, snuggles, or handholding but it’s in surround sound Dolby when my junk is massaged. A direct line to feeling loved, wanted, chosen, and connected.

Does anyone feel this or are you partnered with some who needs this? Any suggestions on how to communicate this without dismissing all the loving PG moments we have? Anyone struck out when communicating something like this? Any landmines to avoid?

Long story short - 11 year relationship with my (33) husband (35). Intimacy is an issue. We haven’t been in a good place for a few months but that’s a whole different story..

I just got off psychiatric meds for the first time in 8 years. My libido has skyrocketed. I’ve resorted to masturbating pretty much daily sometimes multiple times a day. But now the porn I’m watching is just making me want to get fucked like crazy. Like I fantasize about it during the day. I think about random men. Exes. You name it.

There was a point where I was worried about “love making” but fuck that. Now I’m sexually frustrated. My husband and I are at odds. He won’t do what I’ve begged him to do. He obviously doesn’t care. And now idk what to do bc I have this crazy itch with the inability to scratch it.

My husband’s birthday is a few months away and the last few milestone birthdays have been a range of meh to pretty bad. While I’m off-cycle (for milestone birthday celebrations), I’d like to arrange fun and sexy and sensual entertainment for us in a safe, private setting. This isn’t a euphemism for “let’s hire an escort for a night of small group projects”.

I think a stripper is too, I don’t know, basic? My experience with strippers is light and only at bachelorette and divorce parties. And the entertainers were male; not the ideal arrangement.

Any ideas would be much appreciated! I’m terrible at arranging these things…

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Hello. My name is Brooke Higginbottom. I’m Sociology Master’s student at the University of Victoria (UVic), in British Columbia, Canada. Currently, I am working on my Master’s thesis and am looking for participants for my research study.

I am looking for anyone who has been diagnosed with a sexual disorder/dysfunction or who identifies as having difficulties with sexual functioning (such as perceived low desire, arousal, organism frequency or intensity, and/or the presence of sexual pain) to take a 10–15-minute survey focusing on their experiences and perspectives towards sexual difficulties and healthcare. Survey responses are anonymous and will not be public. Only I and my supervisors will be able to see any responses. If you’d like to participate, here is the link to the survey: https://www.surveymonkey.ca/r/K52BVF2

Please read the consent form at the beginning of the page before starting the survey. Note that you must be over 19 to participate in the study! In addition, if you are interested in participating in an interview, you can provide an email at the end of the survey. Potential interviewees will be selected at random.

This project focuses on those with sexual disorders/sexual difficulties and their experiences within the healthcare systems. Additionally, I will be looking into the ways asexual people experience healthcare systems. As someone who identifies as asexual, I have struggled with accepting and embracing my lack of sexual desire. Before learning about asexuality, I spoke to a doctor about my situation, but the experience wasn’t fulfilling. Now, I am curious as to the experiences of others in similar situations.

This research will promote healthier viewpoints of sexual arousal, address potential stigma within the healthcare system and society, further improve understandings of asexuality, and combat bigoted assumptions. It is my hope that my research will add further depth and legitimacy to both the experiences of asexuals and those with sexual difficulties. I hope that from this project, a healthier distinction between these two identities will be drawn and that we will move towards normalizing lower sexual desire/attraction.

If you want to know more about me, my study, my reasoning for this research topic, or have any further questions, please contact me at brookehigginbottom@uvic.ca. or my supervisors, Dr. Thea Cacchioni at tcacchio@uvic.ca or Dr. Steve Garlick at sgarlick@uvic.ca.

I'm going to do anal tonight for the first time and we've had many attempts that didn't work, so I'm trying to prepare so I don't chicken out again lol. I bought an enema just so I don't have the fear of poop distracting me and just to feel more confident, but idk how far in advance to do it? And like is there a certain amount of time I should avoid eating?

Also I have an indica body butter that we've used as regular lube before and that was a very fun experience, so do you think it would translate to the butt? Maybe even help some of the pain? I have a warming lube, but I'm afraid if there's any tearing it'll burn lol.

I've (39m) been with my partner (41f) for multiple years with a short break. I've never been able to last very long with her and my orgasms often sneak up on me. It's baffling.

During the break I dated someone else and I could last for as long as I wanted, typically only having an orgasm when I decided to. That partner had to work very hard to give me an orgasm.

The gap between that relationship and restarting things with my partner was about a month. Initially, my confidence was high and my stamina was better than before but not as good as when I was dating someone else. It quickly relapsed and has been very unsatisfying for us for some time now.

My testosterone is good, I'm fit, I'm taking supplements, taking Cialis, lifting weights, running, eating decently well, meditating, doing individual therapy, doing couples/sex therapy, masturbating with a timer, and I've been seeing a pelvic floor PT to loosen up my tight pelvic floor (reverse kegels, happy baby pose, fascial release).

Still, problems persist, and I continue to be confused about why I would need to do any of these things when I had no problems with my erection or stamina with a different partner.

The partner I performed well with had more natural lubrication and was physically crazy about me. I liked her but not like she liked me. We had sex almost every day. My current partner has less natural lubrication, we both love each other and are attracted to each other, but she has sexual trauma and a lower sex drive. On average we’ve been having sex twice a month at best. We’re both becoming less and less likely to initiate because it’s been so difficult.

Is this all in my head? Sex is the most prominent problem in our relationship and it feels like a downward spiral. The more I think about it and the more we talk about it the more difficult it gets.

Has anyone experienced something similar? How did you get through it? I could really use ideas or stories to inspire hope.

Need advice. It's no secret that we are turned on by soft swapping and same room sex. The Mrs. has told me that she would definitely full swap with our friends who live on the Oregon coast. They are mid sixties and still fit. They're both writers/journalists, you know, the cerebral type who moved from the East coast to the West coast a few years back. Both are sexually active and have very kinky backgrounds. The problem is that they have no idea of our fantasy. We flirt with them in an innocent way. We're going to see them this Thanksgiving weekend. How do you suggest we approach the subject? When I agreed to seeing them, I said we should definitely make a move. The Mrs. is really horned up at the prospect to the point that she's scheduled drinks and weed with them. The last few nights of our sex has been awesome because she likes to talk about fucking other people and when I start talking about swapping with them she has a really strong orgasm. Any advice is appreciated.

For context, I’m a 35 year old full time single mom. Divorced for nearly 5 years and single for the last 2 years (one 2 year relationship in between.)

I had a first date last night with a 35 year old, seems like he has a good job and settled life, conversation had been very good leading up to it and we had both eluded to a possibility of intimacy if we thought the date went well. I was open to it as it’s been a hot minute since I’ve gotten any action and I’m not super concerned with it effecting the possibility of a long term relationship. If it happens great, if not, oh well.

So we met at a bar near his house, had a drink, tried to find another place without much luck so he invited me over. Things were great, conversation was good. I was very comfortable and enjoying myself.

Eventually things got more flirty, he kissed me and things escalated from there. I was fully naked, he was down to his underwear. He was very enthusiastic about pleasing me, which he did several times. I was attempting to reciprocate and every time I tried to touch him, he would reposition himself out of my reach. I couldn’t tell if he was being respectful or if he just wanted to draw things out a bit more.

After I had finished a few times, he said “I’ve never done it, but I would like to.” He then started making comments about trying some sex toys so then I gaslit myself into thinking THAT is what he’s never done. I’m thoroughly confused, he finishes me again and still will not allow me to do anything for him.

Finally, he starts masturbating himself and finishes on me. I’m fine with this, he was kind and attentive, not at all disrespectful or anything that made me uncomfortable. We clean up and within probably 10-15 minutes of laying on the couch and talking, he says “well I do have to be up really early for work.” Essentially asking me to head out. I’d prefer a little more aftercare but again, I’m not overly concerned as this was the first time and it always takes time to get into a good flow with someone new.

What I’m struggling with is now I am almost positive that when he said he’s never done it, I feel that he has never done IT. I’m not entirely opposed to the idea, not at all judgmental but I am really, really confused on how to proceed. Obviously, there needs to be a conversation because while I am ok with waiting until he’s comfortable/ready, I am definitely not ok with foreplay only for an extended period of time. If he’s waiting for say, marriage, that’s a major dealbreaker for me, idk if I even want to get married again.

I did enjoy my time with him, he’s sweet and funny and kind. I don’t know how to bring it up without making him feel bad but I do need to know what he’s looking for before I’m comfortable seeing him again. This is absolutely uncharted territory for me, I haven’t dated a virgin since I was a teenager 😆 Help! Any advise or ideas to help me process this would be very welcome!

All right, sexy people, what have you been up to? Let’s hear all about the good, bad, funny, weird, fun, and amazing things that have happened!

Is there a way to modify coital alignment technique for the woman to be on top? It keeps almost working and I feel it on the brink of being almost incredible, but it would be much easier if I could be fully in control of angle and pressure.

We have pretty good communication when it comes to asking for what we need and he's never said anything out loud, but I feel like if I'm spending the whole time giving directions it's distracting for me, and even worse I can feel his ego deflating and it becomes almost like a task that needs completed and neither of us have fun lol. But I think if we get it down with me being the one to fine tune it first, it'll be easier to translate it to the normal cat.

I’ve come for some advice, mostly for a women’s perspective if that’s ok.

My question boils down to: has anybody gotten over orgasm issues without masturbation?

My wife and I have been dealing with sexual issues for years. She can’t orgasm, hid that from me, and upon telling me, expected me to figure it out for her.

She has since tried to engage with her sexuality, and I seriously appreciate the pressure it takes off me. She’s reading books now, listening to podcasts and occasionally audio erotica on her commute home. She even took some mindfulness and sexual health classes.

My fear is that she’s looking for an easy panacea.

There’s still a huge pressure on me to experiment with her body, find out what she likes, explore dirty talk on behalf of her. I wish she would physically take some of this off me and masturbate more than a couple times a year.

Her masturbation experience often ends in frustration and disappointment. I totally get that she’s not eager to experiment. It’s a chore to her, and that sucks. She doesn’t want to try when I’m out for an evening, and prefers when I’m traveling for work. So she might try to get off once every three or four months. I don't often ask but she knows I'd like her to.

According to her, she doesn’t need to orgasm to enjoy sex. I totally get that. I feel the same way. It’s about the flirting and the connection.

However, I’ve got serious trust issues here. A year after telling me she’s never been able to orgasm, I’m told she lied again. She wasn’t working on it and still expected me to figure it out for her. She’s been all talk and no action for five years now, her words. She keeps saying she’s only getting started.

Our sex life suffered and my work alone wasn't enough to help.

In the six months or a year she’s really tried flirting and getting back into our sex life, I’m sorta blindsided. I feel like she’s just doing it to keep me around. I’m numbed out.

I could trust her intent if I knew she was finally having orgasms, and that she actually, physically, got something from our bedroom.

But right now, nothing’s really changed. Just her willingness to engage.

So my question is: is she right? Does masturbation not matter, and do things work themselves out when you both love each other, give each other space, enjoy the kind of sex you have? Could you truly get lost in a sex life that didn’t bring you over the edge?

Or are we both stringing ourselves along? Did she feel me give up after five years of trying, and do just enough to keep the relationship together?

My “nail on the head” brain would tell me to masturbate every day until I crack the code, but I know it must be really hard to learn your body while in a relationship. I would love for her to bring her lust and desires to the bedroom physically.

Thanks for reading such a long post. This community has been really great at helping me work through this. We got together young and reading other people’s experiences has been a great education.

Edit:

Thanks for the replies, it’s especially great to hear another perspective.

I thought I’d clarify why I want my wife to do the work in discovering her sexuality + masturbating.

She’s spent an awful long time pretending to desire sex with me. It severely damaged us. In the last six months she’s had more desire for me than ever and I don’t believe it. I want her to be impelled by her own pleasure, rather than pushed because she think’s I’ll leave.

We’ve really not been focusing on orgasms for years. Sure I tried, but completely stopped when she changed from “you can’t get me off like I can get me off” to “I can’t orgasm”. Now it’s just about enjoying some intimacy, a flirty cuddle with no pressure. I still constantly try new things, without making a big deal, that might turn her on and add more pleasure for her.

I also don’t need her to cum during sex, although I’d love that. I need her to find what she likes in sex, and bring that energy into our bedroom. Enthusiasm for her own pleasure!

When she first told me she wasn’t “orgasming as strong anymore”. I hit the books, asked her what she needed. Trying to not put pressure on her, but still experiment on behalf of us both, with successes and failures. Getting toys, slowly re-introducing basic fantasies, taking a step back and rebuilding.

Our sex life is built out of those successes, and I’m tired of being the person to lead our bedroom.

The first few years we had kinky sex that I loved. Then she dripped the truth to me over years, sending me down rabbit holes so I’d shut up about it: she wasn’t having as strong orgasms anymore; she didn’t like initiating; she didn’t like talking about sex or flirting anymore; she didn’t get herself off as much as she said; get married and hear she actually can’t orgasm at all; she was just following what I liked and wasn’t ever into our bedroom.

After all that I need something concrete to hold onto. I want a sex life in which I feel invited. This new sense of desire from her feels fake and I’d hoped all this “discover your orgasm through masturbation” advice we read would’ve helped.

And maybe I'm wrong, we're inexperienced, and I should seek other forms of validation from her.

Hey everyone :)

40F here - I could never climax via penetration. I've been married 20 years with someone who was emotional and psychologically abusive (married young, didn't know better). He was the first I ever had penetration sex with.

I did have a boyfriend in my teens before my marriage and we did make each other climax (via clitoral stimulation).

Now I'm with someone new, he's great in bed - he makes me feel safe and he's very emotionally healthy and our connection runs really deep.

It bothers me that I still cannot climax easily. Even with clitoral stimulation, I have to do it myself.

It's almost also like I don't relax completely?

Despite knowing the fact that most women cannot reach climax with penetration, his past girlfriends have been able to. So.... he's kinda stumped here with me.

He's more than willing to "help" by learning what pleasures me. But it doesn't help if what pleasures me most is myself...? I'm worried it's because for the past 20 years, that's all I was used to as my ex husband never got me off. :( now that there's an amazing man in my life (who is also wonderfully neurodivergent as am I!), I'm so sexually stunted....

Both of us are givers. I will be aroused when he is aroused. But then he goes into "performance mode" which is to try to get me off but then he loses his hardness and that in turns makes me anxious/ panicked.

I don't want to end up having to masturbate each time we have sex. Any advice?

Is penetration orgasm something that you either can or cannot do? And not something that you can "work towards"?

Has anyone tried OMGYES? Is it worth it? I am about to click on purchase soon.

All right, sexy people, what have you been up to? Let’s hear all about the good, bad, funny, weird, fun, and amazing things that have happened!

Every week, we offer this thread as a way for people to ask simple/basic questions from the sub’s readership.

Post topics that typically are removed from the main feed – polling-style questions, common topics questions, etc. – are generally allowed in here. Story posts however do not belong here.

The thread stays pinned throughout the week for people’s convenience. Ask away!

Hi Redditors,

x-posting to several subs where I’ve recruited from. Pretty well every place I posted asked for an update of findings, and here it is!

David de Jong (assoc. prof, Western Carolina U) here with an update on a study for which I believe I recruited from here, about two years ago. In a nutshell: Solo masturbation, for how common it is, is very understudied. We don’t know much about why people masturbate (ie, motives), or the correlates of those motives. . Across many types of behavior, lots of research tells us that motives for doing something is associated with how people experience that behavior. So, I figured I’d develop a measure of motives for masturbation and see what the correlates might be.

The motives that we considered and had the most explanatory power (ie, best able to account for variance in motives) were: fantasy (to imagine/fantasize about sexy things), pleasure/arousal (‘cause one is horny, wants pleasure), compulsion (feeling compelled, no choice, can’t stop), improvement (to learn things, improve partnered sex), sexual dissatisfaction (unhappy w/ partnered sex, amount or quality), coping (to deal with negative emotions), efficiency (cause it’s quicker/easier than partnered sex), and avoidance of risky sex (cause partnered sex might cause me problems).

Ordered from most to least strongly endorsed (and a couple of these were not significantly different from each other in mean level): Pleasure/Arousal, Fantasy, Efficiency, Coping, Improvement, Dissatisfaction, Compulsion, Avoidance of Risky Sex.

There were some interesting correlations, most that we predicted in advance (and might sound obvious, but were worth confirming). For example, high sex drive folks tended to report fantasy and pleasure/arousal motives most strongly, and tended to report more consistent orgasms during M.

Compulsion motive, as expected, was associated with higher religiosity (ie, religious folks tend to think they can’t control their impulse to masturbate), negative attitudes towards M, and reports of having lower self control. Of course, an interesting question here is whether these folks really can’t control the impulse, or if they just feel bad about the impulse and/or masturbating. Considering the negative attitudes held, many of these folks seem to believe that they shouldn’t, try not to, and feel bad about it. I find this one of the particularly interesting findings with all sort of possible directions for future studies. Eg, to explore exactly why M is viewed as bad from a religious perspective, etc. From this and other work, it’s clear that it’s a real struggle for many folks, and regardless of one’s personal beliefs, suffering is no fun. A relevant piece might be that many folks seem to believe that sexual urges can be suppress via sheer willpower, and lots of research tells us that emotions don’t suppress easily—or at all. So some of that suffering could be alleviated via sex ed. Which is obvious a fraught topic in some circles, especially religious ones. Thanks my discussions on some of the religious subs I posted the study invite to, this has become a greater interest of mine.

People who endorsed coping motive tended to report higher levels of depression/anxiety and loneliness. This raises interesting questions…as far a coping strategies go, masturbating might be better than some others (eg, drugs, risky partnered sex, etc.). Of course, one might want several coping strategies at one’s disposal; masturbation probably has some uniquely self reinforcing properties that might lead to overreliance on it, speculating here, def worth more research.

My standard disclaimer: lots of limitation, it’s all correlational, directions of causation cannot be determined, non-representative sample precludes knowing a bunch of things, yada yada. But the sample was large, age and religiosity was pretty diverse, participants came from many places (not just reddit, and definitely not from just one sub), and I feel confident that this is a good step towards better understanding the whys and hows of masturbation. I’m working on a bunch of other studies on the topic, hope to recruit again from here and elsewhere. Happy to try to answer questions, but I’m trying to juggle lots of stuff (particurly more studies into M), so I might take a bit to get back. Welcome to float any ideas for other aspects of this to study.

Here’s a link to the paper if you want the details:

https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/1462nwma1odxkayfqzmw5/de-Jong-Adams-2024-Mast-Motives-w-Supplement.pdf?rlkey=p8f8evmc9e58dmls091dbihh6&dl=0

Anyways, if you’re interested, the discussion section is probably the most fun part of the paper to read, also the most speculative. A big thanks to everyone who has participated in this and my previous studies. Also a bit thank you to the mods of the subs I’ve posted to, some of whom asked of me very though provoking questions, and who volunteer their own time to keep subs functioning well. A special thanks to the folks in some of the religious subs who raised many interesting ideas, and helped my curiosity in the religious angles evolve and grow.

David de Jong—Western Carolina University

Despite being a guy in my late 30s , I won't get too far along one hand counting the number of sexual partners I've had.

With the last GF I did well I think, but I'm sure it can be better.

What do you suggest? Any links to a good general "guide" you'd recommend? I know it'll be different for everyone too, but I'm sure there's plenty that's universally worth aiming for.

Ideally from the point of being clothes on all the way to the cuddle afterwards.

I have searched on here a fair bit and the conclusion from general posts seems to be; foreplay and patient oral, not just a couple of minutes of it*. Both of which work for me! And of course being present and your best to see how your partner is reacting.

*A bonus tip for women; I often see women complaining that the guy tries it, then quickly gives up. Having been in that inexperienced position, it's often not initially clear they're enjoying it, so I'd say it's worth making it very clear early on; just some moans even if it's just starting and intense but you're looking forward to what's coming, or "ohhhh, that is/was sooooo nice".

This is a long story I'll try to keep it short, but please know there are inevitably details being left out.

We are both in our early 40s. Married for 10+ years with multiple kids. Up until a couple of years ago, we did have a sex life, but it was generally unfulfilling for both of us. I have a higher libido than my wife, but more importantly she has/had a bunch of unprocessed sexual trauma in her past that was/is a big blocker for her to fully (mentally and physically) participate in sex.

So, we went though motions for a while. It wasn't enough sex for me and also I could tell she wasn't fully into it. And of course we had the additional factor of young children to throw a wrench into things. This would lead to a negative cycle where it would cause conflict, we'd eventually make peace (because we love each other a ton), but ultimately fall back into the same patterns, because we weren't equipped to do anything else.

This started to change a few years ago, when I hit my 40s and realized that this is not what I wanted the rest of my life to look like. Our kids were becoming more independent, but our sex life had not made progress. I started working on myself more and communicated that we need to really try to solve this issue, or I wasn't sure whether we were compatible, long-term, especially when the kids were older. Long story short, we started couples counselling and both did IC as well. My wife started to work through her trauma and also put in work to try and discover her sexuality. You see, my wife was (and to some degree still is) not a very sexual person. She has never really masturbated (she has tried, with the prodding of her therapist, but it's not something she would choose to do on her own) and she has never had an orgasm, solo or with a partner (and I am not her first partner).

Through the therapy, both of us putting in genuine effort, we have made a lot of progress. Is our sex life where I would like it to be? No. But it's come so far that it's no longer threatening our marriage. We have sex roughly once a week now and my wife seems to reach new levels of arousal each time. I can tell that she's really present with me. She makes genuine sounds of arousal (moans, etc.) and actively participates. Before, she would be super quiet and completely in her head, to try and get through the experience.

One piece that is still a challenge for us is my wife's arousal. While I understand that she may never find a way to orgasm, I do want to try my best to help her achieve that feeling. So far, she has been unsuccessful to do it on her own (though I don't think she tries often) or with me.

The thing that she finds most arousing and that gets her closes is when I use my finger(s) to stimulate her clit, basically my flicking it rapidly using finger motion. If I combine this with some penetration, either PIV or using my other hand, this is what gets her most aroused and at times she has felt really close to climax.

Other techniques do not work as well. I love giving oral, but she's not a big fan of receiving it. She will let me and she says that it feels good, but not as good as the other technique and I can tell that she gets aroused, but nowhere close to climaxing. Part of it is that she feels uncomfortable with someone down there. I've heard that can be a blocker for some women.

We have also tried some toys. A simple bullet vibrator and also the womanizer 2.0 suction thing. The vibrator has never felt great for her. The suction one does arouse her, but again, she says it doesn't feels as good as my manual stimulation.

This means that our typical sex pattern is this: we start making out and I will start to manually stimulate her clit. I do this with some lubricant on my fingers. Usually one hand stimulate the clit and the other does some penetration play. It varies how long we do this, but probably 10 minutes on average. Once she's really aroused, she will want me inside of her. Often I will lay behind her and penetrate that way, while my one hand stay by her clit and stimulates her that way. The penetration combined with the clitoral stimulation will also be really arousing for her and we've come really close to her orgasming this way. Sometime we will switch positions to her on top, or me on top (missionary) and that feels good for both of us. However, in those situations I can't as easily stimulate her clit, so while it feels good, it's not at the same level as the other position. We might average 10-15 minutes of penetration before I come inside (no condom, I'm snipped). She loves the feeling of me cumming inside. That's another big source of arousal for her.

So, a typical session might last 20-30 minutes and for most of that time, I'm using my fingers to stimulate her clit. Here's our recent problem: I have developed tennis elbow in this arm and I'm pretty sure it's from this activity. I am in PT for this injury (though I haven't dared tell the therapist how I acquired it) and it's like any other chronic injury, it's need ice, rest, and strengthening. I probably don't need to say this, but just in case, I'm very good physical shape for my age, this isn't a situation where someone generally inactive is ramping up into new levels of activity. The problem is mainly that moving my finger back and forth, rapidly, for long periods of time, is really taxing on my tendons.

So now, we're in a bind. We still want to have sex, but I can't do the thing that my wife finds more arousing than anything. That's what brings me here. Ideas for what else we could try. Part of me also feels like she should be more responsible for her own arousal (I have had sex with woman, prior to being married, who would stimulate their own clit during sex, for example). Should we be looking at other toys? Trying more oral to see if it can become better for her? Should my wife be leaning into therapy and homework to become better at arousing herself? All of these things?

Long-term, I want to recover from the tennis elbow (not just for sex, it's a crappy injury to have in life in general!), strengthen it, and hopefully sill be able to do some clit stimulation in the future, but I don't think it would be wise for me to have that be our main technique, going forward. Your suggestions are welcome.

All right, sexy people, what have you been up to? Let’s hear all about the good, bad, funny, weird, fun, and amazing things that have happened!

Hi, I'm hoping to get some advice and direction on how I can overcome a couple of different, but linked issues.

1. My penis seems to be desensitised to physical touch, or at least most types physical touch, especially when a partner is doing it.

It all certainly feels good, and I'm very mentally turned on, and I enjoy it, but to get and maintain an erection I pretty much need to stimulation myself, in my default way of masturbating, right hand, friction strokes.

I pretty much don't get an erection at all during foreplay, until I stimulate myself, and then to maintain the erection, I need her to keep stimulating me or I'll lose it within 30 seconds or so.

Is there a way to become more sensitive and become physically aroused to more variety of stimuli (foreplay, kissing, non-genital touch)?

2. The second issue is, I rarely, if ever reach orgasm with a partner.

Again, I really enjoy all forms of stimulation, and there are fleeting moments during oral or penetrative sex that I feel like I'm heading towards an orgasm, but it's always very fleeting.

And quite often with the same repetitive touch I'll get over-stimulated and feel quite sensitive, or the area will go sort of numb, and I completely lose arousal, although my erection will remain, but it just stops feeling good. It's damn frustrating for both of us.

The only way I can reliably orgasm is by stimulating myself with fast friction strokes, and I suspect that this could be part of the problem. I try to avoid the "death grip", but I certainly need a good amount of speed to get there, probably more speed than I could achieve while having sex, or a partner could maintain.

What I've tried so far:

• I have tried to pleasure myself in different ways, like touching different parts of my body, and penis in different ways, but I really don't derive much pleasure from this at all, and I get really bored, so motivation is pretty low.
• Porn use is pretty minimal as of late. I used to be a daily porn user through my teens and 20s (before we knew about the dangers of such frequent use), and I've actually decided recently to just not use porn at all. That said, if I do use porn, I can get an erection and cum pretty quickly and easily.

So that's the story, and I'm wondering, which course of action would be best?

I'm conflicted about whether I should completely avoid masturbation altogether for a while. I can sort of see both sides to this, but I've found in the past when I've stopped for like a week or two, that I start to feel less horny in general, and I don't want that.

A few side notes also worth adding.

1. I feel mentally aroused and horny, a lot, it just doesn't translate into physical arousal, unless I physically stimulate myself.
2. Weed and some psychedelics (mushrooms and 2CB) get me insanely turned on, and my physical arousal system is highly sensitive. I use both of these substances sparingly, not in addictive ways. On weed for example, I really enjoy self pleasuring, and I can have multiple, non-ejaculatory orgasms.

Long story short I am so in my head about this. I can get hubby to the finish line but always seem to botch the orgasm. I switch what I'm doing, I panic about it, I ignore any direction he gives and I just don't know how to stop. This wasn't always a problem but I'm struggling to remember what I used to do that worked. I know it's alot of overthinking and not wanting to do the wrong thing in the moment, and that's ultimately what I need to fix. Any suggestions are appreciated.

All right, sexy people, what have you been up to? Let’s hear all about the good, bad, funny, weird, fun, and amazing things that have happened!

I’m a 40-year-old male, and my wife of over 20 years is 43. From the start of our relationship, we’ve always had a disparity in our libidos—mine being high and hers being low. Honestly, at times, I’ve wondered if she might be asexual because of how little she seems to think about or desire sex.

When we were younger, things were more exciting. We had fun, and while the libido gap was always there, it didn’t feel as significant. We used to dream about our future, imagining how in our 40s we’d finally have the time and freedom to explore sexually—whether that meant trying new things together or even venturing into fantasies like resorts or cruises.

But life happened. Raising kids, work, and other stressors took over. Our sex life became less frequent, and now it feels like it’s just me keeping it alive. I initiate 99% of the time, and even when she “initiates,” it’s as simple as rolling over and saying, “Want to do it?” Every time we’re intimate, it’s the same routine. I’ve tried everything—new ideas, being patient, talking openly—but it’s exhausting feeling like there’s no passion from her side.

She enjoys sex once it starts and usually gets off before me, but she doesn’t seem to think about it outside of those moments. She has no fantasies, no kinks, and no real desire to try new things. When I ask her what excites her, she says she can’t imagine fantasizing about anyone else—even celebrities. Her rare instances of masturbation involve thinking about us together, which I appreciate, but it’s hard to relate to her lack of interest in exploring anything beyond that.

Meanwhile, I crave feeling desired. I want to know that she wants me, that she’s excited about us, and that there’s passion. She tells me she finds me attractive, but she struggles to show it in ways that feel meaningful to me. It’s reached the point where I feel like if I didn’t make a move, we could go months without sex.

To complicate things further, in the past few years, I was diagnosed with ADHD (combined type) and borderline personality disorder (BPD), while my wife has autism. I’ve noticed her sensory sensitivities seem to have intensified recently—she can’t tolerate kissing on the mouth most days, and making out is completely off the table. This adds another layer of difficulty, as I feel like I’m losing more and more connection points with her.

I desperately want to reignite some spark between us. I want to feel obsessed with her and for her to feel the same about me, but it’s hard when I’m constantly hitting walls in communication and intimacy. I feel like I’ve tried everything: sharing how I feel, asking about her fantasies, suggesting new ideas, and respecting her boundaries, but nothing seems to make a difference.

TL;DR: My wife of 20 years has a very low libido, while mine is high. She enjoys sex when we have it but never initiates, has no fantasies or kinks, and doesn’t seem motivated by intimacy. I’ve expressed my need to feel desired and connected, but she struggles to show it. Her autism and sensory sensitivities have made physical affection even more challenging. I’m at a loss for how to keep going without feeling unwanted or disconnected.

Any advice, suggestions, or similar experiences would mean a lot.