I have a decent job, good wife and 2 great children. But I’m totally lost in life. I’m 42yrs M. I work 4 days a week and have 1 day a week all to myself while the kids are at school and the wife is at work.

What do i do with this time? I use to go on walks/ hikes but in the winter months i find myself popping a gummy first thing in the morning and riding that out all day. I jerk off a couple of times. But beyond that i do nothing. Nor do i have any idea on what to do. I lack any motivation to do anything.

What would you do with a day off during the week?

My husband and I are approaching 50. For the past year my husband seems to be in the throws of a mid life crisis. He tentatvly hinted at a seperation last January, then never mentioned it again. 2 weeks ago, he said something to the affect of "If this does end in divorce, I don't want it to be messy" and "I don't want to be one of those people that stay together for the kids" He also has been having intimacy issues (Erectile Dysfuction) that is typical for mid life, but it seems to be a hyper focus for him these days. Lastly, We need a new car, have been shopping for awhile, and The next day he tells me he wants the sports car over the family car. My question is how much do I attribute this to a midlife crisis and put up with? I'm not sure I can handle taking a back seat and waiting for him to say I want to split up. Married 16 years. Any advice here?

Life! Mental Tiredness. Physical Tiredness. Feeling like I am existing and not living. Unhappy. Stressed.

I'm a 36-year-old guy in Houston with a good job, great family, and friends... but somehow, I just feel empty inside. No motivation, no spark, no excitement. Been working since I was 16, from odd blue collar jobs to now white collar office job.

I'm not a party animal, never been into drinking or clubbing. I've decided to start working out, hoping to get some endorphins pumping and shake off this lethargy.

But it's not just that. I feel like I'm just going through the motions of life:

Waking up, going to work, coming home, watching TV, sleeping... repeat.

No real purpose, no passion, no fire in the belly.

I'm starting to feel like I'm just sleepwalking through life.

Maybe it's time to have a share my feelings, emotions, and fears? Sometimes just saying it out loud can help?

Anyone else feel like this? How did you break free from this rut?

Perhaps an achievement, a piece of work or an adventure. Have you thought about this and what kind of ideas did you come up with?

I already did a big shifting of gears in my mid 30s when I lost my job, but never got a full engineering degree because I couldn't afford to not work for another 3 years. Now I'm in a mid level go nowhere job that I don't enjoy or take any satisfaction from. I'm pretty limited in what direction I can take my skills without pursuing an engineering degree. Is it too late to start over in something at 47? I was thinking of pursuing IT/ computer science but I don't have much of a tech background so I would be starting from scratch and going into an entry level position in my late 40s. I could see getting into teaching or counseling at this age, but I have no interest in either and tech seems like a different animal. I can't believe I let myself get to this place but here I am. Has anyone else started over this late in the game? Is it possible to do it and find success?

I won’t rant like I did in another post, but I’m 42, and last year I realised I was having a MLC. Thought the guitar I bought at 40 was it, but the existential dread I had last August brought me crashing down.

Very difficult few years, about to be made redundant again, only feel like myself around people from my past like old school mates, but I live miles from any of them and they all have their own lives.

Wanted to apologise to an ex from 20 years ago for how I treated her, and try to reconnect just as I have with friends (my wife’s suggestion), but she isn’t interested because she’s been through some stuff herself, which is fair enough. But for some reason, I’m gutted she won’t meet me for a coffee.

I’m not interested in her. It’s just about trying to clear the air, say sorry, make amends.

All I get told is “you want an affair”, or “you’re not over her”. But that’s just not true. I’d never cheat, and haven’t ever.

I just want to feel like myself again. I feel like life has been a jigsaw building from the inside out, but the last few years, someone has stripped away the inside pieces which I’m now looking for.

I just found this club for sandwich caregivers. Looks like there is a free meeting to check it out next week. Feels like it would be nice to meet some other people in this situation. I think I'm going to check it out and thought I'd share it here as well.

https://www.eventbrite.com/e/the-sandwich-club-monthly-caregiver-club-tickets-1156329455529?aff=park

Middle aged educator for almost 30 years here and always prided myself on “clicking on all cylinders”. Lately, I’m feeling my age and that I’m becoming irrelevant. I feel like I’m repeating my stories, and often forgetting names, previous work conversations, and faces.

Simple math takes full concentration now. Software or phone updates make me cranky. Entitled families make me sad. I loathe changing passwords. I’m losing faith in humanity.

Any tips, apps, books for dealing with this?

My fellow Gen Xers! I'm about to turn 50 and I'm in a slump. Does anyone have any healthy ways to deal with a midlife crisis? 😱

M47 - so am in period of realizing the life inherently is purposeless, and essentially everything we do or not, is completely irrelevant. Obviously not the most encouraging thing to put up, sorry for that. Just sharing thoughts.

But then what??? Thats not really a way to go through life. Most (all) of the "find your purpose" tools I have come across revolve around different way of brainwashing yourself into thinking that you have a purpose and brainwashing yourself into thinking that the stuff you would like to do, is your purpose. Until now I have not bought into it. Just seems to fake to me somehow. It doesnt resonate somehow.

Today I thought, and sorry its hard to explain, that the only way to create some sense of meaning for me, and "meaning" is not really the right word, but because there is no such thing.... but maybe a better way to describe it is to say "reason to live", is just to try to do my best in every moment in life. Accept there is no purpose - and believe me its hard.

But just do my utmost in every single moment in life. If nothing else, I can on my deathbed say that its not for lack of trying.

I have recently started lifting weights. Have always been active, but its been a while since I have been signed up to a gym, because I have found it to be too "dumb". But then I realized that hey, none of what we do, matters, so just do whatever I feel like. So now, I am in the gym just cranking away for no other reason that just to see how far I can take it.

Futile? Yes for sure, but what isnt?

I wanted to write about my own experiences for a long time, in the hope that they help someone somehow. All I will write about is very subjective but maybe parts will resonate with you. I've also added an NSFW tag because I'll talk about some sensitive stuff.

So, I'm M40-ish and am about 1.5 years into an MLC that's, you know, classic, just like in the books. It started with me getting a (completely irrational) idea that my SO of 20 years is planning to leave me. She wasn't planning anything of the sort, my mind just made it up, but it convinced me enough to ruin my health to an extent that forced me to go to the doctors. They investigated everything they could, found nothing and diagnosed me with depression. I was, naturally, prescribed antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication, neither of which I started taking.

About a month into my depressive episode I became convinced that nothing really changed, my SO is not going anywhere, and eventually my depression went away about 90-95%. During the time I did provoke some really weird arguments, accusing her of stuff, which was really not nice, and I'm aware it could have been damaging to the relationship — almost a form of self-sabotage, if you will. There was and still is some anxiety left — I seem to worry a bit more not just about my relationship (which is fine, but somehow I'm convinced I should be finding faults with it) but also just things in life that I didn't use to worry about but now do. Weird. Anyways, anxiety is not the primary thing that MLC caused.

The only thing I can speculate on is there is some dopamine blockade thing going on. When previously some things caused pleasure and some things caused pain, now most things cause no pleasure whatsoever (pain is still here, though). Everything I liked and enjoyed now means nothing. I started frantically searching for things I genuinely enjoy, and I haven't found much. I found that I enjoy massages and physical touch (could be my love language, I haven't thought about it until now), those definitely release the happiness hormone and also for me they started having a sort of sexual subtext which, until recently, I wouldn't even think about.

As part of the whole health panic thing I had my T levels checked and also had an actual diary about libido levels because after this intermittent depression everything just went down, real fast, not just lack of enjoyment but I wouldn't even think about sex during the day, fantasies don't turn me on, it's like this part of life is not important. Which would be very nice not to worry about, but it has co-morbidity with motivation, bone density, blah blah, definitely not to be messed with. Now, here's the funny thing: my T levels are normal. So I attribute this slow-down to lingering depression which is still present in my head. One thing I found which helps dramatically is swimming in a swimming pool. I have a theory about that: I think swimming forces the mind to sort of unload. You're trying not to drown so thinking about stuff that worries you is simply not on the cards. Maybe that's what helps. Maybe it's the sauna that I go to between my swimming intervals.

Fun part: anxiolytics. Yeah, anti-anxiety medication. I tried it and, for me, the results of taking Hydroxizyne (1st-generation antihistamine medication) are quite frankly terrifying. I mean, their effects are like playing russian roulette. First time I took it, I had an overwhelming emotional response, like imagine all your repressed emotions just flood to the surface. It was an extremely weird thing, then I feel asleep and had 12 hours of dreamless sleep. Another time I tried it, I dreamt that (content warning) >!I was outdoors and was feeling uncomfortable because I had a visible erection and felt like I had to hide it somewhere; I then woke in the middle of the night with (surprise) a painful erection in a highly aroused state; it wasn't very nice tbh and it definitely felt like my body has malfunctioned somehow.!<So it's episodes like this that make me stay off this stuff because every time I take it, something weird happens (for example, I once fell asleep at a traffic light, which is insane). Also, this stuff gives me very mild arrhythmia, which isn't that worrying but it's definitely there.

One more thing I noticed is that alcohol no longer has any relaxing effect or any effect: even if I drink like ¹⁄₂ a bottle of wine, yeah, I will be a little discoordinated for like 5-10 minutes but then it just reverts back to normal. It definitely does not have any relaxing effect, anxiety reduction is minimal. It's just not enjoyable anymore. Sugar-containing alcoholic drinks (like cocktails) are still enjoyable because of the sugar (I guess), but I used to just enjoy wine/beer for its taste and now it does nothing for me.

Another feeling I've noticed, and I've been investigating, is that sometimes I have flashbacks of my old enthusiastic self. For example, I was driving on a motorway and I started wondering about some construction ideas in the city, not thinking about anything else: at that exact moment, if only for a few seconds, my former enthusiasm and curiosity came back. It was amazing! It was a kind of "I'm back!" moment, only to very quickly return to the previous condition. I don't know how to go back to that, if I could I would in an instant.

My operating theory about MLC right now is twofold. First of all, it's anxiety, plain and simple. It's the enemy #1 of everything that happens in my life. I'm losing, I can't seem to shake it no matter what I do. Right now I'm on holiday in a warm country in a cozy hotel with my loved ones, yet I lie here thinking about what can go wrong as we make the trip back and the kind of problems I'll be having with home and work life when I get back. It's just annoying but I cannot turn it off. And problem #2 is dopamine realignment. Now I've read about all the cliches: find yourself an 18-year-old g/f, get a motorcycle or an expensive car, run away from family, blah blah. Seems like if I do that, I've lost. There is a winning condition here, and it's in the creation of new dopamine responses which of course implies doing and trying new things.

Thanks for reading.

39 hit and I feel strange.. Like can I still wear that?, what do I do for a hobby now? What do I drive now? Who even am I?!? What do I like to do with my spare time? I feel somewhere in between depression and confusion. I've just hit a wall thinking I've done nothing but chase dopamine up until now and when I look around I'm not sure if I've seen the rewards of that, I feel a little empty and not sure where to go from here... Anyone else felt this as they got older?

I want to buy my mom (55f) a book to help her going through it. She is always living in regret about the past -esp about her marriage- ,anxiety about everything and helplessness about how weak she had become. Although being very intelligent and successful, she gave up her job when she got married. Hope you can help me find a book she would like based on that hint about her life.

Deep sense of longing for more and I don’t know why . I have everything I need though. I’m 49 and my kids are grown, 20 and 23 and doing well . I’m becoming a grandpa to a little girl in just found out . All is good. I love my job but it’s a lot. Recovering alcoholic- 5 yrs AF. I’ve switched addictions from Alcohol to fitness . I became a certified weight loss coach. I went from 360 pounds with cirrhosis and morbidly high blood pressure to 200 pounds and an excellent physical health minus some extra skin from weight loss. I have a beautiful loving wife . We have a strong bond and we have no marital issues except for she’s super stubborn and I am too . Lost both parents in 2023 , 3 months apart.
Just some facts before my question; Why do I feel like I have missed the boat with something? Why are my emotions so controlling now? I seem to have 5 great days , then 2 depressed days . I feel like I should be a much better position in my life and I should be. I drowned in the bottle from the time I was 20 until I was 43 so I definitely made some poor choices, but i promised myself I wouldn’t dwell on it, and I really don’t. I’m proud of that . You can ask anybody about me and they’ll tell you Tim is great. He’s hilarious. He is such a good guy. I always put everyone else first. I’m the least selfish person in the world and sometimes I wish I wasn’t. It seems the past year since I’ve gotten older. My brain seems a lot more scattered and uncertain and emotional roller coasters. I have a therapist. I am going to see for the first time in my life the first week in February. I’m going to try because I’ve personally know two people that have said it change their lives so I’m giving it a go. Thanks for listening. I have a tendency to be long-winded.😂🙏 thanks guys for listening and let me know what you think and let me know if there’s any more of you out there that feel the same way. I don’t necessarily think it’s a midlife crisis. I just think I need to meditate more.

I’m dealing with a stressful job, high anxiety, can’t sleep, may lose my job, vibes my wife may leave me, not much retirement savings, how to pay for kids college expenses, my knees are messed up, full body aches, my kids don’t call me or text me.

Life sucks right now. How about you?

At least I think that’s what this is. Mid 40s. Together 17 years married 13, 2 kids 12 and 10.

A year ago something changed at work that caused a burnout. He started therapy without telling me. Then he started an affair with someone 15 years younger. Broke it off to concentrate on our marriage but didn’t bother coming clean (I knew all along). Finally confessed 4 months ago. Things were good for a few weeks then he ran out of steam. Says he is empty, nihilistic, has no purpose in life. Complete emotional blunting. No internal source of happiness. Cannot access any feelings because “they hurt”. Doesn’t know if he still loves me (although uses every other word). Everything feels like pressure. I’m too intense (especially when I have affair recovery needs).

We were in MC for a while and have since started seeing him separately. He’s just started a new IC. Our MC says he believes he still loves me but is in crisis emotionally.

We finally got to the point where we agreed he needs to move out for a bit as this situation is harming us both. He’s sleeping on a mattress on the floor in an empty apartment that belongs to his brother. He said he doesn’t want to do this but cannot see any other way to work through his shit. Kids devastated (they also know all about the affair).

Revisiting decisions from before we even met. Rewriting the history of our marriage. Why did we have kids. Why did we get married. Why did he make X career choice instead of Y. Whose obligations was he fulfilling rather than doing what HE wants. Who even is he. Etc.

For context, he was always an extremely high functioning (but emotionally not particularly sophisticated) person. 100% decisive, committed, family man. Used to say he didn’t believe in divorce. Any challenges could be worked through.

It is like he has had a brain transplant. Positive points: he is highly motivated to work through whatever his “block” is (his words) to throw himself into rebuilding our marriage and keeping our family together. He WANTS to but is struggling to force himself to do the hard work. Lots of self hate there and toxic shame about his behaviour and the destruction of trust between us. He’s started seeing a new therapist who helped his brother work through a “block”. He’s definitely at rock bottom. There is not any cruelty, contempt, aggression etc between us. I am deeply hurt but still empathetic. I know he thinks the world of me and wants me to be happy, he just cannot find a way through his shit.

I know this sub is full of left behind partners asking for hope and I know that’s what I’m doing too. But does anyone recognise themselves in what I’m writing and has come out the other side?

In the meantime we have agreed in 3 months we will know more. I have set clear boundaries for this period and am focusing on myself and the kids and making sure we are ok. Don’t know what else to do.

Married, young kid, been through good times and bad. Both of our jobs are stressful and most days we’re just tired. Hit a wall at work and realized how few friends I have that aren’t work or family that I can escape to. Have issues with feeling like I belong which I’m seeing a therapist for. Just feels like a grind sometimes. Trying to take it a day at a time.

I believe my husband is in midlife crisis affair. He is a completely different person now. He loved his son so much, now he just leave the house whenever he wants like 2-3 weeks. He saved money for our retirement, but now kept spending on a mistress everyday. All of my friends tell me that he will come back to us someday. I'm hoping so but when I discover his affair, he says everything is his fault. He told me some reasons why he did but never blame on me. I feel strange from what I read about midlife crisis affair. What do you think?

Maybe he is not crazy enough not to come back me someday?(I know it's weird to say)

So it seems that I too am going through this now at the tender age of 44. A lot of things triggered it almost back to back. My youngest child turning 18 and graduating HS and my younger sister passing away at 43. I sold my truck, trailers purchased and car and put my business on autopilot.

Some days I’m just meh and others I’m a little meh. I’ve decided to take my health in my own hands as my father’s side have all passed between 60-63 so I guess it’s safe to say that I’m confronting my mortality as well.

Wish me luck on this journey that has no destination at the moment

Hi everyone

I’m in my late thirties, married, with a young son. I currently live and work in a city that’s a two-hour flight from my hometown. My hometown is in a less economically developed area, but it’s incredibly beautiful and offers a relaxed pace of life.

I have a great career in consultancy, with very good prospects, and I truly enjoy my job, even though it’s demanding. However, a close friend of mine recently decided to move back to our hometown due to limited career opportunities where he was, and this got me reflecting on my own life.

Over the past decade, I’ve been highly focused on work, but I feel I’ve neglected other aspects of life—like deepening my social circle and dedicating more time to my spouse and family. Spending the holidays in my hometown brought up some intense emotions, and I’m wondering if moving back would be a better choice for my family and me.

The idea of my son growing up close to his grandparents and cousins, and living a slower-paced lifestyle, is very appealing. But I know it would also mean taking a more routine, less fulfilling, and lower-paying job.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Would moving back be worth it in the long term, or should I stay where I am and continue pursuing my career?

I’d really appreciate your thoughts and advice.

Thanks

Hi. I can’t believe I’m writing this and it may be jumbled but it will at least be a fascinating read for somebody. Please excuse grammar bc I’m just going to throw this out here as fast as short/sweet as I can. I need help, advice, literally anything to help me maybe understand what is happening.

My (44M) husband just left a few weeks ago. Very shockingly so and pretty much out of the blue. I say pretty much, but there was a hint I’ll get to later.

We have a blended family, my (43F) 3 kids from two prior relationships (2 from marriage ended in early 30’s, and 1 from nightmare of a “relationship” that I stupidly fell into right after the divorce) and his 2 kids (1 from marriage ended in early 30’s, and 1 from nightmare of relationship right after divorce). We married almost 7 years ago after a 6 weeks of dating. I know, I know, but it was beautiful and not insane. We had actually gone to high school together for a time and thus, were “friends” on socials but I don’t remember him. He did remember me. After he exited the 2nd relationship with child #2 bc she was cheating(is married to this person), he “hit me up” so to speak on FB. It was very sweet and he just asked if I’d like to get coffee or a drink sometime. I have never done any online dating and I didn’t really check my DM’s but for some reason I opened this one and for some reason I said yes. We agreed to meet after the holidays and I was still unsure if I would but he was polite and genuine and I was curious, bc I’d honestly never even noticed him on socials. We chatted a couple of times and met after the new year. It was pretty amazing. We did meet at a bar for drinks and some lady even saw us taking and said “You two are going to get married”. Anyway, it was pretty well love at first sight. But not the crazy kind of love or infatuation or hormones. We had so much in common. Our childhoods, our lives up until that point. We just got each other and it went fast from there. Tons of chemistry.

I was in the process of exiting a long dead “relationship” with a diagnosed narcissist and addict, father of my 3rd child. It was difficult to escape this person bc he was abusive and I was afraid, and beaten down a bit but I’m tough and was holding my own, especially after the diagnosis. I always knew it was a him problem and I didn’t take most of his verbal abuse seriously but he had started getting a bit physical and the emotional-type abuse is always hard to not get cut by, even when you know better. At any rate- he was a huge problem but my new husband and I were no strangers to abuse bc of our childhood traumas, which will play a part later. I wanted to try and let my son’s father be in my son’s life bc I knew how hard it was without a father and my older kids from my first marriage had their father in their life. My first marriage ended very amicably and we are still great friends and support each other over a decade later. We didn’t go to court, we agreed on terms of divorce and he has always had our kids pretty much every weekend and times in between when he could. Same with my current husband’s first divorce- amicable and everyone has always shown up and been great parents, centered the kids, etc. So we bonded a bit over our dumb 2nd relationships gone wrong but that wasn’t the thing that brought us together, it wasn’t a focal point for us to heal from these- we were already pretty secure, or so I thought. Our kids are -18 (his), 15 (mine), 13 (mine), 9 (his) & 8 (mine).

That I thought we were healed is on me. He was fine and I believed I was also. And I was as far as having any interest in that person goes, but what hit me like a ton of bricks was, even after knowing the situation I was in with a narc and having had some therapy to deal, I did have a couple of years of ptsd. It snuck up on me as extreme anxiety. My ex’s addiction issues made it eventually impossible to allow him in my son’s life but I really wrestled with that for a long time bc I was afraid of the trauma it would bring my son.

I was abandoned by my father at 5 and then later by mother as a teen. My husband had been left by his bio mother and adopted by her ex-husband and his wife. He didn’t know his bio father until a few years ago. The quickest summary I can give bc I’m already taking forever to get to the current point.

Fast forward to now. My husband lost his adoptive father not long before we met and he lost his adoptive mother 2 years ago to cancer. I lost my baby brother (13 years older then he) when he took his life in a shocking manner in 2020. More traumas to work through. We haven’t done any therapy. His parents left him a bit of inheritance, nothing major but in today’s world, it was a big help for us as we definitely struggled to raise a family of 7. We had rented a house since getting married. A nice house in a nice suburb and all that but it was corporate owned and they wouldn’t do a thing to maintain it. We lived there 5 years and really wanted to buy our own home. We struggled with having the money and fluctuating credit scores and once the pandemic hit and home prices pretty much doubled, it caused extra layers of stress. I needed very much to get out of this suburb. It was where I’d lived for most of 20+ years and FILLED with bad and sad memories. We made a plan (a few months before my husband’s mom passed, which was sudden, not expected that quickly- F U cancer) to move to a new city closer to the mountains l. My Husband picked the city. A year later it was time to go. My oldest was starting high school and I wanted to get her into her new school so that she could do all her HS years in same place and my younger kids would finish their school years there also. It was going to be our “forever” home. We had to wait for his mom’s estate to settle, ended up being 1.5 years, but we had no idea it would take that long at the time. We decided to make a little adventure out of it. We got an RV and moved to the mountains, getting ready to buy a few acres and build or remodel a house. His kids live at their mom’s, so no disturbances to their schools and day to day. Everyone is into the outdoors so the hiking and camping and fishing was exciting.

Has anybody else experienced this at all? Having had a really successful career and never done anything wrong far as I know, my ex has become involved in reckless behaviour (driving offences, criminal activity etc) so much so that the police are now involved. Could this be part of MLC??

I’m only 35 but have been feeling off for the past few months.

When I was younger I was more confident and positive. But ever since I hit mid 30s I have had major decrease in confidence, constant feelings of sadness, frequent reminiscing of past events and seeking nostalgia, thoughts of having done things differently when younger, feeling disconnected with people, feeling out of place, feeling alone, lots of self hate whenever I look at the mirror. I know self love is important but I’m having a difficult time accepting how old I physically look now plus how old I feel with all these body pains…and just feeling lost and just going through the day by just doing what I know “I’m supposed” to be doing.

I’m not even sure if it’s MLC. :(

Hi all. I recently turned 40 and I feel completely consumed by lack of contentedness in life, my failing marriage, mortality, and wanting to just live life for a bit.

I’m married—10 years—and work in corporate. I’m not at all satisfied in my job and my marriage has been in decline for a few years—we’ve been through a lot together and the spark is now gone.

There’s all these things I want to do—mostly travel—and I have the means of doing it but I want to do it alone. I feel like I’m currently wasting away and know that going nomad for a year or two will make me happier and will give me mental space to figure out what I want out of life.

Just needed to write this down. I haven’t told anyone how I feel.