I'm in my 40s and have been feeling some sort of way lately. I've been having strong urges to redefine myself physically mentally and emotionally. I have also become a little selfish in ways or maybe just putting myself first. Do these feelings go away in a couple years or do they last until I transform myself into what I need??

Depression has been a lifelong struggle for me, but I've noticed that it seems to hit me especially hard around this time of year. The last couple of years in particular have been especially difficult. I know a lot of people deal with the "holiday blues", but this is much worse than that. The approaching new year always fills me with exestential dread, and it certainly doesn't help that my birthday is one week after New Year's. The fact that those two events are so closely entwined makes it even harder for me to deal with. I'll be turning 45 in January, and the very thought of it scares me. I feel like I just turned 40, and now I'm already halfway to 50. Time just seems to move faster every year, and it makes me feel like everything is slipping away from me. I'm basically just writing all this out in hopes of purging it from my system, because I feel like I'm being poisoned from all these awful feelings. So thanks for giving me a place to vent.

I feel like I’ve slowly been declining since COVID, I don’t know if this is rock bottom but I’m pretty depressed. For starters, I’ve put on the 100 pounds that I worked so hard to lose. Secondly, everything seems to hurt. I’ve been dealing with gout plus the aches and pains of an obese adult who works on his feet. Physically speaking it’s taking two steps forward and one step back. I spend my free time on the couch to make sure I’m good enough for work the following week. Whatever discipline I’ve had is essentially gone, from my finances to my diet. My happiness comes from impulse buys and junk food. I feel very much like I’m in a rut but I am very fortunate to have a good family so I don’t feel stuck. In other words I’m not looking for a relationship outside of my marriage. On top of that I’m coming off the worst year of my life. We suffered a major tragedy on top of almost losing my teenage daughter. The physical and emotional pain this year have been a lot on top of feeling like my youth is over and I’m just running out the clock. Sorry for venting and ranting but I had to get this out.

I had a successful run of contract work and coupled with saving during COVID, managed to save a decent chunk of money. I have a HYSA and just been living off it for most of the past year. I could continue to stretch this for around 5 years if I'm frugal.

I've hit a point where I'm really no longer interested in working, and It's not depression - just a greater realization of how valuable my time is. I've considered ditching 'laptop life' for retail work or starting a business of my own. However, retail means far less money, and starting a business means more time on the laptop. Any work option I pursue feels like a big sacrifice.

When I was younger I had no savings and was working to survive, along with that naive sense that I was going to move up. And I did. But I never made the leap to management and still don't want to. So I'm left with very little to motivate me to work aside from 1) it passes the time and 2) saving more money. Obviously it just doesn't hit the same.

If you've gone through a similar thing, how do you deal with this and what do you recommend?

In my mid 40s and everything hurts. I was a competitive level athlete growing up and played D2 ball in college. After college played a lot of city league sports. Over the decades I have had a lot of injuries to knees, shoulder, elbows etc

I am in a ton of pain almost every day. In 2025, I really want to focus on my health. I am not going to try to be athletic like in my 20s, but want to commit to more regular working out, stretching, yoga, weights etc.

I went to gym yesterday and struggled with workout as everything hurts. I have no interest in pain meds. What can a middle ached guy do to help reduce overall body pain. Not a specific injury, just overall pain to body from decades of abuse from sports etc

My husband learned of some pretty toxic family stuff about 3 years ago, it was quickly reinforced by his mother’s behavior regarding an inheritance he got from her parents and he just completely spiraled out of control. He has never been an easy man, generally negative, selfish and even abusive (mostly verbal) but typically responsible, moments of what seemed like love… but he has now committed adultery, drinks heavily, quit his job, got a new job and quit in a month, two weeks ago got into a physical altercation with me and ended up in jail because I had a black eye & broken foot. I just keep getting up every day, working, doing things that need to get done, being positive and loving, I don’t harass him about not working, I found him intensive therapy, I tell him that it’s ok, I’m trying to be supportive but I do stand up to his verbal abuse, twisted stories etc. more than I have ever before… my therapy post his betrayal was eye opening, I would never recognize the abuse in my marriage prior to it. I can’t tell if he is having a mid-life crisis, if he is somehow trying to manipulate me back into passivity, if he is having a intense mental health breakdown due to realizing the insanity that is his mother and now he is a jerk coming to terms with being a jerk... I love this person, we’ve been married 20+ years, he feels like he is on the cusp on losing me and our sons (24,20,14) and he isn’t wrong. Our sons are successful and pretty well adjusted humans and they’ve grown weary of his inability to regulate his emotions and his treatment of all of us. He called each of them after assaulting me and tried to minimize it and then they saw me. He is literally on his last leg with them and honestly, with me too. I’m growing weary of living with someone who has a good life, everything is provided to them, people are loving around him and he can’t be satisfied. Is this a midlife crisis? Does it end? What can even be done. I feel like he wants this to end but has no idea what to do. If I could help him, I would, but I’m all out of ideas and now I’m almost out of patience. I can only take so much more of this. I’m worried about his safety.

Short background - I'm a an introverted 51-year-old hyper-rational, atheist man, who finds himself somewhat overwhelmed by feelings of nostalgia and regret, and some intense emotional turmoil to which I'm not accustomed. I did very well in career that was well suited for me, but got bored and burned out and left (by sheer coincidence) right when the pandemic started. Since then I am finding myself losing interest in what have been life-long passions, like producing music, and unsure of what to do next. I am almost 20 years into a "nice, comfortable" marriage (no children), but fear we are coasting towards oblivion. Earlier this year my dad died, so I have been spending a lot more time at the house in which I grew up, helping my mom, and also taking the opportunity to go through a lot of old stuff that I had saved (like high school writing assignments, college course work - yes I save a lot). It's all brought up a flood of memories and wild emotions and even a rekindled yearning for the great unrequited love of my high school years, whose departure when her family moved away caused the proverbial emotional wall to go up for so many years afterwards. A couple nights ago I slept not at all, with all of this racing through my mind - thinking how I had never felt that intensity since and worried that I was losing my opportunity to ever feel it again. In other words, I guess, a lot of normal midlife stuff, with its own unique blend. I'm not sure how comfortable I am talking to anyone I know about it, so... perhaps some strangers out here will have some meaningful advice? Stranger things have happened. Talk to a therapist might be one point... yes I am considering it.

Lately I’ve started to question my MLC. How much of this is real and how much of it is based on the capitalist myth that “newness will cure the empty hole in my soul”? So many of my fantasies are about buying something new (a cad, a house, a pair of tits), or moving somewhere new, or changing my profession. All of this dread is lining someone else’s pockets. Maybe it’s all a form of brainwashing to make me buy shit I don’t need. The thrill of newness will fade and then I’ll just be stuck with more emptiness to fill.

Even though you have a good marriage, kids, house, career and everything else you worked so hard for until this point in your life ... do you ever just fantasize about running away from everything and starting over again?

We’ve been together since I was 18. He is the love of my life. We have beautiful kids together. In the last year he’s gotten very vocal and upset about getting older. I feel like he still has so much life ahead of him but he’s really struggling to see the joy. He’s feeling down about everything.

What on earth am I supposed to do?

Could a MLC combine with missed life goals and FOMO, like a tragic trifecta? Feels like I've been on autopilot for the past ten years, and slowly getting tougher. Or is it the state of the world and society or civilization that is stalling in progress overall? I haven't tried creating a post like this before, so if I need to add more details let me know. Thank you if you can share your thoughts.

I'm 44. Married. 2 girls.

I have a good life. And I've finally come to the conclusion it's just too comfortable. I don't know what else it can be.

Could it be because I grew up in a chaotic home, I don't know how to live happily in peace?

I have a good husband. Who's patient with my lack of motivation. I have good kids who are fantastic students in school. My 11yo has motivation issues like me though. And she also doesn't open up very easily. But I am going to look into sending her to a therapist.

But anyway. I work for fantastic people, with an easy job that pays a good liveable wage. We have some debt but I'm manage it well and I have good credit. And I'm proud of that.

I'm obese. I'm a shitty housekeeper. I'm always tired and my husband picks up the slack without even complaining about it. God I love that man.. for a million reasons. He's so frickin good to me. Sometimes I wish he'd speak up more. But he knows I'm just struggling, I guess.

I love my kids and I tend to spoil them a bit but they know it's because they have good behavior and grades in school. I'm so proud of them.

I'm on an antidepressant, ADHD stimulant medication and a beta blocker, but for anxiety. I can't get over how I am on stimulant meds but I'm still fat. But whatever.

I'm looking into getting a personal trainer at least for a time. Something has to change. SOMETHING. HAS to change. I feel like I'm just floating down a river. Don't have a lot of energy and motivation to even do fun things. My husband and I aren't even intimate any more. A lot of me doesn't really even care.. because I'm not very confident anymore since I've gained weight even though he tells me all the time how beautiful and wonderful I am. Sometimes, it makes me sad. But then many times I have anxiety at even the thought of BEING intimate because of my confidence issues.

My health is pretty decent given the fact that I'm obese. My cholesterol is starting to creep up though. Blood pressure is lower than average probably due to the beta blocker.

Anyway. I just feel so stuck and I pray getting healthier will help. God do I hope it helps. Everything just feels so.. whatever.

I don't want to roll over and just be like this till I die. That's why I'm looking into a personal trainer. Probably a therapist too. I just haven't quite made it the priorty that I should. But I'm getting there.

I'm usually very good at putting my feelings into words. But I'm getting tired of talking because it's really not getting anywhere, ya know?

I used to have goals and wants and these days I have very few. I mean I have most of what I need and a lot of what I want. We're not rich. We're not fancy. But I think often about how thankful I am that I can pay my bills and still have some left over to do leisurely things. To buy clothes and food. Take the family out to eat. Give the kids money to do fun stuff. Own a house.

We don't have enough to do REALLY big stuff but I'm content with what I have. In fact sometimes I wish I had less. I'm getting tired of "stuff".

I have a solid support system. A man who loves me like I'm the most incredible women on the planet. And I don't even get it. I know I'm a good person with a decent personality but maybe it's because I just don't feel so good about myself these days.

There's so much I have that people would kill to have in their lives. And I feel even worse knowing I feel so shitty when I have every reason to feel fantastic. I never stop being grateful. I just feel this sense of sadness and unease.

My parents health has also been failing and I'm trying to move them closer to me. That weighs on my mind a lot.

But I'm always putting myself down in my head. Even when I'm doing the best I can. I feel guilty that I can't do even better. I carry a lot of guilt. I don't know why. I was raised in an abusive home so maybe that has something to do with it. But I've been in therapy on and off for many years.

But here I sit. Whining about my beautiful life. I'd honestly live with at much less if I knew I could feel more at peace.

Is it a mid life crisis? I'm in my 40s. I just started a new antidepressant a few months ago and it's works. It does. But after I went home to see my parents in September and saw first hand all they had going on, I think it's turned me upside down.

I don't know. I just don't know. I have plans. I'll make it through I'm sure. I'm just feeling so incredibly listless and I'm losing hope that it's going to stop.

I won't stop trying. But. It's definitely slow going.

Please don't tell me about all I should be thankful for. I promise you I'm thankful for it ALL. And I reflect on my blessings often. I'm just lost right now.

Is it my age? Is this just what happens?

I'll figure it out probably. Thanks for giving me a space to let out my feelings. Have a good night. ❤️

I'm 45, my marriage just failed for the second time, I have no income, I fell like I'm losing the few friends I have and I just feel so utterly disconnected and lost. My marriage and family where my whole world, I feel like I failed as a woman.

I analysed my failures from any viewpoint possible, I can't seem to stop blaming myself for everything that went wrong in my life and everyday my past seem to haunt me down and remember me again of all the dark stuff. I try acceptance, I mean I can't change what was, but it's not really working.

I ask myself if these are also some perimenopausal symptoms on top of the midlife crisis.. Maybe I'm just looking for excuses for the hole I dug myself in.

I isolate myself because I don't feel like the world wants to deal with not so happy people..

Although I think we have different expectations and experiences with our transitions through mid-life, here are some stages I found documented that reflect what I am or have been going through.

1. Denial: You might fight or deny the simple fact that you are getting older...until you visit the doctor and she nudges you that it is time to get a colonoscopy.

2. Anger: Once you realize you are having a mid-life transition you may get angry. (This has happened to me, I have gone from feeling powerless to a more effective agent to overcome these challenges. For example, I am going to get my hormonal blood work done)

3. Replay: You may try to relive experiences that once made you feel alive, like doing something rebellious like having an extra-marital affair or participating in one. Just to feel alive again and then realize that it doesn't do the same thing.

4: Depression: Depression and anxiety starts to settle in when you attempt to do things that made you feel better in the past and see that they don't work. A feeling of being trapped and stuck may begin to overwhelm you.

5: Withdrawal: Your innate older person wisdom urges you to take space from your loved ones to handle symptoms of your depression or anxiety and other annoying mid life transition events.

6. Acceptance: You may begin to acknowledge and accept that you are aging and with aging comes changes in physical body & health, psychological aspects, belief systems, perception of self and more. Perhaps this means even taking action to fix some of these things. I feel I am at this phase. Willing to do what it takes to end these gray days.

7: Experimentation: You might think that trying new things, experimenting with hobbies or relationships that can help you. This may involve taking risks or looking for novel situations to break you out of the humdrum, to make you feel alive again. Personally, I haven't had successful experimentation yet.

8: Life Changing Decision making: You may start to make more significant changes in your life like changing careers, ending a relationship or even moving to a different country. Sometimes there is a sense of urgency to make these changes happen before its too late. Currently I am planning on moving abroad for a few months.

I sense that I am near the acceptance phase of the midlife transition that I have been experiencing the last 2-3 years of this so called life. I am accepting that with age, comes hormonal changes which can lead to psychological changes. I am accepting the poor decisions I have made in the past and where I could have gone better as well as coming to terms with the only thing I can do is move on. I am accepting my flaws that have surfaced and making peace with them. What happens after the mid-life crisis and how do you know its over?

May not be what it is but I’m about to turn 34 and I feel like the days aren’t what they used to be. It’s just another day, dwelling on what I wish I could do and see before I’m too old to do so. The drive isn’t there. Maybe others feel the same. Maybe something will change for the better

I feel like I'm just existing. I've lost all.sense of purpose. I used to.be this person full of energy, multiple ideas, wanting to work on all of fhem. I'm like a deflated balloon. All that hot air whooshed out of me. I don't feel like working. I don't feel like looking at myself. I don't feel like going out. Everything seems so meaningless. I feel like I've lived my peak years and I should be preparing for retirement.

Here's the kicker - I just turned 40.

The only thing to arrive on time in my entire life is the effing midlife crises!

48f here. My brain and my spirit feel like early 30s and sometimes late teens. My body and my heart are old and haggard. I lost my mom 4 years ago and my dad 24. Each time, I self destructed. I had so much potential and so many opportunities but I wasted them in grief.

I have always felt like I had an important purpose and lately, my purpose feels like it’s just out of my grasp. I haven’t been sitting on my hands…I’ve been bold and I’ve done shitt. But here I am.

My question is…when will the thoughts of dying go away so that I can enjoy what I have? I’m not suicidal…I’d never do that to my children. It just seems easier.

M46. Am generally discouraged as have realized life has no purpose. Duh. Big surprise !! Throughout today I have been considering how to find purpose, something which I’ve struggled with for a long time. And it came to me to dial it back to basics. Why are we all here ?? Essentially our most innate drive is to survive. Survival. It can be physical, mental and spiritual. Am gonna explore this further. Does this resonate with anyone?

I'm having a tougher time with the midlife crisis compared to the previous quarter-crisis. That one occured when I was 28 and I was pretty much in panic for a few months that I was going to have to be a more responsible adult, school was completely behind me, and most of my friends were starting to get serious with relationships, family and marriage. So I couldn't just hang out with people on a whim anymore or even just chit chat for an hour or more at a time for the fun of it.

I used to think a midlife crises was more for people who had money to burn and just wanted to rebel and feel young again or whatever. But what I have been experiencing since age 41 is a more heightened self-awareness of existentialism and mortality. For the first time in my life time is starting to feel so limited. I am more conscious to the fact that one day I will die and potentially be in a nothingness void. Just gone. Poof. No more existence. Pretty much every 100 years or so, everyone who is born around the same time as you will be dead and the planet gets a new refresh - obviously with people born before you and afterwards. And this scares me more than it should since I obviously realize it's something everyone in history before us has died and it's a common trait to us all.

I'm having more trouble than in previous years just relaxing because I feel like I'm wasting my time. And I'm hitting that point where I'm starting to experience more health issues and just in general feel more fatigued than ever before. I love life and feel like I'm not doing enough, in addition to getting caught up in the same old routines all the time. Life is so short. Oddly, around 2020-2021 in the earlier pandemic years I was not experiencing this and it was later on after seeing Bryan Johnson videos on YT that kind of made me reflect more on how life is more limited and it'd be nice to expand it.

Lately every morning when I wake up I feel this overwhelming sense of dread. I’m 54m, happily married with a 16 y/o son. I just can’t shake the feeling that the next “phase” is when things that have been a constant are going to go away. My son is a junior in high school, soon he’ll be off to college. I’m immensely proud of him but there’s a part of me that is dreading when that happens. I see my mom getting older and wonder how much longer I’ll have her. I know full well that this is the normal order of things and I have a lot to be grateful for. If anything this has made me appreciate the time that I have with my family. These things have been dominating my thoughts and I was just wondering if anyone else was ever in the same situation. Thanks

I know the post says usually around 45 and onwards but I'm only 37 and I'm feeling it real bad lately. It might just be because I had lots of traumatic things happened to me- Covid, two big deaths in my immediate family, pending separation that I asked for, probably closing in on peri menopause- just not a spring chick anymore.
I'm just sad and feel like I'm missing something. Purpose? Direction? But what if it doesn't get better? I'm really worried that I just won't climb out of this. What did you guys do to feel a bit happier with this huge life change?

I have defined seen signs of both, but I’ll be honest, I’m looking for a little validation/clarification as I don’t really have anyone to talk to about it. It’s been a year since the divorce. Here are the facts:

I had a drinking problem, but she drank with me up until til the last year.

She rewrote the history of our relationship and everything was my fault.

She lost a ton of weight and started dressing sexy again.

She got Botox, laser Thermage, and started taking semi-glutides just before she dropped the bomb.

I suspected she was having an affair which began right about the time she cut back on the drinking (year before divorce). She denies it, but she messed up and let a little piece of info slip after the divorce which kinda gave it away. She is now dating her boss, but she hides his car in her garage when he comes over.

None of this behavior aligns with her previous personality or values.

She changed her name not to her maiden name but to her grandmother’s. During the divorce she was considering changing her name to one she picked out of a hat. She just liked the sound of it she said, and she told me that with a creepy smile in total seriousness expecting me to be excited for her.

She doesn’t seem interested in our kids as much.

She started acting differently right about the time she turned 40 (3 years prior to divorce) and mentioned that she was hitting perimenopause. Starting spending time with single/divorced women and avoiding any invitation I made to have a date night, yet she kept having sex with me up until the last weeks before bomb drop. After bomb drop she became a COMPLETELY different person.

She still flirted with me during the divorce, yet I wasn’t allowed to see her change clothes or sleep in the same bed (she would get really angry). Flirting was making sexual innuendo, licking the ice cream off my spoon, and mentioning her nipple popping out of her shirt. Also smiling, eye contact, and casual body brushes. She denies all of this.

Opinions? Any armchair psychologists out there?

My husband has struggled with mental health issues for his entire life, but this feels different. He's had a pretty hard time finding a job that pays well enough, and he really struggles with this because he is very qualified and has a great degree. He is almost 41 and hates the fact that he doesn't have a solid career by now. We get by just fine, but financial stress has been making him pretty irritable. He gets easily stressed about politics, especially with the recent results of the Presidential Election. I am the primary income for us and I have never made him feel bad about that. I try to be as supportive as I can, but he just seems so hopeless and angry all the time. To me, he is clearly struggling with his self worth and feelings of failure:(

He is now telling me that he feels trapped with me. He's mentioned moving to the middle of nowhere to be by himself and says that nothing is going to change. By no means is our marriage perfect, nor am I, but I feel that he is projecting on to me. I am trying my best to be understanding and supportive, but it's frustrating that his feelings are somehow my fault. I truly do not know how to move forward with this, or how (IF) I can pull him out of this. I've supported him through many periods of depression, but something feels different this time. Any advice is appreciated

What if this thing that happens at midlife isn't a crisis?

What if it's really an expansion?

A signal from the universe that we are out of alignment with who we are supposed to be.

An opportunity to re-engage with our true selves.

And realign with our true path.

Help! i am turning into the cliche. i wish i was joking but i'm not. i want to leave this stable suburban middle class life to chase unfulfilled adventures with a stripper while driving a sports car. the fuck happened to me? i know better but i am tired of being rational and tired of pushing aside these impulsive self destructive urges for the payoff that is just the same day on repeat. seriously, i have to do this for the next 20 years after doing it for the last 35? for what? another vacation at disney? a bigger house? watch that new netflix series and drink hot coco? my life is entering the last half of it (if we are lucky) so i don't want to waste time. i don't want to take shit for granted including my health, which isn't going to last forever, so i want to do dumb shit while i still can. is that wrong? oh, i've been to therapy, and those people are idiots.

my wife and kids are lazy. at least my stripper girlfriend works her ass off (if you know what i mean). Sure she's only using me for my money but so are the wife and kids. the sports car? cause i sold my fd3s when we had kids and i drive a fucking minivan. i miss hearing the sounds of a twin turbo running down a mountain in the rain with bald ass tires and a slipping clutch with a welded diff. i've had so many jobs, i can go where ever and make a living doing whatever. i turned down so many opportunities in the past, why shouldn't i go chase one now? why do i have to continuing sacrifice for? give me a good reason and maybe i will postpone being a cliche for another day.

thanks for letting me vent. half this shit was sarcastic in case you missed it but half was very serious.

Hi. First time posting here. I'm 44, married with 2 kids and am the sole earner in my family. I've also likely been going through MLC for at least a few years.

I have a fairly successful IT job and used to support my family very comfortably which I guess was one of the few things I felt proud of, but with the cost of living that's got harder and harder and I had to miss out on more things I wanted personally to provide for my family. After cutting out pretty much everything I spend on myself I've been having to cut back on what the family now have and I guess I feel some pretty deep shame for this.

Currently, my employer is also being overtaken by what seems to be a pretty horrible other company who are backed by a venture capitalist and are clearly in it only for the money. They've announced a 30% redundancy across the company (which was already struggling with too few people) so by Christmas I'll either be out of work or working for a really horrible company that have made it clear they don't care about their employees - we're just a number and if we don't like it we should leave.

At my age and with the downturn in IT jobs in the UK I'm really worried I'll struggle to get another job. My wife has started setting up a child care job but I can see she's upset about having to go back to work as she enjoyed looking after our kids. All of this really has taken away the one thing I guess I felt proud off and I feel like I'm emotionally crumbling now.

I've had serious ennui for years and haven't enjoyed life for at least 5+ years. I've had medical problems, plus depression and anxiety (which I have meds for) that have made things always feel hard but I stuck in and kept going for my family. I feel like all the effort is just too much and not worth it now though; life just feels too hard and like you put so much in for so little back. I don't have an intention to end myself but for a long time now I've just wished this would all end.

I'm an introvert so don't really go anywhere or meet people. I don't really know anyone locally. At times that can also be lonely but I never seem to meet people I really gel with so I don't see how to change that. I also don't really have many hobbies other than playing computer games, but even that I've lost enjoyment in. Life just feels so hollow now.

I'm trying to push myself to work on training and preparing for a new job (either by choice or not) but I just have no motivation. Seeing post here I know others are going through similar. How on earth do you keep going and get back to a life that feels worth living??

Sincere thanks for anyone that read this far or who has any advice or kind words. I could really use them about now.