Discussion and advice on dating and the dating phase of relationships for people over the age of 30

This is the place to put any shower thoughts, your complaints/rants about dating, ask for quick advice, serious and (sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.

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Almost exactly a year ago, I went to a matched speed dating event, where you have to fill out a profile and get matched with 10 or so people beforehand. It was totally tragic (guys too nervous to talk, guys who couldn't stop looking at my cleavage, guys who were surprised I lived in the city the event was hosted in, just, ugh) and I decided to never do it again. It was like 30 euros and a total waste of time. The people who run the events texted me from time to time to offer me a free or discounted spot for evenings that didn't have enough women signed up, but I could never make the dates.

So yesterday I get a text from them to ask if I'd be interested to participate in their match making service for free, that they kept my profile, analysed it and found me a "nice and interesting" man in a nearby city. I was very intrigued so I agreed to a phone call. This woman goes over my profile with me, asks me for my preferences she says that I'd be a reservist, essentially. If my profile matches the wants of one of their paying clients, I could be called up for a date. Then she started basically selling me this nameless man. She even told me he has trouble finding a partner because he is bald and only 170. I don't care about bald, everyone eventually goes bald and I'm not That tall. He ticks all of my boxes as far as kids and city living and likes sports. It was a very surreal experience and now I have a "mystery date" item in my agenda for next Tuesday.

I feel very curious, a bit excited, but also weird. This guy paid to be match made. Is this what mail order brides feel like lol? I'm sure I'll have an ok time, but I feel like a side show. I watched millionaire match makers when I was a kid and I hope it'll be more relaxed than that. Anyone have experiences with match making services?

Over the past couple months I’ve (34F) decided that I’ll have a kid on my own in a few years. For so long whether I had kids was dependent on whether I’d find someone.

It’s crazy how much less pressure I feel to date. I’m planning to do this on my own and if someone comes along beforehand that’s okay with my approximate timeline, great. But if not, I know I can do it. I’m well employed and at a place that encourages mat leave, have family nearby, lots of friends who would be incredibly supportive.

I think separating a potential partner and the ability to have a family has been really good for me. I suddenly feel a lot less pressure. I feel lighter, and like I’ve turned a corner.

Anyone else decide to have a kid on their own, and kind of separate that aspect from dating?

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I’m a 35F and I struggle to find myself attracted to most of the men on dating apps. I just went through 42 of my likes on Hinge, and found maybe 2 of them to be attractive, and I swipe right on maybe 1 out of 30ish people on my feed. I’m not a shallow person at all, and I don’t require you to be “Finance, 6’5, Blue eyes” but I’m not going to swipe right on someone Im not physically attracted to, either. I live in a bustling beach town with plenty of men who are active, social, and good-looking in the wild, so why don’t the apps reflect that sample size? Do any of you ladies feel this way or am I just a picky ass bitch? 😂

Single for a very long time (<5 years) after a rough divorce. Finally in a better spot and have been dating a wonderful woman for the last few months. I adore her and am trying everything I can to make it work long term.

I love cuddling, want to just be touching her hand when we're out. If we're cooking I'll brush her arm as much as possible. To me, physical touch is 80% of why anyone would be in a relationship. I can go without sex for months, I absolutely cannot go without a hug or cuddling for any amount of time.

The biggest problem we're facing now is she has to have absolute 100% uninterrupted complete silence to sleep. My guest bathroom fan was on a few rooms away and she said it was like a helicopter and how can anyone sleep with that racket? No lights can be visible anywhere in the room. No night light, or light coming in under the door so I have to navigate in the dark around my house/bathroom.

The biggest and by far worst part, I sometime snore. My past relationships have said they didn't realize it at first and have even recorded me to tease me about it. One said she liked it, it comforted her it was like a cat purring and only if I was really sick did I actually snore. The woman I'm seeing though says she's surprised the neighbors don't complain. She gets no sleep. I've tried nose strips and she can still hear me "breathing loud". I tried going to bed extra early and it doesn't change my breathing.

She didn't like my mattress so I bought a new one, new sheets and pillows, humidifier, tried melatonin, nasal strips, changing my sleep schedule, she likes the new mattress okay, but is unable to sleep through a night if I'm in the room.

She keeps sending me posts about couples sleeping in different rooms and how I should get 2 beds and to be honest I'd rather be in prison that sleep in a different room than my wife. I could never be happy in that arrangement. We'd be roommates. I feel so much more alone having a woman I care about in the house with whom I cannot be physically affectionate than I ever did while single. I don't know what to do though. I asked her how she was married before and she said she didn't like sleeping with him. She said she is often kept up because a neighbor closed a car door or she can hear people talking somewhere outside her apartment.

I fully accept that I might have a snoring problem and maybe it just got way way worse over the years, but what can I do? Will we just never be able to be happy long term together? She asked me to fix it and I'm trying but how can I stop myself from snoring or breathing loudly? I'd be more than happy to exchange quality sleep if it means I get to hold my loved one when I sleep, but she values sleep much more than I do, and touch much less.

Am I doomed?

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I'm 34/f and in September I matched with 30/m on a hook up app. By the time I met him I was so burnt out on dating and the flakiness/dishonesty of the men I had encountered that I was open to casual just to have someone around.

September: We meet and have a great first date. He tells me straight up he's not ready for a relationship as he has just moved to my city and isn't ready to settle down yet. Me, sitting across from a 29 year old at the time (who I THOUGHT was a 1 dimensional party boy) was like, yeah whatever! Nothing happened on that date as I said I wasn't sure if I truly wanted casual. We talked every day (pretty much all day) for a week and I decided to offer a 1 off hook up, which of course did not end there.

We started at once every 2 weeks, moving to once a week, to multiple times a week. We would jokingly swipe on apps next to each other in bed and I felt secure as ever coz our FWB set up was completely defined. We were still talking every day and I used to jokingly say to my female friends how we should never settle as even my FWB is capable of being consistent and reliable (I was deluded by this stage).

October: I start worrying that I'm getting feelings for him. Every time I saw him, he would repeatedly say 'this is just sex' (I never asked) and I started to wonder if he was trying to convince me or himself. However it was never just sex. He would sleep over, we would go to brunch/dinner and we would hang out until the last possible second.

Mid-October we have a big night out. Both of us, not sober have an honest conversation and he admits that he has feelings for me, and I admit I too have feelings for him and we had both been in denial of our feelings. By this point neither of us had hooked up with anyone else/spoken to anyone else for a few weeks.

November: He tells his friends about me because I told him if he doesn't, I was going to walk away. The main reason we kept things a secret is we found out on our first date we had a mutual friend and didn't think our situation would go anywhere. However by this point I wanted to stop sneaking around. He then meets my friends.

We have a very candid conversation about where we are at, where both of us end up crying. He says he doesn't know what to do as he doesn't want to lose me and he never thought he would develop feelings for anyone at this stage in his life. We both confirm that neither of us have been on apps in months or are talking to anyone else. We take the time to think about what to do.

December: We revisit the conversation and he admits he just isn't ready to settle down. Repeatedly says, "I know what you're thinking. You think the 'with you' is silent after 'I don't want a relationship', but it's just not true. None of this is about you. I don't want a relationship with anyone. How can I love someone else when I don't love myself? I hate everything about myself and I need to fix it before I can commit to settling down with anyone. It's not a 'no', it's a 'not now'. Right now I'm happy because there is no label. Once there is a label I freak out and self sabotage and I don't want to do that to you." I walk away from the 'relationship' as I had a situationship before and couldn't fathom the torture once again.

January: I run into him and his friends at the beach. Bewildered by the sheer coincidence, I find myself agreeing to hang out with him and his mates, whom I had never met before. We slowly start seeing each other again, but he once again says he is not ready for a relationship ("not with you, not with anyone. This is not about you. Please never think this is about you"). However as of 2 weeks ago, we start seeing each other more than ever, almost every day of the week, with him initiating most of the hangouts vs me initiating most as I did previously. He messages me when he's going to the train to see if our times align so we can take the train to/from work together. He starts inviting me out with his mates more often and has a party that my friends go to for everyone to meet each other. He starts doing bf style stuff like cooking for me, volunteering to take my dog while I'm traveling and confirms once again that he is still not hooking up or seeing anyone else.

At this point I just don't know what to do. To me a man not ready to commit would be dating around/sleeping around, but he just doesn't, so I find myself sticking around and settling. I know I should walk away, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I've been single pretty much 5 years bar another situationship and I'm just so burnt out on feeling alone and disappointed. I tried really hard to put myself out there for 2023/2024 and had 0 success. The part that scares me the most is he treats me better than any of the men I was in committed relationships with and it just makes me wonder if maybe the commitment I'm looking for just doesn't exist anymore, so I continue to settle in the hopes one day he is ready. Is this completely deluded thinking? I know my brother and SIL had a very similar start and it grew on its own coz they didn't define it for a very long time.

I know I'm being pathetic and my friends tell me I'm far too good to be settling for this. I know I bring a lot to the table. I'm successful in my career, take good care of myself physically and health wise, come from a good family and care a lot about everyone and everything around me and try really hard to be empathetic, kind and caring. But my burning urge to be loved trumps my self respect and no matter how much therapy I do, I just can't seem to shift that needle. I'm just tired of feeling like a bad person for wanting to be loved and be in a relationship, when my friends found that so effortlessly in their 20s.

For brief pre debate context - I 36f went through a life changing breakup almost 2 years ago with someone I wanted to be with forever. It only lasted a year but I was beyond in love and ready to go the full distance with him. He became very abusive so I had to end it, but getting over something I wasn’t ready to end was very, very difficult and I still am not 100% - though I’m as healed as I can be at this stage.

Now, dating for me is something I try to do every few months, ie I’ll download the app and arrange a date. I’ve been in about 5 first dates in the last year and a half, none of them I felt compatible to see again. (It’s also very hard not to compare the deep love I felt for someone else to a stranger, you know?)

Now I recently went on a date with someone. He might not be my usual type (ie tall dark handsome) but he had a nice personality, emotionally intelligent and it was definitely the most comfortable I felt and enjoyed the chats we had. (He also is handsome, I just didn’t feel very attracted to him)z

I didn’t come away thinking a fuck YES to seeing him again, but I certainly felt like maybe we could be mates and that would be a place to start (friendship in a relationship is now really important to me).

He has expressed he would love to see me again.

So what I’m saying is, I kind of feel neutral about seeing him again, and will use the second date to test if I feel any romantic spark could happen.

My question being, after a first date, how do you measure if you wish to see the person again, and how do you expect to feel?

I used to purely go off attraction in my younger days and it certainly never lead anywhere. I’ve changed a lot since then.

I’m intruiged to hear how other people assess their first dates and the potential to meet again.

Thanks 🐙

This is the place to put any shower thoughts, your complaints/rants about dating, ask for quick advice, serious and (sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.

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This is the place to put any shower thoughts, your complaints/rants about dating, ask for quick advice, serious and (sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.

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I have been seeing a woman off and on for about a year. More recently it has gotten quite serious, but a recurring issue for her is that I have female friends. These are people that I have never dated or hooked up with. For example I played pickle ball tonight with a married work friend, her sister and BIL. My girlfriend finds it inappropriate and we end up having fights whenever I hang out with a woman and she isn’t there (I would have invited her but she has her kids this weekend).

I am asking for the opinion of the group here. Her and her friend are teaming up on me and saying that it’s weird and I am pushing boundaries. If I am wrong in this then I guess can’t hang out with my friends unless she’s there?

I’ve been divorced for two years and have finally met someone who seems both worthy and committed to sticking around. I’m 41M, she’s 39F.

I have sole custody of an 11 year old daughter. She has primary custody of a 15 year old autistic son and a 14 year old daughter. We have talked about our mutual goal to eventually merge families, though we’re still a year or two away from pulling the trigger on that.

My daughter is very interested in meeting my girlfriend and her daughter. I’ve never introduced her to anyone else I’ve dated, but I do agree it’s an appropriate time for them to meet. My girlfriend is happy to do so whenever I want, and is fine with me meeting her kids too. I have several hobbies and interests that overlap with her kids’ hobbies and interests, so I’m looking forward to that.

My question is one of logistics. What’s the best way to go about introductions? I was thinking maybe a restaurant — mutual ground, about an hour in and out, just to set the foundation to build off of.

But is it better to have all five of us at one dinner and everyone meet at the same time?

Or better for her to meet my kid, and later I meet her kids, and later still the kids finally meet each other?

I’m sure there’s no catch-all perfect answer, but interested in your thoughts and experiences.

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I took a few years before dating. I met someone that I dated for a couple months ago only to realize I wasn’t attracted to them.

Chemistry and compatibility is really no joke. You can find someone who is even conventionally attractive that ticks all the little boxes but without this key ingredient, things go nowhere fast.

Recently I’ve been looking into “people pleasing tendencies” and even the idea of what healthy relationships look like.

Obviously no relationship looks like another but this really has me thinking. We are literally at mercy to our brain chemistry creating connection.

I’ve gone as far to date longer despite lack of feelings hoping they’d develop but the unevenness of flourishing emotion became another issue almost like a turn off.

Why are relationships so complicated? I realize I can’t just be with anyone. I just want someone to explore our depths together with while doing this thing called life too. Laugh and cry together, you know?

In the meantime I’ll just be here. Doing the best I can on my own because forcing a connection feels wrong.

Does anyone else ever feel this way? And at times dare I say hopeless? Don’t get me wrong, I know it’ll happen one day but…. Man… what are the chances? What is this longing to share my life??

So around this time last year I matched with a girl and I went out with her a few times. After four dates she told me that she didn’t think we were a fit and I accepted her decision gracefully. We have talked a few times since then but for the most part we haven’t been in contact. She reached out to me this week to see how I’m doing and she sounded like she is open to getting tea sometime next weekend. Now, it’s been almost a year since I’ve seen her. My plan is to keep my expectations low and see if the vibe is different or if it could lead to a romantic relationship. If not, or if she isn’t interested in dating I may tell her that I can’t be her friend because I think I still have feelings for her. It’s too hard to be friends with someone when there are unrequited feelings. What do some of you think about this?

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Long story short we met for the first time mid December both agreeing to NSA fun - this is how he termed it. We hadn't met up since as I wasn't too invested because I'm focusing on myself and going on other dates. His Tinder account also got deleted whilst we were chatting - he did give me his mobile number but I just wanted to message him through tinder. I decided to message him a week later spontaneously and we were chatting about meeting up but I told him I was heading to Lanzarote

Fast forward to now where I spontaneously asked him to come to Lanzarote for a few nights as I was away by myself. He responds eagerly and flew over on Thursday and we have been having fun - but 90% eating out and doing bf/gf stuff. We did have foreplay last night but not sex as we forgot condoms.

So again today we got up and did normal stuff again. However I have been really wanting to have sex with him all day; we kissed briefly twice but that was it. I did get the start of my period so maybe that's why he is being hesitant. But we were snuggled up on the couch together and I wanted him to kiss me but he just didn't. Which of course didn't lead to sex. Now he is currently snoring on the couch at 9:42pm - he hurt his leg before coming to Lanzarote and has been on painkillers but still we agreed to fun so what's the story? I'm annoyed and I'm just wondering should I tell him?

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So Ive been seeing my current girlfriend for close to a year now, and we've begun dancing around the idea of her moving in with me. I think Im ready for that step, but I wanted to get a better perspective on some things first.

Finances - neither of us have talked about merging finances, nor do I think either of us want that before marriage. That kinda makes this a "renting" situation. I have no intention of adding her to the title/mortgage until after marriage oerhaps. I feel like I would want to ask her for a flat amount a month to contribute with some of the bills and mortgage. She would contribute roughly a quarter of our combined income (even though we wouldnt combine yet), so is asking for 20-25% of the mortgage monthly reasonable?

We've discussed chores a bit, but its worth revisiting. I do have a cleaning service and I maintain the hardware/property as well, do my own laundry, cooking, dishes, ect. How do people usually break down chores? What else am I missing that should be talked on? Im not a high maintenance guy, and Im worried that standards may differ.

She would need an office of her own for privacy. Thankfully I have a spare bedroom I can convert. Is there more I should consider here? How much space will she need to feel at home, and not just at MY home?

What else should I consider with regards to potentially moving in? This would be the final step or test before engagement I think.

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Edit: For those commenting on us living together…we’re not doing so officially. Like I mentioned, we live in different countries. We started with weekend trips to visit, and now we spent a week at his place in his country, a week at mine, and now a few weeks in a new country. We haven’t moved in together. This isn’t my ideal situation so soon but we don’t have many options. It’s just the nature of not living near each other. I do feel I know him better than if I had dated him more traditionally for 3 months.

Original post: Almost three months ago I met a guy who is now my boyfriend, but we’ve been seriously dating (and living together) for about a month. We don’t live in the same country, but can both live and work remotely, so when we decided to “go for it” we basically started living together by spending time in each other’s countries for the past month. So although we’ve only been officially together for a month, it feels like much longer. I preface with this because it’s hard to say if all of these issues would have come up after one month if we weren’t basically living together and spending everyday together already.

Anyways, I feel torn on my feelings for him. There are many pros and sometimes I have the feeling that he’s the one I’ve been waiting for. On the other hand, there are some significant cons and I can’t tell if I’m being too picky (a habit of mine in relationships) or if they are serious concerns. I do know that I need more time alone though, so we’ve made a plan for that over the next couple days.

PROS:

• He wants the same life and in the same timing as me. He wants kids, is also open to adopting (a lifelong dream of mine), wants to get married, live between my two favorite countries, have a home in nature, travel around the world with kids, etc. And he is extremely vocal about wanting these things with ME. He’s also very affectionate and sweet. He has no uncertainty that I am the woman he wants to build a life with and that feels really good.
• He’s incredibly loving to my two dogs and takes very good care of them. I don’t even have to ask him to help me with them. He just does. I think he’d be a loving and present dad.
• He’s generous. And not just financially (I make good money too so that’s less of a factor), but he has a generous spirit. I love this quality in a person.
• He’s open minded and I realize I can talk about edgier things with him that would’ve been off limits with past relationships. Something that’s important to me is feeling like I can expand and grow while in a relationship. I usually feel stifled at some point in a relationship because the other person is closed off in some way, but with him I can imagine continuous growth which is kind of huge to me.
• He’s attractive. Sometimes there are things I’m not super attracted to (like his style at times), but I know these things are malleable. It’s important for me to feel attracted to my partner.
• He’s driven, creative, and has had success in his career. Being around him has reignited my own drive and creativity — more than I’ve felt in awhile. I love this about our dynamic. I really feel that he is helping me blossom back into my creative core.

CONS:

• He has ADHD and it can feel really overwhelming to me at times. I’m a more calm, grounded person and he can feel completely in the clouds. He can be very forgetful, talks or makes sounds all the time, and is a little chaotic (for example, it’s not totally uncommon for him to miss a flight or forget something important like his passport). Sometimes I feel like I need to be his “manager” and it’s a huge turnoff to me. I also just find this aspect of his personality draining and annoying at times (especially because I crave quiet time more than he seems to). I’ve dated other guys with ADHD (a lot actually), and never experienced this with them. I don’t know if his is worse or if these are not ADHD symptoms and this is just his personality.
• The sex is not very good. He’s also mid 30s like me, has had several long term relationships, hookups, and he’s good looking…but the way he has sex and approaches sex feels inexperienced to me? Almost like a horny, clumsy teenager who doesn’t know what he’s doing. I’m a communicative person so I tell him what feels good and what doesn’t, but sometimes he does things that really make me feel like…dude what? I just don’t feel like we’re very in sync sexually. He’s open to my feedback when I share it, but it feels like it’s going to take him a long time to really “get it.”
• I don’t think he’s a very critical or intellectual thinker and I’m usually attracted to men who are. Sometimes I wonder if we’ll be able to have good or interesting conversations in a year…ten years?
• His communication in conflict can quickly be defensive and upset. Sometimes it completely catches me off guard because I’ll say something where I don’t have any ill intent, but because of the way he interpreted it he takes something personally and gets angry and defensive. My last boyfriend was also defensive and angry (first time with someone like that) and it was extremely hard for me. It’s a trait I find impossible to deal with healthily in a relationship. My now-boyfriend acknowledges that it’s an issue for him and he is now looking for a therapist to help him be less reactive. On the plus side, his anger/defensiveness usually fades and we are able to have a calm conversation. But it can feel very heated in the beginning until we revisit it.

I’m trying to look at this relationship through the lens of, “Are these fixable issues that can get better with time? Do I tend to find fault with my partners that prevents me from settling down with someone, and can I do things differently this time? Can I appreciate his great qualities even with these less great ones?”

I also am trying to weigh which qualities feel most important to me. I used to think I wanted a grounded, intellectual, successful guy, but when I’ve dated men like that there were other things that didn’t work. It’s hard for me to really KNOW if this relationship is right for me. Some qualities are missing, but he has other great ones and I think our values and life alignment is similar enough that we’d be able to raise a healthy family.

I don’t know, I’m torn!

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This is an update to my original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/s/LqVjN9Posb

Thank you to this community for all of the responses and advice - it helped me to recognize that the issues were much deeper and problematic. After I wrote the post I decided to speak to him and initiate ending things between us. We went to have dinner at our friends house (his close friend and his wife, which I am also close with). My intent was to have a nice dinner, then go to a nearby pub for a drink and talk to him there - but we didn’t get to the pub as dinner did not go well.

During dinner, the wife had made a really good soup and I was asking her about the recipe. My bf joined in saying the last time he had this soup was when he was overseas visiting his grandmother and she made it differently and it was delicious. Then he added ‘you should have seen me driving into my grandmas town in my Porsche, everyone was watching me’. I was instantly annoyed at this comment, especially after reflecting on this type of rude behaviour that he has had for a while now and I called him out on it and said ‘what does a sports car have to do with soup? Why do you need to bring that up?’ I looked over and our friends were looking down but smiling - i can tell that they are likely glad someone is calling out his behaviour. And he responds saying that I may not understand how things are in that small town but it’s very rare for people to be driving nice cars so he was trying to illustrate that. I replied that we were talking about soup, so I don’t get the point he is making. He didn’t respond to that and then switched the convo to saying how I need to upgrade my vehicle. I said I’m very happy with my 2019 ford edge, and I don’t invest a lot of money in a depreciating asset, that’s just how I am. I don’t know if he meant for this to be a dig at me but it did not land. He replied saying that if I’m lucky enough to be his wife then he will buy me a nicer car. I responded with a very sarcastic ‘wow thanks’

After dinner I was speaking to the wife in the kitchen who agreed with me that the bragging and money talk is something they wish he would stop doing as well. I told her I was ready to end it and she understood and said he has always been like this and she finds him very immature for his age. I go back to my bf who is now having some cognac with his friend and he mentions that he needs a drink because I’m being harsh with him tonight and he doesn’t know why I’m upset with him. His friend leaves us to talk and our convo points go as follows:

• I tell him I’m having a hard time with this constant need to brag and one up people, and it’s not just the convo tonight but it’s every time. He responds saying he is not bragging he was just saying a story.

• I press him on it more that he always brings up money in other ways and talks about having more than his brother, uncles etc. and he just says I’m not bragging I’m just stating facts because they always bring up money with me when they talk to me so I feel the need to say it. This makes no sense cause it’s definitely him bringing it up and he’s just placing the blame on others.

• I bring up the final point of him talking about fighting other people which is extreme and uncalled for. His response is he grew up with nothing and had to fight when he was really young. I tell him that’s fine but you’re not 12 anymore you’re a grown man with a legit business you don’t need to prove anything anymore and you’re not even in the same town you grew up in like you’re in a completely different country and successful can’t you just be happy? And he says I just don’t understand.

• he brings up that he’s upset I’m attacking him on these things especially today because he hurt his foot at work and he is limping a bit. And he says I don’t understand how his job is a lot more difficult and that I work in an office all day and I don’t understand (he has a construction business). I tell him that just because he has to do more labour intensive work sometimes doesn’t have anything to do with me and what I do in my job and it’s not a competition. And it has nothing to do with me being able to bring up things that upset me. I tell him I’m sorry you hurt your leg but I’m not the one who hurt it.

• he says that he is not perfect and there’s things he dislikes about me but chooses not to make a big deal about them. I tell him I want to know what’s on this list because it’s important and I like to get constructive feedback if I’m doing something unreasonable that I am not aware of. -He says that he finds it disrespectful that I’m texting other guys. I correct him that I do not text other guys. I have one guy friend I have known since high school and we keep in touch, he lives in another city and has his own family, and that we are not into each other we just have always kept in touch. I see him once a year at most for a Lunch if he’s ever in my city that’s all. He says that he’s not looking for a typical Canadian marriage where I have guy friends and he has girl friends and we just end up cheating on each other.

• I tell him this is ridiculous and I don’t need to be told who I can talk to and how to act. And I say that this is just not working and we are not compatible and we don’t see eye to eye. I have tried voicing my concerns and you don’t agree that they are problematic and think it’s okay to act this way and this is where we have to leave it.

• he then does a 180 and says that he does understand where I’m coming from and he work work on these issues and that I have a valid point and if I want to be friends with my guy friend that it’s ok as long as he can have girl friends also.

• I tell him that you just said the opposite like 5 min ago so I don’t really believe that you all of a sudden agree and are on the same page as me, it sounds manipulative to get me to stay. I tell him that overall I just am getting a very negative vibe whenever we are in these situations and I can’t handle it anymore. If it’s not complaining then it’s the pushing people to drink or talking about fighting or taking a joke the wrong way it just gives off a negative energy that I can’t be around.

• he says that it sounds like I came into this with my mind made up and he knows that once a woman decides something you can’t change it and he won’t try to change my mind, but that I should consider that once it is done then he won’t ever come back. And I say that’s fine.

he says he will drive me home but I insist to take uber because he’s been drinking and he keeps insisting he’s fine and that’s when his friends interject and say to just let me take uber. I leave to go home. Half an hour later he starts blowing up my phone saying that I’m gonna change my mind and want him back but he won’t be around anymore and how he gives up on love because he always gets hurt and all he does is try and doesn’t work out etc. I just tell him to take it easy and I wish him the best. I’m trying to leave things on a good note but he keeps sending me messages that get more and more rude. I think he wanted a reaction or a fight but I did not give in and stopped replying. Then this morning he messages that he’s sorry and it was because of the alcohol and I haven’t responded since.

I think I likely will have to block him, but given that a lot of people mentioned in my original post that he may be a narcissist, will blocking him make him more mad? Thoughts on what I should expect next?

This is the place to put any shower thoughts, your complaints/rants about dating, ask for quick advice, serious and (sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.

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I(35 F) and the man I’ve been dating for a little over 3 months(39 M) have had a lot of fun together. He has been unbelievably sweet, consistent, fun, he’s handsome, thoughtful of my feelings all of the above. He did two things in the past week that are screaming “red flags” and I need another opinion.

We went out last weekend and I was looking hot, had a new outfit, confidence was at a 10 and was just happy with my man at dinner. He wasn’t feeling himself but I reassured him he looked great! I had a few drinks with dinner then we went to a movie. Still having fun, being my bubbly self we are about to walk into the movies and he brings up something that was like a punch to my gut. A personal family matter that has been in the news lately that involves my father. It completely deflated my joy, it felt like a punch to the gut. I cried, couldn’t watch the movie, went to the bathroom to cry for about 30 mins and was overall a mess. I was so confused and hurt as to why he brought it up. And just the sensitive nature of it felt like it was almost done on purpose. He has shown signs of insecurity before, like if a female comes up and compliments my outfit he makes a jealous face. So I feel like he said it to just knock me to the ground tbh.

After that weekend we got into a little argument and he kind of lost his shit on me on the phone. He mentioned my narcissistic ex in a mocking way and I immediately shut the conversation down. He called me a few hours later and profusely apologized and asked me to forgive him etc. I did but it just hasn’t been the same since and I feel like this ain’t it. I don’t want to make rash decisions. But I’m also a bit confused.

After writing all this out it seems way more disrespectful and dysfunctional than I originally thought. I have done a TON of work on myself after leaving a narc relationship and I’m not trying to get involved with any of that again. Not that he’s completely a narcissist but, you know what I mean. Some feedback would be appreciated :)

This is the place to put any shower thoughts, your complaints/rants about dating, ask for quick advice, serious and (sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.

This post will be moderated, so if you see something breaking the rules, please report it.

I (36F) am dating a guy (34M) for 6 months. We are at a point of becoming serious and meeting family. I am hesitant because I find his behaviour in group settings sometimes cringey and embarrassing. One on one we get along great and on paper we are compatible on family values, timeline for kids, both successful and driven, both speak the same second language and follow same traditions (both grew up in Canada but born in Eastern Europe).

Here are examples of his behaviour that makes me cringe a lot:

• always brags about money and how he makes triple what people who went to university make. Even around his friends he always brings up money in some way. I think it stems from insecurity that he never went to university, and I have a masters. He is successful and runs his own business and I have a great career too. He says he likes that I am educated and also make money. I’ve tried to tell him to stop comparing to people who went to school and all that matters is he is successful without it.

• constantly brings up how he came from nothing and now he’s worth more than his uncles and his older brother and how they’re so jealous of him. I have met his brother and one uncle and they are nice people. I tell him that character is more important and he shouldn’t be competing against family on how much money you have. And that he should be humble and happy with where he is in life and not to shove it in people’s face. He doesn’t do this in front of them, but will talk about this with his friends. After I bring up privately that he should be more humble, he will then almost brag about how he’s always been humble even though he has more than other people. This annoys me to no end.

• always has to bring up in conversation with his friends that he can fight anyone and take care of things, even when the convo has nothing to do with fighting. They will be talking about some guy and he will randomly add ‘it’s ok I’ll take care of it I’ll find him in an alley and take care of business’ and then things just become awkward. He just takes it to such an extreme level. He doesn’t actually fight people it’s just talk but it’s embarrassing. And then if someone says ok calm down he just says ‘wow I was making a joke’.

• can’t read the room. Some of his friends will be joking around and razzing each other and some are more sarcastic. And sometimes he laughs but sometimes he takes it personally and even if it’s not aimed at him. And he makes a big deal about it and says things like ‘ok you are in my house so you need to respect my friend because I don’t want to have to break up a fight between you and you know I can stop you’ and it just creates an awkward vibe. His friends will reassure him that it’s just jokes and nobody is offended and to relax. But it’s like he has to find ways to act all tough every now and then. And he doesn’t drop it either he will go on and on to ‘lecture’ them about showing respect and almost like he’s in a mafia movie or something. It’s just cringe.

• always has to bring the convo back to him in some way and always has something to complain about. He complains about how all these things happen to him in the business he runs and it’s just annoying because to me it just sounds like he has a victim mentality. A lot of what he deals with is the same stuff everyone deals with in work. Some things are a lot more difficult because it’s his own business and risk but he also makes more money for doing it so he is compensated well for dealing with the additional stresses. I tell him this too but he just says I don’t get it as I’m not in his shoes. And even if that’s true, it’s just annoying and most people I can tell get bored of him complaining.

• pushes his friends too much and doesn’t take no for an answer. During a game night he will decide to all have a shot and if one of them declines he keeps pushing and pushing until they say yes. Once or twice is fine and all in good fun but he doesn’t know to stop there. And it gets almost awkward. He never pushes me and I usually say no and he’s fine but it’s still annoying because he can’t just drop it and I observe his friends kind of being annoyed too. Things are fine after but it bothers me.

I am worried to introduce him to my family and friends because if this is how he acts around friends he’s comfortable around, would he feel the need to brag this much or more to new people? I’m a very chill and secure person so I find this behaviour almost just immature. If it’s immaturity, can it improve and maybe he will calm down as he settles in life more? Is his insecurity a red flag and will manifest in worse ways down the road?

Thank you in advance!

Edit - thank you all for your comments and advice, it is greatly appreciated and helpful! I will give an update later today, just figuring out how to post updates correctly, looks like I have to make a new post with a link to this original.