Discussion and advice on dating and the dating phase of relationships for people over the age of 30

Once again, I’m coming to Reddit for help …

I’ve been dating this guy for around six weeks. We met on an app but have a mutual friend too. The first few dates were so much fun, honestly the best dates I’ve been on! I stayed at his place last week and everything was looking good, I was starting to really like him.

I noticed though that he’s really slow to reply to messages. No big deal, he has a busy job and drives a lot, so he can’t always be on his phone. He has clients calling him all day too and doesn’t have a separate work phone. He said once that in the evenings when he finishes work he doesn’t like to be on his phone a lot because he gets constant calls and messages throughout the day from clients etc. That all makes perfect sense to me.

I was at his place last night and I noticed we perhaps had a little less to talk about. But I didn’t think too much of it. Last night we couldn’t have sex for reasons that don’t matter but I told him I’d be keen soon. So today I messaged him about 5.45pm pretty bluntly seeing if he wanted to tonight. No reply. He had been online but I can’t tell if he’s read it, I don’t think he has read receipts on.

This man gives nothing away in person. I honestly can’t tell what he’s thinking at all. We have so much fun and he’s obviously allowed me to stay at his place, I was trying not to over think but now the lack of response has made me feel pretty embarrassed!

Imo if you’re not a texter, that’s okay, but I think you then have to be quite clear in some other way, in person for example, how you’re feeling. Because right now I don’t have a clue where I stand and I’m feeling a bit humiliated. I don’t think he’s the type to ghost.

It’s only been six weeks, I don’t need him to tell me anything major, I just want some insight as to how he’s feeling because this man should be a professional poker player - absolutely nothing is coming across what so ever!

I’m a big believer in love languages and mine is physical touch, but admittedly, only when I’ve got to know someone well and feel really comfortable with them. We’re definitely speaking different languages, or perhaps he’s not even speaking at all!

How can I broach this while still being super laid back and chill all the damn time so as not to scare him off ? But also standing up for myself and making it clear that I don’t want to waste time investing energy in someone that’s not going to fulfil my needs?

UPDATE!

Thanks to all those who replied, this sub is so helpful for just seeing things how they are, even if the advice can be brutal! But I needed it!

He has now replied, apologising and blaming it on work. He’s asked if I’m free over the weekend.

Honestly I like him a lot but like, this isn’t it for me. Like many of you pointed out, I was afraid to have this conversation when I’m entitled to know where I stand. And that’s all I’m asking really, I don’t need any major plot developments. So I’ve told him the one night I’m free over the weekend and then I’m pulling back a little. He can take it or leave it. If he’s interested then he knows how to get in touch with me but I’m not going to make myself super available for someone when I don’t even know how they feel yet.

I guess I want to come across as chill and laid back because I want to be that way, but there’s a balance between being laid back, and just demanding a certain level of treatment for yourself and having respect for yourself to know when to pull back.

We’ll see …..

This is the place to put any shower thoughts, your complaints/rants about dating, ask for quick advice, serious and (sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.

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I need someone to talk this through. I (F40) broke up with my bf (M46) of 8 months last Saturday and can’t stop thinking whether I overreacted.

Here is the timeline (sorry if it's too lengthy, I’m trying to be detailed and objective). We had a date on Sunday and everything was good as usual. We made tentative plans to see each other midweek.

Monday-we texted but didn't talk on the phone since he knew I had dinner plans with friends.

Tuesday -I didn't hear from him, which is a bit unusual, he usually calls after work and sends a goodnight text every night. I had a hectic day at work, so I didn't reach out and didn't think much of it.

Wednesday -I called him and got an automated text “I’ll call you back”. I waited for about an hour and called again, no response and went to sleep. There was no goodnight text either.

Thursday morning I messaged him saying that I didn't hear back from him and I was worried. He replied apologizing saying that he meant to call me back. He did call me that day saying that he is having issues with his ex-wife, that he is trying to work on (they’ve been battling in court for the past 2 years). He also said that on Friday after work he would be going to visit his son who lives about 2,5 hours away. The call didn't last long as he got another incoming call. I tried calling him later, but he didn't pick up. No goodnight message.

Friday-I called when I thought he would be on the road (he likes talking and driving), no answer, no messages.

Saturday - I texted him because I got a delivery of something I ordered for him a week ago and he needed it for the next week. He didn't reply. He is the person who replies instantly to his text messages, within a minute or two. I waited 3 hours and called, he didn't pick up. At this point I was starting to feel super anxious and uneasy, things didn't feel right. This is the person I talked to every day, and who initiated most of our communication. Not proud of it, but in my spiraling anxious state of mind I asked my friend to call his #. She did and he immediately picked up. She hung up the phone. So about 40 minutes later I called him from my phone and got a text saying “I’ll call you back”. Another 3 hours go by (it’s about 10 pm) and I'm even more anxious so I call again (3rd time that day). He sends texts that he can’t talk and will call when he can. At this point my friend calls his phone from her google voice and he picks up and sounds fine. We hang up (embarrassingly childish I know) and I just snap, the not knowing what is happening and him avoiding and distancing himself for a week emotionally drained me. I sent him a polite text saying that I wish we could handle things like adults and have a conversation and that ignoring is not the way to deal with things, sincerely wishing him all the best.

I didn't hear back since.

So lay it on me, am I a psycho, is he an asshole, are we both idiots? Was I overreacting? Or was I right in my reaction and it seemed shady that he stopped answering my calls but would answer unknown #s?

I made some posts here a few years back, nervous about a date I was about to embark on.

This community was super helpful with advice on my Hinge profile and before and after our first date.

As of last week, I can happily say we are now engaged to be married!

Pic: https://imgur.com/a/lAHgApU

I wanna once again thank this subreddit community for all the helpful advice I was given.

I also still wanna wish the best of luck to all those on here looking for that special someone!

Previous posts:

Hinge Profile: https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/lksfre/30m_hinge_profile_review/

Before 1st date: https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/n406f4/i_30m_am_going_on_my_first_inperson_date_in_over/

We're an item: https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/p0ot9p/i_31m_want_to_sincerely_thank_datingoverthirty/

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I'm wondering if it's too fast to get engaged to my boyfriend of 6 months. We love each other very much and are on the same page about everything, but I also recognize that I've known this man for less than half a year so that gives me some pause as well. I know there are stories of people meeting, falling in love, and getting married super quickly and it all working out for them, but I also know that people often ignore possible red flags early in dating. So I'm wondering what side of the spectrum I fall into.

Some context...I'm 38F and my boyfriend is 40M. We met at trivia one night at a local bar in our neighborhood. We fell for each other right away and have been dating ever since. We've talked about all the big things (religion, politics, values, family planning, finances, etc) and are completely aligned on everything. We've also met each other's friends and families and everyone gets along great. Since we're both in our late 30s (well him early 40s) and we want to have kids someday, we know we can't wait forever to start doing that. We have acknowledged that we fell in love quickly but also don't have rose colored glasses on and know that we'll have bumps along the way. We've also discussed getting into couples counseling and continuing to be self-aware about issues that could arise as we get to know each other more. We're both really committed to talking through issues, having healthy communication, and making the other one feel safe and secure.

Lately we've been discussing our timelines for moving in together, getting married, and having kids. The other night I asked him when he thought we might get married and he replied "this year." And I was like, "this year?! It's already April!" and he said well let's move in together this year and get married early 2025. The crazy thing is it doesn't seem crazy to me. I want to marry this man so badly. Am I rushing into things? What other things should I consider before we get engaged? Any success stories from marrying someone in less than a year? Or horror stories? So far my friends are split on the issue. One says "when you know you know" and the other says maybe I should slow down and just keep getting to know each other.

TLDR: Should my boyfriend and I get engaged after only knowing each other 6 months or should we slow our roll a bit?

I’m 32yo F going on dates with a 41yo male. We see each other about 1-2x a week for 1.5 months now usually 4+ hours at a time and have stayed over at eachother’s apartments. At some point a few dates in I proposed we do things properly and not date anyone else and just see where things go. He agreed, but idk it still doesn’t feel like I’m properly his girlfriend. Last time we were out together his friend asked me how I knew him and I gave the safe answer‘we’re on a date’ but he specifically clarified to his friend that we met on a dating app which is true but seemed unnecessary. I feel like I’m over analyzing everything. I don’t want to be the pushy one and then find out he was just going with the flow but I feel like it should be pretty clear to him by now how he feels about me in the moment (now of course that could change in the future) but I kind of want to know how he feels now and it’s hard to tell. How do I bring this up without seeming desperate?

I (38M) recently had a friend (34F), I'll call Tammy, pull an a-hole move telling a whole group of women that were chatting me up at a singles event that I am not dating intentionally. I confronted her on this which lead to a debate about what it means to date with intention.

For background, last year I had dated someone for 3 months and it didn't work out. No big deal. Shortly after I hit my breaking point with my family being shitty toward me and my mental health plummeted. This effected pretty much every aspect of my life and the depressed state I was in made it nearly impossible to focus on anything. I didn't think it would be fair to date during this time so I spent the last 10 months going to therapy, creating better relationships with my family, strengthening friendships, refocusing on my career, and defining my relationship goals. I was still sleeping with my ex for a bit after we split until I put a stop to that 8 months ago because this wasn't good for my mental health either. I decided that I wanted to be celibate and just focus on my mental health and other aspects of my life.

Fast forward to April. I have a better than ever relationship with my family with the help of my therapist and some hard conversations, I am excelling in my career, my friendships are strong, and overall I am feeling great! My therapist thought I should get back into dating a couple of months prior, but I just didn't feel ready until late March. While I was slowly getting back to using the normal apps to date I decided to meet someone off of Feeld who I will call Sarah. We had a great first date and ended up having sex. I wasn't quite sure what Sarah was looking for since she was recently single, but we had fun and ended up going on more dates. In the meantime, I was still chatting with women on the traditional dating apps even though I wasn't going on any other dates.

The day Tammy told this group of women that I was not dating intentionally was after I had been on 3 dates with Sarah. Tammy went golfing with a new friend that morning and said she would let me know if they ended up going out after. She let me know where to meet up and when I arrived there were a lot of women who started asking me if I'm single and if I was intentionally dating. I said I was then Tammy announced to this group of strangers that I was not dating intentionally and that I had sex with Sarah a week prior which was highly infuriating and embarrassing. It was only about 2 weeks later that I found out she was at a singles event when I showed up. I thought this was just a social golf club that she was trying to make friends at.

The reason for this post is because after talking with Tammy a couple days ago about that situation she tried to make the point that because Sarah and I had sex so early it didn't meet her definition of dating with intention. I told her that we have different definitions of what it means to date with intention apparently. I didn't see an issue with having sex for the first time in 8 months after intentionally working on myself and defining my dating goals. My therapist (38F) also thinks that this was healthy and is still in line with dating intentionally. At the end of the day I ended up really liking Sarah and dated her exclusively for all of April. We had a serious talk this past weekend about relationship goals in hopes of getting off the apps and having a more serious relationship, unfortunately, we aren't aligned enough to keep going so we broke it off.

Even after talking it out and knowing the whole story with Sarah after we split Tammy is sticking to her guns saying that she was in the right. Saying her view is the view every woman she has met has. I told her my view is that having sex once in 8 months doesn't distract from being intentional. It's not like I'm trying to have sex with whoever will let me. I asked if I am just supposed to never have sex until I am in another serious relationship which could be months or years to which she had no answer. I believe that as long as you're putting your energy into only 1 or perhaps 2 people in this early phase of dating with the goal of pushing a long-term relationship or marriage, then you are intentionally dating. If sex happens then it happens though it should not be the primary motivation for dating someone.

Hey guys, just looking for a looking for a little perspective here. I'm a 44 year old guy, divorced about six years ago. Since then I've jumped into online dating. I'll go on and off the apps, taking breaks when necessary and in that time since I divorced I've had maybe around 40 first dates.

Of those 40, I've really only felt a "spark" with 2 and they both said no thanks. Of the rest, most I've let go within 2-3 dates. Some have gone longer, maybe a couple of weeks or months. But in the end, I've broken it off with all of them. Are my standards too high and I'm just too picky? I mean, you feel the "spark" or you don't, right?

It's not like I'm on some kind of timetable to get married (ha, never again) or have (more) kids. My single life is fine and I'm happy. It's just I miss those relationship kinds of things (both emotional and physical). If I didn't "settle" somewhat, I would still have not had any physical connections since the divorce.

I'm wondering this again about settling as I'm planning a fourth date with a perfectly fine woman. She checks most of the important boxes, but that "spark" just isn't there. We get along fine and have a good time. I consider her attractive, but I just don't have that feeling I've had in the past. Is that just how more mature relationships work?

This is the place to put any shower thoughts, your complaints/rants about dating, ask for quick advice, serious and (sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.

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I am supposedly smart/gifted. Not so much that I have dozens of accolades, but enough so that I can easily hold my own with STEM people in conversations happily.

I would keep matching with people who are likewise but also have those many impressive accolades. I feel like people talk about personality mattering, confidence, etc but data shows similar lifestyles and socioeconomic status has a bigger part to play. I keep asking myself if it's worth investing time and money going on dates with these albeit wonderful people regardless. I'm curious what other women's personal and honest feelings/thoughts are about those career or wealth differences. Maybe you are one of those wonderful people and it nice to hear as anon.

In short, I match with a lot of ivy people. I am not an ivy person. I usually go for it, but I am not a titan of industry and heavy career person so I'm thinking that might be related to the disconnect.

All assumptions yes. Hence processing thoughts here.

This is the place to put any shower thoughts, your complaints/rants about dating, ask for quick advice, serious and (sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.

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I went to my housemate’s birthday party at a restaurant on Saturday and got to meet quite a few of her friends that night for the first time. There was this one friend of hers who I thought I felt some connection with. Didn’t show any obvious signs that night that I was interested as there were quite a few people, everyone was socializing, loud music and I was a wee bit tipsy as well. I am planning to tell my housemate and get her blessing before asking her friend if she would be ok to go out for a coffee. I am also low key concerned if this could affect their friendship.

Has anyone been in a similar situation before and how did turn out?

Looking for some insight, or maybe just validation for my frustration.

I’m on multiple dating apps and last January I matched with a gal on Bumble I thought was awesome. I’m rarely excited about matches and unmatch before even sending a message a lot of the time. Well since it was Bumble she had to message first, and even after using the 24 hour extension, the match expired and she was gone.

Here we are 4 months later and I received a like on FB Dating from her yesterday afternoon! This time I sent a simple message saying hello and asking how her weekend was going. Andddddd no reply 24 hours later now.

I know I know not everyone lives on their phone. Some people are ambivalent when it comes to online dating. Some people are intimidated by speaking to someone on the internet. I get it.

The vibe from her profile doesn’t line up with any of that and I know my best option at this point is to just do nothing and wait. Has anyone else dealt with matching with the same person multiple times but they never respond? What ended up happening?

EDIT-

I’m specifically asking about instances where people match multiple times over different apps but still never engage in ANY conversation. If it was one time I get it, not interested. Finding me on two different apps and still not messaging? While living in a rural area where quality matches are hard to come by? That’s strange to me and I was just looking to share frustration and maybe gain insight. Anyways thanks for the comments!

This is the place to put any shower thoughts, your complaints/rants about dating, ask for quick advice, serious and (sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.

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Hey all! I'm a bi man, currently only visible to women and nonbinary people. Looking for LTR, monogamy, open to kids. Preferably a vegetarian or similar.

I get a couple matches a week but they often seem pretty unengaged, unexcited, and frequently cancel dates. Maybe it's just my personality!

The thirst trap picture with the thong might be controversial but I've done some informal A/B testing and it does seem to get matches from the type of person I'm interested in. The kinky nerds.

I like Alternate 3 picture but it's close to a decade old, I just don't have many good pictures of me climbing even though it's my primary hobby.

https://imgur.com/a/P8Afm8m

We have been out 3 times and it seems like texting from his side is decreasing after every time we meet in person. We were talking every other day before we met in person and then it just got less and less after each date. He will reply if I text but he initiates less. We have a 4th date planned but not confirmed yet. I plan to ask him about it because it is very confusing for me at this point. If this is his style then is fine although I would like if it was a bit more communication during the week. It would be interesting to know how other people view this TIA

Hi all!

I'm 33M, looking for a long term relationship. Never had my profile reviewed before on any subreddit, but figured this would be a good place to start! Hinge was my go-to for a few years, but my likes and matches have fallen off a cliff when compared to the past. I've been on the app for about a month, so maybe I need to give it more time or just reset it.

Ladies: is there anything that would be immediately off-putting about my profile? Or anything I could do better as far as prompts? I could stand to get a few new pics, but how's the rest look?

Bonus: I normally don't state outright that I don't want kids of my own but I'd rather be transparent about it. However I'm concerned this would discourage women on the fence or single moms out there (I would date both groups). Thoughts?

Hinge profile

Edit: my age range is 28-43, forgot to mention that.

Edit 2: thanks for all the constructive feedback. And the compliments 🥹

I'll attempt to summarize things here:

• prompts are mostly solid, but I'll work on being a tad more concise
• I don't need to mention comedy twice (not even sure why I did)
• mention of not wanting biological children, I'll apply a couple of the suggestions here and see what flows better with the rest of the profile. Might omit it entirely, not sure yet.
• photos...oh the photos, 2-3 them need to go, especially #3 seeming like the worst offender. A formal wear and group photo are needed.

I 33F have a tendency to take the initiative to plan to meet people when they tell me they want to see me. As an example, I met a guy on a vacation for 1 day, and he instantly invited me back there end June and to a festival beginning June. Now he is suddenly spontaneously in the same country as me, and told me we should meet. I asked to have a phone call to plan, and we found a day. He then had to cancel because of a death in his family (very understandable!). He told me he still really wanted to see me after my vacation (I was away until yesterday). I asked Wednesday if he wanted to join a small day festival today. Haven't heard from him since. I noticed that when he or anyone else tells me that they want to see me, I want to do my best to make it happen (also with friends). But often, the plans I try to make go down the drain, and the person telling me they want to see me doesn't take other initiative other than telling me we should meet.. The guy doesn't owe me anything, so I'm not mad at him, but I'm mad at myself and being ignored suddenly, of course, does make me sad.. I feel like I should be better at just going with the flow and not going out of my way to make it happen that we meet up.. I feel that if I try to make things happen, the universe go against me, where if I just chill and see what happens, everything goes more smoothly.. but I also don't want to be cold or just act if I don't care, and I worry a bit that we will never meet again if I don't try to plan it..

I'm just not sure what the best approach to these situations are?

I was talking to a friend the other day about how my past relationships and how they all failed one way or the other, and that I can't understand why. I am friends with my exes and we text and talk. Sometimes, they do want to come back onto my life... nothing toxic, all friendly breakups or they just naturally fizzle out.

She said there is probably a pattern that I am repeating but I can't seem to put a finger on it. It seems I fall for the emotionally unavailable type of guys. There is never a clear explanation of why they can't pursue a relationship with me. I have to say I do not have much experience dating, I tend to be super naive and just be smitten with words and not pay close attention to actions rather.

Today, I feel shit to be honest. I feel like I failed and go over the past and rehash every single relationship and how I might have fucked up.
I spoke to a therapist and she wasn't the most helpful, just the most generic stuff you see on social media. just be yourself, be happy, focus on yourself and you will eventually meet someone...

Any advice on how you were able to break a cycle of bad dating and find someone who is willing to commit long term? 🙏🏻

This is the place to put any shower thoughts, your complaints/rants about dating, ask for quick advice, serious and (sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.

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Edit #2: these comments really fucked me up so I ended up talking to my partner about what is happening. I told him I had all this content and was starting to feel horrible about it because of how it's going with us. And how I want it off my ex's phone too but don't wanna contact him. He - being a wonderfully secure and trusting man said he totally understands, isn't upset about my past, and I'm free to do what I want with it. And that he trusts me completely. It was a really nice vulnerable conversation and I'm really glad we had it. Thank you to the naysayers who made me afraid this would be the end. It pushed me to have the chat. I wish you all a healthy love and am very grateful for mine.

Edit: obviously my ex is aware - we both have the footage. And the breakup was amicable and we both agreed to not destroy it. I appreciate the few helpful comments. I'm going to go with a thumb drive that joins the rest of my journals in which I've been documenting my life/sexual journey since my teenage years. It's ok if it just gathers dust. And if it gets corrupted so be it.

Sooo I have recently started seeing my uhhh dream guy. A few days ago we made it 'official', as in I asked him if he wanted to be my boyfriend and he said yes (yay!!)

I um, have a lot of content in my hidden folder with my ex, we filmed ourselves a lot. Now that I am official with my current partner (he's the absolute best, things are really great, we really really really really like each other and I don't wanna fuck this up), I am realising I'm uncomfortable with having this content with my ex on my phone.

I would like to get it off my phone but I don't want to delete it permanently. It's documentation of my life and I don't want to destroy it - it's a part of my story. But I don't need to see it or have access to it easily.

I don't really want to put it on a hard drive because those get corrupted and idk feels kinda shady.. has anyone been in this situation before or have a good solve for where it can be stored? It's technically porn so... A secure cloud storage solution maybe? Idk. Open to ideas, even if an HD ends up being the consensus.

This is the place to put any shower thoughts, your complaints/rants about dating, ask for quick advice, serious and (sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.

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This is a follow up to my original post:

https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/s/uJWUU3cyWx

What I (33) left out from the original post because I didn’t want to be judged, was that the next morning after our sleep over, I woke up very early around 6 am because that helps all the time when I sleep in a space that isn’t my home.

This was the morning of my birthday and I figured I’d go home as I had dinner plans with my friends but I didn’t want to just leave without saying anything. So I knocked in his room. He (34) was still sleeping, then he started asking me how I slept blah blah blah then I ended up feeling sleepy again and we cuddled up and slept until 11 where he offered to make me breakfast.

Anyways, today we were texting about him being a player and I straight out told him about my thoughts and he admitted that he gets a lot of attention from women and he has commitment phobia. I told him that I want something serious and he is not that. We talked about the prospects of meet up as friends which basically includes continuing our exercises together.

You may judge me for this and think it’s odd but I proposed that since I am going to be single for a while we occasionally meet up to make dinner and watch movies and then cuddle and if he’s open to it, we could even have sleepovers. I made it clear that I don’t want sex because once sex is involved I will for sure get attached. I know how to control myself so I’m not worried about temptation

I asked this because while I’m not ready for a relationship, he made me miss and crave affection a lot. I’ve been single for two years and doing just fine mostly but now I want to cuddle and watch movies with someone but I don’t want a relationship just yet.

He did say it would be difficult to not be horny during the process but he’s open to it.

I would have preferred to have the conversation in person but it was overall good despite it being via text.

Am I crazy for this? Or am I just being human?

This is the place to put any shower thoughts, your complaints/rants about dating, ask for quick advice, serious and (sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.

This post will be moderated, so if you see something breaking the rules, please report it.

This is the place to put any shower thoughts, your complaints/rants about dating, ask for quick advice, serious and (sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.

This post will be moderated, so if you see something breaking the rules, please report it.

I've never desired to get married. I'm not against it, but I've never actively wanted it.

However, lately, I've been binging out on waaayyy over-the-top romantic literature. (It feels like I'm huffing uncut adolescent crush feelings from the side of can of spray paint). So, I'm curious why do people want to get married? What would that life look like?

This is the place to put any shower thoughts, your complaints/rants about dating, ask for quick advice, serious and (sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.

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I (just turned 33) had the most terrible year in 2023 in just about all aspects of my life and ended up moving to a different country and different city.

Since I’ve always had issues with getting attached easily and then getting depressed when things don’t workout, I decided in this new city I was just going to spend time alone and just be for a while… no apps no nothing but also because people told me it’s terrible to date here and I decided to listen.

I moved beginning of September and then in December I was invited to a NYE party by a lady I had just met who knew I didn’t have many friends because I had just moved.

I was hesitant to go because I only knew her and she was the host but decided to go. Party was mostly quiet as everyone is in their 40s and 50s and around midnight in walks a new but louder group. One of guys, let’s call him M (40), walks to me and introduces himself, writes my name on his notes and makes a promise to remember it.

Everyone heads to the rooftop, we watch fireworks but I’m standing in a corner as everyone is hugging and kissing and doing all the couple stuff. M shouts for me, finds me and gives me a hug. We go downstairs and sit facing each other just talking, around 4 am I decide it’s time for me to head home. He takes my phone saves his number with his name and what we talked about… one very long funny sentence and says we should grab coffee sometime.

Next day, I wake up looking at the picture from the night and I stare at his number wondering if I should text or not but end up texting. He replies and tells me he’s going on a ski trip and would be back on the 13th and would text me then to hangout.

13 comes and goes and I hear nothing from him since the last message. I decide to delete his number and keep it moving. Then toward the end of Jan he finally texts and tells me he’s been busy and would love to grab coffee. At this point I’m annoyed and decide not to respond.

Two weeks later I meet with the friend who was the host of the party, I ask her what she thinks of him. She says “He’s an amazing guy, if anything I’m sure you’d be good friends BUT he has a girlfriend although I don’t know what’s going on with that”

I don’t know why but I decide to text him and he doesn’t reply and then two days later I joking ask if he’s mad that I didn’t reply to his text for two weeks and he replies and says he’d been busy with work but he wasn’t mad. We start planning our “meetup”

1st of March he comes to pick me up and we end hanging out from 3pm to 3 am in the morning.

During this time, we end up at his apartment so he can drop his car and wear warmer clothes as we are head to the bar. He then opens up about having a gf (38). Tells me they have been on a break since October due to her mental wellbeing and her refusal to get help. He then goes on to tell me he doesn’t know at what stage their relationship is but the plan is to get a therapist for her and a mediator as they can’t talk to each other without her screaming at him and then decide what to do from then on. Because our meet up wasn’t characterised as a date, I decided to just go with it.

We’ve met up at least once a week since , sometimes planned and sometimes spontaneous. I met all of his friends, there were moments of physical touch but nothing intimate, no kissing or nothing but sometimes we would just stand while holding each other when waiting for a cab or just standing. Because he is tall, he likes having his arm around my neck and resting chin on my head.

We gave each other stupid nicknames that only we would understand. He would pick me up and if we used public transportation he would get a cab to drop me off first then drop him after so he knows I am safe. He does cheesy things like walking behind me when I walk up the stairs and in front of me when I walk down and says if I fall at least I will fall on him.He opens doors. He calls instead of texting if I am upset about something in relation to him. Sometimes he calls just because. He wants kids, wants marriage and is a self-established man. He gets my Humor and I get his but we also can talk about deep stuff that I don’t get to open up about. I don’t get anxious when he doesn’t text, in fact I trust this man so much more than any man I’ve ever been close to and yes I caught feelings with all that cheese.

At this point you’re probably screaming girl… he has a gf. Well we kept hanging out without ever talking about his gf and two weeks ago I realized I had caught feelings because I missed him so much but could not tell him this, it felt weird. So I decided to leave my phone behind while on a trip for two days. I came back home and found text for him asking if I was ignoring him. I texted him immediately that I needed to breathe cause I was in my feelings. He said he was in his feelings too cause he is used to speaking to me everyday , at this point I had told his friend the host that I was confused about what is going on cause we hangout and have never said our hangouts are dates but I know he likes me and I like him too but he is taken. The friend told another one of their friends that she was now worried that he would hurt me.

He found this out and wasn’t happy that she didn’t speak to him about it. So then finally this past weekend we had dinner and spoke about what’s going on. Currently he and his now ex have ended their relationship. She moved her things out yesterday but he still have to make sure she’s okay financially as he was response for most of her finances and they have been together for four years. He also needs to assist in her finding a place to stay which might take months in this overcrowded city.

He did say he really likes me too but most importantly he respects and values me enough that he wouldn’t want to date me right now. He needs time to heal and be on his own for a while especially since he still has to deal with ex for few months.

I am 100% behind this decision because when I realised that I like him, I also realized that he might not be in the right space to enter into a serious relationship which is something I want and it’s not fair to expect that of him.

So while we will still spend time with each other, I will also be dating other people and him Too possibly.

Guess what I’m trying to say is, has anyone ever been in a similar situation and can share how it turned out?

I just think at 38(f), it’s time for me to just be happy with what I have and try to make things work with my recent ex. There literally aren’t other options on the apps (I get about two unemployed or bots a day and the stack is otherwise empty). I go out every day and am involved socially. I meet men all the time and they are in relationships. So it has me thinking, am I being stupid here? I can’t be the only person dealing with someone’s attachment problems. Should I find a way to deal with it and stop expecting the stability of the boyfriends from my past?

He’d be considered fearful avoidant. Great guy and the relationship started really well. In fact, it was the relationship moving toward marriage that kicked off the attachment problems and I basically watched him sabotage his way through the last thread of connection with me. He still wants the relationship but has built up so much resentment and contempt from his own outbursts and hyper vigilance that he’s stuck and I’m exhausted and over it. But it’s generally better than the hell of dating I’ll be honest. Because we have a nice life together which I definitely don’t have alone.

I see a lot of boyfriends and husbands who seem like anyone I’ve dated. A lot of neurotic guys, guys with wandering eyes. Surely they can’t all be securely attached…what’s the secret to having a relationship with them?

How are you all dealing with insecure partners? What do you do with the outbursts and sabotage? It’s either figure this out or likely miss my window.

UPDATE: thank you all for these really helpful comments. I’m realizing that I’m just fighting a scarcity mindset due to the very limited dating options and it’s making me question my standards and my own healthy relationship skills. Like, if you can’t beat them, join them. And sort of wondering if the requirement to be in a relationship at this age is to accept it as unhealthy. I really appreciate all of the comments that are reminding me otherwise. Maybe this is a good reminder for all of us not to let that scarcity mindset creep in and stay positive.

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