Discussion and advice on dating and the dating phase of relationships for people over the age of 30

This is the place to put any shower thoughts, your complaints/rants about dating, ask for quick advice, serious and (sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.

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I’m 35, about to be 36. Female. Never married. No kids. Want marriage. Want at least one kid…and dogs and a nice home.

I had a bad decade of life due to a health issue so missed out on prime dating years. And career years.

I’m working to lose a lot of weight. I think in about 60lbs more loss, I am going to start putting myself out there to date.

I haven’t ever been on apps. I hate being on social media. I’m not hot. I’m cute. Silly. Can hold a good conversation.

I feel like apps are for hot people.

Should I eventually get on an app, or…honestly Idk what else to do.

36F and he’s a 42M. We’re both equally as attractive. He had extended his match with me so I gave it a shot and was pleasantly surprised. We spoke for about 3 weeks before our first date. About a handful of messages a day, always with questions on both our parts. Finally had the date and there was immediate interest, both sides, evident by the touchiness, 4.5 hr date, and makeout by the end.

Now usually I try to not be the first to message, but frankly I wanted to just break the rules. So I did right after the date with a message about an ongoing bit we had going on, and he replied with intent for a second date. I reciprocated interest and per his suggestion, tried to align a date that would work for both of us after the holiday. But he never replied to that part and instead replied to the other part of the convo, and now we’ve kinda just been talking about other things (at my effort, since he hasn’t really asked questions anymore). It’s been a mix of flirty and regular convo.

He’s traveling internationally for the holiday week. It’s now been 24 hours since I sent my last response. He’s been on WhatsApp (I can see his status), but my messages have been unread. For ref the last message was exchanging some flirty banter and then asking him how his trip was going so far.

I definitely won’t double text as I very much believe silence (with enough time ofc) is answer enough. But should I consider this dead in the water? Or is there a possibility he responds at some point?

This is the place to put any shower thoughts, your complaints/rants about dating, ask for quick advice, serious and (sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.

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This is the place to put any shower thoughts, your complaints/rants about dating, ask for quick advice, serious and (sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.

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Original Post

As mentioned in the original post, I [M33] have been dating a girl [F27] who just came out of a relationship. The relationship hadn't been meeting her needs for a while and by the time she had initiated the breakup, she had already checked out emotionally.

It's now been two months and our connection started to become stronger and it feels like we're a really genuine match in a lot of areas. I was her long-time crush and I'm quite positive that this isn't a rebound situation.

She confessed that she's starting to fall in love and that a lot of things feel right to her, but then also got scared and emotionally overwhelmed that things might be going too fast after her breakup. Additionally, she hasn't dated anyone new in 5 years.

Last weekend she then communicated that she needs some space to figure some things out, but also, that things are fine between us and I shouldn't worry, along with some kind words (e.g. she feels really safe with me, she values our time together and so on). Our communication is reduced to a minimum in order to respect her need for space, but we have a date planned on Saturday that is still taking place.

This sudden uncertainty and change in intensity triggered some anxiety in me and I'm having a hard time to assess the situation more objectively. On the one hand, I'm starting to feel the need to enforce some boundaries to protect myself, on the other hand she has been open and direct about all of her emotions and never mentioned that she's thinking about breaking things off. Her need for space seems appropriate given the context, but I'm also scared that it might be the start of a slow fade out. It feels a bit like a sort of rejection.

Is there a reasonable middle ground between giving her space to fully deal with the breakup, but also get my own need for some consistency met? Or are the only options to either go all-in or cut all ties? These kind of situations make me feel like I'm completely out of control and my happiness is dependant on someone else's decision – which shouldn't be the case and isn't the case in any other areas of my life.

Is it worth going through some anxiety and uncertainty, and wait until the other person is fully ready?

EDIT: You guys were right and sometimes I find it really hard to listen to reason. She canceled the date because she needs to process her feelings.

I have been out on four dates with this woman that I like. During dates everything flows so nicely, good conversation, laughter, making out. In between dates things are a bit more inconsistent, like texting it’s a mixed bag, she is no rush to see each other after the dates. At one point I even asked her why she was no longer interested, (I thought it was done) to which she responded that she is interested. After that we had a great date.

So I don’t know if I am making progress or not. Default answer in Reddit is to ask but something I have notice with the majority of women that I dated, they are very ambiguous and don’t like direct questions.

This is the place to put any shower thoughts, your complaints/rants about dating, ask for quick advice, serious and (sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.

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This is the place to put any shower thoughts, your complaints/rants about dating, ask for quick advice, serious and (sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.

This post will be moderated, so if you see something breaking the rules, please report it.

I 100% do not want and never want to have children. I don't want to travel, go camping, go to concerts, get a dog, or any of the usual stuff you see on dating apps.

This has locked me out of so many people and my dating pool is extremely small even on the apps in the middle of big cities.

...And this makes me double down on the thing that made me start dating in the first place: I am happy with myself. I didn't want to start trying to date before, because I was very unhappy in a lot of aspects and knew it would be quite crushing.

If I weren't, then I'd be putting so much stake into getting a partner that I'd be depressed about it. But because I made a number of changes in my life that put me in a very good position to be happy and to not hate myself (mentally, physically, neurodivergence, and general personality) it means that I can just set those filters on Hinge as "deal breakers", go through the lot of them, then go about my day.

Now 99% of people still reject me and that 1% will maybe lead to a date. In about 3 months of trying this I have got a date with 1 person. But I'm better equip to deal with that than before. It was a fun couple of dates and I've made a friend.

If you're lonely, dating will not fix that. If you're on the balance of things overall unhappy, finding a partner won't fix that.

If you already have a neutral or positive level of happiness with yourself and you have some level of fulfilment, then being in a situation like mine won't hurt that much. You will see it as a minor setback in an otherwise good life.

It's easier said than done. I hope whoever reads this and needs to hear it will find happiness in some way.

Would you consider it a red flag that a 35 year old woman has only been in one relationship, that lasted 2.5 years? From age 26 to 28 and so has been single for 7 years now.

I’ve never had a lot of luck in dating. I make an effort to date. Have gone on so many dates, but it’s seemingly super rare to find someone who you like, who likes you, and is on the same page, looking for the same thing, seeing it in each other, and are actually compatible.

There have been plenty of guys I’ve dated over the years who we date for a couple months and it either fizzles out or one or both of us realize it’s not the right match and it ends before it progresses to a relationship. Have also been on a bunch of first or first + second dates and it ends there because I realize I’m not interested though he is. Or I’m interested but he decides he’s not.

For what it’s worth, I’m fairly attractive. I get lots of matches on dating apps and get approached when I go out. I’m kind, funny, smart, a pretty good conversationalist, and have a good job.

These questions always come up early dating, “how long have you been single?” “What was your longest relationship?” “How many relationships have you been in?”

I’ll usually just say I’ve been single for a few years but sometimes they press. And then seem visibly shocked by my answer (widened eyes, raised eyebrows). To the point that I’m wondering if maybe I should just lie about it but I don’t want to do that. I can’t help but think when they react that way they’re thinking “what’s wrong with her, if no one has snatched her up in the past 7 years there’s probably something wrong with her, or maybe she’s not relationship material, or how is she 35 but only been in one long-term but not that long relationship, etc”

I mean if I really wanted to be in a relationship for the sake of it I could pretty easily do that. But I don’t want something for the sake of it. I only want it if it’s right. And that’s seemingly very hard to find. But it seems like the norm for everyone else to jump from one relationship to the next pretty easily / frequently.

Sorry if this is a little long but just trying to get the right details in. My buddies and I went on a short vacation over the weekend. Yesterday, our flights got delayed (mine extra long on another airline), and so we popped into a sports bar to watch football. A girl very much my type sat down not too far from me and after a while it was clear she was there by herself. I was kinda beating myself that I should talk to her, but at the same time felt like it was kinda pointless... but I was even considering it so much I texted my group text to get opinions, lol.

Anyways, my friends had to leave for their flight, and I was alone. Some dude at the bar made a ridiculous comment to his girlfriend, and the woman and I made eye contact, rolled our eyes at each other, and then started to get talking. For about 20-30 minutes we chatted about all kinds of things, including how I wasn't sure if my flight was going to be canceled. She had to go meet some friends, so I thought that's where things would end and we said our goodbyes.

But, a few minutes later she came back to the bar and exchanged numbers! If my flight was cancelled, she was down to get some drinks and hang out after getting done with her friends. I was pretty stoked... and honestly for a bit even reconsidered maybe just swapping out flights to the next day.

Ultimately my flight didn't get canceled, and she texted me when I was at the airport. We bantered for a while through text before I took off.

When I landed, I texted her to let her know, asked an innocuous question... and I haven't heard back since. It was relatively late but nothing too bad.

Now I don't know if I should try to follow up one more time, maybe exchange Instagrams, keep in touch for a while... I don't live THAT far, it's under an hour flight and under a 5 hour drive. But I'm probably overthinking it.

Should I try to maintain any kind of contact or just move on at this point, and accept it was just two ships passing in the night?

I (31F) met someone (30M) at a work event. I thought there was a spark, but wanted to tread lightly since we work for the same company (different teams, different buildings in the same city), so I followed up and asked him to lunch as colleagues.

At lunch, I felt more confident that the interest was mutual, so the next day when we crossed paths at another work event, it turned into one-on-one drinks and ended with a kiss. Awesome!

It’s been about two weeks, and we didn’t know each other at all before our first happenstance meeting. This is unexpected and exciting, but I’ve never dated a colleague (and he says he hasn’t either). I have expressed wanting to move slowly, which he agrees with. With the upcoming holidays and hectic work schedules, we are trying to make plans for a proper first date.

That said, he has expressed a lot of excitement. It’s endearing, but I feel a bit… vigilant. For example, I’ve mentioned wanting to visit a country abroad, and he said he’d love to join me on the trip. Or, if I moved abroad, he would visit me. Another time, I told him I didn’t care for something he said, and he apologized, saying he wouldn’t “intentionally bring anyone down, let alone someone that I obviously care about.” Maybe I’m being sensitive, but how can you “care about” someone you’ve just met? I don’t mean, like, as a human being; the turn of phrase just came across as overly emotionally invested.

While he has been very effusive/complimentary, he’s responsive when I ask to cool things off a bit.

I know I have my own bias: I finalized a divorce a little over a year ago after several years with a very avoidant/aloof/cold person, and the first person I dated was the opposite of that (warm, kind, very expressive in his love for me), which was great. But we broke up after several months largely because I felt he was being too intense and rushing forward. I’m nervous that this could be a similar personality/situation, and even wondering if I’ve somehow overcorrected in the type of people I date. Happy to be told I’m nuts, but this just feels like a lot. Help??

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Two months+ ago I had this whirlwind week with a girl. She told professed a bunch of feelings towards me and told me about stuff about a past abusive ex. She then realized she came on strong and it was push/pull as she figured stuff out for the next two months. I have kept consistent and honest throughout, she has been slow to express her feelings which I am totally cool with. She had a big transition though and is moving a state over for work (10 hours away). She told me it was really tough to meet someone before such a big transition and I basically let her know that she has the opportunity to think about what she wants when the moving dust settles. She invited me to say goodbye last night. She likes me but the whole situation is too emotionally overwhelming right now for her I think. How do I play it from a communication perspective? I’m into her but want her to come to her own conclusion on how she feels. I would like to stay in contact so want to reach out but also not smother her as she works through her emotional past/attachment issues/transition. I’m kind of sad typing this thinking it might not work out because of distance especially considering we are both into each other

I googled and did not find anything.

I'm talking to a Norwegian guy who is used to using lots of emojis and noticed this odd habit of using :( or 🙃 in our conversations. Sometimes it's 😊🙃. I'm pretty sure he's interested in me and the conversations had a friendly vibe, but I don't understand why this emoji is used. I thought it was a typo for :) but I'm not sure now.

Does this emoji mean something else in Europe? It usually means upset, irritated, or sarcasm to me.

Examples from this guy:

I'm glad to hear you know about that thing from my town 😊🙃

I don't mind telling you more but I don't want to bother you if you have other things more important 🙃

Do you practise any art of music, or wish to? 🙃

Don't worry about it, I've reported the tech issues to the developers. No big deal, they're just pics 🙃

I decided to commit an hour each week to a stranger across the world 🙃

...am I missing the sarcastic tone? kinda confused. Would make more sense if it's :) but it's not. Do y'all ask when you don't understand the emojis used?

Edit: thanks for all the responses. it's interesting how many different ways people are using this upside down smiley face emoji. Surprising that many use it as "silly" or "playful", very interesting. for those asking why I am not communicating with my partner, this guy is NOT my partner 🙃 just a long distance pen pal at this point. (We haven't even seen each other's faces yet.) Surely I can ask him directly but I missed the timing and I wanted to hear from other people above 30. That's all. Don't worry, I'll ask him when we're done with our current topics😅

Some background: I lived in a major metropolitan city through my 20s, where for various reasons I never had much luck with good relationships (whether that be from dating breaks and/or noncommittal men). Like many, I had a pandemic move and found myself single at 30 dating in the suburbs.

I’ve had moderate success since move, but no relationships lasting longer than 6-7 months. I hoped to be married with kids by now (actually several years ago, if I’m being honest), but instead I’m 35 with no prospects in sight. Feeling pressured aside (really feels like I’m at a point of giving up on having both marriage and kids), I’m willing to lean on my therapist’s advice that dating is a numbers game, but now (not sure if age related) I’m barely getting matches to even go on dates.

All of this has me wondering if it’s futile to stay where I am if I (even barely) hope to settle down. I really hoped my city time was done and I’m reticent to move just for dating/social life, but small town suburbs just don’t feel designed for single people (mid 30s+) to thrive. That said, I do really love the space and proximity to family here, which I would deeply miss if I moved.

For anyone who’s felt similarly, do you have any words of wisdom? What would be your next move (literal or metaphorical)? And how are you handling your single life in the suburbs? Would love to hear any stories from people with similar experience.

I’ve always been honest about this, as I don’t see why I shouldn’t be, but I feel it is sometimes received negatively. I have also sometimes expressed this as a way to tell myself it is only casual when I know this is what they are after, it helps me to compartmentalise.

UPDATE: Thank you everyone for your perspective while I tried to process this. I was able to talk to him and he was very kind and understanding. He even took it upon himself to speak first and apologize for the state of things.

He admitted he hadn’t planned on us spending time there since we agreed on the party. Other than that his breakup happened when he moved into the house and before meeting me he was looking to move out of state and thus never moved in. He also says he’s been very busy the past month with work.

He’s such a great communicator and seems genuinely sweet. Im glad we talked and I’ve agreed to continue moving forward slowly and we’ll see what happens.

Thanks everyone!

Same question as the title. Have you ever dated or had a relationship with a man who pursued you, but you weren’t initially interested in him. When you first met, you didn’t feel a spark, you didn’t feel initial physical attraction, and you thought of him as a cool person, but maybe just a friend.

I’m in a situation where a friend has asked me out and we’ve gone on one date so far. He’s expressed clear interest in dating me. I feel interested now, but I’m wondering if I’m only interested because he’s now showing me attention or if I’m just starting to come around and see him in a different light.

This is the place to put any shower thoughts, your complaints/rants about dating, ask for quick advice, serious and (sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.

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I typically avoid dating during this time of year because I am estranged/very low contact with my family. And I have a big family. 4 siblings. But our mother has a mental illness and it has wreaved havoc on our relationships. So, as a result, my holidays look different every year. One year, I hosted friends at my place for both Thanksgiving and Xmas...there's usually an odd mix of ppl I know from corners of my life. I've spent it with friends in various different ways. And I've spent a fair share alone.

The last time and only time I've really dated someone around the holidays as an adult - the guy was an asshole. When I suggested we spend Xmas together since he was no longer leaving the city to visit his mom, he said No and insinuated that me doing a staycation at a hotel and taking a bath and ordering room service was weird. So, safe to say the fears I'd had about dating during the holidays while navigating estrangement and strained family relationships came true with the leprauchaun ass looking asshole.

ANYWAY - I recently met someone just out and about. We just had a great 2nd date and kissed and it was amazing. And we're having some great conversations and laughs. With Thanksgiving getting closer and closer, I am having some anxiety and uncertainty around how to answer him when he asks what my plans are for the holiday - especially since I live so close to home. Do I just lie and say that I'll be spending it with family and not get into any of the specifics. Or do I be honest and say I'm going to spend the day with myself most likely. Cooking and chillin and maybe watching a movie or something. I definitely don't want any pity and I am also very sensitive around the subject because it's not an ideal situation, but after a lot therapy and self healing, this is the best way forward for me.

So...just curious of your thoughts. WWYD? Have you actually experienced this as well?

This is the place to put any shower thoughts, your complaints/rants about dating, ask for quick advice, serious and (sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.

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I had a first meet with a girl that went well. She forgot her "favorite" jacket where we ate, but didn't have a car so I picked it up and told her I would return it next time we go out. Tried to make plans two more times and she made up an excuse at the last minute both times, so I told her I would just drop it off where she is staying at. The thing is now I don't feel an obligation to even waste my time to drop it off. It's only a 15 minute drive but its a drive I don't feel like making. And she doesn't have a car so she would have to Uber to get it from me. I was thinking of just donating it to the Goodwill. Would that be a jerk move??

33M and autistic here. I've gone on dates with 14 different women since the start of the summer trying to find my person. Half were mutual no-sparks after 1-2 dates. Some others ended up being 3-4 dates in, and a couple others had even gotten up to 8 dates. No exclusivity talks came about in any of these dates but one, and she said she wanted to keep feeling things out.

What's been really frustrating has been the three women I really connected with and start feeling like, "Oh hey, this is going really well and is definitely headed somewhere!" have then ended with them saying to me they're "not feeling the 'spark' 100% in [their] body" (these have been the longer-running dates).

The women who have said this to me have also said that I'm (all in their words, and all a combination of these qualities):

• "breathtakingly handsome" / "incredibly gorgeous" / "stop-in-my-tracks stunning"
• "wildly smart" / "really clever and quick-witted" / "insanely funny and deep"
• "nicest, sweetest gentleman ever" / "so classy" / "so polite and perfect"
• "like the best friend I never had before" / "make me feel safe" / "non-judgmental and understanding"
• "had me smiling for days after our dates" / "were always on my mind" / "made me excited to get your texts and voice notes each day"

I'm not putting stock into these things they say to me because obviously those qualities aren't what actually generates a spark. Just thought I'd list them because it's confusing as heck for me to get all of this positive feedback but also feel blindsided by the "no spark" eventually.

These dates have also told me that there's really nothing wrong with me or anything I should change because I am "perfect all around", and two of them have even said they felt deeply frustrated with themselves that they couldn't feel a spark after several dates.

For these women as well, we'd also gotten to certain levels of intimacy (making out, heavy petting lol, oral, and sex). Our conversations flowed, we did fun things together, talked deeply about life and dreams, and had tons of laughs. I was always myself, and never acted over-eager, pushy, or anything else like that.

I feel at a loss at how the above qualities + experiences together can be true (unless they were being dishonest with the qualities?) but still I'm hitting this wall with the ones I really connect and truly would love to be in a relationship with. Is there anything else I can do or pay attention to so I can help end this pattern?

I could really use some thoughts/insight from you all because I'm starting to feel something I worked on and thought was put to rest long ago: blaming myself for being on the autism spectrum and feeling like I must be completely misinterpreting things or missing a lot of social cues.

EDIT: Holy cow I had no idea I'd get so many responses, so thank you. I can try and hit a few common points brought up:

• Feedback with intimacy (from kissing onward) has always been really positive, and I've also made sure to check in with my date each step of whatever we're progressing to (and/or let them know to course-correct me and show me what they like, which has worked out/been received well)

• the women I've felt most connected to also had ADHD - text communication would be great in the beginning but then would drop off after the first couple of dates. In-person communication was great, though.

• Along those lines, I tried to give them space (maybe too much?) to text me and show interest back. But, from what I've read on r/ADHD_partners , time and memory works totally different for someone with ADHD. Sometimes I'd get left on read for a day or two and need to double-text, and they would then always be happy to reply and text again. I wanted to be understanding of how their brains worked and not overwhelm them, but probably should have told them it did bum me out to be left on read.

• I definitely know what qualities I'm looking for and type of person I want to be with, and feel confident in weeding out people after 1-2 dates.

• My therapist and I talked today and she pointed out a consistent theme in these women I felt really connected to is that they each told me they had been in long-term emotionally abusive relationships before. So, everything they said could be true about feeling safe, happy, etc. with me but also have their unconscious brain sending off alarm bells of, "Remember last time we thought things were 'safe'?" and/or that their unconscious brain is wired for familiarity from the past bad relationships, so their experiences with me started to feel really unfamiliar/foreign :(

EDIT 2: u/Comeback_321 pointed out it could be that I'm even-keel and most people are used to "waves" rocking their boat, so what feels safe and secure and can, again, feel unfamiliar, boring, or like an absolute trap / secrets abound. My family, friends, past partners, and dates have all commented on my being a very calming presence and because of how I am, and they struggle to imagine me ever getting angry (surprise... I'm human and I do get upset lol).

I went through one emotionally and psychologically abusive LTR in the past, and then had a couple other LTRs where I felt like I was always accommodating / putting my partner's needs before my own. When my most recent one ended, I resolved to do a ton of reading on developmental trauma to see what was pulling me towards bad relationships and ways I would poorly cope with those situations. I focused a ton with my therapist on undoing / healing those old wounds. I have a much better sense of self and how I try to navigate myself and others.

All of that has also made me strongly aware of other pains people are carrying, so I try to be very open/understanding of where they're coming from.

I also generally am someone who enjoys to listen, learn, and experience the world with an open mind. I definitely have my own opinions, feelings, and interests, but maybe dates are misinterpreting this as just being an agreeable bobblehead?

This is the place to put any shower thoughts, your complaints/rants about dating, ask for quick advice, serious and (sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.

This post will be moderated, so if you see something breaking the rules, please report it.

This is the place to put any shower thoughts, your complaints/rants about dating, ask for quick advice, serious and (sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.

This post will be moderated, so if you see something breaking the rules, please report it.

First off I (female) have been single for 2 years and lived in my apartment for 7 years, anyway a few nearby neighbours have been wanting to match me with a new (male) neighbour. This neighbour moved in around 6 months ago. I live in a small apartment block, he’s right beneath my apartment so in essence my next door neighbour. I I’ve only seen him a handful of times. He has become friendly with neighbours who are friendly with me and have been encouraging him to ask me for my number. He asked about me so they jumped into matchmaker mode.

What’s your thoughts on this? I can only think how uncomfortable things could get.

For starters, I was seeing someone and we went on 3 great dates. I made plans for a 4th really fast because I’ll be gone for a month. And also to note, she did cancel sort of last minute on our first date. No big deal. Fast forward to this week and things are going well. One of the big things in our brief time was the lack of texting and communication. We had a date this Saturday and made plans for Tuesday. In between that time, no texts from either one of us. But I made plans, so I didn’t think too much of it. I text her Tuesday to throw out a place to meet. She responds an hour later (she’s at work) and says sorry she has to cancel and take care of things that night. Knowing this could be an ongoing issue, I politely ended things. Took her not even 2 minutes to text back a short and kind of all over the place reply.

Why would someone even bother texting back so fast, when they spent a majority of the time not doing so? And after you get let down to make matters worse. I was not expecting a fast reply. Wondering the whole mindset of it all? Other than busy with work and such.

I started dating someone a few months ago, and we have never had the ‘talk.’ We both travel a lot for work so even though we met back in June the amount of time we’ve both been in the area and able to see each other in person is maybe half that.

Right now I’m out of town for work and have been for a month. When I get back he’ll be traveling so I won’t see him again for a few weeks. Communication has been inconsistent (from both of us- it’s a two way street) and not having that time together, to gauge how I feel about him in person and observe how he seems to feel about me has made it harder for me to not understand where things stand.

I’m considering bringing up the ‘what are we’ and ‘where is this going’ stuff, because the lack of clarity is frustrating, but I’m not entirely sure what I want myself. We have a lot of fun together and on paper should be a great couple, but part of me also feels like we aren’t right for each other for a serious relationship. It seems like when someone starts a DTR talk it’s because they want to establish a clear relationship. Does it even make sense to have that talk if I’m unsure?