Discussion and advice on dating and the dating phase of relationships for people over the age of 30

I had a good first date over the weekend with plans for a second one soon. We kept the conversation pretty light. The conversation was easy and felt really natural. Several times I almost brought up that I recently lost a parent. I stopped myself because I still get emotional when sharing the news, and felt it could ruin the mood. He isn’t really into texting which I’m fine with otherwise I’d share that way.

When is the best time to share news like that?

I [33M] have been single for three years. A few weeks ago an unexpected romantic spark happened between a friend of mine [27F] and I. We weren't close before, although we both sort of had a crush on each other. I haven't felt such strong attraction and connection since my last relationship – it's the first time in a while that I feel like I'd be ready to date a person long term again. So far it's been passionate, exciting and very in-the-moment. Our dates are magical and fun and we're a really good match with a ton of common interests. I also feel more emotionally involved than I'd like to be.

However, she just ended a long relationship only weeks before things started happening between us. According to her the breakup had been long coming and wasn't dramatic or heartbreaking, but also meant a big change in her life. I'm well aware that for her at least part of this is the charm of meeting someone new and exciting after being committed for a long time. We talked about where things could be headed and for now she doesn't know yet, which seems fair just after a breakup. We agree to keep dating and go wherever it feels right for both. Because in the end, even if we don't have a label, I'm having a good time.

I'm now feeling conflicted, on the one hand I would REALLY like to pursue things with her, on the other hand I'm afraid that I'll fall more and more for her but she won't want to commit and I'll end up heartbroken. Part of me wants to think that she just needs time and if we just keep dating and growing closer without any pressure, eventually she'll come round. It feels like a "right person, wrong time" type of scenario.

Has anyone else been in this sort of situation? If so, how did you navigate it and how did it develop eventually?

On Bumble, Tinder, and some other apps, you have the option to say what your activity level or how much you exercise. I typically put “often” or “5x or more” because that’s how much I actually exercise.

I was talking to someone recently who put “sometimes” but then told me they hadn’t worked out in like a month and a half. To me, that’s lying and was really the beginning of finding out some other half truths.

What I’m curious about is, if you use the “sometimes” or “rarely” option, how much do you actually exercise?

Edit: for more context I was told that they do not go out at all and the workout Friday nights instead. Then they said they didn’t workout much at all, compared to what they actually told me was their frequency . That’s why I’m saying why lie about in the first place.

This is the place to put any shower thoughts, your complaints/rants about dating, ask for quick advice, serious and (sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.

This post will be moderated, so if you see something breaking the rules, please report it.

I spoke on the phone with a guy last week and we said we would meetup on a day next week. We haven’t texted or called since our conversation last week, and never solidified a time or place. I assumed he was not interested.

It’s day of the date and he reached out to me for the first time since the phone call last week asking where we should go. At this point I am not interested.

Any advice on how I can respond in a respectful way?

EDIT:

Just want to add more context to this. I am looking for a response to decline, not IF I should decline.

The initial phone conversation was meh and he didn’t seem too enthusiastic speaking with me, so I figured we both weren’t interested and therefore didn’t solidify the date after the phone call. There was zero texting after the phone call until day of the date.

The fact that he texted me day of took me off guard that he actually is interested, but I just am not. I don’t want to ghost, so I want to decline kindly. I understand people have opinions on my situation but in the end I’m just looking for kind ways to respond vs. ghosting.

Thanks to all that have thoroughly read my post, realized I just wanted ideas for responses and provided good options for me

Looking at my dating I have had better luck with women that are big time texters. As busy as I am, I find time for a quick text to keep the flirting going on until the next date. I appreciate when women also are impulse texters, as I feel they are showing they are interested.

If you get one text every two days or even one day, do you consider the person is not interested enough?

I match their cadence but most people I know even the super busy ones are checking phone quite often.

I suffer from severe anxious attachment. I’ve been trying very hard to work on this through therapy, podcasts, and readings. I recently got into a verbal disagreement with my FWB and his response was to delete me off of his social media and not respond to my messages. This triggered my abandonment wound and I can’t help but feel worthless again. I told myself I would not share my body with someone who can’t share their heart with me but I blew it and thought I could fish a relationship out of him.

I knew from the get go he was not looking for a relationship. However, every time we would hook up, I felt so safe with him. We would cuddle, he would say “this is how good you could have it” (meaning how well he could treat me if I was in a relationship with him), and he would even open up to me after sex about his poor relationship with his parents. He would get so emotional and cry and I would listen without judgement.

I would always ask him if we could hang out outside of the bedroom and he would say yes. But every time I would invite him places, he wouldn’t respond or gave me an excuses as to why he couldn’t. I started to notice he would take long to respond to my texts or sometimes none at all.

So I finally had it, and said “given your lack of response and based off of the things I heard about you, I no longer want to see you. I wish you the best of luck”. And this catapulted a downward spiral. He said “I didn’t have my phone on me. You’re so impatient with me” and then he began to question what was said about him. I didn’t want to initially respond because it really wasn’t a big deal but considering what my friend said about him AND his actions reinforce that I should have walked away a long time ago.

So I told him “yeah Joe said all you do is try to f** every walking p**y and that you’re a liar and manipulator”. His response was that “I was toxic for withholding the information and he didn’t need that in his life”He proceeded to block me from all social media because he “didnt need someone who talked behind his back, looking at his profile and his life” He totally jumped to the conclusion I was talking behind his back. Joe and I were talking about my friend Grace and Joe mentioned that my FWB was flirting with her in front of me to get in her pants. Joe was the one who had said many things about him in the past and I always keep it to myself.

I feel really upset. Being ignored and put to the side as if I don’t matter makes me feel unlovable. He probably thinks im certifiably crazy and childish. I just have things I need to work on and I never meant to take it out on him. Do you think I’ve lost him forever?

This is the place to put any shower thoughts, your complaints/rants about dating, ask for quick advice, serious and (sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.

This post will be moderated, so if you see something breaking the rules, please report it.

Update: thank you for the great suggestion! The gluten-free cheesy biscuits idea sounds amazing, trying that. (Stashing the other ideas to make later this fall as well!)

——— 🎃 Pumpkin carving will be at his house (maybe in his yard if not freezing), for a few hours after work.

We are M/F early 40s and it’ll be the first time we’re at each other’s house.

No specified dinner plans so I was considering snacking before, and bringing wine + something I baked the night before, as I’ll be coming from work. (He may be all set on the wine as he asked me what I like.)

Savory treats would be ideal (but not necessary). Also, he is gluten-free (sourdough is OK), but I can figure out some substitutions.

Options: Cookies or muffins would be kinda sweet (but could work)… Asian dumplings have gluten… I can learn how to roll a summer roll but they might not be chewy anymore after I refrigerate them the night before.

Should I bring a small charcuterie board? Easy for me to make a pretty one & it refrigerates well… does that look over the top for early dating?

Cuter for me to bake something instead? 🤔

UPDATE: the man has been let go. I texted him the next day and said thanks for the date but I didn’t enjoy how it ended so I’m not interested in seeing him again, I specifically called out the kiss situation. he tried to negotiate with me about going on another date and I blocked him.

Yesterday I went on a date with someone I met on Friday night while I was out with my friends. We had a great convo most of the night, he was sweet, asked for my number and said he would love to take me out.

Two days later we made plans and had a really nice date. It was a little touchy, he put his hand on my shoulder, more than I would do on a first date but I was comfortable and happy.

When he dropped me off, he came in for a kiss and I wasn’t feeling ready for it so I smiled and pulled away and said “not yet”. His response? “Just one” And he continued going in for the kiss, which landed on my cheek because I turned away.

I really enjoyed the date but man did that ruin it for me. Is this something to chalk up to first date awkwardness or should I consider this a warning sign?

I (33M) broke up with a woman(31F) I was seeing for about 3 months. We both have really busy jobs, so we mostly saw each other only on weekends, staying over at each other’s places, and sometimes had the occasional weekday date. We didn’t really discuss long term plans or talk about what we wanted out of our relationship, I just assumed we both wanted something long term. We didn’t discuss exclusivity, but I hadn’t been on any other dates since our 3rd date, my focus was solely this woman. I don’t have a lot of dating experience, so this was the longest relationship I’ve been in.

Overall I thought she was really nice and caring. But the longer I kept seeing her the more I kept losing interest romantically, I’m not sure why, it even led to problems in the bedroom. I have depression and anxiety, and maybe avoidant tendencies, which may have contributed to this, and I just signed up for therapy again. But, at about the two month mark I started having doubts that this would work out long term. I liked her company but I thought I needed to feel something more.

These feelings kept festering for another month, to the point I started to not look forward to seeing her, and was even not having fun when we hung out. I thought it was time to end this, I felt like I was doing her a disservice by being not fully invested in our relationship. I wanted to pick a good day to end things, she’s an emergency medical resident so her work schedule is crazy. I didn’t want to do it during the week, and have this potentially mess with her work, and reading through reddit most people preferred a call or text. So I waited until the weekend and tried to call her multiple times, that didn’t go through.

So I sent her a text ending it and said she could call if she wanted to talk more, and she ended up calling a little bit later. She was very upset and felt blindsided. She said she was really hoping we would work out and thought everything was going well, she cried a lot, and even asked if I was sure about this. She thought we were progressing well. I felt terrible and still do a week later. I thought she was a wonderful person but just not right for me. I feel really bad about hurting her.

I just thought I would end up hurting her more if we continued dating and I wasn’t all in. I don’t show a lot of emotion so she probably thought everything was fine. I tried to do nice things for her like paying for almost all our meals, offering to hold her bags, offering my jacket if she was cold, etc. I was trying to date her intentionally but just couldn’t see myself with her long term. Could I have handled this better? I think I definitely messed up by not being more open with her, it’s something I struggle with everyone in my life. I think we should have maybe had more communication on what we were looking for.

I know drinking is a sensitive topic on a lot of Reddit but please bear with me. I'm an above average drinker. I'm looking to get back into the dating space soon and I want to be forthcoming about this in the hopes that I find someone who enjoys it as well. I'm not the type to get trashed or cause problems, I don't have any DUIs and don't cause a scene... but I'm the type to have a few beers if it's the least bit appropriate. (A couple to chill after work, or a couple during the game, a pitcher while bowling, a beer during the movie, a mimosa brunch with friends, etc.) I'd love to find someone who would enjoy a wine tasting, a brewery, a sports bar on a Friday night, sitting at a beach bar during a vacation... that kind of thing.

Unfortunately in my last run on the apps a few years back, it seems like everyone I went on a date with was a "one glass of wine twice a month" kind of person. I already was passing on profiles for people that say they don't drink. I just know we won't be compatible.

I don't have any other vices... I don't eat sweets, drink soda, smoke, do drugs, whatever. I take 2-3 months off of drinking a year too, so there's that. Going sober may be on the table one day but it isn't for me now.

How would I best add this to my profile without making it seem like I'm saying I'm an alcoholic?

This is the place to put any shower thoughts, your complaints/rants about dating, ask for quick advice, serious and (sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.

This post will be moderated, so if you see something breaking the rules, please report it.

Is this the norm? I find it super strange if when in the middle of a convo I am sent a selfie by a guy I am casually talking to, just wondering am I being an old git for thinking this is a bit odd? Like what am I supposed to do with it? I’ve had a few men do this while they were in the middle of messaging me, not even dick pics, just hi I’m lying down right now type pic.

I recently stumbled across the brilliant Jillian Turecki on instagram, and found myself screenshotting so many of her posts that I decided to collate and re-order them all into one little 'essay', to save for myself to read later. I think there are so, so many words of wisdom in this, and so I wanted to share with you all, in case it's useful to some of you too. It's especially relevant to those of us who are on the more 'anxious' end of the attachment spectrum, I think.

REMEMBER THIS WHEN DATING

You want a relationship. You meet someone you feel a connection with. They tell you they think you're great, but they're not ready for a relationship. You tell them you understand. You still continue to date them. This is what self-abandonment looks like.

The moment you meet someone you're really attracted to is the moment you're at risk of throwing away all your standards. You have to know exactly what you need - and never, ever compromise on those needs just because there's chemistry.

Chemistry is important and you deserve to feel it with someone. But it will really mess with you if you don't know your value, and if you're not crystal clear about the kind of relationship you want to build with someone over the long term. Because when the chemistry is so strong that you throw all your standards and boundaries out the window, you're headed into a storm of unmet needs, self-neglect and anxiety.

There is nothing wrong with you for feeling anxious when the person you care about withdraws from you. It's not just because you're anxiously attached that you feel very uncomfortable with inconsistency and a lack of clear and honest communication. It's also not just your fear of abandonment if you feel uneasy with a lot of time apart. The only thing that's wrong is that you don't trust your feelings, and you're not listening to your body when something feels off. And instead of communicating when you don't feel right, you get in your head and question yourself. It's time to stop judging yourself for having an understandable reaction to disconnection, inconsistency, and uncertainty.

No amount of chemistry or connection can make up for the anxiety you are guaranteed to feel if you remain in a situation with someone who doesn’t choose you. The only way out is to choose yourself. The best relationships are labour intensive enough at the bare minimum. You need to feel like your love and appreciation is 100% reciprocated. You can only build a relationship with someone who's all in. They're attentive, collaborative, willing to communicate, and willing to work on the relationship when things get tough. Anything else is an anxiety producing complicated "situationship" that leaves us feeling misunderstood, alone, and unseen.

Be direct about what you want from the first date. Not 1 month in, not 3 months in. Right away. Yes, you will scare some people off. That's a good thing. It is an act of tremendous self-care and self-respect to walk away from connections that have no future and only bring you anxiety. You can love someone and have compassion for them and still make the choice to not be in a relationship with them. Everyone has problems and deserves compassion. But, you must also know what your limits are.

Someone's past is never an excuse to treat you less than what you deserve. Never lower your standards for someone who is unwilling to meet your very reasonable needs. The purest form of love is when someone pays attention to what makes you anxious, and does their best to ease it.

If you're sensitive and a giver, this is not something you need to heal. These qualities give you depth and make people feel safe with you. Just learn how to balance it with boundaries, and break the pattern of over-giving and under-receiving. Understand that you'll be happier in relationships with other givers.

You don't have to "lean back" and wait for someone to choose you. You have to be an advocate for yourself and your love life. Not communicating and waiting to be chosen is learned behavior. Which means it can be unlearned. Express directly and honestly what you want and what you need and don't hold back the truth or your vulnerability. And if they don't feel the same way you do - if you're not on the same page, I promise you with every fiber of my being that they are a lesson. Not a life partner.

Rejection is one of the most difficult feelings we can experience. Someone basically tells us, "No. it's not you. I don't choose you. I don't choose to love you or to build a life with you." Then we become obsessed with trying to prove our value. Obsessed with being chosen. Trust that there is more to life than this person. Trust that with every rejection, there is a necessary redirection.

The grief that follows the end of a relationship is real. There will be nights when your loneliness will be deafening and mornings when your anxiety will feel permanent. But you just have to keep going. This altered state we call heartbreak isn't permanent, but the only way out is through. You have to trust that all the answers you seek actually live inside of you. In time, you will give closure to yourself. And when you do, it will be much clearer and far more satisfying than anything you can get from someone else. Heartbreak taught me that the person you think you need closure from can't give it to you, because they probably can't tell the truth to themselves any more than they can to you. You don't need closure to move on. Closure is what happens as you move on.

Healing happens when you stop trying to figure out your ex. You stop analyzing them, researching their "issues" and attempting to diagnose them. Instead, you put the focus back on you, and make it a priority to figure out your patterns, your childhood conditioning, and your fears. You'll never figure them out anyway. Forget them, focus on you. Maybe you'll look back at a relationship and think: "I can't believe I allowed that to happen." It happened because you were in a trance, trying your best to make it work and to be enough. Now you're awake and the best thing you can do is stay awake, learn the lesson, and forgive yourself for being human.

The next time you're obsessing about someone you barely know, waiting anxiously for their text or their call, realise that what you're longing for is not actually this person. You're longing for the feeling of aliveness that comes with meeting someone new. They are simply a metaphor for hope, novelty, and change. It's never really about them.

Repeat after me: I need and deserve a relationship that has both security and chemistry. I'm not going to settle. I'm going to wait until I don't have to choose between the two. 

Great relationships don't just happen. They're co-created based on the decisions we make. And one of the most important, life-changing decisions you could ever make is to walk away from the person you care about so you can finally meet the person who cares about *you*.

I hope you believe that you can still make a beautiful life for yourself even if you lost many years of it to grief, or darkness, or a wound that wouldn't close. Growth is when you no longer strategise to get someone to be interested in you. Instead, you are yourself, and whoever that isn’t enough or right for, isn’t for you. One day, the mountain that is in front of you will be so far behind you, it will barely be visible in the distance. But the person you become in learning to get over it? That will stay with you forever - and that is the point of the mountain.

I’ve (36m) been on 3 dates with this wonderful woman (36f), we’ve been texting for almost 1.5 months and dates are really good.

Now recently she cancelled our 4th date and it was fine with me bc life happens, but during our 3rd date I asked her about exclusivity and if she was open to it to which she said it’s too early and she needs another 6-8 dates to get there.

Now I didn’t think much of it at that time, but now we talked on the phone and I wanted to clarify this since I didn’t get a clear answer, I asked if she is seeing other people while she’s with me to which she said she went on one date that’s it, now I’m ok with that but I want us moving forward to be exclusivity to which again she said she needs more time.

Now this is my predicament I don’t mind going on more dates with her, but I want to protect myself from being too emotionally invested in this and I’m not the kind of guy to emotionally date multiple people i can only do one at a time, I was thinking to back off and look for someone else that can match my dating style while still dating her to which I think it’s not gonna go anywhere that way when the end comes I won’t take the hit as hard as I can predict it.

Any ideas in how to deal with this?

I (35F) have been dating a guy (35M) for 3 months. It’s my first substantive relationship since my divorce 2 years ago, and it’s going great.

My mother is currently dying. I flew out to be with her in a different country (5 hour time difference) in her last few weeks. We’ve been chatting or messaging, he’s been very supportive. Since my family all lives over here, he hasn’t met them, but they know he exists. He hasn’t asked if he should come out. Is it reasonable to ask him to come out for the funeral?

I can pay for his ticket and he can stay with me. This would require him to take a couple days of vacation, which I know he has but it’s still a big ask.

ETA: thanks everyone. As a few people have pointed out, I’m totally just missing him, missing having a support system, and the situation overall really sucks. But it’s too early for such a big ask at an emotional time.

This is the place to put any shower thoughts, your complaints/rants about dating, ask for quick advice, serious and (sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.

This post will be moderated, so if you see something breaking the rules, please report it.

I (34f) am in a very new relationship (~4 months). My partner (36m) is heading overseas with a few friends in less than a month. This is a trip they’ve been planning and organising for the past year, with the formalities such as dates and location confirmed prior to us meeting. He only booked his flights very recently, so I guess it’s kind of only hit me more recently that things will be really different soon. There are only a few weekends left until he goes away, and we’ve planned most of them already.

I’m learning in this relationship that I find it difficult to hide my emotions. I’ve had to bring up conversations that have been difficult for me to do so, but I am really glad that I’ve been comfortable to do this, and that he has been very receptive and empathetic.

There have been moments this past week where I haven’t been able to get past feeling upset that he’s going away for a lengthy period of time, and that I’ll be missing him for Christmas, new years and his birthday. Example of this is this morning during breakfast, I just stared at him and looked upset. When he asked what was wrong, I just said ‘you’re going away really soon’, and we looked at his calendar.

We have spoken a little bit about it here and there, some of our worries and concerns etc, but the conversation of what communication will be like and what our expectations are is to be discussed (we’re not even sure he’ll have reception most of the time). He has expressed he feels bad that he won’t be here, and had we met prior to everything being finalised, he would have asked me to meet him overseas for a portion of the trip.

I’ve never been in a LDR and am unsure what to expect. In some sense I can’t help but feel that this is a pause in our relationship, even though we have no intention of breaking up.

He’s going to a part of the world that has been a priority of mine for years, and I am extremely excited for him and very much want him to have a great time away, but I also obviously want him to miss me and look forward to contacting me/hearing from me. I’d love some advice on how I can stop these feelings from taking over me, so that we can both fully enjoy this time together before he goes away. And if you have been in a similar situation, any advice on what you found worked for you and your partner would be helpful.

I am not super successful at finding people so I tried to identify what I might be doing wrong and I wanted to get some advice regarding at least some of these.

1. My "excitement vs time" function is probably not tuned to be successful in modern times. I don't get excited about people right away but I feel like a lot of people expect a strong start to continue. That doesn't mean I never get excited, it's just that for me to warm up I need some time together/find things I like about them. I'm also a dude so excitement or initial strong interest on my part is usually expected, like if I'm not sure, they're double unsure. The question is, is there a way to address this? I don't think "find someone who feels the same way" is a good answer because it eliminates a huge chunk of people who may be otherwise nice people for me. Do I fake interest?
2. Similar to 1, I feel like a lot of things I consider my good qualities aren't really immediately visible, also I really dislike talking about myself, I'd rather let others form their own opinions about me over time. For example, I've heard from quite a few people that I'm pretty funny and that I make unique jokes but I don't open up like that to strangers right away so it's not something I can present right away. Is there anything to address here or is this more like it is what it is?
3. I'm worried that I'm at the weirdest spot when it comes to "stable vs adventurous lifestyle" spectrum. I am on average in the middle but with huge standard deviation, for example I'm close with my family but I also moved overseas kind of thing, and I like people similar to me. However, the problem is that finding a "Gothic girl who brutalizes everyone in the mosh pit, rides motorcycles, who is close with her family, quiet/calm/loyal" is basically lottery (description is intended to be over the top, I'm not trying to say that I want that and anything else is a dealbreaker, although finding one would be cool). I feel like I'd get bored with someone who is never into weird stuff while I also don't like people who go all in on adventure side of things. In other words I consider myself someone with "somewhat traditional values but non-traditional interests and occasional extremes" and I would like someone similar. Maybe that's just normal? I don't know, need advice.
4. I hate dating apps with passion but I also don't meet enough people in real life. Although this is the last item, this may be the biggest problem. I'm really bad in large groups (unless I know enough people around) and sorry for the weird phrasing but I don't have "approachable aura" in groups/public spaces (I'm kinda buff dude) so if I'm not actively trying something no one would come to me. Oh yeah, I also don't really do small talk that well. Cards are stacked against me (although admittedly some are stacked against my by myself). What are some things people do to make themselves more approachable in social situations?

That's all I could think of for now. Thank you for coming to my TEDxxxAfterDark talk and thank you for any advice/opinion.

It’s 1 pm and I have a dinner date at 7 pm. He hasn’t confirmed yet. He knows I’ll lose $20 if we don’t show up. Is it safe to assume he’s ghosting and make other plans? I would honestly rather just work….

This is the place to put any shower thoughts, your complaints/rants about dating, ask for quick advice, serious and (sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.

This post will be moderated, so if you see something breaking the rules, please report it.

I've (37M) been in a relationship for 5-6 months with someone (35F) I met on Hinge.

Things have been mostly positive but I've noticed a few issues that have really concerned me and the last couple of weeks have distressingly been filled with doubt.

My partner is recently divorced and the experience of the breakdown of her marriage and the divorce and the perceived expectation from her Catholic upbringing has clearly traumatised her. On more than a few occasions it's occurred to me that maybe she wasn't ready for a new relationship so soon.

I'm not making that assertion for her, it is entirely up to her how quickly she feels capable of moving on. However, it definitely affects me when she talks about being a failure because she isn't in a happy marriage. I've tried to help turn her thoughts around and support her, but I have brought up that it is painful to me that she puts so much emphasis on her last relationship rather than this one.

Her trauma has had other manifestations too. I've been told not to listen to certain songs or say certain names or make certain jokes. I have changed what I say or do to suit her and agree to those compromises but the longer the relationship has lasted the more concerned I've got about what it means for the future. I'm a very empathetic and sympathetic person and I tend to put others happiness before my own, but I'm aware it's a slippery slope to sacrificing my own identity and happiness, having been there before.

A good example of this was a conversation a couple of months ago where I was talking about Jehovah's Witnesses that had called at the door. I described them as "theists" in the same way that I am atheist. My partner however immediately bit back at me that she thought I was being arrogant using that word because she hadn't heard it before and didn't know what it meant and told me not to use it. I was quite hurt that I was being censored and accused of behaving in a way that wasn't intended in something that I hadn't even considered to be an issue.

This behaviour also reoccurred last weekend. I was sent a link to a show she wants to go to next week. I was working on renovating my house but I stopped to read the link. I misread the top of the page where it said London Palladium to believe that was the venue for the show. I replied back saying I would check my holiday entitlement and book it off. She replied back saying she thought it was local, and was clearly irritated saying that we wouldn't go then.

I reread the link and realised she was right. Apologised for misreading it and admitted my mistake but she accused me of gaslighting her. The argument went on for some time. I consider gaslighting to be abusive behaviour and certainly not what I was trying to do. It left a bad taste in my mouth that not only would I flsee this sort of thing in future where honest mistakes seemingly fly wouldn't even be forgiven with acknowledgement and apology but could be accompanied by accusations of abuse.

She late told me that night that her friend had also been putting doubts in her mind about me which hadn't helped.

On top of that our lifestyles don't seem compatible. The worst of this is that I have to work early mornings and she drags out evenings till very late despite my insistence that I need to sleep. I've been very sleep deprived as a result and it's affecting my performance at work and driving in the morning has been hazardous on more than a few occasions.

I do love her, but I don't think the relationship is going to work out. The doubts in my mind are making it hard to see past things and I think have done lasting damage to the relationship.

I realised this week that my reticence to do anything about it has been that I don't want to see her upset regardless of how it makes me feel. I'm still putting her feelings before mine.

The facts is that I got out of an abusive relationship two years ago and it's taken me a long time to recover from it. I can see myself slipping into that again and I'm forcing myself to be mindful and cautious. It fucking sucks though. I know I'm going to upset her and I don't want to.

Edit - Update

Thank you everyone for commenting on this thread. I've been reading every one and the consensus is, as I expected, that I should get out of the relationship before it drags me down.

I went over to her house this morning to talk and end everything. However when I arrived she was in tears and honestly my heart broke and I started myself. We talked for a few hours about all of the things I mentioned above and she wants to change and fix things.

I struggled between hurting her and getting a clean break away and found that face to face I couldn't do it. She is very insistent that she loves me and that she doesn't want things to end. She was pleasing with me to give her chance to put things right.

I didn't have it in me to break her heart. I'm going to give it a chance for the wounds to heal but I don't think I've done the right thing. I think I've been weak.

Maybe things will improve. If they don't then I'll need to find a way to push through my lack of confidence. I know that I'm part of the problem here.

Truth be told I'm not sure that I'm going to be able to see past the doubts I've been having and that it's going to colour my opinion of the rest of the relationship.

UPDATE**** I told him everything and he forgave me. I’m seeing him tonight. Thanks to everyone for your responses encouraging me to speak with him. It was the right thing to do.

I’ve been seeing a guy for a few weeks and he’s an absolute sweetheart. He’s opened my eyes in terms of spirituality and we connect on a deep level. To the point where we went to church together. We text through the day and he’s always highly responsive which is important to me because communication is key.

The other night I admit I had a few drinks too many, got hit on by a friend and kissed them. It got hot and heavy but we didn’t sleep together. I feel terrible about it. Like so guilty. He’s such a gentle giant and good person I feel like I don’t deserve him.

Am I over reacting about feeling so guilty? I almost want to tell him. Another part of me just wants to forget it and move on. We’re not in an official relationship which is why I feel like just forgetting about it. What’s the right move here?

Thanks everyone for the thorough, constructive feedback! I’ll make a few changes and will hopefully be reporting back soon 😊

Hello fellow DOTers, I’ve since decided to rejoin Hinge after a nearly 3 month hiatus from dating apps. I’d still prefer to meet someone out in the wild; however, I know this whole dating thing is a numbers game so I might as well put myself back out there wherever I can.

In the past while using dating apps, I’ve noticed a trend in that I attract emotionally unavailable men. Not necessarily that they’re even just only wanting to engage with me for “one thing”, just notably emotionally unavailable after a few weeks of talking. I’ve asked for feedback from family and friends, but I’d like feedback from someone who doesn’t know me at all and can give truly objective feedback.

Any thoughts or constructive feedback would be greatly appreciated 😊

*note: the last picture is a video of me scratching a horse (and the horse being absolutely hilarious in her enjoyment) but I obviously couldn’t capture all that in a still screenshot)

This is the place to put any shower thoughts, your complaints/rants about dating, ask for quick advice, serious and (sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.

This post will be moderated, so if you see something breaking the rules, please report it.

This is the place to put any shower thoughts, your complaints/rants about dating, ask for quick advice, serious and (sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.

This post will be moderated, so if you see something breaking the rules, please report it.

I used the search function and couldn’t find anything relevant. Met my ex on Okcupid in 2019.

Been on this board for a while now and see that Hinge is popular. No one mentions OkCupid or Tinder. I’ve heard of Raya but the impression I got was people aren’t serious on there and it’s more for networking/not serious relationships. Serious relationship is end goal. Haven’t heard anyone mention tinder. I see some mention of Feeld and Bumble. Do certain apps still have reputations like Tinder used mostly for hooking up? I was on one called MeetMindful in 2018 and I haven’t heard much about it. Oh and Chispa I recently heard about!

Thanks!

I'm seeing someone who is NOT an emotions guy. (both 40, he's divorced, seeing each other long enough to know each other pretty well but not long enough to have worked out how to best communicate, lol) He's had a lot of trauma in his life (first responder) and just compartmentalizes and can tell me truly awful stories like he's telling me about what he had for lunch. I'll rub his back and tell him I'm so sorry that happened and he's just like "Nah it's fine, I've got to pee" and when he comes back just goes back to talking about casual stuff. When we've had small issues in the past to talk about he does genuinely listen and will try to work on what I ask him for, but won't really talk about how he feels about any of it. More of an "acts of service" guy, I genuinely don't think he's ever actually said he likes me or spending time with me or anything, just shows it by making time and planning dates and stuff. I'm not a super emotional person either so in general it doesn't bother me, and we have a great time together and can talk pretty openly about anything, like childhoods and life goals and values... just not deeper feelings!

When I compliment him it's honestly like I didn't even say anything... in person even something small like "You look hot in that shirt" he'll freeze for a minute then change the subject. (I will see a tiny smile if I look fast enough tho, lol.) Via text sometimes he'll just 100% ignore it, or maybe just a "thanks".

I get that sometimes people are bad at receiving compliments and that's fine. I don't need anything back from him. But it makes it hard for me to say everything i want to say. I do feel like I'm just making him uncomfortable. And I feel uncomfortable the way he reacts. So I ended up writing a letter. Not super long, about one page typed. Basically "You are an amazing father and here are examples of things you told me you've done with/for your kids that make you amazing, I admire how much you constantly do for others to take care of the people you love, you're so dedicated to your job and have worked hard to get where you are and you deserve it, i see how much you have on your plate (kids, intense job, family that depends on him) and how well you handle it without complaining, on top of that you're just fun & smart & interesting & hot, you don't have to respond in any way but I just need you to know how impressive and appreciated you are". That, but with more specifics/examples.

I'm curious how anyone who isn't great with emotions, especially men, would react to something like that. Is it super cringe and high school? Is it burdensome to have to read all that? Do I just need to accept he doesn't like compliments/emotions and drop it? Would you feel pressured to come up with a response even though I say it's fine not to? The letter isn't like, super flowery and emotional, but would that still feel like an unwanted emotional dump to someone who doesn't like emotion? Would you wonder why I didn't just tell you in person instead of sending a letter?

I guess with the way he's reacted to compliments in the past I'm SUPER insecure here. Like I said I haven't figured out the best way to communicate with him yet. But I'm kind of combelling with the nice things I want to say to him and I want him to feel seen and appreciated and I know in person the second he gets awkward, I will too, and it won't come out right. Do I just need to grow up and say it in person, or not say it at all?

***************** I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has commented on this. I posted this in a moment of weakness but your comments have truly helped me process what has happened. I've been a lurker here for a while and have a new appreciation for this group ******************

To start things off, I have been single for over 5 years now. I had a extremely toxic and abusive relationship in my mid twenties which I had thought broke me for good. I didn't think I'd ever feel love or be able to give love again. I know this sounds extremely corny but I am being completely honest. After 5 years of therapy and working out I finally got myself figured out and was starting to really enjoy my life and being in my own skin.

Well, I went to my cousins wedding and was introduced to a woman by my cousin and his wife. I wasn't even looking for a relationship really but there was something about her that sparked my interest and she was very interested in me too. Feelings started flying we quickly jumped into a relationship after our second date and made it clear what our intentions were and we both agreed to be exclusive. ( we also acknowledged how quick we were moving but both agreed there was something there that felt different )

Things were going so well and I'd even say I was starting to feel like I was in love again for the first time in nearly a decade. We checked every box, we were so open and honest with each other it was something I have truly never experienced with a woman before. All of her friends knew about me, all of my friends knew about her. We were just getting to the part where she was going to meet my family and I meet hers when it crashed and burned entirely.

She cheated me on last weekend with one of her friends who I knew and got a long with very well. He knew we were dating but that didn't matter to either of them.

I'm so disgusted with them my appetite has been gone this entire week. I'm living off coffee and spite. My emotions keep bouncing from anger to deep sadness. There are no tears just this heavy feeling in my heart.

It amazes me that even in our 30s people will still lie and betray all trust at the drop of a hat. If any of you have been through something similar how did you cope? How did you move on in a timely manner? I'm trying to stay on my gym schedule but I just feel like a complete wreck.