Aging essentially means loss, the loss of loved ones, youth, time, energy and health.

So no matter what I do, I can't find neutral acceptance of myself changing and every single day my thoughts are spiralling about how old I look and how different I feel.

Also what makes this even harder is that I looked really young up until 30. I now don't know how to be older or how to feel comfortable in my own skin, when I used to feel so sure of who I was. I feel like my brain is stuck at 27. It's partly because I'm grieving my youth already, partly because I am finding a new change in myself every day.

What am I supposed to look like at 31? Young? Old? I've never felt so lost and disconnected from myself in my life.

All I keep thinking about is the menopause will be happening in a few years, and I don't even have my career in order yet, and I feel like time is slipping away from me.

How do you cope with this fear if you have it too? Has anyone got any advice to give for accepting this inevitable life change? What keeps you feeling happy and excited about life in your 30's? What keeps you feeling youthful? What stops you from fearing your physical appearance changing?

I have a really bad fear of aging and so far I've found no help on the internet. I take anti depressants already.

I just need some positivity, or recommendations for podcasts or anything.

And yes I know it's a gift to live more years.

In a work email, for instance.

I've had a bad life and bad things keep coming. The longer I live, the more awful knowledge I discover about existence. It's not easy to just keep going. I cope, don't recommend suicide hotlines because that does not apply.

I got a shipping container so that I can play guitar and drums without bothering anyone. I played many songs today, but I only felt emotions of sadness or longing. The rest, energetic, fun, whatever songs I didn't feel anything playing them.

I've felt like I can't believe how long I've lived for years now. I'm in my late 30s.

Anybody speaking from experience have advice for me, I'd appreciate it.

Has anyone gotten in to chat groups on telegram? Found fun people to talk to in a group?

Why or why not?

Original post

Circe sits in front of a mirror and holds a cup to Odysseus. It’s a painting by J.W. Waterhouse, and also the background of a classical music playlist on YouTube. I clicked on it because I saw Circe on the thumbnail — about who I had just finished reading the book by Madeline Miller. When I was young I wouldn’t listen to classical music, nor voluntarily read a book of 400 pages, let alone enjoy it — but I’m finally starting to understand a line I read years ago, on how at different stages in life we want different things.

Aging is a fascinating journey. At thirty-five, I’m still learning new emotions. Recently, our company has had a wave of new recruits for the Chinese marketing team. They’re all young and full of ideas but inexperienced. I’ve been giving them some guidance and they’re actually taking it and making process. They treat me amicably — not as one of them, but as a senior colleague. And that’s fine. With it comes a special kind of satisfaction.

I’m fine being this age. But there’s a place on Reddit where people in their 30s discuss being ‘over 30s‘ — and most posts contain nostalgia, the bitter kind. Maybe I have gave up on some dreams as well, but I have realized some others. I liked being a young student in design school, and later art academy. But my main gripe with being a student is that all the work was done for our teachers. Now I get huge satisfaction from making work that is for the real world.

When I was a kid, we’d go to France for three weeks for our summer holiday, and my dad would read Robert Ludlum’s books. The way kids see their dad as a hero meant I judged those thick novels as impossible to read, far beyond my level. That feeling still rises now when I see the name Ludlum on a cover. But this time back home, I picked one from my dad’s bookshelf and discovered in five hundred pages that Ludlum writes thrilling stories — but does not make complicated literature. This too is a joy that being thirty-five brings; that of finishing a Ludlum.

When turning those pages I’d wonder about my dad, who did the same — just some thirty years ago. You don’t read a book in a vacuum; you see the story in the context of your own. The Berlin Wall hadn’t come down. Telephones were made from landlines. Cars didn’t come with navigation devices. What did my dad feel reading this?

My dad doesn’t tell, but maybe he shows me. We ride our motorbikes and stop by the former train station of Hulshorst. He says he learned about the poem when he was young, and he’d visit this place when he had just bought a new car: “I needed a place to drive to, any place.” The station was closed in 1987, two years before I was born. The poem talks about the forgotten iron of the tracks.

The Belgian author Ulrich Libbrecht once said that philosophy is useless. When you’re young you lack the life experience to see the value in such wisdom. You may when you are old — but alas, you lack a future. Philosophy is therefore something that you do not have when you need it, and that you no longer need when you have it.

Perhaps though, being thirty-five is the ideal age, in the middle of these. I’m content with it. The blogs I write aren’t like I wrote fifteen years ago. My brain and notebook are filled with experiences, and I can value friendships more because some dear friends have passed away. When you’re young you don’t see the value of photography. Why record something if you cannot lose it? Buildings of my youth no longer exist, companies that looked eternal went bankrupt. In my lifetime, we changed currency in the Netherlands. Our language is slowly changing. When you’re young you see life as an all-of-nothing state. But now I think I understand my place in history. It’s a timely one.

We visit Radio Kootwijk and my dad tells me about how hundred years ago, the Netherlands needed a way to communicate with the colony that is now Indonesia, and they built a huge radio transmitter for that. He’s hugely interested in radio technology; longwave, shortwave — tubes, and alternators. And Radio Kootwijk was the pinnacle of it. But then the Second World War broke out, satellite technology came, and Indonesia became independent. It’s truly something from a forlorn era. But the Art Deco building is timeless and still stands.

I visit Zwolle alone, the city where I went to high school and design school. And each time back here, I get the strongest memories — those of a teenager finding his way through the temptations of this world. I buy something I haven’t eaten for years; lahmacun — or as we’d call it; Turkish pizza. Turkish people are the largest minority ethnic group in the Netherlands. But I’ve always had many classmates from a Turkish background. They’d talk about their summer holidays when they’d travel to Turkey, a one-week drive — another week back. I got introduced to their food and their way of expressing yourself exuberantly, something Dutch people don’t do. And the music. It’s only now that I live in China that I realize that this is also a small part of me.

In Circe, Madeline Miller writes about the themes and lessons of Greek mythology and their gods. Icarus who flies too close to the sun; Odysseus who has to resist temptations; the gift of fire from Prometheus; the Minotaur and the betrayal it signifies. Most of all, the book is about mortality and what to do you the time you’re given. Perhaps it’s even more about finding yourself, even if it takes a thousand years — or in my case, a thousand miles. Although we’re never done.

I just turned 33 a few days ago. I'm thinking about so many things and I guess Im hoping for some encouragement, wise words and positivity.

I've been a musician my entire adulthood and being a music artist has been my dream since I could sing at 3 years old. I always knew I wanted to be an artist. I went to school for music and have had a very successful career touring and recording music. I'm committed to my career but the priorities of securing my future and working toward some milestones like home ownership, starting a family and moving to a bigger city are banging at my door. I feel that if I don't do "it" now, it will be too late for me. I am feeling immense pressure to have a musical career that can not only support me financially but be a means to do a lot of firsts like purchase a home, start a family and maintain a comfortable lifestyle that includes traveling and experiencing "luxury" but honestly nothing too big... just being able to have the things that I want within reason. To thrive and not just survive.

I am trying to find the balance of a fulfilling career outside of music that will not only help me fund my career in music but have the lifestyle I desire. I've seen this work for many of my peers but I'm afraid of losing my desire and passion to practicality. Pursuing a new skill set with schooling to achieve a license in a profession in order to fund and support my music career and lifestyle is ideal. However, I am having the hardest time deciding what else it is that I would like to do.

Would like to hear some encouraging words but I am also open to some wise truths. Be gentle with me please!

To preface, I recently landed a Japanese release for my debut album, am playing and have played some notable shows locally and nationally. I'm completely indie but I wouldn't mind signing if the right deal came along. I'm just struggling to see the light in it all and am feeling the pressures of my age.

I recently had a conversation with a friend who is entering his 40s and in so few words, he basically told me it's time to prioritize and think about what I want my 40s to look like because the next 30 years will go just as quick as the first 30. This is haunting me but I appreciate hearing it. It's true that I should be asking myself these things.

I don't own a home but I am in a long term relationship with an amazing partner (34M) who has been very supportive through it all. We even make music together. We are both pretty much feeling like the next year will require us to take many leaps of faith. But boy are we feeling the blues right now.

Any advice on balancing lucrative careers with your dreams?

To be fair the pandemic made it worse as I started working from home, ended up moving further from downtown, and bought a car where I used to walk a lot and take transit.

I started getting wrist pain at 19 and it's only gotten worse. Always had flat feet (and always wore orthotics), but now my ankles, knees, and hips hurt regularly. APT developed over the years of desk job and I have lower back pain. Something's fucky in my shoulders and elbows because I get ulnar tunnel numbness if I sleep with my elbows bent or shoulders in the wrong position.

Recently I've been getting pain in my hands as well. I'm basically constantly in a low level pain and the slightest wrong movement sends a pang of sharp pain through me.

My feel hurt when I stand for the first time in the morning or fet out of my car after a long drive (likepytting pressure on them after not putting pressure on them for a while is stretching them out after they got stiff).

It hurts to stand up from sitting on a soft surface.

Sometimes if I carry something heavy I get weird twinges through my forearm and elbow.

I've started taking all the joint supplements on the market and it's only helped my hand pain (not my wrist pain), so I'm optimistic it's not arthritis (at least mostly).

It's to the point where it is impacting my life detrimentally because I can't do certain things with my arms. I have trouble like scooting down to the foot of the bed because it'll hurt my wrists to put pressure on them on a soft surface. I do anything like that on my fists/knuckles because any pressure with a flat hand is impossible.

I don't think my peers feel like this. Help?

ETA: To be absolutely fair to myself, I've also been under a LOT of stress for the last year. Abusive relationship of 6 years finally ended, now my ex is stalling a separation agreement I need so I can stop paying the mortgage for a house I don't live in, moving, having to urgently move my mom to an assisted living facility and the fact that she still needs a lot of help from me on a regular basis as her memory and physical ability deteriorates, renovating my childhood home for sale to better fund my mother's new needs, my dogs have an undiagnosed allergy or mites or something I haven't been able to get to the bottom of yet that makes them scratch & injure their eyeballs regularly, etc. I'm pretty sure I rarely get enough sleep and I'm constantly stressed. that can't be good for my body. but I don't have time for self care because of all the above. :C

Only for it to be another notice from Reddit

Hi!

I see that both the linked discords on this page are dead. I have a +30 global discord - everyone welcome as long as you are 30+ now!

Welcome to NoButthurt30+!

https://discord.gg/uZheCUUZ2M

A little free tonight, not sure if this is the place to post random thoughts.. I am looking for both supportive / constructive criticism with my random thoughts..

I saw a few unrelated posts earlier that prompted some thinking.. one, about being single and dealing with loneliness.. ive been on my own for most of my adult life.. 15 years maybe! the number of times i felt lonely in 15 years is probably less than a week in total.. i dont feel it.. i wonder if im living in my fantasy.. ie. i do have crushes that keep me entertained/motivated to do certain activities that i look forward to every week. workout/music/sports/work.. and i do all 4 quite consistently my whole life almost! 😅 is this healthy or is this something one should look to break?

digital detox after 10pm.. i tried it, and i have a few books to read, music to play.. but theres only so many nights you can do the two until you cant anymore.. what do people do that doesnt involve phone/tv/ppl?

Another random thought, im also looking for inspiration to travel/ do something different. can you share your most meaningful/ memorable experience? Thanks!

Like... How many times a week/month for general aches and pains as a way of getting through life more comfortably and being more functional

What is a favorite bad movie from the 80s or 90s that you absolutely adore but most people don’t?

30F. So I have been with my bf for 1.5 years. Everything is great, he is kind and genuinely one of the nicest people I have been with. He checks off a lot of boxes that I had for a partner. We have obviously had our ups and downs. But certain things are taking some time for me to get over with:

• His rant on reddit which I happened to come across where he called me a bitch. When confronted, he mentioned he was just salty (read insecure) that day and was extremely embarrassed and ashamed for what he did. He meant to get it off his chest and delete the post. He has never really disrespected me before, but just thinking about that makes me nauseous.
• That very same day, I found some other comments (on other women’s pictures/ porn) that I was really disappointed about. He said he just treated it as porn so it wasn’t like he was trying to reach out etc.

He says he has never done these things since. He is a man of his words, so I believe him.

• He is an avoidant, so he shuts down during arguments or discussions. He hates confrontations, being questioned, fighting etc. So when I confronted about him about his habit of deleting texts. He says he doesn’t want any arguments due to misunderstandings. I know everyone that he is in contact with knows and is fully aware of my existence. But this doesn’t sit well somehow. If there is nothing to hide, why delete..

Now on the other hand, my mom has some hesitations about him due to him being from a completely different culture. We argue about this almost every day and I feel so guilty. Sometimes I wonder what am I doing with my life.. I wanted to be settled, married and happy at this age.. but.. everything seems so uncertain and I feel so torn..

Any thoughts, suggestions would be appreciated..

Situation:

I’ve spent the last couple of years at my job with early 20 something year olds or people 40 and above.

Outside of the workplace it’s basically families. People in their 40’s and 50’s with their school-aged children.

There’s a city 3 hours away from me where I used to live (I don’t want to say where for privacy reasons); and everyone there just feels so young to me now.

I hate getting older. I do think location has played a role because I just have a really hard time relating to a lot of people.

When I hang out with coworkers I feel like the weird creepy friend that hangs out with younger people.

It’s really starting to depress me because I haven’t met anyone romantically here.

And now I’m in a situation where my job contract is ending and I have complete freedom to move and start over from scratch.

Does anyone know a good place to live that’s essentially a utopia for people in their late 20’s - late 30’s so I can meet friends and dates who are closer to me in age?

It seems like there really isn’t a place in the US that’s the 30-something demographic.

It’s either young people in a big city or families in the suburban areas.

Where are you all hiding?

A lot of what I used to enjoy in my 20s and early 30s just doesn't appeal to me now, in the same way that childrens television stops being enjoyable in adolescence.

Mostly I find myself binge watching history and conflict deep dives or travel vlogs on YouTube.
However I loved The Crown, Dune 2 and Clarkson's Farm.

So what are you watching?

Pretty much what the title says. I don’t know what the point is. I’m 36, unmarried, I have so much love from my parents and one close friend. I’ve been a pretty avoidant person my entire life and I really don’t see that ending. Lately, I’ve been self-harming a lot and genuinely don’t know when my emotional pain will end. It’s always been there. 32 years is a long time to be walking around with the heaviest of heavy feelings in your chest.

Why do you keep going?

I’m 35.

I’ve had a really bad past decade. I got sick. Turned out to be autoimmune that’s now being treated and I’m mostly fine.

Then pandemic hit and I almost died from Covid + my hair thinned + the isolation well into thirties because of it.

Now here I am. 35. Starting over pretty much. Never been married. No kids. Last relationship was at 20 and I had years of just being happy single, getting a bachelor’s degree, and doing whatever. Focusing on myself. Then 26 to 31 was extremely ill. 31 to 33ish, pandemic isolation. I’m still living with my parent. We’re both not financially sound. I actually don’t know what to do about her and her financial instability, but I am finally working again and getting my financial life back on track + working to up my career after seven years of not being able to work.

Now I just feel desperate. I’m still not out dating because I am working on losing a lot of weight. Already lost a bunch. I feel like 50 more lbs and I’ll be more comfortable putting myself out there.

I want to get married. I want a kid. I just feel so sad. It feels stupid because I don’t feel old. I feel young and stupid and lost, so it feels like I have time. But I can see it’s drifting away. I’m having to use Rogaine to keep my hair between the Covid and genetic hair thinning in family. Wrinkles are forming a bit.

I just feel really hopeless that I’ll ever have the life I want now.

What shoes are we wearing???? I love vans for everyday shit kickin’ but what about something a click nicer to go with, say, a sun dress? Still need comfort because duh. I’m a mid 30s mom and walk a lot but still want something to fit my elder emo aesthetic.

I've split with my (34f) partner (34m) about 6 weeks ago, it was long overdue as I'd finally (and stupidly late) realised he didn't love me anymore. Online dating has been so shitty, all I want at this stage is to get laid and feel the rush of desire and butterflies because I have not had that in a very long time. I message first, initiate meeting ups if the vibe is good and even blatantly tell men that I match with that I am interested in sex (when appropriate) and I have only been on one date where we got close to having sex (he couldn't get it up). I am attractive, slim and have an interesting personality, however if I am not randomly ghosted, the men work FIFO and never get back to me! I am so sexually frustrated and basically at the point now where I am wondering if male escorts are a thing here, if all Perth men are lazy AF or if i should try for a transgender man (uneducated here, but am thinking a woman's brain in a mans body). Anyone else struggling? Do I need to add bikini photos to my profile photos? What is going on!?

Hi all.

I turned 33 last month and I feel like I’ve had an extended birthday blues. For context, about a year ago I decided to quit my job, sell my house, and move across the country to finish my PhD in person. I had been working full-time and completing the degree in a hybrid format for 3 years and I just couldn’t do both anymore.

I have about one more year left in my program and I guess I am starting to “feel” my age. I fully acknowledge this is not the time to start a relationship as I’m working on my dissertation and planning on moving back near family after I graduate in May. I just worry that I’ve missed my time to meet someone and potentially start a family. I was in a very long relationship in my 20’s (22-29) and have only had a couple relationships since then. The last one ended mainly due to circumstance (long distance and time management).

Does anyone else feel this way? I don’t think there is anything wrong with being unmarried and childfree at 33, I just pictured life much differently. Any advice and encouragement is welcome.

30F who is perpetually single. I had a lot of self esteem issues in my 20s stemming from my weight I fluctuated between 140-225 lbs and ethnicity. I am black. So i typically dived into the first relationship with the first guy any guy who took interest in me. Well I’m just starting to really get my self together in terms of fitness. I’ve always wanted to be married, have children but doesn’t look like that’ll happen. Every relationship I’ve had has ended miserably. I’m hoping for some encouragement, has anyone turned their luck around in their 30s? I feel like I’m too old now, used up my good years on trying too hard with the wrong people. I’m sorry I guess I’m just having a hard time tonight.

BUT DAMN… I’m struggling just trying to understand the dialect that everyone is using. It’s literally like I skipped a century of how words work. I am only taking two classes at a time but why is it soo hard. It may be just me. Does anyone else have this problem? And the worst part is it’s only History and biology 💔😂. Soo sad. Lol.

As above. Im turning 30 this yr (no longer a spring chicken without a care), single (& not sure if I’ll ever find someone), & an only child. I have some really great friends but dont see them all the time (they’re busy with their lives or interstate or whatever) & I don’t think I could compare them to a sibling bond. I am lucky to have a really great relationship with my parents though. However, late twenties I realised when they go, I’m going to be truly alone. Sometimes when I’m not distracted by life & I’m by myself, I feel this intolerable void & almost get a panic attack thinking about when they die. So my question stands, have you ever felt that horrible feeling of being all alone? And if so what were the circumstances - if any.

I grew up washing dishes by hand in the sink, and using liquid detergent with a washing machine to wash clothes. Can anyone help me understand the appeal of pods? Is it literally just extra packaging and money so that the consumer doesn't have to pour their own liquid? Like an individually packaged product?