How does someone who feels romantic attraction recognise it as romantic attraction? I can recognise when I love someone, generally, I just don’t know how people differentiate between platonic love and romantic love. Is it having a crush? I think I’ve had crushes before, as in, felt attracted to someone and interested in knowing them better- is that romantic attraction? I know I experience sexual attraction, though, so isn’t that also crushes?

I’m just trying to figure myself out. I don’t understand, and it’s.. not pleasant.

Hello

want to share my thoughts after discussing with ChatGPT haha. I always knew that I was different from other people. I was never really interested in men, relationships, or sexuality. I didn’t even know if I was attracted to men or women because I never had a crush on anyone.

Now, I understand that I’m aroace. But I feel alone because none of my friends are like me, and I feel envious of people who experience romantic love. (Queerplatonic as ChatGPT said)

Is it the same for you?

this is probably just gonna be me rambling, but holy crap being arospec is AMAZING🙏 i used to dislike being aromantic since i couldnt fall in love with other people compared to others, but honestly i think thats fine. since i cant rlly experience romantic love that just makes me appreciate platonic love 10 times more, and i would genuinely never give up any of my friends for anything. imagine being so self assured and stable with yourself WITHOUT being in a relationship😭ultimate power move imo.

tldr: being aromantic is honestly super awesome, and theres absolutely nothing wrong with not really feeling romantic love :)

Hi, I’m 21F. A few years ago I would’ve looked at the word “aromantic” and thought “huh, that doesn’t make sense.” But lately I’ve been having some realizations that maybe I could actually be aro and it’s been so weird coming to terms with that.

I just broke up with my girlfriend. We separated amicably (I’m so thankful for that) but she still doesn’t really understand my reasons, and tbh I kinda don’t either. I’ve been in a few short relationships, and every time I’d have a date coming up, I’d feel nothing but dread. I never understood why- I mean, I was physically attracted to all of them and I really liked them as friends, but when I realized it was becoming romantic I felt so negative and started backing off from the entire thing. But when I meet up with the same person as a friend, I don’t have these negative/dreadful feelings. I don’t have the desire to kiss them or do anything romantic. Also the thought of spending my life with another person makes me so uncomfortable.

All my best friends are in relationships, and I don’t feel an ounce of jealousy. I keep thinking there’s something wrong with me for that, I mean what college kid doesn’t want to date and experiment? But I have no desire for it. I’m so happy doing things alone or platonically with friends. I love being single. And it has been kind of comforting to know there might not be anything wrong with me for being this way😅

So all my life, I have called myself a hopeless romantic even after learning about aromantic people, but after the end of a long and toxic relationship and three failed attempts at dating, I finally accepted it, and though happy, I still want to find someone it's not a focus, and I feel like I am just barely ready I'm the type of aromantic that hardly feels it at all, or I extremely rarely I can feel it WAY too much, and my anxiety takes the reins my questions is when I am finally ready to date though not a focus how can I with this slight "issues" I have fully excepted it and honestly makes life easier but I one day want to find love, and I am still new to being aromantic so I don't know much of anything had no one to talk to about this least no one aromantic and youtube isn't much help.

So my friend keeps pressuring me into a relationship and it's not like I don't want to but I cannot feel any attraction at all and I feel uncomfortable in relationships.

But I want to know how to experience attraction because the struggle is driving me crazy.

Hi, I made a post about this before, but here's a short summary I like a friend of mine. Like, I like her a lot. Not romantically but I wanna be closer than now and right now we're friends.

I really wasn't sure if I was feeling something romantic or just strongly platonic, until I just realized I could maybe be interested in a Queet platonic relationship.

The problem is, she's alloromantic and I don't think she knows I'm aro.

To anyone who has had a similar situation or who has had a QPR before, what's your experience? If you started off as friends and developed it, how did that work? Do you think asking her about a QPR as an allotomantic is a good idea?

Any advice appreciated 👏

HAI, I'm new here, but I've been exploring my identity since I was 15, and I'm still so confused. I've known that I'm queer for a while now, but I've gone through SO MANY LABELS trying to figure out where I fit. As soon as I try to settle down on a label, something shifts and it's completely wrong. (this might be a long post so beware)

I'm not gonna talk about WHO I'm attracted to, just the attraction in general.

FREQUENCY: I do not know if I have ever felt romantic attraction. I have had "crushes", but now I realize they may have just been admirations, NOT romantic feelings. I don't get "crushes" very often. I've had them in 2nd grade, 4th/5th grade, 7th grade, 10th grade, 10th grade again, and MAYBE 12th grade.

Crush one was on a boy named Theo, (I don't remember much) I just know he was funny and popular so 8 year old me thought it was OBVIOUSLY romantic. I think if I knew him now we would be friends or aquaintances, but nothing more.

Crush two was a boy named Jonathan who was low-key annoying, but my friends liked people so I guess I wanted someone to like too. I remember him teasing me, and me teasing him back, but I don't think there was any "spark". I think I thought of him as a cool person because he was ALSO popular. I don't think I would look twice at him if I knew him now.

Crush three was a boy named Keith who was tall and one of the class clowns. He was in my friend group and I wanted to hang out with him a lot because he was a likeable person. If I knew him now, I think we would be good friends or mutual friends, but I wouldn't think of him romantically.

Crush four was a whopping THREE years later, it was a girl named Kaitlyn in the year above me. She looked so pretty and her vibes were nice so I wanted to be friends with her. My way of introducing myself was asking her a question, but she was incredibly confused and I got embarrassed and immediately lost feelings, which is why I think this was an admiration, not a crush. I thought she was cool, but she hurt my feelings so she wasn't cool anymore. I don't think I would interact if I knew her now. I also learned she had a girlfriend at the time, and I MIGHT'VE been jealous? But it was more of a bummed out feeling than a jealous feeling.

Crush five was the same year, a few months later, on a girl named Cristina. She very BOLDLY introduced me by standing two inches from my face and asking what I was doing. I was nervous but I think it was just me being flustered because she was so close 😭 I tried to get to know her better in the following weeks after getting her number, but she replied late or not at all so I got bored and lost feelings. (I ended up hearing some negative things about her that put me off too) I would make small talk if I knew her now, but I don't think I'd view her romantically.

POSSIBLE crush six was on my friend Audrey. I saw her at the bus stop looking so cool, and I ended up talking to her and we became friends. I might have been crushing but I think it was platonic. I wanted to cuddle and that was about it, I wanted to call her my girlfriend, but the kissing and "romantic things" didn't cross my mind. When she started dating my friend, I was happy for her, maybe a TINY bit jealous, but again, it was more of a bummed out feeling, like "Aww, okay. That's fine." We're still friends, she's still dating my other friend, I don't feel jealous.

NOW, my problem is that I have no idea if any of those were actual crushes, or if it was admiration/aesthetic attraction, liking their personality, or just wanting to be friends. I definitely think before high school it was just liking their personality and wanting to be friends because they were popular, but I don't know after that. When I think of romantic relationships, I WANT THAT FOR ME, I want someone to cuddle with and call my partner, someone I can hold hands with and hang out with all the time. But I realize this may just be platonic attraction with a little extra?

I'm not particularly fond of the romantic compliments like "you're eyes are _______" or "you're so pretty when _______" because regular compliments will do fine. If someone complimented me romantically, I don't think I'd be comfortable. I would be something like "Oh yeah, aha, thanks?" OVERALL AWKWARD/CRINGE FOR ME. 😭

With romantic gestures, I'm neutral about it. When looking at lists of them, they just seem like nice things to do for someone. I'm not understanding what is so "romantic" about it, because I would do most of those for anyone I loved enough.

When I think of scenarios when "someone in the coffee shop is asking you out, how do you react?" I don't think I would be up for it. I have social anxiety and a stranger wants to DATE ME? I'm good, sorry, thanks though. 😭 (but also maybe it just depends?? this hasn't happened to me before) If I think of someone I know asking me out, I wouldn't be up for it either, because I don't think of anyone I know in that way. If someone asked me out, I would feel nervous, but the BAD nervous, not butterflies. I would likely have a lot of anxiety after. (but this hasn't happened before, my irl reaction might be different depending on the situation!!)

The labels I've identified with the most are cupioromantic and quoiromantic (aka wtfromantic)

How I relate to cupioromantic: I DO WANT A RELATIONSHIP, and I don't feel the attraction. THE PROBLEM is that I don't KNOW if I feel the attraction. I haven't felt enough of it to have a definite answer, and I don't want to just assume.

How I relate to quoiromantic: I do not understand what romantic attraction feels like, because I don't know if I have experienced it at all. I understand platonic attraction, because I have friends that I love and I would miss them if they were gone. I would get over them, but I would still miss them.

I kind of understand the concept of dating? You go somewhere nice, talk and get to know the other person. But you could do the same thing with a friend you're getting to know? I don't know if I know what I'm talking about anymore. But it seems that things are only romantic if you CALL them romantic.

My brain is fried from writing all of this so I may have forgot some things, I can clarify things if needed. 😭ANYWAY, if anyone has suggestions/advice/etc. I'm totally open!

I made a post here just under 9 months ago when my best friend started dating someone. And 2 hours ago they broke up.

Towards the end he was making her cry every other day and it was incredibly hard to watch cos I could see that she loved him and cared for him but he was just hurting her over and over and over again. He wasn’t always like that but he definitely did hide some parts of his personality at the start.

Tbh this post isn’t about that. Is it wrong to feel happy about this ? That they broke up and now I have her to my self again ?? It feels wrong. To feel good about something like this. The thing I’m clinging to is seeing her tears over something he said or did. Idk if this is weird or not I also dk if anyone can relate

So I like sharing hugs with my partner because it's an act of safety and comfort and security

But I don't like other things kissing or holding hands Forehead kissess are ok but like mouth and hand textures are gross - if the texture wasn't an issue I think I'd still feel the same about kissing tbf

I'm also asexual if that at all matters

I just feel like I'm going crazy without an answer on wether my feelings are valid

Hi, I'm new here and I really don't want to offend anyone, I just want some advice. I'm 18 and I've never had a crush before in my whole life. I have found boys and girls attractive, but have never experienced something like butterflies or romantic infatuation. From what I've heard in conversations with Aromantic people in person/online, many say that they have little to no desire to form relationships or cannot picture being in a relationship. For me, I really crave being in an explicitly romantic relationship. Not because of social pressure but simply because I really desire intimacy and I have always really wanted a partner. No matter how hard I try though I can't form a crush. It makes me feel really lonely. I want to live in a nice house and have cats and be in love, but I'm scared it will never happen. Please let me know if anyone else feels like this.

Essentially I really want a relationship but I just can't seem to form romantic feelings.

For my drama hsc im planning to write a script about someone who is discovering they’re aromantic, and I would like to hear some experiences of others who have discovered they’re aromantic for a form of inspiration and to help me present the community better.(sorry if this is worded a bit weirdly 😅😅)

I'm not sure if I'm actually aromantic but I know that I'm part of the spectrum. And there is this guy that supposedly "like" me. And to make it worse the whole class ship us😭. I don't even know if I like him or not. Help me please😔

do you ever look at someone, think they're cute then want to be closer to them? idk, i feel like if i don't I'll end up missing out on a close relationship/friendship that i would want but then again, I don't know this person that well so i cant say that it'll happen anyway. I fantasise about spending time with them but idk if it's because I want to do that or if it's just out of habit because that's what i used to do but now it doesnt give me any satisfaction or feeling of any kind. when i acc do see them, i get nervous, butterflies and what not but then i'm like why? idk this person, i probably won't miss out on anything by not knowing them, it'll prolly be a waste of time to get to know them because it won't go anywhere, we prolly won't even be friends so wth? whenever i picture me and someone else as a "couple", it kinda just feels off? or if i were to picture us on a date or something, idk, i feel like i shouldn't be in that situation. i've always avoided any romantic confrontation because 1 i wasnt allowed to date and 2 it made me anxious. but idk if i've ever wanted to date anyone anyway. i've wanted people to be interested in me, spend time with me, maybe cuddle them (shocking because i'm so awkward with physical touch, even with friends it feels so unnatural) but putting it in a romantic context makes me go "this is weird or that doesn't look right". idk, this is basically me trying to figure out what kind of attraction i've been experiencing. what are y'all's experiences?

Apologies if this isn’t all worded super well, im sick as heck rn and my brain is goo. But I was wanting to hear from people if they’re in a monogamous QPR and what that looks like. What are the bounds of that relationship, or if you’ve been in one and are no longer together, if you feel comfy I would love to know anything you’ve learned from that experience. For context I am on the aromantic and asexual spectrum and a lesbian.

This might be a weird question but since Aromantic Spectrum Awareness Week is coming up, I would want to spread the word of Aromanticism, particularly at my school. Especially since it is pretty much after Valentine’s Day. Just to remind people that some of us don’t really celebrate this day.

But I don’t want to out myself just yet for this purpose, do you think there is a way I can give the school just a little nudge? Preferably anonymously.

i make keychains n earrings n stuff, especially lgbtq themed stuff, so i made these bc i h8 how the a-communities don't get representation or anything catered more to us (+1000 mad) but i just thought people would like to see this -a fellow ace :)

https://preview.redd.it/o381jhqvz6ge1.jpg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a92c5e2e20c87f416e206a898886e169a6d9928d

im non-binary (19) & have been in a few relationships but it always feels so weird & uninteresting. theres nothing wrong with any of the people ive dated but i've always felt like maybe we shouldve just stayed friends because i dont do everything that a partner should when in a relationship. often times the thought of being in a relationship like that doesn't really interest me. i have had thoughts about it but im never sure if its because i want a romantic relationship w/ them or platonic, perhaps sexual relationship. am i still too young to know & in a rush to figure things out?

Hi everyone, I'm a 23 year old female that really struggles with her sexual identity. I'm a virgin and I have had 1 date in my entire life via Tinder, afterwards I concluded that the stress beforehand just wasn't worth it for me. Right now I'm majoring in clinical psychology and soon in 1.5 year I will enter adult life and start working. Friends around me are dating more and more and are getting in romantic relationships. I have never felt true desire to be in one, only fantasized about it a lot (mostly because it's so romanticed in society).

I think because I daydreamed about having a partner so much that I tricked myself into thinking I want a relationship. But honestly the thought of it seems repulsive to me; seeing someone so often, sleeping together, planning your life together (getting kids & married).... I really don't see how I can ever fit that in my life and why I would want to do that (and how I would get to know someone without wanting to date).

But on the other hand the future seems so daunting and lonely to me, I envision all my friends are settling down the next couple years and I'm just living alone and working my ass off to pay rent for my appartment. I can see why it would be very beneficial to have a partner by your side with whom you can share your life with which gives you security and stability. But on the other hand I feel no intrinsic motivation to go on dates (I see it as a waste of time and energy) and am doubtful if I can feel romantic love (I have never felt it in my life and even in my teen years I never had a crush or was interested in someone).

I'm starting to think I might be aromantic/asexual (or both idk) and the 'idealistic' idea of how you should live your life (find your partner, get married, get kids, get a divorce ;)) is not the life for me. But how I can still live a life that is filled with love and social activities while I'm staying single is something I can worry about (I feel so different from other peers with regards to romantic and sexual feelings that I'm almost unable to see myself with a partner in the upcoming decade).

In this society that is so centered around the idea of finding your loved one and building a life around that, how would this look like if you never settled down for someone? Is there anyone who has been through that who can tell me that it isn't lonely but just very deliberating , please...😅😂

(English is not my nativw language so there might be a lot of mistakes, sorry)

So, I'm 16 year old girl and I thought I was hetero my entire life. Tho, my feelings were never mutual and didn't really last long (Like for a month max).

But then, almost a year ago I liked a girl, what was really unusual for me, because I've never had any romantic thought about girls before. Tho, I explain this by the way she was dressing like a boy(according to my vision), acting kind of boyishly and so on. It wasn't mutual again and my feeling for her lasted only for 2 weeks in general.

After falling in love with this girl I haven't like anybody for almost a year now. And it's also very unusual for me, because before that I would get some crushes on different people or maybe some characters, but I haven't been at least a little attracted to anybody. That's why I think that maybe I am aromantic?

I need some advice. Maybe I should just wait and see how it goes because it's been not a long time to make any decisions. And I have no idea if orientation can change during the life.

Again, sorry for mistakes, that's the best I can do. I also don't know if I chose suitable community;_) By the way, I will be really grateful for any piece of advice I can get, thank you!

I'm ace but idk if I'm aro. Personally I don't know what is considered romantic but I seen a few ppl saying it's those lovely dovely stuff like sending flowers, love letter, chocolate holding hands and cuddling. So I do enjoy flowers (however, I don't mind me buying myself flowers or others getting me flowers by partner or friends as I genuinely just like flowers. Or I don't mind cuddling (I think, I never dated someone) I think cuddling are cute and love letters are also cute but I think it's just my ego talking cuz I like ppl talking abt me positively which is similar to a love letter) I asked a lot of ppl either they are aro or not, they don't know how to answer my "what is considered as aromantic" like idk kinda confusing. Plus it bothers me a lot because I have a few characters who are not aro and definitely have partners as I'm a writer myself. (The romance are only added so I can do more stuff with angst)

I know off topic at the end but cmon.

I think I might be aromantic but if I were to be attracted to someone it would probably be both and I just don’t really know what to call that¿

I’m currently in college. Which is the age my friends are getting married.

I’m some ways, I see myself as aro. But then I get slightly jealous of my friends getting married. I don’t know if there’s something else there. Because I don’t know if I actually want to get married. I’ve never been on a date.

Is this normal at all?

hi!! i've been very confused about my identity recently so i thought i would ask this sub! i'm a teenage girl and have NEVER had a crush before. like,ever (aside from elementary school crushes lmao). the only "crush" i've ever had was on my best friend,even though that faded after like a year. i don't even know if I truly liked her like that or if i simply wanted myself to like her like that if you know what i mean. everytime i was texting a guy i stopped pretty quickly because it seemed awkward. i can't really see myself in a long term relationship with a woman so if i happen to be bi i probably lean towards men,with who i can see myself in a relationship with a little bit more. also, i love love. i'm literally a hopeless romantic and make up scenarios in my head all the time. does this sound like i am cupioromantic or something else?? am i alloromantic? i'm really confused rn so i would love some opinions!!

Hey all. Writing for advice but also just to get off my chest lol. I’m (24M) and have been in two relationships in the past, both of which I ended after failing to develop proper romantic feelings for the other person. I am currently in a relationship with a guy (19M), and now that the same thing is happening I’m beginning to question whether or not I might be aromantic.

When I think about it things do sort of add up. I really do like spending time with him and doing dumb shit together, playfighting, being stupid, but as soon as it gets to the romancy stuff (i.e cuddling and being affectionate) I just get uncomfortable (it was the same with my last relationships). Which ik sounds more like friendship but I do enjoy the closeness of a relationship? I’m not asexual at all, I enjoy sex, but in terms of feeling strong emotional affection I am absent. I’m quite an emotionally flat person and often quite a solitary one, which ig might explain it lol. This all sounds very contradictory but oh well.

Thing is, I know (or rather feel) if I tell him he’ll take it as me breaking up and not want to see me again. It’s not that I don’t want to be close with him but I just can’t reciprocate the emotions he’s beginning to express, the same as with both of my previous partners. It sucks but I know now and hopefully can stop myself from hurting someone else unwilling in the future.

Tldr I just need to suck it up and tell him lmao

I just wanted to know if it’s aromantic to have small crushes on people but the thought of an actual romantic relationship being off putting to you.

my ideal long term relationship would be of one where a great deal of personal space exists, maybe a house with two rooms where each of us has our own space. we could go out on platonic dates as friends to have fun, maybe even coparent pets and children 😔 preferably little to no sex throughout the relationship but there is physical intimacy like cuddling, holding hands etc involved the entire relationships foundation would be built upon friendship and mutual belongingness to each other :’) i’d love to come back home to someone and have someone in my life who will always be there for me, the way i will for them.

i’m unsure about my sexuality but does it sound like im aro-ace?

In the past few years, I've realized something critical: I cannot FEEL love, only affection (like how you coo at a cute animal or cuddle a plushie), and I'm wondering if others here have experienced something similar.

For context, I've grown up in a very unaffectionate household and estranged from people before middle school, so I never really got to experience silly crushes or cuddling with bffies at sleepovers- and it's not like I despise the idea. I absolutely cherish my friends and adore physical contact but I just. Can't love them???

I find it incredibly easy to leave friendships behind and accept failed relationships, and thoughts of abandonment and loneliness don't bother me. For emphasis, I deeply value our silly moments and deep talks and do really want to continue being friends with them!! But when it's all over, it feels like a distant dream and I'm not bothered by the emptiness. I appreciate the joy we experienced and yet I can move on from these times, which makes me feel apathetic despite the fond memories.

Additionally, in the two long-term relationships I had I suspected I was aromantic. My partners were absolutely lovely and kind, and yet I still felt muted attraction. Seeing them smile and laugh warmed my heart but it felt more like I was watching a cute instagram reel of cat memes than an actual romantic affection. It feels wrong to call it love at all.

So, back to the title: Is love innate? I have never truly felt, and doubt I ever will, or experienced a love so devastating that I seek long-term relationships and romantic gestures. I love people and yet feel estranged from sentiments of missing past friendships, or general "head over heels" moments.

I know some commenters may ask if I'm not confusing the two, but I'm omitting some details of my personal life that make me 100% certain that I just simply can't view people further than cute and silly humans rather than romantic pursuits and lifelong partners.

TLDR: I feel affection for people yet never a deep love. What the flip causes this and is this a part of the collective human experience?

I'm aro, but very into country and Western music. But unfortunately, most modern country music is about romantic attraction.

Are there any country musicians that don't do that?