Just a little rant, I don’t know what romantic attraction I’m feeling, on one hand I would be ok with dating any gender so I might be panromantic but on the other hand I have only once felt (something that could have been) romantic attraction and that was to a pretty close friend so I could be demi, but on the other others hand that could have been a platonic crush and I don’t know maybe I am aro. But I also feel like a romantic relationship would be nice but there are sex favourable asexuals so I assume that there are romance favourable aromantics. Also sorry if this wasn’t the right place to post this

What does romantic attraction feel like? I’m aegosexual, and know what sexual attraction feels like, but I don’t think I’ve ever felt romantic attraction, or at least not a lot or in reaction to an actual person, and I don’t know how to identify it or what to compare it to. It’s hard to find out where I am on the spectrum when I don’t know what it really is.

So I started identifying myself as arospec but I now I'm starting to think I'm aroace. I honestly never thought I would get to this point because I've always grown up believing I had crushes and wanted to get married and stuff but idk anytime I was in a romantic situation I was wildly uncomfortable. Random people asked me out, a friend asked me to prom, classmates asked me out, and I always just didn't want to be part of it. I've always thought I liked people but now I realise I prolly never had a crush and I've never wanted to date any of the people I said I've liked. I never really understood the point of dating anyway. It was mostly peer pressure or just wanting to be included. I've always fantasised about crushes and romantic scenarios but in those fantasies, other people were always there, spectating and reacting kind of like how people ship characters in books/shows. All the excitement kind of wore off when people weren't there to see it or if people didn't care as much or if I didn't tell people.

I do get interested in people, like I think they're cool and our interests align and i think theyre aesthetically attractive but now more than ever, these romantic fantasies dont fulfill me, like i dont feel anything like i used to. Sometimes i think just having a "crush" became a habit for me so now i just pick someone to think about before i go to bed. But esp after I learned about being aroace and that I'm on the spectrum, romantic scenarios don't fulfill me. I feel like I should feel something but I don't.

Being aroace kind of scares me. What if I get lonely? Idk if someone would want to be in a qpr with me because most people are alloromantic. Ik the kind of relationship I want isn't traditional so what if people wouldn't be happy or fulfilled with me. I'm just ranting cuz idk who to talk to about stuff like this. I've been getting mad imposter syndrome after coming out to my friends cuz I don't feel aro enough because I still watch romantic media. Thanks for reading if you've gotten this far. Lemme know yall experiences.

Hello, I've been questioning why I never get crushes on people lately. I find romantic relationships desirable but I don't like anyone that way. I've never ment someone who I want that with. I think people are attractive but nothing more. Pls can anyone help me understand this?

Hello! Ive (F22) never been in a relationship before, but now im in one and im not too sure about it... I really liked this boy(M20), then i told him, he said we could try dating, and i was excited, but as soon as we put the label of 'boyfriend and girlfriend' (after about a month of talking/flirting) i kinda lost my feelings for him. It feels weird to have someone like me back, and im not too sure if i like him liking me back..? And now, thinking of anyone liking me back at all seems strange. I wouldnt say i have a low self esteem, since i do like myself and think i am enjoyable, cute, etc. although, sometimes i think subconsciously i dont like myself in someways. But overall, i cannot see anyone liking me romantically and/or sexually. It just feels/seems weird... although, i will say, i am not in a great mental state right now, but i think some of that is due to the stress of this feeling. But i also know mental issues can causes these kinds of things to happen in relationships. i have liked people in the past before, but nothing ever came of it, so i couldnt have figure this out before. I think aromantic people usually dont like anyone in these ways..? which is why im confused. I liked people before but even when i like them a lot, i cannot imagine myself with them..? Idk what to do/think... i dont want to lead him on further and then tell him my feelings randomly vanished as soon as we put a label on it. Or to tell him this early on and then be wrong about it and that it was just the anxiety of something new.. 😭

I hate being aro. I never feel anything towards anyone and i hate it. I watch these romance animes straight, gay, lesbian, trans and i really want that feeling but i cant i just cant. I have let down people before like my first gf i had i accepted her dating request and we dated for a few months and she was really into me but no matter how much a tried to i couldnt return those feelings so i decided to tell her that and she was so confused and i visibly seen her get sent into a spiral of depression i felt so bad because she really liked me and i let her down. Recently too this girl has been texting me and talking to me at my school a lot but im confused on her goal is she just a friend, will she try and date me? I really dont want to disappoint again i wish i could feel the way they do about me for gods sake. Ive been deliberately hiding the fact im aro to people and i want to tell everyone but i leave hints such as when someone mentions marriage or kids i just give a dull response like “oh yeah maybe we will see” but if they are really pushy i straight up tell them it most likely aint happening and that really confuses people im feeling like an outlier in this society built on love.

First off, not entirely. I fall somewhere between greyromantic and demiromantic. My whole life I've forced myself into having crushes to be like other people my age, and I knew it didn't feel right. I felt my first genuine romantic attraction when I got my first boyfriend. But we haven't been together in a long time and I find myself back at square one. Being back in the dating scene, I can't develop romantic feelings for 99% of the people I meet. This realization only just hit me today so I thought I'd share it here.

Sidenote: I am also demisexual/asexual and mostly sex replused.

I’m (22NB) not really sure that what I’ve want is a romantic relationship? ofc I want that type of close bond, but to be honest, I feel like there’s a certain pressure of possessiveness that allows hold their partner to and it’s just….normal???!!! Like I don’t know….it gets to a point where I have to keep editing parts of my life to make someone happy…..I’m gonna become miserable in time no matter how much I love the person. Of course I love that type of bond, but not at the point of someone feeling insecure because a friend hugged me or bc I simp for an idol or fictional character.😭like that’s just very bizarre to me???? I know everyone isn’t like that, but it’s so so normal for solos to chip at yourself in the name of love and I just …don’t want to do that. And I don’t think I’m a bad person for wanting someone to accept all of me. I can’t even begin to imagine asking my partner to change how they are for my sake?? And yet that’s something so normalized? why cat you accept me as I am, why would you date someone if you know you want to change them??

I don’t think that’s something I want to do in the name of love. In fact I don’t think that IS love. There’s just too many politics about who you are and aren’t supposed to be and I just…..am not gonna do that for anyone, and I feel more easily accepted in friendships, yk? I do want to date, but not in the way people just have that pressure for you to be their absolute everything. I would like a partner that just lets me be myself without having to chip at myself to make them feel like the most important person to me (and I’m also not a big fan of ranking how much I love all the people in my life, so I’d rather love everyone than have to treat someone as the most important in my life) Tbh that’s scary as fuck😭 so what do you think? Do you think a QPR is better? Bc it would be love for me, but not in an allo way. I would still say they’re my partner, but I’m beginning to doubt if romance is what I want, since I’m already very accepted and loved by my friends! I do want a Family and relationship someday, but I don’t want someone that feels so greedy towards me and thinks that’s normal ( I will say I find myself attracted to women and no men, so a lesbian orientation wise) I’m open to all questions! :D

Just went to go watch a friend's performance and when I saw him we hugged and I screamed "That was so amazing, I love you!!!!" Cause I was really overwhelmed with happiness (cause it was such a good show I'm not exaggerating it they got a OV) Is this ok to say to friend if they're in a relationship? Cause I don't know if it's weird or not or an appropriate thing to say. Help!!

I have identified as aromantic for awhile, but I’m starting to question myself. I identify as lesbian and feel attracted to women and I would want to be with them and all that lovely dovey stuff, but when it comes to romantic feelings or just romantic relationships in general, I don’t feel romantic feelings. Like YES I want a gf and I want to be romantic, but I don’t feel anything so that isn’t possible. I have tried starting a relationship, and that failed miserably because I didn’t feel anything and we never even got to actually dating each other. I thought she was nice, but did I want to be romantically involved? No. I have had “crushes” I guess you could say, but I would NEVER want an actual relationship in the end, at most a friendship. So, do I count? I don’t want to go under a label I don’t fit.

I hate and love being aro at the same time. One the one hand: I’m never gonna have to deal with some of the things people who feel romantic attraction deal with, and I’m terrible with people, and I don’t even think being in a relationship sounds interesting, but on the other hand: i half the time can’t see ship art, ship related things, and people in fucking romantic relationships without crying because I want that to be me so bad and I’ll lay awake at night because I know that while all my friends go off to date and get married or whatever I’ll die alone…

(repost since wrong flair) Ever since I've been attempting to acquire a relationship I've never felt an ounce of romantic attraction. Which is unfortunate because I really want to but I can't no matter how hard I push myself. I feel like I'm going to miss out on a lot by being incapable of these feelings and I'm kinda pissed/sad about it. I've had a few good prospects for relationships but those went nowhere because of this. At this point should I just bite the bullet and accept I'm never going have a true relationship?

Before, I was terrified that I was aromantic, hated the idea, didn't want to be it, etc., but now that I've come to accept the possibility that I am, it's...gone the other way? Like, I'm terrified that I'm faking being aroace and that I'm just romantically traumatised or that there are some other issues that get in the way of having a relationship that aren't necessarily related to some innate aromanticism.

Even though aromanticism makes the most sense for any label when applied to me (have had a single "crush" before and I'm not even sure if I felt that it was even though I had a few of the traits associated with crushing on someone at the time), there's just this fear that I'm faking everything about it and in a sense, I want to be aromantic but get the funny feeling that it might not be true. Does anyone else get this? It's really annoying going from being petrified by the notion of aromanticism to petrified that it's not me LOL

i’ve never had a relationship and since i don’t know what it is like, i can’t seem to understand if i really feel attracted to people romantically. the last time i’ve ever had a crush was when i was around 12 and now i’m 19 with little to no desire to date.

i believe that, even if i’m not aromantic, a significant other is not more valuable than a close friend of mine. (i’m definitely not trying to be disrespectful, that’s just how i personally perceive it.) i’ve tried to go on dates to understand if there’s something that i’m missing, but no, there just isn’t.

i just can’t overcome the feeling that i am missing out on “such an experience” because people keep telling it’s worth it and all that, and all my friends will eventually get married to someone, or at least have the desire to do so. and it makes me wonder what would it be like in the future? would they be happier? am i truly missing out? but then again, if i don’t enjoy playing hide-and-seek, why do i keep thinking about it just because my friends seem to love it?

what do you think? does anyone relate? what should i do? i don’t even know if i’m aromantic or not but i do feel like i’m supposed to like someone because that’s just the way it is. am i thinking too hard about it? how do i overcome that fear?

TW: trauma

I am a girl (23) and I am aroace. I come from a family of mental instability and emotional abuse. My father verbally and emotionally abuses my mother for years, was emotionally absent to my upbringing, and my mother had become a figure of authority to me, thus causing me huge problems when it comes to my social life afterwards.

I thik my father's behavior towards my mom makes me being afraid of having a relationship because I am afraid that I will lose all of my freedom to someone else, as happened with my mom. And I don't want to spend my time and emotions to someone I won't know if we would still be together in the end. I have never experienced romantic attraction, I had been asked to do a relationship a lot of times and always felt uncomfortable, and the concept of relationships in general causes me disdain. I never understood how this could be so much important for someone when there are other aspects in life. Same goes for sex, I despise it.

I highly think I am aroace as a result of my family trauma (I don't mind that tbh). Any ideas?

Welcome to this week's aromantic rant with Formal-ad-21205.

Does anyone else HATE the saying, "she's married, so she's in a different stage of life." It makes life sound like a board game, and implies that her game piece is ahead of mine, which is hurtful.

Why are married women typically seen as busier or more responsible? And I am NOT referring to married women with kids.

I once had a close female friend who I used to see a lot. She used to be the one who I could always go to when I had a problem. She was also a big extrovert, and was usually the one planning parties and sleepovers. She was hilarious and would call herself a "weirdo" a lot.

I have barely seen her since she got married. On the rare occasion when I would see her, she would leave early to go see her husband. She would also cancel plans last minute, and even forgot my birthday.

I began to take it personally. When I expressed this to mutual friends, they would say things such as:

"Oh, it's because she's busy with marriage."

"When she was single, she had a lot more free time."

"She's a married woman with a lot of responsibilities."

Also it implies that single women ...don't have a lot of responsibilities, which is not true. I have a college degree, a full-time job, and a load of housework that I have to do ALONE without a partner to help me.

What is it, then, about marriage, that takes up so much of a woman's time?

Note: Again, I am referring to married women who DON'T have kids.

Note: Yes, I've lived in religious areas my whole life, but I'm not sure if that changes anything.

What the title says. I'm still in school and only 2 people know I'm arospec (apart from this entire subreddit lol).

Thanks in advance :D

stuff i’ve used/thought about using: heartkin, kindred soul, beloved (I don’t consider strictly romantic, my mom called my sisters and I her ‘beloveds’ growing up), ducky, buzzy bee, gollum

Ok I’m a bit new to reddit and the last place a posted didn’t get any responses- so here’s take 2😅 I’m looking to rant/discuss/ and get opinions btw, hope you enjoy. F18

Ok so for ages I had decided I was bi. I’ve had crushes on boys which I would say were mostly based on aesthetic attraction and I would smile and blush uncontrollably, feel overwhelming happy, and want to just admire them or stare into their eyes. I have interpreted this as romantic feelings and desires. However, the one time I wanted to ask out a guy really badly, he rejected me (I had been crushing hard core and been trying to get to know him better at school for MONTHS😭) but after he rejected me i was disappointed but relieved cause I had invited him to go to hang out with me and some friends and all I was thinking about was shit how am I supposed to act around him and also interact with my friends? These kind of crushes were very intense but I can’t imagine having to deal with such an intense feeling all of the time while dating someone. I have had little to no sexual attractions to boys but still think about them when I’m… alone- if you know what I mean👀 but same with girls

I have the same aesthetic attraction with girls, that I mentioned previously about boys. But also physical attraction. My attraction to girls is much more confusing partially cause, for people that aren’t guys, I’m attracted to masculinity and androgyny. And there is less of that presentation at my school so less chance to get to know people or develop crushes. I realised I was bi after my friend confessed they liked me. And ever though we were growing apart i suddenly wanted to kiss and hug them but definitely not date them.

I’ve also once made plans to move in and live with another friend/ and I’ve always wanted/ desired to live with a few close friends rather than live with just a partner. I don’t want to be married and in my future I want to be close with people but I want the ‘freedom’ that I sometimes feel I could loose in a committed relationship.

My main problem is with the beautiful girl that I met a few month ago. while we were getting to know each other she told me she likes me and we even went on a date. She ended up telling me she got friend vibes from the date and that’s when I realised being bubbling and super friendly is not an effective flirting method😅 but I was also trying to be myself and not think about it too hard which makes me wonder if subconsciously I’m feeling platonic attraction. Before she told me she liked me I didn’t think about her like that but now I want to hug and kiss her and spend lots of time with her and texting her makes me really happy and smiley but nothing like some of the other crushes I’ve ever had. But I have always enjoyed talking to her and she makes me feel good about myself which might be nice in a relationship compared to an overwhelming crush all the time.

I’ve been looking into polyamory and where I could fit onto the aro and ace spectrum which I originally thought I wouldn’t have to even worry about labelling and that I could just experiment but I realise that might not fair on the other person

Although this girl said there were friend vibes she keeps flirting with me and calling me lovely and texting me ‘i love you’ and I feel like I’m being shallow and leading her on cause I don’t feel like the textbook standard attraction towards her.

She’s very open and honest and i actually told her that I don’t want to date her but I do sometimes want to kiss her so she knows (and she understands and basically felt the same way😝)but it still feels like if I make any moves it’s like a declaration that i have the textbook feelings towards her that ‘everyone else’ feels with their significant other. And i feel like I can only stop that expectation by finding the right label

Ok thanks for listening😅

I've been bouncing around a few terms for years, or other people have told me what orientation I fall under. But I'd really like to properly narrow it down. I've considered myself demi for years since it seemed like the easiest explanation when someone asks. I've been told I'm panromantic as well as aromantic. I have no preference on gender, I literally think everyone is gorgeous in the own way but I'm only romatically attracted to someone I have strong feelings for, sex is one of those things I'm not too keen on (but that may be due to trauma) sex is also only an option with 1 person (can't do it casually) and I NEED to have strong feelings for them and be committed (and vice versa). Any ideas?

My bestie and I had been dating for a year but we recently broke up. The reason being is that he thinks he’s Aro. At the time I reacted pretty immaturely and I said some hurtful things, but I’ve since apologized and have been working with my therapist to challenge the reasons why I got upset. Now after a few weeks of feeling my feelings, thinking about what I want from romance and what it means to me, and thinking on how I experience attraction, I think that I don’t feel much if any distinction in the way I feel love, only the context differs. I am someone who feels very strongly and passionately about everything, it honestly gets a little exhausting but it’s part of who I am. And I feel the most passionately about my friends, my bestie especially. What romance had been for me was always an action, an allowance to be as effective to someone else as they want, without feeling guilty about it. But I think I’ve always wanted to be that affectionate to all my friends in ways that make them feel special. And what I want from romance is pretty indistinguishable from what I’d want from a best friend. And I also figured out that the ways that I get attached to people that are important to me has been unhealthy. Due to some abandonment trauma of the past, for everyone of my best friends I have this anxious feeling that they’re gonna go off somewhere and never interact with me again(or if I’m in a really bad headspace, it feels like they might even die if I’m not around). And that’s usually not true, and those fears are kinda silly. None of my friends have shown me that they don’t want to be friends with me, and if they don’t want to be my friend that’s their loss. I don’t know if this emotion, Love, is something that I can truly differentiate. There can be various different contexts to show this love, platonic, romantic, paternal, spiritual, and communal, but for me I don’t think they’re all their own unique emotions, it’s just one huge emotion with different outlets and contexts with different people. And I don’t know if this is just me being polyamorous or if I’m somewhere on the aroace spectrum, but I do know that I want to get more comfortable being affectionate and seeking affection with/from all my friends.

Okay so for my whole life, I’ve barely had crushes on anyone for some reason and I thought to myself “Why can’t have a crush and go on a date like almost everybody else?” I had a few guy friends back when I used to go to school and one by one, they confessed that they had feelings for me. I told them that I didn’t feel the same and I would prefer if we would be friends instead. They would be cool with it. There are times in my head where I would think that they’re kind of cute but then it just goes away quickly. Now I am in College and a few months ago, I was going through barnes and noble and I met this guy. I thought he was kind of cute and I didn’t know that he felt the same way about me until I got his discord and he confessed that he liked me. I told him I felt the same and I told myself that he might be the one. So we hit it off (well, we weren’t really official, it was a work in progress,) we were flirting back and forth for a bit sending each other cute emojis n stuff. Everything was going okay until suddenly, my feelings for him just went away so quickly. I don’t know how it happened it just did. Anyways, on November 23, I went to barnes and noble again and I told him that I no longer have feelings for him and he was actually chill about it. Then later, as soon as I left the store, I started crying. I told myself how did I fumble the bag this badly? I felt like I did something so stupid and I regret it so much. So I went onto discord and I tried so hard to get him back but he kept on insisting that we should just stay platonic instead. After trying a few more times, I eventually gave up. I thought to myself “You know what? Maybe he’s right. Maybe we should just stay friends. It’s not worth it.” So yeah that’s what happened. Now that I think about it, I think I might be, MIGHT BE, somewhere on the aromantic spectrum. I was thinking to myself I think I might be frayromantic or grayromantic after that experience. Also I’m sorry if I sounded kind of stalker-ish. It’s because I’ve never felt this way towards anyone before and I thought maybe it’s my shot, I can do this, but I couldn’t. So what do you guys think? Am I actually somewhere on the aromantic spectrum or maybe I’m just looking too much into and that I’m just straight? Let me know.

Of your friend venting to you and your comforting them but then they say something about a issue they have with their partner and you can’t help but go quiet because the only response you can think of is break up

Mind you idk if it’s a toxic relationship or a abusive one but like I do know that their mental illnesses are fighting to the death when they are around each other

It’s worse given it was in a area where their partner could see so yeah

help🙏

i’m not sure if i’m aromantic or not. yearssss ago i truly fell in love and i could feel it in my heart, but i haven’t felt that way since, and it was only once. i’ve loved people but not fell in love with them. i don’t get that feeling in my heart. i would do all the lovey dovey stuff like cuddling and kissing, sure, and sexual things but i don’t know. i’ve been questioning for 3 years. and being in an online relationship doesn’t help. small words? it feels like a really strong friendship that’s a lot more than a friendship.

I've met a few other Aros that have told me they don't have this issue at all so I'm wondering if this is due to my aromanticism or if I'm just dense.

I've mulled this over for quite a while, and here are a few things that I think add to my confusion. Despite my lack of experience in romance, I'm really big on love. Platonic love is especially important to me, and I don't shy away from expressing my appreciation for my friends. So, because I love very loudly, I do things that many romantic partners usually do for their lovers. I write poems, give personalized gifts, send food, and go out of my way to make the people I love feel cared for and appreciated. My actions are not romantic in nature, but I've been made aware that these gestures are also done out of romantic affection.

When I see people being physically affectionate, or giving each other gifts, or telling each other sweet words, my immediate thought is always, "Aw, they're such good friends!" This has happened far too many times, and it shocks me when they reveal that they like each other romantically. I always seem to be the only one surprised. I expressed this to my friends after they told me about their relationship and they called me dense. It never used to bother me because I know romance is never the driving force of my actions, so why would it be the first thought that comes to mind when I see someone doing something nice? I realized, though, that not being able to pick up on these cues can put me at a disadvantage, but no matter how hard I try to be more attentive, I just can't pick up on them. I'm afraid that it might affect the people around me, too, because while romance isn't a big thing for me, I know that for most, especially at my age, it consumes a majority of their lives. Looking back, I've blocked so many of my friends' advances toward each other, and I'm sure I've done the same in the past. I don't know; it's just been bothering me because, again, I'm big on platonic love, and I can't help but think that the way I am is hindering me from being a better friend.

Hey everyone just seeking some advice on if/how i fall on the aromantic spectrum or if i'm confusing emotions with each other.

i just want to preface this with the fact ive been under the assumption im to some degree aromantic for the past year but i'm just not super sure if i am understanding the label and my own feelings correctly. also i am 18f and have had stuggles wt depression and anxiety (just mentioning bc i feel like that might have some effect on my hormones and/or perception of this ???)

so basically ever since i've known romance (in a practical sense) ive had fluctuating feeling towards it like i definitely genuinely feel romantic feelings towards people and not simply just people i have grown to know for a while (im not demi). i am somewhat quick to love people but ive noticed myself (when in relationships with people - or on the verge of relationships) feeling disgusted and like idk how to describe it but like kinda annoyed? by the prospect of people i had, a day earlier, enjoyed the company of. the grossed out annoying feelings goes away after a few days to like a month and i go back to being capable of feeling romance (? idk how to word that better) for a month or couple months.

and i want to clarify that i genuinely enjoy romance and often crave it when im not in a relationship (unless im in one of the disgusted weeks) not only do i crave it but i actively seek out romance. - oml im making it sound like im obsessed wt romance i am not lmaoo

anyway i'm on hinge now (dont judge me pls) and just recently had one of these weeks where i was disgusted by the prospect of love and ghosted everyone i was talking to on there. which is what prompted me to make this post. i just kinda feel disgusted at myself after weeks where i can't identify with the feelings that i felt a day before.

is this normal for aromance? or do u think its some kinda hormone thing? or am i just a weird individual subconsciously afraid of commitment?

also i have looked into sublabels in the aro-spec comunity but none really seem to be what i feel - maybe greyromantic to a degree but i feel like a have more romantic feelings than what majoirty of the people who identify with that label do. also im just not a huge fan of labels in general.

im super duper sorry for long rambly post just looking for some advice!! also so sorry for spelling mistakes and i hope this was the right place to put this post - haha im kinda having a midnight crisis!!

I need to know because I've felt like this for months now... does anyone else feel like, by their friends getting partners, they're going to be left behind?

like i feel like people take their romantic relationships as so much more of a priority than their friendships, i feel like because of that my friends are going to stop spending time with me and it scares the hell out of me.

another smaller part of this is my feeling that romantic relationships are an indication of growing up. I know they aren't and I know thinking like that is wrong. i just can't shake the feeling that i will always be seen as somewhat of a child because i'm not into romance...

please let me know if this is just a me thing because i feel insane :/

broke up with my partner yesterday and i just felt relieved.

i thought i was just weird and introverted. i thought i could teach myself how to be a good partner and enjoy kissing and being perceived as a couple when with my partner. but it never felt like it was me and them, it was only “us” and every aspect of my life involved them. not that i wasn’t happy to have a person it just wasn’t romantic on my end? it was practical. they liked me, we had our physical needs, and living with a partner is easier financially. romance was just going through the motions for me. i was dating someone, so i performed the boyfriend duties.

but holy shit i don’t have to kiss someone again. maybe i will but it won’t be the ONLY way i can show affection, yknow? i don’t have to pretend that being half of one unit is something i want for myself. i feel like a whole person. i didn’t even know i was aro because i felt it sometimes, and i didn’t viscerally HATE being in a relationship like that, so maybe i was just broken somehow, right?

being loved like that feels nice sometimes, but i get those same feelings from my friends and family. the second i did some self-reflecting i realized that it’s all platonic. even though they’re not taking it well, my now ex has not changed in my eyes. we just won’t be publicly “us” anymore. they’re still my friend, and likely always will be.

but i’m happy because i’m going to take care of myself. i’m aromantic and i’m not going to force things i don’t feel anymore

My best friend got a boyfriend recently, and while that’s a whole story itself it’s made me realize that no matter how much someone means to me, their partner will always be a rung above me in importance. She just confirmed it, telling me that she’s not comfortable with physical touch unless it’s with a partner. This just sucks

Good morning!

This will be lengthy. I felt possessed to wander into this subreddit to share a bit of my story, say 'hello' to some likeminded people, etc. First time poster obviously, but excited to maybe talk with some people who get where I'm coming from! I have close friends I can talk about this with, and they're great people, but I thought the experience of coming here would be worthwhile.

My dating history began relatively late in life, when I was in my late twenties. I'm gay, I didn't "come out" (I don't like that term) until I was twenty-four, and I had to reconcile certain issues regarding insecurity about my own "date-worthiness" and attractiveness before I felt ready to jump into that world.

And it actually went pretty well in terms of finding people interested in going out with me. There were good guys, guys I still talk to now, but also a recurring note throughout the first few years was often a feeling of "yeah I like talking to this guy, yes I'll go through with this date, but I already know being home with my bag of Flamin' Hots afterward, rabbit-holing my way through Wikipedia, is going to be the high point of the evening." It wasn't about the guys, I just knew I really liked being by myself. One of the accidental side effects of not being part of the dating pool for my entire adolescence and early adulthood was learning how to really enjoy time spent alone (for which I'm grateful - the universe always knows what it's doing).

A few times, the dates had follow-ups, and those follow-ups had follow-ups, and I'd veer close to "is this going to become a relationship?" And as it grew more romantically intimate, I started feeling this lurking sense of revulsion. It felt like performance, like we had all consumed the same media showing us what RoMaNcE looked like and were regurgitating it all over each other; and it made me feel both unhealthy and kind of sad. To be clear, if people want romance and romantic love in their lives, I'm so happy for them that they know what they want, and if they get it and it's everything they hoped it would be, that's great.

But for me, it started to feel like Something Was Ending every time I inched toward relationship space. Which, I guess, something *is* ending any time someone joins a romantic relationship, a change is also an end, if we're getting deep about it. And I hated the sensation. I also feel like, up-close and from further away, I saw people my whole life who were "in love" with each other and it often looked so dramatic and upsetting and serious. It just didn't seem fun at all. Maybe that comes down to the examples I had to observe, but it just seemed (and seems) like being in it would be such a painful state for me. I can't appreciate what the good things about Being In Love would be, and I'm not really interested in learning.

So a few things happen that lurch me onto my current path.

One was reading an online advice column that responded to a letter written by a woman who said her friends didn't understand the relationship she was in. She was dating a guy and, at the outset, both agreed to a predetermined "expiration date" to the relationship. I can't remember why they did this, I'll try to track the column down if anyone is interested. But none of the friends understood why, if the relationship was going so well, the couple wouldn't want to keep it going.

And I thought, "that's a really cool idea". With my own modifications of course. "Let's date for [x] days, you be my hot plus-one to events, I'll be your museum partner, you'll never ask to meet my family, I'll never ask to spend the night," etc. We just have fun, we won't get emotionally attached or expect it to go anywhere, and then we part ways happily. Maybe we stay friends, maybe we check in at an agreed-upon date post-break, whatever. Easy on paper, not necessarily expecting to get that kind of experience in reality. But I was getting closer to figuring out what I might want.

I also got Grindr in late 2021 which was pretty awesome. And someone described himself as 'aromantic' on his profile and I thought, "what's that?" So I looked it up and it was a total Anton Ego Ratatouille moment. It's funny how looking up a single word can make years of amorphous *feeling* just snap into focus. I didn't want to 100% define myself just yet, but it felt like I was really on to something.

Knowing aromantic people could have partnerships was also a big deal. Because over the years I continuously felt drawn to "going out" with guys, but there was a goldilocks zone I was looking for but didn't know how to name it. More on that later.

So even though this all happened in late 2021, I still "seriously" dated a guy in 2023. I was very much in the "I'm aromantic" mindset when he and I met, but I remember thinking, "if anyone was tailor-made for me, it's this guy." I had to give it a chance, there was such a strong connection and it was worth exploring. But after a few months, the same feelings emerged of, "I don't want this." I wasn't rejecting him, I was rejecting the situation. And the conversation was AWFUL. It was one of the worst days of my life, because I had to hurt someone I really cared about, but I couldn't care about him in the way he wanted. I had to ACTUALLY do the "it's not you, it's me." But no! It genuinely IS me! I'm so grateful that he eventually wanted to stay friends (we're actually messaging as I write this).

After that, I had to have a very serious conversation with myself and kind of map out the parameters of what I currently think I want, if I want anything from another person or with another person.

Because I actually do think a relationship "of a kind" would be fun. I recently came across the term Queerplatonic Relationship. Thanks, I hate it.

But name aside, the premise it describes is pretty synced up to what I envision if I see myself in a happy partnership with somebody! It's a partnership with a certain type of exclusivity that elevates it beyond "close friendship" but doesn't exist in the same space as a romantic relationship. You've decided you're going to partner in a way that involves making major life decisions together, your bond with each other is one you don't share with anyone else, and it's not romantic. I'm sure many of you already know what a Queerplatonic Relationship is, so I won't belabor the topic hahahaha.

If I picture what I believe is my ideal relationship, it's something like this:

It's rooted in mental and physical attraction to one another. We live next to each other, we have keys to each other's homes, but we also have locks on our doors, so that if we really need decompression time or alone time, we can properly have that without another (well intentioned) person still creeping by in the background. We go to dinner together (often but not always), we go to movies together, museums, we can talk for hours about all kinds of subjects, we provide mental/emotional support for each other the way a friend would, etc. We can spend our evenings totally alone, not communicating with each other, or we can have a slumber party night, build a fort in the living room, watch '90s movies and eat snacks together. Or we can have sex, and then it's off to our own places and beds for the night (I hate sleeping in the same bed or even room with someone else). Sexually the relationship is open, but our particular connection is something we've committed to and aren't seeking with anyone else. And it's not "let's just do this until we Actually Fall In Love with other people." And we're happy NOT to have romantic closeness or intimacy, neither of us wants that from the other, no one's jealous if the other has a hookup or sleeps with a friend. Even if we've made the decision to pair our journeys to one another, and despite the closeness we experience, there's still a casualness with which we approach one another. We don't need to know each other the way it seems romantic couples need to know each other. The emotional expectations aren't as high as they would be if we were being romantic together.

I know all of this, again, is easier said than done. But I know I'll actually be fine if I don't have this with anyone, so I'm not in a hurry to make it happen by any means. Plus that goes back to another reservation I've always had about dating: we're dating each other because we're looking for a relationship, and now here we are having dinner, going on a walk, whatever it may be. And we're essentially auditioning to one day be the most important person in each other's lives. And whenever I sat there and really considered that, it always felt a little silly. People could say "it's just a date" but if you're going on a date with someone, it's because you had an initial click with one another and in the back of your head you ARE exploring that possibility with this person. So I don't even know what aromantic dating even looks like or how interested I'd even be in that. I almost feel like it's just something that's better just *happening* ... but then how many aromantic people do you casually meet in life - or if you DO meet them, do you even know it? How does that even come up in conversation?

So yeah, that's all I've got, looking forward to seeing people's thoughts if anyone feels like sharing, insights are always appreciated, and um. Yeah!