TW: mention of female genitalia

So I’ll preference this with two things: 1) I absolutely love the color pink in anything, clothes, furniture, cups, decorations, etc. 2) I’m currently working on getting my PhD and I’m studying a group of microscopic organisms called foraminifera.

Ok, now that you know that, here’s the gist of it. My advisor and I joke often about how much I love bright pink. They’re not a fan of it, but I am, so they tease me about and I joke that one day I’ll publish all my papers with bright pink figures.

Today they sent me a link to a tweet someone posted showing an artsy pattern of foraminifera with lots of swoops and lines and stuff, and the best part, IT WAS PINK!!! I was so excited, I thought it was hilarious. So I sent it to a group of my friends all like, “LOOK! PINK FORAMS!!” Cause they know how much I love pink and how much I love forams (foraminifera) and I was gonna take the pattern and make it into a dress.

But then I was told that apparently some of the forams in the image look like a vulva and anyone who sees me wear something that would think and they’re talking about how it’s so obvious and asking how anyone could ever think it’s anything and I just wanted to shout and be like, “STOP! JUST STOP OK!” Because it wasn’t obvious to me! It NEVER is ok? Like sure sometimes I get that a song is an about sex or that someone’s referencing genitalia and yeah I make dirty jokes sometimes, but I have to actively paying attention to understand most of those references or make those jokes. If I’m just passively listening I won’t get it.

And you know, once they pointed it out I could see it and I just felt my soul get crushed a little, you know? Because why does everything all the time have to remind people of sex and genitalia? Why can’t I find a nice artsy pattern that’s pink and just be happy? Why do I always have to wonder if other people are gonna think it’s referencing sex?

And what’s worse is now I feel like a completely idiot! Like, “duh! How could I have not seen that?” And I just wish I hadn’t ever sent my friends the photo of the pattern. I asked a few other friends and they all agreed.

I just hate it all so much sometimes.

Anyway, I’ll attach the image so y’all can see how dumb I was. I promise you it is suppose to be of foraminifera, I’m just the idiot asexual science nerd who never notices these things 😞.

(CONTENT WARNING: EATING DISORDER, SEX, AND DRUGS)

ALSO SORRY IT'S SO LONG

I (F,21) need advice about how to navigate my relationship with my close friend (M,21) who I'll call Ollie in this post. We've been friends for about a year and we've become close. I always wanted a rock climbing partner and I've found one in Ollie which is really cool and I'm still so gassed about it. We've been on a few little mountaineering adventures together and it's always the best time ever. And we also take psychedelics together and that's the best time too. But it's not just the adrenaline and serotonin of these activities that's why we have such a good time- I've realised that it wouldn't be the same with anyone else. We have the same hobbies, the same taste in music, we're both a little autistic, we make each other laugh and I think we genuinely like, respect and never judge one another. I feel so happy when I hang out with him and every time it's over I can't wait until the next time.

I sleep in Ollie's bed or his tent when I'm too cold or too tired or too high and we snuggle a bit but never fully spoon. I like to feel his body against mine it makes me feel safe and calm. I've never been this intimate with a boy I wasn't in a sexual relationship with. And actually, I don't think I enjoyed cuddling with those 2 past boyfriends half as much either- there would always be a hint of anxiety about the possibility of sex.

When I first recognised there was romantic chemistry in our friendship a few months back, I was deadly afraid he would say something or make a move and I've have to tell him I think I'm ace but not aro. That would be awkward, I worried. But then nothing happened. From his point of view I've probably given weird mixed signals. Also, he respects me and values our friendship so my guess is that he knew not to make an unsolicited move. He does a lot of stuff that probabally most people would call flirting but that doesn't feel awkward though it's just funny.

Anyway, yesterday was Ollie's birthday and I went out with him and 2 of his friends. I had some drinks and I lost my filter (not that I ever really have one) and said that I'm asexual. I think Ollie didn't quite know what to make of that but he didn't interrogate me or anything. His friends also said they assumed Ollie and I are together and something about him lighting up when he talks about me. I think I said something like "obviously in another world but alas" and "most guys don't want to have sex with someone who's openly not into it" and "maybe I should have a lesbian hookup and see if that does anything for me".

Even more cringe though was later in the night when a girl was coming onto him for a bit and we went to the smoking area and I started making straight boy jokes about his 'rizz' to make it obvious that I'm not some pick-me cock-block. Because I'm not. Or at least I'm not trying to be. I'd hate the thought of being in the way of him getting some action. But I realised that maybe that's exactly what I'm doing by having this very intimate friendship with him. Am I toying with him? Would he be going on dates if it wasn't for me?

See that's the thing. Personally, I feel very happy about whatever we've got going on here. Confused? Definitely. But I like it nonetheless. Yet it's not just about me personally. I want him to be in a relationship that's sexually fulfilling for him if that's what he wants. (Although I don't think he's got a particularly high libido because he said his body count is two like mine and both of those were before I knew him.)

Part of me wonders what it would be like to put my arm over him. Part of me even wonders what it would be like to kiss him or to get a hickey from him. But I can't do that. Because what if we did and I decided I didn't like it. Things wouldn't just go back to how they were. At least not for a while.

I can't talk to Ollie about it because how do I explain that I'm not physically attracted to him, but I want to try being physical.

Also, what if after that he meets the girl of his dreams who has sex with him. A girl who can actually cum during sex. I'm sure she wouldn't want me anywhere near her boyfriend. I'm sure she'd not like me one bit and poof I've lost my climbing and tripping partner.

There's also one more thing to add- I've had a severe eating disorder and mental health issues since I was a child. This is relavant for two reasons:

Firstly, I'm not girlfriend material at all. I'm a complete mess- a nutter whose whole life is just a string of mishaps with semi-occasional burnouts and breakdowns. I wouldn't want Ollie to get too close to me and end up worrying about my bullshit. Because I know from being at the heart of it that it's frankly exhausting.

Secondly, I was anorexic from age 8 to 18. I never properly went through puberty as a teenager. I blame my asexuality on this. I was also on masses of SSRIs throughout my teen years too that probabally didn't help my lack of libido developent either. I was bulimic for two years after that but that was even worse for my body and it was during this period that I had my two sexually unsuccessful (at least from my perspective) relationships. However, a few months ago I started a new therapy and I've started to actually eat more normally and regularly. My estrogen has gone up and I got my period properly for the first time three months ago. I'm hoping that as I recover I will stop being so asexual. Is that possible? Is there anyone else here who has experienced a reduction in their asexuality due to delayed puberty?

Congratulations to anyone who read all of that. So what do you think I should do? Should I just appreiciate that I've got a good thing going and not ruin it and just see where it goes naturally? Or do you think I'm messing with Ollie and I need to have a sober conversation with him about all this?

So I'm 17 (cis girl that prefers she/they pronouns) and finishing up high school. Most of my friends have already felt sexually aroused or have lost their virginity. I have friends I'm going to be talking about, K, V and C. So backstory.

I figured out I was ace at around 14. I'm still questioning where I am on the romantic spectrum but assume I'm gray-romantic or demi-romantic. So when I figured out I was ace I was so excited to come out. It felt like I had finally figured out why I never felt anything towards anyone.

So I recently came out to K, V, and C. Over the years I grew to dislike K and C, but during this moment they seemed nice and understanding. I was really happy about it, so I came out to V. They just kind of ignored me, but I didn't really care.

A week later some new kid moved into my neighborhood. We talked, and he told me liked Boba tea, while I didn't. I was getting Boba as a treat that day, I told him I'd get him some. When K asked what I was doing with it, I said I was saving it for someone.

They called V and C, and asked if I liked him. I said I thought he was nice.

They then asked if I thought he was attractive.

I never really had a grip on what was conventionally attractive and can't imagine myself doing the deed with anyone (I'm sex-repulsed) so I just said "I guess."

They immediately asked if I was going to date him, if he was sexy, if I was finally going to lose my virginity, all that. I reminded them I was asexual but they told me that wasn't a real thing.

They're definitely not the nicest, but I really thought they were better than that. Didn't know of this was aphobia so I put it as a vent. Thanks for reading all of this if you did.

Am i even allowed here? I can't get sex due to my ugliness.. So is that some kind asexuality or should i leave this sub? I am a typical "in*el".. Tell me and I'll leave this sub.

I’m aro-ace and is wondering if thers anything other that I could call a queertonic partner of mine. I feel as boyfriend, girlfriend and stuff like that sounds so allo. I still don’t want to say something like friend because a queertonic relationship is so much mor than just a friendship. I usually just use the term partner but was wondering if there’s something else I could use. Any suggestions?

A note in my journal from 10 years ago when I was a little 20 year old undergrad.

The utter fucking confusion of falling in love without a kiss

I've been Ace my whole life, 30 this year. I hate touching people, Ive never wanted to kiss someone, I've never wanted to hold someone, I've never been wanted to have sex, I've been an Ace counsellor at my Uni, I close my eyes and physically recoil in kissing scenes in movies.

I've been on hundreds of dates since I was 18, waiting to find someone who also shared my desire for love but not for sex.

I've been going on dates with a girl for months now. I never felt the need to tell her that I was ace. We've talked about everything under the Sun and hours flew like seconds. On date number 8 we were walking through a field after a perfect day, and I kissed her. I was so fking calm, and so comfortable, and safe, and I actually really enjoyed it. I was so fkn happy all day, I couldn't sleep because I was grinning so much. I just don't know what happened!

I still don't have sexual urges towards her, but I now suddenly want to "sleep" with her, I really love her. [Edit, I used the word sleep because I'm still so uncomfortable saying sex]. Was I not Ace this whole time. I'm so confused. I'm so happy. I'm so confused.

Sometimes I get really confused as to the reactions people have towards sex compared to how I experience it.

Mentally, sex doesn't disgust me, it even entices me sometimes, but I don't relate at all when most people who are open to talk about describe the physical aspects of it. To me at least, it feels like a really comfortable release if that makes sense. Additionally, an orgasm to me feels like a nice rest instead of the rush of euphoria people ive asked talk about.

Sometimes, I think it would be nice to have sex, and sometimes I get horny, but I feel like could all the same spend the rest of my life without having sex.

Does this relate to some side of asexuality?

I'll start by saying it's just so invaluable to have people who's experiences I can relate to, in allo spaces there's often a lot of expectations to do with relationships, desires, attraction, and gender expression that don't exist here (or at least not nearly to the same extent) and I find it really nice to have a community I can be myself around. (Edit: just clarifying a point)

And can some of them be sexual in nature from an allo perspective but aren't sexual to you?

CW: talk about sex with certain acts mentioned

I’m pretty sure I’m on the ace spectrum but I’m not 100% sure. Is it under the umbrella if I find people pretty, but if I think about sex it usually feels like “meh” or sometimes (rarely) even repulsive, but then if I get touched (ex. A sensual massage) then I can feel desire and want sex? But also, if they stopped my desire would just dissipate immediately, rather than taking a bit for it to go away? I deeply enjoy sex when it happens, and I like kinks and whatnot, and I can objectively say people are attractive, I even masturbate (even if it’s only like 4 times a year). I also enjoy doing things for my partner, but mostly just because it makes them happy and I like that, but not specifically turning me on. With that being said, I could probably live my entire life never having sex again so long as I got intimacy in other ways. BUT during my ovulation week I will at times greatly desire sex, but only physically.

So… am I asexual? If so, is there a micro-label to describe this?

TLDR: I only want sex if someone arouses my body first, otherwise I’m either “meh” or “no” but my hormones sometimes spike desire. Am I ace?

I am a 22 year old boy and I never think of sex, masturbation or anything like that during the day. I don’t like girls and don’t really like boys but it’s so confusing to me. I don’t know if it’s a problem or should I just let go and stop taking it so hard

I kinda do find people sexually attractive but I don’t like sex the thought of sex makes me cringe or shiver in disgust What am I?

Hey friends, today I’m going to share with y’all the really fucked up aphobia in my psych eval. Consider that your content warning.

So, I had to get a psych eval for a job. Very standard for this particular job and this is a “ten full pages of analysis” kind of psych eval with a psychiatrist.

Everything was going along smoothly until we got to the sex part of the interview. She asks what my orientation is and I said “asexual”. She responds with the question “so, celibate?”. I sigh inwardly and launch into “Canned explanation of Asexuality #4: why asexuality is not celibacy”. I’m rather annoyed at this point because the APA recognizes asexuality and I really don’t feel like I should have to explain this to someone with a doctorate and license from the APA, but hey, we all have our growing edges. So we move on with the interview and I think everything is fine.

Fast forward to seeing the results (the job has a standing policy of letting applicants also see their results). This woman, no joke, spent a full page going on this wild rant about how my lack of sexual attraction was clearly the result of trauma that I suffered in my early teens that had paused my emotional development. That while I expressed a desire for a partner for “companionship, support, and affection” that I had no desire for a “mature, adult relationship and intimacy”. And that my desire for a relationship sans sex was “naive and unrealistic”. She then went on to heavily imply that I would need “close adult supervision around any children” as they would be “on about the same emotional level” and to prevent me from “finding my life partner in a child”. She was at least kind enough to follow that up with a line about how I had “NOT (her all caps) exhibited any warning signs of predatory behavior” so thanks for that I guess.

She then went on this whole thing about how I “refused to identify the genders of my previous romantic partners” which no? I think she was referencing the fact that I used the terms “partner” and “SO” instead of “boyfriend/girlfriend”. She definitely never asked their genders. But she said that I needed to continue therapy to “deal with my issues around my sexual orientation” so I’m pretty sure she was implying I’m gay and in denial or something.

So yeah, that’s how my day is going, how’re y’all doing?

Edit: hey friends. I see all the recommendations/urgings/demands that I report this immediately. Rest assured, I plan to do just that. However, the job I’m applying for is not a typical “file these forms with HR” kind of job and reporting this right this very moment could seriously blow back on me and stop me from getting to do it. I will report this, but only once I’m sure I can do so without nuking myself in the process.

Hello.

Since December last year, I (24M) don't experience any kind of romantic nor sexual attraction to anyone. Before that I used to have sex often with guys (at least once in a month), but now, i don't feel like doing so. When i first realized this few months ago, I went to a night club (to make my sexual life alive again) and made out with a very handsome guy, but I didn't feel anything. It felt like just two bodies touching each other.

Even porn doesn't look appealing anymore and i don't enjoy watching it. I've been reading romance fictions since 2018 and this year i began to avoid reading sexual scenes since I'm not interested in them anymore. Even the guys in gym's locker room feel repulsive to me.

Also, there's a guy I've been dating for more than a month (it's slowly turning into a friendship) and he has almost everything i look for in a guy, but i don't feel anything towards him.

This kept my mind very busy, so i told this to my therapist. She recommended me to see an urologist, i did so and I got examined, and nothing seemed wrong. I'm all healthy. My hormones are on healthy levels too.

Is there a possibility that I turned asexual somehow in the middle of my youth? I'm so confused and want to get rid of this thing that keeps my mind busy.

so for a few years now, ive resonated pretty strongly with the label of aegosexual, i definitely experience that divide between myself and my sexuality. recently though, ive come to realise that im pretty sure im actually trans. while ive been thinking about that, ive come to realise that what i thought might have been aegosexuality was really me misunderstanding suppressed gender dysphoria. has anyone else had or seen people who have had this experience? did it end up being true for you or them or was it just self doubt?

I feel like I want to have sex, but I dont think I could go to that extent. Maybe it's just the "not so good" relationship with my body, as I am a trans man, but I am not sure, because I get jealous of others who can physically go that far.

Anyone else immediately lose all interest in a product if the ad put some unnecessary emphasis on sexual things, or is it just me ?

So recently I got into a relationship and the one I'm with told me I could be demi which I'm still questioning bc really I don't feel sexual attraction but that's something else. The thing is I do fantasize about having sex with them but the thought and realization of actually doing it in the future completely repulses me. I don't like the idea of having to do it and the things that happen during it. Which I'm not sure what that would make me. I have told them that I would have it with them when I didn't fully realize I was actually repulsed but now that I've realized I'm not sure how to tell them. We've had a convo where they said that if I was someone repulsed they would wanna have it with someone but I know my jealousy would get to me and I shouldn't keep it from them. I do wanna talk it out to them but I'm sure the end point will probably be a breakup.

I am male and my partner is female. We have been married for 4 years. My partner is an incredible person. She is the smartest person I've met. She helped me through grad school. When we first got together we used to be very sexually active. After about a year it began it fade. At first I thought it was because I was in school and because of covid. But once I finished school it never picked back up. More often than not when I would initiate She would tell me she wasn't in the mood. This would lead to stretches of up to 6 months in between sexual encounters.

Last night I tried to do something big to set the mood. I used the things and outfit I knew she liked. As soon as I tried to initiate after setting it up she just said no and I was crest fallen. I took down every thing but was clearly upset and we talked. She eventually told me that in the beginning of our relationship she kept having sex because she felt that's what you were suppossed to do and once we got married she didn't feel the need to as much anymore. This makes her sound much more heartless than how she said it. She was very upset, she clearly had bene hanging onto this for years and didn't want to tell me this but I had been bringing up for the past several years how maybe we needed to see a counselor to help reinvigorate our sex drive.

I don't know what to do. I love this woman. I also have a very very high libido. I really thought that if I was just patient and gave her space and we talked about it we would be able to reclaim our past sexual relationship so the long periods didn't bother me as much before. Now I've just learned that it was never a real drive to begin with. I don't know what to do. I want to stay with this person but sex gives me a strong connection to her.

Idk if there is medication thst lowers sex drive or what. Are there any success stories for high libido and ace couples? Are we going to just drive each other mad?

Hello, i(F23) am currently in a great relationship with my partner who is also 23, and its been great. We both identify as demirose(demiromantic & demisexual) and i've felt comfortable with that.

One aspect that i am unsure if it's me being immature or me being some kind of sex repulsed ace configuration, because i get really uncomfortable at movies and references to sex in general. I feel fine being with my partner intimately but at this point i can't watch anything where there's sex or sexual abuse because i get so horribly uncomfortable.

I've brought it up before and i always get the same response, either it's "its important to the story" or i'm just being stupid and immature. It's not like i'm not sex positive i just don't want to hear about or see it.

Kinda sucks because most tv-shows have a lot of sex scenes and references. I was hoping maybe someone here could relate.

Hey all.

I’ve been really questioning my approach towards sex and relationships, and I could do with some guidance about how to find out where I am with it.

I’ve considered that I’m demisexual. But that label doesn’t completely fit me because I’ve had crushes on men who I haven’t had an emotional bond with. Note - I only tend to experience attraction around once a year (as in, one guy a year). I feel like I’m somewhere on the ace spectrum.

I also seem to have a dismissive avoidant attachment style which is characterised by being overly independent.

I’ve been in one relationship, and that was six years ago. When we had sex, I found it physically painful and we never managed to fully do it, if you get what I mean.

I’ve only kissed 3 people in my whole life, and I have no interest whatsoever in one night stands or friends with benefits type things. I don’t really crave a relationship.

Is there anyone I could specifically talk to about this? Like, would a sex therapist be helpful? It seems like there’s a lot going on that I need to unpack:

Rarely experiencing attraction

Pain when having sex

Dismissive avoidant attachment style

Being demi I could in theory develop sexual attraction towards a partner, but in order to have the partner, you need to romance them but being somewhere in the aromantic spectrum + the modern sex before relationship meta makes it all so chaotic… ni queue ni tête!

Like some kind of weird vicious circle who’s only goal is to make me suffer

I still want a companion and a partner, but no men seem interested in being with an asexual woman. I never really understood the effort that people put into dating. Using 2 to 3 dating sites at the same time seemed strange. That was before I realized I was asexual.

How can I meet a man that would be OK with my sexuality?

I (19nb) have been questioning for awhile if I was asexual but I always put it on the back burner because it felt “cringe.” But I’m finally trying to actually face it and I’m definitely certain I don’t really develop crushes. Everyone else seems to but I just… don’t. I’m nineteen and I can count on two fingers the number of people I’ve ever actually liked, and they were both in middle school. The thing is, when I’ve made out with girls or done other stuff with girls (no sex yet) I have really enjoyed it. I mean I really really did enjoy it, it was very hot. But I definitely wasn’t attracted to these girls. I don’t know if that makes sense. I just feel so left out of this experience of liking people that everyone else has, but at the same time everything I read about sexuality seems to frame asexual people as being mostly ambivalent towards sexual stuff and I know I’m definitely not just ambivalent, I’m a fan. I don’t know if this is normal.

So I'm a bigender tomboy, and have always had a preference for men. But in middle school, I developed an embarrasingly longterm crush on a woman after developing an unhealthy emotional attatchment towards her. And I didn't get over that until my dumbass started crushing on ANOTHER woman for the same damn reason (I think I might have issues but that is besides the point..) But anyway, throughout middle school I just decided to go with bi, and then narrowed it down to omnisexual last year, but now I'm kinda questioning again. While bisexual probably technically applies, I'm a very organized/thorough person and want to know if there is a more specific term to more accurately describe my attraction rather than just "bi with male pref", and I've never really been attracted to other genders so I'm not quite positive that omnisexual fits that description anymore.

You see, I have a "type" for men, and I can easily identify a man who I consider to be my type and think "damn he's kinda hot", but I haven't developed an actual crush on a guy (in real life) in like.. half a decade; mostly because I've been too preoccupied with my two other crushes, but fictional men are enough to distract me as well. On the other hand, I don't really have a type for women at all, and my attraction for a woman based solely off physical appearance/first impression has never gone beyond aesthetic attraction (and even then it doesn't really happen much at all). Like, I don't find women hot, but there are very rare cases where I emotionally attatch to them and all of a sudden they're the most attractive person I've ever met. It's so weird. The same applies to fictional women, except it's less of an emotional attatchment and more of just me growing to like their personality, and then finding them attractive. But even then it's not like I found any of those fictional women hot from the getgo, so I dunno.

Maybe I'm just demisexual/romantic specifically towards women..? But I feel like the prefix "demi" implies more of a deep bond rather than just emotional attatchment, so it feels a bit wrong. Plus there's not really a label for that, I mean there's demilesbian, except I'm not lesbian. I've read something like "demi-homo/hetero", but due to being bigender that would be a little difficult to pull off.. would saying demi-sapphic and allo-achillean work? Hm. Maybe.. I've considered heteroflexible, but that doesn't feel specific enough, and I also feel that it undermines the 5+ years of my ridiculously big crushes on the women whom I mentioned in the first paragraph.. I just feel like nothing under the bi umbrella actually describes my sexuality and it's frustrating; am I just overthinking it? Should I just stick with "bi with male pref" and carry on? I dunno man, I kinda want some external input here because I'm honestly just stumped

ty for reading my wall of text here take a pufferfish 🐡