So I'm in an open qpr (both aro-ace spec) and I have some questions. This is my first time being in a qpr and I'm an anxious person. I care a lot about my partner (A, poly) and I can kinda understand being poly? I care so much about this person like I care for person B, and this emotional connection I have with B, I can't live without it. (person B is already in another relationship, so we're only friends).

But the thing is, I'm anxious and anxious attachted, I have times I feel not worthy or good enough for A, or that A will replace me with someone else and puts our time and connection on a lower level.

At this moment, there is not someone else, but I want to be prepared when A will find someone.

In my dream, I would be in a qpr with all of my friends but that's not possible, so at this moment, I don't want to have another partner. It is pretty exhausting already to keep up with my friends and A, so another person? I can"t manage that.

How can I, an anxious person, be prepared? What can I do to find reassurence? How are your experiences with a poly, open qpr?

Is it possible for a closeted gay, bisexual, omni, or pan man to have a queerplatonic relationship with a another man and keep his identity private by calling his QPR "best friend" or "close friend"?

Or would they have to come out at that point?

Hello, I'm aroace and cupio-romantic. As I will never be able to be in a romantic relationship, I'm searching infos about QPR. Can you answer my newbie questions?

1. What's tge difference between a QPR and a friendship? Until now, I cokkdn't find any clear answer.
2. How do you find a partner? I know no aroace association in my country (Belgium) and my local LGBT community never answered when I asked for help when I was figuring out I was aroace and felt alone and lost...

Hey, I’m a 20 year old lesbian girl from libya. I seek for a queer husband so we could be platonic partnerts we could live at the same place with different lifestyles, and we could support each other and all that. I need it bc home isn’t safe anymore and im abused by my mom, and the only way i could get out of it is by marrying someone.

https://preview.redd.it/zqe0c810tjfe1.jpg?width=1920&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=d57cf09f84f3b6df8e3b125166e12df09d1a31f5

Ok, working on a theory. A recent post about alterous love made me wonder if it's the same thing as the kind of compassionate love that is typical in later years of long term romantic relationships. (I had a psych degree long before discovering asexuality, so I'm trying to figure out how this new understanding fits into the research I was taught. Or if it does.) I'm also trying to understand this as I try to figure out a relationship that is morphing from romantic to QPR.

How are these kinds of love different? Or are they the same thing with different terms used in different communities? ("Alterous" in the ace community and "Compassionate" in the Psychology research.)

ALTEROUS LOVE:

"Alterous Attraction is an attraction and desire for an emotional closeness with a person that exists inbetween romantic and platonic feelings, it doesn't just mean wanting to date your friend or someone who is close to you. It's more like wanting your partners to be your lovers and best friends."

FROM: https://aromantic.fandom.com/wiki/Alterous\_Attraction#:\~:text=Alterous%20Attraction%20is%20an%20attraction,your%20lovers%20and%20best%20friends.

COMPASSIONATE LOVE:

"Compassionate love, also called companionate love, is about intimacy, trust, commitment, and affection.... This type of love involves caring deeply for the other person, truly knowing the other individual, and is committed to the other person through both good times and bad."

"...Companionate love may not necessarily be marked by wild passion, excitement, or obsessive thoughts that are seen in passionate love. However, this compassionate form of love does include feelings of tenderness, a strong bond, friendship, and enjoyment of the other's company."

From: https://www.verywellmind.com/compassionate-and-passionate-love-2795338

STERNBERG'S THEORY OF LOVE (WHICH INCLUDES COMPASSIONATE):

(The triangle at the top)

Love has three components:

- Passion

- Intimacy

- Commitment

And you can define the type of love by which components are present:

- Romantic love = passion and intimacy

-Compassionate love = Intimacy and commitment

https://www.simplypsychology.org/types-of-love-we-experience.html

MY PROBLEM WITH STERNBERG'S THEORY:

He assumes that all attraction is sexual.

For instance, "Passion: based on romantic feelings, physical attraction, and sexual intimacy with the partner." But there are types of attraction that are not physical or sexual. https://www.simplypsychology.org/types-of-love-we-experience.html

MY WORKING THEORY

I would add extra dimension to separate passion (intense attraction to the person that is not sexual) vs. sexual attraction.

That would turn the triangle into a tetrahedon with Sexual attraction on the extra corner of the pyramid.

So then:

- Romantic love = Passion, intimacy, and sexual attraction

- Platonic love = intimacy

- Platonic attraction = intimacy plus passion for the person (but no sexually components)

- Compassionate love = alterous love =

- Long term romantic relationships usually include = passion, intimacy, sexual attraction, and Commitment

-Queer platonic relationship could include = intimacy and commitment, (passion is optional)

Not totally happy with this ^ model, but it's helping my understand these things.

Thoughts? Ideas? Perspectives?

Hey so I am in a QPR but I feel like there are words I don’t know and also just general stuff

• what do I call him? Like do I call him my boyfriend? Do I call him my friend? The point is that it’s not really either so I don’t know what to call it

• what is the different between queer platonic attraction and alterus attraction? I haven’t seen someone explain it in a way that makes much sense to me, so I need help 😭

• does it still count as a QPR if I feel Alterus attraction towards the other person? I think it’s Alterus cause I do not feel romantic attraction but this feels very different than platonic attraction. It might be queer platonic attraction but I don’t know what the differences are between queer platonic attraction and alterus attraction so basically is it still called a QPR if alterus attraction lol. Btw he feels the same and that’s been stated so it’s not that I feel this way only it’s both of us. Also if it isnt a QPR then what do I call it

• this isn’t a question but it’s lwk so annoying when someone says “oh so you’re dating” and I’m like no and they’re like “oh talking stage/situationship” and I’m like no we know how we feel about each other it’s the same and they’re like just friends then and I’m like yeah sure

guys r/qprapplications is finally back up!! I was finally added as a mod !!

People often describe QPRs as "defying the heteronormative standards of relationships"

But aren't romantic relationships also defying what exactly relationships can look like? Especially modern ones?

After all, there's a millions ways to explore romance much like how there's a million ways to explore QPRs

Not every romantic relationship ends with marriage, kids, and a family after

Unless you're implying that both alloromantic individuals are engaging in a QPR without ever knowing the term, but that's something a bit different

Why is it that if two hetero men got into a queerplatonic relationship, they're still considered straight,

Yet if two men got together in a romantic relationship, it's always considered gay, bi, pan, or omni unless one of them is a woman?

i’ve been in a qpr for about 3 months. it started whenever my (now qp gf) and i were asked if we were dating by another friend, and we both said yes in reply jokingly. note that for a long time before this, i had wanted to get into a qpr with her but was way too scared to ask. the next day, she proposed the idea of us fake dating so that 1. weird people would leave me alone and 2. she could have a chance to get better acquainted with my other friends. i agreed, and later that day made a comment about us “basically queerplatonically dating”. we had discussed this topic many times in the past, and looking back on it i think we had both desired to ask the other about it but were too afraid to do so.

so thats how we got into the qpr, and it’s been great since. for us, it’s quite similar to a romantic relationship, but without the romance, if that makes sense. we’ve celebrated our anniversary by the month, bought gifts for one another, gone on “dates”, and are even planning on getting each other stuff for valentine’s day. we call each other our girlfriend, but honestly its been alike to an extremely close friendship.

here’s the issue. i’m a biromantic woman, and i met this guy recently who i think i subconsciously developed feelings for, and while i was unbothered with it just being a small crush (my gf and i have already clarified that we’re allowed to have crushes, again since our relationship isn’t truly domantic) but yesterday somebody who didnt know i was in a qpr jokingly said something about me and the guy getting together, and ofc we were quick to dismiss them because i’m already in a relationship. but that had me thinking, i cant stand the idea of this guy getting into a relationship.

i really dont know what to do here. is it common to get romantic feelings for someone while in a qpr? i really hope i dont seem like im in the wrong for this im just really confused 🥲

18 year old guy aro ace (only girls) hi

I’m aroace and queer platonic, but I only want to be in a qpr with another girl. Does that make me a platonic lesbian? Is there an actual term for that? And if there is, do we have an official flag for it?

I think my bf has a fear of love and we’re not sure what to do to make it better. He says he feels very anxious and panics when he’s gotten confessed to in the past. He feels like throwing up, and immediately becomes avoidant going into a state of denial (like convincing himself that the person doesn’t actually love him). He also starts shaking a lot. Sometimes when I tell him I love him he feels uncomfortable and a sort of dread. He’s more comfortable now but it was rlly hard for him to accept that b4. And it makes me feel like he dosent see us as a real couple or like yk bc of this fear he wont rlly be able to love and be loved in this relationship bc hell push it away :/ also i sld add we think of each other ass fully boyfriend and boyfriend etc js without the romantic aspect if that makes sense.

Some people say the first term meets their feelings/vision of their relationships best and some that they're rather partnes than deep friends only. Queerplatonic relationships are a spectrum and that's okay that different QPRs have different elements, but how would you explain the difference between a qp friendship and a qp partnership? I'm not sure it's clear to me, but the term partnership feels kinda more serious (not necessary in a good way lol), although I consider friendship being possible of commitment as well.

My lettering and lighting skills may need some work but made this because I wanted to spread some queer joy today.

The bottom flag is a platonic (friendship) flag I saw ; top flag is, ofc, queerplatonic.

Ik I said I havr a qpr but why not look for another partner as well! 17 yr old Nonbinary Lesbian Aroace here

With r/qprapplications gone, I don't know where else to find a QPP. Is there any other subreddit or something else entirely for this? I know about ACafé but since it's still being developed, we're gonna have to keep waiting... Do people use this very sub to find QPPs? lol

Jus wanted to say I am very happy bc I havr a qpr partner their literally the best I like them alot, I hope we continue to have amazing memories together yayyyy

Ok, so I feel like I need some advice for this, like I have an aroace friend (I'll refer to them as B) and yesterday while we were talking the topic of relationships for aroace people came up and then she explained to me what a qpr is and I think I got it pretty quick. In the end of the conversation she told me that I could interpret it as a confession or not, but that her friendship with me and our other best friend (I'll refer to them as A) is the closest for her to having a qpr.

So for a while I've been feeling things for B but not in a romantic way, she's just a person I genuinely want in my life forever and is way more important than a common friend, and when she started to explain qpr to me I actually saw the resemblance in our current relationship to a qpr. On one hand I'd like to talk things out with B just to see like if we are on the same page or not, and if we are if she'd like to have a qpr. But on the other hand I feel that she'll reject the idea because of A, I think B will feel that we are excluding or leaving behind A, cuz as I understand it we both are important in the same way to B, and even if we wanted to include A in the qpr she has a boyfriend, I know that those two things don't necessarily interfere with each other, but as far as I'm aware her boyfriend is kinda traditional with his relationships, so he might get offended by A having a qpr or even interpret it as cheating.

Anyways if anyone has any advice on this I'd appreciate it, or even just tell me if it's a good idea or not to talk to B about a qpr or not

Hello I'm a 17 yr old Nonbinary Lesbian Aroace looking for a parter 😞

Hi, I am not a member of this subreddit, but I have been lingering around looking for advice and I have decided that now I should ask.

A few years ago, my best friend of many years asked me to be her QPP. Admittedly, I didn't know what she was initially asking of me. I had never heard of a QPR, and I said yes because I didn't know what else to say (I didn't want to hurt her feelings). We were friends for so long, so I figured it wouldn't change things because the entire point is for it to be platonic. I love being around her, and she has been an incredible pillar of support, light, and joy in my life.

But the nature of the relationship that I perceived as friendship changed due to the expectation that she wants to be my life partner, be platonically wed (potentially?), and raise a family. I am not sure how to describe it, but a pit formed in my stomach when I thought about this, I felt uneasy and strange. Over the years, I feel like I have grown distant and, at times, resentful towards her because of this. I don't think I was meant for this.

Whenever my future plans were brought up, I would be intentionally vague about "settling down" and my goals, I didn't know what to say. I had a hard time explaining our QPR to my friends because even now, I still can't quite wrap my head around it, and I feel terrible. For this reason, I feel like it is not right for me (or her) to be QPPs.

The other thing is that I recently began dating someone romantically. I am not aro/ace; I am simply lesbian and monogamous. Recently, she (my current QPP) told me how one of her discord friends was upset that I was "cheating" on her, and she laughed it off and said, "It's okay" because she's poly. I am not poly. Even though our relationship is platonic, this notion of me being poly by association has been messing with me the most at the moment, it distresses me more than I would like to admit.

Anyways, I don't know what to do. I know, obviously, I need to "break up". But I don't know what to say, and I have heard very little about how people go about doing this in a QPP. I want to preserve our friendship, she means so much to me. I love her so dearly, and I want her to be involved in my life as my friend, just not as my partner. Additionally, she deserves a partner(s) who understands her needs and expectations in a QPR (which I have failed to do).

What are some of the things I should say or shouldn't say? I know this will hurt her to hear this, so I want to be as gentle as possible. I really appreciate anyone's help and guidance. This community is lovely, and QPR's are beautiful, I mean no hate or harm, I just really need advice :( Thank you all.

I’m recently exploring my aro ace identity, and I’m so happy to have a partner who’s also on the aro and ace spectrums. I feel so comfortable with her. It’s nice having a committed relationship with no expectation to have sex or do stereotypically romantic things. Some people don’t understand it but that’s ok because we’re happy.

i've been having a lot of thoughts and feelings, so i'm gonna just spill them all out here and hope to try to share some queerplatonic joy

my squish moved in with me about six months ago, and when he did we weren't close. he was friends with and had dated our other roommate, but that was the extent of our relationship - purely through a mutual friend. as time has passed, we've become increasingly closer. we've both been through a lot personally and emotionally and had each other's support, and it's been such a gift. he was there when my grandfather passed away, i've been there for every up and down that's come with trauma therapy, and each day we've gotten closer. he opened the door to a new kind of love that i didn't know existed, and i've been immensely happy with him.

we both have been interested in QPRs since before we lived together, and as our relationship has developed we've done more and more researching and talking about them. we described each other as best friends and leaned into our relationship with the understanding that we have something different than the typical best-friend relationship. we knew our love transcended the heteronormative idea of platonic relationships.

my long distance girlfriend (romantic relationship) recently visited me, and she got to meet my squish in person for the first time. watching their relationship blossom and getting to spend time with both of them, the people i love more than anything, was more wonderful than i could ever express. it was very validating to hear from my girlfriend that she saw how special my relationship with my squish is, and to see the two of them start to become really close. her being here really solidified how much i love my squish and want him alongside me for the rest of my life.

yesterday he and i officially talked about where our relationship stands, and we both agreed that we feel that a QPR is the best label. it's still very new and we're figuring everything out as we go, but i'm just beyond overjoyed (he already seems to feel more comfortable and open with the official label, and it makes my heart feel so full). his love and companionship have made my life so much more fulfilling, and i can't imagine a world without him now. i've tried so many times to put into words how he and our relationship make me feel, but it's hard to try to explain it. i hope that you all can understand the love i'm feeling and relate to it, because i'm overflowing with the love and joy i have and want to share it.

Hello all, not sure if I can post here

But I am a Muslim man and would like to get married to a middle eastern Muslim lesbian for a lavender marriage or MOC marriage. I am open for it to be a two year marriage too.

Message me if interested