The age old question lol. I'll include a TLDR at the bottom, but I would super appreciate anyone who is willing to read everything and leave thoughts below! I'll probably post this to a few ace/aro subreddits.

To my understanding, "alterous attraction" is a type of attraction that is neither platonic nor romantic, or it can be a unique mixture of both. I've heard it's different from queerplatonic attraction in the sense that queerplatonic attraction is more platonically-leaning, but not 100% certain on that one. I've chosen to use the word alterous because I think it fits my feelings best.

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Some context: I'm an alloromantic ace, not sure if I'm on the aromantic spectrum but I don't think so. I've experienced a handful of both crushes and squishes in my lifetime. I developed a squish on someone a few months ago, and while I know for a fact it began with purely platonic feelings, it has absolutely developed into either alterous attraction or romantic attraction.

At first I was confident that my feelings were alterous and not romantic. I would love to be in a QPR with this person if/when the time is right, because I want us to be exclusively close in a way that we wouldn't be with other people. I think I'd quite enjoy some light physical affection (hand holding, hugs), but I am not interested in kissing and/or anything beyond that. I find them very aesthetically attractive, but most of all I just want to be close and spend time with them.

That alone wouldn't cause me to question anything, but I recently got out of a long-term romantic relationship (lasted several years). It ended mutually and on good terms, but obviously still sucks. There were a few reasons it ended but one of them was sexual incompatability. The relationship was good for a long time, but eventually it turned into something that wasn't fulfilling for either of us.

So here's my dilemma: with the person I'm alterously attracted to, I don't think I'm comfortable with the idea of us being romantically involved or referring to each other as boyfriend/girlfriend. I'm also not interested in anything physical beyond the light affection I described earlier. But is the lack of physical attraction only because I'm ace? Am I just cringing away from boyfriend/girlfriend labels because they remind me too much of my ex, or because I really don't want a romantic relationship? Or do I actually want a romantic relationship, and I'm just scared of facing the same expectations my ex had of me?

As I've written this, I've become more confident that my feelings are more likely alterous than romantic. Looking back, there was a distinct difference in the way I felt when I was crushing on someone vs squishing on someone. However, I'm new to the alterous thing and I want to make sure I'm not dismissing the possibility of romanticism too quickly, because I don't want to accidentally supress how I feel. It's still early days with the person I'm alterously attracted to, but if things progress further then I'd want to open up about my feelings - and before that happens I feel like I need to understand how I feel. So... anyone able to help a girl out? If you read all this way, I sincerely appreciate it <3

TLDR: Not sure if I'm experiencing alterous attraction, or if it is romantic attraction and I just don't want a repeat of my last relationship.

My squish is usually always busy and says she hates one on one contact and it makes me feel like she probably doesn’t feel the same way and no chance to be in a qpr with her especially considering she is poly and has two other partners already. I feel like there is no point in me telling her ever my feelings because its just gonna instant rejection and probably lose my friendship. I just wanna be in a qpr with her so bad and I feel so selfish for wanting her for myself .

I want to understand the concept of QPRs more as someone who has never been in one and is not on the ace spectrum. I am a very touch starved and affectionate person, and I'm wondering what is the line between platonic affection and romantic affection. To me, it sounds very similar.

I'm (sort of) writing a story with my characters in a qpr that is perceived as a regular romantic relationship from the outside but both are aromantic/aro-spec. I know that what is feasible depends on the person, but still,,

Hi reddit,

I entered a queer platonic relationship with a friend almost a year ago. We moved in together pretty quickly due to circumstances out of their control, and it worked with our finances. It seemed good at first, we both shared cleaning duties and bills and I really do love spending time with them; I'm just not "in love" with them. They are kind, affectionate, and thoughtful, but I am not attracted sexually/romantically to them. I'm asexual and autistic, but I've had a great relationship in the past that I believe gave C hope that I'd feel attracted to them like they are to me. They constantly flirt with me, and I feel awkward because I don't know what to say back that is honest..

My last relationship was my first and it hurt like the dickens when it ended, so I don't want to cause C harm. I have worked hard to build a strong support network, but C only has me as a friend, plus some building friendships with my friends. So if our relationship ended, I'd have friends but C would have literally no one, unless they continued to hang around my friends, which I don't think I'd really want. C has been a wonderful friend, but they want marriage and a family and I don't want that, at least not with them. I'm a dreamer and often talk about my goals for life, but I can't see any of my dreams including C.

What makes this a pressing issue is that I just got selected for Section 8, so I could get a voucher and move within a few months. I got selected based on my income, not our combined income, though we would still qualify together, just not for as much support. I am unsure whether I should stay in this relationship and hope that love and attraction will come, or if perhaps this voucher could be a way to get a clean break and end the relationship. At what point do I stop trying in a relationship, or how do I try harder to connect?

they don't even have to be widely sold/well known/published stories, i'll take someone's ramble post about their oc's, a mediocre original story off of wattpad, a webtoon comic, im just curious.

I've not really used Reddit before but I could really use some advice or at least be able to tell someone about this.

I've spend majority of my life with deeply close friendships with Arospec people and feel pretty in tune with the culture and the definitions, but I still want to be sure that I'm going about this in the right way because there's no point of reference as to how to navigate this.

It's not really as if I think I'd be turned down for it, in fact, I feel as if the term will be only that, just a term to confirm what I already feel is our dynamic. Everytime he sends me a post that describes us and our friendship perfectly, it's also tagged with #queerplatonic. I'm pretty sure most people assume that's what we are. Neither of us believe in the idea of soulmates and scoff at the idea, and yet we can't help but see eye to eye to the fact whatever we are to each other, it's close enough to being soulmates. He has a romantic partner, and they do not treat me as a third wheel or secondary to their relationship - their dynamic is it's own thing, something special, but they treat me as if I'm just as committed life partner in our dynamic. I feel as if they see me as part of their relationship, in a way. Not in the romantic sense, we can rule that out, I'm a lesbian and they're men, but in a way that feels so intimate and special.

I don't know what their boundaries are and how to navigate asking about it, since I know they're strictly monogamous to each other, but he does have / had queerplatonic relationships outside of his romantic one, something that was agreed upon. I worry other queerplatonic relationships aren't something they've agreed upon as a boundary. I would understand if his boyfriend doesn't feel that's within his boundaries but the more I think about it, the more I don't think that's the case here. He's a wonderful friend to me and we care deeply about each other, and we're in sync and share a bond over for our shared love and trust for my best friend/his boyfriend and I feel as if he already sees me as his boyfriend's equally loving and committed platonic partner.

I would typically just out right ask him to be my queerplatonic partner, put the label on what feels like we already are, but it feels almost silly. It feels as if this is already what our relationship is and I'm the only one who's out of the loop, not realizing I'm asking him to label us as what he already labels us to be. Sure, we haven't outright said this is what we are, but I feel like we don't even have to. I don't feel the need to ask him this. It would only be using a official term for us, it would honestly change nothing about our relationship because we already act as deeply committed platonic life partners who are queer in every sense of the word and don't fit the socially traditional box for what friendship is. Friendships to me are no greater or less than romantic ones, nor are queerplatonic ones. This wouldn't be an upgrade. This would just be a label, but I can't explain it - I just feel as if this is the right move. We'd be just as happy without using the word, it truly would be no different to what we already are and how affectionate and romantic we are to each other.

But, is this right? Should I go for it? Should I just out right say it and clear it up, or make a little proposal out of it? Or am I totally off base?

Sorry if this is so long. But thank you for reading if you do and hearing my story. I hope it connects to other queerplatonic relationships out there.

Two weeks ago I started noticing QPR feelings for a close friend of mine (wanting to be around them more, touch more, cuddle etc), and started to freak out that this would ruin the friendship if I ever acted on it. Background: they are poly and in a romantic relationship with another one of my close friends. But I couldn't stop thinking about it, and how nice it would be if it could happen for us.

So I updated the PowerPoint I made from the last time I asked someone for a QPR (that person had said yes), and talked to another close friend (all same friend group) on their advice for whether I should go for it. They agreed it was worth a shot.

I asked them to meet up so I could ask them something, with a short turnaround to minimize them freaking out about it, and presented my presentation. Miraculously they already knew what a QPR is (that never happens), but they said no. Reason being they are dealing with some mental health stuff and are at capacity with emotional relationships right now. They said they are okay with touch and hugs, but not the label and expectations that come with it.

And now I kind of regret even asking, and feel stupid and pathetic. It's affected how we interact with each other and our other friends, and I just feel like I've ruined everything. So far nothing good has come of this, and I'm struggling with how to navigate it going forward. I think I need space from the situation but I feel guilty if that means they might feel responsible for making me feel bad. They were really nice in turning me down, and I feel like I shouldn't feel this badly about it because they didn't do anything to bring that on.

I just wish I'd never done it in the first place, everything is so awkward now.

About a month ago, I mentioned to a friend that I was ace-aro, which eventually led to her confessing her romantic feelings to me as she had assumed that it had been mutual and was rather surprised by this tidbit of information about my sexual/romantic orientation. We ended up settling for a QPR as a relationship model and wanted to see how/if this would work. Now we want to sort of assess how it feels for both sides and I was wondering if anybody had helpful prompts or questions for this? I feel like this could be more helpful for reflecting on it instead of just being like "So how do you feel about it?"...
Thank you!

To put it bluntly... Where the hoes at? I would love to find other aro people so that I can start considering for a qpr/fwb, but I feel very isolated. ESPECIALLY being a 35 minute drive from the city that is the only queer friendly area in a reasonable drive. Did y'all just happen to make friends with someone looking for a qpr, or is there a super secret club I have to get into? Thanks!

ive (NB lesbian) known my best friend (M queer) for a really long time, but we have only gotten super close recently. to save you the details, we have described eachother as platonic soulmates, as more than friends but not romantic, and have described the nature of our love for eachother as something we have never experienced with anyone else. we are long distance but text everyday and call every night like clockwork.

im currently on the path to healing from borderline personality disorder, which means i have to pay attention in my close relationships to ensure i dont wholly rely on them for validation and lose my autonomy. this applies to my best friend. we’ve discussed it and he’s explained to me that he has a similar tendency to fixate on people and sometimes gets anxious when my tone seems off or when i stop responding for a while in spite of my explanation. in that moment we discussed boundaries and we didn’t really think the majority of the usual ones applied to our friendship, but we were of course open to anything if it means ill get a bit of peace from my BPD.

its been a few weeks since and i had a rough couple of days regarding my mental health. usually, if i had a ‘normal’ best friend i wouldn’t really feel obligated to say anything if i wanted some time to myself. however, despite not wanting to talk to anyone at all, i felt really obligated to explain to my best friend that i needed space bc of mental health so he would feel less anxious, and that made me worried that i was losing my autonomy after all. just to gauge whether i was in the wrong for pulling away, i looked at a few therapy instagram accounts, but at some point i realised that i was only looking at relationship advice for romantic couples for advice on a friendship. i just leaned towards it subconsciously bc thats how i felt our level of commitment was at.

the realisation that my best friend and i were expecting out of each other the level of communication and emotional support that romantic couples would give was super confusing. i feared we were way out of our depth and we needed to have a conversation about seriously toning it down simply because best friends dont act like this.

but a part of me wondered, is that so bad? we both equally love each other in the same way and on a normal day spending that much time with each other feels natural and right. he really goes out of his way to make time for me and knowing someone is that committed to you feels good, and reciprocating it is the same. i feel like getting rid of something that usually works for the both of us is unreasonable.

my concern purely operates from a point where it feels like for a friendship we were both equally doing way too much. after rediscovering QPRs, i realised that if we established the commitment, we wouldn’t have to change anything about our schedule because we would be operating outside the usual relationship conventions.

but… the whole reason why i’m here right now is because the level of commitment that we already have gets overwhelming. i currently dont know where to place him in my priority list and it feels impossible to decide between placing him lower and losing an aspect of our closeness, or placing him higher and having to navigate my BPD symptoms with the added pressure of also committing to a whole other person! especially when we make our own rules entirely, i cannot fully trust that whatever we come up with will be foolproof against our attachment issues (i rely on relationship conventions to reel myself in when i cant do so myself). also, i plan on keeping him in my life for as long as possible and i sometimes fantasise about us being roommates, but our life trajectories are pretty different and i cant really imagine going out of my way to build a life with him like many people in QPRs do. id much prefer to do that with a romantic partner.

i need some insight!!

Hello! I (M31) am in a Queerplatonic Relationship with another man (M33) - I am bi but on the ace spectrum, he is straight. We use the phrase "soulmate in friend shape" as the descriptor of our Zucchini-ship.

We are trying to come up with a tattoo idea that represents QPRs as a concept but doesn't have the potential to be misinterpreted as queer in the men-loving-men sense. I thought of just having a zucchini, but that is honestly not something either of us want permanently etched on our bodies.

Does anyone have any ideas for us?

I get butterflies for my QPP. I think they're so beautiful, their real smile makes my heart flutter, it makes me so happy whenever they're affectionate/sincere with me, and I love spending time with them. I think about getting matching things, gifts, all that stuff for them. We're pretty snuggly with each other and occasionally give each other forehead or hand kisses. When they're close sometimes I get flustered. I get giggly and stimmy when they complement me or tell me they love me. I was sure that this was alterous attraction, but I'm not quite sure anymore. I don't have a desire to do things like get married, go on dates, be intimate or kiss, but I'm starting to wonder. I feel the desire to do those things with my girlfriend, so maybe I just experience alterous attraction differently than is typical and am just more affectionate all around. It's just very similar to the feeling I get from romantic love, with only the desires of what to do being different.

Any commentary or advice would be wonderful! Just let me know what kind of attraction it sounds like to you. Thank you so much :)

I admit I've been skeptical of the idea of labelling but I sort of spontaneously thought this fit my best friend and I. I just felt like I truly adore them and even though we're already very open about our somehow very mutual appreciation, I wanted to share the things I daydream about and how the thought of a life with them motivates me. I asked them what they thought of QPRs in curiosity, and they said "I don't really label relationships but I think it describes how I feel about you".

It virtually changes nothing about our bond, but it reminds us of our wishes and how important we are to each other. I feel very happy and somehow surprised that they also daydream and feel motivated by the idea of living with me one day.

Hi All,

Are there any symbols of non-romantic love, commitment, or affection popular among QPR couples / groups?

Or, are there any you would like to see get started as a trend?

Mostly thinking re: gift that symbolically demonstrates qpr love or affection to a person, the way buying someone roses or a bouquet culturally signifies romance.

Doesn't have to be flowers!

Hi all,

I am fairly new to the concept of queerplatonic relationships and have some questions/thoughts as it related to my own relationship. Any comments or advice would be much appreciated as I am quite confused right now. I am in a committed romantic relationship of 4+ years with my partner, but have been questioning myself and our relationship lately. I am somewhere on the asexual spectrum, and may be on the aromantic spectrum as well, although I am unsure. I have been figuring this out as we have been together since this is my first major adult relationship. She is not aro or ace which has caused significant issues in our relationship in the past as I have been unable to meet her needs for intimacy.

For the past year or so our relationship has been largely platonic while maintaining the same level of commitment to each other we've always had. I do not feel the same kind of romantic attraction to her that I did in the beginning of our relationship and do not have the same need or want for intimacy beyond the deep platonic intimacy we have. I am unsure if this is just how I am in a relationship or if I have lost the romantic connection we had. I believe I experience romantic attraction and can imagine myself in other romantic relationships, but am unsure if my attraction would fade/go away as I become more comfortable in a relationship. Also unsure if the attraction I experience is just due to the excitement of the thought of romance rather than actual romantic attraction. My deep connection to a person has always been what I value in a relationship.

My partner is my world, and our connection is so special to me, but I am not sure that it is romantic anymore. We've discussed this in great detail and has been incredibly supportive as I try to figure things out. She has said she doesn't feel like she's missing out on anything, and that she sees our relationship as inherently romantic, and that I just don't show affection in a traditional way. I am feeling quite unsure of who I am, and am unsure of what to do to figure that out. Do we continue as romantic partners or transition to something more like a queerplatonic relationship (or are we already there?) Would this just be us breaking up? Would we see other people but stay committed to each other? I'm not asking for anyone to answer these questions, more just stating what I've been asking myself.

If anyone has been in a similar situation or has any thoughts or insight I would love to hear it! And if you've taken the time to read all of this, thank you :-)

Like if you wanted to be in a QPR with someone you were friends with how do you approach asking them?

I just lost my queer platonic partner and I don't know what to do like it hurts so much I don't know what to do bc ile probably never get them back and I loved them so much and it just hurts alot like I probably won't find a queer platonic partner agian ever I dont deserve it anyways so what's the point of even trying to find a queer platonic partner

Hello there, first time poster.

So I had those feelings toward a friend I got close over a year long period. I don't have romantic or sexual feeling toward that person but I also wish we could have some form of intimacy.

The main obstacle of bringing the conversation is that she got in a romantic relationship and I think it is great. I don't want that role and don't want to prevent that person to fulfill that part of her aspirations.

Moreover a long time friends of her confessed his romantic feeling she couldn't reciprocate so introducing QPR feels like a very bad timing. But I also feels like a coward and a liar at the same time.

Is it in your opinion usually a bad idea to talk about these things with a person with romantic aspiration. I don't want to push boundaries not for her or her partner and all off this dont really come with an instruction manual.

It feels like a polyamourous adjacent kind of question and having more than 2 people in the equation and QPR feelings are both new to me and I don't know what to do. At the moment I do nothing because the romantic relationship is fresh and I dont want to throw a wrench into this but I'm still looking for perspectives.

Should I talk eventually about it and be ready to move on ? Should I keep it to myself ? Should I talk about boundaries when the timing is at least not awful ? Should I avoid meddling with someone boundaries when they are currently in a diffent kind of relationship ?

That is a lot of question but I feel a bit lost on the subject.

Hello!

I'm new to the idea of queer platonic, I am a bit lost on it. A close friend of mine said he thinks a QPR is something that is more my style. I'd share a bit about me such as sexuality but when I tried to explain it to a friend of mine a couple of long words came out of their mouths (I probably should have written it down) and got myself confused.

So, I was wondering how you would describe queer platonic/queer platonic relationships?

I hope this is alright :)

Like friends that are explicitly partners

Maybe one of those arranged marriage romances but where they don't fall in love

So I've been in a QPR for a little while now (Yipee!!) But I've been wondering, how do you refer to your QPP? Friend? Boyfriend? Partner? I dunno

I decided to make this alt account because I feel like it'd be too personal to post on my main account.

An philosophy I find very interesting is the idea of being something vs being someone. You're always told that whenever you grow up you wanna amount to something. Get a job and perhaps even make a difference. Turn out to be something. And I think I'm decent at what I do. I feel like I'm making progress and that to some degree I'm more than just a cog in the machine, at least in terms of what I do now. I feel like I have a purpose.

However, there's also the idea of being someone. Someone's friend, someone's sibling, maybe even someone's parent one day. To matter to someone. That, I am not very good at. I am unlikable by nature, i don't say that to be self loathing, it's just a fact. Due to my autism I'm usually off-putting to most people. So it's not a huge surprise that I'm not really anything to anyone. I'm not really anyone's friend, I'm definitely a lot of people's acquaintance or someone they know or maybe even respect in some way because of what I'm good at, but I am not special to anyone besides my mom I guess.

And it bothers me. I've come to find recently that I'm probably on the aromantic spectrum. I've known for a long time that dating simply isn't for me. I've tried it multiple times but it feels suffocating, I always end up thinking I could be doing something better. But the complex thing is that I do enjoy most things you do in a relationship. I enjoy kisses, cuddles, hugs general emotional intimacy and even the sex part of it is okay I suppose. I like being close with someone. I just hate the lovey dovey romantic aspect of it.

In the ideal world I'd have a QPR but where we might kiss, cuddle, hug etc. but without it being romantic in nature, hell maybe even the sex stuff, but I don't really care about that. I just wanna have someone who cares about me for who I am and would want to be committed to a platonic partnership. But I'm apparently the only person who wants that, probably on the entire fucking planet. At least in terms of having a platonic partner but still doing romantic things but without it being romantic in nature.

I've spent some time in ace, aro and aroace spaces and the most common types of aro/aces i see are the kind who want nothing to do with neither romance, romantic acts or sex and occasionally alloaces who want romantic relationship and aroallos who want a fwb or similar. Yes, that is a simplification, and I'm not saying there doesn't exist people in between but those are the types I see most commonly at least. But I have never ever seen someone who shared the same ideals as me. Never. Not even once.

I've searched high and low for an aro/ace space where there'd be someone who felt the same but no. I am completely alone in this experince. I guess i really am asking for too much. I wanna have my cake and eat it too. The only options for me seem to be either enter a romantic relationship i don't want to be in so I'd get to do the romantic acts i enjoy to do, enter a QPR with someone who's aroace and want nothing to do with neither romantic acts nor sex but at least have a good friend or be alone forever.

I'm starting to think that perhaps I'm going to be alone forever. I thought recently that I'd found someone who might wanna be in a QPR. We really vibed with each other so i asked if she'd be interested in a QPR in the future knowing she was ace, but no. She only wanted a proper romantic relationship. After that interaction she never texted me back. We'd been talking for weeks at that point and I really felt like we'd become friends but apparently not...

I want to tell myself that it didn't matter, but it did. I feel like absolutely garbage, as if I was tossed to the side when she found out romance wasn't what I wanted. I feel like there's something deeply wrong with me. I'm not "aro enough" because even tho i don't per se desire romance i enjoy the physical acts of kissing, cuddling, etc. and most aros I've met don't want anything to do with those things even in a QPR type of deal. And most aces I meet want a typical romantic relationship.

I've often heard the food analogy of hunger vs a craving in terms of attraction. If romantic acts were cupcakes it feels like I'm being told i can either sign up for a full time job I don't enjoy and then get to eat cupcakes every day or simply never have them again. I may not crave them, but that doesn't mean I don't enjoy them, and I'd be quite sad if I was told I could never eat them ever again, not unless I change my mind ofc about signing up for that full time job I don't like.

So I'm in a dilemma I suppose. I guess what i want out of this is to ask if anyone has ever felt like I do? Because I feel like I'm completely alone in this experince and that eventually I'll just die alone because of it.